I’ve had a lot of requests to talk about online dating again. Those of you who have been reading for a few years will know, there are a lot of things I despise about online dating, with my own experiences making me super cautious of throwing myself into a vast virtual box of lying piranhas… Bear in mind that even though there are a lot of things that are annoying about online dating, it is part of today’s dating culture which means if you want to use it, you really need to be on the ball and relationship smart. As you can imagine, a lot of comments and emails hit my inbox each month and after reading so many tales of online dating woe, here are 10 things that make online dating a tricky avenue for many people.
1) You’re big on illusions.
If you’re the type of person who meets someone and then fairly sharpish wonders what your surname will sound like with his and are already thinking about if he’s The One, what you’ll be doing next year and yada yada yada, you’re not cut out for online dating which is full of illusions that need to cleared away to get the reality. You can be anyone you want to be online – just ask the men and women who pretend they’re single whilst their partner is fast asleep downstairs…
2) You’re words instead of actions focused
If he says I’m the best thing since sliced bread and I want to marry you and take you to the moon because I’m so nice, and trustworthy, and crazy about you and then he shows you he’s a dipstick, that he’s got several women on the go, that he’ll take you to heartbreak hotel, he has an allergy to the truth, and that he’s crazy but just not about you, and not only do you still stay, but you keep telling yourself that he said he was ‘X’Y,Z in the beginning’, online dating is super dangerous for you. Any ‘ole Tom, Dick, or Harry can come along, write whatever they want, and irrespective of whatever red flags appear and behaviours that contradict the words, you’ll stick with the words. Online dating requires that you marry up subsequent actions with the words and if they don’t match, you should know something isn’t right. Unless of course you’d prefer not to see it…
3) You’re superficial
I know a lot of people whose vision and brains get clouded when they see someone who looks just how they would like their mate to be – their ‘type’. Maybe throw in that he’s got a good edumacation (yes I did spell it like that for fun), a great job, nice house, money in the bank and yada yada yada, and all of these things will be focused on, whilst failing to notice that the person is not someone of substance. Now imagine, going online and seeing someone who looks just like the type of person you’d like to be with… It’s just so easy to get sucked in when you’ve got ‘type’ on the mind because you’ll ignore the big stuff like red flags, boundary crossing, and values.
4) You think you have a lot in common with your partners…when you don’t
I’ve discussed this extensively in my posts on compatibility, type, and common interests as well as 10 reasons why women choose men that they really shouldn’t, and ‘But we have so much in common!.‘ As humans we seem to be obsessed with finding people who have GSOH, like classical music, eating Thai food, climbing the mountains, talking intellectual doo doo, and feeling like there is a meeting of the minds. However, it is amazing that we can have these things ‘in common’ with someone and yet not only not have the common interest of a decent relationship and each other, but find that these things don’t add value to the relationship. It’s only when you stand back from these peeps, you suddenly realise that you didn’t really have anything of importance in common. Now imagine going alone and getting excited because a guy has just listed his interests in all the things you like….
5) You don’t have boundaries
Online dating is a frickin nightmare for people who have no boundaries because the information superhighway is rather limitless. One minute you’re talking about pottery, next thing he’s asking you to send a ‘nudie picture’ of you (yes one reader told me about this) or sending d*ck shots (my friend has received countless…). Maybe you saw him online at 10am and at 3pm he’s saying he’s in love with you and how he can’t wait to introduce you to his family. If you don’t have boundaries, you’ll probably be OK with some of these things, maybe even think they’re a sign of their great interest in you, or even if you don’t like it, you won’t exercise your judgement. Online dating requires trusting your instincts and your judgements and not getting too invested until you know there is something to invest in. It requires that when people do things that throw up a red flag, you acknowledge it and weed out accordingly.
More in part two of ten things that make online dating tricky if you don’t have healthy love habits
Your thoughts?
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I hate online dating!!!! I have said so many time that people can be whomever you want them to be online, then you meet and find out it was all lies. I met my Mr. Unavailable online, go figure, and knew from the first time we chatted that he was no good yet I fell into the trap. This time I am going about things in a different way but have not found a single man that doesn’t approach the subject of sex in the very first conversation. One man said just this morning that talking about sex is how you get to know someone. I disagreed with him, stating that once sex is mentioned the conversations never move past it so you really don’t get to know one another at all. I wish I could find a way to meet people that is not online but I have not yet discovered how to do that. I am researching the possibilities though.
I think I mentioned this before but its worth mentioning again. I had dated a guy last summer who ended up being an alcoholic and I ended the relationship when I found out. Prior to knowing this about him, I was really interested in him and even thought I might be close to loving him…. so fast foward. We’ve stayed in touch, although distantly. He just told me that he wanted to end his relationship with me anyway, because I was getting to serious. And in the same sentence, he told me he has just started on line dating, on one of those dating sites that people join where you get matched up by the site. This particular one attracts women seriously searching for relationships. I mentioned this to him and he said he didn’t care about that and all he wants is something casual and to be able to have sex with someone occassionally. He told me he’d tell women up front that he just wants casual. I told him anyone on this site is looking for a relationship, and if they agreed with what they said they would be hoping to change him in time. He said he didn’t care. I said never ever call me again.
And that, friends, is probably how most men approach on line dating. They lie and misrepresent themselves. That grossed me out so much, I was offended by this person. To think I actually liked him alot at one time…. yuck.
I’d rather be single and alone. Thanks Natalie, again.
I did all of the four things you describe…. and got me an EUM who messed me up.
After a year of reading your blogs I am back to online dating and I am carefully minding the red flags you wrote about and I am very strict with myself in not building skycastles or going for “my type”. Actually, when I see someone who I feel instantly atracted to I consider that a sign to stay away! And lo and behold I am meeting good guys! They are certainly there but you need to really finetune your radar.
I recently gave online dating a dab again after being out of the scene for a while, just getting myself back on track and figured it would be nice to see who was out there. I promised myself I would only meet a guy who seemed available and obviously didn’t have any red flags. I realized that; relationships are spiritual and are here to help you grow and that I most likely wasn’t going to meet that person online, especially the calibar that was on the site. It touched upon the boundaries you were discussing’ one of the guys I didn’t end up meeting but had 2 conversations with suggested me sending him pictures that I had on my cell phone of myself which sounds reasonable but he followed with “bc that shows how interested I am in you and how I am looking forward to meeting you” – I did end up sending him one photo but he refused to send me one of himself until I sent him another one – I just had a bad feeling and didnt continue. Then, another one I was talking to after one conversation was 34 years old living at home for the “time being” but proceeded to tell me how much he gambles. There were ones that didn’t even make it to the phone because one “text” me after I told him I couldn’t speak that night, but to call me the following day to talk and had the gall to not even call me the night I said I wouldnt be available but text… its all good.
I tried quiet a while back… three dates
first… a midget! I kid you not..he sent me a photo of himself behind a plinth (later I figured he was standing on a box)
Second… of course the guy who was twenty years older than his picture and he looked like he had been sitting in one place for twenty years, i’m sure all the grey was dust.
third..the freakest..the guy kept dropping code all night telling me about his ex wife and girlfriends and how they had all spanked him! he was dropping hints to find out if I would! Thank God I was niave and didn’t know what he was on about! I figured it out after telling a friend, what a laugh we had!
No, I would never ever consider finding a date on-line again, end of story!
My most recent disaster was someone I met on-line, but not via a dating site. It might as well have been though – the same things apply. Sometimes I feel guilty/sorry for going no–contact with the guy in quite a spectacularly rude way, then I read posts like this one my decision makes so much sense. Thanks Natalie.
What ever happened to meeting people the old fashioned way. Through family, friends, co-workers, clubs, volunteering, social events, lectures, taking classes, church, civic groups. There is a whole world out there chalked full of adventure and when you’re doing things for youself is when I truly believe you’ll meet someone.
Went on a date from a dating website on Friday night and I have to say do not want to have to go rhough anything like it again. Nice enough chap just not on my level at all. I asked when his last serious relationship was and he said years ago so I probed how many years ago> He said 8 and I just though no wonder. As horrible as it sounds I called a friend to come a rescue me as he wouldnt take the hint that it was end of the date. She came tears in her eyes to look like she was upset and I said sorry I am going to have to take her home she is really upset. I cant think of anything worse and I have paid for a 3 month subscription I dont want to go on now! oh and I have one who have e-mailed me for 2 weeks without take of ever meeting up I am about to tell him I dont want a penfriend! lol
My last online date freaked me out so much that’s how I ended up on this site. I was pretty much all of the above and I had already decided that online dating is too dangerous for me at the moment. Actually dating at all is too dangerous for me.
I am working through the advice on the personal happiness thread and when I’ve done with that I might just open up to dating again.
I find this site utterly depressing and yet I realise my only hope is to read it every day until I stop living in a damn fantasy world.
oh boy, was just on adating side, got tons of emails and partnerrequests, till I realized something must be woring, cause they are all writing the same BS, like they are sooo super sensitive, romantic and looking for the right one, they all have sense of humor and are sooo funny and they are all so spontanious and interested in music and italian food.
Jesus…I just took a spet back and thought, what kind of BS that is, and that I never meet all those dreamboys on street, seems they are all hiding in the internet? No. It’ s really dangerous. They say blablabla…you open too fast through mails, and most of them are obesessed about any hobbies and what kind of music they hear to present themselves as great catches.
My gut told me all time, somethings wrong. And if I learned something through NML and my last year of being in hell, if your gut says something’s wrong, your gut is right. It never disappointed me. Not once. Disappointment came through not listen to it.
I couldn’t hear the BS any more of “how a woman like ME is on such a dating side”. I just realized 99 % of humanity seems to think a beautiful woman has to have a relationship, if not something’s wrong with her. I am sick of it. I am sick of that market place. I better enjoy the company of good friends, where I can be just myself.
@Michelle LOL – what he meant was talking about sex was how *he* gets to know someone! I always say that whilst online dating is a handy tool if you have patience and great judgement skills, imagine what it would be like if you didn’t have the internet – what would you do to go about meeting someone? The great majority of people I know have met someone via friends, work, at a party, an interest/hobby etc – ie out and about doing their everyday thing.
@Wendy The reason why he uses that site instead of one of the others is because he doesn’t want to be seen as one of ‘those guys’ looking for casual sex. He seems to think he’s above that and would rather be duplicitous. He is exactly the reason why I have repeatedly said to readers that we must exercise judgement because we cannot assume that people 1) come to dating for the same reasons as us or 2) go to the appropriate place to meet that person. Thank goodness you got away!
@truthhurts Bingo – if it feels familiar and familiar hasn’t been good, take that as a mega warning sign!
@G – The first thing you need to brace yourself for if you’re going to do online dating is that you will have to weed through a lot of chaff, have a lot of patience, and have your spidey senses on high alert. It takes perseverance and a strong sense of self because you will need to work your way through a lot of people to get to a decent date. At least you are wising up!
de-lightedtobefree The photos used on dating sites are beyond suspicious. Until you meet a person face to face, you just have no way of truly knowing who and what you’re dealing with. Unless you use video or something… Spanking? Too funny! I like the way he’s wasted no time trying to get that one on the table!
@Roz Don’t feel guilty – do what you need to do and don’t get caught up in self-doubt because you need your boundaries and a decent sense of self to survive this. Make your decision and move on. Trust me, they’re probably pestering someone else already!
@MaryC Amen, amen, amen, amen! Sing it! This dependency on the internet is scary!
@Thecat Well it’s better than sitting through the pain of the date. Make a date for a coffee, then if you’re enjoying yourselves you can always upgrade it – far less pressure than booking yourself out for an entire evening.
@raven It’s good that you can be real with yourself. Distance gives objectivity and rather than trying to use online dating as a balm to soothe your open wounds and creating more problems, as you’ve realised it’s better to address any issues. Too many illusions online!
@jen Your gut is your friend that goes everywhere with you. Learn to understand it and nurture it and never ignore it as it’s trying to communicate a message to you. It’s like a meat market with online dating. As I’ve said to the others, it needs a hell of a lot of patience and you need to have a strong sense of self to deal with it.