Over parts one and two of this mini series on being valued and having personal values, I’ve been emphasising the importance of recognising that you are setting your own value by the company that you keep, expecting ‘unqualified’ and undeserving people to not only value but to validate you, and often living inconsistent with the values that you profess to have, which of course creates the conflict that arises in being involved with someone who isn’t keen on respecting boundaries or doesn’t value what you value.
People value people who know their own mind, have values, have boundaries, accept themselves, and live their lives accordingly.
This is an example of why if you take up the role of the Fallback Girl or allow someone to take the lead in your relationship, or have them dictate the pace and temperature, you will run into trouble. Always.
Ever waited around for the other party to finish it?
Ever said ‘I need him to do the decent thing and end it/leave me alone because I can’t do it’?
Ever ‘woken up’ part way through a relationship and wondered how the hell you got there or how you let someone get away with setting the tone of dubious behaviour?
Hard as it may be to hear, Mr Unavailables and assclowns for instance, even if they don’t say it (and to be fair, why the hell do you need them to?), have a lot more respect for the people who tell them to take a run and jump and don’t put up with their bullsh*t manoeuvres.
Yes, Mr Unavailables and assclowns respecting you in their warped way, may mean that you don’t have them in your lives any longer, but at least you’re respecting yourself and living your life as a person of value.
That may involve being on your own initially but if you consistently live your life with boundaries and values, you will attract likeminded people, especially because if you are doing these things, there is no room those that are reliant on being involved with people who have little or no boundaries and are quick to sack off their values.
People who don’t value you, don’t think ‘Ah…there they are this wonderful person of value giving me the time of day and their love when I’m not really all that and they’re telling me that things need to change, OK, I will change for them because I’m very lucky to be loved by this person’. Instead, they think:
‘If she had any real self-respect or love for herself, there’s no way she’d still be with me. I wonder what’s wrong with her?/There is something wrong with her.’
‘If she’s really as great as she says she is, what is she doing with a me? [A 40-something commitment resistant man who’s had more hopeful women than hot dinners, still lives with his mother and has no desire or intention of being an different to what he is.]’
‘She keeps telling me she deserves better than this, how any guy would be lucky to have her, yet she’s still hanging around here telling me how much she loves me, that she’s prepared to wait, and how we’re soulmates. Doesn’t she get it yet? I don’t want to be tied down by anyone. Jesus, you’d think she’d take the hint! Surely she must realise that it’s X I’ve been going to see when I tell her I’m working late….’
If you don’t make the connection between your actions and personal values, you will end up devaluing yourself because as shown in the examples, the other person starts being suspicious of your value, questioning your value, or realises that the game is up and that no matter what you’re saying, your professed personal values and what you claim is your value don’t stack up.
Note that if you have been involved with Mr Unavailables and assclowns that even though their personal values may not be great, they don’t deviate from them, and even if they do, they manage their way back to them.
If you have boundaries and personal values, you’ll respect other people who know their own mind even if it means that it makes you incompatible, you’ll align yourself with people who share your values and recognise that a clash of values makes you incompatible, you’ll have boundaries and act upon them, you’ll accept the reality of people and not cross their boundaries, and your life will be a positive extension of this.
In part one, I also talked about how ‘value’ and misusing it, is a bit like having an expensive property and then moving in someone who treats it like a beat up caravan – Even if you don’t initially realise that the person who is ‘living on your property’ is going to act without love, care, trust, and respect, the moment that you do realise, is the moment that action needs to be taken, rather than allowing the person to cause more damage.
Love is not about having the power to make someone change and have them be and do as you want. Genuine love requires acceptance and knowing that you’re both in this reality together.
Love is not getting ‘proof’ that someone loves you because you made them change or made them see your value.
Note that the only way you can become ‘compatible’ in these situations is for a) you to abandon all of your values and basically disappear as an entity of value, or b) them to abandon their values and end up disappearing, or c) compromise on your values, which is likely to be dodgy as your values are at your core which would remove your beliefs and principles.
Accept who you are instead of resisting it and looking for others to validate you or immersing yourself in other people’s problems so that you can demand change. By learning to accept instead of resisting, not only are you being real, you also open yourself up to the possibility of making your relationship work on a real level, because the person will see through your spirit of acceptance that you are not going to be actively resisting everything because you’re now being real.
If someone thinks that you are a non-accepting person who is living in lala land, they stop trying or wanting to try because there is no point. What would you think if you were involved with someone who was entrenched in illusions instead of getting real? Do you feel good when you’re not accepted? Do you feel good when your efforts are criticised?No, of course you don’t, and if you internalise the lack of acceptance, it fosters negativity.
As I said in my recent post about why we don’t see our qualities and contributions accurately,
“What this all means is that you have a choice: change tack and stop the talking, or get out.
While you may think it’s an option to stay and try to extract change, you’re creating a serious breeding ground of negativity. After a while, any conversations about the relationship are likely to be met with a wall of conflict, especially if when you express how you feel or discuss the relationship, it tends to result from something negative.”
So where do you go from here? Get real about what you think your personal values are and what they actually are.
Values are about what you need in order to live your life authentically so that you can be happy and feel good. If you haven’t figured it out already, the lack of values and not connecting them with your actions and choices means that you engage in relationship insanity – repeatedly doing the same things, going out with same person different package, and expecting different results.
Note that I say that values are about what you need as opposed to what you’d like to have. I also suggest that whatever your personal values are that you expect these not only out of others but also out of yourself.
Personal values are a necessity much like your boundaries but are often underused, under-enforced, or even unknown, much like boundaries, but every relationship you have will come undone if you don’t have them.
Personal values are personal so much as you might think it’s great to court the opinion of everyone from your mother, to your friends, to the woman that cuts your hair, there is no point. Your values are personal to you and by now, experience has taught you that if you take on the values of others or try to get people to see your values, or attempt to impose them on others, you will run into conflict.
As your values are like a sum of your life experiences, it’s a good idea, if you are finding yourself having negative relationship experiences and potentially feel your self-esteem impacted, that you examine what you value because the likelihood is that you’ve either never asked yourself, or haven’t for a long time.
If you’re the type of person that doesn’t see their qualities and contributions accurately and has been thinking that what stands in the way of a successful relationship is others, not you, I highly recommend that you examine your values.
– Write down what you think you value. Don’t overthink it. For now, just write down what springs to mind and be honest with yourself otherwise it’s only yourself you’re deluding. Also think about situations and events where you are happy and most at ease and yourself – they will give you a clue to your values.
– Look at your significant partners (whether that’s based on length of relationship or impact) and ask yourself how many of these values were you actually able to have in your relationships.
– For each of the values you did not follow through on in your relationships, ask yourself why that was the case. The answer to these questions will tell you what your habits and relationship patterns are driven by. – You may find it helps to note the specific negative consequence or what occurred as a result of not having these values.
– The values that were met by your partners, ask yourself how important they actually are to you. For instance if you value appearance but were made miserable by other values and the relationship floundered based on other values, this suggests that you prioritised values that are not actually needed or necessary to the detriment of things that actually are.
– Look back at your list and eliminate the values that are ‘nice to have’ but not actually necessary. I’d knock off superficial stuff, anything about hobbies, and look at the values that were met by your partners and ask yourself which ones do you truly need of these, if any.- Another way of testing the list, is, depending on how many are in the list, choose the ten most necessary, then knock off one at a time so that you get to see what you value the most – understand what your priority is and what you’ve been prioritising.
– If, when you are left with ten, half or more of them are values that were met by your previous partners, this is a red flag in your thinking as you’re seeking to repeat patterns again which is not only relationship insanity, but indicative of you not being accountable for your relationship experience and holding onto illusions. eg If you have 10 values left and 5 of them were values that were met by previous partners who you had dubious relationships with and have been unhappy, make sure they they are necessary, not ‘nice to have’.
– Look at the personal values that you have left. Are they personal values that you live by? Do you know why you value them? Understanding why you value them will make them not only more valuable to you, but will give you a sense of ownership, responsibility to act in your own interests, and make you aware of your own value. If they are driven by negative experiences, think about them from a rational now perspective rather than a hurt perspective so that you can empower yourself to move on from it.
Whatever personal values you have left, these are a necessity, you don’t deviate from them, and you have boundaries in place to ensure that you live your life congruent with these values rather than in conflict with them. You determine your value – you want to be valued and be of value, value yourself and live your life authentically with your values and boundaries instead of trying to morph and adapt to others or trying to get people to change to suit you.
Your thoughts?
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Oh yeah. Waiting for HIM to break it up. BEEN THERE. This does become a “power and control” issue. An A/C that I dated in my 20’s told me that instead of telling his ex-wife that it was “over,” he just acted like an *** in order to get HER to break it up. However, this was nothing more than a strategic legal move to make him look better in the divorce court.
However, when neither one of you are married, hoping the OTHER person will break it up is just shielding yourself so the other person looks bad and you don’t. But I do understand the “power and control” thing of it, as I have played the “see if HE breaks it up” game. He didn’t so I had to.
But, just because you are the one who walks out, doesn’t make the hurt any less.
If you’re emotionally invested and you have to walk away, it’s of course going to hurt. Sometimes we have to walk away in our own best interests and suffer the short term pain for the long term gain
NML, could you go over this whole process of deciding what you value and how you do it. I’m sure it must be clear to other readers, but I get really confused especially when it says that if half or more of them are values that were met by your previous partners, this is a red flag in your thinking. I think this like that ephiphany you were talking about in several posts, but I’m not getting it. Could you do a post on this process in more detail or examples, please. I’m not even sure what a value is; like if I value appearance and this is a value met by previous partners, why is this a red flag? I need some guidance here. Thanks so much.
Hi Still Looking. I have amended it slightly but I will be providing a more detailed option. Lookout for further details 🙂
Great series, NML. I like the “list your values” exercise. I made a short list and was pretty ashamed to admit that although my husband has every one of these qualities, I no longer possess my top 3. I’ll be bringing it to therapy to discuss why I felt it acceptable to not only stray from my values, but also become entangled with another man who does not possess these values.
Thansk for that post Still looking, I’m a bit confused too. I realise that I often fall in with other people’s opinions or keep my own to myself because I’m scared of the confrontation and this is ridiculous. I guess this has transferred into my personal life.
To be honest, I wouldn’t know where to start listing my values. Until I discovered this site six weeks ago after splitting with my ex EUM (he didn’t want to be the bad guy so I ended the relationship) I didn’t even know what I wanted from a partner. I thought I did of course, but now I see that these were just superficial things 🙁
What about when isnt your values that are conflicted but your ideas of how a relationship should be like? Like for example you think that a relationship should have lots of romance and contact and your man doesnt agree much and is fine with having the oposite of that?
Anusha, That is where I am “hung up.” I get into a relationship, and I immediately go into “supposed to” mode. I have no idea what I do and don’t want, I just go into “suppoed to” mode.
My recent A/C was like you describe. No romance, no passion. It was there at first, but then HE decided he was comfortable without it. The dude was in his early 60’s. I guess he wanted to act like “Grandparents married 40 years” and I wanted to act like newlyweds.
I know what you mean.Sometimes I used to fell like those couples that are married for years with my ex,while I wanted some romance and passion.
Values matter. It is how we view the world and can maintain integrity.
Recently I was challenged to do my own personal mission statement. I finally have it.
“I choose to live a balanced life of abundance. By helping others get what they want, I get what I want – a successful life full of love, peace, joy, hope, financial freedom, great health and purpose.”
Once you have the vision of the future, the way there opens up!
By seeing it and saying it everyday it also aids in bringing what you do want rather than still attracting what you resist – the guy with different values!
Natalie has it right, make a list of your values.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Step 4 Have a Clear Vision Then Take Action Daily =-.
Wow!
My core values that are necessary are a list of about six, and I’m good with the list. I was NOT clear on these values when I met my ex/babydaddy as I was 21 and barely knew what life was about or who I was. I had also just come out of an alcoholic home.
However with time, i became more and more clear on my values…yet the last EUM/AC I had a fling with….I overlooked the fact that he did not share a couple of my core values…and what I didn’t over look…I simply did not have my eyes open for….for example when someone earnestly says they value and can appreciate the value of honesty…I wasn’t looking for if they were just a really good liar about how deceptive they are. Crazy!
Another great article!
I’m splitting hairs here.
I differentiate between “core values” and “romantic values.”
My last A/C had all my “core values.” That is what attracted me. And initially he “parroted” me on “romantic” values. But I failed to see that it was “parroting” until the “romantic” values started to diverge. But the “core” values did not diverge, which was why it was a hard decision to leave him. He had the same “core values” as I did.
this is interesting, WHat are your core values if you dont mind me asking? And why he was an AC even if he had them?
Well, to name a few: We were both frugal. We were both loners, weren’t into being “Social butterflies.” We both liked animals. We both didn’t fuss too much over housekeeping, just enough to be ok, but not perfect.
Why was he an A/C? Well, when I met him, he was lively and goofy and fun. And the “intimate” stuff was decent, for a dude in his 60’s. Then, I started noticing “little things.” Like, if I told him I LIKED something, he would stop doing it (or MAKE SURE he never did it if he hadn’t already). This was in EVERYTHING, including “intimacy.” I should have recognized this as a “flag.” He asked me to move in with him, so I did. That is when EVERYTHING went out the window (even intimacy). He quit being lively, goofy, and fun. He ignored me. Intimacy went out the window. He bit my head off over crazy things. He treated me like a roommate. When I threatened to leave (which wasn’t a threat, I really meant to leave!), he would get all gooey again, and tell me he loved me and needed me. So I would say,”ok, I’ll stay.” Then things would go right back to “normal” (translation: He ignored me again). We went through three more cycles of this. Then I decided I had enough and I walked out.
The biggest “Red flag” that I should have picked up on was that he asked me to move in with him when, even though we knew each other 2 months, we hadn’t even gone an an official “date.”
This was definitely a ” Jeckyl/Hyde” situation.
I understand, AC’s are perfect at ignoring you, faking a future with you, yet they dont ever take you seriously to nor they’re giving.
I think I got confused when you said you both shared core values: I thought you meant : honesty, respect, love etc. I just didnt understand how could he still be an AC?
But I think you confused similarities in personality and preferences in social settings with innate traits and values as a person. I think This will be a good question to ask for NML next post. WHat exactly are Core values versus personal values and examples of them. Because I think we confuse similarities with values.
Katty I agree I think there is some confusion over things in common vs core values. It can be hard to work out.
Some of my core values are, honesty, authenticity, loyalty, open communication, manogamy, respect, stability, consistancy, emotionally intelligent, no abuse (violent, verbally or substance) and intimacy to name a few. Things in common for me are things like movies, theatre, music, trips, food, lifestyles (like party animal vs homely and cultured), cooking, that kind if thing.
I hope I’ve got it right?
Something I deeply appreciate is being told that MY time is appreciated. Not something I have ever heard from any of the men in my past…
Being true to yourself is the only way, and when you take good stock of yourself then people who treat you without respect tend not to be on your radar very long – because you simply don’t let them in like you used to.
I read somewhere that any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable, or causes you to have to work for love, is too expensive!
I thought about this again recently after reading these last few series. I have been paying a lot in the last few months….I gave more than I ever got. The EUM even warned me in the beginning that he could not give me what I wanted. Instead of really listening I began spending in my valuse and gained a healthy dose of unworthiness. I equate what I did to going to a store and continously paying for an item I knew I was never going to own. That sounds ridiculous…who would do that?
I had a lot of ‘light-bulb moments’ but still called him a day later!
As usual, you are right on, Natalie. I have actually had bad dreams the last 2 nights for the first time, thinking about the fact that this man is NOT right for me and does not have the same values as I do. All of your posts seem to come at just the right time. Thanks so much for saving my spirit and soul. It’s amazing that just the right words can help so much!!
From Katy0001: “I think I got confused when you said you both shared core values: I thought you meant : honesty, respect, love etc. I just didnt understand how could he still be an AC? But I think you confused similarities in personality and preferences in social settings with innate traits and values as a person. I think This will be a good question to ask for NML next post. WHat exactly are Core values versus personal values and examples of them. Because I think we confuse similarities with values.”
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Ok, perhaps you have a point. Ok, NML, what, exactly, are “core values” versus “personal values” as brought up by katy? My A/C and I had similar personality traits, but he ran hot and cold on me.
Honestly, this whole hot and cold thing. I’d rather never date again then put up with that. My best friend who is male gave a really good responce when I asked, why are so many people like this???
He said :
You know me, I don’t care for the hot and cold at all. People like that seem to just treat others poorly whenever things aren’t quite going right for them. It’s like they have a license to be a tool if they’re going through something when really it should be the complete opposite. Those people they’re treating like crap are usually the ones that would help them out the most.
I found what he said very interesting especially from a male perspective. In my case the above comment is spot on, my x would behave thus way anytime things didn’t quite go right or according to his way.
I don’t care what anyone says, behaving that way is a choice, they no the pain and distress it causes, after all they watched us on the recieving end, shaken and beweilded. It us simple NOT ok and unacceptable to treat people in this manner.
Exactly right NML. When a man has no desire or intention to be any different than who he is right now. We need to recognise this fact and not spend our time and energy trying to help him see the light.
Dawn….Couldn’t of said it better myself.
Natalie, I don’t know what values are (am I in real trouble?).
Is it like: doing well my job? That is all it springs to mind at the moment.
Is treating people fairly a value?
Values are very important.. I remember looking back at my narcissts ex. We were out shopping together for the first time and he was changing the price tags on a pair of shoes that he was buying while we were in the store… DECEITFULNESS AT ITS BEST!! He was determined that he wasn’t going to pay the price for them. Excuse me but we’re at ROSS!!!! So I say this to say the little RED LIGHTS that go off are always there… Its up to us to recognize them but sometimes we don’t until later…. HONESTY was clearly one value that he didn’t have!!
Spot on, this is a good way to start to get to your values if your struggling to find them, we all have them but it can require some thought. Here is another.
When I look back at my emotionally confused inchworm I’m reminded of one of many incidences.
I sent him flowers because apparently he was quite sick. He was very happy and grateful and told me the story of how he opened the door and there they were blah blah blah.
Went out to dinner with him and his mum, she actually told a different version, they she got the flowers and when the x who apparently was sick, GOT HOME he then got the flowers. At the time she said it i didn’t even pick up on the lie, I was kind of embarrassed my the big fuss they all made to be honest. But he came to me that night all freaked out and anxious (just fir a change) about I guess you noticed the lie?? He gave me this really weird escuse that he wanted it to be more romantic and didn’t like the fact he wasn’t there to recieve them? So he pretended he was. At the time I didn’t freak out to much because he hadn’t really shown me his true colours yet but as time went by and more and more white lies, hot/cold, withdrawing, mood swings and everything else. I realise now that it was acted flag, if someone needed to lie, there is a reason. Especially about something as small as recieving bloody flowers? He lied and it wasn’t the 1st time and certainly wasn’t the last.
Being honest is one of my core values, lieing is not ok. In fact it’s a red flag!!! He was not an honest person.
In fact all apart from one x who has now been my best friend for 10 years, all lied and were not honest. Yet my biggest core value is honesty, loyalty, truth and trust? I let these men trample on my values and cross my boundarys. I have to accept the respnsabilty that I allowed it to happen. Which means I have the power to change it 🙂 in fact I have more power then I’d ever realised, over my life.
I am sitting here reading this post and others for the 1st time and I feel so horrible to know that for the last 8 years I have not had values or boundaries with men. I have been stuck in the worst man-rut, and I’m realizing with the last pseudo-relationship I had that I was at an all-time low. I don’t know how I got here but I am not staying; I will not be powerless, valueless, and boundary-less any more.
Why do you call it a pseudo-relationship? What circumstances made that relationship your “epiphany” relationship?
Hi Natalie,
I am with a typical EUM been thru it all with him. I live and tell him I’m done and give me a break and doesn’t contact then he’s right back in the picture and still not giving me what I want or need been going on a year now.
Recently, things have been alright but not great for the past month only cause I haven’t been pressing the issue and just going with the flow. I found out I was pregnant last week we both agreed we both weren’t ready and I got an abortion. Presently I’m feeling it’s impossible for me leave more then ever cause I have this added bond with him. I dunno if you have any advice on this subject?
I feel really sad about what has happened and it has been effecting me and has deeply sadden me, I feel he’s the only one that can ease me. I told him ” I can’t sleep & I’ve been thinking; things have got to change, they can’t stay like this anymore. I can’t go thru anymore situations & things still stay the same, what else has to happen? If all this wasn’t ok before it’s definitely not ok now. If u don’t know what u want then I need to move on. ” he calls me and tells me we’ll talk about it later. Then when we talk he acts like nothing has happened. I want to move on cause I’m always sad with him but I’m deeply attached to him. It would have to be him to end it for me to leave but I want to be strong.
Thanks for your time!
Should I just pull away and see how far he will work for it?
Open My Eyes you should pull far away and never look back. Playing mind games with a man and pulling away isn’t gonna make him want you any more that it does if you stay and take the same bull shit. In no way am I degrading or passing judgement on you so don’t take it the wrong way but no man is gonna make me have an abortion and still be in my life. EVER!!! If abortion was the first solution that came out of his mouth then that would have been my awakening moment to LEAVE HIS ASS first of all; do what I got to do and to make sure that my unborn child gets a chance to have a life with or without him; EVEN IF ADOPTION needs to be the case and move on. Any real man with any type of character about himself would first after immediately acknowledging that he impregnated his girlfriend would first want her to give LIFE… regardless of the circumstances… I hope you get through with what you’re going through but I wouldn’t wait around for him..
Thank you JJ for your time and words.
I know I need to drop him but I feel like it’s a big mistake if I do. I will try my best and hope for the best!
Thanks again!
Open My Eyes, the worst thing about this situation is trying to get this kind of guy out of your soul after you have broken up, even if you are the one who walked out.
I’m still trying to get the guy out of my soul. It’s hard!
I told him tonight it’s best we go our own ways because nothing is changing and this last situation is the last straw. He had the nerve to say I’m confusing!!! LOL!! Then I said the best solution is for us to go our own ways.
Hang in there it’s for the best and only good things will come the more we get them out of our system!
@ Open my Eyes.. you made the first step by being truthful with yourself that there’s nothing to gain but misery… now on to actually removing him completely from your life so you clear some space to receive the right person..( wherever he may be) He’s out there somewhere!! For every women that’s has gone through their share we always have to kiss a few bad frogs first before we find our PRINCE…
Thank you all for ur kind words!!
Glad there’s a place for us to go to due to the fact of all the EUM’s and assclowns.