In part one, I explained how you can tell a lot about someone by the company that they keep, and rather than focusing on other people and what appears to be social proof that they’re ‘great people’, you should instead, be looking closer to home at yourself.

If you claim to be someone of great value and then you hang with someone who treats you like low value goods and stick around to try to get them to see and treat you like higher value goods (i.e. teach them to learn to value you), it’s you who is changing your value, not them.”

The whole ‘being valued’ issue is something that permeates every dysfunctional, flagging relationship where someone clings on for dear life trying to get the other party to ‘see’, ‘hear’, and ‘value’ them in the way that they want to be seen, heard, and valued.

The conflict continues because if someone values you because you have no boundaries, jump to their beat when they get in touch, will give them a shag when they call up out of the blue, and are willing to keep restarting things with them and turn a blind eye, you trying to get them to value you as someone worthy of love, care, trust, and respect and who is worth more than a booty call, is a futile exercise.

I can’t emphasise enough: You cannot get someone to value you as something that you’re not actually being in the relationship now.

They don’t think ‘ Well the value before she met me was X or the value when I change my slinky ways will be Y so I’ll value her as X or Y’. They do however think ‘Right now, she’s behaving as value Z and I’ll act accordingly.’

Not only are your actions inconsistent with your words, but your actions are also inconsistent with the value and personal values that you claim to have. Either that, or you no longer know what values you have.

If someone has not made the connection between having values and the relationships that they have with others, they will not recognise the impact of their actions, and connect the dots and recognise that they have to have values and be a person of positive action to get their relationships to work. That’s them and you.

When you’re in a relationship, you need to have compatible values otherwise the relationship cannot work.

Personal values are something you learn from early on in life but they are in tandem with who you are and your beliefs, so really, trying to force someone to change their beliefs so you can get what you want, is exhausting (and futile) work. Change your mentality about relationships and yourself, adopt healthier love habits, and be authentic by having boundaries and values that you live by and act upon, and you not only change you, but the relationships that you’re in and the people that you attract.

You may not have great personal values right now, but if you want to, you can assess what you’ve been valuing and choose differently.

You have to make the connection between the fact that you have to value different things so that you will treat yourself with more value, and stop indulging in relationship insanity – doing the same things again and again, carrying the same baggage and beliefs, and expecting different results.

Understand what you value now so you can work on changing what you value tomorrow and going forward.

A lot of us live life unconsciously, never really questioning what we chase, our relationship habits, our values and boundaries or lackthereof, until we are put in a position of realising that something has to change, and it has to be us. Keep hanging around trying to force them to see things ‘your way’ and you’ll be like someone in the ER, trying to revive someone who’s been flatlining for ages and is actually dead.

If you believe it’s wrong to be dishonest and cheat and they believe that it’s OK to lie to ‘stop someone’s feelings from being hurt’ (read: avoid conflict and honesty), and that cheating is just ‘something that happens’, you’ll be flogging that donkey till it collapses. Valuing honesty means that you must not give accommodation to those that seek to challenge your boundaries and limit what you know.

Likewise, if you believe in monogamy and they believe in shagging around, why stay with someone who doesn’t?

If you believe in being treated with respect, why treat yourself with disrespect by allowing someone to repeatedly disrespect you? It’s demoralising.

If you value stability and they value taking up the role of papa was a rolling stone, trying to impose your values and desires and feeling bad because they won’t stop ‘rolling’ to prove their love for you, is setting yourself up to fail – find a stable character! You can’t value stability so much if you’re clinging to someone who rejects stability as it’s an unstable life.

If you value honesty, and they value keeping the truth to themselves, telling ‘little lies’ to get what they want, and telling you only what they think you can handle, you’ll clash. You need to value your right to honesty and opt out rather than trying to teach an adult Pinnochio how to tell the truth. They’re not a child! You’re not a teacher or their parent.

Likewise though, if you claim to value truth, but can’t actually handle it and are an illusions driven person that avoids seeing the reality of things, you don’t actually value truth, you value illusions and living in denial. You need to learn the value of acceptance and truth and get out of denial so you can empower yourself to live the life you want in reality.

If you value sex and intimacy between two people in a relationship, why relegate yourself to slipping someone a piece in a booty call role?

If you value being in a mutually fulfilling relationship, with love, care, trust, respect, and commitment, why continue to hold onto an unfulfilling relationship where you have little or no boundaries and the person is resisting being in the relationship you want? You are fundamentally incompatible.

If you value being ‘right’ and having the last word, you will find yourself in conflict and perpetually unhappy as you try to not only be ‘right’ all the time, but you seek to get everyone to see how you’re right as well so that you can be validated. In the meantime, everyone is getting on with their lives while you’re on your high horse. You need to value happiness and leave others to their own devices – it’s not your job to tell people who they are and point out their faults. It is your job to manage your own life and be accountable and responsible for your own happiness.

If you value acceptance, you can’t not accept who you are as a person, or engage in repeatedly letting your partner know your dissatisfaction and making it clear that you don’t accept them because you want them to change…while at the same time wondering why they don’t accept you as you are. You also can’t try to force someone to accept you in the way that you want to be accepted. Acceptance flows two ways. You don’t value acceptance in this instance; you value control and being in denial about your own contribution and issues. Accept the fact that they don’t value you how you want to be valued instead of resisting and internalising their actions.

If you want to be valued, you have to know your value and personal values, and also know their value and values.

Be careful of falling into the trap that many women do and overvaluing a man simply because he’s breathing, has a working penis, and has shown them some interest or is playing hard to ‘get’.

I know I say this regularly, but men are not the centre of the earth. The sun doesn’t rise and set on them, they’re not the fountain of happiness, nor the definition of it, and never, ever make a man, or getting one your vocation because you immediately devalue yourself. Never give some guy with the emotional intellect of a child with a lack of basic decent values, the power to determine your value.

As I asked a couple of women recently: Why, when someone has consistently shown that they are lacking in morals and values, are you asking this chump to value you? What do you think that it communicates to him?

If they’re throwing you crumbs and you’re valuing it like a loaf, who is creating and distorting the value? – It’s you.

The more you value someone who treats you like low value goods, is the more deluded that they become, and when they’re done with you, they just pass their delusion on to someone else.

It’s not about saying ‘Oh he’s low value’ but more, ‘We both value different things and as a result, if I stay in this relationship, not only will I be undervalued, but I’ll end up devaluing myself.’

Remember, if loving someone means that you can’t love/value you, always choose you.

Back in the final part 3.

Your thoughts?


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