After I broke up with an assclown many moons ago, I found myself wondering about getting back with him. He was no better than he was when I was with him but I decided that the desire to be around him was so great that it must be indicative of how great our ‘love’ was – surely love would conquer all?
Fortunately common sense kicked in on that occasion because I recognised that not only was he no better, but he was actually worse. However, I am not alone in wanting a man and a relationship that’s no good for me and even though I went on to be involved with even more assclowns, one thing that stuck with me is that there is a reason why you broke up.
You can gloss it over, inflate it with your vision of the great, happy ever after, but in the cold light of day, you cannot ignore the fact that the relationship ended for a reason and if that reason still exists, even if you choose to ignore it, the relationship will fail again.
This is a key fundamental because as women who have a great capacity to expend vast amounts of emotional energy on poor relationship investments, we love to:
Believe and insist that they can change – I Can Change Him syndrome
Suffer with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome – overdiscussing and overthinking the relationship so that we can mask inaction
Project our vision of things on people or decide that they will do something because it’s what we do if we were them.
All of this means that we end up spending far too much time with men who are unworthy of us because we’re not being real about the relationship and then when it’s over, we continue to expend even more energy pining for the illusion and trying to restart the relationship.
Most of the time when I have wanted to get back with an ex, it’s for the security because there is the fear of the unknown which seems less palatable than being around someone who saps the good out of you.
Fear is often the key driver – fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of him being better for someone else even though he’s crap with you, fear that all men are the same so you may as well settle, fear you can’t do any better, and the list goes on…
Getting back with an ex needs to be a positive step that enables you both to go forward.
It can’t be a case of you deciding to shut out the reality of him and the relationship by choosing to ignore or gloss over the reasons why the relationship ended, because it doesn’t change the fact that not only do they still exist, but those issues still exist for him, even if he’s not prepared to acknowledge them or be accountable for his part in the relationship.
Wanting, wishing, willing for things to be exactly as you imagine them to be is not the best use of your energy. It is important for you to get real because the sooner that you get real, the sooner you can establish whether there is anything to actually go back to.
Don’t get me wrong – there are people who break up, get back together and go on to bigger and better things together, but invariably when poor relationships end, they’re supposed to, it’s just that human nature makes us resistant to change. We’re also resistant to working at things but we’re also resistant to recognising that we need a foundation to a relationship in the first place for there to be something to work on.
And this is where many of us have and will come a cropper – if you are habitually involved with emotionally unavailable men and assclowns, your relationships have little or no foundation which doesn’t give you a great place to start from when you’re considering returning.
You also need to recognise that the reasons why a relationship works for one person is not the same as the other parties reasons, particularly in a poor relationship.
The guy may be comfortable with being able to behave in a certain way – if he’s been used to being allowed to take the piss in the relationship, show up when he feels like it, call when he wants to, be taken back when he’s played away, not have his lack of contribution questioned etc, it’s a bit of a leap to think that he’ll be comfortable playing the dutiful boyfriend.
We can’t assume that because we love someone that they in turn should embrace that love and do as we expect – as I’ve said before, loving someone doesn’t create an automatic IOU.
You also need to consider that in poor relationships, often what we think is love, is drama and fear.
The big question you have to ask yourself is: what are you going back to?
When you put aside what you’d like to be going to if only he did x,y, and z in the future and look at his consistent behaviour, you need to weigh up the reality of who he is. If he’s been a jackass for 10 out of 12 months and you’re focused on the first 2 months as a basis for going back, something is rather jacked up about your optimism because he’s been an assclown for 83% of your relationship and you’re living it up on a meagre 17%.
You then need to ask yourself: have we been down this road before?
If you’ve broken up numerous times, what’s so different this time?
You think he sounds more contrite, more desperate? Has he made oodles of promises? You desperately want it to work? If you’ve broken up many a time, the likelihood is that unless something is dramatically different and he is consistently action focused (and you are too), you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Remember – the level of upset you feel after you break up doesn’t correlate with the amount of love you think you feel for him – if you have low self-esteem and a penchant for poor relationships, you hanker for the bad stuff.
Be real about what you’re going back to. If I had gone back to the assclown I mentioned at the beginning, I’d have been going back to a flaky guy who wasn’t sure from one week to the next how much of a boyfriend he wanted to be. I’d have been wondering who he’s flirting with when he’s out, waiting by the phone fannying my life away, and feeling disappointed by his failure to live up to the promise I had created for him. The real him wasn’t very attractive.
Your thoughts?
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Sooo true! NML i truly thank you for helping me become a much stronger woman. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to go back to the xEUM but i kept reminding myself that he was still the same person and that he hasnt changed. That kept me focused on the FACTS rather than the fantasy or wishes that I had. Every time i was afraid, or thought that i had missed him, i went back to asking myself if things would be any different and the answer was always “NO”. I learned to realize that the desire lay mostly in my heart and that I could not will something to happen just because I wanted it so badly. It helped me to take a step back and realize that I was giving to much credit to a man and a relationship that wasnt even giving me 25% of what I wanted. That it takes TWO people to make it work, not just me doing the work for both of us. Like you said, I can want it all I want, but the truth and the fact remains that this person has not changed and so therefore, what would be the purpose of going back? You have helped me tremendously with my self esteem and in realizing that I need not be wasting my time any longer. I am altogether a much better woman with all types of relationships because of your advice and your site.
Thank you again!!! 🙂
Ugh. Yes.
Last year I was dating a man who was going through a divorce. I fell hard. So did he. But it became really obvious really quickly that he was not at all ready for a new relationship. So I sent him away to sort things out and spread his wings a little, and we agreed to meet again on a specific date.
So last week we met up again, and it was p-a-i-n-f-u-l. Not only has nothing changed — it’s actually gotten worse. His divorce is stalled, he’s angry at her for that and furious at himself for having a bad marriage in the first place…and while he’s still crazy about me, he’s also still not ready for anything serious.
I cried. He cried. And then I sent him away again. And while I told him he was welcome to call me when he’s legally and emotionally free, I don’t know when that will be, and I am not holding my breath that I will ever hear from him again.
It hurts like hell but at least I’m not hanging around waiting who knows how long for things that are totally out of my control to be different. I have to believe there’s someone out there who has all of this guy’s fantastic qualities AND is ready to fall in love. (There is, isn’t there?)
P.S. I will never again date someone in the throes of a divorce. The ink has to be dry on the final papers, thank you very much. Learned my lesson on that for sure.
Very timely post NML, thank you! Had the rose tinted glasses already in my hands but putting them quickly back in the drawer now!
Hey Nibbie,
You are really smart to send him away and tell him not to come back until he has things sorted out. I was in a similar situation, and spend 3 years of my life waiting for a “stalled” divorce. I finally was able to stick to no contact, and he is still married, (maybe or maybe not working on the divorce). He always said he loved me, and that it was me he wanted to be with, but was always spouting the excuse that it was a delicate matter getting through the divorce…. I finally figured out that the divorce was probably not happening, and he was telling me that to keep me hooked. So, I hope that wasn’t the case with you, but please stick to no contact. They don’t have anything to give you if they still have a wife (whether in the throws of divorce or not) She is still in his life, and you will always come second.
Best of luck as you heal. Things do get better even when it feels like it might not! You deserve a man who is wholly committed to you.,
I can only speak for myself and after finding this site and reflecting on my relationships with others (not only men, but family, friends too) one thing rings true over and over again. It’s like a bad nightmare. I have given the people whom I’ve had relationships with way too many chances to change. I’ve been overly forgiving, and ignored red flags, and have gone back to relationships clearly when I shouldn’t have. I had bad boundaries, thought I could change them by loving them enough for both parties, and the talk too much syndrome.
But I have learned so much, and now am working hard on building self esteem, setting boundaries, and to stop being overly compassionate which causes me to take on problems of others.
The last EUM was the final straw for me. I finally said I’ve had enough and so began my mission for figuring out why I gravitate towards horrible men, and friends who use me, to people who act one way when they want something and another when they want nothing to do with me. It’s hurt me so much inside, and now I’ve realized how I can make it stop once and for all. I’ve gone NC with all my EUM’s, crappy friends, and even a few relatives. THe strange thing is now these people won’t leave me alone. They are constantly trying to get my attention and begging for my friendship. But it’s too late for them, I’ve moved past them now.
I’m still in recovery, and still trying to forgive myself above all other things. I’m grieving the losses like I should have been and it’s getting better every single day. Because as one dear friend of mine told me so long ago, “it’s better to be alone than with someone who makes you lonely”. I didn’t get it then, but she’s right and onward and upward. All I can say to those who are just beginning NC and trying to stop obsessing. Just keep stepping through it, just keep working on yourself, your life and your self esteem and setting boundaries. All this stuff works eventually, but it doesn’t happen over night. Shed the old ways and begin anew. It’s well worth the journey.
Many thanks to NML and all those who post here!
Excellent post. I recently broke up with – once again- the assclown that has been in my life for 2.5 years. This time though I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “The only person who consistently disappoints me in my personal life is …. Me”. I am the one who allowes his poor behaviour time after time after time from the same person. HE IS – WHO HE IS and that is not going to change. I asked myself “Did I really think it would be different this time?” He is still the same ass he was 4 months ago why would I expect a different outcome? It is like taking the same route to work every day only to get into a wreck every single time. Finally you have to say… Gee I really need to investigate a different route.
Gigi -could of written your post myself!!! so sad to realise (2.5 years for me too) that the person doing this too me – is me!!! insanity is classified as doing the same thing over & over and expecting a different result!! the amount of times I have gone back to my ex eum expecting things to be different is a joke – for him anyway, not so funny for me actually. doing nc yet again & determind to stick to it this time, there is only so many times you can kid yourself.
Thank you for this post…. So many times I think ooo will he contact me how will it be if he does?? and then when things are bad and I’m feeling down or even when things are going well I think oooo will I contact him now?? But now I know I must tell myself he has not changed one iota whatever the contact goes he will be the same assclown he always was but I was blind and deaf to seeing and if I didn’t really deep down think this then there would be no purpose to or indeed any reason as to why I started no contact in the first place… I do know going back will equal the same result him with a stroked ego and me feeling dejected and down on myself ..
Nibbie and Lisa: The mere fact that the ink is dry on the divorce and custody/alimony decrees is not necessarily dispositive — and I have personal, painful knowledge of this.
I began dating my EUM about 10 months after these papers were finalized. We were great for about 50 days — then, sadly, issues regarding the ex, the children, the ex hooking up with, and moving into the home of, another man, the former marital domicile, etc. arose. As a result, my EUM went totally EU. While we have maintained sporadic e-mail communication as of late, I have not seen him for 12 weeks. I understand and acknowledge that the above are weighty issues. But, it’s too depressing waiting around for him to sort them out while he absents himself from my life because he is apparently too depressed to climb out of the cave to be with someone fun, funny, and worthy. I still miss him and what we had, but I don’t see any end to this soon, so I have tried to move on (dating sites — you know how disappointing those can be).
At any rate, the moral of the story seems to be “Dry ink on the decree does not an emotionally person make until/unless most post-divorce issues are sorted out and resolved.”
TRUTH.
I’m a firm believer that exes are exactly that for a reason. A leopard can’t change its spots.
Thanks for posting this entry NML.
Just to add: As Betterwithouthim stated, the same goes for friends and family members. I’ve had to step away from those relationships too.
Purrrrrfect timing to have found this site… I no longer hold on to assclowns, the journey started tonight!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!
Hi All
I need some advice my ex EUM has for the last two nights has called me and withheld his number he does not speak just listens when I say Hello. Once I realise it is him as this his usual trick I have had in the past I just don’t answer.
His current shag (woman) was out on Friday and Sunday night in the same bar as I was inand was looking over at me most of the night with her mobile phone in her hand as if she was texting. (possibly him). I on the other hand was flirting with a gorgeous guy and just saw fit to laugh at her pathetic, childish antics she is 48 and I am 28!!! My ex was not out on Friday and he is nearly always out so I can’t figure out if when he knew she was out why wasn’t he???? Anyway let them get on with it now he is HER problem now.
My question is why has he started to withheld call me, what is he getting out of it, he is not talking or asking me to get back together with him? Is it a control thing? Is he getting some kind of kicks out of knowing what I am doing and getting me to answer the phone?? I am confused?
The Cat
Thank you for this post. my exEUM has also been calling as of late. He says he has changed. He says the past 4 months have been really eye opening for him and he has learned to prioritize, talk about his feelings, etc. and wants to get back together. I have entertained his phone calls and have LISTENED to him…thats all I have done! He talks and talks about all the things hes done wrong, what he has learned, etc etc. He does sound sincere and he does sound like he has changed. The only problem is: My gut is not trusting it 100%; plus, this is not what I wanted at the moment! I jsut want to be single for now. So, I have told him this. I also told him if he really wants to be with me, then he will respect my wishes and we will find our way back to each other in time. In the meantime, I am doing my own thing and practicing non-attachment (yoga…)!
Thecat,
You have to trust your instincts, I think re-read your mail and see that in fact you do know what’s going on. This is crazy drama he is keeping you in and it will affect your health and your spirit and your self esteem. He is so not worth it. If he is doing this then he is stalking you which is a crime, and if it is stalking then is it a MAJOR psychological illness he has, which in turns makes him a dangerous man. Take the focus off him and however many other women he has in his harem, and put it back on yourself. Get safe. he will do this to all his women if this is his pattern. I beleive it is as you say a control thing and yes he does get a sick pleasure out of it…Eeeew, creepy!
nevergoingbackthereagain, realizing the insanity of my relationship was one of those light bulb moments. And when the light bulb went on there was no more pain. The only person I had to be angry with was me — for letting it happen once again. We hear the words doing the same thing brings the same result but we never really understand until one day we have had enough. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and hurt and disappointed. I now realize how much control I have over all of that. What we put ourselves through is ridiculous. Just make it go away….You have the power to.
Brad K.,
You are totally right. And I don’t have a year or three to wait.
It still hurts, though.
Although I realize and understand AND accept that getting back with an ex, in general, would go down south for the reason that most people (and especially Mr. Unavailables/Assclowns) don’t change, would anyone be able to tell me about or write a post about those moments when two people meet, have a terrible experience, go their separate ways and then both reunite along some other path both changed for the better from the inside out by virtue of their own desire?
Thecat~ I agree with De. THis is some crazy drama and you get to make the choice now to step out of the DRAMA box. I myself just the other night received a voicemail from a EUM. He was drunk and his voicemail said something about just wanting to hear my voice, hope I’m doing OK. The usual EUM bull crap.
These assclowns don’t get it, they are oblivious to your feelings, and oblivious about giving you the freedom to move on and have a life of your own. It’s all about THEM.
TheCat – remain NC don’t get pulled back in – you deserve better.
I believe that people can change, just the same as you. However, they need to recognize that something is not working out in their lives, and then desire to change, and put in the work to change. But no one should wait around for them to do it.
They have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..Love Is In the Air – Lovebugs
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I agree they have to be sick and tired or being sick and tired.
I have known this man for 10 years, we like each other blah, blah, blah. He talks about having a family, but thats where is stops. He is so afraid to get involved, but when he sees me with another fella then he call and calls and calls, but I know that he is unavailalbe.
I went last year with 90 days not contact. hey what does it mean when they call and they dont even leave a message?
The reason webbie he didn’t even bother to leave a message is that he wanted you to be curious enough to call him back so that in some sick way you’re seeking him out too.
My XEUM is a serial online dater, extremely promiscuous and a lying cheat. Nonetheless, I think about him often and about the 27 year old that he was texting while we were on vacation and sending pictures of our vacation. She is a woman he works with…one of many in his harem, all of whom are supposedly “friends.” Because of her age (27) vs. his (48), I don’t know whether they were truly involved or whether he was just “hopeful.” I also do not know whether it turned into anything as we broke up 3 months ago and I am proud to say, I have maintained no contact for the entire time; although, I have been weak, desperately wanting to reach out to him, but I haven’t!
When we first broke up, all I could dwell on was what was wrong with me…why didn’t he want me….what does she have that I don’t….what could he possibly have in common with a girl young enough to be his daughter? Over time I have come to realize it wasn’t me, it was him. This morning, I was thinking about this article, the one about Exhaling and the one about Why Her and Not Me? In the Exhaling article, Natalie observes that these guys operate on a “need to know basis” – they only let you in on that much of their life or aspects of their life that they want you to know and you are completely cut off from and kept in the dark about the rest. Suddenly, I had that “aha” moment…..Little Miss 27 year old is/was (if she’s still around) in exactly the same position I was in – He only told her what he wanted her to know – he told her he was going skiing because he had to explain his not being at work and on vacation, I think he also wanted to impress her that he was going skiing, but I am quite sure she didn’t know he went skiing with his “girlfriend.” I am quite sure he also hasn’t told her he is active on 2 online dating sites and several adult sex sites looking for “discreet relationships and casual sex.” Just to name a few things I’m sure he also hasn’t told her: the extensive porn on his computer, his secret crush on another co-worker who just wants to be friends, that he is not as well-off as he portrays himself, that he does not have a college education like he tells people or that he’s an Amway salesman! (YES, that part is absolutely true)! So, there you have it….she doesn’t have anything I don’t have. In fact, she has everything I had – the rollercoaster ride, the lying, the cheating, everything XEUM has to offer in the way of aberrant behavior! AND, she is/was being kept on “need to know” status just as much as I was. Most importantly, she also has the heartache and pain that comes with this guy. Then, I asked myself why would I want to go back to that and, then, realized that I have something she DOESN’T have – peace and dignity and a sense of self esteem that is growing day by day.
Judy Judy judy…right on!!!! my life exactly!! 🙂 Thank you!
the need to know thing…I just cut contact with one who I had cut contact with last year, started emailing me again. I did find out he had a girlfriend, information he kept from me for a year! I lived with the emails for the past three months, enjoying them in a ‘going back to the past kind of way’, tried to figure out ‘what he wanted with me, why he wanted it and if ever when! I realized that all I was doing was in fact thinking about him in this way AGAIN. so I sent him a mail saying I could not fdo this any more, I was afraid of him and old wounds were being opened and I didn’t like how I was feeling, I was re-living horrid moments so wanted to stop emailing. He wrote back saying, ‘Oh this never ending story, when will you realize I have a girlfriend”. What a cruel man. I cried but realized this message was becuase I had called it quits and he didn’t like it so he had to put the knife in one last time. What a waste of my time and energy, and what a f… a hole. I hate him, I mean I really do, he never deserved my time. I just hope he’s doing the same thing to his beloved new gf. I know thats mean but feeling laid flat, it’s the only satisfaction I can get.
get this one. my person i had been seeing for the past 10 months just moved yesterday across the country to live with a past female acquatintance. the planning had apparently going on behind my back. so…we went out to dinner 2 nights ago(night before he left) – he said if i get lonely in the next month or two would it be ok to call you – as a friend. um…what is wrong with these people. i am just glad i am not this girl he is moving in with. i read a letter she had written him about 3 years ago saying he deserves to be treated like a king & she is capable of that with him. seriously……
what i think we are forgetting – when they are contacting us & living with or dating another they in a sense – or not even in a sense – they are cheating or betraying the person they are with. speaks volumes. why would we want them anyway – there enlies the question…..or the problem.
Betterwithouthim
Liked your post about avoiding toxic relationships no matter if they are romantic, platonic or family. Recently I thought I had a chance to widen my circle of friends with a male who seemed friendly and helpful then inexplicably he stopped all contact. After having an email ignored I decided not to make contact and to leave it at that.
Two and a half months later he calls me out of the blue and leaves a message on my cell, drunk dialling I believe it’s called, to see how I was. I was pissed off that’s how I was. I waited a couple days and called and he was very attentive but I was very cool and when he commented on my coolness I said that I had taken his silence to mean that perhaps he heard I was a child molester or something in a similar vein.
Everything seemed OK and I had a query with work that he was able to help me with and in return I was able to do him a favour but then the ignoring started again. Can’t make this person out and think perhaps he likes to have a number of female friends for ego gratification that he can contact when he feels like it.
Should he call again there will only be two questions for him “Do you regard me as some kind of social mercy shag?” “Are you some kind of misanthrope?” before he is hung up on forever.
Ladies don’t let anyone pick you up and put you down any old time they feel like whether it’s romantic, platonic or family – reciprocity has to be one of the most basic building blocks in any relationship.
Ok, so for the last three or four years this guy has been calling me and not leaving me a message sometimes I just ignore it or sometimes I call him back. I just told him a year ago that I have caller ID. What’s up with him? He told me that he wants a relationship? I met him on the tennis court and have known him ever since about 9 years on/off. I have dated others in the meantime. He still says he wants something but does not do anything. In the beginning when i first met him we were a little bit physical, now were friends but I still hold a torch for him in a way? I did 90 day no contact last year and he called like crazy but nothing changes when I go back to see him. Should I do the 90 day no contact again?
Webbie
Forget the 90 day no contact – make it permanent, he’s just toying with you and knows it works because no matter how small the morsel he tosses you he can get really good mileage out of it.
I’ve found that the best way to get over someone that you have romantic feelings for is to really hone in on their weaknesses and all the things you don’t like about them – keep a list if you have to.
Any time you find yourself day dreaming about a guy stop the positive thought train straight away and assasinate his character in your mind using your list.
Thank you NML!
I finally decided to finish with my EUM, as he is not going to change ever, all the same cr@p…WHAT the point to carry on? I texted him: “I dont want to see you only for half an hour, no point to meet up at all, good bye” and he got a “message” and left me alone, I hope he will never contacts me again!!!
Alika, block his number. It might seem harsh, but You’ll thank yourself. It saves you from having to wonder if he’ll try to contact you. You can just relax and get on with the healing, moving forward.
thanks for the reply snook:
Ok, so should I block my number? What do they hear on the other end? if they can no longer get through? the problem is most of my friends hang out where he is so it is kind of hard to stay away, but I know I can go other places
webbie
Not being harsh but why should you give a damn about what he hears – I hope the silence, beeps or whatever ring for him. It will be nice for him to feel it right in the solar plexus for a change, to feel to acid sting of rejection. You’ll be making a clean break with him and doing the honourable thing by having no contact.
If he hangs out where your friends do suggest some new places to go where he is unlikely to be. In the unhappy event that you do bump into him be very cool and reserved and don’t offer any olive branches or put out any friendly feelers at all. This will be hard to do at first especially if he knows how to turn on the charm, but remember he can turn it off just as quickly.
If you have a good straight up friend ask for her support at this time to remind you of all the shocking treatment you have received from this creep. This may help to fill you with piss and vinegar and maybe even a twinge of vengeful feelings to realise that he really is the enemy.
You deserve better and can do better – always remember that – you are fabulous and he isn’t.
I once read a quote by Cher and know you weren’t married to this guy (thank heavens!) but might sum up the anguish you’ve been experiencing:
Women get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.
Great comments Snook, want to print them up and put them on my door to ward off the vampires 🙂
Yah…piss and vinegar teee heee
Elizabeth, I keep reading what happened to you and cannot believe we for one second give these people any kind of credit, amazing story. Hope you are doing ok, and I truly hope you are laughing.
May we all remember how lovable we are, (and hold that thought!) what love truly is (hold that thought) and may we put the bakes on (with piss and vinegar 🙂 when anyone who offers us any less than love comes upon our path. As NML says kick them to the curb!
Strength.
yes snook it’s good to hear the truth. I could always frequent another place to play tennis, it’s just that I used to play with him in this activity, but why should I let him enjoy himself………………………….
I know your right thanks for the pushhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually I got on a dating site and got a tennis date in one day with a single available guy he left me his phone number I just have to follow through and call him to meet him !!!!!!!
Hi Everyone…I’m having a tough time this weekend. Had phone contact with the exEUM and now I’m hurting. There is never a way to win with these kind of men…I have to learn if I play with fire I will get burned. They do not operate like normal, caring people…and to expect that they do is delusional. I have to cut contact for good and that is hard to do…those crumbs he throws at me will never be good enough and I don’t want to be one of his harem…I was in the dark in the beginning, but now that I know more why would I still want him? What is wrong with me? Why do I still want him to want me? I have to work on my self esteem….any help appreciated.
Hi finally see the light,
Hang in there i know how you feel. I have been around mine for 10 years, and I know that I deserve better. Even though I have had other men in my life that were nice guys I choose to Sabotage those relationships. I am reading this book called he scared she’s scared and it talks about women who choose unavailable men and usually women those women are unavailable themselves. We already know that they will never return our love, but we are still expecting them too !! ITS CRAZY. uNTIL WE DECIDE THAT WE TRULY WANT SOMEONE TO SHOW UP FOR US WE WILL KEEP ATTRACTING THESE ASSCLOWNS ~ Can you be a support system for me? I am currently on two websites and I have had some men asked me out on dates I just have to follow through. Well, tomorrow will be 7 days no contact. Please keep me poster anytime you would like to write.
I’ve been reading this blog for a couple of weeks, and I can’t tell you how much peace it has given me. I have been driving myself crazy, obsessing about this guy. No one seems to understand how painful it is (except for the people on this blog!). We went out for six months and…
-He never called (only e-mailed)
-He saw me only on his terms (he didn’t accept one of my invitations)
-He didn’t introduce me to his friends or family
-After a Saturday night “date”, he would never spend a full Sunday with me (it was clear that by noon, it was time for me to leave)
-He didn’t seem to want to hang out during the day, only at night when we could have sex
-He was obsessed about his ex-wife, and he talked negatively about her
-The last time we went out to dinner, he stared at a woman and told me “I like beautiful women in tight pants.”
Writing it out makes it seem so obvious–this guy is seriously EU. I broke up with him, and we have e-mailed each other a few times. The last one was an angry e-mail from me after he refused to take responsibility for the situation.
The question is, why am I still focused on HIM, what HE thinks of me now. Thanks to all of you for your inspiration in helping me overcome my self-destructive behavior. I can’t live like this anymore.
wow.. never heard stuff like
“Suffer with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome – overdiscussing and overthinking the relationship so that we can mask inaction” and
“Love for the two of you”… its great!!!!
‘Why do I still want him to want me?’
Finallyseenthelight – I too struggle with this one. After deciding to end things with my EUM I managed to avoid him for a month, but desperately wanted him to at least try to contact me, just to show he still wanted me. When he did I couldn’t resist one last time with him telling myself that this would end things on a good note.
Of course now he’s panicking at losing his supply (even though he’s got another woman in tow) and is really turning on the charm, and though its clear what is going on, I know he’s not capable of being anything other than a EUM, I don’t really want things to stop. I have EU tendencies too.
Madness I know, ceasing all contact is the only way to break their spell. One day maybe I’ll manage. Good luck to all who have.
I am alway’s on the look out for the answer to our questions and rather than finding one, I find loads, most of them here 🙂 but I did read something a couple of days ago in a book I’m reading and in someways it helped with the situation of why..why not me..why is he so… you know all those questions.
So this is what I read, liked it and I hope it’s ok to share, it gave me some peace of mind, it really did 🙂 this is what the book told me.
As children we love stories, we want the same story over and over again and we ask ‘what happens next?, then what happened?, and how does it end?’. As children we feel safe in the story when we know the story and the ending. This helps children feel safe and secure in their world and environment…they grow up feeling safe. The big bad wolf was killed by the kind woodcutter and the grandma and red riding hood lived happily ever after. The big bad wolf came down the chimney of the three little pigs and was burnt alive and the three little pigs escaped and lived happily ever after and… of course we all know cinderalla. We are taught there are good endings where the good guys win and the bad guys don’t. In our situation we are left hanging, what happens next? do we live happily ever after? does the bad guy get burnt by the one who comes to rescue us, am I the cinderalla in this one? do I get to win in this one…dah!!! Our boundaries of story have been shot to pieces because this story we are living is a new story and we are lost, no one is telling us what the ending is! We are searching high and low for the ending to this horror story. But we aren’t children anymore, no one is going to tell us the ending. It’s time to take responsibility for our own endings. Maybe we each need to write our own ending out for ourselves, I mean god if we wait for these guys to do it for us you know it ain’t never gonna happen!! So my ending goes, “and she very quietly got up and saw him to the door said goodbye for the last time, she smiled and waved as she saw the back of him disappear down the street and closed the door and locked it tight. She was not sorry to see him go, he was a bad man and she was releived he was no longer making her suffer. She made herself a nice cup of tea, put the cat out and sat back with her laptop, logged into to Baggage reclaim to see how her like minded cyber sisters and brothers were doing with their endings and smiled to see some of them were doing fine, and she worried for some others and loved the new insights from NML. The end. Oh!! epilogue!!, there is always an epilogue. One day he called to see how she was doing, she felt the prick of tension again, and breathed in and out remembering the old feeling and the fear, she answered…. with all of her dignity in tact!… lovely to hear from you, I have a husband (ok she made it up or maybe not, this is a fairytale afterall, and hey when did he ever tell the truth!) and I’m very happy thank you, goodbye”, she put the reciever down and siged in relief saying, whew thank god I got rid of that one!. The end!!!
NML I hope you don’t mind me going off track a bit here and writing this, Apologies if I’ve broken any rules.
peace and light.
De
De, thank you for your tip. I am going to try that. Writing my own ending. I´ll try anything that might help me get this man out of my head.
De- This is exactly what I have difficulty with–creating a life–and ending, and also a beginning and middle–despite a deep feeling of loneliness without being able to share my life with someone. Perhaps I could turn that desire to nurture and love toward myself, my friends, my causes and my creative work. Wouldn’t that be amazing. I think I may try it 🙂
This is a great post. I’m happy to say that after breaking up with a guy I was seeing for a short time, but had grown quite attached to, I was able to reject his attempt to come back in my life as just “a friend for now” and lay out my expectations of what I wanted. I told him not to come back again until he’s sorted out the things that was keeping our relationship from growing. I never could have done that without NML’s posts and all of the great advice from others on this site.
Regarding phone contact: When I am contacted by an EUM, I’m no longer tempted to answer because I always wonder, why would you try to call me and be friends with me now, when you treated me like crap during the relationship and didn’t return calls when I wanted you to? You weren’t my friend then, so why now? It actually has nothing to do with me, it’s because they’re having a lonely desperate moment (gee, like the hundreds they caused when I was with them) That’s enough to stop me from picking up the phone.
I’ve also noticed a pattern, when you are unresponsive, they get desperate and start leaving cryptic messages, just to get you to call, or they hang up with no message. Instead of being intensely curious, like they want you to be, I started treating them like I would a friend who did that. I finally realized that if something were really important, the person would tell you what it was in the message, my real friends and family do. They give you a choice to call back, they don’t try to tempt you with sparse information. I thought it was a strange coincidence that my two EUMs (who were nothing alike and EUMs in totally different ways) called within days of each other with the same line about it being “urgent” and having important news for me and that I should call back. I instantly saw that it was just a ploy and that they were seeing if they could still get my attention. I totally ignored one and the next time the other one called I told him never to call me again and that we were never friends and wouldn’t be now. He was shocked and I hung up the phone with a huge smile on my face.
Hello All
Well after another weekend full of withheld number calls I am still going crazy and have resigned myself to the fact I now HAVE to go no contact!
I never went out Friday night and my ex EUM can’t of either as most of the day Saturday I got withheld calls the majority of them I left unanswered. This is to find out if I have another man at my house he must have been going mad when I did not answer them. Two friends of mine came to visit on Saturday and the calls started and we did have a bit of fun with it and it made me smile!! and Laugh. We left the phone on speaker and remained quite for a while and then one of my friends blew a rasberry ( a fart like noise) we all exploded into a fit of laughter and he put the phone down. I know I shouldn’t have anwered it and it was drama seeking but I wanted him to know that I find it funny and pathetic these calls now!
Saturday from tea time guess what no calls he was out with his friends and probably stopped off late on to have a (ego stroke / shag) with the other woman who obviously puts up with his shit more than I do. I do not want to be a Friday or Saturday night shag now or to be seen on his terms during the week. In a way I am glad I am not that woman who is putting up with the crumbs he is giving. Maybe she is quite willing to accept that I was not. I want a healthy relationship with a man who wants to be with me spend time with me and who I can call and get hold of!!!! Not to check up on him but to ask him if he wants to do something on an evening other than come around late on for a shag!
Sorry for the rant!
I also went out last night and saw the other woman again and I have to say I really can not see what he see’s in her compared to me. I am in way jelous as she is a complete opposite older, shorter, fatter, blonde, unfashionable. But her with these guys any hols a goal so she must be easier to maniplulate and believes his lies!!! I feel sorry for her and hope she wakes up sooner rather than later! It took me a year and a half of on again off again. Going to back and then realising nothing had changed.
I want to open myself up to healthy relationships with normal men!!!
God is there any out there??? lol
The cat
A few mistakes in that comment.
I am not jelous of her and like I say with these guys all the time any holes a goal. (if you get the metaphore) hahaha.
The Cat
thats the spirit cat..good stuff laughing at him!, proud of you, keep your friends around they are on your side!!
I cannot post at work, so I prepared the following post planning to post it here tonight. Later in the day, I learned his profile is hidden on the OLD site on which we met, which likely means he is “in a relationship” with someone. Given that, I modified my post a bit to reflect this turn of events.
There are times when, ever hopeful, I want to contact XEUM, optimistically thinking it will spark something in him and he will want me back. When these moments come upon me, I think about what will happen if I give in to my urges. Reason takes over and I force myself to acknowledge that, even if he were “nice†to me when I called, it would likely be a “polite†niceness with him thinking in his mind, “Oh, God, I thought I was rid of her.†OR, “Man, she’s apin in the neck, hasn’t she figured out I’m not interested?” OR, knowing him as I do, be might also very well think,†Cool, I knew she’d come around…now I can have a come and go, get the sex I want from her because, after all, she was a great lay, and she’ll accept it because she wants me in her life SOOOO badly. Now I just have to figure out how to do her without my new girl finding out.”
Even if he did truly regret our breakup and did want me back in his life, what would that mean for me? In other words, “What’s in it for me?†Even more so, to help me stop the “why her and not me’s,” what’s the new girl in for? Then, I go through my list:
1. The rollercoaster of never knowing when I would hear from him – it could be 10 times in one day or not at all for 4 or 5 days.
2. A relationship that takes place primarily via text with him sending texts (very often, sexual in nature) and me responding. If I try to initiate contact via phone or text, he may or may not answer.
3. A relationship in which my time, wants, desires, interests and needs were never considered. We would see each other when it is convenient for him without regard to whether it was convenient for me. We would only eat where he wants to eat. We would only go where he wants to go. He would never show any interest in my son, my job, my accomplishments, things I want to do.
4. I would be expected to fall on his every word, listening to his problems, his successes, his life – it will be all about him and never once would he ask anything about me.
5. I would have no certainty about plans until the last minute.
6. The knowledge that I would never the “the one,†but always one of many. I would have to accept and tolerate his female “friends,†never knowing whether he was sleeping with them or trying to sleep with them.
7. A possible sex addict and the knowledge that he frequents online sex sites, including casual sex sites and that indicates are he engages in very risky sexual behaviors which would then create the need for me to regularly be tested for STD’s.
8. Demeaning comments that are masked as teasing or overt, including being called a “whore†while having sex.
9. Never being allowed to question anything about the relationship, his feelings for me or his actions.
10. Only being “admitted†to certain parts of his life and totally and completely excluded from others to the point of not even knowing about them.
11. Someone who, over time, will not pay his fair share when we do things; especially, when we go on vacation.
12. Someone who wasn’t accepting of our educational and career differences or my successes/accomplishments.
13. A man who has great ideas and plans but doesn’t follow through on them.
14. Lies.
15. A bunch of odd quirks like his OC about organization, sleeping sideways on the bed between two sleeping bags instead of up and down between the sheets.
16. Immaturity and lack of professionalism.
17. A bad role model for my son.
18. A lonely relationship even when he is “in it.â€
Jude,
I loved your comment,it seems that we were dating the same guy! I am so glad that I rid of my EUM, I dont even miss him and certanly I dont want him back…TIME to start a new chapter in my life:-)
Hello Judy
Almost everything on your list is my Ex EUM to a tea!
I actually took is mobile phone out of his pocket one night and took it downstairs and looked at the texts he had texts from an ex of 7 years ago to whom he has a child she replied in a very sexual nature. He obviously had wanted to go around for sex even after that I checked his phone and found another three womens names! He even checked his phone once when he was in bed with me and had a text off a woman called Hilary. I stupidly considered myself as his girlfriend as he was coming to mine after nights out for a period of three weeks in March. I now realise that this woman must have been wanting more from him so he was keeping her on ice and thus why he was using me and coming around mine instead. I stupidly thought that he enjoyed the sex with me and that I was more desirable to him!!!
I by a process of elimination found out who this woman was and outed him to her to which she said she would not text him anymore. He then cut me out completely and continued to pursue this other woman as he was not happy that I had busted his game!!! All via text messages I may add I even seen her texting him in a pub I was in!!! She must be a bit more malleable than me and easier to manipulate as I have had a year and half of this and she only 4 months. So he now daren’t ring or text me for fear of me showing her and ruining a potential shag. He is withheld calling me instead!!!! I had 6 calls last night alone! I can’t work out why he is doing this though??
I have to write a list of all the things he did that were red flags, put downs, stand up, not contacting me back, calling me names, you name it I have had the worst shit with this man.
However in my head I am still thinking ‘ why her and not me’??? Strange I somehow think that him withheld calling is his way of showing me he wants me when it isn’t it’s to keep me there should he need me.
I need to stop this VICIOUS cycle once and for all and just change me number.
Tha cat
Jude we were with the same man I’m sure (except I live abroad so maybe not). Your list is my relationship too.
I’m struggling to stop this though it’s not proving easy.Anyone who is like your list describes is a waste of time, we know this, walking away is really difficult though.
Well done for doing it. I’m slowly pulling back but it’s very bit by bit. I tried the ‘never speak again’ tactic but it was so artificial in the tiny community where we we both live that it just didn’t work.So now I avoid speaking to him as much as I can, I’d like my feelings to catch up with my head, seems to be taking forever but I’m sure it will get there.
Anyway thanks again for the list, unfortunately it is exactly how it is with an EUM.
sadthing’s last blog post..Is it love? Or is it fear, drama and pain?
sadthing & judy – look up narcissim. you will have an answer to your questions. my eum sounds just like yours. its creepy creepy stuff. mine just moved across the country to live with another woman – he professes not to love & wants to make sure if he gets lonely in a couple months can he call me. NARCISSIM – look it up. they can’t love & they cannot be faithful – there is NEVER enough attention. they are mentally ill. seriously – it might make you feel better. IT IS NOT YOU.
Hi Elizabeth, yes it’s narcissism alright and I think most EUM’s have is to some degree – well we all have a bit of it but not to the point where we really don’t/can’t care about how anyone else feels. That’s what true narcissists are like.
What’s interesting is why we are attracted to and then put up with this behaviour for far too long. I think that most of the posts on this blog are saying that they are what they are, we could spend the next decade trying to understand why they are like this (certainly I could) but it won’t make a blind bit of difference. The key is to look at ourselves and tackle whatever issues we may have.
Otherwise we’ll keep repeating the behaviour and/or going back to the ex.My problem is that I know what’s going on and still go back, without expectations and each time on a much reduced level,but I’m still reluctant to give him up completely for reasons that I still don’t fully understand. Anyway understanding is key to moving forward, so thanks to NML for this site.
sadthing’s last blog post..The No Contact Rule Web Seminars
sadthing – hi. i know what you are saying. with the help of a great therapist & reading incessantly about narcissim – i feel MUCH MUCH better. however, if he wouldn’t have moved 1,000 miles away – i am sure this would be much more difficult. i cry a lot & miss him very much. BUT, when i remember he is going to treat every woman this way it makes me feel better(selfish of me – but true). i still want him to call so i can ignore him – however, i bet i would pick up the phone. so…don’t beat yourself up. wishing you strength & peace.
Actually Jude can we add this one to your list?
Will always refer to and measure your ‘love’ for them by the amount of money you spend on them or gifts you give to them. Meanwhile they give or buy you almost nothing.
um…i have a question. he never gave me a card in a years time. did give me a christmas present. forgot valentines day – um…right. my question – he would hold my hand for about 30 seconds at a time – then let it go – this went on for the entire relationship.
Sadthing, you can add whatever you want to the list! In my instance, he didn’t measure my “love” because that NEVER came up with him – the “L” word, gosh no! Although, I will say with the exception of Christmas and the birthday present he gave my son ($25 gift card) the gifts he gave me were all freebies he took from his work and gave me – how romantic, huh? AND, the Christmas gift – a $200 VISA gift card. He also gave my son a $100 gift card. Why do I mention this? Because combine all the gift cards together and it equals $325. That is significant because he admires something I had and I told him if he was good, Santa might bring him one for Christmas. Guess how much it costs?????? $325! (Joke was on him, though, because I didn’t buy him one – spent MUCH less than that)!
Silenced Sister May 5th, 2009, 7:11 am
Well I have been reading this for sometime now and this site has helped me to get over the EUMM, I was with. It was a heady tumultuous relationship that lasted just over one year. I fell for him deep. It was disastorous for my mental health and overall sanity. I learned a lot about him as fate would have it but did it make me run the opposite direction? Noooooo I stayed and argued. He lied so much to me. He was/is a upright man seemingly religious man in the community who is always being awarded, yet he manages to make dirty calls to the homes of women in the middle of the night, and come 7am resume his normal routine. I am healing….so long as he leaves me alone and doesnt contact me. He cursed me out via text using some choice profanities, this was a day after telling me I was the best thing since sliced bread, told me to go where the sun doesnt shine, I replied in kind…but for the first time I didnt go home and bury myself in pity. Instead I continued my routine instead of letting him mess up my day. That’s when I knew he no longer held any power over me. By the end of the day and the following day he proceeded to blow my phone up as well as send texts. All of which I promptly ignored. I know now that he is a confused insecure little creep. And while I have flirted with the idea of revenge letting his wife know anonymoysly what a dangerous creep he is. However when I let the moment pass, I remind myself that vengance is not mine and time heals and sorts all things. I dont have the time to go into all the details here, but for those of us who know that we are more than we settled for, be encouraged, this too shall pass.
Be Blessed All.
5/24/09
I am re-posting this, because after four weeks of perfect NC, the exEUMM turned up at my job under the guise of stopping by to see someone else, I walked right by him. He proceeded to text, email and use guilt to make me believe I was being unrighteous by holding onto bitterness. Resolved in my being that this was and is the end, I ignored all appeals.
The following day or so I received flowers (they were lovely) from him. He had claimed in his emails that he wanted me to review something for him and was inviting me to hear him speak, up until the flowers I ignored him. I sent him a quick thank you for the flowers and told him I wouldnt be attending his event. That was it. Later on in the evening I slipped somewhat and sent a text saying how nice the flowers were…..but I held on. His response was to equate the flowers with me. I ignored the text, and went back to my NC.
He then proceeded to send a myriad of text messages blowing hot and cold, all of which I ignored. With each one ignored I became stronger in my resolve of no more BS etc etc etc. He began to push to the max by saying HE forgave me for all the things I had said or done to hurt him…. I held on even tighter. I couldnt believe when I saw him again at another venue I ignored him and went to my car. He texted, then called and then left vmail telling me how petty I was, but he still loved me. I got nervous but held on. I do not hate him not in the least and wanted to tell him that but I didn’t engage. It was no longer about him, I’m about saving myself. He said he hoped I got over whatever issues I was struggling with, his soul was free.
Then he texted to tell me how much he loved me and missed me so very much. The following day, he texted me about not understanding how much pain I was in, and offered to make amends, by suggesting we do all the things I like to do. I had to respond. I told him that far from it I was in no pain and was on my way to a wonderful evening out. He got crazy over the next 12 or so hours. I upped my reading of this site as I began to weaken and almost sent a text agreeing to meet up with him…but I remembered the old adage, been there done that. So finally after my ignoring his every possible plea knowing that he wasnt about really changing the staus quo, he sent me a text telling me he’s released me and he has exited me out of his life. A month or more ago I would have responded and begun to engage him, by now. I would have gotten upset, been crying and screaming and full of drama, as he knew my buttons. And all the texts about releasing, freeing me etc., would normally have gotten a response, for in the same text he was acknowledging that I had moved on, so I would have responded to the contradictions with my own version of the truth.
Recently he tried to push every button but I have remained strong. He has a wife and someone else anyway that is not even worth my going into, more power to all of them. As for me and my sanity, I cherish us and have learned to place me as number one.
So I say all of this to encourage the women who post here. When all is said and done it is not about the man it is about you. I have had to admit some hard truths about myself. Yes do I miss him, hell yes I do because when we got along it was awesome, I almost almost broke down and texted him that yesterday telling him that. But his ‘demons’ are much bigger than me, and as a song says, “I’m stronger, I’m wiser, I’m better, so much better,”, so I refrained from getting caught up in the emotions which equates with drama, and kept still. I know that in stillness much wisdom is learned and gained.
I have some committment issues, and self esteem ones also, so he was an ego boost, but as so many women on this site have attested to, the attention given to women by these men is self serving it’s for them, about them and NEVER about you. You are merely a player in their play of life, and your role changes based on their need for attention.
I am now so not concerned with his issues, but am on the road to healing me, for God knows I too was not well. I dont have all the answers, but I do know that if we want it bad enough, be it the detachment, the breakup, no more drama, the healthy relationship, whatever it is, then what we desire and believe will manifest. Where I am today, I envisioned a long time ago, it took me stumbling and falling, getting up, tryin to be strong, breaking down, feeling I was losing my mind, happy he was noticing me, giving me the crumbs of his attention, hating myself for being so weak, begging him to talk to me, listening to him tell me that he was/is a man on a mission and to be with him is difficult and could I hang; of course I had to prove I was able to hang alright by becoming almost suicidal (LOL). Crying my heart heart out when he nonchalantly would look at me and laugh at my efforts to seduce him, tell me I didnt have what it takes. Being cold towards me, rejecting me, ordering me around as if I were his slave; I could go on; but my joy is in knowing that I have redeemed myself, so when he tells me he misses making love to me or whatever crap he chooses to say, I smile and delete.
But you know the red flags were there (they always are). When we first began talking he told me how he had thrown (told her to get out) a woman he was having an affair with, out of his car in the middle of the night and had her walk home because she had upset him, and he wanted to break it off with her so if he acted badly enough she would eventually leave, hence his actions. I was appalled but not appalled enough clearly, for of course the fact that he was talking about how bad he felt about what he had done meant that such actions were in the past. I have since learnt that the same mindset that allowed him to do that to her, came from the same place that allowed him to curse me out call me all kind of derogatory names, mean and ugly ways he acted towards me etc., in an attempt to “push me away”.
I read a long time ago that “People will always show and tell you who they are. And when they do BELIEVE them” – Iyanla Vanzant.
I hope this helps and encourages someone. Stay strong, this too shall pass.
Be Blessed
Well, thank you for all your posts. It really helps.
I have been there, of course, twice. Involved with the Unavailable men. I wonder if we are the one that attracts these people or they are all the same and there’s not hope for us. This particular time, different man, and 7 years later, I saw the signs with in three weeks into the relationship and I broke it off. Trust me, the chemistry was intense, very hard thing to do, after all these years of not getting any love or luv from anyone, so I feel very proud,…. but I did send him an e mail today, very nice, very polite, not needy, but telling him in few words I would have love to continue seeing him. Which he probably will not answer to it, I am hoping, but if he does, if for any reason I would go back there, trust me, he will not hurt me. I learned how difficult is for a heart to heal and your mind to be funtionable again.. I feel I am capable of being just as aloof as they are or more, so in a way, I wish he will call.
In any case, ladies, we have to be so very careful out there, and I am thinking, the only way to stop this madness it is to be going back to our grand mother’s time, where they will not get a piece of us, until they put a ring in our fingers, sing the document and of course, not prenuptial.
In a lighter note, I wonder what sign of the zodiac these men are, were.I know which ones were my guys, but I am afraid we may not be allow to talk about that in this blog.
Take care, and please stay away from people that do not love us. Only if, you have the same kind of ammunition they posses, even if is just imaginary, because that is the only thing they understand.
Before I go to bed, if you ladies find out if we can publish the zodiac sign of these men, let’s do it, maybe we are into something…
Also, remember, solitude for few years, or for a little while, is very good for you. I did it and I have learned a lot about myself and others.
Take care.
I was wondering,why the EUM usualy turn things sexualy? Like for example my ex would text me just about sex subjects,I dont understand why he couldnt use it for sweet things or to talk about our days for example.It seems that to them love is equal sex.
i think I am really over my EUM this time. Lately we have had some contact (he asked me to go on vacation with him, its somewhere in the posts above). It was all pretty civil and he soon got the message that I didn´t accept sextalk any more. Now he is behaving very “normal”. Interested in me, contacting me during the day instead of at night, not hinting at sex anymore. But I don´t care anymore. He texted me a couple of days ago asking me how a meeting went and I haven´t responded yet and I feel no inclination to do so. Even if he magically turned available (which I don´t believe!) I wouldn´t want him. And that is because I heard this ABC theory from a friend:
A good relationship has 3 components:
A. Affection (chemistry, physical compatibility, cuddling, holding hands in publicetc.)
B. Babble (talking, having fun, able to laugh together, discuss, not get bored with eachother mentally etc.)
C. Caring (commitment, be considerate of eachother, call when you get home late, cook when you´re partner is tired from work etc.)
And I realized that all I really had with my EUM was a very high level of A , a lot less of B and no C. Even if we could manage a lot of C we still wouldn´t have enough B. So this made it pretty clear for me. Hope it can help some of you.
Btw. He is gemini 😉
Anusha~ I have often wondered the same thing. My EUM did this too, even sent me pictures of his privates it was weird. He never texted me to see how I was doing or that he was thinking of me. Well, I guess to some degree he was thinking about me when he sent me those illicit text messages – but not in the way I would have preferred. It was a game and I got horribly taken for a time and then stopped.
I just think it’s because everything revolves around them, our feelings do not matter. So whatever it takes to please themselves they’ll use and subject anyone to get whatever it is they want. If we aren’t on solid ground ourselves, we get sucked into their games and end up getting hurt and feel used and then disguarded like an old newspaper thrown to the trash.
All I know is I’ve been NC for 8 months and there have been hard days, and I felt miserable. But nothing, and I mean nothing made me feel more miserable than craving his attention, getting his attention and then sinking lower than I was before he contacted me. I remember that feeling and do not, will not go back there. He still comes into my thoughts every day, but not like he used to and now I just discard the thought, and keeping moving on.
What he did and said to me is inexcusable. I’ll never forget that, but I can keep moving on, healing, etc and that’s good for me.
Anusha, not meant to be blunt but maybe hejust wants sex..
Betterwithouthim,good you are moving on 🙂 That is the best we can do for us.That is strange right? My ex EUM was like that too,is like sex is the most important thing to them.I realy can relate when you said you would prefer other kind of texts.I would get all kind of sex related texts when I would prefer much more getting a text asking how Im or a sweet one saying he was thinking about me or anything sweet.I guess you are right,probably because is all about them.
betteroff withouthim. you couldn’t have said it better – the craving the attention then getting it then sinking lower than low. i have NC for 11 days – it is very difficult. i would always get some stupid text or see him at last every day or so. of course, he has moved 1000 miles aways to live with another woman(although he says temporary) anyway…..reading that today reminded me – you are absolutely right. what clods!
Other thing I noticed about EUM is that they are almost never avaliable but expect us to be always avaliable for them.Like my ex EUM would take 3 weeks to email me but expect me to email him back in a few days and if I didnt he would be texting or emailing me asking if I had got his email.He wants somebody that is avaliable for him when he fells like being in touch.And if I chase him he just ignore me.And if he doesnt fell like talking to me for 2 weeks that is normal acording to him and I shouldnt complain.Just sit around and wait until he contacts me when he fells like and dont try to contact him when I fell like talking to him.
Truthhurts~Thanks for the ABC’s I liked that!
Also, I found that when you become “indifferent” to them it is in some ways how they were towards us. At least that’s what I think was happening.
It was like the whole time I was with my EUM he was indifferent. It didn’t matter if I texted, emailed or called he usually could have cared less, and then he chose whether or not to respond. And most times he did respond but was evasive, vague or making sure I wouldn’t take things the wrong way type situation.
Once I became indifferent to him, didn’t return text messages, phone calls or emails. Or responded to him with a single word, he seemed to pick up pace and start blowing luke warm but eventually I stopped texting altogether, then stopped emailing and never called and he would drop an email and I just responded with one or two words. But only if he asked a question. If he just made a comment like “have a good weekend” I never responded. He then began to inquire if I was getting his emails or not – so I responded “yes”.
I hope the best for you, and that you can just keep ignoring him and staying NC like I did. It saved my life and my sanity!
Anusha,
It feels like we were dating the same man! I had NC for almost ten days and was feeling “normal” again…but few days ago my EUM contacted me and instead of saying “NO” or ignore him, I answered his text! What is wrong with me??? He started with sexy texts and I texted him back saying: Dont treat me like a Call Girl, please have some respect”…and I was surprised that he actually said “Sorry”, he thought I was enjoying his sex-natured messages…Third day now, only decent messages, no more mentioning sex….I wonder how long it will last?
Thanks Brad 🙂 I just dont get why we just can text about that.He said on his email that he missed the texts,I said “we still can do it,who said they can be just about sex? we can use them to talk about other things too”.Wich he didnt respond.And why the contact had to get less or stop just because I cuted the sex? People that realy love each other like to be around each other even when there is no sex.They like to know how each other is doing and be on that persons company.Like I said love isnt all about sex.
Just to add,when I asked him if he was over me yet he said “No if I was I wouldnt be having those kind of texts(sex ones) with you”.What shows to me that he sees love as sex.I think to know if you are in love for somebody it should take more than just being sexualy interested on that person.I think to him is like sexualy interested= love.But love is way more than that.
Reading these comments I very idly wondered if some of the men you are complaining about (esp the ones using the internet) are the SAME guy and the same one I was with! LOL – like so many other women coming here before me the lightbulbs are flashing up in recognition. Looking back, I remember him saying “all my friends have wondered where I have been cos I spend so much time with you” (which admittedly he did for a while). I took that as friends, clearly with what happened eventually this was a narcissistic harem. Lucky for me, I am not joining their ranks (in a real harem at least the girls had company and fun with each other!). Thank you thank you thank you!
i am a man, and i believe in your site, its sounds helpfull for women in the struggle against oppressive men or assclowns. but im looking for something to help me. i had the epiphany, and i want to change, but im doing very well. my girlfriend does come back to me when the relationship has’nt changed. but that does’nt mean i am not trying. i believe i can be more cosiderate, more honest, more responsible for my poor actions.but it’s difficult to change this lifetime of bad habbits. i dont want her to leave me and your blog suggests to me that she should. we want to be together, but i just can’t see myself or change so easily. help!? please.
Karl, bless your heart for recognizing things that you would like to change. I just finished a book on communication which boiled down to: Men need to feel like their women respect them. Women need to feel like their men love them. If/when I get into another relationship, I will give this a try! I also believe that communication is key, and that rubber-banding and caving is totally detrimental to the dating/being together process. I know that most men don’t like to talk as much as do women about joint issues of mutual concern, but I truly believe that this skill is pivotal in maintaining equilibrium in a good relationship.But, then again, I am posting and reading everyone else’s heartache on here, so what do I know!?!?!?!?But seriously…best of luck to you and your G/F.
Karl,
If you only recognized how painful your actions are. I can honestly say that the relationship with my ex (push/pull, indecision, selfishness, excuses, lies and overall nonsense) was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. Very destructive!
The reason the girlfriend is returning is due to low self-esteem, otherwise why would she continue to return to the same situation.
If you really loved your girlfriend and yourself you would seek professional help “to change this lifetime of bad habits.” It’s up to you, no more excuses.
Hi Karl,
Yeah, I would recommend seeking professional help also, for you and your GF.
I think that just being aware of your inclinations and your (gasp) feelings and communicating them can help tremendously. If you feel like pulling away, or being abusive, notice it, and let your girlfriend know. Also, let her know you love her and the relationship is important.
It could mean that you have to let each other go, at least for a while, until you both feel ready and ABLE to be in with both feet – and the rest of your bodies/hearts.
Ladies,
All I can say is that I wished I had found this website years ago. I stayed in a very bad marriage because “I loved him.” Yeah, right. To be honest, I think I just did not love myself enough. Exes are exes for a reason, and the reason will not magically disappear. You see, even as a child, I never believed in fairy tales, and I am too old to start. But for me, I believed that it was going to get better, it had to have been something that I did wrong (yeah, it’s called putting up with his junk), if I just loved him enough, everything will get better. Believe it or not, before I finally had enough to get out, he had the nerve to tell me that he felt that I did not love him anymore because I no longer put up with his bad behavior. I told him that if what he wanted to marry or be with was a puppet, then he needed to find one, but I did not have ANY man’s brand on my hip. No matter how hard I tried to make things work, it just got worse. And the reason it got worse is because you need TWO people in a successful relationship.
I’m lucky with this one – I never, ever, ever want to get back with any of the the ex Ns or EUs; never have and never will.
What I need to learn is how to stop going out with what is essentially the same bloke in different bodies 🙂 Do they “spirit hop”? ^-^
This type of man is horrible and so disruptive and ultimately destructive. It’s the first time I’ve discovered anything about this kind of pattern and where it emanates from – me- and I’m determined to halt it and turn things around. I will never get with the past ones ever again, believe me; but I don’t want to get with the future ones either.
Best Regards, Leonine.
Its fairly common for a bit of rebounding right after a breakup.
Its such a shock to the system, when you go from being two people in a third entity which is that relationship to going back to being one person.
That is very hard to deal with and you need a strong group of friends and family to support you through this.
This is also your weakest point where you begin to doubt yourself. Did you really do the right thing? You totally FORGET all the bad things that made you want to break up with him in the first place.
You start listening to your head and not following your heart. You let your emotions run wild and look for temporary relief rather than long term benefit.
You think things will work out just fine. You know I would say … hell have that rebound and get back with him.
It won’t take that long to realise that things are really not the same. That u can have him back … and now you really DON”T want him.
It took be one rebound day to realize that and when I finally made the decision to make that CLEAN break, i have not felt more free, more liberated and more trusting in myself.
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i believed the oodles of promises and wanted so much for him to be sorry. after a long breakup i went back and convinced myself he had changed. he seemed like such a different person, but he harbored the same problems and hurt me all over again. we lasted 3 mos and his insecurity & emotional unavailibity broke us up. like NML said if the reason you broke up is still there it is not going to work. one day he just shut me out, no contact. all i got was an email that said he felt something had changed. he quickly took control of the situation and wouldn’t allow me to voice my feelings or make him feel bad for his actions. resorting to text & emails only. eum/ac are not normal and trying to have a normal relationship with them is futile. i hate myself b/c i still care 4 him, but no matter how hard i hurt…i won’t let him do this to me again. this article is so true. there’s a reason you broke up in the 1st place and if that hasn’t changed, fuhggetaboutit.