There are four ‘syndromes’ that keep women emotionally invested and flogging dead horses:
I Can Change Him Syndrome – That penchant for fixer uppers and trying to fit your square peg man into your cookie cut version ideal…
Betting On Potential Syndrome – You see something that he doesn’t see in himself or in the relationship. He may have displayed some wondrous qualities in the first few dates but he has failed to show them ever since, but you think that the beginning shows the potential for the happy ending.
Excess Baggage Syndrome -Everybody has some hand baggage and even a little to check in. You however let them pack on all their baggage, no matter how much it exceeds the baggage limit and no matter how much it weighs down your emotional plane… Of course even when they’re long gone from your life, you end up mixing in a little of their baggage with yours…
Women Who Talk Too Much Syndrome – Somewhere along the line you learnt that as long as you’re talking, you’re communicating and fighting for the survival of your relationship. It doesn’t matter that you might be saying too much of the wrong things, not matching your actions with your words, failing to listen, and having one way conversations…
All of the syndromes prevent you from living in reality. You’re so focused on the happy ending that you fail to recognise that it’s a miserable, self-esteem knocking journey en route. There is so much adversity, struggles, and pain amongst these syndromes that I guess it’s not that much of a stretch to believe that true love prospers and that the type of love in fairy tales needs you to get a few knocks and scrapes along the way.
Of course there is no such thing as a perfect man and you may be waiting a long time for that guy that will come along and rescue you from your existence and make it all better. Likewise, that frog that you keep kissing and hoping that he’ll turn into a prince, may just remain a frog…or a toad…or even turn into a snake.
The biggest thing though that we can learn from waiting for the fairy tale and the syndromes that befall our relationships is about managing our expectations. There’s nothing wrong with hoping and having a little fantasy but we have to start asking ourselves if our expectations are realistic or even obtainable, all in one person that has a penis dangling between his legs. Placing all of your expectations and desires for the happy ending on him rather than apportioning some of it in your direction may make for a rocky ending.
Realistically speaking, you get the happy ending with a relatively happy journey with a few bumps en route. If however you decide to travel the road with emotional ten car pile ups along the way…well that happy ending will remain out of reach.
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Thanks for the reality check. I think sometimes its easier to imagine and fantasize about Mr. Perfect than to take the plunge with a good guy.
First, fiction is an art form, not a blueprint for life. This isn’t a criticism of fiction or readers, but an explanation. Fiction (at its best) excels at exploring how people deal with situations bizarre or mundane. Fiction can be an emotional escape, but can also be a very important way to examine how we think, how we feel when overcoming obstacles and celebrating life.
A fairy tale proper is a morality story, a fable. There is a single moral to be made, the rest isn’t to be taken too seriously. The princess dancing off with the prince is a symbolic happy ending.
I think where much happiness could be found, is to first look for a partner with solid, good character – honesty, discipline, courteous. Caring. Strong emotional bonds in their lives – they will be more likely to form a strong mate-bond. And by looking first for character strengths,we focus on those aspects in ourselves. By being disciplined, by being honest and courteous, we prepare ourselves for being a good mate.
We all are aware of how often sexual intercourse is used to exploit, oppress, to belittle or to confine another. If we turn from the sensationalism of modern sex-based marketing and sex-based fashion, and look past the lurid sex scenes in books, magazines, and movies, and expect sex to be useful for making babies, then we can hardly find ‘bad’ sex. And should stop using ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ as something to look for in a date or partner. I figure a guy that you feel giddy about quickly – has a life-skill he has worked on for years – attracting sexual partners. And I doubt that such a partner (guy or gal) is likely to abandon using that skill any time soon. Which kind of limits the energy they put into maintaining a relationship. Simply put: Hotties are for quickies only.
Most of the ‘mistakes’ list about have to do with not picking a mate for good reasons. We think that ‘fixing’ someone will make them grateful, which binds them to us so we won’t have to worry about losing them. Which seems to sum up the first three on this list.
The last one, over-talking, is a form of deception and trickery, and is just as disrespectful and damaging as lying or refusing to tell the truth. Think Cathetherine Zeta-Jones in “High Fidelity”. Over-talking probably extends past the home, to friends and work, too. Hang around people that you respect, be honest with yourself and others, and be aware of what others want to hear. We parent children, it is our responsibility. Adults we treat with respect.
First off, shame on me for missing this post until now. Brilliant and true.
Secondly, Brad, my dear sweet Brad.
I do believe you are contradicting yourself when you tell us all about the evils of sex based advertising, basing judgement on looks etc etc. Then you state ‘hotties are for quickies’…
Hmm, sounds like discrimination based on looks. Because as everyone knows, hot men are players and hot women are stupid and/or shallow.
If you think we should leave looks out of the equation, then perhaps you should do so as well.
I know many quality hotties, and many nonquality non-hotties.
Looks are a subjective thing, aren’t they, and as a matter of fact many above average looking people are the ones sitting at home on Saturday nights, or out with the boys/girls and not on dates.
If we are to elevate ourselves beyond this sexist thinking, then lets leave looks out of the equation (and references to hottness). I would be very upset if I read in a men’s site posting that men should avoid ‘hot women’ as a mate because they are dumb.
Fair?
Cheekie,
In this instance, I think you can easily tell the ‘hottie’ lifestyle at a casual look. It is the lifestyle, the manipulative skills and image that I caution against. Not the person’s appearance. Unless the person appears to be a hottie. I think of this issue as if recognizing gang colors – which a wise person will want to do very quickly.
What I mean by a hottie is a person that has learned, practiced, and acquired significant skill into projecting a sexually provocative or fashionable (almost the same thing, for me) image. A person that is skilled at appearing to be sexually enticing and available. A person that considers their projected sexuality to make them significantly better than those around them. They consider their desirability to be a specific influence on those they encounter for personal, business, or social reasons.
If you think about it, there are any number of people around us that don’t do much more for grooming than shower and wash, occasional hair cut. But when they smile at someone they cherish – they share the joy that the word beauty was meant to describe.
Most hotties are so invested in appearance they have trouble finding simple joy – instead of winning or conquering. The person might be honorable, but the investment they make in a lifestyle of manipulation and deceit – well, pretend something long enough, and it becomes pretty close to true. To see one lampoon of this, consider Julie Brown’s ‘Becaus I’m Blonde’, from her album ‘Trapped In The Body Of A White Girl’, or her appearance in the movie she inspired, Gena Davis’ ‘Earth Girls are Easy’. Hah! How is that for an obscure reference?? Note that Jeff Goldblum costarred, and included a young Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans.
I would describe my comment as discrimination based on apparent lifestyle, regardless of appearance. I note that those over-invested with a ‘professional image’ exhibit the exact same issues about making personal connections in a relationship. They live the image with so much intensity they lose the ability to function in a family.
Good women just want a good man. The pursuit of ridiculous physical standards on either side is screwing everything up, yet no one wants to admit it. Most women who read the romance genre are not so much interested in the perfection of a hottie kind of guy as they are in the idea of a good man who is strong, nice, dependable, loving, passionate, honest, and totally in love with the woman for keeps. That’s the real draw in a romace novel. It’s not the physical, but the superb character.
I don’t see where any of those character driven ideas are a unrealistic for real men to be. However I do think many men are so confused by today’s feminist society that seems to prefer men so emasculated to the point of making them unreliable and insecure, and women are wondering where the real men have gone.
That being said there are definitely worthless creatures on both sides of the gender fence. So much so that the good ones are hard to find.
But we’re out there….ready for the taking by a real, good, man, and the rewards would be high.
I am 22, recently out of a long and (towards the end) terribly tumultous relationship. You could say it did quite a bit of damage because I barely enjoy going out and I find myself overly meek when trying to approach and interact with new men. I feel like im in the right space and time to start dating again, but I feel absolutely clueless! I’m not saying I’m looking for a fairytale ending although it’s hard to ignore in our everyday lives, but I would like to have a new healthy beginning…one where I don’t end up making the same mistakes I did the last go round.
What kind of advice would you give for a person like me who is looking to meet someone new??
Tina,
How to find a good partner is one of the toughest problems many of us face. Much of the answer starts with what you want.
For many, dating is seen as social recreation. Fashion and the entertainment industries make great profits from this. Instead you can look at dating as part of a mating ritual – a way to evaluate a potential partner, to discover shared interests and values, to share breaths, to discover what there is that you can respect about this person. Put less emphasis on conspicuous spending and timings between phone calls and text messages, and more about whether the guy (gal) is good with animals and children, has deep existing bonds to family and friends (loners are inexperience, or have other issues), is respectful and honest. And is satisfied to be treated the same way.
Your existing friendships are important, they fill a need for contact with others, they give you practice in interacting and other skills needed for a long term relationship, and provide comfort and support. But spend less time with single people, and deliberately look for more ‘attached’ couples to spend time with. Happily married women may be better ‘scouts’ for a good partner. Hanging out with married people, you will start to look more settled, more interested in setting down – and a more attractive person to ‘settle down’ with.
If someone picks you up because of a sharp hairdo, a particularly sexy outfit – their attention will stray to others with sexy outfits, etc. Find someone that likes your honesty, your respectfulness – how do you disappoint someone like that? One good way to demonstrate character is to hang out with responsible, respectable people. Anyone you meet in such a group, or is attracted to such a group, is more likely to be interested in living honorably, respectfully.
Be wary of those that are slick, that get real intimate really quick – they have invested large parts of their lives into skills for attracting (wooing!) partners. They will not lose those skills. And they will continue to look for partners, and practice wooing, much of the rest of their lives.
Introduce a date to your trusted friends, very soon. Ask them what they think – of his honesty, his respectfulness, his honor. Listen to any reservations. Do this before getting intimate. Again, dating is either a social recreation that emphasizes sexual contact and how ‘hot’ your date is – or an investigation of a potential life partner.
A guy that is known for many sex partners will continue to rack up new partners, even if you want a loyal guy. Life skills, again, that will come back to haunt the relationship.
And look really closely at dates that go awry. Sometimes the disasters, other than disrespect or deceit or abuse, can signal someone worth looking at closely.
Luck!