This post was originally published back in 2006 and had such a huge response I had to take it offline as it was causing problems with the server. It’s now been republished but you can see the updated version here:
1. Have your escape route planned.
If you have any sense of self-worth planned, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.
2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats.
Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason, meaning there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone.
But ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better.
4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand.
The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not to use as a tool to get what you want.
5. Get a life.
Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!
6. Don’t be doing the chasing.
How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?
7. Keep it real.
You are the other woman. He belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.
8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife.
It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person, and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.
9. Don’t turn into a stalker.
The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids’ school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention-seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.
10. Don’t cope with being the other woman.
Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone. He is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself. You are better than playing second best.
Recently added article: Breaking up and getting over married men
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If he’s cheating on her, he’ll cheat on you just as quickly. Don’t fall into this trap.
I like #8 — don’t slag the first woman. You picked him, for some reason, to mess around with. If you are finding value in him, you have to also honor the rest of his life — including the wife/1st girlfriend. If she is really the bane of your life, you have to ask, how is he different from her, in relation to your life?
Besides, you don’t have nasties come back to haunt you if you play respectful to everyone.
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Living well is the best revenge
Speaking as an “other woman”, take Tips 1 and 6 and remember them. I just made the decision over the weekend to end what I’ve had with a married man (who is also a neighbor and coworker) for the past 3 years.
This affair has taught me a lot and with work this will be my last time of being the “other woman”.
Stuckey – Sing it!
Brad K – Absolutely true. The trouble with playing with someone elses man is that some choose to play dirty as they think it yields results. It often doesn’t…
Sue – I am very impressed that you have made the break although I don’t know how you managed to do all of this with a neighbour and co-worker! Thank goodness you know that you’re worth more than being the other woman.
I’m involved with a married co-worker. I just got out of a divorce and am not ready for a real relationship so I thought this would be the ideal situaton (no strings attached, just physical). However, the guy has developed feelings and is now telling me he loves me and is also calling/texting/emailing me at night when his wife is in the other room. It’s getting out of hand, this was not the plan! I see him every day at work and I don’t want to stop being with him yet (it makes for great lunch hours) but I do want him to realise that it’s just a physical thing and that I don’t want it to turn emotional. He wants to see me at night and in weekends too, he is saying he is ‘addicted’ to me. What should I do?
I am 28, he is 29 and has a wife and 1 year-old daughter.
Hi Kim – He wants what he can’t have. If you were all over him like a rash and being uber available, he would be cool as anything. This can’t go anywhere – the wife and the 1 year old daughter should be enough baggage to scare you away. In these scenarios, even with the best of intentions there is always one party that feels or wants more than the other. It’s too late – it has turned emotional, at least for him. From the way he is behaving, it sounds like the type of thing that you should cut off. The work situation only adds to the weight of things and this could all turn ugly. You’re not only seeing a married man, but also having an office affair – abort the mission and run like the wind.
I don’t see how this can work as it sounds like you’re already in too deep – I don’t recommend that anyone play 2nd fiddle and your situation sounds far too complex for you to continue. Good luck!
To add to this, I have been TOW for over three years, I didnt choose to be here, it was 8 Months in before I found out he had a wife at home (the benefits of having a job that allow you to to travel means you can hide lots).. I stupidly thought I could entice him away from his wife and over three years later, I am still in the same position, desperately in love with a man who will never leave his wife but continues to promise me he will do so. I have no friends left because I isolated myself from everyone, spent my time ‘waiting’ and my family have all but deserted me after judging me and becoming frustrated with me. I left my husband and sold my house and rent now as he promised me that if I did this, he would ‘be with me’ – that was over two years ago, now, six nights out of seven I spend them alone, half my salary gone on rent I cant even afford to go out and socialise and now I have to move somewhere cheaper, instead of this nice house, I’m going to some rooms in a shared house with my son, I used to own my own home! He says I made the decisions to do what I did and he isnt responsible, I disagree, he pressurised me into selling, he pressurised me into leaving my husband and he pressurised me into renting a house that was way above my needs as it suited him to visit somewhere ‘nice’ because he promised a lifestle to me he was never prepared to deliver. My situation isnt unique, on the contrary, unless you go into a relationship with a MM with a set goal in mind and stick to that goal, there are so many other women like me out there wasting their lives and time waiting for something that will never happen. I cant understand how anyone can profess to love someone and continue to deliver false promises and manipulate so that they can have their own physical and emotional needs met with little or no regard for the emotional trauma that causes TOW. It’s despicable. And yet, here I am, still waiting, torturing myself over my own stupidity at staying with him. It’s easy to dish out advice its so much harder to take it and act on it but to any OW out there… dont end up like me, find the strength from somewhere to get out ! If he loves you, he will leave and follow… staying with it, giving him what he needs out of some misguided thought that this is the way to entice him away is not the way to do it. I know I have to end it, my head screams this to me but my heart screams just as loud not to, to keep on hoping.. I love him but I cant have him and the sooner I face up to that the sooner I can walk away and move on. I am moving in three weeks, a fresh start and changing my phone numbers. I just hope I can find the strength to stop all contact and move on. In time the hurt will go away and I know that in doing this, the hurt I feel every day of my life, that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and the tightening in my throat will go away too. Please, please see early on that nothing good can ever come of being TOW, if he hasnt left within 6 months he WONT ! If you dont want him to leave, you shouldnt be seeing him in the first place because if you dont get hurt, someone will. I am worth more than this and so are you.
Footnote: I am hurt but I know I will get over this. In the last three years, I have learned more about myself than I have in all the years of being an adult. I know that I will never have a relationship with a MM again nor will I be fooled so easily next time but I also know that I am a decent human being with lots to offer and I will find and love someone else. I have had some of the best times in my life over the past three years and learned what it really is to love unconditionally and thats worth something right? even if I didnt go about it in the right way. Not all men are like this and I am not happy with the woman I have become but I can change back to the woman with values and self-worth. This experience has taught me my worth after knowing what it feels like to be worthless. When you hit rock bottom the only way is up. I am ashamed to say that I have considered ending it all, of course, I realised that this was to punish him, but stupid if I am not here to see that and so much more easily done just by phoning his wife and telling all, but why hurt her? What’s she done? It’s a self inflicted state, no one did this to me, I did it to myself. I simply trusted and believed the wrong man, thats all. Lesson learned and time to move on only I do it with my head held high and will take pride in myself knowing I did it without causing too much damage or none that cant be repaired anyway. My heart goes out to anyone going through what I am, I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I’m not bitter, just burned. Burns heal and we can hide the scars..
Wow AMF!My heart really does go out to you. It sounds like you are on the road to recovery and I’m glad. Your MM sounds duplicitous and lacking in any responsibility for his actions but I am glad you have put the onus on yourself to make a change. It is all to easy to get sucked into the lies even though the MM may not see them as ‘lies’. It sounds like you have sacrificed a lot to be in this ‘relationship’ with this guy and I urge you not to sacrifice another moment of your time on him. You deserve much better.
I have been married for many years and I am messing around with someone who has been married for almost 30 years. We both enjoy our time together and do not make any promises to eachother. I have children who are grown and him and his wife have none and never will. I do love my husband but he loves his job first and foremost. For some people this works and others it doesn’t. For us it’s just friendship because neither one of us wants anything more from the other.
This is an interesting arrangement Maggie where it is possible that it can be harmonious but this can only happen when there is no emotional involvement and no repercussions. I would describe this as friends with benefits and I would just be careful that you don’t invest too much emotionally and that he’s not the one who gets most of the benefit. The moment you feel a change in your emotions, I would bail out fast. I know that there are lots of relationships like yours that exist and your husband choosing to place his work first and foremost means that he has stopped putting your relationship and your emotional needs first. Everyone needs love and to feel desired and it’s easy to see how you have sought this comfort elsewhere. Just be careful…
Emotionally, I am a wreck right now. I am married, 35, and have a child. Communication long ago broke down at home. A year ago I met a wonderful man while I was out of town for a concert. We exchanged email addresses. By the time I was back home he had emailed me. That’s all it was initially, then we began to talk on the phone. I knew I would return to his town a few months later. We were both in lonely marriages. Finally it was time for us to see each other. It was two of the best days ever. Great chemistry, laughs, you name it. It was a first time affair for each of us. He is 47, married and has 4 children, 2 at home. He is a very involved father and for all outward appearances, the perfect man in general. He scared me because he seemed to good to be true. For the longest time he was just head over heels and I held back my emotions. I wasn’t sure if I could ever leave my husband and hurt my child that way. We had ups and downs. Our relationship was mostly by phone due to distance, but we would see each other whenever we could. We would talk for hours everyday. Nine months into this, during the course of our most wonderful night ever I told him that I love him. His immediate response was the same. It really felt like we had turned a corner, despite not knowing what the future would hold for us. A month later I saw him again and had a great time. That night when he returned home his wife was waiting up to tell him how her best friend’s husband (and her boss) had been cheating. He got to see up close and personal the devastation it caused that family, all the time having to act as though he would never consider such a thing. Their families had a vacation to Atlantis planned for later that month & he & his wife were asked to counsel the other couple. And the spiral began. He started to seem distant, like he was pushing me away. We saw each other two more times before they took another family vacation, this one to visit his parents. When he came home I knew he had been thinking. He decided that he was just not the type of person who could bring so much pain to two families, despite having strong feelings for me. We had talked before about not leaving family just for one another, that it should be for other reasons. He still feels loved and needed at home. His marriage is not perfect, but he does not want to put his children through the pain of divorce. He has been married 22 years and he says the guilt is eating him up inside. Part of me can understand all of what he has said. The other part of me is devastated. I want to hold on so badly and have tried. He makes some comments that are confusing as to his intentions, future, etc. Although I would be with this man today if given the opportunity, I had no time frame in mind. I would wait, but that likely just makes me look foolish. It’s killing me knowing he is with her. Not that it did not sting before, but now it seems all hope is lost. It sounds crazy to say about a married man that he is “the one” but that’s how my heart feels about him. His best friend always told me that he is a good guy and would likely never leave. He’d say the things I loved most about his friend were the things that ultimately would keep us apart. Damn this hurts.
Bama, I know what you mean. I have been involved with a married man for just a little over a month now. He makes comments that also confuse me. He says he will leave but wants to do it on his own terms. He doesn’t want his wife to take him for everything if she knew about me. He has 3 kids, but says he just doesn’t want to hurt the youngest one. I tell him that since they fight in front of the youngest child, she is being hurt anyway. I have been around the kids though they don’t know about our connection. He tells me he loves me so much & has never felt this way before. I’m falling in love with him more & more too. I just don’t know what to do, but I do know that I don’t want to be the other woman that waits for years. He is 10 years older than me (I’m 24). Sometimes, I think of all the other guys that ask me out, but he seems so mature compared to the guys my age. Now, he is making comments about moving out and even calls things “ours.” I have also been told by his family members that they don’t see him leaving, but they do see the wife leaving. They’ve said that she has repeatedly said she is definitely leaving when the youngest child can understand. Everyone tells me how she treats him like crap & he does everything for her. Of course, it makes me wonder why she is unhappy. It’s hard not to think the man is the innocent good-doer, but I don’t know what to do. I just needed to let this out to someone. I’m so young and confused and just don’t know what to do.
Bama – This sounds like you are expending energy on something and someone that has already made their decision and moved on. Hard as this may be for you to hear, he has made his choice and it’s not you. I know that occasionally it works out with married men, but the bulk of the time it doesn’t. The odds are stacked against you. If he still feels loved and needed at home, he has used you and been more than a touch greedy. Maybe having his wife present someone’s elses ordeal did shake him up and it should shake you up. I totally understand your unhappiness because there is a lot of emotion involved here but the best thing that you can do now is accept what has happened, have your time to heal and move on. Put the focus back on yourself and your relationship and whether or not you want to work at it.
You most definitely shouldn’t wait – that would be a waste of your time and remember that the relationship has been built on dysfunctionality. It feels good and it feels like he was the one but it’s been borne of something that is wrong for both of you, albeit for different reasons. My thoughts are with you and you will find the strength to deal with this.
Green Eyes – If anything, learn from the pain and devastation that you see in the comments above. Your situation has the hallmarks of hurt and pain and I would save yourself from it. Telling you stuff about ‘ours’ is just a rather canny way of giving you a false sense of security. There is no ‘ours’ when there is a wife and kids in tow – If he wants to be with you, he must make a decision. Right now you’re getting the crumbs of his life. Don’t listen to speculation, listen to what your gut is telling you and read the signs. He’s not being mature – he’s being cowardly and taking advantage of what he perceives as your relationship naievity. Don’t waste your time on him.
Im the other man,i’m going through a divorce (nothing to do with the lady I’m seeing) and met this woman 18 months ago. Cutting a very long story as short as possible, she has a young daughter and is 26 herself. She has one failed marraige under her belt (the husband asked her to leave as he had affair – ironic really) She left with their young child and met the man she currently lives with and they have been toghether for several years. We have been seeing each other on and off for 18 months and more recently she says she wants to move out and get a place but is scared because of her child. LAst month she finally said that things had got to a point and that her and her chap were going to go to counselling, from her point she wants to separate properly with no blame attached to anybody and not hurt him by there being somebody else. She didn;t plan to meet and fall in love but has. Me well I dont know what to believe I find myself wondering things like are they still having sex, will she really leave am I a mug. Tehre seems to be more signs from her that she is preparing to leave but how long do i wait (i know there is no answer) but i need to get this out of my systme before I go crazy!!
I don’t understand how men can lie to women who they supposedily “love” and cause so much pain…. What a kind of man can do that to us… How can they betray the trust of two when they lie to both and still try for stuff…
I have just yesterday found out that I was another woman…. My boyfriend of a lil over a month has been hiding from me the fact that he had another that he also loves.She was a complete bitch to me and I said nothing to offend her but when she attacked my character. I feel hurt that I once shared his attentions with her. I ended it and want to just be his friend now… He says he’s sorry but that makes the pain worse… I thought I had matured over the summer but why was it so easy for everything to go wrong
Thank you for this site!
I have been crying for 3 days now making myself sick………over what I thought was the best thing that came into my life…….turned out to be the most painful heart reching, draining, not only me, but my bank account as well.
I have to realize I’m worth someones true love, not this false awful feeling i have inside………I gave it all, and I’m feeling used and betrayed…..
I hope no-one goes through this experience….
I learned I can feel again……..but never will trust or do this again…….
Jazzy – It’s very interesting to hear from a guy…because it turns out that regardless of the sex, the same excuses get trotted out. Mind advice, don’t wait. Get on with your life – if she really wants you, she will sort herself out on her own time and pick up with you when she is available properly. As in no excess baggage… When I say get on with your life, that does mean exactly that. The problem with the party that has the partner to leave is that knowing that someone else is eagerly awaiting them allows them to drag their feet. I wouldn’t give her that comfort and you deserve better.
Min – That woman is just taking things out on you. It’s her lying toerage of a boyfriend that she should be attacking the character of. I certainly wouldn’t be his friend – he doesn’t deserve it as he should have been honest and not involved you in that deceit. At least if you’re gonna be the other woman, have the opportunity to make that decision for yourself, not have it made for you. And there is nothing wrong with your maturity. If anything, ask the right questions and look out for signs that he’s hiding something. Don’t be too quick to get swept up in the hype.
Susan – Well Susan, you described the reality of being the other woman very well. Look at what this chump has done to you! I’m glad you recognise your worth and do NOT allow this episode to steal your trust. Learn from it and never devalue or place yourself in this situation again.
NML – great advice I’d kind of gotten to the same conclusion and went out with an old flame tonight, and it was so refreshing I accidently left my phone in the car but not checking it for texts and messages was actually quite refreshing. ITs amazing how we slowly change our behaviours and think that crumbs are actually worth waiting for. Its not because I’m needy and have a fear of being on my on that i fell into this relationship, quite the opposite i dont struggle meeting and talkin to women, i’ve just fallen in love with the wrong person and it is wonderful (as love is) but soul destroying (as love shouldn’t be!). So I am making no decsions but I am taking steps to put my life back on a track that stops me ‘waiting’.
How do you eat an elephant – one spoonful at a time!!!
Ive also fallen into a deadly trap.
Ive been the other woman for 2.5years now, my boyfreind is 17years older than me and has a 2 year old child. We got together when the baby was on the way.
I keep asking him to make a decision and he says he will be with me, on the other hand he says the decision is too hard, esp as he has a child. I know what the final decision will eventually be, he won’t choose me. I know that now. Back in january his wife read one of my texts and went ballistic but he denied everything. I should have stopped it there but didnt. Why? Because I love him.
Everybody says how can you love someone who still loves someone else, who gives you so little of his time? I didn’t choose to love this man! I just ended up like this. I fell in love with him and he with me. I know he really does love me, but the marriage he is in gives him no reason to leave. I do understand his predicament, but on the other hand I hate being 2nd best, always being let down never being first choice.
Ive given myself until the end of february 2007 I just hope when the time comes i can be strong enough to stick to my decision. All i can think is that I don’t want to give up someone who i love so much. We work together also and this makes it even more hard, knowing that if (or when) we break up working together will be that much harder. I keep holding on just incase somethng does happen, but i know it wont. Its been 2.5years so why would it be any different now? I know what i need to do, i just don’t want to.
So many people in the same situation, and me too. I have only been with mine for four months.
I was in a bad relationship when I went onto a dating site and randomly got talking to a married man. He has a wife and two children but we clicked instantly. I told him we were always just going to be friends and nothing else and that I could never do that to his wife. That was fine so we carried on talking. We told each other our problems he told me about how his marriage isn’t a real marriage anymore after sixteen years and that for the past six years she has pushed him away and won’t have sex with him anymore, I felt so sorry for him. They got married at such a young age. I in turn told him about my relationship which I ended up finishing shortly after.
After months of chatting online and eventually offline for hours at a time, we met up and were instantly attracted to one another, soon we began dating and then things got a lot more serious.
He is a true gentleman, and definately the nicest guy I have ever been out with. He promised me he would leave his wife as he has been unhappy for so long and that he wanted to marry me, he even started looking at engagement rings and gave me his ring to wear “until he can buy me one”. I met his friends and even his brother.
Then things suddenly took a bad turn. He suddenly put a lot of pressure on himself to finish things with his wife and became depressed, so (stupid me) I told him he shouldn’t put so much pressure on himself as it is not healthy and is not doing him any favours so he took his foot off the gas and became relaxed about it all. This was no good either as it started appearing to me that he no longer had the intention to leave.
Then his friend died who was the same age as him and had a child the same age as his kids. He went to the funeral and saw his friend’s child grieving and naturally this got him thinking about his own situation. He missed his kids so much and so has put me aside to spend more time with them and is now saying that he isn’t sure what to do.
He doesn’t think he could leave his marriage because he doesn’t want to ruin his children’s lives, at the same time he doesn’t want to leave me and ruin my life. So now, he has stopped talking about it and has become very non-committal, saying he just wants us to get back to how we were.
This whole thing has left me confused and not knowing where the hell I am. My best way of thinking is to just leave him to it, after all he does belong to someone else and I couldn’t do it to her or their kids, the guilt would just eat me alive. I never wanted a relationship with a married man in the first place and I have never been in such a complicated situation!
I should also add that the period spent with his kids (the past two weekends) has now come to an end and he seems a lot happier and back to his old self. He and his wife do not live together but he goes home to the house he has a mortgage on every other weekend. Next week we will be spending almost whole week together. We still talk on the phone every single day, the only thing that has changed is that he is frightened and he doesn’t know what to do.
KAZZA – I dont envy you, but i would say this Do not underestimate the emotional pull in leaving your children behind. He is in a very sore place but beware if he is in any way unsure he is doing the right thing then the pull to go back will grow! I separated from my wife twice, the first time I went to the house at weekends ‘to see the kids’ but my ex-wife wanted me back and was oh so nice. I went back after several months(i didn’t have anyone else it was just a separation.) The 2nd time i left for good it was very painful and again noone else was involved but it may have confused things for meif there had been, even though I was very unhappy in my marriage. In short i would suggest that you give your man some space (i mean weeks not days, keep yourself vey busy make plans for you and look after yourself, he has made a big step in your direction and 4 months isn’t really a very long so take your time and dont push in any way. Be there for him but find support for you its not easy for your heart to be up and dosn all the time. Hope things work for you!!
Jazzy – I laughed at that saying! I’m glad you’re gonna get your life back on track and you’ve won half the battle when you realise that loving someone doesn’t involve feeling bad about yourself or the relationship. Good luck!
Deluded Fool – There is no point in having a deadline if you aren’t going to stick it out. What you have going on is not what love is about. It’s not just about playing 2nd best – if he really wanted to be with you, he would be. He had his chance to get out when his wife found the text message and he made his excuses. 2.5 years is a very long time and I know from experience that if he hasn’t made the break by now, it’s unlikely he will. Even if he did, by the time he did you’d be an emotional wreck and you’d be unlikely to enjoy it. It’s difficult to recover from the other woman status. I suggest you make a break for it asap and break the cycle. Good love doesn’t feel bad.
Kazza – I’ll tell you exactly where you are – No Mans Land. I can totally see how you’ve been drawn in but what your man is doing is giving you just enough to keep you in. He is giving you a taste of what it would be like if only his circumstances were different. The thing is, his circumstances aren’t different and that’s what you need to deal with. I appreciate that a couple of things have happened to sway the process, but where you got suckered is when you gave him carte blanche to take the piss by not having to put himself under pressure to leave! Jaysus! That’s like handing him the cake, the icing, the whole bakery! He likes having his cake and eating it. If you were offered the cake, you’d eat it too – it’s human nature. I can’t see how this will work with him. I suggest that you break away and leave him. Properly. Get on with your life and if he wants to be with you, he will make a proper break for it. If he comes back offering the same crumbs, tell him to beat it. He’s not the nicest man in the world – He’s a nice guy that’s cheating on his wife who has a kid. I’m not sure how nice that is…
Jazzy – I do and don’t agree with your advice. I’m not foolish enough to assume that people don’t fall in love when they already have somebody else, but where I get irked is where they fail to put the ‘affair’ on the backburner so that they can attend to the issues at home. It would be nice to see someone not hedge their bets and try to have their cake and eat it, do what they need to do with the current partner and family and come back when they have sorted their lives out. You are right about the emotional pull but if that is so great, he shouldn’t be messing with someone else. He should be sorting his life out before he messes up anyone elses!
These comments are amazing. I see people at all different places in their lives, having all different experiences and holding all different points of view.
Speaking from the perspective of a married woman who has cheated before and had to rebuild her life and her marriage from the ground up, I urge you all to be very careful. I am still married to my husband, but years ago I cheated with his best friend … the oldest story in the book, I’m sure. Eventually, I told him what was happening–just couldn’t keep it from him anymore. He decided to stay with me, and I was grateful.
But things will never be the same. I have hurt him worse than anyone ever has before. He’s lost his best friend that he had since high school. He is a great person and tries to get past it, but he isn’t there yet, even after years have gone by.
I did not escape unscathed either. Since consumating my doom, I lost my self respect. I do not think myself a stupid woman … but I did an unbelievably stupid thing. I lost his best friend too … someone who had been my friend for a decade. Socially, it’s been detrimental, even though we never quite told anyone what happened.
I say all that to say this: stop now, while you have the chance. Or … if it’s too late to catch you before you do the unthinkable and cheat on your spouse (or be involved in causing this pain to someone else), stop before you make it any worse.
I’m sorry to sound so weird and foreboding, but start fixing it now. You have no idea the pain that lies ahead of you if you don’t.
hi…i don’t know how much sympathy or advice i can get seeing as i’m sure there are so many people in similar situations. this month it has been a year since i started my relationship with a married man. we met at work and still work together – a fact that will make it very hard when i know this fantasy i am living will come to an end. i want to hope i can be the 1 percent that makes it but in my heart i know i’m not. he’s very nice to me but i also know that he won’t leave because of his young son. i’m sure there are other reasons but i don’t ask him and he doesn’t tell me. i pour my heart out to him and he only says enough to keep me coming back for more. in the beginning he said all the right things and he was very, very hard to resist. i left a stable relationship feeling i had some real connection with this guy that i didn’t have at that time with my current boyfriend. to make a long story short — i’m stuck. i know i love this guy and i cry more than i laugh anymore. i am getting jealous of the time he spends with another girl at work and he denies they have any “connection” but i can’t stop thinking there is more between them. but i feel like i shouldn’t ‘make waves’ so i am constantly apologizing for my behavior and accepting his. i don’t know if anyone has any good advice or stories…i’ve read probably everything there is and i am smart enough to know what the right thing to do is. i just can’t walk away from him.
thankyou thankyou thankyou for this site! It is so relieving to be able to share stories with other women in this horrid situation. A lot of my friends have, over the years, been involved with attached men and believe me i was always the last to know as i disapproved so much. Well, here i am in exactly the same situation, so much for being smugly judgemental.Im seeing a married man with who has two kids under the age of 3 and im head over heels in love. He did all the chasing but eventually i gave in and now he has seemingly cooled off. I dont see him anywhere near as much as i used to, his messages and calls are less frequent and all i can suggest is that my time as his mistress is now over. I feel hurt and humiliated and have got to end this, hopefully when i see him this weekend.Im heartbroken and cant tell anyone, my friends who do know quite rightly tell me to finish it and dont want to hear ‘but he’s a lovely guy’ as clearly he isnt. I hope and pray for the strength to NEVER do this again. This site has helped so much, especially the checklist of ‘do’s and don’ts’! but i still feel so stupid, selfish and scared…was my self-esteem really this low?
I became TOW after listening to the endless stories of misery he endures being married to his wife and how much he wanted out and how he WAS going to make that happen. Yes, I bought it and was very much enamored with the idea of being with him myself.
He left her, then went back, then left, then went back, then left again. Then the wife found out about us and demanded that her husband get home and behave. He did.
Whatever screwd up dynamics they have going on in their relationship, they obviously function that way and have for a long time.
In the meantime, my self-respect has taken a nosedive of immense proportions. He still complains and still makes moves on me, but fortunately I am no longer fooled by illusions of his leaving nor of our ever being together. In hindsight I am grateful I didn’t end up with such a weak man.
The complete anger I feel is what has made ending this tolerable for me. Anger at myself for my extreme lack of judgement and anger at him for being so spineless. There is a reason they cheat on their wives alright, and it is most likely because they fall short of being a real man and deserve neither the wife or TOW.
Can anyone help.
Been seeing a MM, my boss for too long now. Knew it was never long term but things just happen. All was well till this last “session”. Now he has gone very cold. Insists nothing wrong but I know something is not right. Feel gutted. Need advice please
Hi NJM – Listen to the gut. If you think he’s being distant, he is. If you’ve been with him for ‘too long’ then you must know him pretty well. Remember, he won’t have the balls to tell you straight out as he will want to avoid confrontation. Sleeping with the boss is a no no unless you get the proverbial keys to the castle and you know it’s a sure thing. It’s one thing to be the other woman but to mix it with work is not worth it. It’s only made marginally better if he actually left the wife to be with you and you know that isn’t going to happen. Who knows why he has gone cold but it doesn’t matter because your situation is a dead end one that is very messy and will ultimately cost you the most. Cut your losses and don’t pursue him or an answer for his behaviour. Get out of this as quick as you can. You now need to decide if you still want your job and if you do, it’s all the more reason why you must be professional about it and cut it off. If you don’t want the job, get out as amicably as possible so you get a good reference and remember never to make the mistake of sleeping with the boss. Married is a major NO NO but him being your boss as well is a one way ticket to disastaer.
Hi Jazzy/NML,
Thank you very much for your advice (10/12th Sept). Things haven’t changed at all and I can’t see them changing so I have since done the right thing and finished the affair, it’s only been a couple of days but I know it is the right decision to make. As you say NML if he wants to be with me he’ll sort it, but I’m not holding out for him and I’m not going to accept no crumbs!
At least now I’ve learnt my lesson, a married man is a married man, no matter how they word it dress it up etc etc the old cliches are true!
Thank you again for this page and for your advice. π
I can totally relate to “stupid girl”‘s response. I too said I would never become TOW. I have been in my relationship for about 2 1/2 months now. I was head over heals in love (still am I think) and now I feel that things are changing. Him and his wife are expecting their first child next year (before i came into the picture), yet i pretend like this is not going to happen. He can’t possibly leave her now.
I have compromised a lot of myself and now i feel like there is not much of me left so i might as well hang on to whatever. I am developping the “who’s going to love me now!” complex.
This saga has not successfully ended yet like the others. This is hard. He doesn’t really want to break things off, yet we are struggling to make sense of the relationship.
My current questions is, how does being TOW work with the guy having kids?
Footnote: I have read through all the commentaries and wow, its like looking in a mirror. Thank you all for sharing!
Silly Girl, I definitely recommend that you run a thousand miles. It doesn’t make it better when there are kids involved, but when there are, you’re potentially hurting them too. I am glad that reading the comments has helped – be sure that there are many married men saying the same thing and many women going through what you are. But let go asap.
Silly Girl, my xMM also has an infant and the child is THE glue holding the two sickos together. Feel compassion for a child that has been put in that role in life and do yourself a huge favor while you still have some self-respect and aren’t consumed with overwhelming guilt and run like the wind. In the future, he WILL use the child as an excuse as to why he can’t leave even though he swears his love for you and not his W. However true it may be, it still leaves you begging for his meager handouts.
My advice is to take off any rose colored glasses you might be wearing and realize that you deserve so, so much more.
Alse, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. From what I’ve learned of those who did actually “hook” their MM for good, they eventually find he was NOT the prize they dreamed of. And they usually cheat again.
Hey,i’m also speaking as the other woman. I must say that it is the hardest thing to do. It’s been with the same guy for the past year,though he’s had a 2 girlfriends during that period of time. Why he didnt wanna be with me is beyond my thoughts but here’s alittle advice. I think all the rules are awesome and they are definetly accurate. I think the key thing is to not start falling for the person. Being the other women, your always second in line, if the wife/girlfriend cant give than he’s comming to you. Unless your always his first resort then its different but falling for him in the worst thing you can possibly do for yourself. It’s tough not to with all the physical attractions and what not, but be strong and try your best to get out of it. Nothing’s worse than being the other woman for the rest of your life.
Thank you SMARTER NOW, CYNICAL, and ANTONIETTA for your comments and encouragement. I am 27 years old and floundering around in this thing. I made the biggest mistake of my life being intimate with this guy…as of my last blog i feel like i am becoming more and more addicted to this guy. He say’s he’s addicted to me. Things in his relationship with his wife are mediocre. Its a wonder they are having this baby. Like what you mentioned smarter and cynical, the baby will definately be the glue! There is no doubt about that. That’s what they are channeling their relationship energies into. Now, I do think of the child but i also struggle with jealousy-because his time demands are split with baby prep. Typically I am not a jealous or envious person. All these ugly attributes are coming out of me because of this situation. I don;t plan on being around for the arrival of the baby. All the women blogging on here seem so strong and were able to muster up enough to walk through the door and not turn back. I question whether I have that gusto. I want to stay and I want to leave. I want to forget this mess yet I can not. As a final note, I thought about confronting his wife. I have asked my girlfriends about this and their split 50/50 on the matter. What do others think? My reasons for telling would not to be to gain the guy cause I know he would never want to see me again if i do speak to the wife. In my heart i don’t think she will leave him, because they are financial secure and comfortable. As some of you may be able to tell, i am at the height of my confusion!
Silly Girl,
My xMM’s W did find out (though not by me) and called me non-stop, screaming, crying and very heartbroken. It was terribly painful and terribly sad. Needless to say, I became the local homewrecking harlot. Mind you, I did NOT pursue him at ALL. It was entirely him and only after he assured me that his marriage was dead in the water and he was leaving. He, on the other hand, marched back home with his tail between his legs, ashamed of getting caught and is being a good boy now.
I’m much older than you and perhaps somewhat worn down from all the drama that is life. I’d rather be alone than deceiving and being deceived. Furthermore, I’m a firm believer in the karma payment plan. What comes around, you know…
In any case, she’s probably not as stupid as he or you think and I would doubt she’s going to kick him to the curb – especially now that a baby’s in the picture.
As cold as this may sound, you are a diversion for his mundane traditional family life and I have no doubt he is addicted to the excitement that you have brought him. Ask yourself whether you are going to be satisfied being a diversion. If the answer is yes, then you probably have bigger issues to deal with than being the OW.
Given the hypothetical and statistically highly unlikely situation that he left her for you, what on earth would make you think he wouldn’t get bored eventually with you as well and seek this addictive excitement elsewhere.
As the OW, we frequently fool ourselves into thinking that our relationship, situation, whatever is different. Don’t let that happen to you. You’re young and not so far into this thing that you can’t take the high road and reclaim some of your self-respect.
Sorry for the preaching. None of us are any smarter or any stronger than you. We’re here because we ended up where you are. Just want to save some poor soul the agony if it’s possible. Nobody wins in this game.
Brutally honest and true. I’m leaving.
I am 33, married for 15 years with 5 kids. Since June I have been having an affair with a co-worker 15 years my senior, who is also married with 3 kids. His wife found out about us 3 weeks ago, and he has been staying with his Dad ever since. The wife then called me Monday because she heard he and I were together Sunday night, which we were. He says he loves us both, but needs to reconcile with her if he can…for the kids sake. I love him, but I know what will happen here. I must move on and forget about him…and thank God my husband didn’t find out…
Im 20 yr old and haven been having an affair with a MM for over a year now, he has 4 kids and it was never ever an issue that he woud leave them, it started as a bit of fun but we got closer and closer nd ended up fallin in love with each other. now im head over hells in love with a man double my age and am finding it incrediably hard at the minute, iv tried to break it off lots of times but then i remember all the wee things that i will miss and i get in such a depressed state im uncontrobable. i dont want to end it as im too in love with him but its tearing me apart at the same time but i know if we finished it id be in a worse state. he knows im hurting really bad and wants to end it cuz feels shit cuz of what im going through but I cant bare the thought of it. I just fell in to deep with this man, not what i expected in a million years.
here i am 26, great boyfriend of 11 years, and on one holiday trip halfway around the world i met a great guy….12 years older, 2 kids, nice wife….and i fell in love……he never talks about them, why?…….and he gets angry when i mention them….i know it should stop, i am not stupid, but he is just so much fun….i am feeling so guilty, i feel like i am gonna ruin his marriage….but maybe he is ruining it himself?……maybe wants to ruin it?….one thing is for sure if i leave he will just find someone else to cheat with…..and that is sad
I once believed in true love and that love could conquer all.I got involved with a married man four years ago, I to had a boyfriend and two kids. Neither of us know what came over us when the first intimate encounter happened.After that we comunicated by email daily for eight months.The connection became so strong that I no longer could stay in the relationship I was in at home so I ended it.The quilt was killing me as my boyfriend and I had been teenage sweethearts and best friends for 15 years.I had no expectations at all from this MM.We continued to talk and also started meeting and the connection was so strong we could not look at each other without the physical attraction.I started dating other men as I did not feel he was going to leave his wife because of the importance of social status to him.He saw me out on my first date and told me he loved me (the first time these words were exchanged)I continued to stay strong for a bit and continue dating. He ended it with his wife and I ended everything I had going on.Shortly after he told me that he needed time and space to be himself.He would hold parties at his home not invite me,never take me out in public.I was devestated, started taking medication for depression, missing work,crying in front of my kids.It was terrible.He played catch and release with me for 3 more years.I had a friend who helped me through this which then turned intimate.The MM then told me he wanted it all so I ended it with the BF and went back to him for a week.In the meantime I read his email and found that he was having contact with an old girlfriend (now married with children) who he was trying to coax into coming over to his house. It completly sent red flags up as to what kind of a human being is this and I bolted. I ran right back to the BF. After that the MM started making my life hell.Showing up in my driveway while the new BF was there,calling and asking him to speak with me.Calling me at work crying and begging.I was trying to play peacemaker in that I didn’t want anyone to be hurt. A month or so later I realized I did truly love the MM and left the boyfriend again only to have the MM say Nope! This has gone on for over four years and I have no doubts in my mind that love is involved in affairs but the way they are handled should really tell you a lot about the person and how they would be in a relationship with you. It is heartwrenching. It seems the other woman is needed at times but not truly wanted most of the time.
wow – it is so nice to finally find a corner of the internet for other OW who are not judged!
i am 36 and have been with my MM for 2.5 years. He says he will leave his wife when his kids are ready (they are 3yrs and a baby of 3mths – they didnt think she could hav more kids so didnt take precautions….i dont waste time any more trying to work out if thats a lie or not – last november was a very painful time….)
I left my hubby about 6 weeks ago, i just couldnt go on with the lying and cheating. he doesnt seem to mind and the marriage is dissolving with the faint interest it was conducted (i havent told him abt the affair)….my teenage kids think we are on a break as i live near by and they treat it like we have two homes – so no nasty split and no mentally scarred kids, and i thank the gods for that every day.
I ask my MM if he really will leave his wife and he categorically states that he really will…when the time is right. Im not stupid, so i know to judge this on what i think. But why are head and heart so intent on disagreeing.
But my situ is slightly different in that i dont really know if i want him to leave (typical woman!).
We talk EVERY week day, 45mins on a morning, 1hr at lunch and 30mins at teatime, and any chance he can call. We get to spend one full day a month together which is AMAZING. and we spend 4-5 hours a week together, just shopping or the cinema/bowling etc.
I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me 100%, he tells me at least once a day.
but now that ive separated from my hubby i have all that MM love and loads of independance too. I do what i want when i want and no hassel. Do i really want to give that up and have him come to me full time? and if not, why do i seek reassurance that he will leave her?!
so i guess i need to know:
1. do you think he would really leave his wife one day?
2. am i stupid for wanting him to
3. is it unrealistic to think this situ will persist and ill stay happy?? (which as any OW knows, the lows are as extreme as the highs..)
Id love to hear your opinions if you wont judge me (and will politely decline to answer anyone who does) at tiamoorework at hotmail dot co dotuk.
But thanks, for just putting ‘pen to paper’ in this little corner. its nice to know im not the only one…. π
well my situation isn’t quite as bad as some of the rest of you…i’m 21 and i’ve only just started seeing a guy from work who isn’t married but has been with his gf for 4 years and has just moved in with her. we meet up once a week and have been sneaking kisses at work but can’t exchange mobile numbers or email cos his gf might find out, so we can only talk at work which again is really risky cos people are starting to suspect things. he says to me that after christmas he’ll break up with her cos at the minute she’s in the mode of ‘our first christmas in our new house’ so it’ll kill her if he does it now. the thing is its totally killing me that he goes home to her and i can’t even ring him or kiss him or hold him when i want and she gets to do all that. i asked him if he felt guilty about what we were doing and he said he does a bit but he feels more guilty towards me when he’s with her. now i might be being totally naive but i think we’re gonna really get together cos everytime we see each other we like each other more. i haven’t told him how much its killing me and stuff, in fact i was thinkin about stopping it until he’s actually broken up with her. i’m still undecided about that though cos i don’t know if it’ll be worse doing what we’re doing now or not being able to be with him, even to share him with his gf, at all until after christmas or however long it takes him to break up with her. another bad point is he might think i’m giving him a kind of ultimatum, as in ‘we can’t see each other anymore until you’ve broken up with her’ and i don’t wanna put him under pressure cos that might mess it up completely. god my head is sooo messed up at the minute, i just don’t know what to do
I’m not naive. I’ve always known things like this existed, but I guess I just never thought that I would actually become an OW. I’m a 23 yr.old college student, currently seeing my instructor from my past two semesters. He is 26 yrs. old, and just recently married 4 months ago. We’ve become friends over the past semesters, and at the time they weren’t married yet, but recently things have gotten more than just being friends and we find ourselves sneaking off somewhere to spend time together. This guilt is just eating me up. I also have a boyfriend who isn’t around much at the moment because of work, which makes it even easier to hide around.
At first, i wasnt too concerned. I thought it was just something for the moment. They fight. I’m around, and he runs to me. Fine i could handle that. I wasnt expecting anything out if this anyway. I have told him this is something we can’t make a habit. However, our conversations are getting more emotional, unlike before where it was just a bunch of jokes, and intellectual stimulating topics. He’s second guessing his marriage, which i must say, has not been very long. There is no such thing as divorce where we’re at. I dont want him to leave his wife either.
I just have no idea how to end this. We see each other in campus. He calls me. Texts me. E-mails me. I wanna end it but i dont know how and part of me still dont want to because i do enjoy the time spent together, especially the conversation. But I know it has to end. Anyone have ideas how to end it gently?
I’ve read all of these and I know you’re all right but I don’t know how to break the cycle I’m in because for some reason I don’t want to. I’m in love with a MM who has 3 kids and have been for 5 years. I left my husband for him in 2003. We have this connection that keeps us coming back to each other. The last time we got back was in July this year . He said he wasn’t prepared to live his life without me and that all the reasons he gave me for not leaving before – he could deal with this time. I believed him. He has told me he needs to do it his way for the sake of his kids as if his wife finds out he’s leaving to be with me again ( yes – she knows about me!), she’ll stop him from seeing them and life will be awful for them and him. His way was to move out of the family home and buy himself another house where he could spend time with the kids and get them used to the idea. Sounds like a reasonable idea but when he moved out before, he totally absorbed himself into his kids and we hardly saw each other. It was awful. He said it was the guilt and he just needed to do it. We kept arguing and he decided he couldn’t do it after all and went back to his wife to have the family unit. That was 2 years ago and we’ve back and forwards ever since. His wife got pregnant again and while he said she tricked him, she wanted another baby in her life and so their baby boy was born last August. He left her to come back to me while she was pregnant but sure enough – went back before she gave birth. He came back again 2 months later with the same promises but couldn’t see it through again and went home for Christmas. When I’ve not been with him I’ve some how managed to get on with my life but it’s been so hard. I met someone this year and had lots of fun with him – but the MM came back on the scene and I dumped my guy for him again. It seems as soon as I move on and get my confidence back- he’s back and I fall for it all over again. So here we are again – but 3 months on I’m going out of my mind. I ask him most days what progress he’s made and we just end up arguing. Last weekend I decided I’d give him an ultimatum – move in with me lock stock and barrel – and be honest with his wife and tell her and we can work things out from here, together – or it’s over. I’ve never given him one before. Yesterday was D Day. He came over – without his bags and said he couldn’t give me what i wanted. He said he couldn’t risk not seeing his kids which would happen if he moved in with me and he had to protect them as much as he could. He says he’s still leaving her but needs to do it – “his way”.
I feel lost. i wish I had never done it cos I feel – God help me – it’s better to have him in my life in some way however crap – than not at all. What kind of person does that make me?
You all talk about strength and self worth – but right now I don’t have much of either and I want him back. I feel like a desparate weak woman with no pride and I just want to either rewind or fast foward. Anything but be here right now.
I think we all need to be stronger women. Men are totally different creatures from us. I have spent 6 years picking the wrong men, with the last relationship ending badly just afew days ago, when I found out I was the other women. I make no judgements on women, who can do this, but I know for me, it kills your soul!… because the closer you become to someone, the more your going to want them… Lea I read your situation, and my advice, quit while your ahead, before you get too hurt… It’s hard being treated badly when you love someone, but you do get through it… it just takes time.
Really love this site!
My situation isn’t as bad as some of the stories on here. I’m 26, been the OW for almost 6 months now. Guy isn’t married, been with the girlfriend for a little over a year. He pursued me; I had no interest for months. Situation is a little different (or, at least that what he tells me) – says he is ‘stuck’ in his other relationship b/c his family is more in love with her than he is (also, it’s a race & religion issue). Tells me I’m the only one in his life he can ‘talk to openly’ and that he wishes he’d met me sooner. From the start, we said it’d be physical, no emotions attached, but I think we both know that’s not true. I’ve told myself that I will not allow this to stop myself from living my life (i.e. finding another, available guy who can make me happy). And I am open to it, but I really care for him and want to see where it goes. He doesn’t treat me badly, but the attention has been dropping off. When I am with him, it is clear he wants more than a just a physical relationship. He has alluded to wanting to meet my family, and has offered to introduce me to his siblings. It is a constant game of tug-of-war between us – we each give a little and then get scared and back off. I know this is unhealthy. Any advice?
I think the question we are all asking here is ‘why do we do it?’ If you truly love someone, you would do anything for them and do anything to be with them. Why then, are these men not reciprocating that?
Also, if we did end up in a relationship with them and they cheated…HOW WOULD WE FEEL??? Be honest. I would be devastated, hurt, humiliated, heartbroken. But, what we are saying is, ‘we have reasons why it’s okay to make another woman feel like this by having affairs with their loved ones.’
I know its hard. I know its utterly heartbreaking. But the bottom line is, where is OUR self-worth? Why do we not believe we are worth more than this? That we deserve someone wonderful, who WANTS to be with us, no matter their history or circumstances. We all have baggage after all. But a man with an ex-wife and kids may be looking to make a fresh start and re-build a happy life with someone else. A man with a current family, no matter the state of the relationship, is NOT free to make a life with you. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CAN. I’m sorry to sound harsh, I guess I’m only just waking up to the fact that my self-worth, self-repect and sanity are worth more than countless nights waiting for a snatched 10 minute phone call.
I’ve been married for 19 years and have two kids. I’m 36 years old. I have condemned others for stepping outside of their relationship. And now I find myself in that very position. To a certain degree, I wonder how I even ended up here. I have a history of being abused, by both my step-father (physical, emotional, sexual) and my husband (emotional and mental). As a result, I’ve taken the abuse out on myself and am a larger woman. I never thought any other man would ever want me. And, quite frankly, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with my new lover.
I’ve known him for three years. We work on a project together for a particular organization. We’ve always been able to talk and we have always flirted with each other. I thought it was all in fun. About 2 months ago, we ended up sleeping together. He is only the second partner I have had in my entire life. It took two weeks for me to get him out of my head. We live miles apart so we can’t call one another and we don’t see each other with any regularity. Emails have always been sporatic and are still so now. I find myself longing to talk to him about anything just to keep that connection. About a week and a half ago, we slept together again. That night, I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if the first time was the last time and he told me it was up to me. He also told me he wasn’t sure how regular it would be because our lives aren’t regular. For the three days after while we were still on a weekend away on business, things were a bit awkward between us because of the people we were around. He still flirted, as did I, and you could tell the need was there between us but neither of us acted on it. I just want some sort of indication of whether or not it will happen again. I don’t want him to leave his significant other and I don’t want to run off into the sunset with him, either. I want my friend back, but with benefits on the side. I want to be able to talk to him about it yet don’t feel I can in case I scare him off.
There is one small twist to all this. There is another man, as well. Met him through the same organization and the same project. Yes, they know each other. I have slept in the same bed with him (about six months ago) and we have fooled around (not penetrative sex, though that really makes no difference). He chose not to go the distance because I am in too unstable of a situation right now in my marriage. Things cooled for several months but he has now begun chasing again. He is married with a kid. Same thing, I don’t want him to leave his wife and I’m not interested in running off into the sunset with him.
I’m not ready to leave my husband. I care for him, but I know I’m not in love with him. I also know that this is an insecurity thing, but I can call it for what it is. I also want both men in my bed (not at the same time).
I’m not sure I can handle any of this. Help.
Last winter i met an incredible guy during the ending of my relationship. It seemed so perfect because he was at the ‘end’ of his relationship with this childs mother because she kept taking off on him. We hit it off really well and ended up sleeping together and i spent the weekend at his house. A few days after this i called him and go to call back, and then found out his girlfreind had decided to return. I was hurt but tried to put the whole thing behind me. A week later he called and said he was sorry and that he had made a mistake and wanted to try it again, and that he had broke it off with her. I gave in because i really did have a thing for him so i went back. We started dating and then i found out that she had actually left on her own for another man. Once again i felt betrayed but kept it to myself, but i started to feel like he was just using me bacuse he needed someone to be there for him. He used there son to see her and she didnt want me to have anything to do with there “family” so i wasnt allowed to go anywhere with the three of them if they had to do something for there son or even allowed to meet her bacuase that was what she wanted. I got into alot of arguemtns with my boyfreind because i didnt think this was fair. I basically lived there and i was always left out of things if she was going. Finnaly the arguements got to the point i couldnt trust him anymore and he couldnt deal with the accusations. 7 months into the relationship he said she had broken up with her boyfreind and had no place to go, so she was coming back. I was complelety devestated. I was expecting it in the back of my mind but i couldnt cope with the fact of it coming true, and started to blame myself along with him for the problems we had endured leading to this dexision. I didnt see him for a month but i still had alot of things at this house so i started to contact him to retreive them. Then one night i got drunk at a freinds house and called him, and almost in a blink of an eye he was on his way to see me. We ended up having sex and started having an “affair” behind everyones back, renting hotels and meeting each other places. He said he didnt want anyone to find out because it would hurt there son, and i agreed. he said he was waiting for her to leave again so it wouldnt be on his shoulders as the one who ruined there family. a month or two later she finnaly did, but a few days later she came back. Once i realized he had let her i complelty lost it and said we couldnt see each other anymore. It was so hard because i loved him but i couldnt deal with the sneaking aroud. that lasted about a week and then things went right back to the way they were. He got sent to work 4 hours away from me for a few weeks and i thought maybe this is what i needed to get over him, and i was doing great until a few days ago when he got in touch with me and wanted me to go down and see him. i tried to say no but i just couldnt. so i drove 4 hours to see him for the weekend while he told his girlfreind he had to work all weekened and it would be a waste of time for her to come down. i just cant stand it anymore hes got me so messed up in the head no matter how much i want to end it i just CANT. can someone please help me!
2 years ago i started university. I have no choice about where i live due to my employer paying for my accom. I live in halls and it is very close knit. I made friends with a guy in my class who also lived in the same accom as me. Within a month of joining uni we became very close and began having a casual relationship. I was happy with this as i wanted no commitment at the time and i also knew he had a girlfriend and a mortgage at home. This carried on for 6 months or so and i then found out his girlfriend was pregnant. I dont know if the baby was planned but i have reasons to think it was. Anyway, i broke off the relationship. We remained good friends but had no intimate relationship. The baby was born and within a month the relationship was back on. I never thought i would get emotionally attatched and i can honestly say it was all instigated by him. But as the months have gone on i have gotten feelings for this guy. We spend mon to fri 24hrs a day together but when friday comes he goes home and i dont hear from him till he comes back sun/mon. I tried to end it last week telling him my feelings but couldnt say it to his face so i put it in writing. He made it very awkward for me to end it i.e crying etc. As it was not what i wanted either i let my feelings get the better of me and couldnt keep to it so i gave in and everything is as it was again. I am not able to give him the ultamatum because it is christmas and the first xmas with his daughter. I dont have any ill feeling towards his girlfriend and his daughter as i know it is not their fault i am in this mess but i feel very strongly for this guy. My head is very messed up at the moment. Although im in a relationhip with this guy i feel lonely when he goes home. I have also gone out with friends and they have introduced other guys to me but i am the type of person that if i like who i am with i cant look at anyone else or sleep with anyone else. It is all driving me crazy. Why is it so hard to walk away!
I have been with “tony” for a month now. when this started i knew he had a girlfriend and three kids but i still wanted him. it first was just physical but now i have really strong feelings for him. I want him to leave his girlfriend but i dont think he will b/c of the kids. he says he doesnt love her he’s only with her b/c of the kids. the thing is he spends so much time with me. calling or texting me several times a day. sometimes his girl is in the same room with him. i have met his girlfriend once and i felt so guilty. i just want to be with him, i have been around his kids and i know i could be a good mother to them but i dont know what he wants to do. i dont know if he even is thinking like that. i have been TOW alot of times. always hoping they would leave their wives/girlfriends but it never happening. i just want to be in a healthy relationship with one man who i know loves me and only me. what should i do?
I’ve always thought of myself as a strong woman but in the past few months that thought is quickly escaping me.
I was married for 8.5 year and when we decided to go our separate ways I vowed never to let anyone that close to me again (my defense mechanism). Bought my own house, drive a sports car, make good money, have a great family (no kids) and lots of friends. I should be happy right? WRONG!
IΓ’β¬β’ve dated over the past 3.5 year but no one special and I liked it that wayΓ’β¬Β¦IΓ’β¬β’m 29 now and feeling like the grieving time has come and gone and maybe itΓ’β¬β’s time to give someone a chance, not actively perusing anything but maybe time to let the old guard down just a bit.
And as luck would have it I met someone in the most unlikely of places. I was out to lunch with my cousin and he brought his friend along to kill two birds with one stone, have lunch with both of us since his time in town was limited. No problem, the more the merry! We had a great lunch and decide we would all get together when my cousin was back in town again. We exchanged phone numbers and left it at that.
He called me a few days later and we met for coffee after work. Had great conversation purely platonic and really enjoyed each others company. I never saw him as a potential love interest as he was engaged to be married. Would never do that to myself or any other woman, I know what itΓ’β¬β’s like to loose a significant other. But as everyone else on this siteΓ’β¬Β¦I fell!
I loved the attention and time spent on me. We had NO physical contact for the first month and a half because he said he didnΓ’β¬β’t want our relationship to be built on physicality. Finally after I know we both longed for the physical touch we kissed and one thing led to another that night and he stayed with me every night since then, including their wedding night. How could I be so dumb to still see him, I DONΓ’β¬β’T know!
He says he loves me like heΓ’β¬β’s not loved in a really long time and this marriage was arranged before we ever met. He says the arrangement has complications and that heΓ’β¬β’ll end it with her in 6 months to a year. Even after the wedding heΓ’β¬β’s been in my bed every night. I want to believe that this is real but IΓ’β¬β’m too confused to think straight.
She found out about me last night and now itΓ’β¬β’s all out in the open. He called to tell me right away that she knew and that she would force him to call me and end things with me. He says he needs to smooth things over because of their arrangement for at least 6 months and then we can continue as planned. He says he wants to marry me and he wants to have children with me. I want to believe that this could be the real thing but I donΓ’β¬β’t want to fool myself anymore than I already have.
So confused please help me think straight! Any advice is greatly appreciated! Nice to see IΓ’β¬β’m not the only one!
Well I’m 30 years old and this is the very first time that I have ever been to a site like this in my life. I’m really glad that there are other people I can talk to about this, because I have no one else to talk to right now and I’m driving myself absolutely crazy keeping this to myself.
About two months ago I started a new job, which I absolutely love. When I started there, I met this girl that worked in my department that made me just laugh all the time and I felt like we had been friends forever. Well shortly after I started, there was a guy friend of hers that she talked to all the time on Instant Messenger (who by the way also works in the same company-same floor–within looking distance from my desk).
Well I made a joke about her one day, about her being short, and she told her guy friend about the joke. Well apparantly, this guy disagreed with my joke “because he’s her friend” and she told me about it. So I sent him an instant message (just to joke around about what I had said to her) and thats when this whole thing started.
He is a MM that has been together with his “wife” for 14 years (not married that long though). They have 2 children together (not real young). Now I just have to say, from the first moment I met and looked at this man, I knew that I wanted him in my life always. Just the way he smiles when he’s around me, the look in his eyes when we talk, the compliments he gives and the things he says to me, makes me want to just hold him near me at all times. I feel like a part of me is missing when he’s not around. I’ve never had someone that treats me like he does or makes my heart feel like this.
I was in a relationship for a little over two years when I first started working at my new job. And before this MM and I started talking, I had broken it off with my b/f, for being too overbearing and jealous (I couldnt even go out with my sisters without him getting mad at me). Well shortly after I broke it off with him (and I do mean shortly after), this MM and I were talking all the time on instant messenger at work, taking smoke breaks together just to “look” at each other. We met secretly after work just to kiss each other. He’s the type of man that even one kiss from him, I could last for days on, just thinking about them.
Well we recently had sex and it was the best sex I have ever had in my life. It wasnt one of those things that you say was the best, just because its “new” to you. I really mean this was the best. I’ve never felt this way about someone in my life when I was around them. One look from him and I cant stop smiling from ear to ear.
Well while we were together, he told me its really weird for him, because even when he met his wife, he never felt this way about her. And its really scary for him to think that he’s been waiting all his life for someone like me. He always asks me “where I’ve been all his life” and he knew that if he had met me a long time ago, he could have been so happy with his life. And I feel the same way. Every moment he’s not with me, or I’m not talking to him just tears me up inside. Now I know this sounds so corny, but this type of thing has never happened to me before and I’m lost. He said he feels like a stranger in his own home, and he wanted to leave her (even before I came along), but I dont know what to think. I want him in my life, and I dont know how to cope with this.
We were in a restaurant at lunch time the other day, and he grabbed my hand to hold it in his and kissed it “just so people would know that I was his”. He asks me all the time what I see in him, and ladies if you saw him you would know. He’s absolutely gorgeous from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet and he’s the kindest, most sweetest man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Well back to the reason I mentioned my friend at work. Her and I went out one night (the night after I first kissed him after work). And she was really tipsy and tried to tell me that her and him were having an affair. Now mind you, she told me that they hadnt done anything yet, but they WANTED TO. She said she really likes him. But when I asked him about this, he stated that they joke around alot on instant messenger, but it was nothing more than that. He said he came outside one night from work and she was waiting in her car, for him to get off work (a whole HOUR). Well he acted like he didnt see her and went home. He said it kinda scared him a little bit (that she would be waiting on him).
Now, I’m really good friends with this girl now, and I’m thinking that she only said that to me because she may have an inkling, that him and I are talking, and is trying to scare me away from him. I told him, what she had said about having an affair with him, and he instantly wanted to confront her about that comment. I asked him not to say anything to her about us, because she’s the first real friend I’ve had in two years, and she’s just a little nutty. Although he denies ever even touching her, and swore that he’s never wanted to, hasnt and never WILL touch her. It was all in IM fun. Which I do believe.
But, do I say something to her (so I can stop hearing the comments she makes about him all the time about how she likes him)? Or should I be afraid of her saying something to someone else in the company and getting me fired, because she likes him and cant have him?
And what do I do about this??? I am definitely giving this more time to see where it goes, but PLEASE if anyone has any comments, please let me know….I’m driving myself crazy thinking about all this and missing him on top of it…
Also, as a footnote to what I just wrote. He wants to tell our friend about us. He’s wanted to since we first kissed. So I know they havent done anything together (especially if he’s the one wanting to tell her about us). And just to throw a little something extra in our mix here ladies. His brother-in-law (sits right next to him at work). ANY HELP??
This is the best site ever. Thank you so much for sharing the tips on coping. I am currently the “other woman” and I hate it. He tells me that he loves me and takes me shopping for an engagement ring and met my mother. I have had lunch with his mother and had conversations with his children…it seemed so real, but then things go back to the way they should be and he stops calling because he is with her. Then I quickly come back to reality and see that I have been used and that I truly mean nothing to this person.
Well, where to start. I’m a mess for starters. I’ve been in a relationship with my son’s father for about 12 years. A year and half ago I met a great guy online. He’s married with 2 kids of his own. We live pretty close to each other and see each other weekly. We talk while he’s at work, never on the weekends. He’s another one of these men that say that they are only in a relationship for the kids. And we both said we can stick it out til the kids get older (yeah that means 10 or more years. I have never asked him to leave because like him I’m in a relationship for my son (you know not wanting to break up the family). The problem is… for the past year and half I can’t get the other man out of my mind. He’s all I think about. We connect like I have never connected to anyone else. He makes me smile like know one else. I love this man with all of my heart and he says he loves me in turn. The problem is recently I have had thoughts of wanting to leave my current relationship for him. I don’t think he would leave her. Should I ask him and if so how? Should I walk away? What do I do? Any suggestions? Has anyone else experienced this?
I have been with my MM for over 3 years. Everything has been pretty wonderful. It was never intended that it would turn into anything more than just a sexual relationship but it did. He basically classified it as being separated but living in the same house. They did nothing together and I saw him frequently and he called constantly. As of November 1st, they had sold their house and he had been away for two months. When he came back he was not moving in with her but during the move, it came out that she has stage 3 stomach cancer that has spread to the bowel. He now is spending 24/7 taking her to appointments, chemo etc and has no time to see me and is also afraid that if he sees me he won’t stay focussed on her and her difficulties. It IS the right thing for him to do. He loves his wife..as a friend…and they were together for over 30 years so it is something he has to do. It is just so difficult to be in my position right now as I can’t contact him, can’t do anything to help and so I am an emotional wreck, along with always being depressed in December which stems from my own divorce many years ago. Is there anyone out there who has gone through anything similar? At this point, her chances are hit and miss, 50/50 but I need something to help me get through this right at the moment. I spend my free time in the dumps crying and knowing this will do no good. I try to tell myself, this is how it is going to be for quite a while possibly and just to be there as I said I would be and go on with life. Maybe if things work out we will be together again but that means I have to wish ill on someone else which is not something I am comfortable with at all. I certainly know the drawbacks of being the other woman but never thought THIS would happen. We love each other and things were looking so positive for even a short time. Can anyone relate to this??
I see so much of myself in these stories that I no longer feel quite so alone, so to start with I want to thank eveyone for being so open and honest. I’m a 24yo student who can’t seem to get away from a MM that I used to work with. 2 years ago he and I worked together and that’s originally how our fling started. At the time I was still very naiive and got entirely too emotionally attached (though we never had actual intercourse) to him even knowing going in that he would never leave his wife and daughter. So, I was actually very relieved when he broke it off 6 months later and started a new job elsewhere. Now, here I am a year and a half later, older though apparently no wiser (though I admit much less naiive and decidedly playing on my own terms) back involved with the same man. And the reason we started talking again was because he had just broken up with another OW and needed some advice. I have no designs on him, and if he ever left his wife for another woman, even me, I think I would lose all respect for him. He’s a caring, loyal friend who I also happen to have a sexual relationship with, a FWB if there ever was one. I have no idea how long it will last this time, but I’ve decided that instead of worrying about it and making myself sick (like I did the first time) that I’m going to enjoy myself and enjoy the attention he lavishes on me. I know I’m not the first nor the last woman he will cheat on his wife with so I refuse to take the attitude that I am a horrible person, because if it wasn’t me it would certainly be someone else.
Thanks so much for this site. It’s truly wonderful. I’ve been TOW for 14 months. The script is the same as everyone else on this site. We’ve been back and forth so many times, but 2 days ago I ended it again but this time there will not be any phone calls to “see how things are going.” This site has given me the strength to do the “right thing.” My details aren’t so important as they are the same as everyone elses. What I find remarkable is that all of the emotions we OW feel are so similar. Could I really have thought that I was so unique in my situation and feelings, that no one else could ever have felt like this? It’s unbelieveable how naive I was. But finding this site has truly been so helpful especially knowing I’m not alone. Thanks for the support. I find myself taking it one hour at a time, finding all kinds of things to divert myself and praying alot that I can maintain my strength and determination to “finalize” it. Best of luck to all of you.
I dont know what to do. My story is a long one but ill cut it short. I walked into his office 6 years ago as a young naive law student and he was a partner in a highly reputable firm. He became my mentor and the more time we spent together the more feelings began to develop. Eventually before i went to Uni we revealed our feelings for eachother but he said that I was too young and beautiful and I would be swept of my feet by someone better than him so we didnt get together. But i didnt want anyone better, I wanted him. He had a girlfriend at the time who became his wife last year. She cannot have children and already has a failed marriage for that reason. 3 months ago he confessed that he regrets marrying her everyday as he is inlove with me and that he suppressed his feelings all this time. I began to see him 3 months ago and gave him a deadline of middle of Dec to leave her. He said he wanted to do it properly as he didnt want his wife to think that it was because she cannot have children. Now deadline is approaching and he hasnt done it as his dad is ill and this may be his last xmas with his dad. He says he doesnt want to put his family through a divorce when they are already worried about his dad and that it will happen at the end of Jan. I dont know what to do. I dont want to leave him beacuse I love him and I believe he loves me. But at the same time I want to have some dignity(or whats left of it) and stick to my word. Will i be too insensitive to do this at this difficult time? Its too painful to think that he is still with her and its eating me yo inside that i have to go through these feelings of guilt until the end of Jan. Help!
Over the summer, I started a fling with a MM. Then, back in August, we went out one Friday night, and ended up not coming back until Sunday night.
The next day, he told his wife that it was over, and asked her to move out. That night, he moved me in.
Now I’m stuck in the role of homewrecker and evil stepmom.
The moral of the story? Even when you get what you what, you’re still gonna be stuck in the shit.
CONFUSED – I would cut it off. It’s his dad now, what’s it gonna be at the end of Jan?
Good luck, ladies.
In response to a anotherwomen’s commnentary and all the the OWs out there. You can be free and you can be whole. About 2 months ago, I did not want to leave my relationship as noted in earlier blogs-even with a baby on the way (the wife). I was not budging. But you know what, I ENDED IT! So ladies, NIKE could not have said it better, “Just do it”. Its not easy but do it-cut it off. If you stumble, cut it off again. Keep trimming till nothings left of the relationship! Please, Save yourself the continual emotional hell that follows-the mental torment of “he is loving someone else and not you.” to name one. Whoever reads this, you deserve better and you can have it, and I know you know it deep down. Its just this loser guy is in the way. I am turning back to God now, and I know I will stumble, but I have to get back up for my own sake. As women, we want to have partners that are available 24/7 for all our needs not some, and will genuinely appreciate NOT depreciate our love for them in return. For a portion of us, we want children who’s fathers are present and committed, loving, kind and honest NOT deceitful and manipulative.I have opened my eyes now and I will just have to trust God to work out all the logistics. You can still care in your heart for the person if you so desire -but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. My story echoes that of all the heroines of this website. I am the weakest chick out there where men and emotions are concerned but with a great support network I’m out and taking care of myself. So you can do it too!
100% LADIES, BEING AN OW NEVER WORKS DON’T BE FOOLED LIKE I WAS. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. Love to you all and be strong and courageous!!! Do not be ashamed you are not alone (obviously :-)) You WILL get through this and look back and marvel at your strength….
I’m new to this – am 40, have been single my whole life, and ALWAYS AVOIDED married men, like the plague. Until now. I met this guy in Sept., and we kissed passionatley in October, and I now find myself involved in a full blown affair. I’m crazy about him and he spends a great deal of time with me, and does whatever it is i need for me. He’s like hte perfect guy, except for the “being married” part. So I find myself high as a kite around him, but I also find myself starting to cry on a daily basis. I’m on this emotional rollercoaster and I’m sick to my stomach about this. I want to get out before I waste anymore time. If I ever want to have kids, I only have a couple of years left. But I’m crazy about him, and we get along amazingly on all levels – personally, and physically. I’m so drawn to him I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe that after all these years of avoiding this situation, I find myself in it now. Reading some of these blogs gave me strength, so I thought maybe writing one would, too. Thanks.
I have a question but not sure how to word it… I’ll give it a shot. When a man says he is in his marriage for his children but tells you that he loves you and really hopes to have the dream with you someday does do you think that he ever will leave? If he hasn’t left by now he probably won’t, right? Am I hanging onto something that is a dead end road? I need guidance from everyone. please help me out because I can’t handle my own thoughts anymore. All I have thought about for the past year and half is this man.
Hopeless……if it’s been a while chances are he won’t leave his wife. He’s keeping you on the hook with a promise of a life together with him. there is every chance that even though he says he’s staying married for the sake of the kids, he’s having his cake and eating it.
I met this guy 6 months ago through a mutual friend. We almost hit off immediately.. but in a very friendly way.. He was funny and corny just as I am.. and we always ahve fun together doing the crazy things. We both have many similarities and common hobbies.. so we spend alot of time together doing them. Soon teh chemistry grew and one day.. we had sex.. it was a spontaneous.. just happened kinda thing.. and i thought i could deal with it no strings attached.. but getting to know him more and more everyday… the webs started to spin and we grew attached to each other without realising it. His best friend.. well they are very close and he is alwasy affected by her moods and their arguments. I ahve always been tehre to comfort him though it.. The thing i didnt know was she was not just his bestfriend.. but.. He made a promise to her (before he met me) that when he was finally ready to start a relationship.. That they would see each other. Well i was totally oblivious to it.. until one day he confessed his love for me.. and saying he didnt know when he started feeling this way but he loves me.. I loved him too. Then his bestfriend came into the picture saying i was the other woman etc. Ahe made him choose between me and her.. like an ultamatum.. So since chronologically she came first.. I told my man i’d back off, not because i didnt love him as much.. but because i didnt know what to do.. if i should fight for him or not.. Now they’re seeing each other for about a month.. I want to be happy for them.. and stay out of things.. but it seems so hard to let go of all emotions. He still calls me.. and we’d delude ourselves now and then. I tried being mean and cutting ties.. it didnt work.. He tried cutting ties as well and that didn’t work out. I beelieve we’re both very in love but we can’t be together.. and that sucks. Our mutual friends told me that he’s been really down and he is still very much in love with me.. (wel i am in love with him too still) but.. if he could keep their “relationship” under the wraps.. or still “cheat on her” with me while being with her.. he could do that to me too! i can’t trust him as much.. but oh well i don’t know what to do.. I know.. everyone says.. GET OUT OF IT.. and MOVE ON!! I can’t deal with being the other woman anymore.. I love him and wanna see him. but if i don’t.. i don’t think i should still hang around.. but it’s just sooo hard!!!!! =(
*adding on to what i just said..
Actually.. After reading about the other ladies… I think none of us are really the EVIL OW like on TV.. we all just.. found love at the wrong places.. the wrong time.. or rather the wrong man.Admitting to being the other woman.. i think we all desereve a clap.. but doing something about it and suffering that crazy amount of pain.. Those who’ve done it. I dont know how.. I applaud you… in fact.. standing ovation! Teach me.. Cuz I dont wanan suffer the hurt anymore. I keep thinking if he really wanan be with me.. he would’ve.. then i also ahve the maybe we could just be friends again… but i know.. the feeling’s too deep and it’ll be almost impossible to keep a clean cut friendship anymore. TEACH ME!! i need to block out those crazy emotions..
Here’s my story of being the other woman. Earlier this year at the age of 59 I received an email from my first love, we were devoted to each other for 2-3 years when we were 13 – 16 years old. Our parents were instrumental in splitting us up as we were so young. He just wanted to make contact, he said, from middle-aged nostalgia, and had Googled my name and found me. Of course in the intervening 43 years we had both married others, have grown children, and in his case grandchildren. Now I’m divorced and living with a nice man in a celibate partnership of 27 years, quite contentedly I thought. My old love declared up front he was happily married. He has made a great success of his life and has quite a public profile. We live in different cities and exchanged lots of emails which got both hot and very loving, and were both enchanted with the people we had become. Of course we found a way to meet for dinner in a hotel room, both thinking we may not like what we see, but ready for what may come. It took about 3 minutes for us to realise we still had the same physical attraction and the love for each other as we once had. And in the intervening years we had learned a thing or two about sex and loving that needed to be expressed. So, in up to our necks. As time went by it was plain the sex was more important to me than to him, but there were only 3-4 opportunities for that. He is extremely
romantic and loved that part of our relationship, felt I was the one he was always meant to be with. I discovered I could write a decent very personal and erotic poem or two, which he loved. We discovered we knew how each other ticked, didn’t have to learn it, were amazed at how well we understood each other didn’t have to explain stuff. He got more out of our emails than I did, whereas I wanted physically to see him. But he is fundamentally a staunch family man (as I knew – from a closeknit family of 10 children who lived along the street from me) and loves his wife and family and found the deception difficult. Basically, things had just got stale in his marriage was all. His wife found out he was having an affair after 2-3 months, was able to find out who I was, and confronted him. So did his children. He broke down, not being able to lie anymore, and told her he was emotionally involved and then spent several days, including being hauled off to a counsellor, deciding which of us to be with. He had already told me he could live with me, and this is what he said to her in a fit of astonishing honesty. That was a hard time, neither his wife nor I emotionally able to take control of his decision. He asked in some anguish is it possible to love two women. Well in this case, yes, it is.
She was his faithful wife of 35 years who had helped him to become the success he is. He chose her. That was tough for me, but the right decision for him to take, consistent with his character and I respected him for that. And I knew I’d never be accepted by his family and friends, nor did I want the social expectations that would accompany being with him, nor in fact any expectations about my playing a domestic role, something I don’t need to do much of with my partner. We agreed never to have contact again. So painful for his family, and I. I grieved big time. I still do two months after it cam to a close. I told my partner who has been the most amazingly understanding and lovely man about it. But the fact is I love my first love. It’s Christmas and after two months of no contact yesterday I succumbed to emailing him a one line Christmas greeting. He rang me immediately. A lovely tender call, but to say no emails, too dangerous and potentially too painful for his family and he can’t bear to cause them more pain. That if his wife knew he was talking to me again she would leave him the same day. He said the past weeks had been the most stressful time he’s ever experienced, his wife and children still angry with him. But he remains determined to make his marriage work. But he said he thinks of me constantly, every day, as I do him, and he still cares about me. He suggested we talk sometimes, only on the phone, perhaps on special occasions. (By which I guess he means, our birthdays and xmas.) I’m so happy that he still thinks of me, I’m still special to him, that someone wants me in that way and thinks I’m fabulous (at 59!). But it’s so bitter-sweet. I want to be with him, yet I don’t. He’s the boy I loved, but he’s also become a successful and well respected, delightful man moving in a social orbit outside anything I could handle. I just want there to be a world where I can be his lover and it’s acceptable to have one, and to visit him for the odd weekend, and to know when he’s ill or unhappy and be lovely to him when his wife is angry with him. But I need to take little steps to putting this all in perspective, move on, and get back to enjoying the life I have, as does he. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how I’m feeling, this phone call has freshened it all up. And now I’m hoping again for something, I don’t know what, to happen next so I might get to see him again. And it’s true that when you’re older these things are harder to bounce back from. I’ve cried rivers. And I’d do it all again.
I like many other women have been caught in this “triangle”. Just a few days ago though is when I decided to leave after almost a year and a half into the relationship. Just like many other women I was lied to in the beginning and didn’t find out that he had a wife until about 6 months into the relationship. I decided to stay after I had a conversation with both he and his wife and both concluded that they were going to get a divorce. Here I am almost six months later, pregnant with his child, and he is not one step closer to being divorced. Actaully, two days ago is when I found out the news that he has decided to be with his wife once again. My advice to those of you who are out there and not sure whether or not you want to leave…LEAVE! Its the best thing that you can do for yourself. You don’t want to get “caught up in the situation” and have to live with what I go through everyday, knowing that I am carrying for a “man” that has a wife. The last thing that you want to do is bring an innocent child into a situation thats already jacked up!
Great site. I started dating a man – thought he was only mine. We dated for 3 months before he told me about the exgirlfriend who was still living with him, but moving out. She did move out and for a brief 6 months I was the only one. Boy did I fall for him. He started with the lies again and I ended it. He begged for me to come back and I refused. Eventually we tried the “friend” thing. We started sleeping together – I knew fully he was with someone else. I just found out that someone else is having his baby – he loves me he says, but its complicated. I keep letting him into my life and am thinking of asking him to father my child. I can’t believe what I’m doing. The guilt is tremendous – but I can’t stop myself from seeing him.
Just so you know it is not one sided …
I am “the other man” in a relationship. The woman is my childhood sweetheart and I have missed her for 30yrs. We have been together for almost a year and it has been a nightmare roller coaster ride. I am seperated, she says she stays married for the kids sake.
I am sitting here on my own writing this because she was supposed to be with me today. Last night she said her husband went out (with my brother – see below) and planned a late start this morning so she didn’t know if she could come over. I sent her a text this morning and it was delivered about 30 minutes ago but she has not yet responded – it was a poem. I feel pathetic to be sitting here on the verge of a breakdown because she has not responded to a text (and this is not the first time me).
I have told no-one about our relationship.
I feel she is in total control of if and when we meet.
I avoid family and friends to make sure I am free for her.
She won’t forgive me for being with a younger woman after I seperated though she had an affair with my brother only because “it was a moment of madness” (her son was seriosly ill for extended period) and he reminded her of me and supported her.
I can’t dump her because I love her and I won’t hurt her.
I feel she lies to me but I put it down to paranoia – I have never caught her out on a lie but then there is never much opportunity to.
She asked me to be honest with her and have no hidden agendas then takes offence when I am honest and has been really upset saying “you should have lied to me to save my feelings”
I have 11 people for dinner on Christmas day and have no interest what so ever in it. We have not been together for over week and when I asked her yesterday what was happening about today she said I was putting her under pressure.
My head is just wrecked at the thought that she might be ignoring me and that I might not see her or be with her over Christmas. I am alone.
I am supposed to be working until I started googling “coping w/ being the other woman” and here I am. It feels like home. I didn’t realize that I was the other woman, until I started reading AND I AM an addict of emotionally unavailable men.
I have been having an affair w/ my ex boyfriend for the past few months… well I have suspected he has had a girlfriend for the past 5 mos but we have been sleeping together randomly since April. The girlfriend who he also lives w/ was confirmed in the past 5 mos. It has gotten heavy & emotional w/in the past 2mos.
I have been off & on w/ him for 6yrs. This man is my heart. I have spent the better part of my 20’s loving & completely adoring him. He was my boyfriend, we met in 2001 & fell in love, broke up, but still talked… He has burned me a few times when he has met other women & stopped talking to me completely but he has always come back. I have gotten over him soooooo many times, but always let him back in. He even lived w/ me for 6mos in 2004 but I kicked him out after I found a hotel receipt in his pocket.
Oh *wow*… wirting this down hurts soooooo bad. My heart is literally aching & I feel choked up in my throat & I want to go home & cry & cry & cry. WHAT AM I DOING? WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF? WHY AM I CONTINUING THIS PAIN?? I DO THIS TO MYSELF!
So… he appeared again in April & wanted to say good-bye (come over & fuck) before he moved. (1hr away) So… I let him. He was drunk & I was sick & he told me about her… He said I met this girl & she has money (he has always thought that was the answer to everything) and “I AM NOT HAPPY”. I remember… I said “She will never love you as much as I do”… Then he said that she is always thinking I am going to cheat on her… Maybe that is why he came over… to cheat because she always said he would… And then he was gone & I was fine.
I dated a wonderful man from Russia who rocked my world, saw a few other guys who treated me well & who I was into… so when he came back, started calling & such, I would talk to him but I would stand him up, ignore his calls & avoid seeing him when he was “free”. Until I gave in… mostly for the sex… and I didn’t care… Until all my little boyfriends were gone & there was just him like always & it feels soooo comfortable & he is telling me all the things I wanted to hear SO long ago.
He tells me he loves me, and we will get married & have babies. Tells me I am the perfect person for him & he’s in this situation because of money & his mortgage & her helping w/ expenses. And I lie & tell him I will move to the town he lives in… He calls me on his way to work, way home & on his lunch. And sees me in the morning every other weekend when he is in town dropping off his son for weekend visits w/ his mom. Not only are we having sex, we are having an emotional relationship. Which is worse. For all of us.
It is hard to know I AM the other woman. There was a time when I wasn’t but I put myself into this role. I tried to pretend the girlfriend wasn’t real & this is okay becuz he was mine first. She’s not real to me… but I keep torturing myself w/ thoughts about her & their life together. I can’t fool myself into thinking they are totally on the rocks. He is spending Christmas w/ HER not ME. He is spending nites w/ her not ME.
He called me yesterday to tell me he is “free” tonite but this morning he said that he can’t stay the nite. So that is not free. He is not free. And neither am I.
This is the most painful thing I can do to myself. And I don’t know why I continue to do this. It is awful…
Back to work…
Hi Icarus,(who’s flown too close to the sun), I was wondering whether any men posted on this site. I’m the woman whose first love contacted me and started a bonfire (Dec 19th post). Meeting your childhood sweetheart again is a particularly poignant and explosive experience.
I’m supposed to be making Xmas nice for people too and can’t be bothered. Icarus, she may not have responded cos it simply wasn’t safe then. It’s fairly unlikely you’ll see much of her during a busy family oriented season. Force yourself, and focus on entertaining your 11 people (lucky to have so many to entertain!). We, and most others who post their stories here, have other people who need something from us as much as we crave something from someone who can’t give us what we want most. If nothing else, it passes the time and forces you out of your own head space! I’ve been tearful this week – reviewing my last lovely conversation with him over and over in my head. I decided the only thing to do is to try and not make other people miserable because I’m being a sad sack for some reason. Sometimes if you make yourself smile, it becomes easier to do and you get to feel happier in yourself. Least, that’s what I’m hoping will happen!
I am 22 years old. My boss, 10 years elder, initiated romantic contact with me. Long story short, his 7 year relationship to another woman was doing terribly. He left her for me after a month. We were together for nine months (over this period of time, conflict arose in my personal life and he was there for me 100%: my father died, I totaled my car, etc). I could never shake the distrust of his previous infidelity with his ex-girlfriend. We were about to move in together when he found out I had made several calls to his ex (under false pretenses). Long story short, he broke up with me. Two weeks later, he initiated romantic contact with me. This has been going on for 4 months now. I believe/know he is in a relationship with her whereas I am the “other” woman. My questions: Why is he doing this to his ex and now current girlfriend? What are his intentions? What should I do? I know I feel hurt and want to tell his ex that we’ve continued to sleep together after all this time, but I pause, knowing it’s out of malice towards myself and him. What should I do? I never thought I would ever be in this situation.
These stories are remarkable. Thank you. I’ll now add mine, for I’m one of the hopeful ones who is taking a different road tonight, thanks to what I’ve read here.
This morning, my MM sent me a note describing the guilt that he was now beginning to feel acutely as a result of our relationship, and the pain and confusion that was beginning to settle in as he grapples with the dilemmas our professed desire to share life together presents his married self with.
He and I still have all the “good things” going for us – the true love (and it is), the respect, the honor – save the indiscretion of our brief but intense and wonderful affair – the honesty, the play, the soulmatedness and fatedness – and we’ve not yet begun the pendulum swing that too many of the commenters above have shared, back and forth between the stay-or-go twilight world too many of you describe, for in our few-month-old relationship this is our first moment of real ‘comeuppance’ where the cards are almost out on the table and the time to lay out our hands is nigh.
And now that he contemplates out loud the prospect of leaving his wife, asking – well, pondering aloud really, but begging the questions – when is the “right time”, what would “hurt the least”, and how to “do it best” – and now that I’m hearing him properly (for he’s a good man, and this isn’t the first time it’s been mentioned, but I haven’t wanted to hear) it’s clear that he and I are standing on a slippery slope and to continue the deception with his family any longer is unhealthy for everyone concerned.
Before I connected with this site (thank Google!) my response to his very understandable and honorable worries about his life/marriage predicament might have been any number of what now seem like ‘canned’ replies, only because every script possible has been fully described by one of you here!
Every script save one, that is – and I’m hoping that I’ll be the one in a hundred – or the one in a million – that he claims that I am (and that one percent that this blog claims are the women that the MM actually do leave to join), and that I’ll have a new option of responses to support you here in this treasure trove of commentary that we all learn from when he responds rightly to my move on the chess board and chooses to join me.
That’s my prayer – and I’m sure it’s one you all know, probably much too well.
Tonight I’m preparing a reply to his note. I’d started it originally hoping to soothe him, but by the end of my reading this post I realized I have a bigger job to do. It’s not one I’m particularly happy about, because I would go on a bit longer in our bliss-world if I could – it’s wonderful here, and I’m not ready to leave! – and yet it’s been he who’s raised the spectre of his guilt and his dilemma (for I haven’t wanted to push it), and to gloss over it now, to ignore it, to refuse to take the proper fork in the road when the choice is offered – no, required – would be to start my own self down an irredeemable route that will only grow more painful. Best to take the right road now and save everyone the trouble in the future, growing my soul in the process.
So, I’ve written and shared this site with him (perhaps he’ll read this – perhaps he’ll wonder if this comment is ‘me’ – and perhaps things will go well, and all will be right in the end…). In my note I cite a number of other links that discuss soulmates, divorce, the personal cost of staying in the wrong relationship, and the importance of honesty (for I don’t mind weighting the deck just a tad in my favor – I’m not impartial, after all!!).
I read things at those links about integrity and truth that resonated with me, and I have to let them resonate and allow them to be real – if I don’t, life is just not that interesting.
And if I believe in the values I profess to hold – if I believe that honesty is important; if I believe that it is wrong to hurt innocent people in pursuit of my own gain; if I believe in only doing what I want others to do unto me – then life has given me a wonderful opportunity to express my beliefs, trusting that all will come out right in the end.
And so I tell him that it’s time to make his choice.
I have to tell him that I will not go into the new year with a deception in my life. I don’t have to see his wife and so I don’t have to live that every day, but he does, and so he commits deceptions in my name.
I have to tell him that he means more to me than almost anything in the world, but that not even he, if he loves me, would want me to be in this situation, and that I, of course, loving him completely cannot bear to see him in what will only be increasing pain over this untruth.
In my note to him I did my best to reinforce the love I feel for him, and to be clear that I wasn’t issuing an ultimatum (except for to the extent that any choice made by another becomes one for you if their act causes/moves you to respond.).
I truly believe he is my “One.” There’s no doubt in my mind.
I won’t cut him off from contact. I won’t be emotionally distant. I will be fully present and not back off in the least. I won’t be any ‘less’ in any way in the immediate future. But there is now a ‘date’ in my mind. He has the month of January to take a position and I will support him every step of the way. But he has to take the steps away from her and toward me, firmly, or there’s no point in going on. None.
I understand the pitfalls more clearly now. There is a line in the sand.
But there’s a catch I think you might enjoy. I won’t send this note til Sunday night – New Year’s Eve – (but I will post this comment now.)
In between now and Sunday night, I will practice something new I learned a few days ago. It’s at Joe Vitale’s website:
http://www.mrfire.com/article-archives/new-articles/worlds-most-unusual-therapist.html
It’s a technique to get the Universe to start co-conspiring with you to create a more positive outcome for yourself. It means that I can have at least 48 hours to have a go with god and see if we can’t tweak this thing to have an even kinder outcome, for it would, of course, be the absolute best if HE decided to make the choice without ME having to prod (at least not so’s he’d notice, and prayers – especially with a time crunch that even god could sympathize with – should at least be given a chance to do their work, too.)
Sometimes we strong women end up as TOW with emotionally distant men precisely because we don’t give them enough room to act, in their own time, but are continuously figuring it all out in advance, sorting it to a tee, and then frustrated when the other doesn’t take timely initiative. Ironic, isn’t it, that we end up giving them too much time after all is said and done??? So, this is my way of being subtle and letting god and the angels take a hand, “telling him how it needs to be” if he doesn’t get the picture through the aether, and then letting go if it comes to that.
I do hope it doesn’t, but I see the wisdom in taking action if it does.
Anyhow, thanks for letting me add another bit of yarn to the tapestry here.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Sometimes i think it’d be easier to be her than to be the ow at least she knows nothing I have to know that every morning he wakes up in bed with her and not with me. Married men say all the right things cause that’s all they’ve got to offer we don’t get the dinners the movies shopping that’s all her territory. At the end of the day for the few hours of amazing there’s so many of heartache. I’m crazy about my mm but if he loved me would he put me through this?? It’s such a lonley place to be when you need them they’re never there mostly it’s always on their terms. Is it all really worth it, I wish I could see int the future cause right now it’s a world of hurt…..
Hi everyone. I hope,despite the issues everybody talks about here, we all had a good Christmas? Christmas was a good one for me, but it’s tomorrow night that I’m not looking forward to. Im not the biggest fan of New year’s Eve anyway, but especially not this year. So Im gonna show my face at my friends party and then take off pretty early. Can’t face the thought of being told by drunken friends ‘we’ll fix you up next year!!’ If only they knew!So, i propose, anyone on this site who wants to organise a OW New years bash next year say ‘ay’! BUT NONE OF US WILL BE IN THIS SITUATION NEXT YEAR, GOT THAT?!!Happy New Year everyone, hope its a wonderful one, peace and love xxxxxx
After a year and half I finially ended yesterday. We are both in relationships with other people and we both stated that we were in it for our children. But recently I have felt the desire to take our part time relationship and have it become more. I know he would never do this. After months of having to deal with the pain of knowing that I would never have more I have decided to walk away. I’m hurting inside like you would never believe and question if I did the right thing. I’m at the point where I can’t help him out in his life anymore because every time he talks about “her” it just reminds me of my dream that I will never get.
I could no longer deal with the thoughts in my head and knew I only had 2 options. Walk away or stay and continue to torture myself, thinking about what they were doing together and how she was living my dream.
This time I told myself that I’m staying away for good, I just hope that I can. I’m not really a strong person and I’m full of heart ache.
Can anyone out there help me through this? What can I do to get me through this? Please help me, anyone.
Life can really suck sometimes….
Good for you heartbroken. Please try to tough it out. I wish I had your strength. I’m still seeing my guy. I can’t understand how I can allow myself into this – he doesn’t talk to me about his other life at all, but does try to come and see me at least once a week. I am totally in love with him and I don’t understand how I can let this keep happening.
I’ve been seeing an engaged man for a few months. I KNEW he was engaged when we became friends and things started developing. Until now, I’m so stunned that things turned out like this.
I gave him an ultimatum and of course, he chose his fiancee. But like a fool, I still hope that he can change his mind if he gets to know me even better. I know – and I’m truly hoping – that he’s not yet ready to get married. I don’t care if I become an excuse for him to not take the plunge. I just want him not to make that irreversible mistake. And then when he’s single, he could think of me.
I know that I’m being stupid and stubborn. But that’s all I want. I just want to give us a chance, but I want it to be clean. Is it too late? Am I crazy?!?
I wonder if my mm will ever come after me. I guess deep down inside I wish that he would, at least then I would know that he truly does have feelings for me.
It’s 3 days and I still don’t know how I’m going to make it through this.
Heartbroken, I speak from experience with this post as I was foolish enough to be TOW for 18 months. Whilst some relationships work out in the end from this situation they are in the very firm minority. If a guy is going to leave someone and be with you, he won’t leave it so long that it will do untold damage on you and on the other person. When this situation drags out it’s because they’re essentially having their cake and eating it.
It’s not easy to walk away but it is very possible, but it takes sheer will power and pain. Don’t tell yourself that you’re not strong. Find a hidden strength within. This is about putting you first and recognising that you are being thrown the crumbs. You wouldn’t be walking away if you were happy with the situation. The first month is going to be hard but there is a day when you wake up and suddenly realise that you’re OK. 3 days is not enough. Keep busy, see friends, family, work, or like some women, see a therapist to get to the root of why you’re in the situation. To get past this, you need self love and support from those around you, even those who don’t know they are giving it.
I met him about 5yrs ago, after being with him for a year i got pregnant, on my 8th month he had to go home to asia to renew his contract, he was there for a while coz there we’re problems with his dad.
So he met this girl got her pregnant and had to marry her on the spot ( as stupid as it sound in our country usually wen u get someone pregnant u’ll be pressured to marry them i know that’s not an excuse), knowing that i immediately broke my heart coz i loved him so much, but even so i know there’s nothing i could do to change things and so i did the hardest thing i could do i stopped all communications with him ( having a new born baby didn’t make things easier too), changed adress, email and phone number, that was more than 3 yrs ago our son will be turning 4 in a few months, i do know that all this years he’s been looking for us ( and yes all these years sadly to say i still do love him so).
Late last year i dnt know how he got my new addy and fone number, he called me wanted to see his son, i won’t usually have any problems with this coz he’s his son too im aware of that. But he then told me that he still loves me and never stopped looking for us and this and that… i have been resisting him for 3months and i dnt know wat to do coz i do still love him and a month ago i got a fone call from his wife telling me to leave him alone when it’s him who won’t let me be, ironically im the other women coz we both know that i was first.
I’m not even giving me or him any excuse and i don’t have any either, im lost i don’t know wat to do or i think i do give him up for the second time around and it’s not fair when i know that im the one who’s gonna suffer again and my our son in all that too.
Please help coz everyday im trying to find an excuse to take him back but i dont coz i know it’s not right and im afraid that one day i wont do the right thing…
New Years has brought no resolution to me being the other woman. I still am & it is still horrible… but I’ve seen him every week & am still floating from the high of being w/ him.
I have just added this post https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-with-and-getting-over-a-married-manattached-man/ for anybody who wants some thoughts on breaking up and moving on. Thanks for sharing all of your stories and insight and keep it coming. NML, the editor and author x
Well I caved in today and called him. He didn’t pick up his phone at work so I left him a message. I didn’t ask him to call me back…. just said that I wanted to hear his voice and was hoping that he was doing ok. He didn’t call me back, I knew he wouldn’t but at the same time was hoping that he would.
I think I have made the biggest mistake ever by ending it and telling him I did because I wanted more and didn’t want him to have to decide. I regret what I did but can’t take it back now.
All I can think about is emailing him tonight and calling him in the morning to see if he wants to meet up during his lunch. My day of vacation and I would love to see him…. What a mess I have gotten into.
I’ve been the OW for a little over a year, I fell in love with a MM who had a 4 year old and baby on the way – these facts alone should have been enough for me to run a mile, but for some reason I didn’t, I rushed headlong into a relationship based selfishly on my feelings for him. I was falling in love, that just took precedence over reason, over everything. I’ve never been in love before, this felt so overwhelming, I lost all judgement and perspective. He told me all the usual things about how awful his marriage was, they were more like friends who argued, they hardly ever had sex, they didn’t have a proper husband/wife dynamic etc. etc. He told me he loved me, he knew he should be with me, but it wouldn’t be overnight as he couldn’t face leaving his family and being a part-time dad. To be fair, he never said explicitly that he would leave his family for me, although he told me not to give up on him, to wait for him and so on. I fell for it all. I actually started to feel slightly more relaxed about the situation in the last few months, in between the regular bouts of sobbing and feeling lonely and desperate that is. Then 3 weeks ago without any warning whatsoever he stopped all contact with me. No explanation, nothing “happened”, we hadn’t argued, nothing had changed – just silence. I am devastated, and despite all the advice telling me not to, I haven’t been able to stop myself from e-mailing him several times (each one becoming slightly more hysterical and desparate than the last), wanting an explanation. I know that I have lost a huge amount of self-respect by doing this, I am just so confused and hurt, I can’t stop crying. How can he be so cruel after saying he loved me, we’d always be best friends no matter what etc. etc.?? I know all the warning bells were there from the start, I am just devastated at the callous and heartless way he has treated me at the end of it – I would still be devastated if he properly ended things with me but at least I would have some sense of closure – just stopping all contact with no warning just seems cruel.
Hi Emma…
I feel for you. I can understand what you are going through and if that happened to me I would feel as though my heart was ripped out of me. You poor thing, I’m so sorry.
I caved in and went to see my mm yesterday. I went to get some answers from him so I could close that chapter of my life. He poured on the emotions, told me that he loves me and that he doesn’t see anyway out of his marriage with out having to be the bad person. He says he wants a life with me but doesn’t want to make any promises he can’t keep… yada yada yada.
Today I sent him an email telling him that I need space… well stupid me called him around lunch to tell him a funny story. I do need space but can’t convince myself to do it. Like so many others I feel like he is my “soul mate” and that fate brought us together. I guess it’s hard to picture life with out him after all I have been dreaming of life with him for the past 17 months.
I know that I need to stop walking away and then going back. I just need to find a way to stick with it. It’s nice to know that there are others out there going through how I am feeling.
Too bad there wasn’t a chat room so we could talk about things as they happen. Maybe that will be the next thing that comes up.
Good luck to all and thanks for the support.
Hi Heartbroken,
Thanks for your support, I know what you’re going through too and it really does help knowing there are others out there dealing with the same stuff. I do feel like my heart’s been ripped out, it’s dawning on me I might never see him again which is too hideous to even think about right now. I also feel like he’s my soulmate and we are meant to be together, we just met too late etc. etc. What a total nightmare, I completely understand why you don’t feel you can make the break for good. I wish you the best of luck whichever way you choose to go. As for me, I don’t think MM is going to get back in touch with me, it’s been 3 weeks and he hasn’t replied to any of my e-mails – maybe in the long run when my heart heals slightly I’ll come to see it as doing me a favour, as I don’t think I could ever forgive him for treating me this way. It has certainly made me determined NEVER to put myself in this situation EVER again, I can’t deal with this much pain.
Here’s to healing and eventually to happiness, for everyone – got to live in hope x
I found this website very helpful. I don’t have anyone to talk to this about. I was seeing a married man on and off for about 13 months. I just ended it on Christmas. He has never taken me out on a date or bought me anything. The bad thing is he lives four doors down from my house on the same street. It’s very difficult to see him and his wife together. It makes me so angry and I am not usually like this. It makes me a tottally different person when I see them together, they never look happy. I wish we didn’t live on the same street. I have my good days and my bad days. I have to stick with this decision, he will never leave if he has his cake and eat it too. I sent him a text saying if he wanted to take me out on a date he would have. It doesn’t take a whole year to take someone out. I know he his physically afraid of his wife. She has a mental problem. He does whatever she says. Thanks for listening.
My question is this,
My girlfriend was recently widowed at 52 after 32 years of marriage. She and her husband were very close. She has a very dear friend that is an out of state truck driver and a married man. They talk on the telephone alot. The other evening he was in town and stopped in to see her. He didnt leave until the next day. She was embarrased to talk with me about it and did admit to sleeping with him. She says that she loves him and always has. If she didnt loose her husband she never would have told him how she felt. He said that he loves her very much, however he isnt going to leave his wife. He claims that he does love her.
Bottom line is I dont want my friend to get hurt. I think that she is very lonely and volunerable.
Can you advise me how tot handle this?
Lost
I keep coming back here to read what others are posting… to see what developments are going on in everyone’s lives.
It is so theraputic to read these stories. It makes me feel less alone in all this. I am lucky to have supportive & understanding friends but I try not to talk about it too much w/ them. They have been listening to my heartache for years. Now I sound like a supreme idiot to keep going on about it.
What is the saying- “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”??? I guess I feel ashamed that I allow myself to be treated this way. I don’t want to talk to these people who love, support & respect me & tell them all about how I have no self respect & don’t love myself… cuz that’s what it is right??
I mean how many times can my friends & family give me a sympathetic ear?? And since I am so sick & think I might eventually marry this guy… how would that carry over come next Christmas when he’s at my family party & the all know that he had a girlfriend who he cheated on & ultimately left for me??? I mean, my family & friends know him from when we were together originally but still…
Yes, yes, the affair w/ the ex boyfriend who has a girlfriend, I posted before if you didn’t read it.
So the latest… well, it is so sad… And again, I feel ashamed but I know those reading this post will understand.
I was stood up 3x’s last week by him. On a Thursday when I was going to get off work early, he never called. I had gotten all ready for work & waited & waited & nothing. You ask why I did not call him??? Well, because I DON’T HAVE HIS PHONE NUMBER. He told me that he didn’t want to give it to me cuz I would call drunk. To which I replied “When I am drunk, I am w/ other guyz”. Which was true a few months ago. But now it is not.
You think I would have learned my lesson come Saturday morning… but no. Same story, I’ll be there @ 9am. So after waking up early, getting completely ready, trying to look effortlessly beautiful, cleaned my house, made breakfast… he didn’t show… I recieved a call @ 2, him telling me he’d be there later… Then another call, he’d be there tomorrow @ 10am… I know you waited but I’ll be there tomorrow. Sunday morning… I was slow in getting up & ready… and by 1pm & let it sink in that he wasn’t coming… But still had hope for a call or an explaination.
Now, I will tell you what happenned next, altho it is another embarrasing story. I went to my balcony, took my boom box & started listening to some music. I also took a bottle of wine & pack of cigarrettes. By 2:30 I was wasted. So I took a vicodin that I found in my roommates medicine cabinet. What is wrong w/ me?
I didn’t realize I was in such bad shape over this because I haven’t really cried about it, or felt the pain. When I start to get upset, I block it out, distract myself, find something to keep my mind off of it… but the alcohol… took me to the pain. In the midst of the tears I started to cry as sat there in an alcohol induced stupor, my apartment manager came to the balcony… She asked me in Spanish (which I don’t speak but understand) “Why are you sad?”
I pretended I didn’t hear & then she said “What are you waiting for?”… I don’t think she meant it in the same context because she sometimes translates things & it doesn’t mean the same thing… but I said “Nothing.” And when she left, it all came out… “What am I waiting for??”
I have been stood up by him many times… Even when he was just my asshole boyfriend. I have sat on that balcony before waiting, or on New Years Eve a few years ago… waiting for that call to come or for him to show.
I would never do that to someone. I would at least call. Let them know I can’t make it… But nope… not him.
So, it’s Monday. And you know how I said before that he calls me on his way to work, on lunch, etc. Well, even though he did not show yesterday… I was expecting a call today. I even planned on how I was going to act, play the game. Miss some of his calls, just to keep him on his toes… BUT, he hasn’t called.
Do you want to know whats even better??
He GAVE me his NUMBER on Friday.
But I didn’t call. I texted “Donde?” (means “where” in Spanish… I kinda hoped she would see it. But if I hoped that really, I would have written more.
I won’t call. I’ll tell you why.
I can’t deal w/ even more rejection. If I don’t call I won’t get that. And he will call eventually. I always know that. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually.
I hope he calls tomorrow, today. I don’t understand what happenned. I always imagine, what if something happened to him, I would never know.
I feel so numb. Like I can go thru the motions, go to work, laugh, smile, play w/ my son, do what I got to do… BUT deep inside is this empty aching place.
I even have other people who want to see/date me. The sweetest boy too. And I keep putting them off becuz of this ache. Am I heartbroken?
I want to say, since I am done w/ my rant:
Emma: I am so sorry. I have been there, obviously. And I want you to know this, he will be back. But please, move on, so when he does come back, you will see him w/ clear eyes, not eyes clouded by love. Know that you will find another, I have to believe we have more than 1 soulmate. I have girlfriends who are like soul sisters, more than 1, so if i can have more than 1 soul sister, why not have more than 1 soul mate? It is a blessing in disguise. Please pick up the pieces & move forward, as difficult & heartwrenching as it might be. And when you look back @ this place, when you are happy & settled & life is even better than you could have ever imagined, post here again to let us all know.
Heartbroken: I understand your story SO much. And I was rooting for you… and then you gave in. I would have too! It is like a diet…No, it’s like a drug. We get go thru withdrawls, get clean, only to relapse. I hope it has gotten better for you. If you have stayed in or tried to walk away. Remember, you are not alone. As lonely as you may feel. And know, you are beautiful & someday everything will work out as it should be. And I don’t necessarily mean w/ him, but in life.
Practicing: I REALLY want to know what happenned. You gave him the note & he has till the end of the month… what was his reaction?? Do you think you are going to be the 1% that will give us all hope here?? Please let us know.
Until then, all the best to everyone who comes here to share. Thank you for allowing me to share. It means alot. ~
Hi all.
I seen my MM on Monday, went to see him during his lunch. He didn’t try kissing me at all. Finially when his lunch was almost over I said something to him and his response was that he didn’t know if I wanted him to kiss me… blah blah blah.
I’m going to have a really hard time for the next 12 days…. maybe it will give me a chance to clear my head a little. Yeah isn’t it great that he is going on a cruise with his wife and children. Honestly, it makes me want to puke.
Has anyone in this group became vandictive because of what they are going through because sometimes I think I have lost my damn mind.
Is it just me?
heartbroken,
I know exactly how you feel. I broke it off with my MM on Dec. 25th. I have my good moments and my bad moments. The one bad thing is he lives four doors down from my house and I see him everyday. Sometimes I get so angry to see them together because I feel he has gotten away with this. I did get his phone number from someome and I did call the house a few times and asked for him. I always called from a payphone. He got in trouble but that is the least I could do. I’m hurting and I know its my fault for getting involved with a married man. It’s not fair how they think they can treat you. It’s just not right. I wanted to see his life a little miserable. I do get some satisfaction out of it. I don’t know how this happened.
Mary,
I would love to talk more with you sometime, do you have messenger? I think we could help each other out some how.
heartbroken,
I do feel for you, I’m not a mean person, but I think my MM took advantage of how nice I am. I do think he has strong feelings for me like he says. But he gives the reason why he wouldn’t leave because of his son, he has properties, too much to lose, He was married in a Catholic Church. He never came out and said he is staying for his wife. I think he is confused. I’m sorry I ever put myself in this position. It’s been three weeks now and I’m doing ok. Some days better than others. I will not call him or text message him again. I went back and forth for a year now and he never once took me out on a date. I know it’s extremely hard for you because you are hurting and you want something that is not yours. How old are his children? Do you still go out with your friends? You do need some distraction in your life. I go out with my friends, sisters and I try to keep busy around the house. It’s terrible when you live on the same block. I like to tell you to stay away from him awhile, it’s been three weeks for me and it does get easier. What I think about is how miserable he is with his wife and I feel better. I don’t think a man is happy in his marriage if he is cheating on her. It doesn’t change the fact if he will leave her or not. One can only hope. Best of Luck
i am so glad i found this before it was too late. i met a guy at work who is married and i don’t know what to do. he is exactly what i am looking for except that he is married which is obviously a BIG exception! we are bartenders and work side by side 3 days a week and we started off as friends but over a couple months it has developed into more. he has only been married 6 months and he is only 26; i am 24. i am dating someone else too but i can’t seem to get my mind off of him. i know i need to end it but i really don’t know how. i finally met someone who is doing everything right and it sucks that he’s not available. i also feel really guilty because she comes to the club sometimes and she’s beautiful and sweet and i feel terrible that i am seeing her husband behind her back. how do i stop this when i like him so much and am forced to be around him 3 days a week?
What if you were in love and messing around before he got married? We recently picked back up after a year’s hiatus (he has been married five years). He is not cautious and does not make(IMO) attempts to stay private. He thinks his wife is clueless–I know her, she is no dummy.
mary,
This is difficult. I am trying to force mine to examine why he is doing this. What do you think he truly wants or is missing at home?
Kristi,
which mary are you referring too. I believe with my MM they are not having a physical relation ship. I know she has some depression issues and he has tried to get her help but she just yells at him. She has lived on the block for five years and only talks to two of our neighbors and she keeps her son in the house. he’s not allowed off the block to play. He is 11 years old. My MM does the food shopping, works six days a week. He told me before that he is afraid of her. I really do believe he has strong feelings for me, but he does have a lot to think about. He has a lot of people running his life. His boss makes him work every Saturday, His wife doesn’t let him go out with is buddies and his Father tells him what to do too. He told me he doesn’t have much of a life. I blame that on him, every one has choices. His son doesn’t have a life either and I feel sorry for him. sometimes I get so sick to my stomach when I see them together, it hurts so much. how did i fall in love with a married man???? Thanks for listening
i don’t know what he wants but the thing is it shouldn’t matter. if you have been away from him for a year keep it that way! this is not what you want. its not good enough!
i have to see mine in a couple of hours and i am so tempted to just keep this a physical thing which i thought i could do but after reading all your stories i realize you can’t help who you fall in love with. i personally don’t want to find myself in love with someone who isn’t mine. i want a man who will go with me to my cousin’s wedding and my work christmas party not someone who will only see me when he can get away from her. we ALL deserve more so, EVERYONE just snap out of it!!!! i know it is easier said then done but in the long run this is NOT what we want! i went on a date with someone else last night. although i wished it was him it was a nice comfort knowing that this guy was looking for someone, not just someone on the side. i hope i have the will power to follow my own advice tonight because i’m so attracted to him and i think i could do this without getting attached but i don’t think i should try and find out and besides when in comes down to it it is very selfish to do this to someone else and i don’t think any of us want to be bad people.
i don’t know what he wants but the thing is it shouldn’t matter. if you have been away from him for a year keep it that way! this is not what you want. its not good enough!
i have to see mine in a couple of hours and i am so tempted to just keep this a physical thing even though it hasn’t even gotten that physical yet and i thought i could do but after reading all your stories i realize you can’t help who you fall in love with. i personally don’t want to find myself in love with someone who isn’t mine. i went on a date with someone else last night. although i wished it was him it was a nice comfort knowing that this guy was looking for someone, not just someone on the side. the thing is that i really do think that i could do this without getting hurt especially since i am dating a couple other guys, but i know it is selfish to do to her. i found her myspace the other day and she seems so happy and in love. at first i was a little jealous but then i felt sorry for her because she really didn’t marry the person she thought and that could happen to any of us one day. i don’t want to be an accomplice in ruining someone’s life. it just sucks i find him so damn sexy! when we kissed it was like electricity running through my body. i never felt that with anyone else.
I am so glad I found this site. I have been depressed for days and have been dying to talk to somebody.
Mine’s a rather long entry so please be patient with me.
In July 2005 I met a man who was not married but getting out of a relationship with a woman he was seeing for 9 years. They were in the midst of seperating and have decided to live in different countries. It was great because we had an incredible chemistry – we always had fun going out, having great conversations and laughs and we had a very good sexual life. I would stay over occasionally and spend weekends with him and because we stayed quite near, we meet up at least 4-5 times a week. The GF would call every not and then and I have heard them on the phone – very curt and unfriendly and always very brief. So that ‘relationship’ never really bothered me as I thought it was going to end anyway and besides she lives so far away!
In the beginning of Dec 2005 he broke it off with her. He told her about me as well and also his children (from his previous marriage), his family…they all knew about me.
It took him sometime to give his commitment but the same week he told me he wanted to be the one who makes me happy and how happy he is with me bla bla and wants to take this more seriously, she called him crying and wanted another chance. This was end of January 2006. She wanted to fly over and talk things over.
He allowed her to do that and allowed her to stay at his place when she was in the country! And only 3 days before that he said he wants to get more serious with me!!! And despite me crying and begging him not to do it, he insisted….and 2 days after she came, they got back together and his excuse was there’s just too much history.
I begged and cried but he won’t budge. I fell into depression and was seeing a shrink for awhile and was put on anti depressants etc. Over the months he would occasionally call and we would meet up and I would still beg him to change his mind. I know, STUPID!!!
But when I decided enough was enough, I stopped all contact with him. You would have though I had learnt my lesson but…
In June 2006 I met my MM through work. We connected instantly and he asked me for dinner so I went. He never kept his marriage a secret but after seeing each other for 2 months, he was already telling me he needs to leave his wife as he has been living in a lie for years and things weren’t working out. They have a 1 year old son together.
We all like to believe our relationship is different from others, don’t we? And like a dream to all TOW, he did walk out, he got his own place, went back to the UK to come clean with his family, made arrangements for them to meet me in 2007 and his wife knew about me…the whole world knew he wanted to have a life with me. He wanted to meet my parents and did and my parents have accepted him and know he is in the process of getting his divorce.
I even stayed with him for 8 days over Xmas and New Year and we had his son with us for 3 days. At that time his wife had already accepted the fact that we are together and allowed us to have the son so he can spend time with him.
I last saw him on January 2nd 2007. He kissed me goodbye and we were hugging and he kept reminding me of our future together and how much he loves me. We have talked about children, migrating, etc…
January 5th his son was admitted to the hospital for high fever and vomitting. He is still in and out of hospital so for the last week he has been in hospital and had time with his wife (though we have always referred to her as the ex-wife…but reality is they are still married!
On January 6th I found out I had a miscarriage…I didn’t know I was pregnant and I lost twins. On the 6th he finally talked to me. He had been ignoring me and asked me to leave him alone when his son was in hospital. From that time it just went downhill. He never called to check how I was doing and was always rude when I called or would just cancel my calls. I miscarried his babies and he didn’t care about me! He kept saying he needs to focus on getting his son well… I have been in and out of hospital myself as I had to go through a D&C and there were complications and I lost blood and needed blood transfusion…he knows but never bothered to call and even when I called him to tell him he said he was busy.
Finally yesterday morning I called him and said we needed to talk like adults and it’s not fair on me. He said he has been thinking about getting back with his wife as it’s the right thing to do. Looking at his son in the hospital and seeing her for the past week made him feel guilty for what he has done to them so he is considering going back. I know she wants to work it out as well.
So he has decided to leave the country for about 2 months for work to decide if he wants to go back to her or stay with me. He has suddenly said he doesn’t see how we can be together because of my behaviour and how we fight. We have quarrelled a few times because I have asked him if he is ever going to finalise things so we can have a proper relationship. He kept giving me deadlines but postponing it later. He blames ME suddenly for all the arguments and justifies the end of the relationship by that stupid excuse!
So, I don’t know. Both occasions seemed to be working out for me but in the end it always falls apart. Btw – the first guy came back in November saying he regrets his decision and even proposed to me. I turned him down of course as I was already seeing my MM. I can never forgive him for what he has done to me.
I’m so depressed now as I’m mourning for my lost babies and my MM who I love so much. It was just Jan 2 that we were planning to meet this weekend and he still said he loved me and all that. In a week I have to deal with my miscarriage AND losing him.
He said he doesnt know what will happen after 2 months. He just needs to be away from me and his ex-wife to think clearly. I don’t know how I”m going to pull through next 2-3 months. I’m so desperate for his support now but he won’t give it to me and even says that I’m pressuring him by texting and calling him. So his calls have stopped completely and I’m still here on antibiotics after the D&C.
I’m not sure if I should wait or begin to move on. I love him so much and this is just so sudden and I’m so confused. But if I waited 2 more months and he decides to go back to them my life would just crumble.
I really hate this. I’m so alone here and confused and I miss him so much.
Why me?
Mish, please move on if you can. You need to rebuild your spirit & take care of your health. I am so sorry for all you have gone through. It is horrible. I know you miss him but he is not there to even speak w/ you as you endure this. I understand all he is going thru w/ his son, so he needs to be w/ the boy but he could at least call you to provide some type of support. Please stay strong. Please, you are not alone. Move on, distract yourself so you have no HOPE that he will come back & if he does he does. What is the saying “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Make that your mantra.
And you are not alone, we are all here. We understand & support you. We are there with you too. You will get thru this. You can endure. All the best, always.
I do feel for you all. I’m currently trying to stay free from my man – its been 2 weeks. Why do we do this – the pleasure is incredible. For me its not just physical, but more. Yet the pain is just as intense. I’d love to just not be in this state anymore. I guess the say the longer we hold on the less it will hurt.
Hang in to all of you.
ok so i did a really bad job at staying away from him last night. instead i slept with him it was the first time and it was amazing! i dont know why i did it i had several drinks but i think i got drunk just to numb my conscious because i knew it was wrong. i don’t don’t feel anymore attached but i’m a little ashamed of myself. i just wish he wasn’t married, but i also wonder if subconsciously that is part of the appeal. what do you think?
Part of the appeal has to be the whole, someone you can have but not fully… maybe??? I saw mine last nite. He’s my ex who currently has a live in girlfriend… It was wonderful & I am still on the high from it.
It’s so sad how it puts the last weeks of heartache out of your mind for 3hours of uber pleasure.
After avoiding me for 2 days last week after he stood me up last weekend, I finally broke down & called him to see if he was done. And he wasn’t just said he couldn’t deal w/ my drama. And by drama, he meant me being upset for standing me up last weekend, which I only said in a calm phone conversation. Whatever. Anywayz, those 2 days of avoidance were horrible & I was so heartbroken. I just had to surrender. I love him.
He told me last nite that he knew I was going to wait for him… and asked if I wanted to have his baby & get married. Again w/ the baby, marriage talk… is this really going to happen??? And when??? And if I wait, like he knows, I know, we all know, I pretty much will… when??? And the saga continues…
I’m so hurt right now…..
A few months ago my MM sent me a song and told me that everytime he heard it, it reminds him of me. I felt so special.
His wife just added that same song to her myspace page.
How special can I be? It’s not a common song by a well known artist.
I feel like sending him a nastey email but before I do can someone tell me if I have reason to be upset or if I’m making more out of this than I should?
I guess I kinda feel like this is all a big game to him. Did he wait to see my reaction before he sent it to her as well? Is that thier song? WTF?
Please respond….
Heartbroken…… i think he is a total sh*t for doing that. i would be devastated if my MM did that to me. We’ve been together almost 2 years, and we have special songs too. I love hearing them when i can’t see him, I’ve no way of knowing if he has mentioned them to his wife, but it would severely cheapen the things he has said to me if he has. Don’t let him treat you this way. i think you should write the email.
Heartbroken, you can write the email… but does he know you know his wife’s myspace?? No myspace fights! I wouldn’t write the email… What if it’s just a coincidence? What song is it? I am so curious to know… BTW, I spent 2hrs wasted of my life on myspace searches filtering by zip code & relationship status looking “HER”. I did find his niece, son & ex but not her. I think if I found her page it would make her too real to me. As if the phone ringing all the time when we are together w/ her calls isn’t real enough.
Don’t send the email, it will only make things hurt more for you.
Thats a good point… I just assumed the wife had put it down as a special song to her, maybe it isn’t at all, could just be a co incidence. On the whole myspace thing. I actually know my MM’s wife and i do my best to avoid her at l costs i don’t want to know anymore about her than i do now
I actually found his wife’s myspace page and told him about it, he didn’t know she had one until then. Since he found out, she has deleted almost everything on there… friends, quotes ect…. I go on her page every now and then….. out of curiousity to see whens the last time she logged into it. I guess I never understood why she would even go on the site if she deleted everything and why would she add a song to a page that is nearly blank?
The song is by Nickel Creek and is called “When you come back down.” After he sent it to me I must have listened to it a million times that weekend. That was the first I heard it and the words were very moving.
I don’t know about the rest of your MM but with mine he always has a logical explaination about everything.
I truly want to believe him when he tells me he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but his actions and his words very seldom line up. I’ve tried to walk away and I go back everytime. I don’t understand my own actions, it’s not like he treats me like a queen and it’s not like I can’t find someone else that treats me better and wants to spend time with me. It’s like he has a spell over me.
Anyways, back to the song thing… I had time to cool down a little. I was pretty upset when I wrote on here earlier. I have decided that I will email him but instead of b*tching at him I will tell him how much I miss him (he’s on vacation for another 10 days) and how I thought about him alot today. I will then tell him how I heard the song and how it still means the same to me today as it did on the day he sent it. blah blah blah and then *POW* I will probably say something about seeing it on her myspace page… maybe, I don’t know but maybe. If I don’t I will not let this go for a long time.
I take alot of things to heart and things like this will just eat away at me little by little until I say something. It’s just a matter of how I put it. It’s not worth a fight but I want him to know in a round about way that I have made the connection between him sending me this song and how it popped up on her myspace page. If I had to guess he doesn’t know it’s on there. But it still doesn’t change the fact that somehow, she has the song, that somehow it meant something to her to put it on her myspace page.
Before I type the email can I have one more comment letting me know that this is the right or wrong thing. Thanks so much for your support, all of your support. It really means alot because lately I have felt all alone. My friends have heard me talk about this man everysingle day for the past 18 months, they have been there to comfort me when I try walking away only to find out that I go back. I try not to burden them with my problems anymore. They are great friends though.
Thanks again……
Even if you’ve had time to cool off a bit, it’s obviously got to you. i think sending him something mentioning it will help. it could be a coincidence, maybe it’s a song from home and she just happens to like it too. It’s always horrible to ask about something like this, because you may well not like his answer, especially if you are already expecting him to be able to logically explain it away. Being the other woman doesn’t mean you should automatically be treated like dirt. don’t b*itch, but ask him about it, if you don’t as you said you’ll find it hard to let go.
I don’t think I want more from him. I do not want him to leave his wife, do not want to marry him. We are great in bits and pieces and have been this way off and on for ten years.
Outside of all of this, we were friends first and I want him to figure out why he is doing this. He states he does not care about the risks. We have not had sex this go round and I am trying to keep it that way. We are fresh into this “new fling” and I told him I can let him go. The fact that I want him to examine his life and why he is doing this only makes him want me more. I can’t win for losing.
mish,
Please live your life. Remember that you have one outside from him. I had a stillborn child myself, not with my MM, so I understand your grief at this point in your life. If he comes to you fine, if not move on.
Ladies,
All these men are not losers. I am speaking in general here and not due to my MM. What can we do as wives (when we become wives) to avoid this???? Many of these wives are doing everything right and their men still want more.
What are the mistakes that wives make? Besides thinking the MM are scum. I am serious with this question.
Tina- thanks for your response. I wrote him an email and decided to save it. He won’t be checking his email until he returns from his trip. I have it if I decide to send it or I’ll wait and ask him the next time I see him.
You’re words helped, usually I would have emailed him and suspected the worse. This time I will wait and see what he says. If I decide to email him the letter than I will in a few days but for now it helped just being able to talk to someone about it.
This group has helped keep me level headed.
Like always… thanks so much for letting me vent.
AND thanks for ALL of your HELP! π
i read all your entries and i realize that none of you are happy! it makes me question why i am doing this. its so early for me. i know i should stop but i think just tonight. thats how i felt the past 2 nights and they were amazing! i know there is no future in this so why can’t i just stop? he asked me to come over for dinner this week. she has to work until 10pm, but i told him no. i know it is a complete lack of respect to go to her house but when it comes down to it, will i go? then i stop and think how did i become this selfish person?
I think you should go to dinner mary m. This has nothing to do with respect for his wife. You want to be with him, you should go. Life is too short and you will regret it. My MM has never taken me out on a date or bought me anything. I haven’t seen him in a month, we live on the same block and he looks so miserable. I’m glad he is not happy because I am not happy without him. I had to do this, I sent him a text saying that his wife should be fulfulling his sexual needs and I wanted to stop seeing him. I haven’t heard from him. I think he should have taken me out during the one year we were dating each other. He never made time for me. So go to dinner and take advantage of the time you can spend with him.
Mary L
Mary,
I want to tell my MM that his wife should be doing these things as well. We are way too close to becoming sexually involved again. If she knows him like I do, she should know that he will get his needs met elsewhere. Why do you think mary m should go to his house? My MM asked me to pick him up from somewhere and take him home on more than one occassion. I refused.
I don’t think you should go to his house mary m, I’ve been invited to my MM’s house previously, but I wouldn’t dream of going there. I already think I am taking enough without going round to the marital home and taking even more. My MM always comes to my house or we meet somewhere. If nothing else you should respect the fact that this is his wife’s home and if it comes out about the affair, she will gutted that you were in her house.
Mary M
I doubt very much you’d feel comfortable there anyway. What would you do if his wife came home from work early ????
exactly voice,
This wife could easily shoot her dead and claim self defense. You think the MM would say anything?
Kristi,
I’m hopeful that any shotgun
will stay safely locked up π
mary,
the thing is i don’t want to go on dates with him. i’d feel better if we just kept it physical and only on work nights, but he is always pressuring me to hang out during the week too. i don’t say no because i like him, but he treats me like his girlfriend and he can’t have a gf and a wife!!!
voice and tina,
i would definitely not feel comfortable there i don’t know what he is thinking. i think it is mainly because i don’t have my own place and we are both sick of going to bars and restaurants and being around a million people. it is bad enough that i am sleeping with her new husband, but the thought of doing it in her house is even more of a slap in the face. i don’t want to hurt her, but i don’t want to stop. sometimes i don’t think he is even that private about it. everyone at work has speculations about us and its because he is so obvious about it.
kristi,
the thing is if she did shoot me, i would partcially deserve it. i have imagined many times her finding out and coming into the bar that we work at either punching me or throwing a drink in my face. i would do it if i were in her situation thats what makes this so hard, because i know its wrong!
Mary M,
I do know what it’s like I’m lucky (if you can call it that) that I’ve been in both the position of wronged wife and now I’m currently the other woman. I see it from all ways round. After finding out about my ex husband’s affair I was so hurt and thought myself above doing the same thing, but here I am. I love my MM so much, and he says he has fallen for me, but categorically states he will never leave his wife for me. Somedays I don’t know why I’m sticking with it, but I do.
I know, mary m. I know my MM’s wife. Haven’t seen her in years, but know her and know she would be crushed if she knew her husband had been in contact with me for years. While I don’t think she would lash out at me if she found out, I would still hate to run into her and have to make small talk.
I know he loves her, but have no idea why he would risk losing her. I don’t know if I am the only other. I think so, due to the time we spend communicating, but he still won’t talk about the risk and why it doesn’t seem to matter. My MM seems to seek validation that he is OK. Makes me wonder if she is totally ignoring him at home.
voice and kristi,
what made you stay with it in the beginning? did you already know he was married? right now i think that it is just steamy and fun, but i never want to get to the point where i am in love with him. did you feel that way at first? do you wish that you weren’t in love with him?
Mary M,
I’ve known my MM for just over 6 years, but have been seeing him for about the last 2 of them, we had always got on really well and i did like him but as i said thought i was above getting involved as I’d had it done to me and lost my husband to another woman. I knew he was married so I steered clear, but as it got further into the relationship i found myself thinking about him more and more. Eventually we ended up discussing it and he said he had feelings for me, but offered me the sex as he was lonely(they have very seperate lives)but couldn’t promise me anything. I should of run a mile but I didn’t. i tried to keep it as a no strings sex thing but I knew I was falling for him. When i eventually told him I loved him, he said I couldn’t fall in love with him as he was unavailable, It was only recently he told me he had fallen for me, but he has never actually said those 3 little words. In a way i’m glad he hasn’t cos I wouldn’t want him to unless he totally meant it. He treats me really well, and calls me everday day, except weekends(obviously) :-). Sometimes I feel pretty lonely, but I knew the deal when I started with my MM, so i have to respect it, If I start getting sh*tty with him, he’s still not going to leave his wife, and he’ll end up resenting me. I guess it’s bearable because I have always known where I stand.
mary m,
I’ve been friends with my MM for ten years. Knew both him and the wife before the nuptuals. We have been friends with benefits off and on the entire time. We had this “benefit” while they were dating. Yes, he chose to marry her, but I never expected us to be together either. I knew we could not make it as a couple. It is easier for me I think because I love him as a friend, though our intimate relations are steamy.
Don’t know if his sex life with wife was ever good or why he continues to feel the need to converse with and see me.
voice and kristi,
what made you stay with it in the beginning? did you already know he was married? right now i think that it is just steamy and fun but i never want to get to the point where i am in love with him. did you feel that way at first? do you wish that you weren’t in love with him?
mary m,
I will say this. I care for my MM deeply and I know he cares for me. I am uncomfortable with the fact that he seems to want to be caught with me. I felt this when they were dating. He almost took steps to get caught. Don’t know why he took the plunge and got married.
My MM doesn’t have sex with his wife, they’ve been married for 30 years he is 52 and I’m 31. I guess I fulfil his needs, I don’t wish that i wasn’t in love with him, I wish the situation was different, cos if he left her I would take him on in a heartbeat.
Kristi
I would be worried too if my MM wanted to get caught. Sounds a bit like he wanted to get out of the marriage thing, but changed his mind.
Voice,
Do you ever think that your MM will leave his wife? It’s been 2 years, right? Do you still have hope that he will leave? Does it ever get to you that he hasn’t left yet?
I’m just wondering for myself, thats all.
No I don’t believe he will ever leave her, He told me he never would. he has always told me that if I met an available guy to go for it. If I’m honest yes i sometimes sit here thinking, He treats me well he calls me and sees me at every available chance and he’s recently said he’s fallen for me, what is he waiting for but as I said previously I knew from the get go that he won’t ever leave her, Maybe I’m wasting my time, but I love him and will share him rather than not have him at all. Maybe it sounds a bit pathetic but it works for me
Voice… When I met my MM we both said that we would stay in our current relationships for the next 10+ years, we were in it for the kids.
We were both numb to life when we met, just walking through it and not living. It’s been nice to have a reason to smile from the heart, it had been so long that I forgot what it felt like.
Over time our friendship grew and we both ended up falling in love. I guess I have known as well that he wouldn’t leave his wife, we both came into this saying the same thing. But sometimes sitting here thinking about all the things that they do together, how she gets the side of him that I don’t get to see…. waking up to him, spending time on holiday’s, ect… has made me very envious. And because of that it has made me so insecure in our friendship because I can’t understand that he doesn’t want more even though I have known from the beginning. I’ve said the same thing as you…. having him part time in my life is better than not having him at all.
The only time we get to talk or see each other is when he’s at work, never on the weekends, never at night, never on holiday’s or birthday’s.
My heart and mind are at a constant battle with each other. My heart loving him for everything that he is and my mind telling me I’m wasting my life.
Maybe with time I will be ok with being the “other woman” and be ok with how things are. It’s a struggle for me and I’m trying to deal with it the best that I can.
I’m sure no one thinks that you are pathetic, we are all going through the same things. Best of luck.
Voice,
Why aren’t they having sex? Even separate lives can get together. Is she a prude?
I would say we were far from pathetic. Everyone on here seems level-headed and articulate. We know the truth. We are not blind. We made choices. We are here. Thank goodness for this forum.
i know that my MM is sleeping with his wife and probably often. they are newly weds and i know she is trying to get pregnant.
i told him i would not go to dinner at his house so he is going to take me out. the crazyiest thing about this whole situation is that he is the most dependable guy i have ever dated. he calls when he says he will and shows up when he is supposed to. he is so perfect besides the whole wife thing so it really sucks! why did he get married at 26!?!
i don’t think anyone on here is pathetic, but i think that we all should have run the other direction when we found out they were married! i understand why none of you did though, because you can’t help who you like and even though it is still early for me i am not running!
Kristi,
I know they’re not having sex because his wife told me, My MM owns a printing business and she is a teacher. They’ve been married a long time and she’s been through the menopause and says sex is something they or she doesn’t need(obviously however I know he needs it). He respects her wishes, although he gets quite lonely. He has a good life other than that which he has worked hard for and I suppose would find it very difficult to give up. I must admit I get really unsettled when they go away on holiday and do the together kind of things that I would like to be able to do with him.
Mary M
Without wanting to sound like the merchant of doom, but if the wife wants to get pregnant and does succeed, I personally don’t think your MM will leave in a hurry. If he is as dependable as you say, is he likely to walk out on a pregnant wife or young child?????
kristi,
the thing is i don’t want him to leave his wife for me. we are not at that stage at all! by dependable i mean he calls when he says he will and doesn’t break dates. i hear from him every day. i go out with a lot of guys and there is few that i can say that about.
if his wife does get pregnant, and i am sure she will , i think that it will be over between us. i don’t think he has any intentions of leaving her, but i don’t think that this marriage is built to last if he is cheating after only 6 months. honestly if they did break up i don’t think i would want him. i am having so much fun with him, but this is not a relationship that has any potential for a future.
his marraige sounds boring. no wonder he came looking for you! i think it would be really hard to leave a stable and successful life no matter how mundane it may be. i know what you mean about being unsettled about them going away. thats why i don’t want to get attached because that is something that you can’t control.
All of this seems odd to me. Do husbands not communicate with their wives? What happened to showing and telling your partner what you need? And if there is no reasonable explanation, why would you deny him or her?
Why would you let your spouse be bored? Sounds like all of these marriages are in a rut. I know sex can’t be the problem everywhere. What are the underlying issues here?
I think we can all tell when our MMs spend more time with their wives, can’t the wives tell when their husbands minds/bodies are elsewhere?
I am going to try to stop saying my MM and start saying “S’s husband”. Maybe this will make this time the last time.
Whooh!!! What an eyeopener!!! Too bad I didn’t see this site a few years ago! Has it been 4… or 5? I’m sure I would not have believed it.. or I would have denied that my situation was like this…etc. I read this site for about an hour and a half. I did not read all the stories nor did I read all the responses; however, I will say this: Each and every story has a common link: A girl who for some reason has been swept off her feet by a man who is a “good man” but is married. Strangely, these good men are all taken… wonder why? And they all leave everyone confused, sending mixed messages, taking NO responsibility and hurting everyone. They send you a crumb… you feel like they are choosing YOU over their WIFE! What a turn-on! ONLY YOU!!! YOU are SO special!!! Yeah, they even tell you that, over and over again….
I have been there… for years.. I left my marriage (which was troubled, but I had been married for 30 years). My husband told his wife, after he discovered e-mails. He denied, I denied (for him) to spare him!!! LOL!!! Bizarre! She told him to “leave” if he did not love her. He chose to stay.. (didn’t want to hurt her: she had done nothing wrong). I understood, respected that. He said he didn’t want to hurt daughter who was grown and married with a baby.
This went on until he told me he didn’t think we should do it anymore. He wanted to go back to being the peson he was before. Gain back his dignity and intregity. (so much for mine)… and so we stopped seeing each other. I met a guy within a short time and I really liked him. He was so nice and fun and available. He introduced me to his children and took me somewhere openly!! Imagine that. My kids met him… then… boom… Mr. Wonderful finds out and calls me begging and pleading that he doesn’t want to lose what we had. Says he will leave his wife … that he realizes now just how much he loves me!!! etc. etc. I agree to meet him again… (not really wanting to).. I meet him and I discover that he is NOT all that…
I decide to stay with the other guy… tell the mm that I am not interested any more. He cries and begs and asks me how I can stop loving him so quickly. I ask myself the same thing.. and then the stupidest thing!!! I tell him… okay.. and think that this is what I wanted for soooo long and that I should not reject what he is offering. I agree to stop seeing the other guy,sell my house, get a job far away (in his area), start over completely, leave my grown kids behind. etc. etc. and 8 months later… though he has moved out and has an apartment, he has NOT filed for divorce… he now says that he is going to do that… well, somehow, I found out he has been e-mailing and carrying on with yet another married woman for the past 5 years.. and she is asking for him to now have an affair. Suddenly, all the going home to his apartment early.. starts to make sense.. and the reason he only stays with me on the weekends.. (still) and the secrecy with his cell phone begins to make sense.. yet still you deny, deny deny… I try to break it off, he swears he loves me..(He doesn’t know I know about the other “other woman.” When I ask him if he talks to other women, he denies it: says he is “true to me, the truest person.
He even says he is
“spineless, coward” etc. just as the women above say. Now, I don’t trust him anymore.. the special feeling that I am the only one is gone.. but I have devoted so much time and I am not getting any younger and I have given up a lot…(53)
I feel sooooooo duped and so stupid…
My advice: Listen to your gut… where there is smoke, there is fire. They play on your emotions . You think you have some wonderful intimacy… it is deceit, deceit, deceit… I feel trapped by my situation and don’t know how to get out of it.. but I Do know I don’t trust him and never will.. I would have never believed that he was like this if I hadn’t seen the e-cards and emails they both sent with my own eyes.
(And I still try to rationalize them).
I hope this helps at least one of you! Even if you think you finally get your man.. what have you got?
Good luck!
Hi Rene W,
Do you feel better now????……. :-).
I’m truly sorry that you are having a terrible time, I’ve been in your position too, but I think your post which seems to be implying we are all essentially stupid(correct me if I’ve misunderstood) is a bit unfair. Maybe you are right when you say there may be a common factor between stories. However not all of us on here want our MM to leave, I know mine for one will never leave his wife and I live with it. It’s not all about stealing someone else’s husband away.
Again apologies if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick
Voice of Reason:
Sorry if you misunderstood my post. I was just floored that so many people are going through the same emotions.
No, I did not want this either. I told him MANY times to go back to his wife.. and then eventually, we would end up calling or e-mailing again.
I do not think that I am stupid. I have a master’s degree. But my actions ARE stupid!!!
So, it is very difficult to explain 5 years of what happened and how it happened… but I was soooo amazed at how we all think WE are special and that is how they CATCH us…
If you don’t see that.. then you will in time. I did not believe it either…lol.
Best of luck to you…
Rene W.
Actually I’m not under any illusion, I know exactly how my situation is working. My MM has never said I’m ‘special’ or peppered me promises of leaving his wife and getting together, I know my place and my role in our relationship, It is that simple to me, yes i do love him, but when and not if it ends I’ll deal with it. I know that if it ever comes to the crunch he will choose his wife and that will be it for me. But for now I’m happy, I think the rules at the top of this page are spot on, particularly the one about not making him the focal point, I have a busy life and we meet up as and when. I don’t pine for him when he’s not with me. I know how to keep him happy, which although yes his wife should be. I fulfil his needs and thats it.
Voice of Reason:
You don’t have to explain anything to me. I understand fully what you are saying.. and if you don’t think it makes YOU special that you can fulfill his needs when his wife cannot or will not… then you are in denial…
In an earlier post of January 15th you said: If the situation were different, I would marry him in a heartbeat…
Find a good guy who is available. That is my advice. I am glad that you are living your life and NOT waiting around every evening for his texts and e-mails and cell phone calls. And I am pleased that it does NOT bother you or make you feel cheated that while you spend your weekends ALONE or with friends (thinking of him), he puts you in a little shoe box and places you on a shelf while he continues without guilt, his other life…. I am soooooo sorry… this is true. I have been through it.. and I did NOT believe anything but the best of this wonderful man….
lol…
NO ONE COULD TELL me any different… and when they tried to…lol…. I got sooooo defensive…
I am not judging you.. just hope you don’t waste too much time. You are young….
And please, don’t judge me either…
Thanks!
Rene
Ok Rene, You are so right i don’t know my own situation at all, and by the way if you are going to quote me, get it correct.
Thanks
Voice
Voice of Reason does not sound so reasonable! I don’t know what chord I struck with you, Voice, but you really are on the defensive and the attack!
I am not judging you AT ALL!!!!
Why you chose my post to reply to and to attack, I will never know. I suppose the truth hurts…
By all means: continue with your affair with the MM. Hopefully he meets all your needs and you want this type of relationship.
As for the quote: Anyone can read it for themselves as it is there written and submitted by you on January 15.
I cannot judge you… you have every right to pursue this relationship.. and enjoy it. I was only trying to help others who may think that their relationship will lead to marriage. Some do… Most don’t.
Again, I was just so intrigued by how so many of the stories are the same. The men use the same techniques, and have the same excuses for having the wife and the MISTRESS. And of course: they are good guys..that is why they do this. They do NOT want to hurt anyone.
They like having their cake and eating it too.
That does not make them all bad…
I hope you really are in control of your situation and do not get hurt. That is all I hope for. I do NOT think you are stupid.. and I am sorry that you were hurt by another woman in your marriage. I sincerely mean this: I wish you the best of luck…. in any decision you make regarding your situation.
And NO of course, I do NOT know more about your situation than you do.. I did not intend to imply that. Sorry if I have offended you IN ANY WAY.
Rene
Look I don’t want to get into a b*tch about this, so this is my last comment on it
You say you are not judging me and yet you say I’m in denial. I’m not defensive or on the attack, which i know can sometimes appear to happen over the net. I just unsure you have read the meaning that is in my posts and situation, I am happy with the way my situation is, I’m not some stupid teenager with a head full of silly promises from a guy, I’m actually a very level headed person, I provide him with the sex he doesn’t get at home. My MM has always said if I meet someone then to go for it, but right now the situation as it stands suits us both, I love him yes but i know there is no future in it. I also know it WILL end. I am not expecting him to turn up at my front door with his bags, infact if he did that I’d panic.
My reference to being quoted is that no where on here have I said I would marry him, I personally have no desire to get married again ever. :-). I said I’d take him on,
I appreciate that the situation you were in is repeated the world over as I am totally sure that mine is too, but they are different to each other. I also appreciate that there are cliches associated with affairs, ie I’m only staying for the kids and all that sort of things.
And finally I never attacked your original post, I just felt it came across as unfair, but also expressed my apologies if I got the intention wrong, but I have not attacked or judged you personally. I don’t think that is the point of this page.
Voice
Rene W.-
You hit the nail on the head. You are so right on & the turth does hurt. When my friends tell me the same things, I don’t want to believe them, but in my heart of hearts I know it’s true.
I know he chose her, not me. I know he lives his real life w/ her, not me. I know I get 3hrs of his time 2x’s a week while she gets the rest of it. I know he throws me a crumb & expects me to be satisfied. I know I am a fool.
But I love him, and until I can get over it, I will continue to do this to myself. And I can blame him all I want, but really, I am the person going thru all the pain & loneliness, I am the one doing this to myself. I could decide any day to stop but I choose not to. I am banking on the empty promises that give me hope & I am the one in denial believing I am special & he loves me, not her.
Maybe he loves us both & maybe he thinks we’re both special *BUT* he’s w/ her not ME. And that speaks volumes.
Lips,
Yes, the MMs are with their wives. However, can these marriages last? Even if we are out of the picture, does the wife really HAVE him? Will he find another OW to satisfy his needs? Your last statement speaks volumes to me as S’s husband (my MM) acts as if these relationships are totally separate and that they have no effect on one another. How crazy is that? Are we really both special and if not, why take the risk of losing the one who truly is special? Why take the risk of losing everything for someone who means nothing?
we got caught by his wife last night. his phone accidentally picked up and she heard us talking. he said he had gone out with the boys and also our conversastion gave us away. when i got home from our date i had a text from him saying “she knows, we don’t have to hide anymore”. i was so freaked out i asked “how” and then he called me. he is leaving her. not for me, but its just not working. i don’t know how i feel about the whole thing. it all happended so fast and i don’t know when it is all said and done what he expects from me.
she wants to work it out, but he says he’s done. i had no idea he was so unhappy. we never really talked about his marraige. i just thought that he was a newly wed and everything must be fine. exactly what i didn’t want to happen happened. she is devasted and although he assures me it has nothing to do with me i can’t help, but feel so guilty!
i told him that he needs time to think this through and that we can’t see each other until he makes he sorts everything out. he doesn’t want that, but he understands. i just don’t know how i am going to do it at work tomorrow. please tell me what you think.
mary m,
I’m so sorry. You have some tough decisions to make. Do you think he meant for his phone to “pick up”? Seems like he was waiting for an excuse. Give him a moment to breathe. He will call you soon. Take all the time you need and talk to him only when you are ready.
another crazy thing is that he didn’t even try to cover it up. instead of saying that he was drunk and met a girl at the bar. he actually said that he went there to meet up with someone and that it wasn’t the first time. he told her that we slept together. he told her everything except that it was me. he doesn’t even want to try to fix it. he said that he knew before he got married that he probably shouldn’t, but the plans were already made and he thought maybe it was just cold feet. i like him so much but i don’t want to be a part of this. i truly don’t think that this is because of me but i think that if we continue to see each other that is what it will look like. the worst part about it is that i am all alone in this. none of my friends or family would approve at all. i am just so greatful for this site because at least i know that you will not judge me.
i just can’t stop thinking about her. he said that she knew they had problems that they barely even talk anymore, but they have only been married for 6months. she was trying to have a baby, but maybe she thought it would fix their problems. i just can’t imagine being in her shoes. i feel so terrible. am i a bad person? i knew this was wrong and it was so selfish of me to do this! what do i do now? i told him we couldn’t do this, but does that mean i can’t be there for him through all of this? do i just stop answering his texts and calls? i never initiated any of that anyway so the only thing that i can stop is all physical contact which i totally intend on doing, but should i also tell him to stop contacting me? i am so confused does anyone know what i should do?
thanks you kristi. the thing is that he doesn’t need a minute to breathe, and honestly neither do i, but i am trying to be fair to her. i want him to make sure that this is what he wants without me doing anything to cloud his judgement. is that the right thing?
thanks you kristi. the thing is that he doesn’t need a minute to breathe, and honestly neither do i, but i am trying to be fair to her. i want him to make sure that this is what he wants without me doing anything to cloud his judgement. is that the right thing? i don’t know if he answered his phone on purpose, but i wondered that as well. it does kind of seem like he wanted to get caught.
Mary M
I’m so sorry it’s turned out like this for you, I agree with Kristi, did his phone pick up by accident, it’s seems convenient. Maybe he was looking for a get out especially if he has told her that he’s done and doesn’t want to even try with her. You’re not a bad person, I’ve been in both positions before and although at the time i hated the other woman for taking my husband, once I started to concentrate on what was wrong within my marriage, I began to understand why he’d strayed, although not excusing it. Not sure if it’s a good idea that you be his shoulder to cry on, I would think he needs to decide what he is going to do, I don’t think you have to cut him dead, but give him chance to get things straight
Good Luck
mary m,
I don’t know what to say. My MM has been trying to get caught with me since they were dating. I have to take steps not to get HIM caught. You are not a bad person, you seem to care deeply for him. I’m with you, I don’t want to be a part of the decision. If you want out, get out. Don’t make me part of the equation.
It seems as if your MM jumped way too soon. He is definitely a newlywed. Is he scared to be a father? Are the responsibilities of marriage too much for him right now?
honestly i don’t think that he answered his phone on purpose. he is torn up about hurting her like this and that would be a cruel way to do it. however, i think that it forced her to see that there was something wrong here and it nudged him to come clean with his feelings.
voice,
u are absolutely right that i shouldn’t be his shoulder to cry on, but right now i don’t want to be another person making him feel like an asshole so i don’t know what else to do!
kristi,
he definitely jumped to soon! they were only 24 and together a year when they got engaged. i don’t think that he is scared to be a father, but he knows that its wrong to bring a baby into this marraige. she thinks it will fix things and he knows that it won’t. i do think that the responsibilities are a lot for him, but i think that is because all their marraige is is responsibilities. he said that they never have fun together and that they don’t even talk anymore.
thank you for listening to me ramble on about this! i honestly don’t have anyone else i can talk to. i guess you all know that unless you are in this situation you can’t possibly understand it!!!
Ramble away, most of my family would knock in me into next week(verbally of course) if they knew what I was doing…. π
You are so right Voice. My mother would absolutely have a heart attack.
I need to vent, I am sick to my stomach. I broke it off with my MM around three weeks ago and I miss him so much, My husband left me around nine years ago and I haven’t been with another man since. Until this MM came into my life and we started out as friends and we got together last December 2005. I really didn’t expect it, he has been coming onto me for so long but I never took it too seriously because he was married. he would keep asking me when are we going out? all the time and I joked and said we can’t you are married. I love him so much that it hurts. When I see them together I get hurt, they both look miserable when they are getting in and out of the car. He lives four doors down from me. He is 14 years younger than me. I don’t think he would ever leave his wife for many reasons. He has a 11 year old son, he has a couple of properties, I think he would take a loss and he says he was married in the Catholic Church, But him being married in a Catholic Church he is committing adultery. I just got tired of the excuses and him not making time for me. I just wanted to talk, I have my good days and my bad days. I know she suffers from depression, she wears these wigs and she doesn’t let her son out to play on the street. He is eleven years old and he sits in the house all the time I feel bad for him. None of them have a life. they say misery loves company
Mary L
I can’t begin to imagine what it is like having him so close at hand, you say you broke it off? Does he want to get back with you or has he accepted it?
In not so many words he wants to stay with me, but he never took me out in one years time. He kept making promises to do things with me but it never happened. He always has an excuse. The only time he wants me is when it is convenient for him and it usually has to do with sex. I told him I want more, meaning doing things together. I understand he is married but in one year we never went out on a date. We could do things that don’t take a long time, e.g. lunch, take a walk, picnic, fast dinner. I never asked him for money or do anything around my house for me. i’m very independent, I’m opposite of his wife he said. He has to do everything, from changing the trash bag in the can, the food shopping, running out to the store for things. He works six days a week. I believe he is not happy but he does have a lot to lose. I only wanted to taken out. Is that too much to ask, He says he doesn’t have a life, so change it, you make your own life. He tells me he has strong feelings for me. Then treat me with respect. Over the holidays he never called to wish me a happy birthday which was December 24, never wished me a Merry Christmas or happy New Years. He has changed since last December, He couldn’t wait to be with me, he would call me more. I think once he knew he had me, the thrill was gone.
mary l,
you do deserve more then that so i think you did the right thing by breaking it off. it will hurt for a while especially since he is so close by, but you will never find someone to do the things you are looking for if you still have him in your life.
i am trying to break it off as well. it was so hard at work last night. we have to work side by side behind this small bar and everytime he brushes past me chills go through my whole body, but she knows now and everything is different. he decided to try and work it out which is the right thing to do and i told him that, but now i’m just so sad. she came into the bar last night and he assured me that she didn’t know it was me. i didn’t want to give it away by snubbing her so it took all courage i had to say hello to her and when i did i got the worst look i’ve ever gotten. i didn’t know what to do so i walked away went into the kitchen to catch my breath. he said he never told her, but i guess it is women’s intuition. i had a knot in my stomach until she left. he kept apologizing saying that he told her he needed time alone and not to come in, but i don’t think she came in only to see him. she left pretty early and i started to feel better. he then started acting like he always did, rubbing my shoulders and grabbing my waist. i resisted it, but then i did what i knew i shouldn’t and i started drinking. at the end of the night we walked out together and he grabbed me an kissed me goodbye, but then he left. he has never left after work before we always hang out for hours. i was crushed, but i know that was the right thing. he said he would stay and hang out tonight, but i know if i do its just gonna keep getting harder. i drove home in tears last night and unless i end this completely now i know i will have a lot more drives like that. now that she knows if he wants to work this out there will be no more hanging out til 630am and i know that we wont be able to get together during the week. when he said he was finished and didn’t even want to try and fix it i was upset because i didn’t know what to do but now that he is trying to fix it i feel so much worse. this is a lose lose situation and we all need to get out of it! we are only setting ourselves up to get hurt.
Mary M,
Be strong… It will get easier with time, after all that’s what everyone says.
Good luck and we are here if you need us.
Mary M
How can he try and fix it when he is rubbing your shoulders and kissing you still. Maybe the wife doesn’t want to work it out. Is he still living with her? Does he look happy or miserable. Maybe this is what he wanted, things are done for a reason. I hope my MM is miserable, I hate living on the same block as him. I just hope he doesn’t call me because when he talks I melt, I feel like a school girl having a crush. I feel so happy when I am with him, but I need respect from him. They had their son when they were 18 years old. He married her when his son turned 6 years old. I don’t know why they waited so long. I think he is staying with her for all the wrong reasons. The son, Being married in a Catholic Church, He has three properties involved. Something tells me they don’t have sex anymore. thanks for listening. I hope he will leave her one day to be with me. I’m not going to hold my breathe but one can only hope. I told him I was married in a Catholic Church and I got a divorce. If you both are not happy why stay together.
mary l,
i think the son has a lot to do with it. that is probably the reason he got married in the first place, because if it was just to be with her then he would have done it long before his son’s 6th birthday! he will call, but try not to melt unless he is telling you that his bags are packed! you do need respect from him and you’ll get that by respecting yourself enough to resist him. haha i wish i could follow my own advice!
i didn’t do a good job of resisting him again last night. i am just so confused! he keeps telling me that he likes me so much and that he doesn’t want to end this, but i am not really sure where he stands in his marraige. he says that he doesn’t want to work it out, and then he says that he owes it to her to try. it just doesn’t seem like he is trying at all! he stayed with me til 6am knowing that she knew what he was doing and that he was going to get in trouble when he got home. i got a text message from her at 630 saying “you better stay the hell away from my husband”. i don’t know how she got my number and i haven’t talked to him all day so i don’t know what happened when he got home. i keep telling him that i’m done, but then i don’t follow through. honestly if i were her i wouldn’t want to work it out at this point. i asked him how he was staying out this late when he knew she would be up waiting for him and he said “i know she is, but i don’t want to leave you yet”. what do i do about this??? i like him so much but its early. what if he leaves her and in a month i decide i don’t like him? or what if i fall in love with him and then he realizes he made a mistake? could i ever trust him? i have so many things running through my head. and why is she telling me to stay away from him? does she think he plays a part in this? i am a little nervous that she is going to come in my work and cause a scene and i really don’t know how to handle that.
Does he have an itemised phone bill, maybe she got it from that??? If she sent you a message telling you to stay away, is it possible that he has said you are bothering him????? Either way he needs to sort himself out. It’s really unfair of him to keep blowing hot and cold on you. You shouldn’t tell him you’re done unless you mean it, otherwise he’ll know he can get away with it. I’m surprised the wife hasn’t kicked him out if he’s staying out til 6am with you. As for her coming to your place of work, I’m not sure what I’d do, I suppose if she causes that much of a scene, she’ll get herself thrown out but it’s sonething you’ll need to be prepared for, as she’ll more than likely want to say her piece.
Mary M
Are they still living together? I would text her back saying that you and him are through. I know exactly how you feel, when they call you forget that you are angry or upset. Does your MM have any kids? I love when the wife blames it on the other woman and not her husband. You don;t know what he tells her. He probably is covering his but and saying it’s all your doing. Do you ever think about confronting her? How do you know the text was from her? She should be angry at him for not coming home, how is that your fault? I’ll be surprised if she would take him back, Maybe she doesn’t want to try again.
mary m,
My, this isn’t getting any easier, is it? I would not acknowledge her. Let him communicate with her. This is not your job or responsibility. You can only do what he allows you to do. The issue of respect lies with him. They have problems. Their problems are not with you. I wonder what in the heck my MM’s wife is thinking when he is up till all hours on the phone or coming home later and later. They are not clueless. He chose to stay out with you. Don’t feel guilty about it.
Mary L,
That is the question of the day, “What in the heck are they telling their wives?” We can only guess.
That’s my point too kristi, Mary M got the text saying ‘stay the hell away’ None of us know, he could have been telling the wife that she has been pestering him and won’t leave him be and telling her that he wants to make a go of his marriage. Then when he’s back with Mary M, it’s a different story.
I just have a few things to say: Eight years…down the drain. Three kids’ childhoods wasted. Never left his wife and still doesn’t plan to. DO NOT STAY IN IT NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!!!!!!!!!!
My MM told me he is happy? How can you be happy if you are sleeping with another woman? someone explain to me. I think my MM is lacking something with his wife in this area. He complains that he has no life, he has to do everything e.g the food shopping, fill her car with gas and get it detailed. He has to do the projects with his son, always running out to the store. What does he have to be happy about?. I think he is in denial. His son sat in the house today with his parents. He’s never allowed out to play and he is eleven. They fight about that all the time, she is afraid that someone will take him. The son still plays with guns. He won’t ever have a life living in that house. I understand you have to be careful, but he needs friends to play with not his parents. I can’t why he doesn’t stand up to her. They do not go on any vacations. Mary M how can your MM tell you he wants to try to make it work with his wife, then he spends the night with you, he’s not trying very hard.What is he thinking that his wife thinks it’s ok to stay out all night. I wonder about men sometimes. Everything is about them, what they want, need.
Mary L,
I don’t think men are explainable….:-)
I’m with you though I don’t see how a guy can be happy when he is seeking attention from elsewhere. My MM is with me in part because he doesn’t get the intimacy that he wants with his wife. To look at them though they look they the perfect couple, but they’re not. Your MM sounds very much like he is so bogged down with daily life that he is just putting up with it and going through the motions. As for the son, his life seems to mirroring that of his parents, he needs friends as you say, although I don’t think his life will necessarily change if he leaves, as it’s the wife that is worried about him going out.
Mary l,
You are right. I don’t think we can deny that these men are selfish. My MM acts as if nothing is wrong with his marriage. HUH?? You have never, ever been faithful to this woman (even while dating) but you loved her enough to marry her? I wonder if these wives have something hanging over their heads (especially yours Mary L–that poor son of theirs). I think I need to ask mine if they agreed to have an “open marriage”. I would love to hear his response. Not to put myself down, put I can’t imagine what I am doing that his wife won’t do or has never done. He is quite easy to please in every area–conversation, sex, time spent/hobbies. I think it is time for me to have the big “sit-down” with him. This has been ten years on and off–nonsense. I know it sounds crazy, but I would never be jealous of the wife but may be a little put off if I knew of other, “other women”.
CTL,
You have three children by your MM? Is he taking care of them?
Kristi,
Do you think it’s an open marriage???? Or are you just curious???
Voice,
I can’t think of any other reason he is still doing this. I know the wife–she is not stupid.
I can imagine that she gives him hell for the late nights. I have to make him get off the phone with me at night and go get in the bed with her. I assume they sleep in the same bed. If I tell him to call me tonight at midnight, 2, 3 in the morning, he will. When he calls, he does not whisper, surely she hears he is on the phone. I want to know what is going on, even if it is not my business. He thinks late nights arrivals are better than early morning arrivals–I told him think again and that he was being disrespectful either way. Then again, he knows what is going on in his household, I don’t.
I wouldn’t say it’s none of your business, if you’re under the belief that you are the ‘secret’ other woman and that this isn’t the case, and there may be more than you, you should know about it. I’d be put out too. I must admit I try to know as little about my MM’s home life as possible cos if I knew they were all lovey with each other it would probqably drive me nuts. I assume that what he tells me is how it is, kinda naive but it keeps me sane π
Voice,
I don’t know what to think. I would be no surprise. She thought we were sleeping together long before we ever took that step while they were dating. Out indifference toward one another stems from him. The fact that it is me would devastate her and he knows it (that’s if this is not an open marriage). For my health, I want to know of others and I certainly don’t need him to deny it to make me feel “special”.
Voice,
If yours was lovey dovey with his wife, how genuine could it be?
I know using the words trust and cheating MM don’t exactly go well together, but if you have a big sit down with your MM, do you think he would be straight with you??? Do you know enough about his timetable to know if he has time for any others????
I’m not sure, it was his wife told me that they don’t have sex anymore, if he had told me then maybe I’d have cause to wonder. I suppose it’s the same thing of not knowing what goes on behind the marital closed doors.
Yes, I think he would be honest with me, especially if I tell him I am concerned about passing diseases around. I don’t think he would be so careless as to not wear a condom and bring anything home to his wife. I say this with caution as he tried to get me to have sex with him without a condom while they were dating and I refused. When I brought up pregnancy and the girlfriend, he didn’t seem to concerned. I respect his privacy and know him well enough to know that he feels insecure about something, I just don’t know what. He is very open and is not hesitant with his feelings. I do not know if the problem lies with his wife or if he is just unhappy with life period. I can’t see that he has time for anyone else. The time he gives me, I know he takes from her. I am not designated to days of the week or nights only. We talk and sometimes see one another mornings, afternoons, nights, and weekends.
Curious question to all ladies, where are you?
I’m in Mississippi
I think my MM would be honest with me too, we’ve had some very open and honest conversations, although he can be very guarded about how he feels too, by the way I’m across the pond, I’m just outside London
Voice,
I know it’s hard to determine how often men have sex as they always seem ready:). However, my MM may not always want sex, but he seems to crave affection and intimacy. How is it with your MM? Does he seem lonely?
My MM is a family man(don’t laugh). He’s been married a very long time, he is the type of person to makes sure everyone else is happy before himself. He has a good life, provides for his wife and all that. She went through the menopause a few years back, and become very unhappy as a result. She told me that she and they don’t need sex anymore in their relationship. He agreed to this, but as a result I think they are both unhappy. He seems to think his wife is unhappy with him anyway. I think he gets very lonely, sometimes when he visits me, it’s not always about the sex, sometimes we can spend hours just talking about anything and nothing.
I love him and think the world of him, but he’s never promised me anything, he treats me well and we speak almost everyday. I know I am basically filling his need. I know we all say we don’t wanna fall for them but we do, but I’ve always known that he was never mine and he will always choose his wife over me.
So, is theirs “open”?
I think mine is attentive to the family needs as well. He pays the bills and does the things men are “supposed to do”.
No, it’s not open. His wife thinks they are fine and just that they don’t need the sex anymore at their time of life. I know her, and I think she would be devastated if she ever found out.
Voice,
Wow. She honestly believes this? You seem to be OK knowing he won’t leave his wife. I think this makes it more tolerable for me as well. I don’t want to be his wife and feel sorry for him at times that he doesn’t have what ne needs at home. I care for him and want him to be happy. I know that he has us both but the void lies elsewhere. I have one question before I put my son to bed, Should I ask if he has ever cheated on his wife or if there are others like me? Which one sounds nicer? I don’t want to make him feel bad with the question.
mary m,
How is everything?
I’m only ok with it, because he has always told me where I stand, as I said he has never promised anything. I asked my MM about anyone else when we first got together. All I said was, ‘Have you ever done anything like this before?’ Probably worked better worded this way cos we were at the start of things, but I would say ‘have there been any others like me?’ sounds better. But most importantly if you want to know for your peace of mind then ask, better that than to wonder about it. π
Hello Ladies! It seems like alot has happenned since my last post, well w/ everyone here on the board. I hope things are looking up for all of us here, especially the Mary’s.
I realized today that I am totally, utterly & completely lonely. And I think it’s him who triggers it. After all of our ups & downs, he has always left me to deal w/ this lingering feeling of lonliness & uncertainty. It is not a good feeling.
Of course, we don’t speak on the weekends. That is when he plays house w/ her. And that is also when I go crazy in my thoughts. What are they doing, what are their plans, what did they do for dinner, what did they talk about before they went to bed, did they spend the day together, did they have sex, are they happy, did they have a good weekend or did they have a distant weekend.
The more I think, the more I have come to the heartbreaking conclusion that he is more than likely not going to end his current situation. (He has a live in girlfriend & has for the past year & I am his ex girlfriend, off & on for 6yrs, including their 1 yr together.)
And you know what? I don’t want to do this anymore! This is so unfair to me. What am I waiting for? What IS it that he wants me to wait for? Him to be AVAILABLE? I mean really!
Before things got too serious, I wanted no part of it, but I couldn’t stop talking to him, so I avoided him & spoke w/ him when I felt like it.
When things started to get serious, I fought it. I would give him the 3rd degree, yell & argue. Ask him why me, why now, why did we have to go thru so much shit for him to realize he wanted me? Apparently the answers he gave have satisfied me.
And when things 1st started to get serious, he don’t me that she knows he’s not happy & that it will be over by Christmas. As we go closer to Christmas he said that wasn’t the case anymore.
Then he was laid off 1wk ago, so now his plans for work include her to help him watch his son so he can commute to work down where I live. When before he was asking me to move in w/ him in March. Not to mention he wants me to get pregnant. WTF?
Maybe he is just CRAZY. Maybe this shit he tells me is just ridiculous nonsense. Becuz that’s what it seems like. Crazy talk.
It doesn’t help that I’m crazy too. We had been talking about taking a cruise in Sept. And now he says he can’t go. That’s in Sept. That means in Sept. he still plans on being w/ HER. And that means in Sept. He has no plans of really being w/ me & sharing his life w/ me not HER.
I am so jealous of HER, she comes out of nowhere & gets to play house w/ him in his new life! While I wait around for years for him to leave me over & over again! For him to pick her!
And while he goes thru this “in-between-jobs-and-I-am-so-frustrated”- he is calling me to be his listening ear. I mean, does he talk to her? I know he loves talking to me, do they not communicate? Does he treat her better? Worse? The same? All of these questions are driving me insane.
And everything he does while we are together would indicate that he is trying very hard not to get caught, and we share minimal time when he can sneak away, at the most 3 or 4 hours, 2x’s a month. And he washes up up when he leaves & never uses my girly bath products.
I don’t think I am going to answer his calls for awhile. Maybe non-chalantly answer so he’s not totally blind sided & won’t expect it & tell him I’ll call him back, I am busy. And this weekend is one he’s in town. I think I am going to be busy. Yes, busy… if only I could follow thru.
I am lonely becuz I am waiting for him. I stayed home all weekend & was SO sad, becuz I allow him to hold this power over me. I need to get my head straight, becuz my heart is leading me down the same path I have already taken before w/ him. And I don’t know if I can survive the destruction again.
Thanx for letting me vent. BTW, I am in California. All the best to you lovely ladies!
Lips,
Sorry, but this sounds terrible. Is there anyone else you are interested in so that he can become your other and not only? There is no reason to put your life on hold for him. Get out and live and talk to him when it is convenient for you. You should be fitting him into your schedule, not vice versa. Turn the tables on him.
Damn good advice Kristi,
Lips.
Don’t be at his beck and call. get other interests in your life and make him fit around you. Don’t ever be waiting for a married man, it’s sooo unlikely to happen. But just remember that if you deliver him the ultimatum, be prepared to stick it all the way through, or he’ll just think he can walk all over you and that’s just not on.
Thanks for the support Kristi & Voice.
I am working on being busy. I am at work this morning & so far have avoided 3 phone calls. Why do I feel bad for avoiding him? Why do I feel so loyal to him??
I do have other options, I need to get out again, you are all right. I need to make my life, full & enjoyable again. I spent all weekend moping, sad & lonely & wasted that free time. I was so excited to come to work! Imagine that!
I heard that today was Blue Monday, the saddest day of the year, due to aftermath of Christmas & unfufilled New Year’s resolutions. I don’t feel so blue today, perhaps it’s my denial or numbness coming thru.
I read this quote this weekend, “Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.” How perfect is that?
I am trying some deep breathing & getting engrossed in my work to make it thru today. I don’t know when I plan to talk to him, it is inevitable. But once I do, I will be here to share.
Wouldn’t it be so nice to all meet for coffee? Oh the stories we would tell.
Thanks again for letting me vent. π
Lips,
Loved the quote–Thanks! Stay strong and remember that you are a person without him.
Its over! i told him i can’t do this anymore and that he has nothing to offer me and he agreed. i thought he would put up more of a fight, but he didn’t at all he said that it would be hard but that he thought it was the right thing too. i am comfused because he made it sound like his marraige was over even before i came into the picture but i didn’t question him. i am sad because chemistry like we had doesn’t come around every day, but i want to find it with someone available. we are still going to be friends just no benefits anymore. it is a little relieving to not have to worry about what he is going to do anymore. he is staying with her and thats the right thing. i am lucky that i got out before i really feel in love with him, because i could already feel that happening. thank you all for being there for me this has been really hard and i know it will still be hard until i am over him!
Wow Mary! What a big step. Good for you. Remember we are all here for you. It won’t be easy. I was reading the other article on here on breaking up w/ the married/attached man. Have you read it? I am sure it will be very helpful. I read it this weekend. It put alot in perspective. Isn’t amazing how we can put all this energy into the affair & then tell them we are done & they totally are fine w/ it while we agonize at even coming to the conclusion & taking the step?
So far today I have avoided 5 calls. Hope he doesn’t track me down at work.:p
Or maybe it will be easy?? It won’t be easy for me. I re-read what I wrote & it seemed harsh. I didn’t intend it to be. I hope it will be easy for you. I hope it doesn’t hurt for too long & I hope soon, this will all blow over & you will find happiness & true love.
Stay strong. I am trying to myself. I know stayong strong is not easy for me.
Even though I’m pulling in the opposite direction and don’t want my situation to end yet(I know it will eventually), well done both of you,
Be strong… π
I just called him back & broke up w/ him & he was okay w/ it. He didn’t want to argue, he just said I was crazy (which I wasn’t) and I told him I can’t do this anymore becuz I am going crazy. I told him to forget it ever happenned. I meant the whole part where we told eachother that we loved one another.
I think I am going to throw up. It’s like I got socked in the stomach so hard. I can’t think, let alone work. Probably not the best time to do something like this, huh??
Lips,
It would never be a good time to break up, It’s going to be extremely hard. It’s been almost four weeks for me and I have my good days and my bad days. I feel so hurt because I am such a good person and I think men in general take advantage of the other woman at times. They think its alright how they can get away with what they do. Sometimes I hope his wife is making his life miserable and I hope she would find out about us. I would never tell because I am not that kind of person. I truly believe what goes around comes around. He’ll get his day. I believe in karma. I just hope its soon. LOL Everything was always about him. I told him I’ve been a single parent for nine years, I work and take care of the house, cook, do laundry and help my daughter with her projects. I think he thinks my life is a bed of roses. he says his wife makes him do everything. That’s his fault, I don’t think they sleep in the same bed. he lives four doors down from me and every morning at 6:15am I am leaving for work and his basement light is on. I think he sleeps down there. Otherwise why would you be down the basement that early in the morning everyday. I’m from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. My MM is 30 years old and I am 44. Talking about robbing the cradle, but he is so sexy. Before we hooked up he was so different, always asking me out. I thought he was joking because we are neighbors. I think if he left her, Him and his son would have half a life. He wouldn’t be sitting in the house, I would make sure he went out with friends, bowling, skating, ice skating, movies with his friends. He is missing out on so much and I blame both the parents not just her. My MM needs to get some b lls.
It’s horrible, it’s been such a bad day. I am not good at this. I called him back to tell him I loved him & to live his life & call me someday. Why would I do that? Then, I called after I left work becuase there was a bunch of layoffs & I have been paranoid that I would get laid off & I didn’t!! So I called to tell him since he knew about all the nonsense & we talked & he said he’d call me back but he didn’t. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can do it so abruptly. I don’t know if I can make it thru this. I am so sad & I haven’t had a proper cry over it yet. I need too. Thanks for listening ladies. You are all wonderful. Look at how wonderful & loving & supportive we all are & we are dealing w/ this shit. Go figure!
lips,
stop! stop calling him no matter how much you want to. if that means posting on here every fifteen minutes or going running whatever it takes to keep you strong. you can do this! my mom always told me that you can be in your room crying all day, but never let them know. you teach people how to treat you! i know its hard, but you told him it was over and he said ok, he said he would call you back but then he didn’t. he is not at home crying over this and i know that is hard to hear and i don’t want to be harsh, but let him go at least for now. he may really miss you, but you have to give him that chance. i just don’t want you to end up feeling worse about all this. its already hard enough!
i personally have been running around all day. i got so much accomplished today just to keep my mind off of him. it is really hard. he is still texting me and calling me. he tries to act like everything is normal, but its not for me. it is over! i have told myself that a 100 times today and i am going to keep repeating it until i just get used to it. its easy to just not return his texts or talk to him nonchalant like every thing is just like it was when we were just friends. funny thing is that we just crossed that line less than a month ago, but it is really hard to go back. the hardest part is going to be work this weekend, but hopefully i will be used to it by then. i know he told me earlier that he thought it should end too, but he has since gone back on that and has said that he doesn’t think he will be able to control himself around me. i told him that he will, because neither one of us want to wreck his marraige.
Thanks Mary M.- I needed to hear that. It is not harsh but true. And I might need to post on here all the time too! Ohh what an emotionally draining day. Why is it so hard to let go? What am I letting go of? Him? The idea of him? The far off hope? The memory of him? Because I really think this has nothing to do w/ him & all to do w/ me.
So, tomorrow is a new day & it is going to be baby steps. And I will continue to breathe & move foward. And I will figure out what I need to do w/ my life in order to make myself happy.
I am healthy & still employed so that’s a start. I will take it one day at a time. In the meantime, I am heartbroken. It is so sad to let the dream go.
Have a great day ladies–a man free day:).
Do men ever decide on their own to stop seeing other women if the other women don’t stop it or if they aren’t caught?
How many of us never call (I don’t mean return the MMs phone calls), but never initiate the first call of the day? How many of us are truly in control of this relationship? Do we say when, where, and how? or do we simply avail ourselves when they do make contact?
I don’t think my MM would end things unless he got caught out. I only contact him first when I know exactly where he is and if he’s gonna be alone.
Lips,
Mary M is spot on, if you say it’s over, don’t call him or text him, keep yourself as busy as you can, someone will always reply if you post on here….. π He only said you were crazy for breaking up with him, cos he’s gonna miss out on your time and attention. As for ending it so abruptly, I always think a sharp clean break is so much better than a long lingering ‘lets not have sex but be friends’ approach. I’m not saying you can’t be friends again after a break, but to get over him will be so much harder if you have the constant attraction of him in the background. Get on with things, I thimk you could end up surprising yourself with how well you do after a while.
Quote of the day:
Γ’β¬ΕI donΓ’β¬β’t know why we all hang on to something we know weΓ’β¬β’re better off letting go..
ItΓ’β¬β’s like weΓ’β¬β’re scared to lose what we donΓ’β¬β’t really have.
Some of us say weΓ’β¬β’d rather have that something than absolutely nothing.
But the truth is…To have it halfway is harder than not having it at all!Γ’β¬Β
I heard this on the radio on my way to work as I wrestled w/ calling him. I didn’t.
Well done for not calling him…. How about this one….
Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls… because they can.Γ’β¬Β
π
voice,
i think you are probably right about being just “friends”, because it still feels the same with him. i ended it yesterday we both agreed, but now it is back to the way things always were during the week except no plans to see each other. right now it feels fine and i am not hurting, but that might be because i have already talked to him today. i guess the real test will be when i am forced to see him on friday.
lips,
i feel like a hypocrite, because i told you not to talk to your mm and i am still in contact with mine. i do think that it is a little different though, because we are just friends now i think. i don’t know i am confused of what his motives are! we were friends for a few months and then we hooked up for 3 weeks and now we are back to friends. will that work?
I personally rather have no contact with my MM, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. That’s why I’m glad it’s winter time and I don’t see him as much as if it would be the summer time. What pisses me off the most is that when I see them together. How can he even look her in the eyes. I don’t know if he’s ever done this before, but he told me no. He may have lied for all I know. They just bought a dog yesterday, just what they needed. My MM was walking the dog this morning, like he doesn’t have enough to do. They buy their son everything, I think to replace him not having friends. His son is so anti-social, and I blame them both because he doesn’t go out. She wears the pants in that house. I do miss him so much and I think about him when I’m lying in bed at night. I don’t cry anymore. My life has to go on and I just pray that one day we will be together, you never know. We will all have our bad days and good days and the feelings won’t go away over night. It will get easier. They say set it free and if it comes back to you, it is yours and if it doesn’t it never was. Sometimes I get so mad because all the things he does for her and she doesn’t appreciate him. I would try to have as little contact as possible to make it easier on yourself girls
Mary L
Mary M,
I suppose the best thing you could probably do is wait til Friday, see what happens….. Do You think he’ll be touchy feely with you???, I think that maybe it will be difficult to be just friends if he is doing all the brushing past you etc etc.
Mary L,
Their life sounds so miserable….. What purpose does a dog serve??? Surely it can’t be for the boy, if he’s not allowed to go out much, he can hardly get any enjoyment from walking it, or taking it to the park or whatever!!!! Strange.
Help. I need some advice – sort of same situation? I dated someone and found out they were in the process of breaking up with someone. We were exclusive for some time then he changed; you know the story – he said he loved me, but things were complicated. Turns out he cheated on me; she pregnant and now he is living with her. I continue to see him. He did tell me he loved me. I have never told him how I feel. I love him. His smile, his voice, everything about him; except, his cheating. What do I do? Should I tell him how I feel before I decide on what to do?
Acinimin,
I don’t see a good outcome for this. Does she know about you?
Acinimin
When you say you continue to see him, do you mean seeing him or having a relationship/sex etc????. I think the odds are stacked against you, he’s already put you to one side in favour of someone else that he got pregnant while he was with you. Get out of the situation before he uses you any more.
Thanks for the input. I’m very confused as he wanted to continue the relationship and I refused to forgive the lies and that’s when he started seeing her and got her pregnant. I’ve had a very rough year dealing with other stuff and he’s been my support so I’m really struggling. She does not know about me. We are having a relationship – he claims he would not be with her if this did not happen. REading all your emails does make me think I’d better get out sooner rather than later.
Sorry if I’ve got this wrong, but does he claim that he’d be with you if she wasn’t pregnant?
So if I’m right and he can’t leave while she’s pregnant….surely it will be all the more difficult as time goes on and the baby’s born etc????
Seems to make the chances of him leaving her for you pretty slim.
Acinimin,
If he does leave, are you willing to accept this baby into your life? Are you willing to deal with the mother throughout your relationship with him? It appears she was deceived as well. I hope the two of you don’t take it out on each other. With a baby on the way, if he does choose you, it is imperative that the two of you are at least civil.
Thanks for the input Kristi. I am willing to accept it all. I’m just worried that I may not have made a stand either way. Am I looking through this with rose coloured glasses?
Acinimin,
This may sound flip, but live your life and if he comes to you when he is free, you have the option of taking him back. Don’t wait for him and don’t give up a new romance for him. If you have a new man when he comes back, tough luck for him. He will always be tied to his child’s mother. You cannot escape that. He is not your life. Don’t let him think that he is.
Acinmin,
Why is he with her? Is it because of the baby? Ask him what does he want. Do you know for sure if she is pregnant? maybe she is just saying that to keep him? Is she showing yet? Maybe he is lying? Find out more info on this situation. Good Luck, You can never trust what I guy tells you. Does she know about you?
Lips how are you today?
Voice
They buy him everything he wants because they don’t let him have any friends, no sleepovers. He’s not allowed to ride his bike around the corner. They still baby him, he’s going to be a sissy. I hate to say that. He does not go to school in our neighborhood. they drive him to a school where they use to live six years ago, never changed school. He is anti social just like the mother. How are you doing today?
Mary,
I do know she’s pregnant. Baby due this month. He claims he doesn’t want to screw up any more and this is the right thing to do. He says he’s sorry he lied to me, but has strong feelings. She knows nothing about me. I don’t understand why I keep this going, but can’t lay my cards on the table and tell him how I feel. Your stories make me think better to just walk away or I’ll be posting the same stories….
Hey ladies, I am doing well today. I am completely overwhelmed @ work & am SO busy & working overtime that the week has been a blur.
I have to report my slip up, I know, we’re here to talk & not judge but I didn’t last too long on the breakup.
Remember how he never called? After I broke it off & called again to talk about the layoffs? Well, I texted him a tongue & cheek song lyric & he called me back & said “I thought you were done, you keep changing your mind & you need to make it up”. Which ended in a mild conversation.
He called today & I talked to him briefly but I was inundated @ the office. BUT, I recvd a strange call today & I think it was HER.
It was from a blocked #. I answered & said “Hello” a few times before a female said “Dirty Bitch”. I don’t know who else would call me & say that. I called him & went off. I asked if she knew & told him he needed to check her cuz I don’t have time for the drama. It really set me on edge. I felt like I was in high school.
I think it was her. I think she is smart and I think she is calculated. He thinks she doesn’t know. I think she does. If she accuses him, it’s becuz she has doubts & she has doubts becuz she knows. I’m thinking that she has looked @ his phone bills & call logs on his phone & texts & she is figuring things out. If she calls the random # on his phone bill & test messages & it’s a girl, it confirms what she already knows. I don’t know.
And really, I don’t have the time to think about it today. I have to log onto my email & finish up some work. Glad I still have a job & glad it is keeping me busy.
Not sure where I’m at but I have weekend plans, work is busy & my head is crammed w/ so much else that I am not even thinking of him today.
I just hope that my mood picks up & I am enjoying myself while I am keeping busy. I hope that it keeps me distracted & then helps me from getting so caught up in all of THIS.
How is everyone else doing?
Acinimin, if she is pregnant & due so soon, I think it will be very hard once the baby comes. It is my worst fear that SHE gets prognant. Becuz then he is w/ her, bound to her for life. Where is he at w/ this? He is still actively pursuing you?
Voice, Kristi & Mary’s- all the best.
Hi Ladies, Hope everyone is ok.
It’s my MM’s wedding anniversary today, it gets me down a bit(don’t really know why?) I try not to think about it too much, usually just keep busy. However I often wonder how he feels on occasions and family get togethers like this.
Voice,
I hope you have a good day:). I often wonder the same. How can you come from a family gathering and call me? How can you wake up and tend to your child and call me? My MM even called me the day he got back from their honeymoon (they had a late one). I was shocked to say the least.
Do you think he will act differently toward you tomorrow?
Kristi,
No I don’t think he’ll be any different, well he wasn’t last year anyway. I know exactly what you mean though, it sometimes seems strange to see or speak to him on days that really don’t have anything to do with me. as I said I just wonder on occasions like this what he’s thinking or feeling. As I said before he values his family life so much. Maybe he feels torn or at least distracted I suppose
Voice,
I don’t know if they are torn. It is odd to me. My MM loves his child, and I’m sure his wife. Perhaps it’s the fact that they really “can’t” talk to us during that time/those days and it makes them want to contact us more?
It often makes me uncomfortable–is it love or psychopathology–i.e. Scott Peterson calling Amber during Laci’s memorial? I know the example is extreme, but is it so different?
My MM has a baby at home and I often ask him, Where is your baby? Why aren’t you at home? I have to initiate his leaving me and it makes me uneasy. Why wouldn’t you want to go home? How complicated could home be? Home should be your safe-haven, where you WANT to go to get away from it all. It should not be the place you reluctantly retreat to everyday.
Can clearly identify with all of you. I’m in love with him…totally. But as some of you rightly said, I chose him and I knew what I was getting myself into. You have to know when enough is enough. Love yourself!
Wow i never knew we were this many OW! its amazing. I found this site only last week when as if a meteorite fell from venus and hit me and told me “Girl, what the hell are you doing to yourself.” I mean not that i did not beat myself down for getting into the relationship a year ago?
But ever since the beginning of this year, i am seeing my attached man in a different light than i saw him when i was madly in love with him. Just talking to him knowing very well what he is doing to me just disgusts me.
You see thats what happens, they get us hooked, blinded and then we are trapped, thinking we can never get out. But let me tell you all me fellow strong(even though you do not see yourselves as so) beautiful women, we are better than that. we are better than being thrown at crumbs ( who said we are dogs), we are better than being left in the cold on hoilidays and weekends wondering when they will call again, we are better than crying ourselves to sleep because they are not there to dry our tears and hold us the whole night to tell us they love us.
Its time to make a change ladies. I have been trying to get out of this mess for the longest so dont think i am the strongest woman alive. but enuff is enuff and now im brighter and one very disillusioned woman. I am willing to let him go.
The first and last advice given in this section are the best. “Plan your escape” and “Dont cope with being the other woman”. I am doing mine right now as i write and it feels so good coz he doesnt know wat is coming. I am picking up my pieces and ready to start a new life. Its time to say as Beyonce says “To the left, to the left…dont you ever for a second get to thinking……… your IRREPLACEABLE!!!” Oh i love that song.
So ladies do you think you can do this with me? Do you think you are ready to get them shackles off your feet so you can walk? Walk away from this imprisonment and into the freedom we deserve? Do you? If not at least do it for better mental, emotional, psychosocial and spiritual health. And stop worrying yourselves with the never ending questions. Do it for you, because who is gona love you better than you do?
Im DUNN, and i am praying very hard that i do not fall into the black hole again. But now i resent him so much i dont think i can love him again. Love comes and goes ladies, but your heart will always be with you, be good to it. you only have one heart anyway! Good Luck yall and please wish me luck too!
disillushioned,
i do wish you the best, however i don’t think that everyone here is at the same place as you.
i gave mine up the other day or at least i think i did… maybe! i know that staying friends is a reciepe for disaster, because already after only a couple days his tone is changing. he said earlier today that he thinks something is wrong with him, because he almost ruined his marriage this week, but he still can’t stop thinking of me. i told him to stop and that we are just friends now, but i still liked hearing it. i know i am going to want to hook up with him tomorrow night. the problem is that i don’t really care that he is married before she found out i knew that this was going nowhere and i was having fun just living in the moment.
thank goodness for myspace! i saw a comment she posted to her best friend saying “thanks for everything this weekend and will you go up to the bar with me on friday?” i know that she is going to say something to me. he promises that she won’t, but i know that if she doesn’t her best friend definitely will. i am just so greatful that i am prepared for it this time. last week was brutal!
voice,
maybe he is not happy with her and in that case it ould make him miss you more, but i also think that it is possible to love 2 people. he could just be used to leading a double life so even on days like this it doesn’t make him stop thinking of you.
mary m,
Be careful! Maybe you should ask a friend up there as well. I would hate for them to jump on you. Does the bar have security????
Disillusioned,
Good luck with getting over your MM,
Mary M,
Just remember you are entitled to be able to get on with your work, if she or her friend give you that much hassle, then can you have them ejected??? Whatever they think of you, to activily seek you out to attempt to humiliate/go of on one at you is wrong, and causing you problems at work isn’t on, will he be there? maybe if he is, he should keep her in line.
I don’t really know to much about my MM’s home life, I try not to ask, cos I’d rather not know, in case I don’t like the answer…. π
he will be there and hopefully at the same bar as me. i don’t think they will do anything crazy especially since she is trying to save her marraige even after he said that he doesn’t know if its possible. so i think that they will just stare and make snide remarks under their breath. i work at a night club so we have a ton of security, but i wouldn’t really want to get his wife kicked out mainly because i don’t want anyone to know about this.
oh i totally forgot to tell you guys… remember how he stayed with me until 6am on saturday and then she sent me that nasty text?? well she never said anything to him for being out so late!!! how messed up is that? he didn’t know about the text he said she must have gone through his phone as soon as he went to sleep and he said that he doesn’t think she knew that he was with me. if she didn’t know then why did she text me less than an hour after i got home? and where did she think he was til 6am?
Mobile phones have a lot to answer for…… I’m single, but I delete anything incriminating on mine. I don’t think anyone would go through my phone, but as me and my MM have mutual friends it seems safer just in case.
How can she not wonder where he is til 6 am, thats just odd to not even want an explanation. If she didn’t know it was you why even bother texting???. Naive of him to think that she wouldn’t work it out I think
I just want to say that I think it is so odd that my MM wife never looked at his phone or his bill. She doesn’t have a cell phone because she would bother him too much. She calls all the time when we were together and after awhile she would get their son to call. He use to come in my back door and we live four doors down from each other, he really took a risk. I miss him so much but I knew I had to do this. I don’t even know if he thinks about me and that hurts. It’s so difficult living on the same street. He hasn’t tried to contact me after I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I don’t know if he is mad? I think he has too much on his plate? He told me he was attracted to me because I am independent. I do everything my self, I’m a single parent. We never went out on a date. He would come over my house or we would go park some place. I got tired of that. I hope one of us gets what we want for Valentine’s day. I still have hope.
Mary L,
I think my MM is stupid if he thinks his wife doesn’t look at his phone or computer as he is on it all hours of the night. He says everything has a password, but that would raise my suspicions as well.
Does anyone do anything for valentine’s day with their MM’s, I’ll get mine a small present, I don’t ever get him a card for valentine’s day or any occasion, as he can’t keep anything like that. He sent me some flowers to my house. he also got me a bracelet last year.
Voice,
My MM usually gives me gifts for holidays.
Give him back his free meal ticket and pat his cute lil’ ass and tell him to stay home. Good Boy!
i have to go to work in an hour. i have such mixed emotions about it. on one hand i really cant wait to see him, but on the other hand i know that she will be there and i hate him for putting me through this! do you ever feel that way?
It’s the strong love & hate thing. I love mine as much as I hate him. I think she knows & I think he is laying low, he hasn’t called in 2days, which isn’t like him. Or, he has taken my 1day break up seriously. π
Thinking of you Mary M, Hope work goes ok, we’re here whether it does or doesn’t. π
Lips,
If it’s unlike him to not call, then he may well be laying low, I’m sure he’ll call when he can.
Mary M
In answer to your Q, Not sure I hate my MM at times, I hate the situation, that gets me down even though I have no place to argue about it. I also hate when we have something planned, and it gets wrecked at the last minute. That thankfully hasn’t happened too often, but it’s a huge disappointment when it does
this whole thing gets crazier every weekend!!! last night around 9pm she texted me with “i forgive you for everything that happened, if i forgave him then i guess i have to forgive you. i would like to talk to you when i come in.” i was at a different bar then him so i forwarded him the texts and asked him what i should do. he said that he wanted to talk to her first. i was so torn over what to do and i didn’t know if she would really walk across the club to the bar i was at just to talk to me, but then i turned around and she was there with his sister who i guess she is close with. it was still early in the night and they were the only 2 at my bar.
i told her i was sorry and i didn’t know how this happened. she said that they were working things out and that if him and i were to remain friends that she wanted to be comfortable with me. i almost fell over!!! she is actually allowing us to be friends!!! she said that he is not giving her a choice in the matter that he is not willing to let me out of his life at least as a friend and that is something she has to deal with. i felt so bad for her. how could she accept that? i would be out the door! she also asked me what we talk about so much. and i assured her that we didn’t talk about her and that he never said a bad word about her, which is true. i told her that if she wasn’t comfortable with us being friends i understood, but she just said again that he didn’t give her that option. he didn’t lie to me about anything. everything he said he told her was true and he told her EVERYTHING!!! he didn’t blame me for any of it he took ALL the blame! i am still in shock that she could accept this and forgive him and i’m even more shocked that she could forgive me!!!
is this crazy or what??? how are we going to be just friends? it didn’t work last night. i just wanted to talk about the whole thing in private so we sat in my car, but we started kissing and i kicked him out! i told him i cant do this! she was so sweet and how can i accompany him in breaking her heart? i just like him so much, but if i look at the way he is treating her it makes me wonder if he is the kind of person really want in my life. it is hard for me to see him as anything, but amazing, BUT am i blind? what do you girls think about this whole thing? i am so confused!!! should i just end it? how can i end when i like him so much???
Mary M,
He’s not trying to make it work with her. Why does he continue to stay with her did you ever ask him? He should really consider leaving her if he’s not going to try. Somtimes I hate my MM because I feel he is getting away with murder. I haven’t seen or heard from him in five weeks since I broke it off. I do miss him and in a way I wish he would call. He looks like something is bothering him, I don’t think he is happy about our situation. We have not gone out on a date in over a year in December. That is just not right. I’m standing my ground, he only came around when it was convenient for him. I hate seeing them together. it must be nice to see him at work. When I see my MM I feel like a teenager and I get butterflies in my stomach. I wish things were different for us.
Oh wow Mary M. Wow. What a nite. Wow. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d be so torn. That other person factor & now you have spoken w/ her, can put a face to the name & idea. Looks like he want to have his foot in the door w/ you while sitll staying w/ her??? If this is all coming to a head, maybe you can back out for awhile, while he’s figuring it all out??? What does he want? You two are friends w/ chemistry & it’s obvious he is talking & communicating w/ you & not her. It is you that he has that passion for right now. Why did they end up together? So many questions. How was the nite resolved? Where are you at now? Ladies, this board is great & I feel like I know all you, sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone & call you!
Mary M,
What can I say….. when your mind rings that bell, then run like hell, Your MM sounds like a prize manipulator, if I didn’t know any better I’d say he’d got his wife to believe that she is somehow to in part to blame for his straying. I have quite a wide circle of friends here tonight, with various experiences and after chatting we’ve come to the conclusion that that is what he has possibly done, Otherwise why would she forgive you both so easily. general opinion here is she would of scratched your eyes out by now(maybe it’s cos we’re british..lol)
He obviously has no intention of trying to salvage his marriage, and keep you as a friend. If he did, you wouldn’t have ended up kissing (well done for kicking him out btw)
Seems to me that he just wants both and can’t/won’t make a firm decision.
Lips,
I used to chat to my MM’s wife a lot and know a fair bit about her, but since I’ve started seeing him, I’ve backed off big time. She’s a lovely person, and I don’t think I could be how I was with her with what I’m doing. i think it’s a lot harder when you know the wife.
Voice,
I think it’s easier for me because I know the wife. It is easier for me to figure out what may or may not be going on. IF and when he decides to tell me how he got to this point, I would believe him. His wife is OK, but they were never friends and I think that is why they are having problems. I think they love each other as mates and not people first, if that makes sense to anyone. If I see her, I will speak and move on. I’m sure she knows what her husband is doing. I don’t think he makes it to bed any night before 1 or 2 in the morning. Surely, this means something to her. If she hadn’t noticed, I can’t blame him for seeking comfort elsewhere.
I agree with you Kristi, it does have advantages sometimes, for example it was his wife that told me a lot of details about their relationship, and she told me they weren’t having sex, would anyone believe it if their MM said that, My MM is with me for the comfort he doesn’t get at home. Most of my contact with my MM is during the day, sometimes evenings but never as late as your MM. If I see his wife, I will be polite and have a general chit chat, but I don’t feel comfortable delving any deeper than that anymore.
Voice,
My MM is a very sexual person, not demanding, but he enjoys it. It is part of who he is, so I can’t imagine him not being this way with his wife or her not wondering why he is less interested, if he even is. It’s almost like he stays up on the phone or online with me until he is exhausted so that when he goes to bed he will fall fast asleep. Unless he drugs her, surely she knows he is on the phone/online in the other room.
Kristi
I have the view and it’s not always popular with my friends, but I think a fairly important part of any good relationship is sex, I’m not saying that anyone should be forced into anything, but I think it’s pretty common that a lot of relationships start to suffer because of the lack of intimacy. It seems to be common in both our situations, that the guys need to seek the intimacy elsewhere. What do you think????
Perhaps the medical issues have it. You know what yours is. I don’t know about mine. Perhaps something is going on with her medically and she doesn’t have the desire. I can’t imagine not wanting to work on this in a marriage. I think sex is a very healthy aspect of a marriage.
Maybe I’m just old fashioned, and think a girl should look after her man….. lol
Voice,
I agree. My MM is very specific about some things, but he is not a baby about it. Certain things “effect” him and he is not afraid to say it or ask for it. Perhaps she got tired of his requests. I guess I am old-fashioned as well.
Kristi,
From my situation point of view, I think it was really unfair of his wife to just decide that she and they as a couple didn’t need sex anymore. He agreed to this, because he didn’t want to pressure her, cos he’s a decent guy, but he is also a guy…. π He enjoys the physical, but we also spend alot of time talking about stuff, sometimes just to unwind, chat about what’s gone on in the day etc etc. I’m not saying he’s one of these ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ types. he’s never claimed anything like that. I just think he feels unloved and undesirable. Think he just likes to be wanted, then and again, don’t we all
Voice,
Your guy sounds like mine. Before the marriage, he would call me over just to lay in bed with him. He hates being alone. When I got there, he would hold me and go fast asleep. I hate that marriage didn’t end this loneliness for him.
I don’t know if my MM doesn’t like being alone so much, I think it’s more a case of he’s Mr Dependable for everyone else, always the one to shoulder the problems and all that. I think it’s a classic case of he sorts out everyone elses issues, but doesn’t feel he has anyone to talk to about his.
i ended it for real last night at least for now. i didn’t talk to him that much last night because we were at different bars and then after work i was stuck talking to someone else for an hour. we did walk out together though and he kissed me for a second, but i pulled away and told him i had to go. i texted him when i got in my car saying:
” this isn’t working for me. if you are working things out then you definitely should but it can’t be both anymore!”
he wrote back ” i think i should try to work things out with my wife but i also want you. i don’t want to end things between us but if it is not working for you then i guess we should stop.”
i wrote: “its not working for me and i want to stop!
he never got back to that. it was so hard to say and i don’t really want to stop, but its gotten to the point where it is more pain then pleasure. its not fun anymore and i like him so much, but i want more! i know that he can’t give me that right now and hopefully either he will be free or i will find someone who is and forget about him. it really pissed me off that he said that he thinks he should try and work things out with his wife but he still wanted to see me. it is IMPOSSIBLE to work on your marriage while having an affair. i think he needs to stop being selfish and decide what he really wants and i don’t think that he will leave her right now, but i won’t be his girl on the side anymore!
it was so hard last night to leave him like that, but i hope that it will get easier with time. my manager has heard the rumors about us and now she has decided to split us up. it sucks everyone is talking, but at least we wont be at the same bar anymore!
thanks you all for all of your advice this would be so much harder without you!
MM I know exactly how you feel, I didn’t want to stop seeing my MM but I had to for the same reason. I would cry and get hurt all the time when they went out or he would do things for her and not me. I was getting more pain then pleasure most of the time. I still have my good days and bad days, but mostly good days, it gets easier. Sometimes I think he doesn’t even think about me because he hasn’t tried to contact me. That hurts. One day you may be with him for the right reason. I hope everyday that my MM leaves his wife. I wanted more, I just wanted to be taken out on dates. I don’t think I was asking too much. I never asked him to buy me anything or do anything around my house for me. I’m very independent. any comments would be apprecitated
mary m,
You did the right thing. He is playing games.
Mary L,
You don’t know that he isn’t thinking about you. Perhaps it is just too close for comfort. I want to be strong as I did well when I was away from my MM. I can do it again and I can have a healthy relationship with someone else. Do you feel this is not an option for you? Are you putting off decent men in the hopes you two will be together soon?
I hope everyone is doing ok. I can’t thank this group enough for the support that it has given to me. Just reading the post and knowing that I’m not alone has helped. I can relate to sooooo many of you.
I haven’t posted in awhile. The last time I did, it was to tell the group about finding the song that my mm gave me on his wife’s myspace page.
I did talk to him about that, he said that he didn’t even know that she liked that kind of music and it was something that he listed to at home. He had no other explanation and said he really doesn’t know why she would put that one on there because it was just a song to her. Oh well.
Since then, I’ve looked at her myspace page, she has changed the entire thing, started to add more and more friends and even a blog.
She talks alot about being married to her bestfriend and how they are still going strong. It really just makes me want to PUKE. If only she knew that he didn’t feel the same way as she does. Then again maybe he does and it’s all a game to him.
My mind goes nuts when I see stuff like that. I read someone’s post on here where they said that they wonder what thier mm and his wife does all weekend….. what they are having for dinner, where they go, are they having sex and so on. I am EXACTLY the same way. I have tried ending it several times because I can’t handle my own thoughts sometimes…
I wish I never looked at her stupid myspace page but I can’t help it I’m NOSEY!
heartbroken,
I wonder the same thing–how does he really feel about his wife? Is he head over heels in love? Am I putting a twist on everything to explain his behavior? If it’s not a game, WHAT IS IT?
I guess thats the thing, if you’re gonna look at her myspace, then you have to be prepared for some uncomfortable reading, especially if she feels every thing is peachy.
Why is it so important to know what he is doing????
Voice- I don’t know why I look at her page…. I guess I’m really insecure in the relationship that I have with my mm and want to really know how things are between him and his wife.
He tells me that he doesn’t love her and that he is trapped- living with the woman he is married to and being in love with me. So I guess I have to look at her page always hoping that there is something on there that indicates that they aren’t happy- just to confirm what he says to me. Who knows maybe she just puts crap like that on there to look good for her friends.
The reason why I always wonder what they are doing is because I wish that it was us.
For those of you who have done this for a while, years… how do you mentally do it? What I mean is … how do you cope not being with him, knowing that he is with his wife?
Am I looking at things the wrong way, is that why I’m having such a hard time dealing with this relationship? Any advice?
Thanks for listening!
Heartbroken,
I wouldn’t say you’re looking at it the wrong way, and I’m not being at all critical when I ask why is it so important. I’m not sure if this will make much sense, but the way I deal with it is like this, it may sound a bit cold in places, but it works for me.
I love the time me and my guy get to spend together, some weeks I see him a lot others it might just be phone calls, but I’ve always tried to keep it in a box I suppose. I know that when he isn’t with me, then that is his time with his wife & family. What difference would it make to know what he is doing, No amount of fretting or being stressed will change that or make him return to me quicker. I knew when I got involved that he was married. I also knew that if I wanted him, then I had to be prepared to share him as he was never mine to begin with. He’s never promised me anything, we have what we have and thats it. When he leaves me, he gets on with his life and I get on with mine. You cannot have an MM as the centrepiece to your life, it just doesn’t work. If I begged my guy to stay when I know full well he has to go home, then it would just end the time we’d had together on a slightly sour note, because at the end of the day he still has to leave me, there’s no getting away from it. So really I guess I’m saying no stressing I do will change the situation, so why worry.
mary l,
just because he hasn’t contacted you doesn’t mean that he isn’t thinking of you. honestly if he cares about you then it is kind of him to leave you alone. he may end up missing you and realize that his marriage isn’t working, but if he doesn’t then he is doing the nice thing by staying away. i know that you miss him and i am going through that right now too, but we both need more! this is also the only way to push them into making a decision even if the decision is to stay with her. if we continue to let them have both then what would rush them to change that?
Voice,
I want to thank you for sharing that with me. Last week, he was back from his vacation and before he returned I had it in my mind that if I wanted this to work out on any level then I needed to find away to fit him in my schedule and not to keep changing everything to fit in his. So when called Monday morning I had a few minutes to talk and then I had to go because I had an appointment. Any other time I would have stayed and talked to him as long as he could, even if that meant that I kept my person waiting. So when I had to go I said I had to go. Through out the week I continued to do the same, if he caught me at a bad time I told him that I had to go and didn’t give in to work around him.
On Friday I tried to explain to him that I wanted it to work for us but it needed to fit in my life as well. He view on the week is this…. that I was being stubborn.
You’re absolutely right about how to deal with your relationship and I need to take your advice because I want us to last, I want to find away to make it last, more than anything I want to stop putting the focus on finding out how his home life is and start putting it on making him smile everyday, like I use to. I don’t get to see him very often, a couple of times a month, at lunch time but he does call everyday when he’s at work, sometimes a few times a day. I guess I need to realize that he is giving me everything that he can at this time in his life. I need to accept that, I need to accept that I am the other woman.
Thanks again Voice, I appreciate it.
Take care.
I think it must be so difficult to live so close in Mary L’s case, and work together in your case Mary M, eventhough you are on seperate bars now. There is a fair bit of distance between me and my guy, which I think helps a lot.
heartbroken,
I have known my MM for over ten years. We have been on and off the majority of that time. The longest time apart was this past year. I just decided that he was contacting me too much and it made me uncomfortable. Now, I have allowed him back (for what, I’m not sure). I think I am able to handle this as it is total acceptance that he is married, will probably stay married, and he is not a person that I love enough to marry anyway.
HB,
I think a big part of being the other woman is letting go of the emotional angst that goes with it. I am in no doubt that I love my guy, but those are my feelings. I don’t regret falling for him, eventhough I wish the situation was different, I know what I am to him. I know I make him feel good and we have a great time together. We work for each other, he gets what is missing from his marriage, and from my point of view, I’ve been the wronged wife, and the thought of comitting to someone available worries me as I don’t want to get hurt again. My guy’s unavailability prevents that possibility.
Kristi,
I think you’re right when you say it’s acceptance of the situation, Do you think a lot of the problems from affairs come from empty promises to essentially keep the other woman sweet???
Voice,
It has to be. I’ve never asked and he has never promised. He knows that we have separate lives; we just remain drawn to each other. We work because there are no expectations.
I feel for the women who have been promised the world, only to be told they have to wait for it. I prefer honesty.
Kristi,
Couldn’t of put it better myself….lol π
My mm has never made promises to me, instead he says stuff like…..”it’s hard because we both want more” or “we just can’t have what we both want right now”…… So he has never made a “promise” to me but he does imply stuff.
A few times I have asked him if he sees me in his future, because I prefer honesty as well…at least I can deal with the truth. His response is always the same… “I can’t answer that, well it has to answers…. I want you in my future but I don’t know if it will happen”
It’s hard to read a person like this.
mary m,
PLEASE don’t take this the wrong way–but is this love or lust? If you love him, what things/aspects of him make you love him?
heartbroken,
What specific questions do you want to ask him?
I am 34 and been married for 10 yrs. I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly a year and a half. We work for the same agency but in different buildings. He has had the same girlfriend for nearly 3 years and is engaged for over a year. It started out innocent. Talking and he wanted to talk online. For over a year, he dilifently texted my cell every single day all day long. Literally. He was always the initiator. Of course, things didn’t remain on a friend level. He made it clear he wasn’t happy with his situation because his girlfriend worked long hours and she has 2 children and lives with her mother. They only see each other on Friday nights. He would confide in me and tell me everything. I would give him advice on what he should do, such as give it time, she might just be afraid of committment. But he began to say things to me about how pretty I was and that he wanted me to come to his house. I eventually did. After 4 months, we had sex. In the duration of our year and a half relationship, we had sex about 5 times. He told me a couple times that if it didn’t work out with her that he wanted to be with me. Of course, I hung on to that. But I finally got tired and ended it. We never fought, we got along great. We laughed constantly. But I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It hurts. But in my mind, if it was meant to be it would naturally work out and everything would fall into place. Actually, this is the 2nd time I’ve ended it. About 4 months ago I did and we started talking again. He told me he missed me and that he didn’t have anyone to talk to. I was his confidant and very good friend. But, I’m glad I finally got my wits together and told myself I AM THE OTHER WOMAN. I just hope God can forgive me.
Hi Mary,
I know what you mean, I keep thinking, “Lord, are you going to strike me down today.” My MM doesn’t seem to care at all about the consequences.
Hello ladies! Hope all you had good weekends.
Hi HB, I was the one who wrote about obsessing on the things he does when he is with her. It is a problem & makes me go crazy. Last weekend was the worst. I stayed home & was so lonely & sad & stuck in all of it, almost immobile, depressed.
This weekend I decided not to do that. I was so busy at work that the week flew by & this weekend I made the effort to keep busy. I called & spent time w/ my friends. My son & I went out all day today. Went to the movies, got my nails done… Simple things but it was nice.
And I even saw him briefly. I mean the weekend wasn’t perfect. And our time was brief but it wasn’t the center part of my weekend.
While I was out, I didn’t think about him. At all. And when I did, I thought this must be what life is like for him. He does all these things, w/ her of course & is distracted & for the most part doesn’t think of me.
I am always wondering about them, what they do together & wish it was me & him. And I think about my life & everything I do & what it would be like to include him. And I wonder sometimes if I would want to share it all w/ him.
When he & I were together (because @ one time he was mine ONLY) we had a very seperate relationship. Not in a bad way, but he would go out w/ his friends, me w/ mine but still have our time. I am pretty independent. Maybe I don’t want to share too much of my life w/ him? Maybe I never did? Maybe these walls I put up protect me? But do they really? Because I am still hurting.
It’s almost easier to not think about him, because he is not part of my real life, nor I his. But that makes me sad. It takes away the value of what we have. We do have something. We have to. And it has to be more than just sex. I can get sex anywhere. I mean, why go thru all this just for sex??
I mean on one hand it makes me feel good to know I am what he desires sexually, that I take care of him in that regard better than her. And it makes me feel good to know that I am his confidant & a friend that knows him & understands *but* then I kill myself obsessing on what SHE is to him. They are not married yet, as far as I know there are no plans & if they were I think I might die… What is keeping him there?? Is he as sick as I am??
I asked him once why we had to go thru so much to realize that we wanted to be together & he said he was younger & wasn’t thinking about his future then… I don’t know… Does anyone watch “Sex in the City”??? Well, He is my Mr. Big. And right now, he is w/ Natasha & having an affair w/ me… and if you watch the show than you know how it ended & this is what I hope for.
And he is one of those assholes who is promising me a future, there is just no difinative date. What a mess it is…
Wishing you all the best, always.
I think a guy that promises the future constantly will always find a reason to not leave his wife. I agree with Kristi, I’ll take honesty and knowing where I stand every time.
Lips, as I said to heartbroken, what difference does your obsessing make to your relationship. Your worrying about it, doesn’t alter anything does it???
So why put yourself through it??
I think we need to realize that this is not about the wives or about us. This is about them. Something is going on with them and they have not or choose not to deal with their issues without compromising their vows. Perhaps they got married for the wrong reasons and don’t see a feasible way out. It is hard to get out of any relationship once you become complacent.
There is no need to spend your days wondering about where they are and what they are doing. Stay in control of the situation. It is what it is and the only way to actually change the situation is to get out of it.
kristi,
i am not in love with him. i am sure lust has something to do with it, because everytime i look at him i want to rip his clothes off, but really i just like him a lot. that is why i chose to get out now, before i fell in love with him. i know that that is bound to happen if i keep seeing him and then it will hurt even worse!
Hi Lips…
Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone with what goes on in my head. I’m trying to change, trying to see that my relationship with my mm is just an affair, trying not to make him the center of my universe anymore. I’ve realized that my biggest problem is that I want to treat him like he is only mine, I want to give him the world, I want to treat him like I would if we were together. That needs to stop, I need to treat him like it’s an affair not like he is my husband or boyfriend. I can be his friend but I can also live MY life.
He called me today from work, we talked for a long time and I asked him why he continues with me when things are so great at home. He said things at home are more tolerable but not great. I will take that for what it is and not analyze it to death.
The things I have read on her myspace page and other places that she has posted have only hurt me. I have decided not to look anymore, or at least not as often. I don’t need to worry about her life, only mine. I know that it’s easier said than done but I’m ready to change. The only person I can control is myself and I need to stop obsessing over what they do together. All I need to know, is that no matter what they are doing together I am always in the back of his mind. No matter what he is not giving her all of his attention or love because I am in his life. As cruel as this sounds I get some satisfaction knowing this.
No matter what happens in my life I will always know that he will have regrets about his life. Either about me or staying with her.
Thanks again everyone for letting me vent. After the day that I’ve had I needed it.
One of the ironic things about my guy is that although I share him. He readily admits that he wouldn’t be able to share me with anyone else. He said to me at the start if I met someone I thought I could make a go of things with, then to give him up and go for it . Does any one elses guy think the same???
My situation is different, both my mm and myself are married to other people. So, to answer your question, no.
this is so hard!!! i told him this needed to end, but i guess part me thought he would beg me or leave her. instead he did what i asked and stopped texting me or calling me. i know it is what i want and what is best, but i have been depressed all day! i guess it is easier for him, because he has her and when it comes down to it thats what he wants, right? in the beginning of all this i was dating someone, but i kinda lost that in the midst of this so now i am alone. it is really hard especially, because i know he is not. i mean he says he likes me so much and can’t stand the thought of not talking to me or seeing me all week, but how hard is it for him really? i do have a date tomorrow night with a guy i met at work. he seems like a good catch, but i am not even interested in going. i am only doing it to pass the time and hopefully distract me. i did so much today trying to get my mind off of him, but i had tears in my eyes all day!
mary l,
i know it has been 5 weeks for you, so has it gotten easier? have you dated anyone else? if so did that help?
Lips,
I do the same thing I drive myself crazy by wondering what they are doing together. It never bothered me before we started seeing each other. Now it drives me crazy. I get myself so upset sometimes. I want to do things with him. His wife only talks to two people on our whole block. She’s been here six years and she doesn’t even go out of her way to say hi to the neighbors. Her son is the same way, they are both anti social and I know its because she doesn’t let him out to play with other kids. We needs to get away from her if he is ever going to have a life. I feel sorry for him. I don’t think she is a bad mother just overly protective of him for being eleven years old. None of them have a life. How is work going Mary M? I don’t understand how his wife let’s him continue to work at the same place. I could never deal with that. I think about him every night while I’m laying in bed. I miss him so much. Thanks for listening.
Mary M
It has gotten easier. But I have my bad days too. More good days though. I still cry at times when I am getting my period. I get emotional. I haven’t dated anyone else yet. I really don’t go out that much only with my married girl friends twice a month. I am a single parent and on the weekends I drive my daughter and her friends places, or they hang out in my house in the basement and I can’t leave them alone in my house they are only 14-16 years of age. I don’t trust them. They are up my house five out to the seven nights. If I went out and left my daughter with her friends on the street I wouldn’t feel comfortable, I would wonder what she is doing. My parents are 82 and 84. I cant’ ask them to watch her because they like to go to bed early. I wish I more single friends at times. Even if they just came over and hung out at my house. I am content staying in on the weekends, I gotten so use to it, I don’t drink so I’m out of the bar scene.
Mary M.- I understand what you are going through. I have ended it many times, like you I those same thoughts, that he would leave his wife and want to be with me. But each time he has only done what I have asked him to- to leave me alone. I never understood how a person who says that he loves you wouldn’t even call to try to get you back in your life on some level. But he never did, it was always me going crawling back to him. Try not to make the same mistakes that I have because it only gives him more power in your relationship.
My mm is very passive, gives into his wife all the time- she is treated like a little princess. He is sooooo passive. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be inlove with someone so passive but I am. Just out of curiousity what personality type would you say that your mm is?
Good Luck Mary M. We are here if you need support.
heart,
i don’t think he is passive at all. i think he definitely wears the pants in that relationship and she is the passive one. when she first found out and i said that it was over he told me that he didn’t want it to be over for us, but that his marriage was over. i think now he is just testing me. even if he doesn’t text me all week he knows that he will see me on friday. i told him that we were just work friends now so i guess i will see friday if he also grants that request and doesn’t touch me or flirt with me.
i briefly talked to him online yesterday that is when i told him all this, but for the rest of the week i am not signing on. i don’t want to end things and i miss him already, but i can’t go on like this so i am also going to test him. he is not happy in his marriage and he was about to leave her and then decided the right thing was to work on their marriage even though he’s not in love. so i am going to give him that space and i am hoping that he misses me. if he doesn’t then sadly i guess it is over. i cried all day yesterday, but now i am done crying. i knew what i was getting into when i started this and i have no one to blame but myself! i am going out with someone else tonight and i know that he doesn’t stand a chance right now, but it does feel a little better when there is someone else desiring you.
heart and lips,
i do find myself wondering what they are doing together especially at night. i wonder if they had sex and if they are cuddling and i know they probably are. it upsets me, but it also helps me move on, because i could never be with someone that i know is doing that with someone else!
Mary M…..
I wish you the best. You are doing the right thing. As hard as it is on you, it’s time to move on in your life.
I wish I was as strong as you because I know that I deserve more than what I’m getting from him. He is like a drug, I just can’t get enough.
I am 33 yr old mother of 3. I left my husband about 6 weeks ago. I have been TOW for about 8 months now and his wife found out about us 2 months ago. She has called me several times calling me profane names, telling me she hates no one else but me, while also carrying on at home like she’s lost her mind. Their relationship has been bad for 4 years and she’s always been controlling and demeaning to him. I’ve been very much on the edge of leaving this relationship, but my heart just aches so much with the thought of it. It is a physical paralyzing pain, so I always find myself going back on my ultimatums, or begging him to assure me I’ll be in his life. The time we talk and see each other has dramatically decreased because he wants his home life to settle down before leaving. His wife gets worse and worse, has become physical at times, kicked him out, told her 3 and 4 year old to call their dad a liar or called him an a**hole in front of them. I think I stay because I truly do feel that without this baggage he is my soulmate. We have a connection that is impossible to explain, people that have seen us out have approached us and said that we look like what love should really be. I know that this relationship is not health and its not allowing me to gain my independence and sanity from my failed marriage, but I just can’t walk away because it hurts so bad. Can anyone help me with ideas on how to walk away and stay away? I know I’m better than this, but I can’t seem to stop.
I stumbled across this site after experiencing yet another of his wife’s crazy stories. Apparently she’s receiving anonymous calls about us being together and about why I left my husband, etc. I know its not true but I find myself actually reasoning with him through these things. I have never initiated contact and do not respond to her text messages, phone calls, etc. The few times I have picked up, I’ve never said anything, she usually calls me horrible names then I hang up.
It’s very hard to find anyone that understands what it feels like to be in the middle of this. If I had it to do all over again, of course, I never would. Now that I am I just want to figure a way out and survive while doing it.
Thank you.
noselfrespect,
first of all that name has to go!!! just because you feel in love with a married man doesn’t mean that you don’t respect yourself! i think the best thing to do and the thing that i am doing is to just back off for a little while. let him miss you. he may realize that he needs you in his life and if the only way to have you is to leave her then it will push him out the door. or he may not chase you and you will one day just wake up and realize you have moved on. the one thing that i have realized is if you give in and still see him it gives him no reason to rush out the door. i chose to stop letting mine have his cake and eat it too. if he wants me he can’t have her and if he wants her then i have to move on. you are only 33 i am only 24 there is so much out there why let someone who is already committed to someone else be the center of our world? i am done going to bed alone when i know he’s not. these have been the hardest couple of days, but has been easier then yesterday and i just hope that it just keeps going that way. i just don’t know what i am going to feel on friday when i have to see him!!!
noselfrespect,
first of all that name has to go!!! just because you feel in love with a married man doesn’t mean that you don’t respect yourself! i think the best thing to do and the thing that i am doing is to just back off for a little while. let him miss you. he may realize that he needs you in his life and if the only way to have you is to leave her then it will push him out the door. or he may not chase you and you will one day just wake up and realize you have moved on. the one thing that i have realized is if you give in and still see him it gives him no reason to rush out the door. i chose to stop letting mine have his cake and eat it too. if he wants me he can’t have her and if he wants her then i have to move on. you are only 33 i am only 24 there is so much out there why let someone who is already committed to someone else be the center of our world? i am done going to bed alone when i know he’s not. these have been the hardest couple of days, but today has been easier then yesterday and i just hope that it just keeps going that way. i just don’t know what i am going to feel on friday when i have to see him!!!
i hope that wasn’t harsh i was saying that for me as much as for you and anyone else who is in this hurtful situation! i know i need more!
oh and as for the wife you are doing the right thing in not responding to her. i had to deal with my MM’s wife just this weekend it was a nightmare!
noselfrespect,
As mary m stated, please change that name and let us know your new identity when you do.
Now, I cannot tell you how to stay away. The last time for me was just to make a clean break. He was hurt and confused, but I had to do it. If you need to change your phone number, do so. You should not put your health at risk with constant worrying. The anxiety will have you in the hospital. I think we all have a connection with our MMs. If not, we would be long gone. Yet, the reality is there. They are married. They probably will not leave their wives. If they do, you should be prepared and want everything that comes with that. Others’ perceptions of you will not be nice. I hope there are other things in life that give you fulfillment and purpose–cling to them.
NSF – not gonna type it all cos I agree with the others, give yourself a better name. However you feel right now, you desrve a better one.
What I’m about to say is probably gonna sound harsh, but I always try to be honest.
You say that it’s hard to find anyone that understands the situation you are in the middle of…. Well the first thing you need to do is remove yourself from it.
Take a big step back as Kristi says clean break works the best, you need to finish it and mean it, you say you’ve given ultimatums but given in, you have to stop that, because if you say something and go back on it, he will know that you’ve got no power to control the situation. he isn’t the be all and end all of your life.
So the wife found out, if he is staying at home to help things settle down you have to allow him to do that, the decrease in contact seems to suggest that he is trying to sort out. Not many wives will allow their man to carry on having contact with their mistress. His wife isn’t exactly conducting herself with a great amount of dignity, but that isn’t really your concern. All the things about her character and what she is telling her children to say etc, while deplorable also have nothing to do with you. I don’t have children which I’m glad about.
However difficult it is for you, you now have to concentrate on yourself and your children. Do what it takes to cut the ties, change you numbers if necessary, particularly if the calls from his wife are too frequent or abusive. If what you say is true about him being your soulmate, when things have calmed down he will find his way back to you. Take note of what the others say, usually a married guy won’t leave their homelife. You knew he was married, if he leaves her for you without having the chance to deal with his wife and kids, then be prepared for the title of homewrecker and all the sh*t that will come with it.
Again sorry if this all seems hard, it’s not meant to make you feel bad. Take care, let us know how you get on. We’ll be here. π
it has been 3 whole days with barely any contact. i went out with someone else tonight, he was nice and attractive, but not him! this really sucks. what am i supposed to do have a fake relashionship just so i have someone to past the time? i have been strong though. i haven’t even signed online when i know he will be there. i miss him! i just hope he misses me!
Mary M,
He does miss you. Of course he does. You’re doing good. I am proud of you. I wish I was as strong as you.
I am really sad today, maybe because he didn’t call. He might have, I missed a few calls from blocked numbers, so maybe it was him. But we didn’t speak.
I feel like today I am dealing. Does that make sense? It was a rainy dark day & in the pit of my stomach is this overwhelming sadness. I feel like the sadness is anchoring me down, maybe I am going crazy? I think I might be going crazy. I can’t blame him but dammit I do. He triggers all these feelings & I give him too much f*cking power. Maybe it is not him, but me? I mean this all has to do w/ me, not him, right? I am doing this to me, I am a willing participant in all of it. I have created this situation by choosing to allow it.
I hope tomorrow I wake up & feel better about all this. It seems like things are coming to a head. I hate how lonely being involved w/ him is making me feel. I wasn’t lonely before I allowed him back into my life. I was happy. But I was busy, distracted w/ friends, going out, enjoying a social nitelife. Now I am back to the homebody, hermitting, probably waiting. Just stuck. It’s miserable.
I know what needs to be done & I know that these feelings I have are horrible & it makes my situation sound bad. And maybe it is. But I feel like I am falling into an abyss. And becoming disconnected. I feel like I am not in a good place. I hope my words don’t alarm you ladies. I will be fine. In fact I have a meeting w/ a counselor this week. I hope that I can gain some insight into why I do what I do. I am happy in certain areas of my life, work, friends, etc. Just other areas are a mess & I feel like they are pulling me under & I need to get my head straight. Does this make sense?
On a lighter note, I want to read a book that will change my life. Any suggestions? Please, don’t say the Bible! π
Hi All.
Mary M., keep up the good work, we know you can do it. Heck, you have made it longer than most of us.
NSF- I agree with the others and won’t type the same things that they already said.
Lips- you may want to consider reading a book called “Care of the Soul” and there’s another one out there called “Soul Mates”.
Another good book is called “A million little pieces” – the book is about a guy named Dave what was an addict and what he went through. In some odd way I related to his power, his strength and how he overcame what he had too.
thanks guys! i will not talk to him until friday i know i can do that, but what will i do then??? i am really worried about that!
lips,
you’ll be ok. go out! i didn’t want to go on that date last night, but i did and i am going out with him again on thursday. it would be easy for me to sit at home and wallow in my sorrows, but F*CK him; he’s not doing that!!!! everytime i want to cry i know he is not so i stop. i know that he goes online everyday at 530 and we usually talk for 2hrs. i even went on under a different name to see if he was there and he was, but F him again i’m not making myself available! i think you should make plans with your friends and go out, even if you have to drag yourself out the door just go! you may surprise yourself and have fun!
read “lucky” by alice sebold. it was about a girl who was raped and her struggle to overcome it. it was very inspirational! another book by the same author is ” the lovely bones” i absolutely loved that book! it was about a young girl who was killed and she actually narrarates the story. it was also inspirational!
and i think that it is great that you are going to see a counselor let us know how it works out!!
I cannot tell all of you how much I appreciate your comments. I apologize for the name I gave myself, that is truly how I feel sometimes. Yesterday, I started looking online for books to help me understand how this “addiction” to another person can happen and how to take the steps to get out of it. If feels like love, in the past I’ve had no doubts that it was, but as I feel myself getting out of control I know that it must not be. I can’t see how love should feel more painful than not.
She continues to tell him she’s getting calls at work about his/my whereabouts and I know that its untrue, but I’m exhausted with her. I refuse to let it get to me anymore. I have never had to defend myself so much. It occurred to me this morning that I think he has a self-esteem issue or some underlying problem with how he sees himself. He justifies her erratic behaviour with saying he’s the one that did it so if she hits me, calls me names, yells at me all day, etc. then I can’t really blame her. He says its over with them but he doesn’t have the money or energy to try to find another place to live. I will not offer up my place.
Please don’t ever feel your advice or comments are harsh. I need to hear these things, I have no one else to talk to and am not hearing them anywhere else. I desperately need to hear it.
Thanks again!
Inspired, thats so much better… π
Don’t ever feel the need to defend yourself, if you know what the wife is saying is false and that the ‘calls’ are obviously nothing to do with you then if thats what you’ve told him then thats good enough. Isn’t there a saying which goes something like….. don’t explain your actions, because your enemies won’t believe you and your friends don’t need it. The calls could just be her way of keeping him in check, if he has self esteem issues, then if he believes she’s getting the calls about what he’s up to, then he’s not gonna mess about. She’s entitled to be angry, but the violence is never acceptable, no matter what he’s done.
Did you find any books that look like they may be helpful?
Well I found some but they were on back order until March. Obviously can’t really wait that long. I’m going to stop in over the weekend and see what I can find. I love the saying, I’m going to save it and read it every day! Thank you!
Hey inspired!
Look in the mirror and give yourself a hug!
i haven’t heard from him at all! i have been strong and haven’t signed online either, but i really miss him! so many times during the day i think of something that i want to tell him, but i can’t. part of me is so excited to see him tomorrow that all i can do is wait, but the other part is so pissed off at him for making me feel this way that it makes me not want to see him at all! i don’t know which part will take over when i finally lay my eyes on him. i wonder how he has felt all week.
mary m,
Stay strong tomorrow. Will you be working together?
i won’t know if we are at the same bar until i get there, but i kinda doubt it. lately my manager who has always hated me has become best buds with his wife so if she knows anything then him and i will never be together again! i guess that is a good thing, but of course there is no one else that i would rather work with.
what is going on in everyone else’s lives? everyone has been so quiet the last couple days!
Hi mary m,
I am good. I am trying to break away from my MM.
The guilt is setting in. There are no horror stories about his wife, she is not a monster, a b*tch, or a maniac–I have no reason to be the main participant in this deception. I like that I am in control of the situation. I can choose the role I want to play, be it the lover/friend/confidant. For some reason, that appeals to me. Why would I want so much control over a married man? Who knows? I think he married for comfort and familiarity and is playing the “what if” game. He has to live with his decision. Being with me will not change his situation and he cannot successfully live two lives. I can live without him and because of that, what we have is not strong enough for him to lose his family. I will always be his friend, Always. I do not think, however, that his marriage can survive if we are found out–and I don’t want to take him in if it doesn’t.
kristi,
do you ever want a normal relationship? if you don’t think that he will ever leave and you don’t even want him to, then why stay in this situation? i do want someone who is only mine that is why i am getiing out. deep down i want him to leave her, but if he doesn’t then i know i will find someone else.
Hi Mary M,
I’m good, thanks for asking. A lot of what Kristi said applies to my situation too, My guys wife is a perfectly nice person too. I have a lot of say/control with my guy. I like my situation, it works well for me, I can’t see it ending unless we are caught, as things stand he won’t leave his wife for me, so we just enjoy what we have, be it sex or just time to sit, have a coffee and a talk, I could deal with it ending, I think the main thing that would upset me is losing his friendship, we were really good friends before anything else, so that would hurt. Not sure what would happen if his wife found out, in as much as if they’d get through it(I know he would stay and try), but if not I would want him to be with me.
mary m,
I have a dysfunctional relationship with my son’s father. It was “normal” until about 6 months ago when I decided I was fed up with him. He is trying to do better and is learning what it means to be a real mate and father. Until he can do that to my satisfaction, I will not marry him.
I do not want my MM to be my husband. We are not meant to be together forever in that way. We are great friends with benefits which should have ended when he got married. He does more for me than he should and has always been there for me. We have a great affection for one another.
I love that I have found this site. Two months ago I started a very passionate affair with my very married, father of 3, boss, 17 years my senior. My fiance found out first and left me, and his wife found out merely days later.
After to and froing he has chosen to saty with his wife… what a surprise… and using the age old excuse because of the children…
I am absolutely heartbroken….
To make matters worse we share an office and have to work extremely closely together on certain projects… and I have fallen completely in love with this man.
I am now faced with having to leave the only thing in my life that is good…. my job… because I am not sure I can handle being so close to him on an ongoing basis.
When we started this I knew the score.. and I knew the rules…. and yet I did the most stupid thing ever and fell in love with him.
Thank you for making me realise that I am not the only one out here feeling like my entire life is falling down around them…
Hi MMimB
Yes it is crap when you fall in love with them, but as you say no great surprise he chose to stay with his family. I think when many people cheat they all realise that they are cheating on their partner, but I don’t think they always understand that they are cheating on their kids too. More often than not the guys will stay with the family, I know my guy would do the same, and his two girls are grown up and have their own lives, he would never want them to feel disappointed in them. As far as your job goes, rather than leaving could you not maybe have some time off to get some perspective on things and hopefully go back with a different spin on things, or maybe move to a different dept. Not to sound patronising but I suppose thats the problem with workplace affairs, you gamble so much more of your life than just maybe a relationship. What is your MM’s view of it all, is it over for him, or is he still giving you signals??? If it’s over then make sure the relationship is dead, if it gets left in a state of limbo, then you don’t stand a chance of moving on.
Take care and let us know how you’re doing… π
mm,
our situations are the same! my MM works with me, she knows, and he is staying with her, but he wants both. i always knew the rules too. did you think it was just going to be fun, but that you wouldn’t get attached? r u still hooking up with him? maybe getting a new job is the right answer. i have thought that a lot of times, but can’t bring myself to leave yet.
we were at different bars last night. i didn’t
flirt with him at all i just treated him like i would anyone. at the end of the night we usually hang out at his bar, but instead i went to another one. he came over to talk to me so we talked like friends for a while, but then i got drunk! why did i do that??? we ended up making out. he said that he missed me all week and that he wanted to call me, but he couldn’t. he had to leave last night, because she was waiting for him. she was at his bar all night. i didn’t want him to go, but he did. i am so mad at myself for letting my feelings get so involved in this! he said he would hang out tonight and i want to so much, but every time i do i fall harder for him and feel worse about myself! i have never been this way about anyone. i have always been strong and i’m not one to openly show my feelings, but there is something about him. i try to end it. i date other people and i know he is all wrong for me. why can’t i let him go??
Mary M
Whatever your feelings don’t let him use you once or twice a week like this, but nothing for the rest of it…….So unfair on you and will keep putting you in this place.
Good Luck….
Thank you for the great advice. Its all so fresh and hard at the moment. However I do know that I am going to be ok!
I have applied for some other jobs… but I love my job with a passion and the thought of leaving makes me sick. Funnily enough, I dont want to be near him, but I cant stand being apart from him.
We are on different shifts for the next month so maybe that will make things easier.
A joint project we have been working on culminates into a week long festival in a few months and I dont want to think all my hard work was a waste if I leave before then.
I am thinking of using until then as my timeline… Hang in there until then and then make the final decision.
I suppose I am still holding out on the hope that things might change…. but deep down I know they aren’t going to.
It’s all so crazy…. when did I become the girl who was stupid enough to think he would leave his wife and we would live happily ever after…..
I have taken some time off….and haven’t heard from him for 3 days…. He’s at home.. its family time.. which means I cant contact him… I am sure you all know how frustrating that is…
I will let you all know how I get on when I go back..
Thanks again!!!
mm,
i went through this just last week and he did the exact same thing (if you scroll up you will see me asking myself the exact same questions). i didn’t hear from him for four days and it was horrible, and when i saw him last night my heart dropped. mine doesn’t have kids though and i know that any day she is going to get pregnant and then it will be over for real. i do still have that hope that he will leave her. at first he said he was going to and i believed him it actually kinda freaked me out, but now he has changed his mind and i am so sad. how long have you been with him? how did she find out? does she know it is you?
i have to see him in an hour. i know i shouldn’t hook up with him tonight, but i really want to. maybe just one last time??
Good luck Mary M
Mary M,
She found out through a text message that didnt send properly and stayed on his phone. My fiance read my emails… which I was too selfish to delete because I liked reading them over and over again. We have been flirting for almost a year, and started our affair in November.. Our partners found out in December and we have played off on and on sonce then. Today is day 5 with no contact. He also has taken some time off… so I know he is at home with her and the kids. I like to think that he is missing me… but I know that he probably isnt giving me a second thought.
Opposite shifts for a whole month…. it makes me sick to the stomach when I walk into our shared office and he isnt there. Not sure how I am going to cope for a month. Perhaps it will make me stronger and make me realise I dont need him… I certainly deserve better than a part time lover!
How did it go meeting him the other night (Its crazy but I am actually jealous that you got to see yours)
I have been reading all your comments and its amazing how similar all of our stories are…
I often wonder if my guy thinks about me when he’s at home, you just never know do you? I’m sure he’s think about you MM. I know what you mean about keeping stuff, but it’s just too dangerous. I’m not with anyone, but i keep nothing on my phone as me and my guy have mutual friends. i think the time apart will help, and if it doesn’t you.ve always got your fall back plan of moving jobs
Thank you for this website. I was about to step into being the OW, thought my situation so unique! But reading all of your personal stories made me realise how naive I was being, and how little I knew of the pitfalls and pain ahead of me.
I’d like to recommend that all the hurt OW look into EFT seriously as a aid to help them walk away. Gary Craig’s site has alot of free stuff on it, including how to learn the technique. Look at it seriously, it helped me tremendously.
http://www.emofree.com/
This article should inspire as well –
http://www.emofree.com/Articles2/heartbreak-broken-romance.htm?WT.mc_id=N_Feb02_Feature4
Hey Ladies, Hope everyone is well. I feel like I am getting sick but I had a busy weekend which was nice.
I went out last nite w/ some coworkers & got a little out of hand. I called him in the morning as I was driving to pick up my son, just to chat & casually mentioned my evening. Said I drank too much & forgot the end of the nite & hoped my friends weren’t mad at me. Totally casual in the conversation.
Now, let me preface by saying, he hates when I drink & am stupid. I tend to get stupid when I drink w/ HIM & we have had bad times becuz of it. It’s like I get really emotional & hysterical w/ him becuz all my repressed feelings come out. It put a strain on our past relationship & it’s always his thing he uses against me.
I had occasion to black out & make an ass of myself & it’s something I am working on. I know it’s a problem. I went out w/ coworkers & had to call them both in the AM to do damage control. They were NOT upset w/ me. Only said I was loud & ridiculous.
Back to the conversation w/ HIM. I told him about the nite & he turns it against me. He says- that’s what I get, I’ll never learn, I am too old to be acting that way- the whole vicious lecture but out of nowhere. Then tells me to “Call the guys I was w/ last nite”- WTF??? It was all from left field. I didn’t understand why. He knows how to push my buttons & tell me things that hurt me, about my drinking or my weight. He does it on purpose. To hurt me. He knows what areas I have issues w/ within myself.
So he’s being vicious & I’m blindsided & telling him- I don’t understand why your mad, I didn’t call you, I wasn’t doing anything, I wasn’t w/ any guys besides you were at home w/ your GIRLFRIEND!!!- And he says- “Yeah, that’s living a NORMAL life!!!” So, I told him to live his normal life & leave me alone. (And, how is it “normal” if you are CHEATING!!!)
He called me again when I got home to fight some more- why??? And said that my drinking is “THE REASON WHY THE SITUATION IS THE WAY IT IS.” –what???
He brings out this crazy side of me, this insecure side, can get inside me like no other man can. I told him, “What do you want from me? I don’t understand why you’re mad, I didn’t do anything to you, I didn’t call you last nite, I wasn’t w/ anyone & so what if I was. I am young, I am 27, I am SINGLE. I don’t have a live in BOYFRIEND & so what if I go out & enjoy myself a little too much, I am responsible, I work my ass off & deserve a nite to myself, even if I am ridiculous” I also said “I don’t know what you want from me, I’m not perfect, I don’t pretend to be but I am fucked up & really sad in my life right now & at the end of the day I am alone, so does it make him feel better about himself & his life to be mean to me??”
I mean I was sobbing & he’s telling me that he’s calling to say GOODBYE but he needs to be able to “forgive me”!!! I DID NOTHING!!! Then he tells me I am hungover & I need to go back to sleep & I said he’s the one who called me back to yell at me some more. But he kept yelling & hanging up on me & me on him because I was crying too much I couldn’t talk.
He is TOXIC. I can’t sugarcoat anything about him. He is mean & cruel to me. And he is CRAZY. I mean, typing this out is making me read between the lines but really, in this situation, you don’t have to. He was just plain mean. He was hurtful. He was projecting his MISERABLE, BULLSHIT life onto me. This isn’t about me, it’s about him. He’s the one who is STUCK & UNHAPPY. He is so envious of my life. He was doing the same things when he was my age. I can walk away from him at any time, but he is stuck. He has made his bed & now he is forced to lie in it. (I told him that as well)
He is ALWAYS trying to tell me what I should fix about me or the way I live my life to make myself into what he thinks will be a better person. He says that I do things on purpose to “push him away”- I think I might. But I am pissed that he thinks I should change things about ME. So what? I’m fat. So what? My house gets messy. So what? I have a hard time managing money. So what? I drink too much sometimes. So what? I hold my friends in high regard. SO WHAT??? I am the same person, fat or skinny, w/ a messy or clean house, w/ money in my pocket or w/o a single cent to my name. I AM STILL THE SAME PERSON!!!
I dunno, I am emotionally drained from this “fight” or “breakup”. Like I have been SO hurt that I don’t want to talk to him anymore. This was a unprovoked personal attack. He was trying to make me feel like there is something wrong w/ me. Does he try to hurt me so he can see if I care? Is he taking out his issues w/ himself, unhappiness @ home, issues in his life out on me? Becuz I think he is jealous of my freedom & of my life. I really think he hates me. Hates me as much as he loves me. As dysfucntional as it sounds. Or maybe I just think that becuz that is how I feel.
I am done. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I think he even did it on purpose. What ever the reason, why analyze it? He hurt me. Made me feel like shit. Broke me down. And had the nerve to tell me. “I do it to myself”. Maybe he’s right. But I can’t do it anymore. I know I am a mess & this is all fucked up, cruel & abusive. I can’t be a willing participant in it.
I feel so numb to it all. It’s like he’s done that change thing where he is Dr. Jekyl. It’s pointless. I am young & I still have the chance to be happy. And I can’t say the same for him.
Lips,
Don’t change yourself, he’s just being a sad little man who is playing mind games with you. Show him the door for good, and get on with your life. Drink or not, no one deserves to be treated in this way.
lips,
get out!!! this is in no way healthy and you are never happy! every time you post something it is you being sad and frustrated and you are only 27 its time to move on!!! even if he broke up with his girlfriend i don’t think he would be good for you.
mm,
does she know it is you? i would be very upset if we didn’t work together anymore, but maybe it is a good thing. it will give you both time to reevaluate your relationship and it will give him time to miss you. maybe you should try to go out with someone else. thats what i keep doing and although all i do is compare them to him it does help to have some other admirers.
saturday night we hung out after work. i was drunk and really chatty. i was telling him how i hate that he is married and that i like him so much and i am sick of hiding from everyone. he said that he knows that and he doesn’t want to hide either. in fact he doesn’t hide at all. he even admitted it to people we work with. i was so mad that he did that. he made me look so stupid, not only for the fact that i am sleeping with a married man and everyone knows his wife, but also i have been denying it for months and then he just turns around and says that its all true! why would he do that? i don’t understand him!!! he said that he doesn’t want to hide and lie anymore, but what other choice do we have? HE IS MARRIED!!! i don’t know what he is thinking sometimes.
anyway back to saturday we ended up making out and right in the middle of it she started calling. he didn’t pick it up, but she wouldn’t stop. she called over and over for 15 minutes. finally i told him just to leave. he said that he was sorry and that he didn’t want to, but that we probably can’t hang out as late as we used to because she is always up waiting for him now. he wants to come over tomorrow after work i said maybe, but i know i will let him! when does this end?? sometimes i just want him to get caught again so that maybe she would throw him out. i put a little extra perfume on the other night so that maybe she would smell it, am i crazy??
Mary M,
I don’t think you’re crazy, but this is a no win situation. Of course his wife isn’t going to let him hang out with you, it’s not like she is going to give permission for him to mess about. He has to make a decision- his wife or you. He cannot possibly hope to maintain this scenario.
You say he’s not hiding from people at work, but what is he telling them, that you slept together or are sleeping together. if it’s the former then he’s trying to persuade people that it’s over. It was unfair of him to not discuss what people were going to be told if anything(other people are so nosy), as you say it doesn’t put you in the best light. By now you’ve probably been branded a liar etc etc
For what it’s worth, I don’t think he’s gonna leave, but hey what do I know, my ex husband left me for another woman so it does happen…..but while he has you hooked and you’re prepared to hide because he is married then the situation won’t change, he has no reason to does he??
Now his wife knows, it’s effectively over, she won’t let him disappear/hang out for hours without checking up on him, thats only natural. He’s being very unfair to both of you, he can’t possibly concentrate on making his marrriage work with you in the picture, and when you start thinking about ways for him to get caught out then thats a bad sign. Give him the ultimatum her or you, and make him make the decision.
Hi Ladies,
Lips: this guy does not sound very nice. But I understand how easy it is to be blind to faults when we love someone.
MaryM: He is going to have to make the decision… things cant be how they were because she’s not dumb! My MM’s wife takes his phone when he gets home, and calls to find out what time he left work. We will never be able to spend anything other than lunch times together if things do continue.
Voice: I am sure they do think about us… surely they cant switch off 100% completely???
I got to speak to mine last night: albeit about work, but there was also some light conversation… It was so nice to hear from him.
I have a date tomorrow though! Of course like Mary M I will spend the whole time comparing… but it may keep my mind off it a bit> who knows?
I just wish I could wake up and everything be ok. Whether I wake up and we are together or I wake up and I have no feelings whatsoever for him. I hate this in between stuck in limbo phase……
So lovely to have you guys to talk to though!!!
MM,
I don’t think they can switch off either, I must admit though, I don’t like to ask about things like that in case I don’t like the answer. It also helps me remember my place in all this…. π
LLM,
I struggle with alot of the feelings that you have and that is how I came up with the idea that I have an addiction to him, that it might not be love but an addiction just like a drug, etc. I know I can’t stop my relationship cold turkey with him because I know I’ll fail miserably getting over him. Since I found this website and have been able to read other people’s stories and know I’m not the only one out there feeling this way, I’ve felt so much better. I’ve been slowly pulling away and opening myself up for other, more available, options. Even if it means being alone and being okay with it.
I have found that by pulling away he’s more apt to call me and ask me what I’m doing or send me text messages saying he loves me. I still feel good when he does that, but, at least right now, I feel better knowing I’m not as dependant to get through my day by talking or communicating with him somehow.
It’s so hard and its amazing what our ego’s will allow us to do when we’re hurt, but hang in there. You will see the light!
π
i am not ready to give him an ultimatum, because we are not at that stage. we are not in love with each other which is why i should really just break free now, but i like him so much that i don’t want to. i have so much fun when i am around him and the sex is amazing so i am not ready to give him up. i know that it is the wrong choice. i am playing with fire, because any day i am going to find myself in love with him.
lips,
you are right when you say that it is not a good sign that i want him to get caught again. i know that is crazy, but i guess i just want him to be single. i am trying to be more like you and kristi and accept my place, because i am not ready to give him up yet. i do think that he may end up leaving her, but i am not waiting around for that.
he should have talked to me before admitting it at work, but he said he is tired of lying. he didn’t say it was over he said that what we do is no ones business, but not to judge me for any of it. he is the one that is married and i was only lying to protect him. i heard that from a third party so i know that it is true. he always tries to make me look like the innoccent one even with his own wife.
Hey Mary M,
As far as work goes, people will always believe what they want anyway. so let them get on with it. Do what you feel is right for you, even if it is playing with fire. You can only accept your place, if it’s right for you, and right now it isn’t. As you say you can only give an ultimatum when you are ready to stick to it otherwise there’s no point. To be honest if the wife is checking up on him and thinking he’s still carrying on then she may be the one to call time on the marriage if there is no trust there.
Good luck, cos as you say you will more than likely find yourself in love with him, then it’s a lot tougher.
We’ll all still be here for you….. π
he got caught again! we went out tonight when she was supposed to be at class and she came home early and called him. he didn’t answer it and a couple minutes later he wrote her a text saying that he was out walking the dog. she knew he was lying because she was there with the dog and his truck wasn’t there. she knew he was with me, because it has only been 3 weeks since she caught us the first time. when she asked him he admitted it. i asked him why he didn’t just try to cover it up and he said that he doesn’t like lying. i know i said i wanted him to get caught again and i did, but i am going crazy right now because i don’t know what is going on. i don’t understand him or what he wants. after she found out he knew that he was in trouble, but he wasn’t upset. he admitted not being upset, he did go home though. he didn’t run out the door, he finished his beer and gave me a long kiss goodbye first. i am so confused now!!! i can’t wait until tomorrow to find out what happened. do you think it is over? i know it is wrong, but i really hope so! it is crazy that we got caught again in such a short amount of time. i kmow that some of you have been having affairs for 10 years and i can’t even make it 3months?
Mary M,
A few things…… It’s not at all crazy that you both got caught again…Is your guy that complacent to think that after gettting caught only 3 weeks ago, he thought his wife wouldn’t have tried to catch him out again, he must of known she’d be watching him. If he was going to try and make a go of his marriage then you two should of killed things at least for a bit. Seems mad to me that he just carried on regardless after getting caught the first time. The other thing is this. He isn’t trying to cover anything up, is he trying to push her that far that she kicks him out, so that he doesn’t have to make the break. Pretty cowardly if thats his game. I still say he has to make the decision whether you are prepared to give him the ultimatum or not. I think his wife may doing that if you don’t. In answer to your last question, and I’m only guessing here so correct me if i’m wrong but your guy seems to lack any caution as regards to your affair. My guy has never acted the way yours does, he has always let me know where I stand, and we discuss and carefully arrange whats going to happen. Maybe thats why mine has continued for as long as it has.
Keep us posted
Take Care.
Crazy question….Do you ladies ever think it is only a matter of time before you are hauled into court for divorce proceedings–how humiliating and embarrassing that would be!
Mary M,
I’ve been reading your posts and I’m in the same boat.
We got caught about 2 and a half months ago and he confessed because he says she already knew there was no point in trying to cover it.
She recently hired a PI and now I’m more confused than ever…He says we should lay low until he can get out of this mess he’s created and that he want to be with me as soon as this marriage is over.
I don’t understand what she’s looking for, she already knows all about me. What more could she want?
I don’t want to loose him but I don’t know if I can put up with all of this for much longer.
I too don’t understand how some of you on here have been at this for years…I wasn’t able to make it through 2 months before she found out.
Any comments or advise would be greatly appreciated…I can’t tell my friends or family about this mess.
Thank God for this site, just reading it makes me feel a little better.
Thanks for listening!
Kristi,
I hope I never get named in a divorce settlement, but I can’t see me giving up my guy unless we get caught, so it could happen.
Princess Lost,
I personally believe that a lot to do with how well an affair succeeds is largely due to attitude. I am a mistress pure and simple, not a girlfriend to my guy. I love him but he’s not mine, he never was. I look at it this way. It is only a matter of time before my situation ends. When the wife finds out then that will be it, When they do they then watch their husbands like hawks. A married man can’t keep both situations going. To be honest if he keeps giving excuses as why he can’t leave then I doubt he will, unless the wife kicks him out. Move on it’s done
Voice of Reason,
Thanks for the advice…I know youΓ’β¬β’re right!
ItΓ’β¬β’s just so hard to let go when you had such high hopes.
I know it is, and again I suppose thats my point. My guy has never promised me anything. I think I’d be devastated if he promised me the world then took it away. but he has always said he would never leave his family. I’ve always known that so never expected anything other than what we have. I don’t know, maybe not everyone is cut out to be ‘the other woman’. Sometimes I think I think what I say on here sounds pretty cold and detached, but I really do think it works.
Let it go for 2007..
By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied t o anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got
to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s ove r. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ……
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth…..
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you! u have a bad attitude…….
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better……
LET IT GO!!!
If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him……..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…….
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves……
LET IT GO!!!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed ……….
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying “take your hands off of it,” then you need to……
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .
LET IT GO!!!
“The Battle is the Lord’s!”
words for yall,
Thank you for the post. Please know that this situation is difficult for us all. We know what we are doing. We do not go around laughing, joking, and bragging about being with married men. There is a price to pay for what we are doing. We all know this. I have LET MY MM GO on three separate occasions. Each time, he comes back to me. I am wrong for the reciprocation.
Words for yall,
Not wishing to sound rude here but…….Thank you for god’s opinion, but what about your own????…. did you find this page because you have your own story to tell or do you need any advice.
If so please share…. most of us are here because a lot of the time we are unable to discuss our situations with family or friends. As Kristi put it we’re not proud or boastful of what we do, but for what we do, there is a price.
Voice,
I say that because I know my MM’s wife. If she found out, she would be pissed and would let everyone know that she caught us. She would make him pay big time and dragging his mistress into court as proof is just up her alley. Now, she is a decent person, but a scorned woman can act ugly and she would have every right. He seems to care less and less about being caught–I just hope he doesn’t use me as an “out”.
I know mine too, and believe that she is also very capable of doing what you’ve just described, as you say a woman scorned. I hope I never find myself in the divorce court, fortunately for me I guess, is my guy has no intention of being caught, he’s very cautious when it comes to us meeting up. he tries to cover all the bases as it were, he stands to lose everything if we are found out. So in that respect I don’t think he’d use me as a get out. Would freak I think if he turned up on the doorstep with his bags!!!!!!
i may end up in divorce court sooner than i thought. he ended it with her thursday night. she packed all her stuff and moved out yesterday. it is really over! he didn’t leave her for me, but i am sure i helped him out the door. he said that he has never been happy and he couldn’t live that way anymore. this is a hard time for him though and i dont know how to act or what to say. i requested last night off for a party so i haven’t seen him yet.
he is torn up about it though. she took the dog and he is freaking about that. he said when he walked in the apartment last night and all the pictures were down and all her stuff was gone his eyes welled up for the first time. he doesn’t regret it though and he is not even calling this a trial or anything he wants a divorce. he said she is crushed. i just looked at her mysace and all the pics of him are gone and her status says single.
since everyone at work knows about us now, i am afraid of what they are going to say about me. he said that he was going to explain to everyone why they broke up because he doesn’t want anyone to think anything bad about me, but how can we have a normal relationship now? and the worst part is that people know and like her. my manager definitely likes her more than she likes me.
i am going to try not to focus on all the bad things though. i am so happy that he is the one that ended it so i don’t have to wonder if he would rather be with her. also i get to go home with him tonight after work. i am so excited for that!!! i actually get to sleep over and wake up next to him! this is so crazy i still dont think it sunk in yet!
Mary M,
Just give him a bit of time and space to get used to it all. As I said before, people will think/say what they like anyway. They will see your role in the situation whether he explains whats gone on or not. Also as you are now going home with him and staying, and dating like a couple, then people at work who like her probably aren’t going to be queuing up to shake your hand. But if you can take the heat then I hope you get what you want.
Good Luck
The other thing is can you honestly say that he didn’t leave her for you when you are going home with him tonight. I think he did.
But as I said, best of luck to you. I really hope it works out for you.
Wow mary m! This all transpired so quickly. I hope that you are ready for it. Not to be crude, put please use protection until you are sure this is what you want. Not trying to play mother hen, but a baby is a huge responsibility.
Enjoy your time with him π
voice,
people at work will be nice to me, but i am sure they will have something to say about the situation. also we are not a couple now. we are going to see where things go, but we are taking it really slow. he didn’t leave her for me. he may have left NOW because of me, but he wasn’t happy before me.
kristi,
this did go quickly but they say that if a married man plans on leaving he does in the first 6months if not then he will probably never leave. don’t worry i am not trying to have a baby at all. i am in school and i am going down the shore for the summer. i am staying over tonight, but not every night. i like him so much but he has a lot of things to deal with and i want him to do that. it is nice and exciting that he is single now.
I really hope people are good to you at work as really it’s none of their business. It’s good that you’re gonna take it slow, I suppose I’m just saying please be cautious, I just wonder if it may be difficult to deal with both letting him deal with the things he needs to whilst seeing what you can make out of a relationship with him. Also does it not bother you that his wife moved out yesterday and you are staying already? I’m not trying to sound nasty, just wondered cos I’m not sure I could do it.
Take Care…. π
i don’t even know who i am anymore. i like him so much and love every minute we spend together, but i am so ahamed of all of it. i had no regard for this other person and now she is crushed.
voice,
to answer your question it did bother me last night. so much that she was the only thing that i could think about. i couldn’t relax even though i was with him. we just sat on the couch and talked for hours about her and us and what everyone thinks of me. he said who cares but it hurts.
last night she came into the bar. he didn’t see her but i did. she came with one of the other bartenders girlfriends, who used to be my friend, but last night didn’t even say hello to me. she told everyone what happened so not only does eveeryone know, but they know it from her which puts me in the worst light possible. i do have a couple friends still which is why i know what everyone is saying, but maybe it would have been better if i didn’t. everyone feels sorry for her and they should, but they also feel a little sorry for him. “the poor guy got rushed into marraige. he wasn’t ready and he’s too young.” everyone just shakes their head at me. no one has gotten so involved that they lecture but i feel the stares. why am i the only asshole it this?
i did sleep over even though it was against my better judgement (not that i have been listening to that at all lately). i thought maybe she would show up but he assured me that she wouldn’t. she sent him a text saying “i’m coming for the rest of my stuff tomorrow. make sure she is gone!” he wrote back “what time” then she knew for sure that i was there. she showed up around 8am(i think) and broke the bedroom door but somehow i guess since we were drinking and didnt go to bed til 7 we didn’t wake up. then he went to the bathroom and i guess she was in the other room. i was sound asleep and i guess her staring woke me up but i opened my eyes and she was standing over me. then she just starting punching me. i blocked her punches but didn’t swing back. how could i? then he came in and pulled her out of the room. she starting yelling at him “but this has nothing to do with her right!?!” she said to me that i had a lot of balls going there and she was right i did. what was i thinking?
after she left i started crying and he was apologizing for getting me into this, but i did it to myself. i don’t want or expect sympathy. i know i dont deserve it. i was raised in a nice catholic family and my parents have been married for 40years. i wasn’t raised like this.
i was going to leave right after that happened but he didn’t want me to and i was afraid she would be waiting for me so i stayed and eventually fell back to sleep. when i woke up and saw him next to me it was like none of it mattered. please don’t judge me. you are the only ones i have, but continue telling me th truth cause i know i need to hear it.
thanks!
Mary M,
Wow what a time you’ve had. As you’ve asked for honesty. I’ll give you my take on it all, as I’ve said before I’ve been the wife and am now the other woman so maybe that gives me a bit of an insight. I’m gonne say how I think things are perceived and with that please bear in mind I’m only going on what you’ve wrote so sorry if I presume anything wrong, but also please know I’m not judging you, and I’ll apologise in advance if I seem out of order.
You are asking why you are seen as the asshole in this. I think the basic answer to this is, regardless of his unhappiness beforehand, you have trashed a marriage and she is the injured party, and yes I know it takes two, but when my husband got caught out, most of my venom was directed at her, because at the time I thought things were great in my marriage. Obviously they weren’t or he wouldn’t have gone elsewhere, but trust me I just didn’t see it at the time. Your man’s wife has gone from thinking all is rosy, trying for a kid etc to being without a husband and a home. Pretty bitter pill to swallow don’t you think???
Can’t begin to say how ill thought it was to stay there so soon after, it’s the main reason why I asked if it bothered you. With the network of friends you guys all have, it’s seems plain that she would of found out. I don’t think there is any justification in her phsyically attacking you, but she must have been so enraged to find you there so soon, to be brutally honest the first thing that entered my head when i read you were staying was ‘did you guys even wait for the sheets to get cold?’
Also from her quote of Γ’β¬Εbut this has nothing to do with her right!?!Γ’β¬Β seems pretty reasonable to presume thats he’s given her the it’s not you it’s me speel, and maybe tried to do the decent thing and keep you out of it, which whilst admirable that he’s defending you is complete bullsh*t when he’s got you staying there.
As I said to you before if you think you can front it out, then go for it. I just think that you are probably in for more of the same as things are so incredibly raw. I also think think it’s unfair of your guy to just wipe it away by saying ‘who cares’. It’s easy to say that when you’re not the one getting the filthy looks. Maybe he should have a bit more regard for your feelings.
Take care
Oh wow Mary M.!!! So much going on for you lately! Oh sweetheart, there is NO judgement here. Please remember that.
I can’t believe that she moved out & then came over to beat you up. WTF? Wow, you know, at this point, follow your heart & do what you feel is right. And experience it & enjoy the moments you can.
I dunno what to say to my fellow lovelies on this board other than I have had a crazy day of ridiculousness. Ummm… I FINALLY put a name AND and a FACE to his girlfriend.
I know after all the hurtful words he spoke to me last week, I haven’t really talked to him. He still calls me ALL the time. And I did give in & let him come see me Sat, in the morning AND he spent the nite which he never does.
Well since I am crazy, I looked in his wallet when he was in the shower & found her name & then when he left I found her Myspace. Oh, myspace is the devil. Mary M., I know you are w/ me on this.
To be honest, I expected more from him. I expected her to be something extraordinary. But she’s not. In fact, I would say she was a downgrade. She is not attractive. She is ugly. I know it’s not about how they look but how they make you feel… but she is SO not cute. And her page is all about them & their lovey relationship.
Okay, I understand people have different relationships w/ different people, but he is not a lovey guy. In the SIX years I have known him, he has never been. Not lovey, not affectionate, not a romantic guy, very tough, hard exterior. Umm…why does her page say & I quote, misspelling & all “I HAVE A LOVING & CARING BOYFRIEND WHO I AM WITH ALL THE TIME & CAN’T GET ENOFE OF HIM”—– WTF??? She can’t spell? Is she dillusional or am I? Wow, I know, I am bitter, but I have been w/ him for months now & now this person is REAL to me & it’s hard to digest. Maybe I am sick becuz in my head she is not real. And for her to be real is a bitter pill to swallow. It puts it more in perspective.
At 1st I was feeling good, confident, like, I am so beautiful & better looking & older & have more history w/ him & he is the LOVE of MY life & I am too good for HIM & I am lucky that I am not stuck in the deceit, he is not cheating on ME. But now, I am feeling dirty, sad, overwhelmed. I mean I just had sex w/ him & now I am reading her myspace page & ALL my friends are & seeing their pictures together that they he doesn’t want to be in.
Let me preface w/ some history. Please don’t judge. When we met, I was thinner, curvy, size 14. Now I am a 20. 6 years, 6 sizes. π And he gives me shit for it. And he has ALWAYS wanted me to get back to that size 14. That size is not me, before I had my son I was a 10. I would like to be a 10 again. But anyways, w/ my life & issues I have padded myself w/ weight to hide myself & I don’t feel like myself anymore. So, he has been wanting me to lose weight for years and I am not even trying. It’s a way to push him away, to not deal, It’s whatever & so much more. Well, I am pretty. Not to be vain or concieted, I know I am fat right now but, I have a very pretty face, I always have. And I know it, I just forget that sometimes.
Well, girlfriend, ummm… was Fatter than I am not when they started dating & not cute at all & per her myspace page, she has lost 70lbs in 6mos. I am sure by his manipulation. I am sure he told her to lose the weight & he’d marry her. Same bullshit lines. So she is thinner than me, and is more attractive than she was but I don’t understand why he would have started out w/ her when she was so ugly & 1st. I hope I don’t sound like a horrible person. It’s just, did he find a fat girl who he thought had potential to be a pretty skinny girl? Is he molding fat girls into skinny girls of his making? That is what it seems like to me. And here she is, losing weight, thinking he’s hers & he’s been sleeping w/ me (a fat girl) for months. And he’s cheating on her, not me. And I could walk away any day.
Remember how he told me all that stuff about loving me, always loving me, waiting for him, etc. all that bullshit that somehow worked? Well, I think it was a strategic move by him. Tell me what he needed to get back in my head cuz I wasn’t letting him back in. I knew about his girlfriend & I wasn’t having it. So, he started telling me all these things to get back in AND it worked.
And he has a not cute girlfriend who wears a ring on her left finger. What do you think that means. Well he called me a bunch today, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I don’t know when I’m going to. Eventually I will. But in this whole role of the OTHER WOMAN (in spanish it is called “SANCHA”) my place is muddled. And unfair, considering there was a time when I wasn’t Sancha. He told me today I was the best Sancha. WTF? No, I’m not, I am crazy. I am frickin’ psychotic.
I dunno, my head hurts. I have gone over this story maybe 15x, no joke, forwarding her page, getting validation from friends. I hope I didn’t come across as a vain stupid woman.
It’s just, I know him, I thought I did. And this girl, is a curve ball. And I am trying to make sense of it. But at least I know now. And knowledge is power. Just not sure what I am going to do w/ all this knowledge. Nothing too crazy. I am not contacting her or telling him I know about the page… I am still figuring out my next move. In the meantime, I am avoiding.
Thanx for letting me vent.
Lips,
Again as said with Mary M, no judgement, I just speak as I find basically, and i try to be honest.
I guess this is a classic case of be careful what you wish for. You went through his wallet, and found something out. that is really going to eat at you. Going through someone’s personal stuff is never a good idea. With regards to her myspace, what were you expecting to see written on there. ‘My boyfriend is a sh*t and is having an affair with someone better looking than me’. Not very likely to happen is it π All she is doing is writing down the relaionship as she sees it.
Why are you slagging the girlfriend off so much anyway?, (take a look at rule 8 at the top of this page)what has she done to you? You are reading as a very bitter person, with the way you talk about her, maybe thats just cos it’s on here.
Lastly though, It seems pretty obvious that this is a very destructive relationship. When you start saying things like ‘I am still figuring out my next move'(this isn’t a game) then you need to get away from the whole thing.
Take care.
Wow! And I thought my situation was complicated!
IΓ’β¬β’m so sorry WE are all dealing with this sh!t!
I know IΓ’β¬β’ve put myself in this situation and have no one to blame but myself for allowing it but itΓ’β¬β’s not easy to deal with anyway.
I wish everyone sharing their stories the best of luck and remember that we are all in similar boats so there is NO room for judgment Γ’β¬β definitely not from me!
Well, I donΓ’β¬β’t know if this is it BUT…
I called it off Thursday of last week after I found out about the PI. I donΓ’β¬β’t want to be hauled into divorce court! Although I might anyway. I havenΓ’β¬β’t seen him since Wednesday and I had a pretty good weekend considering. π I do miss him but I have come to realize that I am worth so much more than the crumbs I was settling for. I have a lot to offer a real relationship and IF he is really serious about us being together when his marriage is over than so be it. In the mean time I wonΓ’β¬β’t be waiting for crumbsΓ’β¬Β¦IΓ’β¬β’m greedy I guess but I want it all or nothing!
Thanks for listening! Reading your stories and advice has made me strong enough to take this first stepΓ’β¬Β¦wish me luck on sticking to my guns!
Mary M,
I’m so sorry that happened. I can only imagine what you were feeling. It isn’t your fault.
Update from me,
My MM is in the military and has weekends where he works strictly at the base, which is what he says. He spent both Friday and Saturday nights with me. He truly did work at the base during the day.
On Saturday morning he left me his email address and password because he was afraid an email was going to come through that he didn’t want his wife to see it. I went back to bed and then remembered when I got that he wanted me to check it. I couldn’t use my laptop so I used my phone to check. It’s somewhat difficult to navigate with a cell phone on a webpage and I must have clicked on something taking me to his sent messages. Needless to say I read an email to his wife stating that he loved her more than anything he didn’t want to lose her, he wanted to work on their marriage, etc. In that same chain of emails she had written about how when they had sex the other night she felt all that he could think about was me.
Even though I know what I’m in I was beyond devastated. We’ve been together for 8 months and at about the 4-5 mo. mark he gave me his word that he was not sleeping with her, he didn’t love her and he didn’t even like her. He was just waiting for the divorce proceedings to start. I was angry for about a half hour told him to go to hell…in alot of different ways.
This was Sat. AM and he was supposed to spend the night Sat. night and called later asking if he could come by and talk. We talked and really didn’t reach any sort of conclusion. He got up to go to the base Sunday morning and I said goodbye through the sobs. He had lied to me and I felt so betrayed but I can’t/couldn’t imagine getting up in the morning knowing he wasn’t in my life.
I spent the entire day in bed, crying and thinking. He called at about 10:30AM to stating he had a question that might spark a little anger with me but he had to ask it. He asked me if when I went to go see my kids at the house if I had “slept” with my soon to be ex. I was so angry and offended that he could think I would “get even” with him that way. He had to go because they were busy and said he’d call me back.
At about 6PM I became worried that I hadn’t heard from him all day. Usually he’ll call several times. 8 hours had gone by by 6PM and my mind was dreaming up all kinds of scenerio’s of what happened to him. I ended up driving toward the base, he called on my way there and we just sat in the car and talked for about an hour. I told him I understood why he lied, that I know it is difficult to know what you want in something so emotional, blah blah blah. And he asked me to take him back and I said I would.
As I sit here today, I haven’t eaten in 36+ hours because of the feeling in my stomach and I still very uneasy about the whole situation. I don’t trust him but feel like I need him.
I feel like I’ve lost 10 years of my life this weekend. I can’t stop shaking, there is no color in my face and everyone at work keeps asking me if I’m okay and I can’t talk to anyone. I want to go home and never get up again.
I talked to him this morning because he’s staying home from work to recover from the weekend and it’s been about 4 hours since I talked to him last. His wife has text me twice asking me if we’re over and to tell her the truth.
I can’t handle this anymore.
Thank you for letting me get this out.
Inspired,
Thats so crap, I’m really quite curious as to why he gave you his password knowing that the set stuff was on there. So now you’ve found out that he has lied to you and you feel hurt, unfortunately getting your feelings hurt is part of what we are all about. I suppose we make excuses for why they lie, but honestly they do because it keeps the situation going. Would you still be with him if he constantly told you how often they were having sex or how much he loves her. Would you put up with it???
I couldn’t deal with the wife contacting me, I’m sorry but I still think once the wife finds out then thats it. These women aren’t stupid once they are alerted to their husband playing about then they don’t let it drop. i think you had the ideal opportunity to get out when he asked if you’d take him back.
Good Luck.
Does anyone know if Mary L is ok?? not heard from her in a while…..
VOE,
Thank you for the advice. What you are saying is so true. This is the one and only time I’ve done this and I had been with the same man for 10 years and he treated me poorly for all 10 years. My MM has shown me everything I never had before and I did believe him and trusted him. I accepted that he was married and was wanting out and just wasn’t sure how to get there. It’s hard to explain but now everything I believed before is questionable. Even how he felt about me.
Thanks again.
Inspired,
I do understand, on a similar vein, before I found out my then husband was cheating on me I thought my life was perfect. Then when I found out I got a barrage of abuse about what a sh*t wife I was and that he didn’t love me anymore etc etc. I was gutted, everything I thought was true got turned on it’s head and it’s something that took quite a while to get over. Now you know he’s lied to you about his relationship with his wife, then it is bound to make you question every other thing he has ever said to you. That’s not unusual at all. It’s seems to me that he’s been doing whats necessary to keep you both on side.
I still find it surprising that he gave you his password, cos I’m sure he never intended for you to find the sent stuff, unless he thought you’d only check the inbox. Maybe he just forgot they were on there.
Take care.
I’ve thought about that too about the password. He asked me that question too. “If I felt I had anything to hide, why would I have given that to you?” I think it was something he just didn’t think through.
He truly is a good man just clumbsy I guess.
Oh Voice, you are so right. I forgot about #8. I had to reread the above. Wow. It’s settling in. And I am bitter. I am. I admit it. I feel wronged from him from years ago & we continue to repeat the pattern & come back to this place & everytime it gets messier & messier. I think the worst part is knowing that I have done this to myself. I have put myself here. I have created this painful situation. I did it to me. I can’t blame him. And I can’t blame her. And at the end of the day, it’s me who has to pick up the pieces & move forward. It will never be easy to see the man you love, the love of your life w/ someone else. Especially someone you feel you are better than. But really, would you ever think you are not better than your ex’s new love interest??? But at this point I am not planning a move like this is a game. I am not playing a game, I am playing his game & I have since I got re-involved when I knew he was involved. I am planning my next move for me. Am I strong enough to walk away? Can I say my piece, get my answers put it all out there so I can get some type of closure that will help me move on??? I dunno. I know I will get no judgement here, and it feels so good to just get it out & know that you are all here w/ good advice. I am just hurting right now. And it’s manifesting itself in bitter anger.
Inspired, I haven’t eaten in 18hrs. I can’t. This is horrible. I hope it gets better for you. I think finding my guy’s girlfriends myspace put their relationship that he says is over, more in perspective for me. And I wanted to know it. I wanted to find something. And I did. Voice, you are wise. Be careful what you wish for. It is eating me alive.
voice,
I’ve been reading the updates every day. I’m doing good. I did have a bad day on Friday. I couldn’t stop crying and I was sick to my stomach because I haven’t heard from him. I know I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, but I thought I he would have called me. I really didn’t want this to be over but I just didn’t want to be treated like this either. I really want him to leave her. I have that he lives four doors down from me. He looks so miserable. I’m glad and I hope he is miserable. I miss him so much. sometimes I wish his wife would have found out, then maybe they would seperate. I’m hoping one day we will be together. I get so angry at times because I feel he has gotten away with murder. Does he miss me? Does he ever think about me when they go out ever Saturday night? It never bothered me before that they went out until I starting dating him. He never once took me out. That is not right. Never called me over the holidays to wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy New Years. I thought maybe he was just using me for the sex. Thanks for asking about me. I have a lot of different emotions right now.
Mary L
Mary L,
Hang on in there, good to hear you’re doing ok in general.
I know you’ve said you don’t want to see him anymore, but if you have so many questions, is it worth trying to contact him to get some form of resolution. It’s not something I woulod normally suggest, but you seem so churned up by things. maybe you need the answers to get some form of closure to the situation.
Take care
she sent me a text message today saying “i am sorry about saturday. can i talk to you wihout you telling him. it would mean a lot to me.” i sent back ” you shouldn’t be sorry it was wrong of me to be there. you can call me if you want to talk. i wont tell him if you don’t want me to ” . i was pretty shaken up by it because i really didn’t want to talk to her, but at the same time i felt that i owed it to her.
she called and said that she misses him and that he said that he misses her and wants her back. my heart dropped when i heard that. she said that she was there last night and that he told her that he wants to make things right between them. that this was the worst decision he ever made in his life. if it wasn’t me that it would have been someone else. she said that she thinks that he is doing this because he has a drinking problem and she thinks he needs to get help. i know that isnt true because although we do drink a lot on the weekends but we are bartenders. he doesn’t even have any alcohol in his house. she said that when she was there last night she saw a bunch of beer bottles. he said that they were the ones from saturday night. whenever we go out during the week he barely drinks cause he has work in the morning.
she asked if i had been in contact with him. i told her i had. i talk to him a lot every day. i also told her that he told me that it was over for him and that he is sad that 4 years are gone and he does miss her but that those feelings werent there anymore. i told her how he said that he was unhappy way before i came into the picture. she said that she didn’t know that.
the thing is that i know you are all reading this and thinking that he is a big asshole and just trying to play us both, but a lot of things that she said didn’t make sense. she kept saying that he was asking her to come back and that she even though she loved him she needed time to think about it. that doesn’t make sense cause he is the one that ended it and i know that she would go back in a heartbeat. i told her that if they were working things out then i was done. i can’t be dragged through this anymore. i think i am falling in love with him and i can’t cause myself anymore pain. i also told her that i was completely angry with him because he had obviously lied to me and that i really wanted to confront him she really didn’t want me to but then she finally said that if i felt i had to then i could.
i called him and told him everything and he said that none of it was true. that she was only there for 20minutes. he told her that he missed her but not that he wanted her back. he said that the only reason she called me was to try to get me to stay away from him. i think that he is right. i believe him but i dont know if it is because i am blind. i have never caught him in a lie and pretty much everything that she said besides the few things about him wanting her back, were word for word exactly what he told me.
he said that he told her he was sorry for the way it ended and he wanted to make things right. that he would do whatever he could to help her through this. meaning help her pay for school or whatever else she needed. he feels bad that he hurt her and he still loves her but he doesnt want to get back together.
i believe him. he hasn’t lied to me yet. i also think that her calling me is her way of fighting for him. he told me today that he has strong feelings for me and that he has for a while and that i am part of the reason that they broke up. he also said that she knew all along that he was unhappy. he always told me that even before we hooked up. what do you think? i am so torn. he promised me that it was over and i know all her stuff is gone even the her furniture, but if he changes his mind again i am going to be devastated. my heart really can’t take anymore!
Mary M,
I’m not sure what I’d do in your position, but from reading your post I wonder a few things.
I’m not saying necessarily that he has lied, but I believe that maybe he has tried to do the decent thing and let her down gently after all the saturday stuff, but maybe he hasn’t been clear enough, for example maybe saying things that he thinks you both want to hear. But on the flipside of that, it’s totally conceivable that he has lied to you. It’s a well known fact that many married men realise what they gonna lose in this kind of situation. I’m not saying that this is the case, but it’s a distinct possibility.
I would be interested in the fact that she didn’t want him to know that you’d spoken, In as much as if she’s told lies then he’ll contradict them. The problem is with that though is that it works the other way. If her version is true, he will want to dissuade you from believing her.
Also who told you that she was there with him, was it her because he didn’t want you to know, or had you not had chance to speak to him???? I would also wonder about him playing down the length of time she was there, Do you believe that a splitting up couple would only spend 20 mins discussing what the future held for them. To me it seems very unlikely… I’m not trying to make you doubt. I just don’t think the timings accurate. He may just be trying to spare your feelings.
Aren’t you concerned that he is saying that he still loves her and yet he has feelings for you???(yes I know it possible to love more than one person). I think he really needs to deal with that before he can start any kind of meaningful relationship with you.
Your remark about her saying she needed time to think doesn’t make sense….. Of course it does, yes he ended it but IF he’s asking her back of course she is going to want to think about it. Wouldn’t you if the boot was on the other foot. The trust between them is completely broken. No matter how much you love someone, aren’t you going to think twice about getting back together when they’ve hurt you that badly????
And yes you believe him, now no offence but I think you are in too deep to be completely unbiased. It’s a whole case of he said, she said… but lets be realistic who are you more likely to believe… The wife who ideally you want out of the picture, or the husband you are falling for????
Take Care.
voice,
i know exactly what you are saying and of course i want to believe him but at the same time what he says makes sense. what she says doesn’t. i was with him from the time he was done work until midnight last night and now i am going over to spend the day with him because his office was closed due to snow. it is valentine’s day and i am going to be with him. it seems like it is really over for him. i just think that she desperately wants him back. the reason i don’t think that it makes sense that she would want to take some time is because she knows that he is unsure so i think that if he put the offer on the table she would want to sink her teeth into him.
oh i forgot…
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE!!!
i hope everyone is doing ok and we are here if you are not!!!
Happy Valentine’s Day to you all as well!
All the best always!
Wow! I’ve just spent nearly 1-1/2 hours reading all the blogs…and wow! I’ve been the OW for four yrs now. My MM has always said he would not leave until his child graduates high school (which will be this year). It’s been hard…and I still don’t know what will happen. But I love him so much…he’s like no other man I’ve ever known. His W pretty much knows about us…I don’t see how she couldn’t…I just think she doesn’t want to give up the lifestyle she has. But even when she was told about it from an outside source…I thought we would be over. He completely denied it to her…and yet thru all that continued to see me. That was two yrs ago when that happened. I keep telling myself I’ll end it if something doesn’t happen after graduation…but somehow I think I’m lying to myself. I have finally gotten out of the not doing anything “just in case” he can come over…I have friends now that I do stuff with and have actually put him on the backburner a few times. My very best friend knows all about it…it’s nice to have someone to talk to about it. I didn’t have that until about a year ago.
Holidays are especially hard…I cried on the way to work this morning.
Thank you to whomever started this website…I don’t feel quite so alone now…
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Hope everyone is doing well!
Hello to allcriedout….Welcome
Happy Valentines Day to one and all. I spent the afternoon with my MM and we are going to the theatre tomorrow.
Mary M,
Here’s hoping you got the day you wanted….. π
I wasn’t trying to put a downer on anything, I was trying to see it from all ways round and it’s difficult to gauge situations through a screen sometimes,, but if you trust your judgement then go for it….
Take care all…..
I don’t know what I would do without this board and everyone’s honesty. On Feb 1 I finally walked away from my MM. It had been a year and a half and I have tried to leave many times before but have never made it this long.
My story sounds like everyone elses’, he’s my soul mate, he’s going to leave when the time is right etc. I finally got tired of the lies and the crumbs.
At first I did really well. My weekends and evenings were my own again, free of the anguish of waiting for phone calls that never come. At work when I miss him most, (since I’m the weekday girl) I would come on here and read everyone’s story and that kept me strong.
Well, for Valentine’s day he sent me a huge bouquet of daisies, (my favorite flower) and it melted my heart. I contacted him (big no-no) several times and spent a lot of time yelling at him for all the lies, no call/no shows, etc. All this did was give him room for more excuses. Now he is in my head again. I was strong enough to tell him I still want no contact (going forward) but now the saddness and the anger have taken root.
Whilst I feel this way I am in great danger of contacting him again. I am a firm believer that no contact is the only way to do this, but what do I do with these feelings? I know I’m doing this for myself because I deserve better, but why does it feel so awful?
Thank you for listening and I hope for all of you a happy valentines day.
Desertwoman,
You are right a clean break is the best way to go. The reason why you feel so awful is because you’ve devoted the past year and a half to him, and have little in return and also you have a void in your life. If you’ve told him you want no further contact then he should respect that. The flowers although lovely I’m sure were a bit of a cheap trick to push the right buttons, and it worked cos you got in touch with him, although I think he was hoping for a better outcome than what he got. The excuses he gave may have got him back in your head, but let’s face it, if he hasn’t left after this length of time then I can’t see it happening unless you give him an ultimatum, but even after that he still has to choose you.
The sadness is totally natural, it’s a kind of grief as you are letting go of something dear to you. As for the anger, try and let it go as it takes up an awful lot of energy to carry around that emotion.
Take Care
desertwoman,
voice is right and you already know that you should just cut ties. it may lead him back to you with no strings, or it might just be over. time heals all wounds and if he doesn’t end up with you i think you will wake up one day and realize you are in a better place. as for now i guess surround yourself with friends and whatever makes you happy. we are always here if you need us.
as for me… my day was amazing. the roads cleared up and we went out all day again until midnight. we had so much fun and the best part is that it was just us, no interruptions. i realize now even more then before that this isn’t just physical for him either. we were together for 10hrs yesterday and 8hrs the day before and we didn’t sleep together. we could have but we were out and about and both had to be up early. i was also kinda testing him because i wanted to know how he really felt about me. he is taking her name off the lease today and they have to do their taxes together, and they are also going to take that time to split up the bills. i don’t know what to take of all this it happened so fast. is it too good to be true?
Mary M and Voice, thank you very much for your responses. I am so glad we have this web site as it is very strengthening. Well I have some news that is a blessing in disguise. MM told me this morning he is considering taking a job in Iraq. While I’m hurt that he never discussed it with me and very sad at the thought of losing him, it really is a blessing. He will be physically gone and yes it’ll hurt, but I think this is my chance to grieve, heal, and move on. He said he hasn’t decided yet but I am going cold turkey now with the assumption he is gone/leaving.
Again, thank you for your support. I’ll be on here quite a bit in the weeks to come……….
Hi everyone. I just discovered this website. I too am involved with a married man, for 6 months now. Like you all, my story seems so familiar. I love it, I hate it. I want to just stop, but it is not as easy as it seems. I see him every week, at an activity we both go to; then we stay after, and, you know. Every week for the first little while I would say to myself, I just won’t stay, but then I found myself there, almost without knowing. Now I don’t even bother lieing to myself.
I am old enough to know better. My marriage broke up 16 years ago, and for all that time I had no one in my life. I was very lonely, and vulnerable, MM and I were good friends. We would talk, laugh, sometimes have a friendly hug. Then last year, he told me ha had loved me for years, his marriage is no good, he will leave her now he has found me. It seems so familiar after reading all these posts. Yet why can’t I just end it? I know he will never leave her. I don’t know if I really want him to. Why am I risking my reputation, my friends, everything? I know he makes me feel loved and special, I am lonely. But I know where this will go.
Anyway, Valentines Day came and went. I received and gave my very first Valentine ever. (My ex and I weren’t into that, maybe why we are ex) It was special. I guess that is why I stay.
Hi everyone.
The theatre was amazing, he also gave me a beautiful pair of earrings. Nights like this don’t happen often, but god he knows how to look after me. π
Mary M,
So glad your day went well….. π
I guess time will tell if it’s too good to be true, but if it isn’t enjoy it while it lasts.
Desertwoman,
As you say maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that he could be going overseas, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. But a huge amount of distance is a good way to get over someone. It’s unavailabity at it’s best. Keep yourself busy with life and it’ll work for you.
Nuala May,
Hi and Welcome. We should all know better!!!! I have to be honest a say I don’t like guys that promise the world when they have no intention of delivering, it’s just cruel. I do understand your situation though, I spent quite a while alone after my marriage broke up, and it’s tough when you go to bed alone, and there seems to be a huge lack of affection in life. As you say it makes for a vulnerable person. I am concerned if I get found out, as my family and friends don’t know and I should think they’d be disappointed in me, But your card made you feel the same way tonight has made me feel, special and thats why I think we do what we do. For all the disappointments we have, those moments of happiness outweigh them.
Take care.
Thanks Voice. I am glad your day went well. Hang in there desert woman. The right thing to do is always hard but worth it, and don’t beat yourself up for one little slip.
I met my MM last night. It was wonderful as usual. When we are together, it is so easy to believe all those nice things he says. Then I get home and wonder “what am I thinking”. It’s very strange. But I am glad I have found this place.
iΓ’β¬β’m not the other girlfriend. I am actually the ex-girlfriend who heΓ’β¬β’s still been sleeping with and canΓ’β¬β’t cut off. Not only that, he has promised several times to commit back to me but his actions never followed through. I had been with him for a year. We had a serious relationship. We had been through tough times and stuck together. We had looked at engagement rings. His eyes would tear up when he told me that he would die for me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He broke up with me because I had taken out recent stress on him and he couldnt handle it. He wanted space and said he didnt want to see other people. He became close to a girl heΓ’β¬β’d only known for a month and slept with her. I found out and I told her what I knew because he didnΓ’β¬β’t tell her. She didnΓ’β¬β’t want him anymore and he came back to me. Then she realized she did want him back. I canΓ’β¬β’t let her win. He was mine first. HeΓ’β¬β’s been lying to her like heΓ’β¬β’s lied to me. His relationship with her is based off nothing. He has everything with me. What do I do?
Row,
Which one of you does he claim to want to be with or is he just playing you both????
Our valentine’s day celebration was last night. We went to a formal event which was a first for us. He was very attentive, teared up when he told me how much he loved me, and couldn’t stop looking at me and smiling. These times make it so hard to be strong. I wish it could all be different.
Voice- I’m sure he is playing us both. As of now his actions have shown that he is choosing her however I can’t be sure of that because he still had the audacity to text me Happy Valentine’s Day when he decided he was going to spend it with her and not me. For a man of 26 he has no maturity. Yesterday I found out that he got into my Myspace and had the nerve to make changes without my permission. He deleted all of our pictures and changed my status from “in a relationship” to “single”. Ironically, although he tried to erase himself from my page he decides that he is going to leave the main picture as a picture of the 2 of us together. He also texted me “Did you need to tell me something?” I don’t know know why he would say that if I haven’t tried contacting him in the past couple of days. We used to live together and his belongings are still at my house so I figured he still feels like he can have both women knowing that he’s got his foot in my door. He spends more time with her though and so now I feel like I’m the OW even though I was here first. Do you know of any websites that deal with being The Woman? I feel like the other girl involved should be reading this site and not me.
Inspired,
Glad you had a good day too… π Funny enough I had a fab evening too, but by the time i went to bed it had left me feeling a little down, same thing I guess, wishing it was all different, but knowing it never will be….oh well
Row,
The only sites I would think exist about being ‘the woman’ would mostly be aimed at slagging the other woman off….
Is the ‘did you need to tell me something???’ text about you speaking to the other girl??????? Or did he know about it already??? But either way the guy is screwing with your head when he sends texts like that, and as for the Myspace thing, who the f*ck does he think he is???? I’m sorry but whether you love the guy or not, kick him in to touch, because I think he is exhibiting signs of wanting to control you and the situation and that is just a no no in my book. I know it’s easy to say on here, but I would make him choose her or you, and if it’s her then pack up his stuff and get him out of your life as you are worth so much more. I know I can be quite opinionated, but I have quite a bit of experience to one degree or another when it comes to affairs and your guy seems to be a classic case of exactly what you already know he wants both and keeping you dangling with a bit of attention keeps his foot in the door.
Take Care.
Here Row,
I don’t know whereabouts you are in the world, but I found this letter in one of the papers….. I know it’s not exactly your situation, but I think it has some valid points.
AM I A FOOL TO CRAVE HIS LOVE?
LETTER OF THE DAY
16/02/2007
Dear Miriam,
IT’S been a year since I broke up with my ex boyfriend and you’d think I’d be over him.
But I’m not. I love him just as much as ever.
All my friends say I’m crazy because I still let him have sex with me when he feels like it. I hope it will make him love me again.
But that’s all we do. He isn’t tender or affectionate outside bed – and now he has a new girlfriend.
He didn’t tell me about her. I saw them together and, when I confronted him, he had the cheek to say we’re not in competition but, if I didn’t like it, tough.
When I don’t see him, I make myself believe I can live without him but I only have to hear his voice to break my resolve. What can I do to make him love me?
Miriam says…
WAKE up girl. Even sex can’t buy back his love.
You don’t want the relationship to be over so you’ve decided to take up residence in cloudcuckoo land.
For many men, sex is separate from a relationship, from dating, from love, even from liking someone and having feelings for them.
Sex doesn’t guarantee anything. A man can dislike a woman and still have sex with her.
Why should this man spoil his perfect arrangement when there’s no incentive? He’s enjoying having you and the freedom to have a whole harem of other girls if he wants.
As long as you continue to feed your fanciful belief that sex will get you what you want, he will use you and you’ll be bitterly disappointed.
This is no longer a genuine relationship, just a sham and you’re suffering. He’s not your boyfriend and he’s no kind of friend to you.
He doesn’t respect you. With him, you feel empty and alone. You deserve better and it’s up to you to seek out a man who isn’t a waste of your time – someone who wants to be with you first and your body second.
Distract yourself with things you like to do and hang out with the friends who are giving you good and wise advice.
Thank you Nuala for your encouragement. Voice, I’m glad you had a good evening but I so understand the down feeling when you went to bed. The highs are incredible but the rest of the time is so hard.
An update. I got really upset over his leaving for Iraq. I should have just let it be, really it was the best thing. Well I got all upset and sent a nasty e-mail to him (big mistake) and then he called me and said he is not going after all as he can’t be away from me. A friend of mine thinks the job offer in Iraq was non existent. What is everyone’s thought on this?
Well if it was a lie, it sure got me. Now we are talking again and today we went out to lunch. We are not “together” but I can feel myself slipping right back in. God, how I hate this! Where is my backbone? It’s nothing but lie after lie but I can’t bring myself to stay away from his attention.
You all have a wonderful weekend.
Desertwoman,
Don’t know about the existence of the job offer, as I don’t know his work, I suppose if it was the sort of job he would be offered then it could be true, but if not, this guy really seems to know how to push your buttons, as you say he’s got you back ‘not together’ but back. Do you think it was real or just a ploy???
Sounds like we are all in the same boat in one way or another. We know what we need to do, but the good times, the memories, and maybe for me anyway, loneliness gets in the way.
I liked the article Voice. I think the answer is in having a life outside of the R. I am a very independent person usually, I don’t need to let my happiness be determined by someone else. I will try to keep myself busy with things and people I enjoy being with, and to heck with him. Easy to say, but the only way to do it is to get on with it.
Row, you don’t need this guy. It sounds like you are pretty young. There are guys out there who deserve someone as loyal and true and loving as you seem to be, and one day, one of them will find you. Desertwoman, it sounds to me as if he was just playing you, “oh, I’m going far away, and you won’t see me for a while, lets just get together for old times sake” or some such, then he changes his mind? Or maybe he truly doesn’t know what he wants.
Anyway, have a good weekend all.
I loved the article Voice. It hit the nail on the head for me, thanks for sharing.
I am doing well. This week has been rough, filled with alot. But I am making it through & know that everything will be okay. Thanks for all the support here. It’s nice to have this place.
HI,
Havent been in for a while. I have recently patched things up with the ex-fiance (who left me when he found out about MM)
MM has gone back to his wife for good…. and I still cant stop thinking about him.
I almost feel I am living a lie but love my fiance very much. Its almost an addiction to MM though.
As you know he is my boss, but we have been on opposite shifts. Both our contracts have changed and we will no longer be working together from the end of this month so hopefully I can move on eventually…
Just not sure I can let go…. I fell in love and I dont know how to fall out of love.
MAry M, glad to hear he has left the wife. Hopefully things can work out for you now
I wonder if there isn’t something of an addiction in this for some of us. I have been thinking along the same lines. I have alaways been a bit of an adrenalin junkie, My work life was always very busy, and I work in a crisis laden field, and lately that has slowed down, and my homelife was always very busy and crisis laden as well. It seems as soon as things settled down a bit in both areas, moved to a different job which is calmer, and things at home setled a bit, what do I do? I go and find myself in an affair with a married man. The danger, the risk if we get caught. I guess that may be part of the rush. Sounds silly doesn’t it?
Anyway, he now says we are getting “serious”, and he will leave his W soon. I will believe it when I see it, and in the meantime, do what I can to have a life outside the A. Concentrate on family, friends, my own activities which I enjoy. I think that is the answer, not to let myself be so dependent on the R to fill all my needs.
Anyway, take care of yourself MM is boss, and all the rest of you. I read somewhere that love is a choice, and we can make choices about whether we are in love or not. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I think we can make a choice and a conscious effort to not allow our feelings to dominate our lives, and it will get better. We are all wonderful women, and we need to remember that.
hey all thank you for your comments. it’s so sad how much we are willing to love and forgive and let ourselves be used and abused. as crazy as I feel about my situation i know that I still want this man to be mine. Voice, you’re article truly meant alot to me. I’ve always been aware of the cold hard facts but it is my feelings that leave me stuck in the situation. Nuala, I am 24 years old. I know i am young and could have many more opportunities and as much as I would like those opportunities, every man i look at just doesn’t compare to him. i was pretty much set on the fact that he was ready to move on with this other woman. in fact when i went away for the weekend he came home while i was gone so that he could start moving his stuff out. but he saw this collage that i had made as a valentine’s gift. he said it made him realize how he was not over me and couldnt go on with this other woman. when i saw him again we talked and he made promises again of working things out and i told him i was scared to believe him but he told me not to be because it was going to be alright. he called the other woman in front of me and told her he was cutting her off. he has been honest with me since keeping me updated on staying away from her. we live in separate cities (his job is in the other city) and he promised he would never go to her house while he was not in town with me and instead he would stay with my parents who live in the same city as she. and he did do that. but today there was drama with his sister. she had been trying to help me move on and he found out and was upset and he thinks I’ve been lying about meeting other people and he mentioned for a brief second that he might regret cutting the other girl off if i did lie. this is such a mess. i won’t give him an ultimatum because i won’t let her have him. it’s not even about him anymore. it’s about the other woman. i refuse to let her win. and i know i’m losing my mind through all this.
Row,
I fully appreciate how you feel about not letting her win, but remember you and your guy were not together when he hooked up with her. What has she done in this thats wrong???, well nothing much as far as I can tell(correct me if I’m wrong). I also think you will drive him away if you present yourself as nasty and bitter by refusing to let her have him!!! From what I can tell, it’s your guy thats been causing the trouble by going between the two of you. His comment about he might regret dumping her if you’ve lied in my view is just playing mind games. I suppose the fact he will be staying with your parents will help, but surely you can’t expect him to stay there every minute. Is that gonna happen?, if not, what’s gonna happen for the times you don’t know where he is?
If you can’t trust him, what’s the point????
Just found this website and was reading through some of the emails. I too was/am the TOW and have been on and off for about a year and a half. He is 39, soon to be 40 in July and I am 31, soon to be 32 in June. When I met him, he did not tell me he was married. In fact, down the road after we had spent much time together and as I would say “sealed the deal” is when he told me he was separated. Then I found out: he is separated but still living in the same house with his wife who is 8 months pregnant and a 3 year old. He finally did leave or should I say she kicked him out. I am admitting to the fact that I am the one who told his wife via phone one night after him and I got into a huge fight. I know I was wrong but I had lost all senses. I still feel guilty to this day. One thing that has helped me through my own tumultuous relationship and getting through ruining someone else’s is God. I don’t want to go into too much detail as to what a jerk he is because I feel I am just as much of a jerk. I will say he has moved out, gotten his own place, she has filed for divorce and he has set up parental visits and dates he keeps his kids. We still see each other but as things have progressed, I have learned that nothing is ever going to change his ways of thinking about marriage and women. It honestly will have to be God that turns him around or he will be a very lonely man for the rest of his life. I too struggle with completley leaving this situation. I know it is the right thing to do for all parties involved. I do not think this man will ever be able to commit to anyone. Time can heal all wounds but with God they heal quicker and you seem to make better decisions along the way. I am still learning, but I do know what I want. I want a man just like my father who has been married to my mother for 38 years. He puts her on a pedastal and treats her like a queen. She in turn treats him like a king. They signify TRUE LOVE to me. I think that is what we all really want in the end anyway.
Welcome Andee. And ROW, I’m with Voice on this one. Just take care of yourself, OK? Once you are strong and confident in yourself, you will know what to do.
Voice,
Even though technically we did not have the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, we were still seeing each other and when he was with me he treated me like we were still together. He would tell me that we were back together when he was with me and say that he loved me and wasn’t talking to her anymore. I know she hasn’t done anything wrong but I think it’s quite callous for her to take advantage of someone who was supposedly trying to heal from a breakup especially when he had told her that she was a fool to expect any commitment from him fully knowing that he was still not over me. When he had cut her off the other day he told her the reason why was because he could not date her when he wasn’t over me, which was a lie. The real reason why he cut her off was because he wanted to get back with me. And he finally told her that yesterday. She was upset that he was choosing me over her but she accepted it although she couldnt stop bugging him about it. It sounded like she threw in the towel but I don’t know where that leaves him. I know he’s sad he can’t have anything with her but it’s because he doesn’t want to lose me. Everything’s unstable right now but I am trying to keep my feelings out of this and be as indifferent and confident as possible.
this week has been amazing! i was with him almost everyday. she is completely gone and he is treating me great, but i am the one that can’t get her out of my head.
i am nervous that they are going to get back together or that what is going on between us isn’t real for him. he is doing everything he can to make me comfortable. he is even moving out of the apartment that he shared with her within the next couple weeks. luckily his lease is up at the end of march. how can i let go of this. he is trying to move forward with me and i am getting a little freaked out. i like him so much and i think i might be in love with him, but i am so scared of getting hurt. he keeps saying that we can finally have a normal relationship and although it has felt somewhat normal the last week i still can’t stop thinking of her. maybe i will feel better when he moves cause then i won’t have to think everytime i am in that apartment about how he used to live there with her. we say that we are taking it slow and not rus hing into anything, but it doesn’t feel that way when we are together as much as we are. i have loved every second of it, and he seems really sincere. tell me what you think. i am so confused and am still afraid that this is too good to be true. does the OW ever come out on top?
I am currently dating a man who has a woman at home. They have a 3 year old son and just had a daughter. I also have a 2 year old son with him. I really want to break it off with him but it is so hard because we share a child. He wants to have a relationship with his child. I can not let my son go to their house because the woman is enraged with me. She has burned up 2 cars of mine, busted windows, you name it she has done it. Currently we spend every weekend together. We have been dating on and off for about 12 years. For the past 5 we have been serious. We broke up a few days after the birth or our son and I have been the other woman since then. does anyone have any suggestions on how to end this relationship???
Mary M,
I’m glad that the week has gone well for you, as for how you are feeling, do you think to a degree it is based on the fact that A) the situation is all still a bit raw for everyone, and B) that because of how you guys got together, you are basically waiting for something or someone to come long and wreck it???? I think your guy seems to be doing all he can, and I don’t think that the amount of time you’ve spent together is necessarily indicative of you rushing into the relationship. I think thats kinda normal, we’ve all had relationships where at the start we’ve literally lived in each others pockets. Seems to me that things are going as well as they can given the situation as a whole.
Arb,
Ending your relationship is never gonna be easy as you say, because you have a child, but if you are going to end it, then you need to seperate and make the relationship purely about him and his child. If your boy cannot go to his house, is there somewhere neutral like a relatives/friends house that he can see his son without you being there???? I’d never condone violence but I can’t say I blame his partner for being pissed off. I’m only assuming here on what you’ve wrote but if he is spending the weekend with you aswell as his child then she is bound to be unhappy. You need to be straight with him, allow him to have time with his child, but if possible not with you.
Take care
Hey Voice, I was hoping that you would reply to my last posting. Do you think you can give me some more of your input or at least analysis?
Sorry Row, I missed your last post,
Um ok……….Reading through your posts, my honest impression of your guy is that he is telling you one thing and the other girl something else and playing you both. The typical thing a guy does when he is trying to keep two situations on the go. He sounds like he is or at least has been a bit of a player. You say you think the girl was quite callous for going after someone who is healing, but can you say with 100% certainty that at some stage he hasn’t said to the girl that your relationship with him was dead in the water and that he wanted her even if he couldn’t commit at that moment. Do you only have his say so on whats been said between the two of them, if so I’d be wary. Your last post says he lied to the girl, ok I know he came clean eventually, but even so how do you know he isn’t lying to you too??? I think I’d also be concerned if he is sad that he can’t have anything with the other girl in as much as could he be unsure of both how he feels about you and whether or not he’s made the right decision to choose you. Things are bound to be unstable for a while, but if he has chosen you and is trying to move on with you, then try and embrace that as best you can. And finally whilst being confident is good, be careful with the indifference because it’s something that can quite easily be confused with lack of interest.
Hope this helps, take care
Hi just found this website and i had to write. I have been in relationship with MM for nearly 11 years. I am married too with three children. Same old he said he would leave when kids are older!! I tried ending in early stages but he persuaded me to not he said he would see me until i am in my 80s!! This affair does not seem to affect his everyday life but it does me cause i am so emotionally involved – imagining him with her and him spending time at weekends etc, not remembered on special occasions she always comes first. I am too good to play second best to anyone so i called it a day a short while ago but god it is just soo hard. It keeps going around in my head is he thinking about me? does he miss me? or has he just wiped me out of his mind and life and merrily getting on with his wife!? I feel as if wasted 11 years of my life and even now still wasting it by thinking about him everyday. Does it get better? Will i always feel so crap? I have learnt one thing though i will never ever ever do this again!
thanks for listening x
Wow, I’ve been reading this site all morning and I can’t stop. I can’t believe how many of you are out there in similar situations to mine. It’s actually really comforting. I haven’t gotten through everything yet, but to all of you- Mish, heartbroken, Kristie, Mary M, Voice of Reason, Morphine, etc. – it’s nice to know that I am not alone.
I’ve only been the OW for about 2.5 months now. And, like a lot of you, I almost don’t know how it happened so quickly and how it got to this point. I work with him and he’s 10 years older than I am (I’m 26, he’s 36), and we’d always had chemistry and a mutual attraction to one another. One night, a bunch of us were out after work for drinks, he and I ended up being the last two there, we were a bit tipsy, one thing led to another and he kissed me. I honestly thought it was going to be a one time deal. Next thing I know, we are seeing each other constantly and it’s most definitely not a one time deal.
He married his HS/College sweetheart and they have three kids together. They’ve been together a long time and he doesn’t necessarily talk about a bad marriage, but he readily admits they almost never see each other. They have opposite schedules, all completely based around the kids. He’s always been the type to work very late, and has a lot of meetings at night, so it’s pretty easy for him to see me. He told me he loved me first, and I couldn’t say it for awhile – it’s not something I can say to just anyone. But now, I fell for him and I’ve said those words to him. He has told me he wished he met me before, and that the only thing holding him back from just being with me is his kids (which I can understand). He has also talked of divorce (again, this has only been going on a little over two months, so it’s still early). At first, all of that talk scared me – I wasn’t sure if I was only attracted to him because he is unavailable, but now I know different. I’m totally in love with him. He calls me his soulmate – and I think he’s right. We are soulmates. I don’t fall for people easily – just thinking about how quickly this has all happened baffles me.
Somedays, I think I should just end it all, be the responsible person, and walk away, because of his kids. I have even told him when I get these feelings and he panics. Other days, I can’t bear the thought of ending it, of not seeing him, and not talking to him. I never stop thinking about him. It also makes it hard because we work together, so if I do break it off, I won’t be able to avoid him. I do better with the “out of sight, out of mind”.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It’s hard when you can’t talk to your friends. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. But I will keep you updated.
I’ve finally finished reading everyone’s posts!
Voice – I admire you and being able to enjoy your MM and what you have without trying to sugarcoat it.
mary m – I really hope it works out for you – it sounds like you’ve had a rough few months but that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel!
Arb – I feel for your situation. She sounds a bit crazy. You need to separate yourself from him but still allow your son to see him, if possible. Good luck.
Welcome Lucie R & NA,
We all try and help each other so if you feel lika a chat then sound off away. between us all we know what we’re talking about eh girls…..
π
Take care
NA – Thanks for your comment, from my point of view there’s no point trying to sugarcoat it, I know exactly what I signed up for and am enjoying while it lasts. I always think I sound cold when I say things like that, but after reading everything on here, I firmly believe the way I deal with my situation is truly best for my welfare. Maybe it wouldn’t work for everyone.
Take Care & Thanks Again. π
Been reading everyone’s posts, and just feel I have to add my own. It is comforting in a way to know that there are so many of us, all feeling similar over the same thing. I wish Voice, that I could get to the same space of acceptance that you are at. I too know what I was getting into, in a way, but I did not realize it would be so hard.
My life is in turmoil. I have been in this affair 6 months now, maybe acceptance will come with time, but right now my life is in turmoil. I feel as if I am living two lives. I am distracted, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I am missing things, I can’t focus on other people, my situation is always in my mind. I know I should end it, but I ache for the time we spend together, even though I know it is just crumbs that I am getting. I read somewhere, maybe here, that if he hasn’t left in 6 months he never will.
I never thought I would find myself in a position like this, and I have done some very strange things in my life. Just venting I guess. It is nice to have a space to vent. Thanks for the support I feel just reading these posts. Take care all you wonderful women out there.
Just had to add Lucie, I am sure it will get better. You are so strong to end it, and it is the right thing to do for you, or you would not have done it. I know it is hard. I get upset just thinking about it, even though I know it is the right thing for me to do as well. How did you cope for 11 years? You are strong. Hang in there. I don’t know you, but I am pulling for you.
I’ve been the TOW with a man at work for the past six months whose wife has late stage breast cancer. I’ve known him casually for 3 years, but only this summer did I start spending more time with him. He’s always stopped by and talked to me and one day he asked if I wanted to grab a cup of coffee. And it started out with us talking about what was happening with his wife, etc. Then it turned into coffee each morning. Then a drink after work where he came out and told me he had been interested in me from the day he met me but never did anything about it. I told him nothing could happen but we could be friends. After three months of becoming close friends, he tried to kiss me. THe first three times I said no. And we talked many, many times about why it couldn’t happen. He wanted me to go with him on several business trips, but I always said no. I was strong for awhile, but finally I gave in. And it was amazing. He is my best friend, but I always had this horrible guilt over my head. I always asked him why he was doing this–and he said that things had changed almost five years ago when his wife first got sick and ever since then it hadn’t been the same. I don’t know. I tried to end it so many times, but couldn’t.
Then last night he told me his wife had sent their two kids to a friends house for the night and said they needed to talk about their constant fighting and the state of their relationship. He called me around 11 and said everything was fine. But this morning at 10 a.m. I recieved a call from his wife telling me to not having anything to do with her husband that his children needed him. And I haven’t heard from him since. I know what is right to do. I just feel so ashamed and guilty and I’m afraid of what might happen at work. How do I handle this??
I just found this site, too, and had to write. I have never felt so alone, broken, and shattered in my life. I have always been a happy person, someone who has lots of friends and has always worked hard in life. But now that has all changed. Like many of you, I’ve been “involved” with someone who’s still married (albeit separated) and has a 2 and a half year old precious girl. The relationship started in deceit almost exactly a year ago. I had been in a relationship with my ex for 3 years when I started seeing my MM. I lied to my ex boyfriend for a few months until I finally confessed my other relationship to him. It ended then, and I had to take time off from everyone for a while…but sure enough, I was still hooked on my MM.
Though we have never had the chance to *really* be together, and his wife knows all about me and that he is in love with me, the tables are quite turned now. For the past couple of months, his wife has begged him to come back and try to be a family again. I can’t blame her for that, but he has been denying her because he doesn’t know if he can go there again (long story short, they were married almost 9 years and she left him a few times during this time and cheated on him herself – but he always gave it another chance, and now they have a child together, and that’s the reason he’s so torn now).
Also, during these last couple of months, he has distanced himself from me, saying he needs time to think about what the right thing to do is (I understand that, but it’s so hard). AND lately, he’s been treating me like crap – getting agitated and testy, and making snide and sarcastic comments – things he never used to do. For some reason, he has an incredible hold on me, and I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. It’s hard to explain it all here, but he says he loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone before, and that he KNOWS he’s in love with me, not his wife. I know he wants to do the right thing for his family…
But I’m torn, because I’m finishing a doctorate right now, and barely have any motivation to do that because this is consuming my life. I have dreams of living elsewhere after I finish school and teaching and performing (I’m a musician) and I know that I would basically have to live where I am now because of him and his beautiful child (who is so innocent in all this). At times, all that seems worth it to me, since I love him and his daughter so much. But other times, especially when I’m treated badly, I just feel so lost. And it’s hard to know how to pick up the pieces…
I’m so scared, and feel just so alone…
Sorry for the long post…
Also, in response to So Ashamed, I completely understand and relate to you, because I’ve received similar treatment from my MM’s wife before (we, conveniently, all sing in the same groups in town and all have to see each other fairly regularly). I know it hurts, but in your case, he does have a commitment with his family and sometimes we have to place ourselves in the shoes of those that are also involved and affected by this. All I can say is, get out while you can because it’s not worth it to feel like this. As the other woman, it’s hard to receive and expect the same attention from him that he would give his wife (sick wife, in your case) and children. I know it’s one thing to rationalize this, but it’s another to tell it to your heart. I hope you remain strong, and do what’s right for you. And listen to your gut, for sure. Best of luck to you…you are not alone!
At the end of the day, as the other woman you should never expect or ask anything of your MM, because he was never yours to begin with and any guy that promises a future when he has no intention of delivering is just a cruel b*****d in my book. As you point out sad girl it’s not practical to receive anywhere near as much attention as the wife will get, and to be jealous of that is just a waste of energy.
So Ashamed,
I never judge people as such but I think your guy needs a good slap…., do you mean late stage cancer as in terminal, if so then he should be giving his all to his wife and kids. if he can’t do that, then you need to be the one that ends it. Get out of it while you can, cos at the end of the day if he cheats on his wife when she’s that ill, then is that really the sort of person you’d want to be with????
Take Care
Voice of Reason, I don’t want to seem naive but it’s complicated. But in the end, you are right. He is not the type of man that I want to be with if he does this. She called three times this morning. Early on a Sunday. Threatening to tell people at work that we were having an affair if don’t stay away from him. Which I will. And now I feel like I really need to get a new job. I can’t handle the stress of wondering if she’ll say something if I happen to say hello to him. I don’t know what else to do with her threats.
And I made the mistake of talking with her. She said the pet name he used with me was the same he used to use with her, and that he described me as blonde and fat. The biggest shock–she told me he was married before her when he was young–some 17 or so years ago–and cheated on his first wife with her. He never once mentioned he was married before…obviously this is a pattern for him and I’m just another woman in his pattern. I know this is coming from her and need to take everything with a grain of salt, but I honestly can’t even imagine being with him again. I don’t know if anything we had was real. All I want to do is get away from it all. I’m just not how I do that. Especially since we work together. I feel so scared and lost right now.
So Ashamed,
Can you take some time off of work???
maybe have a few days away will help you get some perspective on things, but from what you’ve said (and yes I agree you have to exercise a bit of caution as the info has come from his wife) the guys sounds like a scumbag. Definitely sounds like his telling you both different versions. Challenge him on the first wife thing if you get chance to speak to him. IF it’s true then cut him loose and get on with your life, you don’t need all this,
By the way change your name to something more positive….. π
Take Care
Voice of Reason, thank you for your insight. It helps. I do plan to cut him out of my life, even if the first wife thing is not true. I just can’t take all of this. Unfortunately I can’t take any time off of work right now and his office is right by mine. Luckily we don’t have to interact to do our jobs. I would like to speak to him one last time but fear if she ever finds out she’ll go through with her threats. I’m a single woman who’s always supported herself and when she threatens my job that makes me very worried. Though I wonder if she’d really do it because it could also cause problems for him at work and he needs his job right now since he’s the only one working. I did spend all day job hunting today, so maybe that will pay off and I can put this all behind me.
I knew this day would come. I guess I was prepared for the idea of not being with him, but not the pain that came with the consequences. I also wasn’t prepared to learn how he really felt about me from his wife’s side. He said he loved me (not a shocker, I know) and treated me like he did in so many ways. He was my best friend. Now I’ve lost that. And more of a concern is her threatening my job. I think this is possibly one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life. I guess if it does come out at work then the biggest thing I have to deal with really is the gossip and how it changes peoples image of me. Which is hard…. But I also have a funny feeling many of them probably suspected it since we always get coffee together and talk. But I think the only benefit of the doubt we got was based on what people thought our true character was…now that’s gone.
I can’t thank you enough for responding. The past two days have been rough. And from reading everyone else’s comments I hear, I know I’m not alone and could be in much worse circumstances. But it helps to know that I’m not alone and I have someone to talk to about it. Thank you.
Take care.
I will change my name at some point, but right now it really suits how I feel. It seems like I’ve got “slut” or “Whore” or “homewrecker” painted on my forehead at this point.
SA,
If the wife is telling the truth then this guy was never your best friend….. if she did tell people at work, you could always counter that, by either saying yes it’s true but it’s over, or you could lie and say she’s making trouble cos she is jealous of your friendship. Either way you’re not going to lose your job are you???. I certainly wouldn’t start looking for another job just yet, maybe if things become bad then consider it, but to be honest I think any of us who have been office gossip at one stage know it isn’t long before something more interesting comes along to be talked about. and I’m not making light of it, I know what it’s like to be the subject of gossip, but it’s not forever is it???
All I can say is it will get better, yes you’ll have days that are better, and days where you don’t want to get out of bed, but you are none of the things that you’ve written above!!!! As harsh as it sounds and yes I know you’re a grown up and can take responsibility for your own actions but this guy played you to get what he may not of been getting from his wife cos of her illness etc etc.
Try and keep positive just get on as best you can.
Take Care.
Voice,
I am trying to be positive and move forward. I always dreaded the idea of this happening and now that it has I’m beginning to realize I’m not quite sure what I’m feeling. My gut is to run as far away from this guy as possible. I want to believe he’s the guy I thought he was, but I don’t know if I’ll ever know the truth now. And I’ll always have my doubts.
As for my job, you’re right. Gossip is the worse thing. But I guess my own insecurities make that the hardest part. But it is not forever.
There is one thing that came up in my conversation with his wife and I think I may have made things worse by telling the truth. She asked if we had slept together and I said yes. Come to find out he told her we were simply platonic friends who fell in love…but we hadn’t slept together yet. I contradicted him. Now I wonder if I should have just lied.
I wonder how long this will go on. How long can she threaten me for? How long do I have to walk on pins and needles if I happen to say hello to him in the hallway?
I’m trying to be positive. I am. I was looking for a new job anyways. This just put a fire in my efforts.
Tomorrow will be interesting. We will see what happens….
Well good luck for tomorrow, as for you contradicting him, well he should of kept you in the loop. It’s always unfair when the other woman gets put in that situation, when all it takes is a phone call from the guy to say this is what I’ve told the wife, so please back me up. You did what you thought was right at the time. As for work, as I’ve said to Mary M previously, people at work will think what they like anyway, no matter what you say, so don’t worry about them. As for her threats, either let her get on with it, or get in there first and say something. That way she won’t be able to hold anything over your head.
As I said before good luck, and let us know how you get on.
Take Care
Well I went into work today with a huge knot in my stomach, not quite ready to face him. But after spending all morning in meetings, I realized he wasn’t even in the office today. Things must be really rough at home if he didn’t come in. I’m worried about him. Which, I know, I probably shouldn’t be. But if he wasn’t in the office, it’s not a good sign. I know at some point I’ll have to face him, but I learned today that I could go the whole morning without even knowing he wasn’t there. So it is possible to go without talking to him again. I regret what I did now, so much. I keep thinking if I had been stronger none of us would be in this situation. On the other hand, since he hasn’t tried to contact me I’m realizing that I shouldn’t be worrying about him since he’s obviously not worried about me. I think he’s more worried about covering his butt at home than he is worrying about how I am handling all this. Just another sign that he is not the man I thought he was. I just want to make it past this initial period and move on.
Sounds like you’re on your way SA….. So you gonna change your name now……. π
So he’s not in work again today. I’m getting worried. I hope she doesn’t make him quit his job because of me. I haven’t tried to make contact with him, and won’t. But I’m worried now. Really worried about him.
SA – Maybe he is taking a few days off to sort things out? Can you email him to a personal account?