I’m taking a brief break from my current series on dating reflections of our parents and as it’s my 33rd birthday today, I’ve put together 33 thoughts on relationships, self-esteem and life. Enjoy!
1. Live with self-esteem at the heart of your interactions because if you don’t like and love you, you’ll act without love, care, trust, and respect towards yourself and engage with people and in situations that detract from you.
2. While it’s very ‘flattering’ when someone says that you’re ‘the one’ or they want to have babies or get married when you’ve just met or been on a few dates, you just don’t know each other enough for this to be sincere. Assclowns in particular are like dodgy estate agents – they rush you through the ‘relationship house’ at a whirlwind pace because they don’t want you to look too closely and are bamboozling you – they know if you were paying attention instead of being whisked along that you’d smell a rat.
3. Relationships are not a 50/50 partnership – they’re 100/100 because if you do anything less, not only will you not be authentic but you’ll be thinking about things in terms of your ‘share’ and your cut and anything less than full effort is subjective.
4. People who have an ounce of respect for you won’t keep trying to bust your boundaries or find ways to sneak under your personal electric fence.
5. There are lots of good people to date but if your frequency is set to emotionally unavailable people or assclowns and you haven’t learned to recognise and filter out inappropriate behaviour, these are the type of people you will see and vibrate with.
6. It’s great that you’re intelligent and smart but it’s not the same as being relationship smart nor does it afford you special treatment.
7. Don’t give your libido, perceived chemistry, attraction and common interests too much credit by correlating them to the rest of a person and assuming that they possess the same values as you – they might not.
8. Dating is a discovery phase – You need to go into dating with a reasonable level of trust and by paying attention to actions and words, you can roll back or increase your trust accordingly. Don’t be gaga and run around loving and trusting blindly because you will be ignoring evidence that indicates that you need to slow down or abort the mission.
9. People show you and tell you who they are and you need to be listening and watching, not deciding that you know better.
10. Avoid playing games in relationships because not only will you become uncertain as to what is genuine and what has been manipulated by the games, but you will lose all credibility with the other person if they become aware of it, plus if they’re dodgy they’ll take advantage of it.
11. If you imagine that hanging on to people and relationships that are unhealthy is like taking a big gamble or investing in a dodgy investment fund, at some point you need to know when to cut your losses before you end up in ‘financial’ ruin.
12. Be empathetic and understand someone else’s position but don’t be so sympathetic that you pity them, take on their problems, and attempt to fix/heal/help them inadvertently removing their power and responsibility and getting yourself lost along the way.
13. When someone is happy as they are but you try to get them to change to make you happier, you’re disrespecting them as a person instead of accepting them as they are and deciding if you can work with the ‘real’ them.
14. Staying and complaining doesn’t remove your accountability or do anything to improve the situation.
15. Change is scary for most of us to do but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it and we often find that it’s not as scary as we thought but more rewarding.
16. If you don’t believe that it gets better than this, it will reflect in your actions and it is important to understand what it is that you believe so that you can recognise where you may be limiting yourself and undermining your own chances of relationship success.
17. Stay away from people that rely on creating their own little space time continuum giving themselves the liberty of a fresh start and a selective memory with The Reset Button.
18. Be careful of Relationship Amnesia and Relationship Stockholm Syndrome because this is how you keep finding yourself back with someone who is no good for you.
19. Resisting the reality of something takes a lot more energy than accepting it – don’t give room to denial in your life.
20. Don’t just focus on the ‘good points’, the ‘good parts’ or the ‘good times’ – make sure you see the person or the relationship as a whole which will keep you in reality.
21. If you have to sell someone the concept of being interested in you never mind being in a relationship with you and effectively have to drag the horse to water and force it to drink, don’t go there as you will devalue yourself and quite frankly, you deserve better.
22. Relationships don’t work out either because you’re potentially ‘right’ for each other but behaving in counterproductive ways that eventually make you incompatible, or they don’t work out because you’re actually incompatible.
23. It doesn’t matter if you have twenty shared interests because if you don’t have shared primary values, your relationship will not work. Values are pivotal to being personally happy and being happy in relationships.
24. Often when we think people have power over us, it’s power that we’re giving away so stop giving away your power.
25. There are ‘normal’ ‘traditional’ breakups where the person respects your wishes, doesn’t bust up your boundaries and try to shag you, get an ego stroke, take your money etc but the No Contact Rule is for the ‘other people’ where normal rules don’t apply because they do things on their terms.
26. Desperation in any form mixed with dating and relationships makes a dangerous cocktail that can be smelt by assclown sharks a mile away.
27. People who are genuinely interested in you not only show their interest but they don’t resist you and they don’t make their intentions or interactions ambiguous, plus you know they’re interested without second guessing.
28. Any relationship where one person seems to think it can only be on their terms is a relationship to run in the opposite direction from.
29. Seriously there’s nothing wrong with your phone or internet connection, he’s ,not lying on the side of the road injured, an emergency hasn’t come up or any of the other excuses you’re dreaming up to make contact.
30. From the moment someone is saying that they want out or they’re not interested, this is a red flag signal that you need to be stepping back and losing your own interest.
31. When you feel rejected by someone it’s important to work your way through it otherwise you will get trapped in your feelings and seek attention from the source of your pain as it’s a temporary fix that will set you back.
32. If you’re with a person that requires if’s, but’s, maybes, except’s and closing your eyes and imagining them as you thought they were or how you’d like them to be, it’s a sign that in reality, your relationship isn’t up to much and you need to get into reality.
33. We don’t live in an ideal, fairy tale world so while its great that you know what you would think, feel, and do under various circumstances, don’t project this on to other people and assume they are the same unless you have evidence that demonstrates this.
Your thoughts?
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Happy Birthday NML, I wish you all the best!!
Happy Birthday!
Love this “Desperation in any form mixed with dating and relationships makes a dangerous cocktail that can be smelt by assclown sharks a mile away.” Oh yeah that was me – desperately lonely and emotionally starved for attention. Easy prey for a predator – Hell of a hangover from that cock-tale.
Quite simply the best relationship advice put into words. Ever. I am going to print this and read it if ever I feel in doubt again. Natalie, you have saved my life in ways I can’t begin to describe. Thankyou.
Happy birthday. Great read.
Happy Birthday and thanks for the “33”
Happy Birthday Natalie – I’m a lurker and grateful for all the posts and comments – hope you have had a grand time! xx
Jenna, what a good idea – think I’ll print it out too
Happy Birthday! You’re wise beyond your years.
I wish I knew all this at 33! But it’s never too late to learn and I’m printing it out too so I’ll remember it as I approach 53.
Thanks so much for this site. I haven’t stopped dipping in since I found it … 33 years too late to have prevented the Assclown disaster, but now keeping me sane in the recovery period after the EUM train crash. My boundaries are now secure, my core values sorted, the questions I need to ask at the ready, red flags won’t be missed ever again, I can handle NC, and know how to suck and see and take note of the results … no more Mrs Fallback Girl.
Happy birthday!
Well…Happy 33rd Birthday to you Natalie! You work so hard and deserve the very best. Cheers!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday!
Hope you get a gift as great as this post was for me.
Printing this and putting it on the wall.
Thank you.
xoxoxo
Happy Birthday Natalie! Hope you’ve had a wonderful day and many more to come. And thank you for using your birthday as an excuse to share your wisdom – that’s proper generosity.
I’m thinking I might have met someone who fulfils no. 27 – early days but it feels quite different …
Hi Natalie and happy 33rd birthday day to you!
Hey Dawn miss you!!!!!!
Happy Birthday and thank you for sharing your insights! #19 and #27 are especially helpful for where I am today. 🙂
Happy Birthday Natalie! You have helped so many people… even if you do nothing for the next 33 years you will have accomplished more than most do in a lifetime! Hope you realize what a wonderful gift you have put out into the universe. Thank you!!!
Happy Birthday, Natalie!
Thanks for all your wonderful insight. I wish I had known all this years ago. Please keep up the wonderful work! You are very gifted!
Thanks for another great post, Natalie. Have a wonderful birthday.
Happy Birthday Natalie!
Happy Birthday, Natalie!
I feel like I should write Thank You 33 times.. but I’ll save ya the space, You get the idea.. Happy Birthday!!
Happy Birthday! One of your finest posts yet. Will make copy & put on my mirror! Best wishes!!!
Thx for the 33’s!!!
I have been reading this blog for about 7 months. I’ve learned so much. I’m hard on myself wishing I would have know these things a year ago. It would have saved me so much heartache and regret. For the first time in my 53 years I’ve met two of these EUM’s within one year. I never knew they existed. Now I’m full of wishing I had known all this and find myself wanting to replay it all with this new information! I would have taken it slower, been more observant, paid better attention to the red flags. I just had no idea what I was getting myself into and it bothers me a lot that I have attracted these types of men. I had been married for over 20 years and divorced for 10 years. I thought I had learned so much on my own for the past 10 years until I met these men, and then BOOM! I found out there was so much more to learn! I am understanding and absorbing everything, but I have a hard time getting past these feelings of wanting to replay it all with this new information and feelings that I am viewed as the pyscho and slut, when I’m not. I never felt understood!
I’m not a fearful person and I have excelled in my career and family life, but the men issue is almost something I’m now afraid of. I don’t want to date any of them right now. I’ve been knocked down pretty hard by encoutering two of these EUM’s. I’ve kept the NC rule for 7 months, but made a phone call to say hi about one week ago, to “Suck It and See”. I did and felt the coldness on the other end. Thank God he hasn’t called back. I want to forget them, once and for all, but having a very difficult time and I don’t understand why. I do keep reading though and each month gets better. If I had enough time, I’d love to read more replys. Everyone has such great posts and we all seem to have a common bond. Thx always Natalie for your wisdom.
Virginia,
What you wrote really resonates with me. I too have been married and divorced, thought I learned so much after my divorce (and I did), but I was very naive about the existence of these AC’s, and how they operate. Maybe because I had been off the dating scene for most of my adult life?
I am also realizing that it’s one thing to do the work on myself and feel that I am at an emotionally healthy place, while I am outside of a relationship. But, then I start dating this AC, and it’s like all that flies out the window! My true test will be the next relationship. Now that I have been reading this blog for almost a year, I hope that I will be able to recognize the red flags for what they are. But I am like you, I am almost afraid to date now. I was an emotional wreck after the last AC.
NML, I hope your birthday was great, and I really do appreciate your insights on the blog. They bring me so much comfort and clarity.
Nicole & Virginia, I relate to waht you wrote – I’ve also been following Rori Raye’s blog, a lot of her tools helped me handle my feelings around men and practice communication, starting with non-dating situations eg in a coffee shop or even a library! I feel clear what I don’t want, I notice red flags but also better men coming into my life. My vibe feels better and I’m also enjoying being an older woman with the serenity that brings. A lot of that is down to working through old issues and emerging as a mature and cheeky me who I love and accept 🙂
Happy birthday!!! 🙂 Great read, as usual!
Happy Birthday, Natalie! I’m printing this to hang in my home office……I need to reread this often!
*~Happy Birthday Natalie!~*
I have been waiting to tell you that I read your posts religiously and can honestly say that you have truly changed my life for the better! I credit your words of wisdom for the major period of personal development I have experienced over the course of this past year. I am currently finishing up masters degree, but think that the ‘relationship education’ you have given me is one of the most valuable lessons I could have ever asked for — thank you SO much! – Laila
Happy happy birthday darling!! I hope your day is as wonderful as you are! And….thank you so much for putting together this kickass list…truly appreciated as your blog has become very helpful to me personally~
Happy Birthday NML.
Awesome post.
Happy Belated Birthday Natalie,
May you be blessed with many many more. Looking forward to “100 Thoughts on Relationships, Self-esteem and Life!!” 🙂
I’m a South Asian girl in my twenties. Where I live, a lot of women follow the pattern of a. hang on to the first guy you meet who claims to love you b. marry the dude at 25, c. start getting abused/cheated on by him at 30 and d. stay with him until either one of you dies.
Not me, though-not since I’ve started reading Baggage Reclaim. Thank you, Natalie, for helping me break the pattern. You truly are a lifesaver. Happy birthday!
happy birthday! my bday wish for you is that all your wishes come true and thank you for existing. 🙂
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Thank you again!
happy birthday,
Happy Birthday Natalie!
Thanks for the Party and this post as a Party favor will be well used. Also, once again, I would like to acknowledge you for your hard work and dedication towards “helping others”.
You have defined sysinctly exactly how we find ourselves in percarious situations when it comes to relationships with dubious characters.
Miss you too HH!
Happy Birthday Natalie! Thanks for all you do for us, you are a godsend for me and I can’t thank you enough for all of this great information that has helped me move on with my life. I felt like no one else understood my situation before this site… and then you knew everything perfectly and that I wasn’t insane! I will always be so thankful. Enjoy your day!!
Happy birthday, Natalie! And thank you SOOOO much for No. 27 — I needed to hear that today.
Great article as always! Happy birthday!
Love and peace,
Dona
Happy Birthday Natalie, you genius! I’ve just come across your website today and wish I’d found it months ago. Thank you!
Happy birthday, Natalie! Hoping it was a great one! Thanks for all you do to help others….
And a big shout-out to all my forum friends too! 🙂
Happy Birthday Natalie!
Thank you sooo much for all your help and advice your great! X
Happy belated B-day Nat!
Yesterday was 6 months of NC for me! Woooohoooo!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALIE!! and thank you for all that you do!!
Happy birthday and thanks for this wonderful article as our present on your special day.
I feel so damn pathetic-but ALL of these apply to me and the fake relationship that I’m in and have been in and out of for over a year. I’m a smart, attractive, healthy (at least physically…) working mother of 3 that fell for my boss at work.(was later fired for this). I found out midway through that he’s on 3 types of meds for depression/anxiety and has been for years. This is always his built-in excuse for any dodgy behavior-or “shutting down”. I can never put “too much pressure” on him by checking in about our relationship. I shouldn’t have to “sell myself” to him-if he was interested I would know it-I wouldn’t have to question it. I’ve tried so many times to let go-but always come back and he’s always there-but he never comes after me. How do I break the addiction? Its killing me!
Shi,
Keep reading the site, it does feel like an addiction but as with all addictions you know it’s no good for you and going cold turkey with NC is going to cause you some initial pain and you let go of this emotional leech. There is light at the end of the tunnel. There are many, many women here who have done it and are going through the process. Sign up to the 3-month email support that Nat is offering, read her ebooks.
Stay strong.
Hope you had a great birthday : )
Fantastic post!! I will print this off and keep going over it.
Thank you and take care.
Hope you have a wonderful birthday celebration, Natalie! Thanks for broadcasting your wisdom worldwide and investing your time to teach us all that it’s never too late to improve our relationships/lives and learn valuable lessons from our mistakes.
Happy birthday NML and thank you many times over for your wonderful and informative blog. You have saved my sanity and made me a much more grounded person. I bought all of your e-books and they have been way more helpful than all my hours of therapy. You excel at keeping things Real, and please keep on helping others just as you’re doing! xoxo
Dear Nat,
VERY VERY HAPPY 33RD BIRTHDAY TO YOU:)
33 WONDERFUL POINTS TO KNOW – YOU’VE RECAPPED BRILLAINTLY!
((HUGS))
Happy Birthday NML !! to a woman who is wiser than many almost twice her age. ( like me : – )
In my defense of me..reading this list does make me realize that one cannot really know these points unless one has let oneself fully experience assclownitus. However, just going thru arseclownitus does not make one know these things.
That is why this website is so valuable.
In the middle of arseclownitus its hard to be anything but just plain dazed and confused. This site helps one gain clarity and power over the situation.
My attempts at writing thanks ( and buying your ebooks to financially say thanks) cannot not fully express my gratitude. But I’ll write it again anyways. Thanks for this work Natalie, I hope it brings you much success.
AphroGirl,
I love that…”Arseclownitis” I suffered from it for the last 58years. Thanks to Natalie I hope I am recovering from this painful affliction. Now free for 14 months!
Happy Birthday, huge hugs and thanks to you, Natalie!
Happy Birthday MAMMA!!! xox
A Leo! I knew it! I’m a Leo woman too! Mine’s coming up on 08/12. 🙂
May you continously grow in your heart and in your mind, but not in your butt,
May you have more sunshine than rain,
May your mind be at peace when your head hits your pillow at night,
May your smile get brighter each day as you see your children grow,
May you continously be blessed through the years.
Happy Birthday Natalie and MANY, MANY more!
Big hugs!
Sherry
Just found your blog and all I can say is WOW. I think I have found my new favorite blog.
Happy Birthday!! my very best wishes x
Wishing you a very happy birthday – all the best, much health & happiness !!! bonne anniversaire – buon compleanno
Thank you for sharing & thank you for your blog <3
A.
Happy belated birthday Nataly! Hope you had a wonderful day! wishing you abundant health, happiness and love in the years to come 🙂
Happy Birthday Natalie.
Thank you for your hard work in sharing your thoughts in these blogs. Sometimes we need reminders.. & I am grateful to have found your website. Can’t ask for a better reflection. Every single point just nails it right.
I wish you all the best in everything you do.
Love & best wishes.
DS
…. please accept my belated “happy birthday to you”-wishes dear Natalie : wishing you all the best, much health & happiness *yay
since I couldn’t find a “fan-mail” – tag please let me express my sincere gratitude for your blog hereby.
as a non-blogess (and non native english-speaker) I usually just read and don’t comment.
*capital-wow, about 2 yrs ago I started “googling” passive-aggressive and found your blog.
you know what : ever since I have been reading and reflecting – your thoughts have ever since helped me the most in my quest for “self-improvement”. please accept my “Thank You” – GRAZIE MILLE from the bottom of my soul – for your blog & for sharing !
please take good care of yourself & your fan in Italy, Lucia