Often, when clients share their pattern of attraction to emotionally unavailable partners with me, I know that their romantic partners are very similar to their fathers. My spidey sense even picks up on, for example, the possibility of their father (or mother) cheating even before they admit this. How do I know? I’m attuned to picking up on relationship patterns. There are also subtle, near-casual things that people say that aren’t that casual. That, and I’ve dated nearly every possible variation of my father!
Habitually involved with emotionally unavailable people? You likely have unresolved issues with one or both parents. Combined with emotionally schooling, what you learned about values, and what influenced your beliefs about relationships, love, and yourself, you are following unconscious patterns.
If you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, it’s you’re attempting to right the wrongs of the past, heal old rejections, and gain validation.
If you’ve read my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, you’ll know that my parents broke up when I was two and that I idolised my father. To this day, how I was with him in the first few years of my life impacts my relationship with my mother. She felt very rejected by my daddy obsession. Side note: We’ll get to mothers in part three.
According to my mother, I was inconsolable and in deep grief when they broke up. It was as if he’d died. Now, although I’m too young to remember, I know enough to know that it felt funny to even try and recall that period of my life up until a few years ago. My chest would tighten. I’d feel panicky even listening to descriptions of that period as they touched emotional scars I’d long suppressed. Even now, early memories are warm and oddly comforting. But in 1983, just before my sixth birthday, everything changed. My father broke my heart and it took me another twenty-two years to get over it.
I no doubt already felt like he’d ‘left me’ when my parents broke up. He abandoned me though when I spent four weeks in hospital to have a serious operation to have a potentially malignant birthmark removed. Initially, I was thoroughly excited by the prospect of going into hospital and showing off to my brother. My father visited me once after my first day. After that, I didn’t see him until I returned home because, well, he didn’t like hospitals.
Excitement about the hospital quickly dissipated as I realised what the frick was going on. I actually thought I may go crazy in what was basically a ward with seriously ill children who either died or went home. The one time he did visit, I climbed on top of the window sill to try and get to him as he walked to his car. I became so hysterical and distraught, that the nurses sedated me. I wasn’t the same child when I came out of there.
While my father and I get on pretty well these days, it’s just never been the same again. I wondered what I’d done that he didn’t visit and whether I was a Bad Daughter. I felt unloved and unlovable and abandoned by the one man whose love I truly craved and needed. Combined with a very fraught relationship with my mother, despite my outwardly projected confidence, inside was someone who didn’t think she was loveable because her father abandoned her and her mother seemed resentful and hyper-critical.
Wondering why he didn’t visit became wondering why he didn’t call or fulfil his fatherly obligations. He stepped back and left fathering to my stepfather. In the meantime, I watched a very volatile relationship with my mum and stepfather play out.
Pretty much as soon as I hit my teens, I focused on getting attention from boys. There were the usual crushes and creating illusions. I tended to pine for guys who chased hard even when I wasn’t interested and then backed off when I reciprocated. Boom, my attraction to emotionally unavailable partners was in full swing. And it makes sense because the man I adored most reflected the qualities I unwittingly sought in boys and then men.
All of my relationships right into adulthood were high drama. I’ve been out with aggressive men and guys with alcohol issues. Some were sports-obsessed, womanisers, self-involved, or solo-minded. They tended to blow hot and cold and make promises they couldn’t follow through on, leaving me disappointed. They were all variations of the father figures in my life.
Petrified that they would discover ‘that thing’ that made my father abandon me, I lived in fear of abandonment. Even though I was often ambivalent about the guys who pursued me, once they turned the tables and blew hot and cold, they saw a different me. My fear of rejection and abandonment caused me to go from the outwardly cool and composed persona of confident, ambitious, and high-energy, to a high-drama, little girl still looking for her father.
I spent most of my twenties going out with guys that were eight to eleven years older than me. On one hand, they had that maturity that I was looking for from inadvertently trying to recreate a father-daughter dynamic. And on the other hand, by playing the very role I set myself up for, I hated it. I found it patronising when men treated me like a child (even if I acted like one at times). It led to high drama and me eventually rebelling to reassert myself.
The first time I had a major inkling that I was ‘daddy hunting’ was with my ex-fiance. He was charming, popular, aloof, obsessed with sport, an ex-cricketer, and had a tendency to withdraw or disappear when things didn’t suit. Funny, it was him that reunited me with my father. I remember watching them laughing together and suddenly feeling uncomfortable at the stark similarities. My family had that sympathetic look that people get when they realise someone is trying to go out with their father packaged up in a boyfriend. Unfortunately, the relationship reflected every negative thing I believed about love, relationships, and myself. It was a relief when it was over after the mind games and control I experienced. It’s just a shame I charged straight into being with someone who was already attached.
Little did I realise, I’d held on to a distorted image of him. Despite the deep-seated hurt and pain, I sought my father in my romantic partners. This created the wrong messages about myself. These guys wanted a girlfriend, not a daughter!
I come from a high-drama environment, so it felt totally normal when I experienced it in romantic relationships. And drama was bound to unfold by choosing men who were the least likely to provide a healthy relationship.
In retrospect, my quest for unconditional love combined with my unrealistic expectations and ideas about relationships caused me to act out. It was inadvertent self-sabotage. Testing men to see if I could get the unconditional love that I’d sought all of my life created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I spent my energies scared of abandonment and rejection and then poured salt on the long-term wound by choosing dubious relationships. Boom!, I’d get to live out my fears and then burn up energy trying to gain validation.
My father and stepfather aren’t Bad People. No, they just didn’t foster a healthy father-daughter relationship or an emotionally secure environment.
Over the past few years, I’ve stopped being the little girl who felt abandoned and unlovable. I’ve made peace with myself. When I was in relationships or around men, I wasn’t my age; I was the Little Natalie. I’ve had to take care of her and the adult me and nurture myself with love. Because you know what? I’m not going to get those years back.
I woke up as an adult with no healthy example to draw upon for forging healthy relationships. Underneath my confidence, strained smile, and my quest to be liked and loved by my peers, was a very insecure person. She didn’t know who the hell she was and had little self-love. It’s no wonder I headed down a self-destructive path until I became conscious, aware and present. And I hope that by sharing a little of my experience, I can continue to help others stop the relationship insanity and find peace so that they can get happy.
Your thoughts?
Add to favorites
It feels as if you’ve read my mind. Our stories are so similar that it is truly scary. Thank you for articulating what I’ve acted out most of my life.
I too idolized my father – he was the only one emotionally available to me until he died – I was 9. He was an alcoholic but he was always there for me -he went into AA, got sober and became a better person. To this day my mother calls me Daddy’s little girl – his favorite. I come from a family of 10 and am the youngest – tough spot to be in along the sibling lines. To be pronounced as the favorite. I think my mother was a bit jealous of that as well. Perhaps that has a bit to do with my attraction for older men. I don’t like men my age – their maturity is not there.
I too for different reasons woke up as an adult without any proper example of what a “man” should be or a healthy relationship. Still trying to connect with Daddy. In his eyes I could do anything – he was my support in everything I did – he always believed I could climb the tallest tree or anything else I set out to do. The one man I knew loved me – I wanted more of the same. Addictions – they kill the life spirit no matter how you try to repair it – its not quite the same – ever.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. In my case which is probably rare, my dad is quite the opposite of the men I have dated but I know in many cases women do end up with men like their dads. Although not consciously, they end up trying to ‘fix’ their partner and couldn’t fix their dad.
Yep… abandoned by my father at the age of 14 after a bitter divorce it’s not until now that the realizations of my unhealthy relationship patterns stem from this early childhood father/daughter dynamic. It has been truly eye opening. Once again Natalie, you are always right on the money. Thank you so much for sharing your story… I’m sure a lot of us on this site can relate.
Thank you for your story, I am that little girl as you were. I have struggled all my life, 55 yrs. Just only wanting to be loved, that’s all… trying all the wrong ways to get it. I spent 23 yrs married to an EUM who was an alcoholic and didn’t even realize it because he was a different kind of one compared to my father and stepfather. My ex left me 13 yrs ago and I became involved with another EUM. I continued deluding myself even after he told me, “Just friends, don’t fall in love”. I hoped and hoped for 13 yrs he would love me. He too, along with my father, step father, ex-husband, male babysitter, and high school boyfriends have all convinced me I am unlovable. Even some females, (I am not meaning in a sexual way). I am that little girl abandoned again and again, over and over, by her natural parents, adoptive parents, many friends and other relatives. I keep saying I’m not a bad person, but if I’m not why does everyone leave me? I drive everyone away…now I only want to die. I am old, my children grown and I don’t want anymore pain and hurt.
Hopeful I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I want you to know we on this site care about each other and if nothing else writing about our experiences can be theraputic. Have you gone to therapy, it can help alot. I’m 55 too and no we are not old.
Hang in Hopeful,
I recommend you look into reading the book by Dr. Michael Newton called “The Journey of Souls”
There is a much bigger issue here, than the physical body moving about the earth allowing relationships to define our experience.
Take the best of care.
As far back as I can remember both parents were unhappy. Unhappy and drinking alot. Of Course they mellow out over the years and have pass on.
I’m really tired of being unhappy. I raised my boys differently and I can only hope that they have fond memories of their childhood.
Is my past boyfriend like my father… I don’t know.
Come to think of it – I didn’t even take into consideration my step-father. He really was EUM and AC. Being a fisherman he was gone alot and that became the norm. To blow in and out of my life was normal. Drinker – just plain mean at times. He would be home for 3 months and my Mom could not wait for him to leave – then he would leave and right before he was due home she was missing him like he never was such an ass. I was 12 when he came into my life and that’s the daddy/daughter relationship I think I based my try to “fix it” with. He died 4 years ago – we haven’t spoken in over 10 years before that. Men leave – he did – when I threw him out of my mother’s house for making her ill. They were divorced 10 years before he actually moved out. Why she let him stay – I don’t know but I can see where I stayed too long in a relationship trying to make it work rather than be considered a failure over and over working at something that would never got off the ground in the first place. I just don’t think of him anymore or looked at any unresolved issues I have/had with him. Come to think of it the last ExEUM even looked like him – sort of. EEEWWWWW! Thats creepy!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I relate to this so very much.
You know , Natalie, I had this on my mind to write you, you truly are a mind reader. I was thinking the other day the reason I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt so much, is that I had been training myself all my life to find things in my father I could love. Adoring him as a child, getting the crap kicked out of my body, mind and soul for no reason except his fury and amusement, I grew up into a woman with no boundaries at all.
Finally saying no to the old relationship with my father, and eventually forging a new one in which I wouldn’t take any of his mean and shitty behavior didn’t extend to my love relationships. I thought, oh, he doesn’t hit me, and he doesn’t cheat ( I was wrong) means he’s ok. But he diminished me to nothing emotionally, was cold and hard, and I put up with it.
I was still looking for something in there to love and hold on to.
No boundaries.
We are NC 9 months, and rather than look for another man, I spent this time working on me, and my own acceptance and self love.
I don’t intend to ever “Date my daddy” again. Yes its hard and painful, but the girl I was who grew into the woman I am, deserves it.
Thank you you for sharing such a personal story, Natalie. I’m truly glad that you ‘ve found the strength to heal yourself and move forward. My father is an EUM as well. Physically present but emotionally distant. My parents also had a very contentious relationship filled with argumentds and bickering. I learned that relationships make people miserable and men cannot be trusted. It has taken me years to remove myself emotionally from the relationship my parents had and change those patterns. Thanks again for your insights.
Natalie, thank you so much for your candor. If it were not for you, this website and the countless other stories from women who post here, I would feel so alone when trying to evaluate and draw connections between my childhood and my love relationships. I KNOW where it all began. My friends who have similar issues as I do, do not allow themselves to delve this deep and make the connections. I know it is hard and it hurts. But, I just feel like I have to do this “work”. My life depends on it.
i’m bawling my eyes out reading this….quite the same similar story too.
Can’t wait to read part 2!!
My body took a big hit from the emotional fallout from the EUM.and I decided to working with a holistic heal care provider. Today in our first meeting I told her my story of abandonment , the EUM, ex partner, both parents, ( and got it down to less than ten minutes ) She replied that does not usually talk about herself but that about ten years ago she realized how her own abandonment issues with her parents colored much of her life and thinking.
I figure most women here have had these issues, if not with mom and or dad, then certainly with the EUM. But here is the beauty of what I heard this morning. This woman told me that she now sees and understands when things related to that abandonment come up but the pain of it all has lost its power.
I am thinking maybe sort of like you see it and say, oh, the old abandonment thing, there it is. But the sadness, the grief, the loss, the craziness that come with abandonment, those things do not define you anymore, You can acknowledge the pain of abandonment, maybe even have some respect for it but it has become unattached to your emotional responses.
Not sure if this makes sense, and I think this is one of the things we will explore. She has only planted the seed of an idea that I hope to really come to know. Like maybe one day the sad, angry and wounded feelings and reactions to abandonment that I carry inside me ( and hide very well) will be feelings of my past. Perhaps the reality of the abandonment will never go away but my painful feelings about it will be reconciled and I will make peace with them.
I had just started a new life for myself, in a new home, in a new year, with a relatively new job, when I had met the EUM. I knew then that I wanted to start over, that I wanted a life for myself that I and I only would define. I had known for a long time that I had abandonment issues, and that I was EU. BUT I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF REDEFINING MYSELF AND THE LAST LAST LAST THING I NEEDED WERE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AROUND ME WHO WERE EU, and especially a boyfriend who was!
Anyways, until him, I never had gotten involved in an unhealthy love relationship, granted I never had had until then a relationship that had lasted more than a few months. I would always leave when I saw bad signs, red flags, etc. I made sure to keep myself happy, and looj out for Number One.
This jerk got more chances and the “benefit of the doubt” b/c I wanted to believe SO BADLY that my new life had gotten off to a new start. Woudn’t you know it: one of my EU “friends” (who I no loner speak to, b/c she cut me off when I TRIED TO establish a boundary with her) took me to his hangout one night, to make ME look like a stalker! (I went with her after we had gone to another party I had been inited to, b/c I didn’t want her to cab a ride home! So I was “punished” for being the “good girl”, nice person, whatever, with his NOT calling me again–I had to call HIM to re-establish contact. It is no wonder that he didn’t believe me when I went NC. Off the bat, after only our 2nd date, he thought I was obsessed with him! Also, my “friend” went NC with me when I didn’t want to see her for lunch at a venue she curiously picked: a restaurant located VERY close, only a few short blocks, from where he works–a place not too far from where she works, but VERY far–in fact, in the opposite direction–from where I work! Interesting, no? My guess: she wanted to pull the same stunt again: make me look like I was stalking him! SICK SICK SICK. So now I think she projects HER desire for him onto ME. I have peace now that she is out of my life. I always felt that she betrayed confidences or talks we had by telling him the substance of them whenever it meant that doing so would hurt the image of me in his eyes.)
Anyways, I lost control over his perception of me, and that is what doomed the relationship, period. I didn’t really need the/any validation, but I have always always felt that I had a very unfair situation here, one that started me and my whole new life off wrong, at a time when I REALLY needed to have 100% control over my own life.
I felt as though this was a chance or opportunity where I coudl prove me to myself. And it was robbed from me! My image was tarred! And I was (unwillingly) (just b/c I wanted to be nice to my friend) PARTY to it!
And, ironically, my existence in his life, the fact that he dated me, has HELPED him in how he is perceived by his wife, and others.
Aphrogirl, these people are selfish jerks, period. That is the one fact that it helps to remember.
I wanted to add that my father was a workaholic who was never home at all, except for a few hours on Sunday every week–IF THAT. Also, both he and my mother had fathers who died by the time that they were 10. It is completely normal for me and my parents to NOT have a man (a father figure, a patriarch, if you will) around. So the EU’s excuse of “workaholism” worked
(but that excuse was a lie, BTW–he REALLY had a narcissistic harem that kept him busy and unavailable/had-no-time for me! THAT is what caused the break-up: the lie.)
Bottom line: don’t take it all too personally–these people are SELFISH JERKS. And, let’s face it, our fathers were, too, in one way or another, consciously and/or subconsciously.
One last thing: guys out there CLAIM that they don’t want a “high maintenance princess”. BIG LIE. BIG BIG LIE. ALL men want women who get treated with respect, honor, dignity, and smiles, ESPECIALLY by their parents. (Also, not a bad thing if the girl is rich, too! DON’T BELIEVE WHAT MEN SAY. WATCH WHAT THEY DO!)
I have always been down-to-earth and humble, though I have evrything to offer, with friends and everyone else, especialy the men in my life (exes, fathers, husband, etc.). This is what men SAY they want; right: a nice person who treats them well, down to earth, etc…
B.S.!
They want someone who gets treated well, even when she, at times, is a gossipy jerk! If you are the greatest person inthe worlds–the nicest, the smartest, the prettiest, the one with the most goals and brains, etc.–if you are alone and are battling the “nearest and dearest” around you to get treated well, that jerk who originally thought you were so great, what does he see? And how will he treat you, based on what he sees?
Think about it.
Sad, but image is everything.
I am so so so happy that these people are out of my life.
Funny, the EUM I knew is hanging out with people (the women friends of his wife) who he used to HATE. When I hung out with one of these women, the one I am no longer speaking to, it was a bad reflection on me in his eyes! Now he sees this woman ALL THE TIME! How does he live with himself? I hope he enjoys the drama he created. (**newsflash to self: he does!**)
So, sometimes, we “eat” the issue that they have with their own selves, which is what makes them selfish, jerks, cheats, etc., what-have-you.
DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. FROM ANYONE!!
I’ll conserve the majority of my thoughts until part II. However, it is scary how many of us out there who did not have the best relationship with our fathers. And this spans across many nationalities all over the world and it only makes me wonder, where and how did it begin?
Hi Guys,
This was pretty hard for me to read. I had the self realisation about a month ago that I had abdonment issues. It’s confusing though, I guess I always new I did BUT I had no clue I was recreating the abdonment over and over again. Which just kept reaffirming that I was unlovable, something was wrong with me, im doomed to be alone. It’s very hard to see what is really going on because after all you have nothing positive to draw back on if you have always been abandoned; you simply think it has to be you. My last relationship was my aha moments when he left. Luckily for me I was already in counselling and had started to realise my worth. I new id out my whole heart and soul into the relationship, I new id done nothing wrong and with more counselling I finally realised I was picking men who would leave me and recreating that dynamic. Funny all these years I felt so sure I was picking men who were NOT like my father but failed to realise I was still creating the dynamic I had with him.
Each day is hard but im getting better, I have to remind myself when ever that old familiar voice starts up “your unlovable, alone again, doomed to die alone, you have been abandoned again, it must be me, even my parents didn’t love me” I have to stop it dead in its tracks and think logically and remind myself as Nat said, that’s a little girl talking. I’ve had to look at what took place as a young child and women as a mature and wiser women and gain a new and more precise perspective on it. I’ve chosen men with so much baggage, problems that even when they wanted to love me they couldn’t. My relationships have always been high drama; I thought it must be normal? My last relationship started out great, it gave me a taste of what id been looking for all my life and it gives me something to aim for, a new bench mark, to know what it feels like. The bad stuff lead me to resolve things about myself and learn and have a greater understanding of what drives me. It was a very hard experience for me coz the sense of abandonment was on a larger scale because I had a great relationship, the whole family loved me and I was suddenly a part of a new family, doing family things, having somewhere to go for xmas, all those things that make you feel like a freak if you don’t have them in your life like everyone else seemed to. I was also starting a new future as well, all seemed to be exactly what I was looking for, to all be snatched away by someone some emotionally crippled he sabotaged the realtionship. Hopefully with my continued hard work I won’t have to go through the bad stuff again because id learnt my lessons, changed and grown. It’s scary though, sometimes im not sure im strong enough but I push on anyways 🙂
Can’t wait for the rest Nat.
Take care everyone 🙂
Well it definitely does seem that all the research points to this, especially being attracted to someone who is either very similar (and sometimes the opposite) of our opposite sex parent at a very young age.
The good news is no matter where we have been or what we have done – there is hope and a way forward.
We just need to decide when we have had enough then take action to change.
Have you had enough yet?
Great insight into what is the core of many of our fellow sistas out there.My dad was an alcoholic most of my life and my mum was a total codependent so guess who I picked to have the nerve to have a loving relationship with Narcisistic assclowns ,pot smokers and yes one guy who beat the sh..t outta me and I would go back to him i was only 15yrs oldand stayed until 20 yrs old because I too came from a high drama environment so it was normal . For years I yearned for that daddy love I never got I wanted someone to protect me care for me .I did this for years until really lookin at what the hell is goin on one guy even sounded like my dad on the phone he was such a jerk but yet we have to look at our past and take responsibilty if we can connect those dots and look at each guy I’ll be damn their our fathers or mothers some freakin even look like them its a trip Thank you so mush needed this article today was slippin abit but back on track Peace
When I started reading the articles on this site a few months back, I had a suddne realization, my epiphany if you will, that I too was recreating my parent’s relationship dynamic. Emotionally absent father who did not know how to raise children and very dependent mother who kept trying to make him love and validate her. At the time I had said to myself that I would not be like my mother, that if I was in that kind of situation, I would leave the man and not stick around like she did. Guess what? It just dawned on me a couple of months ago that I’ve re-created that situation over and over, about a dozen times now, without knowing it. I just realized that I have proven to myself each time that I *am* differnt form my mom and I *can* leave the EUM. I had never looked at this that way before. So now I’ve learned the lesson and it’s time to move on and find a different kind of relationship, one where I won’t repeat that same pattern. I look forward to your entry on relationship with mothers as well. Thanks Natalie.
I am one of the many women with that same story
thank you so much.
although i didn’t idolize my father (as he left when i was an infant and never returned) i’ve desperately been looking for that validation. the validation that i’m worth it and not just easily left for something/someone else who is “better”.
you’ve really summed up what a lot of us experience. my running joke with my best friends is “do you think on my first date with “tom/bob/whoever” it would inappropriate to ask him if i could call him daddy for the rest of the night!!!! 🙂
seriously though – i struggle with this all the time and it helps to hear a smart, beautiful, confident woman like yourself offer her story.
makes me feel better. the website as a whole does.
thanks so much!
Oh here here!!!!
I am the youngest of four sisters and I was growing up watching how my sisters got abused physically and emotionally. I wasn’t till I reached a certain age, and it made me feel very special, and made me feel that there has to be reason that THEY got abused, and not me, cause I WAS THE GOOD GIRL, as my father used to confirm even.
So I became quite skillfull in wathcing how I could bend and behave to please my father so he would never abandoned me as he did with my sisters.
But I became older and got my own mind, and of course he started treating me as he treated my sisters. I got physically and emotinally and verbally abused, with the comments: “Now you start to be as stupid as your sister” – and worse, what I don’t want to repeat here (very violent talk).
So I started very early with dreaming of becoming an adult and finding a man, I would say at the age of six already. And I made a vow that this man has to be everything but as my father.
Watched out for dark looking man, thought a blond man with blue eyes can’t be the same as my father…all of them 8 to 11 years older, but they all have been the narcistic borderline type, I even tried a younger man, only 2 years older than me – narcist – he was even physical abusing me.
And the last assclown, he was 19 years older than me, and he WAS my father…I mean in every single bit, his whole charisma….
It is a little bit scary to see how I attracted one psychopath after another, though my intentions were all about finding true love…it is scary….I realized, I know now how a healthy relationship has to work, but I am not quite sure if my emotional system “knows” it as well. It’s one thing to understand the topic intellectually, but what about my emotional inprint?
Jen,
I resonate with you on the whole ” does my emotional system” get the situation !
I have always known that I had issues with my father but it took me a while to understand that this had an impact on my dating experiences.
In my case – my father is like “a picture in the wall” – he is physically present but completely emotionally & financially absent – on top of that he is anti-social and hardly speaks. I have been angry at him for a lifetime – my mum has had to fend for the family single handedly since we were babies – he has never even bought a bar of soap but lives (& looks) like a king as he never has to work a day in his life……. he sits on his couch day in – day out thats if he is not sleeping – epitome of laziness. On the other hand my mum is hardworking but “epitome of drama queen” hot tempered, complains every single second about what my dad has put her through but would NEVER consider leaving him. They constantly fight but she agresses – he just keeps quiet. For a long time I took on their problem as my own – mostly defending my mother until I realised I was getting pulled into a problem that was not my own.
I walked away and avoid them like the plague (even though I care for them) as being with them for even one hour sends me reeling in anger. Theres nothing I can do to change them so im going through the long & painful process of acceptance and self discovery.
About the men I attract … in the beginning I attracted men my father’s age – unconsciously looking for a dad in all of them – they would generally be hardworking & successful – but serious emotional issues – and of course MM’s. I vowed out of these and got into a very long term one – hardworking, energetic, successful guy that treated me like crap (without me knowing) and brought out the worst of my “drama queen” characteristics – I struggled to make this relationship work a full 8 year’s but my ex abandoned me without a word ….. (hmmmmm….. being like my mum and never leaving sound familiar?)
1.5 years ago I started dating what looks like the perfect guy – gentleman, gainfuly employed, smart, kind – you name it – I started to think that maybe my inner self is beginning to identify the right guy – until it dawned on me recently he was an exact copy of my dad – completely emotionally & financially absent (doesnt like sharing), hardly speaks, contacts me only once a week, meet only on weekends and in the house, disappears when he senses issues (never wants to face them) ….. currently he has gone quiet on me after I confronted him on an issue with our relationship …..unlike my old self and my mum – I am walking away this time, I have decided that I am willing to work on myself for as long as it will take and not fear being alone because I can never be alone if I am there for myself.
My awareness is high, but I wish there was a pill I could just swallow and resolve all my inner issues – but as with all things – everything is a journey – the first gift is that of awareness – and of course what you do with this awareness ……
NML …. is there a one way ticket to getting out of this? Cant wait for your next post !
So amazing to read this as this has been may journey the past year, that was awakened by being in a relationship with a much older unavailable selfish man. It wasn’t all bad and it forced me to look in the mirror so much I wrote a book. I have been theoretically dating my father for years and for most of my life I felt unloveable and unworthy. I now know that is not true, as my father just isn’t capable and I cannot take that personal. Thank you for writing this as its nice to know one is not alone in their journey, however different. I hope to publish my book one day and when I do I will send it to you as our stories are very similar down to age 3. All the best and I read your blog daily 🙂 xo
Thanks for sharing this Natalie, much appreciated!
My dad’s behaviour showed me that men are unavailable, cheaters and shouldn’t be trusted. That relationships entail confrontation and mistrust. But.. I have refused to be with someone like my father. I mostly chose faithful, present, loving, men who were also very different from him psysically. But still my relationships do not work out after a while.
Add me to the roster of marrying/dating an endless succession of Daddy reproductions. Just the day before yesterday I made this exact confession to someone, that I married my Dad (now my ex-H).
Like Natalie, the other side of the coin was a hyper-critical mother I could never please and who still is seemingly never satisfied with me, and harbored intense resentment at my Daddy worship, thus reinforcing the belief that I wasn’t good enough (brought about with the abandonment the separation/divorce created.)
This line “once the tables were turned and the hot and cold taps were running, my fear of rejection and abandonment had me deviating from the outwardly cool and composed persona that was confident, ambitious, and high energy, to a high drama, little girl that was still looking for her father and petrified of being left and rejected.” is the caption of each failed relationship I’ve ever had.
Thanks once again Natalie for nailing it, and sharing your experiences. This blog has helped me gain more perspective and clarify the adage “No one can love you until you love yourself first.” I can’t wait to read part two!
Natalie,
Thanks for sharing your story with us. Over the past few weeks I’ve been reading your post and let me tell you, it’s been therapy for me. My first boyfriend was an EUM; I realize that now. He was an alcoholic and went hot and cold on me. We fought everyweek. I was always the last thing on his list. I finally broke up with him; I couldn’t stand the fighting and feeling unloved. I had to do the NC. He turned psycho (appeared everywhere I went, fought with me, harrassed my friends to him where I was, etc.) I’m glad our relationship only lasted two years.
My second boyfriend was one of my closest friends. We only lasted one year. He had commitment phobia. He’s never had any other relationship after we broke up. This was five years ago. We remained friends, partly because we were friends in the beginning and partly because I have no romantic feelings for him right now.
My last boyfriend, we lasted almost three years. Thankfully, he was not an EUM. Our relationship was full of problems, though (money, time, personal problems). Sometimes I look back and feel sad that it didn’t work out.
In the last few months, I started liking a coworker. He came to me strong, we used to flirt a lot, talked through messenger, text every once in a while, waited for each other after work, even mentioned going out sometime. After we kissed, he completely backed off. No more waiting for me, no more flirting, everything ended. Did it hurt? A lot, for a full month. I kept blaming myself. I’m glad I found this site. Reading everyone’s posts as well as your blog made me realize that he was really not interested in me.
Also, I started to look at my past. My father loves me, but he didn’t loved my mother. How do I know? Because he told me. He never made time to spend with her, never a kiss, a hug. They divorced when I was a teenager. She was completely devastated; it took her seven years to recover. Through the years I learned that he cheated on women, never had a relationship that lasted, etc. Believe me, he is old now and he is not happy with the way life turned out for him.
I’m really thankful that this blog exists. I’m in my early 30’s and sometimes feel sad that I don’t have a husband or boyfriend. I know there’s someone out there, and that I must pay attention not only to what the man says, but also to his actions. You’re right, Natalie. A man that only talks through messenger or only texts you (never calls), doesn’t make plans to see you on the weekends, never goes out with you after work, is a man that is simply not interested. Sometimes I wonder if he was an EUM, an AC, or simply “not that into you”.
Thanks to everyone whose reading this. Each day I’m feeling better.
jennyana
“I woke up as an adult with no healthy example to draw upon for going out there and forging healthy relationships. Underneath my confidence, strained smile, and my quest to be liked and loved by my peers, was someone who was hugely insecure, didn’t know who the hell she was, and very little self-love. It’s no wonder I headed down a self-destructive path until I got conscious…” Very well said! If that doesn’t define me to a Tee. Thank you for sharing your story!!
I learned several years back when I was going through marraige counsel that my father was physcially and verbally abusive to my mother. I was told I was too young to remember. Ironically I would marry a man equally verbally, emotionally and at times physically abusive without realizing the connection. Additionally, both my grandmothers’ and my mother had affairs, which leads me to believe that both parents were emotionally detached. I spent my whole life seeking validation from my parents. My mother neglected me and my father molested me (and only me he never touched my sisters….makes me think what’s wrong with me?) I was a good student (honorroll every semester in every grade) but never got acknowledged for it. In my teens I became the rebel and even now at 42 I still don’t get the recognition or approval from my mother or siblings (my father passed several years ago). I was told as a child they couldn’t get me to open my mouth, I was so shy and now as an adult with an opinion they wish I’d shut it. That’s the running joke in the fam. So I never had a voice and then when I found my voice I couldn’t express it…no wonder why I sucked down my emotions.
I am the most accomplished in my family…left home at 16, dropped out of high school and now I’m returning to school for my master’s. Even after dropping out of high school I still was the first in the fam to graduate from college at the age of 40. First to move out of the state, first to own a home and still no recognition. I finally got to the point where I stopped seeking validation from them. One day I woke up and realized I have three beautiful children that I managed to raise single handedly AND do a fabulous job so obviously I did something right. That was my Aha moment! They are the one thing I haven’t screwed up. I’m still a work in progress but I’ve finally figured out who I am and I’ve begun to truly love myself in the process.
Hi Natalie, I can understand and totally relate to what you are referring to. I have carried my Dad around subconciously he has been in every relationship I have ever been in. Unfortunately, I had a dad who was and still is somewhat of a “player”. Even when my dad was married he had many different women “friends”. As a teenager I can remember meeting some of these women and thinking what idiots. They think they are the only ones. I vowed that I would never be one of those women….I recognized all the signs. Yet I was fooling myself…my first boyfriend was my dad in so many ways…starting with all the female “friends”.
There is a foundation for everything, my ideals and ideas about relationships were subconciously ingrained early. I have managed to reach my early 30’s and I have never had a healthy relationship. It amazes me stil, but I have started working on deprogramming.
Thank you Natalie and all you lovely people that share yourselves to help us all, I always felt and still do feel like a child in my life and relationships- I didnt know why but I knew it was making me unhappy.
Your story was hard to read but now I realise to a great extent why I need to change and grow up, I hadnt thought it was from my EU father but he was only there as a figurehead not to be emotionally dependent on him and I wanted that and still do.
Still a way to go for me, cant wait for part 2!
Nat, i’ve been reading your blogs for almost a year now,… this has been the most touching post.
It’s amazing how so many of us have our daddy issues in different forms, however all of our experiences have somehow lead us to emotionally unavailable men.
My mom and dad have had the most healthy loving marriage, all of our family friends and relatives, even my co-workers who briefly meet them comment on how loving they are towards eachother. They have great communication, and my dad treats her with so much respect.
The problem is, he was a lousy father – never drank, didn’t physically abuse us, but didn’t know how to show his daughters love. Rather than talk about my accomplishments my dad always brought up my faults – “you’re messy, you have a temper, no guy will put up with you. You have nothing going for you besides your looks, you’ll never amount to anything”
I know alot was said out of anger during arguments, but the comments definitely stuck. My mom would play the middle man and try to defend both of us to each other. I always felt bad for her.
I’ve tried hard to convince myself that he doesn’t know the real me. But i have spent my teens and most of my twenties (im 27) believing I wasn’t worth much, and subconsciously thought – if a great “normal” guy gets to know me, he’ll discover the “real” me (temper, messy, unorganized) me, and leave. So i settled for the EUM’s, AC’s, and walking wounded to boost my confidence. I’ve never been attracted to the nice guy, now that I have taken the time to find myself, do some soul searching, and of course spending time here – i know what it is…. i’ve been looking for my father for so many years, i had no idea.
Now that i have my career, my own place, kicked the AC to the curb 7 months ago… i have felt better about myself. I still try hard to impress him – still secretly wish he would tell me how proud he is of me and everything that i’ve accomplished……. i know he won’t – that’s him. It doesn’t mean i don’t deserve love, I have come to terms with my daddy obsession.
i don’t desperately need him to validate me anymore… and i’m starting to believe that when a great guy gets to know me – messy apartment and all – he’ll love me even more for my flaws.
I want all the women on this sight to know how comforting it is to read their posts… i wish i could meet all of you in person!
Thank you Natalie x
(7 months NC …. did i mention that?) 😉
My Dad is the same” he worships my mother, and, when I was growing up, looked for the faults in me. Never complimented. When the compliments DID come, they came too late.
So when I had bad luck with men, it was “all my fault”–I must have done something wrong to have such bad luck.
My sister, though, who gets worshipped by my parents, especially by my mother, has had pretty much the same type of luck with men. Which my own mother has admitted to.
But this is still not the fault of my family, I come from a patriarchal society, where the women are desperate to seal the deal with men who will provide and who are all too quick to make excuses for men who do wrong! Remember, “take the side of the man and the woman (the girlfriend or wife) looks bad, therefore, more men for me to choose from!”
It’s really disturbing.
Funny thing is, the men who get TOLD that they are being jerks when they ARE being jerks RESPECT the women who tell them so–even if the woman doing the telling is not as ladylike (or pretty, or whatever) as another woman, one who EXPECTS to be treated well b/c she is a lady, pretty, nice, or whatever!
YOU have to call people on their B.S. when they dish it out, people!
Amazing insights Natalie! Keep it up!!!!
Lordy Natalie and all of you, this is our story with minor variations. It’s scary how influential our fathers have been whether they were present, present but really absent, or not around much.
Like many of you my father was alcoholic, EU himself, selfish and impossible in many respects, nevertheless he was there when our Mum left him. She fought for the kids but he had more money, more power, more stability on paper. So he got custody of 2 of the 3 of us and we worshipped him because he ‘fought for us and won’.
Forward 40 plus years, I’ve realised that I have spent my life looking for a better version of my father. When I met the EUM I had a powerful sense of coming home – he is my father’s replica in almost every sense, they even look the same – I thought we were soulmates.
Years of therapy later I realised that he is my father cloned and I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy! Fun, very sexy and charming on a short term basis but poison to your self esteem long term.
I know this but the pull to try to make it alright this time is VERY strong. My head knows what is going on but the reptilian brain is still trying to make it alright at last. I’m staying away from both of them, EUM father and EUM ex as much as possible, but it’s a very primitive drive to want to make it all OK, and hard to overcome.
I know what you mean when you say you felt like you were coming home when you met your EUM. I felt that exact same way! Little did I stop to realize at the time that “home” was not the healthiest place for a relationship!
When I first met my ex-EUM he said he felt like he had known me forever, and I agreed I felt the same way. It makes me realize that, as inexcusable as some of his behavior was, he obviously has his own set of issues. I think that is why I kept dating him, in spite of the red flags. It was because I felt like who was I to judge him for his issues when I had my own? But I realize that is a dangerous, slippery slope, when my compassion for him gets to the point that my self-esteem suffers.
I know I need to work on my own daddy issues, and not get entangled in unhealthy relationships that cloud my judgment, and take the focus off of my emotional health.
Well. So many of you have similar experiences of this: I am fascinated by fathers and am planning a PhD on the subject. I have worked with families for years and fathers are an odd bunch (and mothers, but in a different way). I have a history of being with EUMs, including my ex husband who is a very, very distant parent to our daughters. I had a wonderful father and a terrific, if difficult, mother. Their marriage was rock solid, they were together tiill death. They argued, with each other and their offspring. But, they were in charge and we knew it. They stuck together and resolved their differences in private. They put their family first yet made time for each other (time we were not allowed to interrupt). I have five brothers. They are all blokes (aka idiots) but, they are there for me, whatever happens. They have solid marriages, they are fathers, two are step fathers as well. They are there for their wives and kids and grandchildren, where applicable. I was brought up with, and still know, men who do not run away from truth and conflict, men who can step up to the plate when needed, men who don’t go back on a deal, men who (however neanderthal) look after their women and kids – whilst respecting their women and kids as intelligent, independent beings. I had bad role models, inasmuch as I left home expecting ALL men to be like them. I grew up with the most amazing men and thought ALL men were like them. My father and brothers have done me a grave disservice, it seems. I got involved with men who I believed could be like my role models if they were only given the chance, if they just had a strong clearminded woman to validate them. I listened to their tales of being with women who suffocated them, emasculated them, didn’t understand them, fleeced them etc etc. I thought it was the right thing to speak up, express myself, be my own woman, stand up for myself and also to let them be who they are, too. As a result, I have been punished soooo many times in life (at work as well as home) for being direct, forthright, honest, and tough. I don’t know what this means. I am not denying the experience of so many people, including Natalie, on this site. But it seems I have more in common with Drica. I have certain expectations of men and they can’t meet them. Not – I am the one who is wrong; TOO MANY men can’t get it right. My only sister married a man like my father and brothers.
My father died in 1996. He is with me every day; he still guides me through the hard times and smiles at the good times. I hear his voice, see his face whenever I want. But, I am not sad, nor do I miss him. I loved him and know he loved me. I regret my daughters will not be able to say that of their father.
I come from the same exact background, but from a very patriarchal society where the men’s bad behavior is almost always excused/justified and the men get smoke blown up their bums all the time!
Funny, the ONE time I didn’t speak up as I normally do, the ONE time I kept quiet, I was doing the same thing you were: I wanted The Influence of Me, a good woman in the EUM’s life, to make a difference. I gave the benefit of the doubt, etc. And to a man who, at heart, respected good women. What did he do all the while? Dream about his ex, who always told him off (as she should have!), but who SLEPT WITH HIM, taboo/forbidden in our society.
Made me feel horrible, question myself, my beliefs, and my culture, to say the least.
Anyways, yes, it is hard growing up the way you did. My dad’s only crime was that he wasn’t around. He was a workaholic. But otherwise an excellent father and role model.
You know I can relate 1000% with most of the post here. My father, once again, an alcoholic and abuser to my mother. And you know how the story goes. I get to be attracted and I attract EUM’s and AC’s. I am sooo tired of it I want to vomit. I feel like karma is playing the wrong game on me. I am the one being punished while the EUM and ACS are in very proper relationships with other women. I just cant understand it.
No matter how good and right I am with guys, they tend to show their evil side. It just happened to me today. I was supposed to go on a date with a guy today. We even talked over the phone while I was getting ready and he said: ” well its too late now” Meaning we were not going to meet up. Then another guy told me: : I am going to call you tonight” He never did.
Is there anything wrong with me or the whole world is against me?
My whole relationship life has been a mess and I dont know what to make out of it.
Anybody has experience this? I am so tired and sad 🙁
ME, I completely understand!!! I don’t know if this helps at all, but you are SO not alone… my girlfriends and I always marvel at the fact that every single guy we meet seems to be completely flakey, disinterested, commitment-phobic and just plain rude. And we all feel like — we are GOOD people, what did we do to deserve all of these karmic slaps in the face while other people seem to have no problem finding good guys?
But after reading this site for over a year now, I think I’m finally starting to put the pieces together and figure some things out, and I think the biggest thing is what Natalie says about setting boundaries, and the fact that the universe will keep sending you lessons until you learn them. Meaning… maybe all of these losers who keep cycling through our lives are meant to show us that we DON’T understand yet, and are still putting up with bad behavior.
I have recently decided to cut contact with any and all guys who show signs of being flaky, non-comittal, etc… and believe me I have eliminated MANY people from my life. It has been difficult, since many of them have been around for awhile and have been a convenient ego stroke for me (she-EUM, anyone??), but it’s really hitting home for me that maybe that is why there is not enough room in my life for the good guys – it is too filled up with “filler” guys who will never commit, but yet keep hanging around!
I highly recommend practicing saying NO to anyone who cancels dates last-minute, doesn’t call when he says he will, or anything that gives you that pit-in-your-stomach feeling of “something is off here.” Yes it will be hard, and you will feel like you are passing on many guys, but seriously I have felt so much better eliminating this flaky behavior from my life. And if they try to get in touch again, you should be honest with them – “I’m sorry, I don’t go out with guys who cancel at the last minute” and just see what they say. If they ARE worth it, they will attempt to make amends. If they give you a line of BS, you will know they were never worth it to begin with.
I don’t know… I’m still in the early phases of trying out honesty and cutting contact, rather than making excuses and hoping for the best. But it seems to be doing great things for my sense of self-esteem, and also I am feeling much less obsessed and upset about “why are they doing this to me”? They can choose to behave however they want… but so can I! It is a wonderful thing:)
Actually it feels good to hear I am not alone in this. Thanks for your words. I also liked NML quote you mentioned: “the universe will keep sending you lessons until you learn them”. It is true, perhaps there are unresolved issues I am *still* not aware of that keeps me attracting EUM and AC’s. I, like you, been reading NML for a littler over a year and I am *still* a work in progress. Always learning and applying the new principals to my dating life but lately it’s been one bad thing after another its so tiring and depressing. I honestly don’t know what to make out of it.
And believe me, over the past year I have also cut people, EUM, AC’s and even friends who are definitely not aligned to my morals and values anymore, they never were but I was not aware of this until I discovered NML. Like you mentioned, I think this is the hardest part of change, letting those rotten apples go. You still care and have feelings for them but they simply don’t match up your new system. And guess what, after I cut them off for very good reasons they still haven’t tried to contact me or make things right.
How about that? They were not genuine friendships after all!! I just realized that.
I just hope I keep the strength and not give up and settle for garbage. Does doing the right thing ever gets any easier?
Thanks again!
Add me to the list of women who can relate. Currently in counseling and trying one antidepressant after another to find one that works with my body chemistry after this last recent encounter with the Mr. EUM who I’ve been wrestling with for 2 years now. I truly am my own worst enemy where he is concerned. Contact is completely finished now, as I realize it must be if I am ever to be strong again. Right now, I am an emotional mess. My counselor says I never really learned how to be emotionally mature because my father was absent, critical, and a fulltime cheat to my mother……I, too, learned that relationships were pain and drama, therefore, I’ve never really learned to emotionally mature. Hard to hear, but I know my counselor is dead on. So, at 37 years old, I have to start “maturing”. I don’t even know where to start, but what’s scary is knowing that if I don’t do it now, this pain will be the rest of my life. Seems impossible to relearn thought processes after practicing unhealthy ones for so long, but I have no other choice but to believe that it IS possible………
It’s never too late to grow up ! While involved with the EUM I regressed, big time. So I learned that it’s never too late to grow up… again. And I am over 50.
Someone mentioned the wisdom of buddhist nun Pema Chodron. I carried a book of hers for years, knowing there was something in there, but never being able to get far with it. After 5 or 6 years of knowing the EUM I sat down and read it in a day. My discomfort within finally made me start to take a look at some hard stuff.
The way I understand her main message is to accept where you are as your starting point. Be sure to have patience and compassion with yourself and realize that your life is always a work in progress. You never reach a point where you say aha, enlightement, done now. We are human, and sometimes our emotional sides take over to our detriment. But, noticing this and facing it is what growth and maturity are all about. I think it is only healthy to assume you, and your relationships with others will grow and mature your whole life.
But, we see on this site that not everyone looks at life this way. I have found that if someone is not willing to work with the difficult issues presented, the relationship will stay on a certain level that is often unsatisfying to me.
I think it’s best to accept that life is a journey and sometimes the road gets rough. sometimes you sit down and go nowhere, sometimes you are lost, sometimes you find a great place. Just be good to and patient with yourself wherever you are.
Yes, Aphrogirl. As one over – 50 learner to another, I have to say I agree with you. Whatever has brought us to the place we are in we remain in the place we are in. Some of us had brilliant role models, some of us crap ones (whether mother or father or both); some of us have a lifetime of relationship problems, some of us only a one-off. Whatever. The bottom line is YOU. Working out the part YOU have to play in your relationships is the only thing that works. Buddhism encourages good selfishness. Good selfishness requires compassion and patience as well as the willingness to go inward and examine the only thing in life you can really say you know is the truth. The truth of your experience and how it feels. That’s why knowing You and Your boundaries and what makes You feel uncomfortable/afraid/needy/angry/used/valued etc etc etc is so important. Don’t give up on You, give up on those who don’t respect You. Which includes the part of You that doesn’t respect You. We can recognise, even blame, someone else for our shortcomings or vulnerabilities but, as adults, we have to parent the child in us and get grown up.
Great courage on your part, Natalie, to share this story with us. My question is directly related to your statement “woke up as an adult with no healthy example to draw upon for going out there and forging healthy relationships” Have had my awakening several times, but with no healthy examples on how to forge healthy realtionships, how do I do this successfully? I can now recognize an EU or AC and how my behavior goes back to my father/mother relationships, etc. but where do I go to look for positive examples to follow without falling back into bad habits.
Hi Nat….
I just want to thank you for your ebooks. I have a daughter with my Mr. Unavailable. We were married and divorced and share custody of our almost 5 yr old daughter. I was able to say no to him and stick to it for the first time in 7 years. I am nearing the point of no contact past the longest point of no contact ever. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I thought that I was crazy. Everything you have written about him and me is dead on and I refer to your books regulary for reminders. I don’t know how to ever thank you enough. Keep on helping the women out there who so desperately need to understand themselves, their roots and the men we claim to love. Healing can happen if we really want it to.
Hello Natalie,
What you’d just written here about your relationship with your Father is very similar to my relationship with my Father. I adored the man. I love him so much even after he’d passed away last year, which brought me to my knees. Nothing and I mean, nothing has ever brought me to that point until I’d heard the words, “he’s gone”. I am a very strong woman in nature, I have battled it out with a room full of men, I’ve been a single mother raised a child single-handidly while raising my siblings, working and going to school, but my Dad’s passing brought me to my knees. Even as I am typing this, tears are rolling down my face because I still love him so deeply.
I also understand about the “Daddy hunting”, I married a man who is 16 years my senior. Only after my divorce at a very young age, before 25 did I realize why I chose my ex-husband.
Men and women doesn’t realize what effect they have on their children and how much we hear and see our parents. I love my Father, and I say that in the present tense. I still love him, but now that I’ve grown and realized, he has caused me so much emotional pain, I have come to accept the man for who he is. But I still love him.
I have also realized how I choose men because of my relationship with my Father, and I am conscientious about my actions and choices. I think that as long as a person’s aware of what they’re doing, why they’re doing, they will be okay and make the change.
Thank you again for such an insightful post.
Sherry
Natalie, we HAVE to be related. The story of your parents – narcissistic mother, dad who was (for the most part) driven away by mother and forced to cut off our very close relationship, marriage & separation & divorce at very early ages, my shutting down when dad left me before age 3, etc. etc. etc…..
We HAVE to be related. That’s how I’ll rationalize this in my mind. 😐
(But really, on a serious note, your story = my story.)
I avoided this article because I already knew you were right. My “daddy issues” have recently became resolved – if you can say that. But mine wasn’t a happy ending. I had to disown my father due to his heavy drug use. We never had a relationship anyway and I only saw him a handful of times in my life. But in return I gained two loving father figures in my life (my ex-inlaws father and a past wonderful step father came back into my life) so it really helped me feel things were “resolved” with my father, even though it didn’t turn out with him wising up to be my “hero”. I finally came to read your article which validated for me that I was indeed ready to accept my father for who is (but I cannot have him in my life this way), that there is nothing wrong with me and start enjoying my life. Thank you for writing this.
omg your me in so many ways I’m an adult who wants her childhood back so that i can be a child instead of a child parenting one of her parents so when I get into relationships I seek to get validated and looked after. I need to reach the place where I too can make peace with my past relationships with them as i was so used to being angry it felt like the norm and my mother invalidated my feelings so I just smiled and got on with it being numb from the neck down)
Now me and neither or my parents are on speaking terms (my choice i just need to figure out who I am without them)
thank you for sharing your story
We must be twins. I am starting to see how my past men are just like my dad, EU. And the thought creeps me out when I realize this. So now that I’m seeing reality, what’s the next step? I broke up with the guy. I’m not interested in dating. I’m focusing on healing me. How do I stop the pattern if I am programmed to look for an assclown?