Mr Unavailable Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 76: Curtailing Happiness?, Over-Apologising, Should I Tell Him He’s Avoidant?

February 17, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 76, I cover:

Waiting for the other happiness shoe to drop: I talk about why sometimes after being very impacted by something and struggling to recover, we can feel as if the happier we allow ourselves to be, the harder we will fall, and so we curtail our happiness as a self-protective measure.

Link mentioned

I’m Still Standing, You’re Still Standing

Over-apologising: Find yourself almost apologising for breathing or apologising even when you haven’t done anything wrong? I talk about why we have this people pleasing habit, why it’s demoralising, and how to start kicking the habit.

Transformative love: I talk about the couple of questions that we can ask ourselves about whether how we love is transforming us in a positive or negative way.

Listener Question: Should I contact him and try to tell him that he is worthy of love and avoidant?

What I Learned This Week: I’m learning that life takes things out of your hands and forces you to slow down or take a break and about how stepping back a bit gets you more energised.

Course mentioned at the end

The Breakthrough is now open for registration

Listen to the podcast episode below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. Got a topic you’d love me to cover? Let me know!

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

Advice Wednesday: Should I Worry About His Reluctance To Label Our Relationship?

July 27, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Lauren asks: I have been seeing a guy for around 4/5 months and the other night he brought it up and we had “the talk” and he expressed how he doesn’t want to put a label on it out of fear it might change and if it happens it will happen naturally. He’s also come out of a difficult relationship as I did before we met each other. Do you think I should be worried? I’m insecure because of being treated badly and cheated on for 6 years and now I am a bit of a mess! He’s lovely to me and I think I just need to chill I think, but its hard to stop my overthinking and expecting every guy to be like my ex and hurt me! Help.

There’s something here that you’re both reflecting to back to each other—both of you are still hurting/affected by your previous partners and have trust issues. This doesn’t mean that either of you are in love with and want to get back together with your exes but whichever way you slice it, neither of you are over your exes where you have the confidence to lean into your relationship. You’re both still angry with your exes and to some degree angry with yourselves—neither of you are in the place where you can choose better boundaries and presentness as a way of moving on from the previous involvements.

This tells you that you’re each coming from similar levels of emotional availability hence why things have been workable so far.

Now, a few months in, he has broached “the talk” because he needs to manage your expectations.

This turn of events does not have to spell doom for your relationship but it is a wake-up call to 1) get grounded and 2) address the root cause of your respective issues.

Each of you not only have a duty of care to yourselves but also to each other—if you are both going to pursue this relationship in spite of your respective past hurts that you’re both grappling with, you each need to be extra vigilant about taking responsibility for ensuring that you differentiate between the past and the present and that you don’t put it on each other to clean up the mess left by your exes.

This means that he can’t expect you to be extra easy to compensate for him having been in a difficult relationship and that you can’t rely on him to reassure you against doubts that are springing from insecurities related to your ex.

You also need to figure out what you want because yes, he is “lovely to [you]” but if you don’t want to be in something ambiguous that he’s reticent about putting a ‘label’ on because he on some level believes that all relationships go belly up the moment that each party commits to something, it’s only going to be a matter of time before things become “difficult”. Speaking of which, as his reasons for not wanting to label things are based on his ex, it’s also important that you know what “difficult” refers to—it’s a sign of availability for a relationship whether a person understands why their relationship broke down (so that it doesn’t keep showing up in your relationship if it’s a recurring issue).

All relationships change—sure, there are some that regress, go in fits and starts, or come to a halt, but there are plenty of relationships that grow. Things will not happen “naturally” if one party has gone out of their way to put the brakes on things.

He is offering you a relationship without purpose or direction and after settling for your ex, I would tread very carefully about what you settle for in this relationship. This doesn’t mean that this guy is similar to your ex–only you know whether you’ve chosen differently–but unless you are also not ready to be in a relationship, don’t settle for not being in one.

If this relationship doesn’t work out, it won’t be because it was labelled or you weren’t pleasing or good enough but because the relationship wasn’t right for the both of you. His relationship didn’t break down because a label was put on it so he needs to get to a more honest place so that he can heal and move forward. If the relationship does continue, he’s got to be OK with normality and navigating life’s bumps together rather than wanting to take a parachute and jump when he thinks that it’s ‘changing’.

You need to address your own pain over your past relationship. Being treated badly and cheated on for a few weeks or months never mind 6 years, significantly affects a person. Instead of being insecure because on some level you still blame yourself for his treatment, it would be better to invest your time and energies into understanding what got you into that relationship and what kept you in it. When you can recognise the baggage behind that decision, you can make peace with you knowing that you won’t be using the same thinking and habits going forward. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship but needing one at any cost including being willing to marginalise your needs, is a fast track to pain. If you “chill” with this guy, it has to be on the merit of your relationship with him and from an autonomous choice, not from a place of insecurity and on some level feeling coerced into it.

Be honest with yourself: Are you devoting a lot of your time and energies into pleasing him? Do you feel anxious when you’re not people pleasing? This is a sign of codependency. Spend time with a therapist (or your chosen mode of support) to figure out where you end and he (or others) begin.

I would also get clear on what “lovely” means because—and I’m not saying that he’s not as lovely as you say he is—things get put out of context when you’ve been involved with someone like your ex. It’s like eating a cracker in the desert after being starved for 6 months. Write it all down so that you have a true and honest picture of what you feel invested in.

Take things slow, keep a Feelings Diary so that you can decipher what you’re feeling and tune in to your inner voice instead of your inner critic and other ego noise that might try to convince you out of your feelings and needs. Keep it real with him (don’t pussyfoot around him), and do keep up an open dialogue. This might be a situation that you can both be OK with for a couple of months or so while you each get yourselves sorted out but if he’s still trying to sell you an unlabelled relationship in the medium to long term, it’s time to walk away, fast. He’s within his rights not to want to commit to anything but you’re also within your rights to decide that that’s not something you want to be a part of. You deserve love, care, trust, respect, and possibilities.

Have you been in a ‘go with the flow’ relationship? What did you do? How worried would you be if you were in this situation?

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Podcast Ep. 33: Personality vs Character, Feeling Over-Responsible, One-Night Stand ‘Hat’

June 24, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 33, I cover:

Personality versus character: There’s a big difference between the two and particularly in dating where we’re going to encounter personality before we really see character, we need to be discerning and ensure that we don’t jump to conclusions about what people with a certain type of personality will be like.

Being over-responsible: So many in the BR ‘tribe’ (I must settle on a name for our gang!) have assumed or been given way too much responsibility from a very young age. This habit affects our adult relationships as well as what we feel obliged to be and do, plus it leads to procrastination and trying to get others to be responsible for us [because we’re bloody exhausted!]

Some people won’t see it: I explain why burning up your time, energy and emotions pursuing someone who has done you wrong to ‘finally’ see things in the way that you do or to apologise or explain, is going to drain you out and that if you can acknowledge it, you can learn to accept that apology you never got and move on with increased awareness.

Listener Question: We had great dates including being introduced to his friends yet he’s gone silent–what should I do? This week’s listener started off dating with a view to finding a relationship, then relegated the date to one-night stand but then had more dates and has developed feelings, and now he’s not in touch. I offer some advice on what to do and explain why she needs to work out her priorities and decide if she has her one-night stand hat on or her relationship one.

What I Learned This Week: I made an important visit this week that reminded me that not everything is about me (or any of us) and that when we blame ourselves for where loved ones won’t step up and are self-destructive, we’re not seeing that there’s something in their journey that we’re not necessarily privy to that is driving their behaviour.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

If you love the podcast and you listen via iTunes, I’d love if you could leave a review as it helps to spread the word about the podcast. And tell your friends–it all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Advice Wednesday #5: My Ex & I Are Very Close (Includes Nude Sleepovers)–Why Does He Sleep With Everyone But Me?

February 24, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

The tricky situation: Kim asks, I pined for a Mr Unavailable for months whilst he let me believe that we were essentially together–same song, different tune, I know. Fast forward–after things reached a breaking point, we agreed to be friends. So, I worked on me and realised that he was an emotional disaster in the first place and not a good match for me anyway, but we have stayed really good friends.

We see each other every day, we talk on the phone multiple times a day, and we have both met our respective families and friends. We easily sleep in the same bed (mostly naked, without sex), and I know almost everything there is to know about him. We live in each others back pockets, and any time we have argued he makes himself sick with worry over losing me from his life (I seldom anger unless there is a very critical issue on the table).

Anyway, we have all these good things between us, but it is still hard for me to feel so rejected and overlooked. I guess I feel kind of ugly because he will sleep with practically anyone at all except for me and we have connected on so many levels but he can’t see his way through to anything romantic. I have held it together thus far, and he really is a close friend, but I keep doubting myself and wondering why this man values me in every other way except romantically. It’s really hard, and I am afraid that I cannot continue at this pace. Am I doing the wrong thing by keeping him in my life? It doesn’t seem fair to punish a person because they do not view me romantically…I have been at the receiving end of that dynamic for most of my life. I don’t know what to think or what to do. Is there any way you can shed a bit of light on what my next steps should be?

********************

In the words of Whoopi Goldberg’s character Oda Mae Brown in Ghost, “Kim, you in danger girl”. Your ‘friend’ is, as we say here in England mugging you off. Imagine you purchased a car from me and discovered that it was faulty and not as described, and I said, “Kim, I’ve been an assclown. I’d hate to lose you. I’ll make things right–I’ll replace it”. You and I hang out in it daily–sometimes we drive around naked without touching, and sometimes you park up while I mess with other women. I keep telling you how I’d hate to lose you and even though the car is playing up, you keep pushing down your concerns and your annoyance. Eventually you realise that I’ve done a superficial fix of the old car and spray-painted it a different colour and called it ‘new’.

You’re also screwing you over.

He’s enjoying all the fringe benefits of a romantic relationship minus the sex while he gets to go and throw his willy about elsewhere. You don’t think that some of the other members in his harem are wondering why he only sleeps with them but you everything else? This guy has it made! He’s play-acting at a relationship and playing you all off against each other.

The truth is, you know what’s going on here but you’re pretending that you don’t and attacking your self-worth. This is denial paraded as naivety.

He’s bang out of order but until you own your part, you’ll be playing Girl Who Doesn’t Have A Clue, while feeling as if this is something he’s doing to you. This is a painful situation… in which you’re an active participant. You have a choice in setting the boundary lines of your friendship and if you’re 100% honest, you’ll see that you’ve seconded yourself to this ‘friendship’ in the hopes of eventually taking up a title relationship where you are The Good Girl Who Made Mr Unavailable Change His Ways. This is not a friendship.

You’re taking what you’re doing to you and calling it his behaviour.

How can they keep doing what they know will hurt us?

December 28, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

They keep hurting us because we're still open to the possibility that they won't while neglecting to be open to the reality that they will. Some of us find it really hard to imagine hurting someone and if we were to find ourselves in this unimaginable position, we’d feel terrible about it. It would play on our mind, we’d be desperate to express remorse, to begin to make amends, to show how what has occurred isn’t a character defect but some ill-chosen words or actions on our part that we feel terribly regretful about. This is why it’s utterly baffling to us when we have shown kindness, decency, love, compassion, tolerance and more for somebody, that they wouldn’t think twice about doing the very things that they know causes us pain. It beggars belief that they would re-enter our life after the last round of pain, with the same or even worse intentions than the last time. It’s like, Aren’t I worth a genuine, thought-out explanation? Where’s your conscience? When exactly are you going to feel enough remorse that you’d either be a better person or at least jog along and spare me any further pain?

We imagine that if someone knew that we were in love with them and that we wanted commitment and basically more than the crumbs that they offered before, that if they came back, it’s because they’re ready to come good. I mean, come on now– why are you here inviting me out, hounding me with texts, talking about moving in or how no one makes you feel like I do, if all you’re going to do is turn me inside out with pain?

We imagine that someone who has repeatedly disappointed us thinks, OK, I need to leave him/her alone. I can’t keep hurting this person.

We struggle to imagine why our feelings are used as a weapon against us.

There’s a certain type of person out there that mistakes the niceness that we pride ourselves on and yes, even our fear of confrontation and our desire to see the best in people, for a vulnerability to be exploited. They spot that we want to please, that maybe we’re a little (or a lot) unsure of ourselves, that we’ll be like a puppy kicked across the room if we sense criticism never mind experience it, and that we’re also missing a level of validation. They know that we want to be loved and they take us for granted.

When you consciously want a relationship but subconsciously feel bad about you & relationships, it’s a recipe for unavailability

December 7, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

For a long time, I blamed bad luck, not exactly having any examples of healthy relationships, and the parade of men that I’d dated or gone out with, for why I couldn’t sustain a relationship and why they were always unhealthy. Deep down I felt that all of my experiences confirmed that I truly was “worthless and good for nothing”. I had little sense of self and it was as if I was engulfed in this chasm of cyclical pain due to abandonment, shame, anger and loss. I could never forge anything too deep in case I got ‘found out’ but also because life had taught me that people hurt you, people go away, and that the moment you ever relax, something goes wrong.

My frustrations caused me to frequently ponder if I had a homing device implanted that was sending out signals to emotionally unavailable men, typically ones with mother issues, but what I never really asked myself was: If I believe all of this stuff about myself, love and relationships, how is this playing out in my life? I never gave any deep thought to the connection between what I’d observed and learned early in life and how I was thinking, acting and choosing in the present.

Calling out a Mr Unavailable on his ambivalence gave me a lightbulb moment that sparked a powerful awakening:

I was and am the common denominator to all of my experiences. I am the only person who shows up to every scene and act plus each and every one of these relationships reflect how I felt about me at the time and also what I thought relationships were about. If I truly wanted to feel better and enjoy healthier relationships, I had to be honest with myself in a straight no chaser way. I had to take responsibility for me otherwise, what hope did I have if my life was going to rest on external factors? If I keep putting it on everything and everyone else to change, I am never going to account for my part no matter how small.

Sure, these guys had their issues but what was I bringing to the table that I might actually think that an unavailable relationship was a viable option?

You see— one of the things I’ve noticed is that our past provides a great deal of insight into why we’re repeatedly finding ourselves in variations of the same situation, and because of the lessons and beliefs that we’ve inferred from certain experiences, we are making choices based around those beliefs.

We say that we want certain things but the result is very different. What we don’t always acknowledge are the thoughts and actions that occur between these.

About that time when I found out that a friend is dating an ex from Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl…

August 10, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

A few months back, I reunited with an old school friend and we got talking about her love life. As she recounted her experiences with a Mr Unavailable, something said to ask who he was (the ‘ole spidey senses were up) and lo and behold, it was an ex from almost nineteen years ago who I dated– and I use that term very loosely– on and off for four years, that I mention in my book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Charming, handsome, educated and emotionally delicate (I didn’t look for much back then), he gave good date and for a few hours, we’d share amazing chemistry… and then it would be tumbleweeds for a few weeks or even months.

My mental Roladex of associations and reasoning habits (beliefs) meant that I didn’t hesitate to to blame me for it. After initially agonising over what I could possibly have said or done to scare him off, I reached the conclusion that I always did– there was something wrong with me. A lifetime’s experience of my father flaking out and it meant that I was dazzled by the validation of being reached out to again and at the same time afraid of rocking the boat by questioning his absence. Best to be the good little girl who doesn’t make others feel uncomfortable. My inner voice would try to get me to hear, “Natalie! Would you tell this feckin’ guy to jog on?” but if he called, I answered. I wanted to win. I wanted the tension of not knowing what the hell was going on in his mind to disappear. I never called him; I was summoned. It wasn’t a booty call arrangement as sleeping together didn’t even come into the equation for a couple of years. Of course I wondered what was wrong with me about that too.

We worked around the corner from each other at weekends and I ensured that we didn’t cross paths. It was as if there couldn’t be an unexpected meeting, like when kids start school and then see one of their classmates outside of the normal setting and they act like strangers or freak out. Maybe he was a vampire as we only ever saw each other in the evening. In that funny way that the universe delivers, I only ever heard from him when I was in between relationships or at a loose end and hungry for attention and validation. I used to walk by his workplace and practically sprint past. What if he saw me and either melted into the ground in Mr Unavailable panic, or he rejected me?

Things came to their natural end when I headed off to the U.S. and then moved over to London where I continued to rack up quite an identity parade of Mr Unavailables. One weekend when I was back home in Dublin, I bumped into his friend. He had the brass nuts to chastise me for hurting him by not wanting a relationship– what the what now? A relationship had been on offer? Apparently I only wanted to date black guys. Total bullshit. That conversation never happened. I was fuming. Here was yet another guy blaming their crap on something to do with race. Amazing chemistry my arse. In that moment I could see that it had always been all about him bleating his One Time in Bandcamp tales of woe and me blowing smoke up his bottom about how amazing he was. I would have noticed this if I hadn’t been so busy living out some warped remake of when I used to be daddy’s little girl who finally got to see him.

The Long Shot Mentality – Are you setting yourself faux goals?

December 7, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

The question of why one would get tangled in a fantasy relationship or persist in being in unavailable relationships, is something that perplexes many BR readers. When I wrote about You Can Be In Love On Your Own…But a Mutual Relationship Takes Two, the comments and my inbox filled up, because so many of you feel like you have put so much of your energy, heart and soul into these situations that it’s hard to reconcile your actions with the fact that there’s an element or even a lot of fantasy involved.

If you’ve ever been in an unavailable relationship, including fantasy, you have a long shot mentality. It’s likely that you’d struggle to admit it, but your choices are being dictated by not only a desire to remain in your uncomfortable comfort zone, but also by a fear of failing at relationships, fear of risking yourself so much that it would hurt, and fear of being absolute and committing.

So instead, you cater to your beliefs and the self-fulfilling prophecy and opt into situations that really only have an outside chance of working out – you’ll know immediately if you’ve done this if you 1) bet on potential or 2) have essentially required them to make you the exception to their rule of non-commital or shady behaviour.

It would be the equivalent of basically getting love against the odds.

In a fantasy relationship, it can’t ‘fail fail’ because it’s not real which means you’re not responsible or accountable and you’re let off the hook from having to actually put yourself out there and invest your efforts into a full fledged relationship.

With an affair, it can’t ‘fail fail’ because even though you’re very invested and are likely hoping or even wheedling and begging them to leave, you can’t fail at a relationship that hasn’t actually started. It hasn’t. Your focus is directed at the fantasy of them leaving where you imagine what life would be like if you were both together, but this doesn’t become real which means you don’t have the responsibility and accountability that comes with a full time, committed relationship.

Dating Reflections of Your Mother and Father (Incls free unsent letter workbook)

July 30, 2010 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

So over the past few posts I’ve been talking about how we often date reflections of our fathers and mothers when we have unhealthy love habits that have us being involved with unavailable people who offer the least likely prospect of a committed relationship and people who seek to take advantage and abuse our boundaries, assclowns. In part four I covered off four big things that I’ve learned through my own personal experiences that help you gain perspective and move on. In the penultimate post in the series, I focus on two big subjects and at the end of the post there’s details on how to get your free The Unsent Letter Guide.

6. We have to grow up. I had to stop being the five year old that couldn’t comprehend her father not visiting the hospital or in later years, just not being around, or disappointing me. I had to stop being nervous of my mother, put up some boundaries, and stop being a teenager scared of being criticised and at the same time seeking validation and approval – that confirmation that I was loveable and doing things ‘right’ at last.

I went back to university when I was 23. I wanted to prove that I could do a degree, that I was the good and loveable daughter my mother wanted and not a disappointment or a failure. I finished my degree and waited for the amazing feeling to arrive and the sense of accomplishment. My mum uttered words that I’d wanted to hear for so long – she was proud of me and coupled with declarations of love, I should have been skipping around with validation joy. Instead, I felt nothing.

The fact that I felt nothing only made me feel worse. I was so angry with myself initially because I really wanted this ‘feeling’. One day it suddenly occurred to me that the reason why I didn’t feel anything was because not only had I done the degree for the wrong reasons, but it turned out, I no longer needed or wanted the approval and validation I’d yearned for – I had to validate and approve myself.

If you’re trapped in a cycle with your mother or father, one of the primary means of getting out of it is growing yourself up. That’s nurturing that child within you but at the same time pulling it into the present day so that you can own your experience, claim your power back.

Often in my adult interactions with my parents, I haven’t been my actual adult age and instead I’ve become a nervous teenager. In speaking with various readers, they were all the same too becoming moody, petulant teenagers, fawning five year olds, or having screaming rows that reduced them to feeling like they were having a tantrum.

I’ve said it many times – if we want a situation to change, it’s our own change we have to deal with because we cannot control other people. I’ve drawn the conclusion that my mother has been ‘her way’ for 53 years – if she’s comfy that way and happy with the results, I’m not going to ride her ass like Zorro and ask her to step out of her comfort zone. Likewise my father can get all nostalgic about when I was a little girl that literally hung off his coat tails in admiration.

However, my reality is different and I’m not comfortable playing roles that they’re comfortable with me playing so I’m going to be me and if our relationship can evolve out of that, great (it has with my dad), but if me having boundaries doesn’t work for them, I’m OK with continuing to raise my adult self without them around me.

Hold up your end of things by making sure that you don’t make it any easier for them by playing the role and acting like a child.

We’re all too old to have the level of expectation that we do from either of our parents. We can’t get that time back and quite frankly, much like when you try to tell a Mr Unavailable or assclown the who, what, where, when and why’s of where you’re at and what you think, you are wasting time – you could talk till you’re blue in the face but people see and hear whatever the hell they want to see and hear. Stop trying to control people’s opinion of you – they should be more worried about your opinion of them.

Dating Reflections of Our Mothers Part 4 – Starting To Get Perspective

July 27, 2010 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

In parts one and two, I’ve been talking about how we often date reflections of our father creating unrealistic expectations as we try to fill the void created by the dysfunction that we may have experienced, and in part three, I got onto the tricky subject of dating reflections of our mothers, something that resonates with a lot of women. Whether it’s we they end up with people reflecting our mother’s characteristics or the ideas and beliefs that she passed down, they have a far reaching impact.

It will be no surprise that the things that we can experience with our fathers are all things that we can experience with our mothers, although they can take on a different slant. Why? Because we arrive onto this earth automatically dependent on our mothers. It can feel very odd, near painful not to be able to depend upon her and it can feel devastating if you feel unloved, unwanted, or even hated, which will cause you to spend a lot of time seeking validation and attention. We’re taught to expect to be loved by our mothers and there’s this cosy, rosy image of what being parented should be like – when we’re not experiencing what ‘everyone-else’ is experiencing, i.e. the norm, we wonder what the hell is wrong with us.

In part two I talked about various things that our fathers may have done that created the wrong message and affected our self-esteem. You can take that list and substitute mother in there plus:

Your mother abandoned you or was fond of disappearing acts. Being given up for adoption, for example, while for some may feel like it was an act of care, for others may feel like a start in life of rejection.

Your mother may have taught you to feel bad about loving your father or to even be ashamed of your background.

Your mother was/is a drama queen invalidating everyone’s feelings around her, creating havoc, conflict, and misery, but never being accountable for her own actions. She teaches those around her not to voice their feelings.

Your mother may have put her love-life as her main priority, choosing men over you, and maybe even standing by as they mistreated you. She may have abandoned you every time a new guy came into her life.

Your mother may have been jealous of you so it may have felt like she treated you like an enemy or a love rival.

Your mother may have been near obsessed with what she thought you were and weren’t doing, especially around sex. Even when her accusations weren’t true, she made them sound like the truth. Next thing you know, you’re supposed to be sleeping with the whole village, hitting on her man, trying to rob her, or trying to kill her.

Your mother may have critiqued the crap out of you making it clear that you were not measuring up.

Dating Reflections of Your Mother P3

July 25, 2010 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Over the past couple of posts I’ve been explaining how and why we can end up dating reflections of our fathers (also part two). We can essentially end up carrying around an image of the type of father we wanted and look for men to meet those needs which in itself creates unrealistic expectations especially when they’re directed at people who reflect our negative beliefs and who are by their own natures unlikely to deliver a healthy relationship – Mr Unavailables and assclowns.

Naturally if we can find ourselves learning unhealthy ideas about relationships, love, and ourselves from our fathers, we can certainly learn them from our mothers too and this is what I want to talk about in part three.

Not only can we end up dating reflections of our mothers but we can end up dating reflections of their own love habits and ideas that they’ve passed on to us or that we’ve ‘absorbed’.

I have a confession – I haven’t spoken to my mum (or mom as you say in America) for over three months. Long time readers will know that last summer and many times throughout my life, I have experienced various clashes (that’s putting it mildly) with her. There is no war, it’s not like I’m thinking we’ll never speak again, or that she’s just discardable, but I won’t be keeping up any relationship insanity with my mother.

Enough is enough. Everything is my fault including things that she does that I have nothing to do with, like her coming to my youngest daughters first birthday, having a showdown with the boyf’s mum and then saying that if I was a better daughter, it wouldn’t have happened. At almost 33 (jaysus I’m only 32 for a few more days), I accept that I’m never going to be or do whatever it is that I’m supposed to be or do.

Much like when I’ve dated assclowns and Mr Unavailables, I can tell you right now, that there is no magic word or magic act that will somehow cause my mum to be happy with me and accept me. And I’m OK with this.

My mother had her own fraught childhood and really, it’s been like continuing a pattern with her, but for the sake of myself, my own daughters and the boyf, I can’t continue to engage in a dynamic that sucks the fricking life out of me. I don’t feel bad about it – Hell, I’ve had 33 years to come to terms with it and I fought it for a long time because I wanted things to be ‘different’.

I accept my mother for who she is and what she is or isn’t capable of. I’m also being my authentic self. I recognise that there is no compromise available in this situation because it wouldn’t be two of us compromising – it would be me compromising myself. That’s just not going to happen. Anymore.

I have another confession: Until my early 20s I felt very ashamed of my relationship with her.