Over the last couple of posts, I’ve explained how and why we can end up dating emotionally unavailable reflections of our parents. In part two, I explained how we can essentially end up carrying an image of the type of father we wanted and looking for men to meet those needs. This, in itself, creates unrealistic expectations, especially when directed at people who reflect our negative beliefs and who are, by their own natures, unlikely to deliver a healthy relationship. i.e. Mr/Miss Unavailables and shady people.
Naturally, if we can learn unhealthy ideas about relationships, love and ourselves from our fathers, we can certainly learn them from our mothers too. And this is the subject of part three.
I have a confession: my mother and I are currently estranged. We haven’t spoken for over three months. Long-time readers will know that last summer (and many times throughout my life), I experienced various clashes (and estrangements) with her.
There is no war. It’s not like I’m thinking we’ll never speak again, or that she’s just ‘discardable’. That said, I’m not going to maintain the relationship insanity. You know, where I keep doing the same things to be the Good Daughter and expecting different results. She is who she is. I have to stop thinking that my behaviour will make her spontaneously combust into a Good Mother.
Enough is enough. Everything is my fault, including things she does that I have nothing to do with. Like her coming to my youngest daughter’s first birthday, having a showdown with the boyf’s mom and then saying that if I were a “better daughter”, it wouldn’t have happened. At almost thirty-three (jaysus I’m only 32 for a few more days), I accept reality. I’m never going to be what she expects.
My mother had her own fraught childhood and that pattern plays out in our relationship. For the sake of myself, my daughters and the boyf, though, I can’t continue to engage in a dynamic that sucks the fricking life out of me. I don’t feel bad about it. Hell, I’ve had thirty-three years to come to terms with it, and I fought it for a long time because I wanted things to be different.
I accept my mother for who she is and what she is and isn’t capable of.
I’m also being my authentic self. I recognise that there is no compromise available in this situation because it wouldn’t be two of us compromising; it would be me compromising myself. That’s just not going to happen anymore.
I have another confession: Until my early 20s I felt very ashamed of my relationship with my mother.
I believed that I was the only person to have a mom who seemed so angry with her all of her life; who called her names, made outrageous accusations, doomed her and said she’d end up as nothing in jail with five kids by thirty; who physically hurt her, repeatedly said she “didn’t have to be born” and that she was just like her ”worthless father”, and much more.
Surely, if I was a good, decent, lovable human being, my own mother wouldn’t curse me out or even accuse me of being at the root of all of her problems?
Surely, if I was someone worthy of being loved, my own mother would love me?
What was so wrong with me that made her so angry?
Why couldn’t she love me and treat me like she loved me? I’m not saying we had to be happy clappers in The Brady Bunch every day, but why did I feel such a hatred directed at me?
Why couldn’t I get ‘it’ (being a daughter) right?
What kind of daughter is estranged from her mother?
Something changed, though. Aside from friends noticing or their witnessing events (my mom threw me out of the house for every birthday from 12-18), I stopped pretending. I took the risk of telling things how they really were. Friends were still there, and aside from being empathetic, sympathetic, and supportive, they too had their own experiences to share.
Through this blog, I’ve corresponded and talked with many women through who have very fraught and abusive relationships with their mothers. They have what I call The Other Mother. The mother we had in childhood (and adulthood) isn’t portrayed on Hallmark cards. We don’t see her in Getty Images or in the media unless it’s at the extremes. Our mothers can be cruel, distant, jealous, possessive, and hyper-critical. They treat us like the enemy. Instead, though, there’s a saccharine portrayal of motherhood that fosters deep shame in many women. And that’s daughters and mothers.
Many women today have mothers who carried their own baggage, beliefs, behaviours, and attitudes. They parented and communicated through actions and words, direct and indirect messages, to their daughters that affected how they see themselves, relationships, love, and men.
It’s hard to talk about these things, but it’s necessary. Much like when I talked about why men blow hot and cold, being the other woman, everything to do with assclowns and being involved with emotionally unavailable people and the complicated dynamic, and more, as women we tend to feel our situation is unique. When people don’t feel or behave as we expect despite how ’good’ we’ve been, we believe that it’s our fault; we believe that we’re the cause. I don’t want you to feel alone.
In Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain how our mother’s ‘words of wisdom’ and dodgy actions can teach us strange ideas about relationships and ourselves.
In this type of environment, it’s pretty difficult to wake up as an adult equipped with healthy love habits. It’s not as if you can reference a positive example! This isn’t about not loving or caring about your parent(s); it’s about getting real and gaining perspective. It’s about not carrying blame and shame as weighty baggage throughout your life and relationships.
In part four, I explain more mother behaviours that will have greatly impacted. I also share suggestions for healing from and moving beyond these experiences.
Your thoughts?
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your list has just described my mother and my step mother….I had to laugh (otherwise I would have cried)
You have basically described my mother. She was an alcoholic, very histrionic and selfish-the whole world had to revolve around her. She told me from a young age that no one would ever want me or love me. When I was a teen, she accused me of sleeping around, doing drugs and just being an ungrateful child, in general. After putting up with her crap for 28 years, mostly to appease my enabler dad (whom I suspect was a narcissist and was definitely EU), I finally cut her out of my life. I just couldn’t take any more of her belittling and negativity. She was the first person I NC’d.
It’s little wonder I’ve constantly been involved with people (not just men) who are selfish and emotionally unavailable. Trying to change that now.
Thank you for this site, NML.
Amen to that. I’m 55 and I still have the same issues with my mum who is 82. I watched her try to hang onto my father for almost 50 years. He cheated on her and she punished him. It was not a good scene. It was like a never ending nightmare. It’s tough not to repeat history, or in this case, “herstory”, but I’m trying. Sometimes I slip up, but then I just tell myself that tomorrow is another fresh day.
My Mother led me to believe that my wants, needs and feelings were irrelevant.
My Mother led me to believe that intimate relationships were emotionally abusive — and that was what I should expect/not to think I should have anything else, or that anything else existed.
My Mother led me to believe that all that matters if a man gets angry is to apologize to him. It must be MY fault, the man is never wrong and must be appeased.
My Mother led me to believe that self-esteem was equal to having a relationship. The implication was that she was a success as a person because she was married. The fact that he was a rage-aholic and possibly borderline was irrevelant.
My Mother led me to believe that children are to be emotionally abused and it is okay at any age and any time and for any reason, they have no rights. That is was silly or selfish of me to even bring it up.
My Mother led me to believe that I was nothing – the man (her husband) was everything.
My role model was that I was nothing and that was my proper place.
My Mother led to me believe that no matter how mean a man was — the vital thing was to preserve the relationship and not leave.
Being married (having a partner) was what mattered.
Unhappiness was irrelevant, denial was King and feelings were as shallow as can be, insight was a word in the dictionary.
My Mother taught me by example NEVER to let go. If I’d gotten any attention at all, I couldn’t let my love leave me or I’d be nothing and worthless again, without value as a woman or a person.
I had ZERO healthy love habits. Not with men, and not with myself.
It’s been a long, slow, gradual road to learning what healthy looks and feels like, and taking the small action steps to create it, thanks to your website and posts over the last 2+ years, Nat.
I am reparenting myself, with your assistance 🙂
Ive not till now, recognized how my distorted thinking was a direct result of my upbringing with my mother who was 1) narcissistic 2) verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive 2) emotionally unavailable.
The messages I received about myself, men, relationships, love, and the safety and trust one can expect from people you should trust in this world – are operating in near full force in my life today. Ive had moments of clarity and peace – however in a recent relationship with someone who resembled her (No surprise there!) – these faulty beliefs and resultant emotions and behavior came surging back in with the rawness and regression of my returning to myself at 3, 8, 12, and 16! Many of the things you recount being said to you were also in my vernacular as a child:
You’re never going to amount to anything!
You’re a selfish little bitch!
My life is a mess because of you!
Look at the way you’re dressed! Put some clothes on – you’re attracting your grandfather’s attention!
You little slut!
If abortion had been legal, you wouldn’t be here!
I remember her sitting outside of a counselor’s door – eavesdropping – and all the way home she screamed at me for talking about her.
When I finally told her that I had been sexually abused by her husband (step father after his death) she accused me of lying, that I always made things up to get attention! that I had to turn his funeral into a scene that involved me.
That the isolation I felt in my own family was brought on by myself feeling like an outsider and alienating everyone else.
End result, I “survived” my childhood with a whole set of faulty beliefs that included:
I must DO something to be loved
Being myself was NOT ok
I was unlovable
Thinking of myself/taking care of myself was “selfish” and thus bad
I must be perfect to be loved
I need the approval of others to survive
My feelings must be validated by others
Others define me
It is shameful to make mistakes – making mistakes means Im a mistake
Keep your opinions, thoughts, honesty and feelings to yourself – no one will respect them anyway
Be flexible, adjust and accomodate others. Others have VALID reasons for their actions; dont question THEM; question myself.
Things could get even worse – don’t rock the boat.
Dont take up other’s valuable time with your problems and concerns.
People dont want to hear that you feel bad. Keep it to yourself.
You should always have a good reason for what you feel and do.
When someone is in trouble you should help THEM.
You should be sensitive to the needs of OTHERS, even if they cant or wont tell you what it is. (mind reading)
It’s not nice to put people off, if questioned, give an answer.
It’s not ok to be angry with someone. If you do, they’ll go away.
Put on a mask to be acceptable to others – so they wont abandon you.
So on and So on…
The first step to changing these tapes – is to really be honest about their existence. My mom died 23 years ago – but I’ve kept her alive in my head and my behavior in relationships/ life in general.
It’s time to change!
Did we have the same mom? MIne sent me to finishing school so I could learn how to to attract a rich man. Then the plan was for me to be an airline stewardess to find the rich man because you can love a rich man just as easy as you can love a poor man but you will have a better life.
I was voted Class Clown at finishing school – which my mother hated and then I rebelled by moving out with a poor man = X-hubby#1 AC all the way. Anything was better at that point.
Natalie-
You have described my mother and childhood. I married her clone-they hated each other, btw. She died and I divorced him the same year 17 years ago. It has been one long row to hoe as I had no “road map” and have had to invent myself as I’ve gone along. I’ve not been able to sustain a relationship with a man after all these years. I finally gave up after the last *ssclown 3 years ago. I keep being attracted to her type as if to gain her approval through them. I’m reading all I can and healing slowly. It’s amazing the damage they inflict that can last for so long. Thanks for all that you do. You always hit the nail right on the head with your articles! Keep up the great work!!
For some reason I talk a lot about the poor role model I had as a father but not so much about the mother. Yet she caused a lot, maybe even more damage? She had a bad childhood and was abadonned. In my relationship with her we sort of became like best friends, I even spoke to her several times about getting out and leaving. She finally did do that when I was 16 only she left me with him. I then had to wear the brunt of his emotional upset and I was not equipt to do so. At the same time my very 1st love left me and I had no idea how to go through it and if my feelings were normal. I had no one to turn to and friends made me feel like a freak because I just couldn’t get over things 🙁 on the day my mum came back to pack up her belongings she had a friend with her. They both sang, danced around the place and she seemed the happiest I’ve ever seen her. I just sat there frozen. I was scared to show any emotion. I went blank and I can almost feel that sensation come over me as I write this. As an afterthought she must have finally seen my pain, she said you no I’ll miss you. Crumbs!!
When she would make some time to see me, it was always the least amount if time squeezed inbetween other events. I felt unwanted. She would see me Xmas day for 30 mins then take off to be with her new guy, knowing I’d spend the day alone. She came back once citing it was over between her and her partner. I quickly told her I’d help her, help her find a job, she could live with me. I spent the day making room 4 her, moving furniture around and making a home 4 her. When I got back from work she had gone and was back with him. I think it was around then that I decided to abandon my mother. I barely spoke to her which was easy since she never spoke to me. Many other things took place through out my life, she was beautiful but deeply insecure, she said once “u look pretty but when I was the same age as you, I’d have pissed all over you looks wise” she didn’t have to tell me that, I was already painfully aware that she was beautiful and I wasn’t, at least that’s what I learnt to hear from my father. I ended up in a very abusive relationship with a person with borderliner personality disorder. He nearly killed me. When I got out, called the police and my parents got involved I was black and blue and a shell. Everyone sat in the lounge room trying to act normal! There was nothing normal about it, I was deeply hurt and wounded. Instead I felt like a burden. I was only 21. My mother was now in an abusive relationship also. We both sat there at her best friends house, this lady had always been the mother my mum never had. This lady said why are you going back to him, look at your daughter and what’s happend to her. My mum stated it was different. When my mum found out I was date rapped at 14, when I told her at an older age. She basically said it’s nit a bug deal and the same thing had happend to her. It’s weird throught about my life I can always plainly see my dads mistakes abd what problems he caused but for the longest time I thought I had a loving mum. She was always broody, moody but I thought that was because dad cheated on her. I’m not sure I can really remember a lit if live from her? But I’m not sure if it’s just my memory playing up. I do remember love from my dad and yet he was or so it seemed meaner than her. So confusing 🙁 my mum thought and maybe even still thinks she did a wonderful job and she stopped the abandonment and abuse cycle. Yet she fails to realise that she did abadon me at age 16. She didn’t stop the abuse, she jumped from one frying pan to another because she lacked the courage to be alone. I havnt spoken to either patents for about 15 years. I felt in the end they both made me miserable and I wasn’t going to take it anymore. Now I’ve had 20 years of miserable relationships. It’s only in the past year that I realised it was due to abadonment issues and trying to recreate that scenario over and over to try right a wrong.
P.S. My relationship now with my Mother is one where I do not expect her to be compassionate, kind, loving, thoughtful, insightful, remorseful or have any desire or attempt to change as I know she is quite content to be just the way she is, and in fact, thinks not only was she a wonderful Mother, but that she has no need to change and/or is too old too do so anyway (her excuse with a giggle on her part).
Because I am gradually learning more and more who I am (positive and negative) and am becoming someone I like, respect and trust — I don’t need her opinions any more or feel that they are any reflection on me.
I am free of her. I have outgrown the need to believe she should be the Mother who I always wanted.
I see her as little as possible, and when we do talk, keep it superficial.
Therein lies peace.
My values are my own now. I have the contentment I always wanted and I am doing everything I can to be different than she was/is.
Where she lacks compassion and empathy, I see where I have also slipped up — and am conscious of that and try to be kinder.
Where she lacks insight, I try to see the layers of behaviors and understand how X creates Y.
Etc., etc.
P.S.S. I have forgiven myself for having been hurt by her.
I have forgiven myself for the false expectations I had of her.
I have forgiven myself for being unloving to myself.
I am proud of myself for who I am and am becoming 🙂
This. Exactly. Yes.
Trinity – I empathize with your story. That you have the courage to tell the truth as you have and the decision to stay clear for 15 years are enormous feats of courage!
Aurora- Thank you for your eloquent wisdom.
Wow! Hairs right up on the back of my neck reading all these comments.
Kudos to you all.
I still struggle with my mother, but when I divorced my cheating, abusive husband, she sided with him against me.
Not only that but when someone attacked me physically and injured me, she believed my ex when he told her I had been the attacker, not the other way around.
For me it was the final nail in the coffin of years of emotional abuse. Physical abuse were regular face slaps when and where she liked. If I cleaned her kitchen to make her happy, she’d scream at me that I was trying to undermine her position in the house.
If I wasn’t vacuuming hard enough, she’d slap me across the face. Once I was crippled with period pain and she hit me because I wasn’t working hard enough.
My mother is a born again Christian, whatever that means.
I now no longer have contact with her. I’ve told them both to stay away – my father included. They think it’s ok to act just how they like, to bring their cruel abuse to my door and for me to be ok with it. When I get angry about it, she accuses me of being abusive. They will never say sorry, never accept anything they have done has been wrong, never change…
I think I am learning to be ok with that.
My lovely partner and I have an incredible relationship. I am none of the things she said I was. I am everything he believes me to be.
At last, separation, maturity, growth, spirituality, self contentment… plus so much more.
And for my own children, I give them nothing from her and everything from me.
Big hugs to all these beautiful women on this thread who have suffered at the hands of people meant to love you.
It was not your fault.
Wow my heart goes out to all who’ve written before this. I am so lucky to have a mom who always supported me in anything I ever wanted to do. It almost makes me feel bad that neither one of my parents we’re screwed up and gave all their children love & respect. I truly am blessed.
once again natalie,this hit’s home!! i finally am guilt free about my choice to no longer let my mother manipulate me(i’m 34) I am a twin(we are two minutes apart) my mother choose my sister,the weaker link being the youngest,to be her “baby” wee are twins! any way besides favourtism,to this day my mother still plays my sister like a puppet!! we always bumped heads,because deep down i knew something didnt feel right!she was the queen of manipulation! the breaking point was when i saw her doing it to my son!! it had to end,so now that i have boundries,she doent like to “play”…thanx natalie! you are an inspiration for many!! we need you!! you are changing lives everyday!!
@ M thank you, that really means a lot to me.
It was very hard writing it down but it’s also made me realise that it should be my next focus @ councelling. People look at you like your a freak for doing NC with your parents especially way back when I started. It seemed so wrong a taboo. But along the way and as people start to realise they have choices, most people respect my wishes, some are even thankfull because they get courage to opt out of a poisonous cycle also. It’s a big decision though, it was painful, haunting, confusing and obviously Xmas, nye, birthdays, mothers day and all the rest can suck especially when being single also :p I forgive them both, they both had issues, married to young, bad childhoods and so forth. There were some nice times also and my dad actually, when starting to find himself came to me and said “if I have ever done anything to cause you pain, anything that may be screwing you up, I want you to tell me, talk about and if I have I’m sorry” I couldn’t tell him though, I just couldn’t things were to broken but I appreciate him for doing it. So I forgive them, understand them and why but I don’t have to be a part of it. What’s the point in trying to do the right thing for yourself, stay away from bad men or friends only to let parents treat you bad. I say NO! No to a toxic relationship with my parents.
Thanks Nat. This series is the best I have read so far. I feel validated somehow when I read your posts. Thank you an my you are 32 only? Good then I have hope. At 27 I felt I am already completely on the shelf and pretty much lost hope. You make me feel better.
When I talk to her about every day little stresses, she “can’t take it”…she tells me it stresses her out so much she gets sick and worries herself to death. This started out with BIG life stresses, like in my teens after she left our family and i would call when I’d have depressions. She basically feels helpless to help me (other than financially, she tries to solve my problems by giving me money and sure that helps a lot, as a single mom, it does help, and i’m thankful) but i’d love to just be able to shoot the sh*t with her and not have her personalize my little life troubles (i don’t tell her the big ones anymore) so I don’t tell her much about my life at all bcuz she just can’t handle it. Even positive things that happen worry her. It’s weird but I’ve learned to deal with the fact that my mother will never really KNOW ME. I present my life to her always in the positive with few details other than what the kids are up to , a new haircut, etc.
Luckily my Dad isn’t threatened (or feel threatened for me) by the everyday stresses and ups and downs of my life so I can talk to him about them…but it’s not like having a female to talk to. I also live in a different province (they are east coast , i am west coast) so they really don’t know what is going on in my life. But i can barely tell the difference as even when we lived in the same city I sheltered them from the details.
I have always felt rather like an alien in society, like no one really knows me. I wonder if this is due to my parents never really knowing who I was/am. Thankfully I have always had female friends that to a large extent can relate to me and who i can relate to.
Gosh sorry to post again, this article has got me thinking about so many things. I’ve realised my true deep down gut wrenching abandonment issues come from her actions. Each time I was abused, left, dumped, cheated on and just plain treated like dirt, I’d cry and always say to myself I am unlovable, even my parents didn’t want me, even my mum left me. I think I’ve learnt the lessons I needed to of my father, about abuse, cheating and so forth but this last relationship hit straight into abadonment pain for me. If you can imagine feeling you finally felt loved, was with a man who didn’t hit, cheat. A man who wanted to create a future with me. A family, his family who loved me, somewhere to be Xmas day, people who actually thought about me and my life. I felt after the year of hard work at coucelling, I’d somehow been rewarded. Then bang it’s gone. All it could do was bring up the most intense feelings of STILL be unlovable, not wanted, not appreciated, to be thrown away like nothing, to mean nothing to no one no matter how hard I tried, no matter what work I put in, no matter what work I put into myself.
I guess a lot of the councelling was based on dad, past relationships and only a bit about my mum. I think this it what my last relationship was here to teach me. I feel exhausted my everything in trying to do and learn for myself but I’m also excited to realise this needs to be dealt with and is far bigger then I ever gave it credit for.
I’ve bees having this feeling in the last 3 weeks of being on the verge of great change but something was anchoring me down, maybe this is it. I’m not even thinking about my last relationship anymore, it somehow seems silly and small now. I’m just thinking of mum, trying to recall her, writing things down, big events that shaped me, things I learnt from her and seeing her for what she really is. None of it was my fault, this is her stuff and it’s unacceptable.
Nat, I really hope you keep going with this subject, it’s hard and unerving but gee it feels good to be able to chat with others and hear other stories.
I’m sure everyone agrees?
Thanks Nat 🙂
@ Columbia, I to have always described myself in those exact words, I feel like an alien only I think I look like one also 🙂 maybe it does come from not being understood my our own parents? I’m not sure but it would make sense. I pretty much feel like I don’t quite fit anywhere or people don’t understand me.
Wonder if anyone else feels the same?
the relationship with my parents has alway been, well i cant describe it, but i know that i have always felt shy of showing emotions, we have never hugged and have never showed love or care for one another. i have shown more emotions to strangers than them. before i met my baby daddy, i had a BF, he proposed, we got engaged and he got in a car accident and died. My parents forbid me to go to his funeral. It was a situation of, why on earth would you wanna go to his funeral, he is dead, get serious, he wasnt even your husband yet, whats wrong with you, Our daughter would not do that, how could you want to attend a funeral… i was made to feel like there was something extremely wrong with me, i remember i once missed him so much that i cried, my parents saw my red eyes and could not understand why. i got crapped on for crying. people die once and would most likely get burried once.
i was always dfferent from my sisters, i was not wrong or bad, i was just different and i think because both my parents didnt want a different child they just could not accept me and my differences.hence i could never love and embrace me.
Aurora- I’ve been a lurker on this site only for the past 2 weeks and I haven’t posted before now, but your share about your mother blew me away. I started crying tears of recognition as I read because your words spoke to me and it spoke for me. But most on the spot:
” I am free of her. I have outgrown the need to believe she should be the Mother who I always wanted.”
I have come to my own conclusion only within the last 5 years that my mother will never be my best friend or supporter. She will never be the mother I want her to be because I always feel like crap after I pay her a visit. She criticizes me for not having a better job, for not being skinny, for not being the daughter she wants me to be. In her eyes, I will never be or do enough. I’ve felt this all my life. I have one older sister and two other brothers (one passed away 5 years ago) and she had always treated my brothers like Gods but my sister and I were second thoughts at best. I am the youngest of the family and I have felt left behind and neglected by my mother since I was very little. She is emotionally unavailable. I am what John Bradshaw in “Homecoming” has deemed “The Lost Child”. The child in the family dynamic who is lost in the shuffle and no attention is paid to physically or emotionally by the dysfunctional family.
I have often proudly proclaimed to anyone that will listen that I have stopped listening to what my mother tells me to do since I was 12. But I realize that is only partly true. Her words have been embedded in my psyche. Not so easily shaken off like a gnat. Sometimes I see it being manifested in my relationships with EUMs. I should know my father is an EUM. My mother has complained about his EUM-ing behaviors since I was old enough to listen. I have never shared any information with her about my ex-boyfriends because I didn’t want her to tear them down piece by piece like she’s done with me. I felt the need to protect them from her harsh criticism. Who was there to protect me from her? Now, I know the answer is ME.
SHE was the one who was physically and verbally abusive. She still verbally abuses my father. and me when she gets the chance. Which isn’t often.
Don’t overlook that very often its the mothers who are violent, not the fathers.
Mother and father arguing everyday – check
(sometimes getting physical)
Father cheating for years – check
Mother not leaving father – why should she leave when she’s done nothing wrong/move in to a smaller house – check
Mother involving you in this – check
Mother valuing looks over brains, encouraging a prick tease attitude – check
Mother stating men are only after one thing – check
Neither of them would ever admit to being wrong
and so on.
= me feeling isolated.
rejecting any ‘normal’ guy because 1. why would they want me, there must be something wrong with them? 2. It’s too easy
= leading guys on & then rejecting them therefore proving they only want one thing
= developing an eating disorder to make myself invisible/ugly = if they like me it’s because of who I am not how I look.
etc etc.
The one good thing to come out of the ex-AC involvement is that I took a long hard look at myself and where my attitudes came from, yes my father was pretty crappy but mum played her part in this. Not that she would ever take responsibility for anything.
I also noticed it was mum who went passive-aggressive and withdrew (like the ex-ac).
The work NOW is to say ok, that’s how things were. I can’t do anything about that but I can take control of how my life unfolds now and for the future.
This resonates with me much more than the father aspect. My dad had his issues, but mostly, our relationship was/is pretty harmonious. However, my mom was poison to my self-esteem growing up. She was always angry, contentious, jealous of me and my relationship to my father, argumentative, emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, invalidated my feelings as a matter of course, controlling, cold, and the list goes on. I would say a good portion of my troubles with women and men stem from my relationship with my mother. This expresses itself as me always trying to gain someone’s love and approval, problems with showing affection, being too accomodating, not having appropriate boundaries. In fact, sometimes I don’t think my mother wants me to get married or really be happy in any way. Or she wants me to be happy, but only her version of happiness–everything on *her* terms. It’s always been that way. I had have to really fight for my autonomy with her. It’s all about her, and I’m just a reflection of her. It’s maddening, but this really hits closer to home for me.
” In fact, sometimes I don’t think my mother wants me to get married or really be happy in any way. Or she wants me to be happy, but only her version of happiness–everything on *her* terms. It’s always been that way”
I can relate to this 100%!
Yeppers, the way you “should” be happy. I sometimes wonder if my mom ever really was happy. She “said” she was…… and I don’t DARE have the “were you REALLY….” conversation.
Boy this one hits home. I’m in my 50’s and it took me this long to figure out that I never got what I needed from my mom: VALIDATION. When I would express a thought that didn’t “jive” with what my mom thought I should think (even though it wasn’t WRONG), I got told, “no you don’t feel that way, you feel THIS way.” So, I “faked it.” (pretended to be what she wanted to see) Thus, I also learned to “fake it” with boyfriends. Well, my mom doesn’t directly put me down like Natalie mentions, it’s just that it’s just that if I “feel” differently than what Mom thinks I “should” feel, I get told, “no you don’t feel that way, you feel this way.” For example, when I was a little kid, I told mom that when I grew up, I was going to live “far away.” I got told, “No you won’t you will change your mind and live real close” (read: “Like all good daughters do……”) Made me real determined to live far away, and I eventually did move 3000 miles away!
You hit the nail on the head. I would have never linked my EUM behaviour to my mum. All my life until I finished graduate school, my mum preached that men are bad for me. they would ruin my life. marriage is a miserable institution and no good would come of it. I should get a good education and a career.. thanks to her I have both and i am shit scared of commitment. Once a relationship heads towards commitment, I split like a bat out of hell. I am the queen of sabotage…For the past 4 years I have had string of eums and i wonder why they do not want to commit. Now that I am in my early 30s my mum’s song has changed to “you should get a husband. you cant live without a man and a family of your own” Excuse me? You told me men were bad, and that my father ruined what could have been a very perfect life for you. now all of a sudden marriage is rosey? Too late for that. The damage is already done!” I would give anything to remove my mum’s poison from my head which has contributed immensly to my behavior. I go to weddings and feel pity for the bride! I sit there thinking “she has no idea wat she is getting into. I wont be having the drama”. And constantly hearing marriage woes from friends and relatives hasnt helped either….. I have declined marriage proposals from good men. One guy, i dated for 8 years…he asked so many times over that time i refused until i knew i couldnt put it off any longer and I split. Did the same with the guy i dated right after him,we dated for 5 years once the marriage talk started.I bolted out of there..and there is my last saboaged relationship.. he was devastated….. I am ashamed of myself. Now I just cling to EUMs for dear life and wonder why they cant commit! But that voice at the back of my head remind me “single women do much better in life.most successful women are single! a man will only serve to bring you down!” How am I supposed to change it all of a sudden to “marriage is good, you need a man in your life, my mother needs grandchildren”! oh! crap!!!!!!!
Honestly, I think my mother wants me to BE her, which is another topic entirely. I believe this is one of the sources of her frustration with me: my resistance to becoming just like her in life and relationships, and my determination to follow my own course. I can see how her influence has negatively influenced my relationships with men and women. Sometimes I have a hard time trusting other women because my mom was/is constantly jealous of me, comparing herself to me, and trying to “out do” me in various areas. I tend to carry this dysfunctional mode of relating to other women, always afraid to achieve success because I don’t want to evoke jealousy, then rejection, from my female friends. I’m trying to break out of this paradigm.
for many years i thought that my relationship with my father was the main problem (the lack of one, that is). but i know now that my “issues” have always had everything to do with my mother and in my adult life i have either been dating versions of her or the men that she dated after my father bailed.
having a bad mother truly warps your word in a tremendously painful way, makes you tough on the outside but a constantly scared and crying baby on the inside; convinced you will always be unlovable because if your mother couldn’t love you, then who on earth could? having a bad father will leave deep scars also, but i fall into the camp that believe that mothers have far more power to damage their children than fathers do.
I would have to agree with C, the scars from a mother seem to run far deeper. Is it because she is suppose to be nurturer?, the one you really bond with? Id say so and many other things.
My x had some terrible issues with his mother and they have left some big scars on him.
This whole mother topic has been very intersting and real eye opener for me also. I to believed my dad or fairly absent dad was the issue, not so, its mum.
But knowing and being aware is part of the repairing.
Natalie, I just want to say that you’re really cool. Thank you for sharing and stay strong! You’re awesome.
After reading these last 3 instalments I can now clearly see a pattern in my poor relationship choices: stemming from a father who was emotionally disconnected, never supportive but forever negative and critical and a mother who took out all her frustrations on her only child – me.
My mother regularly took to me with a leather strap she had hanging on the door. On one occasion she made me kneel in a corner on grains of uncooked rice because I wanted to eat baked beans for dinner for heavens sake! On another occasion, when I was only 8yrs, she pulled a chair from under me as I was about to sit in it, causing me to fall onto and break my tailbone, which to this day has caused, amongst other things, chronic back pain. I am an only child; I was never “spoilt” as is a common notion regarding only-children. My parents NEVER said they loved me, NEVER held me close and still don’t. Not intentionally (but obvious to me know) I needed love and attention back then and I thought I’d found it in the advances of an opportunistic man who ended up taking my virginity. He was more than twice my age, I was only 16. He abused his position and moral responsibility – he was also the family doctor. I thought it was love. He laughed at my declaration, said I was a silly girl and then left town…with his wife. I told no one, had no one to turn to and contemplated suicide. My mother liked him and I thought for sure she would punish me if she ever found out.
The best years of my life where spent overseas, away from my parents. I made new friends who appreciated me for who I was and I heard praise for the first time. On my return I had new-found confidence which my mother noticed and resented because I was finally able to say “no” to her and stopped listening to her berating. She said begrudgingly that I “had changed”. I smiled inwardly at that…door mat no more. After having my own children, I vowed to love and cherish them as I needed and wanted to be. As a result, they are confident and caring individuals and they know I am always there for them. I can’t imagine how someone could turn their back on or abuse their child. Neither of my parents were their for me for the birth of my children…my mum went on a holiday instead, when I had my first.
I realise we all carry our baggage from the past and my parents had their own problems with their upbringing but it’s a choice we make to right the wrongs of the past not perpetuate them. I chose to stop the madness.
My father even admitted one time that although I was a good mother, I made him feel like I “rubbed it in his face” at how badly he and mum parented me. I thought: so it’s still all about you. They are hopelessly awkward grandparents.
My mother now laments that I probably won’t take proper care of her when she becomes dependant. She constantly tries the guilt trip on. I admit I have often thought: I will put the needs of my kids first and if I don’t have time for you, so be it. I find it so hard to connect with her now that she is feeling her mortality. I really could care less. I have to find forgiveness someway. It’s not easy.
Once again Natalie, you speak directly to our broken hearts and souls and guide us into the right direction. Thank you.
It’s amazing that we feel obliged because we’re related. If this was a stranger or so-called friend treating us this way we’d soon cut them loose.
Actually I have cut one family member loose – for attacking me. I’ve never looked back and he;s never admitted doing anything wrong.
@ Brand new day-love your name! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts it’s helped me look into my own life and understand much more about my past. Learning about boundaries and how to set them doesn’t happen in so many families. Not being able to turn to your family out of fear or shame as a child is the worst feeling. It’s a wonderful blessing that we can learn what we didn’t when we where children and shed that shame and fear.
@ Eve
It was an unwritten and unspoken rule in my family that you tolerated verbal and physical abuse from family members and where just expected to continue to interact with them anyway. Keep giving them chance after chance. And keep trying to do things that will make them like you and treat you differently. Only to be disappointed again and again and hurt over and over. till finally you wake up one day and say -it’s not my fault he acts like this and I don’t have to expose myself to abuse just because it’s family. It’s so dysfunctional and unfortunaltely it is still the way my family is to this day. I am just supposed to forgive and forget and keep putting up with their continued bad behavior and disrespect just because they are family that i am supposed to sacrafice myself for them. How do you continue to have a relationship with someone who abused you in the past physically and verbally as a child, and when you interact with them as adults they still are verbally abusive and disrespectful to you???? I haven’t been able to do it i’ll tell you that. I no longer talk to him anymore after attempt after attempt -he’s still the same as he always was and I will no longer expose myself to that. My mother continues to tolerate the way he his even though it causes her mental pain and breaks her heart-but facing another loss of a person in her life is something that mentally she thinks would destroy her and makes her feel as though it’s her fault that he treats her like this. This type of situation set me up for tolerating the same stuff with men and friends because it was what I was used to growing up and didnt know any better. Now I do. Thank God. thank you for the website-very interesting.
My mother did a HELL of a number on me when it came to relationships and just about everything else in life. 😐 Had to completely sever ties and it’s made life easier.
For anyone who has a narcissistic mother like mine, here’s a book recommendation: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. A friend of mine found it while looking for a book about her narcissistic controlling father, saw it and recommended it to me immediately.
(Since she also did a hell of a number on my youngest brother too, wondering if there’s a book out there for SONS of narcissistic mothers. In the meantime, he regards me as his surrogate mother, as well as my 2 aunts, whom mother dear cut off. Oh yeah, she disowned both of us too. Don’t even get me started. LMAO and SMH. 😐 )
thanks for the thought provoking article natalie-keep em coming. Articles like this are exactly what we all need to put the focus back on us and off the relationships with EU’s. That serves to help us all grow the most. It helps us get to the bottom of why we choose these types of men so we can do better at avoiding them in the future.
Cares Too Much — you’ve been through a lot, and it seems we had to learn many of the same lessons and in the same gradual onion-peeling way.
Thank goodness for NML and the posts she writes that help us open our eyes to the inner work that heals and balances past damages so we are healthier/sturdier,and can love ourselves better than we were loved by family.