In parts one and two, I explained how dating reflections of our father creates unrealistic expectations. We try to fill the void created by the dysfunction that we may have experienced. In part three, I delved into the tricky subject of dating reflections of our mothers, something that resonates with many women. Whether it’s that we gravitate to people that reflect our mother’s characteristics or the ideas and beliefs she passed down, the impact is felt throughout our relationship pattern.
It will be no surprise that what we experience with our emotionally unavailable fathers are all things that we can experience with our emotionally unavailable mothers. They can, however, take on a different slant. Why? Because we arrive on this earth automatically dependent on our mothers. It can feel very odd, near painful, to not be able to depend on her. And it can feel devastating if you feel unloved, unwanted, or even hated, which will cause you to spend a lot of time seeking validation and attention.
We’re taught to expect to be loved by our mothers. There’s this cosy, rosy image of what being parented should be like.
When we don’t experience what ‘everyone else’ is, i.e. The Norm, we blame ourselves.
In part two, I laid out examples of some of the things our father may have been and done that created the wrong message and affected our self-esteem. You can take that list and substitute mother, and here are some additional possibilities. Perhaps she…
- Abandoned you or was fond of disappearing acts. Being given up for adoption, for example. While some may feel like it was an act of care, for others, they believe they started life with rejection.
- Taught you to feel bad about loving your father or to even be ashamed of your background.
- Was/is a drama queen invalidating everyone’s feelings around her, creating havoc, conflict, and misery, but never accountable for her actions. She teaches those around her not to voice their feelings.
- Made her love life her main priority, choosing men over you, and maybe even standing by as they mistreated you. She may have abandoned you every time a new guy came into her life.
- Was jealous of you so it may have felt like she treated you like an enemy or a love rival.
- Was near-obsessed with what she thought you were and weren’t doing, especially around sex. Even when her accusations weren’t true, she made them sound like the truth. Next thing you know, you’re supposed to be sleeping with the whole village. Or apparently you’re hitting on her man, trying to rob her, or trying to kill her.
- Critiqued the crap out of you making it clear that you were not measuring up.
Whatever you have experienced, don’t deny it. You don’t have to pretend that your mother was a saint or feel ashamed about her behaviour and how it reflects on you.
Acknowledging your experiences isn’t about looking for reasons to blame your mother (or father). It’s about understanding why you may have some of the ideas that have shaped how you see yourself and the world as well as your interactions so that you can make peace and adjust your viewpoint.
Note that I say “make peace”. Much like closure, this is something that you can do without your parents’ involvement. This is especially if they’re no longer around or they’re still up to their antics.
I’ve worked hard over the last five years in particular to distance myself from the image of me that I’m told I am and also from the drama; this is key.
Here’s some of what I’ve learned that helps me stay grounded and get perspective about my relationship with my mother.
I’ve focused these ones on the mother-daughter relationship, and I will get back to fathers in part five.
It’s OK to be compassionate but don’t take on your mother’s problems.
My mother has her own issues, and I can be compassionate enough to recognise this and respect the impact on her. She is no doubt recreating patterns that are all too familiar to her but that doesn’t mean I have to take it. I’ve tried to accommodate and be compassionate about these issues for thirty-three years. Whatever I do is never going to be enough because I’m not the problem or the solution. My Good Girl, people-pleasing ways are not going to fix her, and I accept this.
When you take on your mother’s problems, you’re just enabling a self-fulfilling prophecy. The best thing to do is not facilitate it. Your mother will either find the drama elsewhere or realise that they have to adapt and change. Why? Because your healthier boundaries make it impossible for the pattern of your dynamic to persist.
You can empathise without joining her in her problems or continuing the dynamic. You can say ‘I understand that she’s experienced X and had to put up with Y because Z happened, etc., and I’m sorry that this happened. But we’re both adults here and she cannot blame those things or expect me to tolerate her crossing my boundaries. This isn’t healthy for either of us and there is a limit to what I will put up with. I have my own life now; I cannot allow her problems to dominate my life or change how I feel about myself.’
I’m not my mother, she’s not me. I am me.
I didn’t know who the hell I was. I’d say I was A, she’d say I was B. I’d say I was C, she’d say I was B. Then I’d say ‘Okay, I’m B’, and she’d say I was Z. Gaslighting 101.
Much like when people express caution about a choice, not because they’re thinking about you but because they’re projecting their fears, mothers in dysfunctional relationships with their daughters don’t see their daughters; they see their own warped projections. It’s an enmeshed relationship where we don’t have our own identity.
Harsh as it may sound, much like when Mr Unavailables and assclowns are in no position to judge you and tell you who you are, neither is the mother who’s never been able to accept you for who you are and value you. Yes, I said it.
If she can’t separate you from herself and see you as a valuable entity, any perception she has of you is really quite warped.
You’re a grown woman, so you decide who you are, not her. If you want to be and do differently to her, she has no right to damn you and tell you that you can’t. And your life is different from hers anyway because you are not the same person.
Our mothers often repeated their own mother’s behaviour.
I know my own mother is irked by her mother’s lack of accountability and selective memory about events in her own childhood. Guess what? So am I! However, it’s recognising this which can help your compassion.
Our mothers took out their insecurities from their childhoods and repeated their mothers’ behaviour or even outpaced it. You know how you might feel unmothered? Well, you may have an Unmothered Mother.
Our mothers didn’t know any better. Many of our parents also come from an era where they feel that if it was okay for it to happen to them and they survived, then so can we. Yes, a very low and warped standard. I’m sure many of them had good intentions. Still, the intentions didn’t show up in their actions. Other worries they may have had, like man trouble, may have impacted this.
Our mothers think that ‘love’ is enough but then create double standards.
Love is not enough.
As most of us have discovered, saying ‘I love you’ isn’t enough in our relationships.
Many of us think that if we love enough we can overcome the dodgy, busted hurdles in our relationships.
Saying you love someone or that you pushed them out of your birth canal doesn’t erase or absolve dubious, neglectful or abusive parenting.
I’m not saying our parents didn’t love us. However, the style of love that comes with the whole ‘I love you, but I’m not sure I want you’ or ‘I beat you, but I love you’ (or whatever you experienced) teaches us that people who mistreat or neglect you love you. Someone can love you but not know how to love you in a healthy manner. In turn, this creates a limited relationship because the actions aren’t congruent with being loving.
Oddly, even though your mother may think that love is enough (I love you, I gave birth to you), she doesn’t practice this. You loving your mother and wanting her love and approval may not have been enough, creating a double standard and an imbalance. I’ve experienced this. I’m supposed to think, Ooh, yes, my mom loves me in spite of everything she’s said and done. In fact, she may have said and done things because she loved me.’ But if I say that I love her in spite of these things, which I do, I get ‘No, you don’t’ or a load of guff about what a disappointment I am. This brings me neatly to…
Sometimes our mothers said and did stuff out of fear of us ending up like them.
Or they feared us making the same mistakes (or fulfilling any other paranoia they had).
I got a degree and have two beautiful daughters and a wonderful partner. I also get to do what I love for a living–write and make a difference in people’s lives. Despite my mother’s pronouncements and predictions, I didn’t get “knocked up” at eighteen. Nor did I have the gazillion kids, the bad life, become a criminal or any of the other things she feared would become of me. And even if I had got pregnant at eighteen, I still wouldn’t be her.
I respect that she was scared. She had me aged nineteen and experienced a lot of judgement. It’s a shame, though, that her being scared, while it aggressively pushed me to do better (and made me scared of success and failure in equal measure), also bought out her mean side. There are better ways to make sure your kid does well. It’s good that we don’t fulfil the doom and gloom they predicted, it’s just a shame they couldn’t dream positively for us.
In part five, I share more insights on issues like being critiqued, the jealousy, when you feel your sense of femininity has been attacked and next steps for moving forward.
Your thoughts?
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This is great, NML, thank you.
4 years ago I came to the realization that my mother never even taught me how to be a woman, and I don’t think it was completely by accident either. I’m not sure if that’s what you mean by having one’s sense of femininity attacked; I just know that up until then, I avoided most of what’s considered femininity at all costs and think that at least a little bit of it has to do with her. I still struggle with it today but have come a long way.
Besides that, I’m speechless because this entry, like part 3, has taken the words out of my mouth and articulated them even better than I would have. Wow. 😐
Looking forward to part 5.
“scared of success and failure in equal measure” nailed it completely and I still am. Especially if it has anything to do with something close to my heart like the workshop I am putting on this fall. Excited and scared at the same time. Feels like I am walking out on a limb that might not hold my weight. A majority of this comes from the negative voice of my mother in my head thats been there throughout my life. I am facing the fear and each time I do it dimishes a bit – hopefully one day it will be gone.
“that people who mistreat you, love you” Boy is that a running theme. No wonder its hard for me to take compliments – the why are you being nice to me syndrome. Workin on that one too. Trying to take it at face value and not read anything into it. Just thank you works for now.
Yep, terrible at taking compliments. Feels weird, even. 😐
Another great post that rings so many bells.
I used to get the line ‘Oh you’re just thick like your old mum’… when I got a C in maths test. And yet the irony is that my mother is far from thick. In fact, she’s a very clever manipulator of people.
I have distanced myself from my parents. I no longer allow their drama into my life. They have no respect for my boundaries. And yes, absolutely, saying ‘I love you’ to me is not enough. I would like acknowledgement of their shitty behaviour towards me, but I will probably never get it and that’s ok too. Whilst I sympathise with my mother for the things she went through, she makes no attempt to sort them out because she enjoys the status and drama they bring her. And so that status and drama is a higher priority than me. And I’m ok with that now too… because I validate me. She no longer does.
This is a great series Nat. Keep it up, chick.
Not only does my biological mother not try to sort out her issues, she refuses to admit that she even has any and won’t talk about them. Are we related or something? 😐
The “invalidating” my feelings is a biggie for me. Mom did this all the time, but swore she did nothing wrong. My feelings were NOT “wrong.” They just weren’t the same as what my mom thought I should feel. However, I was made to feel “wrong” for not feeling the same as she.
My mom was a queen for “making things appear optional” when they weren’t. She would say, “would you like to…. [whatever].” When I said “no,” then I was told that I “had” to do whatever she wanted. For example, “I’m going to town, would you like to go too?” Me: NOPE! Then I got told I “had” to go to town with her. I was never allowed to say “no.” This caused me issues with boyfriends. I would ask them if they wanted to [whatever] and if they said “no,” I would feel upset! Then I would have to remember that they had a right to say “no” if something was phrased as “optional.”
For my mom, the asking “would you like to” was merely “pro forma.” I took it to be “literal.”
When I was a child, I told Mom I was not going to marry. I meant this, I’m 54 and still not married. She “invalidated” me and said that I would “Change my mind.” GUESS WHAT I DIDN’T!
My mom feels she did nothing wrong. Well, maybe compared to what Natalie has talked about, maybe it wasn’t THAT bad….. but I am messed up because my mom couldn’t say what she meant nor mean what she said. Everything she said had “agenda” to it. To this day she swears she “tells us the truth” but it’s not the “truth.” It’s more a “justification for her hidden agenda. To talk to my mom, you need a “universal translator.”
JJ
Natalie, thank you for tackling the tricky topics like this one.
My own story feels long ago where my mum seemed incapable of loving (at least to the extent that I craved for) – the first real hug I could remember for many years was in my mid – late twenties. Thankfully that relationship has been healed a long time now and I am thankful for it every day.
What I do find so scary is that increasingly…
“Your mother may have been jealous of you so it may have felt like she treated you like an enemy or a love rival.”
It is written to ‘honour your mother and father’ and ‘obey your parents (this one is for children)’. The trouble is when their behaviour is less than honourable.
I have been interviewing for my new book and the common theme is that even when you feel stuck, reach out, there is help.
Even today seek out role models of healthy, successful parents. Learn how to become a real woman – individual, wife, mother….
We can choose to not repeat the mistakes of the past and have a hope and a future!
“I’d say I was A, she’d say I was B, I’d say I was C, she’d say I was B, I’d say OK I’m B, she’d say I was Z. Much like when people express caution about a choice not because they’re thinking about you but projecting their own fears, mothers in dysfunctiona relationships with their daughters don’t see their daughters; they see their own warped projections.”
Wow, Natalie, that pretty much describes my mother’s relationship with me. Literally, if I was eating an apple and she would question why I am eating that and not an orange instead? Or if I am doing something of interest, she would ask why I wasn’t doing that other thing anymore. She was/is consistently contradictory. I call it second guessing, you called it invalidating. Results were the same.
My mom was physically absent 10 very important years of my life (from 5 to 15yrs old). She moved to another country to try a better life but what she doesnt realize sometimes is the scars her absence left in me. Not only she was physically absent but also emotionally absent. I also suffered a lot of mistreatments and emotional abuse while she was away thanks to a step mother from hell and an EUM father.
When I met my mother again at the age of 15 she and I clashed in so many ways. We obviously had very different personalities, both of us came from abusive backgrounds, I was going through my teen years. We had a really bad relationship. My mother *still* angry at my father, and angry at me for defending my father when I was 5 (rolling eyes). This of course made my brother automatically be the favorite son forever. Its been imprinted. Even nowadays, It is very obvious who is the person who she will call first for emergencies or non emergencies situations, who will hear the news first, who is the most humble and nice. SHe never trusted me to do things because according to her I would mess up, so she will handle the assignment to my brother who is the smarter one. At one point they both made fun of me etc etc. The list goes on.
At first it hurt like hell but Like NML says when you just come to accept these things and the person as she is you start free yourself from pain. I used to cry and suffered a lot over the obvious prefferences until one day I wiped my tears away and said: “I am tired of this suffering, I may not be my brother but I am still special and have very good qualities and I dont even have to prove this. I just know it and thats enough. I will live my life as ME and be true to ME only. I don’t care if she accepts me, aproves of me or not. I will be ME whether she likes it or not.”
I think from that moment on there was a 360 degree shift in my thinking, how I view her and I also changed my behaviour towards her. But as it goes with any changes in life, people dont like changes, she didnt like my new attitude and strenght but guess what? I didn’t care anymore. At that point I was independent enough to live on my own and only came to visit her sometimes plus aI got involved with school.
She made a lot of remarks after that , tried to manipulated me, created drama and trouble to make me angry and then tell me: “see what I am talking about”. Some days she coursed me out and also called me up one day to tell me: “I hope that when you become a mother and have kids you dont have to go through this” also suggesting I was going to be a bad mother (that hurt very much).
Even my brother told me once: ” You have changed, you are not humble like you used to be with mom” . WOW thats what mother’s brainwashing and giving you special treatments for a lifetime does to you. They didn’t even seem happy that I, unlike my brother, decided to continue school. But of course I was already aware of the dynamic that was happening around me and in my house since little. No surprise.
People dont like change, specially when they no longer have control over you and your emotions. They can’t play with you anylonger. Now you are a grown adult who thinks and understand the crazy cycle of a dysfunctional family. This feeling of loosing control must be chaotic for them trying to get you to be the way you were before, submissive, naive and a doormat. In the process they try to bring you down to their level as much as they can but when they can’t achieve this they *sort* of start accepting you in a superfical level and are more diplomatic about it. I have succesfully (gradually) stablished new conditions, new communication style and the time I spend with them.
Its funny, to think that all of these changes happen through actions and actions only.. I never sat down with them and said: “Ok listen, things are going to be differen from now on”. NO, the way I did it was to just physically and mentally removed myself from their crazy place.
Distance and NC makes everybody involved get a new perspective on things. They start to consider the possibility that perhaps they had *something* to do with the change they see in you. They wonder why are you different? How are you managing? Why are you okay with being away and not talking? What is it in you that is drawing them to respect you? They see the change in you and then they start to adapt. This is what they used to call: ” not being humble”. talk about twisted thinking!!! To them, Having self steem equals not being humble.
I can happily report, our relationship with my mother is not perfect but has improved in a lot of ways, we are more communicative and when the fire starts I know how to handle it and not get hurt or end up arguing all over again. It does help that she is getting older and I am getting older, we are both at different stages in life where we are more mature and a bit more understanding.
It has definitely been a crazy ride but I have learned to manage.
ME
Completely mirrors my story.
If there’s anyone who sees me for who I am, it is my father. I am much like him – crazy, a little funny, intuitive, fond of smelling the roses every now and then and creative. So my deeper understanding with my father is something that irks her. Also, I guess, she had an Emotionally Unavailable father, so she finds it unacceptable that I should share such a wonderful equation with my father.
I’ve tried giving a number of excuses for her – like she sacrificed her career for us (which dad gives her due credit for) and that she’s made me capable of managing without men and yet being girly. What I couldn’t explain away was the fact that my opinion about her didn’t matter to her. It happened while I was still young. Since mom was emotionally unavailable, I was wrought with jealousy when I saw a friend of mine being pampered silly by her mother. When I brought on that topic with her she just called me a jealous ass!
She wanted me to have a successful life and be happy, or so she said. What she didn’t say was “I want you to MAKE ME HAPPY with a high powered successful life that I can brag about with people.”
Right now, I am married to a man who mirrors a lot of my mother’s behaviour towards me – from being unforgiving to calling me jealous because he can’t admit to himself that he cannot provide me that which I seek in him. I wouldn’t call him emotionally unavailable because he doesn’t disregard my feelings. Never. In fact, when he found out that I hate to be compared, he immediately apologised and hasn’t compared me unfavourable even once with anyone. But there are times when he treats me poorly openly in front of his family, sometimes even his own younger brother, which could only give the impression that I am not worthy of respect. If mom was Abridged Version Drama Queen, he is Abridged Version Drama Prince. Soon to claim the throne.
He makes poor remarks about the fact that I am emotionally independent, confident and completely capable holding my own in conversations. He is most comforting, compassionate, affectionate and genuinely happy when I am in pain and he can be my Knight In Shining Armour. He isn’t proud of the fact that I am funny and a good conversationalist, unless that means a little bit of “show off” with his friends. JUST LIKE MOM!
But what makes me wonder is the fact that does he feel the same about me? Because I share a few things of my own with his mother (great lady!) – from being overtly reverential towards elders, being too trusting with people, letting others crush our confidence, forever wanting to be in the good books, love for poetry, literature and music (things that he opens scorns :P). He too has a couple of issues with his mother, which remains unsorted because he often gets too confrontational with her. So I’m left wondering if this feeling of dating mommy reflections is a shared burden and as to whether it affects him at all or not
Wow what a journey we are on!
Once again NML sees straight to the heart of our issues:-)
My mom hates me and has made this clear since i was a baby. I was never shown any affection and as an adult she admits this blaming her own upbringing. I was not allowed to have any feelings or relationships outside the family – she would tell the parents of any potential friends that I was a bad child and they should keep their children away from me. So my abandonment issues were reinforced by having growing friendships suddenly withdraw. My dad left when I was a baby and I was allowed no contact with him. I was verbally and physically abused but still in my heart I knew it was not my fault.
As soon as I could, I fled the country and started a new life. I now have three beautiful children, a good job, an MA and am now commencing my PhD. However I, like everyone else on this site, have serious relationship issues. I have had a string of EUMs all reinforcing my belief that I am unloveable. My epiphany relationship ended up with me nearly dead at the hands of an abusive partner and thats what it took to make me see that I had serious issues. That was several years ago and I have had no serious relationships since. Although I am attractive I don’t attract men unless they are EU so I don’t bother. I wouldn’t know how to have a healthy relationship…at some level it saddens me to think that I will not have a life partner but I accept that this is the reality of the situation.
The abuse from my mother continues to this day. I have no contact and ignore letters and have changed my cell to avoid the abusive texts in which she calls me all the names under the sun..
It helps to know that I am not alone in this because society thinks that all mothers are loving and nurturing and this makes it worse for me..
Thanks again NML xxx
Right on the button about all 5 points, Nat!
Great series of posts. Very important to tie these in with the men issues. It all inter-relates.
This series is so on the nail for most of us it seems.
I could never work out why my family pattern is one of failed relationships all over the place. Honestly if I tried to draw a family tree I’d need a football pitch to fit it on there have been so many marriages and second and third relationships – almost all of them have failed. I’m 53 and until the recent 7 year long EUM had avoided serious relationships totally as I knew they would fail.
I always wondered why I have friends who had long standing and good relationships, whose parents seem happy together, whose brothers and sisters are happily in relationships (sometimes they all go on happy extended family holidays together, unthinkable in my family) – whilst my family is incapable of spending much time in the same country as each other let alone the same room, and all of us have quite serious problems emotionally and relationshipwise
I know now that we learn from our parents, they learned from theirs, and we are attracted to the familiar, so now none of this is a surprise. It’s a shame though that it takes most of us so long and such pain to realise what and why has been going on.
I’m sure you all know the poem but in the words of Philip Larkin
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
quoting NML:
“Saying you love someone or that you pushed them out of your birth canal doesn’t blackout dubious or even outrageous parenting. I’m not saying that mine or anyone’s parents didn’t love them but the style of love that comes with the whole I love you but I’m not sure I want you or I beat you but I love you or whatever it is that you experienced, is a way of teaching us as women that people who mistreat you, love you. Someone can love you but not know how to love you in a healthy manner and this creates a limited relationship because the actions are not reflected.”
just brilliant! it’s the fulcrum of everything, at least for me. super well done, NML and thank you, from the heart.
Another great post NML, im really getting a lot of the last four posts, especially the mother stuff. How did just wanting to love someone and share with someone become so dammed confused and hard! I used to think if your a nice person and do the right things, treat people kindly, its all good. Boy was I wrong !
Hard posts to read but sooo important and well worth it ! Thanks for tackling the harder issues 🙂
This whole passing on the baton thing has been a big question for me – both my grand mothers were serious (and i mean SERIOUS) drama queens – you can now do the math on who both of my parents emulate
In response to this I ran away for a whole 6 years and when I came back, I keep them at arms length because sadly as I am a product of who they are, they are also products of their parents and they didnt know better
I’ve learnt alot from the writings of Eckhart Tolle who talks about releasing the pain body and it has done alot for me not only recognising the pain continuum but also managing it….
NML as always, keep sharing and Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday Natalie and great happiness and fortune to you. Thank you for your superb work. This is a wonderful year, enjoy it.
I also would like to add I am so very glad I ordered your book No Contact – superb. To everyone out there, struggling. It gets better.
I am now using the concept of “no contact” for anyone that I feel “funny” about. Instead of pursuing them, thinking I did or said something wrong, I am letting it go and generating more space. There is an inherent risk involved in that the connection may dissipate altogether however I think it is important for me to rewire, cool out, slow down and go more within. I need to say and do less in general, send less emails and do far less pursuing especially with men. This is my work. I am working on me; finishing a book and practicing gratitude and watching my thoughts. Many thanks and happy birthday Natalie.
My mother had undiagnosed bipolar disorder – we figured this out after my sister was diagnosed – so her behavior was pretty unpredictable. Critical, withholding and neglectful you could count on, though. *sigh*
I am attracted to depressed, critical men.
My X had a Bi Polar mum as well. He was very critical, very emotional, like i could barely keep up with the moods and i believe he has problems with empathy. Connecting how what he does affects others, this makes it impossible to know him. I felt like anytime i got to apoint of feeling comfy, on stable ground or moving forwards he would throw a spanner in and break it all apart. Was horrible and sad to watch. Im not sure if he is bi polar but 2 women in his family are, i think there is definetly some depression and anxiety though and of course maybe some bad habits he has learnt from his mum? Which could be why he swings from happiness/everything is great to low/everything is wrong. So confusing.
How interesting to see that so many of us went through the same things and have biological mothers who participate in the same behaviors. It’s nice to know that we’re not “crazy” and “the only one”. 🙂
Onward, forward. 😉
I for one would like to break the taboo and just come out and say —
No, my parents did NOT love me or somehow have good intentions underneath it all.
It’s not pretty, popular, or politically correct. But it’s the truth.
They had children because it was expected of them and because they didn’t think they had an option. And my siblings and I have been punished for it every day of our lives.