I’ll admit that I’ve rarely taken relationship advice from my mother as if I had listened to what has often been outdated, claptrap that she no doubt listened to herself, I’d be married to or divorced from a Mr Unavailable, working as an accountant and wondering “What’s wrong with me?”. However sometimes, she’s inadvertently delivered some real gems that are usually sarcastically right on.
One such occasion was when I admitted I was seeing the guy with a girlfriend. Spookily she was almost an identikit version of the mother to Savannah in the book and film Waiting To Exhale, who thought the cheater was a “good man” and when I lamented the fact that he hadn’t left and how he was taking advantage of my good self, she flippantly said “Well if you had the opportunity to have your cake and eat it too, you’d eat it wouldn’t you?”
I’ll freely admit that I had myself down as a woman that was being taken advantage of and being ‘forced’ to put up with rinky dink behaviour out of ‘love’. I’d even convinced myself that it was the extraordinary circumstances of our ‘love’ that had him having to make a radical departure from what I liked to believe was his ordinarily honest self. But when my mother said those words, I smarted in embarrassment because there was something I couldn’t escape:
Yes, he was certainly hoovering up the cake like there was no tomorrow and even luxuriating in it like a pig in sh*t, but any cake he was eating was cake I was freely giving out. I was the cake, or at least my lack of boundaries and self-love were.
Would I eat the cake if it was being offered? I’d like to think not although as someone who used to say I’d never be involved with a cheat, it’s safe to say you don’t know what you’ll actually do when you have poor boundaries and self-esteem and get an ‘opportunity’ to feel deprioritised and then seek validation.
The truth is that just because ‘cake’ is offered, it doesn’t mean that the person has to avail of it. I could pass a home with the front door left open and I wouldn’t suddenly turn into a criminal and let myself in. Someone can act without enough self-respect and I wouldn’t think “Hmmm, let me see how many ways that I can exploit this opportunity.”
And there’s an important lesson in there: When you’re handing out cake left, right and centre and subsequently beating yourself up over it, it’s easy to go down the route of believing that it’s something in you that caused them to avail of it, when actually, they’re only doing what they’re predisposed to do anyway. You haven’t got that kind of power.
I’ve heard from readers who have literally been throwing themselves at someone who is flat out saying NO, backing off and even cutting contact – that’s someone who is saying “Er…thanks no thanks.” They’re uncomfortable, for whatever reasons that might be.
I’ve also heard from some that have been offering the cake and the other party isn’t taking as much as they’d like them to (although they’re still taking it) and throwing out excuses and half-hearted protests because they’re only half heartedly interested or happy to pass time with you. If you keep offering the cake in this circumstance you end up like a telemarketer that thinks they can keep rebuffing objections.
However, while it is wrong for someone to avail of the cake that arises when you have self-esteem issues, little or no boundaries, and unhealthy love habits, the responsibility ultimately does lie with you to not be providing the cake in the first place, or at least having the good sense to snatch it off the menu, or slim down the rations (create consequences).
You can go up, down, round it, whatever, and put all the focus on them in the world but people can’t eat cake that they don’t get given. The only circumstances where that’s different is if they steal the cake but that’s very different to actively participating in the name of ‘love’.
Yes you might have only been intending to give them half a slice or half a cake and they ended up stuffing in way more, but this was always a risky move, especially when you didn’t rein yourself in. Often we think that if we give out the relationship cake freely that at some point it will be ‘enough’, they’ll be sated and full, and in turn, we’ll be enough.
Instead, we get left hungry especially because people that gobble up your cake will often offer you back some crumbs in return. Cake doesn’t get matched with cake.
If they find they can keep going back to the all-you-can-eat-relationship buffet, they will until a sign goes up on the ‘establishment’ declaring it closed down or there’s been a change of menu. If you don’t like what they’re taking, it means you don’t like what you’re giving.
Don’t set yourself up to fail by giving out cake that ultimately causes you to feel devalued. Start as you mean to go on because there’s no point letting it all hang out and then trying to close the door after the horse has bolted. The tone has already been set. The type of person that will gorge themselves is the type that chances their arm by pushing the boundaries and taking big risks to see what they can get away with. If the risk pays off, they’re quids in. If it doesn’t, they’ll either seek cake elsewhere or try for a smaller piece…
It would be better when they attempt to take more cake than they should (if any at all), that they get met with your proverbial hand obstructing them – boundaries.
You’re never going to feel confident about yourself and your value if you keep waiting for others to do what you can’t even do for yourself. Don’t wait for others to ‘do the right thing’ – put the cake away. You’re good enough without having to give out all the unnecessary and rather damaging ‘extras’.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop. Image credit: Danny McL on Flickr – Pig I Shit on Hackney City Farm
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YOUR POWERFUL MESSAGE GIVEN WITH A GREAT HUMOR AND EFFECTIVE VISUALS IS VERY EFFECTIVE. HUMOR MAKE A SERIOUS MESSAGE EASIER TO ASSIMILATE. WHEN YOU SMILE YOU FEEL LESS LIKE A VICTIM!
You’re good enough without having to give out all the unnecessary and rather damaging ‘extras’.
So very true. I recently met yet another guy from the Internet.Wow did he talk a good game,came across as the perfect gent,a widower, said he looking for a new relationship and it turns out that all he wanted was sex! He actually propositioned me right there on the first date,said he’d like us to go off to a hotel for the second date! I basically told him to sod off and that’s when I saw the mean and the seedy streak.While I’m well aware that there are all sorts of perves out there and especially on the Internet,it was the first time I’d had a disturbing experience like that.
My point being that there must be plenty of women around quite happy to feed cake to guys like him,otherwise they wouldn’t be going around cockily expecting it. Which is a rather disturbing thought!
Your 2nd paragraph is right on the money. There are literally thousands of others who’d go to the hotel with him. It’s a damn unfortunate shame.
Yes, yes, yes. And important to remember that the cake isn’t just sex, it’s the more valuable stuff, that is, your presence, your attention and your genuine giving a sh*t.
I got mixed up because my AC had more money and spent more on me than any guy ever had. And because he had a high-powered job, I felt like his attention was not something he gave out lightly (a fact he reminded me of regularly). I kept hearing that my cake was getting pretty highly valued!
I first gave away the physical cake even when it didn’t feel totally right because he was offering an all-expense paid New York weekend and Caribbean vacation …. I thought, why am I denying myself? Why don’t I just have fun? Don’t I deserve it? And so I went against my promise to myself to only next have sex with someone I loved and who loved me. He asked me to look in his eyes and said, “Don’t you see fondness there?” and I took that instead. Even though I felt pressured – I mean, he flew me out on a chartered plane! How could I say no? Ugh.
But I denied what I saw, which was the “high price” I was getting for my company was something he could afford without thinking. He could drop five hundred bucks or more on a good time for ‘us’ a lot easier than he could remember to be on time to meet for a date.
I confused getting things for being valued. He was not giving cake for getting cake. I gave cake in return for some pretty interesting experiences combined with a lot of feeling like a high-priced escort.
Also, he wanted more than the cake. He wanted compliance, blind loyalty, displays of gratitude, and ready availability when he needed his arm candy or worknight snuggle buddy. He didn’t even know what the cake he was getting WAS.
Neither did I, for that matter, because I didn’t know how valuable my attention and care are. I’m still struggling not to give myself away to the memory of him, and be wasting cake I could be eating myself on obsessions.
The cake is YOU, ladies!! Your heart and mind and body.
Magnolia – The recent EUM guy I saw – and thankfully not for long and with little emotional investment – was super wealthy, and it is such a false proxy in our society for a raft of relationship-worthy attitudes and skills. Even when you know theoretically that the coin is just the coin, having a lot of money does offer a direct line to power and the exercise of power (in ways that other things like intelligence, talent and looks do not). I felt so uncomfortable when this guy threw money about (at me, at his friends, at waiters, cab drivers etc). It was the physical act of throwing it that first made me wonder what he was making up for. I was also bought, in some ways – got more involved than I should have because the shiny things distracted me and made me feel special for a moment. You see and read about some people with money being pigs – like in the picture – but to actually have someone buy your cake, and because they’re paying for it, not give you any genuine sweetness from within themselves, well, it’s simply an employment relationship, really.
(And that obsessiveness is tough for me too, but I find the thoughts come up when I am feeling tired, hungry, restless or somehow dissatisfied. Good to process things when they come up in gentle ways, but when it’s that frenetic rush of memories and theories, best to distract/ be nicer to yourself!)
“The cake is YOU, ladies!! Your heart and mind and body.”
I love this– and it makes me smile every time I say it to myself. The cake is me!
haha! Why do I feel HUNGRY for some cake after reading this post. LOL.
well my rebound dude who went back to his girlfriend informed me that he still wants to see me, even though he FINALLY got her back. said they are working on building a relationship. well mr how are you gonna do that if you are still over here? i was surprised, i told him i didnt know he was that kind of person because he pined and boo hoo’d over this chick so much. the reason they broke up in the first place was because he CHEATED AND TOLD HER and she wouldnt forgive so he broke out. now he has her back and wants to do the SAME THING. ugh. no cake, no milk, no candies or cookies. we did have breakup shags, but once I knew he was really going back and told me he was traveling to see her, that was it, i cut it off. i was hurt that he expected me to step off and be the chick in the wings. a relative told me that he only did it because of my actions and what he thought me to be like. i was offended by the relatives remark. i tried to get them to understand that its not entirely me, its him. a good dude would not do it. i wasnt stalkin, he was coming for me and still is. ugh. thanks for this, makes me feel better.
now where is my frosting….
Lovely
Tis true, there’s more subtlety to it than a pig rolling in mud. They do chase after us too. One of my exes asked me out every day for three weeks until I broke down. Another sent me 500 texts in a month. Another wrote me 10 page letters (he was a professional writer, they were good letters) and put me in a book. One of them contacted me every single day by email, IM and phone for months.
It’s very easy to get stuck thinking “but he was/is interested”. Whatever they’re offering isn’t enough or we wouldn’t be here. Unfortunately, we can’t force them to hold up their end up of the unspoken bargain. We can only control our own actions. Take your beautiful self … home and away.
Lovely One,
I hate to say it but, your relative was right. We show these people how
to treat us. Now we know better! 🙂
I love pigs. I think that’s a Gloucester Old Spot.
Even when I was offering my cake, a big part of me knew that I shouldn’t and didn’t really want to. But I had this horrible compulsion to win them over and to be “right”. I could not stop myself. That compulsion was the main driving force in kickstarting the dodgy liaisons. I was consumed by that, much more so than I was in having a proper relationship. If I’d just stopped giving, chasing, pursuing, or just waiting, the men would have just … gone back to where the heck they came from and spared me a lot of grief.
And no, it’s not just about sex. It’s the phone calls, the emails, the sympathy, the ready ear, the willingness to travel, accept their excuses etc. I look back now and think “Really ….?”
It was like a different person did it. I can hardly identify with who I was. Never. Again. I’ve got nothing to prove.
Gotta love how that porky piggy has stuffed its face and is luxuriating in mud. If some beautiful girl was offering you endless adoration and demanding nothing back, wouldn’t you take it?
@ Grace-after reading your comments I realized I was doing the exact same thing as you where-trying to win him over by giving him all my wonderful cake. Accepting all his excuses, and waiting for the day that those excuses would be resolved. I soon found out that once one “excuse” was resolved, there was always another one to take it’s place. (Talk about beating a dead horse!) I would never win him over . His marriage provided financial security, but no emotional connection, I provided that he said. The only commitment he has is to himself. He doesn’t really care about either one of us, it’s all about what he can get. He was getting cake from us both and giving us back not just crumbs but stale, moldy crumbs. Talk about gross! Ewww. That’s exactly what I need to think when I think of him that he’s nothing but a stale, moldy crumb! ha ha! Thank you for shedding some light on this for me it helps.
Women only offer cake to men who aren’t hungry in the first place:
This site is very interesting, the dork I was dating sprouted off many of the lines from your site about alphas and women, I will now stay away from people who really study that mess. There is a difference between having boundaries, standards and knowing yourself and being pathological and thinking everything is a game, I think game takes away from something that we all need in relationships and that is empathy.
Empathy is a pre-requisite for good Game.
Joe, that guy’s comments on “fat chicks” and shame are disturbing. Of course no guy ever says, “I’m hitting on you because you look like you’re desperate. I’m desperate but you look more desperate than me. If I weren’t desperate I would hit on someone I think expects more.” A guy like that is a predator.
Thanks for the reminder that self-esteem is an important self-protection from men who see your giving them cake as evidence that you suck as much as they do.
Lovely, Mag
These game players are focused on “getting” women. Not to love, they just want to win or get their end away. A testosterone, competitive thing. I read on johnshore.com (he writes an immensely popular blog on christianity and relationships) that at a basic level men crave power. Good men turn that drive to good things. Lesser men … well, we’ve experienced how that turns out.
Even when they’re trying to be “nice” they just come across as arrogant and patronising. They look down on us. I’d go as far as to say they despise us.
Stay away girls. If someone treats you like crap they do it because they don’t value you. Or themselves. Why else would you look down on someone who has sex with you or who cares about you? I don’t care how alpha he is. He’s just trying to make up for his own inadequacy and fear.
It’s not a game – this is our lives.
Don’t be disheartened. Not all men are like this. MOST aren’t or we’d be in a heap of trouble. The ones that are do go on about it so they’re more obvious. And when you come across them (not just as lovers but as bosses, colleagues, down the pub) their vile behaviour sticks in your memory long after you’ve forgotten the decent guys.
I do know plenty of lovely men of all ages and professions including “alpha” ones – barristers, engineers, scientists, venture capitalists, Oxbridge lecturers, musicians, ,teachers, even a premier league footballer. They’d be quicker than any women to tell you to dump the losers.
Grace,I really like what you’ve written there.And I also love the optimism.I need it because I’m beginning to feel that ALL men are of another species,it must have been light years ago in another life when I last came across one of those decent ones you mention. The stupid, arrogant predators are all over the place and they really get off on the power game of the conquest, which is a deceptive ploy of pretending to woo but basically it’s dine,wine,sixty nine,time and next! If only they would just cut out the crap and admit that all they want is a shag but that wouldn’t give the same thrill,I guess.
I also see a huge discrepancy between the standards we, here on BR, uphold and the general standards of dating and relationship in the world out there, which are shoddier than ever.We’re waaay ahead of the posse because we’re enlightened.And sometimes when out dating,I feel as though I’m babysitting in a kindergarten or being invited to roll around in the proverbial s***e like our little piggy above and being viewed as a silly spoilsport because that’s not what I had in mind.Has anybody else felt like that?
Everytime I come to this site it affirms my belief in how it should be: values,integrity,mutual respect, but the jungle that is the real world has a hell of a lot of catching up to do.
I think what lies underneath men who treat women like things or something to conquer are men who have been hurt by women who have rejected them in the past, so this is how they deal with their hurt and anger, they take it out on the next woman and the next and on and on it goes. They prey on women who’s boundaries are easily broken and their relationship habits tend to be unhealthy are self destructive. They go for the weak, easy target, a desperate woman. And they themselves are desperate too. They know that they don’t have to be respectful, caring and have both feet in to get a woman, because there are plenty of women out there who settle for crumbs they have found. And they don’t have what it takes to give of themselves in a real relationship, so they take the easy road and look for easy targets. Women who don’t think enough of themselves in the first place so they tolerate shoddy treatment and will accept whatever crap they dish out because they don’t think that they can get anyone better.
“I need it because I’m beginning to feel that ALL men are of another species.”
Men are very different from women. That’s a basic truism.
People who deny that are doing both men and women a great dis-service.
Very true! My mother said about my ex-AC, “Sounds like he really kind of hates women.” Real men love and appreciate women and I totally agree that they aren’t looking down on the ones that are sleeping with them/care about them.
Dawn,I wish I could believe that it’s only the deviants who prey on women, but,unfortunately,those kind of games have long been seen as the norm.Men are back slapped and championed,ok mainly by fellow men, for being red blooded and having a full on libido.There are many women also who pay no heed,considering it the way of the world, humoring it even,as you would sometimes with a bold child. Many,otherwise perfectly normal guys, admit to being guilty of caddish behaviour at some point.
I’m not trying to be all holier than thou here.I would be very much of the liberal agenda and have no problem with people doing whatever they fancy doing.It’s the deceptiveness that I have a problem with and the normalising of bad behaviour.Like I said before,everyone on this site seems much more enlightened than the general public out there.
I’ll let blogger Susan Walsh explain why Game is an absolute necessity for men.
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/03/21/relationshipstrategies/why-we-shit-test/
WJ
I skimmed it. But I see that when she was a teenager she dumped her boyfriend for crying about his father’s funeral.
Talk about emotionally unavailable.
People who are uncomfortable with emotions in others and in themselves are EU. Whether they are men or women. We’re not THAT different.
Well, IMO that type of behavior is absolute crap…just more of the same garbage I abhor. Thanks for sharing with us more of the SOS somewomen and men are doing and calling is love and self-protection and whatever label they wish to plain old dishonest games. Their agenda is NOT my own and I thank the light I don’t manipulate that way.
Magnolia,
I’m trying to get him to relax before he either hurts himself (most likely) or someone else as well (that would be really tragic).
Bear in mind that most guys in his position pose no threat to anyone but themselves.
The George Sodinis are the exception rather than the rule.
The encouraging thing is that he wants to change and to relax. To enjoy life and stop being so needy. I think he has a good chance of doing that – even if he never has a girlfriend.
The vast majority of predators are not social outcasts at all. They are charming, popular and socially-skilled men.
Workshy Joe, I see that you’ve reduced things back to ‘games’ again and while I sort of see your point about the fact that *some* men do play games, not all men do. Games are for lazy people that take shortcuts. They’re not looking for a mutually fulfilling relationship – they’re looking to hoodwink, manipulate, circumvent, obstruct, deceive – you get the idea. They’re not ‘necessary’ – they’re a crutch.
I also think that it’s too great a generalisation to make that most pose only danger to themselves – danger is a subjective thing and as is often the case with people that play games, it’s the other person who is sucked in by their games that feels the impact of their actions.
The one thing I do agree with you on is that “The vast majority of predators are not social outcasts at all. They are charming, popular and socially-skilled men.” Or should I say they *seem* popular and socially skilled but are defunct in the emotional and relationship smarts department so it’s like the lights are on but nobody’s home.
Nat
Lights on, nobody home – yep. I dated an uber player for nearly a year. Sporty, City lawyer, part-time model, fantastically good looking, well-dressed and immensely popular. But I spent a few evenings with him and his two male flatmates and realised that compared to them he was … empty. His friends were genuinely interesting and interested. He seemed more of a good looking shell. I remember thinking “Gosh, I wish he was more like them”. Even though they were not as good looking or “cool”, there was just more to them.
“Games are for lazy people that take shortcuts. ”
I couldn’t agree with this more. People who play games lack integrity. A prime example. My exH is playing games with me at the moment or trying to, why? Because he wants every single cent he can get out of me. He doesn’t care that he has a disabled son that lives with me. He just wants his money (his words) and he will make my life miserable until he gets what he wants (his words)
Why does he want the money more than his sons welfare and stability? Because he wants out of debt, but he got himself into debt in the first place. Is that my responsibility?
Games are for cowards with a sense of entitlement so huge it usually doesn’t match what’s in their trousers!
It makes me feel sick!
Leigh, there isn’t much that shocks me but your ex husbands selfishness is truly abominable. I wouldn’t engage with him and make sure you have a lawyer that acts in yours and your sons best interests. He will think he can intimidate you and the best thing is not to engage with him and only have discussions about money with third parties there. I have one reader who went through something similar and she found it best for her solicitors to specify written terms of engagement because her then husband kept abusing the opportunity to engage with her, intimidate her and then be all ‘poor me’ when they had meetings. His solicitor then saw that he was indeed completely overstepping the mark and was able to rein him in. Games are manipulation – that is exactly what your ex husband is attempting. Twit!
Nat,
Thanks so much. I had such a terrible time of it yesterday.
I’ve got a solicitor and I have followed her instruction and tried to sort this financial settlement element out as two individuals but unfortunately he is hell bent on destroying his family because of his sense of entitlement and his need to not want to be the loser.
Any mention of games by people really is a trigger for me. I have tried to be fair and not played games but it looks like I have to get real, get tough and start being mean. My exH hasn’t even got a solicitor himself, he used mine throughout our divorce. Well, he’s about to need one I don’t intend to hand him my life and his sons stability on a plate!
I don’t deserve to be emotionally abused and I don’t need to accept it. It’s time to protect myself.
Thanks again!
Leigh,
standing firm for what’s right, reasonable, just, respectful etc. is never mean. Don’t even let the word cross your mind, even as hyperbole. I wish you courage and luck.
Thanks Cavewoman!
You’re right, it’s not mean it’s just me not letting him bust up the boundaries!
It’s not being mean at all! You’re protecting your son and building a future for both of you. You’re acting with honour and integrity! I really admire your courage. Best of luck! 🙂
I fucking love it. *COLLAPSE*
(For real though, he needs to go somewhere else with that bullshit.)
Telling men that “women who S**t Test are Emotionally Unavailable” and NAWALT (Not All Women Are Like That) just isn’t realistic.
I can see how this would play out in practice.
One of your female readers goes on a date with a guy, she tests his frame (unconsciously, in all likelihood), he fails to recognize that she is testing his frame and he either gets angry with her (FAIL) or he tries to jump through her hoops (FAIL).
If he gets angry, she’ll think he’s an idiot and therefore unsuitable for her.
If he tries to go along with what she says, she’ll think there is “no chemistry” between them even though he was physically attractive enough to go out with in the first place.
Susan Walsh is hip to Game. So is Kezia Noble:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_v551iAkiQ&
I just wish more women had a grasp of these concepts and were able to give useful advice.
Workshy Joe, this “I just wish more women had a grasp of these concepts and were able to give useful advice.” made me laugh. Loudly. Wouldn’t it be easier to go and bump hips with Susan and Kezia instead of trying to turn a topic that’s not about game into something about game while implying that the advice isn’t useful? I always find something of value in your comments Workshy Joe although you missed it on this one but I suspect that if I wrote a post about how many times a day I go for a shit, you’d manage to twist that to suit your own agenda of promoting the game agenda.
Thanks Natalie for responding to him. I just find him and his game followers awful. It is good to know such stuff is out there though. Since I’m slim bordering skinny, I guess I won’t run in to the likes of those guys but who knows. Yikes. I just cringe when I read his stuff. OMG! Please tell me guys don’t think like that. Oh dear lord.
Nat, Joe has found his role models already; I personally don’t see why he bothers coming to this site at all since he obviously hasn’t learned a thing nor intends to learn here. He appears to just enjoy being a full-on instigator. I would say more but it would be terribly impolite and useless. I think engaging with people like him is like strewing pearls before swine. They can’t appreciate them, use them, and can’t digest them.
I agree Leisha, I think Joe is poking us for fun and to get someone to read his blog.
My first thought about this young man is that he is on a dangerous path. Obviously to himself, he mentioned numerous times about his deep depression, but also a potential danger to the poor woman who either finally does engage with him or who might reject him. He referred to them as future ‘cruel women’ without any self reflection that wishing overweight women were easier targets and not seeing how cruel that is to other human beings….the woman kind. He sounds like he is full of self pity and rage. Instead of getting him to relax so he may ‘get some’ and that will heal what ails him, he needs to see a therapist. He is completely lost. No amount of ‘pussy’ ( what women are being reduced to in this interaction) is going to help this lost soul. Except maybe a ‘pussy’ with a masters degree in psychology. As always your contribution is educational. Game playing is deceptive and a truly underhanded way of getting what you want. It is also cowardly and the power felt from winning the game is an illusion. Being real and honest requires honesty and facing your fears. That is powerful, in both sexes. The sexes are different but we are still both human.
“I just wish more women had a grasp of these concepts and were able to give useful advice.”
BS!
Leigh
Aw, I hope this hasn’t rattled you too much. These “concepts” have no bearing on your situation. My heart went out to you when I heard about your dilemma. Get the help that you need from the professionals. Every day, lawyers deal with crapola that your ex spews out. You don’t have to do it alone. You’ll be surprised how these people can back down when faced with someone they can’t bully – a judge for instance. Good luck with those games in court, mate.
As far as I’ve looked at “these concepts” I think WJ has misjudged his audience. We’ve been played, we’ve played games ourselves. That’s how we’ve ended up in dire situations. Why would we be interested in “concepts” that promote more game- playing? I suppose a person might argue that some of this stuff could be useful to us but there’s too much bollox to sort through.
Nowadays, I take my relationship advice from good rolemodels, inculding men. Especially men in fact. Not because men have special insight but because I need to know that men get it. And plenty do. I’d be an idiot to listen to men or women who treat relationships/dating as a game or a war zone with scores and league tables, and classifying people as alpha or omega or whatever. Brave New World wasn’t actually saying that’s a good thing. It’s avoiding the real problem and at worst, people get hurt. Including the people doing it. That’t not a game.
All this nonsense – NLP, game, system, The Rules (women do it too) has come and it will go. To get preachy on you, 2000 years ago the Apostle Paul (actually a cantankerous git and not very sentimental) said … “and so abides faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love. Amen”. 2000 years and still standing. Stuff that in your silly cake and eat it.
I didn’t have the fortitude to take a look at this article (from reading the comments it sounds delightful), but I remember last year, before I’d found Natalie, searching around online for dating advice and coming across an article (I think it was from Askmen.com, but I don’t remember) that was basically a primer on how to use someone for a booty call situation. The article started off something like, “Maybe she’s not all that, maybe she snorts when she laughs.” and went on to describe how to basically throw crumbs at the woman that’s not quite “good enough” to keep the steady sex stream flowing. I was so disgusted and what horrified me even more was that the assclowns of the world can read this drivel and say, “Yup, I’m not that bad. This is the way of the world.”
Now that I’m thinking of it, I recall that it started, “Maybe she has bad skin, maybe she snorts when she laughs. Maybe she’s just not all that.” Disgusting. I like Paul’s way much better haha!
Workshy Joe:
The women here are SICK & TIRED of games. We’ve learned/We’re learning more than enough from this site about how to spot dirtb….. sorry, “game players”, and steer clear away from them. I’d say more, but this particular subject angers me to my core, so I’m done for now. :-/
Reading all this just confirms my belief – game players finish last (it may not look like it – but they do) and they usually are alone at the end.
This (the “games”) sounds like a bunch of toddlers running around the playground in elementary school – hit her if you like her crap!
I do believe it…… what goes aoround comes around, we might not get to see it, but eventually it does. i.e. my exAC was angry at the mother of his child cause “she” turned his son against him, he was going to school near the AC as he was enrolled there when he saw his dad (the AC). He called the school and asked why his son could still go there if he didn’t live with him – the son got kicked out. Guess what? Mom moved the kid out of the city 60 miles away and the AC does not see his kid at all. BACKFIRE!!!
What goes around comes around!!!
This is very true. You cannot even give an unavailable person an icing flower if you see what I’m getting at.
I think it’s important to trust your instincts when you start to smell an assclown. If I’m honest, I have to admit that I often knew it from the moment I met these various guys, and yet I went along with getting to know them anyway because I didn’t have concrete proof. This is the equivalent of giving just a bit of cake; before you know it, the whole thing’s gone.
I do think this needed to be learned the hard way so that I can feel comfortable in trusting my judgement now. Important not to be hard on yourself.
More than sex, I consider my cake to be my self worth. I can sleep with a guy and be ok, but with an EUM/AC, somehow my self worth was gone before I knew it. Our gut is so valuable, I learned my lesson but boy did it hurt!!!
Now that I started dating again, I’m moving slowly, cautiously and only if it feels good. Most of all I’m treating men as I’d like to be treated, and to dump an AC as soon as I smell the bacon.
Thank GOD I’m off to a birthday party after reading this post. I’m allergic to flour, but I just want to LOOK at a cake now haha! Anyway, very true about setting the tone. In my last disaster of an involvement, I had been giving the cake away and then tried to ration it to someone who was used to gorging himself at “Natasha’s Bakery: Poor Decisions Served Hot ‘N Fresh”. Well, it just doesn’t work like that – not at all. Once the tone was set, in my case, it was like “You know how I roll, open up the buffet or I’m out.” Followed by, “You’d better apologize for not taking my bs while simultaneously rolling around nude and covered in icing on my doorstep. If you don’t, it’s friends for you. ” That’s when it’s time to close up the shop and hang up the apron!
P.s. LOVE the Waiting To Exhale example!! One of my favorite things to say after having a few cocktails with my girlfriends is, “But I still look gooooooood.”
Nat
I heartily agree that they don’t HAVE to take it.
When I had broken up with my ex for nearly a year (in theory a long enough time), I tried a dating service which arranges dinners for singles. I went along and a man there was completely smitten by me. I saw it in his eyes as soon as he looked at me. He was very sweet, playing host, got me drinks, introduced me to his friends. Afterwards, I got a follow up call from the “matchmaker” with the opportunity to meet him again. And I said … no. I knew I was still in love with the ex and that while I could string this guy along for company (I’d just moved to London and was desperately lonely and heartbroken) I realised it wasn’t the right thing to do. That was the start of my journey to emotional availability. An earlier time and I possibly would have gone along with it, chalking up another crappy relationship, guilt and a further delay in healing.
Don’t blame yourself too much girls. He doesn’t HAVE to chase you, flatter you, promise you stuff, disappear, come back, blow cold, blow hot, fib, avoid you, pursue you again. He chooses to do that. And you, though you may not realise it yet, have the power to choose what’s best for you, ie not him. Kick him to the curb.
PS applies to all genders and sexual orientations.
Grace: Don’t blame yourself too much girls. He doesn’t HAVE to chase you, flatter you, promise you stuff, disappear, come back, blow cold, blow hot, fib, avoid you, pursue you again. He chooses to do that. And you, though you may not realise it yet, have the power to choose what’s best for you, ie not him. Kick him to the curb.
I enjoy reading your replies. I find them very encouraging and in step with what Natalie writes.
I have been reading and re-reading Natalie’s books (especially Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl and The No Contact Rule). Until I found this site while looking for information on the NCR, and then began to learn more about myself as a Fallback Girl and how to start overcoming this and break things off with the MM, I had no clue-but now that I am learning more about myself and these types of relationships and how to get out of them and avoid them in the first place, it is getting easier to put the focus of my thoughts and actions on myself and stay NC. I don’t want to be like the pig in the picture (even though I do like pigs). I have put a copy of the picture with my cell phone so that I have a visual reminder of what not to end up being. (also my phone’s ringer is off so that I do not take his calls or reply to his texts). I would block the number but my carrier doesn’t provide that service. I am thinking about changing the number, but he doesn’t call/text too often.
Almost a year of providing cake to the MM, trying to be the exception to the rule. Today I said “thanks but no thanks.” Then ironically I read this article!! Am laughing hysterically with tears running down my face.
Thank you so very much Natalie for your wisdom and support of us “exceptional” women as we get it that we are worthy of having a relationship in the light (instead of the shadows.)
OMG Nat! That picture alone is worth a thousand words. Hilarious. I’ll laugh about that for a week. Thank you!
“It is like a different person did it”. I gave away so much care, availability, attention, forgiveness etc. that there’s no way he could think he actually earned and deserved it all. He actually voluntarily stopped accepting the ‘shoulder to cry on’ cake, saying it wasn’t fair to me.
It’s really confusing to live inauthentically… Once I saw I was giving too much, I started setting arbitrary and rigid boundaries elsewhere. It was this weird tit-for-tat game I improvised in order to avoid feeling compromised and exploited. Which I continued to feel anyway. Like I refused to call him, he was the one to call me. It was “the least he could do”, I figured, was to make that effort, but surprisingly that effort didn’t magically translate into all the other efforts he still wasn’t making! Or when (in response to being downgraded to ‘friends first and foremost’) I took sex off the table, as if that was going to make things more equitable!
Apparently, I dished out generous servings of EU behavior on the side with the cake. I was feeling controlled, but instead of freeing myself, I tried to control back. All of which was just complicated, stressful, and joyless. A bizarre chess game of dysfunction. It doesn’t look like anybody won. (Does disappearance by one party count as a forfeit?)
Guess what?! I made it through two months of no contact!! I no longer feel the same about him, my boundaries are up. He tried to break them but I asserted my boundaries. Shocking most to me is the desire is no longer there for him or for a relationship. He’s scrambling trying to adjust and break my boundaries LOL.
In other news, I think the overall message of this post is to not be an enabler. You don’t have to “fed” these men or their egos. And you definitely don’t have to put up with their BS. Don’t be pathetic just because ‘you love him’. He doesn’t care, trust me else he wouldn’t be treating you this way.
Don’t be pathetic just because ‘you love him’. So true – So true, stay strong Cindy.
This establishment has taken the cake off the menu and the all-you-can-eat-relationship buffet has closed for business for good. I always heard the having your cake and eat it too analogy but I never believed it was true or at least I didn’t want to believe it was true. Thus, I learned the hard way. It’s true. Some folks will eat the cake. The only relationship advice I can remember from my mother was something about a cow and free milk. I didn’t like being analogized with a cow so I didn’t follow her advice either. Looks like she was right too.
I realized that I didn’t like what I was giving away…myself…!
Thanks Natalie.
runner
She had a point but it’s not very life affirming or positive. How much better to model for your children a healthy marriage of your own. With respect, give and take, mutual sacrifice, consistency, fun and other good things (I didn’t experience). My teenage niece has a lovely boyfriend, gentle, funny, very accomplished and musical. I’m quite sure her parents have never told her anything to do with cows. Rather to value herself, her body, her plans, do well, treat people well, stand up for what you believe in, work hard, be kind. Her whole family (apart from my parents, lol) have taught her that. Her life is so warm and secure.
What Nat’s mother said is right, and what your mother said is right but it takes a lot more than a few pithy remarks to set your children up for life. HOWEVER, what they didn’t do for us, we can do for ourselves.
Runner,
My mothers advice to me was “don’t let them play the piano.” Well I can tell you I let the MM eat the cake play the piano and form a frikken orchestra!
One of my best moments with him was when I said “I can’t sleep with you you’re MARRIED!”
I’ve stuck to that and NC – what a relief!
Grace, your niece is so fortunate to have warm, loving, healthy role models in her life. A few pithy comments doesn’t make for healthy adult relationships even if they are right.
Leigh, I like the piano analogy better than the cow. I guess it doesn’t matter what metaphor is used there are people who are selfish and will get their needs met at others expense. I know it sounds absurdly naive but I didn’t really believe it until it happened. He didn’t have cloven hooves, horns, or a tail. Of course, I contributed by continuing to bake the cake in typical fallback girl style in the hopes he’d get full on my cake and recognize how much better my cake was than what he was getting at home. It’s funny, I had the same moment. Even though I knew he was married from the beginning, there was that moment when I realized he was MARRIED. Then I noticed his cloven hooves.
I got sucked into a pseudo relationships which was more emotional than physical, then you feel like well they must really be into me because there was no sex at first. He had a lot of money so spending it was no big deal. He also always called when he said he would. The catch he was a MM and the wife was living away while he was waiting for his job to end up here. So I guess I was his cake, until he went home and it hurts. I broke NC (via text) the Thursday before Easter and he contacted me within minutes (never made me wait), told me it was good to hear from me and to stay in touch. Then he called me on Easter to wish me a Happy Easter. He wants to leave the door open so that when he come back (he has a house here, so he will need to come back at some time), he wants more cake. I think most of the ACs I have been with played games , made me wait to hear from them or didn’t return my call for days, so I mistook his behavior for true caring, but in reality all of them including him wanted their cake and wanted to eat it too. Thank God for this blog. Natalie, you are an angel and I think maybe clairvoyant. Whenever I am tempted to break NC,
the perfect post arrive in mailbox
Hey Nevertoolate,
Be careful with the door to the bakery. I broke NC after about three months via text and immediately recieved a reply which led to a phone conversation which led nowhere. He was always good about calling when he said he would and responding. But I can see now I sent the message that the door was ajar so he continued to knock and every once in a while, I’d get curious and take a peak. That sent a further message that the door was ajar and before I realized what was happening, I was engaging with him from a distance. Is all he wanted was to know if he could get back in and get some more cake.
All the wonderful folks on this site kept suggesting I better bolt the door. Natalie finally got through with the following advice. I don’t know if it applies to you.
“Runnergirl, I’ve read your comments over the last few weeks and I’m reminded of one of my favourite movie lines of all time from Whoopi Goldberg in ‘Ghost’ – “Molly, you’re in danger girl”.
I say this to you as someone who is rooting for you and wants you to get to the other side of this, but yes, “Runnergirl, you’re in danger girl”.Most of that danger is from you, as to be honest, he’s freakishly predictable like most Mr Unavailables. He might do the odd new step in the dance, but pretty much the dance is still the same. You are engaging with this man from a distance. It doesn’t matter whether you choose to do NC or the ‘traditional’ breakup with ‘It’s over’, sayonara and meaning it, you *have* to mean whatever you’re doing and commit to your decision.
Do not bullshit yourself because it will trap you in denial and your feelings for much longer. Yes the truth hurts, but to be honest with you, so does prolonging the agony with the man that won’t put up or shut the eff up. The key with this isn’t about trying to get him to revolutionise the wheel and suddenly drop his ego, consider your feelings etc – the key is to meet him with a closed door. That can be silence, that can be saying you’re not interested and engaging in no further discussion, and better still, a closed door is getting on with your life and moving on.
With that tenacity of a cockroach after a nuclear bomb, any and all attention from you is perceived as attention – he doesn’t give two shits about the *quality* of it, and unfortunately *you’re* selling yourself short on rinky dinky pathetic…
Thank you! I really need this wake up call. I think the hardest part of this and I don’t get it, is if I wasn’t interested and lived half way across the country, I just wouldn’t answer back. I think this is how they give us this false hope. The answering back I kind of get. But calling a couple of days later on his own, what’s up with that? Why do they, is an ego stoke worth it? Anyway, once again if it wasn’t for all of you this dance would go on for ever. Hopefully, I can stay strong and maintain NC. Runnergirl, you are the BEST!
A week ago I was re reading some old posts, when I came across one where I was prolific in writing comments about exEUM, how embarrassing there I am literally throwing my cake at him, wanting him to still eat more after he had cheated on me, talk about not knowing my own value. I did back then end up taking the cake of the menu after 6 months of trying to force feed him but all I did in that 6 months was re make the cake for when he was ready to eat again and eat again he did. Even as recent as this year I was still trying to get him to eat cake after he had declined anymore, this time now the cake is off the menu permantly, I have decided to look at me and re make the recipe with one that includes a value.
I’d like you hug you for this specific post… I’ve been in this cake handout place for a while now and trust me, it took me a long time to take the cake, extras and anything else off the menu and shut shop. After reading this post, I honestly feel like I’ve made a good decision. 🙂
So, thank you!
REALITY CHECK pleeeeeeease!!!!!In a nut shell I met l6 and married 18 to first boyfriend.Who then proceeded to (have since learnt) like a narcissistic swine for the next 30 years. I was uncerimoniously dumped even though I was like the ultimate doormat ( I thought I was showing love and care). Im english living in small european town with 3 grown kids . Suffice to say Id got to the point where his criticism was so bad Id even thought or bleaching my face!!!!!!!!!!!as he thought it was too dark and ugly. Im white by the way.Brainwashed wasnt int it!!!!!!!!!!! I mus have been to believe all that crap when I think about it now!!!!!!! 2 Years on my own Ive come a long way thanks to this site. I now know it has nothing to do with me and all about his issues. The thing is l0 months ago some man started pursuing me . Wanting phone number staring etc. I finally gave in.Hes a policeman by the way.2 months ago we went out only to be informed hes mm and not going to leave her. I was stunned but god Id liked this guy for l0 months and wanted to by this time. I fancied a bit of cake myself after 2years lol. I dont know why its against everything iwould have done. The going out actually was to the sea front!! lonely spot and he tried it on. He phoned in the beginning twice a week now its once a week. He hasnt given me his number and never has sent a text. I see him often passing in squad car but apart from a smile does not acknowledge me as he says its a small town.!!!!!God it sounds so pathetic when Im writing it. What the hell am I doing. I didnt seem to get love and affection as a wife and now I dont seem to get it even as the other woman/girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone in this small town thinks I m a lovely person kind and caring. What the hell am I doing wrong Natalie. ???? I see you other girl s get holidays and god knows what all I cant even get a phone call only 2 months in to the relationship, Weve only met up twice by the way. Yes having cake and eating it for him. Im in my late forties and the second man in my life cant seem to love me either. I thought Im not going to my grave having only been with one guy and the biggest swine at that!!!!How can I get some respect from people.Even giving cake doesnt help.!!!!!
Sunny
You’re not in a relationship, you’re in an affair with a MM. and not even much of an affair. I narrowly escaped one so I’ve been there myself. I escaped by telling myself “He’s married, he’s not your boyfriend. Don’t expect him to call, show up, love you. He’e married. Etc.”
The squad car, the phone calls, the seafront etc is just a distraction. He’s married.
Married.
What do you want him to do? Leave his wife? Lose the house? Wreck his reputation?
He’s married. He can’t be with you without moving some serious sh!t. He can’t even call you, so that ain’t happening.
Married.
Cut. Your. Losses. Now.
You can endure the short term pain by cutting contact with him-for the long term gain- work on your self respect. People will only treat you with respect, love, and caring if you present yourself as that kind of person. Which means you don’t settle for an affair with a MM.\
You deserve way better treatment. You are worth it.
HE IS MARRIED. Enough said.
Been there done that, still feeling the pain and its sooooo not worth it. Best thing to say is come back to you when he is not married.
Wow, talk about timing. As silly as it may sound, I’ve been giving away “the cake” freely for 4, going on 5, years to my ex. I’m so used to doing it with everyone around me, giving cake in exchange for crumbs that I’m scared that if I stop giving the cake…I won’t have anyone to give anything to. But I guess that people who would leave just because you stop giving them cake to take weren’t meant to be there anyway.
Fab post! I am so embarrassed at how much cake ! gave!! He was even living with me and i had to ask him (and i do not lie) about ten times to contribute financially whilst living with me. He always had an excuse,” oh the banks ATM wasnt working!” (there are about ten ATM’s where I lived) He did all the EUM/AC/N behaviours then too, oh i feel mortified. Sky TV, washing his clothes, eating my food, drinking my alcohol, parking his bike in my garage, being weird and all quiet when my family around, didn’t make eye contact with them – guilty conscience? Meanwhile his bank account was getting fatter, he had a lovely spotless flat, fancy car, fancy motorbike and watched me struggle – cannot believe people would use good decent people. RED FLAGS were everywhere! (I was single parent and struggling financially – he had plenty money!) Oh dear a hard lesson for me! But I see it all now (hence the feeling mortified) and have learned so much from NML and all you guys. And I got crumbs, when it was a birthday, Christmas i got the most awful silly presents, nothing he gave me seemed “personal”. Hey no wonder he didn’t put much effort in – I was doing it all! For crumbs. I am typing this through laughter at the cheek of this particular pig
Wish there was a “like” button on here – because when I read some of the comments I want to shout out Yes yes me too!
Suffice to say, he hasn’t had any cake for nearly 4 months, but STILL trying to contact me! Aargh the nerve of the guy! He knows now that “I ain’t coming out to play now”.
Thanks Nat and all you lovely people on here, you have all been my saviour! Feel so different about me now, in a really good way, much more positive, and my self esteem/confidence is growing. My “cake” is now reserved for my children, and friends/family who all deserve it.
Wow! My think my exH and the exMM both wanted their cake. They certainly got it. I gave it to them so willingly!
My ex wanted someone who would take all the responsibility finacially and emotionally – only to complain about it and that I wasn’t doing good enough. Yet he was the one to run when the going got tough. I willingly assumed the role of mother, wife, banker, job hunter, and nappy changer! I short changed myself with him!
The exMM wanted a lover because he wasn’t getting enough sex at home. He was still getting some, but not enough. Along comes Miss Victoria Sandwich (me) and I provided the jam and the cream. Yep I was his cream tea – the raisin scone cream induced sweetness that would provide him with all the ego stroking he needed plus a good dose of sex. Man if I were a cake shop I would be a multimillionaire coz my victoria sammich is the best on the planet! 😉
Self esteem issues, perhaps? I did have. Now I’m hungry and I want my own Victoria Sammich with heaps of jam and cream! And the only person that’s going to eat it is myself! If I pile on the love pounds, who cares? At least I’ll have hips to die for and a healthy appetite!
Someone else’s husband can’t be your boyfriend.
You’re right that giving cake doesn’t help, if you are giving to people who are not available to love you.
Definitely coming out of a troubled 30 year marriage warrants therapy, and I assume if you are in this situation with a married man that you have low self-esteem–which I do and most here probably will agree they do as well or at least did.
I hope you get the help you need, work on yourself, and thrive as an individual first, free of any other person so that you will not settle for less than you deserve. Easier said that done, but better done than not done. I wish you well.
Grace, Dawn and jupiter23 thanks so much for your comments. Grace I agree that he has too much to risk and I wouldnt ask such a thing of him which is why I ask myself what am I doing. It happened to me and I wouldnt put some other poor woman through it.jupiter23 I would have loved therapy as I didnt know who the hell I was after my marriage but he left me with nothing and couldnt afford it. This site became my therapy. I stayed on my own 2 years to work on myself and wasnt looking for some one whe he started pursuing me. for lO months. Hes having his cake and eating it while I get the crumbs. Its how tobreak away thats the hard part and why im doing this to myself.!! But thanks again
Again an amazing article. I saw a MM for a long time. He sucked me in and told me he loved me etc etc. 7 months ago I finally told him I could no longer see him, it was very hard to do because I thought I loved him. I withdrew the crumbs and he was quite nasty to me. He made me feel so guilty. He has now moved away from the area thank goodness. However before he left he still kept up with telling me he loved me and was hurting so much and would miss me too much to go etc etc. But no I am not that girl anymore who offers crumbs to a man who is full. Thanks Natalie
Nat – this and your last post have really resonated with me. Your line about “the all-you-can-eat relationship buffet” was utterly brilliant. It made me laugh outright, but also wince in recognition that this one seven letter phrase summarizes my entire romantic history. It is a perfect metaphor that will stick in my head as I move forward like a glaring neon sign. It will be my own red flag to myself, that when I catch myself laying out one dish after another, it’s time to up the price or close down the cafe. Thank you!!
I can certainly relate to this. I have had a history of giving away too much cake, especially in the form of being helpful, doing someone’s errands, helping out financially, etc. And I have no one to blame but me, because I am the one who offers to be so “helpful” in the first place. I guess I equate feeling needed with feeling loved. And then, of course, it becomes expected, and they start asking me. Then I feel resentful for being taken advantage of. It’s insane.
The last guy I dated had no problem eating the cake I offered, and still acting like an asshole when it suited him. I finally got tired of letting him jerk me around, and so I mistakenly thought I could fix the problem by us sitting down and talking it out. I thought he would hear me, and magically morph into a decent person. He was completely disconnected and distant the entire time, hardly saying a word. It was very eye-opening for me to realize he didn’t really care.
That taught me a huge lesson about feeding my cake to pigs, or casting my pearls before swine!
“I’ve also heard from some that have been offering the cake and the other party isn’t taking as much as they’d like them to (although they’re still taking it) and throwing out excuses and half-hearted protests because they’re only half heartedly interested or happy to pass time with you.”
This was me. 7 weeks NC (he forced my hand by avoiding making b-day plans with me while assuring me that he was not pushing me away and then when I called him on it, it ended). So, certainly wasn’t the ending I was hoping for. I gave away slabs of cake and no matter how I decorated it, it wasn’t the right flavor for him. He ate it when he was hungry but it wasn’t really what he liked, he wanted creme brulet but it wasn’t on offer. I feel like it is getting harder. Having to deal with my own culpability in this and see the mercenary nature of his actions (when I wanted to believe so desperately that there was something real there, anything, that I wasn’t just a tool, a means to an end) is almost to much to bare. I feel like I can’t breathe. He didn’t eat anything that wasn’t on offer and it was on offer for 3 years. I loved him and I still miss him and I can barely get my head around what has happened. I told a male friend I used to date more of the story last night and he said without batting an eyelash, “he was a predator, he sized you up right away and knew what he needed to do to get what he wanted at the time, nothing more, nothing less. He knew he was never going to have a relationship with you. His tenderness that you saw glimpses of, it wasn’t for you, it was never for you, he wasn’t feeling it”. Cake all over my face. And everyone told me, the whole way along but I knew better and I was too busy baking to really listen.
Oh Lisa. How did you do it? You’ve taken my words and posted them on BR!
“I feel like I can’t breathe. He didn’t eat anything that wasn’t on offer and it was on offer for 3 years. I loved him and I still miss him and I can barely get my head around what has happened.”
I’ve been a reader for several months now and yet haven’t made any comments. I just don’t know what to say. Your post pretty much sums it up. Thanks.
OMG….Regarding this photo of the pig indulging blissfully in slop….
Right on target Natalie. And makes me laugh, thank you! I think that’s why I eagerly get online to read Baggage Reclaim. (I left home for a remote part of Maine so I could recharge my spirit…finally found a Starbucks so I can get online and read your blog.)
I didn’t listen to my mother either (because she didn’t warn me about any of this sh*t)…Now as a “mature” woman back in the dating world, I am earning my (painful) Master’s in: The Men’s Play Book.
The real test will be my next relationship. Thank you for this blog and all the women (including me) you have connected through it!
“Someone left the cake out in the rain. But I don’t think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it. And I’ll never have that recipe again.”
That song makes me think of those times when the cake on offer goes unappreciated.
This is a hilarious video on how to avoid getting played (or giving cake). Warning, she talks really fast.
I don’t agree with a few points (she’s very young) but otherwise she’s nailed “one time in bandcamp”, “florence-ing”, “blowing hot”, though she doesn’t use those same terms.
I am definitely saving this page to my favorites!
I don’t know how many times I have come here to read posts from Baggage Reclaim.
After becoming involved with a man who seemed like a “Mr. Wonderful” for about 3 weeks, I then had the ‘rug pulled out from under me’ as Natalie has said in other blogs……..and began to do some searching. At first I thought I had a “Mr. Unavailable” and that was all, then I came to realize over a few more months (yes I was that stupid) that I have an outright Player!!
Yikes did I really do that??? Ugh! Me?? A church girl?? A mother of three?? The “nice” girl?
Yes, I surely did. I guess I am very naieve to have believed this man. I was married to an emotionally abusive man for nearly 20 years. This was my first relationship after my marriage. Wow! Did it have to be with a Player??
Apparently it did. I have to take responsiblity. I agreed. I allowed it. I let him in. I did not follow my gut or my intuition! I did not listen to a warning or ‘rumors’ of him being a ladie’s man. I chose to believe what I wanted. by that time he had already ‘hooked’ me.
I have learned SO much though! Thank you Natalie for your blogs! I feel empowered now! Now I accept that his is an AC! I accept that he is a Player! I accept that he is Emotionally Unavailable! And I will NOT allow him in my life again.
He will not have any of this cake anymore! No matter what he does! No matter what he says!
Thank you Natalie! You helped shed some much needed light to a very confused, hurt, and heart broken woman going through a very difficult time in my life.
We are learning healthy relating habits here. We support and encourage each other. We don’t come to this site to learn more hurtful ways of engagement nor endeavor to fool ourselves. We seek to grow. Some people just don’t “get it” and that is too bad. Keep up the flow Natalie.
Another good one. After the on-off guy from high school, someone told me that it was all my fault. I got pissed that she put ALL of the onus on me. However, even though he was a creepy dirtbag assclown and probably still is, I had some fault too for allowing things to go on as long as they did. So while she pissed me off (she’s a woman hater and loves men and we’re no longer friends), I recognized that part of it was my fault.
I don’t want to be sloppy seconds ever again. Unlike the pig in the picture, I prefer to roll around in a clean/snug/warm bed being solo & happy, not in a pile of stinky dirty shit with someone else. 😐
It’s amazing to me how sometimes I can be feeling down, check in with your blog and read a story about just what I’m going through or realizing. Amazing.
Over the last 48 hours I have been recognizing just what a cake giver I have been for a guy I thought was my friend. It has gelled that practically the only times I hear from him or see him has to do with work. And while we might engage in long, “deep” conversations he is not interested in all of me at all.
It is heartbreaking to realize that – once again – you are being seen as someone to pass time with rather than build a relationship with by a guy you thought cared/was interested. When you saw a friendship.
It is humiliating to realize that you have chased after someone – yet again – because of their initial strong interest which became a roller coaster and being treated like a yo-yo.
As much as I hate to see others going through the same it is a bit comforting in a way to recognize that, at least in this, I am not alone. And there is hope.
Thanks.
I have decided not to have sex with any one I have been dating until I am good friends first, no red flags have been raised and my heart/brain give it an absolute yes. I’ll masturbate in the meanwhile. I ain’t giving up my cake. I hated it when my mother said the old ‘cow and free milk” stuff. She was in an abusive relationship, and wasn’t exactly a great role model for marital bliss. But, I have to grudgingly admit it, a couple of decades later, she was right….I’m done being used and played. Also, now that I’m middle-aged and have a very young niece – I feel protective towards her and understand how my mother felt when I was that age. She doesn’t get it that she is a piece of meat to players out there – they just want to chew her up and spit her out. I tried the casual sex thing – it doesn’t work for me and i’m sure, many women. I’m sure there are some exceptions though.
I think the cake analogy works for friendships too. This weekend i found out that a friend of mine, who spent christmas at my home, who i thought i was close to, has decided to withdraw from me and a number of our other mutual friends, in a really disrespectful way, with no explaination. Ordinarily i would have chased for a reason and communicated my annoyance, but now, thanks to this site, i have placed a high value on my cake (me, my friendship, etc) so if someone has decided to act like a total prat, so be it – they miss out on my cake from now on. There is no need to seek retribution, to argue the toss, to try to convince them that they’re losing out, to punish them. NO MORE CAKE! And that is punishment enough in my eyes. The same goes for relationships – there is no need to tell ACs that they have hurt you, because they don’t care. There is no need to tell them that they won’t be getting any more cake, because NC will communicate that loud and clear. There is no need to tell them that they are a disgrace to humanity, because they either already know it, or they refuse to believe it.
As for the game playing thing: yes it is possible to play games and some people find it essential to maintaining relationships, but these people are of no interest to me – they just come across as complete douchebags. I am always completely myself, with values and boundaries intact, i haven’t the energy nor inclination to engage with people who don’t function in the same way. IMO, you don’t need to play games if you really know who you are.
Firstly i want to say thank you NML for the wonderful articles and inspiration. The last 2 are god sent as its what i am going through right now. I thought i was in the start of a great relationship, seeing him 4 months, always called, seeing him regular, laugh together it seems like we were good friends also. Then when i asked him last week how he saw our friendship relationship progressing, he told me he likes how the way things are, he does not want to be in a relationship right now, he needs to find himself.
Years ago i would have just went with it, hoping he would change his mind.
But from reading your blog and taking inspiration from the other wonderful advise on here, I can not be that person anymore.
So I am very proud of myself, i feel i behaved with dignity. i told him that i would no longer be sleeping with him and seeing him and i have stuck to it. I thanked him for being honest. But I hope to find a relationship with someone who wants the same as me, love, friendship, progression ect and how it was selfish of him to be finding himself on my time.
But it does hurt. So thank you once again, just what i needed. confirming that i have made the right and loving choice for me.
What Minky said: NO MORE CAKE! And that is punishment enough in my eyes. The same goes for relationships – there is no need to tell ACs (or EU MM) that they have hurt you, because they don’t care. There is no need to tell them that they won’t be getting any more cake, because NC will communicate that loud and clear.
This goes along with something that Grace was very encouraging in replying to me in the NC vs Disappearing post, that it is ok to not go into explanations beyond not wanting to be the OW and then stay NC.
Thank you for stating this as I feel that my MM has been catching me out with needing me to explain why I am no longer taking his calls, replying to texts, or seeing him. (I had gone NC the first time for 6 weeks when he called me at work, on the business line, and wanted to see me to talk, I did see him again and stated my position on not wanting to be OW and then back to NC. After 3 months of NC he stopped by the office on his break and told me he misplaced my business card and could he get another-No. He did not get another. He then left a message on my cell phone that he had something important to tell me, and we met up. Turns out it was not important at all-just missed you. He had a good laugh about tricking me. I am now NC again (for the 2nd time) and have learned each time not to fall for meeting him and now not to fall for something important to tell me. I do feel that since I have gone for long periods between contacts and learned something each time by my agreeing to see him, (and thus I broke NC ), that I have nothing more to discuss or talk with him about and going cold turkey to end the non existant relationship and sticking to NC will be something I can and will be sticking with for the long haul (as in permanent now). Natalie is so right that the fire does burn, and I no longer want to be blackend cake. No friendship cake, either. Thanks to all the ladies for the support, and for Natalie in her awesome posts that do come at the right time.
I’m so glad I came across this today. I’m currently pregnant by an AC, who decided to leave me and move in with another woman. All he has done is beg me not to f up his situation, and not “act crazy”. He’s gone from one extreme to another, from wanting this child to saying my “behavior” is pushing him away. Apparently he has been seeing this woman for quite some time. Her main concern was whether or not he would still be involved with her when she learned of my pregnancy. The last straw was when he told me he might be with me after I deliver if I lost my pregnancy weight and got down to 150 lbs. I’m so unhappy. This is supposed to be a happy time and its not, and I just keep blaming myself for being so blind.
Ugh! broke ” No Contact”….but something good came out of it……..found my x and sometime friend on Facebook character. He has molded himself into a pumped up caricature of a “Jersey Shore” hunk. I hardly recognized him.
Of course in the background of photo was his unmade bed ( gross).
He used to have his friends pics on his page , now its just him, and a very large photo at that.
I was totally detracted……no more Fallback Girl for me…..His narcissism is a total turn off.
This post is hilarious and ironic to me because the first time I met the assclown I dated, we were eating cake and he made a comment like “This is so good” or something. So I offered him the rest of mine as I couldn’t finish it. He said something like “Can I?” and I handed it to him and he eagerly ate the rest. While there’s nothing wrong with this, I was kind of taken aback and just stared at him as he wolfed it down. 9/10 people would have declined out of politeness, or what cake symbolizes or whatever, and something about the way he asked for it and took it just gave me this unsettling feeling. The sense of entitlement and greed he showed in that small interaction is actually a symbol of what our dynamic ended up being, and of course what kind of person he is.
WOW!! Thank you for this…
I too have been giving ‘cake’ freely! ALL awesome information and nice to know I’m not alone. I’ve never been one to give it all away for so little in return…but there is always that ‘someone’ who gets you. Yep, an EU, Intelligent, endearing and believable…Well no more cake for you PIGGY! I have broken ALL contact and even changed my number. *Squeel* I’m so done with it and value myself so much more… I deserve better and so do ALL of you!!! 😉
Been there, done that. Funny how it seems to make so much sense, be the right choice–at the time! These ACs know just the right words and how to manipulate our feelings/gain our trust. I too bought into it hook, line and sinker. Thanks, Neptuna, for sharing your experience and for the encouragement. I too am back to guarding not only the cake, but even more importantly, the heart!
I hear all of you. I only found this site a couple of days ago – but am I glad I did. I have literally just come back from the worst date from hell – indeed it was funny going in there with the knowledge of the things from this blog site, but mostly it was disturbing that all the bad things happened to be revealed as truth.
I was chased and pursued daily with stories of me being the one and love, only to have the guy try it on me specifically after I told him my boundaries and that I am not into that much physical stuff – especially on a first date.
It turns out – when he got the message – and took a long time sorting himself out in the bathroom he wasn’t so interested in conversation or me – his phone seemed great, and he wanted to know when I wanted to go home! Guys who needs them!!