If you want more commitment and they don’t, you have to gauge whether it’s because it’s too soon or because they’re commitment resistant.
When your ‘schedules’ are at odds, depending on the timeline, it may be that you’re exerting unnecessary pressure (impatience) which leads to you potentially appearing emotionally demanding.
Pace is subjective though which is why it’s good to have discussions about your perception of anything that’s very important before it becomes the white elephant in the room. If it’s unrealistic, it can be sanity checked against your partner.
If you expect anything like moving in, marriage, babies, buying a property (big ticket commitment items) in under a year timeframe, this must be communicated (not demanded, argued, wheedled, etc) to your partner.
Don’t assume that because you’re in love and want these things that they ‘should’ too. Also avoid the ‘I’m in my 30s/40s/50s/They’re in their 30s/40s/50s’ so they should know that this is what I want’ route – you’re not dating yourself and this is also lazy communication, i.e expecting them to pick up telepathically or via tension.
You need to get vulnerable and broach the subject or seize the opportunity when the subject arises to communicate your position while at the same time, listening to and understanding your partners position – empathy.
Avoid having these discussions off the back of negative situations because if the only time you ever talk about where your relationship is headed is through tension, it creates negative associations. I’d also keep the volume of discussions to a minimum – you find you talk about this stuff a lot when something is awry whether it’s communication or fundamental commitment issues.
Let’s take wanting to get married when your relationship is under a year old. You either need to assess the soundness of your expectation and/or be very open and upfront. While you run the risk that your expectations may be too much, you can’t have it both ways. Which is better – Being upfront or simmering with expectation and eventually resentment because it hasn’t materialised?
If you both ultimately want the same thing, find a solution that you can both live with – compromise. Discuss each others perspective and see how you can synchronise your schedules. They may have ideas about where they need to be at or things that need to be sorted out in their own life in the meantime – find out where they’re coming from.
If something’s that important that you can’t risk letting your relationship develop enough to let conversations arise naturally and as a part of the progression, the onus is on you to raise your head above the parapet and speak up.
If frustration, anxiety and tension are likely to arise within the relationship, they have a right to know your expectations otherwise you’re potentially setting them up to fail a test they didn’t know they were taking.
Sanity check your expectations by having an honest conversation with yourself:
What are my expectations based on – this relationship or the prescribed relationship that I see myself in regardless of who it is? If it’s the latter, you’re treading on dangerous ground because you’ll end up communicating to your partner that you want this commitment regardless of the quality of relationship and who you’re with.
Is this schedule a joint agenda or am I pushing my own? If it’s yours, you’re not looking at the needs of the relationship; you’re focused on your needs, which is fine for understanding your position and values, but not so good if you’re not considering your partner or assuming what makes you happy will make them happy will make make the relationship happy.
Am I trying to get them to make me the exception to their rule of behaviour? If they’ve communicated that they don’t want what you’re looking for or you’ve been in several relationships with similar types of people pushing for similar things, you’re setting yourself up to fail. Again.
What do I think this commitment is going to tell me about my relationship or me? You get a real sense of where you’re at and what your view of commitment and healthy relationships looks like. If you’re trying to assuage insecurity with commitment, you’re starting a painful slide down a slippery slope
It’s best to upgrade your level of commitment with a view to enhancing an already great relationship – don’t upgrade commitment in an attempt to make a shit relationship better – it’s like trying to use a hammer where you should be using a drill.
Prior to seeking this commitment, can I honestly say that I’m in a mutually fulfilling healthy relationship with love, care, trust, and respect in it? Use these questions if there is any doubt and if you’re not, I suggest you focus on addressing the concerns in your relationship first. If this is a casual relationship, I’d save your breath and move on.
Is it the right time? If you’re going to broach the subject of commitment or even imply that something should be happening by now, make sure that someone hasn’t just died or they haven’t lost their job.
Have I already broached the subject? I don’t mean hinting, I mean an actual open discussion. If you have, what didn’t you get from that conversation? Whatever that is, it’s what you need to achieve in the next conversation otherwise these are redundant discussions.
If you’ve discussed this subject numerous times, you likely have your answer, you just don’t want to accept it whether it’s because they’ve made it clear it’s not happening, they’ve become difficult in each discussion, or they’ve said when they see things happening and you don’t agree with it. Have you put your cards on the table?
The danger is that we can become very focused on our ‘investment’ and it starts to feel like we’ve put in too much time and energy to walk away, but I don’t suggest that you flog that proverbial donkey until it collapses by discussing the crappola out of commitment.
Know your limit and know your comfort levels and acknowledge if it wouldn’t work for you to be in this relationship beyond a certain time without a certain level of commitment – there is nothing wrong with this. Your needs are valid. You can communicate this to them but I’d avoid making it an ultimatum, especially if you’ve made them before…and not followed through.
If your relationship has been going on for more than a couple of years or they’ve actually stated that certain things would happen, that’s not impatience – it’s wanting to know where you stand.
If you’re making decisions about other aspects of your life such as buying a home or moving away and you don’t feel you can make those decisions comfortably without them/knowing ‘what’s next’, calmly explain your position (or resolve to put these plans on hold until you feel your relationship has enough in it if it’s still relatively new) and see where they’re at. You may be afraid of what their answer may be, but it’s better to know. If they say go ahead, do so. It doesn’t necessarily signal the end of the relationship but it is telling you that they’re not ready to make that commitment which tells you where you’re really at.
If knowing where they’re at changes how you feel, it’s understandable but it allows you to move on with your life. If you’re in a mutually fulfilling relationship, it should be a mutual upgrade. Anything else has that horse to water feel.
Your thoughts?
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Right again Nat “If you’re in a mutually fulfilling relationship, it should be a mutual upgrade.” AND it goes both ways. Communicating your need to slow down as well – not just dealing with where you stand. Communication is key. Slow down does not mean no – not ever – it can mean not just yet – as long as its an honest communication. I did that with hubby before we were to move in together. I backed off the move in and communicated my need to do that as I still felt that scared twinge and I wanted to be excited. He understood and gave me that time but only because I communicated that need. When he actually did move in ( a few months later) it was exciting not scary and that was what I wanted to feel. Its been great ever since especially since he does the dishes! Love that. I don’t mind cooking but having two in the kitchen can be lots of fun! Key words – positive honest communication – it is essential.
This is a good one. Never needed advice like this before but will definitely save this for future reference IF someone happens to come along. Also good advice to save just in case my friends need it.
Hi NML,
I still struggle with a part of what happend in my last relationship for a few reasons. Generally in relationships i let things move slowly and im never in any rush to move in, get engaged or married, mostly also because im not a person who even wants to get married or have children. So i let things move and work thermselves out. If i see things not moving i work it out at the time. But in my last relationship the guy set HUGE expectations up, like you said in the past he was a fast forwarder, future faker and a bunch of other things. Anyway what gets me about the whole situations is that when these things didnt manifest or the goal posts changed, it was me who had the problem!! I was told I was putting pressure on, I expected to much,i had expectations. Even my therapist said “you shouldnt have expectations, you should allow more time and so forth”
All the while i kept repeating to everyone BUT I DIDNT SET ALL THESE EXPECTATIONS UP ! How can you not feel a sense of a let down or at least that this person has been lying to you? i think i had a right to question and be angry. Afterall everyone seemed to forget that this was MY LIFE to, not just his!
I know this might sound odd but i felt almost tricked into being the bad guy? im not sure if that makes sense?
For instance on a smaller scale thing, he also told me when we 1st met he didnt drink coffee he only drank tea. I thought sure, whatever, i mean like im going to care whether someon drinks tea or coffee? But then towards the end of our relationship i could smell coffee on his breathe. Obviously you ask the normal question, “hey are you drinking coffee”? He lied and no. I was dumbfounded! then he spent the next three months going for coffee with co -workers and lieing to me about it. God only knows what he was saying to them? Then making it seem like i was this controlling person who would not let him drink coffee.
Its like he would set things up, id think none the wiser then he would turn it into some huge drama where he was some victim and i was demonised.
Im not sure what that is or if there is name for it but boy it still can make me furious.
Is it that someone people are so messed up that they just need to create a…
Hey Trinity, I recognise where you’re at. I had one of those too. It’s like a control thing through lying. Or maybe to them lying isn’t important.
I dunno. Anyway, there’s no point even trying to understand it. It just drives you crazy as it’s so ‘out there’. Best thing is to just switch off and think ‘whatever’; don’t engage with it.
There’s nothing wrong with you hun. You just got caught up with someone who loves telling lies. When you see it like that, it’s actually not that complicated. We just kind of complicate things up for ourselves trying to understand something more complex than what it actually is.
Steph you’re right it is a control thing and there is absolutely no point in trying to figure it out.
Good advice 🙂
It just got me thinking about the whole thing as i was reading the article and i thought WTF ? all over again 🙂
Hi Trinity. I am with you in all that you say. I identify with you very strongly. I was also with a future faker for eight months and was actually asked ‘Can you see yourself living here(in his house)?’as well as many similar promises which led me to begin to form expectations. I began to rescue myself when I realised that no action ever followed any of his suggestions and through participating in this blog. The fact that I actually felt as though I was going mad still resonates with me. I went through all the crap you mention of blaming myself or doubting I had actually heard him properly. NC has cleared my mind. What Natalie says above about previous relationships vis a vis’Was I trying to make myself an exception to his rule of behaviour’. I was, I truly was. This was a guy who had been emotionally unavailable all his life but felt he could promise a future to get what he wanted. I spend time figuring it out now ONLY in relation to myself. I could not fathom him.Waste of energy. My first duty is to continue to fathom me to improve the quality of my relationships with others.x
Ha, it’s like an alcoholic that’s clearly been out all night drinking. You ask if he’s been drinking (with beer smell on his breath) and he says No. They do that and it confuses the shit out of you, makes you second guess yourself. It’s easier to say no (I guess they assume it’ll shut you up) than to say yes and face any possible consequences or “bitching” from you.
This type of behavior you’re describing reminds me of the old ‘Peanuts’ comic where Lucy used to always ask offer to hold the ball for Charlie so he could kick it. Then as he ran up to kick it, she’d pull it away, and he’d go flying onto his back.
Yes I too have had men set me up similarly. It’s quite confusing and frustrating and then you look back and think, what just happened??
Trinity –
He lied to you, plain and simple. Yes you have a right to be angry, but there is no point in trying to figure it out beyond that. You now know what to look out for in future and so have learned something valuable.
What he did was wrong – you know that. You know that he future faked, either because he overestimated his interest, or becuase he’s scum!
Anger is inevitable, but holding onto it is not good. I was very angry about my ex EUM, but once i got to the point of indifference, i felt so free!
I thought I was being impatient for a long time until I noticed his fear of being reluctant to label things and how there was always obstacles thrown up to prevent us from being together. When I put my foot down about being “friends with benefits” is when s**t really hit the fan and I knew that him and I were not after the same things long term.
I am talking about a man who would always express how he wanted children, to get married, etc, etc. What I didn’t realize is he wasn’t talking about me.
With EUM, things can be made out to be our faults when if you take time to take a hard look at things, you can see through the smoke and mirrors.
Mutually fulfilling relationship. Sounds almost….like a foreign concept! Natalie you’re a role model for what this can be like. I don’t personally know of many relationships where this is the situation. One thing I am keeping in mind is I do not have to be perfect in order to have a relationship. But mutually fulfilling….that is something to look forward to.
Trinity, I struggled with similar angst with my dysfunctional relationship. It was a joint effort, no doubt, but he certainly amped up the stakes, by doing things like referring me to my family and even strangers as his fiancee, by talking about kids, by finding a place for us, by promising an engagement ring. Then he did the classic scale back, and when I tried to discuss our expectations, as I could sense the withdrawal, and even suggested we take some pressure off and get to having a normal relationship without, what NML calls ‘the big commitment items’, he just wasn’t up for it. He said that he knew I was fixated on him being my husband and he didn’t want to be. It was infuriating. But now, with time and distance, it all seems pretty immature and silly, and the bits that hurt me, I put down to human frailty and fear. Men (and women) who have it in them to build something with you don’t get floored by these mismatches in timetables. They talk about it, they give the other person the benefit of the doubt (who hasn’t pinned hopes to someone a little too early, and then needed to resettle into something more sustainable?), and if it’s really not happening, they take some responsibility for setting up expectations, or at least show that underyling love and affection in some other way. I think what kills us about these relationships ending isn’t always that we didn’t get what we wanted (though that’s part of it), it’s that there wasn’t that essential respect that defies category. But, Trinity, you really won’t care as much soon enough, so act like you don’t care as much now until that feels real. I remember at BR reader said that to me: learn your lessons and move on. You can lose your sh*t, replaying these scenes.
I had a bit of an issue with ‘upgrading’ a couple of weeks ago. My bloke and i have been together nearly four months and things have been brilliant, but i was getting into a tizzy because we had not said the ‘L’ word to each other yet. I was really winding myself up about it, and thinking in terms of ‘timeframes’: ‘it has been so many number of weeks, surely X, Y and Z should have happened by now!’. But then i decided to stop being stupid and thought, ‘hey, i feel this way and i’m just going to say it!’. Thankfully he felt the same!
I think having a timeframe is a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand it gives you goals and an idea of where you want to go in life, but on the other, if you make it too prescriptive, it can end up causing resentment if you don’t communicate what you want and don’t bear in mind that the other person might have a different timeframe to you. I did the whole ‘timeframe’ thing in my previous, healthy, relationship, but my timeframe was according to what society and family expected and not what i really wanted. I am now living my life according to MY values and not other people’s.
Re my bloke, he has the same values as me, we seem to be moving along at the same pace, with the same expectations for the relationship. If we differ, we still manage to compromise, so that it works – for example, i really want to travel for a few months and he doesn’t, but he will wait for me while i go and do my thing and we’ve talked about keeping in touch while i’m away. We haven’t properly dicsussed anything longer term than that, but we both agree that it’s still early days! 🙂
I have never held to the notion that there is a time frame for relationships. I don’t believe you have to have sex on the third date, be living together by 6 months and married after 1 year. For me, at least in some of the healthier relationships I have been in, we were synched up well. We both wanted to live together, then get married. There was no pressure, no ultimatums.
With the AC, of course, no rules applied. But in thinking about it, I can see that I began to feel insecure after a time, once the golden beginning had faded and he was no longer future faking or putting everything into it. At that point, suddenly the landmarks of the relationship began to mean more to me. I got jealous of other women he was paying more attention to. I wanted the overt signs of “coupledom” that I thought would allieviate my fears. I was moving forward in my relationship delusion, unaware that he was not in the relationship at all. That’s not a conflict of commitment, that’s being on two separate planets. I just didn’t realize it at the time (or accept it once I did).
If a relationship is healthy, you talk about stuff naturally. No one freaks out and if both parties are in it, there shouldn’t be anything you can’t discuss calmly. If the relationship is unhealthy, if one or more people are assclowns, there is an enormous amount not being said. In his case, not saying it meant he could later claim deniability. In my case, not saying it meant I could cling to the delusion a few days longer.
I used to consider myself a modern, confident woman, who would have looked down her nose at those who demand a proposal or tell their men to step up or get lost. I thought they were desperate and needy. Now I see that they might be people with good self-esteem who don’t want to waste time in dead-end relationships. Timing is the key. If you are issuing the ultimatum on the third date, you are insane. If you have waited 3 years and there is still nothing (and you want to get married), it might be insane to keep waiting in the hope he’ll magically change.
It occurs to me that we wouldn’t put up with such mis-aligned communication in any other sphere of our lives.
I mean if your boss revisited the terms of your contract without telling you or you were promised a promotion and it was never mentioned again…you would do something about it. If your child was promised a trip at school and it was cancelled at the last minute you’d make a phone call to find out what was going on…What is it about these guys that makes us reticent to clarify and challenge our situations? I think I had entered into a pact with myself, fairly unhealthy….to not rock the boat too much. I believed the early hype and then lived off later verbal crumbs.This is definitely not the way I am in other areas of my life. It’s a huge and at times difficult learning curve to me that I allowed it to persist in my recent EUM relationship.
lynda
if my experience is typical your non-romantic life may not be as rosy as you think it is. even though mine looked pretty good, when I finally addressed my EUM issues I realised that there were other areas of my life that could do with a tune up. It wasn’t anything major. Anyone observing my life wouldn’t notice a big difference but work, friends, colleague, even the commute to work, family I handle with much less stress, anxiety and second-guessing. I can barely bring myself to care what anyone thinks of me anymore, which is wonderfully freeing. But, get this, people actually like me more! I feel so much more spontaneous, sociable and, yes, happy.
It’s a steep learning curve but absolutely rewarding with no downside at all. Onward and upwards!
Thanks for the tip to reflect Grace.There is a member of my immediate family who I rescue/continue to ‘Florence ‘and I’m working through my need to do this. I think that any disfunctional relationships I’ve been in hearken back to this model. I took refuge in caring/taking responsibility.
Like you though, I generally care less as I get older (I’m 45)about what everybody thinks towards me in the sense that I can live with dislike or disinterest. It’s great to be liked but only if the person gets what you are authentically about. If a relationship puzzles me, at work, a friendship,neighbour I find now that I give it time to unravel. We all operate on so much assumptions…trying to leave them behind in our dealings with others I think is a lifetime’s work. It’s rewarding work though.
Re the EUM, he got to me, if I ‘m being honest he gets to me still, despite NC. Some days plain sailing, other days choppy water. I ‘m pressing on. Thanks again, I love your comments. Inspiring.