In parts one through four, I explained how having unhealthy love habits, including being involved with unavailable people who offer the least likely prospect of a committed relationship and people who seek to take advantage and abuse our boundaries, is due to dating reflections of our parents. In part four, I covered four big lessons I’ve learned about healing from emotionally unavailable parents that help you gain perspective. And now, in this final part, I share some last lessons. I also share possible next steps you can take with breaking the cycle of your relationship pattern.
We have to grow up.
I had to stop being the five-year-old that couldn’t comprehend her father not visiting the hospital or, in later years, just not being around and disappointing me. I had to stop being nervous of my mother and create boundaries. Becoming a grown-up also meant not acting like a teenager scared of criticism but also desperately seeking validation and approval. No more looking for confirmation that I was loveable and doing things ‘right’ at last.
I went back to university when I was twenty-three. The idea was that I’d prove that I could get a degree. I’d prove I was the Good and Lovable Daughter my mother wanted, not a disappointment or a failure. I finished my degree and waited for the amazing feeling and the sense of accomplishment to arrive. My mum uttered words I’d wanted to hear for so long; she was proud of me. Coupled with declarations of love, I should have been skipping around with validation joy. Instead, I felt nothing.
Feeling nothing only made me feel worse. I was so angry with myself initially because I really wanted this ‘feeling’. And then one day it hit me. I didn’t feel anything because I’d done the degree for the wrong reasons. I also no longer needed or wanted the approval and validation I’d yearned for. It’s my job to validate and approve of myself.
If you’re trapped in an unhealthy cycle with one or both of your parents, a primary means of breaking it is allowing yourself to grow up.
You’ve got to nurture that child within you. At the same time, you’ve got to bring it into the present with your updated perspective. This way, you can own your experience. You get to reclaim your power.
Often in my adult interactions with my parents, I haven’t been my actual adult age. Instead, I’ve reverted to being a nervous teen. In speaking with various readers, I know I’m not alone. They become moody, petulant teenagers and fawning five-year-olds. Some have screaming rows that reduce them to feeling like they’re having a tantrum.
I’ve said it many times: if we want a situation to change, it’s our own change we have to deal with. We cannot control others.
I’ve reached the conclusion that my mother’s been ‘her way’ for over half a century. If she’s comfy and happy with the results, I’m not going to hound her out of her comfort zone. Likewise, my father can get all nostalgic about when I was a little girl that literally hung off his coattails in admiration. He can pretend that there’s no problem and that he hadn’t, hasn’t, deeply hurt me.
My reality, though, is different. I’m not comfortable playing roles that they’re comfortable with me playing, so I’m going to be me. If our relationship can evolve out of that, great. It has, to a degree, (with my dad). But if my having boundaries doesn’t work for my parents, I’m okay with continuing to raise my adult self without them around me.
Hold up your end of things by making sure that you don’t facilitate the pattern with your parents by playing your learned role in the dynamic and ultimately acting like a child.
We’re all too old to have the level of expectation that we do from either of our parents. We can’t get that time back and quite frankly, much like when you try to tell a Mr/Miss Unavailable or assclown the who, what, where, when and whys of where you’re at and what you think, you are wasting time. You could talk till you’re blue in the face but people see and hear whatever the hell they want. Stop trying to control people’s opinions of you.
We have to make peace with ourselves.
I had no idea how angry I was with both of my parents until I went through the recovery process from my illness and it was explained to me that I really needed to clear the anger and forgive. Forgive what?, I thought. Even starting to think, though, about some of the long-buried memories made me feel like elephants were standing on my chest and that my head was being squeezed between clamps.
I wanted to run from the room. But I stayed and, actually, acknowledged that:
- I was hurt
- I was really bloody pissed off
- I had a right to be hurt and pissed off, but
- My parents were and are not infallible and that
- The anger and hurt derailing and debilitating me was a wake-up call.
I won’t lie, there was no complicated process for me about letting go of my anger.
Until I acknowledged that I was angry and hurt, I not only didn’t realise that I carried around these burdens but that they dictated my level of emotional availability and how I behaved in my relationships.
Imagine all the things you’re pissed off with your parents about; all the things that hurt, that frustrate you, the disappointments. Now imagine each and every individual thing is an item of clothing. How much of this stuff can you walk around with before you feel hot, clammy, overburdened, laden down, trapped, weighty, defeated, or it’s difficult to walk or breathe?
Much like when I’ve talked about letting go of excess baggage and getting down to hand baggage, there is really only so much you can hold onto. You can try and carry all of this stuff with you all the time, but what is the point?
This is not to say that many of these things that happened to me aren’t hurtful and don’t raise an occasional grit of the teeth from me, but they don’t have power and effect in my present day. Or I strive to keep it to the minimum when they do. My parents may not have emotionally schooled me that well. Still, as an adult, I’m responsible for all of my relationship insanity with assclowns and Mr Unavailables.
Take each item; inspect it; ask yourself how it changed your perception of you; give it some perspective, and make peace with yourself about it.
When I went through some of my stuff, like remembering buying my mother a gift at the Christmas fair when I was fourteen and her laughing like crazy at me and ridiculing it(you cannot make this shit up!), I actually hadn’t realised how that memory had stuck or how much it hurt. If you’re curious, it was a wooden crafted ornament.
Thinking about it from the perspective of a fourteen-year-old insecure teen desperate for her mother’s love, approval, and just one day where she wouldn’t critique me, the rejection stings. I felt very hurt because not only did she laugh at me, she compared my gift to my brother’s and kept bringing up the gift long into my twenties. I felt like an idiot, but I also felt like some sort of idiotic black sheep. Every year after that, I felt panicked about buying gifts and spent silly money trying to please her, scared each time of her reaction. Even when she started to compliment my gifts, I felt wary. It took me a long time to stop worrying about giving gifts to anyone. I thought it was the money, not the thought that counts.
The truth will set your emotions free so that you can heal, grow and move forward.
But thinking about it when I was 28 or 33 now, with some perspective and experience behind me, I realised how ridiculous and uncaring it was for a mother to treat her child in that way. It’s actually laughable. I doubt she even realised how it came across, not then, or during the many years that she continued to bring it up. The incident, though, reflects on her, not me.
I thought about the gifts or just things I’d done for people, not because I expected something but just because I wanted to. And I knew I wasn’t an idiot or unworthy. Her reaction just isn’t your ‘average’ way of reacting to being given a gift. While she didn’t have to do cartwheels, it was ungrateful and unkind. By the same token, I realised I had to stop taking it to heart and either give wholeheartedly or not at all. Over the years, I’ve got better. I stopped overspending on gifts and buying from an anxious place. In fact, I’ve gone with a less-is-more approach. If she doesn’t like the gift(s) or my approach, that’s fine with me.
So, you might be thinking, But I’m angry! How can I move on?! Or, Okay, but how do I go about breaking my pattern? Help is at hand.
If you desire a mutually fulfilling loving relationship, yet your pattern is emotionally unavailable people, there’s a reason for this.
Let’s be clear: it’s not because you’re not good enough. It’s not even that there are no good people left to date, although I get that dating apps can be a pain in the bum. There is something going on behind the scenes – your emotional baggage.
Unaddressed, your emotional baggage creates the gap between what you say you need and want and the partners you choose. These old patterns and beliefs can be incredibly disruptive and destructive to your self-esteem and relationships. Of course, you can’t change what you don’t know about. It’s why so many people have frustrating and painful relationship patterns. They keep trying to get and avoid the same things. But you can change this.
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Ah Nat. I wish I’d read this yesterday. But it’s ok cos I read it this morning.
Two days ago, I announced to the majority of my family that my lovely partner and I are getting married. All my friends are thrilled for us. They know we’ve finally found someone lovely finally with respect and all the things that real love is. But my mother is still ringing my ex husband and talking about me in negative detrimental ways. She tells him I am abusing her.
And I ‘abused’ her by telling her how angry I was to find out she was badmouthing me to my ex husband. This in turn confirms to my ex that I am all the things he wants to think I am. And who gets it in the neck? My children do.
So I ask her to stop. But she swears blind that she’s not doing it. She ‘never’ talks about me she says. I know that’s rubbish. I tell my parents I don’t actually trust them and remove myself from this triangle of stupidity, but still she continues ringing him and badmouthing me. Whilst in a mediation session with my ex the other day, bingo… out it comes.
My mother apparently is crying to my older sister over the phone. She does not know what they’ve done apparently even though she actually does but she won’t admit it. Maybe she never will.
So because I haven’t told my parents that I’m getting married, all hell breaks loose. My sister has finished our relationship and somehow made the issue all about her – which initially horrified me and I behaved like a 5 yr old in my email to her. My mother continues her manipulation of other people. My father is too scared to put his foot down with her behaviour and she will never be responsible for herself or her actions. It’s ok, I get it.
Meanwhile the irony is that the mediation got through to my ex husband and he’s actually being pleasant to me for the first time in nearly 3 years. I’ve just got custody of my children for 5 days a week and two weekends a month, so they will be happy with that… this to allow and help my ex to get a job and get back on his feet.
Whilst I realise this has involved self sacrifice, I feel there is a huge difference between ‘bending over’ and ‘bowing down’…
So I had my hissy fit yesterday and this morning I read this. I have awarded Oscars – one for myself to for best production.. and I have moved on.
I validate me. And if they want to come along for the ride, that’s up to them. So far, it appears not.
Here’s to the future and stepping forwards not backwards.
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Wow the timing of this blog is ridiculous! I just spent all day helping my mother pack and move. Mind you, I rarely hear from that woman and I rarely call her because of her negative attitude so to get the call to help her “move some clothes” actually it was the entire house and not even packed up, on my day off from work, I seethed with rage that I felt obligated to help her. My sister and her daughter lived in the same apt bldg and didn’t help pack shit.
When we finally moved the three of them in (yes the three peas in a pod moved in together) my mother decided to cook a dinner for us, but when my sister and neice returned from the old apt to the new, the vibe changed significantly and I politely made my dam exit but not without letting my mother know I that I was leaving due to the funkiness that just entered the abode and that I did nothing to my sister or her bitchy daughter so I didn’t know what their problem was but I refused to stay somewhere where I was made to feel uncomfortable.
I’ve grown in leaps and bounds because in the past I would’ve stayed there feeling uneasy just so no one in the family had a reason to talk bad about me for leaving. Enough was enough. Quite surprisingly my mother apologized on their behalf something she had never done when it came down to me. I was the daughter who always raised a ruckus with the family–that’s because I was the only one balsy enough to speak up.
I was so angry driving home, almost to tears! And I didn’t know why that was–I didn’t shed a tear, I turned up my music and pushed the feeling away. Then I log on to this site and read this and all I could do was chuckle. It was profoundly on time!
Hi Natalie
This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m currently recovering from my own illness and beginning to hit those “light bulb” moments as I examine my beliefs and gain perspective. My therapist has suggested I write a letter to my mum (now deceased) and although I know I need to do it I was struggling with how to start (even though he said it doesn’t have to be structured… just write as it feels… easier said than done though eh?).
I’ll let you know how it goes. Keep up the good work; on the surface your website may seem light hearted but for me (and for many others I would think) it is has real depth and is an amazing resource.
Gg
Great post as usual NML!!
You mentioned the: “don’t take it to heart” phrase. And I have to be honest I cringe every time I hear this phrase. The reason being is that I have heard this phrase so many times before from people who are typically those who attempt to put you down in some way and yes including my own mother and brother and then pretend they did nothing wrong therefore you must be wrong for being hurt.
I have a problem with that phrase because for one it doesnt take into consideration the fact that the person at the receiving end may very well have a different emotional comfort level on what he/she thinks is a joke, funny comment etc.
People in general (not only mothers) who constantly after they have made fun of you, realized you got hurt/upset over it, then say: “oh, come on, don’t take it to heart” are people who are trying to make it sound as if you are at fault for being hurt and upset. When the reality is that they should acknowledge that not all people have the same limits for taking their types of jokes.
I feel that when they say this phrase is a cover up and a way of saying: ” I am right for making a joke about you even if you got hurt, and you are wrong for taking my joke the wrong way and getting hurt”.
How unfair is that?! because after they’ve constantly say this phrase you are left questioning yourself: “Could I be wrong for being hurt about this? Am I being too serious about it? Should I be loosing up a little and pretend I dont get hurt everytime I hear these types of jokes?”.
The truth is, each person is different, there is nothing wrong if you get hurt about a constant joke or funny comment made about you even if to the other person it seems as not a big deal and just a silly joke.I think the key here is to let them know it hurt, why it hurts and to please stop doing it. If they keep doing it then there is something seriously wrong with these jokers because it then becomes a type of bullying. They should apologize, stop playing the recorded jokes on you that have been played for ages and only play them on those who can take their kind of humour.
I am not saying dont have a sense of humor. Making fun of yourself could be one of the best ways to handle an awkard situation but when it comes from people (specially your family) who know you well and know you have got hurt before, and keep bringing it up constantly as a way of entertaining others it becomes an emotional abuse, an extra baggage, an emotional scar that is hard to get rid of once becoming an adult.
I think parents in general should be well aware of these type of interaction with their kids while growing up. Kids for the most part are very innocent, naive and extremely sensitive. And there is nothing wrong with it, they are growing up. How many times we see kids becoming depressed because of a bullying kid at school? Now imagine if the bullying happens at their own home and comes from their parents, siblings etc? The emotional scar that has been left then becomes something serious to deal with when they try to form real relationships as adults.
Yeah you can only take so much of the “i was only kidding” reply you get when you tell someone that what they just said hurt your feelings and you didn’t think the comment they just made was very funny. But even though you ask them not to do it again-they continue.
That hurts even more because you feel further disrepected. At this point you only have 2 choices, change the way you think about thier behavior or limit/end your contact with them. It makes it difficult to cut ties because it’s family. But you have to take care of yourself and do what’s best for you. You wouldn’t tolerate this from a friend. Don’t tolereate it from family either.
That’s boundaries plain and simple. If someone continues, then you know they’re not respecting you or your boundaries. I then know what to expect from them and I’m no longer surprised.
By ‘don’t take it to heart’ I’m not in any way shape, or form suggesting that something was a joke. I am 33 and I have two children and a life. I spent most of my life taking things to heart and internalising other peoples bad behaviour. If I end losing my mind and letting other people’s crap change what I think of myself or allow it to severely impact me, I have to be accountable the choices I am making. I’ve written before about unconditional love – I know who I am. If someone says something hurtful, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s hurtful, but I don’t take it to heart, change what I think of myself or allow it to have power in my life, because from that point on, I’m giving it more weight than it deserves. I’m not a child anymore and neither is anyone else reading this blog and it is too late for our parents to parent us in the way that we wish they could have. I refuse to spend a second more asking people to do what they have consistently shown they are not going to do – I’ve opted out of relationship insanity. That doesn’t mean I’m saying it doesn’t hurt, I’m not asking you to laugh – I’m saying that if you wait around for people to do the right thing, you’ll go into your grave still waiting. Something can hurt but it does not have to take over your life and I’ll be damned if I allow things to do to me what they’ve done before, so I choose differently. Period. The incident I referred to happened nearly 20 years ago – I don’t want or expect an apology and if I allow all the things to continue to impact me as they did five years ago and beyond, I would not be where I am today. My parents have said MANY things to me that I wish they would apologise for or never have said, but I no longer continue to expect from people what they have shown they don’t possess. Period. If I did, that would be my fault, not theirs because they’ve shown me who they are.
Nat,
as usual I have no clue how to open a zip file and so can’t read the usnet letter guide. Grrrr !
The biggest way I have found forgivenss with my parents is by forgiving MYSELF for being hurt by them, deceived by them, disillusioned by them, etc.
That means I don’t have false expectations of them anymore, wanting them to be who I think they should be.
I can’t forgive them for things they continue to do – but I can forgive myself for not knowing any better until I DO know better — and then don’t feel blindsided by their various crap-a-looza. Then thier is nothing to forgive because I didn’t let myself get set up to be hurt and participate or cooperate in it by thinking they were other than who they are.
@ Aurora
If you click on the link and your PC/laptop has the soft ware for reading zip files you should automatically have a folder open with 4 files in it. Ignore the 2 smaller sized ones and just click on the file (like you would in any Word folder) to open it. Your software has already “unzipped/extracted” the file for you.
If you haven’t got zip file software you can download free software from http://www.camunzip.com or http://www.7-zip.org.
Hope that helps
Gg
I was only kidding/don’t take it too heart etc
‘I didn’t mean to say’….
So why say it?
‘I don’t mean that’
So what now? Words don’t have meaning anymore?
I am really taking stock of my life and relationships. I realize now that I have be an accomplise in creating my own misery. I have ENABLED others to dictate how I feel about things and myself. I have a lot of growing up to do, I am a child in the adult world. I am going to take that little girl and show her the way that others, couldn’t or wouldn’t do for her. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”. It’s time to apply that, yes, words can sting but they do not define or change who I am and what I want to be. I’ll only concern myself with the sticks and stones part.
In my experience, words hurt more than sticks and stones!
They can, if you let them. Words have hurt me, but only because I gave them the power. Everyone makes mistakes and says things in the heat of an arguement. I try not to do that now. I believe in “Do no Harm”. Even if someone is shooting darts my way, instead of pulling out the cannon, I duck. You can protect yourself in an adult way without participating in the drama.