In parts one through four, I explained how having unhealthy love habits, including being involved with unavailable people who offer the least likely prospect of a committed relationship and people who seek to take advantage and abuse our boundaries, is due to dating reflections of our parents. In part four, I covered four big lessons I’ve learned about healing from emotionally unavailable parents that help you gain perspective. And now, in this final part, I share some last lessons. I also share possible next steps you can take with breaking the cycle of your relationship pattern.

We have to grow up.

I had to stop being the five-year-old that couldn’t comprehend her father not visiting the hospital or, in later years, just not being around and disappointing me. I had to stop being nervous of my mother and create boundaries. Becoming a grown-up also meant not acting like a teenager scared of criticism but also desperately seeking validation and approval. No more looking for confirmation that I was loveable and doing things ‘right’ at last.

I went back to university when I was twenty-three. The idea was that I’d prove that I could get a degree. I’d prove I was the Good and Lovable Daughter my mother wanted, not a disappointment or a failure. I finished my degree and waited for the amazing feeling and the sense of accomplishment to arrive. My mum uttered words I’d wanted to hear for so long; she was proud of me. Coupled with declarations of love, I should have been skipping around with validation joy. Instead, I felt nothing.

Feeling nothing only made me feel worse. I was so angry with myself initially because I really wanted this ‘feeling’. And then one day it hit me. I didn’t feel anything because I’d done the degree for the wrong reasons. I also no longer needed or wanted the approval and validation I’d yearned for. It’s my job to validate and approve of myself.

If you’re trapped in an unhealthy cycle with one or both of your parents, a primary means of breaking it is allowing yourself to grow up.

You’ve got to nurture that child within you. At the same time, you’ve got to bring it into the present with your updated perspective. This way, you can own your experience. You get to reclaim your power.

Often in my adult interactions with my parents, I haven’t been my actual adult age. Instead, I’ve reverted to being a nervous teen. In speaking with various readers, I know I’m not alone. They become moody, petulant teenagers and fawning five-year-olds. Some have screaming rows that reduce them to feeling like they’re having a tantrum.

I’ve said it many times: if we want a situation to change, it’s our own change we have to deal with. We cannot control others.

I’ve reached the conclusion that my mother’s been ‘her way’ for over half a century. If she’s comfy and happy with the results, I’m not going to hound her out of her comfort zone. Likewise, my father can get all nostalgic about when I was a little girl that literally hung off his coattails in admiration. He can pretend that there’s no problem and that he hadn’t, hasn’t, deeply hurt me.

My reality, though, is different. I’m not comfortable playing roles that they’re comfortable with me playing, so I’m going to be me. If our relationship can evolve out of that, great. It has, to a degree, (with my dad). But if my having boundaries doesn’t work for my parents, I’m okay with continuing to raise my adult self without them around me.

Hold up your end of things by making sure that you don’t facilitate the pattern with your parents by playing your learned role in the dynamic and ultimately acting like a child.

We’re all too old to have the level of expectation that we do from either of our parents. We can’t get that time back and quite frankly, much like when you try to tell a Mr/Miss Unavailable or assclown the who, what, where, when and whys of where you’re at and what you think, you are wasting time. You could talk till you’re blue in the face but people see and hear whatever the hell they want. Stop trying to control people’s opinions of you.

We have to make peace with ourselves.

I had no idea how angry I was with both of my parents until I went through the recovery process from my illness and it was explained to me that I really needed to clear the anger and forgive. Forgive what?, I thought. Even starting to think, though, about some of the long-buried memories made me feel like elephants were standing on my chest and that my head was being squeezed between clamps.

I wanted to run from the room. But I stayed and, actually, acknowledged that:

  1. I was hurt
  2. I was really bloody pissed off
  3. I had a right to be hurt and pissed off, but
  4. My parents were and are not infallible and that
  5. The anger and hurt derailing and debilitating me was a wake-up call.

I won’t lie, there was no complicated process for me about letting go of my anger.

Until I acknowledged that I was angry and hurt, I not only didn’t realise that I carried around these burdens but that they dictated my level of emotional availability and how I behaved in my relationships.

Imagine all the things you’re pissed off with your parents about; all the things that hurt, that frustrate you, the disappointments. Now imagine each and every individual thing is an item of clothing. How much of this stuff can you walk around with before you feel hot, clammy, overburdened, laden down, trapped, weighty, defeated, or it’s difficult to walk or breathe?

Much like when I’ve talked about letting go of excess baggage and getting down to hand baggage, there is really only so much you can hold onto. You can try and carry all of this stuff with you all the time, but what is the point?

This is not to say that many of these things that happened to me aren’t hurtful and don’t raise an occasional grit of the teeth from me, but they don’t have power and effect in my present day. Or I strive to keep it to the minimum when they do. My parents may not have emotionally schooled me that well. Still, as an adult, I’m responsible for all of my relationship insanity with assclowns and Mr Unavailables.

Take each item; inspect it; ask yourself how it changed your perception of you; give it some perspective, and make peace with yourself about it.

When I went through some of my stuff, like remembering buying my mother a gift at the Christmas fair when I was fourteen and her laughing like crazy at me and ridiculing it(you cannot make this shit up!), I actually hadn’t realised how that memory had stuck or how much it hurt. If you’re curious, it was a wooden crafted ornament.

Thinking about it from the perspective of a fourteen-year-old insecure teen desperate for her mother’s love, approval, and just one day where she wouldn’t critique me, the rejection stings. I felt very hurt because not only did she laugh at me, she compared my gift to my brother’s and kept bringing up the gift long into my twenties. I felt like an idiot, but I also felt like some sort of idiotic black sheep. Every year after that, I felt panicked about buying gifts and spent silly money trying to please her, scared each time of her reaction. Even when she started to compliment my gifts, I felt wary. It took me a long time to stop worrying about giving gifts to anyone. I thought it was the money, not the thought that counts.

The truth will set your emotions free so that you can heal, grow and move forward.

But thinking about it when I was 28 or 33 now, with some perspective and experience behind me, I realised how ridiculous and uncaring it was for a mother to treat her child in that way. It’s actually laughable. I doubt she even realised how it came across, not then, or during the many years that she continued to bring it up. The incident, though, reflects on her, not me.

I thought about the gifts or just things I’d done for people, not because I expected something but just because I wanted to. And I knew I wasn’t an idiot or unworthy. Her reaction just isn’t your ‘average’ way of reacting to being given a gift. While she didn’t have to do cartwheels, it was ungrateful and unkind. By the same token, I realised I had to stop taking it to heart and either give wholeheartedly or not at all. Over the years, I’ve got better. I stopped overspending on gifts and buying from an anxious place. In fact, I’ve gone with a less-is-more approach. If she doesn’t like the gift(s) or my approach, that’s fine with me.

So, you might be thinking, But I’m angry! How can I move on?! Or, Okay, but how do I go about breaking my pattern? Help is at hand.

If you desire a mutually fulfilling loving relationship, yet your pattern is emotionally unavailable people, there’s a reason for this.

Let’s be clear: it’s not because you’re not good enough. It’s not even that there are no good people left to date, although I get that dating apps can be a pain in the bum. There is something going on behind the scenes – your emotional baggage.

Unaddressed, your emotional baggage creates the gap between what you say you need and want and the partners you choose. These old patterns and beliefs can be incredibly disruptive and destructive to your self-esteem and relationships. Of course, you can’t change what you don’t know about. It’s why so many people have frustrating and painful relationship patterns. They keep trying to get and avoid the same things. But you can change this.

It’a time to break the cycle!

Tired of unavailable relationships and ready to become open to a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust and respect?…


Break the Cycle of Emotional Unavailability


My 6-Week Self-Study Course

My 6-week self-study course takes you through a powerful seven-step process to help you not just break and identify your relationship pattern but figure out what you need and want from a relationship. 

Basing your relationships on old pain, fear and guilt, on unrecognised anxiety mistaken for love, isn’t working for you. 

Instead of blaming yourself, settling for crumbs or trying to fix the past, you can take command of yourself so that you stop being ruled by relationship patterns.

Course content - Break The Cycle of Emotional Unavailability - From Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue. 6-Week Self-Study Course To Get That Emotional Baggage Cleared So That You Can Be Available For The Real Deal

Break The Cycle will help you… 

  • Identify your relationship patterns and uncover powerful clues about how to heal, move forward and be more you. 
  • Do the self-forgiveness work that’s needed to release the beliefs, feelings, habits and baggage that are stopping you from finding fulfilling relationships. 
  • Become more emotionally available, making it much easier to feel good about yourself, your relationships, choices, and life in general.

It’s time to remove your hidden relationship blocks so you feel confident and happier and become available for the relationship and opportunities you desire and deserve

Get £100 (33%) off Break The Cycle

Sign up below for your exclusive discount for my course, BREAK THE CYCLE

Your thoughts?

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites