In part one, I explained just a few of the contradicting scenarios where you may find yourself dealing with a Mr Unavailable (or assclown) shedding crocodile tears – insincere tears designed to disarm you and distract from the real issues.
As women, society has taught us to either frown upon expressions of emotion from men or to think that we’ve struck gold when they do shed tears, inferring it as a sign of how special we are to them.
The middle ground is that sometimes men do cry, just like sometimes we cry, but if you have a weakness for Mr Unavailables and assclowns, by the very nature of your interest in the two of them, you are bound to think that the show of ’emotion’ in the form of tears, is something amazing.
Mr Unavailable is an emotionally unavailable man, hence if he cries, you misguidedly think that he’s emotionally available.
Assclowns are men behaving badly so you’re going to think that he’s remorseful and on his way to being a half-decent guy if he sheds tears. Crocodile tears let you believe that you’re seeing a different side – that he’s showing his vulnerabilities and letting you in.
Have you ever been in a situation where you’re crying and you don’t know why?
Or where you’re crying but you’re not actually crying about whatever is unfolding but about something else?
Something else that may feel a little familiar is that being caught up in a drama cycle with men means that you are likely to have found that you shedding tears on occasion has elicited a reaction that you wanted, albeit temporarily.
And I think this is the key: If you say something to me tomorrow about my lack of contribution into our relationship and I cry, appear upset, remorseful, even make a few promises, or accept your apologies for the fact that you’ve ‘upset me’, it would be more than a tad mystifying to you, if after the event, I acted like it had never happened or reneged on whatever was said and appeared to be anything but remorseful.
This would make my emotional moment rather temporary.
I remember many moons ago going to visit my ex-fiance about a week or so after I left. I try to type this with a straight face, but he was ironing his cricket gear, steaming the crap out of them with the iron. I doubt there was a crease in a five mile radius! Anyway, I tried to speak with him about our ‘situation’ and next thing you know he was blubbing away. In those few minutes, I was genuinely surprised and like a dipstick, I apologised for hurting him by leaving, sympathised, empathised, and even tried to comfort him. At the time, I just couldn’t believe he had that type of emotion to draw from and I felt a little blindsided and questioned my decision to leave.
The following week I found the voicemails from some woman that were left on the landline at 5.30 am in the morning, and he denied the existence of them, and then denied anything was going on, raged, howled, pretended to be teary, and eventually got an apology out of me.
A year later, I found out that there was indeed someone else when he’d been shedding the tears.
In retrospect, I realise why he was crying: he was out of control and he did not like that feeling.
He wasn’t crying for me or our relationship – he didn’t give a monkey’s about me!
His pride was dented and whatever hurt he felt wasn’t about me leaving him – it was more like being hurt that he didn’t get in there first and that I’d ruined the image, the facade that he’d created around people.
Aside from you often having the job of ego stroking, these guys often project a different image to their peers. The last thing they want is some woman putting a dent in the Mr Wonderful act.
This is something that you not only need to understand about crocodile tears, but also about when these guys chase you up after you tell them to beat it and appear to be contrite:
When things feel out of their control because it’s not been dictated on their terms, this feels unfamiliar and extremely uncomfortable to them.
When you tell them to beat it or don’t do things in the way that they expect, they associate that unfamiliar, uncomfortable feeling, as some sort of sign that they have to have you and pursue you.
The moment that you react in the way that they expect, (e.g. they text, you respond), they switch off because it’s back on familiar ground again and the urgency and their reaction to it passes.
It’s about sincerity, or should I say the lack of it, and while we have to move on and move forward after an event that is upsetting, you can be pretty damn sure that you’re getting crocodile tears if just like in other areas, the tears get shed but nothing actually changes.
You may even find that him getting upset becomes a way of silencing you as you may become cautious of pursuing issues with him.
There is a lot of insincerity in relationships like this and the tears are just another example of it.
It’s not like he’ll shed a few crocodile tears in isolation– he’ll be doing that, busting your boundaries, laughing at you or dismissing you when you cry, not matching his actions with words and basically failing to put both of his feet into the relationship.
Don’t forget that these men are lacking in empathy, with some almost devoid of it, but may still have the brass balls to license themselves to cry as needed if it suits their agenda.
The key is really about you recognising when you are being played. You’ll soon come to recognise that there is a pattern to their crying.
More importantly though, the fact that they cry doesn’t change anything. They don’t change, things don’t change, and often when they do, it’s only for the worse.
I could hurt someone tomorrow and cry about it, but if I keep on hurting them, it would be questionable how sorry I really am and how genuine I was being when I was upset. This is exactly the same situation you are in with a men shedding hollow tears.
Don’t get things twisted and think he cried so that means that in time he’ll be able to show other emotions or that him crying means that he must be really crazy about you. Look at the bigger picture and don’t just get trapped in the moment trying to extract crumbs of validation. The man needs to be able to show some positive emotion – not just the insincere ones that generate the results he wants.
Your thoughts?
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It’s hard not to feel incredibly STUPID when I realize how I fell for all his manipulations.
not to worry bout feeling stupid, I think we learn best from our mistakes, and in the case of these guys the mistake is so big, the lessons learned are that much bigger.
I will add that its not just crocodile tears that I experienced as a way to manage their confusion/ feelings and get some sort if control…, its any big display of emotion…I got the anger / indignant card a lot too.
More great insights, thanks NML.
It really is about being clear that consistent actions speak louder than words.
He can ‘cry’ all he wants – and if he’s still being a jerk afterwards, his crying was a meaningless manipulation. And in all likelihood, a habit pattern he pulls with women to get off the hook.
Good call NML.
.-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..Renninger, Owens, Griswald and Richards =-.
@NML. The Assclown I’m dealing with hasn’t shed a tear. If he does, I’m going to have to nominate his sorry ass for an Oscar. But you’re entirely spot on! //
Great article. Even though it was the AC who terminated the relationship but said he’d like to be friends, it was me who told him I didn’t want to be friends, and that I did not want to hear from him ever again. Like Nat says, I think that would have dented his ego because I actually told him to get lost and blocked him, and according to him he was usually ‘stalked’ or chased by his exes who apparently coulldn’t contemplate life without him. Dream on, loser!
@NML AMEN to this post!!!!
I had those crocodile tears with sobbing and right after a disappearing act….
Thanks to that post!!!!
In looking back, (by the way I’m almost one year No contact…. and it wasn’t easy getting their, but wow is it wonderful now!) Anyway, in looking back on the “relationship: with the married guy who I thought I loved,,,, he had cried several times, SOBBING, GASPING FOR AIR, tears and I was really moved to try and stay to work on things with him, but the fact was, he was married. He could tell me he loved me, he could tell me he was getting a divorce, he could tell me he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, and then he could cry when he thought it was unreasonable of me to ask him to follow through on all that he was telling me, he could cry on my shoulder about how badly his wife treated him, and I just truly felt so bad for him and let myself care so deeply. It really hurt me to see him crying like that, and to tell you the truth, I think he needed to cry. It never even once crossed my mind until I started reading this series of articles that they were “crocodile tears.” I’m flabbergasted actually. And I’m thankful that it doesn’t hurt anymore and that he is finally out of my life…. but a year ago, it was horrible.
Thank you so much for this this article.
Kathy….me too
I was sure my ex was a Mr. Unavailable. He only showed a genuine interest in our relationship after I began to move on. Now, he cries every time we talk. Some actions have changed, like the way he acts toward me, however, I recently found out he was already been in a relationship with his affair partner since we ended things. Of course, this made him cry more…*sigh* sometimes the tears seem like genuine pain…but it certainly is difficult to tell…
Only the small pangs of our past make me want to try…but I have learned the pattern goes the same. He cries and begs, I return. It’s time to stop the pattern – which is difficult because we have a child together.
I don’t know what to believe, especially because I’m starting to feel like the bad guy for not wanting to make our marriage work after multiple infidelities.
.-= StudentMama´s last blog .."You are a selfish, heartless person" =-.
Roz, that’s their game, that’s the game they play…disappear, drive you crazy, you chase, you wonder what you did that made them run. I’m soo disgusted. The last one, played this game, I didn’t raise to his game and he still got angry if I asked for my needs to be met, acted like I was needy, even though I never called him, he did the pursueing, when he realized i wasn’t taking the ‘bait’ he met someone else quick as a flash, and tried to get a reaction out of me then, only he didn’t bargain on me saying he didn’t deserve my anything.. he cried then, I told him I didn’t want his friendship. All the game! what a waste of our precious time. glad it’s over, am working on forgiveness, I forgive him for not being the peron I thought he was and pity him for the person he is. I forgive myself for falling for any of it, and am proud I saw it for what it was. My only regret was not kicking him to the curb the minute I smelt a fake. Good to be on the other side, whew.
I have been on this site off and on for over a year. I was dumped 3 years ago and come back here whenever I need to be reminded that I deserve so much more! I’m still flabbergasted when I read posts that mirror my exact same situation when here I thought I was the only one to go through it. Thank you for this…because I still need to be reminded about what I need to be thankful for (his rejection of me was God’s protection) and what I need to look out for in the future.
StudentMama – of course we want to make our marriages work; why would you get married if it means nothing to you? BUT, both of you have to want to make it work, it’s not right for one person to do all the emotional labour. You would not feel bad complaining if you did all the housework and the gardening and DIY and was the only one with a job. So, don’t feel bad about being the only one who has the courage to want life on her own terms and not tolerate abusive behaviour. My ex husband was also a serial adulterer; I had him back many times before finally he left me with two kids and no home. It took years to rebuild, and he almost destroyed my life. I only put up with it because I believed that marriage meant sacrifice and hard work. I wish I had known then what I know now. It’s your life, but a marriage is about both of you and he clearly does not have your integrity. You deserve better.
NML, I loved when you said: “He wasn’t crying for me or our relationship – he didn’t give a monkey’s about me! His pride was dented and whatever hurt he felt wasn’t about me leaving him – more like being hurt that he didn’t get in there first”…My EUM never cried, but used to say “right” words, that I was dragged back me to waiting game and two years later I dont know HOW TO GET OUT! I just want to confront him and tell him what “I think”…I dont understand if they dont love us and dont care about us, why they keep persuading? I would NEVER persuade a guy who I am not attracted too!!! I am so tired, isnt he tired and want some peace???
I’ve experienced many crocodile tears – and other reactions – and in the end I worked out that the reaction wasn’t the important thing … what was important to understand was the rational behind the reaction.
I eventually worked it out – the rational was “how can I get my own way” … whether my AC did this intentionally or not is something I never worked out – sometimes yes, but sometimes I think not.
I started to see them as having a processor between any input and their reaction. Whereas your and my processor might analyse what someone has said to us and work out how we feel about it in relation to our values, beliefs etc … the AC’s processor has only one rule “what reaction should I issue to get the result I want” …
So if they cry it’s because they belief crying is the reaction with the best chance of getting what they want ..
Of course crying is a pretty big reaction (esp for men perhaps) so it only comes out as the preferred choice when nothing else will work (except perhaps getting angry) …
When their processor chooses crying .. it’s choosing it because it hopes it will stop you pursuing your line of enquiry any further .. once that is done their processor will choose another reaction (such as expressing love) to try and tie you in … once that is done they will choose another action (such as asking you to commit to something in the future) to tie you in even further …
Once they’ve done that they feel secure, have got you as their fall guy/girl and are free to then focus their minds/attention on other areas of their life – they have achieved what they wanted with you.
Imho this is why the hot and cold comes in … hot is when their processor says they need to exhibt a reaction/do something to get what they want … cold is when their processor says no action is needed.
Does this make any sense to anyone/match anyone’s experiences????
Just found you and I love what I’m reading. I’ve definitely been through this BS w/last BF. Teeny question: Does “unavailable’s” really need an apostrophe?
Well my EUM doesnt even try to get me back, and that hurts. he did say the only reason he let his shameful behavior go on longer with others is because he “had more respect” for me— but it actually hurts that like other EUMs, hes NOT trying to contact me. i know i should be happy with my space and be thinking about why i would want him to still show interest in me, and my issues… but the truth is, i still just want him to show me some sign that what we had was real and that we have potential. i know i should be HAPPY that he is sticking to these boundaries, but i think about how he was with his other exes- how he DID try to be friends and was really bothered by them not liking him. he doesnt seem bothered by me doing the same thing though.
Jenna–
I had the same exact experience.
But worse:
First, my EUM married his on-again, off-again girlfriend, on whom he cheated (and she knew about it!) and who he treated–on a major holiday–with a major disrespect, in that he stood her up! (He was in his first major–eight-month–“off” period when he dated me);
Second, our mutual “respectful”/”nice girl”/”good girl”/professional/”not easy” friends ignore me, or don’t invite me to their major parties, when they are around!
So I particularly would love an answer to your question, b/c my experience was the same…but worse, in the above respects. (And, yes, NML, I DO realize that they are all one and the same: unavailable themselves; and that we were really respected and not fallbacks. But still…)
Also, why do they care so much about:
1. not looking like a bad guy; and:
2. not looking like a bad guy to particular women…
…especailly when they obviously KNOW they are the bad ones and whom to respect!
WoW! I’ve been enjoying your bits of wisdom…and I found you just at the right time while trying to figure out crazy making pushey pulley games from the current suitor. Now, after reading this, I’m stunned questioning my last 3 1/2 year relationship with a widower. Whoa! I’m totally cool now a year after the breakup, but I think you just gave me a completely new perspective on a lot of memories.
Anyhow…keep it comin’…really appreciate the work you are doing here!
Thank you!