Chemistry is one of those difficult to pinpoint, tricky to define linchpins of a relationship. As it’s so hard to put our fingers on, it’s actually the blanket explanation for why we stick with someone even when all signs around us point to ‘Danger! Abort mission!’. ‘We have such a strong chemistry’ is one of the most common things that gets said to me as does ‘I couldn’t be with someone who I didn’t have any chemistry with’.
I think of chemistry as the result of how you both ‘vibrate’ together. Aspects of each of you resonate with the other and it creates what feels like a strong tie between you both – a connection. It’s a bit of a frisson between you both, a shared vibe, an air between you that feels like it generates something positive (even if overall it doesn’t), the way you ‘work’ together, the ‘tension’ that exists between you both.
In looking at my own dating past where I’ve claimed to feel chemistry with a number of people, I realised a few things:
Chemistry, whatever that intangible ‘quality’ that you have between you is, is necessary for a relationship but is often overvalued to the detriment of other aspects. Without it, you’ll feel something is missing, but without other fundamentals, it’s not going to work anyway.
I also know that having ‘aspects’ between you both where there is chemistry can hide key signs that you are incompatible and this is because much like with common interests, we assume that someone who we share for example, sexual chemistry or even emotional chemistry with, is someone that will be a compatible partner.
It’s also safe to say that often when you feel that you’re compatible, you may actually be compatible for the wrong reasons.
This is why it feels ‘right’ even when it seems so ‘wrong’ and why you’re still banking on that emotionally unavailable or assclown ‘somebody’ who you had so much ‘chemistry’ with…you just couldn’t string a relationship together.
Many times over the course of writing this blog and my ebooks, I’ve emphasised that we ‘choose’ or gravitate to people that reflect the things we believe about relationships, love, and ourselves. If we have negative beliefs, we inadvertently create a self-fulfilling prophecy that enables us to continue holding on to that belief. Obviously if we got involved with someone who challenged those beliefs, we’d have to adjust our thinking and our behaviours. Many of us are damn scared of challenging our beliefs plus we are also and often entirely unaware of the impact of quiet, hidden beliefs.
I’ve also learned through experience that we are the only common denominator to the soap opera that is our relationships and that life continues throwing us up the same lessons through our relationships until we heed the warnings. Every experience you’ve had, you’re in it and if the same experience comes up with various different people, you have to look at lot closer to home at your own actions. That doesn’t make you responsible for their behaviour but it does put the power in your hands to change your part.
In considering these things, I realised that chemistry is very reflective of where you are, at that particular point in your life, emotionally, spiritually, physically and that who you feel it with can and will change if you address and adapt any of these factors.
If you for instance, break up with someone that you’ve experienced a lot of pain with but are still professing chemistry and claiming that you can’t imagine anyone else in your life but them, you may want to consider what hasn’t shifted that has you holding on so hard to the past.
You’re ignoring an important part of the dynamic between you both where you are clearly incompatible and compensating for it by exaggerating the strength and importance of others.
Much like how your relationships, your self-esteem and basically life in general is very reflective of your beliefs, the ‘chemistry’ you feel is a reflection. If you’ve ever had a parent who abused alcohol or drugs and have felt ‘impossibly’ drawn to someone who also abuses these, you can see how the ‘chemistry’ that you feel is intwertwined with how you feel about you, love, and relationships, and that actually, you’re experiencing the comfort of familiarity, even though it’s unhealthy.
You can also see the effects of chemistry if you have a ‘type’. Generally speaking, when people have a type, it tends to be ‘toxic type’ working against them tied to unhealthy ideas about what they ‘think’ is ‘right’ for them, after all, having a type where you carry the same baggage, beliefs, and behaviours and end up with the same results is relationship insanity. If having that type has not yielded you a successful relationship as in, it worked in a healthy, positive manner, I would seriously question what your ‘type’ is and who you profess to have chemistry with as it’s not benefiting you and is likely limiting your options.
Looking back, I now know that I felt chemistry with the guys I dated previously because they were similar on an emotional level – emotionally unavailable. Aside from physical attraction or any so-called sexual chemistry, the prospect of being with them was ‘fitting’ because emotionally I didn’t feel I was in any real danger of having to ‘risk’ myself.
They were attractive because emotionally, even if we approached things differently, when it got down to the nuts and bolts of it, we were both afraid of genuine intimacy and feeling our emotions, good, bad, and indifferent.
When I met or spoke with any of these people after we’d dated, the ‘chemistry’ was dead in the water and it was hard to imagine what we had in common. Once I realised that I too was emotionally unavailable and started demanding of myself to become available, when I met people who I would previously have been quite content to languish around in an ambiguous relationship for a time, I found myself rather non-plussed. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that as I started taking care of myself physically, making my health a focal point, as well as my values shifting somewhat and feeling even more spiritually connected, that who I felt attracted to really shifted as well.
It’s important to feel healthy emotional chemistry, mental/values chemistry, spiritual chemistry, and of course physical/sexual chemistry. The combination of all of these makes for a relationship where you are far more likely to be compatible and have the opportunity to forge a healthy relationship with prospects. While I don’t doubt the importance of sexual chemistry, if you don’t have the other sources of chemistry, you don’t have actual intimacy – you just have sex.
That said, if you don’t have sexual chemistry, it may feel like a friendship.
That said, if you have sexual chemistry but not much else, it may feel like a booty call/friends with benefits situation.
If you’re both emotionally available and truly get to know one another to create true intimacy, not the ‘limited connection’ generated by emotional unavailability, you can find chemistry across all areas instead of cherry picking the ‘easy’ stuff.
Even if you have emotional, spiritual and sexual chemistry, if you don’t share similar values, your relationship will struggle and you are very likely incompatible unless you can find a way to compromise. Of course, you shouldn’t compromise on values that are fundamental to your happiness and how you want to live…and neither should they. If you do, you’ll be compromising yourself.
If you believe you have chemistry with someone and the relationship is struggling, it’s time to look at not what you think you have in common but what you don’t so you can better understand the dynamic between you both, what the possible incompatibilities are, and assess the possibilities of a solution.
The more you ignore the areas where you’re not compatible or experiencing chemistry, the bigger a problem they present. Many people find themselves in deep trouble with their relationships because they ignore vital things because they think what they feel or other more favourable qualities make up for it – they don’t.
Before you start pushing for a solution, particularly if you feel chemistry in an unhealthy partnering, I would seriously assess the origins of your interest in them and make sure that you’re not actually feeling chemistry with an unhealthy pattern. If you are and you already recognise that there are issues in your relationship, examine your beliefs, both the obvious and the hidden, to untangle why you think you have chemistry with them – you can download my beliefs guide Get Out of Stuck for more help.
Moving forward, I would strongly caution you against seeking instant chemistry or overestimating how much chemistry you have because you feel it so strongly in one area. Chemistry in a relationship needs the chance to grow and if you spend time getting to know the person as a whole instead of homing in on the bits that suit, you have a far better chance of forging a healthy relationship in reality.
What I do know is that even though chemistry is tricky to define and intangible, the reasons why you want to be in a relationship are not. If you’re feeling chemistry but the relationship has floundered, is struggling, or they’re not reciprocating, it’s time to take off the rose tinted glasses and fur coat of denial and list the reasons why you feel so much chemistry with them and why you want to be with them so badly. This will help bring you back into reality and take them off any pedestal that you have them on.
Ultimately, if you want to feel chemistry with different people, change the way you feel about you, relationships, and love. If you don’t want to feel chemistry with someone who is emotionally unavailable and/or an assclown, address your own emotional unavailability and the drug of the chemistry will wear off. If you want to feel chemistry with the same types of people…well you already know how that one goes! Quit the relationship insanity!
Your thoughts?
If you’ve broken up with someone, what is that you feel so much chemistry about? If you’re together but struggling, can you see where you don’t have chemistry?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
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I think chemistry is just an idea we hide behind, like the feeling that we cannot live without someone. It is a way of translating our need and desperation into socially acceptable terms. If we no longer have control over it, but it controls us, it’s not “love” or “chemistry” or “attraction” or “soulmates”, it’s unhealthy. A pattern I have definitely had in the past: feeling that sudden thunderbolt with someone and misinterpretting that as though I were starring in my own rom-com movie. “Love” doesn’t happen in an instant. It grows over time and is based on shared values, morals, goals and beliefs. Lust happens in an instant and we paint it all kinds of colours trying to make it acceptable or more than it really is. I now see that if I feel something uncontrollable, something chemical, it’s a good sign to slow down, stop or just plain run in the other direction. I gave away things I couldn’t afford to lose – my trust (which needs to be earned, not demanded), my sense of self, my health, my mind. That’s too high a price to pay for “chemistry”.
I agree 100%
Ditto.
Really well-expressed!
tottally agree!!
I disagree with Tina. I have felt the chemistry with certain men and not with others, it is quite clear to me that it exists, is very powerful, sends me weak at the knees and stops me from thinking straight. It’s no basis for a relationship, of course. But to claim it does not exist in anyone just because you haven’t felt it yourself is a mistake.
I have to say that chemistry and connection can be experienced with some guys and others not. I think its something that can also be created in an emotionally available relationship.
I believe it is just as dangerous to get into a relationship where you feel very little connection and it is where the chemistry and connection is overpowering.
Hot Alpha Female
I think what she means by chemistry as ‘an idea we hide behind,’ is that we sometimes use it as justification to stay invested, and to hold on, when we really should leave. We overvalue it at the expense of some other crucial requirements. Which is a reflection of our somewhat skewed value system around relationships – in my experience.
There IS a biological basis for chemistry. As far as I know it alerts your body that the two of you are different enough that mating would be genetically safe for your offspring. It’s just as basic as that. When you add all the psychological ‘fireworks’ it gets interesting, and it can be great if you both have fairly reasonable and healthy habits…or well, it can be painful as we all know.
I read this post and the last one with great interest, as well as the prior comments. I have been thinking alot about this idea of chemistry or the intangible as you call it in relationships. I read one of the reader comments in the last post that talked about having a bad weekend after just seeing her ex. This has happened to me and it upset me for weeks. Is that chemistry? Is that the inability to let go? I used to think it was a sign that we were meant to be together or that there was still something there in the relationship (is that chemistry?). Then I thought it was obsession and unhealthy. I read in another blog ) a differing opinion, that it’s not good to label our obsessive thoughts as unhealthy or to victimize ourselves if we have fallen for a predatory user like an AC or EUM or narcissist. I thought about that for a while and think there might be some good ideas in it, namely that we have to stop telling ourselves that we are sick, when it is the predators that are sick.
However, what I have always liked about Natalies posts is that they make us accountable for our part in it all. Yes, he might be sick and using me but I am letting him. If I am nothing but a helpless victim, then I am at the mercy of every abusive man I might encounter. If I accept my own responsibility in it, I can stop it next time and I am not just a victim. Same with chemistry= it is not an unstoppable force of nature. I do not want to be a victim of chemistry or attraction. I choose, I decide, I am responsible for the outcome. Why are we so quick to absolve ourselves of our responsibility in relationships? We are not helpless victims of our emotions or our patterns or our love for bad men. We are making choices and clearly we keep making bad choices. Until we own up to that, we have to stop blaming the men, stop chalking it up to chemistry and stop pathologizing ourselves. We are not victims, we are just letting ourselves off the hook for our bad decisions. That’s what this post really means to me.
Thank you for this link, Sarah!
Yes! Thank you. Very nice blog w/lots of info on healing <3 I tend to blame/re-victimize myself – it's good for letting that go.
Sarah, thank you, also, for this link to narcissism. Natalie’s blog encompasses Narcissism, and EUM’s, and I have learned a lot. But the narcissism blog really helped me realize what I was involved with. Thank you for the link, and thank you Natalie for allowing her to post the link.
This is PERFECT for me! I’m still stuck on someone who is clearly unhealthy for me and NOT the one for me, and yet why am I having such trouble letting go – even as I’m the one who left and wants to be divorced from him? I’ve been over and over the “hooks” you talked about in previous posts and know it can’t be sexual chemistry, and what I thought was emotional chemistry faded. Spiritual chemistry? If that, I thought wrong. I need to look at signals I was sending out to see why I was attracted to him in the first place, as you suggested.
“It’s important to feel healthy emotional chemistry, mental/values chemistry, spiritual chemistry, and of course physical/sexual chemistry.
That said, if you don’t have sexual chemistry, it may feel like a friendship.”
This caught me to look into this further. I am in a healthy relationship. While I have all the other aspects of “chemistry in our relationship – emotional, values, spiritual – I have to admit that sexual chemistry is there but not as it was before with an AC “fireworks sex”. I am not sure why that is. It does at time feel like a very close loving friendship not that highly charged bang it once was. I am not one to throw the baby out with the bathwater but I’d like to know why this is. We have shared primary core values and beliefs, there is mutual attraction, very little drama if any and I am comfortable with him – there is a connection but its different than any other. Considering my past history of EUM/ACs I look to that as a blessing. How do you have it all? Its not that I am not turned on by him – maybe its the lack of pursuit or something or that I don’t have to be awesome in bed to keep him. I have no doubts in that area at all. He is very committed as am I. I woud just like to have those fireworks and any thoughts – suggestions would be welcomed.
Movedup….its hard to say why the “fireworks” aren’t there but I’m wondering if maybe they are but after dealing with EUM/ACs your ideas on fireworks have changed and you might not be aware of it.
Rocking your world changes over time with age/length of relationship/individual wants & needs. As no two relationships are the same neither can the sex, two different people.
My only suggestions is ask him how he feels about it, see what he says.
Movedup,
In the book “Women Who Love Too Much,” there is a whole chapter on this. The writer asserts that there could be two things going on: one is that although the person is great, they are not the right one for you. The other is a little more complicated. Apparently sometimes when someone has been with an EUM or AC, it is very difficult to transition into a normal relationship. Longing and unfulfilled deisre are mistaken for love and passion. So, in order tell which one this is, you have to give it time to grow. But you should know eventually if this is someone you love or someone you are just keeping around to keep yourself from being lonely. If it’s number two, then you owe it to yourself and them to let the relationship go.
I do believe there is something coming from pain and need-to-perform which drives the ‘fireworks’ sex with EUMs/ACs. I pondered this issue a while back in relation to another one of Natalie’s posts – when I raised the issue that it wasn’t just men who had some trouble dealing with the Madonna-Whore dichotomy, and that perhaps women also had troubles with what might be thought of as a (Loving) Father-Bastard dualism! I put it crudely here- but I think there’s something in that.
I think the ‘fireworks’ aspect with EUMs and ACs is mainly down to the longing for intimacy and the release of pent up tension and also the feeling of validation.
When we are involved with EUMs and ACs, we spend the majority of the time wondering what the hell is going on, anxious that we are not getting what we want and eager to have more. Having sex releases all the pent up tension, gives us the intimacy we so long for and validates us that ‘he must really like me’ because we feel desired and wanted. I think this is why sex with AC/EUMs is so ‘mind blowing’. It’s not the sex itself, but all the anxiety that gets alleviated as a result of it. Being with someone healthy doesn’t give us the drama, they validate us all the time, there is no ambiguity, therefore no ‘build up’ to sex. I remember, when I was with my ex EUM who lived in another town and would visit at weekends, the whole week was spent looking forward to being together, wondering if he would actually show up (he was vague to the point of lunacy) and then, when we finally did get together, the relief was overwhelming. I had missed him, I had longed for him and, finally, I got the intimacy I so craved: fireworks a gogo!!
You can have the same build up of tension with a healthy partnering too – you just have to re-create the tension and build up. I find that texting each other in advance re what you’re going to get up to when you finally meet up is a great way to build the same sort of anticipation, but in a much healthier way.
“When we are involved with EUMs and ACs, we spend the majority of the time wondering what the hell is going on, anxious that we are not getting what we want and eager to have more. Having sex releases all the pent up tension, gives us the intimacy we so long for and validates us that ‘he must really like me’ because we feel desired and wanted. I think this is why sex with AC/EUMs is so ‘mind blowing’. It’s not the sex itself, but all the anxiety that gets alleviated as a result of it. ”
Minky, you just hit the nail on the head for me. I thought I was past the guy I dated in my 20’s, and I guess my recent A/C showed me that in my 50’s, I still have those issues.
Hi Movedup – I think it’s important to recognise that chemistry and fireworks are two very different things. You have chemistry with your partner but you are looking for the fireworks that you had with your ex. You may want to examine your sexual values and what you actually define as ‘fireworks’.
Definition of fireworks according to Macmillan dictionary: “an object that explodes when you light it and produces coloured lights and loud noises” or from journalism perspective “signs of strong emotions or impressive skills”
Sexual intimacy is something that grows. Yes you can create explosive fireworks but the reality is it’s not going to happen overnight or every day. I would also caution you against comparing your partner with your ex – it’s a rather unfair comparison using an unfair basis.
To understand why it’s not the “highly charged bang that it was” examine why it was that previously to understand the origins of the fireworks.
In the end, as another commenter suggested, time will tell. Only you know whether you are being genuinely emotionally available with your partner and whether you feel genuine attraction or have settled on a negative basis. You can give your relationship time to develop and focus on the sexual intimacy you’re creating with your partner instead of focusing on your ex.
I would also redefine what you are looking for. If you’re looking for fireworks as in what you had with your ex, this may not be the type of relationship you’re looking for. If you’re looking to have sexual intimacy and healthy connected, enjoyable sex, you can work at that and no doubt create ‘healthy’ fireworks, especially when you’re both being genuinely emotionally intimate. Remember that the chemistry you felt with your ex is based on your reflected emotional unavailability combined with the sex, which was also based on the fact that it was dysfunctional.
Right on spot Nat.
The “relationship that was actually a booty call” with the ex was defintitely dysfunctional! Most unhealthy fireworks based in fear.
Healthy fireworks – the ones without the fear attached. That is what needs to be my focus now.
Moved Up,
I believe you have been on the site for some time, and were recently married to a lovely, compassionate man.
I see regular posts re. the ex and was concerned that you have not moved beyond the relationship. What do you think?
I think Nat hit it right on – the comparison aspect. I have talked with a few people about that very thing. Its seems almost second nature to compare one thing with another thing although they have really nothing to do with the other. I will have to eat my own words here as I was talking with a friend and pointing out to her that her current relationship was with this person and not that person anymore. That which I might be guilty of as well. Second guessing myself instead of checking in.
Nat is right – each relationship is different and should be looked upon by their own merits and NOT in comparison with something or someone else. I also agree with the above posts that tension build release/validation up may have been the actual “fireworks”. The “oh thank God he still wants me” moment – fear. Fireworks and fear – what a combo – bang. My loving hubby does want me – that I know for sure so there is no fear hence no “fireworks”. I needed to get it straight in my head – thank you all.
As for posts about the ex – I try to keep my head on straight and remember the relationship mistakes I made in the past so I don’t repeat them. Much like the other day I had to stop myself and remind me that I need to speak my mind when something bothers me and not fall into the “don’t rock the boat” mode. Learning new relationship habits and making them stick is an ongoing process. I am still a work in progress – progress not perfection.
Hi MovedUp,
I do think that you have picked much more wisely with your current partner, from what I have read here in the comments. In regards to the passion, I believe that this is something that can be cultivated in a relationship. Passion comes from an understanding and appreciation of eachother’s differences. It comes when masculine energy and feminine energy do the dance together.
I have seen and witnessed couple whos have been together for 5 – 10 years who are more passionate about eachother today than they were when they first married. It is something that can grow.
You mention the word comfortable. And while a relationship should provide a level of comfort, security and so forth, it must also be a place where the two of you can challenge eachother, to grow and to learn together. Being too comfortable can kill the passion and therefore the full expression of both people involved in the relationship. So keep it in mind and remember to embrace your feminine energy to allow your man to express his masculine fully =)
Hot Alpha Female
Allison, I think you are wrong honey. The lady who married to Sparky was Movedon…She was really wonderful and she helped me with my dilemma with Asper Guy!
Movedup IS Movedon…she changed her name after marrying Sparkey.
Nat,
“It’s also safe to say that often when you feel that you’re compatible, you may actually be compatible for the wrong reasons. ”
Aboslutely. There were alot of things I knew going into my relationship with the last EUM. One of them was that we had alot of the same issues as a result of a chaotic and painful childhood. However, I felt that that meant that we were an ideal match, because we would understand eachother. I understand now that is as crazy as saying, I am an alcoholic, and therefore will only date alcoholics, because it is what I know, and then expect it to somehow become a healthy relationship. Something like two negatives make a positive. Now I understand that many of the things we had in common are actually the things I don’t like about myself and need work on. It’s been hard going these last few months, but with self-awareness settling in, I work every day to be a much more authentic person than I was last March. Now I wonder why I was so transifxed on him. It is hard for me to believe how much I thought I loved him, and how badly I wanted it to work. He seemed like a sensitive, soulful, misunderstood man who was struggling to make a change in his life. Now, when I get news about what he’s up to from time to time, I realize he is just a shallow emotionally unavailable man who cannot see the people who love him as more than extensions of himself, or value them beyond what they do for him. Completely lacking in empathy for others, capable of rationalizing any kind of behaviour. Underneath that, probably very scared and lonely. I can’t recall what it was exactly that I felt he offered that I wanted/needed to badly in my life. I don’t wish him ill, but I honestly hope I never see him again.
Live and Learn 🙂
Jasmine
Jasmine,
That was an excellent point that you made about ‘compatibility’ not always being positive and the alcoholic analogy that you gave.
That category of ‘compatibility’ is, I suppose, the same as what Natalie is always saying about you attracting (being attracted to) what you believe about yourself/where you are within yourself at any given point.
You are no longer attracted to your ex because YOU have shifted within yourself. That is when you look back and think in amazement, ‘how on earth could I ever have been attracted to him or thought that we were soul mates and had this fantastic ‘chemistry’?’ You now see if for what is really was. Dysfunction. A certain neediness on each person’s part.
How needy we are/were dictates how long we stay/ed, I believe. We will always come across AC/EUMs in life and people that will try to dupe you and pull the wool over your eyes. Our level of healthiness dictates whether one spots that a person would not operate at the standard we have set for ourselves and we pass them by ‘immediately’. Or, if charm has been initially used, to have the courage of our convictions and to love ourselves more to enable us to keep our self-respect, emotional integrity, health and peace of mind to move on when we recognise we are unhappy and gaining little or nothing from the relationship/ interaction.
It is a great place to be when you can do that.
I thought the alcoholic analogy was great as well! I have problems with drinking – that are under control – but I notice that when I’ve been out with another ‘drinker’ in the past, we fed off each other! And this is key for me, we allowed each other to feel ‘normal’ about our drinking! It could be fun (short term), but not REALLY, no real quality, and certainly not long-term. Two alcoholics are a dangerous combination – a trainwreck waiting to happen. An addict is much better off, when they’ve decided to recover, with someone who is either also in recovery – or doesn’t have the problem.
I can also relate Enlightened, as I look back on, not the last eum (yet )-:), but the one before that. and see so clearly that we did have a lot in common and our ‘issues’ played so very well off each other…in an incredibly wonderful, captivating way…that ended up causing me tremendous pain. He started something with another girl at the office (which was torture for me), a lovely, very beautiful, intelligent girl. And I watched, several months later as she broke down one day, crying just outside my window and I knew. I also overheard her bitterly talking about another of his girl ‘friends’ and I knew. I believe they’re still somewhat ‘together’ and I can’t help but feel so relieved it’s not me. He’s not the prize I came to believe he was. Only time and distance allowed me that perspective.
Though I really felt for this man and his issues, and fell right in for him, I can see now how desperate my feelings became. I can see how CONTROL, due to fear, was of the utmost importance to him. I understand. I forgive myself, but I do cringe just a little bit. Keeps me knowing that I never, never want that again!
@PJ,
Sorry to hear about the office girl situation. And sorry for her too, actually. I too had to deal with the fact that less than two months after we broke up, the ex EUM found another gf in less than two months. I sort of knew who she was, but I understood that it was inevitable: a part of me had always guessed how expendable/replaceable I was to him. I had seen him treat other women the same way, but thought I might be different because we had been “friends” (actually the friendship angle was more projecting on my part, I overvalued it) for so long before we ever dated, and he was going through therapy. Anyhow, that was me expecting him to make me the exception, which was very silly of me. I don’t keep tabs on him so I don’t know if he’s still with her, but it doesn’t matter if he is, sooner or later, he will, after months or years of acting like everything is fine, just leave her for something shiny and new, and he will tell her it is because she doesn’t perform to some level, even thought that was never an issue before. So yes, be relieved you dont have to deal with him anymore…who wants to be with somone who always has one foot out the door? Whatever thier M.O. is, they don’t change. No lost opportunity there.
jas
@ Enlightened,
Very true, and its not been easy for me to get there. Going into my previous relationships, I definetly thought that my worth was in fixing others, and I would always try to stablize unstable relationships, not asking myself if deserved better. I suffered from low self-esteem and sought validation from others. I was willing to tolerate behaviour that made me uncomfortable and wasn’t really thinking of the future. Now that I do, alot of the men I chose to be with in the past don’t hold up as men capable of being in the kind if relationship I said I wanted. The reality of it was I was scared to death of commiting, thinking all relationships fail anway, and secretly beleived I didn’t know how to be functional…how can I be functional when I haven’t had it in my life? I thought I could make-up for a lack of personal development by fixing and doing for others. With that sort of thinking, I was bound to end up in exploitive relationships, being the mom, or therapist for someone who needed to do thier own work. (Of course, this also helped me avoid looking at myself :))
Needless to say, therapy, being alone, dealing with myself is helping me get to that place to make healthy, honest choices for myself and not put somebody else’s opinion of me first.
thank you for your insight, jas
I think it’s important to note the physiological “hindbrain” aspects of chemistry that play a part in our (unhealthy) attachments. I don’t think it falls on the side of “all physiological all the time” but I do believe that the chemical cascade (of oxytocin and other dopamine agonists) during sex does play a part in our wanting to stay attached even when we know the person is bad for us.
I’ve experienced long dry spells without sex and now that I’m perimenopausal, my hormones seem to be going crazy and I feel like I can’t get enough! This is problematic because of the bind I put myself in with these lame guys. I just came off a weekend together with a man I’ve been seeing regularly for the past few months, although neither one of us is discussing monogamy and he has many EU behaviors.
The clincher came Saturday afternoon – he left my apartment about one hour before after spending Friday and Saturday together. I went outside and found him sitting in his car in front of my building surfing on his laptop! He had been there for over an hour. When I asked him why he didn’t come back in instead of sitting outside, he said he “just wanted to check some stuff on the web and didnt’ expect to be long.” He also wanted to be close enough to my building to pick up my wifi connection!
I left in my car and 1 hour later returned, and he was still sitting in his car in front of my building on his computer!
I read him the Riot Act Sunday on the phone and he apologized.
This afternoon he dropped a bomb on me, though: He was leaving tonight for Barbados for 2 1/2 weeks and “apologized” for not telling me sooner about his trip. The man didn’t even have the balls to call me and tell me on the phone: It was in an email message.
I deleted his email and tossed out the few small gifts he had given me. I AM DONE.
Chemistry sucks. 🙁 Yes, I let myself be used but sometimes I rationalize to myself that the sex is worth it without the commitment. It’s not. I know better.
Chemistry is very powerful for numerous emotional and physiological reasons. Keep your head on straight, ladies, and let’s not get led around by our chemical cascades! 🙂
“Chemistry”, to me, is something that many people hide behind to chase & maintain “feelings”….. usually a bunch of fleeting, lustful, impulsive “feelings” and actions. That kind of “chemistry” doesn’t help if the relationship is shit, nor does it helps with practical matters in life (rent/mortgage, continuing a healthy relationship, etc.). To me, it’s also an excuse to do dumb shit and hide behind “I couldn’t help it!”
Quick example: I know someone who flew all the way to another continent to see a man after knowing him for maybe 3 months; he said he wanted her to have his baby; she claimed she doesn’t want children before marriage YET had unprotected sex with him. When asked why she did that, she said “I couldn’t help it! I was caught up in the moment! We were so in love!”
Yeah….. Right. 😐 Needless to say, that “chemistry” fizzled out (especially on his end) upon her return home.
Don’t hide behind “chemistry” to cover up bullshit, stupid decisions, relationship insanity, assclown behaviour, and/or your own personal insanity. 😐 Real chemistry is what Natalie described and, more often than not, there’s no mistaking it.
Hoping everyone (maybe myself included) finds healthy chemistry one day.
Natalie says: “That said, if you don’t have sexual chemistry, it may feel like a friendship.
That said, if you have sexual chemistry but not much else, it may feel like a booty call/friends with benefits situation”.
WOW, just WOW, NML – Exactly! When I met my AC (I usually go for guys with black hair and brown eyes) and he was “my type” and chemistry was magical, we felt like a fire… and here I am became his booty call:-( I met so many guys who were not “my type” but offered me an availability and commitment, but it was not exciting for me, I found this boring !I have to say I am EUW, I don’t know how to be different:-( Maybe I just didn’t meet my Right person?
@movedup: I think fireworks comes from a bit of competitiveness and fear, a thrill, what some might seek in extreme sports. Think post-fight sex. I am not the one to ask, but I am looking to improve myself in some ‘fun’ areas so that when I meet a guy who doesn’t make me competitive for his attention, we might enjoy friendly competition say at basketball, wii, or scrabble. I think teasing, too, is part of generating sparks. I’d just rather be taunted with “want it? can’t have it!” by someone trashtalking me about my lay-up (which could then be resolved in the bedroom!) than someone taunting and teasing me with his hot and cold affections.
Re chemistry: I was not that interested in the AC in the early dating days and was taking it slow, even considering saying thanks but no thanks because of a *lack* of chemistry. (He was kind of full of himself, kind of not that insightful to talk to.) Then he took me out to meet his friends, and they were beyond impressive (people of high public profile in the news regularly who I was meeting in their ‘private’ social circle). Boom. From that day forward I couldn’t get him off my mind. It was like a switch had flipped and I was launched into the obsession that did not end on one level until I called it quits nine months later, and that on another hasn’t ended yet or I wouldn’t be on this site. It was a Cinderella story that felt too good to be true. Of course it was.
Expensive dinners and trips and glamourous parties where all I had to do was look great and not react when he flirted openly with others, put me down or disregarded me publicly or in private. Sweet deal!
I have since had lurching pangs of wanting ‘him’ back. The same body that gave me warning nightmares when I was with him is crying heaving tears that it’s all over. My mind is like, WTF?? We don’t even like him.
It has taken a lot of work to admit that I want – or at least, I am still turned into an absolute cowering, scared and fascinated child by – what he has (status, money, connections). It took even more work to realize that I must be kind of EUM myself, because right now the idea of a regular guy with regular money not only does nothing for me, I’m kind of put off by it. I don’t want the extra personal, financial and emotional risk of someone else’s life. I barely want the risks of my own. Only now do I see how I keep trying to play it safe/strike it rich, get the right job, the right salary, the right deal that will finally make me feel safe, i.e. ‘ready’ for a relationship. Sigh.
What has been important for me to realize is that these flipped switches are visceral, old wants. They’re lodged deep. (My family went bankrupt when I was a child, my Dad a passive, depressed and broke guy through most of my childhood, we never had enough money, etc etc). I guess my body remembers more than I do wishing and wishing to win the lottery so we could be happy.
I wouldn’t have thought I cared before. Never thought of myself as the princess type: I am pretty responsible and take care of myself financially. But the way I just fell — like off a cliff, and the way I was like a junkie for him — it was indeed CHEMICAL. Endorphins, adrenaline, dopamine, anyone?
S
You got that right on Lynn. My competitive side is quite strong. I try harder if I have to fight for it. Wrestling does sound like fun – lets see who gets the remote tonight!!!!!!
@Lynn – thank you – you just jiggled a thought. With the ex it was always at his place on his terms – no one else around. With my hubby we are at our place on our terms but my adult special needs son lives with us. As any Mom could tell you – quiet you will wake the kids always roams around in your head – getting caught is awful! It can be quite inhibiting. I think back to when hubby and I have had “fireworks” – when my son was off visiting his father (lives in another state). No one was around. We could be loud, rowdy and chase each other around the house without care. Another reason to celebrate the holidays – looking forward to my son going to his father’s house for winter break. Love my son but empty nest for a couple of weeks is much anticipated!
That is what I really needed to hear. Currently I have been 13 days with no contact. I hate the feeling sometimes! I know I am glad to be out of the relationship, but y does it hurt so bad sometimes?? Why do I sometimes miss him?? Why can’t I just forget him?? When will the pain subside. I told him I don’t wish to speak to him anymore and that I need my space to move on. In the future maybe we can be friends. We haven’t spoken since then. Now reading all of these posts I really don’t think it is a good idea to even go back there when I am healed and try to be friends. Would I be jealous if he were to tell me about a female girlfriend of his?? Is it really true that it will still burn?? A part of me wants him to remain in my life. R all of these feeling normal?? How long will it take them to go away. Has anyone ever had a successful friendship with an ex that you tried the whole relationship thing but it didn’t work?
I honestly think I just need to to focus on moving on with my life. Changing my values. Loving myself first!
Jay,
You can have a successful relationship with an ex, if they had treated you with love, trust and respect. If they didn’t, why would you want to return to this toxic individual, even on a platonic level?
The longer you remain NC, the faster the healing. Also, if you must recognize your complicity in this type of relationship, it will help you move on faster.
Thank you so much for this great post. I recently felt this type of chemistry for an unavailable man for whom in the past I would have pinned over and created some fairy tale ending and held on to illusions… not this time, I am moving on. I asked myself why I was still attracting this type of man and was beating myself up a bit over that but this post made me realize that it’s just a stepping stone and that by walking away I am learning to do things differently. That feels good, yeah!
OH MAN! When I was in my 20’s I was dating a guy where we had the most fantastic chemistry I had every experienced. SIZZLE SNAZZLE POP! WOW. Both of us were addicted to each other, but underneath it all we were too explosive together. After him, I never wanted that again.
Well, the recent A/C came real close to being the same thing as the guy in my 20’s. I’m in my 50’s. Do you think I will ever learn?????
Okay, so this is day one for me to do the No Contact idea. I really need to do it….have gotten myself into quite a spot! I am three years a widow this Feburary and am involved for the first time. The guy has a girlfriend! We started out friends….he knew my husband and had los his wife…so we went for walks and in some ways he helped pull me back to life. Now though it is not positive….he has a 5 year relationship! Yes, we slept together! It was/is great….lots of chemistry there. I need to have the strength to let him go completely. The problem or difficulty is that we also work together! He comes to see me daily. So what I thought I would do to start with…is not see him outside of work, no phone conversations, no emails….no skype! With regards to work….I thought I would not say anything yet….because we do both get busy and can’t always talk plus I am hoping to leave the area. I do not want alot of emotional stress at work….would like to keep it even keel….so my thought is to just quietly pull back within myself. It will be difficult and I need support daily…but I have got to do this. He says he loves me….but keeps staying with his girlfriend. Now I believe I am just filling in his time…..as his girlfriend does not have time for him. This is gonna be tough. How the heck did I get myself into this……I have never been in a position like this before. Gotta go for now.
oh dear. this is an very old saying: “what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”. . He is saying the gf doesn’t have time for him, etc. so he can justify his cheating. Did he tell you right out that he had a girlfriend or did he hide that from you for a while to hook you in? Which or whether nancy, you’re in a no win situation here. He says he loves you. Does he love you enough to “tidy up his house”, stop cheating on his gf , do the decent thing and end the relationship with her and be with you properly? Even if he did that, i’m not sure it would be wise to be with him straight away. He’s going straight from one rs to another and that’s not healthy. Five years with someone is a long time.
I would be weary of a guy that throws out an “i love you” so early too.
hope this helps!
and you know deep down
Chemistry is how we turn relationship crumbs into banquets. Like the parable of the loaves and fishes. I think another term for chemistry would be false intimacy. In these dubious relationships, both sides are rushing towards something at lightening speed. We use sex, secrets, misplaced trust, even gossip to create a greater sense of connection or intimacy than has been earned. We substitute motion for emotion.
In continuing to examine my last relationships to identify and break my patterns, the common thread (other than me) has been emotional unavailability. I had been told I was Sphinx like, unknowable, inpenetrable. Stand-offish. So, I decided to tear down my walls and let someone in. Really expose myself and my feelings in a quest to finally find intimacy with someone. Along came a toxic narcissist, whose boundaries never budged an inch. I thought because we had all these common interests and this great “chemistry” that this was finally going to be the guy, the one. I opened myself up and he took. Then he used it against me. The ultimate betrayal of trust. It wasn’t chemistry, although that was one of the many excuses I used to justify hanging in long past when I should have.
Trust needs to be earned. So does love, respect and care. It can’t be one-sided. I tried to love enough for both of us (anyone involved with a true narcissist knows what I mean). I wanted to believe that chemistry and attraction and interests equalled lasting, real love. Real intimacy. It doesn’t. It can’t happen overnight. It has to grow and evolve. I knew all this, sensed it very early on but ignored the signs and hoped. I wanted it all too badly and clung to anything that supported my view.
The reason he relied so much on email and texts was it allowed me to superimpose my feelings and read into it what I wanted. I discovered something during the forced mediation that I should have seen all along. When ever he talked about emotions, it rang very false. The mediator, who had never met him before, even said that she couldn’t hear any emotion at all when he talked about how he felt guilty about what happened or how he cared. I certainly couldn’t. This mirrored other comments my co-workers had made. One woman told me she had thought he was gay, because when he said he was hoping to meet a women and start a family, she said it struck her as the most disingenuous statement she had ever heard. Not a drop of truth in it. That’s why he hid behind the written word – he had learned that people around him could hear his lack of sincerity. I didn’t hear it till it was too late. So much for better living through chemistry.
Debra–
I think that a lot of these people (EU) (AC) (narcissists) have MAJOR issues with women, to the point of misogyny or actually being gay. Which coud explain their callousness/detachment/lack of empathy/being removed or distanced from their own feelings, b/c there ARE NO FEELINGS and they are pretending/whatever.
The one I knew who had the biggest impact on me (in terms of making me feel really badly for myself better than anyone else could!) I think was a misugynist. Also, he definitely was very removed from his feelings in certain situations. I am convinced that he, and other EUMs with whom I grew up who are a lot like him (but not as obvious as him), was taught from early childhood to have no respect for women, and that all women (except for mama and sis, if any) are just whores and out for what they can get, but of course, that a “nice girl” “quiet, respectful” “with a lot of money, don’t forget now!” is what they “wanted.” Talk about double talk and ambivalence!
Oh, btw, the MOTHERS are the ones doing this teaching, mind you!
Debra,
I had a very similar experience to yours, I think. I was definitely emotionally unavailable myself throughout up through my late 20s. Then, after getting out of a long-term relationship that was going nowhere, I decided to change, allow myself to be vulnerable, etc. The next guy was, well, narcissistic barely begins to describe him. But he was also brilliant and wounded and we had so much in common…you know the drill. I was devastated when he dumped me for his work and am only now, 6 months later, starting to really get over him.
So my question to you is how do you keep yourself from going back to being emotionally unavailable yourself? I’m really struggling with that because I don’t want to ever get hurt this badly again…but I don’t really want to go back to being distant and kind of cold, either…
blafla –
Great question, how do we not end up emotionally unavailable again? I think (or hope) that its like recognizing our bad patterns. The most important step in breaking the cycle is identifying it to begin with. Bringing it into your conscious mind, as opposed to it being something we do without thinking. I am hoping that knowing I was emotionally unavailable and seeing how I behaved as a result of that will allow me to make different better choices. I also have been looking at my beliefs that caused me to become EU. My negative internal messages – that I was unlovable or damaged or unworthy; or my belief that all relationships end or that its only love if its withheld. By facing those head-on, its pretty easy to see how I ended up here.
I think the most valuable lesson I learned from this site is about boundaries. I had mistaken the walls I had constructed to keep people at arm’s length for boundaries. I thought I was protecting myself but really I was hiding myself and my emotions (in the belief that they were wrong, or I wasn’t entitled to them) but allowing the men in my life to use me as a doormat. I truly believed that I had to put up with anything, in order to be loved. To be “low maintenance” and “easy going” and not demanding, in the hope that he would accept me and care for me. I see now how completely messed up that way of thinking is, and am working hard to rewrite my beliefs.
The last relationship I had was the most destructive, painful thing I have ever endured, but it was necessary to get me to where I am now and for that I am grateful. The focus is now on me and I finally feel in control of my happiness, feelings and relationships. I am no longer a victim but am making choices (good and bad) and accepting my role in what is happening. It’s not perfect and there has been major growing pains along the way, but I actually feel alive, content and calm for the first time in a very long time. I hope you find the same relief.
I had never really heard of narcissists before I met the AC and didn’t really know what I was dealing with till it was too late. I would like to believe that, with good boundaries in place, I will never fall prey to one again. They really are a nightmare. I may be emotionally stunted but he is without a soul.
Once you get past the ENOUGH moment with your EUM/AC past, declare your independence and take action to remedy the situation as best as possible or rather pick up the pieces of your shattered self and start to really heal. Then you get to that ENOUGH moment with your negative tapes that play relentlessly in the background. THIS IS POINTLESS -ENOUGH! I have been stuck in certain ones mostly dealing with my mother issues. Unfortunately she passed last week but before hand we had time to resolve issues.
ENOUGH OF THESE OLD USELESS BELIEFS THAT ARE NO LONGER VALID
Here are 6 steps I am using to move that process along
1 . Stop looking for other people’s approval to determine your own self worth.
2. Stop feeling responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of
others.
3. Stop thinking you can change what happened yesterday by reliving it today.
4. Stop spending time with people who have agreed to live with
negative states.
5. Stop believing you can only be as successful as you are wiling to push yourself through life.
6. Stop explaining or justifying your actions to yourself or
others.
7. Love me enough to put words into actions.
This is a tricky one for me to define. i think there is a real difference between sexual intimacy and experiencing “fireworks ” with someone. I wonder is there any REAL intimacy with fireworks and chemistry? Personally, i don’t think there is. Sexual intimacy should leave you feeling complete and at peace with yourself and your man; it should feel natural without too much of a big build up beforehand or big anticipation. There is a very good book by Barry Long called “Making love the devine way” – (Something like that). He talks about both partners being really present during sex – no closing your eyes or fantasising or anticipating the end result. i think to be really present with your man is real intimacy. lets face it, how many of us have let our minds wonder and go off into a fantasy world?! He actually doesn’t talk about chemistry at all but about the love between the two people.
Hi,this topic is great.I was attracted to my ex-EUM,it all started as the right chemistry,i longed to be loved,to feel needed,secured,i would say i wanted to belong to him.we talked over the phone for 2years,and i felt it was time to move to the next step.The late night calls,future faking talk made me fall so deep in love with him,i realised later after our 1st time sex he is not that into me.The so called ‘chemistry’ died when i woke up.He didnt even kiss me and say morning baby,he just went from a boyfriend to a friend overnight.I felt guilty,betrayed and dirty,i felt like a woman who was just picked in a club for one night stand.I want to thank natalie for her post ’30 things to be thankful about’,i once got advice here that says ‘be thankful he doesn’t call you’.That saved me from making myself hurt more thinking it was ‘chemistry’ something like love at first sight.I learned my lesson and im going to take my time to do things my way.Its not easy to get over being used but as its said we must also accept its our responsibility to guard against our own hearts,to think logically and be realistic.Im happy to find there is women like me,im not the only one experiencing bad chemistry regarding relationships.
This is perfect I am stuck in a rut yes!
I agree with Sue above I am divorcing this AC as I left him cause I know it wouldn’t work out as he was supressing me emotionally and mentally and wanted to change everything about my life as he didn’t like my past my son being one my religion being to my being divorced which he knew nothing so I guess the point is I was with him because he was the type I wanted as I was growing up tall handsome broad chest classy and fireworks in bed yes as I didn’t have any in my previous marriage
I am so frustrated right now with this connection with him as I can’t let go I want to but it’s there it’s unhealthy for me ss I’m slowly withering away to no mans land and he’s getting better by the day I’m trying everyday to pull my self esteem socks up but by the end of the day seeing him at work everyday they slip down and disappear
I see him and my heart flutters if he padres me I get butterflies I have dreams of us making love I cannot stand to think he’s with somone else thou we aren’t divorced but will be soon it’s horrible feeling this chemistry that’s eating me up
NML thanks for this cause I need to know why I feel like this and yes it’s my fault that I’m doing this to myself for an AC who is do cold….
I have often used the “chemistry” excuse with my ex mr unavailable. I realize it is largely just a physical attraction and probably even just familiarity now. Being intimate feels very ‘natural’ and ‘comfortable’ at the time because I am so used to it. I eventually broke up with him and am trying to do No Contact. I have tried it 3-4 times, and have fallen off because I have accepted a call or a text. I am still sticking to No Contact though. Did it take anyone else a few times of NC to finally toughen up and really really stick to it and get over their ex?? I really want to get some objectivity and move on.
El,
The faster you stick to strict NC, the faster you move on from the ex.
Good luck!
El,
yes it may take a few times. I am maintaining NC, actually have no desire to reach out any which way, BUT he is still trying to break through. I have accepted his last two calls, but interestingly each call just reaffirmed his A/C, NARC little boy 47 yr old selfish self. My rose-tinted glasses are off and I found myself listening to him from a different perspective, neither of the conversations surprised me, none of the topics he brought up surprised me.
He was testing me, inquiring about my dating status, brought up our “passionate” moments as still the best, said we’d be together again, asked if I miss him. In summary, I am proud that I was cool, non-commital, and just laughed at his inquiries into my business, which I politely informed him was none of his.
I have learned through therapy and research that when dealing with this particular breed of A/C, often NC is extremely challenging for us to hold to. The manipulative tendencies, mind-games, and false self, make it hard for us to reconcile what actually occured. If you can get to the point where you learn about these men, how their minds work, how they just don’t think/feel like regular humans do and see his behavior/actions/comments as reaffirmation of their A/C ish, NARC behavior it helps us to accept and move on. It is not validation from him but validation from yourself, the better kind. Your knowledge, your instincts finally your gut feelings, meeting your heart and mind.
I know that in listening to him last week, and two weeks prior, I am more able to see him in a different, clearer, less flattering more truthful light. Funny thing is he is “heavily” involved w/ the OW who he fast-forwarded a realtionship with while we were together, broke-up her then current one, lied to both of us cheated on both of us with a third OW, and is now telling me we will be back together. All his ugly deceitful behavior is only two months old.
I am relieved everyday that he does not call, and maybe next call will remain unanswered by me. But I am allowing myself the option of listening, of using my form of NC because it serves to reaffirm what I have finally accepted, the truth of him.
Now the OW is being emotionally cheated on with his feeble attempts to hook me in as the fall-back. His patterns don’t lie they are just showing up much sooner with his next victim. AHH I am not her, I will not be her ever again! That is relief and strength and healing for me.
I have to admit feeling a bit of sadness, a tugging at my heart after hearing him speak. But it was more related to the reaffirmation of who he really is, and me feeling sad that who i thought he was truly never existed. I fell in love with a man that never existed. I am now able to digest that and be Ok with it. I truly have no desire to contact him. If/when he calls again I may/not take the call. It depends on how I am. If the curiosity is too strong I will use the call as reaffirmation of my new perception of him. I am strong enough for that.
Natalie — the words “learn to love yourself” appear constantly all over this blog. But how? recovering from my AC/narc heartbreak I’ve been spending most of my time moping about indoors, weeping, overeating, taking no exercise; I am putting on weight at an alarming rate and am becoming increasingly immobile. I know this is wrong, damaging, appalling, dangerous. But how can I force myself to go for a walk or a swim? I start each day saying I will, but somehow I just can’t. I’ve been on a few dates but only by cab to a restaurant, eat even more, cab home then back to lying on sofa all day eating chocolate and weeping about my ex-ac. How do I make myself, force myself to love myself?
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/100-tips-thoughts-for-better-self-esteem-because-if-you-dont-like-love-you-youll-choose-people-that-reflect-this/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-2/
are just some examples. Read the section on loving yourself and work back through the archives.
I don’t just bandy the words around willy nilly -there’s over a 1000 posts. Read the archives. Put stuff into action. Do the opposite of what you’re doing.
Also you answered your own question – it’s because you’re doing nothing, taking no action and are unwilling to do the work. You want a shortcut. You want to go on dates so someone else can love you and you want to take a taxi to restaurants. That’s absolutely fine but you have to own the results. We’re all allowed to wallow somewhat after being hurt but after a few weeks, it is time to force yourself to get on with things. Just like many have to force themselves to go to work, to take care of themselves etc. It’s a choice.
NML, I agree with you. Wastedlove, you absolutely have to do something. Every day a small baby step forward, will then become a larger step forward. But you have to force yourself. Its kind of like smiling to another person, then the smile becomes spontaneous and natural and uplifting . That something positive becomes a good healthy habit. It becomes a positive belief and action. It will feed on itself in a healthy way. Relish any positive feeling you get and hold to those.
Sounds like your wallowing and making yourself wallow. I suggest don’t push the dating issue it will only make you miss him more if youre not over him. You inadvertantly can’t help but compare the two. I truly have no desire for dating right now, I dont want to set myself up for the comparisons I know I may still make. You don’t need another man to make you whole, that comes from only you.
Go easy on yourself, this is not an easy journey. I know that personally. WE all know that. I have broken down and sobbed uncontrollably, been paralyzed and unable to put one foot forward, so I literally crawled forward inch by inch. I literally looked in the mirror and saw a person that I didn’t recognize. I looked like I was mourning the death of a near and dear family member. And no one died. I realized that I was letting him, his rejection of me and my/his entire misperception of our relationship control me and effect me so. I got tired of the swollen eyes and upset stomach. I put on loud dance music and forced myself to move, I started therapy when I saw how I was effecting my children and I found this site. Time and small movements forward are helping. I still slip, but less of a slide and less painful too.
Keep up with this site I have been following your posts. You CAN and will be better. Youre thoughful, articulate, mature, and caring. Those qualities beat our exA/C any day.
I am learning so much from you Natalie. Yes, there’s a big difference between a person having “flaws” and unacceptable behaviour. My guy thought of his “forgetfulness” as a FLAW. But i realise it was a downright of lack of caring. and Nat, you are so right, we cannot continue to make excuses for these guys. And what you said to me yesterday really helped me, deep down i knew it, but i needed to hear it. Blessings to you Natalie.
@Nat thanks for the links, it’s hard to find all the old blogs when you are a noobie here.
@Susan thanks for taking an interest in my journey. I’ve read your posts also and am astonished at how similar our stories are.
I had a long chat with a Samaritan Friday who says I have all the symptoms of clinical depression, and that cannot be cured by trying to just pull myself together or snap out of it. A close friend agreed so I am going to the doc’s for antidepressant pills on Monday.
“don’t push the dating issue it will only make you miss him more if youre not over him. You inadvertantly can’t help but compare the two.”
It’s the men I’ve dated cannot compare with the ex on the sexual attraction stakes, but to converse with people who are interested in ME means they win the comparison with my self-obsessed ex.
Like you, Susan, I find that a little contact with my ex is in fact helping me. I turned a blind eye to his flaws because the sexual chemistry was so amazing, but now I’m not having sex with him the pheromones/hormones no longer blind me and I am left to face the stark, unpalatable fact that he is boring, self-obsessed and so totally absorbed in his own little world that he actually, genuinely has literally nothing to offer any woman other than sex (and the odd cooked breakfast lol).
“You don’t need another man to make you whole, that comes from only you.”
I didn’t realise until I read this blog that I’ve always looked to men to validate me. I feel really stupid not to have realised this before. I also never realised that I had no boundaries, not with boyfriends or with platonic friends. I sooo wanted to be liked and loved that I tried not to have any boundaries whatsoever and to never say no to anything.
But I am currently practising new ways to relate to men and online dating is really helping me because being contacted by lots of men gives me endless opportunities to practice implementing my new-found boundaries; blocking those who show disrespect (i.e. practising doing NC); and “teaching” those I chat with how to treat me to get my continued attention. When you have so many men making contact there isn’t the pressure of “allowing some bad behaviour because of the scarcity of men”. Because of the ratio of women to men I can afford to be extremely picky and choosy and to instantly reject any who put just one foot wrong.
“Go easy on yourself” seems to be the opposite of “You have to force yourself to…”
“Keep up with this site”. I’m addicted to it!
” I have been following your posts.” Thank you!
“You CAN and will be better.” Thanks, I am feeling so positive now!
“Youre thoughful, articulate, mature, and caring. Those qualities beat our exA/C any day.” Thank you! You are too, and we are much better human being than they will ever be.
Chemistry is my downfall and it took four years to realise
this. I could never see nor understand the part I played in
enabling unacceptable behaviour. I kept falling for good looking
men who would sweep me off my feet with words and romance all the
while choosing to not take into account their disrespectful
behaviour. If I paid attention to what the last EUM/AC said, how he
acted, contextualised it, and took into account the primary method
of communication – text – whatever we had would not have lasted
more than a few weeks. Thank god I found this website. With 2010
drawing to a close I’m certainly thinking about what I want in
2011. When it comes to relationships I’m listing boundaries first,
values second and then the superficial. By doing this, I can bring
in the new year with a different mindset and a conscious awareness
of what I really want which will allow me to be strategic in my
approach. Assess the potential/future of a relationship based on
boundaries, values and wants and needs (e.g. proximity, job, sense
of humour etc). I think it’s imperative that during the first few
months of any relationship, when we are in the lust phase, that we
never lose sight of the bigger picture. What does this person
really bring to the table in a relationship? And what behaviours or
actions am I ignoring in the hope that they will either go away or
be looked upon favourably by my partner? Love/lust is nothing more
than a set of chemical reactions. When the initial euphoria
subsides you are left with the person. I’d rather be alone than put
up with someone who is mistreating and disrespecting me. I am
single and i’m damn proud of it.
Buffy, I read your post with interest. I, too, am changing
and making plans for 2011. Online dating sites have provided me
with a stream of men upon whom to practice my new boundaries and
I’ve been getting used to rejecting men who don’t meet my criteria.
I’ve now set my bar so high and rejected so many that the supply
has dried up. So, either I have to be prepared to stay single until
the perfect one comes along or lower my standards bit by bit. On
the “chemistry” front, I didn’t feel ANY sexual chemistry with any
of the men I’ve been on dates with. Despite the utterly appalling
things my ex has done and how distasteful I find his personality, I
still yearn for him sexually (though less than I did when I was
actually sleeping with him) and given the chance, yes, I’d have him
back in my bed without the slightest hesitation, so I guess I still
have a good way to go yet until I am 100% “safe”.
Where men are concerned, “chemistry” is just another way of saying “she’s good looking and she smiles at me”.
Where women are concerned, “chemistry” is partly about his looks and partly about how much of an Alpha Male he appears to be.
Workshy Joe, women can be alpha too and actually, I am not sure its that different for men and women. “Chemistry” is just a euphamisim for how sexually charaged the conversation and situation is getting and of course because you don’t KNOW the person on a first date its all about looks and the presentation box, ie how good the wrapping is on the real thing. Maybe its just bullshit and we should all try to think with our brains rather than our nether regions. There ain’t no brains down there that’s for sure! That’s why taking it steady is good advice for both men and women so you aren’t knocked down by the chemistry and run over by a whole different idiot male or female once you have the wrapping off!