Dater’s Block is when you end up with a sort of paralysis about proceeding with dating. Primary concerns are wondering whether you’re ready to date again, being fearful of getting it wrong, and even more pressing, whether you’re going to get burned again. It’s actually at the point where you’re reaching readiness, or where you’ve already tentatively dipped your toe in or have even met somebody, where Dater’s Block is most likely to strike. Dater’s Block runs on fear. It’s fear of change possibly including fear of being done with your previous relationship. It’s fear of effing up and disappointment, fear of using up the one chance you’ve given yourself, fear that the next relationship might go somewhere and you might not be ready or perfect enough, or that if you go ahead with this person you haven’t even met yet, that you could end up missing out on something better, or that in twenty years time it might be over and you might kick yourself. It’s fear of ‘feedback’ and yes, criticism, and it’s fear of being judged as less than perfect, so of course if you don’t try and instead procrastinate, nobody’s going to get close enough to chip in their two cents plus you’re not going to have to expose you to more of your own judgement. Of course this is a trap because once you have Dater’s Block, you end up giving you a hard time about it anyway.
Dater’s Block has a lot to do with why a lot of people break No Contact (or are tempted to) when they’re actually making a lot of progress or are getting to the acceptance stage of the grieving process. They panic because they realise that they’ve been getting on with their own lives, that they’ve barely thought of their ex, or are even feeling attracted to someone new. I also hear from a lot of people who effectively want to almost grieve perfectly – it’s amazing how much perfectionism can affect so much of our lives. They end up with Dater’s Block because they want closure to look a certain way, or they want an apology or to have 100% of the answers. Some want to feel perfect before they can date, or are waiting for the perfect moment or to be given some sort of sign from magpies or a psychic or something. And some people want to know the ‘ending’ in advance so that they can know that they’re not ‘wasting’ even a moment of their time. Of course they know this is unrealistic and can’t avoid the due diligence that the discovery phase of dating involves, so they end up stuck and frustrated.
Often, particularly when a lot of our self-esteem is based on judgements we’ve made about previous ‘mistakes’ and where we feel that we’re less than up to scratch, fear takes over and we limit ourselves instead of having the freedom to try while trusting ourselves to have and to act with our best interests at heart. We end up being so critical and judgmental of ourselves that we can’t go anywhere as we’re afraid of making one false move and not getting things ‘right’. Some self-compassion including patience and a willingness to listen to you, would pave the way to unblocking so that whether you’re single or having a go at meeting people and of course letting things unfold, you’re not living in fear (and responding to it) nor are you feeling persecuted by your self-judgement and criticism. Your thoughts?
PS I guested on my local community radio station earlier this week. You can listen to the recording of the show here.
Add to favorites
Yes, I have dater’s block. I just want it to be easy. I have a vibrant life and am around lots of interesting people, this is only quite recent after staying in all the time when I lived elsewhere. I believe somewhere in me that if I keep living to the full, I will cross paths with someone special, but at the same time it feels impossible. I don’t know which is the more truthful feeling or how deep these layers go of belief and disbelief. Maybe my resistance to ‘shopping’ for people and instead relying on serendipity, is really a strategy to avoid putting myself out there, or is it because I’m romantic? It’s what my gut says, but in the reasons I feel conflicted and I think both are true.
I had a crush on someone but yesterday saw the red flag and that it wouldn’t go anywhere any time soon, if ever, and I certainly can’t wait around in case. I’m very disappointed, even though I know it doesn’t reflect on me. It tells me I’m over the ex.
Is it unrealistic to have the ‘strategy’ of saying yes to every invite and enjoy life, broaden horizons and expect something to happen eventually, is that not enough? So many areas of my life are great and while I worked very hard for them, they came out of opportunities, being in the right place at the right time. Is it wrong to be opportunistic when it comes to dating? I feel somehow like I’m doing something wrong and there’s work I should be doing, but I have no idea what!
@Happy B
I really related to this “Maybe my resistance to ‘shopping’ for people and instead relying on serendipity, is really a strategy to avoid putting myself out there, or is it because I’m romantic?” because I have been criticized about this lately by a friend ( one of course, who is in a horrible relationship with someone she met on line ). I really delved a lot into my ideas about this, due to her ( rather consistent) comments to try to get me to internet date, or go out with one guy, who I was physically literally repulsed by. SO this is what I think.
Two things: are you sure it is you who is questioning yourself, or are you kind of feeling pressure from others or society to “get back in the game”? For me, I, as well, am not averse to dating, but I want to meet someone special and I have gone out a few times with guys just because they asked me out and I felt obligated to “get out there”. Honestly for that no more. I just am not willing to date out of obligation: I would not want some guy on a date with me who did not like me, but felt pressured to meet just anyone so that he was giving me a whirl.
Re; societal expectations. I think that, for my friend, I symbolize an old maid, as I am older than her, and happy, while being single. She is afraid that she will end up like me, by this I mean single ( which she might, but she won’t end up happy because she is so needy to be with someone) and thus, she is projecting her fears on me. Meanwhile, I feel the opposite; why does she feel qualified to judge me when her own romances are always so dysfunctional? I sick of hearing about her drama and the absurd actions of this last jerk, who she for some reason seems to think is her last chance…I would rather just keep up my hobbies and interests and keep my eyes open.
Anyhow back to point. To this end, this is what I discovered about myself from my interactions with her about this issue. I for a brief time, toyed with this idea that I was not putting myself out there because of some fear…so deep that I did not even feel it…but now I think that that is not really right. I am not afraid of relationships, I am kind of just over some of the “methods” that a lot of people rely on nowadays, such as internet dating…or dating just anyone to “practice” dating.
Thus, I have to say I think that it is best to not “shop”.
I tried internet dating and honestly I am sick of the cheesiness and people misrepresenting themselves. My friend’s fear of being alone is making her throw herself into internet dating, bars…basically any way to meet a man to avoid dealing with her inability to be happy alone.
I am not advocating staying inside all the time, or not getting out there, but living your life, being happy and being active in the things that you love might introduce you to someone special, whereas shopping via the internet might just bring frustration. Maybe just do both if you can stomach it, but I am taking a break from the internet for a while.
re; my little vent now. One more thing, just for the community, to maybe give me needed feedback. I am getting on a tangent but honestly, I am also feeling like I need to distance myself from this friend because it is making me irritated always having to defend my being self-confident, to her. She is a good person but her relationship issues kind of mess up our friendship:ex she lied to me a few weeks ago after calling me to talk about her bad relationship; she wanted to get together, I gave her a time, she never showed up and then lied as to why and later I found out that she was with him. I could have done something fun during that time. She is a therapist and again, she has this deep rooted pattern of bad relationships. The things that she puts up with are maddening. She will put up with men swearing at her, neglecting her…and she keeps trying to reset it all back to the beginning. At first I felt bad, but now I am kind of mad because it is like she does not respect my right to be who I am. She acts as if being a therapist makes her the expert on when a boundary is reasonable and when it is too high…but she literally is so codependent and she has no boundaries that she acts as if anyone who has them, is too rigid. For example, the last time we got together, I told her about this guy who had flirted with me for several hours, asked for my number and took two weeks to text me a “whats up” and an “offer” to get together that night. When I told her that I said no, she actually told me that I should have just told him that I liked to be asked out several days in advance and that maybe I needed to realize that guys these days are more “modern”. She basically was encouraging me to grasp at any attention like I need to be desperate. I am not desperate. I am attractive and I am accomplished; I don’t need to settle for last minute text dates. Furthermore, why should I explain how to act to someone who takes two weeks to call me? It is so bizarre. I did not even realize who it was, it had been so long. I am in my 40s and so is he: I am not so desperate to even have to explain to a guy that age, how to ask out a woman. Why would I be interested in some guy who takes weeks to make contact, and lazy contact at that? It is so frustrating when the women around us settle, because then someone who doesn’t gets criticized.
How do you distance yourself from people like this without seeming “mean”? I feel like she will just make up her own reasons for me being distant, but honestly, I worked hard to be where I am now emotionally. I don’t need somebody who has very little boundaries and who is in an abusive relationship, judging me. It is tempting to say something like “Stop judging me and start looking at yourself, your romantic life is always a mess” but I would never do that. But I really feel like I need friends who are more supportive and who have boundaries. It is all a little codependent for me. I grew up with people who stepped all over my boundaries. I don’t want friends like that.
Okay now I am sounding like a bitch I know oy-vey lol! Just needed to get that off of my chest:)
Dancing
You could maybe not talk about relationships? Some friends are good for that but not others.
Dear Dancing,
I want to thank you for taking the time to tell your story, especially in such detail. I had a horrible day and reading your post has been very very good for me. Thank you.
You are on the right track. You are healing from your ex, and you are putting yourself first in your own life and enjoying yourself and making healthy choices. Don’t compromise that. You are a good example for me to follow.
I broke up with my MM 4 months ago and am almost over him but not really. I have been NC for 19 days, until I broke it just now. Why did I break it? Because I had a blind date Friday that was not attractive, then went to the internet dating and found that to be unpleasant. I was doing just FINE with my grieving and healing until I “FORCED” myself to make the next step and make the dates happen. I get what Natalie says, don’t put your head in the sand and watch Downton Abbey every night of your life. Like you, I am trying to get out there in my own way. I go to public places and events by myself and keep my eyes open. I have conversations with people. I am doing good positive healing things for myself like reading good books, exercising, eating healthy foods, hanging out with girlfriends, and family, going to therapy, taking meds, and so on. I felt in control and happy about my life.
But after spending an hour wondering why the guys I like online do not like me, and guys I don’t like like me, and so on, I got so discouraged. I started to cry, and then I really really started to miss my ex. I sent him an email. He has blocked me and the email bounced back. I should have been glad and shut my laptop, but instead I sent him another one from my other email, which I know he got. What the eff? How stupid, I know!!!! I know he is not good for me, I know we need to be over, and I know I need to move on.
My point is that I agree with you. Getting out there and being open is a good thing. FORCING yourself to look on the internet is not. If you can’t do it, don’t do it.
Regarding your girlfriend. We all have friends like this. If you are on a diet they bake you a cake. I would not cut off the friendship. Friends are important. But I would strategically “minimize” the hurt she can do to you. Get together less often, and for shorter times. Do things like go to a movie so you don’t have to listen to her blather. If she starts the conversation going that way, just change the topic. If that doesn’t make it more tolerable, then get more and more distanced over time as you make new, healthier friendships with women who have their stuff together.
If you were getting off heroin you would not want to hang out with someone else who is using it.
I regret breaking NC after 19 days, but I am going to go for a walk, get busy, do some work, and yes watch Downton Abbey. Tomorrow will be a better day. Call it a lesson learned.
OregonGirl, I can relate. I’ve been broken up 5 months tomorrow, today is day 7 of NC. I would’ve been long over my x if not for two things I’d done wrong. One, I assumed we’d have no problem staying friends, so kept in touch, emailed, met for coffee once etc. And each time he’d make contact, he knew just the right thing to say to send me into a spin again. (One example, once he emailed me promising I will “meet the right guy someday”. Uh, no, dude, you’re the wrong person to say this to me! That comment, coming from someone who I’d thought was the right guy, and who’d dumped me without any warning or reason, messed with my head for a good couple of days.) I don’t know if he does this on purpose, but what he does certainly works. Last week, apropos of nothing, he suddenly dropped the bomb on me that he now has a new gf. He went back to the same dating site where I met him, two months after he broke up with me. 2.5 months later he got off the site with the new significant other. And then he had to tell me about it without being asked. It felt like a slap in the face. It undid all the work I’d done on moving on, and set me back to right where I’d started when he walked out. After realizing this, I wrote back and requested no contact and have not heard from him since.
My mistake #2 was that, as soon as he told me, back in October, that he’d started dating again, I thought I had to do the same, or else I’d look like I was sitting around waiting for him to come back. I went back on OKC, dated there for two months, went out with a total of nine people, some got serious, but none of them worked out. And yes one thing I finally noticed was that, after each bad date, I’d come home depressed and upset, missing my ex, because what he and I used to have was so much better than what I was getting from OKC guys. Now I’ve dated online before and I know full well that it’s a numbers game, and that for each good date, you have to go on a dozen bad ones – but my problem was that each bad date set me way back in my moving-on process, to the point where the handful of good dates I had during those two months, were not worth it. At least, not now. So three weeks ago, I deactivated my account and am taking a long break. There’s a time and a place for anything, and I have a feeling that it is too soon for me to be dating just yet – Natalie says so herself in her No Contact Rule posts, to take a break from dating when you’re starting NC. A day will come for you and me both to get back out there and meet new people, it just hasn’t come yet.
I agree, Dancing’s friend sounds like a piece of work! As someone who has been in a dysfunctional marriage, it would’ve never occurred to me to give marriage advice to friends while I was in that stage, and especially to put my friends down for not following my advice – wth?! Heal thyself and all that.
Dancing Queen, I think like many people commenting here, I want a loving relationship without selling myself down the river to get there, and my biggest concern is whether I’m being unrealistic. Like I love my job but even when I was highly qualified and experienced enough to do it, it didn’t get me anywhere. I then had to market myself and be some enhanced version and go through a huge amount of disappointment and rejection before hitting the jackpot, and then it was fortune as well as the preparations that got me there. So I wonder if I have to go through all this before I find that one relationship, the formalities, the discomfort, the feeling of being in this huge circuit of people, many of whom are far ahead. I’d always believed if I worked hard and was good at what I did, I’d succeed, but no, I needed this new dimension of knowledge. This is why I wonder if similarly I have to ‘work’ at dating in order to have a relationship, or have I worked hard enough already?
But I don’t like to make direct comparison between relationships and other parts of life, and I think it’s only become like this because in this society things have become so technical and quantified. Certainly many friends see online dating as just about the only way in. I have one friend issue very similar to yours, someone I stepped away from a bit because the way she saw the online thing disheartened me, pressuring me to do it and asking me to downplay my achievements so more men would approach. As though I’d be better off with a load of men approaching me who are intimidated by intelligence than fewer who are secure in themselves- I only need one for crying out loud! I will not shop, I’m so uneasy with the whole idea and I’m with you on this, I ask myself if it’s self-sabotage, probably as you say because others make it seem like it, when really it’s the games that’s a problem, and I just hate bad dates! It’s not like looking at cars or houses or jobs or cats, I find it plain icky to be around someone who wants to get close to me sexually or emotionally when I don’t feel the same, that’s not something I need ‘practice’ at. I’m not saying my attitude is ‘right’ but it’s just how I am.
I’ve also had frustrations with others implying that I should accept anyone, and like you I find it offensive – because it is offensive! As my self esteem has improved, I’ve noticed people don’t do it as much. This person is not a good friend to you. She should be proud of you for turning down the ‘offer’ and understand that no way are you, nor should you be, that desperate. It sounds like she needs validation for own behaviour and would get this by convincing you she’s right. She sounds similar to the friend of mine I mentioned and I see her as being quite insecure and trying too hard to belong, I don’t say that cruelly but in a way that it stops you from taking it personally and allows you to step back without drama. A bit late, but new year hugs 🙂
dancingqueen- No, you’re not sounding like a bitch. Maybe it’s an American thing, but my friend/roommate and I are very open with our thoughts and feelings. If one of us felt annoyed or offended, one of us would totally say to the other, “Stop judging me and start looking at yourself, your romantic life is always a mess.” But we have that level of trust and mutual respect built, which makes a difference.
Anyway, Grace’s advice is good. Should her conversation turn to relationships, maybe something along the lines of, “I don’t want to discuss it,” would work? Or maybe, if you really do want to distance yourself altogether, just become busier than a world leader for a while until you muster the courage to tell her that you no longer wish to be her friend? It’s a difficult conversation to have with someone, but we don’t like the games ACs paly with us so why do it to somebody else?
dancing, you sound healthy and strong, not bitchy. I really identify with what you said about not being desperate for a lazy text 2 weeks later and that your friend has issues with your healthy boundaries. You are doing the right things. Real love with find you and it will be right. Hang in there.
I am paranoid about dating again after my last horrible relationship with an EU married cheater and championship liar. I have gone NC but still have flashbacks of all the bullshit I fell for. When someone breaks your trust it’s hard to believe anyone will ever be trustworthy again.
I want to be open and accepting of a new love, but I can see I have to heal from this last loser before I can be there for anyone new. The only bright side is knowing that the ex is pretending like losing me was a major blow. Somehow these cheaters turn themselves into the victims after the lover wakes up and tells them to shove it. It’s reaffirming to know I left such a pathetic creep. I’m sure seeing my ex behaving like an assclown will accelerate the healing process and allow me to find a more suitable love in the future.
Ditto!!!
I’ve recently started thinking about dating again after being single for at least a year. I got asked out about a month ago and the guy keeps drip feeding me ‘lets go to lunch soon’ but never follows through, so I mentally flushed him and left it at that. I’ve had to switch gears in my head from healing (fear and EU) mode to dating (open and available) mode. Which means; I can’t approach this whole thing with my boundary stun gun in hand and I have to feel like I’m dateable and worth it. Both have been challenging for me, but I’m doing it. Example…the latest guy who asked me out and keeps flaking….I don’t really care, it might be him (EUM?), it might of been me (bugger in my nose, talked too much?).. whatever ,but I’m not taking it personal which is a big step for me. Also, I don’t want to tell him all about himself. I don’t have to prove my worth, thats the beauty of it. I decided that he knows he’s a flake, and by my lack of response to his text’s anymore he knows I know it too. No drama, no fuss, just flush gracefully. It’s so good to not feel desperate, to not have my insides yelling ‘pick me’ like he’s the key to my future and making me behave like an emotional circus clown. My life is quite nice now and the circus has left town without me. I do have some fear of losing this peace I worked so hard for instead of the old fear of being alone that drove me to stay in unhealthy situations. Quite a reversal for me. I think I’m on good footing to actually date in a healthy way though, without desperation, probably for the first time in a LONG time. Guess I’ll just see what happens as I emerge from my cocoon for a look. I feel ready but not in a hurry. One day at a time.
PS. It crossed my mind that I might feel more ready than I actually am. I haven’t dated for a bit so the old triggers have been left alone and aren’t so touchy right now. Are they healed or just quiet? Guess I’ll find out. (takes deep breath)
Selkie, you have spoken the words of my heart down to the flaky guy. We could be living the same life!
Hi Rosie. Not that misery loves company, but it’s a wonderful thing here on BR….someone gets it no matter what stage we’re in. Some one relates. In our case, peace loves company, and boy, how hard is it to leave our nice comfy cocoon after weathering the storm? We can say that the recent flaky guys in our life were a good measuring stick to start off with. We had hopes, which is good right, but when our flakes didn’t come through we didn’t crumble and go back into our shells feeling defeated. I’d like to say that translates into self respect and self esteem for us. Now that is something to celebrate! Those flakes missed out.
me too:)
woo hoo Selkie! Spoken like a strong woman who knows what to watch for but isn’t afraid to try. You are right to think he’s a flake and to just flush gracefully without the pick me syndrome. I’m with ya girl. It’s been over a year since I have dated someone steady..actually it’s been longer than that but who’s counting. We can do this!
I think I’ve just reached a point where my Dater’s Block is because the dating sites are not meant for dating anymore. It’s been years since I’ve met a guy online who has asked me out and we’ve had a proper date.
It’s a lot of hesitancy or guys wanting booty calls. Which I don’t even respond to. As a matter of fact, I don’t online date at all anymore starting about 2 months ago.
Being 33, with a 13-year-old son, my situation is tricky. The guys I used to date are now married or are just now entering into the “I’m getting divorced stage” that can often happen. When I see a man on the bus or train or coffee shop, 9 times out of 10 there’s a ring on his finger. (It’s the first thing I check.)
For me, I find my self not dating not because I’m not over my ex or downtrodden or scared of judgement. It’s because I don’t seem to meet people due to work or other obligations, like being a performer in Chicago. And I like myself. I don’t apologize for my weirdness or likes and dislikes or the things that make me me.
And I’m super independent. Of course, when I have been in relationships that balances out considerably — but I think it might be overwhelming to a lot of guys. Here’s an early thirtysomething woman, with a good job, her own apartment, raising an incredibly well-rounded, confident, interesting kid, who does improv weekly, performs musical gigs, open mics, has her own style, etc.
I’m just waiting for the ones who think that my independence and drive is a bonus. I don’ t want to focus energy on dating frogs to find a prince. I want to focus energy on writing songs, and stories, and hanging out with friends, and living a life that doesn’t require a partner but instead attracts one for being complete as it is.
You can’t find that on a dating site. And I’m not sure you can always find it, to be honest. But I’ll take my chances.
I’ve stopped focusing on dating because it didn’t feel fun or nice. It felt like a chore.
I think what we are asking men to bring to the table in this day and age is less provider and more emotional bonding and sharing. Men are not socialized this way and therefore a woman who seems to have it together scares a man away because what he is comfortable with and used to giving in a relationship is no longer what we want and need from them. Socialization for men needs to catch up to the current independent feminine role and so far there has been nothing in place to educate and transition men into being the partners we no desire. Lacking the emotional tools keeps them from doing the work on their own and until we make them step up and into a new evolution by not accepting crap behavior we will have be alone.
I meant to say partners we now desire. 🙂
“Socialization for men needs to catch up”
Problem is there is an increasing and very active/persuasive movement out there choosing not to catch up, i.e. backlash (and by backlash I’m not just referring to a backlash against feminism or speaking in feminist terms, for want of a better description).
I would use less difinitive language, however the evidence is readily there and available.
The more independent women become (which is unavoidable), the more the socialisation of men appears to regress.
*definitive 🙂
I can relate to this. I tried online dating twice, learned on my own skin (literally) that most guys are only in it for the booty calls.
Now I’m back online, but still guarded. I’ve heard many people who claim they’ve found true love there and even single mothers, so I’m using my optimism to be open-minded. But shoot, third time around, I still see the kind of “thug-looking” guys checking out my profile and it CREEPS ME OUT! I have suspicions as well that when they see you’re a single mother and “they live at home,” the guys are repelled more than bug spray on gnats. I do miss having an emotional connection and that is my biggest motivator not to give up on this. I may have to wait a bit, but I’m not going to quit as soon this time around. Plus, I now know the early warning signs of flakes and guys not serious enough to do the “courtship” phase.
sad they run from woman with children. I tend to see the same thing an it’s so sad…their loss because my kid rocks.
Tess, I agree with you completely. You don’t have to date. People can be happy single. It seems that many women think they have to date all the time; they are afraid to be single.
It is amazing because I came to this website in this exact situation and this article is the first thing I saw. You hit the nail on the head. What are the steps to get “unblocked” and back into the dating scene again?
I’m experiencing dater’s block right this minute. I met someone at a party a few weeks back, he returned to the US but since then we have been emailing and talking regularly on the phone (most days). I am very attracted to him, but I have my new found boundaries in place and my AC radar on high alert. He suggested that I go visit him in the US and I said yes. I’m going in a few weeks, but now the decision is made I’ve suddenly become quite scared, I’m frightened in case I end up really liking him, I’m terrified of getting hurt again, what if he is another AC? I think he may be experiencing doubt too. During the last phone call I mentioned that I like dancing, Paris and a few other things (it is supposed to be the discovery stage!). This seemed to affect him and he suddenly went quiet. Ten minutes after the call he rang back to quickly tell me that he lives a very simple, quiet life, doesn’t go out dancing and doesn’t want to travel! I reassured him that I was simply mentioning that I liked dancing, Paris, etc. I hadn’t meant that I wanted to go out clubbing every night or even travel! Since then we have both gone a little quiet and I have absolutely no idea what is going on!
Lilly, I just had to respond because I know you have been through a lot and I already see red flags flying if you are looking for more than a light romance.
1) He doesn’t like to travel but you 2 seem to live in different countries? You’re already planning to travel to him but he doesn’t like to travel? Huh?
2) You said you like Paris and dancing because you do like them and probably lots of other things that make you who you are. He can’t even open his mind to your interests and the possibilities of enjoying them with you. Furthermore, he actually called back to made it clear and your reaction is to minimize the importance of your preferences to hold his attention.
Maybe, he’s manipulating you by withholding attention because you had your own interests, maybe not. I don’t even think it matters if he’s an AC. My take is, if you want to get your feet wet and have a fun little romance that even involves travel(!) and nothing more, enjoy the experience. I just don’t think you should hang your hat on this guy for more.
In my case, I got involved with someone over a year ago and it was fun and mostly easy because I knew it wasn’t going to turn into a “great love.” I just ended it but I am so glad he pursued me and I had that r/s because I had some fun, sex, new experiences and memories post AC. He was young, cute and sexy and respected in his field (related to mine) and very social. I knew he was not for me for the long haul and that was ok. Now, I think I’m getting closer to being ready for a real relationship if I met someone but I see what I enjoyed with this guy as a gift that helped me after the devastation of the AC.
FX
I think you’re absolutely right.
I’m doing the online thing and have made it a rule that I’m not getting involved with anyone more than an hour away. I need to be able to see them on their turf, and mine, regularly and in a low key way. I don’t want the pressure, fantasizing, expensive traveling, etc, that goes with long distance.
Also I am getting more and more suspicious of men who contact from far away. What scenario do they have in mind? A sort of weekend getaway B&B thing? Indicative of an EUM or worse. I live in the central belt of Scotland, a well populated area so there’s no reason for it.
Really? Mymble is in Scotland! For some reason I thought you were Merkin. On the topic though, Lilly, the guy is definitely physically unavailable, as for the emotional availability, the red flags are raining already. By taking it upon yourself to go to him, you are already investing. What does he bring to the table?
Lol Teddie
I’m neither a merkin nor American!
FX, grace, Mymble, Teddie,
I agree there are a lot of red flags flying. He’s been ringing me constantly, sometimes twice per day, for a few weeks now, but has suddenly gone quiet or at least I think he has as I haven’t heard from him for a couple of days. It wasn’t the first time that he’s pushed his lifestyle on me (quiet and simple), and I think he just wants me to slot into place. He’s been fast forwarding the relationship saying things like he may ask me to marry him (which I took as a joke) and that when I visit he won’t let me go home. He made it quite clear that he wouldn’t relocate here. I know they are red flags, but it didn’t really concern me that much as I was aware of what he was doing. I just sort of went with it because it makes me feel wanted and cared for. I just feel bad now because he’s not called which goes to show I’m more invested then I thought. I think grace and Mymble may be right about long distance there is a lot of pressure and fantasizing and maybe I should be more wary, but he seems genuine enough. Although I intended to pay half he insisted on paying for my flight to visit him so I took that to mean he was seriously interested. Perhaps I’m just not ready to date yet or perhaps I’m just over thinking the whole thing and should chill out a little.
Lilly
I dunno but I don’t like the whole scenario – he’s the one with the fat wallet, he pays the piper and he’s calling the tune. The power imbalance is not good. He’s blown super hot, and now he’s blowing a little cool, you’re anxious and insecure. How well do I know those feelings.
The man should be mad about you, and willing to travel to you if need be. Not many people like traveling but if he is seriously into you he will do it.
Don’t be his FB girl, if he won’t get off his arse then flush.
“The man should be mad about you, and willing to travel to you if need be. Not many people like traveling but if he is seriously into you he will do it.”
Yes. And he wouldn’t be saying things like he doesn’t like to travel. He’s already telling the future – on his terms.
I wouldn’t spend any time trying to convince him otherwise or change what was meant, i.e. what someone else here mentioned as watering down own interests to please someone – that’s not healthy. And I’d probably be thinking about seeing if I could cancel my flights, especially if money isn’t abundant [but if well off, then – maybe see if change destinations is possible 🙂 ]
Lilly
I say no to a long distance relationship. I don’t think travel and dancing is really an issue as I’m sure most couples spend 90% of their time at home rather than travelling and dancing, even if they both like travelling and dancing. Unless they’re professional touring dancers.
But you two wont be travelling, or dancing, or spending time at home!
He’s prob not an AC, most ppl aren’t, but logistically it’s too difficult. I know there can be exceptions but he is little more than a stranger.
I’m with the others Lilly – no to this online guy. The very nature of the interaction automatically causes someone to be unavailable and while some argue there are many online dating success stories, there are an infinite number of heartbreaking stories. Someone who doesn’t like to travel – isn’t going to travel to see you. They’re telling you red flags to heed.
Lilly,
Isn’t this the same older guy who made condescending comments to you some weeks back?
I agree with the others! It doesn’t make sense to start an international relationship, and why the heck are you traveling to him?
There are the other signs with the comments you focused on i this post.
Hon, you’re repeating the same patterns with your ex, by getting involved with someone who is not physically or emotionally available. You’re putting yourself in a hurtful position. Please recognize it.
Lilly,
You have only known this guy a few weeks before he left to go back to the US. It’s very good of him to want to pay your fare to go visit but you hardly known this man at all or who he really is.
If you do decide to go I really hope that you will be staying in a hotel nearby or somewhere other than in this man’s house or apartment for your own safety. In fact you need to bring this up with him before you go and if he’s ok with that, make your own booking through a travel agent. If he’s not happy with you booking a hotel don’t go.
If he’s an honest man who genuinely likes you he won’t have a problem with you making your own independent sleeping arrangements.
You seriously need to have a big re-think on whether you should go at all. This all sounds rather impulsive on both sides and perhaps he’s also wondering if it was such a good idea as he doesn’t really know you either.
Whatever you decide be very careful, put your own safety first. You will be thousands of miles away from your family and friends if any goes wrong.
Pauline and Lilly- This is exactly what I was thinking as well.
@Lilly,
Ask yourself right now “How is this ‘relationship’ making me feel?”. Whatever answer you get, that is what it will be making you feel like, for the most part, considering you just met him and he is already freaking out. You are accomplished, wise and strong. You have lots of options. This is a good opportunity for you to flush a bad-seeming option and this will make you feel great about taking care of yourself. The red flags are being waved. Good luck!
Insideleg, Mymble, Allison, Pauline,Rosie, dancingqueen,
Oh dear, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been overreacting a little. He said he keeps labouring the point that he lives a very quiet life as he doesn’t want to give me false expectations. He’s also been busy, but has resumed his daily phone calls. I think I’m suffering from the after effects of the AC. I’m literally terrified of feeling that bad again. I’m being over vigilant and whilst there are some flags waving I think he’s worth checking out. He said that if I didn’t go over to see him then he would come and get me. I’ve decided to go visit him, but have taken on board everyone’s comments, thank you so much. I won’t water down my own interests, I’ll keep looking out for red flags, but perhaps I won’t immediately jump to the conclusion that he’s an AC and out to hurt me like the other one. I also think it’s a good idea to stay in a hotel rather than his house and he’s happy with that and has offered to arrange it for me. Thank you ladies.
Lilly
Very glad to hear he’s happy for you to stay in a hotel nearby, it gives you both time to breathe and have your own space at the end of the day.
I wouldn’t worry too much about over reacting, you absolutely need to keep yourself safe.
He’s got a clear message that you respect yourself first and that’s a good thing, men appreciate women who know their own worth and know how to say NO to inappropriate situations.
I hope you have a lovely holiday although you may need a few pairs of thermal undies in that big freeze over there.
Stay safe girl.
Busted. 🙂 Thank you again for calling me out and kicking my butt into gear. I am ready, but I think I want to know the ending. What fun would that be anyway?
I think all the things in the post apply to me, but it’s because all those things mean that one was in a relationship that didn’t bring joy, but pain and misery. In short, why would my subconscious want me to date when ‘date’ is the equivalent of ’emotional hell’.
There is joy, peace, contentment in my life. I don’t think it matters where it comes from as long as I have it.
Maybe someday Mr. Wonderful will come along and sweep me off my feet….I won’t be less whole in the meantime.
Yes, ‘date’ does equal ’emotional hell’ in my mind. Can’t seem to stir-up any hope that i’ll meet, be attracted to and able to get to know someone in a healthy and rewarding way. All that comes up when i consider dating is how i’m gonna protect myself, it really doesn’t seem worth it.
Scares me a bit because my culture (U.S. but many are the same) is hyper focused on ‘pairing’. I can find hope and optimism in my self for being engaged in and an active part of my community. It really helps the ache of lonely to get out and volunteer, get invested in what’s outside of but still surrounds me.
Still, sometimes i feel inundated with messages that if i don’t partner-up it’s a sign of deficiency/personal inadequacy and i’ll be lonely forever…
I think, ultimately, i’m still in the ‘healing’ phase and sometimes glimpse or can anticipate a future dating block.
Even tho dating isn’t where-i’m-at, I like reading this blog because it helps me process (reclaim 😉 a lot the baggage in this healing time. Using this time to work on my relationships as a whole (all the way down the line from strangers to family to friends etc) and find that even if i have to tweak things a bit i get good ideas on how to improve these relationships here.
Along those lines… Thanks for the post, it prompted me to check-in with myself. I see my fears but also maybe a light at the end of the tunnel?
Cheers
“Still, sometimes i feel inundated with messages that if i don’t partner-up it’s a sign of deficiency/personal inadequacy and i’ll be lonely forever…”
I believe that if you feel inundated, it’s because those messages are everywhere and impossible to avoid – they’re insidious and I can’t help to think at times that it’s by design. That’s not being paranoid or hypersensitive – it’s paying attention to the very real messages that are around every corner. You can’t walk out the door, turn on the radio, read any media – without being bombarded by advertising, people’s attitudes et al. Should it matter? Try as one might, it’s pretty difficult to ignore such blatant reinforcement.
Einstein
I’m with you on that one. We are run primarily by our subconscious and mine has ended countless relationships. But there alwaus seemed to have been a good reason. I think that is where our dating block comes from. so how do you move forward when your SC says no way!
I think what’s important to remember is that each of us has been given something special. To be happy, we need to see what that is, and be truly grateful for it.
Would it have been nice to be in that movie where I have a wonderful, handsome, adoring husband? Sure, but I’m not and I don’t NEED it to lead a rewarding life. When I got past the UNRELENTING ANGUISH – that I don’t have to describe in detail to anyone here – I began to realize that I had been truly blessed in so many ways. My life may be boring, or fall short of what makes other people happy, but they aren’t living my life.
I was given what I got. Would I trade it for a male companion? No. All things considered, I feel very fortunate indeed.
Natalie, I’m telling you- it’s as if you have read my mind. I have done lots of work to get over THE assclown and sometimes I feel like I just want to be alone and comfortable. Only problem is, as much as I deny it, I’ve become very interested in dating again. I keep pretending not to notice interest while telling myself nobody’s interested in me…crazy. You hit the nail on the head concerning worry about being burned again and wanting to know if I’m wasting my time. One thing I have promised myself is to stop looking in all the wrong places and to move in circles where like minded people dwell. No more forcing the fit and jumping through hoops. Your insight is astounding.
So spot on. I expect some epiphany after I’ve declared myself undatable post breakup. But after a two year relationship how long should I wait? I’ve heard half the length of your relationship is appropriate. One year? Ok, challenge accepted. Except that he got married three months after we broke up. So if he’s moved on, I could move on, too, right? Turns out I have a few potential new men, but I’m afraid of messing things up, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of not feeling the same passion, afraid of bringing another failed relationship into my young son’s memory. Also afraid that if I don’t take these men up on their dates, I may start being too old and undesirable to anyone else.
I’ve also been on dating sites and only rank men positively if they somehow remind me of my now-married ex.
Paralysis. Paralysis by analysis.
“Except that he got married three months after we broke up. So if he’s moved on, I could move on, too, right?”
Moving on quickly is one thing (e.g. the post-break-up short-term rebound relationship to boost self-esteem) – getting married three months after the break-up of a two year relationship is in another league, yeah?
“how long should I wait?”
I don’t believe there’s any set time limit – only we as individuals can know whether we’ve truly evaluated if we have crappy relationship patterns and if we’ve resolved those (or begun to), or at least reached an awareness that will allow us to make better choices in future.
I would add that you need to feel healthy enough to cope with the normal rejection that will be encountered during the dating process. After being in a r/s that is demeaning and full of rejection, the last thing you need is more reinforcement that you are somehow defective and unworthy.
“Except that he got married three months after we broke up.”
WOW. And I thought I’d heard everything.
As for him moving on, that’s not what I call moving on. I was a rebound in my last relationship. Didn’t like it one bit! It’s like constantly having the ghost of the ex-wife in the room with you, popping into every conversation (sometimes literally making contact with him when I was there) etc. And he moved nowhere as fast as your ex did. This is a train wreck, a disaster waiting to happen.
I am not sure about half the length of a relationship. After 22 years together with my x-husband, that means I should’ve waited eleven years? – no way! I’m guessing you’ll be ready when you feel you’re ready. And there’s no shame in giving it a try, realizing you’re not ready after all, and stepping back to give it more time and try again later.
I’m only just now starting to recover from dating a Ms Unavailable. I did everything you mention in your blogs, and so did she. I’m still trying to figure out just where my boundaries went on vacation!!
Now the thought of dating is a bit intimidating, as I’m still scared of finding yet another one. Working on that, mind you:)
This is pretty much what I needed to hear, thank you! Just have to make myself take that first step…
This has been me for a year and a half now. It is a new year and this post of your has inspired me to date and get out there. Let’s hope this “block” will be broken this year. Happy New Year all!
Oy, I was just thinking about this theme on my ride home from work and I hadn’t even seen the post yet. If I never dated again, I wouldn’t care. After six years of trying to find someone on line and meeting (and establishing relation’shits’ with a few), I have come to the conclusion (I guess I am a slow learner…funny for a woman with two masters degrees in education…) that the vast majority of on-line men in their fifties are far more emotionally stunted than women in their fifties. And drama??? They say WOMEN are more dramatic? I think not! My last ‘relationship’ was a year ago, he dumped me after the all-time winning future fake-o-rama, and turned it around on me like I dumped him. Oh, well.
Oh, well…I suffered. I fell into a deep depression. I cursed the world. I tried to get back in the old on-line saddle again only to find I was getting disgusted with what I was finding, and almost everyone I encountered used the same BS lines. Enough.
Now I look at the idea of dating, of being with someone as annoying. I want the freedom to go where I want to go, eat what I want, watch what I want on TV and not have to worry what some assclown thinks, no, decides I should need/have/want. I don’t want to diet/exercise myself into insanity to fool some 50+ year old that I can compete with some 30 something chick in the body department. INSANITY. I don’t want some fool commenting on what *I* am eating because I might get ‘fat’, yet he has a gut comparable to a seven month pregnancy. I don’t want to deal with guys who say “I’ll call you” and call four months later. I don’t want to deal with guys who aren’t over their ex wives. I don’t want to meet another guy pretending to be divorced and is such a dope that at some point in the date he slips up and refers to the ‘ex’ as ‘my wife’ in the present.
My goal for the next few years is to get my art to a point where it becomes a central part of my life. To make sure my kids become responsible adults. Pay my bills. Be good to friends and family. Be secure in my skin. If a man comes in and can find a place in MY world, great. But I won’t be looking on line.
I can identify with a lot you have said. Dating? What the hell is that? Men these days have no concept of what that entails. Call me old fashioned but it is going out and getting to know one another then deciding how to progress. It isn’t a case of hit the sack and if the sex is good carry on which most men seem to expect. I’ve met lots of different men and the one things that strikes me is this; many are weak and manchilds, they don’t know how to dress and their idea of dressing up is a clean pair of jeans, keeping fit and at a healthy body weight isn’t on their radar but sporting a beer belly is, many just want a woman to leech off and hold their hand in life, they have no idea of the type of woman they wish to meet hence the test driving cars scenario, they also are broken chameleons changing their tune to fit what they think the woman wants to hear and lastly most are very one dimensional. Now if they met a woman who was all of these they would label her a shallow, gold digging, fat bitch and a slag! Double standards. In the meantime I’ll pass on dating thank you as I have both block and apathy with no intention of seeking a cure. I dress well and keep fit and trim for myself not to please a man. My holidays are always good as I don’t have to fit in with anyone. I can go to bed as late as I wish and sleep late. My money is mine and what I spend it on doesn’t have to be accounted for. But most of all I have my freedom and emotional sanity.
Ah, the chameleons, saying one thing in one email or conversation, only to say another in the next – then deny it (or worse). Crazy making.
Do these people honestly think others are that stupid? (Rhetorical – I guess they do if they keep doing it, and I guess there are times they get away with it, too). One jerk I knew kept trying to tell me he was just a poor communicator, that what he really meant was… Except that what he really meant involved changing the entire meaning of what was said, changing actual events, words, entire sentences, etc etc, based on my having called him on it, not just clarification, if you get my distinction? Utterly disturbing that anyone could think behaving in such a way is believable/acceptable – and – get offended because they felt their honesty/intent was being called into question, LOL. Fascinating – in a petri dish way.
I don’t believe these are uncommon experiences, either. I believe many are conditioned to give benefit of doubt to such jerks, too readily. Woman needs man. Woman will put up with crap to keep man. I also believe that it’s getting worse – some basic, essential development is being lost to peer orientation vs parent orientation. There’s more emphasis on valuing things such as ‘sameness’ vs developing beyond that, e.g. healthy acceptance of differences.
I think it also seems to be getting worse because more and more men are still expecting women to mother them, caretake them emotionally etc – basically parent them, and given how many of them appear to have grown up with “issues”, it’s like pulling teeth.
There also appear to be a lot of women who will put up with crap in order to avoid being alone – because society/parents/friends say being alone is Bad (TM).
Feistywoman – I’ve noted with interest the amount of times your posts are criticised by others on BR, often for staying true to the very values or beliefs that NML posts about, purely it seems because you are Feisty 🙂
Many times you’ve been told what you are and what you’re not, by people on here who’ve never met you. And yet you’re not posting about anonther AC you’ve just broken up with, nor re-hashing a past AC, struggling with NC, etc etc.
If you don’t mind my saying – I’m glad you continue to post 🙂
Tracy, Feisty, InsideLeg,
Touchet!!!
Inside leg thank you very much for that, it confirms what I suspected. I speak as I find and that is the way I am, no hidden agendas just a genuine, honest person who has become stronger through the trials of life and lessons learned, some the hard way. I know my own boundaries what my values are and will always plough my own furrow. I now put in place my BR lessons in life which serve me well. After all this site is about learning to redefine our lives, not just dating with Nat’s advice.
The few guys I have dated just seem to be looking for fun. And I am thrilled I picked up on it quickly and set healthy boundaries. I would rather wait for someone who’s more like minded. I shut down online. Nothing but creepy was winking. I’ve heard about success stories and see the commercials, but not one of my friends, male or female, has had luck with online. Lots of disappointment and drama.
I am so tired of living in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being me authentically in case I’m not good enough, fear of meeting yet another ass wipe who means me and my children no good. One of the reasons I go forth hesitantly is because of my children. I decided to go celibate for 18 months. No more booty calls, no more first date/sex/no more dates. I worked on getting my internal image and my compass back to north. Going forward, not backward. After 18 months, I met someone on the Internet. Fast forward to “what the hell did I get myself into?” then 8 more months reeling myself back in. Then 4 months with someone who was still involved with his divorced ex, who proclaimed he loved me, told her about me and she broken heartedly sobbed for another go with him. So he dumps me by holding me in his arms, saying how much he loves being with me, how happy he is and then whispers how he is confused and must go away. And says listen to the song “And you let her go” by Passenger. poof. Alone for the Holidays. yet again. 7 weeks of compass sorting and I truly do have daters block. This article described me and makes total sense to me. Curling iron is getting hot, I’m getting my face on and I’m going to the movies alone. I’m going to strut my stuff to the coffee shop first, then off I go. EXPOSING myself to OTHERS again. It feels good. Exciting. A bit scary. Wish me luck!
I’m dating again, online dating because I haven;t met anyone naturally in the last year and I do feel I am over my ex, well, we’ll see. It’s so hard some days to believe that I will have a successful relationship. I am independent, but turn dependent with men, I want then to be a provider and yet, I seem to be attracted to the free flowing soulful ones that many times can’t hold down a job. I find this is in my way, and the ones with the great jobs are narcassistic, actually so are the artists. I don’t know, it all feels so hopeless at times that I choose (when I can) to not think about it, not think about the furture, not think about whether or not a man exists for me. I’ve dated a lot and I’ve been in many short term relationships, so I can pretty much figure out the guy in one date and how and why it’s going to end. People say give them a chance, I have done that sooo many times and I’m always right about what I thought. No, I do not want to be right, I want to be happy, but if I see something, I see it, I can’t not see it!! This is why I have daters block. Also, I have loosened up quite a bit and found that I was willing to go on second dates several times, but they didn’t contact me, so no second date. I don’t pursue them, I don;t know maybe I should since it is online and there are so many women. I’m traditional and I can’t seem to shake that after decades of dating.
Natalie, this post couldn’t have come at a better time. I recently ended things with a married man. I have completely removed him from my life (NC for about a month), and thankfully he lives in another country. Since then, I have been courted by another man. The good thing is that he is not married at least. Although I can already recognize some potential red flags, I find myself entertaining the idea of going ahead with this dalliance – simply because I miss having that emotional connection with someone. I’m not sure if this a sign that I’m fighting this dater’s block you speak of, or rather, that it is in full effect right now.
actually, I need to correct something, I expect men to be the main providers during the courtship realizing that once into a solid relationship we will share….problem is I’ve never gone beyond courtship phase into solid relationship phase. Has anyone else gone through this and got to the other side (the other side being a solid relationship after many many failed courtships?) If yes, how did you do it? Thanks!
@Selkie: I think triggers become quiet as you heal, so both can be true. I like what you wrote about recognizing what’s happening with the drip feeding and mentally flushing this person. Keep breathing….
@tes1023: I think online dating is a big source of the drip feeding Selkie mentioned… In my experience, many people seem to want to be penpals indefinitely. Recently I talked to someone who enjoys video games too and invited me to play online with him. I replied that I wasn’t looking for game partners and did he actually want to meet? He said ‘sure, sometime.’ After wrestling with wondering if I was being too picky, I keep returning to the fact that this doesn’t feel right to me to play online games and not meet, even if it is a genuine precursor to meeting rather than drip feeding.
I both really want to meet someone and really like my life and self without the agony of mismatched lives. I remember positive connections and the difference between those and the negative ones.
I’m open to dating, though I still think I have a few things to sort out personally before I’m emotionally available. Then there’s the fact that I just don’t like the quality of men who have approached me. So I repel them fast. That’s where I’m at right now, repelling the schmoes and making room for someone good. I seem to have historically gotten to this point of repelling inappropriate prospects and then slipping. I think there won’t be anymore slip ups though.
Maeve-
” I seem to have historically gotten to this point of repelling inappropriate prospects and then slipping”
Yes. It’s usually when I feel lonely, isolated, or alienated or something similar without realizing it. So then I wake up in a mess and wonder, “What just happened here?” Lately I’ve been taking stock of my feelings each night. It’s frustrating that I still have to do this, that I’m still no expert on recognizing/processing my feelings at the time I’m experiencing them but I’m getting better at it.
What’s a spot on timing for this post. I do wonder how on earth Natalie’s last 4 posts were so perfectly timed to my needs? Some books I read would suggest that it’s the law is synchronicity where things just come to you at the right time as long as you allow them to do so and yourself to notice that they are:)
Blah blah bla 😉
I am so going though similar to Tes! Similar age and a son who is just under 9 years old.
I tried so many different dating sites and what I concluded recently is that they did more harm to me than good. I can’t see it in any other way but that anyone that I might be attracted to simply filters me out because I have a child. Why would someone who hasn’t or even has a kid want to date someone who has one when there are millions of other attractive females who are completely free ie no children? So I am left with people that usually have some issues which comes across in their messages or even of I proceeded to dates it quickly because apparent that they are desperate , try to recover from being dumped or they are just not who they said they were.
I read so many comments after one of the posts about people lying about their basic characteristics such as height, interests, job, marital status etc. Wtf?!?! Why do they do it? Are there women out there who will shag
Them based on these “improved” pieces of information ?? If a girl wants just a one night stand why would she care what job the guy does ? And so on….. And by the way these lying guys must have so much self love if they have to create profile that pictures them as someone else , possibly as far as they are concerned a better version of them, the attractive version of them .
Anyway! Is online dating simply not for people in early thirties with a kid?
I similarly to some posts above would rather meet someone without online dating but it does seem almost impossible. I want to work on the believe that it’s impossible and change it to: of course it will happen but currently that first believe is just getting stronger! How to manage that??
Where and how to meet people that are just at similar stage of live as me and value similar things to me here in uk? I have a child who lives with me , I rush home to him every night but
Can get babysitters etc to go out on dates. But I don’t have time or desire to go into the numbers date , I don’t want to waste my time to go on dates with people who date almost simultaneously 5 other people. I am sick of it. I don’t want to chase after a man, I am a female and it is only natural (no??) that I want to be desired by a man and the test of it? Instead the online dating tends to take that element away where it almost seems i , we ladies , should try and impress the date with our uniqueness or eff knows what to get their full undivided into other ladies (because they must keep all options going , what if they miss out on something better??)attention.
So does anybody know where to
Go to find quality man who are not spoiled enough by all women here in uk who will so happily provide them with a booty call or sex from a first date, to be interested in someone who is a mum (but also has lots of interests, great job, is independent , attractive etc – you know all these basic things in place next to what I value: honesty,
Family, friendships, companionship resourcefulness , healthy lifestyle, education and continual development and my needs such as the emotional closeness , reliability and just love )
Or should we hope to find when we are not looking? Is it that those who are not looking will find and those who are looking will not?
I need some solutions 🙂
“I need some solutions”
Take it offline and put yourself in situations where you are meeting people in real life?
I view the net as a research tool – a glorified newspaper; shopping centre; encyclopaedia; library; a way to stay in touch with friends and family overseas. But NOT a dating tool.
I kinda look at it as going back to basics – when things were less ‘crap’ (for want of a better description).
I was on a web site the other day that showed a collection of pictures a guy took while riding the tube in the UK in the 70’s and 80’s. All of the comments in the comments section were people noting how much easier everything seemed back then, how much safer it was – not romanticising it; rather commenting on the reality that back then things were different. Because things were different, and things were easier.
Looking at the expressions of the people in the pictures – quite different to ANYTHING you see today, anywhere (i.e. not just the UK).
My problem is more like Dater’s Apathy! I just can’t be bothered with the whole thing! I know I want to go on and meet someone and not be alone for the rest of my life but I don’t have the impetus for it. Does this just resolve itself, when the time is right, or do I need to ‘force’ myself?
I’m currently dealing with a period of ill health brought on by not taking care of myself or putting my own well being first and the thought of using my free time for dating just seems so pointless when I want to spend my time looking after me for ME, not for the purposes of making myself a potential girlfriend. Plus, as other single parents know, when spare time is precious you don’t want to waste it on crappy dates when you could be spending it with people who you are guaranteed to have a good time time with – friends, family, MYSELF.
But I miss sex. And I’m not going back to a situation where I put up with sh1tty behaviour to have regular sex with someone. Gone are my one night stand days – they sex isn’t usually much good anyway – the next time I go to bed with someone it will be because it has long term potential.
But the thought of dating? CBA. So no sex, no companionship, no affection. It’s the price I’m paying for Dater’s Apathy.
Maggie – I miss sex too. But I have a b.o.b that has been doing the trick for the last few months. LOL
also, I am not sure I want to do the online thing anymore too. I found a church where most of those that attend are close to my age and I thought maybe that would be a good way to meet people and maybe a potential boyfriend. However, I find myself lazy on sundays and have been sleeping in instead. You could also look through meetup.com for groups in your area of common interest. Its a great way to meet people!
I have been single for several years and I can’t say that I regret it because I think I needed the time out to just figure what I am about and what I want/don’t want in a man. My problem now is that I am probably too comfortable in being alone and I don’t actively seek for opportunities to meet new people. As soon as I feel anything getting too personal I bail. The last guy I met that I thought – maybe this time – got really flaky the moment I showed interest and later admitted that he was in a relationship. Last year I found myself mulling over what-ifs and entertaining a bad boy who made it clear that he was only talking to me for sex.
This year I want to be brave and just try more. I am at a point where I understand my values and boundaries and I need to trust myself enough to let go.
Thanks Nat for this timely post, as always.
Uh…This is just to let everyone know that I, Rosie who has been posting for a long time, am not the Rosie that posted the above comment (I haven’t read your comment, Rosie, nohting personal, just clarifying! 🙂 ).
I have to agree with the whole boycotting of dating sites thing, after just recently getting out of a “relationship” (and I use that term loosely!) with an EUM I met on one. I found through observation, that a lot of these men aren’t to be trusted, simply because they’re ON these sites in the first place…they may initially join to genuinely find someone, but then cruising down the dating aisle at Tescos becomes addictive…even perusing profiles and contacting just for the hell of it begins to be a hobby, a bit like gaming!! Once these guys realise what an immense resource they have at their disposal, they quit looking for the “one” and adopt an easy come, easy go attitude. Myself…I’m resolved to not returning…it’s too impersonal and often cloaked in deceit, authentic people just end up baffled because they don’t “play the rules” of the online daters!
Dater’s Apathy…That’s it and I have it. I’d like someone in my life but I don’t want to bother; put myself out there.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there isn’t anyone out there for me and nobody is coming any time soon.
I don’t want to date because my autonomy is more important to me right now than anything else. I just simply don’t want to allow anyone input on my life choices at all. The trade off is freedom for loneliness. I just don’t respect most people enough to let them in.
I’ve been going to a local sports bar to watch football games and have been getting to know several of the others who regularly attend. I’ve been having fun, having a good drink and meal, and realizing that men are checking me out and talking to me.
There is a local cafe with free WiFi and amazing view of beach & bay, and I go there about once a week. A few days ago a man chatted me up, we traded numbers and he has called and asked me out! So I will go on a date soon, and looking forward to it. We have some mutual interests, live in the same community, and both like beach walking and bike riding. (I live near a beach now!). I noticed his polite articulate intelligence. Refreshing:).
To further rid my dater’s block, I have found local activities to weekly attend! I’ve been on a home renovation project, and now have time to balance my social life. I will Country line dance, join a new choir, and a few other things. Oh, I joined a local resort spa/gym that has an amazing hot tub and heated outdoor pool. No excuses to stay in lonely, and trying to keep positive vibes and words to continue bringing goodnees to me and from me! PS: the beach walks here are amazing, and there is a particular area of trees with a married Bald Eagle couple! Makes my day when I see them 🙂
Angelface, you’re my inspiration! I’m so phobic of online dating but what you describe sounds the perfect way to just get out there and about and let things happen organically.
Good luck to you 🙂
Yay Angelface 🙂
I wonder if part of the mental block for people is the going out alone part – just like ending up alone, going out alone is seen in a similar light (i.e. boring/bad/whatever). But doing it is a good way to meet people – offline.
@angelface,
exactly! meeting regular seeming people, doing what they like to do in public, much better than cyber-land!
My issue is one a bad case of “dating rage”. I have done everything one is supposed to do to “get out there”. Did the work of healing from my broken marriage, trying hard to move on after the devastation wrought by the at work AC. Was on multiple sites, am active in the community, go to lots of races all over where there are fit, healthy men, burn through a ton of gas to meet men,volunteer at civic events. Spent shiteloads of money upgrading my wardrobe, stay in serious shape, even forced myself to try and accept men I had zero attraction for as the stupid blogs tell you to do. Give, give, give. Nada. Left with a bad atitude and two maxed out credit cards. I gave it a good try, for about three years, I don’t think it’s a matter of not trying hard enough. Frustrating, as I see women around me far less successful, who haven’t healed, some not even divorced yet, land the great looking, intelligent guy while I am told to accept local drunks, deadbeats, or learn to be completely alone; ironically, these same folk don’t want me to leave and give me crap for planning to retire early. My hypothesis is this: since most of the men my equal live in the great urban metastasis down the road, they have their pick of women there; those men on line willing to date someone from my region do so because they have few options. My driving to said metastasis every few days is simply not doable during the school year, plus frankly I hate the place; too hot, too noisy, concrete and shopping malls. Racism may be a much larger issue than originally thought. I think Jennifer is spot on: men do have a hard time with independent, stable women. I polled all of my female colleagues, all of us in shape, successful, cultured, well read, that dated on line and they all experienced the same issues I do. Before this I’d hate on myself big time thinking I was horribly ugly. I have sussed out all manner of liars/EU wounded birds/ the ski and screw crowd/pen pal wannabes/dudes with hidden spouses/seekers of meal tickets, thanks to BR. I refuse to be used, play social worker, or Florence fixer upper, no matter how lonely I am. My only other dating option is when folks show up for the races here which brings tons of more educated, very fit, have their act together folk from all over the world, some of whom are male and in my age range for a 3 month period. The problem here is they’re from far away and may have hidden girlfriends/spouses back home. Had one of these last summer; immediate flush.I really want to be married again to someone with whom I can have a true emotional, physical, intellectual connection to, someone who shares my values and would like to share my weird life (My ex husband called over New Years; we had a long talk about social and environmental stuff, God, I miss that level of discourse; even when I date city dudes I find myself having to hide my opinions on these issues and I hate it). It may be that this no longer possible and I should give up, just work hard on house, land, and myself, hide in the backcountry, and hope that when I can retire, I still have some value in the dating pool. However, some of those female single colleagues dealing with the same issues have become very angry, bitter, man hating almost. I deal with a lot of my own rage, feelings of unfairness, futility already and fight hard not to go down that path.
Noquay,
Is it possible to take a secondment of sorts from your position? Just an idea, but as you say that it isn’t possible for you to move right now, I thought that a temporary change of scenery might be a nice way to get away without sacrificing your position.
Noquay: Sorry if I missed this before- just want to be solution focused… seems like you have tried every thing else so… is there ANY WAY to get your ex back?, just tell him you want to be with him every day and can’t live without him and then move to where he is? OR, quit your job, pack up move, start over even at a reduced salary/benefits? Are you SURE you can’t find a similar deal some where else?
Thanks Natalie for another useful post, you read my mind as usual;) My problem with age I became more fussy, and feel that all nice guys are taken, no chance to meet a decent guy after age of 40! AC#1 contacted me with Christmas and New Year messages, I did reply, and I am ok with it, I am not goimg to meet him. I do not have any feelings for him, BUT I have to admit I miss AC#2, nothing from him, and it’s still drives me mad;( I am on NC since September 2013 and I am not going to break it, so I try very hard to move on…By the way I arranged a date tonight, with a nice foreigner, just like me x
Yes, so relevant to me right now. I am just gone 29 and my last break up was four months ago. I’m starting to feel more confident as I have filled my life full of activities such as volunteering and exercise, also, I am starting to get somewhere with my career. But I am so hesitant to get involved because I feel at 29 everything is a gamble, I want a family of my own but at the same time I’m afraid of my choices and wasting my time on a dubious partner as I have been known to do. So yes, I have more confidence but still hestitant of getting out there because to some extent, I don’t trust myself..and everyone I know now is with someone except me. Because I don’t put myself out there..for fear of having my time wasted and that in itself is wasting time. 🙁
Natalie- At first, I didn’t get the artwork for this post, didn’t recognize it as a tube. I thought, “Is it a vase? is it a milkshake glass? How is this relevant to the post?” This isn’t an insult to your artwork; it’s more of my interpretation of what I was seeing based on my own preconceived idea of what dater’s block “looks” like as you’ve mentioned writer’s block. When I think of writer’s block, I have this image of a wall in my head and my trying to break through it when really, it’s a square that I can’t seem to find the door out of when, really, I just need to hop the fence. See? It’s a matter of interpretation based on preconceived notions and, well, a general underdevelopment of creativity.
This last time I looked at the art and, yes, it’s a tube of dater’s block just as I would put on sunblock. How creative you are, Natalie!!! When I think about it, your visual interpretation of the term “dater’s block” makes perfect sense. Massaging ourselves with the smooth, silky dater’s block thinking we’re protecting ourselves from hurt is still living in fantasyland by avoiding the real world. A part of me is like others here: I want to stay in my comfort zone of loneliness and dejection. Yet, I’m like a baby who’s just learning how to roll and move to different places. I can’t stay in the same place internally even if I wanted to! My inner drive to grow and change is too strong. It is definitely time for me to start dating again and allowing myself to be vulnerable again.
Hi everybody,I am new to this website. Opened it up yesterday and liked it.
Nathalie’s posting is very timely for me too. So thank you.
Also thank you all for your sharings. I live in North East UK, mother of two fab kids (11+10) and work more than full time.I love my work and life.
I have been divorced/separated since 2007- and spent many months and years in a post separation confusion and fog. I loved him very much.
It took me a long time to understand what dating is; and on line dating is/was even more alien to me.
I tried it in 2011. Was rather strange. It did not nourish me at all.
(Has anybody tried dating as advised by Amy Webb?)
Meanwhile I have dated twice 2 men who I met at a conference and at UmbriaJazz. Both long-distance – still I am 100% sure the attempts would have failed had they lived just round the corner.
Actually I am so pleased they are not in my vicinity!!
Although painful both experiences were also fun and have left me with sweet memories and confidence.
The feeling that I can try a relationship, end it and move on was very empowering and reassuring.
I love loving. The way I feel, work, live – just the way I am.
And I miss not begin this fabulous person.
I feel off centred most of the time without romantic love.
I wished I was that person with and without love.
This would really set me free and allow me to chose.
Then again there is so little to chose from.
So what I miss is a) the energetic person I am when in love b) interesting, intelligent, available and caring men to chose from.
“So what I miss is a) the energetic person I am when in love”
Why are you not that energetic person when not in love? Where does she go?
I have no idea
I am happIER funnIER and so much more creative
boundless energy
I have been looking for me – since the last break up
Rather intriguing; I am a scientist, independent and feminist; so this need for love for a man to feel ‘Urgut’ makes me rather angry with myself.
Somehow loving my kids, friends, work and life does not bring me to life as much…
Do I make sense?
I am suffering the same daters block condition, and generally feel that women are not worth the effort to get to know them. I’m a good lookin guy who lives on his own, have 2 kids that live with me full time, intelligent with a successful career, and not any of the qualities you ladies seem to encounter online. I’m online too, and couldn’t hold your attention long enough to meet you, let alone know, understand, and date you. We’re all looking for the same thing (love, respect, intimacy, etc), but if we keep throwing the baby out with the bath water we’re never going to meet. I spent 3.5 years with someone i was afraid to leave because I was afraid to be single. I finally made the commitment to the path to healing from the heart break and broke up with her, only to find out it actually is harder to find a compatible mate than i remember it being before. Makes me wish i had appreciated what i had more before made this choice. I’ve been single over a year now, and she moved in with the next guy 2 months later and has been there every since. So ladies, next time you think “woe is me”, remember that there’s still decent men out there that want a relationship, but may feel you are impossible to please and are burnt out too and no longer care to try. Maybe we’ll meet in the grocery store, or maybe the old age home. You decide.
“I’m online too, and couldn’t hold your attention long enough to meet you, let alone know, understand, and date you.”
I reckon the grocery store is a better bet. Everyone has the other jerks – male and female – counting against them in the online dating ‘game’.
Taking it offline gets it back to a healthy ‘reality’. The very nature of the internet creates fantasyland from the get-go.
In the early days, on-line dating sites might have been on the up-and-up, but I haven’t heard of many happily-ever-after stories lately.
The sites are conducive to, and full of, people who mean to hide who they really are and their intentions. Men and women. At some point, the expectations get pretty low, and the good babies are thrown out with the bad.
I’m very anti on-line dating. That’s where the ex was meeting the women he was cheated on me with. He had a really sweet, charming profile: looking for his best friend, companion, soul-mate. He didn’t mention anywhere, they he already had one.
For anyone using on-line dating, please be cautious. He isn’t the only guy/gal out there like that.
@deepend,
I am sorry that you probably feel bashed on, on this site. You are right; there are probably guys who are like you out there, I swear though they never write me real emails on the internet so I never find them. Instead I get the winks, or the “favorites” from the jerks, or occasionally, an email from someone that seems cut and pasted. The three men that I have met, via the internet, that I dated were not a fit. 2 ended up being relationships, 1 the one that brought me here, and one guy was super nice and a great guy but after 6 dates I still felt no desire to kiss him; the chemistry was not there at ALL. You need some.
You will meet someone. Try to email the women though; nobody likes a wink. Also, sometimes you don’t get a response because the women are not online anymore. I keep getting emails from Match even though I cancelled my subscription 5 months ago:(
@dancingqueen,
Thank you. I do feel beat up sometimes when reading the articles or comments from readers. The lessons learned here apply to both sexes, and that’s how I look at it.
I’ve been on many first dates, and only a handful of second dates. I do actually try to make contact with women that interest me, and have some success in maintaining a conversation and meeting them. But I also find that lots of conversation drops off after a couple messages, sometimes its me, sometimes it’s them.
Someone else mentioned that dating feels like a chore, and I agree. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit working on a profile, and still don’t feel it communicates what I’m all about, so I prefer to meet in person for them to find out first hand.
It sure feels like a lot of effort for little to no return on investment, but I haven’t totally given up. It will pay off one day, so I keep trying.
Deepend,
Nat’s posts are for men and women and well worth reading. There are many women hanging out on the internet dating sites who are as bad as some of the men and we tend to forget that men have an equally hard time trying to find a decent girl to meet.
It cuts both ways.
I hope you keep posting and letting us hear how you think about a lot of the topics that Nat writes about. Men aren’t that different to women when it comes down to personal relationships and wanting to find a special partner to share their lives with.
Don’t automatically get tied up in how hard it is for a single parent to find someone, it’s a real limiting belief that can hold people back.
For all single parents out there you and your kids are as special as anyone else on the planet so don’t sell yourselves short for one second, you matter whether other people think so or not.
@Pauline,
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. Its true that the principles Natalie writes about apply to men and women. There are challenges on both sides of the equation to relating to the other sex and making a relationship that works. I’m not worried about my status as a single parent. I’ve been single 1.25 years now and i am surprised that i feel as blocked as this article describes. I have spent 13 years of my life with 2 women who didn’t work for me, and i think for the first time in my life I’m enjoying my freedom, but i do miss having a companion. Online dating is a daunting task, and not for the faint of heart, but I’ve been putting myself out there for the last year or so, as well as trying to meet people in real life. I’ve met a ton of people doing the things i love to do, and expressed my interest in those that i like, but nothing has worked out yet.
It will happen eventually, but more years may go by before it does. I was once afraid of being a single parent and trying to date. It was the biggest fear i had to face when leaving my 3.5 year relationship with a girl who loved me and my kids dearly. She moved in with the next guy two months later and I’ve been single every since.
I’ll keep posting as the articles and comments speak to me.
I am really difficult to please. Sorry you suffer, I am sure I made my ex-husband suffer. I did not mean to. Poor chap.
Yet I would really love a man who would stand his ground, challenge me or tell me what he wants, from a partnership, from life ….
you might find women hard to please and I find most men I meet rather boring….
really sorry hope I don’t hurt your feelings
I feel that all the interesting men I wanted to meet are dead ‘saint-exupery’, ‘kapuscinski’….
and if they were alive would I have the opportunity to meet them?
@Fabs,
You haven’t hurt my feelings as i didn’t take anything you said personally. Some of us are looking for something vwry specific, so when one doesn’t see thatbin another it’s natural to overlook that person for who they are. I do it too, and have probably missed out on a few good women that way. I am an intelligent man looking for a woman who can hold her own intellectually, not someone like my last girlfriend who was a bit of a simpleton.
“it actually is harder to find a compatible mate than i remember it being before”
It is very hard to find a compatible mate, period, just because we’re each a complicated human being and most people we meet will not be compatible enough to be our partner. There are no guarantees of finding a life companion, at all. We may very well end up on our own (nothing wrong with that). But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying.
I’ve got to add one thing, I’ve dated single dads – it is a lot of pressure to date someone who is a fulltime parent. It is even more pressure for a woman to date a single dad, because most of us women already have our kids nearly full-time, and dating a full-time dad means that in the early stages of dating, we cannot go to either my place or his place, because we both have the kids at home. It also means that both sides will have to be introduced to each other’s kids pretty early on, so you have to be very sure very early on that this person is right for you, things will work out for at least a year or so, he doesn’t disappear a week after meeting your kids, he gets along with your kids, you get along with his, etc. That’s a lot of criteria to meet early on in a relationship. Not gonna lie to you, most women will give up on a challenge like this and will go with someone who has his kids half the time, or every other weekend, just to be safe in case things don’t work out. This is what I think is the root of your problem. Not online being bad, not women being impossible to please (I don’t believe either of these statements to be true). I am really sorry. Life is terribly unfair sometimes and yes it does look a lot like you’re being penalized for doing the right thing and being a good father to your children. Maybe the best course of action in your situation would be to date the women you know well IRL, your female friends, etc. rather than online. Because, like I said, getting together with a fulltime single dad is a huge gamble, and most women would be afraid to take it with a relative stranger they’ve met online. The single dad that I dated had been a close friend of mine for ten years prior to us dating. Try going that route. Good luck.
@Goldie,
Thanks for sharing your insight. You’re probably right about my full time dad gig being a daunting task for women with their own children full time. I thought that women who are in the same situation would be able to better relate to a man in the same situation, but you’re right, the logistics of such a situation is pretty tough. I haven’t brought a date home in ages, and have pretty much accepted my kids are at home 24×7,but it doesn’t have to be 7 days a week. My kids don’t like going to their moms so i don’t force them unless i am going out of town overnight, which rarely happens. Fact of the matter is that online dating isn’t a bad thing. It’s been relatively successful for me in the past (i met my last girlfriend online), but the one thing that’s changed since then is my situation with my kids. They’re old enough now for me to leave them at home while i go out on dates (i did last night). Met an interesting woman with a similar background as me. We’ll be seeing each other again.
@Deepend,
Oh good! Glad to hear it does work. My single-dad friend also has a second date this weekend, also from online. Hope things work out, for you as well as for him.
I am disappointed to hear of others experiences of online dating. I have had my own fair share, I even got ditched on Facebook after several dates, but I do think it is a modern and efficient way of meeting new people. And I’m confident there must be at least a few decent, genuine guys on there. Stick with it girls!
That said, I just had what I thought was a pretty successful date. We chatted on whatsapp heaps before the date and seemed to get on great, we work in the same profession and have mutual friends. It was a positive date he took me to a fancy restaurant, and then cocktails til closing time. Now we are back to the whatsapp chat, I asked if we would meet again, we live in different cities, he said he definitely owed me a visit, how about we continue to keep in touch as we have been doing and see what happens. I question my judgement so much these days – is this a red flag or do I have daters block, desperate to know the ending?
Don’t be desperate, YoYo. Find someone else to go out with. Have some fun! It will help you keep it all in perspective.
Yoyo
Maybe it’s the different cities, he’s just good at first dates, his ex is on the scene, he’s seeing several women, he just got made redundant, he’s overly cautious, whatever. I don’t think there’s any need to analyse him. There’s not much to go on – you only met him once! It’s really not a big deal if you don’t see him again. Or if you do.
One thing that will really help is not to be overly concerned about what “they” want or what “they” are doing, you need to be clear in yourself what YOU want. Then you can more easily make decisions. It’s like job hunting, I KNOW I won’t travel more than one hour to work, I don’t want to be supervisor, I don’t want to work in the middle of nowhere etc. It’s not difficult for me to say no to those jobs. Nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with me. just not what I want.
Dating’s different in that emotions come into play, and people aren’t always straight with you, but try to have some clarity within yourself. Especially in the early stages where, frankly, your investment should simply be in a manicure and a hairdo for those first few dates! if you KNOW you don’t want want a booty call, a chat relationship, someone lukewarm etc., you’d like to see someone several times a week, it should be easy to pass over the unsuitables without getting too upset about it. the problem is when you’re not sure, or even afraid to even admit to yourself you want something. Then you’ll tell yourself that whatsapp is enough, or a date every other month, or casual, or “just friends” , or a LDR with someone who won’t relocate, is fine because, you know, you don’t want anything! You spend more time convincing yourself that what’s on offer is enough (I don’t want to desperate, I have to be “cool”, I don’t even want a relationship etc) than actually pursuing what you want (assuming you know what that is!)
insideleg
Thanks and I agree online is for research etc not dating ..! Still i work full time, rush home after work , commute 3 hours a day … Get home around 7 pm. Whenever I do something on a school night I am exhausted after . Recently I find myself knackered just because I went to an amazing concert for a couple hours on Saturday night etc. My time to go offline and put myself into situations where I meet people is minimal. And btw why can’t we meet them in the grocery store etc? Because the game has changed. Men don’t have to risk being turned down by a women they walk up to in a real life when they can send email to someone on the online dating site? Much safer!!
In all honesty though I want to open more offline possibilities but feel useless at creating them for myself 🙁
Yoyo
This guy wants a fantasy relationship , how can you see how it goes based on whatsapp messages ?! That’s not real life . Maybe he is too busy in “real life” as he continues to shop around and keep you there for when he feels like seeing you again or when he hasn’t got any other dates lined up? Red flag.
Yoyo just wanted to add that this is a pursing phase : he pursues you in a natural world but here you are asking him ie pursing him …. That’s not daters block , unless he is wearing it
I’m excited to start dating again. I met a Mr. Unavailable looking for a booty call recently online. He busted my boundaries, swept me up with excitement, and fast forwarded me to sex then started running cold. Then I found Natalie. Now I see what he was doing and what I was doing. Got rid of him (nicely) by texting him that this isn’t working for me but it was fun (Ha!). More for myself than for him. Now I’m armed with Natalie’s advice and experience. Time to trust my boundaries and step into my power. Even with good guys. I met another guy online, a nice guy, who started calling and texting too much wanting to see me the next day after our first date. It was too much too fast. Then I realized I needed to set boundaries with him too. Just because he wants to see me tomorrow doesn’t mean I have to. I’m realizing I’ve never done boundaries very well. So my plan is to date a few people and go very slow and get to know them, with the intention of practicing boundaries. Bring it! Oh and I just signed up for Natalie’s eCourses. Super excited about that!
Deepend
There may be decent men out there but apparently they live in another state. I feel for you, it’s hard out there, especially as a single parent. Yep, the local dudes would find me impossible to please because I am an environmentalist, gun hating, very athletic , organic farmer and academic. Our older men (I’m probably old enough to be your mom) are ex miners, heavily into guns and anti-government rhetoric, not to mention drugs and alcohol. No one should date them. Theoretically, the aforementioned urban metastasis should be churning out tons of retired doctors, proffs like me, hi end professionals, who one would think would be eager to escape the concrete gulag and hang out in the mountains. Appparently they go to Sun City AZ where old golfers go to die. This is why it’s either on line or hope for the best when my fellow racers are in town. I am hardly impossible to please; I own my own home, do my own repairs, have a healthy income. I do expect the man in my life to take care of himself, be reasonably good looking, yep, be educated, and free of addictions. I am not looking for God but an equal. Like me, your issue may be one of gross incompatibility, you probably need to focus on single moms, who will know where you are coming from. Sorry to say, most single chix don’t want to take on someone else’s kids, they want to have their own. Biological clock thing. Good luck and welcome to BR, we need the male perspective.
@noquay,
Thanks Noquay. I’ve been lurking and posting occasionally. I’ve read many of your comments and you sound like an interesting woman living amongst swine.
I actually avoid young women who have even an inkling of having kids. I found out in my last relationship that I don’t want to have any more, so I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my past by getting involved with someone who wants them. So I look for the women who don’t want them because they either have them, or don’t want them.
Deepend
I wouldn’t say they are swine so much as a product of a century of a land raping boom bust economy with Wild West exploitationist overtones. Guys who used to have ready money, got high paying jobs with few qualifications, little accountability, access to drugs, and some pretty lousy male role models who had little respect for women. This lifestyle has taken a horrible toll on these folks who sadly don’t understand the party has been over for some 30 years. I feel sorry for them but, as I stated earlier, no one should date them. Truly a lost generation.
@noquay,
I struggled to find a word that aptly described your situation, so swine is what came to mind. Maybe “diamond in the rough” is more appropriate? Either way, you’re not in an environment that has men who are suitable for you, and moving is not an option for you because you’re a professor? Sounds like a predicament to me. I wish you luck in all of this.
@noquay,
I need to ask you something in relation to this post. My recent relationship, which for the first time in my life was with a prof (like you ;)) has left me burned, not just by my ex, but by his entire social circle. Little BG, I have a 5-year degree (that apparently evaluates to an American MS) from one of the top schools in my home country, decent career in software development, I consider myself and my sons to be of above average intelligence. Twelve years ago, just for kicks, I took the mensa test in English, that is my second language, and got in (which my friends and SOs get to know pretty quickly, because I’ve made a lot of friends there and a lot of my social life revolves around it). And I was still not good enough. My ex insisted that I’d spend pretty much all my free time on weekends with him and his colleagues – he and I were together for two years – if I had to count his fellow profs who considered me their intellectual equal, or close to equal, on my one hand, I’d still have two or three fingers left when I’m done. All of them but one or two, disappeared from contact immediately after he broke up with me. As for him, I thought we’d stay friends, but the friendship wound down very quickly, because again, as it turns out, he never saw me as his equal. I have a question to ask about the folks in the academia, is the bar really that high? does a person really have to teach and have a PhD to be taken seriously in the college profs social circle? I am nowhere close to being a gun-loving alcoholic retired miner, but you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, judging by the treatment that I got from the academic crowd. Was it an exception, or is this something I need to brace myself for if I ever date a prof again? I liked my ex’s and his friends’ company, but this might be a deal-breaker for me, I don’t like being looked down upon and frozen out! Thanks.
Goldie
Some of the stupidest people I’ve met have been “highly educated”. It indicates an ability to pass exams and/or a middle class background where those skills were nurtured and prized. And some people lack social skills, are unable to value other people and so use their education as a way of excluding others.
My dad was a prof but he was a warm and friendly person and no-one was ever made to feel not good enough in our house. Sadly he is now an alcoholic but that’s another story. If they made you feel unwelcome and inferior and closed ranks that’s on them, not you.
Thank you Mymble. Your dad sounds incredible. Like I said, I did meet one or two people like him. Sorry to hear about what happened to him now, but I hope he finds a way to heal.
Goldie, I think Noquay will give you an interesting answer, but from following her life story for a while, she’s not a conventional prof. She’s not the stereotype.
I can share my observations though about my mathprofessor who I loved for 6 years and 6 months ( 2 separate life experiences). A math professor at Bigshot University in this era of engineering and computer software development is on
a pedestal higher than God himself.
As a professor all eyes are on him all day long, by longing aspiring
young people, who project their parent fantasies and desire for approval from PHD brilliant bigshot.
As an authority on a subject, getting nonstop approval, admiration, and attention all day long, caters to a narcissistic personality. Self centered, everyone else is less than, even the Son of God. Ofcourse a professor in another field may be a totally empathetic sweetie pie. But with academic professionals (I only speak from my mathprofessor experience) Nobody can match up. I’m
no dummy, but I had no clue what went on is his head. He once said, “I don’t JUST think about numbers”
Me, I was getting a degree on how to solve the problems of the world.
Wish he could have had some empathetic feeling toward his fellow man/womankind.
Wow, I can imagine. In my case, it was not a Bigshot University. It was a small LAC in a small town that is surrounded by 20 miles of cornfields. You have to take country roads forever before you even get to a freeway. And they were all trapped in that little town for the rest of their careers because of tenure. I guess some tried to compensate by putting down anyone who’s not like them. I cannot get into their heads so I don’t know for sure. But yes, I can see how being a math prof at a Bigshot University (I can only guess…) might go to one’s head, when the person is lacking social skills and empathy to begin with… sad.
Simple pleasures
Unfortunately, many grad programs and the mindset around them actually serve to discourage their students from becoming whole, empathetic human beings. Its all about more damn publications, more grant funding and encourages cut throat competition rather than cooperation. I saw many tenure heads health go to crap, marriages break up, a lot of alcoholism. This is why I am no longer at a research institution. Your math dude sounds exactly like my grad advisor.
Simple pleasures,
Your math professor sounds very much like the exAC/MM/Prof. Unfortunately, I was one of those aspiring students (albeit an older one)who put him right up there on that pedestal. I was completely blinded by his ‘intelligence’ and I also projected my parent fantasies onto him. He completely lacked any empathy and although I do take responsibility for my own part in what happened he definitely took advantage of his position. The experience doesn’t put me off academics (I am aspiring to be same myself) as these narcissistic types are probably lurking around everywhere. It does however put me off people who lack empathy and has taught me that empathy can be faked, at least for a while. I’m so affected by my experience that I’m seeing narcissistic traits everywhere!
Goldie
It really depends on the people involved. Academics can be a$$holes too, and some are great human beings. I was constantly put down at my last institution for not having an extensive publication record (my grad advisor pretty much stole it) and not actively doing research even though the facilities to do so did not exist. I also get made fun of for choosing to farm, cut wood, write eco-rants instead of peer reviewed papers, which I hate. To get into a truly scholarly circle, one has to prove oneself, walk the talk. Well read, authentic folk, actively learning are accepted by those academics that are authentic themselves. Again, some folks are jackasses no matter what their degree. I do feel that folk such as myself that read/write rather than watch football, that exercise/work rather than watch TV are far better off with those of similar mindset. I did try to date the ex miner set and it was not only a disaster but downright abusive.
Thank you noquay.
“Well read, authentic folk, actively learning are accepted by those academics that are authentic themselves.”
Good, then I won’t be ruling out any academics going forward when I get back into dating.
I hear you about the ex miner mindset – I cannot do it either. (Blue-collar workers etc. in my case.) Even if they’re nice guys, they’re uncomfortable and out of their depth with me, no matter how we both try, just because of how differently our minds work. Being casual friends, yes; a partner, no.
Yoyo
This is sounding kind of red flagish. Not sure if this dude is really interested.
This is precisely what internet dating does to men
” that there’s still decent men out there that want a relationship, but may feel you are impossible to please and are burnt out too and no longer care to try”
How do you know how hard or easy is it to please someone based on their online profile? Is it all about pleasing someone ? Or… That men just want it easy because “they are burnt and no longer care to try?”
And if they are burnt and no longer care to try why do they remain online ?
This just reminds me of these random men who would send me an email on online dating site going like this :
Hi.
And nothing else
If I was bored I might have replied – out of boredom not interest .
@a_newme,
“How do you know how hard or easy is it to please someone based on their online profile?”
You can tell how hard or easy it is to “please” someone based upon how long their list of expectations is.
“Is it all about pleasing someone ?”
Pleasing might be the wrong word, but at the end of the day, don’t we choose the person we like best? I reckon that means you’re pleased with them…
“Or… That men just want it easy because “they are burnt and no longer care to try?””
I actually like a challenge that I have a chance of meeting.
“And if they are burnt and no longer care to try why do they remain online ?”
I keep trying because sooner or later I’m going to find someone I have mutual interest with. The “burn out” I mentioned is how I feel about online dating after making months of effort that hasn’t turned into anything yet.
“This just reminds me of these random men who would send me an email on online dating site going like this :
Hi.”
I’ve *never* sent an email like that on a dating site. I get them all the time, and I never reply.
Deepens
Another thing. I do want to commend you for being your children’s (I assume) primary parent. Another issue we on line chix face is guys trolling for a mommy for their kids so they don’t have to parent full time. Even women my age get this because some dudes have children at advanced ages. My own dad did this; coming from a generation where men didn’t parent. He picked an alcoholic secretary in his company who had two drug dealer kids, one of whom was violent. I wound bailing out of the family at 17 and raised my own brother as a de facto single parent. Keep up the good work.
To A. Yep, I am trying to take at least a semester long sabbatical where I’d use the time to set up my Sustainability center. However, the center must be funded first and the institution would need to be able to temporarily replace me which is difficult as funds are short and I teach in three fields. It’d be great to go to conferences, visit places where my colleagues would be more progressive and get off campus and outta town once in a while which really needs to happen. Found that a former student, someone responsible, is back in town and could tend my farm for a few weeks at a time. Kind of in limbo waiting to see if this center is funded.
@Noquay,
Thanks for the commendation. I am my kids primary parent. A friend suggested I mention that I am not looking for a mommy for my kids – I didn’t do it, but I think I will. They’ve lived with me for 4 years now, and we have a great thing going. No alcoholism or bad kids here. My kids are actually well behaved and fun. They tend to draw women in who meet them.
“he said he definitely owed me a visit, how about we continue to keep in touch as we have been doing and see what happens. ”
When I read this, I immediately thought ” he is pulling the slow fade “. He “owes you a visit? ” who says that??
Yes, I have daters block–big time. First, I have decided no more online dating for me. To be honest, it just seems like the majority of men I met online were not interested any type of relationship. I know realize that my ex (who I met online) was able to run a longer con than most. Namely, he only wanted sex but was willing to play along til he got it. It was only when we he contacted me after 8 months apart (and NC) asking forgiveness and another chance did I really see him for he is. It took a while for it to sink in but I was able to tell him to buzz off. Also, since I work in a very public setting, I am concerned about my privacy.
So, ok, online is out, but I thought I was open to meeting someone the old fashioned way….and I thought I did. I mentioned this in another post but a man came into my workplace and over the course of several weeks, we started to say hi, and then he introduced himself. I was excited…and then scared. My mind was racing with what if’s based on my last relationship. Well, since I had his name I googled him and found that not only did we have very little in common, we were had values that were at the opposite end of the spectrum (let’s put it this way, conversation over coffee would have either gotten awkward or loud –I have no trouble defending my politics–very fast). I have to admit I felt relieved! Not just that I saved the time of getting even a little invested but that I didn’t have to make any kind of effort at all. (Hope that makes sense).
I really don’t know when or if I will get over this dater’s block. I have to admit I don’t have a very good view of dating any more. I’m in my early 50s, have no trouble being alone most of the time but sometimes yearn for someone to be with, share things with, do things with, other than my female friends. BUT, I am tired of the games that have been played on me and the end result being that I end up in tears. I know life offers no sure things when it comes to relationships, but right now I seem to like the idea of meeting someone more than the actual idea of going out there and trying to meet someone.
Thanks for all your replies. Helpful, and told me what I was already thinking. Now I just need to have the confidence to resist contact when it comes!
What does dating mean?
Do people have to date?
Can we not just be?
I just want to be.
🙂
Yoyo, what does your instinct tell you it is?
I am nowhere near ready to even consider starting to think about dating– mostly because I’m still bitter and angry. I don’t want the ex back since I finally have accepted the ex is not who I thought / hoped she was. I wouldn’t want to go back even for just sex. Not worth it.
It’s not healthy but I have a lot of anger still and spend way too much time and energy hoping she’s never happy and suffers as much pain and heartache as she’s caused.
It’s really not good how much anger I feel. I wish I could just get rid of it.
I’ve just started online dating and 99% are awful in one way another. The worst of which was a guy I chatted to for a week. He seemed great until he brought into the conversation his fetish (a sadism thing). Glad he brought it up before we met and I was able to block.
But I had a first date today which went really well. He’s not Mr Dreamboat but he was warm, respectful and good fun. Date went on for much longer than planned. I am conscious that I don’t know him but I had a nice time and for now that’s enough.
I think my dating block is wearing off.
Hi Mymble! I’ve been reading this site for more than a year but very rarely comment. This post today, and your comment on it, made me want to chime in… I am so glad you had a good time with the guy you met online! I had a major dating blockage – I didn’t date at all for 10 years, and was very happy just living my own life. Then, in 2012, a friend of a friend noticed me at a meeting and had my friend introduce us. He and I “dated”, if you could call it that, for about two months. Long story short,I figured out he was actually just looking for some no-strings sex, which I am happy to say I didn’t give him, and I ended it. However, dating him made me think about getting back into dating, I decided maybe it was time to take the plunge and put myself back out there. So, I started online dating, and last January met a wonderful man online. We have been together ever since, and have been living together since August. He has been 100% kind and consistent since the day I met him, and we are committed to each other. So many posters have told horror stories about online dating, and unfortunately it’s true that unscrupulous people can lie and tell fantastic stores about themselves in order to get what they want. Online dating is not easy, can be risky, and one has to have one’s bullshit radar on at all times if one is going to participate. But, even though it can be difficult, and we have to be wary at first of online “matches” who contact us, in my experience it’s been worth doing. If I would have sat back after my experience dating the friend of a friend and just kind of hoped to run into someone who would become my next boyfriend, I doubt anything much would have happened. Fortunately I got off my butt and made some effort, and now, lucky for me, I have the best boyfriend any woman could ask for.
thank you for sharing this with us
good luck to you both
Hot potato
It’s nice to hear of a good experience.
Sure most of the blokes are awful (I understand that there are some female nightmares too) but some people do have positive experiences.
Northern Girl, my instinct tells me if he wanted to see me he would arrange to see me. It isn’t rocket science. I just had such a laugh I keep hoping I’m wrong, but I know its unlikely. Thank you.
Northern Girl, my instinct tells me if he wanted to see me he would arrange to see me. It isn’t rocket science. I just had such a laugh I keep hoping I’m wrong, but I know its unlikely. Thanks you.
I definitely have dater’s block. I am so far from being ready to be in a relationship it isn’t funny. I see that more clearly now than I did six months ago.
And I am not too sure how good my judgment is yet. I know that I am a lot more discerning, less likely to take responsibility for the relationship and can recognize shady manipulative behaviour much much better but still feel that I have a lot of things to process. As an example, I have a long term platonic friend with whom I have studied art in the past. We have been spending a bit more time together as we are considering undertaking a project (rethinking this now) He has been supportive to me as a friend and I to him in terms of some of his medical issues…but I can definitely see he shares characteristics with my ex. I invited him to somewhere the other day and he decided not to take me up on it and then said it was MY fault he couldn’t come because the length of the visit wasn’t long enough and he wanted to make sure I could completely devote my time to him. Then he proceeded to tell me what I “needed” in my life right now. I heard this unfold in a kind of wonder…wow! I realized that damn it…I made an offer, he can say say yes or no, I have too much to worry about in terms of me than being concerned about how “happy” I am making his visit. And the gall of not taking responsibility for his OWN decision. Plus I borrowed a great line from a poster on BR…he can’t talk about what I need (that is up to me) he can only speak from what he needs. I felt very calm when I explained this and put everything back on him. It bothered me and I realized that, like my ex, IF I brought it up, I sense that there would be a big huge denial attack thing happening as I have seen him turn on others quite quickly. NO THANKS. I said that it was too bad that the event was not going to work out and felt a huge sense of relief. I don’t have this problem with women friends but is it the age group of men I am dealing with? There is entitlement there and the assumption that I am going to take responsibility for them and work like crazy to make it happen, even if it inconveniences me a LOT.
The good thing is that I have lots of men friends and colleagues in my life…the bad thing is that I am older and I feel pretty pessimistic about meeting somebody I would really like and respect.
Isn’t it something how BR phrases help us in times of need?
A few days ago, I had an after 11PM conversation with ACMM – about a favor he wanted that I agreed to do – does not involve us being in contact. I did not fallback, but I was in deep “wanting to fallback” mode after feeling dejected at work and then having a family member do her usual of not giving me any props for an accomplishment. I always felt accepted by ACMM, even respected (professionally). Began thinking about him, and getting sad…then heard these words in my head: Don’t Reject What Was. I also heard: “What are you avoiding tackling in your own life?”
So I spent my rainy Saturday in bed, sleeping away my sad. On Sunday I was much better – able to do lots of household chores.
I also want to state that I had no pangs over AC during the conversation. It feels *over*. The finality is bittersweet. I did not start missing him until I had the crap day at the job and a slap in the face from a family member, so that is worth noting. I guess ACMM was my go to “fix” for an unhappy life.
I have to say, I think I may have a bit of Dater’s Block myself. Or I’ve just developed total intolerance to male behaviors. Trying to decide.
After my last 5 month relationship where I was making all the effort (it was a good thing, because I realized I was making all the effort and got out in a short period of time)I realize now that my BS meter is SO sensitive, I might as well be walking around in a Hiroshima of BS.
I started back online with Match. Instantly, alert, alert! The dudes who act overly familiar through text too soon, the dudes who say I look like I’d be a good kisser before meeting me in person, the dudes who haven’t been divorced long enough and say things like, wow, I think we are really going to be a match! The dudes who just want to email endlessly….omg, there are so many reasons these men give us to not even want to meet them in person. None of this online dating is normal or natural and I have zero tolerance any more. I have been burned a lot by doing all the heavy lifting in relationships and that’s all I see happening….please come rescue me from my loneliness pretty lady…and by that I mean, you come to my side of town, you bring me cookies and then we have sex. LOL.
No, I am not jaded.
Hmmmm…what would it take to get past this block? Because it’s a weird one. I am not afraid of getting my feelings hurt, I am afraid of wasting my time doing all the work for zero pay back. Like I would get more out of my time by taking tennis lessons.
From the mouth of a man.
When asked why he did on-line dating the reply was “because I’m desperate”
My response……noted, had already clocked that!So hasn’t a clue what he wants.
From the mouths of two men about going out socially
“I/we hope that when we got out we will meet a woman” for that read only going out with one purpose and desperate, not to have an enjoyable evening as the primary aim and meeting a woman being a pleasant surprise.
From me on the last one “I don’t have that hope when I go out now, I go out to have a good evening”
One even said he wanted a woman to live with him i.e. this meant to look after him.
What was apparent was that neither man could define the woman they might like to meet and form a relationship with in terms of values, attributes etc. so were rudderless boats drifting along, driven by sexual needs, whereas I could define this for a man and indicated what were essentials for me to cross the line. Neither man matched up and there was no way I was compromising my values in either case after an evening of conversation confirmed my initial thoughts, just because I had some male attention. There was nothing there and I could easily see why they were having trouble meeting the one!
That says it all and as you age it gets harder to meet people who are compatible, well adjusted in life, comfortable with their past and who they now are. It is the person we were, what we have experienced in life and who we have dealt with it that defines us as the person we are now.
Hey all
Thank you all so much for the feedback. I am taping this on my phone so can’t go back to credit various people’s responses but I did want to say that I am glad Oregongirl that I made you feel better for having read of my struggles lol! Grace and others who gave the advice to not talk to my friend about relationships, I think that you are right. I need to just keep trying to cultivate relationships with people with healthier boundaries.
On another note, in terms of dating academics…a long time ago I dated a tenure track prof from a super institution who was a great warm person. It did not work out for various reasons but he was not a snob at all. My graduate advisor was from the Sorbonne in terms of his PhD and
he too was so kind and patient. It is indeed possible to meet academics who are kind and grounded people.
Tapping.
Yeah, but what about burnout that comes from without rather from within. I work in a large organization in which most people are married or younger and married. I did have one relationship with an Assclown. I’ve tried Match, met some nice but incompatible people, some weird people, people who live 3,000 miles away — not to mention the people who live several hours away and are retired military and Republicans. I hate match and spring street and I feel like I’m going to have to move someplace else to find someone.
BEFORE I met AC-N-Chopper – I tried eharmony and it never worked out. All kinds of strange emails/lack of real interest. I found I did better going out and meeting people randomly – either out with friends, at the movies (by myself), taking a interview test (sat at same table as my ex-bf of 2 years) and in the mall (where I met AC) – so really, you can meet anyone anywhere. When I am ready, I will be more outgoing and friendly in my normal life and hopefully I will meet someone worthwhile, once I know my BS-meter is working. If I can meet people randomly – so can you. I’m not the easiest to get to know or talk to. Good luck!