Something I have been talking about a lot with readers in private sessions is about how continuing to hold fast to the same position does not change anything and is a bit like digging your heels in and hoping that the other person will move.
Maintaining your position in the relationship is about adopting a particular stance on how you see things (often as an illusion) and deciding that you will not adjust your vision of things or your expectations, or even your desire to be in the relationship to the reality of the situation, even though the other person isn’t moving from their position either.
Often you will disregard their actions and focus on previous words, not even necessarily current words, plus project your feelings, focus on your betting on potential, or become obsessed about getting him to change and recognise that his current character is not suitable so that you can get the man and the relationship you want, even if he’s not actually the man you want and neither is the relationship…
Classic example: Your relationship started out pretty hot and even though there may have been some boundary crossing, or out and out red flags, you went with your feelings and also listened to his words. Maybe he was saying he’d never felt like this before or that he could see you both married or something. However now things have changed and he’s been blowing lukewarm or supercold on the relationship thermostat and has made it clear either through actions or words that what he originally professed to want is no longer on offer and that he doesn’t want to be in anything serious or committed.
What ends up resulting is a bit of a standoff. This is where there will be issues for both of you with passive aggression (also see part two and part three on passive aggression).
He (or she) is actually being more like their true self, potentially because once they realised that you may actually want, need, or expect from them based on what they professed was on offer, they had to shift their behaviour so that they can manage down your expectations.
He has adapted his position and is now maintaining it.
You’re going to be feeling more than a tad blindsided. You want to believe that what you experienced was real and that it can continue. Because they’ve previously exhibited the behaviour you want (in the hot phase), you decide that it’s just a matter of getting them to revert back to their behaviour.
You (rightly) determine that you are not going to be downgraded to a casual relationship, but you don’t end the relationship either.
This is you maintainingyourposition.
You hope that he’ll change. You hope that he’ll get over his problems. You hope that if you show how much you love him and your loyalty that it’ll be recognised (eventually) and rewarded, in turn validating you. You believe that it’s all just a matter of his current set of problems finally being sorted out which will leave him free to be committed.
One of the big ones is that you’ll recognise that he’s emotionally unavailable and/or an assclown and decide that if you can see that there is a problem, then surely he will see that there is an issue and want to be better than he is.
You decide that your version of things is the ‘right’ version of things and there is partly an assumption that in knowing that someone’s behaviour is ‘wrong’ they must surely want to get it ‘right’, often with the help and love of a good woman.
Maintaining the position is about standing your ground and refusing to accept or take what is on offer and opting instead to continue to pursue your own agenda.
Remember: It’s not that you have to take what’s on offer or that youshould take it, but there comes a point when you have to recognise that denying the reality and trying to force your own agenda, is not working.
But maintaining the position extends beyond these types of situations. You don’t need to even be in a relationship to maintain your position.
A longtime reader explained the other day that she’d had to decide if she wanted to continue being stuck.
I also explained to another reader that the notable shift in her life came when she stopped holding onto the pain and the past and focused on letting go, moving on, and establishing a healthier present and future with boundaries and good people and environment around her.
Maintaining your position outside of relationships is really about adopting a set of beliefs and actions and holding fast to them even if they actually only serve to fulfil a self-fulfilling prophecy that props up negative beliefs, which also leads to you repeating negative patterns and behaviours.
Both of these people maintained their positions for many a year. It’s not that they weren’t right to feel aggrieved, that their pain wasn’t valid, or that the people in their lives shouldn’t recognise the damage and implication of their actions; it’s just that in holding fast to this and not only achieving no positive results, but ending up being ‘stuck’ and in pain, maintaining their positions didn’t work for them because there comes a point when you have to accept the reality that is – whilst everyone is capable of change, some people don’t want to and you could be a long time waiting.
At some point, we have to stop focusing on them and bring the focus right back to us and deal with the person that can change – US.
At some point you either have to adapt your position, or…adopt a new one.
VERY important point to note – in order to feel good about yourself, you must choose to make the decision to change what you’re doing if it causes you pain, disappointment or makes you feel lonely or icky MORE than it makes you feel solid, secure, safe and confident.
You have to be willing to be more committed to being good to yourself than you are committted to the dream about the relationship/man involved.
You have to CHOOSE. And on choosing make the decisions that take care of you – or make the decidions that will continue to be self-destructive.
Yes, these men can disappoint us, hurt our feelings, offer us less, blow hot and cold, etc — but ONLY until we stop them in their tracks by changing our position about staying and leave.
Being unwilling or afraid to leave, or feeling terrified that we’ll NEVER find anyone like “X” again is usually just our dealing with having a scarcity illusion
/ issue.
If you believe in and love yourself in a healthy manner, there will ALWAYS be another man out there that is interested in you.
And the healthier you are, the more you like, respect and trust YOURSELF — the better your discernment will be, and the better quality of man will be attracted to you.
Like draws to like. If you’ve worked on yourself and faced these issues of being willing to change your postion if someone’s actions are unacceptable, you’re telling the Universe you want to be happy.
Happy – you’re in a far better position to find a man who also has his act together and will treat you well.
If you hang onto dreams instead, you’ll always find a guy who is willing to delude you…
You choose — taking care of yourself emotionally and intellectually OR hoping he’ll take care of you and not consistently getting what you want or need.
Changing your position with an EUM is a mirror of how you feel about yourself.
DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF ?
lisa
on 18/09/2009 at 3:01 pm
Wow, this article just makes so much sense and helps so much! But, there is no way I could have read this even 6 months ago and seen this in myself. It is a process of growth, and a choice on our part to stop holding onto something that we think we want that, in reality, the other person isn’t even offering!
Thank you.
Karen
on 18/09/2009 at 3:16 pm
Loving Annie:
Good post!! Agree 100% Thanks for that! And thanks to you too NML for another great point/post! 🙂
Loving Annie – fantastic insight and awareness! I love that you have connected the fear of change with why we won’t shift position but that we have to recognise when things don’t feel good and take charge of the change. Very proud of you and your progress!
Lisa – well said! I think we are ready and willing to hear certain messages at certain points. You’ve let go of the illusion and acknowledged your pain, so you’re ready.
Karen – no problem 🙂
Anusha
on 18/09/2009 at 8:15 pm
Nice post and it suits me.Im adopting a new position,I give up trying to change him and decided to acept reality.He wont change and how he is now is no good for me.I keep telling myself that everyday and I fell is slowly sinking in my heart.
Nancy
on 18/09/2009 at 8:33 pm
OMG, so very very true. I spent eleven (yes, 11) years helping, supporting, getting him out of one bind after the other while he kept telling me that he was very grateful, that he would always remember what I did for him and if I needed help, he’d be there for me.
Well now, he’s got a business that is starting to take off and all is good for him, but I’m in a financial crunch. So, I ask for some assistance and get this long spiel (which I’m sure you’ve all heard) about the nerve of me asking for help when poor old him is trying to get his business off the ground and why didn’t I manage things better, despite the fact that I’m in this crunch ONLY because of him. And, yes, I’ve helped him and he thanks me but he’s got his problems and I’ve got to sort out my problems myself.
So, I’ve finally really realized in my heart rather than my head that my fantasy of him appreciating and loving me and wanting to reciprocate and we live happily ever after (yeah, right) is just that, a fantasy. I’ve been holding my position despite his words and actions thinking that EVENTUALLY he’ll wisen up and realize what a great catch I am, lol. Plus I must admit it was easier to fix his life rather than mine, that by immersing myself in all the pain and drama I could use it as an excuse why I never got anywhere in life because after all I was suffering and how could anyone expect anything of poor old me.
So, this site and the spot-on articles here have resonated so much for me, NML, and you have provided so much invaluable insight into both the AC and we, the fallback girl, that I cannot thank you enough. It’s Day 7 of NC and for the first time in this horrid 11-year-one-night stand I called a relationship, I feel I have more insight and plain old-fed-up-itness to stop the madness. Thanks again.
de-lightedtobefree
on 18/09/2009 at 9:38 pm
Wonderful post, thank you!! and great folllow up loving Annie! 🙂
metsgirl
on 18/09/2009 at 11:20 pm
I can’t wait until NML’s writings become mandatory study for grade-school aged girls!! This is why…..
I have spent the past 25 years brooding, pining, screaming at myself (once again) and dealing with severe hate and self-loathing over the men in my life!! No one taught me anything except co-dependent behavior. I honestly believe that if this was taught to me at an early age…I could have saved myself some unnecessary heartache and hangups. I cannot wait for the day when men do not have the choice to act like complete a++clowns because women will have finally wised up to their BS antics and will refuse to put up with it. How’s that for taking a position?
I have come back to reality after a brief stunt with my ex-AC and I’m feeling incredibly stupid but yet, so much wiser! This couldn’t be a more needed article for me at this point. I want so much more but keep going backwards to get it….only to find it’s not there.
NML said “”You (rightly) determine that you are not going to be downgraded to a casual relationship, but you don’t end the relationship either.”” My position has changed for the good.
Great post NML!
metsgirl
on 18/09/2009 at 11:28 pm
@ Loving Annie…””If you hang onto dreams instead, you’ll always find a guy who is willing to delude you…””
Ouch! But so spot on…thanks for that =)
lisa
on 19/09/2009 at 1:09 am
Good Job, Nancy! It is sometimes a hard pill to swallow when we finally see the situation for the reality that it is…. but it is good to see you trying No Contact. Keep checking in here. There are so many supportive people along with the great articles…. I’m finding that the further into NC for myself, the more I understand the bigger picture of what NML is writing, and I feel really free.
11 years is a long time, I was married to an EU (only I didn’t know that’s what it was until I found this site) for 13 years. It is not a fun place to be! Things can and will get better.
Loving Annie
on 19/09/2009 at 5:14 am
NML,
Thank you 🙂
And even more blissful, I’m walking the walk now – will tell you more when we talk 🙂
Hope you have a great weekend !
EUMfreezonetobe
on 19/09/2009 at 3:58 pm
Hello everyone,
I ‘ve stumbled upon this site a couple of years ago and am really glad that I’ve stumbled upon it again yesterday. I cant explain how amazing it is to see other people writing exactly how I feel/have felt over the years and to begin to understand my own feelings and behaviours. I feel as though I have taken some huge steps mentally over the past 24 hours. I am a beatiful, smart, funny and independent woman yet all my relationships have been with an assclown of one variety or another (I love that term!). The cheater, the manchild, the player, the controller. I am aware that I am an EUW myself and that I only seem to be attracted to the wrong kind of men. I’m at the stage where I can see red flags around every man I meet and have a hard time trusting my instincts because of this. I tried to avoid the drama and looking for “that feeling” only to end up in a 12 month relationship with a man who always did what he said he would do but who never ever gave me one ounce of emotion. I felt so lonely and rejected that I ended it and have been single now for 6 months. Most recently I ended up dating a man who has me rather confused. I met him online and before meeting him very quickly found out that he hadn’t spoken to his mother in over 10 years (red flag1). Being petrified I stopped contact with him for a few days but told myself I was making excuses so initiated contact again. We had a lovely first date where we had dinner (no red flags) and appeared to have some of the same values eg wanting children. Our second date the next day where we met for coffee which turned into lunch was also very good. We agreed to meet the following weekend and he phoned me to talk a couple of times as well as sending texts. However on the day of our date he text to advise that he was going to be late due to car problems and eventually advised that he wasn’t going to be able to make it as his car had been towed away. When I tried to phone him he didn’t answer (red flag 2) but text me a few minutes later advising that his phone was running out of power and he would call me the next day which he did. We made a date for the following weekend and had a number of telephone conversations in between. That weekend He met me with a large bunch of flowers and we had a great date and I met a number of his friends. I stayed the night but we didnt have sex and he didnt pressure me to but advised he was willing to wait until I was ready. He was physically affectionate and great fun. We discussed havng a date in a few days time and he said he would phone me. He did but very briefly and he was obviously distracted during the call and had forgotten our plans for a date(red flag 3) but advisid he would confirm the next day after he found out about his work commitments (he is a detective). He later advised that he couldnt make it and failed to respond to a text I sent but appeared to be on a dating website (red flag 4 ) so I sent a text advisng that whilst I appreciated that he had a demanding job I didn’t appreciate being let down and that I wished him all the best for the future and promptly deleted his texts and telephone number. He didn’t respond. I then realised that I had left my earrings at his house and contacted him via the dating site to ask for their return. No response. I sent a further jokey request for my earrings a few days later and a some days later he responded that he had posted them that day. It later transpired that he hadn’t but had put them in the post a few days later and I thanked him for returning them. This led to him texting me that he was sorry for being unreliable but that he had found out that his ex wife’s father had died had been buried and that his ex wife had told his friends not to inform him and that this had made him feel angry and upset and then feel guilty and that he wished he had explained this to me at the time. After a few texts he asked me out on another date and because I had nothing better to do and quite liked him I agreed. We spoke on the phone most evenings prior to the date and I had another great date with him but was slightly freaked out by talking about wanting children and wanting to take me away for a weekend in the future and advising that in order to reassure me he wanted to invite me out with his friends to a celebratory meal at a restaurant that had been. I was scared I was being played. We arranged to meet a few evenings later and introduce our dogs to one another. Again we made several phone calls and texts to one another in the meantime. However many of the texts were quite sexual in nature and the evening before our date he went a little too far which I expressed to him and which he appeared to respect. The day of our date he turned up with a gift of some chocolates and I felt so scared and anxious and wasn’t myself at all. He picked up on this and advised that I needed to relax more and we made a further date for the weekend. The next morning he texted me and I replied but got no more communication from him. I was feeling extremely vulnerable due to my behaviour the previous evening and went online in the hope that his profile would state that he hadn’t been online but he was online. I texted him asking if everthig was ok as he hadn’t replied to my text but was online and he denied being online and phoned me to discuss it. He continued to deny being online and I gave him what for and advised that he had better think of something else to tell me other than that he wasn’t online and then ended the call. 36 hours later he texted me in the early hours of the morning to advise that it was over due to me not contacting him to discuss the situation and that he hadn’t done anything to deserve my mistrust and humour, attractiveness, common wants and interests obviously wern’t enough for me which was a shame as there were enough for him. I tried texting him a couple of times but got no response. A few days later it dawned on me that as he has an iphone he may well have linked his email account to his dating site in which case if he signed into his emails he would also appear online on the dating site. I wrote him a note explaining that I may have made a mistake and that if I had I was sorry but what was done was done. He text me the following day to advise that he had found out that his ex had been hacking into his account and that he hoped I was well and that he was really busy but would contact me in a few days to let me know the outcome of a job interview. The following week he did contact me and since then(10 days) we have been in regular text contact. However he only texts me during work hours. I commented on this yesterday and today he sent a couple of texts when he was not at work. I feel so conflicted about what position I should maintain. I’m petrified about getting into another awful, painful twisted relationship. Advice/perspective would be much appreciated
jackie
on 19/09/2009 at 9:33 pm
I am not one to give advice because my life and relationships have been awful. I think you should leave this guy alone. He is still involved with his X and only has time for you with e mails and texting. You want more from him and you do not even know him. I think the relationship you want from him is not going to happen. Save yourself a lot of pain and hurt . You should end what is only in your mind before it becomes another hurt and you have to live with and he goes on his merry way without a second thought of you and how you are feeling
Brad K.
on 19/09/2009 at 10:21 pm
EUMfreezonetobe,
First, scared is not a good sign for a relationship. You aren’t tied into an arranged marriage, you aren’t committed to his jail. Walk away.
I suspect that you aren’t ready to share your life. Trying too soon, trying before you are sure of your goals, and boundaries, is unfair to the guy. You cannot help but send mixed messages.
I suspect that this guy is picking up that you don’t consider him the life mate of your mother’s dreams, so . . . that leaves him thinking you are there for a sex adventure. Only you aren’t being clear that you really want a sex adventure . . . You want all of him, to know that he isn’t slipping around, yet you aren’t to the point in the relationship, and haven’t conducted yourself, as if you are a deeply committed couple.
There is a time to worry about whether he is online and looking for someone else – or possibly online partially related to his job. Understand that if he is a detective, there will be some things his work forbids him to discuss with you, and his personal habits may keep some other topics and issues quiet.
I am not sure your red flag #3 is really that much of a red flag. He isn’t a high schooler, he has more things going on in life than homework. And keep in mind the fact he is a guy – telling him “shorts don’t go on the floor, put them in the clothes hamper” is likely to get them draped on the doorknob – for two days, then back to the floor. “. . . strength to change what I can, understanding to accept what I cannot, wisdom to know the difference . . .” Forgetting dates, birthdays – these are things that you may or may not need to accept. If he is confusing multiple dates and claiming to have forgotten – that is scummy and deceitful. At this point it is tough to say.
And because you are fearful about this – it doesn’t matter. You have to protect yourself. You will never build a secure and happy home, going into this thing with fear.
When you complain about red flags around the guys you meet – how are you going about meeting people, not just guys, that don’t have the red flags? People that respect each other, that generally enjoy their daily lives, people that are honest because it is a habit, not because someone might be watching? How are you going about looking for people that know what a stable and happy relationship is, that might help explain what a good partner for such a life would be like?
You describe yourself as beautiful – how often do you go out nekkid – with no makeup? Possibly the next guy you meet bare-faced, with no scent on you but sweat and maybe dirt, might actually be comfortable to keep around. Remember that essential feminine feature for snaring a *good* man – the smile. Nothing beats a happy smile, honestly portrayed.
Anyway, picking the best drunk in the bar is a losing proposition, obviously. But does picking the best guy in the best bar get that much better? How about the happiest guy working at the grocery store, or hardware store? How about if you found a woman delighted in her son’s character, that her neighbors respect for his character? I am just saying, if you don’t like the fish you are dredging up, try a different pond. Or pasture, or . . . whatever.
Brad K and Eumfreezonetobe – Thanks for your comments. Due to the request for personal advice and the length of it, please continue your conversation on the forum as it’s more appropriate there.
aphrogirl
on 20/09/2009 at 4:57 am
“At some point, we have to stop focusing on them and bring the focus right back to us and deal with the person that can change – US.At some point you either have to adapt your position, or…adopt a new one.”
Ayup…shift gears, paddle off in another direction, chart a new course, take a hike, sail off for a distant shore, leave the past behind, happy trails, high tail it out of town, sing a new song, find a new ride, blaze a new trail, anchors away, movin on, hey, it’s all good once you get over the shock of change. Change is good.
No matter the pace, change is good.
Carm
on 20/09/2009 at 8:10 am
EUMfreezonetobe:
The guy sounds like he is playing a cat and mouse game with you, seems to bring up his ex as a reason why he flaked out on you and is on the dating site (why would his ex hack into his account? why would his ex tell his friends not to inform him that her father died? Those two tidbits of info in themselves are sketchy. Why is his ex playing such a big part in his life?), and has exhibited quite a few other major red flags already that you mentioned. My advice would be to bail immediately.
But more importantly, you said you don’t trust your instincts now when it comes to men, and it seems your confidence in yourself around this guy sounds really shaky, so maybe that is a sign that you are not ready to be dating yet. You said you are aware you are an EUW and are attracted to the wrong kinds of men. Maybe it would be helpful to take some time out and figure out why this is, and how to change from being an EUW first before you start dating again.
NML has many posts here on emotional unavailability and things you can do to get yourself healthier which will attract healthier men and relationships. You will find alot of great information here, and I’m glad you came across this site again.
EUMfreezonetobe
on 20/09/2009 at 9:48 am
NML – it was only after posting my comment that I read that this was not the place for seeking advice. I was mortified I can tell you. It wont happen again and I shall post on the forum in future. Thanks so much for this site.
Brad K – thanks for your perspective. Its much appreciated and has opened my eyes a little more..well confirmed what I was afraid of…not being ready myself.
Jackie – thanks for your advice too.
Carm – I appreciate what you have written and hope you will read the post I am about to make on the forum
Jimmy
on 21/09/2009 at 6:40 pm
Wow, this is some blog. How have I survived without you?
Please check out mine – largely about dating disasters:
Keep up the great work.
SomethingSomethingDarkSide
on 22/09/2009 at 6:02 pm
NML and others, after about almost 1 yr of NC I decided to go out on a date with someone who seemed worth my time. After a fantastic date, he indicated he’ll ‘probably’ call the next day, however, he had also indicated a very busy schedule. I ended up texting him to find out when we’d see eachother next, and he brought up a vague response about either today or another day this week. I still haven’t heard from him. I sincerely thought the date was great and didn’t foresee this. It has barely been 3 days since the date/texts. Is it possible he’ll get back this week and I am not being patient?
The date wasn’t with the EX-eum.
Angelina
on 22/09/2009 at 7:29 pm
SSDS: Assuming you are looking for advice – and as much as your query does tie into the blog topic: Look at what his actions are telling you. He said he would call, he didn’t. Then, you contacted him, but he didn’t contact you back. You are now sitting and wondering . . .
Also, right up front, he gave you the, “I am very busy,” excuse.
In my opinion, he laid the groundwork, right up front, to hook you. He is being vague right up front.
Do not, get caught in the trap of another EUM. If a man wants to see you, he will see you. It is that simple.
I wish that I would have learned this at a much younger age.
CaresTooMuch
on 22/09/2009 at 7:44 pm
NML…
Thanks for this post. I wrote on another post a couple of days ago, and was starting to wonder how much of the events between my EUM and me were him and how much was me.
I used to write diary entries way back but since I’ve been dating EUM I haven’t done much. (I guess that was a sign I didn’t want to face reality.) So, this morning…I wrote out a 7 page entry..brutally honest…about me. Given much of what I’ve read throughout your website, I have realized quite harshly that I have been deluding myself…denying reality, obsessing, thinking of him, denying myself and my needs…And the one that hurts the most is that I have little self-respect or self-esteem. I allowed things to happen and continue even though he had told me throughout he wasn’t ready for a relationship… I am not dismissing all the things that he did wrong…he did a lot that was not right, and in typical EU fashion. But I’ve just been focusing on my role, and must say, feel rather ashamed. But once I got everything down on the screen…it was clear…that shift in my mind…I have to let him go. All the potential good times, all the potential love, all the potential affection… I have to let him go, and say goodbye (if only in my mind…because we have already broken up). I blamed him for times we argued (short fuse)…but really, we had no business being or staying together. We wanted/needed companionship and the semblance of love…so well, that is what it is…But it’s clear…we need to go our separate ways. In some way, he is already there..and I am only realizing it now more clearly.
And it’s overwhelming to know the work ahead of me, to make me heal..to love myself. One day at a time, by all accounts here. Could be years, by other many accounts here. Daunting…but I guess I just have to start. I never in the past 10 years, knew any of this or had the guts to want to completely let someone go in favour of healing me…until coming across this website..more importantly..until just this morning. I have so much thanks I feel. It is a heavy thanks…to you for your clear insight. One that also goes out to all the posters here. But a thanks for my start to getting me and my spirit back…the start is that SHIFT in my thinking to take the stance that I need to take, for me… I come first..Crumbs are no longer good enough. And I have to let go.
CaresTooMuch
on 22/09/2009 at 7:51 pm
Something…
Relax…Continue with your life. Dating is a funny thing, and we shouldn’t get caught up after one fantastic date. Keep your thoughts in check because there could be a whole slew of reasons why he hasn’t called. Don’t make it a habit of reading into things that aren’t there… If he calls he is worth your energy and all of who you are. If he doesn’t, then he hasn’t spent enough time to appreciate you…So please don’t waste your time wondering. Just please go find another fantastic date and enjoy!
Astelle
on 22/09/2009 at 7:57 pm
Something, you should not have texted him to ask when you will get together again, you are setting the wrong tone. He was vague when he said he will ‘probably’ call the next day. Stop chasing him, his very busy schedule is a good excuse to blow you off or see you on his time and terms only and should have been a little red flag.
Be careful…
Blaise
on 22/09/2009 at 8:22 pm
SomethingSomethingDarkSide,
There is a forum now for questions of this nature:
1. This man is telling you he is not interested at the level you are.
2. Texting him was not a good idea as he told you what he would do and if he did not do it, then there was your answer on whether he was a good man for you or not. At that point you downgrade him in your head and focus on other things. If he pops back up, then you calmly see (from his actions and from your BALANCED feelings) whether he is someone you want a second date with.
3. It does not matter whether he gets back to you or not, you are stuck on the “fantastic” date and completely missing his unenthused responses after the “fantastic date”. To me a fantastic date is one in which BOTH parties are involved, before, during and AFTER. Otherwise it is just a momentarily nice time with a guy who is not for me, so move on.
If he decides, after you have given some space (physically – no more texts or contact, and emotionally – downgrading your anxiety and your expectations) to call you to arrange a second date, then you will have had some needed time to clear your head out and get it back to being focused on you. Your level of anxiety means that you have upgraded this man in your head while a part of you knows that he has downgraded you in his. This does not have to be a permenant situation, but texting him and being worried about him/the date/when will he call so he gets that vibe, no matter how hard you try to hide it if he does call, will not help him want to upgrade you again!
I highly recommend that you read this book (along with every post here at this site and NMLs books)
Everytime you get anxious, read that book, or come here and read this blog. Over and over and over until it starts to sink in.
Btw, NML, can you do a post about upgading and downgrading concepts, if you have not already. Like really noticing when a man is downgrading you in his head and how to deal with that all too often occurence. How to stay focused on YOU and getting a prespective that is not all him-centric.
SomethingSomethingDarkSide
on 23/09/2009 at 3:20 am
Much thanks to all of you. When I texted him about the next time we’d meet, I was trying to my best to show him that I appreciate stability and predictability. I wasn’t trying to be “known or downgraded”. However, I suppose if someone truly likes you then they would tell/show you immediately, not wait and be ambiguous. Thank you again.
Alexandria
on 23/09/2009 at 4:04 pm
This article HIT THE NAIL IN MY COFFIN AND DROVE IT 6 FEET DEEP!! I was definitely involved with someone who gave me that hot response.. (wanting to marry me and have kids) he even went as far as to get a house to accomadate himself and my children(from a previous relationship) eventually the relationship went COLD… REAL COLD.. in like a couple of months. There were some things that went on in the relationship that should not have happened, and i realize it happened because I shouldn’t have been dating, KNEW i shouldnt have been dating and proceeded to go with the illusion of “Princess finds Prince, Prince takes care of Princess and the they live happily ever after” Long story short, he said I was not what he wanted, and there was NO future for us. Instead of me hearing that and moving on I proceeded to bring up what he said Previously about us getting married, and that he loved me.. blah blah blah. I was and probably still am living in an illusion. We have went back and forth for the past two weeks.. Like a Standoff.. He wont change his mind about our relationship and I KEEP trying to persuade him otherwise. I finally had to initiate No Contact because really I need to take out time to be by myself, do for myself and love myself. I understand today that if i was living in reality and had healthy thoughts of myself, i would have put up my red flag signs the week after we started talking that he wanted to marry me. Who really does that? Thats only stuff that happens in movies. (Also let me add that he and I dated 10yrs ago so we have a history of dating off and on) This article is excellent and it really helps me to see that I need to put my two feet on the ground and to stop flying around on a wild goose chase. But talking is only part of it. I can talk all i want but if i do nothing its futile. I’ve wasted so much time dealing with him, I’ve lost sight of who really is important. MYSELF. So thanks for the article. I can’t wait for Part 2.
Butterfly
on 24/09/2009 at 7:16 am
If there is one thing I’ve learned is that it is NOT the end of the world if you opt out, and you can do so with grace and dignity even if you don’t feel particularly graceful or dignified in the process. Also, that knowing is a million times better than uncertainty and that the time you spend chasing your tail is time you will never get back.
In the long run, it’s better.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2024, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
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Good Friday morning to you, dear NML.
VERY important point to note – in order to feel good about yourself, you must choose to make the decision to change what you’re doing if it causes you pain, disappointment or makes you feel lonely or icky MORE than it makes you feel solid, secure, safe and confident.
You have to be willing to be more committed to being good to yourself than you are committted to the dream about the relationship/man involved.
You have to CHOOSE. And on choosing make the decisions that take care of you – or make the decidions that will continue to be self-destructive.
Yes, these men can disappoint us, hurt our feelings, offer us less, blow hot and cold, etc — but ONLY until we stop them in their tracks by changing our position about staying and leave.
Being unwilling or afraid to leave, or feeling terrified that we’ll NEVER find anyone like “X” again is usually just our dealing with having a scarcity illusion
/ issue.
If you believe in and love yourself in a healthy manner, there will ALWAYS be another man out there that is interested in you.
And the healthier you are, the more you like, respect and trust YOURSELF — the better your discernment will be, and the better quality of man will be attracted to you.
Like draws to like. If you’ve worked on yourself and faced these issues of being willing to change your postion if someone’s actions are unacceptable, you’re telling the Universe you want to be happy.
Happy – you’re in a far better position to find a man who also has his act together and will treat you well.
If you hang onto dreams instead, you’ll always find a guy who is willing to delude you…
You choose — taking care of yourself emotionally and intellectually OR hoping he’ll take care of you and not consistently getting what you want or need.
Changing your position with an EUM is a mirror of how you feel about yourself.
DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF ?
Wow, this article just makes so much sense and helps so much! But, there is no way I could have read this even 6 months ago and seen this in myself. It is a process of growth, and a choice on our part to stop holding onto something that we think we want that, in reality, the other person isn’t even offering!
Thank you.
Loving Annie:
Good post!! Agree 100% Thanks for that! And thanks to you too NML for another great point/post! 🙂
Loving Annie – fantastic insight and awareness! I love that you have connected the fear of change with why we won’t shift position but that we have to recognise when things don’t feel good and take charge of the change. Very proud of you and your progress!
Lisa – well said! I think we are ready and willing to hear certain messages at certain points. You’ve let go of the illusion and acknowledged your pain, so you’re ready.
Karen – no problem 🙂
Nice post and it suits me.Im adopting a new position,I give up trying to change him and decided to acept reality.He wont change and how he is now is no good for me.I keep telling myself that everyday and I fell is slowly sinking in my heart.
OMG, so very very true. I spent eleven (yes, 11) years helping, supporting, getting him out of one bind after the other while he kept telling me that he was very grateful, that he would always remember what I did for him and if I needed help, he’d be there for me.
Well now, he’s got a business that is starting to take off and all is good for him, but I’m in a financial crunch. So, I ask for some assistance and get this long spiel (which I’m sure you’ve all heard) about the nerve of me asking for help when poor old him is trying to get his business off the ground and why didn’t I manage things better, despite the fact that I’m in this crunch ONLY because of him. And, yes, I’ve helped him and he thanks me but he’s got his problems and I’ve got to sort out my problems myself.
So, I’ve finally really realized in my heart rather than my head that my fantasy of him appreciating and loving me and wanting to reciprocate and we live happily ever after (yeah, right) is just that, a fantasy. I’ve been holding my position despite his words and actions thinking that EVENTUALLY he’ll wisen up and realize what a great catch I am, lol. Plus I must admit it was easier to fix his life rather than mine, that by immersing myself in all the pain and drama I could use it as an excuse why I never got anywhere in life because after all I was suffering and how could anyone expect anything of poor old me.
So, this site and the spot-on articles here have resonated so much for me, NML, and you have provided so much invaluable insight into both the AC and we, the fallback girl, that I cannot thank you enough. It’s Day 7 of NC and for the first time in this horrid 11-year-one-night stand I called a relationship, I feel I have more insight and plain old-fed-up-itness to stop the madness. Thanks again.
Wonderful post, thank you!! and great folllow up loving Annie! 🙂
I can’t wait until NML’s writings become mandatory study for grade-school aged girls!! This is why…..
I have spent the past 25 years brooding, pining, screaming at myself (once again) and dealing with severe hate and self-loathing over the men in my life!! No one taught me anything except co-dependent behavior. I honestly believe that if this was taught to me at an early age…I could have saved myself some unnecessary heartache and hangups. I cannot wait for the day when men do not have the choice to act like complete a++clowns because women will have finally wised up to their BS antics and will refuse to put up with it. How’s that for taking a position?
I have come back to reality after a brief stunt with my ex-AC and I’m feeling incredibly stupid but yet, so much wiser! This couldn’t be a more needed article for me at this point. I want so much more but keep going backwards to get it….only to find it’s not there.
NML said “”You (rightly) determine that you are not going to be downgraded to a casual relationship, but you don’t end the relationship either.”” My position has changed for the good.
Great post NML!
@ Loving Annie…””If you hang onto dreams instead, you’ll always find a guy who is willing to delude you…””
Ouch! But so spot on…thanks for that =)
Good Job, Nancy! It is sometimes a hard pill to swallow when we finally see the situation for the reality that it is…. but it is good to see you trying No Contact. Keep checking in here. There are so many supportive people along with the great articles…. I’m finding that the further into NC for myself, the more I understand the bigger picture of what NML is writing, and I feel really free.
11 years is a long time, I was married to an EU (only I didn’t know that’s what it was until I found this site) for 13 years. It is not a fun place to be! Things can and will get better.
NML,
Thank you 🙂
And even more blissful, I’m walking the walk now – will tell you more when we talk 🙂
Hope you have a great weekend !
Hello everyone,
I ‘ve stumbled upon this site a couple of years ago and am really glad that I’ve stumbled upon it again yesterday. I cant explain how amazing it is to see other people writing exactly how I feel/have felt over the years and to begin to understand my own feelings and behaviours. I feel as though I have taken some huge steps mentally over the past 24 hours. I am a beatiful, smart, funny and independent woman yet all my relationships have been with an assclown of one variety or another (I love that term!). The cheater, the manchild, the player, the controller. I am aware that I am an EUW myself and that I only seem to be attracted to the wrong kind of men. I’m at the stage where I can see red flags around every man I meet and have a hard time trusting my instincts because of this. I tried to avoid the drama and looking for “that feeling” only to end up in a 12 month relationship with a man who always did what he said he would do but who never ever gave me one ounce of emotion. I felt so lonely and rejected that I ended it and have been single now for 6 months. Most recently I ended up dating a man who has me rather confused. I met him online and before meeting him very quickly found out that he hadn’t spoken to his mother in over 10 years (red flag1). Being petrified I stopped contact with him for a few days but told myself I was making excuses so initiated contact again. We had a lovely first date where we had dinner (no red flags) and appeared to have some of the same values eg wanting children. Our second date the next day where we met for coffee which turned into lunch was also very good. We agreed to meet the following weekend and he phoned me to talk a couple of times as well as sending texts. However on the day of our date he text to advise that he was going to be late due to car problems and eventually advised that he wasn’t going to be able to make it as his car had been towed away. When I tried to phone him he didn’t answer (red flag 2) but text me a few minutes later advising that his phone was running out of power and he would call me the next day which he did. We made a date for the following weekend and had a number of telephone conversations in between. That weekend He met me with a large bunch of flowers and we had a great date and I met a number of his friends. I stayed the night but we didnt have sex and he didnt pressure me to but advised he was willing to wait until I was ready. He was physically affectionate and great fun. We discussed havng a date in a few days time and he said he would phone me. He did but very briefly and he was obviously distracted during the call and had forgotten our plans for a date(red flag 3) but advisid he would confirm the next day after he found out about his work commitments (he is a detective). He later advised that he couldnt make it and failed to respond to a text I sent but appeared to be on a dating website (red flag 4 ) so I sent a text advisng that whilst I appreciated that he had a demanding job I didn’t appreciate being let down and that I wished him all the best for the future and promptly deleted his texts and telephone number. He didn’t respond. I then realised that I had left my earrings at his house and contacted him via the dating site to ask for their return. No response. I sent a further jokey request for my earrings a few days later and a some days later he responded that he had posted them that day. It later transpired that he hadn’t but had put them in the post a few days later and I thanked him for returning them. This led to him texting me that he was sorry for being unreliable but that he had found out that his ex wife’s father had died had been buried and that his ex wife had told his friends not to inform him and that this had made him feel angry and upset and then feel guilty and that he wished he had explained this to me at the time. After a few texts he asked me out on another date and because I had nothing better to do and quite liked him I agreed. We spoke on the phone most evenings prior to the date and I had another great date with him but was slightly freaked out by talking about wanting children and wanting to take me away for a weekend in the future and advising that in order to reassure me he wanted to invite me out with his friends to a celebratory meal at a restaurant that had been. I was scared I was being played. We arranged to meet a few evenings later and introduce our dogs to one another. Again we made several phone calls and texts to one another in the meantime. However many of the texts were quite sexual in nature and the evening before our date he went a little too far which I expressed to him and which he appeared to respect. The day of our date he turned up with a gift of some chocolates and I felt so scared and anxious and wasn’t myself at all. He picked up on this and advised that I needed to relax more and we made a further date for the weekend. The next morning he texted me and I replied but got no more communication from him. I was feeling extremely vulnerable due to my behaviour the previous evening and went online in the hope that his profile would state that he hadn’t been online but he was online. I texted him asking if everthig was ok as he hadn’t replied to my text but was online and he denied being online and phoned me to discuss it. He continued to deny being online and I gave him what for and advised that he had better think of something else to tell me other than that he wasn’t online and then ended the call. 36 hours later he texted me in the early hours of the morning to advise that it was over due to me not contacting him to discuss the situation and that he hadn’t done anything to deserve my mistrust and humour, attractiveness, common wants and interests obviously wern’t enough for me which was a shame as there were enough for him. I tried texting him a couple of times but got no response. A few days later it dawned on me that as he has an iphone he may well have linked his email account to his dating site in which case if he signed into his emails he would also appear online on the dating site. I wrote him a note explaining that I may have made a mistake and that if I had I was sorry but what was done was done. He text me the following day to advise that he had found out that his ex had been hacking into his account and that he hoped I was well and that he was really busy but would contact me in a few days to let me know the outcome of a job interview. The following week he did contact me and since then(10 days) we have been in regular text contact. However he only texts me during work hours. I commented on this yesterday and today he sent a couple of texts when he was not at work. I feel so conflicted about what position I should maintain. I’m petrified about getting into another awful, painful twisted relationship. Advice/perspective would be much appreciated
I am not one to give advice because my life and relationships have been awful. I think you should leave this guy alone. He is still involved with his X and only has time for you with e mails and texting. You want more from him and you do not even know him. I think the relationship you want from him is not going to happen. Save yourself a lot of pain and hurt . You should end what is only in your mind before it becomes another hurt and you have to live with and he goes on his merry way without a second thought of you and how you are feeling
EUMfreezonetobe,
First, scared is not a good sign for a relationship. You aren’t tied into an arranged marriage, you aren’t committed to his jail. Walk away.
I suspect that you aren’t ready to share your life. Trying too soon, trying before you are sure of your goals, and boundaries, is unfair to the guy. You cannot help but send mixed messages.
I suspect that this guy is picking up that you don’t consider him the life mate of your mother’s dreams, so . . . that leaves him thinking you are there for a sex adventure. Only you aren’t being clear that you really want a sex adventure . . . You want all of him, to know that he isn’t slipping around, yet you aren’t to the point in the relationship, and haven’t conducted yourself, as if you are a deeply committed couple.
There is a time to worry about whether he is online and looking for someone else – or possibly online partially related to his job. Understand that if he is a detective, there will be some things his work forbids him to discuss with you, and his personal habits may keep some other topics and issues quiet.
I am not sure your red flag #3 is really that much of a red flag. He isn’t a high schooler, he has more things going on in life than homework. And keep in mind the fact he is a guy – telling him “shorts don’t go on the floor, put them in the clothes hamper” is likely to get them draped on the doorknob – for two days, then back to the floor. “. . . strength to change what I can, understanding to accept what I cannot, wisdom to know the difference . . .” Forgetting dates, birthdays – these are things that you may or may not need to accept. If he is confusing multiple dates and claiming to have forgotten – that is scummy and deceitful. At this point it is tough to say.
And because you are fearful about this – it doesn’t matter. You have to protect yourself. You will never build a secure and happy home, going into this thing with fear.
When you complain about red flags around the guys you meet – how are you going about meeting people, not just guys, that don’t have the red flags? People that respect each other, that generally enjoy their daily lives, people that are honest because it is a habit, not because someone might be watching? How are you going about looking for people that know what a stable and happy relationship is, that might help explain what a good partner for such a life would be like?
You describe yourself as beautiful – how often do you go out nekkid – with no makeup? Possibly the next guy you meet bare-faced, with no scent on you but sweat and maybe dirt, might actually be comfortable to keep around. Remember that essential feminine feature for snaring a *good* man – the smile. Nothing beats a happy smile, honestly portrayed.
Anyway, picking the best drunk in the bar is a losing proposition, obviously. But does picking the best guy in the best bar get that much better? How about the happiest guy working at the grocery store, or hardware store? How about if you found a woman delighted in her son’s character, that her neighbors respect for his character? I am just saying, if you don’t like the fish you are dredging up, try a different pond. Or pasture, or . . . whatever.
Brad K and Eumfreezonetobe – Thanks for your comments. Due to the request for personal advice and the length of it, please continue your conversation on the forum as it’s more appropriate there.
“At some point, we have to stop focusing on them and bring the focus right back to us and deal with the person that can change – US.At some point you either have to adapt your position, or…adopt a new one.”
Ayup…shift gears, paddle off in another direction, chart a new course, take a hike, sail off for a distant shore, leave the past behind, happy trails, high tail it out of town, sing a new song, find a new ride, blaze a new trail, anchors away, movin on, hey, it’s all good once you get over the shock of change. Change is good.
No matter the pace, change is good.
EUMfreezonetobe:
The guy sounds like he is playing a cat and mouse game with you, seems to bring up his ex as a reason why he flaked out on you and is on the dating site (why would his ex hack into his account? why would his ex tell his friends not to inform him that her father died? Those two tidbits of info in themselves are sketchy. Why is his ex playing such a big part in his life?), and has exhibited quite a few other major red flags already that you mentioned. My advice would be to bail immediately.
But more importantly, you said you don’t trust your instincts now when it comes to men, and it seems your confidence in yourself around this guy sounds really shaky, so maybe that is a sign that you are not ready to be dating yet. You said you are aware you are an EUW and are attracted to the wrong kinds of men. Maybe it would be helpful to take some time out and figure out why this is, and how to change from being an EUW first before you start dating again.
NML has many posts here on emotional unavailability and things you can do to get yourself healthier which will attract healthier men and relationships. You will find alot of great information here, and I’m glad you came across this site again.
NML – it was only after posting my comment that I read that this was not the place for seeking advice. I was mortified I can tell you. It wont happen again and I shall post on the forum in future. Thanks so much for this site.
Brad K – thanks for your perspective. Its much appreciated and has opened my eyes a little more..well confirmed what I was afraid of…not being ready myself.
Jackie – thanks for your advice too.
Carm – I appreciate what you have written and hope you will read the post I am about to make on the forum
Wow, this is some blog. How have I survived without you?
Please check out mine – largely about dating disasters:
Keep up the great work.
NML and others, after about almost 1 yr of NC I decided to go out on a date with someone who seemed worth my time. After a fantastic date, he indicated he’ll ‘probably’ call the next day, however, he had also indicated a very busy schedule. I ended up texting him to find out when we’d see eachother next, and he brought up a vague response about either today or another day this week. I still haven’t heard from him. I sincerely thought the date was great and didn’t foresee this. It has barely been 3 days since the date/texts. Is it possible he’ll get back this week and I am not being patient?
The date wasn’t with the EX-eum.
SSDS: Assuming you are looking for advice – and as much as your query does tie into the blog topic: Look at what his actions are telling you. He said he would call, he didn’t. Then, you contacted him, but he didn’t contact you back. You are now sitting and wondering . . .
Also, right up front, he gave you the, “I am very busy,” excuse.
In my opinion, he laid the groundwork, right up front, to hook you. He is being vague right up front.
Do not, get caught in the trap of another EUM. If a man wants to see you, he will see you. It is that simple.
I wish that I would have learned this at a much younger age.
NML…
Thanks for this post. I wrote on another post a couple of days ago, and was starting to wonder how much of the events between my EUM and me were him and how much was me.
I used to write diary entries way back but since I’ve been dating EUM I haven’t done much. (I guess that was a sign I didn’t want to face reality.) So, this morning…I wrote out a 7 page entry..brutally honest…about me. Given much of what I’ve read throughout your website, I have realized quite harshly that I have been deluding myself…denying reality, obsessing, thinking of him, denying myself and my needs…And the one that hurts the most is that I have little self-respect or self-esteem. I allowed things to happen and continue even though he had told me throughout he wasn’t ready for a relationship… I am not dismissing all the things that he did wrong…he did a lot that was not right, and in typical EU fashion. But I’ve just been focusing on my role, and must say, feel rather ashamed. But once I got everything down on the screen…it was clear…that shift in my mind…I have to let him go. All the potential good times, all the potential love, all the potential affection… I have to let him go, and say goodbye (if only in my mind…because we have already broken up). I blamed him for times we argued (short fuse)…but really, we had no business being or staying together. We wanted/needed companionship and the semblance of love…so well, that is what it is…But it’s clear…we need to go our separate ways. In some way, he is already there..and I am only realizing it now more clearly.
And it’s overwhelming to know the work ahead of me, to make me heal..to love myself. One day at a time, by all accounts here. Could be years, by other many accounts here. Daunting…but I guess I just have to start. I never in the past 10 years, knew any of this or had the guts to want to completely let someone go in favour of healing me…until coming across this website..more importantly..until just this morning. I have so much thanks I feel. It is a heavy thanks…to you for your clear insight. One that also goes out to all the posters here. But a thanks for my start to getting me and my spirit back…the start is that SHIFT in my thinking to take the stance that I need to take, for me… I come first..Crumbs are no longer good enough. And I have to let go.
Something…
Relax…Continue with your life. Dating is a funny thing, and we shouldn’t get caught up after one fantastic date. Keep your thoughts in check because there could be a whole slew of reasons why he hasn’t called. Don’t make it a habit of reading into things that aren’t there… If he calls he is worth your energy and all of who you are. If he doesn’t, then he hasn’t spent enough time to appreciate you…So please don’t waste your time wondering. Just please go find another fantastic date and enjoy!
Something, you should not have texted him to ask when you will get together again, you are setting the wrong tone. He was vague when he said he will ‘probably’ call the next day. Stop chasing him, his very busy schedule is a good excuse to blow you off or see you on his time and terms only and should have been a little red flag.
Be careful…
SomethingSomethingDarkSide,
There is a forum now for questions of this nature:
http://baggagereclaim.ning.com/
Having said that, I will say:
1. This man is telling you he is not interested at the level you are.
2. Texting him was not a good idea as he told you what he would do and if he did not do it, then there was your answer on whether he was a good man for you or not. At that point you downgrade him in your head and focus on other things. If he pops back up, then you calmly see (from his actions and from your BALANCED feelings) whether he is someone you want a second date with.
3. It does not matter whether he gets back to you or not, you are stuck on the “fantastic” date and completely missing his unenthused responses after the “fantastic date”. To me a fantastic date is one in which BOTH parties are involved, before, during and AFTER. Otherwise it is just a momentarily nice time with a guy who is not for me, so move on.
If he decides, after you have given some space (physically – no more texts or contact, and emotionally – downgrading your anxiety and your expectations) to call you to arrange a second date, then you will have had some needed time to clear your head out and get it back to being focused on you. Your level of anxiety means that you have upgraded this man in your head while a part of you knows that he has downgraded you in his. This does not have to be a permenant situation, but texting him and being worried about him/the date/when will he call so he gets that vibe, no matter how hard you try to hide it if he does call, will not help him want to upgrade you again!
I highly recommend that you read this book (along with every post here at this site and NMLs books)
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Dreamgirl/dp/1580627560
Everytime you get anxious, read that book, or come here and read this blog. Over and over and over until it starts to sink in.
Btw, NML, can you do a post about upgading and downgrading concepts, if you have not already. Like really noticing when a man is downgrading you in his head and how to deal with that all too often occurence. How to stay focused on YOU and getting a prespective that is not all him-centric.
Much thanks to all of you. When I texted him about the next time we’d meet, I was trying to my best to show him that I appreciate stability and predictability. I wasn’t trying to be “known or downgraded”. However, I suppose if someone truly likes you then they would tell/show you immediately, not wait and be ambiguous. Thank you again.
This article HIT THE NAIL IN MY COFFIN AND DROVE IT 6 FEET DEEP!! I was definitely involved with someone who gave me that hot response.. (wanting to marry me and have kids) he even went as far as to get a house to accomadate himself and my children(from a previous relationship) eventually the relationship went COLD… REAL COLD.. in like a couple of months. There were some things that went on in the relationship that should not have happened, and i realize it happened because I shouldn’t have been dating, KNEW i shouldnt have been dating and proceeded to go with the illusion of “Princess finds Prince, Prince takes care of Princess and the they live happily ever after” Long story short, he said I was not what he wanted, and there was NO future for us. Instead of me hearing that and moving on I proceeded to bring up what he said Previously about us getting married, and that he loved me.. blah blah blah. I was and probably still am living in an illusion. We have went back and forth for the past two weeks.. Like a Standoff.. He wont change his mind about our relationship and I KEEP trying to persuade him otherwise. I finally had to initiate No Contact because really I need to take out time to be by myself, do for myself and love myself. I understand today that if i was living in reality and had healthy thoughts of myself, i would have put up my red flag signs the week after we started talking that he wanted to marry me. Who really does that? Thats only stuff that happens in movies. (Also let me add that he and I dated 10yrs ago so we have a history of dating off and on) This article is excellent and it really helps me to see that I need to put my two feet on the ground and to stop flying around on a wild goose chase. But talking is only part of it. I can talk all i want but if i do nothing its futile. I’ve wasted so much time dealing with him, I’ve lost sight of who really is important. MYSELF. So thanks for the article. I can’t wait for Part 2.
If there is one thing I’ve learned is that it is NOT the end of the world if you opt out, and you can do so with grace and dignity even if you don’t feel particularly graceful or dignified in the process. Also, that knowing is a million times better than uncertainty and that the time you spend chasing your tail is time you will never get back.
In the long run, it’s better.