Buffers Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Advice Wednesday: Am I ‘The Bridge’ For The Christian Woman I Share So Much In Common With?

November 9, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Kevin asks: Two weeks ago, a female employee, 21 (I’m 29), who I’d become good acquaintances with, handed in her notice. Prior to this, I’d never considered a relationship with her.

That day, there was a big concert for a Christian worship band that we’re both fans of. We purchased our tickets together and wound up front row. We started off as friends and connecting was like breathing. As the night went on, it came easy.

Afterwards we grabbed some drinks at a bar down the street. We hang out and she flirts with me. It is obvious that we have a connection. We have an amazing time and she invites me to lunch on Sunday after which we hang and talk for several hours. I thought to myself, This is good. I want a relationship and I’m going to make my intentions known because I’m not going to waste either of our time even if it’s odd. I am her boss for another week but there is connection and I’m comfortable enough, so I ask her if she wants to date and explore that route. Note, I’ve never asked out an employee before.

She explained that she’d cut contact with her ex three weeks before after going through a breakup for a couple of months and that she’s not ready but maybe in the future. She asked for friendship.

We continue to hang out and make plans. She’s passive in planning time to hang out together (she mentions something that’s going on and waits for me to initiate the plans about it). Each time we hang out, it seems we build more rapport, more similarities in lifestyles, goals, plans and have so much in common despite the short time.

I’ve made it clear that I want the commitment. It feels like I’m getting played as a bridge between relationships. I plan to back off and see if she initiates anything and see if she is jealous of the potential of me going out with other girls. I want to see how she responds to me insinuating that I don’t like being friend-zoned or being ‘the bridge’. It’s not my place nor am I that patient. I hardly ever find one that could fit the mold so I find myself unusually attracted and do want that commitment option but also don’t like the situation I have now.

**********

Kevin, your heart is in the right place but you’re letting your predetermined outcome and your ego get in the way of coming from the most authentic place.

You’ve fallen into the trap that so many do: Having met someone who you feel ticks the boxes of a list that you on some level were convinced that it would be hard to fill, your excitement and assumptions have convinced you that she’s a woman of serious potential. You mention in the longer letter how hard it is to “find someone truly faithful to God yet understand that it isn’t about religious activity but heart behind much of it”, and I feel for you because your lack of faith about how many women share your perspective, is creating a scarcity mindset.

What you’re unaware of is that you’ve made a snap judgement. You’ve taken details you like about this young woman and blown it into her being a potentially ideal mate because you because you like you and have your faith views and so inferring that synchronicity and similarity with her has you pencilling her in as partner or even wifey material.

You on some level felt safe to explore the possibilities now that work boundaries were on their way out. In the space of 24 hours, you went from good acquaintances, to discovering common ground, to requesting a relationship. Whether that is down to your faith or the way you operate, that is too much, too fast.

**All you could do was ask for a date not a commitment.**

Sure, agreeing to a date is a micro-commitment but feeling aggrieved that a woman who has just cut off her ex didn’t give you “the commitment” is unfair and it’s not in the spirit of the values you espouse.

You’re bruised that she isn’t matching you and understandably object to being ‘friend zoned’ but then you’re passive in your involvement and not owning your right to step away from this if friendship isn’t something you want or that you can handle.

You could argue that you’ve only just gone from acquaintances to fast friends and that your romantic interest is very recent so in theory, as disappointed as you may feel, you can potentially rein in your interest and take the time to get to know her, not the image of her. Of course if you can’t and you are on some level feeling resentful because you’re being ‘friendly’ while having the agenda of hoping that the consequence of hanging out will be that she gives you “the commitment”, roll back, waaaay back. That’s a hidden agreement and your ill feeling is not so much about what she’s doing but how you’re not being boundaried with you and honouring your own feelings, even if that means that for the time being, you step back.

I feel that I should point out that she hasn’t led you on by getting on so well with you. You reference her having flirted with you but as you’re the one chomping at the bit for a commitment, it’s important to acknowledge that you did your part in creating this connection that’s “like breathing”. Aren’t you flirting with her too? Aren’t you the one pursuing her?

I know it might feel as if you have “so much in common” and that you’ve gleaned a great deal of information about her but you are mistaking intensity for intimacy.

You also haven’t acknowledged that you are only talking about your feelings and your perspective, not hers.

This perception of your connection shows blurred boundaries and your wake-up call about that was when she stated her position. That was your cue to recognise where you end and she begins.

She is passive with you, maybe because that’s her general mode, something you might want to take note of as you wax lyrical about how much you have in common, but I also suspect that her passiveness about arrangements is so that you don’t get the wrong impression. She enjoys your company and yes, possibly enjoys the attention but she is not over her ex. She possibly thought that you were both enjoying friendly Christian time together. It’s also very possible that she’s a pleaser who worries about being “rude” and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

You talk about not wanting to be ‘the bridge’ between her previous relationship and her next one but I’ve got to be honest with you, Kevin—you have choices here! If you don’t want to be the bridge, don’t be. You’re not a hostage! Maybe she’s just mentioning interesting things as part of conversation or maybe she is being passive about arrangements but Kevin, you don’t have to suggest plans and you need to adjust your expectations about arrangements to one of a friendly capacity. You’re not her boyfriend or boyfriend-in-waiting. I’m not convinced that you’re her friend either.

Resentment will grow if you continue to suggest arrangements and hang out while on some level expecting to be rewarded for your efforts.

You’re both Christians and have things in common and yes, that might feel like a rarity, but she’s not obliged to become your girlfriend. Also, she might be the first employee you’ve ever asked out and that might feel ‘special’ but be careful of inferring a specialness in her or an obligation for her to justify you ‘putting yourself out’.

I’m going to hazard a guess that you have more dating experience than her so if you know that this situation is confusing, do the right thing for the both of you and step back. Take responsibility for your side of the street.

And don’t do sh-tty things like trying to mess with her head by backing off or trying to make her jealous. Not only is it manipulative but it’s disingenuous. It’s like, “Let me get control of this situation or punish you for not being interested in me”—if you ‘get’ her this way it will not feel the same as if you had gotten involved with her in a more authentic, mutual way. You might have been the boss at work but you’re not her boss outside of it. Bearing in mind that she’s just cut off her ex, compassion would dictate that you give her space and respect her feelings. Why try to hurt the woman who you’re supposed to be so interested in?

It seems that you’re afraid that there isn’t a woman that fits “the mold” and there may be a level of internal pressure about getting settled by a certain point. Maybe you feel as if you have everything but the woman to complete your life but, there is no such as the woman who fits the image in your head (“the mold”). Yes, know your values but don’t turn up with a cookie cutter. You might be blind to the things that are not on your list as well as blind about some of what’s on it. Take this experience as life’s way of letting you know that the woman who could “fit the mold” has factors and a past that you haven’t considered. Let go of the fixed mindset. You’ll find that meeting like-minded women is less of a rarity. Stop trying to be in control of ‘everything’ so that you can be open to meeting the woman you can love and build a life with.

Do you have any advice for Kevin? What do you think of this situation? Do you think he’s got mixed messages?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words.

Don’t Be The Bridge Between Someone’s Old & New Relationship

July 11, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Odds are that if somebody came to you and said, “I like you. You seem like a good, kind, loving, accommodating person so I have a proposition for you: I’m wounded because I’m fresh out of a relationship. Thing is, I don’t really want to think about that relationship or my feelings about him/her, or what went wrong or what I can potentially learn from this experience. I know I’m not ready for a relationship and I don’t really have a great deal to offer, but one day I might do. I have an ex so, you know, be hopeful that I might extend a relationship to you one day. I could theoretically be woeful at relationships, but because you know that I have an ex, I want you to assume that I have a good line of relationship credit that I might spend on you one day. Give it enough time and I could transfer my time, energies and emotions to you. So…, what I want you to do is be in a rebound relationship with me. I want you to help me transition from being hurt /angry /frustrated /disillusioned /depressed /ambivalent or whatever I am post-breakup, to being relationship-ready…for someone else”–you would tell them to jog on.

But if you’ve been involved in a rebound relationship, then you’re all too familiar with how you accepted some variation of this rather painful proposition. Invariably, you invest yourself into this setup and aside from feeling short-changed by your role of being The Buffer who acts as an emotional airbag, often wind up providing safe passage to their next relationship. In some cases, they go back to their ex.

When you enter into a rebound relationship, you end up being a bridge between old and new. Instead of them having to stand on their own two feet, they stand on you.

Rebounding invites delay and pain into your life. You get to busy yourself in a problem that wasn’t created by you but you also avoid making a decision about what you want. You don’t have to commit but instead it looks like you want to, it’s just the matter of this pesky partner who is still unavailable and resisting commitment despite you being there for him/her.

Advice Wednesday: He’s separated, we’ve been together for 2 years but he’s super-busy. Help!

May 18, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Sometimes people overestimate their capacity, interest, time or even themselves. It’s part of the human condition. We think it’s going to take an hour to do something and next thing half the day has gone. We start off all guns blazing with a new relationship and then remember that the honeymoon passes and that we have to show up plus if we haven’t gotten over our ex and we were in fact trying to escape those feelings, that we’re going to start feeling super uncomfortable. We insist that we’ve changed to woo someone back and then do a Britney with ‘Oops!…I did it again’.

Sometimes we think that we can fit in a relationship even though we’re technically still under contract because we’re separated and there’s still a lot to resolve. Next thing, we’re like an overstuffed sausage and throwing ourselves into work (or claiming that we are) as a way of avoiding having to deal with our marriage and our other relationship that we’ve promised ourselves to when we were in a better mood and feeling more enthusiastic/horny/deluded/scared/hopeful.

The latter is what I sense has happened with Sandy in today’s Advice Wednesday and two years down the road with her “kind and very gentle” separated guy who now seems to have The Busiest Job In The World TM and is asking and in fact insisting on her patience, her relationship isn’t really going anywhere.

Some people find it easier to drop hints by making themselves unavailable through some other convenient excuse rather than admit that they don’t want the relationship anymore or jeopardise having all of the fringe benefits (shag, ego stroke, shoulder to lean on, safety net etc).

If I were in a relationship with a separated uber-busy guy for two years, I’d probably have rationalised the hell out of things, reassuring me that he’s separated but not ‘married married’. I’d probably be scared of leaving and it all being a ‘waste’ and even looking like a ‘fool’. I’d say stuff like, “I just need to be patient. He’s a good guy in a bad situation. If I just hang in there and don’t make too many waves, he’ll get the divorce sorted and we can move on with our own lives. Sure, if I start dating now, who knows who I might meet…. All the good men are gone. It’s so hard out there and he’s so kind and gentle with me. Push down those tears, take a few deep breaths and play the long game. Ugh…this hurts so much…”

No wonder she has her doubts about him and this situation.

As the saying goes, if things aren’t adding up, start subtracting.

If you’re supposed to be in a relationship but it feels and even looks more like their sideline hustle rather than their main gig, pull the plug because you shouldn’t have to fight your partner to make basic time for you or have to threaten to leave. Why should somebody have two people ‘on retainer’ while you swing in the wind waiting for them to slot you in?

Also, there are undoubtedly separated people who don’t start new relationships and then put the new person on layaway while they decide what to do with themselves or keep their foot in their marriage and have the best of both worlds. They separate, take time to sort out their situation and don’t leave people hanging. When you’re put in the situation of living on the fringes of someone’s life while they claim that they’re in a relationship with you or you end up feeling as if you’re losing your dignity by having to chase them up about what the hell is going on, it’s demoralising. No person who truly loves, cares for, trusts and respects you, should put you through that.

Have you waited around for somebody to make time for you, to finally get their divorce up and running, to finally show up to the relationship? What did you do? What advice do you have for Sandy?

Advice Wednesday #8: Is He Really Not Over The Way He Broke Up With His Ex or Is It Just An Excuse?

March 16, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

The Tricky Situation: Marcy asks, I was recently dumped by a guy. We dated exclusively for four months and he ended it because he wasn’t “ready for a relationship” yet, though he had “thought he could be” with me. He claimed he wasn’t over what happened with his ex, who he had been with for four years, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to be with her and broke up with her. He says he still has guilt about how they broke up (over the phone cause they were long-distance) and that she didn’t get any closure. I can’t help but wonder if he is just making an excuse — can he really be hung up simply on how they broke up? They broke up less than a year ago when we had met and he had already dated one other girl between her and me. I believe that he stopped dating the other girl because she wanted to be “too serious too soon,” but since we made it to four months, I thought we were going to work out. I guess that was a sign, but I just feel completely duped. Am I crazy?

********************

You’re definitely not crazy Marcy but I do think that you have fallen into the trap of ignoring your intuition and yes, even an element of trying to be the exception. When you said that you had “made it to four months”, all I could see was a situation where you were dating this guy and on some level knowing that he had issues and then pushing down anxiety and almost praying that you can get past what you might think was the rocky mark in his previous involvement. This sounds like a challenge not a relationship.

I can’t tell you whether he is or isn’t over his ex but what I can tell you is that he doesn’t seem to know his arse from his elbow, with all of his contrary, flip-flapping, “I’m not ready for a relationship” but then carrying on as if you were supposed to be a commitment sorceress who was going to make him available and able to forget his issues.

What also cannot be denied is that if he was in a relationship for four years and some or all of it was long-distance and things ended over the phone nearly a year ago and he feels guilty over the lack of closure, why hasn’t he done something about it? As Oleta Adams sang in her hit, ‘Get Here’:

“You can reach me by railway

You can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane

……I don’t care how you get here
Just get here if you can”

His kind of guilt is of the procrastinating, not really as guilty as he makes himself out to be kind. It’s a way of avoiding showing up in the present and when he fails to deliver in his new relationships, he can play the guilt card. He could have made this right a thousand times over in the time since he broke up with her, especially because surely the ending of the relationship he had directly after that breakup was the call to action? He doesn’t want to be with his ex and yet she’s his go-to excuse; I don’t blame you for feeling confused and suspicious. Not being over your ex isn’t always about still being in love; he’s not over the relationship. Even if he’s bullsh-tting to a degree, he’s not over his past relationship(s) because it is impacting his current behaviour.

He may very well be hung up on how they broke up because he is avoiding thinking about the content of those four years. That requires introspection and recognising who he is, what he needs, and what that relationship reflected about his emotional state or what he was truly available for relationship wise.

Us humans are funny ‘ole creatures. Even when we can be logical, we’re not, but even when we are being logical, we can often be derailed by emotional reasoning. His position makes sense to him but of course it doesn’t make sense to you. The fact that you think him being hung up on how they broke up is odd, doesn’t mean that it’s not real. His lack of self-awareness means that he doesn’t understand what is motivating him to reach for that excuse, but his position is his position.

Advice Wednesday #3: Widowed & Hurt From First Relationship Breakup–Can I Trust Again After Mr Unavailable?

February 10, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

The tricky situation: I’m a 65-year-old widow of five years, (married forty years) going through my first relationship breakup since losing my husband. I broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn’t stand the mixed messages. I can’t understand what happened and keep ruminating. He was separated (married 2 years), unhappy, and I was lonely–we had great chemistry. He came on strong but after 9 months, he hadn’t and wouldn’t tell his ex he was dating because “he didn’t want to hurt her”–claims he told her he didn’t love her.

She visits his house and wants to reconcile. He’s been pulling away from me these last few months. Based on what he’s told me about past relationships, he seemed to act in a way that would cause me to do the breaking up so he wouldn’t have to. He always said he wouldn’t hurt me but I am hurt. In retrospect, I think he always thought this was a short term relationship, maybe a time filler until getting back with his ex. I think he changed his mind about the separation. I also sense this is a pattern–he’s had many short-term relationships. His friend said the issue with his ex would never be resolved, implying that he’s done this before. He fits all of the Mr Unavailable characteristics, could never discuss intimate feelings, is very secretive and is a poster boy for your red flag list— I ignored them because I was so lonely and somewhat naive. I’ve been No Contact for almost 2 months. Can I recover without ever really knowing the truth? I’m having panic attacks. I want him to know that I know what he did. Can I trust again at my age? Should I just be content to live alone? My relationship vault is now in lockdown.

************************

I am so very sorry for your loss. For forty years, you knew where you were at and now you’re not only having to try and figure out how to live on without your husband but dating has changed significantly since back in the day when you met him. I hear from so many people who were in long term relationships that started before there was putting a profile online, texting, sexting, swiping left and right, talk of Friends With Benefits and booty calls, and the list goes on. They step back into dating, not realising that not everything people show or tell you online is real and taking what can often be the intensity of Future Faking and Fast Forwarding as a sign of a “happy ending”, only to wind up very disappointed and disillusioned. It’s also not helped by everyone from friends, family, society and the media making out as if your last chance saloon has gone if you’re a woman over 25, and if you take any of that guff seriously and it plays into any insecurities, you’ll jump on any attention that comes your way as if it’s your last meal.

Another factor that amped up the intensity of things is that you had what I call a Starvation or Lean Period–this is a period of time where you are starved out of affection, attention and love due to being hard on you in some way, feeling brokenhearted due to a loss, and not really knowing how to take care of you.

You mention loneliness: sometimes when you lose a loved one, due to feeling on some level as if you don’t want to be a nuisance or a burden and/or some loved ones acting what appears to be differently or even lacking empathy, you clam up and stop expressing your innermost feelings and thoughts including to yourself. This causes you to feel emotionally adrift, often triggering you into looking for something or someone to take away those feelings. When you then feel interest in someone for the first time and/or they express interest in you, it’s distorted plus, if and when things go awry, it re-opens feelings of loss and low self-worth that you’ve attempted to squash down.

You want to love and be loved and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a natural desire. Some of this situation stems from a need for someone to come along and fill a void and when you are looking for an external solution to something internal (unhappiness with you, not feeling “enough” and that you can cope on your own, wanting someone to take away your pain etc), this significantly impacts who you choose and what you will accept.

The same person that won't tell their ex that they're in a relationship with you because they "don't want to hurt him/her", won't tell you that they've gone back because they "don't want to hurt you". Flush! The thing about someone between relationships, so they’re not emotionally and/or legally and mentally over their ex, is that there’s a subconscious safety net. You don’t have to be as vulnerable as you would if they were genuinely free to pursue an out in the open, available relationship. It can’t ‘fail fail’ like you think an available relationship without restrictions can. This is a good time to ask yourself whether there is a part of you that’s afraid of truly putting you out there for fear that you will love and lose again?

The man who doesn’t tell his separated wife that he’s dating because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” will not tell the woman he is dating the truth when it’s needed because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” either.

The relationship was nine months and he pulled away for the last few months, suggesting that at least half of this relatively new relationship was in crisis–a code red alert. Factor in the honeymoon period where you don’t know each other yet and it appears that once normality kicked in and he had to show up and even follow through on promises, he passive aggressively edged his way out. He’s not out of contract and my spidey senses say that this is a guy who periodically gets his pants in a bunch, suddenly doesn’t feel like being married or committed, plays outside on the other green fields, and then goes back to wifey who has taken up the married Fallback Girl option of standing by her man and waiting for his tantrum to blow over. He’s not separated because he’s in the process of getting divorced; he’s having time out.

Courage is not your ex’s strong suit and he told you various stories as a subconscious means of dropping hints. He started something he could not finish. The fact that he kept insisting that he wouldn’t hurt you, aside from that being a promise that no one can make, it also suggests that you knew on some level that he was all shirt and no trousers and kept trying to get reassurance.

Here’s the thing: You already know everything–you just don’t like what you know and so you keep rejecting it, exchanging the truth for a set of untruths. What would him telling you what you already know do? What would you telling him do? You were there too. You have the truth right now it’s just that you are viewing it with the wrong perspective, stopping you from forming the conclusion that would stop your torture.

You’ve been involved with a Mr Unavailable who even if he claims it was not what he intended, used you as a form of escape from dealing with his inner problems and whatever is going on his marriage. Yes of course you are a grownup who has made choices but make no mistake: he has preyed on your vulnerability, your fear of being alone, and yes, your naivety. You were married for forty years–How are you supposed to have the experience to pick up on this man’s bullsh-t straight out the gate?

Accept what you know right now, wholly and fully. Stop trying to understand it or the situation to the nth degree. Yes, it is a loss that you have experienced (disappointment) but if you grieve it instead of beating you up, you will start to feel so much better. A great way of getting to the truth and healing from loss is writing Unsent Letters.

The panic attacks will subside when instead of rendering you helpless by trying to control the uncontrollable, you start taking care of you including taking responsibility for you. You don’t need to wait for a man to 1) be taken care of and 2) to have a good life. This would be a good time to attend grief counselling, to see your GP about the anxiety attacks, and to also look at social activities that you can partake in that will help you to not only meet and get to know people but to get to know you too. Let your loved ones in on your struggles. You will be OK. You’re never too old to love and you’re never too old to trust again. I know that life isn’t how you thought it would be but your husband no longer being here doesn’t mean his love is gone. Know also that when you love again, they’ve got to be someone that adds to your already good life, not your salvation. Don’t build a wall, build a better life for you with boundaries and self-care.

Your thoughts?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email natalie AT baggagereclaim.com with ‘Advice Wednesday’ in the subject line. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. If you want detailed one-to-one support, please use my consultation service.

Podcast Ep.13: Avoiding Being an Emotional Airbag, How Long Does It Take To Get Over a Breakup?

November 28, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

I’m back after spending an amazing few days out in San Francisco (my first trip to the West Coast) after being flown out by a reader to spend a couple of days coaching her through some issues. While I was there, another reader hosted a meetup where I got to meet readers who came from as far as three-and-a-half hours away. I ate, I laughed until my sides hurt, and I even got a bit misty-eyed in parts. This is exactly the type of fun collaboration that I want to get up to in Baggage Reclaim’s tenth year and I look forward to doing more.

Right, here’s what I cover in episode 13:

Don’t be an emotional airbag : What does being one involve, why are we motivated to do it and why it’s a very bad idea. Read more on ‘Buffers’ plus they’re the subject of an entire chapter in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?: I explain some of the key factors that influence how long it’s going to take including previous losses and whether you’ve grieved them and whether you overcompensated for the other party during the relationship.

Taking recurring themes from your challenges and making them into your personal mantra for success: Looking back over the past year or so, I noticed the same theme regardless of who or what I was dealing with and now it’s become one of my mantras for the next year and beyond so that I can keep shifting gears.

Listener Question – What do you do when there’s one part of your value system that you cannot compromise on? This week’s listener is in a relationship where they differ on a core value in a big way.

What Nat Learned This Week: I spent a few days in San Francisco and came back with an increased sense of gratitude for the BR community.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Buffers: When You’re The One That They Turn To When They’re Unhappy With Their Current Relationship

October 9, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

We are creatures of habit and have to pay close attention to where there are running themes in our lives because it points to where we are not only repeating a pattern of thinking and behaviour but that we’re doing so because we’re getting something out of it.

A recurring theme that some Fallback Girls/Guys experience in unavailable relationships is being the person who lends a willing ear, a shoulder to lean on, and even a bed to lie in for people who are having doubts about their current relationship, who want to have a bitch and a gripe about their partners, and who essentially want to avoid their problems by enjoying the attentions of an interested but nonetheless inappropriate party. It may be that you have the label of ‘friend’ but tend to be disruptive in this person’s relationships, believing that you have the right to do so because you’re friends and that anybody who doesn’t understand this and hold back comment about it mustn’t be right for this person. You may feel quite territorial about the friendship and struggle to step back. You’ll let them know that you’ll be there when not if something goes wrong.

It’s very possible that you’re either an ex or that at one point you expressed interest or even slept together but then for whatever reason something didn’t happen and you’ve instead ensured that you’re a fixture in their life and can keep an eye on what’s going on. While you might be open about this, it’s very possible that you have buried your feelings and so are not even aware of how your (and their) behaviour plays out. It’s also very possible that you keep in touch with this person behind their partner’s back. Note: If it’s a secret, it’s inappropriate.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re a Buffer – someone who takes up an emotional airbag role with a view that once you’ve shown how indispensable and supportive you are, they will get over their ex and choose you. Buffer means rebound relationship territory. You have The Replacement Mentality so you tend to see your way into involvements as you effectively replacing somebody who couldn’t do their ‘job’ properly.

When someone wants you to devalue yourself in a relationship based on their previous experiences with somebody else

January 22, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

When I worked in advertising, I’d have to deal with clients who wanted a price reduction based on previous experience with advertising with another company or publication. If you work in sales or run your own business, this scenario is very common and one of three things is likely to happen:

You’re going to walk away.
You’re going to basically end up counselling and coaching them over their previous experience in order to convince them into buying your service or product.
You’re going to devalue your own product/service to compensate for their previous experience.

Sound familiar? Well it will do if you’ve been the Fallback Girl (or Guy) who has spent their time trying to convince and convert someone who is reluctant to try dating, to try a relationship, to commit etc., because of their previous experiences.

You’ll be particularly familiar with this if you’re a Buffer in a rebound relationship, effectively acting as an emotional airbag that helps their partner to make the transition from a previous relationship that they’re not emotionally (and possibly legally) detached from. If you’re playing Florence Nightingale and trying to fix/heal/help so that they can be fit for relationship purpose, then you’re also feeling the effects of a ‘price reduction’ based on previous experience with somebody else.

These situations are tough because we’re empathetic and sympathetic enough to recognise some of what that person may be going through. If they’re very forthcoming about the experience (and likely revealing their anger, hurt, sadness, disillusionment etc in the process), we may feel particularly sympathetic and understanding to the point where we may decide to park our own needs, expectations, feelings etc, so that we can give this person a chance to get their wings. We’ll show them how great we are and how they don’t need to worry and how we’re basically an entirely different person and situation, and yet we end up feeling devalued and possibly like an armchair psychologist.

The Replacement Mentality: But WHY did they go back to their toxic ex when they could have had me?

November 25, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Sometimes we spend a little too much time wondering why someone who we gave so much of ourselves to, would return to somebody who mistreated them and gave so little in comparison and we forget to empathise, in spite of the fact that if we did, it would actually provide the true answers about why they left. We remember their hurt, we remember the stories, we recall all that we did to show them another way and really, if it comes down to making a straight choice between which side their bread is buttered on, there’s no way in hell that they should leave us for pain, so of course when it appears that they’ve left us to go to pain, we wonder what the hell was wrong with us.

The thing is, when we get into the whole comparison thing in general, it’s a confidence depressor anyway where we judge ourselves as inadequate against our own imagination, assumptions and generalisations, and maybe what we believe is the information that we know. When we compare ourselves to our ex’s toxic ex when we have been The Great Girlfriend / Boyfriend, we’re so busy viewing things through the What’s Wrong With Me? / After Everything I Did Filters that we actually fail to see that person and reality.

Think about abusive relationships and how many people leave and yet despite knowing that that person and the relationship is toxic, they go back or cave when they hear from that person. They’ll even go against their own restraining order. They’re still hoping that this time things will be different and that they can change the person. They might latch onto an occasion such as a birthday, Valentine’s, or Christmas, convincing themselves the ‘magic’ of these will slot everything into place, only to wind up disappointed.

Do you have a Replacement Mentality?

November 18, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Many people struggle with the notion of being replaceable. We like to feel that we can’t be substituted with ease. That we mattered enough that someone else won’t be able to seemingly take over where we left off. We recognise that, OK, our ex is going to move on if we’re no longer together. That’s a given. But we want them to do it in a way that doesn’t disrespect the relationship we shared with them. When we discover, for example, that our ex moved on before the end of the relationship (known as overlapping), or that they had someone else in their mind and/or bed within hours or days of us leaving, it burns. We feel replaceable instead of realising that the person is clearly avoidant.

People who base their value on how replaceable they feel also live in fear of it. They expend most of their efforts while dating and in relationships on trying to be the replacement for others.

It’s a Replacement Mentality. When we look at who we spend our relationships with and what we’re trying to do, it’s about taking the place of someone or something.

Choose me over him/her or your problems.

Replace him/her or your codependent behaviour with me.

We make our lives about competing. We become too embroiled in what others are being and doing and where we can offer a competitive advantage. As soon as we do this, we’re not truly respecting ourselves or others.

Of course, because we’re so caught up in ‘replacing’, we’re not ourselves. Knowing our worth and are living our values, boundaries, and basically being ourselves isn’t our priority. We get too caught up in looking at others and using that to influence where we think we need to adapt to be more pleasing. We look and listen for clues as to what will make them keep this replacement (us) and not look elsewhere. If they mention that they didn’t like something last time, the editing begins. We start scratching things off our personality and character to stay in play — bye bye boundaries, values and sense of self.

We want to know that we’re “better than” someone or “as enough”.

If we’re there and their ex isn’t, we wonder why they would want to go back or keep pining for that person when we’re right there trying to be the replacement. It’s what fuels many an affair. We want the person we’re involved with to remove the other party from their role because obviously, something is “wrong” with that person. Note: this may very well not be the case at all and blames the other party for the cheater’s actions. We regard us as the better option, and we want to be the replacement. We want their current partner’s role even though if we get it, we might desperately want to give it back when we realise the reality of our involvement!

When we allow someone to default to or fall back on us like a rainy day option that they keep in their back pocket, we are, again, looking to be a replacement. We think, ‘I’ll be your Fallback Girl / Guy. I’ll jump into the role when you click your fingers or turn up the heat on things.’

We see this person as having a role, and in our minds, we occupied and did that role best. They just didn’t know it and appreciate it. We keep ourselves available so that we can be the replacement and basically occupy the role we were in before…. even if when we think about it, that role detracted from us because we barely had two self-esteem beans to rub together. We ignore the fact that when we’re around them, we live in fear of being replaced at any moment.

When we don’t show up as an equal who is deserving of love, care, trust, and respect and who gets to choose what they do and don’t want to be involved in, we carry on as if we’re in the X-Factor or Dating Idol. We have a Choose Me mentality. We want the role of The Next Big Thing.

There’s a lot of problems when we treat our relationships like this. Aside from automatically putting the person on a pedestal and giving them far too much power, we’re carrying on as if this person who just isn’t that special, has a vacancy of “Good enough person who will provoke me into making them the exception to my rule and closing that vacancy for good. Must be willing to run over hot coals and jump through hoops for crumbs”.

By waiting to be chosen, we’re treating potential prospects as if they have a blanket role to fill and we just have to be whatever they want us to be to fill it.

When we have a replacement mentality, we keep making the mistake of assuming that if someone is out of a role, then it’s because they’re not “good enough”. It’s the flawed and painful assumption that we have the opportunity to replace them. But conversely, when things don’t work out for us, we then assume that it’s because we’re not good enough either and that we’re being replaced by someone who is “better” than us. And round and round we go, lather, rinse, repeat.

It’s not a job vacancy! It’s a mutual relationship!

This is why it’s crucial to decide who we are and get on with this first and foremost. We mustn’t move through this world as if we have no agency. Like everyone else gets to impose their wishes upon us.

We’ve got to show up as somebody who is getting to know their worth (or knows it). It’s showing up to go through the discovery phase and mutually unfold, not to audition for a role and perform.

We’ve got to stop slipping into desperation and trying to slot into people’s lives as if we’re a person who just goes with whatever flows their way. We matter. Not more or less than anyone else; as much as everyone else.

Trying to be a replacement gets us into filling roles gets us into pretending. Who has that kind of time?

Also, we must be careful of the replacement double standard. If we don’t like feeling as if we’re replaceable, we have no business deriving our value from trying to matter more or as much as the last person. That goes for competing with harem, too. We will lose our integrity in the pursuit and gradually forget and lose our true selves. We end up realising that we’ve become something that we don’t recognise or like because we’ve replaced ourselves due to not valuing us enough.

They don’t own us, and we don’t own them.

What has their previous or next relationship got to do with it (got to do with it)?

We’ll be a second-rate them, and their ex or future partner(s) will be a second-rate us. We’re so busy trying to fill roles that hurt us that we forget that by being a replacement, we’re basically trying to give someone the same relationship in a different or slightly enhanced package, even if that relationship isn’t right for us or them.

Your thoughts?

‘Time’ isn’t the only factor when considering dating a separated or recently divorced person

October 14, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I get so many emails asking me about whether to date someone who is separated, recently divorced, or even fresh out of a breakup that I wanted to tackle this tricky subject. We’re often scared (even if nothing has actually happened yet with a particular person) that we may be letting our last chance or even best chance saloon slip away. We may be imagining all sorts of problems that may or may not exist or we’re rationalising our own boundaries, values, and even prior experiences of being in one of these situations (so knowing that we may struggle with the emotional consequences) and are thinking along the lines of, ‘Well… I’m of a certain age so I need to prepare myself for turning a blind eye to any code amber / red actions and indications because people in this age group tend to be recently broken up / separated / divorced‘. OK….

There’s no easy answer to the question of what the ‘right time’ is for dating a separated or recently divorced person. What you have to keep in mind is that separated is still married until the divorce is finalised and that means that there’s likely to be emotional as well as legal ties.

It would be handy if we could avoid the vulnerability that comes with doing the due diligence and taking appropriate action where needed. What we forget is that even if a person hasn’t just exited a relationship, aside from knowing our own boundaries (which can rule out certain things that we’ve already made a decision on in advance of), we cannot get all of the answers upfront or have someone tell us what ‘the ending’ will be.

Each situation is different but what you can say with a high degree of certainty is that someone who’s just fallen out of their marriage, who’s still in reconciliation negotiations, who’s still very influenced by their spouse, and who has been separated for a long time ‘just because’, is going to bring pain into your life. Same goes for someone who’s not over their divorce and has beliefs that affect their ability to be committed.

I personally know people who have gotten together while one party was separated, and in one case the wife refused to sign so they had to wait for it to lapse and got married as soon as it did a few years later, and in the other instances where it worked out, there was no faffing about with the divorce, Future Faking etc. In the situations where it didn’t work, the separated party overestimated their readiness and actually, part of the reason they dated had been to avoid their feelings about the demise of their marriage.

Avoid falling into the trap of not seeing the wood for the trees: There are people left brokenhearted due to being involved with partners who were still affected by a breakup or divorce that happened anything from months to decades before.

We can take the period of time since the breakup into account but we also need to note whether actions matching words are amounting to somebody who is available for a mutual, consistent, balanced (no pedestals / controlling), progressing relationship that can blossom into increasing intimacy and commitment. That’s what we need to look for. It’s very easy to look at a person’s age, background, what they earn, their relationship history, their appearance, their divorce, and whatever else we’re focusing on, and rule them in or out on this basis, but in the end, regardless of any of these things, we still have to assess our own boundaries and do the due diligence.

It’s not about judging a person for being separated or divorced – it’s about judging the overall situation and working out whether it fits with who we are and where we’re headed.

The experience over time that we spend with a person means that we get to see if actions and words match and whether what we thought or they suggested was on the cards is actually happening. Yes it’s a ‘risk’ but it’s little more risk than in any other dating situation. That said, keep in mind the following:

1. Don’t assume that because you’re being pursued or that there’s certain future talk that it ‘must’ mean that they’re over their ex and ready for a relationship.

2. Definitely don’t assume that because they’re separated or divorced that have a PhD in commitment or that you’ll get the same. All it means is that they’ve been married. And that it ended.

3. If you typically struggle with the uncertainty that comes with being with somebody who still has their previous relationship to resolve, or you know based on experience that you’ve had your fingers burned by being involved with separated or recently broken up people, don’t go there. A person cannot promise not to hurt you or that their marriage breaking up isn’t going to affect you hence if the possibility of either of these happening sends fear ripping through you, know your own boundaries instead of playing the breakup slot machine again.

4. ‘Recent’ is of course subjective but it’s safe to say that if you become involved with someone who is weeks or even days out of their prior relationship, you’re gonna get some blowback. You remember what it’s like in those first few days, weeks and even months depending on how long the relationship went on for – you may still have been in touch, arguing, negotiating, or even hooking up. Is this what you want to be in the middle of? You can of course chance your arm but then you have to back away when it becomes clear that the ex files haven’t been closed.

5. If you’ve already determined your boundary on this issue, don’t bust it, live it. I know of quite a few people who were told to wait and come back when they’d had some more time/got divorced. Now of course, a person who is avoiding their feelings will just find someone else to avoid them with but somebody who is genuinely interested in you and wants to start off on a good footing won’t mind respecting your wishes – at least they’ll know that they’re pursuing something with you because it’s you they want to be with as opposed to seeking a distraction that’s going to backfire when they realise that they’re unavailable.

6. Don’t project. Most people go through a breakup or few, and it’s not a ‘flaw’ to be separated or divorced hence there’s no reason to go ‘Oooh, they’re separated and I’m a hot mess hence we should be good together’ or ‘They’re divorced and I’m not good enough anyway so who am I to talk?’ Some relationships and marriages don’t work out. Of course some people are separated or even divorced numerous times due to shady behaviour or due to a tad too much Fast Forwarding but that’s stuff you’ll find out through due diligence, possibly quite quickly if you have your feet on the ground and are listening and watching. Judge who they are on the merit of who they are. I know of somebody who is getting married for the fifth time and is doing their best to hide it from their family including their own children – yeah, clearly they haven’t grown or learned a damn thing from their previous marriages.

7. Don’t enter into an involvement with your emotional airbag inflated. If your interest tends to get piqued by being a ‘buffer’ to someone who is transitioning, it would be more beneficial to evaluate why this is attractive to you. You camouflaging their issues is only causing you to blend into the background of your own life. If you’ve typically been a Fallback option, it’s best to steer clear of these situations unless you’re absolutely certain that whatever contributed to your previous habits has now changed.

In the end, it’s about growth because a person can have gone through a number of dubious relationship experiences and then gone through a period of personal growth and their current and future behaviour reflects their healthier habits of thinking and behaviour. These will be self-evident – you won’t need to pull out your magnifying glass, start making things up or coming up with rationalisations.

Your thoughts?