Odds are that if somebody came to you and said, “I like you. You seem like a good, kind, loving, accommodating person so I have a proposition for you: I’m wounded because I’m fresh out of a relationship. Thing is, I don’t really want to think about that relationship or my feelings about him/her, or what went wrong or what I can potentially learn from this experience. I know I’m not ready for a relationship and I don’t really have a great deal to offer, but one day I might do. I have an ex so, you know, be hopeful that I might extend a relationship to you one day. I could theoretically be woeful at relationships, but because you know that I have an ex, I want you to assume that I have a good line of relationship credit that I might spend on you one day. Give it enough time and I could transfer my time, energies and emotions to you. So…, what I want you to do is be in a rebound relationship with me. I want you to help me transition from being hurt /angry /frustrated /disillusioned /depressed /ambivalent or whatever I am post-breakup, to being relationship-ready…for someone else”–you would tell them to jog on.
But if you’ve been involved in a rebound relationship, then you’re all too familiar with how you accepted some variation of this rather painful proposition. Invariably, you invest yourself into this setup and aside from feeling short-changed by your role of being The Buffer who acts as an emotional airbag, often wind up providing safe passage to their next relationship. In some cases, they go back to their ex.
When you enter into a rebound relationship, you end up being a bridge between old and new. Instead of them having to stand on their own two feet, they stand on you.
Rebounding invites delay and pain into your life. You get to busy yourself in a problem that wasn’t created by you but you also avoid making a decision about what you want. You don’t have to commit but instead it looks like you want to, it’s just the matter of this pesky partner who is still unavailable and resisting commitment despite you being there for him/her.
You feel as if you ‘failed’ at replacing someone when that’s not your job and now someone else is replacing you–The Replacement Mentality.
You’re not the bridge that someone uses to cross from one relationship to another.
If you allow you to be placed into that role, you will, even if they or you claim that it’s not what was intended, be walked all over. Don’t accept that for yourself. If being a priority; if being loved, cared for, trusted and respected in a relationship that has direction in it, is something that you truly want, don’t accept a relationship with somebody whose heart and mind is elsewhere. Don’t shelter them from having to show up in the relationship. You deserve someone who is free and clear to be with you, not someone who’s entering your relationship with a road block ready to halt your journey. It’s ok for someone to have baggage but it’s not OK for them to use that to block progress, intimacy and basically availability.
Your thoughts?
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That is very interesting. That is exactly what I have tried to do. Using someone to cope with a divorce. I have been all my life fearing abandonment, and I thought my husband of 15 years would never let me down. I am 42, 2 daughters of 7 and 8. He left me, saying he could not reassure me, that my insecurity was like a burden for him. That he was not the supporting kind of man. I was devastated and, well, I have always been an overlaping dater (before I got married) and I offered a friendly coffee to a guy I met at a social event. I am not scared of being rejected, I have been so many times. I am used to it. Each time I was rejected, my solution was to ask someone else until someone says yes. Which always happened. I was younger, bolder, with more hope and energy. Well, one week later, the guy called me and we had an afternoon tea (he knew before the date that I was married but he did not know about the divorce). I just wanted to have a chat and a thrill, just feel seen and wanted. I did not say I was divorcing, just said I was married. I did not want him to think I was available. I think I was still hoping my husband would change his mind and I felt still commited to him. It went well, even if he was nervous, it was nice. Not flirty, it was easy. The guy offered to catch up again. I agreed and said I was divorcing. I never heard back for 3 weeks. I sent him an email, saying I was doing well and offering a theatre. He replied he would love to see me but he has just started dating someone and he would feel conflicted meeting up. But he said “let’s keep in touch”…I haven’t seen him as a date, more as a bridge. But still, being rejected by a bridge is still rejection and I don’t need that now. Your blog is very enlightening, it helps seeing things from different perspective. I would have used him and he might have seen that coming. Or he might have felt he could not use me… I wish you could offer few sessions face to face. Keep up the good work please.
Lili you are one brave lady for admitting all that. Your self honesty is refreshing. I wish you much happiness. X
I recently ended a relationship with a man who finally admitted he did not know what he wanted because of a number of legitimate issues in his life including a bounce back after a serious health issue. He used his “recovery” ( it was an actual recovery not a rehab type thing ) multiple times as an excuse not to make plans or change them. I thought well shit old people get married in the nursing home and they really might die tomorrow so why can’t he plan something next weekend. He was not happy when I told him that I had relationship needs, as long as we talked about and focused on his needs everything was great. But it just drained me, so I bailed.
I also told him I could not be friends which incensed him, he claimed to be hurt and sad, and tried to advocate for a “friendship”. A week later an acquaintance I know happened to be joking about trying Tinder and guess who popped up. She recognized him from a picture on my phone I showed her of us. It really solidified for me that my decision not to accept the crumbs of a casual relationship or an ill defined friendship was absolutely correct. Besides the rebound relationship, we have to avoid being “the healer” because it is really the same as the rebound just different because the person is reacting to an event rather than a specific person or relationship.
i recently ended a long term toxic relationship that was fraught
with problems from the beginning 28 years ago! we were on again off again so many times it would make your head spin!
i put up with the madness, incompatibility and his total lack of commitment toward me! we lived together for the first few years which was disastrous. he’d be up all night and sleep all day in my home! so i had him move out when he screwed up a job i got him. he took off the first day on the job and i’d had enough so i kicked him out! that was the smart thing i did. but the dumb thing i did was to have him back in my life!
we haven’t lived together in years but we live near one another. when he went home after visiting me for a few weeks i’d rarely hear from him although he lives close by! i started nicknaming him the invisible boyfriend! when he went home i was relieved he was gone because it was less stressful and i could refocus my energy on taking care of myself but at the same time i was hurt because it felt like he was never really here!
it felt surreal and hurtful. he would shut everyone out when he went home because he has ocd/depression that he wouldn’t follow his doctor’s advice to go on medication so his
lack of commitment toward me is partly from his ocd not being treated properly and from his own immaturity and lack of being there for me. i had to be the strong one most of the time in our relationship! it was exhausting. yet i did; he didn’t force me to caregive for him or to be his built in social worker or life coach
or personal consultant!
i’d been married and he had never even dated when we started going out together once i was single again. we met in college
and i imagined him to be something he wasn’t! i always had a crush on him when we were in college but i really only knew him casually in college. i knew his mom and i met his brother but i had no idea how violent and toxic his family history was.
i also come from a chaotic dangerous backround with the many dangerous chaotic marriages my mom had while she advanced in her career so i come by being attracted to men who are not there for me!
i am seeing a counsellor who’s helping me examine the end of this relationship and the correlation between my father abandoning my young mother and me and why i’d pursue unavailable hurtful men!
i’ve been practicing the no contact rule although i’ve seen him at some of the places we mutually go like the same bank……which i can’t avoid because my mortgage is tied up at that bank……..but it isn’t a problem because he doesn’t phone me, he doesn’t chase after me and we dont’ have keys to eachothers homes so those things are luckily not issues when we have broken up……i have to be honest and take part of the responsibility for the insanity of this toxic relationship continuing because i’d fear being alone and i’d pursue him or apologize to him after an arguement. he didn’t pursue me when he’d shut me out of his life when he went home after being here for a visit. he grew up seeing his parents toxic marriage and my mom had many toxic marriages so we went together like toxic salt and pepper and i’m glad the madness is finally over.
i have no desire to see him or to fix the unfixable and i haven’t chased after him or panicked for years when he goes home nowadays so i feel i’m over the hump now.
i know after discovering baggage reclaim how common and self destructive these toxic relationships are and that many smart woman pursue a relationship that doesn’t fufill thier needs yet they want to fix the unfixable …….i don’t judge other women because i’ve been thru it myself and we all need to support and understand one another to truly learn to grow stronger and see the warning signs and make ourselves a priority once and for all instead of putting all our energies into some damaged soul……sound familiar?…..thank god for natalie! she is a godsend and very honest about her baggae and her personal growth! i’m grateful i found this site and for her honesty and insight into her sharing her painful unfufilling relationships in the past!……i wish all of you healthy fufilling lives as you put yourselves first before worrying about making a guy whole
when you need to fix the whole in your heart or the missing piece of your own life! good luck and good health!
i don’t think i’m going to date for at least 6 months. i’m exhausted from this mad sad relationship! and i’m not interested in dealing with a man right now. i dont’ want to fall into another trap of carrying for wounded birds!..maybe someday i’ll find a strong eagle who can fly on thier own as i’ve learned to do so i won’t be trying to rescue anymore no wounded birds!
I could be the you in this story and like you, I’m so grateful for Natalie’s supportive and encouraging wisdom. Thank you for sharing your story. It does help to know you’re not the only one! Have a happy future! X
I wish you luck on your journey Jody. Do take time off relationships, do find things you enjoy and you are good at, do try to serve people around you and bring them joy first. Only one thing jumped at me from your letter. Your “eagle”. Be careful of what shape your eagle might come in. A self-possessed man, in control, confident and charming, may look like an eagle but might be another toxic trap. Good things mostly come in very humble packaging. If you find yourself feeling in awe of someone, keep walking. He’s not the one.
Well you would think after I dated a man who was going through a divorce and all of the feeling like I was arm chair phycologist, in a relationship triangle with the soon to be ex wife, his depression, my suspicions he wanted her back (she filed for him cheating – ummm hello can I be next!!?) etc. etc. hoping if I hung in there long enough I would get the “prize” of his whole heart… uh yeah so…. then I finally break it off with him after a year of this only 6 months later to get with a man that has been divorced for 3 months…. many of the same parts occurred. I have vowed to myself they have to be TWO years (at least) clear without red flags of their divorce or long term relationship. Yikes it is absolutely horrible going through that and what you feel about where you fall on their list and thinking if you hang in there suddenly he will become available wholly and fully to you because you got him through this horrible time in his life… um nope… doesn’t work that way!!!
This is perfectly timed for me. Having been separated from my husband for 18 months and during my marriage both of us having affairs, his which lasted and mine which did not. I have never felt the need to look for or seek out anyone new. I am taking the time to get to know myself and enjoy the good friends that I have around me and the new freedom I now have.
However, over the last 6 months or so I have been receiving the odd message from someone I actually met whilst looking for someone to come and do my garden for me. He is about 8 years younger than me and from the start very flirty, I will admit to enjoying the attention, it was always lazy communication, texting, facebook messaging.
Having looked into his situation a bit over the last month or so I realised that he was in a relationship (not married) and I left it at that. He contacted me again a few weeks or so ago out of the blue and I found out that he has recently become single again. He messaged me last weekend and eventually after flirty text after flirty text (from him) he asked me out for a drink with him and I agreed, I actually should have been meeting him this evening (first date I have had in years). As soon as I agreed to meet him he was bombarded me with texts asking me if I miss him, what I like about him, that he is daydreaming about me, really over the top cringey stuff, I wonder which school of dating some of these men went to and really what sort of woman would really enjoy this attention from someone they barely know and before they have been on a date. Its like they are testing the water to see if they can get a shag on the first night.
I realised over the weekend how much I have learnt over the last few years of reading BR, I saw at least 3 red flags before I had even met him. Attention seeking, wanting an ego boost, trying to replace the girlfriend quickly. Anyway I backed off and stopped replying to his messages and after a few messages asking me why I had gone “shy” he has now gone quiet and disappeared. I am relieved to say the least and grateful for the knowledge that I have learnt from my past experiences.
I know without any doubt at all that getting involved with anyone married, just divorced, just separated, just split up is the rocky road to years of picking the pieces of yourself up again. I know that even now I am not ready to date again, I am not sure whether I ever will be. I know that I am happier when I have no man in my life to analyse and worry about.
It has taken me nearly 3 years to get over the affair that I had, trying to forgive myself and wondering why I ever did it and what I actually got out of it. He is like a stranger to me now.
There really must be some decent men out there, I just wonder if I will ever find one. The trouble is now i have to go find myself another gardener :).
Good for you!!
I think finding another gardener will be a hell of a lot easier! 😉
This is nice to read. The lessons we learn here at BR help us move forward. We recognize the crumbs when they are thrown at us and they just don’t excite us anymore.
Chances are this guy and his current girl were “on a break”….and after he got his shag he would disappear for a while…then hit you up with lazy texts after a few weeks. He was very excited about grooming you to be his older woman experience. Funny how he disappeared when you stopped playing lazy text roulette. He had no “real” conversation to offer. He wanted fantasy play land.
I dated a man about 2 years ago that was unsettling from the start. I always had an uneasy feelingin the pit of my stomach about him but I proceeded. I hadnt been in a relationship for 7 years after my last long term relationship so i was excited and scared at the same time. As it turns out when i first started dating this man he was married (Im usually good at picking up on those things) but I had no idea. This is a guy who would talk to me on the phone at midnight from his house…come to find out he and his wife at the time led seperate lives. Also come to find out after doing the autopsy and time frames I first slept with him 4 days before his wife died in the hospital…so I was definitely a rebound! He was charming, swept me off my feet took me to DR for my birthday, nice dinners and restaurants, cooked for me bought me gifts. But, still always felt uneasy and I turned into this crazy woman with jealousy and insecurity that would come out of nowhere! Needless to say, after about a year he broke it off and had a new girlfriend…(which he was probable seeing while he was seeing me, thats his M.O. and my karma!! Anyway, we continued to see each other sexually for the next year so now I had turned into the other woman, total downgrade. I finally broke it off by going no contact cold turkey and it was the hardest thing to do but I have to say its nice not to have a knot in the pit of your stomach on a daily basis! I used to feel jealous of her but I realize that she didnt get a prize and I got my life back and slowly my dignity and self esteem are growing again. I guess I was the bridge for this widower/ womanizing player.
Phonix
OMG, they come in all sorts of packages, widow/ womanizer….sleeping with you while his wife was dying in the hospital…unbelievable!
Perfect timing. I was just considering auditioning for the role of the temporary bridge patch. Fortunately, I noticed the drinking problem before I jumped into the waters of doom.
Haha youre funny!
I was someone’s rebound but I didn’t know it until it was too late and I fell for him. He left once he told me the truth and one year later I am still hoping he will get in touch when he is “ready,” believing some part of the connectiong must have been true and it was just a timing issue.
Everyday this doesn’t happen, and I come to realise he just needed someone with a pulse to fill the girlfriend shape hole in his life, it breaks my heart all over again.
Rebounding is a very cruel way to make yourself feel better while dragging someone else down into the mud.
That’s why it is important to take responsibility and do what Natalie is teaching us: recognise the s..t!!!
Fantastic post. Thank you for writing such a clear description of why dating someone who is very recently out of a relationship is a bad idea.
..I would just like to add that this article is about entering a rebound relationship. I wonder if there could be an article about dealing with discovering you are in a rebound too late?
This happened to me too and I should have known better. She mentioned the previous guy who cheated on her far too often and freaked out far too easily over little nothings. I thought if I just hung in there and showed her that I was a good guy and stayed committed to her that she would come around and I would win her heart. After telling me so many things that gave me hope for a bright future with her, she did a sudden 180 and dumped me. She went from an enthusiastic and ardent lover to totally withdrawn in a matter of days. It was mind boggling. I couldn’t fathom how someone could do that. Not sure if it was a rebound thing or a commitment-phobe thing but it sure was one helluva thing. Watch out for troubled people in the dating pool. There are so many and it seems to be contagious. I might have done it to the next girl and I’m not even sure myself if she was a bridge or I just wasn’t that interested.
Then again, isn’t everybody a bridge until the final relationship?
hi scott!
sorry to hear about your experience. just wanted to comment on the “everyone is a bridge until the final relationship”. i have a lifetime of unhealthy relationships behind me and while each relationship brought me closer to my current understanding, the same level of growth or even more, could have been achieved, and in a shorter time if i had had healthy relationships instead. in a healthy relationship people walk beside and not ON you, exchange lessons and you reach a crossroad where your future direction and theirs don’t match anymore and you go separate directions. this is painful, to be sure, but so much different from having someone walk ON you and then burn the bridge (you) behind them with betrayal and lack of care, trust and love, leaving you dazed and confused as to what happened. you still get the lessons i guess being but through corporal punishment like they used to do in schools in the 80s. guess interpretation of the word bridge is semantic but in this case think it is not in the good sense! and besides, your “final relationship” is not the real destination anything is “leading” you to. your relationships are just PART of a bigger journey whose “destination”is of your most full love and understanding of yourself and the different places your self and your love will reflect in all of this universe( not to get too woohoo on you) .
sorry for the caps , can’t do italics on my phone. not yelling 🙂
Kookie, you have summed this up so concisely, ‘having someone walk ON you and then burn the bridge (you) and then burn the bridge (you) behind them with betrayal and lack of care, trust and love, leaving you dazed and confused as to what happened’. This is exactly what happened to me just 5 weeks ago, and my charming ex decided to do all of this, i.e. tell me he had met someone else, on what should have been our first anniversary, at the place where we first met. I don;t think I will EVER get over this, as to me this is not the behavior of the person I thought I knew, it is cold, cruel. bordering on psychopathic. I am at turns utterly heartbroken and fucking furious. I never got the chance to tell him how I felt, and now I just want to fuck his life up, his new gf;s (who I now suspect was in the picture before we officially split) and the ever-present ex-wifes. Don;t know how to direct my fury, but I have to.
This post hits the nail square on the head. Over a year after having become a widow, I started to date. First was a good friend who helped me “get my sexy back”. We remain friends. Next there was a short dating experience that didn’t last, but again, we get together every now and then for lunch. Then there was the retired military man, six years younger, handsome, charming…but just divorced from a 20 year marriage. As the post suggests, I gave him “relationship credits”, as I had been married for 30 years and thought a 20 year relationship was a good sign. Although my gut told me that I was going to be a “transition person”, I proceeded as I was in need of someone to charm me, be a companion, etc. Eventually, he gave the “I’m not ready for a relationship” speech, but naively, I thought I could bring him around. It was when I made it clear that I wanted more of a commitment…consistency, progression, time, etc….that he started to back off. I even told him I understood that he needed to date some before settling, but that I wanted something different. Fast forward two years after breakup…he has been married for six months to the woman he moved on to after me. She is 13 years younger than he is (18 years younger than me), of a different culture, not well educated (he has a Master’s degree), no steady income (he makes excellent money)…need I go on. I have said in earlier posts, while it hurt for a while, clearly he decided that he was not looking for someone like me…a more mature, successful, independent and well-educated woman. He decided that he needed someone who is more dependent on him, who he can control with his money and status. Good for him. It would never have worked for us long-term. However, never again will I be the transition woman, nor try to nurse a man back to good emotional health and confidence. Thank you, Natalie, for putting this in the proper perspective.
So much yes, Nathalie! I’m married now to a great, emotionally available guy, but I still love reading your posts. In fact, a rebound relationship was what brought me your way in the first place. I had incredibly low self esteem and I had a crush on a guy at my work. His wife betrayed him unexpectedly and he found himself suddenly single. Without thinking, I found myself Florence Nightengaling to save his poor little wounded heart, and soon enough I became the bridge between him and recovery from his pain. Looking back, I think about how pathetic I was, hanging on for dear life to be that bridge, while he waffled and wavered with every step. He’d swear he was committed to me, but then keep a bit of distance between us, never quite wanting to move forward into something that felt safe and secure. I didn’t want to see it for what it was, and, in the end, it took him meeting other women on a camping trip for him to realize that he didn’t want to be in a relationship any longer. I was devastated and thought it was because I wasn’t thin enough or pretty enough, or because I wasn’t really his “type”. “Mr. Unavailable And The Fallback Girl” helped me to realize that he was never available in the first place. It had all been smoke and mirrors so that he could use me as a safety blanket while he worked out his issues. Over the years I learned that relationships really are give and take, and that, if something doesn’t feel right, it’s a red flag. It took quite a few “frogs” to get that message across before I found my Prince, but I will say that being the rebound girl was probably the most painful situation that I was in, and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Avoid newly separated dudes at all costs!
MzSChan
Thank you for sharing a success story, we read so few of those here. I would like to know what do you attribute to finding your prince? Did you have to make some changes in yourself, or would you say you were just lucky? I’m sure we’d all love to hear how you did it. Thank you!
I was a 5.6 year rebound casual sex fling…he’s now happily engaged and I feel like a fool…he conveniently came back into my life for that one last fling ( which I allowed) by not telling me he was even dating her let alone engaged. So after the cheating he told me he was in a relationship and couldn’t be around me because we will end up having sex. I only found out by seeing him picture with his future wife that he was engaged. I feel like he cheated but now will move forward being a perfect husband and I get to be left with nothing to show for it. I’m angry and hurt that he didn’t think enough of each to even tell me the truth. I’m struggling to get past it but I don’t seem to be at all.
i would forgive yourself. you weren’t a fool. you were duped by a selfish liar…….good riddance to him! although you’re still hurting from his deception and using you ……in the long run you’ll see that it’s your gain to be rid of him and his bag of tricks!
think of what he did to his fiance! at least you can move on and be single again! whereas she is about to marry mr. cheating dirtbag! with the right amount of support here and in your life you’ll hopefully get a little stronger everyday and get back on track!……it takes some time and practice to put ourselves first and refocus on us not him…….especially a cheating him!
good luck with everything…….time heals all wounds……one day at a time…..don’t be afraid to reach out here or to a trustworthy supportive friend! take good care of yourself like we all need to!
Renee,
Thank him, he did you a huge favor by showing his true colors. Feel the feelings, grieve well and soon enough you will be over him and ready again…with more wisdom under your belt. Well done!
Renee,
Don’t beat yourself up it does kind of make you feel used, but you need to see him for who he is. He is dishonest and a liar. He can PRETEND to be a dutiful husband, but he knows that he is a liar. The fact that he could sleep with you and then turn around and sleep with the woman he supposed to love shows you what kind of man he is.
My ex-eum tried to sneak behind his soon to be wife back trying to see me, but I was strong enough to say no. I had time to heal which made it easier.
Can you imagine if the soon to be wife found out what he did how she would feel? He is disrespectful to you, her and himself. Let him be and move on! You deserve better.
Sometimes you can’t tell whether you are a rebound or not. He/she might not tell you about the ex or lies to you about the time since the ex. How should you know? In this case you are simply unlucky to be the bridge.
I saw this on the Attached book website and thought it might be valuable here. I love that book.
“Why is breaking up so hard, even when you’re trying to get away from a relationship that really isn’t working? Does the power of Attachment work against people in those instances?
As we mentioned before, by getting attached we become one physiological unit with our partner. A break up collapses that unit. From the brain’s perspective, this experience is like going through withdrawal from nicotine, alcohol, morphine and cocaine all at the same time. It’s horribly painful, and the pain is real. Research has shown that areas in the brain that light up during physical pain due to an injury—like a broken leg—also light up during a break up. To make things more complicated, the one thing that can take away all that pain is the person you have parted from. The very fact that an instant fix can occur when we get back with that person, even if he or she is bad news for us, is the reason why many people return again and again to the their ex despite their better judgment.
But if you understand attachment you’re one step ahead of the game. There are things that you can do to minimize the pain and “withdrawal symptoms.” It won’t take the pain away, but it will help you get through this often devastatingly painful experience.”
scott,
so true, I read that book too and that’s why I cannot be friends with a guy that I wouldn’t want to date, because I attach and allow myself to get involved even when I know it won’t last…I did this late last year, hung out with a guy that i knew wouldn’t work and then we were going to be friends and I couldn’t do it. The guy lived in a different country and even our phone conversations alone kept me attached, so I had to end it. I miss him from time to time, but I know if I start up a conversation, I’ll attach again in no time. I think the reason is because I really want a relationship and everything it brings, so my heart will grab onto anyone who is half way kind. If you read my post further down, you’ll see my current temptation, but I’m wiser and know better..I hope…
I just met a fellow while I was out with a friend. He seemed nice, kind.. I asked him if he wanted a ride home as we were all hanging out. On the way to driving him home (not too far from where we were) he started telling me how his son died two years ago, at about the same time he got divorced from what he had told me earlier. He almost started crying in my car. I felt badly for him, but didn’t know what to say. He wanted me to come up to his place so he could continue his tale of woe. I did not, as I don’t know him etc. We talked a little more in the car. I gave him my phone number earlier in the evening before all this came out, so then I gave him my email and told him to email me. Apparently, he has no friends really. He emailed me, and I said I’d get together for a coffee, but haven’t replied since and he hasn’t bothered me either, so I’m thinking to leave it, way too tragic, he is NOT ready for anything for sure and I attach easily and become his grief counselor…
Sometimes people just need a friend….
yes, he says he just needs a friend….but I get attached with friendships and may want more, its happened before, for me if the guy is single, and i am attracted to him, and i try to be friends, it usually leads to me expecting more, even if i know its not good for me. i think its because i need to feel like a guy can be my friend before being a bf.
I have been divorced for 2 1/2 years after a 20 year marriage. Even though I am the one who ended the toxic marriage it was still so painful for me. This was my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 10 years, and then tragedy struck. My husband started having an affair, which I didn’t find out about until he was 7 months into the affair. We separated and talked about getting therapy to try and save our marriage, but he was so involved he couldn’t leave her alone. One week later he was in a head on collision, sustained massive internal injuries and a traumatic head injury. Our little girl was nine years old. He was in a trauma unit and then ICU for 4 months. I took care of him four days a week in the hospital, mainly for our child because he was a great father and she and he were very close. Long story short, his girlfriend was sneaking into hospital seeing him, after he came out of the coma. I never mentioned her to him. But, his brain took up where it left off and he wanted to be with her. Of course, when she realized that he would not recover, that his reasoning abilities would be that of a 16 year old, she left. I left after he got out of the hospital and rehab. At that time I weighed 96 lbs. from no appetite and the emotional and physical tole it took on me. Of course there was time spent taking our daughter to rehab and later hospital so they could see and spend some time with each other. Our daughter is now 36 and very close to her Dad. He and I are friends and he does credit me for bringing her every other weekend for years so that they would stay close. But my point in all of this is that I waited 1 1/2 years before getting into my second marriage and should never have done this. I was not healed, (if there is such a thing after something like this) My second husband said all of the right things, did all of the right things, in a way told me what I needed to hear, until I married him. I feel bad for my part in all of this, I should have never started dating anyone, because I was not ready. I was his bridge after ending his 20 first marriage. And maybe I am guilty for expecting him to my bridge?? Even though it was not a conscious thought on my part, I was still present and accounted for. I would like to have a significant other in my life one day, but after going out with a guy recently a few times, he is trying to get too close, too soon and it causes me anxiety like you would not believe.
Linda
That anxiety is your warning system internally telling you to stay away, dont move forward with this new guy…..plus, you still more time to heal from your last marriage…unless you want to repeat the pattern with a new guy. the reason we repeat these relatiinships is because we think its better than going thru the pain of healing those ugly wounds….but in the end we develop a relationship with self and truly move forward….
People who end up being bridges sometimes accept this position subconsciously or consciously because they would also like to reserve the right to have other people as bridges when need one. It sucks when it happens to you but a part of you doesn’t want to call out this behavior cos you are thinking /have thought of doing it too. The road to hell and pain is paved with good and non-malicious intentions but end up at pain all the same
kookie,
Your point about not calling that behavior out and accepting it because you might do it, too is spot on. When I’ve started to allow this behavior, I catch myself and realize, nope not okay for me to do it either, and then I move on.
Brilliant writing. I remember a roommate telling me that another, new boyfriend would get me through the pain of a breakup. Wrong. And I’m not going to waste someone’s time while I use them to avoid my pain. No matter how hard you try to avoid being emotionally available, emotional pain always springs right back up at some point. Feel the pain of a breakup as best you can and don’t try and distract yourself from it with another person. Being without a romantic partner is not a bad thing.
Thank you everyone for your input. I am feeling like I am stuck in the pain and have been there for two years. At 56, I wonder if I will ever recover who I am, and how to go about that. Does that make any sense? I agree being alone is much preferred over being in another unhealthy relationship. I had a date this weekend with this fellow, and I again felt anxious, almost like I was disassociating myself from the present. He is really very clingy, like he just has to be in a relationship. I am talking with him tonight and am going to stop the relationship. Will be reading more articles from this sight to try and find some help.
Having this issue with a lovely guy I am dating and so still fresh in the fog guys with the mental tapes replaying on repeat.
He was with his ex who he was engaged to for 14 years. He claims they were basically living apart in the same house for last two years they were together. However they are still texting and being in touch regularly and I noticed he puts lots of xxxxxx’s on end of some of his messages to her. Of course he gently says I am insecure and jealous to flag it up to him, as this is mainly about his dogs he shares with her, apparently. But he has shared things with her that were between me and him (I got upset over something and he was there for me)
He recently took me on holiday and we set off really early and by 8am his ex had text him to wish him a great time and safe journey. I was furious and hurt. I am sick of living my life with her in it, and so I know despite him being there and seemingly committed he is still unavailable because he has not set boundaries with his ex to make room for a relationship, as he hasnt truly healed or moved on from her.
I need to let this one go.
This is sort of what happened in by second marriage, while dating he had to have contact with his ex of course because of their children. But, once we were married I realized he could not let the past with her go, via calling me her name several times, venting on and on about what she had done in their marriage, going into rages about the past and trying to connect me to his rage. I would let this one go, I mean where else will it go, married to him and always feeling like she is there also? Believe me, it is no way to live and it tears down who you are all the way to your core.
I was, unfortunately, confronted with this reality a month ago. A guy that had been sleeping on the family couch for three years and they had said theywanted to get divorced three years prior, but never did..until a few months before I met him. It seemed like enough time had passed that they had not had a “real” marriage…and boy did he dive in deep! He was sooo emotionally available and so saying everything that smelt, talked and walked like a committed man. He told me I was his best friend, we had mady emotionally open and vulnerable conversations with each other, he was reliable and consistent (calling at the same time every morning and every night) and for the first time in my life…after three forays with narcissist and emotionally unavailable men. It lasted 9 months. Around that time I started noticing he was always turning his cell phone upside down when ever he was around me. I didn’t realize it until after, but he stopped inviting me to spend the night at his house and would always stay at mine…a change from the beginning where he wanted me there a bunch and even suggested I should get a whole supply of my “get ready” stuff to leave there. I finally was mentioned on FB but referenced, at the nine month point as the “good friend” (!! oivee vieeeyy) and when introduced in public to people we ran into as a “good friend” I was told it was because at 52 he felt “weird” calling me his girlfriend. The grand finale was me telling him I wanted to talk about a few issues, this was almost 10 months in, and he sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. Ahhh…OKKKKAAAY. Then after I told him about my concerns about feeling sidelines from the general world about me being his girlfriend he joked that he was going to take out full page ads in the Wall St Journal the next day to annouce I was his gf. Nice. Two days later walked into his place and he walked very non-chalantly past his laptop and closed it so I could not see what was on there. Asked him why he felt the need to do that and he looked like a deer in the headlights, sighed heavily and changed the subject. I up and walked out. He followed me out and gave me some BS excuse about why he did it. 5 days later we were done. My point is this. Even when they SEEM soooo available and committed..right out of a 20 year marriage…well it just might not be the case. He texted me a week later that dating was not on his agenda, his kids were reeling from the divorce finally happening and he needed to focus on his kids and get his life together. I was the most amazing person he had every been in love with, and was still in love with, ours was the most amazing relationship he had ever had, he missed me yada yada yada. Oh and he was sorry. I was devasted but that seemed to help me temporarily. Low and behold less than a week later saw him on match.com, new profile and active within the last 24 hours. His online name was “Chapter 2”. I was like WTF…what chapter was !??!! In his first sentence he said he was funny, loyal and honest. And he was looking for an open and honest woman for a relationship. Then lied, saying he had been seperated three years and the divorce was final in August. They had filed a year earlier, not three years. So not only is this a plea to not be the bridge…it was absolutely crushing for me…to not get into fantasy that they are turly availble if they have not done their work after a marriage of multiple decades has finally collapsed…and also…don’t believe a word they say on match.com until you can spend many months getting to know their true character. My mind continues to spin around the level of calm and safety and love and commitment we had…only to have to dissolve in a month when I think the reality for him of being back in a committed and monogomous relationship confronted him. Never again with seperated man!!
I have had the unfortunate experience of late of getting involved with a guy who had “significant ex”. I always think that if you are allergic to something you should not crave it. I love pizza but my intestines do not, yet I regularly put my body through 24 hours of heavy lifting to process all that cheese and bread. Why do we crave things which are bad for us? I met this guy at church, he was very charming, 46 year old. Meeting him and spending time with him gave me hope where I had in some respects given up. He made me think perhaps there are still single guys out there who do not want to date women who are still in their reproductive prime (at 47 am way past that..). It started out as mutual attraction. I foolishly thought perhaps he was interested in getting to know me. Actually now I realize he was living in the moment, not at all interested in anything long term. I was flattered and thought he just needed a bit of time to figure out what he wanted. He talked about marriage, living together, living overseas, seeds planted in various conversations, typical fast forwarding. I held these things lightly still trying to work out exactly what was going on with his ex. He was still helping her. He had told me on a number of occasions that he did not think they would end up together, that he loved her but was not in love with her. That he did not want to hurt her again. They have been on and off for 8 years and she has been and is still waiting for him to get his act together. He told me he was helping take down her IKEA wardrobes when she moved home which I kind of shrugged off. The crunch point came when I saw a picture of her in his wallet, and on the same day he told me they had been away together for 3 days in a hotel to work out whether they were going to get back together again. I was gobsmacked. I felt so stupid as the night before he had been with me, holding my hand and talking about moving away together. They left hotel as single people, but I suspect the ex girlfriend is yet again in pieces after being picked up and put down by him. At that point I walked away. No drama, just endeavoring not to have contact. I miss him (why?). How can I feelings for such a plonker? That is as perplexing for me as anything, why do I crave such a jerk? Everyone (even my vicar!) have warned me off him. I am only thankful it has only been a few months and not a few years so I have got out relatively unscathed.
In an effort to get over him I went on a date on Friday with a nice guy I met online, but I did not feel attracted to him. He was a bit overweight, talked quite a lot. I sat in the restaurant trying to be enthusiastic but if am honest I just wanted to be at home. I kept comparing how I felt being with him to when I was with the pizza I should be allergic too. I know in my head the pizza is not something I want, but the sense of attraction, of being excited about seeing someone (as deluded as it was with him) is something I do not want to have to compromise. Do I need time just to grieve? Is it best just to not try to force things?
I am in a similar situation however I’m scared I’m the one using him as a bridge… I usually don’t like to rebound but I have this FANTASTIC guy who seems to be everything I ever wanted.. however I’m stuck on an ex who I am now using the NC rule on in that post you made a while back.. I seriously wanna give this guy a chance because everything he does and believesbelieves in is everything I’ve ever wanted and believed in also. We share so differences of course. But how do I know that he isn’t being used to get over my ex?
Hello im the one who has run all my life from relationships having been involved with a married man who left his wife for me. We lived together for 3 years (together 5) until his death 20 years ago. Ive been in therapy on and off for some years where I have said I don’t know how to be in a relationship ( with available men is what I meant, to be told by therapist that I do and all relationships are different. My life is like a bad nightmare with a series of married men who were always older and any time I met a man who was available I jumped in too fast physically and ended up with panic attacks which totally freaked me out as i liked them and couldn’t understand what was happening. Just recently i have hurt a very caring loving man who I treated appallingly and now wants nothing further to do with me, which I completely understand as I was blowing hot and cold from hour to hour which has left him doubting his sanity. Its only now that I realise having read a lot of books in recent months ( Hes Scared, Shes Scared, Getting to Commitment) to name but a few that im the unavailable person. While i stopped getting involved with married men 10 years ago i couldn’t figure out why I would freak out with available men and be calm with the unavailable men, but now I realise there was no risk involved emotionally which with the most recent relationship there was as I felt so vulnerable and terrified when I felt close to him. I make absolutely no excuses for my behaviour, we all have had less than perfect love from our parents/ lost a love etc . Ive a lot of shame about this most recent relationship with a man who had also had his share of loss and saw me in the most perfect light, to him I was precious which is what he called me from day one but I couldn’t see that in myself knowing how I have lived my life and feeling angry at myself for a previous situation I had been in with an unavailable man who I kept returning to. Im in therapy again as I know I have to face my fears and not let them dictate my life, regardless of whether I am with a man or not. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Wow, Bernadette, thank you for being so honest and for being vulnerable and accountable for your unavailability. It is a shock, isn’t it, to realize that you are the unavailable one, not everyone else. Continue to work on you. And please try not to shame yourself – you are human, you are flawed, and you deserve to love and be loved. Better to come to this realization now than to live your whole life hurting yourself and others knowingly and unknowingly. Good luck with your journey and trust that wherever your path takes you is exactly where you are supposed to go.
I was the bridge. He had been married for 20 years but on/off for the last year of the marriage as the wife, who instigated their split, kept changing her mind. He moved from the European country he originates from to here so he could work and send money back to her and their kids, and three months after their last separation, he got together with me.
Aside from the very short period of separation, which I ignored because I thought her being in a different country made it easier, the red flags started within a couple of months. Her endlessly texting him to ask him how to fix the computer, to argue over him wanting the children to come over here for a holiday, led to me early on asking him if they were actually separated. Of course he said yes, and he also said he would only respond to her when it was essential. 5 months into our relationship, he spent his first Christmas away from them and with me. He was miserable. She was sending extremely long instant messages throughout the holiday, but he wouldn’t tell me what they were about. He told me he never got angry with anyone, but she made him really angry. That meant he still had feelings for her. Later on he seemed less angry, and would fondly remanice briefly about her habits, their family life. It hurt me, I knew we would never have that relationship, with kids. I often joked that he would be better being with a girl from his own country, maybe someone who also had kids, someone who had more in common with him. He said he had enough ear-ache from women from that country, he was happy with me.
Just before the end of us, we spent a really lovely week and a half almost living together, and only rowed once. He never liked arguments, and was the most emotionally closed man I have ever been with. Apart from the constant amorous attention from him,which I have never experienced before, his silences and lack of talk in bed really got me down. I lost my nerve just after that idyllic week and a half, sensed distance from him, and stupidly gave him the cold shoulder, didn’t contact him, didn’t take the 2 calls he made to me. I had always felt insecure, I needed to know how important I was, and if he thought enough of me to pursue me. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. At 3 weeks I texted him asking him if he was o.k., I’d hoped just for once he would be the one to break the deadlock. I got a short, cold response back.
At 5 weeks he asked if we could meet. It would have been our first anniversary, and he mentioned the place we had met at. At that meeting he grilled me about why I had gone silent on him, and confided that he had once again tried to reconcile with his wife, because she had found a lump. She turned him down, and is finally divorcing him. He went through the whole spiel about how miserable he’d been in my absence because I was “the lovely girl who healed my broken heart”. He also said “if you can’t be my girlfriend, you can be my best friend”. I should have known what he was hinting at. Two hours later, after pretending all was o.k., he took me to the park we’d first met at and told me he’d met someone else. When I asked how he could have got together with someone in the space of a couple of weeks, when we weren’t officially broken up, he told me “I can’t be alone.”.
In my absolute shock, I told him I still had feelings for him, and we kissed and cuddled all of that evening, as well as him doing something which you don’t do when you are in the midst of breaking up with someone in order to progress a brand new relationship. He told me he needed to choose between us, that I was “most important woman in my life.” He left my house that night leading me to believe that he was making the choice. I know I should have told him where to go, but I didn’t, I loved him. That was 5 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. As soon as he walked out of my door I saw him checking out his phone, when I didn’t hear from him the next day I knew that was it.
I have been strong in not contacting him at all, but it is getting harder. not easier with time. It just feels to me that he had this other person lined up before I went silent on him, that he never intended to choose between us, for that last evening he was simply leading me on, trying to soften the blown. That he has made no attempt to confirm that, or just to make sure I am o.k., fills me with rage. Not only was he using me as a bridge, but he also mislead me at the end, and more than anything, I am outraged about being made to feel like I just never existed in his life.
I know I have to just forget him, but there are so many words I want to say, I want to lash out at him, because I feel in my romantic stupor on that final evening, I gave him a very soft exit, much more than he deserved. I contemplate writing to him, but there is no point, his decision is made. Yet I want him to know what a piece of rubbish he is, and I feel particularly cheapened at allowing him to touch me intimately that last evening, when he knew full well he was walking away from me and back into his new girl’s arms. I am a woman in her 40s and have never ever felt so betrayed and utterly bewildered as I do now. I don’t know how to get over this, and feel the pain will never subside.
So here’s my situation. I met a guy online. We talked for about a months time. Our first date went well, and of course that lead to a 2nd, 3rd, etc. After the 2nd date, I had spent the night at his house. We didn’t do anything sexual. That night in his bed, I had a dream. It was me in a kitchen finishing up dishes, and feeding a baby in a high chair while a man (the man I had just met and was lying next to) gave me a kiss goodbye and head out to work. I woke up, freaked out, and left. The next morning he called me. He sounded confused. Asking what happened,and why i left. I gave some bs excuse. As time went on (2 weeks about), i noticed him becoming really supressive with his actions. He was an affectionate person, and very chivalrous. Kisses on the hand and forhead. Always opened the doors. Over time I’d notice him going in for the kiss on the hand, but turn it into a wipe on his cheek. Why do you need my hand for that? Lol. Go for the kiss on the forhead, and turn it into a hug. I paid it no mind. He was very honest. I admire that trait about him. Once on a date, a waiter at the bar was talking to him. It was loud i couldn’t hear what they said, but the waiter kept pointing at me. Of course i asked what that was about. He said he took a lot of his dates to the same bar, and that the waiter noticed I’m the only female he’s seen him with at the bar that often. He looked at me kissed my hand and said that’s actually a good thing. Too much and too real? Maybe. But i can’t stand a liar or sugar coater, and his realness turned me on. Even if I didn’t want to hear it. If it’s true, then hey. After that night, he became distant. Eventually he disappeared.
I had messaged him a few weeks after his disappearance with a simple “hey “. His response without me even asking what happened was that he never thought he’d hear from me again. That he is afraid of commitment, and when he feels something may be there, he runs. He was a recent divorcee. He claims his wife took everything from him and thats he’s no good for anyone in his current position in life at the moment. He also stated that he really liked me. And that im “what he wants” he said he liked my personality, blah blah. And would really love to try something serious with me in the future, BUT he currently wants 1 year of freedom since he’s fresh out of a relationship. And that if after that year im still single, he wants to be exclusive with me. He said he knew i wouldn’t be up for it if he asked. But that since he just got out of a relationship, he didn’t want to hurt me by being a rebound, which is also another reason why he disappeared. My thing is, i have the biggest trust issues with men. I never believe most of them. I always follow my gut, but my gut really believes this guy. Of course i will not wait around for him. But, if he ever did come around and im still single, id give it a go. I just want some outward insight, on if this sounds like bs fluffy stuffs. Or could this possibly be genuine? I already know he isn’t ready. And would’ve hated to be a rebound. Glad he was aware enough of his faults to not waste more of my time knowing he was EU.