Why do we want what we want? Do we, for example, really want to settle down or stay in our job, or is it that we think that it’s what we’re supposed to want to do at this particular point? In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about why us feeling panicked and pressured to be or do certain things or even feeling that we’re behind is a call for us to acknowledge whether we’re driven by preference or programming.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- Over the last several years, I’ve had periods of contemplating whether to have another child. Part of what drove my thought process was genuinely exploring what I wanted. But a lot of it was conditioning. I’d been programmed to believe that this is something I should want at this point. We’re, for example, conditioned to think that we should want a child because that’s what women of a certain age ‘should’ want.
- Are you staying in the job because you want to? Or, is it because you absorbed the message that you stay in a ‘good job’ and collect your gold watch and video at sixty-five?
- Staying in an unfulfilling job or relationship for an extended period of time drains our mojo.
- Are you ticking boxes? These are means goals. They’re things that we pursue because society tells us that we ‘should’ want them and that they will make us happy.
Sometimes the reason why our parents (and other family members) pushed us to be and do certain things is because of what they didn’t have. They didn’t want us to ‘waste’ the opportunities that they feel they suffered and sacrificed for.
- Some of us grew up being treated like an extension of one or both parents. Our feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, etc., we’re distinct from theirs. When we did ‘good’ things, they felt good, but if we didn’t meet their expectations, it was taken as a personal slight against them.
- We might pursue certain wants to our parent. It might be because we know that it’s something they’d really love us to do. It could also be because we’re trying to right the wrongs of their past and complete their vision. Sometimes we’re trying to keep up with siblings, cousins, peers.
- Opting, for example, the career our parent(s) want or making other big life decisions with the aim of making them happy often leads to pain and resentment. It’s not going to make us happy if we’re doing what might be ‘good’ things, but for the wrong reasons.
When we really want to do something that involves a sacrifice, it’s no longer a sacrifice; it’s an autonomous give.
- We might not know what we want because we’ve always followed the rules. Others have always told us what we want or what we should want. This leaves us at a loss when we have to try and tune into ourselves. We can’t map it to a formula.
- Burning ourselves out is an example of programming. Many of us are raised to believe that if we’re not struggling, we’re not being and doing enough. Or, it’s assumed that what we’re pursuing isn’t ‘worth it’.
- ‘I’m supposed to…’ is a sign that we’re not operating by conscious choice and desire. I’m supposed be in a relationship with them because they’re a nice person. And even though we’re not compatible and my needs aren’t met by the relationship, my parents/church/friends like them.
We use our job, education, background, etc., and compare to similar people to determine what we think we ‘should’ be doing.
- And sometimes we have a ‘People like me do things like this’ mentality. We judge us inaccurately and limit our opportunities and capabilities. We hold ourselves to a lower standard and a lesser vision.
- Preference: What you do consciously. It’s based on your values.
- Programming: Patterns. Doing stuff on autopilot.
- If we have very specific ideas about when we should do things by, this is because of what we’re carrying around in our subconscious. Write down your ‘timeline’ of when things are supposed to happen and in what order: that’s programming.
- Sometimes feeling bad about not getting what we say we want is about having something to give ourselves a hard time about. Rather than go for the thing that we really really want, we go for something we don’t want but that society tells us that we should, and then we get to give ourselves a hard time about not getting it even though we weren’t really trying to get it.
Links mentioned
- Why are you still single? (ep. 102)
- I ‘Failed’, and I’m Ok (ep. 126)
- Means goals (ep. 50)
- Fear of loss, sacrifice and being trapped (ep.132)
- Roles – I want to break free. (ep. 128)
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Hi Natalie,
You touched on one of the big ones: do I want kids? I honestly don’t know. I know how much I love my nieces and nephews, but I also have a lifestyle right now with a lot of freedom to pick up and go, which is one of the things I love most about my life.
While I don’t feel that I want a child right now, at some point in the next couple of years I will have to decide, or the decision will be made for me. I also don’t know that I’m ready to say that I’m ok with never having a child.
Any suggestions on how to sort out what I really want?
Natalie,
I am so grateful, your latest episode could not have come at a more apt time for me. I’ve been following you on BR for a while and this post has resonated in so many ways.
@T: I am in a similar predicament as you. I’m about to turn 40 and am freaking out that I may soon miss the boat if I don’t have a baby in the near future.
I brought this topic up with my (younger) partner and he says he is not ready to have kids in his life, not for the next 5 years at least. I don’t know if this is a deal breaker for me.
Do I walk away from an otherwise happy relationship and risk not even meeting somebody else who is of the same mindset/at the same life stage as me, or do I stick around and hope that we develop to a point where we will consider having kids sooner rather than later?
I’d really appreciate any feedback.
Hi JC UK. Apologies that it’s taken me a while to get to this. Not sure how long you and your partner have been together, but what you both need to establish is whether you have a mutual, shared vision for your relationship and lives together.
Is this a situation where you’ve been together for some time and avoided an elephant in the room conversation? Or, is this the first time that this is coming up?
You both need to have an open dialogue at this point regardless of how good you both think that you have it. If you want to have a baby and he doesn’t or certainly not until, wait for it, it’s less likely to happen for you or will potentially be met with more difficulty, you really need to weigh up your compatibility. If you forgo your desire for a child, and you genuinely want one (or more), you will end up resenting him. And if he forces himself into parenthood as opposed to being super honest with himself, facing any fears and deciding to commit and have a change of plan, he’ll resent you too.
I think that as lovely as your relationship might be, you both need to ask yourselves what you’re doing. You’re in a relationship with somebody who might not be in a position to co-create the relationship and life you want, and he’s in a relationship with somebody who he must have had *some* level of awareness that this level of commitment would come up.
Try to get your bearings in this relationship so that you can get a sense of whether this is really a ‘Are we going to have a child together?’ issue or something else? Are there *other* things about him or the relationship that you need to pay attention to?
I appreciate that this isn’t an easy conversation, but one of the things that’s very needed here *is* a conversation. Our plan isn’t *the* plan. Get a sense of what his reservations are. I’ve found that when I talk to guys about this topic, including my own now husband, they often get panicky about practical things and money. Unless you can both talk freely and openly regardless of how uncomfortable it is to be vulnerable, you guys won’t get through this. Find out why it’s in five years. Is that a number he plucked out of his bottom or something else? Has he ever talked about kids with someone else? What are his feelings and values about family?
Bigger discussion needed! Remember: if you don’t share core values in terms of character and direction, the relationship won’t work, not least because you won’t be on the same page and your emotional needs won’t be met.
Sorry that it’s taken me a while to come back to this, T, and thanks so much for your comment.
Don’t know is a perfectly fine place to be. People who feel very strongly either way are very aware of it. What might be an idea to pay attention to is what you’re hoping to do over the next few years as well as getting a sense of your values (your preferences, principles and priorities). The places where you want to direct your energies over the next few years give a big clue as to what you really want.
You’ve tried to imagine being the person who has decided that they don’t want to have children and you’ve realised that you don’t feel comfortable with the idea of saying that you never want a child. What about trying to imagine a couple of years down the road. So visualise being in the type of relationship you want to be in (if you want one), living the life you want to lead (doesn’t have to be set in stone) and then picture yourself broaching the topic of children, or being pregnant. How do you feel? Which thoughts come up even if you’re surprised by them? What do you see? Do you feel as if you can even envision being in the relationship that, for example, you think you want or need to be in order to have a child? Make sure you go to a quiet space where you’ve got a few minutes to chill and be comfortable. Have a journal and pen handy for afterwards. Take a few deep breaths (yoga breaths where you feel your belly move up and down, or do in through the nose and out through the mouth), close your eyes and try to relax your body. When you’re feeling a bit loose and calm (no need for an empty head, haha), try to visualise it.
Write down everything that you see, think, feel, etc. You might notice that there are some ‘objections’ to this vision — and that will be a starting point for further exploration and clarification.
Remember, also, that it’s OK to have fears about, well, anything — but make sure that they don’t run you and that you bring perspective into the mix.
Gosh this is a powerful one for me. T and JC, I can tell you my story – and it shocked me.
I have never felt maternal – EVER. I’ve also never felt scared to go against the grain. However, I lost my (fabulous) parents young and somehow thought that if I had a child I would have a family again.
In my late 30s I spent thousands getting my eggs frozen (I’m so angry about these clinics now…I think they are a con). By the age of 42 I’d met a much younger man. I WANTED TO WANT to have kids and, well – after all the fretting about time having run out I got pregnant without any trouble at all (and without any need to use those frozen eggs). And oh my God…what a mistake it was. I didn’t realise the reality of it all and HOW WRONG IT WAS for me until I was pregnant. A few weeks passed, and it was when I was sincerely considering throwing myself under a train that I realised I would have to have a termination.
If you look online you’ll see that my situation isn’t unique. There are lots of women who do what I did – and lots more who went ahead and had a child and bitterly regretted it.
The media is so obsessed with telling us that having a child is the most important thing a woman can do (and it’s so frowned upon for women to say that they wish they hadn’t had kids) that people like me – people who have never wanted kids, who have seen non-maternal, very fertile relatives have child after child they didn’t want – end up thinking they want to have kids.
As I say – I’ve always been happy to hold alternative points of view about things (contrary even!) and it was such a profound shock to me that I had been so affected by social conditioning.
Wow, that is a powerful and painful experience that you went through, Na, and thank you so much for sharing your experience. I know that it is not uncommon, and I only wish that it was talked about more.
Sometimes getting what we want is the wake-up call that it isn’t what we wanted (or needed) at all. It would be amazing if we could know everything up front without having to go through such profoundly painful experiences, but that’s not how life works. It’s taken that experience to wake you up to your true nature and path. We have been affected by societal conditioning in ways that we aren’t even aware of yet. I hope that you have more peace of mind now.
Really thought provoking as always Natalie and on point as well. I recently made the decision not to have kids (I’m 39) even though it was something I always wanted to have in my life – always.
However, after a divorce and further relationship breakups, I decided it wasn’t actually what I deep down wanted, or at least, the time had gone. I like my life at the moment with the freedom but also because I’m not sure I’d have the energy to balance my freelance business, friends, interests etc.
However, it still upsets me when my friends announce pregnancies because it only highlights what I’ve missed out on. I’m afraid to admit, it makes me feel less like a woman. I know I’m not but these thoughts still pop up.
I also think that women are often worse, asking why I don’t want children, if it’s too late for me etc. There is little support in the media for those that choose to be childless.
Being single, I feel like it’s giving me more time to find someone but at the same time, there are perhaps less men available who don’t not want children and something I’m more aware of broaching with them.
Hi Dee. Thanks for sharing this. I have a friend who has never wanted children (and still doesn’t) who had to have a hysterectomy. What took her breath away was the grief that came up for her. Before it was a choice (and still is), but it felt like her option to choose was taken away from her. I think it also helped her, though, to face some of what contributed to her decision, and so as difficult as it was, it was a healing process. Another friend of mine and her sister made a pact when they were kids to never have children. They had a terrible time in childhood and so they stuck to their vow. Here’s the funny thing: their little sister had children and they’ve been heavily involved in their upbringing. I pointed out to them that they’d ended up mothering *anyway*!
You are no less of a woman because you are not going to have a child. There are *many* routes to being a woman. Parenthood is *one* expression of a life, not the ultimate one. I’m not into all of this ‘real woman’ malarkey. It’s no better than patriarchy, something that, yes, some women participate in.
What is the point in us fighting for equality and autonomy if we don’t use it? Your choice is your own and you do not need to explain or justify yourself to anyone. You’re not judging other women for their choices, so there’s no need for them (or you) to judge yours.
This was a great episode! Gave me a lot to think about. Ive always planned that by 25 I’d be married and have a family by 30. Then when 25 passed, I was like ok, get married at 30 then have a family by 35?? I’m 31 now and sometimes I’m not sure.
I think I would be a great wife and mom but…it’s hard for me to visualize these things without a partner in sight! LOL Lately, I’ve been more concerned with growing my career (new job, higher position) and the next place I’m going to vacation (I like to travel and the planning process is kind of fun to me).
There are some days I would like a romantic partner or think about a family and other days I’m like would I ever have time for myself. Raising kids is no joke! And the finances…jeez. I’m pretty sure my parents want to be grandparents (the rest of my family have kids already). I feel bad that I may not be able to give them that…or even a son in law. Deep down I don’t even want to think about it.
And 31 is young! I get that you had a plan, but life had something else in store for you, and maybe you were selling yourself short with your original plan, not because becoming a mother is a ‘bad’ thing (obviously not) but because it’s not your only goal or aspiration. That, and you have time. There are things that you’ve needed to heal, learn and grow in that time.
I think it’s critical to acknowledge that it’s totally OK to marry or have children in your twenties, but the timelines us women give ourselves are often pretty short and based on the outdated ideas about women. You will become a mother — but you will also become more of yourself. Enjoy your life, become more aware of your values and what you’re moving towards. Make it less about timeline and more about creating the life that’s the greatest expression of you — so that you can welcome more of the people, things and opportunities that are in alignment with that.
Thank you ? You are so inspiring and motivational for me (and so many others!)
The ? Was supposed to be a smiley face lol