Tags: disappointment, emotional availability, emotional intelligence, empathy, empathy in relationships, expectations, journaling, managing expectations in relationships
Sometimes people say stuff like “They journal/meditate/do yoga/go to therapy, so they should be more emotionally intelligent” to explain their confusion, anger and hurt over a relationship. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I break down this common misconception and the issues it poses, not just for our relationship with that person but how we feel about ourselves in the process.
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Some nuggets from the episode
- Emotional intelligence involves being able to recognise our feelings as well as those of others. In doing so, we influence our own and theirs in a positive (read: healthy, boundaried, intelligent) way. It’s not about using people pleasing or perfectionism to try to influence and control people’s feelings and behaviour so that we feel good about ourselves. It most definitely isn’t the same as being ‘savvy’ enough to manipulate someone’s feelings to use to gain an advantage over them.
- Journaling, meditation, yoga and therapy can all be beneficial to our well-being, but it’s about what we do with these. Venting, for example, but not learning from the insights we gain, limits the benefits. Sometimes we treat self-care practices like ticking-box exercises that make us feel like we’re doing something without going too deep.
Understanding what we feel and why, as well as why we do what we do is emotional intelligence in action. We’re being emotionally available.
- When we hold people to our bold assumptions and generalisations, we are not practising empathy.
When we deduce that someone is emotionally intelligent (or more so than us), we make assumptions. These include…
- Deciding that an emotionally intelligent person knows (and means) what they think, feel and do. If they deviate from it, we determine that it’s a mistake that they need to rectify, pronto. Or, we decide that it’s our fault.
- Believing that they must, will, or should be a competent or even excellent relationship partner or able for commitment because they journal, do yoga, etc.
- Thinking someone shouldn’t behave in undesirable ways because they’re supposed to be emotionally intelligent. Or, that something shouldn’t have happened because they’re supposed to be emotionally intelligent.
- Deciding that they’re an authority and more knowledgable. Taking it to another level and thinking that they can parent or fix us. Letting them tell us what we think and feel even when it leads to self-doubt and us gaslighting ourselves.
- Presuming that they will not be impacted by stressors because of their self-care activities. Or, deciding that even though they are clearly going through something and struggling, that it’s okay to ignore that and plough ahead with what we want from them. Or, knowing that they’re struggling and thinking that the journaling, etc., means that they should be on top of things.
Sometimes our people pleasing and perfectionism extends itself to trying to win the approval of our therapist. We tell them what we think they want to hear. We don’t want to disappoint them with what we think is our lack of progress.
- Journaling, meditation, yoga, therapy and the like — they are all beneficial to our well-being. But it’s not one thing. They’re not magic bullets. They’re things that we can do as part of the day-to-day living of taking care of us.
- We need to base our interactions and relationships in truth and intimacy. When we latch on to one or a few things and use them to ‘decide’ who someone is or should be, we set ourselves up for pain.
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During therapy, we briefly tried working with the book “Writing to heal”. However, my therapist quickly told me to stop it, because the journaling very obviously retraumatized me. Likewise, I once tried app-based meditation, but it caused a huge PTSD flashback, and I didn’t try it again.
What really helped me was therapeutic drawing. Ironically, people always considered me a good writer, but I am horrible at drawing (mainly due to a lack of fine motor skills). Yet, I was able to access some of my true feelings through drawing. Maybe this was because I knew I wouldn’t be able to people-please with these works, anyway?
The most beneficial thing I ever did was staying away from toxic people, almost no matter the cost – even if it seemingly caused increased loneliness, career disadvantage and, of course, disapproval from others.
I also benefited greatly from discussing my experiences with other people through social media (anonymously of course).
I had two rounds of therapy, both of which lasted about six months and focused on emotional trauma. Overall, I consider both of them hugely beneficial.
It is important to note that I had a very traumatic childhood. Both of my parents were probably alcoholic and had severe psychiatric disorders. My mother was very likely a malignant narcissist and very sadistic and manipulative. In addition to this, I experienced severe bullying at school for almost a decade.
Obviously, not everybody had to go through that – thankfully! I am sure many people benefit from meditation and journaling, much more than I did.
Today, I believe that I am more in touch with my feelings than ever. I am more emotionally available, too. However, I am not sure whether I am ready for a relationship – even after a dating hiatus of almost ten (!) years.
Overall, I have grown hugely suspicious of people who claim to be “emotionally mature” thanks to some superficial measures. From my own experience, I know how long this can take and how many different paths you have to try out.
You highlight something critical here: it’s vital to tune in to what’s right for you. Ignoring signs from your body would have only compounded the very issues that you were seeking help with in the first place. I’m glad that you had a therapist who was empathetic and adaptable. You were able to accomplish the same aims, but just via a different route. You’re are far more self-aware as a result and that pays massive dividends. And I find that when you are “emotionally mature”, you don’t typically need to make a declaration about it because, well, maturity, haha.
The trap I fell into.
My EU had two twin girls at home and worked in the NHS dealing with mental illness.
Cue the expectation that he wasnt stringing me along (absolutely 100% was) because why would a father treat another woman the way he treated me when SURELY he would realise that he should treat women the way he would want his daughters to be treated no? And as someone who worked in mental health, he must *surely* understand what other people feel and have empathy right?
Wrong.
ACs will treat people the way they want to treat people. And it doesnt matter what profession they have or what their background or family life is. Unfortunately the only protection against them is boundaries when your the ever so understanding people pleaser good girl like I completely and utterly was. It took 2 attempts. I merely thought that stating my boundaries was enough but it wasnt. Not when they were so flimsy and easy to skirt around anyway. But I did it! Eventually. After a YEAR with EU.
Damn it was hard, but thankyou so much! Too many red flags I ignored because he was “going through a tough time” and I was Florence Nightingale seeing the best in people.
You’re welcome, Sam. Profession can be incredibly misleading as we assume that someone who works in a caring profession or ‘should’ have awareness, for example, about mental health and boundaries. And that’s not a given. Well done on gaining distance from this person with your boundaries. It’s okay that it took a couple of times — you and your boundaries evolved in the process.