Assumptions are a major pothole for many people dating and in relationships. These mental leaps stem from taking one or a few pieces of information and over-correlating these and then making misplaced judgements about who a person is or what type of relationship and future they could have with them. Certain attributes and signals deemed attractive and necessary for a relationship act as a hook for daters. Of course, this stops them from seeing the bigger picture and the whole and real person.

As humans, we look for things in others (connections) to help us identify with like-minded people. Connection helps us feel safe and understood, like we belong, or even that we can relax to a great degree. On some level, we figure if we’re with someone who’s just like us or a seemingly good fit for our attributes, what could go wrong? But if you don’t know yourself very well (or are afraid to be what you know so far), how can you know compatibility or a ‘good fit’?

In reality, every remotely healthy relationship is based on shared core values.

Some of these relationships feature people who like and do a lot of the same things. Some contain people who have very different leanings. The net result is that these relationships are harmonious because they are based on the reality of core values

Once you understand what common ground truly involves and are willing to honour who you are and step up for your needs, expectations, desires, feelings, and opinions, you will stop waking up in relationships feeling hungry, wondering how that can be when you’re technically supposed to be with your great-on-paper person. It feels so destabilising when you’re with your Perfect Match, yet the relationship isn’t working.

You’ll also stop belatedly attempting to do the due diligence that needs to happen during the discovery phase of dating. You meet resistance when you effectively try to retrofit your values to an existing relationship. It’s like closing the door after the horse has already bolted.

Taking time to understand values and compatibility means you also stop beating yourself up for not being able to make the [wrong relationship] work. You will go into relationships with a clearer sense of who you are. This means that regardless of a partner’s interests or your attraction, you ensure they also have the necessary values to green-light and grow your relationship further.

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