So many people mistake intensity for intimacy, and so their relationship begins at high speed and then they experience the painful crash and burn that inevitably ensues. Intensity, as lovely as it might seem initially, isn’t sustainable. It damages the prospects of a mutually fulfilling, loving relationship. This is especially because we’re highly likely to breach our boundaries. We won’t practise the self-care we need to understand genuine compatibility and whether we can meet our emotional needs. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I break down the five stages of relationships. I love this topic!
If our intention is to meet somebody and share a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust and respect, where we’re compatible, where our emotional needs can be met, we can’t opt to ignore vital information that suggests that that cannot happen.
Stage 0 (Preamble): Introduction.Haven’t met yet or been on the first date yet. Stay grounded.
Stage 1 (Dating): Prime discovery phase 1, mainly superficial knowledge, be yourself, no auditioning, co-interview process. Use this stage to pick up signs of incompatibility!
Stage 2 (Establishing): Prime discovery phase 2, committing to emotional and sexual exclusivity.
The real getting to know begins at Stage 2 when you embark on a relationship. Genuine intimacy can only start from this point onwards.
Stage 3 (Evolving): Committed to spending your future together. Intimacy at this stage supports ‘big ticket’ commitments. Intimacy continues to deepen.
Stage 4 (The Long Haul): Committed to remaining together. Intimacy continues to deepen.
If one or both of you haven’t really shown or said “no” and moved on from that in a very positive manner, you’re still at Stage 2.
Even if you’ve bought a house together and goodness knows what else. If you’re afraid to have boundaries in your relationship, if you’re afraid to be you, if all the time you’re thinking “Oh my god, if I do that then maybe they’re gonna finish it”, you’re still at Stage 2. There isn’t that security because you just haven’t reached that level of intimacy where you’re OK with being you.
If one or both parties are caught up in keeping things really intense and not moving on to the normality of an actual relationship, then they’re always going to want to stay in the early stages (Stage 0-1), so you’re never going to get past Stage 2 with them.
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Apologies. That was my screw-up. All rectified now! Thanks for flagging it up!
Sophie
on 23/01/2019 at 5:24 pm
The relationship im in currently has had it’s stages scrambled/ fast forwarded. Id known my partner for many years through shared community before we started dating. His long term partner left him and 6 months later we started dating. We got pregnant the first time we slept together…it felt like we were falling in love for the following month which is no time at all…then i found out i was pregnant and chose to keep the baby. I was clear that i was willing to do it alone but he said he would be there with me. I left my business/ world to move to his town and have the baby…we moved in together, bought a house, had a baby…. he totally closed emotionally as soon as i moved but kept working and supporting me. It was too much too fast and he hadnt fully processed his past relationship. I felt emotionally betrayed. It’s been a year. We’re becoming better friends and learning to communicate but the romance has been gone a while. We see each other as great parents, respect eachother as people and we’re both working hard to be open to eachother. Part of me thinks it’s not something that we should need to work for but i also see how much pressure we’ve been under so im trying to be patient. Whether we end up together romantically or not, it feels best to live together as friends/ coparents until i want to leave the baby with a sitter. For now baby is priority and we both agree me staying home with him is best…and us working out our relationship the best we can too. We both want it to work out between us…but im skeptical of someone who shuts down and pushes me out when i we’re going through this intense experience together. Do you think there is hope? Id love advice
NATALIE
on 28/01/2019 at 5:47 pm
Hi Sophie, congratulations on your baby. Yes, the circumstances weren’t “ideal”, but look at how much your life has changed, and so much of it is for the better. I don’t know that it shouldn’t need so much “work”. Given the circumstances of the pregnancy as well as the emotional standpoints from which you both approached the relationship, it wasn’t going to be smooth sailing. Both of you are likely confused, at times, about what is driving each of you to be together: baby or a genuine desire to create and build a relationship? Each of your own upbringings, including your beliefs and associations with family, will significantly influence your attitudes around staying or going. If, for example, one or both of you come from families where there’s an emphasis on staying together “no matter what” or where you experienced divorce or separation, that can cause you (or him) to either believe that it should be the same as back then or that you need to go to great lengths to be different. There can be a fear of “failing” and a desire to not be the person who can’t get it together, and so it’s crucial to ensure that this doesn’t get in the way of either of you doing what’s right for each of you.
He will have to figure out his shutting down and pushing out as that’s not conducive to advancing your relationship. That’s about whatever pain, fear and guilt is coming up for him as well as his habit of relating. This will undoubtedly feel very hardgoing when you’re the one staying home and possibly feeling as if your life is taking the biggest hit in terms of changes.
And, of course, there’s hope. I think it might take a little while to untangle yourselves so that you can get to a place where you both understand what you need and want. If you haven’t already, couples counselling could be helpful.
Karen
on 24/01/2019 at 9:27 pm
Five stages? I can’t handle the first two.
Just as I thought I’d finally left the past behind because I knew I never again wanted to have contact with the assclown narcissist who screwed up my life off and on for 10 years (I know, I let it happen) but now I am afraid to trust anyone. I’m thinking, why bother?
My life took a downward turn last year.
My parents have past on and I had to let my older sister go in 2014 because she’s a manipulative rat, but then my only brother, whom I loved and trusted, decided to throw me over after my sister moved to his town and bribed him with an array of gifts, like an iPhone, an expensive boat, designer clothes, etc. She is notorious for generosity with strings attached, and clearly he took the bait.
She and I used to divide up family occasions with my brother as a go-between, because I refuse to speak to her or be around her. In April, there was a huge, 3-day multi state family reunion in my city, and I gave her first pick to attend. When she told my bro she wanted to pass on it, I said I’d be happy to go. I spent a fortune on food and drinks, etc., but on Saturday night, my brother told me he was tired and going to bed at 7:15 p.m. Red flag!
I said I wanted to see my nephews and cousins at the air B&B where they were all staying, but he refused to give me the address, then he hung up on me. I smelled a rat, and sure enough, my sister snuck into town and held court at the rental that night, my brother wouldn’t answer my calls or texts, and neither would anyone else. I felt crushed and humiliated, not to mention betrayed. It was done so publicly, and I never saw it coming.
Then my best friend died in October.
I’ve tried to date, but I think I sabotage things at stage 2 because I just can’t believe there are any sincere, trustworthy people out there anymore.
Add to that the daily news–where a certain orange narcissist seems to be handing my country over to Vladimir Putin, with a government shutdown, wanting to leave NATO, emboldening racists and infighting among citizens, and while he and the country await the results of a serious criminal investigation into his shady world, he’s like a cornered rat whose diversions get more dangerous with each passing day.
I am so afraid of what could happen.
My brother is now e-mailing me forwarded articles and crap about once a week, acting as though nothing happened, although we haven’t ever discussed the reunion clusterf**k. I ignore his e-mail, but part of me wants to tell him to call my sister and leave me alone . I don’t because I don’t want him to think everything will get back to normal one day because I blinked.
I try to immerse myself in making art and Facebook, taking care of my home and my twin kitties, but when I drop my guard I feel smothered by fear, anger and disappointment.
I’d be happy to get to a relationship stage 2 and stick the landing, but I’ve lost hope.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to flip this miserable script?
NATALIE
on 28/01/2019 at 5:32 pm
Hi Karen. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s terribly painful to lose a loved one, and losing a best friend brings up a myriad of emotions. It’s possible that you need to give you time to grieve. You’ve also had the double blow of the betrayal, which is another loss that will trigger grief feelings.
I don’t think anyone would blame you if you took a step back for a bit. Your brother is someone who plays the role of piggy in the middle. He wants to please and he’s afraid of alienation. He likely believes that he can risk hurting you because it will have less blowback than what your sister will do if he alienates her instead. That’s painful too. He’s clearly in a very conflicted place that will continue to get him into problems, not least because he’s still going to run into problems with your sister despite his efforts. Although it doesn’t cancel out what he did, if you can recognise that this is about his pleaser ways and the role he has in your family and less about “Let me destroy Karen”, he will still have done a crappy thing but it won’t look so much like the whole family is in on some big horrible ruse. It’s also important to acknowledge that his role exists because of the dynamic between you and your sister, so for the dynamic to change, he has to be taken out of the middle.
And it is OK to let him know that you’re hurt and disappointed by his actions. You can be factual without being unemotional.
‘Hi [bro]. When you [factually describe the behaviour e.g. Cut me out of the family event at the last minute and refused to answer calls etc and then start contacting me as if nothing happened], I don’t feel as if I can trust you. Discovering that you had all gathered together and that you had undertaken this course of action in exchange for clothes, an iPhone etc, was deeply hurtful and I can’t pretend that didn’t happen. I hold my hands up; I recognise that my relationship with [sister] has contributed to this because you clearly now feel that you can only be around one or the other, and I apologise for my part in that. I value our relationship and if we are to move on to a better place, then we will need to clear the air about this and speak properly. And while we’re on the subject, please stop sending me those political emails. I just can’t read or watch anything else about Trump, [etc].’
There isn’t a magic bullet for this situation but I think that by putting an end to things from your side and taking it a day at a time, things will start to shift.
Re the triggering from the news cycle: no news first thing in the morning. Have a cleanse of your feed. You can change the recommendations it gives by right clicking on a piece of content and marking it as irrelevant. Mute/unfollow anyone who bombards. Choose when and where you want to receive your news. And limit the amount of time spent on things like Facebook as it can be dark and draining around these subjects.
HappyAgain
on 25/01/2019 at 2:15 am
Karen,
Have you ever taken any of Natalie’s classes? I think on the self esteem one (not sure if there are posts on it) there was a booklet on self soothing. Obviously those were some mean things happening and it hurt you, on top of other things you have been through. Since you cannot make these people change i think the most helpful thing you can do — even in trying to move past step 2 — is to learn to keep comforting yourself to get through the uncomfortable (or sabotage) feelings to see how things unfold. I understand your feelings and have experienced alot of that hurt and rejection too. The self soothing helps me as well as the feelings diary and i hope it helps you too. I am sorry they were mean to you. Lots of love.
HappyAgain
on 25/01/2019 at 2:20 am
Karen,
Maybe a news sabatical? I have to do this for myself at times. That stuff can weigh a person down! You obviously care so these things are upsetting you! You can only take so much!
HappyAgain
on 25/01/2019 at 8:51 pm
Thank you Natalie!
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
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Apologies. That was my screw-up. All rectified now! Thanks for flagging it up!
The relationship im in currently has had it’s stages scrambled/ fast forwarded. Id known my partner for many years through shared community before we started dating. His long term partner left him and 6 months later we started dating. We got pregnant the first time we slept together…it felt like we were falling in love for the following month which is no time at all…then i found out i was pregnant and chose to keep the baby. I was clear that i was willing to do it alone but he said he would be there with me. I left my business/ world to move to his town and have the baby…we moved in together, bought a house, had a baby…. he totally closed emotionally as soon as i moved but kept working and supporting me. It was too much too fast and he hadnt fully processed his past relationship. I felt emotionally betrayed. It’s been a year. We’re becoming better friends and learning to communicate but the romance has been gone a while. We see each other as great parents, respect eachother as people and we’re both working hard to be open to eachother. Part of me thinks it’s not something that we should need to work for but i also see how much pressure we’ve been under so im trying to be patient. Whether we end up together romantically or not, it feels best to live together as friends/ coparents until i want to leave the baby with a sitter. For now baby is priority and we both agree me staying home with him is best…and us working out our relationship the best we can too. We both want it to work out between us…but im skeptical of someone who shuts down and pushes me out when i we’re going through this intense experience together. Do you think there is hope? Id love advice
Hi Sophie, congratulations on your baby. Yes, the circumstances weren’t “ideal”, but look at how much your life has changed, and so much of it is for the better. I don’t know that it shouldn’t need so much “work”. Given the circumstances of the pregnancy as well as the emotional standpoints from which you both approached the relationship, it wasn’t going to be smooth sailing. Both of you are likely confused, at times, about what is driving each of you to be together: baby or a genuine desire to create and build a relationship? Each of your own upbringings, including your beliefs and associations with family, will significantly influence your attitudes around staying or going. If, for example, one or both of you come from families where there’s an emphasis on staying together “no matter what” or where you experienced divorce or separation, that can cause you (or him) to either believe that it should be the same as back then or that you need to go to great lengths to be different. There can be a fear of “failing” and a desire to not be the person who can’t get it together, and so it’s crucial to ensure that this doesn’t get in the way of either of you doing what’s right for each of you.
He will have to figure out his shutting down and pushing out as that’s not conducive to advancing your relationship. That’s about whatever pain, fear and guilt is coming up for him as well as his habit of relating. This will undoubtedly feel very hardgoing when you’re the one staying home and possibly feeling as if your life is taking the biggest hit in terms of changes.
And, of course, there’s hope. I think it might take a little while to untangle yourselves so that you can get to a place where you both understand what you need and want. If you haven’t already, couples counselling could be helpful.
Five stages? I can’t handle the first two.
Just as I thought I’d finally left the past behind because I knew I never again wanted to have contact with the assclown narcissist who screwed up my life off and on for 10 years (I know, I let it happen) but now I am afraid to trust anyone. I’m thinking, why bother?
My life took a downward turn last year.
My parents have past on and I had to let my older sister go in 2014 because she’s a manipulative rat, but then my only brother, whom I loved and trusted, decided to throw me over after my sister moved to his town and bribed him with an array of gifts, like an iPhone, an expensive boat, designer clothes, etc. She is notorious for generosity with strings attached, and clearly he took the bait.
She and I used to divide up family occasions with my brother as a go-between, because I refuse to speak to her or be around her. In April, there was a huge, 3-day multi state family reunion in my city, and I gave her first pick to attend. When she told my bro she wanted to pass on it, I said I’d be happy to go. I spent a fortune on food and drinks, etc., but on Saturday night, my brother told me he was tired and going to bed at 7:15 p.m. Red flag!
I said I wanted to see my nephews and cousins at the air B&B where they were all staying, but he refused to give me the address, then he hung up on me. I smelled a rat, and sure enough, my sister snuck into town and held court at the rental that night, my brother wouldn’t answer my calls or texts, and neither would anyone else. I felt crushed and humiliated, not to mention betrayed. It was done so publicly, and I never saw it coming.
Then my best friend died in October.
I’ve tried to date, but I think I sabotage things at stage 2 because I just can’t believe there are any sincere, trustworthy people out there anymore.
Add to that the daily news–where a certain orange narcissist seems to be handing my country over to Vladimir Putin, with a government shutdown, wanting to leave NATO, emboldening racists and infighting among citizens, and while he and the country await the results of a serious criminal investigation into his shady world, he’s like a cornered rat whose diversions get more dangerous with each passing day.
I am so afraid of what could happen.
My brother is now e-mailing me forwarded articles and crap about once a week, acting as though nothing happened, although we haven’t ever discussed the reunion clusterf**k. I ignore his e-mail, but part of me wants to tell him to call my sister and leave me alone . I don’t because I don’t want him to think everything will get back to normal one day because I blinked.
I try to immerse myself in making art and Facebook, taking care of my home and my twin kitties, but when I drop my guard I feel smothered by fear, anger and disappointment.
I’d be happy to get to a relationship stage 2 and stick the landing, but I’ve lost hope.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to flip this miserable script?
Hi Karen. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s terribly painful to lose a loved one, and losing a best friend brings up a myriad of emotions. It’s possible that you need to give you time to grieve. You’ve also had the double blow of the betrayal, which is another loss that will trigger grief feelings.
I don’t think anyone would blame you if you took a step back for a bit. Your brother is someone who plays the role of piggy in the middle. He wants to please and he’s afraid of alienation. He likely believes that he can risk hurting you because it will have less blowback than what your sister will do if he alienates her instead. That’s painful too. He’s clearly in a very conflicted place that will continue to get him into problems, not least because he’s still going to run into problems with your sister despite his efforts. Although it doesn’t cancel out what he did, if you can recognise that this is about his pleaser ways and the role he has in your family and less about “Let me destroy Karen”, he will still have done a crappy thing but it won’t look so much like the whole family is in on some big horrible ruse. It’s also important to acknowledge that his role exists because of the dynamic between you and your sister, so for the dynamic to change, he has to be taken out of the middle.
And it is OK to let him know that you’re hurt and disappointed by his actions. You can be factual without being unemotional.
‘Hi [bro]. When you [factually describe the behaviour e.g. Cut me out of the family event at the last minute and refused to answer calls etc and then start contacting me as if nothing happened], I don’t feel as if I can trust you. Discovering that you had all gathered together and that you had undertaken this course of action in exchange for clothes, an iPhone etc, was deeply hurtful and I can’t pretend that didn’t happen. I hold my hands up; I recognise that my relationship with [sister] has contributed to this because you clearly now feel that you can only be around one or the other, and I apologise for my part in that. I value our relationship and if we are to move on to a better place, then we will need to clear the air about this and speak properly. And while we’re on the subject, please stop sending me those political emails. I just can’t read or watch anything else about Trump, [etc].’
There isn’t a magic bullet for this situation but I think that by putting an end to things from your side and taking it a day at a time, things will start to shift.
Re the triggering from the news cycle: no news first thing in the morning. Have a cleanse of your feed. You can change the recommendations it gives by right clicking on a piece of content and marking it as irrelevant. Mute/unfollow anyone who bombards. Choose when and where you want to receive your news. And limit the amount of time spent on things like Facebook as it can be dark and draining around these subjects.
Karen,
Have you ever taken any of Natalie’s classes? I think on the self esteem one (not sure if there are posts on it) there was a booklet on self soothing. Obviously those were some mean things happening and it hurt you, on top of other things you have been through. Since you cannot make these people change i think the most helpful thing you can do — even in trying to move past step 2 — is to learn to keep comforting yourself to get through the uncomfortable (or sabotage) feelings to see how things unfold. I understand your feelings and have experienced alot of that hurt and rejection too. The self soothing helps me as well as the feelings diary and i hope it helps you too. I am sorry they were mean to you. Lots of love.
Karen,
Maybe a news sabatical? I have to do this for myself at times. That stuff can weigh a person down! You obviously care so these things are upsetting you! You can only take so much!
Thank you Natalie!