It’s that time of year when I get a lot of people asking me questions like “Should I wish my ex a merry Christmas?” and “Is it a bad idea to break No Contact to wish my ex a happy Christmas/birthday/New Year?” On this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I tackle this dilemma. Whatever you opt to do, do it from a place of love, care, trust and respect. Scroll to the bottom for details of my upcoming meetup in San Francisco.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- Good Girls (and Guys) don’t want to be seen as not doing the “nice” thing. When we feel as if we were pretty cool— that we were nice, generous and kind —and that we didn’t get treated in the way we thought that we should be treated, we feel that the least that person can do for us is be nice to us. Be our friend. Make it easy for us to be civil. And, of course, not everyone plays ball.
Two questions: Why now? And, what are you hoping will happen?
- Why now? Very often, an aspect of their life is a source of frustration. They feel out of control. It’s like “There’s only so many fires I can have, so many fallouts; there’s only so many things I can have that are bothering me. So I know: let me move along the line and reach out to that ex so that that’s one less fire, one less conflict, one less discomfort that I have going on.
- If we’re hoping for a particular outcome, we’re likely to be attached to it. It’s worth considering whether we will be OK with doing what we’re about to do if we’re not going to get what we [secretly] want.
Sometimes reaching out to an ex is about confirming that they haven’t changed.
- Sometimes reaching out to an ex is about confirming that they haven’t changed.
- Intentions: Knowing why we do what we do.
- Knowing why we do what we do helps us to have more successful outcomes. It helps to avert us from going down well-worn paths that we know don’t serve us. Recognising our intentions helps us to step back into integrity and listen to our inner voice.
Often what drives us to check up on people on our social networks or to reach out, is not wanting to feel irrelevant. It’s like, “How can you be OK with us not being in touch? How can you be OK with me not being OK? Why are you OK with unfinished business?” We want to be relevant.
- Do you want to get back together, make peace or smooth the way, or do you want to win?
Links mentioned
- Baggage Reclaim Meetup in San Francisco, Thursday 20th December 2018, 5.30-7.30pm at Samover Tea Lounge, 730 Howard Street, San Francisco, CA 94103
- Are you sabotaging yourself by not allowing you to be happy?
- The No Contact Rule
- Wholehearted giving: If you feel bad while (or after) you give, it’s not giving
- Getting grounded about intuition and anxiety
- About wishing your ex a happy birthday
- The disappointment cycle
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Every one in a while I dream about this woman who strung me along for years in college and it messes me up for the rest of the day. She was “the one that got away” but never let us have an official relationship. I want to know why she would do that to me, and part of me wants to ask, but I’ve been doing no contact for years.
How could this girl who told me she loved me but could never commit now be married? Why did she keep trying to contact me after? I know I was crazier about her than anyone and totally idolized her just because of the chase. So now I think she represents passion and love in my head (as illogical as that should be). She provided the opposite of a satisfying relationship. So what’s the deal? Help me before I lose my mind and ask her these things.
Hi R, I think that this is one of those experiences that teaches you to acknowledge where you don’t have agency in your life, so a sense of feeling that you have at least *some* influence over your circumstances and that you make choices. That doesn’t mean that she didn’t mess you around but the situation also reflects your indecision. She was put in charge of what did and didn’t happen. But if she wasn’t going to “let” you have a relationship and that’s what you wanted, you needed to call time on things. And she didn’t *have* to commit at that point because she still had access to a relationship with you regardless. Your relationship reflects your respective emotional states at that time. Things move on. That doesn’t mean that she is ‘better’ now but one of the next phases in her journey is being marred and possibly making a right mess out of the whole thing. Pursuit and passion aren’t love; they’re intensity and romance. You both got high off the chase but had no interest in intimacy. Also, keep in mind that someone *wanting* you isn’t the same as loving you. They can want you…. but they don’t have the commitment to take it any further. She liked the feeling of owning you and after a while, because you made it clear that you wanted her, t was as good as having you. Instead of querying what she was doing, examine why you were making your choices. That is where you will gain freedom from this. Chasing is the beginning. If you want a relationship, you will have to go way deeper.
Hi Natalie. Absolutely loved this one. I listened to it while doing the ironing ( handy multi tasking in action) and will admit to squirming during certain parts. I did the whole reaching out to an ex thing a few months ago- I told myself it would make things easier if we were on friendly terms as I still have to see him every week as we attend the same dance class. After 6 months of no contact I started a friendly conversation with the underlying intention of showing him what a lovely person I am and how much he was missing out. The whole thing backfired on me when it became apparent that the very young lady who had been surgically attached to his ass for the past few weeks and was standing there while we had our conversation was actually his new girlfriend- awkward! All I can say is that it set me back a long way- back to Facebook stalking, panic attacks and all of my long suffering friends had to listen to me rant and relive the break up again.
On the plus side I have now had a reality check and dont want anything to do with him now. He’s certainly off the xmas card list!
Claire, thanks so much for sharing. It was a temporary setback that did the job of getting you grounded in reality. It’s amazing how much energy we invest in worrying about making nice and what we think is this massive awkwardness — and then life shows us that we’re off base.
Hi. I’m a 35yr old guy who has been in a whirlwind relationship of love and intimacy for 8 months with someone incredible. Our parents met and it was all going positively towards being together forever. But I have been weak. I have lied about this big secret.
My ex contacted me 4 months in wanting to get back in my life and enticed me with sexual messages and images. She knew I was in a relationship but lured me back into a world where she bullied and manipulated me for the 9 months we were together. I gave in and have failed. We sext sporadically on about 5 occasions past 4 months. It was purely sexual gratification as a version of porn for me. We never met just messaged etc. I knew it was wrong but still carried on in secrecy hoping it would go away. A cheap thrill. She knew we wouldn’t ever get back together but head fucked both of us and lured me in.
Turns out the world is small and my ex decided to leak the convo to her friend who in fact leaked to the brother of my current girlfriend. She confronted me and I told her everything, albeit drip fed over an emotional 2hr conversation. Confession. She walked out of the car. I have broken her heart and trust. I’ve never ever done anything like this to anyone ever before and I feel so guilty. In hindsight I can’t understand why I couldn’t stop myself as it was a power trip over my ex and she was my own version of secret porn fix.
I have apologised profusely over message, accepted my mistakes of disloyalty. I know she is angry confused and betrayed. Her siblings know the details of everything and its messed up. I and deeply sorry for hurting her, causing the pain and anguish and heartache. Im willing to do anything to someday make her smile again if she thinks our relationship is worth salvaging and offers me a second chance.
Ive done some deep soul searching last 2 weeks. We’ve pretty much had NC past week whilst she’s away on holiday with family. I’ve sought professional help via a counsellor to understand my behaviour and affiliation of control and porn which led me to continually lie about this and let it carry on. I’ve been found out and deeply ashamed and willing to do anything to slowly rebuild that trust again.
Lost. Angry. Hurting. I made a mistake. A huge one I will deeply regret until my last dying breathe. She is an incredible woman and it took for me to get caught to see what was at stake. I know I only want her in my life forever as my future wife. How can I start to fix this? I’ve never opened up about my feelings this way. In fact I’ve never really talked about the trauma of previous relationships etc. It’s all interlinked with insecurity and turned tables of power. Ultimately I’ve hurt the only woman I’ve ever truly loved. Made a huge mess and don’t know what I should do anymore.
It hurts so much. Please help and guide me so I can figure out a path.
I messaged this morning to wish her a merry Christmas and enjoyable time with family. I told her I miss her so much.
It’s been read but there has been no response. I know she’s hurting. I know she’s angry. I dodn’t really expect a response but I wanted to let her know that I’m not being cold and distant. That I’m offering to give her space but still thinking of her.
I don’t know where we stand right now. She has not explicitly said it’s over but from our last conversation where I told her my sins, which she knew most of but wanted me to confess, there has been a severe claw back in style of message exchanges. I’ve assumed she wants the space and tried to offer it to her. But she’s questioned, is that what you are trying to do generally, give me space etc.
I messed up so bad. Only she can decide our fate now. My heart drops beats every minute and I feel totally helpless knowing she’s hurting but not being in her life and able to comfort her.
Hi Guilty Man. It’s understandable that your girlfriend wants space from you given the circumstances. You’re experiencing a very painful wake-up call that’s unravelled anger, control and objectification that’s been hidden beneath the surface, and I think that you’re doing the right thing by taking the time to understand what’s driven your behaviour. You also have to be careful of wanting your girlfriend for the wrong reasons. That’s not to say that you don’t care about her but you need to ensure that if you go on the ‘win back campaign’, that you do actually want her and the relationship. Sometimes we feel this intense desire after being caught because we’re out of control and don’t like how we look. We suddenly realise how good we had it. And you have to take full responsibility for your actions because as much as she may have “lured” you, you were a full participant. You self-sabotaged for some reason, and maybe deep down you don’t feel worthy of this kind of relationship and are avoiding commitment. Whatever it is, take the time to do the work, accept full responsibility and no doubt at some point you and your girlfriend will speak.
I’m struggling this Christmas. My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me a month ago, did the “let’s be friends eventually” line, and cut off all contact. I have not contacted him and have avoided Facebook stocking by unfollowing him and any mutual friends on Facebook so I don’t accidentally see pictures of him happy, which happened once a few days ago and sent me into a total mental breakdown. But… he still haunts my Facebook stories. He doesnt like pictures or anything, but he always looks. So I’ve tried to post myself having fun and doing stuff to look like I’m doing my best to move on, even though i’m a horrible wreck that wants him back so bad I could, and do, scream. I want so bad to believe he’s going to change his mind, even if intellectually I know the chances of that are probably slim.
Reading this blog made me realize that I’m living my life with one foot in the door, leaving it ajar hoping he’ll change his mind and come back and try again. After a month of him silently haunting me I know I’ve hamstrung my progress by obsessing over him. I want him back so bad but I eventually have to accept it wont happen. I can’t heal.
My plan for the new year, unless he messages me (which won’t happen), is to take all of the things of his I can no longer stand to have (which I moved out of my room the day after he dumped me), put them in a box, and drop them at his house with a letter explaining that I can’t be friends. I am still deeply in love with him and want an actual relationship, but if he doesn’t then there’s nothing I can do and i have to separate from him completely. Just friends doesnt work. I miss and love him but can’t live with him as a shadow in my life. I’m so scared of doing this because I’m scared of closing the door forever. Scared of losing any chance at reconciliation or getting back together. I don’t know if I can actually go through with it or if it’s a good idea to be so direct. I’m just so tired of being sad.
You can’t go from 18-month relationship to dumped, to straight into friendship. If he feels bad about breaking it off, that’s his feelings to deal with. It’s not your job to prop up his ego while ignoring your feelings. You will hate yourself and cause you a great deal of pain if you continue engaging with him. I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I know you want him back, but if he doesn’t want a relationship, it’s time to start asking what you’re not seeing about him and this situation. Reconciliation won’t come off the back of putting your life on hold. He has already closed the door and he has no right to expect to have access to you. Accepting that the relationship is over is undoubtedly painful, but it is the path to healing and working out what you really want. Sadness will be a mainstay as long as you believe that you can’t survive without him and this relationship. That’s not true. Don’t allow this man to keep toying with you.
Hi Natalie – Thank you for being the voice of reason in my life. I had been considering reaching out to a man I dated briefly over the summer. I know I don’t want any kind of relationship with him because I believe he lacks integrity and our values don’t align. However, at the time I called it off he was dealing with some health issues and so I’ve been feeling a little guilty about that. I now realize that I just wanted to look like the “good guy” by checking on how he was feeling. Instead of worrying about what he thought of my timing I will be content knowing I did the right thing by ending things when I did.
Happy New Year, Stephanie. Well done on becoming acquainted with your truth. The ego wants to get back in touch with him, not you. It’s OK that you ended it when you did. The timing often isn’t “ideal”, but the truth is, he would also have hated it if you’d continued the relationship out of pity or trying to look like the dutiful girlfriend.
Hi, Natalie,
I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed your books and what a powerful, truthful article this post was! After reading so many of your articles I felt so compelled to tell my story because I related so much with this post.
After a year-long toxic, off (of me) and on (someone else) relationship. Yes, that’s what off and on relationship really means with an assclown!
To make a very long story short I recently step backwards after 6 months of NC. During that time, I read you’re book NC like a bible almost every day! After the first month, of NC I was strong and ready to reclaim my life! After the second month, I went back online dating and even tried to change it up a bit, and go outside to meet someone in real life.
You see, with the new knowledge, and remembering myself worth I started to spot all assclowns a mile away! I swore to myself before I would allow myself once again to become some else’s option I would just stop dating altogether! After the fifth month, I went on far too many bad dates, and I started to feel depressed.
The mind is an incredible organ, and I allowed myself to look past all off worst experiences I had with him. I started to miss him, think about him every day. Comparing him to a couple of men I dated blah blah.. I stopped thinking about all the bad things he said to me, the way he treated me and started thinking about all the good time’s. I didn’t talk to my friends because I knew they would talk me out of what I was thinking of doing.
I made it to the sixth month and reached out to the assclown! And yes he was very surprised to hear from me! We texted and talked on a phone for a couple of days and then he wanted to see me. I was so excited! I thought to myself WOW this could be it NC really worked and we can finally move forward, and be together!
The night I met him started off fun just like old times! We went to dinner and then everything changed and we started to talk seriously about us. He told me how much he missed me, and how much he thought about me. He asked me what I wanted? I told him a wanted to stop playing the childish games and let’s try to move forward! He turned to me and said he has to think about that? I asked him what he wanted? He said he really liked the way we had it in the past. Then he asked me what coloured panties did I have on? DAMNIT, it took every willpower I had inside of me to keep calm. He walked me to my car and asked if we can fool around a bit in my car or go back to his place?
I looked at him smiled and said: being with you this evening made we realize how immature you really are! How disappointing, and if I ever lose myself worth again, and don’t mind being an option for you I will call you! His facial expression was priceless!
I remember in your book NC you stated (paraphrasing here). If you fall off the NC and you are further along in the process you may see that person in a different way. That was so true and I did! This isn’t about that assclown but me finding my self-worth and moving forward!
Hopefully, after some, your readers see my story they will understand why having NC during the holidays and beyond is necessary for you to keep moving forward with your lives!
Your new friend from across the pond!
Hi Natalie! I think you’re amazing! Quite recently have actually struggled with this very thing! Using your method of writing an “unsent letter” I was able to avoid reaching out and dig deeper into my own motivations behind contacting an ex. I think writing and journaling your feelings about an ex is a brilliant way to get things off your chest with less risk of falling off the wagon and making a potentially dangerous mistake. It is so true that our ego needs to be stroked and it’s our ego that does not want to be forgotten by an ex, no matter how badly things may have ended or how badly they treated us. It’s insane to me that I still think about this same a-hole, even though I know there is no changing him. A friend of mine will often taunt me for continuing to bring him up in conversation. He should lose all relevancy the way I did to him, but my battered ego won’t let it go. It’s been 7 years of this, and I want to finally be able to let go. I am walking into 2019 hopeful that this is the year of forgiving, not forgetting, but still forging ahead.
Me: 13 years total knowing each other, 7 of them in an intimate relationship. Ended it in August. I did NOT wish him anything this holiday season. NOR did I reach out in September for his birthday–( I waffled a bit in my mind on his birthday but decided to remain silent.) At Christmas, the idea of wishing him anything barely crossed my mind. Am very pleased with myself. Recently, he started dropping a crumb of a comment on my Facebook every now and then, (he never uses FB in any way, so I have been somewhat amused that after a decade of having a “dead” FB account, he’s doing that). I decided not to acknowledge. Now that the holidays are over, and I’ve posted wonderful, gorgeous photos of me having great fun, I’ve decided I will block him. He doesn’t deserve a passive window into my life. And I no longer feel the need to, in the back of my mind, think “ha, look how good my life is!!” I think I still need a few more weeks of reading this site before I do that though, and I’m ok with that. I’m in a good place, but I know when I do block him, it’s really final. I think my problem is… when I “disappear”, the only way for him to “find me” is if he calls or emails. It’s like… oh god, what if he does…and oh god, what if he doesn’t. I don’t want either! Roll on 2019!