It’s that time of year when I get a lot of people asking me questions like “Should I wish my ex a merry Christmas?” and “Is it a bad idea to break No Contact to wish my ex a happy Christmas/birthday/New Year?” On this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I tackle this dilemma. Whatever you opt to do, do it from a place of love, care, trust and respect. Scroll to the bottom for details of my upcoming meetup in San Francisco.

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Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Good Girls (and Guys) don’t want to be seen as not doing the “nice” thing. When we feel as if we were pretty cool— that we were nice, generous and kind —and that we didn’t get treated in the way we thought that we should be treated, we feel that the least that person can do for us is be nice to us. Be our friend. Make it easy for us to be civil. And, of course, not everyone plays ball.

Two questions: Why now? And, what are you hoping will happen?

  • Why now? Very often, an aspect of their life is a source of frustration. They feel out of control. It’s like “There’s only so many fires I can have, so many fallouts; there’s only so many things I can have that are bothering me. So I know: let me move along the line and reach out to that ex so that that’s one less fire, one less conflict, one less discomfort that I have going on.
  • If we’re hoping for a particular outcome, we’re likely to be attached to it. It’s worth considering whether we will be OK with doing what we’re about to do if we’re not going to get what we [secretly] want.

Sometimes reaching out to an ex is about confirming that they haven’t changed.

  • Sometimes reaching out to an ex is about confirming that they haven’t changed.
  • Intentions: Knowing why we do what we do.
  • Knowing why we do what we do helps us to have more successful outcomes. It helps to avert us from going down well-worn paths that we know don’t serve us. Recognising our intentions helps us to step back into integrity and listen to our inner voice.

Often what drives us to check up on people on our social networks or to reach out, is not wanting to feel irrelevant. It’s like, “How can you be OK with us not being in touch? How can you be OK with me not being OK? Why are you OK with unfinished business?” We want to be relevant.

  • Do you want to get back together, make peace or smooth the way, or do you want to win?

Links mentioned

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The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast with Natalie Lue

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