Tags: rejection, Rejection sensitivity
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If you’ve ever experienced rejection and thought, I can’t believe that YOU don’t want ME, this episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is for you.
I talk about five typical scenarios where this mentality shows up, including:
- When we actually know that we have dropped our standards and so feel rejected because if someone who is shady doesn’t want us, we think that it says something about our worthiness as a person
- When we feel as if we’re putting so much of us out there and were secretly hoping that we could have the fairy tale where we decide to make a change and think everything should go our way on our first try
- When we on some level recognise that the person who we feel turned down by is similar to a parent/caregiver or someone else who is significant from our earlier life and so it feels extra wounding
I also talk about:
- Why the all-or-nothing mentality accentuates the pain we feel from rejection
- Why the person who rejects us the most is, well, us
- Why rejection is always going to be a deep source of pain if we never say no ourselves, or have boundaries, or in fact, own our right to choose and be discerning
- Why we have to recognise that if we want, for example, commitment, consistency, intimacy and the person we want doesn’t, then, of course, we’re going to experience rejection, but it’s not us they’re rejecting–they’re turning down doing the things that they don’t want to do
Links mentioned in the episode
- Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
- How our perceived entitlement to what we want is keeping us stuck and why we need to challenge what we believe we’re owed
- Blind Spots Block The Relationship You Want
- Whose Moral Compass Are You? The Conscience Wingman
- Episode 84 where I talk about discernment
- You’re Not The Only One Who’s Afraid of Rejection
- Perspective Takes The Sting Out Of Rejection: It’s Broken, You’re Not
- Quit Seeking A ‘ Rejection Retraction’
- Advice Wednesday: Why Do I Have A Pattern of Valuing People Who Don’t Value Me?
Next stop
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Thank you for the podcast Nat. It came just when I man I have been dating for a few months told me his feelings weren’t growing. I was hurt but needed to be respectful that he was honest. He didn’t treat me bad, didn’t cheat and was only loving towards me. I guess that is what is bittersweet. To have this connection (or what I thought was a connection), in return wasn’t mentally stimulating for him. I can’t hate him but do doubt, what is wrong with me? I turned out to be the nice girl he didn’t know how to break up with but I ended saying, I don’t want to be an option but a choice. I miss his tenderly touches and considerate personality but know that I can’t force him to be with me.
There is that expression, it’s easier to hang on then to let go and it’s true. I could have been naive or ignore that fact he wasn’t really into me to just have the small hope he would change his mind. But it takes more strength to let go and find someone who will return my love. Because I know I am a great catch. Just frustrating that I have to start all over again and wonder, will I find that one to give me butterflies again.
When I was a teen I loved the movie (500) Days of Summer. I used to relate so much to the lead Charater Tom who was a love obsessed sorta depressed guy who’s life was at a stand still. When I watched his heart get broken I felt his pain and hated the girl who broke it.
Years later after reading several different perspectives of the character Tom and watching it again I realized I was exactly like Tom in that I was obsessed with love to the point I projected fantasies on the guy I was “sooo in love” with.
I look back on it and realize he didn’t actually reject me but forewarned me that he didn’t want a relationship because in his words I deserved better abs he would be a bad boyfriend. That’s a clear sign to stop but I did not. I hated him for not loving me and giving me what I wanted. I developed a deep depression and horrible self esteem over what I took as a rejection of me. Why wasn’t I good enough? I went back and forth with this guy for years and everytime he said the same thing “I care about you and have feelings for you just not ready for a relationship.”
The rejection started not by those words but when I chose to ignore it and continue to pursue the fantasy of him falling for me above all. I wasn’t a good person at that time. And it didn’t make me a good person to expect him to change and do backflips to fulfill my fantasy of love.
I realize that now. And that realization alone has helped change my perspective on the way I approached dating. I was a Tom. Don’t be a Tom. But, if you find yourself being a Tom learn and grow from it. Love in reality is better than the fantasy in your mind of the person who’s completely wrong for you.
This really hit home for me… One of the reasons it was so hard for me to let go of the toxic EUM that I was involved with for two years (who wanted all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment) was because I couldn’t believe that he didn’t want to commit to me. I thought “I’m so amazing and interesting, attractive and intelligent, empathic, full of integrity, trustworthy, and everything that he ever could want in a woman, so how can HE not want a relationship with ME?”… Which upon reflection is pretty self-absorbed and arrogant. But I had never fallen for a man who was emotionally unavailable yet unattached, and I didn’t understand how someone that was so attracted to me, and claimed that he admired me and wanted to be close, and “never lose me”, didn’t actually want a relationship with me. If he wanted to act like we were together and do things that people in relationships do, why didn’t he want the commitment? Why was he always so “confused”? And yes, part of it was that his commitment resistance covered up my commitment resistance and made me think that I wanted a commitment, that in reality, I probably wasn’t actually available for anyways. Although I sort of acknowledged this contradiction at the time, my desire for love from a reluctant source (I know now this is a childhood wound) over-ruled. It was “safe”, and allowed me to explore a “relationship” without feeling trapped and smothered (like I have in every other committed relationship I’ve had).
I saw that this man was very wounded and afraid of intimacy (just like me), but naively thought that these were things that could be overcome once he saw how valuable I was. Clearly I projected my own woundedness, fear of intimacy, and MY OWN potential onto him. And of course he really did have some beautiful and unique qualities that I valued and didn’t want to let go of… But the fact still remained that this man was miserable and loathed himself, and in hindsight, was definitely not mentally or emotionally available for a relationship. He definitely did not have the desire for introspection and healing that I do. And I confused his admiration and attraction, and his wanting attention from me as love. I overestimated his capacity and/or willingness to realize the potential that I saw in him (and myself).
I see now that I was not truly listening to or seeing him, loving him or respecting him. That I was actually being selfish and disrespectful by projecting my vision onto him and expecting him to be someone other than who he actually was. Looking back, it is clear that I was in a hard spot myself, recovering from a trauma still, and trying to heal some deep wounds, which this relationship exposed.
Funny enough, even though he is no longer part of my life, I do feel like I see this man for who he is now, I accept him, and I am able to love him just the way he is.. From a good, safe distance. He helped expose one of my deepest wounds, and while it caused me incredible pain, I’m in the process of healing. And I am grateful for everything that I’ve experienced because it makes me who I am. And of course it doesn’t excuse his poor behavior towards me, his selfishness, blowing hot and cold, the way he strung me along, drip-fed me information, etc, but it does highlight that I was part of the problem as well, and that it is possible to love imperfect people, and to not need to be in relationship with them. Love and relationships can exist separately.
I do still grieve for myself because of what I put up with being treated poorly, but I no longer feel the need to demonize him or tear him down. He’s an imperfect person with many deep wounds that prevent him from being available for a mutual relationship, just like I’ve been myself. Even the lack of empathy, the selfishness, and disregard for my feelings… Those are all protective measures against intimacy. He’s created his own hell, and I feel for him. And I am also grateful for my own strength and integrity, and choice to break free from him, because it was hell for me as well. Yes, I have understanding and compassion for him, but my priority now is really focusing on myself and doing right by me.
It was just so hard for me to accept the “rejection” for a long time, because I made it all about me and my worth, instead of having the self-confidence and believe in my own potential and value to know that it was never about me, it was about him and his own relational capacity. And my experience of being rejected went waaaaay deeper than him. I am making a huge effort to work on this, so that next time someone doesn’t want me, or isn’t able or willing to step up in the way that I need, that I don’t make it about my worth as a person. And so that I am actually available for a secure, mutually fulfilling relationship at some point. Thank you for all of the wonderful insights, Natalie! It really helps to see my experience shared and mirrored by you and so many other people.
Yes! Thank you! I really needed this blog. I just came out of a 6 year relationship and this was by far the most toxic relationship I’ve ever been in. When I met my ex, he had just ended his previous relationship. He called his ex crazy and psycho. According to him she cheated on him and ofcourse I pitied him. The first six months were very, very intense. I thought I’d found the love of my life and I was totally invested. Then I found out he had financial debts, a drug and alcohol addiction and that he was lying about some other things.
Red flags all over the place but instead of running away, I felt the need to rescue him. When he got kicked out of his house after 1 year due to unemployment and not paying his rent, he moved in with me (what was I thinking!?).
So the first 5 months I paid for literally everything. Gas, groceries, clothes, furniture. Then I finally found a job for him (because I applied for him) so he was finally able to pay off his debts. Then we turned into a workaholic. While I was trying to build him up, he distanced himself more and more, making sure I knew I was very low on his list of priorities, up until the point that we lived completely separate lives. Ofcourse everything was always my fault whenever I confronted him with his behavior and his lack of responsibility.
Eventually I found out that he cheated on me multiple times and that he left me for the last woman he cheated on me with. She’s paying off his debts now. I’m completely mindblown and wondering how he gets women to do this every single time.
I’m in therapy right now because I want to take full responsibility for taking it this far. While I’m typing this I realize how crazy this all sounds. Still I’m left wondering whether he will change for his current girlfriend or that we were just not a good fit.
So glad to have found this site. I have had my head turned by a man for the past two and a half years. We made intense eye contact and have serious chemistry. We are both married so I am not sure why this has happened as I felt that I was happily married until this point. This man compliments me to the extreme. Always tells me I’m beautiful and gorgeous and pretty etc. Lots of staring at my face and figure. Also compares me to his wife all the time (favourably). Says I make him nervous. I have fallen for this flattery to the point that I have thought that I am in love. I think I’m grateful and blind sided by the attention and I do like him. It has never progressed further as we see each other sporadically- always on his terms. However there are a lot of red flags. He lies a lot and so obviously. When we talk it’s always about him and his life, nearly always about his parental connections and wealth/status. Very self centred and narcissistic. I have had experience of being rejected by this type of person before and I am wondering why I’m again drawn to someone who has so many issues and is EU but is trying to draw me in. He is using me for something but I just can’t work out what and why?
Wow! This was really helpful! A few months ago my partner of four years told me after a tough 6 months that his feelings for me were different and he no longer got “butterflies” with me. This was after only a few weeks before when he thought we might be ending that he went crazy about not losing me.
How does someone flip flop that quick?
I felt so rejected and him basically saying I am suddenly not good enough anymore.
I’ve been so broken-hearted. Thank you Natalie. This was so helpful.