I on some level hoped to activate their conscience so that they they would meet my needs, because like so many people I’ve come across through the blog over the years, I didn’t know any other way how.
When my efforts made no real difference and even led to criticism, I then used this multifaceted role, which included being over-responsible, having to be perfect, having to achieve but also to a particular standard to set an example to my siblings and to also fly the flag, as well as being fixer etc, to make myself purposeful by being a conscience wingman.
‘Don’t have a conscience? No problem! I’ll live it for you!’
This meant that while I hoped they (and later boyfriends) would change, I was thinking that at least I’d be useful in having the job of knowing what was right and wrong and so effectively, I’d get to right the wrongs of their past and in turn be free to move on and be me. I’ve been that quintessential over-responsible child as well as adult, who thought it was my job to keep everyone ‘safe’.
As I turned this idea of being someone’s conscience over in my mind, I was struck by this mental picture of a multitude of Reclaimers who in their efforts to please, have acted as the guide to other people’s behaviour, often going out with at best, narcissistically inclined folk and at worst, full-blown narcissists, who lacked empathy.
Just in case there’s any doubt, we need to be able to empathise to have a conscience that’s in good working order. This is different, of course, to over-empathy, which is over-feeling because we get a bit carried away with putting ourselves in someone else’s position and assume too much while forgetting ourselves.
I hear from some pretty amazing people who you would think they had it all going on. They’re talented, have friends, are respected in their jobs/fields or are running businesses; they change lives, are raising or have raised children, are really intelligent, creative, are on thought-provoking spiritual journeys, devoted to their family, have a hell of a lot to give, and the list goes on.
Then you look at their toxic relationship(s) and it’s chaos.
These people often wouldn’t dream of screwing someone over and yet, they’re deeply involved with someone who lacks integrity.
They’re in some form of appalling situation that is so at odds with their own true values and yet they feel an overwhelming connection that activates them into a pattern that eventually brings them to their knees.
They’re completely dazzled by a charmer who built them up, promised them the world, gave them crumbs instead, and then chopped them down, leaving them feeling naked, abandoned and lost. Or, they’re so eager to please someone at all costs that they haven’t stopped to think about why they’re behaving in this way or the cost to their wellbeing. It feels grossly unfair because they’ve had a conscience and it’s appearing as if it’s not getting them anywhere.
When we’re in these situations, it’s as if we don’t know our up from our down, so we know what we would do, and we have a strong sense of what is right and wrong and what feels good and not so good, and yet we’re destabilised by the fact that this person does not roll how we roll.
We, because of our habit of being the conscience wingman, don’t think to ourselves, ‘Wait just a feckin’ second. You mean to tell me that I’ve just damn near busted myself up for this person and they don’t give two hoots? Right, they need to jog on and I need to buck up on my ideas so that I don’t allow myself to be taken liberties with‘. No– we think, ‘What is wrong with me? How could they in all of their charming but non-empathetic and self-serving glory, not see all that I’m doing and all that I’ve done and not want to spontaneously combust into a better person?’
The truth is, someone who shares a similar moral outlook, shares it, and those who don’t, don’t.
It’s a question of values and that affects character, attitude and ultimately what floats someone’s boat in terms of choices. I know we want to make it more complicated than that (and we can if we want to) but basically, they’re different. That’s it.
We can’t force a conscience upon someone and it’s not as if we can build an internal overflow and transmit it to others, otherwise the people pleasers off this world would surely have cancelled out the collective lack of empathy and guilt in the world, many times over.
They do not share our moral outlook and despite the fact that we are older, technically wiser, and in fact are no longer that kid anymore and so don’t have to put up with anything that isn’t in alignment with our highest self, when we still have this tunnel vision about winning someone over and being validated, we are wounded to the core that this person will not budge, will not change, and in fact, is completely undettered by our efforts to please.
It speaks to our deepest wound because we don’t want to be stuck in this role forever, a role, incidentally, that involves us never really having our needs met and always having to be the conscience wingman. It’s a lot of bloody responsibility and bearing in mind that we may have been doing it for most of our lives, it’s actually exhausting. It’s like having lived a few people’s lives in terms of conscience and all without having lived our life.
Add to it what might be not getting an apology, an explanation, and basically any level of acknowledgement that what they’re doing is below even reasonable, general expectation and it can feel like we’re being invalidated all over again if this is what we experienced when we were younger.
Accepting that we’re not going to be able to right the wrongs of the past means accepting the original person for who they are and were.
When we recognise that there are similarities between this person who is hurting us in the present and either the person who inspired our pattern (e.g. a parent) or that there’s certainly a similarity with how we felt and acted in a certain dynamic in the past, it can feel very wounding to accept this person because we don’t want to see them in this way. We don’t want the dream to be over even though letting go can become the start of letting go of all the pain associated with doing this ‘job’.
If you’ve been involved with someone who it just doesn’t make sense beyond some seeming good points, as to why you would be involved with them when you consider the full picture, including everything you go through, who they are in full including the unworkable aspects, and ultimately the fact that you’re in something that isn’t in alignment with you, this is a good time to check about where you learned to be ‘good’.
It’s time to ask yourself: Why would it be appealing, familiar and even normal to me to be a conscience wingman? This is an opportunity to compassionately enquire into past experiences that have contributed to your pattern of conducting yourself in a certain way even when it means sheltering someone else from their natural consequences and causing you harm. You might be trying to make up for something that isn’t yours to compensate for and you’re also falling on your sword in your quest. Compassionately consider the ways in which it has influenced you to relate in your relationships and how you treat yourself, and zone in on anything that’s blocking love, care, trust and respect. Making this connection with your past will bring awareness to what might feel like the madness of a present-day situation and ultimately allow you to apply your conscience to finally doing right by you.
Take care of you.
Your thoughts?
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Once again you read my mind at a time I need it! Thank you and bless you! I’ve said it once and I mean it… you are an earth Angel ???? thank you!
I feel the same way. Nat truly is a goddess; I’m so grateful for her insights and compassion. I have been in this position and now thanks to reading BR and suffering much too much, getting used to this and losing myself in the process I will never be there again.
Nat writes about women over-explaining and this is the key message here: never ever ‘teach’ a grown man how he should behave (he knows). And often is laughing at you wasting all those words on him, while doing nothing to protect yourself – ie act in a way that is congruent with the words your spilling out on him. He can see this as you acting like a hypocrite, which is harsh but true.
If you really believed all those words about the right way to behave or be you wouldn’t be with him and accepting his cruelty.
This is a very rich and thought provoking article. It really gives me some critical questions to ask myself about a :friend” who says sarcastic comments about my personality…I caught myself feeling guilty because I never told her I don’t like this behavior, so she’s not aware, dI don’t really mean it, blah, blah. I considered explaining this to her in an effort to teach her kindness!!what crazy thinking is that!!”I so appreciate the revelation you shared that has changed my outlook!
No matter what I randomly stumble upon with your blog, it’s always EXACTLY what I needed at the time. Like Elaine said, “you read my mind”! You’re amazing. Thank you so much for everything!!!
Yet again another perfectly timed post.
Back in the day, this was me. If only I could get them to see their situation through my perspective, all will be good!
Hanging out with those who didn’t share my values and getting upset that I couldn’t convince them to change.
Wish this blog had been around 25 years ago.
Well timed article as always. I think you’re psychic!
This is 100% me, bending over backwards for people who just don’t share the same values. It is indeed exhausting and something I want to move on from.
Thanks for the post!
This is especially applicable to adult children of alcoholics. Even though I started binge drinking at 10 (feels so insane to write that), because I didn’t have as much access to alcohol as my father, I was mostly sober and so felt almost everything that my father sloughed off.
It reminds me so much of my last ex, I remember all the horrible anxiety I felt at all his pointless risky behaviors and how it was water off a duck’s back to him.
I remember he didn’t give a thought to going to jail for some of the things he did and wanted to do; I was terrified for him. And that was the problem (just like in childhood with my father); he should have been terrified for himself. And as an adult, I needed to have been terrified for me. And eventually, I was fearful enough for my future and well being to end the nonsense of pursuing chaos with him.
My deal breaker was when his friend disrespected a sacred place and abused authorities when questioned about it.
I stood by humiliated. It was in that moment I realized a decent man, let alone person, would understand that the world isn’t a trash can or pissing ground and respect themselves, as well as nature.
Though I felt I would die, I realized this man and his “best friend” had no active conscience (just like my father), and maybe, just maybe someday I’d deserve a man who did.
I was with my ex for 4 years. After a year, i found he was cheating on me. He pulled the Ross and Rachel (we were on a break excuse). Turns out 3 years later, he never stopped seeing the other woman. I only knew because I had a positive for an STD. Thankfully nothing serious a pill couldn’t help. After discovering this, I found out the other girl and told her to get tested. We had coffee and compared notes. Two months later, even after she said she would ignore him, I found out they are still talking. I’m not too phased since I warned her.
I blocked him for 2 months and out of curiosity, unblocked in. Within a week, I get a call from him in the middle of the night. I picked up without realizing who was calling for I was half asleep. After hearing dead silence, I looked at my caller ID to realized it was him. I hung up. He then text to apologize saying “it was an accident”. Ten minutes later, he calls again. I pressed declined. He calls again. I pressed declined and then block again.
When I found out that he was sleeping and carrying a relationship with two women for three years, I was in such disbelief. How can someone be so selfish? Not only the lies and decent when I told him time after time if he is seeing someone else to leave me alone, but to take my health in no regards. He is a sad person, who has no soul. I couldn’t sleep last night and miss him slightly but I will be strong. I was going to tell that the other woman that he is still missing me but realized I would get stuck into this toxic roller coaster. I need to just go the other way. We deserve someone who is going to cherish us. The silver lining I did meet someone who is inspired by my presence and wants to spoil me (not in the materialistic way but more affectionate ways). I need to give that a chance, a chance of positivity and no more doubts, lies and hurt. Wishing you all the strength to find what we deserve. xo
sammi,
Glad you got through the whole std thing ok. Been there (had a promiscuous partner some time ago). Was lucky dr caught it early in routine exam and mended with small procedure. It’s unfortunate with cheating, risky partners these things are not uncommon. Glad you got through it!
And you are so strong! So glad you blocked him; he sounds like he has a serious compulsion to risky behavior. Oh well! Not yours to sort out.
So happy you are with someone who treats you special! Yay. All the power and wondrous love to you.
xoxo
Thanks Silvercloud, I have good days and bad.. miss him sometimes but it’s nice to have distractions with work and a guy who seems to adore me. We will see how things will go and I’m travelling to next month and doing things for me. Ironically, I always wanted to travel with him but excuse after excuse. No more excuse and just doing things for me. All the best to you too. Great to have support from people far and away.
xoxo
Sammi,
I know exactly how you must have felt upon finding out that the AC had given you an STD because I’ve been there, except it was my husband that gave me one. We were married for 22 years & this happened early in our marriage. He didn’t admit & acknowledge that he had been unfaithful for another 10 years (yes, I stayed with him because of the kids). He would continually say it must have been me because he hadn’t done anything. I was devastated when I found out & to have him not even own up to what he had done, made it worse. I am so glad to be out of that marriage, but I do find that I have a pattern & have dated several EUMs & ACs since my divorce. I’m still on my journey of finding me, I guess. I’m happy that you were not affected long term, physically, by what the AC did & I hope that you will remind yourself of what he put you through if you ever feel the urge to ‘take him back’. Thank you NML for all of your awesome blog posts. They all speak to me & help me on my journey!!
Thanks Hopeful.
Sorry to hear about your ex husband. My ex never apologized or admits he did anything wrong. He still says it was my fault that I got the STD. I will never get an apology for his selfishness and he’s in such denial but that’s his problem. I found this great quote “I never knew how strong I was until to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.” I won’t let his problems tie my down. I still miss him from time to time but will move forward with this new guy and my upcoming travels. I know the missing is not the right kind and yes, when he called, I was happy but I also know I don’t want to be part of that toxic rollercoaster anymore. It won’t change.
Wishing you the best as well. xo
Hi Sammi,
I love the quote! Sure, he finally admitted that he had been unfaithful, but it was only because he could feel me slipping away & couldn’t stand the thought of his ‘comfort’ being disrupted. Immediately after he admitted it, he said ‘now, will you just get over it?’ Seriously! No, ‘please forgive me’ or ‘I really hurt you. I’m sorry’. I’m not sure how long it will take me to change my pattern, but I am continuously working on spotting the red flags. I. The meantime, I think I’ll just be single & happy. They say, that’s when you meet the right man, right? I’m happy that you are in a better place & seem to have attracted a good man. Can’t wait til I can tell that story 🙂
Wow! A very similar experience we’ve shared Sammi. The problem I had was wondering what it was the ‘ other girl ‘ had better than me instead of realising it was the man doing these destructive things that had the problem, the constant need for validation and acceptance.
I found out about the other girl afew months into buying a house together and my world was shattered. It’s hearting people go through similar situations and find peace on sights like these – men like these will never change and they’ll always be on the look out for the next best thing ( which doesn’t exist ) we are learning and educating ourselves so we can break the cycle and heal. Wishing you all the best x
Hey Saeah,
Must be hard when you were about to move with him. I met the other girl and actually felt sorry for her. She didn’t do as much as I did with my ex (i.e. travel, wedding, etc..) so that makes me feel better. But yes, it’s great to have this sisterhood but also disheartening to hear so many men can be that selfish. I do believe there are good men out there and we can’t let these selfish people get in our way of happiness.. with or without a man.. Wishing you the best as well. xo
It is very painful for me to admit, but my mom is/was narcissistically inclined. She was 17 when she had me and I am an only child. So definitely over responsible. I basically raised myself as it became evident she really was not interested in me or my life. I have spent most of my life trying to gain some sort of validation or approval from her. I can still feel myself regress back to a child role when I am around her. I have worked hard this past year changing how I interact with her and my behavior around her. I have worked hard to accept my childhood and understand how it has led me to the same toxic relationship but with different packages.
The ending of my last toxic relationship just a little over a year ago brought me to these very painful realizations. I spent 2 years raising his kids, caring for his mom who had Alzheimer’s, and basically running his household while also caring for my children and running my own household. Over responsible much?? He continued to take and take and I continued to give and give. He had me managing his household while he pursued a relationship on the side with a coworker through most of your relationship. I destroyed what little self esteem I had to gain even a little validation for him. But like NML has pointed out, you can’t will someone to have a conscious who doesn’t have one. I have circled back to still wanting validation from him (I have maintained no contact since I ended the relationship 1 year ago) that I meant something to him and our relationship meant something. Like spending most of my life wanting validation from my mom. While I have made progress, it has become clear to me I still need to work through some issues in relation to my mom and my childhood.
As an aside to comment on a previous post in relation to do guys who cheat stay with the woman who they cheat with. In my case, when I ended the relationship he became involved with the coworker he had been having a relationship with. He worked 4 hours away (so he could have a whole other life) so it was easy for him to have a relationship with her and keep me to manage his household. He somehow convinced her to move her and her son to where he lives. 2 months after she moved, a friend of mine said to me, “Hey, I saw your ex on Match.com”. That was in November. To my knowledge, he is still with her and still on Match.com. He will never change. That was also my lightbulb moment of, “Why do I still desire validation from such a low life, assclown, douche bag????”
They are different, it IS as simple as that.
I would like to clarify my language, he didn’t “have me do” anything. I chose to raise his kids and manage his household. I understand the reasons I chose to do what I did. I did it in hopes of a “payoff”. I am not a victim.
CLR,
Wow. Kind of in awe at your immeasurable strength, growth, and awareness. Congratulations on getting this far.
I grew up with the same kind of mother figure (grandmother who helped raise me), and I fell into the exact patterns you describe. Over giving. Over caring. Over understanding. Under responding to the reality of unhealthy people.
I think the relationship meant as much to him as he could inappropriately use you. I am sorry. I have been there, too. You were never weak, it’s just spill over from an inadequate parent. All the answers you need about that last relationship are within you. Take the focus off him. And you are doing so great!!
Take care xox
Silver cloud,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. You are so right that I need to take the focus off from him. My thoughts are shifting from his behavior to what my part was in the relationship and healing those childhood wounds inside of me. It is hard to heal those wounds from our parents, isn’t it? I am sorry you had a similiar childhood experience. I am worth the journey to loving myself and knowing I am a person of value. We all are worth it. I am thankful for this blog, all those who comment and share their stories, and the kind words offered.
Hugs
CLR,
It is incredibly difficult. Most humans spend an increasing amount of time avoiding the realities in and of their childhoods. It is perhaps the most painful thing. And I do also believe we and the ilk are certainly worth the work of working it out within ourselves and with those who offer support and are ready to heal.
Hugs to you as well fellow traveler 🙂
Silvercloud,
I forgot to mention how I loved your comment about “over giving, over caring, and over understanding, but under responding to the reality of unhealthy people.” It is so true. The capacity to rationalize shady, sometimes dangerous, behavior, but blind ourselves to the damaging effects to our self esteem and self worth. No more. I am not that person anymore.
Take care
CLR,
Get it gurl. Love it!!
Hi Nat. We’ve had a private email session regarding my narcissist pattern after 10 years of being in the desert and I have to admit despite your fabulous advise I went back again and again. Even begging at times for this validation. There is so much inner work I have to do by I’ve come to at least realize he is both my mother and my father. And this is a very deep deep core wound for me. Things culminated with him leaving in a huff in Xmas day right before dinner and shinning me for a week. Ofcourse it was my fault. Same story, different day. I reduced to friendship, etc and all the things you’ve written about 100 times until I actually disgusted myself to no end. As a physician, caretaker and horrible people pleasing codependent I’ve come to realize this was meant for me to experience to finally heal these wounds and th journey sucks. It every time I fall into chasing him again I’m reminded over and over and this convinces me it’s the universe and God showing me what I need to do. I’m spending time alone now. Not dating. Not focusing on the external but focusing on me and making my life joyful again… I’m sure I’ll have more setbacks. I’m hoping i finally have enough self esteem to never contact him again but that raging codependent wants desperately to save him from himself… it’s so sad. Anyway…. just wanted to thank you and all th ladies and gents here that share their stories to help everyone else heal. BR has been a savior for me in so many ways.
Great topic… I have spent 9 years going back and forth with a very EU, narcissistic , AC who lured me in slowly. He boosted my self esteem after I had two failed relationships in a row. Talk about putty in his hands… we actually became very close friends and he opened up to me about a lot of things in his past. It made me feel so bad for him, and I wanted to fix him. Code red! The more I saw the dark side and how broken he was, the more I thought I could change the way he was with me as well. If I fix him he will do this, he will act this way, he will blah blah.. NOPE. This man has his faults and he openly told me what they were and how he could not be the person I deserve. He wants to be the strong, handsome, caring, super hero man running to save me but that would take a commitment. His blowing hot and cold, no texting for a week, suddenly showing up talking about something HE wants to discuss — it’s all so self absorbed. I’ll never change any of this and that’s why I won’t commit to him. He can flirt all he wants, and the next girl, he will do the Same thing with. I used to get jealous when I saw he had a girl he was flirting with and trying to lure in because I hated to think he was going to treat her the way I should be treated. Not anymore. After reading posts here I understand how he isn’t flipping the script with others, he is a broken record and won’t change…. and I don’t have the energy or drive to even try with him. Life is 2 short.
Oh and p.s. If I had to say how often percentage wise I have helped him/been there for him and him for me … ha! He hides when I text him asking if he can help me with something, or go with me on a road trip where I don’t want to be solo… so I have stopped asking. He gets jumpy and randomly asks why he isn’t invited or how come we don’t hang out …. hang on I’ll grab a mirror for u sir.
Hey.. yeah this post is perfect timing. I’ve had a gentlemen that I have had feelings for , for about 7 years now. We have been friends only because he has a GF. He admits that I make his eyes sparkle and enjoys my friendship. It could be more but obviously we don’t want to get into anything deep. I have noticed that with him, he tends to disappear (like others have said), when he is frustrated, under stress, or just can’t deal with the world. He lives separately from his GF and is a truck driver so he is away a lot as well. When I do hear from him, it’s on his terms. He avoids conflict like the plague, avoids making plans with me for simple things, and even if he is in town, doesn’t text me back for a simple lunch date. This was not the way he used to be. Recently he was diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, and a social anxiety disorder. A lot of the reason he is a truck driver is because he can be alone and not answer to anyone . He likes to control his own destiny so to speak. When he shuts down I worry about him and always feel like he is turning this friendship into a toxic dump. He has no clue of how it makes me feel — yet I always pick up the phone when he calls from some little town to just say hi. I send texts that cheer him up, or so I think they do. I don’t hear back. I know I cannot change him at all, but maybe that’s why I get so upset. I’m frustrated with myself because I can’t seem to figure him out. I just want what’s best for him because I care , but it’s eating away at me.:( what would you all do? I don’t have a clue as to how his Gf deals with it.
I wouldn’t text a man to cheer him up when I get nothing back. Plus he has a gf – if any woman shd be cheering him up it’s her. You’re trying to play a gf role with a guy that is in a relationship and drives a truck for a living. He’s totally unavailable. I think you shd ask yourself why you are working so hard to have someone give you crumbs. It’s like you want to work extra hard to let someone tell you you don’t matter. And in response you say ‘I care about him so let me send him a text to cheer him up because only I uniquely understand his ptsd’. I said this to someone else earlier – your story seems to be ‘I give and give and get nothing in return’. It’s the ultimate martyr story. Why are you playing it? What’s your payoff to this? Where else in your life do you do this?
… if someone routinely ignored my texts I’d assume they’re too busy, not in the right mindset, don’t like texting or don’t like me. Based on the rest of their behavior I’d probably give up on them.
Hi Suki! I appreciate your response. Everything you said, I have run through my head thousands of times. I think the Florence nightingale part of me is trying to always be there for him, and feels bad that he has these issues. I haven’t given up on him in all of this time, but I’m seeing now that he really doesn’t give me anything but crumbs. To answer your question, the payoff is only a brief visit from him mayyyyyybe once every other month. It used to be every week when he would help me with projects around my place, or I would be the “bar” on the way home and we would enjoy a beer out on the lawn. Just a relaxing friendship. I asked him point blank at one point what’s changed with him, and he blew it off saying it’s not me, it’s him. Suki I am not disagreeing with anything you say, and I am also not denying that I have fallen for this man. He has feelings for me as well, and I think you are right about me trying to be the “gf” when I am not. He’s a big boy, he can handle his life and let his actual GF be there for him. I’ve always felt it was tough to be best friends with him because we enjoy sports, music, going places , but obviously it looks odd when we do this because we aren’t a couple. People assume. It’s selfish of me to get frustrated when he doesnt have time to come by and watch a game on tv and have a beer — I often wonder though… if I was one of his male friends would he have time? I have been with some of my girlfriends shopping or taking in a movie when he has texted me before, and I didn’t reply. I was busy and focused on having fun with them. Well you would have thought I had moved to the other side of the world. His texts rolled in like ocean waves during a storm because he couldn’t get ahold of me. Bottom line Suki, I’m sorting out that this man is self absorbed and EU. I can’t just have a regular friendship with him because it’s going to end up dragging me down more and more. It’s been tooooo long. I actually deleted his number this morning and feel that if he wants to talk to me, he can find me. One step at a time … time to love myself and let things go! Let those shoulders relax a little 🙂
I liked this post. The connections are subtle but one thing is clear – narcissists don’t just find reclaimers. We look for them. We replay old patterns with them. We are co-producers of our own relationships. In some ways that’s a depressing thought. Something about you will always ignite the interest of a narc or emotional vampire. On the other hand, exploring your patterns will help you avoid unworkable relationships. I’m now so emotionally healthy it’s disgusting. On the plus side I have better friends than before and I get along with anyone. I have less conflict in my life because I don’t take offense at most things and because I’m not taking bs from anyone. On the flip side – I’ll probably be single forever. I don’t see how this attitude really helps you get along with emotionally inauthentic men in their 30s. And so many people are inauthentic – women are too – I’m looking for a relationship with a guy. but – the silver lining is that I hope I can now identify healthy relationships and that this will help me find and keep them. Even if it takes a long time to find such a thing. To know what it might look like – how I would be in such a relationship – is itself a gift.
Bravo Suki! This is what I want!! This is the healthy place I want to be at with my life. More self esteem and love for myself. I want to be able to let things go and not get so hyped up about things while taking it all personally. How do you even begin to do that?? Cheers!
Oh, Nat, I needed this so much. Thank you.
I look back on past relationships now and realise that I’ve always been attracted to men I think I can fix, and obviously can’t. I have only come to realise this since since splitting up with my most recent ex EUM and finding BR.
BR really has been my saviour these past four months since he broke up with me via a text message, blocking me on everything, we haven’t spoken since. I’ve learnt about future faking, actions speaking louder than words, rebounds all things I should have know at 37 years of age! The relationship was five months of constant red flags and I didn’t even see them. I’m an intelligent woman, i don’t know why I was so blind to it all! But as I look back now it’s the way I allowed my boundaries to be dropped so easily because I thought I could fix him. He had a criminal past but had got out of that and built a successful business. Because he said he wanted a better life I thought I was the answer (past girlfriends had made a career out of claiming benefits. I have a good job, degree, own house, no debt etc). So I put up with his dodgy behaviour, unsavoury friends, recreational drug habit, dubious parenting – my moral compass was everywhere. I look back now and I don’t even recognise myself. The last six weeks of our relationship I was miserable, why didn’t I just walk out – because I thought it was just a phase, I thought he wanted to be a better version of himself, he just needed time. He talked the talked, but as I’ve since realised from BR there were no actions to back it.
A week after the break up text I learnt he was back with his ex. Back to a toxic relationship where they’ve both previously cheated, she’s dragged up four kids, made a career out of claiming benefits. But I guess that’s because it’s easier for him to be with her because she doesn’t question his behaviour, she doesn’t expect anything of him.
Despite all of this I’m struggling to get over him. Away from the subject of this post, I think the fact he did it by text really knocked me for six, along with the fact that he went back to her. The questions that play over and over in my head are Why couldn’t he end it face to face and Why her and not me?
I am so thankful to have found this blog though, I’ll be going into future relationships on red flag alert! 🙂
Natalie – I found this blog because of your ‘why did they go back to their toxic ex’ post. I’d love you to another on that subject so I can comment!
KitKat,
He didn’t end it face-to-face because he wanted to disrespect you. It was the only way he could do that, since you’re better than him in every way possible.
Why her and not you? Because he wants to feel superior to a woman, so he chose one he perceives as being ‘worse’ than him. Also he was unsuccessful in dragging you down to his level, so he went with someone familiar and likely easier to control. See also the way he broke up with you: a pathetic attempt to be the one in control of the end of it. He took away your voice by making it one-sided.
He’s a loser. You’re well-rid of him. He’s still a criminal and won’t change. (Illegal drug use is a crime!)
Thanks Crystal. I could fill a notebook with reasons I wouldn’t want to be with him. I definitely think it’s the text message break up that’s done my head in. I know it’s not technically ghosting, I like to call it spooking haha! But whatever it is, it’s brutal!
Hi KitKat,
As much as it sucks that he ended things the way he did, do you really think any other ending would have made you feel better? If he hadn’t broken it off, how much more time would you have wasted being miserable with this guy? And what if he had told you over the phone or to your face? Would you have wanted to hear him expand on what he perceived as your faults or listen to him extol the virtues of his loser ex? Maybe you would have had the chance to tell him off but based on his lifestyle it’s doubtful anything you said would have had an impact.
I’m not trying to minimize your pain over this rejection. I’m just concerned when you say you are ‘struggling to get over him’ that you are giving him too much power and too much credit. Instead you could be focusing on forgiving yourself for having fallen for such a loser and figuring out why you feel so angry over his rejection.
I kept a feelings journal after the demise of my last relationship and was surprised to learn how almost every feeling I had relating to my ex (and myself) was negative. I was angry at him for treating me badly; I was angry at myself for letting him. I resented him for not appreciating how much I had given him; I resented myself for giving so much to such a man. Over time I stopped dwelling on specific examples of his (and my) bad behavior. I have come to realize that they were all just symptoms of a dysfunctional relationship that I’m glad to be done with.
Sorry for the long post. I think what I’m trying to say is that any ending would likely have caused you to feel the way you are feeling now. Take care of yourself and accept that there was no pleasant way out of such a situation. Forgive yourself for getting involved with him in the first place and allow yourself to move on. The only power he has over you is the power you give him.
Thanks Stephanie, I’m going to take away that power and focus on forgiving myself!
Although I can see myself in this I don’t think digging through my past yet again would do very much in my case. My parents were complicated and definitely made me used to a certain low standard of behaviour but I remember knowing how they acted was wrong when I was only 13. I also went NC with both of my parents a few years ago, because there was no way to live a normal life and protect my self-esteem with my parents being a part in my life. And when I’m honest, I did miss the good points of my mom a tiny bit, (the BS she pulled will make me keep NC for life though LOL) but all the other assholes I ran into through the course of my life, nah. Not even a tiny bit. I’m just so happy to tell someone to run when I don’t feel comfortable being around them. I don’t think I neccessarily unconsciously choose those assholes, I think there are just too much of them and they choose me, because it’s obvious I’m a happy-go-lucky with a lot of empathy. I don’t really see the point in acting differently to how I normally do, because that would be incredibly exhausting and man, I’ve already got a lot of stuff going in my life. I gotta be honest and say, I put my guards on the last year and watched out for early signs of lack of emtpathy and respect. I did see every little one of them, and don’t get me wrong, boundaries are very important but it’s been more than a year and I still haven’t found one person I can share my time with. Can someone please enlighten me: What is it? Are people my age such assholes (I’m 24), or is my country just full of assholes?
Anyway, I just wanted to share my two cents to this blogpost.