“Natalie, I am sooooo ready to be in a relationship and settle down. I can’t [whatever they’re currently doing and suffering through] anymore.”
I hear variations of this statement sooooo much, sometimes from the same people multiple times over several months or even years, and it’s often after sharing their dissatisfaction, frustration and even despair over what is currently happening in their lives.
It’s not just that they’re not in the relationship they want; there is invariably something else in the mix that’s a major pull on their time, energy, efforts and emotions.
They’re obsessing over an ex who, based on how the relationship was, along with any medium to long-term incompatibilities, it’s the right thing that the relationship ended. They’re often also stuck on The Replacement Mentality, so believing that they’ve been replaced by someone ‘inferior’ or similar, or believing that this person is living ‘happily ever after’ with The Replacement, even though this is made up or exaggerated, especially when this same ex is messaging/sexting them and/or complaining about The Replacement [to them]. If they’re not obsessing over being replaced, it’s often about experiencing activation and so not recognising how it has triggered feelings and wounds from the past and as such, this notion of being abandoned, passed over and rejected in totality – receiving no, the relationship ending, not getting what they want etc., is seen as being a rejection of them in their entirety, full stop.
Some have been what I call ‘single on the surface’, so yes, they’re technically single but at the same time, they’re either in some form of purgatory over something from the past and so, in effect, in a relationship with pain, fear, guilt and whoever the person or people are that are connected to the events, or, they are unaware of a set of habits that are part of their safety mechanism to defend against intimacy. Whatever they’re doing, it can amount to going through the motions while subconsciously (and in some cases, very consciously) sabotaging their own efforts. One of the easiest ways to do this is to be drawn to the same type of people, whether it’s on or offline, and to go through a similar habit loop each time which eventually leads to disappointment, and then lather, rinse, repeat.
They’ve been in a vague, ambiguous, ambivalent, indecisive setup with somebody for months or even years, and actually in a few cases, decades. For some, they repeatedly accept vague, ambiguous etc setups because they want to play it cool / not appear ‘too needy’ / not appear to create drama like they think that ‘others’ do. Some play the Really Good Friend role as a back door route to a relationship, only to be told that the other party doesn’t see them in ‘that way’, or only wants to ‘go with the [casual] flow’, or that they’re interested in someone else.
Some have been breaking up and getting back together with somebody for an extended period of time and there’s often enough drama and betrayal to fill an entire series of the now defunct Jerry Springer Show.
All of these situations are understandably frustrating, disheartening, and enough to sap so much life force out of you, that even if a loving relationship appeared before your eyes, you would barely be able to move let alone step into it, but–and there is a big but—it’s at times like this when we say we really want something but it’s not happening, that we have to be willing to own and know our own bullshit.
We have to be willing to acknowledge our blind spots.
We have to be willing to let go of a story, a version of events that might have been keeping us company, albeit uncomfortably, for what may be all or the majority of our life.
Incidentally, this is some scary but necessary and liberating work on our part.
This also means that we have to be willing to let go of the side benefits of continuing as we have been, which for example can be:
- Feeling ‘right’ albeit unhappy
- Feeling worried about or taken care of by a parent or caregiver and so maintaining your child role within the family and maybe trying to get unmet needs from childhood finally met
- Not outshining a parent/caregiver/sibling/someone else significant and in turn, feeling purposeful, valuable and not in danger of alienation and abandonment
- Feeling ‘special’ albeit based on negative perceptions of you
- And even, check this, preventing someone from our past from benefiting from our happiness and advancement. It’s like, ‘You did X to me as a child and I will remain unhappy, damn it, lest you forget how much you effed me up and end up not feeling bad enough about it and/or I will not do well in life because I don’t want you to take even a smidgen of credit for it. I will be a reminder to you that you’re not the person you make yourself out to be (even though you may have no clue that I’m doing what I’m doing for the reasons that I am).
We have to be willing to let what we want be bigger than what we’re afraid of. It’s where change happens.
This is why when I talk with people who are insistent that they want a loving, committed relationship but the reality, including the pattern is altogether different, that I sometimes have to say:
I hear you but I’ll know that you know that you really truly do, when you stop chasing after or letting the ex back in (or whatever it is they’re doing).
Until we are willing to stop whatever we have consistently been thinking, feeling and doing up until that point that has facilitated our current and past position, we are stuck in our uncomfortable comfort zone.
We are blocking our own way because we are so caught up in what we want going down in a particular way, that we’re not open to it going down in a different and more befitting way.
So, take me for example: I said I wanted a relationship (and I did) but I also wanted this so-called relationship to come from a Mr Unavailable who either would be unwilling to participate in a committed relationship, or who would make out like they were but then I would accept less than love, care, trust and respect. It was a total blind spot. I thought that the more I sacrificed via people pleasing is the more likely I would be to get what I want. What it hadn’t occurred to me to ask myself was whether I was doing the equivalent of going to McDonalds and asking them to give me a Michelin star meal and experience. I was then accepting the McDonalds meal while doing what I thought would get me the Michelin meal, never acknowledging that I was literally in the wrong place.
What I also had to acknowledge was that yes, these were involvements with less than love, care, trust and respect, but that it wasn’t just about their availability but also mine.
If I was willing to interact at that level, that was my level and if I really wanted more, I had to be willing to take me to new places.
Sure, it might have been like Cheers, where everybody knew my name – Fallback Girl including Yo-Yo Girl, The Other Woman and Florence Nightingale – but where I was headed to, I could make a choice to be, well, myself.
It is one thing to note that someone isn’t emotionally available but it’s another thing altogether when you acknowledge that you wanted to paddle around in the shallow end because it’s where you felt safest from intimacy and change.
If you want to be in a mutually fulfilling loving relationship, let that be your focus, not being in relationship with a specific person who is at odds with your professed desire.
Once you lose attachment to things going down in exactly the way that you pictured and instead you focus on your values, how you want to feel, and basically showing up for what you want, you’re available for something different.
If, for example, you say that you want a relationship but your concept of a relationship is you winning over Ben who keeps telling and/or showing you that he’s not the one for you and that you can and really need to do better, you are closing down all other avenues.
You are stopping you from being shown another way.
You are keeping you out of the relationship you say that you want.
You’re attached to the idea of that person giving you the love, often without fully acknowledging the baggage behind you thinking that it has to be them or someone like them, but as a result, you’re not actually attached to being in a loving relationship.
That means that no matter how much you try to control things, your schedule is not the schedule but also, the things you want might not show up in the exact package you’ve designed.
It’s like going, ‘I can only have real money and freedom by winning the lottery’ and then poo-pooing everything that isn’t a lottery win.
You have to be open to overwriting the truth as you’ve been seeing it.
You have to open to letting go of attachments to ideas, expectations and desires materialising in a specific form.
If you decide that you want a car that is of a certain speed, value, quality etc., that’s different to requesting that the same car has to be gotten from a certain someone, despite the fact that he/she either doesn’t have the car or even if they do, they have no desire to part with or share it.
[Compassionately] acknowledging your blind spots and where you’ve gotten stuck, is about closing the gap between who you say you are, what you want etc and what you actually do, including the situations you get involved in – this is something I recently spoke about in my intro to season 3 of the podcast.
Identify that someone or something that is a major pull on your time, energy, efforts and emotions and ask yourself: Why do I have to keep doing things or engaging with this person, in the way that I have been doing so far?
That will immediately throw up a load of ‘because’ and ‘should’, along with fear via your inner critic, and this helps you to bring your pattern into your awareness. It also reveals the fake rules.
If it’s not making you genuinely happy, question why you’re approaching it in that way. Who said it has to be this way?
If it’s only you or a number of people – and yes, that includes your family but not the entire world – there’s plenty of wiggle room for you to figure out where you need to shift to something that’s more reflective of your needs and desires.
Also, keep in mind that us humans have a habit of blindly following family patterns, even though 1) they’re not making us happy but also 2) they haven’t exactly made our family all singing and all dancing.
Make sure you identify the ‘benefits’ of your current position – if they weren’t currently outweighing what you want, the blind spot wouldn’t exist. Make a list of your habits – the things that you think, feel and do around this blind spot and note the ones that are taking you towards a loving relationship, and the ones that are taking you away from it.
Your thoughts?
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This spoke to my heart. You hit the nail in the head once again! You’re magical with the way you cut through the bull and call a spade a spade. Not living any room for us to question what we already know to be true.
Thank you Natalie…I’m stuck in my uncomfortable comfort zone…and it’s my choice…I’ve got to get out of this he’ll..I need to be honest with myself and know my truth …love your blog…been a real reality check!
Recovering is a process, not a checklist to be completed. As I move on with good boundaries and core values in place, I wasn’t prepared to meet new EU assclowns. The good news is, I bailed the moment I sensed the ‘come here–get away’ game.
No, you get away. Nyah.
I am hoping some of you savy readers of Baggage Reclaim can help me identify my “blind spot.” I have posted a couple times regarding my 20+ years of being in the same relationship but with different packages. The last AC took the already low self esteem and self image I had of myself to an all time low. The manipulation and mind games took a toll on me and I still feel “stuck” at times. I don’t want to be “stuck” and can not figure out my blind spot.
I’ll try and give some brief background. He is your textbook EU guy. He fast forwards (was talking about me and my kids moving in with him and his kids within 3 months of dating), future fakes (would talk about all the traveling we would do when we retired), and moves goal posts (when I actually started talking about moving in together after being together for over a year, he wasn’t ready due to his mom having Alzheimer’s). He lives on ME island where everything revolves around him, his needs, and what he wants. He is a man child who would pout when he wouldn’t get his way. The one time I tried to express how I felt I wasn’t appreciated, he turned it around on me, made it my fault, he was the victim, and ignored me for a week. He is a complete attention whore who has a harem of women and loves Facebook. He moves from relationship to relationship and always has an “overlapper” or “option” in his back pocket. He had been maintaining some sort of emotional relationship with a female coworker for almost a year of our relationship. She has since become his girlfriend when I ended things and has relocated herself and her son 4 hours from their hometown to move closer to him. Shortly after she moved for him, he was on Match.com.
I do take responsibility for my part in this extremely toxic relationship. I became the text book “people pleaser” never saying “No” to him, never expressing my feelings, and would go along with everything he wanted. I ignored code red signals immediately (he was still hanging out with ex girlfriends early in our relationship, only really communicating with me by text message, and all the other classic EU behavior) hoping I would be the “chosen one” who he would change for. I ignored all my gut feelings to run away and flogged this relationship to death hoping to get what I felt I was owed after all the hard work and sacrifice I had made. I now realize I was yearning for the attention I never received as a child. I was hoping if I was the “good girl” I would be rewarded and finally feel special.
I have maintained strict NC since the day I ended the relationship 15 months ago. I have blocked him from my phone and all social media outlets. He attempted to gain my attention on Facebook and I didn’t take the bait. I had become the primary caregiver for his children (while still caring for my children) and his mother who had Alzheimer’s since he worked 4 hours away (he would work 48 hour shifts straight. This way he could have a whole separate life) for most of our almost 2 year relationship. When his mother died last November, he sent me a letter informing me of her death. He thanked me for all the care I provided and mentioned me in her funeral program. I did not respond to the letter nor did I send him a sympathy card. I saw him for the first time a couple of weeks ago at a local event. I completely ignored him and did not make eye contact. I did not find him attractive and I thought to myself, “I can not believe I spent almost 2 years with that douch bag.”
In some ways, I have completely moved on. I do not feel the severe, gut-wrenching pain or numbness I felt when the relationship ended. I see him for who he really is; I have no delusions about him or the toxic relationship we had. When reading Natalie’s post regarding the 48 Ideas for Increasing Emotional Availability and Breaking Harmful Relationship Patterns, I have done pretty much all of them. I spent a year in therapy, I have not dated since I ended the relationship, I have read Nat’s books and completed the exercises of identifying relationship patterns, I have journaled, I have worked on Nat’s 100 day journaling exercises, I am more engaged with my children, I traveled and hiked in the Andes Mountains alone, I work out 5-6 days a week, I have created boundaries for myself, I have deleted Facebook from my phone and very rarely go on there, I have worked on listening to my gut, and I have worked on spending time with my more emotional available friends. I agree with Karen, that “Recovery is a process and not a checklist.” But I feel like I have processed and worked hard, but still feel “stuck” as he and the relationship still consume a lot of my thoughts. I do not want to be with him or go back to that relationship. I really don’t even feel anger towards him nor do I want to tell him all about himself. I 100% know he is not worth the mental energy or head space he consumes.
So why am I not completely over the relationship or indifferent about him??
Any feedback is greatly appreciated. I want to move on from this and be completely whole.
Thanks
CLR,
I broke up with a guy years ago, and I have had two relationships since him. Yet this guy still enters my thoughts in ways that he shouldn’t. It is far less than it used to be, but it’s still there.
The reason is that out of all the men I’ve dated, he’s the one that most resembles my father. It’s not hard to replicate the damage done in childhood by parents. I’d suggest you look into your childhood and see what’s up on that level. Repeating childhood patterns to try and fix them in adult relationships is common, and hard to let go of when they can’t be fixed.
If you are dating the same guy over and over in different forms, I’d look at the commonalities between these men and see which parent they have those traits in common with. Once identified, you can see about stopping your patterns.
Hi Crystal,
Thanks for your reply and input. I have been able to identify the triggers from my childhood. I was an only child, so I am very much the over responsible, over empathasizer type. I have dated variation of both my mother (narcissistically inclined) and my father (emotionally unavailable). I basically raised myself as I was left alone a lot and it was made clear to me I was not a priority. So I have come to realize I am looking to be validated for all the “good” I have done. Definitely looking for attention and to feel special. It has been difficult to realize this as well as an eye-opener to myself. It’s painful to realize the reasons I’ve made the choices I’ve made and having to admit I have never really had any sort of self esteem.
Thank you for sharing a part of your story as well. I wish you well.
Your blind spot appears to be a lack of identity, therefore, you likely find it difficult to establish boundaries when code red behavior pops up. As Nat has said, its very important that we have our own backs so that we walk away from shady behaviors from the start. I would encourage you to stop focusing on this man; for someone who has moved on, you know entirely too much about his life since your break up. You need your focus right now so no more focusing on the past; get busy with focusing on you instead! 🙂
Hi Beks,
Thanks for your insight. You are right, I have lost my identity in many of my relationships. I become a people pleaser hoping for the “payoff.” I have worked on taking back my identity this past year. I returned to yoga and have really developed my practice. I traveled internationally for the first time in April, and I traveled alone. I am rekindling my desire to complete an Ironman. But you are right in that I need to take the focus off from him and put it back on myself.
As an aside, I am 100% completely honest in saying I have not sought out information about his life this past year. His son and my son (they are both 14) are still friends and keep in contact. It was through this I found out his girlfriend had moved to where he is. In regards to Match, a friend of mine who is on there told me she saw his profile. I really do not go seeking information in regards to him or his life. I really do want to move.
Thanks again.
CLR,
I’m in a similar situation to you. I’ve been NC from my toxic ex for 2.5 years and I still have feelings of sadness and other things come up about him.
I’ve done plenty of the things to get over him that you’ve done too, but he still lingers. The only solution I have on hand right now is to do some intensive therapy about him with my psychologist.
My psychologist specializes in a therapy called EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and I’ve done plenty of it already on trauma from my childhood, especially around my father and his incredibly damaging AC EU ways. And I’ve also done a bit already around my ex, about a year ago. So I said to my psychologist that it hasn’t worked yet, so maybe it won’t? He answered that sometimes we need more time to process these things and get to a place where we can work on them again. So I’m trying to be patient with myself and give it a go again to see if I can shift this stuff.
Fingers crossed it will be done with this time around. I’d really like to be through with it.
If you haven’t tried EMDR yet, maybe it’s something that could work for you? Do some research and decide for yourself. I know it’s done wonders for me so far and I continue to hope it will for my current issues. Do shop around for a good and reputable psychologist though. They’re not all the same.
Hi Amz,
Thank you for sharing part of your story and for the recommendation. I have not heard of this kind of therapy. But I will definitely do some research and look into it. I really liked the therapist I utilized for the past year. Maybe I will see if she utilizes EMDR or can recommend someone.
Thanks again. I wish you much success in your journey.
Hey CLR, just wondering how it’s going with the ex issues?
An update on me: I’ve done the EMDR and wow, it’s actually worked wonders! I’m feeling so much better and I guess I just did need time before I was ready to do more therapy about my ex.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing well too, keep going, it’s possible to get there 🙂
Hi Amz,
Thanks for checking in. After all the helpful feedback and Nat’s Podcast regarding some crumbs isn’t better than no crumbs, I’ve dug deeper and really started to focus on myself, my healing, and where I have neglected myself. I’m also trying to identify my fears and work through those. I’ve made conscious efforts to redirect my thoughts when I start thinking of him or the relationship.
I am so glad EMDR has worked for you. You are right, sometimes we just need to be patient with ourselves. It sounds like you are on the right path for your healing and progress :).
Good luck to you
uhhh — your blind spot is you. The description of the situation focused on him “he future faked” etc. Putting ease of use of language aside for a second or many, it is hard for you to focus on you. Try that — “I believed his future faking” add “because. . .” and fill in the blanks, maybe with some of the things mentioned by others: “. . .because my dad told me things I wanted to believe” “…because I really want those things but I
am afraid/don’t feel worth to have them” etc.
Also, we as women tend to make Important Relationships (with Men) more important than they really are. Thereby, excusing things that we shouldn’t. Did he not call when he said he would? Cancel a lot with great excuses or otherwise not make you a priority? Do you do these things with others or just men, particularly Important Men (beginning with dad on down)?
You were not in a relationship, you had a situation — that you still haven’t dealt with because you haven’t told the truth about someONE or someTHING in your life.
Start with you, end with you — and see what transpires from there.
Hi soulofwit,
Thank you for your response, but I am not sure I completely follow all of your train of thought. I do understand the part of taking the focus off from him and retraining my thought process around his behavior. For example, “I believed his future faking because I wanted to have this perfect relationship.” Right?
I agree, I did make him the focus of my life and everything I did revolved around him. I am not playing a victim when I make those statements. It makes me ill to think of how I behaved in the relationship and did not put myself as the priority. But I am not understanding your train of thought in the rest of that paragraph.
In regards to your last paragraph, either I am misunderstanding or I do not agree. I have spent much time analyzing my past, my behavior, my relationships, as well as my childhood. This is the first toxic relationship that has taken me this long to move past. I didn’t still feel this way a year out after my divorce. I have considered this is the first time I have come to terms with my past and my choices, so maybe that is the reason it is taking me so long to heal………….
I appreciate your feedback and will spend some time thinking about it.
Sometimes “not understanding” or “not agreeing with” something is a way that people resist.
That’s what I sense here, because I was clear in each word I wrote that you are your own problem.
Not him.
Not any exes.
Not your parents.
You.
All by yourself.
You.
Sorry to hear that you don’t understand or don’t agree — all the best with moving forward in life.
Soulofwit,
I debated on whether or not to respond because I certainly do not want to engage in bitter communication. But I would like to clarify my stance and then put our dialogue to rest.
I really was not understanding the sentence structure of some of the points you were trying to make. Written communication can be so difficult to extract the meaning of what is trying to be conveyed. And sometimes it just takes me longer to understand things. It was not an attempt to be resistant to what you were saying. If you read my other comments, I completely agree my post focused on him and his behavior and not myself. I am in 100% agreement I need to take the focus off from him.
In my original post, in no way was I trying to blame everyone else and not take responsibility for my own choices or behavior. I was a willing participant in my relationship, I chose to be a doormat, I chose to stay with all the code red behaviors, I chose to the primary provider for his children and his mother. I do not put responsibility on my parents for the choices I have made. But looking at my childhood has brought me better understanding of the choices I have made.
I came to BR when I realized I am the common denominator in all of my failed relationships. I am the only person who continually shows up each and every day.
So I guess we will agree to disagree.
Hey maybe have a private session with Nat?
Kath,
Thank you for your suggestion of having a session with Nat. I had given this serious consideration, but then decided to reach out to the BR community. I have greatly appreciated the feedback from everyone. I’ve decided to give it another 3 months of work and focus on myself. If I’m still feeling stuck, then I will contact Nat.
I wish you the best.
CLR,
Try not to be so hard on yourself my dear! Yes, ultimately these relationships were your decision to entertain, but if you had a difficult childhood/upbringing, then your parents are also to blame for why you struggle to foster healthy adult relationships. Parents are supposed to guide, nurture and show us what healthy love is – so if you were denied all of that like I was (Childhood Emotional Neglect my therapist calls it), then it’s understandable that you have a hard time with romantic relationships as you don’t know what ‘good’ looks or feels like.
My parents are both toxic – my mum a classic EU narcissist who was cold, distant, uninterested and only seemed to care about her new man, and my step-dad an aggressive, controlling bully who ruled with fear, manipulation and intimidation. As far as they’re concerned, I had a roof, food, clothes and everything I wanted – so they’re perfect parents. Yeah right.
It’s taken me 33 years and 3 therapy sessions thus far to realise that my well-meaning but equally negligent/abusive parents have screwed me up to no end (depression, anxiety, eating disorder for starters) and made it virtually impossible for me to have a loving healthy relationship with any man because I unconsciously seek out men who are charming and wonderful to start, but soon reveal themselves to be EU, AC and often times narcissistic – much like my mother. I used to bend over backwards trying to get my mother and step-father’s love, warmth and acceptance, but all I got was criticisms, judgement, harsh treatment for minor misdemeanours and not a single word of encouragement or acknowledgement of my achievements growing up. Now as an adult I see that I repeat the same pattern of behaviour with men who exhibit similar traits to them and have decided to cease dating until I’ve dealt with my issues.
I hate my parents for what they did to me as a child. Admittedly I’m an adult now and can console myself with therapy etc, I will always hold them responsible for letting me down as a kid and ruining my chances of finding love as an adult, but at least now I can move forward in a positive way with the knowledge that I’m not entirely to blame for my crappy taste in men.
I wish you all the best!
Hi Rachel,
You are right that I have no real concept of a healthy relationship, except witnessing friends who have maintained loving, fulfilling relationships. My parents are still married, but not necessarily happily. My mom is very controlling and my dad is passive, so it works for them. While I have ideas of what a healthy relationship constitutes, I have yet to really be involved in one.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years. She states this was her “wake up” moment. She has attempted to be a better mother, be more loving and kind (still on her terms), and be more supportive. It just feels plain weird when she behaves this way, to the point it makes me uncomfortable. She has sent birthday cards about what a wonderful daughter I am and I throw them away because it almost makes me sick to my stomach. I feel myself clench up when she hugs me. I do not engage in confrontations or have discussions regarding my childhood with her. She had recently asked me, “Why do you think you don’t have self esteem? Your dad doesn’t have good self esteem, do you think maybe it’s genetic? I don’t struggle with self esteem.” She clearly is not interested in looking at her own behavior and maybe has rewritten her own version of my childhood. I’ve come to terms with my childhood and can find some amount of peace in my relationship with her. I maintain boundaries and am aware when I revert back to a child role when I am around her. The one thing I am grateful for in raising myself is that I am independent and self sufficient.
While on this journey over the past year, my perception of what I’m attraced to has really changed. While still in my previous relationship with the AC, a male friend of mine asked me out. He is nice, thoughtful, calm, and stable. There was no way I was interested in that. We are still friends and keep in contact. But what I have noticed is that I am more “attracted” to him. He is dating someone and I would never interfere in their relationship. But it makes me feel good that I can identify positive character traits and be attracted to those instead of superficial qualities such as physical appearance or profession.
I am sorry you experienced such a dysfunctional childhood. But you should be proud you are taking steps to overcome the anxiety and depression and moving towards healthy relationships. And importantly, a healthy relationship with yourself. What a positive decision to take a dating hiatus. Like Nat has said, “If you can’t date with good self esteem, you shouldn’t be dating.”
I wish you all the best.
While we are in total control of how we respond to how someone behaves, this does not let other people off the hook for how they behave. None of us exist in a vacuum. How other people behave toward us matters. She’s at least been honest enough here to ask what specific problem she is having that keeps her from moving forward. In short, she already knows that this specific thing is her fault–she just isn’t sure about the details. So if you could actually try to be helpful instead of playing Fling Poo At The Weak Monkey, that would be AWESOME.
Thank you, Dana 🙂
Hi CLR,
I’m wondering if perhaps you are not as stuck as you think you are. You have made so much progress! Maybe all you need to do is forgive yourself for not making more. You have spent your entire life in EU relationships (parents, lovers). You’re allowed to take a little time to get in touch with yourself and your needs. Rather than thinking about where you think you “should” be, try thinking about where you want to be instead.
You’re giving him too much credit and power here. It doesn’t sound like you are stuck in fantasyland where you either want to get back with him or get even with him. You’re not dating because you are older and more discerning. Plus you are busy taking care of yourself. These are good things. Thinking about him on occasion is a small thing when compared to all of this progress.
Hi Stephanie,
Thank you for your response. Everybody who has given feedback is completely accurate that I have spent too much of the focus on him and not myself. And you are exactly right as well. I have made progress. For the first time, I feel stable, calm, and content. Even my friends around me have commented about my “calmness.” I just wish the thoughts about him would discontinue. I like to believe in time, they will. He is not worth the headspace.
I do feel healthy and happy. I have developed a wonderful relationship with my children who are my priority. I will continue to take the focus off from him and put it back on myself.
Thank you again for your feedback. I wish you well.
CLR,
You ask, “So why am I not completely over the relationship or indifferent about him??”
Part of the reason is because he was part of your life. You may never be indifferent to him, though from what you have written, you have made great progress toward being over the relationship.
I offer a suggestion — and preface this by saying I am not a therapist, this is simply a tactic that has worked for me.
One reason you keep thinking of him is because … you keep thinking of him. That’s not meant to be a smart remark, just a fact that the more you think of anything, the more you think of it, as if you wear ruts in your brain so to speak, by walking the same trail continuously.
So how can you stop thinking of him so much? By substituting another thought whenever a thought of him arises. For example, say you have a hobby that you enjoy, maybe sewing. Whenever a thought of the ex arises, you turn your thoughts instead to the latest project you are working on. “Hmmm, I need to hem that skirt …” and follow your thought train away from the ex by merrily envisioning how you will hem that skirt. If you are consistent in the topic switch — always shifting your thoughts to the same type of diversion — you will eventually be able to nip thoughts of him off before they gain any traction. (And you may get a lot of sewing done too. 🙂 )
This process takes time, because you have to consciously re-train your brain–break down those ruts, if you will–but it has worked for me.
Best wishes to you as you continue to move forward with your life.
Hi EllA,
Thank you for your response. You are so spot on, my thinking of him has become a “habit.” I have trained my brain into this “habit of constantly thinking about him. Now I need to rewire my brain into a new thought “habit.” As I mentioned previously, I am rekindling my desire to complete an Ironman. I had registered for one 4 years ago and spent over a year training. But I couldn’t get over my anxiety during open water swimming. I just recently got back into the pool after a 2 year hiatus. So now when thoughts of him pop into my head, I will think of how I’m going to conquer my fear of open water swimming.
Thank you so much for your input. I wish you well.
This is great advice EllA about retraining ones thought processes.
Any ideas what to do if after decades the ex pops up in your dreams? ugh.
I had to think about this, Cinnamon, because as I said, I’m not a therapist (and don’t even play on on teevee 🙂 ). So all I can offer is what I’ve done when this happened to me.
My (probably uninformed) opinion is that dreams are simply the brain trying to resolve issues that are not quite resolved, or else have been re-triggered.
When I have woken up with the ex on my mind, I think back over recent events to figure out what has happened that was similar to, or reminded me of, him.
When I recall the “trigger,” I remind myself how far I’ve come and reassure myself that I am making progress and I don’t ever have to go back to being treated that way again.
I think the key is to not beat yourself up for “backsliding.” After all, you’ve come a long way, and we’re all a work in progress, right?
EIIA- your answer was brilliant in terms of describing what our brains go through with these men. I am in the process of letting go of my EU AC and the worst part is thinking of him. Everyday he is on my brain . I don’t mean to , but he was a part of my life for along time . Everything I do, there is a connection to him. I have a therapist helping me, and the idea to retrain the brain is tiring and you have to have patience. I have been going thru the anger, sadness, calmness, rinse and repeat. Today I was angry for all of the times he let me down with not following thru. He’s still got projects at my flat that are not finished but he says he will do. Yeah right. He can’t commit to anything, and doesn’t communicate unless in person. It’s worn me out and proven to be a waste. I’m doing my best with altering my thinking and moving forward – it’s not easy!
Peachy,
It sounds like you are still in regular contact with this man. I have been through the anger, sadness, calmness cycle and I could’t get out if it until I got the target of those feelings out of my life. I have been very successful in retraining my brain to not think of my ex. It really works! However, if the guy is still present in your life it will be impossible not to think of him.
Find someone else to finish those projects and go NC with this guy. The anger and sadness will lessen over time without him around to remind you of past hurts and give you new reasons to feel hurt or angry.
Stephanie thank you! Yes he will be working in the same building with me for a another month. He has slowly tortured me with not replying to texts, or bombarding me with texts, flirting with me when he does see me, withholding info which hurt me, and when confronted he played it off and just flirted. I’m a wreck. Worn out. People keep saying to toss his number and forget about him. I feel like he owes me something. How can he be like this after so much time ? He never acted like this before. 🙁
It is harder to move past heartbreak when, on a daily basis, you have to work with or be in contact with the one who broke your heart. Partly because we want to believe that the one who broke our heart is ALL bad…so if, for example, you see him being nice to a child or an animal or another coworker, YOU feel bad because you see he is kind so why couldn’t he love you?
His lack of interest in a committed relationship with you is not a reflection of your worth.
It’s hard to admit that we are having trouble dealing with our own bruised egos.
I can still see the good qualities of the married AC I once pined over. But now that I have resurrected my self-worth, crumbs no longer hold any interest for me, and I can reconcile that although he has very good characteristics, he had no real interest in a loving relationship with me. I realize I was hurting myself by over-valuing his crumbs. I over-valued crumbs because I was lonely and starved for positive reinforcement from ANYbody.
So, that old line, “It’s not YOU, it’s ME” is true for those caught up and unable to let go of the crumb-giver. Until you realize that YOU must change, you will remain caught up. For some folks, being caught-up is where they WANT to be, because it is the only activity that gives their life some excitement…..what else would they talk about, if not how they were wronged by someone they were “so good” to?
All I can say is – it feels good to me to be on the other side of midnight. This year, ACs birthdate came and went and I realized I had not remembered it WAS his birthday this year. Something that had once been so all important went by unnoticed. And yes, he still calls (I don’t answer) and emails ( they go to Trash). He knows nothing about me….I could be married…..he doesn’t care…..or gravely ill…he doesn’t care. And I am OK knowing he doesn’t care about me in the way that I had once hoped. It doesn’t hurt me like it did when I hung on for crumbs.
Wow Elgie that really made so much sense to me. It’s all true what you said and made me feel more clear in my thinking regarding this guy. You are 100% right, it’s tough to move on when you see him. I think for me, I crave the crumbs and attention because no other guy is throwing that at me. I’ve made a pedestal and put this EU on it since I met him. I had high hopes and he has disappointed me completely. I go thru angry times knowing he gives others his time but not me. I only get time when it’s convienant for him. Sometimes he sends me a blunt text after I have sent him a funny or sweet one. He uses the good in me to fuel his narcassistic ways. No one else around us sees that because he puts on an excellent show. I truly feel so hurt by his actions as a friend, and I honestly don’t think he sees any of this. To work this hard and feel so cruddy – I just want to get off this rollercoaster. I guarantee he will end up texting me once I go NC. That’s my plan btw. It will be so tough but I don’t know what else to do. Something has to give because I want to move forward and heal finally.
Stephanie I am going through those exact emotions! How did u work through it? It’s tiring. I was extremely angry yesterday about something regarding him, later in the day I talked myself down and was calm. Today I am just craving to hear from him. I get angry at myself. 🙁
Hey, Fish. I kept a feelings journal which I found to be a tremendous help. It was through my writing that I came to realize how most of my feelings for my ex were anger and resentment over how unfairly I felt I had been treated. For me, the writing provided a sense of release from the pent-up emotions and it was a lot easier to calm down and gain perspective if I wrote down my feelings.
I also did some reading about the grieving process and kept reminding myself that anger was a normal part of healing from the loss.
The most important thing was maintaining strict NC. It was very hard at first, but you get used to it and life is a lot easier without all the little pinpricks that are unavoidable as long as you are in contact. I don’t think it would have been possible for me to move on if he was anywhere in my life.
Wonderful idea! I need to communicate my anger and frustration more. I feel like he never gave me as much as he talked about. Even now he gives more time to friends of mine via text and won’t even answer me. He’s very up and down, yet when I see him he’s all over me flirting. I’m so confused at this point. He will. It be physically around me for about 6 months because of a change in his position. He will be almost 300 miles away. My guess is that I will absolutely begin to heal but know that suddenly he will try to sneak back in via text. The secretiveness, lies, and not having time for me after I have so much — upsets me terribly. I don’t even know if he’s worth a text anymore.
Fish,
Let him know you are ending things. He may not be worth the effort, but you are. NC will be easier (less guilt and doubt) once you have officially broken up. It will also be easier to justify blocking or ignoring his texts if you have explained yourself in advance. Stay strong! You can do this!
Thank you Stephanie – my head is so clouded because he lures me in but pushes me away. I find that I get jealous when I find out he has been talking to our other mutual friends more than he does me. He claims to love me and has shared a lot of things that I consider “deep” and personal. Guys I have been with never shared like he did. I feel robbed thinking that this could be it with him leaving. Right now he is not answering my texts — punishing me I guess for something so ridiculous. I will see him in person tomorrow and I guaranteed he will be short and to the point. I so badly want to tell him what kind of pain he has caused but would it sink it ? My guess no…. I’ve always given him second, 3rd, 100 chances and I have to stop. He is draining me to the point of feeling sick!! Have u felt like this ?
Fish, I have felt exactly like you are feeling now. I stayed way too long in my last relationship because I was waiting for some kind of payout for everything I had given him. In the end I got nothing for all my troubles. Believe me when I say you are doing the emotional equivalent of throwing good money after bad by maintaining any kind of relationship with him.
Do not tell him anything about how badly he has hurt you. Don’t do or say anything with the hope of getting any satisfaction from him. You may end up getting pulled back in. Just end it with as little drama as possible and be done with him.
This is going to be extremely tough for me. I let down my walls for this man, and gave so much. I’m positive he will be guarded and not want to talk to me today when I see him. He will have excuses for why he cannot talk. I WOnT get angry with him as you suggested , I am better than that. I need to just walk away and try to rebuild what he broke down. Such a shame … the sad part is that one of our mutual friends doesn’t know how he has crushed me like this. She puts up with him but if they have a falling out she brushes it off. Well, she doesn’t have the same history as he and I do… it’s been a long strange trip and I wouldn’t ever go back and do it again. I’m already overthinking what I am going to do if I see him today with his attitude ….
Thanks for writing back EllA. You are right about the triggering. It was my ex’s birthday last week.
Also there was a report in the news that a man who held a baby out of a window was jailed. My ex did this to me in my youth when we dated. When I was screaming at him to stop he went into a narcissistic rage “…don’t you trust me not to drop you? Aren’t I strong enough?”. I still feel angry about his abuses and then for not ending it sooner or reporting him etc. This may have triggered the dream.
I have so many triggers, I can be reading a book and something will trigger even though it has been 30 years+.
Like Peachy I don’t mean to think about the ex it just happens.
I’m trying to retrain my thoughts when things just pop in my mind, so work in progress as you say, and relief I went NC.
I think you have to forgive yourself..
After letting go of a relationship like this the hardest part for me was to forgive myself that I entered it in the first place..I kept blaming myself for not knowing better and ignoring my true feelings for so long.
Well..had I truely known better of course I wouldn’t have been with him, but in fact I did not know better, part of me still thought I deserve to be treated like this.
Today I am thankful for this experience because it showed me so many things about myself which I wasn’t willing to see. Had I not gone through it I might still not have learned to listen to and value my feelings and to step up for myself. Not for my next relationship but for my own well being.
Another point which made it difficult for me to let go was that even though I had realized how bad he was for me I still (on a subconcious level) wanted him to love me, respect me, understand me, value me…but not because of him but because I subconciously confused him with my mother/father from who my inner child actually wanted to be loved and valued but never was…
So it was not really because of him but because I was still trying to find love outside myself and not taking over the responsibility for my inner child which needed me and loving it and therefor myself
Wish you all the best and sending you Love!
I’m always getting involved with men who have severe psychological issues I’m with men who have schizophrenia, psychosis, bipolar, shizoaffective disorder, men who are emotionally and psychologically abusive, have drug addictions, are psychotic, have been to mental hospitals multiple times, have been to jail multiple times, have personality disorders and psychotic disorders. I feel like I’m drawn into the drama. Some guys want to get better, some guys play the victim and blame the problem on everyone else but themselves. I’ve found the biggest difference is whether someone wants to change. In an abusive relationship, the guy kept claiming he treated me so good, and never took responsibility for his actions and his severe issues and makes everything about me and made me take care of him and had no awareness or insightful, he was always the ‘victim’. With another guy, he has serious issues, but he took responsibility for them, got treatment, got help, and came back to me a year after he had been recovered, it also depends on how serious the issue is, I’ve been with guys that I get back together with every year. My relationships tend to have an excessive amount of drama due to the men I choose. But a lot of it is about me, choosing men with extreme issues allows me to cover up my issues and be their ‘savior’ and everyone i so grateful for me for ‘taking care’ of them.
Recently, I rather reluctantly left my first “emotionally unavailable” man after a tumultuous 1 year relationship. I haven’t experienced this type of personality before and the relationship was both bewildering & exhausting. For me, I recognized about 1/2 way through that the relationship didn’t feel right or complete..something was off and/or missing. I spent much of my time lost in a state of distraction – I wondered, worried, evaluated, discussed, read and desperately tried to decode the mysterious problem. I was in love with the man but instead of feeling good…I felt exhausted and emotionally spent. A happy relationship should make one feel, well, HAPPY. I certainly don’t expect perfection as I am the first to reveal my imperfections but at minimum a relationship should make each party feel good… Thanks BR for the supportive posts, insight and information.
When I read by Crystal: “…out of all the men I’ve dated, he’s the one that most resembles my father.” My snap conscious response was, considering the two men currently in my life, “well, that certainly does not apply to me”. Wait just a moment, self, maybe not.
My initial dismissal of the comment was that both of “my” men are lookers. As has happened with most, men I am attracted to and develop “things” with, share that trait. So, superficially I thought of my father, who, in looks, was barely average. On the other hand my mother still is stunningly gorgeous. More than often I wondered what she saw in him, and the answer was $.
But then my mind went in another direction: did these men resemble or replicate my father in any way? For me the answer is a resounding yes. It is not appearance it is behavioral and likely attachment patterns as well.
Both have wives who are dominant and skillfully manipulative. Neither are beauties (physically) and neither are professionally powerful. But, do they ever have these guys wrapped.
Just potent food for thought. BTW, as CLR wrote, I too am an only child. And, both men have children. So there are many dynamics involved that are emotionally unreachable to me.
Hi Million,
Interesting comment. I didn’t mean a physical resemblance, but a behavioural one. The ex that still comes into my mind sometimes was a functional alcoholic. My father wasn’t a drunk or an addict at all, but his dysfunctional behaviour is exactly the same as if he was one. (Liar, abusive, extremely self-absorbed, etc.) He might as well have been.
However now that you mention it, I’m thinking about them both as far as appearance goes, & there are some significant similarities. Not identical, but both were physically closer in appearance more so than any other man I’ve gone out with.
I’m going to think about this now, so thank you!
This came into my mailbox in such a timely manner.. Currently I am grieving the loss of an ambiguous relationship with a guy who recently broke up with someone (we met 2 weeks after they broke up).. And he said he isnt ready for a relationship and i was having such a hard time accepting this. I cried so much asking myself why do I always end up in these situations with Mr Unavailables and in came Natalie’s post.. This website has been a huge help to me, I am not where I should be yet but I am on my way. Great post
They say we “should learn to love ourselves.” Fine, but they never explain how.
I learned how by considering myself the new, better parent I wish I would have had as a child. This new parent doesn’t let anyone eff with me. Not even me!
With hard-wired new values like never getting sexually involved with anyone who’s married or in a committed relationship, and making No Contact water-tight, I feel far more protected than ever.
Granted, narcissists still spot me for being a kind hearted and compassionate giver, so I may still get snagged in one of their webs, but now when I use my newest secret weapon I spot it and get away tons faster.
The new secret weapon is called the reciprocity scoreboard. I usually do more giving than getting, so that’s not a deal breaker. However, now I keep track (in private). If I have done a kind thing for the person more than 3 times to their zero times–if they are spectacular I may mention the lopsidedness, in hopes they self adjust.
LOL, who am I kidding? They’ve been proven to be selfish, so mentioning it won’t do anything but send them into excuse and denial land.
They will say I’ve changed and it’s my fault things went south.
I’ve turned the picking over to God, but still a narcissistic straggler or two have tried to jump the fence. I don’t blame them, I really am very nice…but way too nice for selfish clowns to get a shot at.
If it’s gotta be them or me, I’ll always bet on me.
Karen, i love this: “This new parent doesn’t let anyone eff with me. Not even me!” you cracked me up and it’s a great approach.
“I thought that the more I sacrificed via people pleasing is the more likely I would be to get what I want. What it hadn’t occurred to me to ask myself was whether I was doing the equivalent of going to McDonalds and asking them to give me a Michelin star meal and experience. I was then accepting the McDonalds meal while doing what I thought would get me the Michelin meal, never acknowledging that I was literally in the wrong place.”
Brilliant.. I’m going to print this part out and read it every day, because I definitely want high quality, delicious, nutritious, well-crafted meals, not McDonalds. This was exactly what I experienced in relationship with my ex EUM. He showed me some real good five-star stuff (not future fakey or fast forwarding either) a handful of times (the rest was garbage), and so I thought he had the capacity for what I wanted, if only he could let go of his past and I could earn his love, trust, and respect (typical, I know). But it turns out he was undercover McDonalds all along (yea, yea). The funniest part is that the ex EUM really did love McDonalds… And I don’t eat fast food, except maybe on a very rare occasion when I am on a road trip or something. My EUMs idea of a “nice dinner” was literally Buttercup Bar and Grill. So I’m really dying at this restaurant analogy.
Also, the point that what we truly desire (the plan) may not come in the way that we expect is SO IMPORTANT. I never realized what a control freak I was until it took me over 1.5 years to accept that my ex EUM who treated me poorly and was not what I actually wanted… was not right for me. I would not let it go until recently, and I still have my bad days. I still get waves of pain and grief, but I am over the worst. I can see more clearly now, and finally feel a sense of acceptance about him and the relationship on most days. My plan was NOT THE PLAN!
But WHY did I struggle to let go and accept this idea for so long, even though on many levels I KNEW it to be true? Why?? I don’t understand why I fought so hard. I knew it was madness, but I couldn’t let go for the longest time, it was like I was trapped. And it is really liberating now that the true plan has had a chance to sink in.
I have been applying this knowledge to my entire life, not just relationships.. including life purpose and career. I’ve always doubted myself and kept myself small out of fear, perfectionism, feeling worthless and like I have nothing of value to contribute unless I’m breaking my back. Fear over sharing my work and my gifts. But the balance has tipped now, and it’s costing me more to stay small and “safe” than it is to let myself start to let go and really open to life. Holy crap, i’ve been white-knuckling it pretty much my whole life. I’m 31 years old, and I feel like I’ve spent my whole youth being miserable, afraid, exhausted, trying to control the uncontrollable, throwing away my own power. I’ve been doing this inner work since I was 13 years old, after I experienced several traumas, and I have been learning how to navigate the underworld ever since. I’m just recently seeing how it’s part of the plan, only recently starting to see the full picture, and to feel grateful for even the worst moments in my life which are informing where I am headed.
I’m grateful for this work, for the brilliant, inspiring posts, and all the comments here that show me that I’m not so alone <3
A.E.C.
Like you, I never thought I had control issues. I’ve been very passive in relationships, not making decisions, and just going along to make things easy. Until I found this blog and realized I was underhandedly trying to control the dynamics of the relationship to get what I thought I deserved. WOW!!!! I really had to face my issues.
But like you, I white-knuckled through the relationship because I wanted to be “chosen”, I wanted to be “special”, and my hard work and sacrifice was going to pay off. But then I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t live in denial anymore about who he really was and the shell of a person I had become. I couldn’t live on Fantasy Island anymore. It was too painful. The relationship of rainbows and unicorns I had painted in my head was nothing near the reality of what I was living day to day. When I ended the relationship, I literally laid on my bedroom floor in the fetal position and cried for days. Then I realized I needed to pick myself and start living the life I said I wanted to live.
I really am in a much better place. I feel calm, stable, and at peace. I enjoy only limiting my drama to having a teenager. I have made major changes in my life including listening to my gut, having boundaries, and getting to know myself. I work on finding gratitude on a daily basis and appreciating I do have a good life. I am fortunate enough to travel 2-4 times a year and am blessed with amazing friends and family. But most importantly, I am 100% present for my children who are my priority. I have built an amazing relationship with them. And I like to believe because I am at peace, so are they.
I still have a ways to go on this journey. But as others have mentioned, this is a journey that I need to be more patient with. Because the ex AC pops into my thoughts, does not mean I have not made progress. I have made conscious efforts over the last couple of days redirect my thoughts when I think of him.
I love the saying, “Embrace the glorious mess you are.”
Thank you again for sharing your story. It has helped me tremendously. And thank you for your response on the previous Podcast post. I found myself nodding quite a bit while reading it.
I wish you well.
Thank you Natalie, I look forward so much to receiving your messages and can’t wait to open them when I see your name in my in box, I sure I’m not the only one you feels this way, glad I found your books, its as if you’re writing just for me, everything rings true, you gave me the strength to get a total nut job out of my life, once again thank you and keep the blogs coming.
Nat and everyone,
This post was so timely for me. My original Mr. Unavailable died just two months ago and I have been on an amazing journey. My father is the pattern I keep trying to solve in life by picking men just like him. Finally, my last man, who was a narcissist and one of the coldest and most purposefully cruel person I’ve ever known, led me to search for and find this site and several others that have had me gradually healing up this belief system. It has been 3 years since I moved out of the N’s house and I have been going through a very interesting journey during which I’ve discovered: I didn’t know how to do boundaries. I didn’t know who I was without a man to be the victim of. And I couldn’t keep using sex as my angry lure for toxic love.
When my father died, I felt very little emotions at first. Then, gradually, I began to dream of him over and over. I feel very sleepy and need to sleep a lot right now and I am trusting this because it is what my soul and body need. What I’ve realized is that the stress of having a cruel father is deeply embedded in my body and psyche and I literally have not felt safe or like I could relax until he was dead. Though I have done a lot of therapy and inner work it is amazing to me how freeing my father’s death has been for me. He can’t hurt me. He can’t agitate and “f” with my brothers and sisters and me. Someone said they recognized that their most potent relationship was the one with the man most like her father. That was true for me as well. The last man I lived with was almost exactly like my father and he was the one I felt most “in love” with.
Some real breakthroughs are happening. I was able to firmly draw several boundaries and go NC with several toxic and draining friendships which made me feel so much more safe and ok. I think my blind spot has been how much I have needed my cruel father (and his stand-ins) to define me. I literally don’t know who I am without him. Without that chaos and cruelty in some form. It is my comfort zone. I think one of the biggest things I did for me recently is to just let go of needing to be “all done with this by now.” To just let it be. Let is be that I am 57 and just getting to know me all over again. Just let it be that I have been stuck in this psychopath’s web of confusion for most of my life. Just let it be that NOW is when I am seeing that I can be and already am happy: I just don’t need to keep making me UNhappy to stay in my unhappy comfort zone.
To the lady who can’t stop thinking about her former lover. Don’t expect that of you so much. Just let it be. Let it be that its only been a year. Let it be that you have to get to know you all over again. You are trying so hard to achieve wholeness that I think you are whipping yourself into a frenzy. You are doing such a great job. You are creating you from scratch. Be patient with you. Have more fun with it. All the suggestions for you have been so good. See? You asked for love and help and you got it. Isn’t that new behavior? Aren’t you proud of you?
Laura,
Thank you for writing that. You are so right, asking for help is a new behavior. And it felt very rewarding. Reading the responses and not feeling so alone has put me at ease.
Like you, and others that have commented, I struggled with finding my identity after the relationship ended. I became so consumed with the relationship and being what he needed me to be, that when it ended, I felt lost and numb. My mother is narcissistically inclined and extremely controlling. Therefore, I ended up with men who are very controlling (but coming here, I identified my own controlling behavior). My relationships were more akin to my mother’s character than my father’s. But my father is also EU, so there were sprinkles of him as well.
The journey to becoming more emotionally available has been one of the most difficult processes I have ever done. But it has been one of the most rewarding. I finally feel like I am becoming more authentic in who I am. I don’t feel like a winner every single day and I certainly have set backs, but I’ve come to far to turn back now. I can’t even imagine going back to the person I was 2 years ago.
Laura, I am so glad you finally feel at peace. You must feel so much lighter, so free. And that you can be anyone you want to be as long as it makes YOU happy. Life is so short and we only get one shot at it (unless you believe in reincarnation). Be who you want to be as long as you are living authentically. I wish you the best.
Same father. Took until middle-age to accept this fact.
Now that I have accepted it, I, too, believe that once dead, I will be free of chaos and sadness.
He is NOT the same way with my younger siblings. Why?
He has always wanted to control me to prove to his trophy wife that he could (I am younger, just as pretty/thin, educated, nice, etc.). The message to his wife: “You’d better not think of leaving or cheating. See how devoted this one is to me?”
They are sick people. Manipulative losers. The damage is huge.
Me too, Used. Same father. Did you see Jurassic Park…?..if so, remember when they show a dinosaur “hatchling”, and the first physical touch that freshly born dinosaur receives is from a human….they call that “imprinting”. Just recently I realized how much negative emotional imprinting I got from a BPD father and a NPD mother. And now, watching my father and his girlfriend relate, and how he tries to triangulate me into their dysfunction……I see the manipulation tactics…..I realize he has always been that way and I have been emotionally fine-tuned to be a codependent.
BR has helped me see I had no “tools” for building healthy relationships in my toolbox.
It’s scary …I feel like I never developed a full “person” in me….like I’ve been “on the bench” in my life.
I had a very vivid dream about 3 weeks ago that clearly depicted me as a house with multiple sources of light – floor lamps, table lamps, ceiling lights, sconces, front-door lanterns, but when I turn on the lights, the house is still very dim..and as the dream progresses I learn that the lightbulbs were intentionally swapped out by my Father….he filled every other light fixture with yellow lightbulbs that cast hardly any brightness..he had actually broken into my house and changed out every other lightbulb. And breaking in had been easy, and hardly noticeable, because he had entered in through some easy access windows. In order for me to learn who had done the break-in, a woman sidled up to me at a BlackJack table where I was on the verge of winning. I left before finishing the game, got home, saw how the break-in occurred, and saw that to lock the windows all I had to do was use some hardware I already owned, it was any easy fix. I had the hardware in my hands and was headed to the windows when I was side-tracked by a young woman who said I had to come with her now, it was urgent, so I followed her and did not install the hardware. That’s where I woke up.
I get you. Totally. He was the first to prey upon your empathy. People watched. They saw. They learned. They know that they can prey upon it, too.
Just say “no” with a smile.
Just stop caring what other people think.
Use your extra time for you alone.
My mother is definitely a narcissist. Ditto for dad!
About a month ago, I tried to forgoe Baggage Reclaim. I was so angry. I thought all this was a sham and that as a whole Natalie’s advice did not work. I’ve been single for 5 years since finding Baggage Reclaim.
Recently I went through a shit storm of chaos. I was facing homelessness, yet again. And a magical thing happened; I thought nobody cared about me (that just wasn’t true). About a dozen people in my community pulled together to get me out of a horror situation and into a beautiful habitable home (first time I have felt safe in a home my entire life).
Back to Nat and BR crew. I felt I had been misled and given advice that was oversimplified and did not work, as I was not in a relationship and still facing unavailable men.
So I threw everything I had learned here away (for a bit). I went out with a man who repulsed me out of pity. Soon everything Nat said would happen happened. Mind effing, being unseated, intense feelings of rejection, etc.
About a month in I went no contact and realized it all true. What she brings here is the truth and it’s not perfect. I realized if it weren’t for BR, I’d have been wasting away in a lie trying to convince I’m in something otherwise. Instead I am back on track tackling the rest of my issues; self-loathing and fear of job market.
Baggage Reclaim might have been the most valuable thing I have done for myself.
Silvercloud,
So glad to “hear” from you. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you have been. I am so sorry that you had to make the difficult decision to put your dog to sleep. That must have been a mix of extreme emotions, knowing he would be at peace but missing him terribly. I am so sorry for your loss.
That is great you have found a home you feel safe in. You must be able to sleep so well at night now. I hope this has brought you some solace during your time of grief at the loss of your dog.
I laughed out loud a little bit at your post because I have been there. I had times where I wanted to pack all this crap in and go back to my uncomfortable comfort zone. It just seemed so much easier. But once you have started down this path, it is extremely difficult to go back. Like Nat has said, it just feels uncomfortable and wrong to engage in that behavior again. Within the past couple of weeks, I had considered trying to date again. So I made some profiles for online dating and posted them. Well, that lasted less than 24 hours. I felt sick to my stomach and everything inside of me was telling me to take down my profiles. Online dating had been one of my patterns to gain attention and engage in unavailable behavior. I am not against online dating and know many couples who have met this way. This was just one of my unhealthy patterned behaviors. So I took my profile down and felt 100% relief. My gut is telling me to be patient and just keep living my life. So I’m listening to my gut.
I am so happy for you that you listened to your gut and knew this relationship was not going to be healthy for you.
I am glad you have found your “silvercloud.”
CLR,
What a beautiful response! I was swollen with grief for my dog (still am in many ways). The new home has been above and beyond any expectations. It is more Home than I have ever had. It is perfect for me in every way.
My best friend met her guy via online dating. He is great. They are great together. I personally do not want to online date so I don’t.
Not really hurting about dating too much right now as I sort of had a one night stand and it went swimmingly by my standards.
Take care
(Loved the last bit about the silver could.)
Hello BRers!
I have been reading the blog for several years and I’ve applied much of the knowledge and instruction to find my way out of and away from emotional unavailability. I’m still a work in progress. Nat’s recent encouragement emails, plus some positive lifestyle changes, have given me the energy I’ve been needing to get even more unstuck. I started working with a new psychotherapist in hopes of getting the support I really need to continue moving forward. It’s been 3 sessions and I’m already ready to end it — after reading BR, I just cannot deal with the mamby pamby passive way therapists approach emotional unavailability.
They don’t seem to understand why I end things with ACs. They see it as being too rigid or not accepting faults. My current therapist encouraged me to date a man at least 3 times before asking really important questions like whether or not he wants children (I do not!) or things about his lifestyle (drugs, alcohol, divorced, newly single). What is point of wasting my time with someone who isn’t a good match? I am finding it very difficult to stomach “tradition” therapists who just DO.NOT.GET.IT!!!! They don’t seem to understand how important it is to live an authentic life (dating with intention and not just to be out on a Friday night). I get the impression that she doesn’t have the first clue as to what it’s like to find herself across the table from EU ACs over and over again. She’s likely never been through years of ambiguity and apathy, doesn’t have a negative dating pattern and so she has no idea how to coach me out of one and definitely doesn’t understand how depleting it is! Thank you Nat!! You’ve been a life saver in so many ways. If only there were more therapists who understood us.
Beeks, I’ve tried out a lot of different therapists by now and even the one I settled for isn’t the best in my book, I’ve already wasted enough time to find one who’s at least acceptable (3 years of searching).
I don’t think your therapists doesn’t know what it’s like to be in ambigous relationships, I think she just doesn’t realize what’s wrong with that. She’s probably ambigous herself… cause if she wasn’t, she’d understand why you end relationships with AC. She doesn’t need to live through that experience herself, you telling her the story should be enough to make clear what’s up. But she still thinks your too rigid LOL That’s why I think she might just be receptive to certain shady behaviours and accepts them. I also think that because from my experience most people accept too much shady behaviour and act like “oh, come on, it’s not that bad” when you call them out on it. It’s pure denial of the truth and a lack of good ethics… it’s sad but most people I’ve met accept too much stupid stuff or even justify it.
Beks,
My current therapist used to be bad about that, then for some reason it stopped and she actually pointed out where I was needing to slow down with the dud guy I was starting to date.
I agree, this is a problem.
Hi Beks,
I would like to offer a slightly different perspective here. Of course you are 100% correct to end things with an AC before he has shown all his tricks. No reason to stick around for that! However, I’m not sure that asking a bunch of questions upfront is the best approach. Narcs, ACs and addicts are all accomplished liars who have learned to hide their true selves early in relationships.
Nat wrote about detecting red flags a few months ago and one point she made is that the best way to avoid getting involved with EU-types is to have healthy boundaries. This will filter out the ACs and other undesirables.
Dating isn’t just about avoiding EUs. It’s about finding people who are available for the kind of relationship you want. The problem with getting too personal too quick is that YOU may be sending up red flags that could discourage a man with healthy boundaries from pursuing a more serious relationship.
Wow this was great to read. I am just now working on closure from being “friends” with a very EU, Narcissistic, AC. He roped me in for 8 years – sweet talk, the thrill of the hunt, him helping me out, texting me … he was a boyfriend but at the same time he wasn’t. I was the OW and never knew until one morning when he let a few things slip. That’s when excuses flew from his mouth- “I’m not happy, she doesn’t sleep with me enough, she’s cheating on me…” I have met her. I have no doubt that these things aren’t true, and I could tell that within the first 5 minutes of meeting her. Over these very rollercoaster years of knowing him, and helping him with things in his life and just hanging out as friends , things have finally come to a halt. He admitted he had feelings for me, but his actions didn’t match. I had him on that pedestal hoping for the dream man to be there and just become even better suddenly. Didn’t happen. He let me down a lot – ignoring texts , ignoring a text when I was in hospital, not commiting to helping me out with massive work related report (he works in the same office), and basically just flaking. He’s started to just drift off more and more. Less contact , texts, but the flirting is still there. Sure he says he will come over and we can hang out like we used to but never happens. Finally today he suddenly said he is being transferred across country. He didn’t tell me until I confronted him because our boss told me about it. This man couldn’t even say he was leaving. He said he wanted to leave quietly … really? Ummm… he knew I was upset but he just showed me how selfish he really is. All I keep thinking was how it was “supposed” to be. What fun we would have and how things changed. Sucks… not sure I have much hope left in men I meet. How can I trust others won’t be like him?
The thing is, BanksyGirl, you’ve got to have your OWN back. You have to stop “hoping” things will turn out right with some half-stepper. Meaning…. the second something feels wrong, you kick that man to the curb, with NO explanations..nothing more than “It just didn’t work out.” Whatever shadiness that occurred, face it, he DID it…he will do it again…do you want to spend your life waiting for him to suddenly appreciate you? So, what I am saying is, you don’t trust that the other people won’t be like him, you trust the YOU will end the situation as soon as your gut questions something. Stop turning over the keys of YOUR life to other people.
Elgie – thank you. 🙂 I agree with what you say, and with this EU I had for so many years I absolutely disregarded the fact that I knew things were not right. I assumed things would change, he would finally be there for me. Basically my dream man was found! Double underline dream in that sentence because it all was a dream. I would get crumbs from him and it made me feel semi appreciated. He would hook me back in when I would start to pull away and try to find myself again. This time though, after seeing how he wasn’t going to even give me the courtesy of telling me he was leaving …. this is a man who won’t answer a text when you tell him you have something for him that HE wanted. He just can’t commit. It’s all on his terms. It’s interesting because his GF is cheating on him and has been for awhile now. I have a very good source. The EU has told me he thinks she is and has complained to me about that. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of seeing his highs and lows. I’ve seen him literally crying in my lap because he was so upset about things. Other times he just shuts down and refuses to talk to anyone. Lately he is guarded and will only talk in person for a minute or so and says he is busy. Even reminding him how much we have been through just doesn’t seem to matter– he is in his own little bubble. Was everything we shared and had a waste ? Was I hoping for too much ? If I had known after all of these years it would die such a slow death like this, I wouldn’t have ever stayed friends with him. I got played and I was silly to think he would change for me. It’s sad but at the same time with him leaving, I will now have time to heal. Should I give him the big “F U” speech before he goes? Honestly would it even sink in? Probably not. I have to be better than that and just move on.
Okay I need advice here. I’ve got an EU narcissistic friend of many years. He and I have flirted all of these years. He has a GF in college and they live states apart. In terms of him being a friend, he started out being there for me, and extremely available and helpful. Within the past few years that has allll changed. He tends to get moody, and won’t talk about why someone is upsetting him. He’s secretive about things that shouldn’t normally be . It’s made me exhausted – I can’t figure out what is going on. He rarely texts back now, and as an example this morning he texted me upset because he found out some news second hand about a mutual friend. I texted him saying I thought he knew so I didn’t text him. No reply. He’s punishing me. I texted him a few times … in the mean time I was with our mutual friend checking on her and he called her to offer advice. But he won’t text me. Mind u, she knows nothing about how close he and I are. This guy has said he would move in with me if things were different. Am I wrong to be angry about how he won’t text me and is probably upset or something with me ? I’m sick of this …
DubRose,
Just because he flirts with you and makes ambiguous statements about living together, etc “if things were different” does not mean you are close or intimate friends. When someone who is in a relationship with someone else behaves this way it is often nothing more than a sign of their inconsistency. The question you should be asking yourself is why are you so emotionally invested in this person who gives you nothing. You can’t fix or change him. You want more than he can or is willing to give and so you need to adjust your expectations. Some people are just like that: they get really intense with someone (not to be confused with being intimate) and then they lose interest. Don’t take it personally. Don’t hang around waiting for him to change. And don’t hold out any romantic hopes for this man. He is not worth it.
It sounds like you speak from experience Stephanie! He is still not answering texts and avoiding me. I think to answer your question , you would have to know that he is like a drug to me (I guess that’s the only way to describe it). I have been his fall back girl for so long, and whenever he sees me all he does is flirt and make me feel good. I’m not a super model, and he boosts my self esteem knowing that a buff handsome guy really likes me. He has some medical issues that I know about and have kept tucked away and he recognizes how I know a lot about him. I know mannnnny things. I let my walls down with him once he shared things with me, and that was difficult. The friend I spoke about in my previous post is my best friend and she has no clue about he and I. I have kept it a secret for along time and so whenever she says that he has pissed her off for some reason (they work together), I try to get more info and listen to see if he acts that way with her as well. The other day when he called her up but wouldn’t text me because I assume he was mad because I didn’t tell him about something related to her, I was just crushed. She thinks he’s odd and just very different with his humour and the way he can be super talkative and disappear. Rinse and repeat. He has not (as far as I know) hit on her because she is married and she just doesn’t look at him like that. I hate feeling jealousy over something so stupid. Emotionally I have been a mess for the past 3 years because of the way he has been acting. I saw some of your other posts talking about change — that’s what’s going on. He has changed, and I feel like I am better than all of this bull. I don’t want to keep this from my friend anymore and don’t want to lose her either. I am going to try going no contact – I have been sending him our usual good morning texts with no reply which just makes me crave an answer even more. We were supposed to work on building a shed together at my farm , but I don’t see that happening. Why can’t things by more simple ? Some days I wish I had never met him.
Dubrose: I think you’re having an inappropriate relationship with this guy with no suitable boundaries. He has a gf? And he tells you he would move in with you? And even if he’s single now, you’re not his gf. But you text each other good morning? Everyday ? This is not what platonic friends do in most cases. The only condition under which you could do this and it would be healthy is if you guys were high school friends or something and he treated you as one of the guys AND his gf and you were also good friends. If this is a secret (you haven’t told your best friend) ans I assume he hasn’t told his girlfriend that he tells other women he would move in with them and build their sheds, and you’re harboring romantic feelings then this is not an authentic friendship.
So you’re settling for crumbs but you’re going further – crumbs, little grains of nothing authentic, laced with drama, distrust, rejection and fears of abandonment.
I was recently reading Nats fallback book again – you should too. What about this do you enjoy? If you’re going to do something unhealthy at least enjoy it. If it makes you miserable what’s the payoff? Multiple texts to someone that doesn’t reply? Where’s the dignity in that?
I recommend reading Nat again and you might want to try ‘he’s just not that into you’ for good measure. the man sounds like a buff handsome louse – stringing you along while he has a gf, accusing you of not telling him details about his work friends life, promising you sheds he probably has no intention of building.
DubRose,
Go back and read the advice that was given to me to get “unstuck.” When I went back and reread my post (along with some of my other posts), I realized how much I had been focusing on HIM and HIS behavior. All of the advice was right, I need to focus on taking care of myself. That includes fostering a relationship with myself that includes love, care, trust, and respect.
This part is going to sting and I am sorry, but the “relationship” you describe with this man is not “special.” I know you feel it is “special” and “different” and “you know him like no one else does.” But that is part of the game these ACs play. They build you up, make you feel “special”, and then discard you like a piece of garbage. The ex AC would tell me things like, “You are the perfect match I have been looking for”, “I have never felt this comfortable with anyone,” “I have never opened up like this to anyone before”, and my favorite, “Your craziness matches mine (That should have been a neon CODE RED sign with flashing lights that said run, don’t walk, away). As Nat has said over and over, they are just words with no action behind them. Because of the lack of maturity, these guys say things on impulse with no plans to follow through. This is not a relationship in the sense of a mutually, co-piloted agreement. This is a one-sided, power play.
Who does this relationship remind you of? What has this triggered or activated in you? Like in your story, the ex AC would ignore me for days/weeks when he felt I had wronged him. My mom would do the same thing to me as a child. I would then work hard to “fix” things so I wouldn’t be ignored. I had completely regressed into a child role. Does any of that resonate?
Like Beks had mentioned, I needed to reclaim my identity. For almost 2 years, my whole being revolved around him and the relationship. Yes, the relationship was like a “drug.” So when it ended, it was like I didn’t know who I was. I had to re-find myself. What do you enjoy to do? What makes you happy? Are you close to family? So focus on you, find your authentic self, whatever that looks like to you. Write it down, journal, set some goals. I used to spend a lot time rereading Nat’s older blog posts and all the comments. I can not tell you how invaluable reading old comments has been. It made me realize how NOT special the relationship had been. I also got an idea from a previous reader who had put a picture up of herself when she had been a child to remind herself to take care of the inner child. I put up an old picture of my dad holding me when I was not even a year old. It reminds me to treat myself with compassion and empathy because that is what children need. As mentioned previously, you need to retrain your brain to have different thought patterns. It is so easy to get stuck in our own brains and over analyze everything. This is where journaling and writing unsent letters is extremely helpful. That is part of retraining your brain for new thought patterns.
Take back your life. Create a relationship with yourself that involves care, love, trust, and respect. Treat yourself with dignity and respect. Because once you start doing that, you will not allow yourself to be treated less than.
I wish you all the best.
DubRose, I am definitely speaking from experience, as are Suki and CLR. That’s why they gave such good advice. I would only add that you should also take a look at Natalie’s recent post about 48 ways to become more emotionally available. Not only will this prepare you for a more meaningful romantic relationship, it will help you work out intimacy issues in other relationships as well. I believe that you wouldn’t be in the place you are in if you had been able to open up to your girlfriend (or someone else) about what was going on with this guy. The secretiveness of the relationship gave you a false sense of closeness and specialness that I think you would not have felt if you had shared your feelings with someone else.
@Suki, CLR, and Stephanie: You all have given me so much to think about. I really looked back on how he “lured” me in years ago. Texts every morning, some through the day, and finally it was always texting back and forth at night while laughing and sharing a pic of what beer we were consuming. It was all very innocent to me, and I was completely naive to all of it. I craved his attention, and loved the chase from such a handsome man. He was my secret, and that was also very thrilling to me. Only my parents knew about how close we were and he even spent time with them off and on helping them with projects at there house etc. My father even helped him with some things and didn’t question anything. Thinking back, I realized how florence nightingale I was with this man, and I am ashamed of myself. I literally gave him things when he suggested that he needed them. He’s got a semi new AC unit, a used Flat Screen TV that I was going to sell, an Adirondack chair I made (yes I MADE IT..i have made a few in my time), and other random things. I sit here looking around – what has he given me? There are things he has given me, but most of the time he was full of empty promises with the BIG things he was going to share with me. Tickets to our favorite teams game – never saw them but he would text photos of himself from the stadium saying we would go eventually, telling me he wanted to take me out to dinner to thank me for helping him when we had to drive 5 hours to pick up his new car. That never happened. There are many more examples, and in my mind I just always overlooked this because he always talked his way out with his sexy charm, and flirtation. I got completely wrapped up in that.
I have thought about what this relationship reminds me of from the past, and I seriously do not know. I have a wonderful very close family, and had a great upbringing. The men I have been with in the past all were like this man in terms of their job which I hadn’t even realized. Those did not work out because they smothered me with trying to rush things and throw open the chapel doors when I was not ready to commit so quickly. As you all know this is not the case here at all. Honestly I don’t think I have ever considered marrying this man. I wanted a “normal” friendship from the start, and I got a OW status the day after my best friend introduced me to him.
The idea of finding myself again is HUGE. I absolutely agree with this because I find that I am consumed with thinking about him. Its been like this for years – When he would throw his back out I was on speed dial. When his dog was dieing, I was the driver and rushed us all to the animal hospital (it was simply awful because I did love that dog). Its just been a unique very close blurred line friendship that he apparently is okay with ending suddenly. He leaves for another job in 2 days which may end up being a permanent thing which means he would be gone. Just gone. I won’t see him around at all. Half of my brain tells me this is WONDERFUL, I need to detox and push forward and the other half is struggling knowing he is going to be fine because he just doesn’t see what he has done to me. Angers me actually.
My family has told me that they are over him, and wish him well but don’t care to see him again. They are very impatient with me because they don’t understand why I can’t just let him go and stop waiting for his texts and give in to NC. I have tried to explain that he is like a drug and I crave that attention like it used to be….it USED to be. ITs the past and I have to accept that.
I will have to see him tomorrow for a few minutes because we both go to the same Dentist and without knowing had scheduled appointments back to back from each other. What stinks is I already have a gut feeling he will be awkward and just not want to talk to me. After all of these years….its a shame.
Ladies I have saved your comments to my phone and read them over and over. This man needs to leave. He is not a good friend to me, and everyone else sees this. Wish me luck as I am going to delete his number. Thank you all!!
Well just as an update : this narcassistic , EU did take another job and he just left. I never got a goodbye, no text… he’s still “punishing me” for the incident where I didn’t let him know about our mutual friend. That’s my guess at least. For all I know im either blocked or he changed his number. Oh well… it sucks because of everything we did and went through but apparently I just didn’t mean as much as I thought. It hurts a lot… I’m not sure how I will handle it if he does indeed contact me or if he contacts our mutual friend while we are hanging out. Sigh.
DubRose,
Have you listened to Nat’s podcasts? They are wonderful. Her latest one, about crumbs, is one of the best. She talks about neglecting ones self and settling for crumbs in relationships.
While I know it’s easy for me to say, “Good that he doesn’t contact you,” I know it still hurts. So take the time to grieve and then make a decision to move on for yourself.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you CLR I am going to listen to it now : i know I need to move on and accept that he was not the man for me and he never gave me what I thought he would give. I have to step away even though I know it will hurt. I catch myself hoping my phone will go off and it will be him. Just a crumb. I deserve more !
I completely understand the hopes of your phone going off and wishing it is him. Have you considered blocking his number to eliminate the hope/disappointment cycle?
Over the years I have deleted his number so many times … he has also changed his number a lot which I never understood. Right now I think he has me blocked or he In fact did change to a new number. Either way I haven’t contacted him.
The way things went down, I feel like he was a total coward disappearing like he did.
Any thoughts on how to handle him if he does text or call?
In my opinion, I believe blocking his number is the best option. This way, you are not living in your head with all the possibilities of how to handle text conversation. You can then expend your mental energy to focus on you, healing, and moving forward.
He is absolutely a coward for disappearing like that. But he was also a coward when he was running hot. Any time someone who is already in a relationship develops such an intense and secret relationship with someone else it is a sign of weakness.
I meant what I said above. I think you need to start thinking about your own emotional availability and try to figure out why this situation got such a hold on you. The guy has a girlfriend. It was unrealistic to expect the daily texting to go on forever. Someone had to end it.
If he does get in touch, either give him the cold shoulder or tell him directly that he is not welcome in your life. Whatever you do, do not get pulled into an argument or discussion about the past. Any serious conversation will only give you more things to be angry about or, even worse, you may get sucked back in.
Thank you Stephanie and CLR – I want to be clear that I never intended to be the OW with this guy. I wasn’t raised like that and it’s caused me nothing but stress. I’ll never ever be with a man that was like this with me again!
I think his crumbs made me feel special. Not a lot of guys treated me well over the years, and he actually was kind and sweet. He complimented me on my looks, humour etc. it really boosted my ego. Once I started to workout and feel more confident, I think he got intimidated because a lot of other guys saw me and he knew that. I also think he just got bored “playing” with me.
For all I know he is still in touch with a couple of our mutual friends and it seriously makes my stomache turn to think about that. I don’t want to know if he is, and I don’t want to hear about him. He was a coward to just walk away like he did and now ignore me. My wall is so very sturdy and tall right now – I don’t think I could handle another guy right away.
This man was s piece of bologna when I thought I had ordered the filet mignon. I kept waiting and waiting for that cut of beef to appear … nope.
Yeah I listened to the podcast. Thanks ladies !
Soooo Stephanie et al — I have been NC with this guy. It’s been amazing. I felt “free”. Well suddenly this morning he sent the guilt text. I’m sure you all know what those are. They are quick texts “hey are you there?” 10 seconds later “oh I guess not you must be somewhere else.” To me this looks like control. He wants to make sure I will still talk to him, or he’s bored … it is such a mind twist and makes my stomache turn with confusion and anger !!! Anyways just wanted to update … I’m guessing u have all seen this .
DubRose,
Did you listen to Nat’s Podcast, “They just want your attention, they don’t want your heart”? A great podcast explaining the real reasons these guys make contact as well as our own reasons for continuing to engage.
CLR – yes and it’s all very blunt. It makes me see this guy in a new light. He claims he will be dropping by to see me and apologize for his actions. Bull. I’m better off without him because he changed into a very different man who I don’t have the time for. I’ve seen this new version and I am not capable of playing his games anymore. Time to move on!
I have 3 musts in a man honesty, integrity and fidelity. These mirror me so naturally I look for them now and if I see red flags I will abort. I knew a man who lied about his trophy young enough to be his daughter partner for months and told me I was a woman after his own heart. WTF! By the time he said this I had worked him out well and good after he actually confirmed what I thought about him. I had to work with him but now I don’t. The relief of not having to deal with this EU clown is immense. I pity his trophy as she is going to be burnt. He talked about plans he had for his future and that she would tag along but then he got cold feet (flip flapper). That is all she does, he does what he wants and she tags along being too young to work out his MO. He will manipulate her as that is his psyche. Not only that he doesn’t like someone who stands up to him and holds him accountable which is what I did when something went wrong. Then he became cold, callous and vile refusing to accept his responsibilities and be held accountable. He is so dysfunctional and typically EU. But I saw the red flags and didn’t respond to his flirting. That probably also annoyed him as his ego is women.
I have been told I am too cynical about dating but this was by a woman who validates herself by dating, is a control freak, selfish talking about me all the time and a martyr. Not qualities I like in people so I’ve deleted her phone number as I noticed she didn’t ring or text first. She is EU and each man she meets online is the one with a “connection” that is only chemistry. She says she knows she is the problem but I feel she is desperate and dates only so she can remarry and have a man to do the hard jobs she doesn’t want to. Yes really so her selection is off.
I prefer to surround myself with people who reflect my values and boundaries as friends as I don’t do acquaintances. I am happy living my life the way I wish to and won’t be judged by others for what I do or don’t do. Having never followed the herd I don’t intend to start. Like many I had to get over an emotionally abusive situation this time a long marriage and that is far harder to get out of than a “relationship”. I am scared of dating having gone years without a date but know that I will never remarry or live with a man again as I value my independence and know that there are people who admire me for this. I found Nat’s site after divorcing and have learnt so much. I am open but when I am on the cusp of considering a relationship if a good man came into my life, I have a massive curve ball thrown at me so my priority returns to sorting me and my life out again. I know that in times of turmoil I am more at risk of a dysfunctional relationship and will not let that happen. Life is still difficult and I wouldn’t wish to inflict it on someone else and become vulnerable to shady behaviour so I stay single. If it happens that I meet a lovely man then it happens. If not there are worse things than being alone.
My blind spot was being a pleaser, a florence nightingale and giving too much in the hope I’d be selected. Post divorce I worked on me and started riding again which restored my confidence in myself and life. Not only that but I forgave myself for not knowing the signs of EU and why my marriage was so difficult. Had I known before marrying what I know now he would have had no chance. To all of you I say, you have to forgive yourselves for not knowing what you do now. The important things is know patterns and red flags and move on quickly to avoid being sucked into dysfunction. I know that my gut instinct is spot on now and I am willing to let people unfold but once I have the proof then I act. I also work with 2 strikes and out but if the 1st strike is serious enough then it is straight out. I will follow through and don’t give a man with shady behaviour a 2nd chance now and am not afraid to say what I need or want in a relationship. If he blows cold he is out and the pathetic I’ll creep back in text will be dealt with by reply saying ” I am looking for a man who can step up to the plate and deliver a relationship with honesty, integrity and trust, not a texting relationship or an on/off deal. I don’t believe we are looking for the same things so I’ll just say it has been good to know you and wish you the best.” Then I’ll delete the number and go NC. I have manners and don’t believe in leaving the door open to men who play games.