Our romantic relationships and life in general imitate what occurs in the workplace. People are at various levels and have all started at different times and with different experiences and perspective. Each worker has their own idea of what they bring to the table and what, when, why and how they feel they should be noticed, promoted, or rewarded.
There’s someone who ‘punches their card’. They’re not exactly setting the world alight but they’ve got coasting down to a fine art. While some do it out of laziness, for many it’s about lack of self-confidence and a protective measure. They’ll settle if it means that they can remain in their comfort zone, even if it’s uncomfortable. Despite feeling frustrated or miserable, they’ll reason that at least they’re not thinking or feeling too much.
Someone else does too much (including other people’s work and overdoing it on briefs and instructions). They want to be liked. They also fear saying no and lack self-belief. It’s as if they have to do extra to prove that they’re not a fraud. They invariably feel under-appreciated and taken advantage of.
Someone follows “the rules” to the letter even when it hurts. It’s their internal rules, their sense of fairness and how they think things ‘should’ be done. When they think about raising ideas, they worry about sounding “rude” or “demanding”. They water their communication down to minimise risk which effectively minimises what they convey. Even if their career progresses, some feel left behind or passed over by people who didn’t do things the ‘right’ way. It’s also very possible that they don’t love or even like their job or chosen career. In truth, they feel unfulfilled but don’t feel as if they can or should do something else. They quickly remind themselves of security or dangers when they contemplate change.
Someone else is vocal and not too concerned with being popular or even liked. They innovate and will push ideas even if they’re not viable and are willing to stick their head above the parapet, voicing concerns, giving feedback, and willing to network.
There’s also likely to be a passive aggressive and/or aggressive that wears down people’s nerves (and possibly makes someone’s life a misery). They get away with it (for now). They’re charming, they don’t get called on it, there’s a lack of leadership, or they know the right people.
Our romantic relationships and life in general imitate what occurs in the workplace. Those of us who coast, who give and do without boundaries, and who squeeze ourselves into boxes with our “shoulds” and “should nots”, end up feeling unfulfilled (and confused as to why). It results in comparison and resenting the unfairness of it all.
Outdated and inaccurate rules block us from being or doing more.
We must know “our place” even if that place is discomfort or habitual pain.
Who am I to expect and want more for myself when I ____________? I mustn’t upset folks from the past by being disloyal to the ‘rules’ (the pattern).
If our internal rule is that we should sacrifice ourselves for love and abscond on our boundaries, it seems damn unfair that despite our suffering, that not only would that person fail to change but that they’d leave and bounce off to other relationships seemingly unscathed compared to us.
Whoa! Hold up a second here! I’ve kept my mouth shut, extinguished my needs, tried to be drama-free and ever-accommodating and now I’ve been ‘replaced’ by [the next person]? Why do they get to be happy?
We don’t actually know that they’re happier but we do know that they don’t give a beep about the same things that keep us clamped to rules.
What is any rule we’ve ever been taught based upon? Fear and guilt. They make us afraid so that we don’t break that rule and suffer consequences. And they make us compliant by pushing guilt like crack.
Rules and vows are based on the past. There was no regard for future situations and outcomes.
Originating in our childhood, we treat a rule as if it’s definitive and then wonder why people don’t follow them. It perplexes us when they don’t provide us with similar outcomes to our past or meet our predictions. This is especially the case when the people in question are similar to who we originally made the rule to protect ourselves from (or to appease).
It ‘worked’ for my parents and I got through a childhood on this rule! Why, when you’re so similar to my father/mother, aren’t you living up to the picture I painted in my mind? I don’t do ____ and _____ and ______. How did I still lose?
As I explained in my last podcast, we are not living in a meritocracy environment.
We’re not still at home or school. There’s no brownie points, stickers, stripes, pats on the back etc. Rules are invariably about appeasing one person (or a group) and their view of things, just like criticism is just one person’s view on how they like things done. Our rules are not the l.a.w or the universal view.
This is not a paint-by-numbers existence.
Sure, it’d be nice if the world played fair but that’s not the world we live in. Playing ‘fair’ isn’t about catering to our own unaddressed fears and misplaced guilt.
It’s too much to expect others to be fair when we’re not being fair to us in the first place and are persistently holding us back.
A rule based on fear and guilt to help us avoid something that we encountered with others won’t work for everyone else or even similar people.
Continuing to blame our disappointment on our worthiness keeps us further away from the freedom of an adjusted perspective and better relationships and experiences.
While we’re still viewing things with the same perspective and so remaining hurt, life moves on. We feel passed over and left behind. This does not have to continue if we accept that the rules aren’t rules.
If we follow ‘the rules’, whether they’re ones we’re parroting from our parents, school or other authorities from childhood or whether they’re our own made-up rules, what we’re not following is us. We’re not following our heart, our soul or our path.
Our faux rules only offer temporary relief. No matter how we follow rules, the fear they disguise remains.
If anything, the fear (and guilt) is only going to recede and our perspective become more honest and compassionate if we break the rules.
When we follow who we are instead, we enjoy life from an authentic place instead of feeling rejected because people aren’t responding to the masked version of us.
Following ‘rules’ equals following unhappiness.
We’re not in the past anymore, or at least we won’t be if we become conscious about repeating patterns. We can forgive ourselves for the past so that we can let go of the faux rules that harm us.
When we do, we notice, promote and reward ourselves, and we also show up for the things that we profess to need, desire and expect.
If we don’t want to be left behind or passed over, we mustn’t leave ourselves behind in the past. We must not pass us over.
Your thoughts?
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How do you do it? You manage to read my mind on a particular problem and then spout out the advice that I need? I have been ruminating over the ‘unfairness’ of ex not repaying me for all the money I gave him to keep him going during the recession. Now, when I text him for repayment (as promised) he just ignores me. I have spent the 6 weeks since I left him in total anger over his lack of playing by my ‘rules.’ I need to blow out the anger and inhale the opportunities that are there for me to recoup that loss in my business.
Natalie,
What a powerful post. We are having issues at work and I’ve been challenged a great deal by my own people-pleasing, don’t rock the boat behavior. Yet, I DID rock the boat and stood up to our new boss to simply find out why a new policy is so unfair. I asked to have someone explain things to us and I have garnered the ire of my new boss. Over the weekend I had a good talking to with myself and I realized something that your post talks about — I am unfulfilled and putting up with this job out of fear. I have been programmed to be manipulated by guilt and guilt has become a red flag to me. When I feel it I start to do the detective work to see why.
As I was walking to another office after reading this post I realized I have been telling myself what my parents always did: that I can’t succeed as an artistic/creative person (despite knowing many people who have and despite making part of my income in the arts my whole life).
I also tell myself I can’t have love AND art, too — another fallacy from my parents. I feel like I learned a lot today about what my inner rules are and how I am being passive/aggressive instead of owning my true desires. It is not our new boss that is making me unhappy. It is me who is preventing me from BEING happy.
As ever, you are the best.
LauraG,
Don’t listen to what your parents said, unless it was positive and encouraging. I laugh with my mom as to what my EUFather used to say to me (luckily she left him). Now, if you said those things to a child, the child would be taken out of the home for “emotional abuse” charges! I so get this post, thanks Nat, since I know the “rules” and it occurs to me now, of course no one else is playing by them.
I text or email someone and the person gets back to me a month later. Well, that is not playing by the rules. How unfair, oh only to me as the person I am trying to reach is doing what he or she wants – I am not being considered as I don’t matter.
I SO want to process this and understand no one is playing by my stupid rules. I wish I knew this earlier, as it would have prevented lots of heartbreak. Try to forget about the money owed. Work some extra hours, and pay yourself the money owed by a stumble-bum ex. I did that with some money someone owed me, I worked extra time and “paid myself.” It was the only way I could get over it. Good luck and best thoughts.
Interested in seeing how this can connect with boundary-setting. Everyone has different boundaries, and boundaries shift by context and situation. Boundaries are very similar to rules, but rules are more rigid and lead to more frustration with the people in our lives and identity conflicts. I don’t know how to explore this more, but I’ll try to draw more contrasts and connections between rules and boundaries. 🙂 Thanks for getting me thinking!
Good point Olivia…I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.
Maybe boundaries are more flexible because they have principles behind them, so they adapt to situations.
I can see as well how early on my BR journey I was thinking of boundaries as being like rules, then getting frustrated at my inability to ‘follow’ my boundary…it was only when I realised that I needed to go a bit deeper in my own thinking that I ‘got’ boundaries
Eg ‘I will dump men who don’t turn up on time’ = rule, which leads either to ignoring it when I really like someone or following it and later being sad I dumped someone nice, as opposed to ‘I don’t accept disrespectful treatment’ = principle, which maybe means the boundary is ‘If he turns up late without good reason, that is disrespectful’. Thinking about it, there would be many different boundaries arising out of the one principle.
Definitely interested in hearing more on this point, Nat!
Love this post, Nat. So simply to the point, yet deep and powerful. I appreciate your insight so much and all that you do for us!
So true, Natalie!
I’ve been reading your site for almost half a year now and it’s really helped me so much. Your writing is so spot on, like others say. I don’t know how you do it, but you get to the very core of things and word them so that it just speaks! You’ve brought a lot of clarity to me, about my own behavior and that of the people I’ve been with.
I actually just did this too–I broke the unspoken rules I had let be set up with an EUM I’d been seeing (again, unfortunately). I thought it would be different this time, ignored some red flags, and found myself adhering to “rules” that we never spoke of but I definitely felt had been put in place, my him and myself! Out of fear I didn’t do anything for as long as I could, trying to stick it out and believing it WOULD be different.. but then I knew it wasn’t, and so this time I told him how I felt, that I needed him to be clear with me and for us to talk about this and find out if we were on the same page or not (even though from his actions it was clear we were not). Of course, he hasn’t texted me back, and I doubt he will be able to bring himself to face up to the reality.
But I feel free. “If anything, the fear (and guilt) is only going to recede and our perspective become more honest and compassionate, if we break the rules.” So right! I don’t feel afraid anymore, or guilty. Once I let my truth out and broke the unspoken rule that we weren’t supposed to have any kind of “talk” about our “relationship”, I felt honest finally.
I won’t lie and say I didn’t also find myself having a cry at least one night because of, well, inevitable sad feelings about “losing” someone or “making” him leave, but that pain was temporary as well. And he, as well as I, make our own decisions, we don’t make each other do anything, as he didn’t make me follow that rule, and I didn’t make him leave.
It’s hard, but I want to keep myself honest and more long-term focused in my relationships from now on. I mean, I knew that’s what I wanted, but I didn’t know how to go about it or what to say if I was in a situation where it wasn’t working towards that, but I feel much more equipped and understanding of what might be happening or not after having read your posts!
Thank you again. I’ll be back I’m sure, but better equipped now and hopefully with better tales 😉
It is the first time i post on this blog while i am read from time to time and i find the majority of the posts very spot on.
This particular one though i find it confusing. For which ‘rules’ we speak here? the general rules we learn from our parents , the moral rules? ethics? something else? which rules we are not supposed to expect from other people to follow in order not to get dissapointed or passed over?
General ethics in society and interpersonal relathionships are not supposed to exist in order not to end up in chaos?
Of course the world is not fair and justice is not served a lot of times but what does this mean ? that we should not opt for this , or not speak about it when they are violated? the advice is to accept the injustice or the amorality / immoralily coming for some folks or work places or institutions as something that just happens ? and we should try to adjust to the new conditions breaking own rules so we stop feeling dissapointment or passed over?
When a violation of the moral rules of human society or an interpersonal relationship happens close to me i personally feel the anger , the hurt and the injustice that comes from this, i vocalise it very loudly to the person or structure that is responsible and instead of breaking my own rules in order not to feel passed over i express exactly waht i feel and think. Sometimes it creates a positive change , sometimes not. Instead of trying to adjust myself to accept injustice i search if something can be repaired. If i see that the person or the work place or the situation in general is too toxic i just leave but not without expessing my exact perspective first.
Why to let situations who are obviously unfair to take over me by becoming flexible to rotten ways of existing? if my parents or the school or my friends gave me good rules and a good character why to let others make me drop it? in order to adjust in their rotten ways so i do not feel hurt? no thanks. Hurt and anger sometimes are very useful emotions becouse they motivate us to act against injustice and assclowns in general . I prefere this than experiencing a ‘zen’ life trying to be cool all the time while breaking my internal code of ethics soas to adjust in a toxic environment.
The environment or the assclown shoud change or extinct, not me. If this is not possible, ANTIOS..
40 years of my life i appeal this and i can tell you , it is very efficacious and no , i do not feel neither abandoned, nor passed over. I have built my life with trusting and reliable people pushing out the ones who tried by any means to make me succumb in a way of life that i disaprove. In fact some people and structures who really tried hard to make me abide to their toxicity are very much abandoned and feel obviously passed over . It just takes self -respect, patience and resiliense. By no means i am a rigid person, i just know very well which things are absolutely non negotiable for me and i choose very carefully my battles.
nina
Ladies, I just want to say I have been out here dating for five loooooooong years. In the worst city in the world to date in (I think), New York City. I FINALLY met someone and it’s going really well. Of course, it’s way too early to know how it will all pan out but for the first time in 5 years, I seem to have met someone I like, who likes me. No muss, no fuss, no games. If it’s one thing I can say, keep it moving. Give everyone 2-3 dates tops, and then move along if those red flags are flying. Move along, because whatever flag shoots up on date 1 or 2 is the same one you’ll be dealing with on date 1,295.
Don’t be unreasonable, and allow for slight miscommunications via text/email (get on the damn phone so you know you’re on the same page!).
If you feel like a guy is starting to hot/cold or play games, bring it up straightforwardly! After a 5th date, which went great, my guy disappeared for 3 days. I thought, here we go. He panicked and is ghosting. Rather than play coy or dump him, I sent him an email saying ‘It looks like we’re not going again, would you mind sending me back my hat?’
He was shocked and asked why I thought that. When I told him, he explained he’d been out on a big fire all weekend (he’s a volunteer fireman) and helping make housing arrangements for the couple who lost their home. Yes, people have lives. I explained that I didn’t know, I can’t read minds. Since then he has been super good at contacting me just a little every day, no matter how busy he is.
Watch to see if they STEP UP, not that they are perfect from the get go.
When a guy likes you and you’re a priority, it goes pretty smoothly. If you feel like you’re tearing your hair out trying to get straight answers, move along… move along…
Congrats, Diane, that’s fantastic!!!
I struggle with the whole courtesy rule thing. Mainly with my friends instead of guys. I try really hard to be considerate, honest and open. I feel like in return I get shady behavior such as canceling for better offers with other friends, lying and put downs. I thought we were suppose to treat people how we want to be treated. I hear these same “friends” complain about others that do this to them so they are not ok with it even though they dish it out just fine. I feel like it is common behavior with many friends so I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me. Any suggestions?