Nat in full flow at Splitz
It’s been a very emotional week for me as I received an unexpected acknowledgement and apology about something after 21 years (more in the podcast) but I also had the pleasure of spending the day with survivors of domestic abuse at Wiltshire-based charity, Splitz. I was honoured to spend the day with these warriors talking to them not just about self-esteem and No Contact but also how in retrospect, you look back on your time with someone who you lost yourself with and wonder how the hell you ever took some of their rationale seriously. There was a helluva lot of laughing as I did skits of various scenarios and they also shared stories too. I love that The No Contact Rule gets passed around and read aloud in groups.
On to this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!
Here’s what I cover in episode 19:
Don’t delay your happiness with an affair: Sometimes we meet someone who we feel a deep attraction and a connection with but…. they’re still in a relationship. I explain why someone else’s partner isn’t the one for you and why it delays happiness and invites problems, pain and guilt into your life.
Change Isn’t Gonna Happen By Following Faux Rules: Many of us have been using rules that we either made up or that were taught to us in childhood. These helped us to cope but are leaving us ill-equipped for adult life. Sure, following the rules at school or with our parents may have helped us get the grades or keep the peace, but we’re not living in a meritocracy environment plus other people are not playing by our rules so we have to get down to the business of being authentic.
About intentions and a person not being able to control it: When someone hurts us time and again but they keep going on about their intentions or we reason that they can’t control what they do, it’s time to call time on the BS because it’s not about the intentions, it’s about the repeated result and they do control themselves with others.
Listener Question – Why do have so much difficulty closing the door even though it’s two years post-breakup? After her relationship with a critical and controlling partner ended, this week’s listener has taken time to rebuild her life and her confidence yet can’t help but still wonder if he was right and that there’s something wrong with her.
What Nat Learned This Week: It only took around twenty-one years but I received an acknowledgement and apology about something last weekend and I share why as ‘nice’ as it was to get it, it wasn’t salvation as such and it didn’t change me or really anything, because I’d already made my peace with it–it’s that whole making your own closure by learning to accept an apology and acknowledgement that you never got.
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Nat xxx
Nat xx
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I think it’s great that you got to share your gifts with domestic abuse survivors (and I loved this podcast too)! I am a survivor of some pretty nasty emotional abuse. I had no idea of what was happening to me, and came out a shell of my former self. I am so thankful for Baggage Reclaim for helping me stick to No Contact. It was/is definitely a process, and I have so much compassion for abuse survivors. It really can be challenging to escape the abuse cycle. I have since taken the course on boundaries and am doing the 100 days of self esteem right now. I have really come a long way, and thank you so much for being a part of it. You truly are gifted for what you do! Thank you! ?
Thanks Tiffany. It was a fantastic experience.
You are so right about how difficult it is to break away, especially because emotional abuse really creeps up on you with their insidious comments and digs (and chops). It feels as if they’re in your head and it takes time to snatch back your reality. Take care of you and be proud of how far you have come.
I’m finally seeing these people for who and what they are. It’s very dangerous to be around them at all. They will work very heard to try to beat you down and get you to buy their reality. They seek to make you feel small, anxious and vulnerable so you are easier to control.
Had a guy who had been attempting to charm me and failed, recently began to start chopping me. The first time he did it it was subtle and I was confused for about a minute. I recognized that familiar knot in my stomach and I didn’t take the bait. He’s tried 4 more times since, once one a public forum. Each time I ignored him. I gave him zero attention. He’s since removed the public one and stopped contacting me. I want nothing to do with him.
I am still in very limited contact (mostly NC) with my abusive daughter and the fog has started to clear. I am starting to make peace with the past and enjoying the present.
Progress! It feels amazing to recognize them, recognize that I can protect myself from them and to recognize the progress and growth.
Thank you, Nat!! Thank you to all of you. You have been such a great source of support and inspiration. Some of you haven’t been commenting in the past few months, I trust that you are well and taking good care of yourself.
I can relate the listeners questions. It’s been quite sometime since I’ve spoken to the either the EUM and the MM I was involved with and recently a guy I was with ghosted on me. I know I shouldn’t internalize it but when another guys does something I think about the others treating me a certain way and why wasn’t I good enough.
As horrible as it sounds I almost wished one of these guys would have said I was too loud (as the listener was told by her ex) because then I feel like it’s something I can fix but to have every single one of things guys claim nothing negative about me yet, ghost on me, stand me up, ignore me and (with the exception of the MM) not want to be with me.
I had several conversations with the guy who ghosted on me about staying friends but then to see him disappear like I never existed makes no sense. I know I shouldn’t think this but I think what did I do? Last night I had too many drinks and started crying and became so angry that none of these men cared about me. I hate that those negative thoughts keep creeping up months or years past being involved with them. I don’t know what to say to myself that will stick to let go of these feelings for good.
I have been out of the marriage for a while. but he came back after a few years. I seen him and the new wife today and I had been NC. It broke today, when I seen him and her and he went in the store and she came up to my vehicle and stated..’he only calls you when he wants something. he is using you. I know he loves me and not you… blah blah blah and then she said, he told me you are chasing after him and you are mad bc he does not want you and he wont have sex with you anymore. I told her its all lies. because I do not chase him and he still a does come over here and there and we had sex the other day. I know stupid of me but its like it set me back to square one. but when he left, I changed my phonenumber and I was doing so good. this feels horrible and debilitating. I wish he would just die or move out of the state. and she believes everything he tells her. so I called him and cussed him out. I know he doesn’t care. hes is a TRUE narcissist. This site gives me strength. I had divorced him 5 years ago and moved on with my life, then when he came by here, I thought I was strong enough to not be manipulated again. but I am finally really seeing I have got to go 100% no contact AT ALL. and if he comes to my door, I will call the police.