Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
In episode 77, I cover:
The Friend Zone: I explain some of the key reasons for being Friend Zoned including putting on our ‘friend hat’ because we think that the best relationships started out as friends first [and then being surprised that we are only seen as a friend], being focused on coming across in a certain way and so forgetting to be ourselves, and doing so much that there’s no need for it to become a relationship. I also talk about the importance of identifying whether you have a type.
When they don’t apologise: I talk about five key reasons why some people just don’t apologise including believing that apologising for one thing is akin to apologising, not just for other similar transgressions with you, but transgressions with others in their past that they haven’t been willing to apologise for, along with seeing apologising as it making them 100% responsible and you 0%. I also share a few next steps for if it’s you that has a problem apologising.
Breaking up with your vision: When we end a relationship, we’re also breaking up with the vision that we had of ourselves in that relationship, but it doesn’t mean that we’re broken or hopeless.
Listener Question: How do I set boundaries with my patronising and overbearing co-worker?
What I Learned This Week: Everyone’s going through their own struggles and the same person that you’re admiring for something you think you’re not is admiring you for that same thing. The friend I mentioned in this portion was Janet Murray—if you’re running a business (or thinking about it) and get stressy about the marketing of it, she’s your woman!
Links mentioned
- #relationshipgoals
- What’s the baggage behind it?
- Over-apologising
- Standing Up To Disrespectful Co-Workers
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Just popping in to say thank you again. These are life savers for me. I’d like to address something. While I have been in therapy for near a decade as I grew up in a violent, neglectful, addicted, incestuous home, I find that therapists give the worst dating advice more often than not.
I’ve never stuck with a therapist that didn’t help me for long, but I couldn’t entrust even the ones I’d been going to for years with soliciting dating advice. They just don’t get it. I attribute it a lot to the intricacies of dating and self-esteem never having the in depth easily accessible platforms BR offers. Plus, there’s just heaps of truth here regardless if it’s pleasant or socially acceptable to hear.
As always, thank you, Natalie.
You’re very welcome, Silvercloud. I think finding a therapist isn’t too dissimilar to dating or job hunting. It is really is a question of how you match up in values and paying attention to any discomfort signals. A big thing is picking up on biases as well as poor boundaries, plus, a therapist who doesn’t know how to empathise or who exacerbates rather than alleviates, is one to let go of.
Silvercloud and Natalie!! After I started reading BR I have dropped two therapists (several years apart) because the advice they gave was so bad that I just couldn’t trust that they had my interests at heart. You are right, they don’t get it. One of them actually told me to stick with a man that was clearly doing things to heighten my abandonment issues on purpose. She felt that I needed to stick with him so that I would eventually get over my issues. I very quickly realized that she did not have the same dating history I did and that man needed to exit my life because my spidey senses were telling me something wasn’t right – and it all came out in the wash a few weeks later. He had a girlfriend in another state!
Natalie, I have dodged many a bullet using the wisdom I’ve gained from your blog. I may be single – but I’m sure not sorry! Thanks a million!!
Your comment made me smile Beks and I think I must do something on this whole choosing a therapist issue.
Telling you to stick with a man who was heightening your abandonment issues is a fascinating suggestion, I must say. It’s not like you’re going to her for a phobia of spiders or dogs–I know some suggest spending time immersed with them to get over the fear!
I fail to see how you *staying* with a man who was deliberately exacerbating your abandonment issues, would help you get over them? I can see how having been with that man and recognising your abandonment issues and where they are stemming from and for instance, what similarities this man had with your past that was triggering you could be helpful, but to stick with him??? She’s been at the crack and playing God with her patients. Dodged a bullet indeed!
Great Podcast, as I have been friend-zoned, lol. The man has told me that we have had great conversations & he thinks, “it ends there”. I thought that was odd because I was under the impression that good relationships start there. When he told me his tales of woe while he tried online dating & he’s turning up zeros, I listened. But he didn’t call me either! So I was assertive; I point blank asked him why he didn’t call me/mostly because I am so tired of getting the round around & getting toyed with over decades, I wanted to know where I stood. He seemed to make an excuse about “different personalities” and then I just suggested that maybe he’s just not attracted to me & he agreed. I have a feeling he’s looking for an educated breadwinner/housemaid/cook; an old-fashioned wife with a modern paycheck, although he says he doesn’t want to get married for 5 years since he got divorced one year ago (which I listened about through that, I listened when his daughter got into legal trouble. I am a great listener, LOL.) But I am none of those “wifey” things anymore with Fibromyalgia; I have some assets & I manage, that’s the best I can do right now. Plus I am not looking for a husband; just a good reliable boyfriend. I’m starting a book called “We” by Robert A. Johnson to help sort these kinds of things out, recommended by Russell Brand. ~~ Just to add to the previous posts, I have been down the therapist route for 7 months too and I cannot say it was very productive. I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist for 7 months specifically to address over-spending & over-eating and neither of those issues got addressed in 12 visits. We ended up talking all about my dysfunctional parents & then she started giving me art career advice, and I called it quits. Her “therapy” consisted of me buying a book from Amazon and going thru mindfulness exercises; it was somewhat helpful, but not 12 visits X $144 worth.
I loved someone who did not value me. Kept adjusting to try and fit to what I thought I had to be, but also ignored the red flags, his words and would not accept reality and walk away. He would never friend me on facebook (silly I know) and referred to me as a special friend, the “relationship” was mainly distance and online. Told me that I walked out on him when I had to return to my home country to care for my sister, when I went back to the city to work as I felt like a nuisance sharing his tiny apartment. Threw me over for someone who he professed his love to, who then threw him over. He never told me he loved me. Then he wanted to try again which was the wrong thing to do, but I was on my own in another country, in a stressful job and still loved him, despite all that had gone before. I tried to be myself but he treated me even worse. He said he never knew what I wanted when it had been pretty obvious from the beginning, but in my willingness to be seen as a good partner I let my expectations be managed down. At the end of the day it was just sex – he said that was where we were 100% compatible, which just distressed me. But I kept going back and the dumpings became worse until he told me his life was looking up and he could not be in contact with me anymore. Within months he had met someone else and he is now in a long term relationship with her. This was always going to happen. He said he did not want the white picket fence, but he did, just not with me. I was just a “useful friend” after 4 years of hot and cold, push and pull. I completely lost it and wrote many angry emails to him and others which just made me look worse and lost friends as a result. I have to take responsibility for my own actions and make sure this does not happen again. I have been to a few therapists but it is slow going – I know I am sensitive to perceived rejection/exclusion (from childhood) and have anxiety issues (not good enough). It is awful to wish your life away but the more time passes, the more I forget and hopefully the pain I feel will diminish.
I hate unsolicited advice! There are times, of course, when it’s absolutely needed, such as if someone’s doing something dangerous. But all too frequently it seems to be that you’re not doing something the way a third party likes it.
While enjoying a Spanish holiday this week, I found myself feeling peeved when a local woman staying at my hotel “showed” me how to use the toaster. I’d been using a pair of tongs to pull the grill plate out, but I was shunted aside by this pushy woman who insisted I use my hands and would not accept that I didn’t want to do it her way because the metal was hot. When I sat down to breakfast I was feeling annoyed as I told my partner what had happened, but he agreed with me that unsolicited advice is irritating, however minor it seems. And if someone is trying to get you to save time then you often waste more time learning “their” way.
In the workplace I was similarly annoyed whenever the Assistant Director of Studies at my teaching job would butt in when I was editing a report to the house style, insisting that using keyboard shortcuts when cutting, copying and pasting would save me time over using the drop down menu. While that may have been true, it was the way I automatically did it and it was quick enough. It was a small enough thing, but a big indication of what a control freak she blossomed into! On the other hand, when I started at the same job another teacher offered lots of unsolicited but helpful advice, no doubt because she saw me looking confused on a number of occasions. She would always add, however, that I should feel free to ask for help any time I needed it.
The key is to always to ask if someone needs help beforehand, but also to say that you appreciate offers of advice, but will ask when you need it.
I was desperate for love and got involved with a man who after I fell in love with after a month, discovered he was married. His excuse for cheating was because he was cheated on with his first girlfriend. He was married 3 times. He claimed he was tricked into first one, second one was to get citizenship for wife and three one I didn’t know. He told me if it was the last thing he would do his divorce and marry me. We lived together for six years. I discovered he still was cheating and friend zone me to move in with woman he was cheating with. I guess I had chosen wrong and believed I was helping him get the life he deserved with a good person. He used me and lied and continued to cheat. It was a lesson well learned. I deserve better and if you find a (person stupid, leave them stupid).