In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I focus on the early stages of dating (stages 0-1) and how we can become more grounded and set ourselves up for future success if we adopt a recruiter mindset. We have to recognise that just like a job search, dating is a co-interview process where it’s as much about us ascertaining whether they’re a good fit for us as it is about what they want.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- Even though a job description might sound ‘perfect’ or totally suited to us, we still recognise the need to actually have an interview (or a series of them) and suss the company out. We don’t assume that we already have the job.
- There are things that raise a flag in our mind whether it’s during a job search or dating. When it comes to the latter, we’re more inclined to ignore our discomfort because of our desire to be in a relationship or hold on to our image of a person.
- Just like in a job hunting process where we won’t find out what the job is actually like until we actually take the role, we cannot get a real sense of who someone is until we progress from dating into a relationship.
- Some people are great at giving good date or interview….
- Sometimes it takes leaving one job (or relationship) and starting another to realise that what we thought we needed or wanted isn’t the case. We needed the experience to discover this.
Sometimes we’re so focused on getting the job or relationship that we don’t pay attention to how we feel on that journey or what’s going to happen afterwards.
- Actions follow energy. If we go into things with a desperate energy, we engage in desperate actions.
- Dating apps and websites facilitate an introduction. We don’t ‘meet’ the actual person on them.
You don’t start dating or a relationship at the first click or swipe.
- Even though we believe that we are gathering more information about people through dating profiles, we’re not. Real life interactions is where it’s at for ascertaining genuine compatibility.
- Begin with the end in mind.
- Not everyone is a good fit for the type of relationship we want. Yep, just like we can’t take every single job.
- Auditioning for a relationship has a very different energy to it than showing up as equal.
- Sometimes we’re so focused on how we’re coming across and editing ourselves that we don’t realise that we’ve stopped being us.
- Whatever we’re afraid to ask or know is exactly what we need to ask or know.
“I don’t want to pass up a good opportunity.” This only means something if it’s in harmony with your values. There’s such a thing as making choices and practising discernment.
- A recruiter mindset teaches us to take the early stages of dating less personally. We also humanise people by going easy on the checklists.
- When we encounter difficulties or endings in the early stages of dating (or job hunting), it’s a Get Out of Jail Free card. Take it! We haven’t had to go through the experience of getting the job or relationship. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of beating ourselves up but we don’t know what lies ahead.
Links mentioned
- Make & Mend Festival
- Are your desires based on preference or programming? (ep. 144)
- Why Online Dating Profiles Can’t Live Up To Real Life
- ‘Getting Along’ Plus Compatibility Equals Intimate, Loving Relationships
- The 5 Stages of Relationships (ep. 123)
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Nat,
Thank you for writing this. I was waiting for it. Much appreciated.
-K.
You’re welcome!
“Whatever we’re afraid to ask or know is exactly what we need to ask or know.”
That part!!
Sometimes I think about the current job I’m in and I’m like… should I have stayed where I was? What has changed really?
A recruiter mindset is great! I thought I was being too cold lately (lately as in like yesterday lol) and this I was listening to your podcast this morning!
Hi Tealove. I think that sometimes we make a move assuming that it’s because it’s XYZ, only to discover that it isn’t. That doesn’t mean that you should have stayed where you were. Maybe what’s worth exploring are the factors used to determine which jobs to move to.
A recruiter mindset with dating to clarify.
At 35 with no kids and an estranged narcissistic, EU, verbally abusive hubby, I now take dating too seriously and it’s not working out for me at all!
It’s like I’m assessing every man I date to see if he’s good enough to sire a child. Then if things go well for 2-4+ months, I start talking about how much I’d like kids in the near future and (as I did with my most recent ex), ask the poor sod for timescales!!! “So do you think you’d be ready in a year? Two years?” – It’s a disaster! I’m behaving like a bonkers, desperate saddo – and that’s really not who I am. I’m just terrified of having my time wasted over and over until my chance to be a mum withers and dies along with my reproductive system.
So this podcast is a lifesaver! I need to stop treating dating like it’s life and death, put my recruiter hat on and start enjoying the process (even though it terrifies me).
Worst case scenario? There’s always the sperm bank!
I think it’s a good idea to have a conversation early on about what you want/what your partner wants. If you meet a guy who doesn’t want kids, or doesn’t want them for, say, 10 years, you want to know that.
My sense is that it’s more about how it’s done – if it’s a high pressure ‘when are we doing this?’ type of chat, that might be a bit much. But a regular chat about what you each want out of life, including kids, if and when…I think that’s totally fine.
J,
Yep we did all that – had the conversation initially and he said he wanted more kids. Fast forward 4 months and he’s changed his mind altogether.
Also, it’s very risky for women to put their baby cards on the table like that so early, cos you will be perceived as a desperate old cat-lady (that will scare most guys away, I know, I’ve tried).
I’m already in the process of conceiving via IUI using donor sperm. It’s time, and I can’t keep waiting for a man to make a commitment to me, or a healthy relationship to develop cos that might never happen (hasn’t to date) and I’ll miss out altogether.
The relief I feel already is so amazing. I can actually talk to a guy now and not feel pressured because I’m handling matters by myself.
My friend did this. In fact, I know a few people who have. And you can still have a relationship after having a child!
Amen!
“I’m behaving like a bonkers, desperate saddo”
Ah, don’t be so hard on yourself, IAmTheBeesKnees (love the name, haha). Your concerns aren’t unfounded — if they know that they don’t see themselves doing that within the next few years, you’re not on the same page. And it’s not about whether they see themselves doing it *with you* (that’s later), but if it’s not their intention because it’s not their values, it’s not something they want, it’s better to know this sooner rather than later. Someone who doesn’t want to have children or knows that they don’t see themselves having them until X age, knows this — and can communicate it to someone who clearly has a very different timeline.
The thing with this whole line of thought with “emotinally unavailable men” is that it is kind of self-delusion of women over 35. Most men become readily available to a woman much younger then them when the time is right. Then, they suddenly “get it” – because they want to! So maybe the answer is not to figure “UAM” out. Over 35, we should just admit to ourselves that finding lasting “love” in a conventional heteronormative setting becomes more unlikely every year. Instead, focus on yourself and MAKE MONEY, for all the fake power you have in this world as a woman is fading fast. Focus on being happy without that power, and stay away from exercising power via and against your children.
“Sometimes we’re so focused on getting the job or relationship that we don’t pay attention to how we feel on that journey or what’s going to happen afterwards.” – I can defenitely relate to it.
I have been acting like a desperate job seeker lately, trying to look great on webcam, with perfectly combed hair and fresh makeup, smiling every single second. It occurred to me that such behaviour was a bit unnatural and might have scared away a couple of potential matches. That girl “cute doll” was too good to be real)))
I decided to stop acting like a jobseeker and adopt the recruiter mindset. After all, interview is a collateral process when it comes to dating.
“Sometimes we’re so focused on getting the job or relationship that we don’t pay attention to how we feel on that journey or what’s going to happen afterwards.” – I can definitely relate to it.
I have been acting like a desperate job seeker lately, trying to look great on webcam, with perfectly combed hair and fresh makeup, smiling every single second. It occurred to me that such behaviour was a bit unnatural and might have scared away a couple of potential matches. That girl “cute doll” was too good to be real)))
I decided to stop acting like a jobseeker and adopt the recruiter mindset. After all, interview is a collateral process when it comes to dating.
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