One of the reasons online dating is so popular is that depending on which site or app you use, daters can gather information up front about the suitability and attractiveness of a prospective partner. On the flip side though, many people find dating challenging due to feeling as if they can’t trust the information in dating profiles. Experiences of feeling misled, used and disappointed are a turn-off.
‘According to their profile, we like and want a lot of the same things, work in a similar field and have a similar sense of humour—and yet, they were so awful to me. How could I have got it so wrong?’
‘He described himself as a religious, hard-working, family-loving vegan looking for love. Why did he ignore me after I declined to sleep with him on the second date?’
We used to fear being sold a lemon when we were buying a car. While that can still happen under certain circumstances, by and large, we can gather a great deal of information (including about many other items and services), making it trickier to be screwed by the salesperson.
There’s no longer, as the economist George Akerlof showed in his study of how the used-car market used to work, an asymmetry in available information. Nowadays, we can research most things and sometimes know as much as, if not more, than the seller. That, and there’s plenty of laws, warranties, guarantees and the threat of a poor rating or review. It doesn’t mean we’re ‘fully informed,’ but we’re certainly more armed.
Despite this, we still don’t know a great deal more about our compatibility with someone than we did pre-internet. We like to think we do because of the photos, the info we gather, plus the chatting before meeting up, but we don’t.
It’s always been possible to have “amazing” dates and never hear from them again. There were warnings about those who were only “out for one thing”. Some folk have always been good at talking out of their bottoms and it not being spotted for a while.
Many daters, past and present, have fallen into the trap of believing that information gained through dating sites/apps protects them against problems. It doesn’t.
It feels as if we get to know people a little before we engage with them in real life. We believe that our attraction to specific profiles or our isolation of particular traits and lifestyle signals that seem like ‘commitment indicators’, will save us from spending time on somebody who isn’t a good fit.
Granted, if someone acts shady before we’ve even met or we feel turned off by their profile (or our searching), it spares us from having to interact in real life. But once we decide that we’re going to engage with somebody and possibly meet them, we are stepping into the same Great Unknown of getting to know someone.
There’s no verification; there are no benchmark test results for their levels of honesty, integrity, emotional availability, etc. They might be all of the things that they have put down; they might not.
Each party holds and distils their information. Each of us is the thinker of our thoughts, feeler of our feelings, holder of our needs, desires and expectations. It’s all relative though, because it depends on self-awareness, self-knowledge, our availability and integrity.
Sometimes we don’t know what information we’re holding; sometimes we’re ignoring information because we’re unaware that it matters or because we’re prioritising something else; and sometimes, whether we admit it or not, we’re spinning that information.
We’re not always aware of our intentions, motives, fears and biases.
We might be incredibly honest, but that doesn’t mean that the other party is.
We might be super aware of our intentions and values, but someone else might not be.
Someone can share plenty about themselves, and we still have to get to know them based on our experience of him/her. No matter the dating site or app, there’s no getting around this.
If we look at dating as a discovery phase, then in theory, because each party is supposed to be getting to know each other, then there isn’t that imbalance. There isn’t that asymmetry of information. Of course, this isn’t true in practice, and it’s for these reasons:
Many daters, for example, treat dating like an audition for the starring role in someone else’s life. “Choose me!” Problem? It affects the information they gather and convey.
2) Regardless of our intentions or knowledge, sometimes the other party possesses far greater material knowledge than we do.
If they know that they’ll be cutting and running at X point or that their previous partners experienced the same issues with them that they’re claiming are in our imagination, we’re not a party to this hidden information.
The answer when it comes to trusting what we find out through online dating is to avoid extremes. There’s no need to carry on as if everyone is shady, but we also don’t need to be naive.
We can, however, stop setting ourselves up for disappointment by not treating online dating as if it’s Compare The Market! What we look for or disclose about ourselves on dating sites/apps isn’t necessarily what we (or others) need regarding compatibility. Instead of treating dating profiles as if it’s their relationship credit score based on facts, we must expect to perform due diligence. The discovery phase of dating means taking it as a given that we will have to get to know someone in person and that may or may not meet expectations.
We have all made assumptions about what we need, how relationships work and what love takes. To find the right partner and enjoy mutually fulfilling relationships, we have to correct any misunderstandings that our assumptions represent.
When we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop or we know that we’ve ignored information but proceeded anyway, there’s always an imbalance. We can’t deny, rationalise, minimise, assume and excuse and expect to feel confident and trusting.
And you might be wondering — how do we achieve that symmetry of available information in our relationships?
Through trust and vulnerability. We have to be open to knowing more than we already do as well as more than what we assume. We’re always finding out more about those we love and care for (if we’re showing up and taking an interest). Mutual trust happens when each party has consistently shown up over time. That’s not something we’re going to get from a dating profile or a handful of dates.
Your thoughts?
Image of guy posing for webcam by Lolostock
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Dating has made me feel very anxious this last few months. Reflecting on it now, I can see that while my expectations of honesty are fine, my assumptions about what a profile tells me are not. I thought my chances of being hurt would be lessened. Boy, was I wrong! I felt as if I knew what to look out for. I know what I like about a guy and I thought that was the same as who I’d be happy with. Turns out, I know who I’m ATTRACTED to but that’s different from what I need.
IIRC, in a previous post, now possibly years ago, Natalie also said or paraphrased “it’s not that he changed, it’s that you got to know him”.
While I have no experience with online dating, it seems to me that a significant portion of this post applies to what I have encountered in relationships anyway. During the idealization phase, what I also call ‘the campaign’, he could not have been more attentive, agreeable, solicitous and so very present. Oh, I loved looking in the mirror during that phase because I was soaking it all in like a sponge.
With him the cycle of campaign, diminish and discard repeated for years. Natalie mentioned deny, rationalize, minimize and excuse. Without exception I employed each of these. However, for me, assume is separate. I always assumed that he would come back, that there was goodness in him; that we would have another chance.
Now, I’m starting to think that I wouldn’t get involved with him again. No matter what. I admire those here who participate in online dating. I’m less courageous than you.
I was reading an article about how narcs tend to base a lot of their interests on their exes. That they appropriate the interests of others in their dating profiles.
That’s a reason to watch out for profiles – my ex took over a lot of my personality to the point of belittling me in public with his meager Wikipedia knowledge of a cultural practice that I was very much into for years. He went once. Read the wiki page. And started setting up conversations not about the actual practice but about trivia. Then he would correct me. For him a lot of what we did together, all driven by me, was for bragging rights. Facebook. Not for the actual enjoyment of it but how it would appear to others.
And a lot of what he told me about his interests was actually not true. I don’t want to talk about specifics but it was like if someone said they did a lot of yoga you would think oh they like yoga and low impact sports with a side of spirituality. But really a lot of things had very strange interpretations for him – he used (my standin example of) yoga as a marker of identity but really he hated it, he felt like he met instructors that literally ruined his life. So you might think he likes yoga and I like yoga, but the truth was he told you that just to suck you in to thinking he was ‘interesting’.
This has nothing much to do with online dating. I think it has more to do with what Nat would say about interests vs values.
I won’t go into the high comedy of some of the winners I’ve picked, but I do have a few suggestions.
Meet for coffee, not dinner– and especially not drinks.
Meet them there, do not have them pick you up. Do not pick them up.
If they’re late and they text or call to give a good reason and an estimated new time of arrival, don’t wait longer than 15 to 30 minutes, max. It sets a bad precedent.
If they are late and don’t contact you, waiting 15 minutes is more they deserve, but if they don’t make it by then, leave, and when and if they contact you (unless they have a damn good reason) tell them thanks, but no thanks.
If they show up and talk incessantly about themselves, their ex, their kid(s) or their mother, slurp that coffee down and make a run for it.
If they don’t look at you or ask you any questions about yourself, that’s the first impression they want you to have? Run!
If the coffee date goes well, no harm done in going to dinner the same night–just skip the bars and clubs.
Remember to ask who, what, when, where and why (open ended) questions so they can see you’re not totally self absorbed.
Finally, if your inner panic alarm goes off–get out of there and don’t look back. Make an excuse, of course, and if you detest fibbing, you can always say you have work to do, or an early meeting the next day, etc.
Good luck. You can have my share.
Karen – great tips. I should print them!
I’m looking forward to the day when I feel like trying dating again – but it will take some time. I’m only on day 27 of NC after my unavailable MM 3.5 year fiasco, and it’s really hard right now.
I agree – the Internet redefined dating in general. I’m happy though it’s available.
I’m hoping to develop somewhat cautiously optimistic attitude , with a healthy level of skepticism, when it comes to dating profiles. I am, however, curious, what’s out there!
All I can say taking in this info and stories and that of the previous post re: recognizing healthy relationships PLUS looking at some very real dynamics play out in pop culture is this:
1) Don’t believe in fairy tales — be a grown ass woman with a grown ass other person who each has shit to deal with and heal. You CAN do a lot of work on your own, but oftentimes that very last step toward transformation is within a safe, loving, real relationship. Takes a lotta grown ass work to be someone’s rock — including your OWN rock to YOUR SELF.
2) Be honest both with yourself and your person (as this case, I say “man” for me but I think this applies in any relationship) about Daddy issues and your (emotional) needs relative to same. If you don’t, that mess could blow up in your face rather unexpectedly — especially if you wan’t Daddy-O to play a role for you and show up JUST THIS ONE TIME! Put on the Normal/Socially Acceptable Show JUST THIS ONCE! And. He. Just. Can’t. Or worse? Won’t. If you haven’t explained and been vulnerable about your relationship with Daddy-O and understanding that he is, say, unreliable, to the point that you can pretty much predict (and, thereby, circumvent his Moves) and instead, faked it til’ you made it — hell to pay. Tightrope b/c your person may or may not be able to handle that b/c he wants a Socially Acceptable Fairy Tale himself, for a few hours at minimum.
3) Relative to points 1 + 2 — Ya person ain’t ya parent — this is both good and bad.
4) I don’t think any committed relationship should start out with somebody needing therapy to handle unfinished business — because they may have (albeit unconsciously) tried to move on up in life not knowing that situation #2 was waiting to blow your shit up
5) Online dating profiles? Pfft. The “profile” all of us need to pay attention to is anything that might suggest points 1-4. And you know what?? It’s THERE with some of these guys, if you REALLY LOOK! Is he going on and on about his “beautiful, healthy children” but his profile doesn’t state “divorced”? Does his profile state “separated,” not “divorced”? Both clues indicate, in fact, “married” and, therefore, EUM. Is he only posting photos of him relative to material things (boat, car, hobby stuff) and not a word about anything emotional/spiritual/dialed in to something other than himself? Again — that’s an EUM ringer. The tendency to overlook these clues RIGHT IN OUR FACES and clickclickclick hoping THIS ONE GUY will be okay — may indicate deeper issues we need to look at more closely.
EXCELSIOR!!!! Keepin’ it realz, ride or die, but EXCEL-SI-ORRRRRRR!
P.S. — Holla if you hear me *wink*
It’s a safe haven for narcissists, sociopaths, the dishonest and the dysfunctional where they can ‘appear’ normal. They will compartmentalize you (that much loved male trait) so it’s difficult to find out the truth about their lives and other, ahem,’friends’. It’s chock-full of the still living with Mum and Dad at 40, stalkers, STI spreaders, homeless financial leeches and the downright menacing.
My friends and I gave it a few years and more than once were the police almost called/doctor’s appointments made.
It goes like this: Hi! I’m a journalist living in North London. I enjoy cycling, playing piano, cooking (I make the best carbonara this side of the Trevi fountain), 80s films and I love dogs. I’m also a past master at egg puns so let’s get cracking!;)
Cute, non? Also charming, mild-mannered and polite to a fault in the flesh. Reality: a lying, workshy, penniless, sociopath who leeches off everyone, used me for work purposes (like he uses all his ‘pawns’), exposed me to STIs, didn’t visit me after an operation despite having shagged the life out of me the week before, viewed the second chance I gave as a weakness and called me crazy,paranoid,too sensitive, unreasonable etc. when I rightly questioned his behaviour. He has no values beyond gratifying his own impulses,did not know right from wrong and cares even less.
This is far from a unique story – and rest assured I did slam the door on him, forever more. My point is that I/we rarely met men like this in real life. The internet gives them cover. In reality there is usually context and connection between people so we are forewarned and forearmed with the important facts before the relationship even gets off the starting blocks. There is NO substitute for that, in my opinion. There ARE good, well-intentioned men out there – I have met them and been married to one too! But you are very unlikely to find them lurking on Tinder or OKcupid. Unless you are simply looking for NSA fun and robust enough for that, it’s a harvest of tears.
My daughter ( 15 years ) came home the other day and told me that while she was sitting in the parc with a friend, a young man asked if he could use her phone for an urgency.
So she accepted and when finished he gave the phone back.
After he had left she realized that his whatsapp ? count was still in her phone which means that she could look in there as if she was him.
So , all giggeling with her friend they decided to have a little look…
The first one they read was a conversation he had with a friend of his where he explains all about this ” booty” of his and how she thinks he loves her etc and how he has a good laugh enjoying her and her bed…
He had even send a pic of her naked to his friend. Oh damn !
Of course this conversation made my daughter and her friend even more curious about this mans conversations so they continued to look in to his whatsApp.
Apparently, he was ” in conversation ” and more with around 25 women and always repeating the same kind of phrases ….bla bla bla bla…love..bla bla…special..bla bla bla… A real industry this guy !!
Anyway, my daughter was of course discussed and said that she thinks she would never want to date a guy ( i did reassure her there are good ones as well ) and me i was thinking about that one period when i was one of these women on a list ( probably ) : (((((((((( i’m cured though : )))))))))
Oh , what a fu***g joke these men !!!
Living where I do, on line was my only option. I know what does and what does not work for me and what does work is not available within a huge radius of here. Still, being “geographically undesirable” and of color meant that I was getting a good deal of dudes who were, as Nat stated, the waifs and strays of the dating world although it wasn’t readily apparent. On line was always a first weed out step although lots of dudes in my age lie about appearance and fitness. Weed out ski bums, the obviously unhealthy, the nearly illiterate, then go from there. Am frantically fixing up the house, packing up, walking away from a high paying yet dysfunctional workplace, and initially at least, moving to my remote farm. Will try and meet folk IRL and will craft a well worded profile making it clear who I am and what I’m looking for but also understand that at 57, it may be over. At least it’ll be over in a more wooded, less drought, and warmer setting.
So I agree, im on several right now and am hugely disappointed and frustrated. Ladies be ware, not every profile picture or bio is authentic. I have been contacted by scammers and the like…texting and texting and finally finding out that they are not who they “seemed” to be…they were from nigera, lol. also, you have to have a thick skin and not take it too serious. I have and im getting off them when they expire…yuk!!
Ladies…lets live a beautiful life everyday for ourselves…lets buy our own flowers, our own candy, take out ourselves…buy what we really want…if our night and shining armor arrives great, if not…we are spoiling ourselves without any payback!
And don’t go to dinner of the first meet and greet…they soon will expect “payback”
After dating online for many years and not meeting anyone that seemed authentic I took myself off and then took a break from dating for 4 years.
I recently got “ involved “ with a man that I knew for several years -he owns a business in my neighborhood that I patronize
Needless to say that in real life you get the same BS. The mask eventually comes off.
Ps – I’m 49 he’s 50
I’m happier on my own but still open to meeting someone who has their act together on some level.
I’m with Christine on this. Let’s love ourselves first and foremost, date ourselves and be happy from the inside. Let’s be the complete chocolate chip muffin that doesn’t need anything else and if a decent man does appear in our lives he can be the icing on top. We can be completely happy being the muffin, no icing.
Thanks Natalie, your on point as usual. I’ve really struggled with on line dating for years now.
I truly didn’t think it would be so hard to find the relationship I’m looking for, it’s been disheartening to say the least.
I’ve experienced everything from being scammed to total dishonesty and have met mostly players.
It’s very discouraging. Taking a break for 3/4 months.
It’s so hard for me to meet people, I live in a small town and I don’t drink so on line dating seems like my only option and I have had no luck whatsoever ?
All the best to you and thank you!
Some can be so shady, I’ve even experienced one that lied in a Meyers-Briggs personality test to make himself sound like humanitarian of the year to me. The personality was so skewed, he was unrecognizable!
Hey girls (sorry if I missed a guy here, not sexist),
I only ever have success meeting guys online, but so far not good enough. I’m down to 83kg from 107kg, with 15-20kg to lose still (9kg to get to the healthy bmi for my height, I’m taller than average). I’ve been taking pride in my appearance – I have started getting my nails done and haven’t started buying clothing, just new underwear as I needed it. It’s winter in Australia so I’m wearing baggy things and I don’t mind, some hand-me-downs from friends too. I’m size 14 in everything and even size 12 in underwear (wow!). I plan to buy new clothes in the next couple of months as I get closer to my goal weight.
I’m feeling good just concentrating on myself still, but I do feel that tug to find someone. But sure it’ll go away. But I want to be extremely picky anyway.
Hope to get some updates from you too. Take care for now x Keep heads up and going for non-guy goals
Oh btw, sorry for kind off topic but I’m loving these comments about self-love. I bought $500 in home decor this week which I imagine I couldn’t if I had a man, he would hate that. It’s my money so I will. I want love and I’ll compromise, but there are things I won’t anymore. Like having a lovely home. And putting myself as important. Too much crap in the past when I didn’t.
This is so apt for me, I literally dodged a bullet this week myself. I met a guy online, exchanged numbers and began conversing via WhatsApp and phone calls. He sends me photos of himself (I didn’t ask for any mind), then requests additional photos of me which I thought was a bit cheeky considering I have about 4-5 on my profile. First strike. Then he starts referring to me as “gorgeous” (we’ve never even met) and spells my name wrong twice even though I corrected him on that before.
So I oblige him and send 1 photo, but before doing so I notice that there is a huge disparity in his appearance in some of the photos, so I flag this up with him and ask if they’re recent pics? He replies that they are and that the last one sent is the most recent. By this point we’ve been talking for several days so I disregard the niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Fast forward to today, and we’ve already made plans to meet for a drink on Friday, but my instincts are still nagging me – telling me something is off about him. So I ask him again about his photos and request he send me a real time selfie. Low and behold, it soon becomes apparent that this man is using photos of himself from 10 years ago! The tall, dark, slim, clean-shaven, smiling, happy black man in his photos has now been replaced by this pasty, bearded, bloated, balding middle-aged man! So I raise this with him and explain that it’s deceitful to use photos of yourself that no longer bear a liking to you. He gets the hump and accuses me of being superficial and judgmental for being so preoccupied with his appearance. I then had to send screenshots of our convo to him where I initially raised my concerns and he lied about the photos being recent.
In the end he apologises and explains his frustration about how women only seem to care about his looks online (I got the impression that this isn’t the first time it’s happened to him), so I told him that if he used a current photo, there’d be no nasty surprises for the women he speaks to, but he shouldn’t be using older photos when he no longer looks like that. He understood and suggested we stop comms (I think he felt ashamed, but I was glad because I could never trust him after this), so I blocked and deleted his number, and look forward to a nice chilled Friday night indoors – HAHA.
This isn’t the 1st time this has happened to me with online dating, so I’ve now decided that all comms from now on will be video calls because some of these men are so effing deluded that they think it’s OK to use ancient photos of themselves before they passed their prime.
Always trust your gut folks, mine has saved my bacon a few times – trust me!
This is a wonderful post Natalie, highly informative and educative. To me I believe its all about what you should expect if you are into online dating and be prepared for it, because it is the truth as Natalie mentioned in the topic. Online dating has truly made it so easy for anyone to meet his or her perfect match but at the same time it has its negative side as well. Most profile we see online are not real compared to the persons reality because the people you see on different dating sites are there for different reasons and they will do everything necessary to impress you, so I suggest one just has to be extremely careful and the moment you discovered the truth about the person then it’s better to stay away. That is my own take on the topic, because honesty they say is the best policy. Someone who is not honest to you from the very start even if you haven’t met can’t be honest to you at all, this is the simple and bitter truth.
U know as much as I was
Played with lied to and hurt nobody is strong enough to just say I don’t love you no more save the agony and the pain but it’s just one game after another I am a good person good heart and I don’t care want anyone says no excuse for not telling me who does that and first of all you can’t call some one a rat when your the one who is trying so hard to get you caught up stealing my lab top all my pictures were in so Lindsay you need to check your self calling anyone a rat I don’t need nobody coming in my home stealing my shit so get your story straight looser rigging everything in your house stalking come on who does shit like that too busy going after me with his work when he should of been a man and kick his bro ass doing what he did I was good to that man best he will ever have he played with my life emotions promise to love me fuck all that drag girl there is no excuse with just say get on I don’t love you Bur what the hell could you move on with abuse on your record knowing that shit was added and get arrested never getting on the calendar taking my money all your ethics girl you don’t treat your wife like shit and act like the way he did 9 fuck yes the most hardest of my life and you want to call me that we’re I live men don’t do that to woman married or not they don’t throw them out the the door and run them over that’s a coward shit you need to get your head out of ass and too be in the room knowing her sons have 3 boys one girl and don’t get them out you need to have morals and treat people good who are good to you teach your kids respect elders and other people treat them the way you like to be treated because a man don’t bear a woman so bad her eyes are skill looking swellen hit and hit her like a man so girl you people need to know you bleed I bleed your no different cuz you get a check and this for end of the chapter any one that gets a gift from God and goes as far as put watch dog him and Sara so shut up I am a wonderful human being children love me and I don’t disrespect my elders Joe has his own drama like getting his dads home and him taking care of it to let someone destroy it who gets a check to no reason to run it to the ground so you know what girl I tell it like it it And what you need to understand I don’t care what you say but I am not rat get that right And joe only one be ashamed of yourself cuz you gossiped your ass off lied to everyone and telling her about our kids well Lindsay you don’t write your only daughter who loved him been in her life since 5 and ask for a picture of her car I don’t sugar coat nothing when the problems are right there You get a silver spoon to enjoy life with family and friends have party’s and enjoy your check you don’t do stupid shit and go after your wife You don’t do that you all no right from wrong all of you so save the drama everything you people do is cuz you get off on it and I hate trouble makers drama gossip bitches you go in my home disrespect my hospitality u still my computer your going to jail nobody I don’t have willie lump lump on my four head oh no no and you girl teach your own kids people to respect elders they are the ones who even mad your dream possible and too none of you respect that you are even receiving that it’s like your too busy gossiping and don’t even know me but being your so much of saying what you do not ever meeting me Well rats are able to get a court date to go and defend myself not take my money and have to write sacremento to clear my name What joe did was wrong hateful and cruel and it’s sad So girl you have nephews and nieces teach them respect to be good loving human beings The only person I have a lot of love is Carol I love that girl and she loved me she was my family and joe you hurt me and I forgave you one time and you don’t deserve me at all because I would rather give you to her and learn from all you do cuz you may not be that Lucky next time and reapect the freedom kiss the ground you walk on boy cause you are really looking like a coward then a big shot convict and asking for a picture of a little girl car only weighs 90 lbs who is ill working hard trying to keep her self healthy so she lives long And girl we’re I am from men only step up to men not woman and so you get me sick cuz you know shit to talk at all 9 yrs not a word of truth Trust and believe nobody deserves all the hard work that men showed me the only work is putting that spoon in his mouth calling anyone who will listen And for the woman in your life I am not mad at you at all not even hurt just sad that no one told me I could of ended a long time ago
I wish I knew some of you in real life, you’d be the kind of friends I need right about now!
Natalie, your posts make me laugh, make me feel like I can do this and most importantly, I know I’m not alone.
And to everyone else, I quite enjoy your comments as well. It’s very comforting to know that we aren’t alone in all that life throws our way and I find your words empowering.
This is very very accurate.
We are not just the highlight reels of our lives, we are our lows too.
Nobody ever posts anything that doesn’t look good for them online, intentionally at least.
Good read!
Where is Natalie?
Ugh,online dating is the worst!.And yes to men using super old pics,yet they say WE are superficial ?.Screw that!.Lobe from Canada !:).
Oops.. I meant “ love”,obvs! Lol
The over use of filters and picking that perfect angle don’t really help. Sometimes you meet a person and they don’t look anything like you expect, and 90% of the time it isn’t a good thing.