In pretty much all of my previous relationships, there was that all too common hallmark ‘discussion’ of an unhealthy partnering. I’d flag my discomfort or unhappiness about something. They’d say “None of my previous girlfriends had a problem with this”. And they would often add something about how these exes had all found [the problem] totally ‘normal’.
Now, keep in mind that this could be anything from disappearing, flirting with my friends, to a sexual act I didn’t want to do. It was bad/selfish sex (the jackhammer almost-need-a-neck-brace-afterwards type or the one who you could effectively leave a blow-up version of yourself and they wouldn’t notice the difference). It was avoiding sex/affection altogether and getting wasted and aggressive. Some might wonder how I ever second-guessed myself and contemplated sidelining my own needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions (and sometimes did).
You are not on the same page with somebody if, when you raise something, they dismiss it by either comparing you to people they are no longer going out with or they call you ‘too sensitive/needy/dramatic/prudish’ or a ‘psycho‘.
They might even stretch themselves to making a low jab about how your taking issue with it is why you had problems with your exes.
If you have any people-pleasing inclinations whatsoever, are fearful of being on your own or abandoned, struggle to know where you end and others begin, and/or struggle to know, express and live in line with your values even when they differ from someone else’s, you are going to backtrack. You will self-doubt and normalise what might be very unfair, unreasonable, or downright uncaring and abusive behaviour.
If you are involved with someone and something feels a little off to you, or you have a concern, and their response is to throw out the None of My Exes Had A Problem With This defence, they are someone who doesn’t want to recognise your position. They don’t want to see themselves too clearly, either.
They are hiding out. And odds are that they gravitate to partners who they have on some level picked up are malleable.
Here’s what not enough people ask themselves in this situation: If all of their exes were oh-so-okay with something, where are they now?
What we often miss is that the person is admitting that the issue they’ve denied was present in all/most of their previous relationships.
Why would you want to be in the same relationship that they’ve had with their ex?
It’s as if they’re reluctant to grow and be truly available to your current relationship. It’s one thing if they use the defence once but gradually acknowledge the issue and address. However, it’s another altogether if they continue to use this defence or show a general attitude of being closed to discussion and acknowledging your needs. Hard as it might be to digest, they’re also gaslighting you and dismissing your concerns. This isn’t exactly the behaviour of someone who genuinely desires to be a loving partner now and in future.
Before you dismiss your concerns and needs, it’s vital to consider why you need the benchmark of how your partner’s exes handled him/her or what they were okay with. After all, you’re not those people. There’s also no actual evidence to support their defence.
Doubting yourself in this situation is a sign you’re afraid of having, expressing and in fact advocating for your needs. There’s doubt about your right to have needs and your worthiness. You might have a close association between having needs and abandonment. As a result, you might be tempted to normalise issues to attain your greater desire of being in a relationship and avoid your fear, for instance, of starting over.
The None of My Exes Had A Problem With This defence is a major cue that, as part of the natural unfolding process in a relationship, you step up with your due diligence before making any commitments with this person.
One of the four qualities in a loving partner (along with positive outlook, ownership, commitment to self) is being emotionally available. People who are, not only know, share and express their feelings but they also have a good awareness and understanding of why their previous relationships ended. They have grown emotionally as opposed to showing up to each relationship with the same baggage and habits and calling it someone else’s problem.
What you have to consider is what type of relationship you will accept? After all, if you’re dismissing your own needs and concerns now, what does that open you up to in the future?
Imagine the issue as it stands right now. Imagine the fears, doubt, blame, shame, insecurity and other emotions you’ve experienced as you’ve tried to accept the issue at your expense. And then imagine that you’re still thinking, feeling and acting this way in several months. Now try a year, a few years, a decade. Would you be happy with this?
Also, imagine approaching your partner in the future about another concern. Would you be willing to approach them despite their dismissal of other concerns? Or would their attitude make you reluctant and afraid to raise it?
It’s important to open up your perspective so that you don’t sell yourself short. This experience is also an opening to considering whether past experiences of not having your needs met are influencing your current response. If so, you can then make a conscious effort to distinguish between the past and the present. You can also use that compassionate investigation to identify the support you need in healing that aspect of your past.
Your thoughts?
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This is great to keep in mind. However, I’m left wondering what the other three qualities in a loving partner are?
Hi Crystal,
It was mentioned directly in the post:
“One of the four qualities in a loving partner (along with positive outlook, ownership, commitment to self) is being emotionally available ”
Positive outlook, ownership, and commitment to self 🙂
“There might be a close association between having needs and abandonment”
Ummm, yes. It’s like you’re writing my life sometimes!!
Oh, I vividly remember when a statement of this sort, of being compared to the exes, was used on me. It was after I became a wife and mother and co-business owner, I started to finally feel like an equal to him, and entitled to having an opinion, need, or equal say about the way I thought we should tackle a situation. This was much different than the “girlfriend” me, who was always so “cool” and agreeable, (yes, partially because of my fear that he would leave me for another girl, again.) When I started using my voice, naturally more conflict started to surface within the relationship, and while too much conflict is unhealthy, the ex whipped out the, “I never fought this much with my exes,” to which I responded that all relationships have conflict, and that he had never been in his previous relationships half as long as ours, much less had as much responsibility in them, such as sharing child and business.
Come to think of it, he did always compare me to his exes before then, but it more like grooming, as he would state the undesired behavior of an ex and then I would try to act accordingly, by avoiding doing those behaviors or placing those demands, ( which were not unreasonable,) in hopes that he would pick me, and prove I was so different from the others.
Silly me.
“…as he would state the undesired behavior of an ex and then I would try to act accordingly, by avoiding doing those behaviors or placing those demands…in hopes that he would pick me, and prove I was so different from the others.
Silly me.”
Me too.
As Nat put it, “malleable.”
Me too !!
Oh god, I know this behaviour. My last ex was also often saying things like “my ex never did this for me” when I was getting a beer for him out of the fridge. But I responded with “maybe it made her feel like she is some kind of waitress” empathising with her, but I told him I didn’t mind because I really didn’t. But later in the relationship he acted like because I brought him beer before it was now my duty to do it in the future. What an idiot.
And then I met an old friend who come over for a cup of coffee but got hungry and I made him a toast. And he was like “well, you’re not like my ex-girlfriend who always acted like making me a toast is the end of the world” and I responded with “I don’t mind. If I mind doing that, I wouldn’t do it. And there are times I mind doing that. But not today.”
Some men search for mamas, not an equal partner.
Me too
You were not silly at all. You were able to change and you would make a good leader as you can adapt to any situation.
I am trying to be more self-aware, it is the only way to save myself from other people’s stupidity.
“I am trying to be more self-aware, it is the only way to save myself from other people’s stupidity.”
I must use this in my art journal or else tattoo it upon my body!:)
Also, love your perspective! Within our darkness there is a kernel of our greatness if we can look with clarity. Definitely NOT silly:)
Great post – spot on as usual! Thank you…
Quick question: is anyone else having problems accessing the other, older blog posts? There is no longer a “Blogs” category on the homepage navigation bar, and the “List of Blogs” page seems to have been taken down. This is such a shame because there are many that were helpful and I really appreciate being able to re-read them when I was feeling weak. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can access these? Thank you!
Yes, sorry for that I miss it too.
Go to the bottom of this or any page. There is a blank open search bar. Put in a topic and hit enter on your keyboard. Some old posts will pop up, but you will scroll up a tad and see a list for going to other pages (1,2,3 etc.) and the blogs you want are in there actually.
Many steps but you will find it, I just did it to make sure I was telling you right. You may need to save some as favorites on this website and on your browser to even get back to that. Remember when the recent posts used to be listed on the right side of the page with a person’s name? sigh.
Adele, the search bar is at the top right hand side on the desktop so if you see it at the bottom that means that you are not viewing the site in a standard view and are in fact viewing it on a mobile browswer, which also means that you cannot see basic things like the sidebar. The sidebar is right there on the right hand side in the desktop view with recent comments, recent posts, most popular posts, most favourited posts etc etc. If you are unhappy with the mobile view, which is mandatory with the likes of Google, switch to desktop view at the bottom of the page you’re viewing. The option to this is available on most sites.
See my response to Sarah re List of Posts. It has not been removed to elicit complaint but because it is broken and causes a serious security risk. As it is not a standard function of a blog to provide a list of posts and alternative plugin needs to be sought out.
The reason why the blog is not in the top navigation is because the blog is temporarily the homepage again, as it was for about a decade until last year when it had a specially created homepage. As a result, because ‘home’ is the blog, there is no need for another link saying ‘the blog’. ‘List of posts’ will move to the sidebar and to the footer but has been removed because the plugin that provides the function is broken, hasn’t been updated in 8 years (which just goes to show how long I’ve been using it for) and provides a serious security risk. There is an archive list in the sidebar although that can depend sometimes on browser and what it’s being viewed on, how much is shown (e.g. on mobile). If you have any further issues, please email claireATbaggagereclaim.co.uk and it can be looked into.
Ahhhh OK that makes sense. It is easier to navigate on a computer rather than my iPad (which is what I was using before). Thank you! I wanted to send some links to several friends who are going through some heavy times at the moment, and I found them. I also bought several copies of “No Contact” to give to them as gifts! 🙂
Thank you so much for the work you do. I’m so glad I found this site.
“…this could be anything from disappearing, a sexual act that I didn’t want to do, bad/selfish sex (the jackhammer almost-need-a-neck-brace-afterwards type, to avoiding sex/affection altogether, to getting wasted, and some might wonder how I ever second-guessed myself and contemplated (and sometimes did) sidelining my own needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions.”
In my involvement; I can’t really even call it a relationship everything Natalie mentioned above happened over and over again. While he didn’t specifically mention an ex it was more like “this is the way I am” pretty much “take it or leave it: you’re hardly the first and won’t be the last.”
“…and normalise what might be very unfair, unreasonable, or downright uncaring behaviour…”
Oh yes, I worked very hard on this because I did not want to be many of the things she was: shrill, impatient and demanding. Because then he might leave; which he has. And of course he went back to her.
•What you have to consider, is what type of relationship you will be accepting, after all, if you’re dismissing your own needs and concerns now, what will that open you up to in the future?
My future with him has been written. He was interested until he was not. I’ve been exhausted, frustrated and always afraid to push the issues for fear that he would leave and he left anyway.
Once I told a guy I am not interested in dating someone who has strong weed and alcohol dependency (which was him) and he called me judgemental.
Yes, you are judgmental and will be the loser when you are sitting on his couch and he ends up getting busted by the police for his possession of weed in the home. Hope you ran away fast.
Actually, we should ALL be a bit more judging of others. Who keeps saying “don’t judge,” yes we all need to judge more and more to save ourselves the heartache from letting too much slide by.
And yet he’s judging you for making the best decision for you…
Oh I love this title… and I have not even read the article yet… awesome haha!
“You are not on the same page with somebody, if when you raise something, they dismiss it by either comparing you to people who they are no longer going out with, or they call you ‘too sensitive / needy / dramatic / prudish’ or a ‘psycho‘.”
This is the exact issue I had with my most recent ex (the Narcissist/assclown) who would constantly attempt to silence me and/or downplay my concerns when I tried to talk to him. I would be told I was “nagging” and “no wonder you’ve never had a long-term relationship…” all for wanting to discuss concerns I had at the time with his behaviour and approach to our shambolic relationship.
Funnily enough, he’d be the first one to accuse me of lying / cheating / not truly loving him – anytime I wanted to do something that didn’t involve sitting at home waiting for him to arrive (on many occasions he never arrived at all – in spite of his assurances). Needless to say, when he tried to start an argument with me over the phone on NYE by accusing me of cheating because I decided to go out with my friends instead of sit at home waiting for him (my girls heard everything he said to me), that was the final straw. I lost my shit, and with angry / frustrated / emotionally drained tears in my eyes, I finally told him what I really thought of his BS and told him to leave me the f**k alone for good! The sense of relief I felt was overwhelming! I was free from his selfish tyranny, constant attention seeking, constant need for assurance that I loved him, manipulation and disappointments! I WAS FREE.
Then he texts me out of the blue at 2.13am on Sunday saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I’m not angry about your last outburst. I hope you’re OK.” (He’s the kind of petty arsehole who will gladly recount every bad word I ever said to him at any given time in hopes of making me feel guilty, try to prove some obscure point, or try to leverage himself during an argument). So I replied the following day saying, “My last outburst?!! You’re clearly not well. I meant every word I said and have no desire to get reacquainted with a selfish, disrespectful POS like you. Do not contact me ever again. There’s nothing here for you.”
I could’ve maintained a dignified silence – yes, but this man brings out a ratchet side of me I rarely experience lol. Plus he’s the kinda guy who has zero respect for a woman’s boundaries (if he did respect them, why didn’t he heed my first warning and stay out of sight/sound?). I needed to reiterate that I wasn’t gonna change my mind and his BS is still unwelcome. I’m tired of disrespectful clowns like him thinking they can pop in and out of my life, especially after all the “you’ll never find a man with that attitude” talk he used to give me. Oh really? Yet you’re the one who reached out to me! Loser.
Needless to say, I haven’t heard from him since. And if he has an ounce of sense in his puny brain, he’ll never pull a stunt like that again. I’m not here for his crap.
Oh! And I should also add: this is the same guy who has two kids with two different women and not once during our courtship would he say that he’s going to spend time with his kids or visit them or go to a school play – NOTHING.
And when questioned about his exes and babymamas, it was always THEM who were the problem. Always the women who prevented him from having a relationship with his kids. His exes were all evil, vindictive bitches too! Beware of men who lack interest in their own kids and brand all the women in their lives as bitches… The truth is, it’s always the man who is at fault, but can’t/won’t admit their own failings for whatever reasons.
Hi Rachel,
Wow. What an utter man-turd that guy is! I love the 2.13am text telling you that he’s ‘not angry with you’. Was he actually expecting you to be ‘relieved’? ‘Oh, thank you for giving me another chance!’ As if!! Clearly he didn’t know who he was dealing with……..
The sad thing is there are many women who would have second-guessed themselves and regretted telling this idiot to get stuffed. That’s what guys like him count (thrive) on, there’s always some poor woman who IS willing to put up with his crap.
Just when you think you’ve seen/heard it all these ‘men’ manage to hit a new low! Good riddance to him. Well done.
Any man who goes on and on about what a bitch his ex is should deffo be avoided (anger issues anyone)? I never feel the need to mention any hurt or anger I may feel towards an ex. I usually don’t even mention previous relationships (and certainly never would in the early stages of dating). I went out for drinks (ONCE) with this guy who suddenly ‘went off’ on his ex (the mother of his child). I was thinking: ‘Oh, is that the time already? I’d better go. ‘Lovely’ to meet you.’ (NOT). 😉
Hey Michele! 🙂
He really underestimated the depth of my hatred towards him when he sent that text! I’m still really pissed off about the way he dealt with me throughout our ‘thing’, and how he just deserted me to go to Ghana for best part of 6 weeks – when what I needed was for him to be present and try to sort out what I believed at the time to be our ailing relationship (silly girl – smh).
But if I’m honest with myself, whatever interest I had in him, and whatever hold he had on me, died whilst he was in Africa and I was left here to deal with my bruised heart and pride alone. The fact that he still fails to see his own shortcomings, and has the effing cheek to point the finger at me when all I ever did was give and give and give throughout, makes my blood boil. He’s a selfish man-child who lives only for himself, and I want NO part of it at all!
In my experience, these cretins will pop-up over and over again – almost as though they’re testing our force field for signs of weakness. This clown will be waiting an eternity if he thinks I’m stupid enough to go back to him. I’d rather eat dog sh*t quite frankly.
I don’t know why I overlooked the whole babymama bashing stuff… Oh, actually I do. I saw his lack of interest/access to his own kids as an opportunity to have him all to myself. I’ve never been successful with men with kids in the past because I always end up feeling neglected seeing as I’m bottom of the priority list, so when he explained the situation to me, I saw that as a chance to be top of his list. Not thinking about the fact that this man would’ve treated me and our kid with the same contempt if I was unfortunate enough to get knocked up by him (thank the Lord, I didn’t). You did the right thing by ending the date early! I wish I had the sense to do the same, but instead, I had to chalk this one up to experience.
Mark my words, NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah, guys who immediately start slagging off an ex to you will probably be nothing but trouble. The ex might actually be a bitch (or not) but I really don’t need to hear about it from him either way to be honest. When they feel the need to ‘share’ in that way they probably really are not ready to move on and date someone new anyway. No fun dating Angry Guy!
Tricky one, men with kids (several potentially problematic scenarios):
Toxic relationship with the ex (he may even have had a custody battle with her)
The ex secretly (or not so secretly) wants him back and uses the kids to manipulate him (‘classy’)
The kids turn out to be spoilt brats and (in being supportive to him) you’re forced to spend more time with them than you’d like
I’ve got no problem with dating guys who have kids from a previous relationship (very common occurrence in the dating world these days) just so long as it doesn’t impact TOO negatively on proceedings. No drama, thanks.
Sweet synchronicity Nat! I’ve been listening all week to the podcasts and this post unbelievably on time. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
First they say all their exes were psychos, then they say, “None of my exes ever called me a liar.”
I said, “They were all psychos–maybe they didn’t notice your lies.”
What if we are the problem?
After 10yrs I get the ” you are the only person who ever talked to me in that way in my life.”
I doubt it. But that’s breakups.
10 yrs of being together , two kids and a marriage – 9 months being separated.
His new moral compass are his parents where he now resides. He’s 50.
I’m resident evil to him & his parents. Hard sometimes to not think you might be the problem. Self awareness and all that I get but when you & your kida actually get abandoned by someone – is there ever a time it might just be you?
Pensive Thursday morning , great article.
You just made my day. Nothing I have read has ever stated this. My Ex said this to me all the time. Thank You so much.
As usual these post are always right on time with what I’m experiencing now with an ex. In addition, this post pertains to exes,family,&friends etc. I needed a reminder of how I have to not ever be scared to stand alone, to put me first, and to let go those who don’t have the self awareness for growth and to be in a mutual healthy relationship. Shouldn’t always have to be one sided, dismissive & mean spirited. Tired of being a shell of a person!!!!
My ex gave me that line a few times. He swore that none of his exes had an issue with him being very silent and not communicating with them much…yet, one of them went to a party without him, got drunk, and slept with someone else. Hmmmm…