Over the past few weeks, I’ve frequently used the terms ‘imposing’ and ‘imposed’. I realised that you always know that there’s a major breach of boundaries and that you’re dealing with somebody who just doesn’t gel on the core values front when they introduce something in a fashion that directly or indirectly communicates that you must do it ‘or else’. Or, they try to force you to accept their inappropriate or downright shady behaviour.
I don’t like being imposed upon, and I know that I’m not alone in this.
Many stories BR readers share with me involve them feeling powerless, intimidated, blindsided, anxious, or struggling to understand why they feel so compressed by someone who is smiling to their face and telling them that they care or that what they’re doing is for ‘the best’. In these instances, they are about dealing with someone who in their quest to meet their own needs, expectations, and wishes, sees little wrong with trying to force people to do what they want.
I’m often asked, Natalie, how do I know if I’m dealing with a boundary-buster?
Sure, I can give you lots of signs. When it comes to discerning whether you are dealing with someone who has a problem respecting your line, though, especially when you’ve said/shown no, just look for where they’re trying to force something through, possibly with a smile on their face that doesn’t meet their eyes.
Any situation where your self-esteem and boundaries cannot co-exist with their position is a flush and go situation.
‘Imposers’ dress up their boundary busting behaviour and demands as ‘requests’.
Strangely enough, when you decline, it becomes apparent that they took it as a foregone conclusion that you would comply. That, and they also had the backup plan of laying on the emotional blackmail and guilt trip with a trowel. You wonder, Why make out that I have a choice when you’re going to attempt to do what the frick you want anyway?
Of course, you do have a choice. The Imposer, however, has decided that you ‘should’ only take up their preferred option. When you decline, suddenly they’re overriding your no, rebuffing any concerns, or in fact, belittling any issues or reservations you’ve raised.
Imposers also have a very annoying habit of crossing the line while claiming that they’re not doing it.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’, they claim while they have their proverbial foot in your back.
‘I’m helping/supporting you’, they claim even though their actions are the opposite of this.
You can quickly flush out an Imposer who claims to be helping you by telling them that you appreciate that they’re trying to do X but it’s actually Y that you need. You’ll see how quickly you’re met with the resistance that comes with passive aggression. Hell, you may even get straight-up aggression.
They don’t take you at your no and will just attempt to find another way to proceed with their original intention. It ends up feeling as if you’re playing Whack-A-Mole or more like Whack-An-Assclown.
When you’re dealing with an Imposer, you end up gradually getting drained by them.
Some of them actually get off on the challenge and almost ‘charge up’ on you right before they try again. And others will sulk, strop, and even malice in an attempt to get their own way. Think stonewalling, silent treatment, blanking you and general hostility that they may actually deny when you call them out on it.
‘I don’t have a problem with you! I like you!’ And you’re thinking, ‘Erm, you just blanked me however many times and gave me the side-eye and you only started pulling this BS when I wouldn’t capitulate to your demands!’
Or, if they’re very deluded, they’ll actually admit to having a problem with you but use the funkiest reason. It will never be for an actual misdemeanour and instead, it will be a variation of, ‘You didn’t do as I wanted’ followed by their crazy-making justifications for why you ‘should’ have. Or they’ll go down the petty, gaslighting route and accuse you of something untrue or blow up over something minor or completely innocent.
Imposers love to combine their efforts to push through what they want with a put-down or few. This is where they slip in covert, critical remarks delivered with a smile, humour, or even deadpan. There are a lot of Imposers online; just read the comments on newspaper websites or on Facebook pages. Or think of that person who seems to want to make disliking you and letting you know about it their vocation.
Some people can’t just have an opinion; they want to force-feed it to you as well and ‘make’ you agree with it!
Some Imposers love a grand ‘ole discussion and even an apology but then, yep, you guessed it, soon revert to attempting to impose the very thing that you’ve made patently clear is a no-go. If they’re quick with an apology, it soon proves to be a hollow one because just cross them again by not submitting to their demands and soon they will come out with stuff that completely contradicts the apology and/or promises.
And when it comes to people imposing themselves upon you, this is where you can learn a great deal about inferred meaning: A person doesn’t have to come out and say, ‘I am disrespecting you’ or ‘I am resisting handling this in a mutually respectful fashion’, for them to communicate that they don’t respect you.
Sure, there are some people who will come out straight and tell you that they don’t like or respect you (or even that they want to break up with you…), or that they don’t want to do something, but some people will show you. And they’ll do this while denying that it’s what they’re showing you because they’re so skilled at wearing a mask that hides their resentment and anger. Ignore the signs at your peril!
If you don’t recognise when you’re being imposed upon or you do but you think, What did I do to make this person react this way? halt. You will start trying to make sense out of nonsense and end up normalising shady behaviour. Or you’ll make an incorrect correlation between this so-called transgression of yours and the fact them imposing themselves.
Newsflash: Only people who have respect issues impose themselves on others.
It is never a good sign, and you’re not the only person that they do this with. They may not even recognise their behaviour (although you won’t be the first to have objected), but they have so little empathy and concern for people who are in their way.
And that’s what it boils down to: they’ve either never truly considered things from your position or they have, but they don’t care or they feel that the end justifies the means.
On some level, they’ll argue that they take care of themselves and ‘handle their business’ so you should too. And that’s where you flush.
- If you’re dealing with an Imposer, start keeping track of what they say and do. Facts to an imposer (and narcissists) are like daylight and garlic to vampires.
- Be factual, not emotional in any dealings and they will soon back off. Often, people try to appeal to an imposer’s emotions with emotional descriptions. This is a waste when you’re dealing with someone who has little or no empathy in their tank. Imposers will use your emotions against you and claim you’re ‘dramatic’, ‘needy, or ‘too sensitive’.
- Do use a hard no. A soft no will be taken as a green light to do whatever the hell that they want. You’ll be marked as ‘weak’ for actually being halfway decent about things.
- Don’t personalise their bullshit. It’s not because you’re a ‘soft touch’. They do this stuff in any situation where they want to get their own way.
Some people mistake your unwillingness to climb into the gutter with them or your ability to pick and choose your battles for weakness. It’s not. Don’t let people take liberties.
No one has the right to impose themselves and their wishes upon you. You’re not going to harm these people by standing up for yourself but you will harm you by remaining silent. Don’t green-light code red behaviour.
Your thoughts?
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Thank you, another spot-on article!
Hi Natalie,
I had just dealt with a prospective roommate who displayed an attitude exactly like what you have described here in your latest post. Because of my previous experiences with some former loved ones and some former friends whom had this type of behavior, I shut this person out immediately! (And not one second too soon…)
Natalie, I love your posts, your blog, and your books. Thank you for all you’ve done in informing everyone on not taking c**p and living as intelligently as we can.
Seems to me you could substitute ‘imposer’ for narcissist as a lot of the traits you mention are also true of narcissists. They are fine as long as you capitulate and go along with their every whim, but watch out if you ever dare to say, No. Your last paragraph had a lot of value though, it’s not you, it’s them.
How very, very true. Had two experiences with narcs here; one devastated me for years, the other became a situation where it was ME who left the building because my affection for him had died due to his actions. Imposing is a passive aggressive way of trying to change a person. The latter dude hated my farm, my anti mining/development/land rape/anti drug stance as well as my lifestyle. Went to run a race outta town and he didn’t want to do animal care but didn’t say so. His neglect led to the loss of half my flock. He didn’t want me having animals and plants, period, didn’t want me burning wood for heat. He wanted me to lead a small, stripped down life so I could meet HIS needs 24/7. The question still remains: why take up with someone who is very up front about who they are when you hate who they are??
Noquay, they take up with you even though it appears they hate all you are question…
I don’t think it is hate, I think it is jealously . They are frightened of someone who has a life and has values and a morality, all which they are too scared to have. Because somewhere in this they have to face the fact, that they have met a real human being, not just a sex toy or financial backer, underpants washer …
So they lash out and criticize you for all your worth, because you are showing them how shallow they really are .
And they take up with you, because in my mind, the subconsciously are seeking redemption, but the AC ego is too strong to allow this to happen .
They also play a game I call, “Wuz Gonna But you…”
“I wuz gonna bring you flowers but you were snippy.”
“I was gonna pop the question but you got too pushy.”
My new game is called, “But my sanity came back.”
“I was gonna give you another chance but my sanity came back.”
The assclowns favourite game “wuz gonna but you…”
Yep, my sanity came back!
Agree.
I also agree, they envy women of integrity with many outstanding qualities. This type (who is one of the worst types) of AC/imposer is weak and resorts to stealing others’ strength. They play on our vulnerabilities and get perverse satisfaction by weakening those women, who deep down they believe are out of their reach. And they are right, no person of integrity wants to be around them anymore once they see them for who they really are.
Very true y’all. Folk like this; rather than deal with their own issues, do the work, retaliate by trying to drag you down. Before he cut contact with myself, and later, my dad, he was this way. What really pissed him off at me was that I finally told him “being in a dysfunctional childhood doesn’t mean the world owes you, it means you work 5x as hard to get ahead”.
Noquay,
That last quote of yours was worth its weight in gold. *Applause*
Noquay – I pitty the man who doesn’t see the wonder and greatness in you and, now, I definately wouldn’t waste another second on him. You are a great person, have a great lifestyle from the reading of it and great interesting views. What you gonna do to move on, make sure it never happens again and meet people who appreciate you for who you are?
Oona
I had a typo. The last comment referred to remaining brother, of whose whereabouts I have no clue and since my dad apparently died intestate will get half my dads bank account, leaving me to pay his bills outta pocket. my first step is to pay off my maxed out credit cards as that’s how I paid for my dads cremation and related expenses, also have to fly out there twice more, take care of more business. Once again, rebuild my savings which had been drained every time my dad had a health crisis. Then over the next coupla years, get rid of unsecured debt, pay off as much on the house as possible and hope house values go up. Also keep fixing it up to make it as high end as possible as I have been told would be the market in which it would sell. Probably not bother trying to meet anyone while here as the probability of meeting someone who shares my values and would live here is non existent. Ditto for the job market for an academic of my age and fields; only jobs are post docs and temporary faculty with no security or health insurance. Keep honing my woodworking skills so it can turn into a paying job. Saw what the future could look like while tending to my dying dad. Live at my farm, growing food, doing syrup, making cool furniture or high end remodels, getting in serious training, during most of the week, then having a small house or apartment in one of the old mansions on the lake side of town on weekends so I can date, meet people. The town 100 miles east has a good hospital, a university, is small but seems to have many older folk with good enviro values and fairly close to the tribe as well.
Yep my mistake I did read your last comment as your ex rather than your brother – and my condolences for you with the recent death of your Dad.
It seems like a good plan. Very detailed. What would I know? I hope you find what you are looking for.
Spot-on, Noquay! I am in the process of splitting from a 15-year relationship/marriage to an uber-entitled developmentally arrested AC, and that quote of yours is right on the money — thank you!! I need to work out how to translate it into Japanese….
Louise, that is a really interesting comment. Made me think. I think you’re right – and this also applies to those more or less decent but perhaps AC people that back off after showing some initial interest. I think we tend to feel bad or hurt etc,. but they are doing you a favor, and by backing off and not involving you they are deciding beforehand that you are too sincere/present/ no b.s. for them. Thats good.
When I have followed the why did they? it lead me to the blame game – in order to ‘offload my own subconscious seeking redemption’. It doesn’t last long term because it focuses on the external (it is not SELF-sufficient) – so if that is what they are doing? – good luck to them – because it won’t last for them either.
It is enough to know from them that they did not make me feel good. Their problems are for them to deal with – I’ll not waste another second guessing what their problem is. I will work on mine though because it is the only thing that has brought me any results.
Louisa, I can really relate to your comment about the jealousy! I know my ex liked, possibly loved me for me being a real, natural, honest, confident woman. Instead of committing to me, he got scared an started to put me and my exciting future down. He didnt want to let go of me and with that he messed me up.
My ex’s explanation for lying in my face was: I didn’t want to hurt you as I would like to remain friends. While in the end he was hiding is cheating on me and on his new girlfriend with me (I didnt know she existed). He is still jealous of my life and potential interested guys.
Oona, very interesting comment of you “It is enough to know from them that they did not make me feel good” Do you think based on my story that these guys (my case I think a confused, EUM) feel guilt and remorse about the hurt they caused? He knows he hurt me really bad but blamed me to cover himself up.
Maybe a bit naive, but I truly felt that I touched his heart. But he clearly needs to open his eyes and see that he treated me with disrespect! Would jealousy be able to trigger that? Meaning that NC and live happy is my biggest statement to show him what he has lost?
It is my first time here, i love all the articles. I will be grateful for any answer or advice. Thank you for reading.
Confused you don’t need your ex in your life if you want my take on it all. Sure Nat would agree too, sounds like a stuck messed up bloke.
Thank you so much for your honest opinion. I decided that I want to become the confident smart woman again that doesn’t need his validation. As all he did was imposing and when I addressed his inconsistencies he would blame me. Even up to a point where he started to tell his new girlfriend I was a psycho, mean and suicidial so I would have forced him to be with me, that is something only a messed up guy can do!
It’s as if a light bulb clicked for me recently and I’m so excited to report to everyone that I GET IT! It all makes soooooo much sense to me now!!! I thought he loved me, hahahahahahahaha…He was and I’m sure still is an imposer (narcissist) and has since moved on to his next prey and I hope to God she sees through him, unlike I did at first…Unfortunately, he’s had a lot of practice at what he does and he’s very good at the game…I actually saw him running down the street the other day and was actually repulsed by his presence! For those of you that are still on here that knew my back story, you’d be SO proud of me! I’m so proud of me…Believe it or not, I have a boss now that is attacking my character and I stood up to her. I’m tired of people thinking they can mistreat me and I’m also tired of listening to people tell me to just take it. “Take it” is a wimpy response in my opinion! Dear God, life is too short to put up with people and their negative energy…I do have power and control over my own life. You have absolutely NO obligation to stay in an abusive situation whether it’s a boyfriend/friend/spouse/boss/sibling/child. Certain situations can be easier to get out of then others, but like the saying goes, where there’s a will there’s a way…So much of the mistreatment boils down to your self-esteem and boundaries! I’m not just saying this to everyone, but for myself as well, because that’s how I’ve lived most of my life! I’ve had little to no self-esteem and flimsy boundaries and let people get away with treating me so poorly! I’m a work in progress and part of this break through I have to thank Natalie and this awesome site! Thanks 🙂
Natalie- I have been reading your blog for about a month now, and I recently purchased and read twice “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.” Your blog, for me, has been better than my therapy session!
My ex fiance (who I was with for 12yrs)fits into so many of your posts it is scary. It’s as if you met him. He would blow hot/cold, pack up and move out constantly, break up with me all the time, was immature, selfish etc etc etc. He would claim he wasn’t in love with me anymore, move out, then once he was hours away would call, text, Skype, get mad that I was going out. He def was an imposer and would push my boundaries all the time. He would then get made at me and sulk, pout, give me the silent treatment if he didn’t get his way. I suspect there may be some borderline personality disorder going on, but he was never diagnosed.
Thank you for showing me that I was the Fallback Girl and that I need to work on my self esteem and self worth. Your blog has been a blessing and I let all my girlfriends know that it is a must read!
“If you’re dealing with an Imposer, start keeping track of what they say and do because it’s like daylight and garlic to vampires.”
I had a friendship breakup this weekend. I don’t think my friend was an ‘imposer’ but she did want the relationship to be completely on her terms and flipped out the first time I said something she didn’t want to hear.
I was shocked when we communicated recently and she informed me that I had wounded her deeply and told me I said things I flat out never said (she took one word I used and twisted it and turbo charged it with drama it never had in the first place).
I was soooo thankful I had the evidence. I had the email that she said made her feel ‘thrown of a cliff’ and her reply. I forwarded them to her half believing maybe she was so tossed from the booze and drugs she had been on the whole year prior (of our 4 year friendship) that she had actually thought what she said was true but would see it wasn’t with the proof.
Here’s what happened:
She replied with an email saying she could only be friends with me if my friendship was ‘unconditional. No matter what.’
Huh?
So, I took a break, came back and took a deep breath and in the gentlest sincerest way possible (it was clear rejection is a big big issue for her and I will always honor the first couple years of our friendship prior to the start of the addict stuff)
I wouldn’t be able to do that.
I had already grieved the end of this friendship, already accepted what seemed like her soon-to-be death and I had already missed her.
So, when she sent a mean spiteful reply basically telling me I was a terrible friend, telling me I had made another ‘choice’ to leave her and asked me to never contact her again…
I just laughed.
Hi Oola.i am so sorry to hear what happened to you but I am glad you are out of this. I have just recently been cut off by a woman who I thought was my best friend and close as a sister. This woman is never happy in life and I have tried to help her so many times I have helped her with money, helped her with relationships, (she has online relationships ) just recently I helped her end a relationship that was particularly bad. It wasn’t something I wanted to do but I loved her as a sister so I did it. She seemed grateful but then I asked her to do a little favor for me. Since then, I haven’t heard from her. I texted her a week ago and she hasn’t replied. I rang her and her phone rang but she didn’t pick up. My Mom saw her while she was at the local mall and told me she was there. I went to find her, and she had gone. I rang her and again no answer. I am pretty confused and very hurt. Rejection is a big issue for this girl because she used to cry on the phone if one of the guys she was messaging online hadn’t messaged her back. It’s not the first time she has cut me off. And when we talk, it’s usually me who has to listen and when I tell her about my day, she doesn’t seem interested. She says “ya” then carries on talking about herself. She talks sometimes that she “doesn’t want to be here” and she has “nothing to live for” when the men leave her or stop texting her. It used to really upset me and I wanted to help her but I am absolutely shattered mentally and physically…. Elly x
Yes it is when I say No that the **** really hits the fan in my experience – and it is totally of-putting (being honest) from putting a boundary in place ever again and YES I do bear the brunt of guilt when I DEFEND myself – even though in the long term I know, it is better than no defense at all. Also they are soooo quick to return with their own defense – its really astonishing.
With the ex – it was when I put my foot down and went back to work – inadvertantly taking his control away – oops! I saw what he did as a response – mind blowingly vindictive – and thought no that can’t be really happening but it was. I believed his explanation of blame but luckily stuck to my guns? and not budging finally saw the end of him – which at the time I was devastated about! and didn’t want – only now am I starting to really see it as a great great thing.
On a deep level I just couldn’t believe I was in that much of an actual cliche of a relationship! but sadly I was and yes I still am piling the guilt on about my mistakes with him and actually being anywhere near him 3 years later on….
With the next door neighbour/local community, it was when I publicly labelled her as interfering (setting a boundary) – when she was publicly pressuring me, for the umteenth time, into doing something she wanted me to do, in my garden – at which point she significantly upped her game and accused me of being a thief in front of my landlord because I happened to have an old shopping basket – afterwards she then pulled in all her friends, neighbours and golfing community of no hopers using her spying, gossip and personal mis-judgements of myself, based on?…. information my ex supplied her (to get rid of me).
As a result I’ve lost work, friends, ENCOURAGEMENT and support from people when I needed it the most – only it hasn’t worked entirely – I am still here and I am getting better – they are not going to impose on me and get away with it anymore. In the meantime I have nothing to do with her or her ‘imposers’, my ex or the nearest town to myself. I do notice that periodically she and he has another go – like telling me I have parked in the wrong place – or turning up in my road randomly walking a dog with a woman (2 miles from the nearest village!) – sort of like controlling just how strong I can get confidence-wise. All I keep thinking is sooner or later karma catches up with everyone….sooner or later…
What really gets to me – is how I still absorb like a sponge such a guilty feeling for actually defending myself from these people – I always feel like I can’t have done it right because they haven’t turned into a nice person – That is the killer! They even seem to read my response as ‘defensive’ and therefore guilty of any crime they have accused me of & vindicating themselves of their uncaring and downright abusive behaviour and upping it. I have gone non contact completely but they then use that to try to shame me into breaking it – so they can feed the gossip machine they have built. I don’t trust them and they know it.
Natalie the last paragraph of advice is good, thank you. If anyone has any other ideas?… especially with defending yourself/ dealing with the guilt they dump – any tips welcome…
Oona oona oona….
With you on this, as I am experiencing it also with juvenille neighbours. It comes down to their fears and self loathe and insecurities. So when we put up a legitimate boundary, they are forced to deal with themselves, and their issues, because theyre used to getting their own way via manipulations so its always been honkey dorey ‘for them’. When they get the big fat NO, they have a mini meltdown as they cannot control someone, and its a big deal for them as the alarm bells go off within them. I shouldnt smirk at their internal uncomfortable feelings of blind panic 😉 but it is what leads to the games and the dragging in drama lama’s.
My situation has been similar…standing up for basic values like “please pick your dogshite up thats been there for weeks in the shared garden, and while we’re at it, can you stop using my alley way as a short cut” is met with affront. I got the wiffle waffle of excuses, and seeing as this lad was a trainee solicitor, I could feel he thought he was pretty suave pulling that off, but I could pick it apart. Anyhoo…this is then used as a victory by my next door but one neighbour who has been manipulating this lad and his situation to her advantage and against me.
Am I bothered?
No.
A 58 year old woman manipulating 20 odd something spoilt lad to resurrect a 2 year old vendetta……seriously…I have to shake my head at the pathetic mindset. I too have just done no contact, no drama these past few years as she was involved in a witch hunt against me. But I got head down, and ignored her and left her to her nightly bottle or two of wine.
Now I have a dream new job working on a surgical ward, and inside the theatre, I will be finally doing my foundation degree in october.
And I will be MOVING away from all of this nonsense. Its likely my new house will be a lil tiny house on a farm on the edge of a forest. Great for my moutain biking, great for my horseriding, and can go wild swimming in the nearby lake. What a dream.
And with this…I had ex banging on my door last night for twenty minutes. I initially opened door, to find him there with two pages of A4 for me to read. The letter wasnt accepted and the door got shut, and stayed shut until he left.
He said I was being horrible to him, but I was sat with my mental filo-fax of all the pain and hurt he had caused me, and all the the things that he had said and done to me.
“no woman will ever come before my neice and family, not even you Soulfull” (this was said soon after he wanted us to become engaged again)
Bye then, idiot.
Wow! That’s where I want to be/going! (well not quite the surgery/theatre bit but you know what I mean – dream job). ‘Pathetic mindset’ is true – thank you for a dose of reality Soulfull! I imagine her puffing on her packs of cigarettes for company…
What can you do?!
You are right it is important to keep the focus on myself and my life and not on others and their drama needs…I am gonna make it out of this hell…so I’d better, carry on, getting on with it – never mind the attempts at Distractions by imposers to bring me down!.. Just had another Distraction today but didn’t melt down totally, this time before doing anything – I had a bath and listened to the Pixies on T in the Park (blast from the past I’d been curious about seeing) I sat down and ate something freshly made and wrote a list of what was really essential for me to do to deal with… and miraculously as I started to do only the things on the list – the impossible became doable after all…?….and the Distraction imposed started to lift…
I can tell the Distractions are becoming less frequent and don’t last for as long, now, as they used to but they are still shocking when they do appear and really dangerous for the fragile confidence in others I have started to build/ trust in myself and my ability to deal effectively with problems. Deep breath!
Soulfull – Well done for shutting the door on Nonsense!!! It’s impressive. What an Idiot he was for not recognising how wonderful you are! And I’m glad you can see it!! I hope you get your dream home and life – wild swimming, horse riding, forest, lovely neighbours/community and all… I would like a small home with a log burner near or in a small wood, using clay from the ground to make work and fire to set it, and happily active in many aspects in the community… there I’ve said it… Now I’ve just got to get on with it.
HaHaHa! Whack a mole, Whack an AssClown. My laugh for the night! Thanks Nat, another home run article! ????
Spot on! I feel as though you are writing about my assclown personally. When I decided to stand up for myself and said “NO” things went downhill fast. I even tried to explain my position quite succinctly I thought. His exact response when I explained my position and asked quite sweetly…Do you understand why I feel the way I do and why I have to say no?” was ——> and I quote: ” I dont care where you are coming from or why you feel the way you do, I want what I want fullstop.” Needless to say that was the beginning of the end. I am almost at a little over a month of NC. Its not easy because I truly loved him but it is a lot easier because I can truly see that he does not deserve my love.
I guess the worst part is that I chose to ignore all the signs for 4+ years and blamed MYSELF for all his transgressions. Telling myself….hey maybe I should have been more understanding, he is having such a hard time at work or maybe he was tired or maybe I am being too sensitive or maybe this shit or that shit when in fact I was being manipulated the whole time.
Im not saying Im doing just fine and this doesnt hurt most days but man I can tell you this I can finally say I am better off without him. I would rather be a little miserable getting over him than with him and bawling my eyes out and watching my blood pressure go up to dangerous levels being with him. GOOD EFFIN RIDDANCE!
IWokeup,
I did the explaining myself calmly, when I should have cuss his a#@ out! If I knew I was going to get the same response, I should have gone for the latter. Even though he never said “I don’t care”, I knew he didn’t. He was thinking of himself and as long as he was okay, he really didn’t care why I didn’t want him.
Stephanie, how long was your relationship and are you doing the NC and how long has it been and whats the hardest part?
This Friday will be 4 weeks into NC. A huge milestone for me. I usually gave in to his attempts to get me to take him back. The hardest part is admitting that I was so wrong about someone who meant so much to me and for someone, like me who never had an issue with self-esteem to allow myself to go thru this with any man while other men beat down my door I was committed to making it work with this one.
Obviously you dont have to answer if you dont want its just that everyone’s stories on here help me out so much. I thank God for this blog.
I agree very much so. I also want to say thank you. Your books and articles have helped me to recognize that in my past I had no boundaries. Honestly for decades I did not love myself. With your help I have learned to set boundaries and when someone crosses them I recognize they are not respecting me or valuing me as a person and that I deserve better treatment. I speak up for myself and I stand firm. I have people walk away because of my boundaries but I would rather them leave me be than walk all over me. So thanks for helping me to love myself.
Ah the sweet joy of seeing how someone tries to take over your oppinion and boundaries 🙂 witnessed that last week when one guy who looked really interested in me at first tried to convince me that he has to go home with me though I said no already.
Words I needed to hear, in black and white. I’m summarising all the points and also cottoned on earlier that you need to have proof documented (this future faker EUM AC of mine that I regret taking back)… Building myself up again with these articles to cling to as my strength which justify why I will for once and for all, get out of this bad addiction of a relationship.
PS: I love that pic ‘do no harm (but take no sh!t)’ 🙂
Reading this hit home, I see everything he was. Though it was me,asking for too much.
I like to THANK YOU from the bottom of the my heart the books I read, and this site, and all the people who comment. You all have helped me work thru this and still working. It has been two months that he is out of my life (he was in for fourteen years).
I remember when I turn down the offer from the ex-eum to have a relationship after he conveniently forgot that he left me to date someone else, he stopped calling me for about a month. I guess this was his way of punishing me for turning down his specular offer! LOL It was okay with me because I emotionally checked out long before that.
Then when he call me up after a month, he pretended like nothing happened. It was as if he was dismissing my reasoning and decided he was gonna keep trying even though I clearly told him why I didn’t want to be with him. He would call acting all nice when he knows darn well he didn’t want a relationship. He just wanted me to comply and didn’t like being rejected. All the while grinning and acting like he was sincere when he knew he was still seeing someone else. So glad I dodge that bullet.
Stephanie,
I had asked you a question in response to your reply to me but I see much of your story here. What amazes me is the call or the text that these assclowns send completely ignoring the issue that caused the problem and thinking that 1.clock has been reset and we have somehow forgotten the issue or 2. miss them so much we cant think straight and have been sitting by the phone waiting for the call or text to come in from our night in shining armor. lol, How pathetic are they?
Its actually been awhile, but he was my epiphany relationship. It didn’t long to get over him once I stop lying to myself and saw him as the assclown he was. I moved on and got married, but both me and my husband often discuss our past relationships and how if we hadn’t gone through the sadness and pain, we never would have met each other. Also, I like to inspire women and let them know it does get better and I been there. Just because you are married doesn’t mean u forget your past.
Hi Stephanie,
I am glad you are in a healthy relationship now it give me hope.
Iwokeup, sorry to jump in here but this is what he will keep doing until he finally gets the message that you aren’t interested anymore. How many times did you cave in and take him back, he thinks you are going to cave in again and it’s just a matter of when. Your history together tells him this and there is no reason for him to believe otherwise.
It doesn’t matter that you have told him that you don’t want anything to do with him, he’s not going to pay any attention to that, he possibly thinks your playing hard to get or whatever reason this assclown has that makes him keep persisting.
These types of guys hardly ever go away, they have you in their roladex and when they are bored or have no other victim in tow they will contact you to see if they can get some sort of response leading to a quick shag.
I know going NC can be difficult at first, we keep making excuses for them or convince ourselves that maybe they aren’t that bad at all, perhaps I was wrong because he’s being so nice to me.
You know exactly who you are dealing with. I knew who I was dealing with when I finally dumped the assclown I was involved with. Nothing he has said or done since then has convinced me that he has changed, he’s a controlling liar and a cheat and I wouldn’t believe anything he said or did, all I would be doing is going down that road to pain and disappointment. Lather, rinse and repeat! Been there, done that too many times.
The only thing you can do is stick with NC, don’t talk or engage with him in any way. It gets easier every day.
Pauline,
You are so right that these guys will contact you NO matter how much time has passed. After going no contact for a year in a half, AC had the balls to call me looking for a ego stroke. The sad part was I felt he was intentionally trying to hurt me the same way he did when I dealt with him! But the joke was on him, not only did he not get the response he had hoped for, but I also rejected his request to “meet up” before he got married! The sad part was he actually thought he was a great guy despite his despicable behavior. The reality is going no contact is the best way to rid these parasites so you can go on live a happy life.
Thank you Stephanie. I know that there is hope out there. Ive met a couple of guys who want to go out but Im not ready to date or anything like that yet. Right now Im just taking time to myself.
Thank you also Pauline. You are absolutely right. Ive taken him back so many times in the past that he has absolutely no reason to believe this time will be any different, except for the fact that its longer than its ever been. The other times also, I had not yet read, or known about NC so I usually ended up right back. He probably thinks Im playing a game of sorts that he will somehow win when I take him back. But that will never happen.
I am so resolute this time it is unbelievable. I am surprising even myself. Like you said Pauline all I have to do is remind myself what an A grade assclown I am dealing with. Nothing ever changes. He is good for a week, two at the most and then its back to the bullshit. Ive really had enough. I love myself too much for that.
Iwokeup,
Last year I thought the AC was gone after 7 months of not hearing from him. I had deleted his number and all his texts from my phone, blocked him on FB and marked his email address as spam and I thought I was home free. Wrong. He called me out of the blue, nice as pie, sweet as sugar. I did talk to him but I’d heard all the BS before and it no longer had any meaning. I also agreed to meet him before he left the country for good as he was going to live in the UK. Playing with fire I know but the great thing was I discovered I had no feelings left for him. Nothing, nada, indifference.
How sweet that is!
Pauline,
I swear we shared the same experience with different men I think! Lol. I saw assclown to after no contact and he was just as nice, but when I saw him there was nothing there! Any attraction I had for him was
gone. Even when he touched me I thought I was gonna vomit. Its funny how life works when u take the blinders off! Yeah!
I have to chime in here hope you don’t mind, lol… I’m in a very happy relationship now but last yr I was involved with a dude from college. He seemed lovely at first but he always asked me for nude or naughty pics. I did a few but I didn’t feel comfortable doing them as I’m quite a modest girl so I stopped. We met up a few times and he always touched me too much and tried to rush the pace of the relationship when I had told him I didn’t want to rush it. He promised me the world and said he loved me ! …At Xmas 2013 he stopped texting and wanting to meet. I soon found out on Facebook that he was seeing a girl he had known for years and was his “best friend” I was upset but I went NC. I heard nothing from him until this June. Out of the blue came this text. He was asking could we meet to talk and be “friends” I agreed and so we met. The first thing he did was grab my bum as he went in for a hug. I told him I just wanted to be friends. He didn’t seem to take it in, still asking for rude pics. Well that was it, and I actually felt creeped out by him, the attraction was and is completely gone. He told me he’d broke up with the girl and wanted to try me again…well, it’s been nearly 3 months of NC again now and I changed my number too. I wish him luck in his life but he is no longer someone I wish to associate with. Elly x
Thank you so much. I am dealing with this with a close family member, one who has their own version of the past and wants to keep beating me up over it. Its hard to not have any contact, since she is living in my house and I can’t kick her to the curb because of the kids…holding firm is not easy when she is there daily beating at my boundaries, and I can’t flush immediately. There have been things said and done that to me are unforgivable, at least for now. It has caused a lot of damage to the relationship, one that I feel I can’t really cut free of because we are family, and I don’t want the kids to be the ones to suffer. I keep thinking that maybe some day she will see reason, learn to forgive, but for now, that hope is just whistling dixie in the wind…not going anywhere. Its hard, its sad, and despite the emotional rollercoaster, I am remaining firm and keeping my boundaries intact.
Dove
“Close family member” Is she your spouse or just family member?
“One who has their own version of the past? Is it your past? have you explained your version? If you have, then she knows the true version of your story, if she chooses to ignore it, you have done your part, it is up to her to decide
How old are your kids? since you sacrifice your happiness for them. Even though it is not healthy in your part, they are lucky to have you, to put them first before your hapiness.
Matlou, she is my adult daughter (25) who has bounced back in with two daughters of her own in tow, one is three and the other is six months. The past is our shared past, and the way I raised her. She has most definitely heard my side multiple times, the story has never changed, and still she questions me about why. I may not have been the ideal parent, but I did the best I could as a single mom, without support or close family to fall back on. My biggest sin to her is that I worked full time, I wasn’t there as much as she wanted, as much as she is with her two girls (she doesn’t work). I am done talking about it with her. She has finally moved out, after she got violent and I told her she had to go. She was lucky, yes. I took her in, took care of the kids when she needed, took them out places she wouldn’t have been able to go.
Oona, thank you, I do know that everyone has their own perspective to color the view. You have some good points, ones that I have reviewed myself. I know how this can affect kids, which is why I didn’t argue back in front of them. I have tried a neutral arbitration, and it doesn’t hold. She is unwavering in her belief and unwilling to compromise anything to make the situation livable. And since she escalated the situation to the point of physical contact, it left me little choice. I will not live with the abuse, for anyone, for any reason. I did that for five years when I was married to her father, I will not repeat it ever again.
Um dove? – Your version of the past will always be different to any other persons and no one will ever ever see it the same as you – no matter what they say to you – even if they are agreeing – we are all different and experience individually so even if we are in the same room we each have a different valid authentic experience.
If you are experiencing emotional pain in the company of any person – from my own experience – this needs to be acknowledged! and boundaries set and enforced – not repressed in the hope it will go away – it is just simply not healthy!!! – in ways you won’t understand or see until it is way too late and more damage is done.
You can choose many ways to do this and have probably thought of your own other solutions before but dismissed them for some reason??? From what you describe, there is basically a disagreement between two peoples and you need some form of neutral arbitration in order to move forward together or you need Non Contact?
News Flash – this problem is not going away – and if this is in the same house as kids? guess what you are BOTH teaching them????
This is where kids learn unhealthy emotional and social behaviours that can truely devastate their lives in unforeseen ways – as you already know – this is NOT in the kids best interests! Come on Dove spread those wings and fly. Get those ideas you have had to solve this problem – out from under the table – and make it work for you – no shirking.
My goodness these guys never stop. Imposer #1 who ive been nc with for quite awhile doesnt seem to stop showing up even still! I dont answer the door of course but tonight I was outside w my neighbors due to an issue in the neighborhood and low and behold who shows up and sits on my steps to my house. Apologized again for “everything” which I now know really means “I’m sorry u got upset and ruined things for me. Please let me press the reset button to take advantage of you more.” Imposing, imposing, imposing. I kept it short and went in my house. Made sure I put my rubberband on to pop myself if I start thinking of him or the bs. He doesnt care about me.
HappyAgain – this sounds worrying to me – like someone is not taking your boundaries seriously yet. You sound like you have your head in the right place though so I hope this happens for you.
Oona,
You know what is crazy to me?! I been NC for a year (with the exception of telling him multiple times to leave me alone and quit coming to my house). I quit even doing that months ago, though I did when he caught me on my steps the other night. I changed my numbers before that even. He doesn’t respect my boundaries at all, IMPOSER, it doesn’t seem like its a yet thing. Never-the-less I’m just getting on w my own life and working on me. I appreciate your comment.
And I hope it happens for me too. I just dont get the point of it other than I guess its like Natalie said they just want to try to keep you from moving forward. Who knows. Crazy to me.
LOL to calling them parasites, but so true! I never in a million years thought I’d be over him and I am! And let me tell you how wonderful that feels! And I know he will fall back into my life just like he has a gazillion times, all sweet and missing me, barf! Ladies who are struggling, it really does get better and easier! And you will feel so empowered and it’s amazing how giving it time you can see right through all their BS!!!
Ahhhh, the sweet sweet sound of sanity!
I think I have an AC on my hands. We both are on a board of trustees and go to meetings a few times a year. We have a spark and he hinted romantic interest, saying we should go away together and stay with his friend – he said it lightly, but still, men don’t say this to a single woman if they don’t want her getting the wrong idea, and has said/done other suggestive things.
But he has this absurd habit of initiating something, then disappearing when I reciprocate, it’s become so predictable. Then he reappears and acts like we really know each other. In an act that didn’t even surprise me, he proposed working together on a workshop, I didn’t even agree but just responded by asking a few questions, and by the deadline, I heard nothing back from him. not only this, but on this day he sent a group response to a far less important message from some co-trustees. What gets me is that we’re both committed to the organisation but he can’t even be professional with me.
It leaves me thinking ‘what the flip, who does he think I am?’ I no longer buy that he’s just disorganised, as he says sometimes, he seems perfectly capable with the people he’s not f’ing with.
But there’s something pleasing about all this too. I shrugged my shoulders and put in my own workshop plan without him, rather than chase him up or feel like I needed him. And though I might have a second of thinking, ‘what did I do or say wrong to get no response’, I conclude that he’s weird.
I try to understand why, and I realise the ex-AC acted just the same. I would try to win him back when he disappeared so by the time we got really involved with each other, I gave him my all. Clearly it’s behaviour that works sometimes. I have feelings for this person and can’t help feeling great when he’s warm and disappointed when he’s cold, maybe he’s perceived that, even though I’m very guarded. But I’ve pretty much given up on romantic ideas, almost sure he’s an AC, and just have to take it as a lesson. One thing I can take from it is that he appealed to me because we have similar (ethnic) background and seemed to open up this part of me, so now I will make more effort to meet others like this.
I think the romantic attachments we feel are often a substitute for something missing in our lives.
happyb, I just want to say that its great that you put in your own workshop idea!! Well done, you! This applies to all type of flakes out there – ignore them if they are flaky, dont try and chase them down and dont feel any guilt for THEIR behavior. Plus if you had got into any project with him, every decision would involve endless meandering and flakiness.
So so true!Happy b. I have noticed the same thing. When it happens to me – that mismatch in response to my warm feeling/actions to them, when they have flirted with me – so confusing! – there is a sort of red bull feeling instead of a nice warm sustaining good food glow (ie good meal followed by pudding and custard or porridge for me). I now recognise that red ‘bull’ feeling as not actually being a good feeling for me. Especially when I start asking what I am doing wrong and what can I do to attract him to me.
At that point I am also beginning to ask – what is it that I’m missing – why is it that I am craving for him?
And try to do something about it. It’s kept 2 AC’s away from me – one I suspect was a narcissist. I would never have admitted to myself spotting the ‘confusion’ otherwise and I would have gone on to ‘develop’ something really unsavory. The best thing – my confidence is growing slowly – for real.
Know this – if it doesn’t feel like it is right or that you need to be better somehow – it’s because it isn’t right and there is no confusion in that feeling.
Happy b Sit back and just watch the problems start to reveal themselves to you and know that this time you are not wrapped up in it. I am so pleased you put your own workshop plan in without him – good on you!
Suki, thank you so much! Flakiness is a major bugbear for me and on the reverse, I like committed, consistent and passionate people. There are different reasons for flakiness, sometimes plain laziness and apathy, other times because they’re spoilt and over-entitled, other times because they don’t manage their time well, often a combination. In this case I think he’s flip-flapping either from indecisiveness about me or more likely, to test my boundaries/ boost his ego, because I know how capable, passionate and committed he is elsewhere.
And Oona, thank you too! It’s great to handle these testing situations by recognising our progress and learning, instead of hand-wringing. I know that ‘old me’ wouldn’t have gone ahead with the plan by myself. I would have him on such a pedestal that I’d believe myself incapable without him and feel very insecure about his ‘rejection’, making me feel even less capable. If we respond to these bizarre actions by enriching and expanding our own lives and calling out the behaviour, rather than wastefully throw our energy towards the AC, we can only gain from it. I can’t easily erase him from my mind, it’s like my heart fills up when I have his attention, but I won’t let him change my sense of self.
How can you make your heart fill up without his attention ?
Some ideas might be go into nature, think how you made a difference to someone’s life, spend time with a really good old friend, get a rescue dog, etc …
Hi Louise, you’re right and I find joy in many things, I just need to reach that ‘what was I thinking?!’ moment to stop finding it in him. I’ll get there.
What I really hate is the MM trying to impose his will on me. Recently I was hit on in no uncertain terms by a neighbor. I see him and his wife together or separately on a regular basis and we live only a couple of doors apart. I can’t believe his nerve! What am I supposed to be STUPID? Why would I want to get into some shite like that? His wife is a lovely person. He was very persistent. This is the second time this has happened to me. The first time was the husband of a very close friend. I was emphatic about saying, “No”. Funny, but in both cases they didn’t want to even say “Hello”, anymore. Lol! They did me a favor. Men!
You reject them = they reject you. Good anti AC and EUM plan Tinkerbell.
Tinkerbell, what do these men possibly think they have to offer us ? This hits home for me because I was recently asked out by a man who has a doting partner.
What would be got from the hook up I wanted to ask him. A fraction of their time to listen to their stupid stories and dull jokes, a bit of unconscious sex, together with a feeling of emptiness at the end, a distraction from tidying the house ? Where do they get off, they have nothing to offer us, only heartache and a waste of our time.
Why can’t the single guys step up to the plate?
I dunno Tinkerbell. I am sorry you have to deal with married dude. Louise is right; they pursue us with less than zilch on offer. I would really offended thinking “why do you even THINK I am the sort to fool around with a married?”. It’s also weird that these dudes tend to be in our own social circle or neighbors, or colleagues. Like they’re really gonna get away with it.
So Natalie,
You must have met my ex husband! :p
Even almost 7 years post divorce, he still writes emails using the word “request” to substitute a demand of action on my part to allow him to visit with our child. The times I need to say no because my son has a prior commitment, or I say yes as long as he is willing take him to his commitment, the reaction I get is, “So, you are refusing to allow me the right to see my son?”
This was a worthy piece to read after I recieved his response to our next court motion next month. Thank you!
I love this posting. Most people that are dealing with boundary busting people could use some reassurance that they are doing right by sticking up for themselves. I read your post(s) regarding boundaries, asserting them, and how it may make others feel some type of way because they are not used to you having boundaries and asserting them (I call it having your own back) and it was like the light bulb clicked on in my head. Why am I letting others make me feel awkward and uncomfortable for asserting my boundaries, when they should be the one that feels awkward and uncomfortable for crossing my boundaries and trying to convince me to do something I don’t want to do? By standing up for yourself, you turn the tables, and it is so refreshing. Thank you for all of our great postings, articles, and great advice!
It’s our most human right to say no. Our most basic treasure. And it is my favorite word.
Also people who are very insecure will see any kind of vulnerability as weakness and take it as a sign to dominate. Don’t let ’em. It’s okay to hiss back at these people and demand that they leave you alone (albeit no violence in a non self defense context and no abuse–just good ol’ fashion assertiveness and heapings of self-esteem). These people are never as strong as they appear.
Hi,
My guy and I have been smoking for a while, and he wants to quit badly but he can’t do it without me being wholeheartedly on board.
Smoking is ultimately bad for me, and quitting the cigarettes is a good step to take. And while I do want to quit as well, a part of me feels like I’m being compromised into quitting. FYI, he gives me the freedom to dictate the timeline and our quitting “pace”.
How do boundaries work in my situation?
Another brilliant and timely post Natalie — thank you!! As I am in the process of splitting from a 15-year marriage to a severe AC and have always been acutely susceptible to manipulation by guilt and emotional extortion, I think I am going to print this post and keep it in my hip pocket for quick reference! It is SO EMPOWERING to finally have a sensible “road map” and “tip sheet” for how to navigate relationships, identify assclowns and sweep for landmines before I step in them and they blow up in my face 😀
…and wishing you a very happy belated birthday!