One of the things that used to put the big-time fear into me was ‘settling’. No way was I gonna find myself with some ‘nice guy’ that bored the bejaysus out of me. I wanted love and what I was used to looking for and feeling. This meant that they had to be:
- Tall (had to be over 5ft 10 as my father is short so on some level I felt in order for a man to be available and take care of me, they had to eclipse me in height.)
- Good looking but not too good looking (just in case he’d think that I wasn’t good enough for him) or he could be ‘quirky looking’ (to ensure that he felt as if he’d snapped up a great woman and wouldn’t leave, because I figured it was only what’s on the surface that they’d like me for anyway).
- Intelligent because, well, my mum had been banging on about my father’s super intelligence and his “wasted potential” for as long as I can remember (no childish chatter for me when I was a kid!).
- Employed in a good job because, “Natalie, you need a man for security. When I was your age, my boyfriends bought me TVs and jewellery”. Nuff said.
- Funny. Good sense of humour because I figured if a guy can make you laugh then they must be doing something right. That same sense of humour meant that my needs were later deflected with sarcasm and they’d combine the humour with intelligence to be passive aggressive and play mind games.
- A bit mysterious (read: giving off unavailable vibe). My stomach had to do the leap of ‘excitement’ (butterflies) triggered by attracting a guy who would be hard to pin down emotionally. If he was ‘too keen’ (read: decent, unambiguous, not trying to get into my pants, not blowing hot and cold and basically not maintaining a decent enough ratio of interest and messing me about in some way), I was out.
The deal was, I had to go from feeling in control to sufficiently insecure and anxious to feel that it was dramatic enough to tick the boxes of what I felt was love and a relationship. No matter the ‘highs’, the net result was unhappiness. Note also that there’s nothing in my above criteria about character and direction (their values).
I was afraid of settling but actually, settling happens one of two ways:
1) When you sell yourself short by going, “Ah feck it. The relationship musical chairs is coming to an end so I’ll say yes to whoever will have me”, or “Some crumbs is better than no crumbs and I’m too afraid to start over and go for what I really want and need”, or “All the good/men women are gone. It’s too late now”–you get the gist.
2) When you’re in a pattern of relationship insanity where you’re carrying the same baggage, beliefs and behaviours, going out with same person different package, and expecting different results. It’s when you choose based on the pattern of programming not actual values, your preferences for how you want to live. You settle for the familiar uncomfortable and effectively keep you small.
So yes: if you’re going out with Mr/Miss Unavailable, that is settling. Emotional unavailability is settling for low/no intimacy and limited commitment, for you and for them. Whether you settle for less with someone who dicks you around or someone who is ‘nice’, you’re settling for less than what you need, want and deserve.
You settle sometimes without realising it because the relationship feels like ‘home’ so you don’t know any different, or because you’ve been so busy blaming you or something or someone else, that you’ve not understood what has been behind some of your relationship decisions. You might not be aware of why certain preferences are your preferences. You impose a glass ceiling on you.
I think sometimes, in fact very often when we are in the loop-the-loop of our pattern, we think that the ‘chemistry’ that we experience in our painful relationships is something that we could experience in a less painful one, but that resonance we have, that strong attraction, is largely coming from the chaos and pain of those relationships. We don’t realise where we’re being triggered or that we seek out certain things because we have unresolved wounds to heal.
If who you’ve felt the most ‘chemistry’ with is in unavailable and what might be very painful relationships, a lot of what you feel is pain, fear, and familiarity. If you’re willing to take the time to know you, to look behind your attraction, and to make sure that you’re doing your due diligence in the early stages of the relationship, you will not subscribe to remaining in your pattern because you’re pursuing growth and you want to create a present and future that’s different to your past.
Loving relationships have chemistry and calm.
Calm does not mean that you’re not interested or that they’re boring; it just means that you’re not afraid, partly because you’re more personally secure (hopefully) but also because you’re not in a power struggle and/or trying to reclaim your dignity so that you can feel as if the drama has been “worth it”. You’re also not going out with a parental (or bully) replacement.
It is OK for you to like what you like but when there’s a recurring theme or something feels like a sticking point for you, it’s critical to the examine why you like what you like and that you don’t pursue it to the exclusion of shared values and mutual love, care, trust and respect. It’s not about you being ‘wrong’; it’s about choosing a partner without unnecessary blind spots and also taking responsibility for the type of relationship you want to co-create.
There’s no point in chasing a level of chemistry that interferes with your happiness and the ability for you both to have a mutually fulfilling relationship. You want to love and be loved, not be high.
Your thoughts?
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Hahaha!!! I have a list too, that in some way is similar to yours. Maybe a little TOO similar in one or two headings (aka mysterious)
My other list factors now include EU passport, and my age or a little younger, and health conscious. Because men die earlier than women so I want to get a man who isn’t just going to die early!!! Unfortunately I tend to date quite a bit older than me (5-10 yrs), except for the last guy.
Wasn’t Natalie was trying to point out that our lists need to be less about outward appearances – not so much about boosting our own self-esteem through being associated with Mr. Prince Charming? Ooooh, he’s so gorgeous and he’s mine!
So yes, we do want to be physically attracted, but we might be physically attracted to someone who isn’t George Clooney caliber if we stop using a George Clooney filter. But on the other hand, don’t go out with a Barney Fife if Barney Fife will never rock your boat.
Look for attraction on a broader level. You like his views, the way he thinks, the way he treats other people who make less than him, his manners…you know….things that aren’t based on imputed prestige when being seen with him.
And there are no guarantees around life expectancy, or earning capabilities, or any other thing. And we have faults too. We fart, and pick our noses, and get bunions and moles…….so it’s not like the person WE pick might not wish something about us was different. So the thing to do is pick someone who makes you your BEST you and who feels the same about you.
Hi Natalie. Ages since I’ve posted, but you look just as beautiful and your posts make just as much sense 🙂
I agree with everything in this post and I can recognize that reaction in myself, but I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’m pretty happy and productive on my own these days but I am intensely uncomfortable whenever a man expresses even a vague interest.
At the minute my next-door-neighbour’s mechanic has started to call round with things for my car and small gifts. He’s a nice man but I’m not at all interested (I don’t find him attractive) and, although he hasn’t done or said anything remotely inappropriate, I feel trapped and panicky at even the prospect of his making a move. If I perceive that a male friend might be considering anything more, I immediately react by creating as much distance as I can and, if that fails, by being deliberately obnoxious until they go away.
Funnily enough, I can field inappropriate interest really well, I don’t take married, attached or misogynist men up on anything but I can deal with it perfectly calmly, usually with some charm and wit and no hard feelings. The anxiety and sweaty palms aren’t there.
Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this? I suspect that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone on this one a bit, but at the same time it seems silly to make myself really anxious whilst attempting to generate an interest that just isn’t there.
Yoghurt
You need to tell him kindly and respectfully that you’re not interested. Not easy but this kind of thing only gets worse. Had this happen with a dude who helped me when I was injured and the situation turned into near-stalkerdom. Unfortunately, some folk cant distinguish between a person merely being polite and being interested.
Agree w Noquay. All my male friends have been through work and university and even if they show an interest or become inappropriate you’re protected by your social context. Neighbours mechanic is not a vetted person. This guy is making you uncomfortable. Becker’s Gift of Fear comes to mind – of course he’s probably harmless but you don’t like him. Do not accept gifts. Return them. It’s ok to not like people. It’s ok to have boundaries. You don’t have to justify them. He doesn’t have to do anything to give you permission to enforce boundaries – he might be the loveliest man ever but if he makes you uncomfortable then you are allowed to back off.
Try this – tell him ‘the gifts make me uncomfortable – I can’t accept them’. Give no other reason. If he gets mean, you have your answer anyway. Do not get into an argument. Be firm.
I once told this to someone. He was a bit shocked but showed far more class than he had till then and was nice and backed off.
It is a hard balance; does one stay with someone who is present though you are not attracted to or remotely compatible with or does one risk a partner turning out to be unavailable in some way, a user, a narc though you are strongly attracted. I dont think you can force attraction: still feel guilty about stringing a poor soul along for 6 months trying to force myself into attraction. Theoretically he shouldve been perfect: kind, stable, sort of active, educated. Couldnt get past his looks. Yep, sometimes I feel that the solution is to stay alone. 99.9% of the men I meet I feel the need to walk away from. Perhaps because my husband had been a 10 in many respects, I find it impossible to settle for 2’s. I agree with C in that a potential partner must live in a healthy way. I saw what happens when they dont by my dads example. The journey is long, expensive, and not pretty. True, any of us can get disabled or ill tomorrow but no one should pay the price for someone elses decades of poor self care. Ditto for financial stability. Folk need to accept the consequences of their life’s decisions, no one is an exception.
I would argue against the common belief that an unattractive partner would be kinder, more caring as their options are few. Not true. I’ve known men such as my husband who was attractive yet a jem in every way vs. unattractive men who are vicious, angry. They’re two different issues not necessarily related. My list is similar to Nats: attractive, similar socioeconomic and educational levels, fit, active. Have dated outside this and it was disastrous every time. The litmus test of a good partner is how you feel around them. If it feels like a lot of extra effort and stress on your part, run. If you are glad to go the extra mile and enjoy it, and your actions are reciprocated/appreciated stick around. If who you are is not OK, bail now. Although my current SO is in many ways not what I thought would work (sociopolitical views, households, many interests) surprisingly, we seem to get along thus far. Statements such as “you are the important one here” and “I don’t want to let you down”, “I really respect you” reinforced by action mean a lot to me.
Noquay,
Are you saying your current partner is a match EXCEPT you are just not attracted physically (and you’ve given 6 months time)? Sorry, I was a little confused. Are you debating sticking it out because he possesses other good qualities which are difficult to find? If I AM understanding, you’re wondering if this relationship can work WITHOUT you being attracted to him. I know it doesn’t work for ME. I think that’s a big thing, but we all must decide for ourselves.
Say
No. About 5 years ago, about 6 months after the Narcboy debacle, I got on line and met a dude that I tried hard to force myself to be attracted to. That’s what all the other blogs tell you; overlook looks, attraction will grow, you’re older, with few options. Couldn’t do it.
Sorry for the confusion Noquay- I got confused with your timeline. Here’s hoping your hard work pays off and you are happy 🙂
Also rooting for you.
Hey Noquay, so happy to hear that the man you’ve been dating is working out!
You hit it right on the head with this:
“The litmus test of a good partner is how you feel around them. If it feels like a lot of extra effort and stress on your part, run. If you are glad to go the extra mile and enjoy it, and your actions are reciprocated/appreciated stick around. If who you are is not OK, bail now. “
I let go someone and have week ago and have been eaten up with guilt and feelings of regret and uncertainty. We got to date 2 over the course of speaking nearly every day for about 5-6 weeks. I knew the 1st time he contacted me online that I simply didn’t fancy him. But he wasn’t a slimeball, completely respectful, kind, sweet, mature,stable with job and made me smile but at the end of the day he was ”nice”. I deliberately gave this potential relationship a shot to buck the trend of my past ”type” but I too could not force the attraction and believe me I tried. I found myself psyching myself up before seeing him to be as opened minded as possible to finding him physically attractive but I just couldn’t muster it. I felt awful as he made it clear in a respectful way that he found me attractive. He was a complete gent but I had to end it even after a great 2nd date as his feelings were growing stronger and I was avoiding all attempts from him trying a first kiss. That really told me something. I knew it would confuse and upset him somewhat but it would have been cruel and downright dishonest to lead him if I didn’t feel the same way. I’m usually the one on the receiving end ignoring all the red flags but this time I had to let someone down and its a horrible feeling. But my gut told me that this ”nice” guy wasn’t right but maybe another ”nice” guy will be. I’m not holding out for a bad boy.
Nat,
Excellent as always. Wanted to comment on your point about The Catch and similar shows. Seems like many movies and TV shows portray the red flag behavior ultimately leading to a great relationship. That’s troubling. We will see if that is what happens with the catch.
Thanks for the post, Nat. This lesson came at the perfect time. I’m struggling with my feelings about a new guy that I’m seeing. We’ve been on 7 dates, including a sleep over. He’s very nice, cute, smart, family-oriented, driven, handy, etc. I feel like we’re missing that elusive “spark,” though. I think this is mostly due to me not being completely emotionally available. I’m still very much hung up on my ex who broke up with me about 3 months ago. I thought I was going to marry him, it was the best relationship I had ever had. Unfortunately, timing wasn’t right and he had to let me go (long story), but a very healthy and loving relationship even through our break up. I feel guilty for dating this new guy when I haven’t completely moved on from my ex yet, and feel myself always comparing them. The new guy is a great guy though, and we have fun together. My emotions are just all over the place and I can’t help but wonder if this could turn into something with time, as I heal my personal wounds. Or if I’m settling for Mr Right Now.
This is nothing short of amazing. You hit the nail ON THE HEAD. I’ve just finally, in my late 30s/early 40s, started to realize that due to how I was raised (with an alcoholic/emotionally abusive/absent) father, feelings of ‘danger’, ‘fear’, and ‘instability’ are NOT love, even though that is what my child mind learned.
This is extremely hard to unlearn. To try and go against my initial feelings of attraction because they can’t be trusted – as I’ve learned time and time again. But, I’m just finally realizing I don’t need anyone and would rather be alone than ‘settle’. That is a huge step! Thanks Nat. <3
Dee, I’m trying hard to forget an EU guy with narc tendencies I met who I felt very much ‘at home’ around, and I also experienced parental abuse and neglect, which says being ‘at home’ is not so great. I’ve had awful nightmares associated with him that are only matched by previous toxic relationships and times in my childhood, which is my subconscious telling me what my heart won’t.
I thankfully will not settle for EU crumbs anymore, but also I feel afraid of settling for someone too ‘normal’, who doesn’t stimulate me in the same way. I know that like physical attractiveness, this must be a bit of a false binary. I know bland doesn’t necessarily mean nice, and interesting/talented doesn’t have to mean narc/abusive, but it’s something I struggle with.
Like you, I’d rather be alone than settle for either, and this has to be a source of strength.
I wasn’t looking for Mr. Unavailable. I wasn’t even looking for anybody at the time. I was perfectly fine being single. He just appeared in my life, turned it upside down and left saying “I didn’t mean to hurt you”. Even smart books & articles couldn’t prevent this from happening. It’s been 5 months since it ended and there is nothing but a hole in my chest.
Natalie,
Yet again (and again) you are spot on. Calm and chemistry is the definition of a loving relationship, it is that simple.
troy, tony, matt..all passive aggressive, all insecure, all bullies, all ambiguous, all emotional unstable, all immature, their words meant absolutely nothing. I’ve wanted to mention them by name, hilarious now. Can’t believe I ever took them seriously.
I stopped that pattern about one year ago and my life changed! Amazing results!!
Help! I feel like I’m going to have a NC breakdown.. I’ve been NC with the most narcissistic ex AC of all time for 6 months. He just posted public pics of him today of him on vacation with his new 21 year old gf (we are 37!) and she’s a professional cheerleader! I think I’m gonna snap!!
Brea please don’t snap….Of course he has had to go younger, she will be unable to see his narcissism for what it really is and he wil be the biggest AC of all time with her. Hang onto your NC you have done so well so far. Delete those pics or stop looking at them and give yourself a big hug. You are going to be okay. I speak from a similar experience!! I can’t thank Natalie enough for her wonderful, life changing advice…
Thanks Nickyf.. I will try. I know I can do it if I can just get through the next couple days. And I know I’ve got to stop looking at his stuff, it’s just so hard when its out there! When this happened to you, did it go on for awhile (him posting pics)? Who does that anyways? If you know you’ve hurt someone really badly why ever post public relationship pics again? So cruel!
A different perspective that may help you. I didn’t get it until I made this connection and it helped me immensely.
“If you know you’ve hurt someone really badly why ever post public relationship pics again? So cruel!”
If you know it going to hurt YOU really badly by looking at them/contacting him, why ever look at them/contact him again? So cruel to YOU. (and who taught you that you deserve that?)
When you say you’ll try, that tells me you haven’t decided you’re done. When you DECIDE to stop hurting you by looking at those pictures/having anything to do with him, you’ll be done. How much pain does it take before you’re done???
I have to second this comment by Veracity. Unfortunately, his current relationship is his business and he can do whatever he wants with his pictures/social media accounts. Just as you can do whatever you want when you enter a new relationship. Unless he’s directly tagging you in pics of him and his current girlfriend (which would be highly inappropriate), there’s really not much you can do about it. I don’t know about other social media outlets, but Facebook has developed ways of making break-ups less painful online, including letting you manage how much/little you see of an ex’s profile. That might be something that you would want to look into.
I agree w the last two posts. Brea – hard as it is to think about, your ex doesn’t owe you anything at all. He might post because he feels guilt and shame over his relationship breakup with you, and wants everyone to know how hot his new gf is. Or, he like everyone else practically on this planet is a show off on social media. Who knows? I had a feeling my ex might especially right after the breakup put up pics to get into my head. I cut him off social media. I never look him up online. I don’t ask friends for information. This is in your hands.
On the other hand – your feelings are totally natural. Vent to us and your friends. Do not break NC. Do not ask him for answers. Do not pass go!
Thanks guys. I feel like I’m losing my mind this week, but I know I can get through it. So hard, but just one of those stages of a breakup I guess. I still think it’s shitty to post public pics like that, but you’re right he can do what he wants (even if that is act like an asshole). Thanks for your thoughts and words.
(even if that is act like an asshole)
But you already knew he WAS an asshole, right? So why the surprise and disappointment when he acts like one?
That little piece of wisdom took me 21 years to learn…And only after my daughter who said it to me about her own father.
We’ve all been there. You’ll get past it. And once you’re past it, he’ll STILL be an asshole.
Don’t look Brea! Give yourself time, space… Remove yourself from it all, completely. Pretend he does not exist, block the info. It will pay off, I guarantee you. My ex even went so far with his post-break up bragging that he used to visit my Mum “to check how she was” and over coffee tell her about his new partner being sooo fantastic! I did not budge, not a squeak from me. But I was hurting. Now, three years on, I am in a stable relationship, and his is finished, for the same reasons as ours , namely his unavailability, criticisms, verbal abuse (even though he is a hell of an attractive guy and a catch in every sense of the word) and I could not care less! Just love yourself some more, a bit longer, hold out…
Thanks for your comments guys. They mean the world to me and make me feel really supported as I get through this tough week. 2 days out now and I feel a little less crazy. Still NC, so that’s good and already feeling less inclined to break NC.
Your comments are funny Melissa and I hope to get to that stage! I do feel like it is almost impossible for him to have a good relationship because he has such terrible relationship skills: controlling, passive aggressive, temper issues, a HUGE wandering eye (esp for young women). What a catch hey? Well, I don’t want to wish him I’ll but I do secretly hope this crashes and burns like your ex’s. He can probably keep the facade up for sometime. I will continue to work on not looking at his profile and continue moving away from this idiot as I seek my own happiness and good life. Thank you!!
He will come back, Brea, they always do. A year down the line, he will come sniffing. Only you will just laugh, I promise you. If it makes it easier for you, visualise the day when he calls again to check if his free pass is still valid and because other relationships have not worked out. Visualise what kind of woman you will be then, what is it that you will have done in that time. And how far will all that remove you from him. And how you will not reply… haha… that’s how it was with me…he texted me a wistful, soulful even message. And guess what, I did not even reply : No, not interested. I did not say a-ny-thing. And it felt gooood to have the power to ignore him.
Nice work Melissa! I will do that. Keep moving forward. I can’t believe I’m even sad about this considering how he treated me. But I will follow your advice.. Thank you so much for your words!
You are sad for what you accepted as normal. Have a good cry, and hug yourself, be really really good to yourself now. If you want to write to him, write, but really honestly about how he made you feel. All the b…t. Don’t leave anything out. But write it in your journal, not in your email to him. NC!
Block his profile
I need some help with this one.
“I think sometimes, in fact very often when we are in the loop-the-loop of our pattern, we think that the ‘chemistry’ that we experience in our painful relationships is something that we could experience in a less painful one, but that resonance we have, that strong attraction, is largely coming from the chaos and pain of those relationships.”
“Loving relationships have chemistry *and* calm.”
Are these two statements not somewhat in contradiction? At the very least, if the first statement is true, does it not follow that to have a healthy relationship, one needs to accept a lower level or at least completely different definition of “chemistry” than one has been used to having in the past? I think this issue is of critical importance and is in fact precisely where so many of us are getting tripped up. I see loads of comments on here all the time saying that a relationship without attraction or chemistry simply would not work for the commenter, even as everyone is trying to avoid EUMs, but I have the feeling that this is basically just putting oneself back at the percy of EUMs by saying, “a relationship without ‘that feeling’ will not work for me; I am not prepared to compromise on that.” So yeah, I need some help with this one.
I meant putting oneself back at the *mercy* of EUMs.
J,
I wanted to reply to your excellent point because it hits at the heart of my current impasse. I, too, tried a relationship with a nice guy with whom I had no chemistry (as a lady commented above) and felt frustrated that I couldn’t “make” the chemistry happen. But I am so proud of myself for going against my pattern! What I experienced is some healing. Tom was kind, a good listener, and honest, all things I needed to experience after my toxic 5-year N relationship. I wisely realized I had to do things completely differently which meant spending some time with someone who didn’t fit my usual cruel EUM profile (thanks mean papa). But there was NO chemistry. In fact, the man did not know his way around a woman at all and had made some really bad choices about lifestyle and finances, too. A lost soul who never had the confidence to become either solvent or a good lover. We parted with me feeling very frustrated but at least honest and not self-sabotoging.
Ok, now for the caveat: I have been with a recent lover who is a player, who never commits, only wants sex and is very good at it. CHEMISTRY! Geez. So, this article came just in time (as all Nat’s stuff does) and I am struggling to be true to the NEW me, not the old sex-addicted, cruelty-addicted me. I am settling for crumbs. I am risking STDs. I am–in short–not choosing to love-honor-and-respect me. And all the usuals are showing up: the harem worries of “who is he with now.” Am I his favorite? I better sleep with him as often as he wants or he will sleep with Harem member #265. Awful, self-esteem crushing stuff.
So, reluctantly, I am going to have to go back to being true to me because I don’t think we rewire our chemistry unless we do things completely different. I noticed with nice guy Tom that the more emotionally safe I felt, the more chemistry I felt, so I am moving in the right direction. My only real hope is that I will find intimacy as much of a turn on as cruelty. Someday. Thanks to all of you and to Nat.
I think you make a very good point about someone nice with whom there is little chemistry. At least you get out of it with your sanity and self esteem intact. And also don’t create drama in both your lives.
Thanks for responding, Laura. If I can extrapolate on my point a bit, we all spend a lot of time and energy on BR pinpointing the sort of man who is NOT relationship material. While sticking to our guns on NC and avoiding EUMs can be difficult, I think all of us who are regular readers here can probably agree that identifying an EUM is actually not the hardest part of our struggle with healthy relationships. At this point, I think it would be instructive to have a conversation about what IS the hardest part: finding an available partner and, critically, being genuinely satisfied with him for the long term. Can we really expect a man who is 100% available to sweep us off our feet and be fantastic in bed in the way that we are used to expecting from EUMs? Should we expect those things? Are they even important in a long-term relationship or marriage? I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I am beginning to suspect that for those of us who want to get married or have a permanent relationship, the answer to all of our issues lies in learning to accept the sort of man whom we are right now calling “boring” because of his ability to provide a relationship with love, care, trust, and respect, and in learning to value what he has to offer and to see him as being worthy, rather than valuing chemistry and butterflies. Call this “settling” if you like but I believe it is the answer.
I would welcome Nat’s input on this, as well as more posts on this topic.
J
We spend a lot of time identifying those that are not/should not be rship material because the whole dating process, is a process of elimination. You want to write off problem children ASAP before you become attached. Whether a person is EU or can be loving is are not characters that can be sussed out immediately. You take a risk getting involved in order to eventually see what this other person is about. No shortcuts except to spot the really blatant red flags that show up immediately. Hence BR. I define “boring” as someone who doesn’t have much of a life. Stuck in a routine, no sense of wonder/adventure/ desire to expand ones horizons physically and intellectually. The person who lives a generic life, in dull surroundings, goes to work, watches TV after day after day. No involvement with others, their environment, community. Some may like that sort of sameness. Not me who lives a very active, multifaceted life. Since finding out if a potential partner is either an a$$ or a jem takes time, there must be some sort of a spark or physical attraction to make the necessary investment of ones time to figure them out worthwhile.
Hi Noquay,
Thanks for your reply. I am not sure I agree with you tbh. In my experience at least, it is frequently quite clear pretty close to the beginning whether someone is an EUM or a decent emotionally available person who would make a decent partner (at least if I were being honest with myself!). The problem I have faced in my dating coming-of-age, and the problem I see most of the BR commenters facing, is that we are quite simply attracted time and again to EUMs, but the second we encounter an emotionally available man who would treat us right and with whom we could actually have a decent marriage and family, suddenly he watches too much TV, he’s not involved in the community, he has no life. When in reality this is probably true about most of the EUMs too, or at least it would be if they weren’t diddling around in their harem all day, but we are so blinded by “chemistry” that we can’t see it.
I think Elige R.’s response to me below was interesting and may be true to a point. However, I also believe this may just be an area of life which we have been encouraged to deal with by feeling, when it in fact would probably be better dealt with by thinking – that is, choosing a good partner predominantly with our heads and not over-valuing the “spark,” which will not get a couple through any kind of conflict anyway.
Hi, J. Your post interested me because I think it shows why so many of us sabotage finding good relationships…….. because we think unavailable = exciting and available = boring.
I think this post is telling us that, for a lot of us, what we call “chemistry” is really “familiar pain”…but we are so convinced that “chemistry” is this elusive “unknown” that can only be had with that ‘certain someone’. But if we examine the “certain someones” we attach ourselves to, we’d find that the common thread in those “someones” are traits that induce emotional pain in us – unreliability, unavailability, fear of them choosing other people instead of us, fear of thinking they changed their minds about us and we are no longer special, rejection.
Our emotionally damaged psyches are twisted into thinking “chemistry” is the lure, when what is luring us is “wishing they treated us better”. When we are with someone who is actually treating us better, we don’t feel drawn to that. We are more drawn in by “wishing” than “having”.
Perhaps that is why some feel the sex is better, because you are basking in the thrill of being chosen by them that in that particular moment, and every response is heightened. My experience is different – the best sex was with men I was not really drawn to and the worst was with those for whom I felt “chemistry”.
I am convinced that so many people are so bored by their day-to-day existence that they seek excitement by encouraging chaotic relationships. People who have developed outlets that really interest them – bowling or ballroom dancing or science or scrapbooking – whatever floats their boat – I think they are less prone to equating romantic excitement = chaos.
When we really hold ourselves in high esteem, a switch occurs inside, and what will draw us in changes to actually “having” someone who treats us well rather than “wishing” someone would treat us well. I really believe when accepting poor treatment is not even on your radar, you suddenly find the world is full of people you are drawn to who do treat you better because you REALLY orchestrate your own life to live the way you dream.
Inspiring words, Elgie, I really like that last paragraph. I think our instincts and desires eventually catch up with our minds.
I love this post. I have been single for five years now and my list of requirements is exactly the same, and more getting added as time goes on. I’ve been on dating apps (the worst way to meet someone but seems to be the only way these days) and have wasted so much time and energy on idiots. However when someone comes along who is interested in me they come across really full on and this makes me panic and lose interest/think they’re not right for me. There is no happy medium, someone on my wavelength! I wonder if its just me not being used to decent guys and being so against “settling” for someone I don’t feel totally into that I write these people off too soon, or if they just aren’t for me. I’ve been single for so long that I can’t distinguish between the two anymore!
You’re absolutely right M, there is no happy medium in my experience either. Guys will pursue me like crazy only to start ghosting me a few weeks/months later. I just don’t get it!!! I’ve gotten so used to being disappointed or let down over the years, that I’ve become fairly trigger happy when it comes to disposing of fuckboys and arseclowns, in an earnest attempt to avoid having to settle for BS. However, I’m now questioning if I write men off too quickly? If I should be more patient at the start? Or at least leave the door ajar so that there is a chance to resume things in the future? I feel like no matter who I go for, they all turn out to be the same as well.
Yep, I completely hear where you are coming from! I have zero tolerance for BS too. I read an Instagram post once that said “I’m worried I may have already met the man of my dreams but I told him to f**k off” – that is me all over!
I really needed this today… Been on such a downer because of this guy.
For the last 2 weeks I’ve essentially been ghosted by a guy who I didn’t think it would work out with in the long run owing to him being a musician (drummer) and not having the kind of appearance that normally does it for me (dread locs, afro-centric, total hippy vibe) – but he pursued me from the night we met and we had great chemistry, on top of the fact that he made me believe that he “wasn’t going anywhere…” his words, not mine. So, I threw caution to the wind and decided to experiment and try something new…
Fast forward 6 weeks later and we’ve gone from messaging / calling everyday and chilling with each other every weekend, to maybe 1-2 messages a week if I’m lucky. I’m in a complete state of confusion as he gave me no indication at all that this was his modus operandi. When I saw him two weekends ago, he actually took me to a friend’s birthday lunch – which as far as I’m concerned is a sign that things are progressing nicely, but obviously not.
Following this, he told me he had a massive gig to prepare for showcasing his solo material and he was gonna be busy rehearsing and making beats in his “sound lab” etc, so I tried not to let his lack of communication bother me knowing how busy he is/was- but it really does bother me! I mean, how does a guy go from being so attentive and keen, to treating you as though you don’t exist? It’s not as if we had a fight or anything (we’ve never had a disagreement yet) and we parted on good terms last time we met. I get that his music is very important to him and he’s invested a lot of time in his career and has worked with some amazing artists – so I am slightly in awe of him and the fact that he’s living his dreams. I just don’t understand, how he’s become so busy in the last 2 weeks that he can’t even reply to a simple text. I have a load of his clothes and stuff in my flat which he’s left from previous visits, and I don’t know whether to bin it or hold on to it in case he decides to acknowledge my existence again. Sigh. Even if he does, what can I possibly say? “How dare you ignore for me weeks when you already told me you’d be busy working?” Nobody is EVER that busy that they completely cut people off like that… I have my suspicions that he may have replaced me with some groupie, but doesn’t have the heart to tell me seeing as he’s all about peace and tolerance blah, blah, blah.
Sad thing is, we did click really well and I don’t want to have to admit that he’s EUM, but all the signs are pointing to that.
I’ve been dating another guy in the meantime who’s been really consistent, enthusiastic and reliable thus far – but again he’s not what I’d usually go for being that he has 2 kids (same babymama) and we don’t have the same kind of chemistry that drummer boy and I do – but the banter is fun and I do find him attractive.
What the heck am I supposed to do now? I’ve been NC with drummer since last Friday, but I feel like I need to draw a line under it once and for all, but don’t want to in case he comes back with a plausible explanation for being silent for so long (you never know what a person could be going through). I don’t feel any sadness or animosity towards him and can see us being friends in the future, but I can’t live in limbo waiting for him to throw me a bone either. It’s not fair.
What do I do BR family? Continue with NC? Confront him on his silent treatment? Send him an email explaining why I think we’d be better off as friends? Invest my time in the new guy I’ve been seeing? None of the above?
I suck at all of this!!! 🙁
Rachel,
My sister does this really cool thing: she sets a deadline for herself. “If I don’t hear from him by the end of this week then…finito.” I think at the very least you should see this as a dangerous run from intimacy. What happens when you start to need each other and have something beside the honeymoon? I am an artist with a career and I am NEVER too busy to text. That bullshit. IT will hurt to let go of that chemistry I know, but I think you should move on. I dated a drummer for two years and groupie-fears are worth avoiding as a lifestyle. FLUSH.
I think you know – you dated a player. He was hot. Now he’s cold. If you don’t cut it off, you’ll be his girl in this port. Bin his clothes. Tell him he can pick them up in a week or you’re tossing them. Don’t say it in Anger. You don’t have to play scorned woman. You’re ‘meh I need more consistency’ woman.
You’re still hoping for crumbs. So you don’t want to raise the question of his stuff. But what do YOU want? If you want to linger with him, then say nothing and bask in the halo of his drumminess whenever he’s in the mood. Casual makes you unhappy though so you might want to listen to yourself.
Regarding guy that’s not fully beating your bongo – sorry I couldn’t resist. Where is the humor in life? Where is it? These are two men you’ve hardly known for a speck of time. Check yourself. Enjoy. See where the new guy goes. Listen to yourself. You already know. You just don’t want to take responsibility for your actions.
Suki – you are killing me with the percussion puns! And you’re spot on too – nowhere near enough humour in life. I have been laughing throughout this whole perplexing mess because I made a decision a long time ago, not to let another person make me feel that low ever again.
After 2 weeks of sparse contact (even though he texted out of the blue yesterday evening), I think I’m coming to the realisation that I have been well and truly played like a fiddle. Ta dah! Not quite a drum pun, but as close as I could manage haha.
I will take your advice and box up his stuff, but I think for my own sanity, I need to shut the door on this situation and move forward. It’s such a shame though because we had such a good time together (not just sexually, we would talk for hours and had many things in common), and I think I will miss his company more than anything else.
I have come too far in my journey to go back to being a harem member or fallback girl! I think this is why I continued to get to know this other guy (non-sexually) in spite of what I feel for the drummer. I suspect my instincts already knew this was a lost cause, but I needed to know for certain before calling it quits as I have a habit of ending things way too quickly in the past – hence why I called on you guys for some sage advice before burning my bridges.
I’m in such a great place in my life: my career is fulfilling, I’m buying my first apartment (which in London UK is no small feat with the housing crisis and over-inflated prices), my lupus is controlled, I’m learning to drive, and can honestly say I feel content with the way things are shaping up. I’d be foolish to waste any more time on a man who may seem like a great person, but clearly doesn’t have my best interests at heart. And why would he? I guess I served my purpose.
Rachel, you’re not NC with this guy, you are just not in contact with him because he has placed you on the low maintenance list. He set you up for the fall with his “I’m not going anywhere” line. You are sitting on pins and needles waiting for him to show you ‘he’s not going anywhere’. He can take as long as he wants to show up, because ANY time he shows up you’ll give him brownie points for proving he “isn’t going anywhere”.
He collects women and yes, you are one among many. It does not make you happy, but you are trying to convince yourself that what he is giving is enough, because you have him on the “man of your dreams” pedestal.
Your gut is telling you he is not offering anything more than friendly booty calls with occasional outings, but you are doing your darndest to frame it as a full-fledged relationship by convincing yourself that all it needs is your understanding of why he is unable to meet any of your needs at this moment…you keep promising yourself that any moment now he will try to meet your needs if you are just patient.
You are spending lots of hope on this guy. Too expensive a price.
I wouldn’t bin his things, but I’d box them up and put them out of sight, and I would only allow him to get them on my terms – no late night or mid-afternoon potential sex visits. Unless that is what you want…but I don’t think that is what you want. Sex won’t change things.
Chalk this up to life experience. I wish more people would accept that romantic disappointments are just a part of life…that we need to learn what we can from them, move on, and sharpen our skill at choosing viable partners.
Thanks for the stern advice Elgie R.!
I do feel your slightly over dramatizing my involvement/feelings for him as I was never that invested in the dude in the first place (he genuinely isn’t what I’d normally go for, which was something that has lingered in the back of my mind since the beginning), but I was starting to warm to the idea that maybe something more could develop given time, but that is clearly a pipe dream.
Yes, I shall chalk this one up to experience as I have with ALL the others. Sadly, this isn’t my first rodeo, but I feel better equipped to deal with the disappointments as I’m getting older.
Rachel, he is not into you. I am an EU female and I know that if I want someone, I am scared to loose him if I disappear, so I am there, calling, responding… I do not disappear on somebody who excites me. But when I have tried him out, made sure he wants me I disappear because I have lost interest. I disappear because it does not excite me anymore but I can’t be bothered to explain myself to him, I leave the door open for when I need my fix. If I lose him, fine, because I have stopped caring. If he still pursues me, I play him some more, to get my fix. That’s what he is doing to you, so leave him, go NC. He is not scared of losing you. He does not care. He might even get irritated by you and your readiness to be with him no matter what. He might devalue you, he might be in disbelief as to why you are still there and then pushing it with you to see where your boundaries are. He does not care and is looking for something new. Take it from an EU. I am here on BR because I am fed up with being EU. I cannot love, I can only worship and adore, or mess with someone’s emotions once I am sure he cares for me. Your ghost dreadlock guy is like that. Break off the other relationship until you know how to accept what you feel. Know and love yourself first.
Thank you so much for being real with me Melissa. You ladies have no idea how much I value your words and the experiences you share.
I’ve had my suspicions for a while that he’s either bored with me or found someone new to play with. This isn’t the first time it’s happened to me, and I doubt it’ll be the last in spite of my efforts to mitigate this.
I have just this minute sent him a final message outlining the fact that I’m aware he’s been distant lately and would’ve preferred him to be straight with me if indeed he’s no longer interested. I also told him it’s been fun (which it was), but I’m not feeling the hot and cold treatment, so it’s time to call it a day. (I did say I’d keep his stuff safe and would be happy to arrange pick up if he wants them back). I finished with a best of luck with your career etc, and “no hard feelings” – which I was almost howling with laughter when I wrote it owing to the amount of times it has been said to me over the years. As usual of late, he has received and read the message (curses to you WhatsApp), but I’m not holding my breath for any kind of reply. I’ve deleted the thread, deleted the number, deleted the pictures and can honestly say I fee
l relieved now. If we had any kind of solid relationship to start with, this would’ve been quite difficult for me as I can get attached to people easily, but all I feel right now is overwhelming relief tinged with a bit of disappointment.
I can live with that! 🙂
Rachel, it will be the last time this happens to you. It is in your power to change things..Keep reading BR, it will help. Keep asking advice, keep thinking. Please, please, think of your letter to him as final. YOU broke it off. There is no need for reply from him. Be pleased with your letter, you have said your bit, and it was civilised. Don’t wait for reply, for anything from him, the world is waiting for you. Start the rest of your life now. If it helps you, think of him as coming back in 2 years time. But you have all the freedom in the world to do whatever you want in those 2 years. Just do not contact him.
Oh, and make sure you leave his things for him to collect somewhere. DO NOT be there when he comes. Do not make yourself available for any talk. You are a busy woman now!
wow this is timely! Ugh what I find hard is to draw the line if they start messing up…I always think ah give them another shot, it’ll take them a while to get to know you and THEN they’ll step up.
I recently went on 2 dates with a 25 year old (im 33) that I met and he seemed really mature etc but hasn’t been in regular contact over the past few days and then came back and apologised for the lack of contact but gave no reason and is making no plans (as yet anyway) to meet up again. I refuse to persue…ideally I want a man to be able to arrange a date. The problem is now I keep checking my phone and wondering…it doesn’t help that all my friends are in a relationships, getting engaged, married, having babies etc because it’s making me feel panicky…like I have a giant clock hanging over my head and that Im never going to meet anyone.
I cant believe Im posting this! but I needed a release today…this phone-watching feels horrible:(
But if he does call now what will you do? What do YOU want? Do you want this no texter tepid guy that does not really seem to be into you?
I feel your pain Irish girl! I’m 32 and surrounded by newlyweds and baby boomers – which gives me serious anxiety most days, but I try to remind myself that my journey is different to theirs, and you don’t know what’s coming around the bend, so we need to continue to work on ourselves in the meantime.
I’d have to agree with Suki on this one… Much like the drummer I just flushed out of my system, he doesn’t appear to be too keen. If his communication with you is already shite, it’ll only get worse, not better (trust me, I had to learn this myself recently).
Be brave, be bold and get rid of him before you get too attached. He’s already having an impact on your mental state (obsessive phone watching), not to mention the anxiety you must be feeling on a daily basis. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. So, do yourself a favour and FLUSH.
You’ll feel so much better once you do.
Aw thank you so much Rachel!!
Yea it can definately be hard! I do my best to turn towards faith and my ideal is to be looser, less attached and freer in this area but like any obsession it can be stubborn!! I am better than I was and at least I know theoretically anyway that I deserve better.
I just read your last few comments above and for what it’s worth I think you’re doing great!! I also echo the statement “curse you whats app” haha…always a good idea to delete the thread 🙂
Today I realized just how long I had settled in my pattern. I randomly came across some pictures of the new baby of a guy I went to high school with. He had a huge crush on me in high school but I constantly rejected him and basically emotionally bolted from him cos I found him too nice and boring. I found him “boring” despite the fact that I mentally acknowleged he was tall, athletic, handsome, smart , fun and funny and kind er…. what excitement was I looking for exactly? I remember I had a crush on one of the playa dudes in our class at the time who was not as good looking at all and definitely had a selfish streak. I can’t believe I remembered feeling this pattern of being attracted to unhealthy people even at the young age of 15! NO wonder it’s taken me so long to stop it.
This nice guy has grown up to be well, a nice man and is still the same fun, kind principled person he has always been since childhood and I am glad I didn’t die before I could feel something for the healthy guys out here. I am also so glad that he grew out of having crushes and falling for girls who didn’t know what they want and didn’t even like themselves , his wife is also a person of equal kindness and moral fiber. Their beautiful baby is really lucky to be raised by such people. I hope the world keeps her loving herself, even those who have been lucky in the parent dept. haven’t always had their self esteem survive life.
I’m just so happy for all of us , that we’ve all grown , even if it took some of us ( aka me) a LOT longer to do it and I keep growing, undoing more than 20 years of living without my own love.
p.s. the selfish high school playa guy I ended up being just friends with through high school after my crush ended ( we never dated) and we are still very good friends today 15 years later …surprise surprise he grew up to be a HUGE EUM with a trail of unavailable relationships as long as mine, haha. He too , I am glad to report has made the choice to wake up and started to grow up too in recent years and our very long friendship had lasted through our parallel transitions from unhealthy to closer to fully healthy every year.
Yep know what thats like i was talking to 4 guys couple weeks ago now none!! Lol they seem really into you then they just vanish!! I refuse to chase after them so won’t text them, had 3 dates with a guy i slept with him and when i think bout it did’nt fancy him much think.i was to attractive for him, he said i text you that was over 2 weeks ago nothing at all since, i haven’t text him and won’t, makes you think what do guys want? Im talking of men in 50’s too. Feel like giving up but saying that it is on line dating not the best!!
Rachel, please know that there is no reasonable explanation for him not texting you for two weeks- even when he said he would be busy- no one is so busy that they can not reply to a text. It is very disrespectful to leave a person hanging like that and not at all the peace and love vibe he projects. Does a loving person let a person wonder for two weeks? no.
Brea, please block him from your social media accounts so that you can not see the pictures. You are torturing yourself. It’s the same as being on a diet and looking at pictures of food all day- it is counter productive.
I don’t know much,but I know AC behavior when I see it. I know to stop dating someone as soon as I see it. I know to give a chance to guys I normally wouldn’t just to see and if it’s not working, then end it even if they are nice. I believe that it is possible to have chemistry with a good guy in a calm relationship. I just need to become an emotionally available person who can be authentic in a relationship. Then it will show up. I’m slowly getting there.
and even if I’m single the rest of my life, I’m much happier than being in a insecure, devaluing relationship.
Monica,
This is some of the best advice I have ever heard on here. To leave someone hanging via communication just because, is so sorry. Just poor behavior. If the person cares about you at all, they will be worried. And that worry is totally preventable via replying. And, as you said, NOBODY IS TOO BUSY TO REPLY TO A TEXT. I 100% agree.
You will never get everything you want in a man or woman period! We all settle a little bit because if we are honest there is nobody who would meet ALL our criteria when it comes to dating. Even as attractive as the ex-eum was his behavior was so terrible the physical chemistry was gone. The key is finding someone who makes you feel good about yourself and brings out the best in you. Don’t date someone you are not attracted too, that’s just silly. But be realistic about love and know that it is not a Hollywood movie.
Thank you for this article. I really enjoy your perspective on things!
Ooh I needed this article!
I’m wondering if any of you can help? I’ve previously gone for EUM/AC for years and committed to them. After the last one i met a nice man and we had great chemistry. However long term AC kept telling me we’d get back together….I listened to this BS and imagined it for 8 more years whilst seeing other men but never committing for fear that I should be with him and one day it would happen. During this time I met many nice men and I loved feeling secure with them but somehow found them liking me as “weak and dull”. However, once the nice one realises I’m EU they leave me and then I desperately chase themes gr them back…only to not commit once I’ve got them. I know, I know I’m awful. ive managed to get myself out of AC attraction. I thought I was doing really well until I started doing the same pattern with the nice men. So meeting a new nice one…then panicking and wanting to go back to the old nice ONES yes not one..multiple! I know AC is wrong and I’d never date anyone like that again, I’ve decided I am a much better/happier person with someone who is nice and emotionally available. I am aware I’ve got mega commitment issues but I’m terrified of picking the wrong person. I cannot stop doing this pattern of being between multiple men. I do this sort of present commitment with them. I’m fully aware that I’m constantly causing collateral and hurting other people and I hate that I do it. The men involved are fully aware that I am doing this. I’ve explained my patterns and that I want to stop I just don’t know why I can’t meet someone, think they are amazing and that’s it I’m done instead of panicking and thinking I should be with an old one and I’ve missed out HELP!!
Sorry I meant “pretend commitment” ! I should also mention that I’m 36 and the clock is ticking. I’m in mega panic mode, I feel that if I chose one and it didn’t work out I’d made a huge mistake and should’ve been with the other one. I guess I’m looking for certainty… Which isn’t possible! In these pretend relationships I have I either formally commit in person but not in my head as I’m still wondering if the ex or someone else is a better option or I don’t properly commit I just date them so I still have the option of them or possibly to stop me from committing at all to anyone..god knows..one I slept with on and off for 3 years but it was still an emotional relationship. I know..it’s all a massive shambles! I don’t know anyone else who does this crap! But the truth is I desperately want to be able to commit I just panic that the person isn’t right. My dad is very controlling and my mum puts up with his anger and complete disrespect. His love is very conditional with everyone and so I’ve always been used to the drama.we still as adults are not allowed to make mistakes. He still likes to make choices/decisions for us and if we don’t do what he wants there are dire consequences even in our 30s!! My mum will always tell me the opposite to what I say but then contradict. She is always looking for certainty but isn’t happy whatever the outcome. If I say I think I should be with man number 1 she will say ooh but what about number 2. Then if I get with number 2 she’ll say I’m stupid as I should have been with number 1, why did I do that? !! Very confusing for me. Ultimately I don’t know my own mind as that’s how they’ve been with me my whole life. I am terrified of doing the wrong thing. I’ve always been terrified of having their relationship. My mum has always confessed multiple times that she wished she’d been with her ex and should have chosen him instead of my dad 45 years ago, yet continues to stay in a completely dysfunctional relationship. I now don’t speak to her about anything romantic as it makes it even more confusing much to her dismay at wanting to be involved.
I know this is all long but I thought it might help. I know the pattern is somehow coming from my childhood. Thanks for your patience and reading.
Nat,
Your old list for what you thought you wanted from a man sounds like an ongoing migraine. Is it not sad to not frequently hear, “I’d like to be in a fruitful, loving partnership with a thoughtful, honest man with whom I can have fun and intimacy with, as well as effectively overcome the conflict and obstacles that inevitably arise in human interactions at some point.” I hear things like, “Tall dark and handsome, blah blah, make me laugh, blah blah blah, steady job, blah blah, taller than me (wtf?!? who cares), big and strong, blah blah blah, drives a jeep, elegant and pretty, blah, blah blah. Sad.
The most chemistry I’ve ever felt with anyone in my life was a Mr. Unavailable except, I didn’t know he was unavailable when I started feeling this way. When I found out, I was absolutely crushed & immediately tried to cut off contact but he wouldn’t let me go. I found myself going through this endless cycle of pain, sadness, grief, & anger every time I saw him. It has been a year now & the last time I “bumped” into him was last week. I have taken additional measures since then to make sure we don’t “bump” into each other anymore but this has been going on so long that I’ve simply come to wonder how long it’ll be before he finds me again & we “happen” to bump into each other once again.