Last week, in part one, I explained about how placing too much faith in another person without their being solid foundations and indicators to justify it and seeing too much potential not only has us holding onto an illusion that prevents us from seeing and accepting the reality, but it can also end up being a disrespect to the other person.
Part of this problem of not seeing the reality of our relationships is that we get caught up in chasing a feeling, and trying to extract things from other people that are missing in ourselves.
We want people to have faith in us and see our potential and so we have faith and see potential in them in the hope that they will reciprocate.
We also refuse to let go of the illusion which is an example of what can be our own passive aggressive manoeuvre.
You don’t like the fact that things are not what they used to be or haven’t met the perception and expectations of what you think they could be.
Rather than accept the ‘new’ reality and reassess your position, you stand firm in your position and insist that they come around to your way of thinking because you like things in the way that they either used to be (even if it wasn’t even that great), or your vision of things appears to you to be the ‘right’ thing, even if the other person is resisting.
We project our rationality on things and scratch our heads in wonder.
We think that if we were messed up that we would want someone to be able to show us how messed up we are and help us.
We think that if we were messed up that we would want someone to believe in our ability to be better than we are.
We think that surely if someone is behaving like an asshole, they have to realise it at some point, feel remorse and strive to be a better person, in a better relationship…ideally with us.
Even if they are not an assclown, we can be inclined to take the intensity of our own feelings, project it onto them, and get so caught up in it that we believe that because we feel how we do, they should reciprocate and want things as much as you do.
As I’ve said before, you loving someone (or thinking you do) doesn’t create an instant IOU.
Even if they have claimed to feel the same way that you do, this can change. We have to be careful of thinking that people we’re in relationships with should think, feel, and act in the way that we think, feel, and act.
Their reality is different from yours.
In reality, if you habitually are involved with Mr Unavailables and assclowns, they have their own issues with reality to deal with so it’s a bit like a clash of the great illusions.
In their world, their behaviour is fine and even if it’s not, they’re OK with it, and even if they’re not OK with it, they have no real, burning desire to change, because they don’t do matching actions with words.
From the moment that you are willing to accept their poor behaviour, they interpret a signal that says that you can’t think too highly of yourself if you have so much faith in them.
It may feel like you’re two star crossed lovers, but these guys have danced this dance before. They don’t arrive in your life with no previous relationship history so they actually know what they are and aren’t prepared to do…even if they won’t admit or be direct about it with you.
Often you can be one in a long line of people who have placed their faith on them because you don’t want to accept the reality .
Irrespective of their behaviour, you still need to remember that by refusing to accept the reality and projecting your own version of things on them, you’re being disrespectful.
You wouldn’t like it if you were with someone who was always seeing anything other than the you that’s in front of them. It feels like being around the perpetually dissatisfied.
Respecting the reality of someone gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate whether what’s on offer is what you still want.
If you take it, you are accepting the revised offer and you then have to adapt and work with what you have. If you decline and they’ve already made their position clear, you’d need to cut your losses instead of continuing to throw more emotion into a bad relationship investment.
If you’re going to have faith in someone, make it evidence based. It needs to be based on the consistency of their actions and if they change their behaviour, you have to adjust your field of vision and ask yourself if what you think about the person and the relationship still stands.
The conditions have changed. When they were one way, you were operating under a different set of conditions. Now that they are a different way, you have new conditions to deal with and there is no point in pretending that they don’t exist and saying ‘This doesn’t suit me’.
There’s nothing that says that how you liked things in the past or what you see in them in the future is the right thing for them. It’s what feels like the ‘right’ or comfortable thing for you but that doesn’t make it right.
Remember that when we are habitually involved with Mr Unavailables and assclowns, we’re often comfortable with behaviour that we should be uncomfortable with.
Take the focus off them and bring it back to you and start trusting yourself and having faith that there is life beyond men who don’t want to be actually be in a decent relationship with us that has love, trust, care, and respect in it.
If they don’t have faith and see potential in you, and you don’t see faith and potential in you independently of them, you have nothing. You’re not nothing – you’re a valuable entity in your own right but start you have got to start believing this and behaving like it.