It’s no secret here on Baggage Reclaim that I used to have a penchant for assclowns and Mr Unavailables and I know that part of the problem was that I used to get carried a way on a sea of excitement, curiosity, and professed attraction and chemistry. As I discussed over several posts a few weeks back, compatibility, ‘type’ and ‘common’ interests is what keeps us chasing the same ‘ole relationship patterns with same guys different packages.
We let our ideas about compatibility, type, and the so-called ‘common interests‘ we share with these guys blind us to the reality because we use the excitement, passion, hopes, dreams, curiosity, desperation and the whole kit and caboodle to blow life into the chemistry and attraction and create an illusion that we hold fast to.
We’d actually make more progress and opt out sooner if we came down to earth, parked what we think we feel, and then sanity checked it with the reality to see if the two things match up.
Instead, the illusion and the fantasy outpace the reality till we get a nasty jolt that suddenly highlights the fact that we have become too far distanced.
The struggle then ensues because it’s like we don’t want to connect with the reality so we keep trying to push the illusion, only now that we are aware that there is a reality that’s different to what we imagined things to be and that it doesn’t sit too great with our feelings, the reality starts to gather pace and catch up with us.
We don’t want to accept the reality because we want to hold onto the feeling and continue with the fantasy because if we don’t, we have to do something.
This is how we end up holding onto assclowns and Mr Unavailables. We deny the reality and claim that we feel a strong chemistry and an ‘undeniable’ attraction that we don’t think we’ll find anywhere else.
Truth is, if you have unhealthy relationship patterns, a history of being attracted to Mr Unavailables and assclowns, then the reality is that you feel chemistry and attraction with people who are reflective of some negative things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships.
People who don’t have you best interests at heart and who don’t have both feet in the relationship, plus who struggle to treat you with love, care, trust and respect, are those you feel chemistry with. That’s a problem.
If you have been involved with Mr Unavailables and assclowns, then you’ll know that fear has a big part to play, and in being involved with these types, you end up realising your fears, not avoiding them, so you feel chemistry and attraction to people that represent your fears.
What you also need to consider is that people can see when you see more in them than actually exists and are dining off an illusion.
Not only will they end drawing their own, likely unfavourable conclusions about you, but for some, your penchant for being caught up in the illusion represents an opportunity for them to take advantage of you.
And what about when they say stuff like:
I’m not the man you think I am.
I don’t want you to get carried away here because I know I’m going to disappoint you.
You’ve got the wrong guy.
I keep telling you I can’t do this.
You’re expecting too much from me.
This is why it’s important to believe you’re worthy and start liking and loving yourself, otherwise you’ll be looking up to guys and blowing smoke up their arses when they don’t deserve it.
All this reality avoidance is like taking your feeings and ideas and projecting them on to a different guy each time, so it’s not even like you’re seeing them anymore.
I don’t want to kill off the excitement and passion, but until you address why you pursue and are attracted to certain types of partner, you will continue to overestimate the chemistry and attraction that you feel for these men, because you don’t get real which also means you don’t see them, the red flags, and the potential crossing of boundaries.
At the end of the day, you need someone of substance and character. You need more than ‘feelings’ because if all you needed was ‘attraction’ and ‘chemistry’ to carry you into a committed relationship with the potential to last, we’d all be living happily ever after… with assclowns and Mr Unavailables.
Some people are drawn to the heat and ‘beauty’ of the flames in the fire and they put their hand in and discover that it burns. Do they pull their hand away and learn to be attracted to less dangerous things or do they put their hand back in and say, Eff it! It hurts but I can’t help my attraction to it?