Over the next couple of episodes of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I’m delving into a topic that sparks discomfort in a lot of us: talking about our feelings. Expressing ours, not just to others, but also to ourselves, is crucial to our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing as well as to the health and wealth of our interpersonal relationships. So, why then, do so many of us have a pattern of not expressing our feelings? And what causes us not to say something even when we might want to? I dive into these, and more.
Why don’t we talk about our feelings? Reasons include…
Growing up in an environment where no one talked about them. We deduced something from the absence of expression of feelings whether it was verbally or physical demonstration.
Growing up in an environment where there were extremes to how feelings were expressed. E.g. Dynasty-levels of drama, growing up in chaos and needing to protect ourselves, unawareness of a family member’s mental health issues and the impact on their moods.
Learning to depriorioritise or outright ignore our feelings and needs. We might do this due to having a ‘one-better’ family member who always tried to outdo our experience. It could be because we were trying to ‘help out’ due to demands on a parent or them being incapacitated.
Negative messages about feelings. E.g. Being called “needy”, “too sensitive”, “weak”, “dramatic” and “girlie”. We may have been told to “Buck up!”, “Get a grip!” and “You talk too much!” There are also negative connotations and secrecy about mental health.
Family codes. E.g. “Sopranos don’t….” “
Keeping secrets.
Being encouraged to “look on the bright side” to the point where we learned to bypass our feelings.
Fear of worrying or burdening loved ones.
Being told what our feelings were.
Perceived negative consequences for previous expression of our feelings. E.g. feeling penalised, silent treatment, ridicule, being abandoned.
Someone weaponised their feelings.
Not wanting to hurt feelings and feeling guilty for feeling how we do.
Given that most of us were not actively taught and shown how to identify, manage and express our feelings, it’s no surprise that so many of us struggle to in adulthood.
Some of the reasons we decide not to say anything include:
Fearing hurting people’s feelings.
Being afraid of opening Pandora’s box. We might fear what will come out, or be scared that we won’t stop once we open our mouth, or be afraid of what saying something will mean about what we need to do next.
Bad timing. Sometimes we’re not in a position to deal with something there and then. And… we forget about it due to, for instance, becoming consumed by something else in our day. But the feelings are still there.
Denying, rationalising and minimising. We hope it’s our imagination because we’re afraid of what the truth means.
Delaying, postponing and stalling. We’re trying to find the ‘right’ moment or waiting to feel brave enough.
Trying to earn the credits to express ourselves. E.g. We put up with crappy treatment so that we eventually feel as if we can give ourselves permission to say how we feel without conflict or criticism.
Fearing looking manipulative, aggressive, rage-y.
Worrying about being a Debbie Downer.
Dropping hints. Hoping others will figure out what we feel without us saying it.
If we are uncomfortable with feeling, recognising and expressing our feelings, we also have a level of discomfort with others doing it too.
We can’t feel what we don’t articulate, and we can’t articulate what we don’t feel.
Feelings aren’t facts. They’re notifications about our inner state and what might be going on externally. The meanings we attribute aren’t always accurate.
It’s OK for people to be uncomfortable. Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is, yes it is!
Our feelings don’t say anything about us. They don’t define who we are.
Focusing on anger without examining what it represents leads to rumination and obsessing.
If we are still angry, it’s because we haven’t got to the bottom of what’s bothering us.
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I can relate to so much of this. My Mum is completely closed off, and my Dad was always just angry and could explode at you at any moment. It was quite anxiety inducing as a child, and I learned that I had to deal with everything by myself. I realise now that’s a lot for anyone, especially a child. Even non-emotional things, but just what class I’m taking at school, etc. – it was all on me to sort out.
I’ve also had friendships end when I’ve tried to share my feelings – this has often been after someone has treated me poorly enough more than once that I finally say something, and then the friend gets angry at me….so I have the sense that sharing feelings will lead to a big fight and possibly the friendship ending.
I’ve tried as an adult talking to my Mum a few times. Nothing huge, but things like “I’m sorry if I upset you” (this was by email and she didn’t respond, then pretended like she hadn’t seen it), or “I was upset that you didn’t acknowledge this accomplishment in my life” – ignored, then apparently cried to my sibling about it afterwards, saying that I was mad at her. I guess since she doesn’t speak up ever, for someone to talk to her about something feels like it must be a HUGE issue?
It’s funny, one memory I have is of Gilmore Girls being on, and my Mum lamenting to me that we don’t share everything like the characters do. Umm, how would that work exactly?
Any tips for getting more in touch with my feelings, and convincing myself that maybe the world won’t actually end if I share my feelings?
NATALIE
on 11/10/2019 at 12:02 pm
Hi Isla, thanks so much for your comment. I feel like I almost need to do a separate episode on how to deal with those situations where you try to talk to, for example, a parent. Having been in a similar situation, I’ve learned to own my feelings, to express them, but I don’t have the expectation that they can meet me where I’m at. I don’t go looking for explanations — and then occasionally, they arrive unexpectedly. It’s funny how consistently feeling your feelings and being honest about what bothers us now without expecting them to be or do anything per se, drips into the relationship. Then you get occasional glimmers of honesty. Check out episode 155, and also this post: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/48-ideas-for-increasing-emotional-availability-breaking-harmful-relationship-patterns/
HappyAgain
on 09/10/2019 at 4:55 am
In my experiences there has been a number of time when i shared my feelings in relationships i lost those relationships. I learned over time that spoke volumes about the relationships (family and friends) but it still hurt.
The last couple of years ive gone through alot of very hard times and have been really challenged. Several people i reached out to disappeared or stepped waaaay back. Im a person who has had to handle so much on my own and it really disappointed me when i really truly needed people it was inconvenient for some and they didnt want to hear it. I am thankful for the couple who were there.
I struggle with sharing things sometimes because in my experiences as child to adult yes there can be a body count when you express your needs or feelings. I guess it is better to know because though it may hurt or disappoint you it also will show you who will and they are appreciated.
NATALIE
on 11/10/2019 at 12:08 pm
“I learned over time that spoke volumes about the relationships (family and friends) but it still hurt.”
That’s a truth right there.
And what it speaks volumes about is where they’re at with their feelings including how open they are to conflict and criticism. It does hurt when loved ones can’t meet us where we’re at, but part of it is about our expectations. Having been in similar situations, I don’t regret attempting to express myself. What I do acknowledge is where my hurt came from: the expectation that they would make me the exception and reward me as a demonstration of their love, and the story I told me about why they did what they did. Case in point: speaking up in the month before my wedding, getting married, and then not speaking with my father and my extended family for four years. I felt brutally punished by their silence — and yet, I am OK, I worked through what happened, I had a relationship with my father before he died, and have a good relationship with my extended family that I couldn’t have had *without* that honesty. And I also know that my honesty wasn’t ‘perfect’, nor did it need to be, but that honesty and what happened was needed.
Do things go well when I express my needs and feelings to my family? Um, no. Not 100% of the time, but a lot of the time, but I still do it anyway when I need to. Or, at the very least, I’m honest with *myself* so that I don’t collude in any illusions.
It’s no reflection on you that these people aren’t where you’re at. It really isn’t. They are grappling with their own stuff.
HappyAgain
on 11/10/2019 at 8:30 pm
Thank you for your reply Natalie.
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Another great one, Natalie.
I can relate to so much of this. My Mum is completely closed off, and my Dad was always just angry and could explode at you at any moment. It was quite anxiety inducing as a child, and I learned that I had to deal with everything by myself. I realise now that’s a lot for anyone, especially a child. Even non-emotional things, but just what class I’m taking at school, etc. – it was all on me to sort out.
I’ve also had friendships end when I’ve tried to share my feelings – this has often been after someone has treated me poorly enough more than once that I finally say something, and then the friend gets angry at me….so I have the sense that sharing feelings will lead to a big fight and possibly the friendship ending.
I’ve tried as an adult talking to my Mum a few times. Nothing huge, but things like “I’m sorry if I upset you” (this was by email and she didn’t respond, then pretended like she hadn’t seen it), or “I was upset that you didn’t acknowledge this accomplishment in my life” – ignored, then apparently cried to my sibling about it afterwards, saying that I was mad at her. I guess since she doesn’t speak up ever, for someone to talk to her about something feels like it must be a HUGE issue?
It’s funny, one memory I have is of Gilmore Girls being on, and my Mum lamenting to me that we don’t share everything like the characters do. Umm, how would that work exactly?
Any tips for getting more in touch with my feelings, and convincing myself that maybe the world won’t actually end if I share my feelings?
Hi Isla, thanks so much for your comment. I feel like I almost need to do a separate episode on how to deal with those situations where you try to talk to, for example, a parent. Having been in a similar situation, I’ve learned to own my feelings, to express them, but I don’t have the expectation that they can meet me where I’m at. I don’t go looking for explanations — and then occasionally, they arrive unexpectedly. It’s funny how consistently feeling your feelings and being honest about what bothers us now without expecting them to be or do anything per se, drips into the relationship. Then you get occasional glimmers of honesty. Check out episode 155, and also this post: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/48-ideas-for-increasing-emotional-availability-breaking-harmful-relationship-patterns/
In my experiences there has been a number of time when i shared my feelings in relationships i lost those relationships. I learned over time that spoke volumes about the relationships (family and friends) but it still hurt.
The last couple of years ive gone through alot of very hard times and have been really challenged. Several people i reached out to disappeared or stepped waaaay back. Im a person who has had to handle so much on my own and it really disappointed me when i really truly needed people it was inconvenient for some and they didnt want to hear it. I am thankful for the couple who were there.
I struggle with sharing things sometimes because in my experiences as child to adult yes there can be a body count when you express your needs or feelings. I guess it is better to know because though it may hurt or disappoint you it also will show you who will and they are appreciated.
“I learned over time that spoke volumes about the relationships (family and friends) but it still hurt.”
That’s a truth right there.
And what it speaks volumes about is where they’re at with their feelings including how open they are to conflict and criticism. It does hurt when loved ones can’t meet us where we’re at, but part of it is about our expectations. Having been in similar situations, I don’t regret attempting to express myself. What I do acknowledge is where my hurt came from: the expectation that they would make me the exception and reward me as a demonstration of their love, and the story I told me about why they did what they did. Case in point: speaking up in the month before my wedding, getting married, and then not speaking with my father and my extended family for four years. I felt brutally punished by their silence — and yet, I am OK, I worked through what happened, I had a relationship with my father before he died, and have a good relationship with my extended family that I couldn’t have had *without* that honesty. And I also know that my honesty wasn’t ‘perfect’, nor did it need to be, but that honesty and what happened was needed.
Do things go well when I express my needs and feelings to my family? Um, no. Not 100% of the time, but a lot of the time, but I still do it anyway when I need to. Or, at the very least, I’m honest with *myself* so that I don’t collude in any illusions.
It’s no reflection on you that these people aren’t where you’re at. It really isn’t. They are grappling with their own stuff.
Thank you for your reply Natalie.