My frustrations caused me to frequently ponder if I had a homing device implanted that was sending out signals to emotionally unavailable men, typically ones with mother issues, but what I never really asked myself was: If I believe all of this stuff about myself, love and relationships, how is this playing out in my life? I never gave any deep thought to the connection between what I’d observed and learned early in life and how I was thinking, acting and choosing in the present.
Calling out a Mr Unavailable on his ambivalence gave me a lightbulb moment that sparked a powerful awakening:
I was and am the common denominator to all of my experiences. I am the only person who shows up to every scene and act plus each and every one of these relationships reflect how I felt about me at the time and also what I thought relationships were about. If I truly wanted to feel better and enjoy healthier relationships, I had to be honest with myself in a straight no chaser way. I had to take responsibility for me otherwise, what hope did I have if my life was going to rest on external factors? If I keep putting it on everything and everyone else to change, I am never going to account for my part no matter how small.
Sure, these guys had their issues but what was I bringing to the table that I might actually think that an unavailable relationship was a viable option?
You see— one of the things I’ve noticed is that our past provides a great deal of insight into why we’re repeatedly finding ourselves in variations of the same situation, and because of the lessons and beliefs that we’ve inferred from certain experiences, we are making choices based around those beliefs.
We say that we want certain things but the result is very different. What we don’t always acknowledge are the thoughts and actions that occur between these.
Recently I chatted with a woman who becomes very panicked by going on a date or few. Baffled as to why she found dating so distressing, while she knew that her angst originated from her parents having met and married quickly and then had quite a tumultuous relationship punctuated by his absences, she couldn’t put her finger on her bolting. I pointed out that comparatively speaking, in a matter of a few dates, her parents were already on the way to nailing down an engagement.
Her conscious belief is that she wants to be in a relationship, hence why she dabbles in online dating periodically, but her subconscious belief (and irrational fear), is that things can happen too quickly and she’ll be forced into something that she’ll regret for a lifetime and that she cannot escape out of, plus relationships hurt, men let you down, she’s “not good enough” and the list goes on. The net result is that she is not in a relationship and when she attempts to date, the fears and beliefs overwhelm her because she is carrying around all of this hurt. As we talked, she was experiencing a major lightbulb moment.
My conscious belief was that I wanted to be loved and in a relationship.
My subconscious beliefs were extensive and included believing that no one would love or want me, that love hurts, and that I f-ck things up. I was convinced that I turned emotionally available men unavailable. Net result is that I engaged with men and in situations that reaffirmed these beliefs, specifically unavailable relationships where I never really had to truly risk myself and that inevitably caused me to be in pain (my comfort zone). ‘Available’ wasn’t an option for me and I also settled for less because, well, why would somebody who has everything going for them want to go out with someone like me? Also, note that I wanted to be loved – my relationships were about ‘getting’ a feeling that would allow me to feel a certain way where I might like myself. I figured if I had little or no boundaries then I would be loved (and they’d have no reason to choose someone else over me), clearly forgetting that no boundaries also meant the erosion of my self-esteem. Then I’d go out there, put myself in yet another intolerable situation and stick a label on it and call it a relationship. Surely their love should be compensation for all of the pain I put myself though, was my thinking.
This is where we have to call in our own bullsh-t.
If there’s a gap between what we say we want, and what we’re doing and what’s happening, it’s better to name our BS so that we can face down whatever it is that’s haunting and breaking us through our unconscious habits, than it is to deny it and keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, just so that we don’t have to admit that we’re off-base and believing something that is partly or even wholly untrue.
I’ve spoken to so many people who are in the sh-ttiest of relationships because of lessons they observed or taught themselves in their childhood. Mommy or daddy is miserable / difficult to please / absent / having lots of issues with the other parent becomes, “I’m not good enough to make them feel or behave differently” becomes “I must try my best to not make noise, to be good, to show that I’m worthy with romantic partners”, becomes us being a sitting duck in a relationship that sucks the soul out of us all while we hope for validation.
We say we want love but then have underlying beliefs that relationships are unsafe, that we’re going to wind up just like our parents (whose relationship scared the beejaysus out of us), that if we were to experience hurt or disappointment, that we wouldn’t be able to cope, so next thing you know, we’re in an unavailable relationship where we can continue to tell ourselves the same story and feel more in control.
We say that we want a relationship but then claim that there’s no good men or women to date or that people are only out for sex. Result – we’re rinsing through dating sites or hoping to turn magic a casual relationship into a serious one.
We say we want love but feel unworthy and wonder why anyone would want us, so then we wind up with an abuser. We say we want love and nothing more than to be in a relationship but we have underlying beliefs about being second best and feeling discarded by a parent or having had to compete with a sibling, so next thing you know, we’re The Other Woman/Man where not only do we continue to feel second best but we are safe from having to risk ourselves on a real relationship.
We say that we want to be in a relationship but only feel of value if we’re needed so next thing, we’re playing Florence Nightingale, or a Renovator or even a Buffer in a rebound relationship.
If we want to be in a relationship, we cannot afford to allow unhelpful and unhealthy beliefs to hide out amongst our desires.
We have to become increasingly conscious, aware and present, which we can do as a result of increasing awareness about the messages and lessons that we’ve picked up that are unwittingly being repeated so that we can choose differently and do so based on being in the present instead of living in the past. When we grow ourselves up, we stop defining us by virtue of our past, we shed our ‘child role’, and by extension of taking responsibility for how we want to feel and committing to our desires and needs, we open ourselves up to a different type of relationship.
We have to own up to our underlying beliefs because pretending that we have the mindset and supporting attitude and choices to go with our conscious belief, is the fastest way to keep a loving relationship at bay.
If you’re serious about being in a mutually fulfilling, loving relationship, don’t shy away from the seriousness of knowing you and committing to what you want. Don’t use your subconscious beliefs to give you opt-outs from have from having to be vulnerable and put you truly out there.
Your thoughts?
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I know all of this to be true and have for some time. I’m abundantly aware all of my insecurities, limiting beliefs, etc. I have been working on it for well over 6 years. But I still have not figured out how to get out from under it. And even if I do have to fix it before I can meet someone, how many decades will that take and will I even be alive to reap the rewards? I mean we have all been hurt a lot, especially the older we are. How do we heal every crack and crevice to somehow finally become worthy of a relationship? I’m 50 and if I live to be 80 I still won’t have figured it out.
It’s almost as though…I nned to take things like this in slow motion….realize that when I’m about to strike up a conversation or think someone is cute..it is at that very moment also wake up and be in the present and be very clear about understanding my past and feel it in my bones…not sure quite how to say it..but this is the thoughts that come to me…changes everything when I know what I’m thinking and feeling even with the past and how much this influences all of this…
I’m no expert – far from it, cough .. but I wouldn’t recommend trying to work it out alone too much; being with a new partner is often a good way to come through these fears.
if you can find the appropriate partner…I thought I was doing that with the last guy who is even a counselor, but inappropriate because of long distance and financially not well.
Anyways, turned out that I just re- traumatized myself when he rattled off all the things wrong with me at the end when he got triggered. So, what was supposed to be healing felt like the same old same old. I allowed myself to feel bad and I am tired of it, plus it couldn’t work because of the distance for sure.
So, very important who you do this work with.
Absolutely correct.
I share your thoughts… I have come to a realization about why things have gone that way in the past. The real reason is me and only me, not men.
But as I have worked on my problems for a long time now, I seem unable to “fix” my thoughts and behaviour. I can’t even go on to dates anymore because I’m deadly afraid again that this new guy will do the same as every man in my life before: use me in some way, tell me I’m not good enough and then leave me. I am happy and feel amazing living my own life, but I wish I would be loved and love someone else. It just seems like impossible thing to achieve in this lifetime.
I’m with you Laura. It’s tough work. Keep the faith.
I have been guilty of similar things. I truly want a loving relationship and for some reason I pursue people that I “know” I won’t have that with and then I’m hurt when it doesn’t work out. It’s mainly because I was physically attracted to them at first. Most of these guys were not bad people but there were signs there that they were not the guy for me and couldn’t give me what I wanted…age, circumstances etc. The worst part is I saw this, stayed anyway and had my heart broken in the end (well yeahhh) I’ve also been guilty of not healing properly from previous relationships and bringing that heartbreak into current ones. And when it doesn’t work out, it hurts that much more. I was accused by a guy of being needy and constantly asking for reassurance of their feelings for me…I did this without even realizing it and that in itself is a turn off to people. I don’t blame myself for that completely because we all have a past but we have to look at new relationships as a new experience. For the past few years, I’ve dated one guy after another without healing in between. It’s to the point where I don’t even know who “I” am anymore and it’s affected my self esteem. Whenever I get hurt, I find myself saying “See? It happened again”! It’s a vicious cycle. So with the demise of my last relationship, I was tired of this happening to me so I’m dating myself for a while. Hopefully I’ll be in a healthier place for next time.
It is always a good thing to take a break to reconnect with yourself between relationships. I stayed alone on purpose for an entire year after my 6-year relationship ended and it brought me so much peace. But like you I still have to work on issues like picking someone I am attracted to and sticking my gun no matter how many signs I get that this won’t work. I hope this time alone does you some good and you can find yourself and your balance again.
Thank you Chloe. Yes, I have an issue with not sticking to my guns as well. I guess we think if they convince us to stay that they won’t hurt us. Then we end up shocked and heartbroken when they do. And it’s good to take a break in between relationships. I think we forget to take care of “us” sometimes.
That one time in band camp ! X
I think this is the deepest insight one can have about relationships. It all comes down to you. While there’s an illusion that blaming other people or your past or whatever is empowering, it’s exactly the opposite. You can’t change the past or other people (usually). You’re the one person you can control and change if need be. Anyhow, well-done, Natalie. It’s good see you continue to grown in knowledge and awareness. I don’t see that as a process that ever ends for any of us (until the ultimate end, of course). 🙂
I’m literally freaking out tonight about this very thing!
I haven’t had many relationships, but the ones I’ve had – have been with emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive men. (Just two of them! lol – one of which I realised the deal in only 3 months )
I’ve learnt ALOT from these relationships but found myself in a ‘thing’ with someone unavailable again for the last 2 years.
But see – I knew I was EU from having come out of the other long term relationships, and so all I wanted was a ‘thing’.
So now I am healthier and I have laid down boundaries with the present dude/situation and am now at a place where I am feeling shit scared that he will deliver on the relationship I have told him I want.
Yes that’s right – I am shit scared that the man I want to be with, will want to be with me, and then I will have to be with him, because I have made such a fuss out of him, fixing his situation to be with me!
(Take a breath)
I’m freaking out! I’m freaking out and I don’t even know if he wants to be in a real relationship with me or not.
I guess I’m freaking out because for the first time in my relationship life, I have said what I want, based on actual healthy considerations and the uncomfortable unknowingness of this is terrifying!!!!!!
Thank you, Natalie. Right on the money–and what I am working on, changing old beliefs that are not working to ones that will.
I don’t love my ex anymore, but I still remember those nasty things he did to me. It makes me feel scared to open up and love.
It has been one and a half years and I can’t meet someone to go into a relationship even I have tried to date different people.
I want to get rid of the past and embrace a new relationship, but the past just comes back to haunt me sometimes. I do want to be in a happy relationship. How can I really forget the past?
I am having the same issue, only difference I haven’t even tried dating again. Looking for the same answer…
Question — I’m starting to think I’m the “common denominator” to a degree but I’m not sure how to fix my situation. I’ve been with unavailable men and I stopped doing that; I have not had a real, committed relationship in about 5 years. I was with a EU three years ago and didn’t see the flags that he was EU — it truly broke my heart. I finally stopped seeing him and have dated other men but I have extreme anxiety — it seems like the only two kinds of men I meet are those who are unavailable in some way or those who are ready to get serious without even knowing me yet (needy, pressuring me, etc.). I think a huge part of it is just not meeting the right guy but I’m starting to think having repeated disappointments from dating and either letting someone down or being let down has left me permanently damaged. I also very rarely feel any sort of connection or spark with a man and I’d rather stay single than be with someone who I’m not really attracted to emotionally. I truly do want a relationship, just the right one. I’m heading to 50 and have been divorced now for 10.5 years — I left because I could not relate to my husband/had different shared values and left thinking I’d find that with someone else. Here I am alone for another holiday and unsure how to fix this situation….
Heather, I’m in exactly the same situation as you, regarding your age and dating situation. For the last few years all the men i meet are EUMs (you are aware that needy, pressing men who want something very quickly from you are EUMs, right?). The thing is that now I recognise EUMs very quickly and I don’t get involved with them anymore, but as you, I don’t meet any suitable non-EUM men. I don’t meet any men I’d feel a spark of attration to, suitable or non-suitable. This really bothers me.
But something that Nat wrote today really resonated with me. She wrote something like as long as we don’t trust ourselves that we’re able to get over a disappointment, breakup etc. so long we aren’t emotionally available. So, you and I have come a long way and we should be happy about it – we can quickly recognise wrong type of men and imagine, we are no longer attracted to them, hence the lack of spark and attraction! It’s a big achievement. But we still don’t trust ourselves enough to embark on a new relationship, hence we’re still emotionally unavailable and don’t meet right type of a guy. I’ll work now on my belief that I can’t get over a bad relationship hence it’s better to avoid relationships altogether. After all, relationships fail all the time even with right type of people. But I’ve survived a number of bad relationships, as a better person really.
We.ve come a long way, Heather and changed considerably. We can easily recognise the men who aren’t for us and more importantly, we are no longer attracted to them. So, you see, change is possible, you’ve already changed! We’re just not ready yet but we can change this, too. Who cares who are you with for Christmas! Plenty of miserable people with families around them at Christmas time. If you don’t have friends, go and volunteer somewhere, do something, go to sleep. Just persevere!
Honestly Mephista, I know that pressing for instant intimacy is EU I haven’t really registered this in terms of the men I’ve recently dated so thank you for pointing that out to me. You just sort of “know” that it’s wrong because it feels wrong, your gut is screaming out — for me, being pressured is worse than when men pull away. I go straight into panic mode when the guy is coming on too strong/needy/etc. because I feel like I’m responsible for the man’s feelings and he’s coming on so strong I can’t reciprocate. I really need to think on this more. I HAD been thinking that I was damaged in that I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with these men but maybe it isn’t me. Still, why are these EU men showing up?
I definitely agree with you, we’re in a better place. I no longer stay in something that feels wrong and I trust my instincts a 100%. Again, there’s almost a physical sensation you get when you know it is wrong and when I’ve ended dating situations I’ve only ever felt relief and not regret.
Yes, it is fine being alone at the holidays, it will be ok.
I’m just wondering whether I’ve lost my capacity to really connect with someone in the right way due to repeated misses/disappointments.
you lost capacity to relate to unsuitable men which is actually a very good news. and we keep meeting EUMs because we’re not there yet in our heads and continue to attract old type of guys but whom we can recognise very quickly now. so, good news, too. keep working on your perceived responsibility for other people’s feelings, i used to feel the same, too.
Hi Heather and Mephista.
I am in the exactly same situation as you, 50 y.o, divorced for 7 years and struggling with EUs. My last relationship lasted 2.5 years and was with an EU/AC. He used to manipulate and abuse me in several ways, until the day I broke up with him (last May) and since that time I am not attracted to any man. Like for you Mephista, don’t feel a spark of attraction to, suitable or unsuitable men, really bother me too. The funny thing is that, since I was 13 y.o., I don’t remember a single day I was not “in love” with someone. Yes, I was addicted to love. I know the EU/AC was my epiphany relationship and after him I am not going to accept to be treated as I was, but I have some doubts. Do you think we attract men like them? Or all women can be a target of a EU, but women with good self-esteem do not accept poor treatment and just move on? Also, don’t you think that be EU is a more prevalent issue nowadays? When I was younger I think relate was easier.
Great post, I can completely relate. I wish you could erase your sub-concious thoughts.
I have numerous ideas on relationships that seep in to my concious…which explains why I get in to unavailable “relationships”.
I honestly never thought about it like this before… Until now, I have been happy to accept that the reason I’ve never had a single healthy, serious relationship in my adult life (almost 32) was due to the fact that there are more idiot men in the world than good ones – and I was unlucky enough to be wading through the bad.
Now I see, that perhaps certain childhood experiences may have contributed to this: I’ve never known my biological father, my step dad was an aggressive bully, my brother was shipped off to Jamaica to live with grandparents when I was 5 (he was 13), and most of the men in my family seem to think its the norm to spread seed among as many women as possible and not be responsible for their offspring and/or women.
Then there’s the women in my family – every single one of them (whether they married or not) have all ended up being single mothers (with the exception of my mum who married my step dad after being a single mum for many years). Their relationships have often been verbally, physically, mentally abusive – with partners who always seem to have one foot out the door.
I think deep down inside, having never seen what a healthy, loving relationship looks like – I just accepted that relationships were meant to be volatile and traumatic. Obviously, I always wanted to have the fairy tale romance (who doesn’t?), but I guess I saw the reality for people within my family/culture and accepted it as the ‘norm’. The love/relationship that I desired only existed in books, movies and my imagination.
Perhaps that explains the deep rooted fear and anxiety I feel when I’m dating… Knowing that the good times are only fleeting, and always bracing myself for the fall out – which usually happens within the first 3-4 months. I’d always chalk this up to me meeting another bad apple, but now I see that I was sabotaging my own happiness. I’d given up on the possibility of finding real love before I had a chance to actually give it a chance.
I’ve been so scared of ending up like all the other women in my family (broken, raising kids alone, resentful and cold), that I guess it was easier to date EUMs with the foresight that it was never going to last anyways – thus preventing me from ever really connecting with a man, never showing vulnerability and never taking the relationship to the next level.
I can’t take all the responsibility… on the odd occasion where I did try to let myself go and open up to a guy I liked, they turned out to be arseholes which only served to diminish my trust for men even more.
I can’t change this overnight, but I am making a concerted effort to be more open to love – especially now I’m dating a guy who’s really surprised me in the most unexpected ways over the last 3 months. He makes me feel like giving it a chance might not be such a bad idea.
Good luck Rachel, much of what you wrote made sense to me. Wishing you all my best.
Thanks again, this is definitely my challenge now.
Sometimes I think that I’ve been so traumatised by my last (abusive) relationship that I still experience the side-effects and have bpd symptoms. I often feel extreme fear; I feel immobilised by it and have this nonstop monologue basically repeating the subconscious fears, dressed up as apparently logical statements.
But not in fact logical as they are always negative … and absolute about ‘my life’ or ‘all men’ wanting to do something to hurt me.
I’m seeing a therapist, but it is so hard sometimes. I just want to give up, but know this is also a symptom of the problem.
All that said, I am still going to commit to a man who sincerely loves me and has a good character. I am aware that many people say you need to wait to ‘sort out’ your baggage first, but this is not always true. I think that if I were not in a relationship these fears would just further ossify – and I would still be vulnerable to meeting an ex mark two.
Does anyone here have advice on how to tackle these subconscious fears? Is it just a matter of being aware of them and also realising that they are not ‘real’ but just a hangover from our past?
(And please for anyone out there still in an abusive relationship please get out; yes it is difficult, but having come out the other side my only regret is that I spent four years with my ex. The longer you suffer the abuse the more you suffer afterwards … and not all men are like this, believe me).
Madeleine, I might be able to make a couple suggestions – please thrown them away if they don’t jive with you!
I found keeping a diary every evening very helpful in purging myself of some of the emotional toxins. It helped me through the shock stage. When I was feeling more calm (usually in the daytime a day or two later), I’d review my entries as objectively as possible. I’d acknowledge what I was feeling when I wrote it down and say to myself ‘ok now Griz, just look at what state you got yourself into, good heavens woman, pull yourself together, let a bit of that go now, and do better with your thoughts’. Because I had made the decision that it was time for me to swim to the surface, I got a little tougher with myself (just a bit at a time), and instructed myself to stop taking every last little molecule of sorrow so damn seriously — to relax a bit, and start trusting myself. It did help me swim to the surface where things were lighter and easier each day.
Thanks so much Griz, am going to try this – much appreciated. It’s going to take some time, though.
And maybe I’m going to be single for a while again, the man I mentioned above still has all those fine qualities and good character, but has recently been very verbally aggressive with me.
Another reason, sisters, to take it slow and learn how to maintain clear boundaries. He pushed extremely, extremely fast and I was so taken by the fact he didnt seem like a playboy and was really ‘present’…
Reminds me of something I read once what a man thinks (about women) is often more important than what they feel, or do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oag3I4VRXyM
and this is for you my sisters
What about those of us who don’t just date EU men, but tend to screw up relationships with good men who treat us well, in the pursuit of EUMs, who treat us like crap. I think we are a special brand of f***ed up, or maybe we’re EU ourselves?
Uncanny. Natalie, every email I get from you nails it every.single.time. Thank you.
Unfortunately I am in the same boat. Since I turned 31 I have been on a journey to get married and have children. I have been in several long-term relationships and many were toxic when I look back on it. I am constantly wondering what I did and or didn’t do. I am the “nice woman”. The woman who feels it’s ok to give a man a chance even if he doesn’t have a career or know what he wants in life. In the end they end up cheating or just saying they are not in love.
I am now 36. After my latest long-term relationship ended I have decided not to date. It’s been two months and am feeling great. But I am wondering how do I pick differently. I am tired of being the girlfriend that is introduced to family and friends and then the guy leaves.
I am trying to figure out what am doing that causes needy men to find me and why do I think it’s ok to invest in men who don’t invest in me. Last night at the gym a guy pursued me. He is much younger and stated that his looking for work . He begged for my number and I said no. I took his but I deleted it, yet I feel guilty for not giving him a chance. Why????
It sounds like he doesn’t have his shit together, Jos – and you’ve learned the hard way that this type of guy may not be interested in YOU but in what you can DO for him (tolerate his bs, get laid while he wastes your time, etc.). For me, I struggled with rejecting this type of guy (charming/attractive but immature/unemployed, etc.) – I would make excuses for him, etc. I was buying into the notion that I should be “understanding” or whatever. Going against this goes against our habits – and it goes against what society expects us to do (rehabilitate men) and, often times, what MEN expect us to accept – and so, the guilt stems from our own fear that we don’t have any right to say No or judge someone as not good enough for us. You did the right thing for you. It’s not selfish or mean and there’s no need to feel guilty – it was your decision and you decided: NO. And I would too. Hang in there. xoxo
Thank you!
I want to do better so I can stop feeling this way. I have realized that if am not consistent and keep saying I want to be different, I want to be with a man who is good to himself and to me then I have to change my thoughts and actions. This has to start with realizing that I need to be more vocal and stop accepting what doesn’t make me happy, with the hopes that it will get better. Only I can make it better.
Introspecting is a powerful tool. It’s nice that you all understand. I was starting to feel like I was the only one struggling with how to do things differently in order to have the type of relationship I want.
Jos, I feel ya because I am that nice woman too. They seem crazy about me, introduce me to friends, family and then cheat or say don’t love me anymore or give other lame excuses. Total waste of my time. I’ve even walked away…then they convince me they’re not going to leave and then they end up leaving me anyway! It’s so confusing and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m to the point where I don’t even want to get to know anyone because It’s not going anywhere so why do I need to know what he likes to do for fun, his favorite food etc etc? He’s not going to be around long anyway. Sad I know…Anyway, hang in there!
Thanks you too. I hope with positive thinking and changes it will.
Have a look at a book that’s perfect in terms of describing this, ‘the nice girl syndrome’ by Beverley Engel
Be super careful of this dynamic – often these aimless men are very angry underneath and wonder why you are with them (and then exploit/abuse you for this).
I’m going to take a break after being with a number of men like this – often a different race to me as well, which adds another dimension. As you feel like you should stick it out because of your politics or whatever. I know that sounds strange to write.
A useful technique: imagine you were them, confused etc and with an older, or more successful person, wouldn’t you be wondering too why they were with you?
The soul searching! Yeah this was something I did a long time ago and it may me realize that while some of men I dated didn’t treat me bad per se (except for A/C 1 & 2), I really didn’t care if I had a relationship or not! To some degree I was unavailable. I would settle for FWB relationships and was content. Even though the guys I dated treated me well, I knew I wanted more but didn’t require it. Its funny because I realized that most of the men I dated married the women they were seeing after we stopped seeing each LOL! I don’t care bcuz I didn’t want to marry any of them anyway, but it made me wonder if these guys sensed that I really didn’t want anything serious and ran for the hills! Oh well, at the end of the day, I started to love myself more and refused to give myself to anybody that I didn’t see a future with them.
Wow! Perfect timing for me to find this post. I have just realized that I am the common denominator in all of my past failed relationships. I’m 33, will be turning 34 next month and literally today realized that I haven’t been picking the wrong men (some were bad apples) but I have been letting my subconscious self defeating thoughts aka ANXIETY get the best of me. I have been feeding way too much into it.
My parents divorced when I was nine and both remarried a year later. My mom has a healthy relationship with my step dad and my father (who passed away 5 years ago) was a womanizer even after getting married. We didn’t have a great relationship as it was because he never kept promises and I suppose looking back, I may not have felt properly loved by him. I hate admitting that I have “daddy issues” but I do believe that my insecurity of never finding someone who will love me and stay with me, stems from my issues I had with my father growing up.
I usually do the whole song and dance thing to where I meet new guy (sometimes EUs and sometimes not) but will over analyze everything and when I start to feel (imagine, believe, give in to) that the guy is no longer interested in me, I sabotage it by going off the deep end and blaming him for leading me on and not being honest, etc.
I took a break from dating and for ten months, prayed and asked God to bring me a good man but in looking back I should have been praying for God to heal the insecurities I have and to show me how to stop them. This self realization comes after having just met a new guy a week ago. We met Thanksgiving day, via an online site. We had semi ok conversation through text which were a tad boring and I wasn’t sure I liked him enough to meet him. We ended up talking over the phone and had a great conversation. We ended up meeting about 10 days after our first initial interaction and it was one of the best first dates I have ever been on. We met for coffee and talked for three hours straight and were both surprised by how fast time flew. There was an instant attraction in person and we kissed, several times throughout the evening. It was definitely a pleasant surprise for me because I wasn’t sure if we would hit it off in person.
It’s been three days since our first date and we have been texting here and there. Our texts are the same as they were when we first started talking and everything is good.
But, my anxiety is just fighting to ruin this. I find myself questioning things that have no truth and it’s like my mind feeds off of this stuff. I talked to my mom for a long time this morning and she agreed that I feel the need to control this situation and if I can’t then I look for ways to control it and let my anxiety take off and run wild.
I told her that I feel like I have to be ok if this ends and that I am trying to minimize the heartache I will feel later. She said that is no way to live and that relationships, both new and long term, marriages, involve hurt of some kind. By trying to control being hurt or not getting hurt, I am not allowing myself to fully embrace this experience of getting to know this person who I had a great time with (Fact) that is interested in me (fact) and is texting me (Fact). Sorry for my long rant but just appreciate this blog and all the comments.
Dear Jacky, I think one thing you could do is focus on “pampering” yourself. Shift the focus from him to you. Look at yourself in the mirror, smile and say out loud “I love you, Jacky. You are amazing”. Get up 15 minutes earlier in the morning to have more time for cream, make up, hair. Go running/swimming/… and enjoy feeling your body moving, your strength, your speed, the contact of water on your skin, …. Write on your diary about your goals for next week/month/year. Make a list of all your good qualities. Tell yourself something nice.
I am very bad at loving myself, but it is the most important step for us. I try to focus on loving myself 10 minutes every day: it’s hard. I still don’t like Misa that much. But I keep trying: I am an adult, I am not the child with an absent and overcritical dad. I am capable of giving myself the love I need.
If you focus on taking very good care of Jacky, the rest (being more relaxed with your guy, not trying to always be in control) will come naturally.
I also meditate: at first it’s hard because I am often anxious and I am scared of “emptying” my mind, but then it is a great relief. It forces me to centre back on myself, to feel every inch of body, to embrace this life that is only mine and thus to let go.
hang in there! xoxo
Misa,
Thank you very much. I have been trying to do this except lately, I have decided to kick Anxiety in the face and tell it to get the ****OUT! It’s hard because it is so natural to go back to a way of thinking so many self-defeating thoughts.
I keep thinking, man this guy has the upper hand, why do men have the upper hand? and then I made myself a list of all the reasons why I have the upper hand and I came up with: I am not the one who is divorced, I am not the one with a kid, I have a masters, a great job, great credit, own place, a loving family, the ability to love and the willingness to put myself out there and you know what? It is working, even if I’ve had to remind me self of this every single hour of every single day.
The new guy is still new, how can I possible predict what will happen? I keep focusing on truths-we are still talking and he still contacts me. I have been very good with not taking control (ie: texting him when I feel like it’s been too long of time between our communication. So far, he has always reached out) and I am getting use to just letting things ride out in whatever pace they will.
Day by day, minute by minute. That is what it feels like.
thanks again!!
I haven’t dated anyone since I broke up with ex assclown 1 yr and half ago (2/3 of this time I needed to use to get rid of him who just wouldn’t accept NC). I don’t care about him anymore, I am just holding resentment for what I’ve been through. I am not ready to date, so I’m not doing it. But that’s not really the problem; the problem is that I am 31 and I feel that there is no hope for the future to be in a good relationship cause it’ll take me ages to feel ready, and although I don’t think man are all “bad”, I do think that the “good ones” are taken and I’m too old and I’ll never find anyone. Not to mention how scared I am to open up to someone. I very rarely see people in their 30ies getting happy endings. I might be aware of my distorted beliefs, the point is how do I change them? Is that even possible? Shouldn’t we just accept that in 2015 being in a happy relationship just doesn’t happen to EVERYBODY, despite having maximized your options with a positive attitude?…I’d like to hear from someone who made it or who’s making it!!
Hi HowIGotOver,
I am a success story so far. I am a bit behind your age (29) and about 2 years ago I experienced my first love which turned out to be the biggest drama I had so far. I was obsessed and couldn’t let it go. I found this blog and in one moment I said “enough!”. Maintained NC and and still maintaining it.
I gave myself enough time and distanced myself (changed the country). I struggled but all the time I kept positive mood. I knew that this is just a sad period that will go away sometime.
This year I made many experiments with myself. As a man I had to learn to get rejected and accept it. I date about 5 women this year and collected dozens of phone numbers. FYI: I dated the women in serial way. Many of of the women never texted back, other just disappeared when I tried to arrange second meeting.
Well it’s the end of the year and I am still alone. But I am positive. I am happy that I had the courage to show up in the dating market. I made it in decent way and allowed myself to unfold. The women saw my true self but seems that they didn’t like it, well I can’t do so much but to continue searching somewhere else … I am happy that I was authentic.
The cool thing is what I realised recently. At 2013 I was madly in love and later I experienced betrayal. I was sad and not conscious long time but I am still standing and what is more important. Because of this toxic love experience I managed to go out of my comfort zone (commitment phobia) and now I am sure that if I loved once I can love again. I don’t give up!
Great! Well done, so nice to hear 🙂 Keep trying – it’s all we can all do 🙂
Boo, as a matter of fact the process for reaching this point was not linear. I had my ups and downs, rainy days and etc. But once I got calm and started showing up things started getting better.
I don’t expect everything to be perfect with my new self but the important thing is that I am more vulnerable and I am able to show up.
I wish luck to all readers!
My mother and father are a real life Carrie & Mr. Big. After being together for 30+ Years, cheating and 2 outside kids with 2 different women he finally “chose” her and they’ve been married for 15 years
A few months ago she accused him of cheating. They’re still together. Her take on men “they all cheat, they think about cheating” and always “you know how men are”
My friend just got married to a FWB. Another rare dating fairytale.
She talks to men outside of her marriage daily and even brags about the men she’s talking to.
Former friend claimed to be the strongest, self sufficient woman in the world. Especially with men. Until I realized she almost only dated men with girlfriends. In her words she wanted to “tame a lion”. Bragged about how she was better than their girlfriends but they never left them for her.
My sister after a string of bad casual encounters met her boyfriend. She wanted me to look at her for how things can work out for the good. Her and her boyfriend having been arguing since the day they met and she has become physically abuse to him.
These are the people who give me advice. At first I used to feel bad because I have never been in a relationship and I thought they were intentionally trying to brag to make me feel bad until I realized they or they’re relationships aren’t what they pretend it to be.
When I was younger & maybe even up until this point I used to think they were doing it right and I’ve tried to date like them and have failed miserably. Thinking if they do it right and get all these men what’s wrong with me that I don’t.
I don’t compare myself to them anymore and I don’t believe the fairytale hype, or that men are all bad. I’m happy working on myself as a single woman But I fear being like the women I know. I fear being codependent, desperately craving attention, needing validation, bashing men while constantly seeking love.
This is another one of these moments where I realize I’m judging these women and comparing too harshly. Everybody has their lessons to learn as do I.
Hope, I actually appreciate hearing your observations. We women on the outside of relationships always think the grass is greener on the inside. But coupledom is hard, and maybe a dose of critical observation will get us to stop thinking everyone else has the “secret” to good relationships.
When we find “the one”, we’d better be prepared for still having our feelings hurt or misunderstood or disregarded. The “one” is not going to behave perfectly in every situation. And guess what, we will sometimes disappoint him, too. What we want is someone who will be supportive and loving toward us, and engaged with us. And we have to be supportive and loving and engaged in return. Or, at least, that is what I want.
Thank you for all that you share. Your honesty and courage and the content of your blog is helping me on my journey of recovery. I cannot thank you enough.
And perhaps this is why …I’ve stopped thinking I want a relationship with a man at all :/ Now my conscious and subconscious are aligned. Oh well. I used to think that I wanted to be with someone, or more specifically particular people. I never consciously thought that I am not lovable or am emotionally unavailable. But I have been meeting EU after EU after EU – and often spectacularly so, I mean the sort of thing I can’t write here because he really was a unicorn EU and I can’t imagine another person in the world with that unique set of lies [think of every EU possibility and add it up, make him also a liar, a gas lighter, a narc, a big old man baby, passive aggressive, stir, shake, serve cold with a twist of bitters].
I think I took EU men, and very often even if I didn’t want to, they left me having become more EA than when they came into my life. I became less available, harder, older, less b.s., less trusting. I didn’t turn available men EU. I instead got involved with very damaged EU men, and with my plain talking helped them [I think] build a better facade. I think those men are still EU – but now they are in successful relationships, I assume having learnt to lie better. This I can say surely for my ex-AC-EU.
I have realized in the last few years, in the years where I have had some EU minor flings but no real relationship at all – that I do think I’m unlovable, and that deep emotional friendships are what I can manage. Its what I am good at. I invest in people, in recent years I have become popular, people like me, and here and there I make some good friends, people that open up to me and usually me to them. I think I am unlovable in a deep way – I don’t FEEL love from my mum even though I think she does love me in her way, and I don’t FEEL love from my siblings. I don’t think I FEEL much of anything at all, nothing very deep. Strong emotional friendships are caring and affectionate and fun – I have given up my desire or belief or need for real intimacy, openness and true vulnerability. I think thats sad. I think its also a healthier place for me to be – I see where I can allow people in, and I invest in that a lot. And I see where I am unable to find the right people to let in, and I’ve moved on from wanting that in my life.
Deep in my heart, I am alone. It is my story, it is the story I have told myself since I was 5. That at the end of the day you only have yourself. Here I am, in my mid-30s, alone, having spent most of my life alone. In many ways I live a good life, but I don’t see how being alone will ever change.
@Suki,
You’re not alone. You just keep feeding into the idea that you are and will never be happy BUT you have to let go of the anxiety and take control of it. It’s ok to admit that you don’t want to be alone because the truth is, none of us do. If you allow yourself to feel the confident and fun person you are-the one that your friends love, a EA will find you. I am learning too and it’s not easy to be that vulnerable knowing there is a possibility of being hurt BUT like my mother reminded me, every relationship, not just with men, friends, siblings, co-workers, we get hurt. That is what relationships are all about.
I am done giving into my anxiety and insecurities. DONE. It has taken up too much of my dating life and I want a companion, a best friend and I want to be able to share the innermost parts about what makes me, me, with a man who is deserving of that. No more being afraid. It’s going to be 2016 soon and I think I have let my anxiety demon run too much of my dating life. Today is a new day and guess what? If I fail, I can try again tomorrow.
Oh dear this is me to a tea. I seem to sabotage any hope of a relationship, all the nice boyfriends I ever had I was not dedicated to, choosing instead unavailable men and chasing them. When I look at how much time I have wasted doing that I’m sorely embarrassed not to mention the fact that when I’m focussed on trying to win a relationship with an unavailable person I am taking attention away from my beautiful daughter, family, friends, work – for what something or someone that does not value me!!! I’m finished wasting this time.
For all you ladies talking about age, I would suggest not wasting time on this thought, you don’t want to rush into something that is not right! Give yourselves time!! Xx
Ive been lurking for a while and one common thing about these posts is that most of the women posting including myself is between 40 and 50 years old. The ones that got left behind….left for younger woman, left because the men we dated didn’t love us, left because they cheated with someone younger. At least that is my case. I’m 46. It really upsets me that there are women posting on here that claim to be old at 32. What I would give to be 32 again. You have so much time to improve yourself and find someone new.
When you are pushing 50 like me, it feels like I’m running out of time. The only guys that like me are 55-60 year old fat men or 30 year old guys that just want a hook up. I feel I don’t have the leverage that the younger girls have. I can’t even meet a man my age that wants to date me and get to know me.
I was in a 3 year relationship with a man 4 years younger than me that I came to find out was cheating on me with several women. I’m broken and alone and feel like I’m never going to meet that right man.
It is a fact of life. As we age, the value we bring to the mating table changes. Many men will look to older women for financial security and creature comforts. Men who are very financially secure may not be as interested in us. Some may, some who are really looking primarily for emotional connection may look for older women, but as we age, we need to be realistic about how our value changes. And face it, extremely financially secure men will be looking for women who make them feel young. Maybe you can do that for him, but a twenty-to-thirty-year old has an edge.
I am not saying older women have less worth. We have a different worth. Some men are looking for women like us. But you have to know your worth and know what YOU want. If you want young and handsome, then be prepared to deal with faithfulness issues, because the youthful beauty years is when the most seeds are sown. You can’t stop him from living his “time”. If you want to be taken care of, then you can only be a trophy to a man who is at least 12 years older, IMO.
In my view, over 50 is when women get to do the choosing. Your approach needs to change. Sex appeal may be a little less visual and a lot more mental.
Hi Elgie,
Well, I can’t give a man financial security and I’m not looking for a younger guy. I’m just looking for a man in my age range. I’ve always dated men in age range, but now that I’m older I feel like men my age want a younger woman.
It’s very discouraging.
And it’s heartbreaking when you spend 3 years of your life with a man only 4 years younger than me and he decides to consistently cheat on me. (I found out after the break up) that he was pursuing, dating and having sex with other women while we were together. I know what I want and it’s been hard to find someone.
Hi Lestela,
I’m going to be 46 in February and feel like I’m 30. Everything you said rings true for me. I am in a similar place as you except I got left 3+ years ago — a week after my man told me he was in love with me — completely dysfunctional and heartbreaking.
People can say it is the way it is in terms of men and who they feel they can choose for their partners — maybe it is true. Honestly, I don’t want a man who wants someone who is like a drug to them because they’re younger than me or whatever. I’m so much more of a full person now than I was 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago — the right man will see that and love me (and you!) the way I (you) are. The other men who cannot see us as gems are not ones that will lead to happiness.
I am sorry you feel the way you do — trust me, I share your frustrations but I’d rather stay single for the last part of my life than be with a man that sees me as a fix or a trophy vs. the real, imperfect, but wonderful, loving woman I am. I’m NOT SETTLING!
Hugs to you!!
Heather
I’m sorry you feel his way. If it helps any I am 32 and I feel that men my age want to date younger. Those older seem to have relationship baggage and unfortunately I find it difficult to align myself with that because I’ve not had those experiences, so that’s not straightforward either.
What I’m really saying is that I think no matter what age we are we all face difficulties, I guess it’s just about meeting the right person.
I think I get scared that I am not as “great” as I think I am and when some asshole takes an interest in me, it’s because it matches that belief: that he can see me for who I am – just like my ex-EUM, who isn’t great at all – like he knew my “secret.” We are both from a Midwestern state and I thought our shared heritage was what made us so compatible as partners – all the coincidences that we grew up so close to each other and had so many interests in common but never met till we both moved to the state we both live in now. It seemed like such a kismet situation – and he used that word, I remember.
But growing up, I was terrified I’d never get out of this Midwestern state and I’d be stuck forever, bored and unchallenged, married and miserable, steeped in inertia and I’d die full of regrets for chances I didn’t take. None of that came true. I left many years ago and my life is full of adventures and I’m dreaming my dreams so I get to do all the things I want to do. And I wanted him to be part of that with me. I wanted to feel smart and accomplished and powerful because deep down, I worry that I’m just white trash from this Midwestern state. I think he was more comfortable with me playing small for his ego. But I thought he saw through me and that’s why he didn’t admire my accomplishments or strong personality – because I was frightened that maybe he knew we were the *same.* That was my fear. That, no matter what advanced degrees I have or what fancy job I have, I’m just white trash from our hometown and that he knew it and that’s why he wasn’t crazy about me like I was crazy about him. I need to address those old childhood fears – none of them came true but somehow, I still feel like someone will “find me out.” And I think I thought he saw through me because he’s from the same place as me. And now I realize, we aren’t the same at all. He didn’t deserve me and THAT’S what he knew all along – which is why he sabotaged it and I had to end it. My ending it reinforced the truth: we are not the same (and thank goodness for that)… And I am pretty great. 🙂
This was a huge revelation for me today – I was struggling to figure out what from my childhood was triggered in that relationship and THAT’S what it is. And now that I know, I can heal it. Thanks for this website – it’s truly an incredible resource and has improved my life exponentially.
I had daddy issues too, until I talked to my mum about it and found out that he was verbally and emotionally abusive to her too for 100% of their relationship (which was news to me, I assumed he started out being nice). She was escaping her own mother who had boyfriends who were physically abusive in their home growing up, so I totally get that she had to get out any way possible. My dad used to tell me all kinds of lies, and now I see it for what it was, that makes it easier to get over it. I have never had therapy, could never afford it, but I am sure I would have been messed up emotionally if I had not turned around one day to call my dad out on one of his lies and he just stood there stupidly without an answer. That was the day I grew up and realized that I am not what he says I am, just because he says it.
My dad used to tell me that my lazy low academic starter brother had a higher IQ and was smarter than I was (with the straight A’s through life). One day, I asked my dad to show me the papers where this was true, let me see it, right now, as I had been told it all of my life. My dad just stood there, and I stood there with my little hands on my hips, challenging my big and powerful dad, and I REALIZED, men will lie to me, so just get over it and don’t believe everything that they say I am. That was it, it all changed after that. I stopped deriving my confidence from a guy who lied between his teeth to emotionally stunt me, and I am probably okay today because of it. Ladies, stop believing what anyone says about you, look in the mirror at your big bad self, that is the true you. Dad’s are assclowns and EU’s too.
In the last two months I have connected some of my life behaviors to “daddy issues”. Forced to be in the company of my Dad because of his health issue, and seeing, through adult eyes, the negativity that flows freely from him. Remembering things I’d forgotten from the past…..the insults, the putdowns, the constrictions. Seeing his disinterest in my thoughts through adult eyes. Realizing his current behaviors are not due to his growing older, but were always there.
And realizing they are HIS Issues, not mine.
Yep, he lies for no reason. He bullies. He barks orders.
Now I offer assistance in his hour of need but I do things on my terms. I only provide the help I am willing to give, because one of Natalie’s posts talked about how people will bristle when they sense you are doing things out of an obligation. I do not try to be the “good daughter” anymore. Yesterday he left a vmail on my cell saying he missed me. He never does that, and he doesn’t miss me. What he misses is having company since he chased his girlfriend away and his “good daughter” is not trying to fill that void anymore. Because spending time with him is soul-sucking, and I noticed it sent me on a comfort-and-junk-food eating tear, and I had been eating healthy for four years. But I got hold of myself, stopped the bad stuff, restarted the good stuff.
I am realizing he shaped the way I see myself and my responses to men. And it is time that I re-shaped my view of myself.
I actually get a slight charge out of ignoring the reset attempts from my previous EUMs. Because I know they aren’t offering anything different, and I really don’t want or miss them. Right now, I am only looking to align myself with people – male and female – who can help me achieve personal goals. Have no time for, nor interest in, known romantic disappointments.
I have never ever understood why a guy would put me on the love train, get a warm and toasty seat next to me, then drop the bomb that he “just doesn’t love me anymore.” I had a guy do this to me, and I told him, “well, what do you want me to do with that?” After reading these posts, when it happened, I put him on NC immediately, and told him, well we are broken up now, so thanks for the laughs, then I started deleting everything associated with him in sight. He said to me, “Whoa, we are not breaking up, I never meant that.” And I realized, okay, he was hitting a reset on me, and if I stayed in the relationship after that, he had turned the power tip over to his side, as I would be in a relationship with a guy who did not respect me and said out loud that he did not love me. I thought, well, time to bounce, and kept the NC up until I was completely over him. Then I waited 2 months, and answered an email of his and told him, okay, we are not friends, you have no influence over me and I wish you well, but this is all I can do for you, I have been the best friend I could have been. Don’t know or care if he responded, as I deleted everything again (all of his apologies), and NC’d his phone number etc. from my life. I do truly wish him well, but he will not turn a relationship to me being without power on his reset, it was very liberating. I still think of him as time goes on, and I try not to by staying busy with work, which is working. I think guys don’t realize what they are giving up and always realize it too late, we should hardly ever take them back really, it never suits our purposes, only theirs.
Wow. Is that you, Nicki Minaj?? Love the strength! And I know that man is flabbergasted. He just knew you would cry and plead and wag your tail like a little puppy if he deemed you worthy of a crumb or two in the future.
Recently, I have been creating my own mental posse of strong female mentors – women who give a “Oh, HELL NO” to those who try to eff with them – Serena Williams, Nicki Minaj, Millie Jackson, and now you, Adele. Nice to meet you.
Elgie R., thanks for the props and nice to meet you too. This blog has saved my life for sure, and I love all of the women you listed. Can you believe all of the crap women have to go through, when we are naturally nurturing, nice wonderful souls? Men have to know we naturally will want to nurture, and I believe they are taking advantage of this. Like when I was in college, I lived in an all women dorm the first two years (I am not even sure if it is all women now). The boys from the frat houses used to come over and do their laundry in our dorm basement laundry room – and walk away from the clothes for a full day, just leave them in the washer. That was in the olden days when dryers were free or cheap at a dime. Of course, guess the result? The women would go on and put the clothes in the dryer, and dry the clothes, and go ahead and FOLD THEM, (yes we would fold other people’s clothes, because clothes require folding AND THAT IS WHAT WOMEN DO, caring women do this on a regular basis).
And these guys would come back later to free dried and folded clothes, no thank you, just pick up their free maid service clothes. I am positive I folded some of those clothes. Letting men take our strength, energy and emotion has to stop, and it stops here. I hope you have a good story now too. 🙂
Adele, I have never understood that either. I don’t get it. That’s what happened to me…however my reaction was the opposite. I was shocked and kept asking “why” and embarrassing myself, losing my dignity etc etc ugh… I wish I had your reaction or said “ok well, do what you gotta do”. I wonder if he would have contacted me again if I had done that instead. Talk about regret. When I say that I ask myself “why would I want to be with someone who said that to me anyway”?! I’m glad you were able to keep your dignity and respond like you did. It probably shocked him that you didn’t seem upset. You recognized what he was about so good for you! I think you did the right thing. Hope you find someone better.
Jay, thanks but sorry to say, I lost my dignity too. I did NC, but thought about him and was reading ALL of his emails for a day or two before realizing, I need to stop reading this as this is damaging too. All of the time I was also thinking, “well, he will be sorry and come around.” But do they ever really? Not really. I think it upset me the most when he said, “I don’t love you anymore, I am not in love with you” and then I realized for all women, that guys actually say this to them. No one had ever said that to me before, and I felt sorry for all women at that moment as I realized, “wow, guys say this, then expect them to stay in the relationship, and they tipped the power off of the woman because now she is staying with a guy who dissed her so royally, that she will always be lower than him, in his eyes and it justifies his poor treatment of her forevermore.”
Because after he says “I don’t love you,” and we stay, it is written in a comment cloud over our head every day “I don’t value myself, you are more important master_____(fill in his name). What a heady experience for the a$$clown? Wowza!! He gets to wake up every day and think, “Wow, I told her basically I hated her, don’t love her and I am so amazing, she is staying in this non-relationship and will continue to love me (not back, because I told her I don’t love her, just love me “FIRST AND FOREMOST”), and I get to do anything I want and I can always remind her “hey babe, I told you ‘I don’t love you.'” So yeah, hmmm, what a wonderful life for this guy.
I am caught up on energy now as I am working on losing weight and whatnot, and everything has energy, absolutely everything you do has energy. We have personal energy and vibrations and we send this off at all times. A bad guy will steal your energy and unbalance your vibrations (not the crystal rock stuff, but maybe, as I am not into that). So women keep our stress and tension in our stomach area, I want to just release tension there, will keep the tummy no problem, but want no stress there. In this way, I have to be healthier and hope others can do this too. Some men are actually bad for our overall health, but we don’t realize it at all.
Adele, by the way I just wanted to respond to your “comment cloud” statement. In my case even after he treated me badly, I continued to text and email him. Once someone treats us like that, it’s time to bounce! I don’t why we keep engaging in that behavior. I think we believe if we stick around they’ll “see the light” and change. Even if they do, it’s not for long. It’s no wonder they get away with all of this, we allow it!
Yes, it all comes down to accountability.
An elderly man will rush slightly ahead of me to hold open the door for me in public, and will have a big smile as he does it. He is saying, “Oh, a woman is near, I have been trained to respect all women, here let me get the door for her, I appreciate her as a woman.” I always ALWAYS smile back, touch his arm, thank him for the door and have a nice day. By the way, always go out looking your best and this will start to happen 100% of the time with respectful men. Now, that guy got a nice woman to pay him nice attention, smiled at him, touched his arm from a strange unknown woman is a compliment to him, says he is “worthy” of this attention as a real man, and may have brightened his day, so he got rewarded for being respectful to a woman. It certainly brightened my day too, being respected by a nice man.
Now fast forward to another scenario, which also happens to me frequently. A young guy rushes ahead of me slightly in a public place, gets to the door first, and allows the door to slam in my face. Now pay attention here please, I can sense and always tell when a guy is planning to slam the door in my face. He gets the “satisfaction” as he rushes through the door not to hold it open for me, he does not even need to turn around, he knows the door is going to slam on me, and he is probably smiling about it – he never needs to turn around, it is a foregone conclusion, that damn door will slam back on me (the way doors are made these days and whatnot). Does that guy appreciate women? Nope. Does he care a woman is behind him? Nope. Did his mother try to teach him how to appreciate and hold a door for a woman? Now this is a good question.
About the mother: I am not a feminist, that is a longer story for another time. But some men have used and hijacked the feminist movement as an excuse to use women up to an inch of their lives. Make THEM pay for dinner, he won’t pay, and will remind her, “well you want to be a feminist, so…” Or make her host for sleep overs, make her make the first move, tell her in the morning “I have to get my day started” at the end of the one night stand and so on. So that guy’s mom probably did teach him right but if she was a feminist, he got it all twisted around and is enjoying not having to put out manners for women as a result.
So what do I do? So back to the door in public, I can usually sense the guy who will slam the door and I do this: I stop walking as he rushes in, and I pretend I forgot my keys, or pretend something very important in life is happening in my bag or my purse, and I let him go ahead, and HE senses I am no longer walking behind him to slam the door on me. Interesting thought, that slammer guy 100% of the time will turn around, because he heard me walking behind him and now by stopping, I am off his game of slammer-city. I am still smiling, but he sees he is not slamming me that day, so whateve’s.
What is the point of all this slamming doors and whatnot? If a guy has not been trained by someone, anyone that women are respected at all times, then he will be AC. If he is of any age, if he has not learned to respect unknown women, he will not respect his girlfriend in a relationship either, how can he? He has never made this a priority.
The guy who hosts the sleepover who tries to clean up, puts up something nice for his lady-friend, that guy is a winner. The guy who hosts sleepovers to dirty sweaty comforters, who did not bother to pick up the joint, that guy will never respect her, ever.
The proof of who these guys really are is all around them, like the dust around a dusty car, or the gleam and glitter around something so special and shiny. We just need to keep talking to each other and realize the signs, we have to read the unspoken signs!
adele
some guys present great at beginning but when more intimacy is required they come to a dead end. superficial respect is good, but not enough for a thriving relationship. i think your guy came to hid dead end when he said he didnt love you. i think he felt blank inside himself and projected that death unto you. not the truth, just a road block that he saw as a dead end
It is so funny you actually said death, as he had many problems and was dead inside, how astute you are? He was dead and wanted to destroy others since he could not get it together himself. So all the love in the world will not help this type of person, never will change or help him. I felt sorry for him, then realized he was aiming to hurt me on purpose, I am so glad I am not even friends with him now.
Some people you have to leave and not look back. I felt guilty for that until I kept reminding myself how he wanted to bring me down every day, every minute. I can’t let that happen, so bye bye baby.
I just broke up with a guy who was really polite in public to the point where strangers commented to me to keep him, but in private when I came to visit him, although his house was spotless, there was no food for me at all (the trip was 250 miles each way and I am hypoglycemic ), and I was expected to go shopping as he headed to work. ..I started to bring water and food with me. He also had a house full of his ex’s clothes and pictures, and he said he was so over her he did not even notice that. .. Next visit he removed some, but not all. He had all kind of weird rules, where to out what, how to wash the dishes and which sink I was allowed to wash my hands in. So, appearances might be misleading… There is more to the story, but just these few facts alone are likely red flags.
Re-reading emails, letters, and texts are part of the steps to healing after our hearts are broken. But dwelling on those communications would be harmful.
But I get it. I did a partial purge of emails from AC, getting rid of the “sex” requests but keeping the ones that actually had some thread of mutual conversation, and, noticing how there were overwhelmingly more “sex requests” than conversation definitely helped me let go of the fantasy. I got rid of ALL his texts.
One of the signs that we have put them in the past is that we no longer compulsively read their communications.
And during the years I was seeing the AC, my stomach would go into convulsions about 30 minutes before each of his visits. Every single time.
What I have uncovered through reading BR is that all the men I have messed with in my past were diversions….ways of occupying my time…making me feel like I was working on something important, you know, trying to find that relationship with a capital R…..but I really need to work on my relationship with me. I never really understood what was meant by “self-esteem”. Seems like one of those pseudo-deep words, like “closure”. But I think it means “How do you regard yourself” and “ Where do you put yourself in the hierarchy of needs, relative to other people, in varying circumstances”. I am empathetic. I am naturally polite. I don’t want to change those things. But I am no longer going to jump in and fix other people’s problems, especially when they did not ask me to, and even MORE especially when they DO ask me to.
You are making super important points. My AC’s loved to keep me in stomach knots, and for what? I only suffered, not just health but self-esteem.
We have to let them be who they really are, and know that it has nothing to do with us for their AClownery.
Reading your blogs saves so much time in therapy, because you’re able to articulate what I have difficulty pinning down. Thank you.
Adele, hey at least he wasn’t aware you lost your dignity, at least that’s what I got from your post. Losing your dignity in private is bad enough..for you. Re-reading his emails and such is not good either because you start missing them and wondering if you should give them another chance…don’t. I’ve always been told once someone hurts you, they will do it again. I was given the “I don’t love you anymore” speech too and it was a first for me as well. It was devastating and cruel. That kind of stuff stays in your head for a long time. I replayed that among other mean things he said in my head for months afterwards. I’m still working on forgiving myself for my reaction to his bad behavior (what?!) And you’re right, they are bad for our overall health…even when things are great, we are happy because of THEM. Keep working on yourself, things will get better.
I agree Jay. I replayed it for so long, wondering and wondering. I had a day when I did not think on him and thought, “wow, I finally stopped thinking on him.” It was a good day.
Adele, I’m still waiting for that day. There was really no closure in my case so I’m always wondering what went wrong. Then again, there’s rarely true closure..
Darn! She’s done it again. It’s all so true and lines up exactly with what I’ve been thinking lately. Wow. I haven’t really been dating much but now I want to and I’m afraid to. I keep telling myself I can’t find a man who I can trust but I really haven’t dated anyone to give them a chance. I feel like I can’t trust me to uphold boundaries. So I get scared that I will get hurt, rejected and disappointed. Also I feel pressured to date like I have to. I don’t even know what I truly want sometimes but I haven’t really dating a bunch of people. I’ve always jumped into relationships. Sometimes all of these issues can make me feel like I want to scream. I feel as though other people get to live without these deep seated problems and I envy them.
No, everyone has problems, plenty of them. It is how they handle them that makes us think they are above it.
Talking about it does help tons. And learning to trust can happen in small steps, if someone is deserving of your wonderful attention. Too many guys take advantage, that is the problem, they are not accountable and get away with it, which can only hurt our hearts. Keep up feeling good, you will meet someone nice soon.
Thank you Natalie, you nailed it! I wish I knew all this years ago, that I had some advice. I had such a brutal upbringing & I was abused which left me with no self esteem, engulfed in shame and set up on a road of self destruction. I had no idea about relationships, hated every social event. I was constantly smiling, trying to please, inside I was screaming with pain, feeling so bad about myself. I used to torture myself , analysing everything I said, blaming myself for each rejection, if only I said that, done that, these men would have not left me! I tried to change and turned to God. I became even more aware that I am not worthy because I was so sinful. I was a mess! I married someone without even knowing him, because I was afraid no one will have me. When I tried to get out, my mum told me to have patience and stay put.
After 16 years of marriage, and finally therapy I feel like waking up from coma.. I feel so bitter and so sad looking back, at the young woman that I was, not able to live, not able to enjoy life,seeking approval from damaging relationships , and desperate to be accepted! Such a wasted life! And there is a man who did like me, who was so gentle, intelligent and warm, and I was so afraid that he sees too much good in me.. I run away from him! Every day I wake up with this sadness : I lost him, I never tried to enter a normal relationship, not giving myself a chance to be myself, to be alive!
It’s difficult to get back out there. After you acknowledge that you need to do better for yourself how do you make sure chemistry or deep feelings doesn’t cause you to make the same mistakes again? I am scared to date because of this. I have declined 3 dates with 3 men as a result. I want to trust myself again and know that I will not allow myself to get involved with an AC ever again.
Jos, I’m in the same boat… I’ve turned down several guys because I’m afraid of making the same mistakes. It’s so hard to get out there and trust again. People always say a date is just a date but before you know it you’re having fun with one person and in a relationship again setting yourself up for potential problems. Good luck to us both!
I am a man, who has gone through similar issues, like most women posters on this blog. First of all, I want to assure you that most of you, are good people and trying their best at maintaining or pursuing healthy relationships. The main problem i have noticed and encountered is that our society is rotten and lacks decent moral values on how to treat other human beings. A human being of today, especially in the USA, is bitter, very distrustful, self centered, angry, vengeful and self hurt. Yes, I may have opened a can of worms, but this statement is applicable to all of us on average, me and all the posters. Relationships sadly are no longer about unconditional love, but mostly playing psychological games and to see who wins at the end, if they is any winning at all in real sense apart from destroying the very relationship and getting hurt. As a result, both men and women are not giving their all when it comes to relationships and opt for the cheaper non committal route, that does not involve emotional love, i.e. online dating and hookups. Why should someone commit today, in a long term relationships, that requires a lot of work, when you can get the same from a quick hookup, that saves you time, money, energy and does not temper with your emotional well being. Of course I disagree with this approach, but it seems to be the majority. Two groups exist when it comes to marriage. The truly married happy folks (minority) and married and very bitter folks (majority) Ladies and gentlemen, please stop wasting your time and dear life. Mentally healthy men and women are rare, and its like winning a lottery if you find one. Just concentrate on loving yourself, doing stuff you enjoy, trying new things, pray and enjoy the many years ahead. You don’t need a man or woman to be happy, though you definitely need God lol.
Ben, totally agree with you! Especially when you say we lack decent moral values on how we treat other human beings. This is so true..
I am in Canada. I used to think this way as well. It felt like it was impossible to find a good decent partner here in North America.
My ex is from and lives in Europe and he is a future faker, cheater and immature. I think you are right Ben, finding the reason person for each individual is like winning the lottery now a days. I want to win that lottery. I love myself, for me having a wonderful partner to share it with would add to my happiness.