I recently delved into the topic of ‘ghosting’, which is when someone who you’ve had an intimate relationship with disappears. But of course disappearing isn’t limited to ‘full-on’ relationships: ghosting is something that many people have experienced with dating. It also happens with friendships and even with family. My father ‘ghosted’ me after I got married and it took a couple of months for it to register. When it did, it floored me. Anyway…, this post focuses on dating.
It’s highly likely if you’ve been around the dating block a few times, that you’ve ghosted. I know I have… The pleaser in me felt as if I ‘should’ reciprocate interest, but I didn’t want to. I feared making him feel bad (because I would then feel bad), as well as confrontation. So… I ignored his texts/calls about a third date.
Several months later, I spotted him at a train station, and I hid beneath my carriage window cringing with shame. After that, I vowed to stop dodging texts/calls, and I stuck to it, even when he was a Mr Persistent. I knew with the latter that my only option was to be direct rather than dodging. Once I knew that I’d been direct, I was free to ignore any texts or calls after that.
Ghosting is especially rife in the early stages of dating. In a time where someone might juggle multiple contacts due to apps and websites, or where their heads are easily turned due to a plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea mentality, some argue that surely they can’t be expected to break up with or at least give a heads-up to each person they date.
It’s like, “Don’t oblige me with other people’s emotions! But make me feel good!”.
It’’s also fair to say, though, that not everyone wants to hear back from every date that doesn’t work out. A lot of the time, we can work things out for ourselves (if we weren’t auditioning on the date).
In olden times, it was understood that silence after a first or early date equals it’s a no-go. If they didn’t call after a one-nighter or fling, although we’d likely feel a bit hurt and disappointed (especially if they were giving it the big talk while we were shagging our brains out), we’d still get the gist–it’s a no-go.
Disappearing was real and horrible in olden times (and it still is), only some of us have Columbo tendencies. We now have the added pain that comes with checking to see if they’re online or stalking their socials.
I hear from so many people who feel wounded by the silence after a date. It got me wondering, What’s really changed since olden times? It’s this:
Because we have such a myriad of options to be ‘rejected’–from texts to Whatsapp, to Facebook, to email and the list goes on—on some level we don’t think that people ‘should’ disappear. It’s not as if they have to call or see us face-to-face.
Can’t you at least ping me a rejection message? Of course, if they did, we’d still hurt over the method or content of the communication.
It’s never been easier to be emotionally unavailable via maintaining all sorts of distant communication. And the fact that we have these options mean that those of us who feel the rejection particularly hard can be inclined to keep up loose connections rather than face endings. This means that if someone doesn’t respond, it messes with the picture in our head and activates an old wound.
Why do some people ‘ghost’ after professing to have had a good time on a date or making all sorts of promises?
Because they’re Mr/Miss Good Time. They’d rather give us a great time in the moment so that they feel OK about what they do next—disappear.
If they bail when it all feels a bit too ‘real’, that’s their trigger. It could be hours, days, weeks, or even a few months. But once the ‘challenge’ of ‘getting’ us is over and so they no longer feel out of control, desire wanes.
In this illusionary world where we tippy-tap away with strangers, possibly for quite some time before we meet face-to-face, we do also have to pose the question: Is it ghosting if we haven’t met the person?
Certainly, in terms of romantic liaisons, it’s got to be a no. I hear from folks who didn’t hear back from a prospective date from Plenty of Fish or whatever. They exchanged a few messages and it seemed as if they had “so much in common”. Real talk: the person was a ghost before the contact stopped.
If we haven’t met a prospective date, we are at stage zero.
If we feel that someone we haven’t met but who we felt interested in based on a profile or exchange of messages has ‘disappeared’, it is time for us to step back and be honest with ourselves about what is really going on. Emotional responsibility dictates that we need to do our due diligence before we get emotionally invested and we have a duty of care to remain grounded.
How do we end things with someone we don’t know?
“Thanks for a nice evening, but I don’t want to pursue this further. Take care.”
“It’s been nice chatting, but I don’t want to pursue this further. Take care.”
And Diane said it so well in the comments on ghosting: “Thank you so much for the dates, but I do not feel we’re a romantic match. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!” Boom!
And we (and they) have to be adult enough to respect our own and their position. That means we can’t ‘end’ things even if it’s been brief and then lurk. But also, if we’re on the receiving end, we need to respect their position rather than demanding reasons or an ‘exit interview’. Believing that you’re owed a breakup or lengthy discussion based on one or a few dates is like thinking that you’ve bought a house after viewing it a few times or that you have the job after doing three interviews.
So, how can we avoid ghosting someone?
Act with integrity. This stops us from being someone who is fast with words and getting into people’s pants but then who ‘suddenly’ isn’t “feeling things”. Slow down. We can be responsible and horny at the same time.
Slept together or been on more than 2-3 dates? Say something instead of blanking him/her.
Said we’d call or intimated plans? Do the decent thing and let them know. Next time we won’t be so quick to run our mouth and soap people up for the sake of avoiding discomfort in the moment or to get strokes.
Stop dropping hints. Rather than ignoring texts or calls in the hopes that they get the hint, reply. If they’re still attempting to reach out even though we’ve tried to blankety-blank them, they’re not on the same page. Be direct and then leave things be.
In the early stages of dating, we have the right not to be attracted or to not want to pursue things. But, life becomes much easier when we have self-awareness and self-discipline to avoid saying/doing things driven by instant gratification and pumping up our ego. In turn, we won’t over-promise, under-deliver and then excuse ourselves from ending things decently on the basis that the person is a stranger and that we’re “not in a relationship”. Why were we saying/doing that stuff then?
OK, so how can we minimise being ghosted?
Sure, we can avoid dating altogether but what would be the point? We cannot control the uncontrollable or guarantee a decent ending. However, who we date in the first place lends the situation to being disappeared on.
Conflict avoidant people who we’ve often convinced ourselves that things are ‘perfect’ and dismissed code amber and red alerts, are big-time ghosters. ?
Staying grounded and being personally secure rather than coming from a place of, Am I about to be screwed over or abandoned? limits our involvement with ghosters. We dodge being involved with ambiguous, flashy, Fast-Forwarding, Future Faking showboating types who want to soap us up with fantasy.
If we’re not trying to escape ourselves or attempting shortcuts, we’re less attractive to these folk.
We are present so able to listen to our intuition as well as any mismatch between actions and words.
Also, we must not ghost ourselves. If we’re willing to give us up at the first whiff of romantic interest, we are conveying that we are excessively emotionally reliant on them or on the idea of being taken or chosen. That’s too much whether they’re conflict avoidant, showy or not.
Ultimately, in the early stages of dating, regardless of any assumptions, impressions, chit-chat or nudity, we can only speak for what we will do. The term ‘ghosting’ is relatively new but dodging confrontation and disappearing in dating isn’t. Be safe out there!
Also, check out ‘How to tell someone you’re not interested without ghosting’.
Your thoughts?
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I was ghosted in the most horrible way over 5years ago. This man pursued me for two years with calls, dates, texts etc. He was also over 10yrs older and I had never dated anyone that older and it has put me off for life!! I thought older meant maturity and he will take care of me and teach me about things I don’t know inspire me and be my hero and I looked up to him but to my detriment he ended up being a weak mummy’s boy in his 40’s I am British by birth but not by origin so in my culture which he was part of in order to take the relationship further f we needed to meet the parents and that was both our mothers. He used to always insist that he wanted to come to my home and bring his mother but I would hold back as I felt it was too early. However to cut the story short the day was set that he would come and I remember telling him if this is not what you want to do its ok and he reassured me no it is. So he came to my home and despite appearing to enjoy himself at my home his mother was having none of it and she was sadly threatened by me and it was the most awful experience for me and `i have met a few mums and not one has not liked me. what would happen is that we would bond but not this one! she feared `I would take her son away. Anyway the evening finished and I never ever heard from him until I contacted him late last year to get my closure from him as I also went silent for 5yrs as that is what it deserved but I needed to get some kind of closure as it was haunting me as it was a painful experience as why would he come to my home to just disappear like that! its a
reflection of him and he has major issues and it did set me free as I want to give myself freely to someone special and not be held back by the past. I am a firm believer in Karma and what goes around come around and I am sure he isn’t happy in his life it’s my feeling. He isn’t a loss to me but he had something special and true in his hands and he just disappeared.
Apart from these things.. i also feel that obsession plays a important role. Read more about this at http://theobsessionformulareviews.com/ Best, Kaushik
I always love you these regular down to earth, no blabbering on emails of life and how to deal with situations.
Thankyou for your help and knowledge on so many different matters that we regularly come across in life.
Your a star ???? xx
i’d like to know why family ghost me. i recently took a trip to visit family overseas andn reconnected with cousins who specifically asked to meet me and were pretty full but once I returned home – not a word from any of them.
Keep yourself busy. I understand exactly how you feel; excluded! Replace those feelings with mantras on making YOURSELF priority! Accept too your family has their OWN projects/ideas—whether it’s kids, spouse or what YOU should be doing encouraging yourself. They are influenced by MORE than the IDEA of writing, texting, calling or truth-be told SHARING/witnessing along with YOU your life. Love them anyway. Not to through religion on you but we’re encouraged by the WORD to leave family ALONE. If you do nothing else, face each day with JOY….say; I can do this!
Pat,
You live a better life than your cousins and they are jealous, you got away from that place and they are still there. They can only imagine the better life they think you have. That is why they do not call. They are slightly resentful but love you. But call or contact them on holidays, family reunions or special occasions and they will probably still be glad to hear from you.
I recently found myself “ghosting” because of not only an amber and RED code from the guy saying to me JUST before our ONLY phone call “that he had to SAVE” to take me to dinner. BYE without have a conversation with him PLUS I implented the NCR. Yes I see him in church and he makes sure he’s in my path as I exit the church. I say all this because I don’t believe I acted shallow in my behavior at that time or todate. During our ONLY phone call he gave the perception of HOPING I fell for a subtle lie—his AGE. He claimed to be 35; I replied I’m your age with the numbers reversed. I replied oh you’re a fibber. He claimed he was PLAYING. In my mind BYE because if I fell for that and continued with him (coffee) next I’ll add sugar to the coffee next cream and finally s donut. Then six weeks later I’m trying to get RID of s “fibber” “playing” type of WHERE is the trustworthy guy I deserve and whom I desire to MELT away from when I see him worthy of my HEART. So I fled him and now he resist me by not texting, calling or leaving a voice mail. I feel good about it and remember your post that reads “the reason they keep texting or calling is because they (YOU) keep getting (GIVING) a REPLY. So we’re not KIDS in the dating game but wolves chasing sheep wears a different LOOK at every opportunity a wolf believe they’ve found NEW prey to devour. BYE narcissist; they know what they’re doing—-preying on and trying to TRAIN someone—-I read that too on what to EXPECT from them in the FUTURE. I’m not receiving that “I have to SAVE…” BYE. He said too he could have been awarded the house from the woman he divorced and claimed he “didn’t do her like that” he “just wanted out” because she had the house before they married and how he “just wanted to get settled in his apartment.” BYE. Stay strong ladies. Most of ALL be CONTENT in yourself before you easily find yourself being TRAINED for STUPIDINESS.
I’m not even sure what you said up there…gawd
You’re okay.
Well, what I take from it is that people lie all the time, and no it is not worth pursuing someone like that – even someone in the same social circles.
What does this mean? “Also, we must not ghost ourselves because if we’re willing to give us up at the first whiff of interest from somebody, we are conveying that we are excessively emotionally reliant on them or on the idea of being taken or chosen.”
I interpret it as don’t disappear on yourself and your needs and desires at the first hint of interest from a guy. You would be ghosting yourself, disappearing on you and what you want from your life.
I don’t think I get it. I’ve never heard of ghosting but if I have a date that didn’t do it for me, I just don’t make any further contact, and when I had what I thought was a good date which results in no further contact from the date, I just figure they weren’t interested. I think a follow up call to say, “Sorry, I’m just not into you” would hurt more than no further contact.
Last year, I had dinner with an old pal and her partner, whom I’d never met.
I texted the old pal the next day said I had fun and really liked her partner. She replied that her partner thought I asked her lots of questions then ignored her answers. I replied that I was unaware of that but I was sorry if I did.
I haven’t heard a word from them since.
Sometimes, people are just too much drama to try to keep contacting. Sometimes it’s best to just shrug your shoulders and move on.
Does that make sense? It does to me, but maybe I’m an oaf. Am I?
I think that ghosting would mean that you go on a first date or second and they say to you “Yes I will call or yes I want to go out again” and then never hearing from them again. It’s saying they are interested and never hearing from them again
While I haven’t yet “gone fish” and been on a date with a person who’s totally new to me since my (very) recent divorce (I know — it’s way too soon, and way too many already-known parties vying for my affections to be arsed with it!), I tend to second Karen’s position that no further contact after one or two dates just means “this isn’t getting it done for me”, and leave it at that. In my view, the problem occurs when the two parties are not on the same page vis-à-vis the status of the relationship, i.e., one person thinks it’s more serious than the other, which is a problem of communication.
It seems to me that now in the age of social media where we face the real possibility of making a global jackass of ourselves or having one made of us based on one “overshare” or somebody with questionable motives sharing something *about* us, the stakes are higher than ever for being vulnerable. Further complicating matters is the dissolution of “traditional” gender roles and the increasingly fluid definition of relationships and families.
What urgently needs to happen is a global “reset” in which people re-learn how to communicate with each other and adjust our expectations of each other based on the world we live in NOW — not pre-automation/ pre-enlightenment/ pre-”information age” — acknowledging that relationships in this day and age are *voluntary*, i.e., no longer a necessity of archaic economic and social conditions. I know…wishful thinking! 😉
Ehhhh… I wish that were true. Cold hard reality is women are underpaid relative to men and on top of that we’re usually raising any kids. There are still a LOT of women trapped in relationships because of this. Even if he’s not mistreating you it’s still a blow to self-esteem. It might not be as much of an issue in the UK if it’s fairly easy to get assistance but in the USA it’s a big problem.
I certainly agree with you, Dana, about how it is no longer voluntary when you have children you cannot support on your own and end up trapped in a soul-draining life. That’s why I got divorced and never had nor wanted children. It is voluntary, and I opted out of all of it! Now I am trying to work out what (if any) sort of relationship I want to have going forward so that I can communicate that clearly.
Karen,
I agree when you say you’d rather not hear “sorry I’m just not into you”. I mentioned that in the previous “ghosting” article. Sometimes it hurts worse when they actually tell you. I’ve made the mistake of calling guys in the past to see what was going on when I knew DAMN WELL they were trying to ghost on me or something was wrong. Obviously those convos didn’t go well, they hurt like hell…If I could go back, I wouldn’t have called and just let them ghost me…but that’s just me. It’s all the same in the end anyway. Even if someone tells you they don’t want you, there will still be questions. You can’t win either way. Having that exact conversation is what brought me here in the first place.
Learning so much both fr the articles and the comments! Thankful for these words and finding them to be an excellent compass to better direct my mind body and soul out of harms way and better into loves embrace and empowerment even if it’s me who’s providing that. Not always easy but I think in the end run I will gain enough clarity and strength and esteem so that I can move forward with peace and good quality Self-partnering! I honestly wish this day and age was not like it was and there weren’t so many sad stories and dysfunctional people who are deceptive, unavailable, takers just out to play or prey with peoples emotions. Keep working on u people; there is only one way to go from here and thats up!
I’ve ghosted someone I’ve been on 2-3 dates with was when I came face to face with a code red alert on the 3rd date. He tried to get very physical with me so I asserted my boundaries he listened and stopped but then the night ended in me comforting him because he was crying as he felt so upset and felt I was saying he was forcing himself on me that he was a huge rapist and that he is a bad guy . I did not think any such thing I thought he was a little drunk and carried away and he stopped when I said no,but I also was uncomfortable with how far he wanted to go. I just felt it was gonna be me convincing him off of me everytime we went out and I didn’t think it was going to be very pleasant given how he reacted to it the first time. I think he didn’t want to deal with me “accusing him of being a rapist” for the next few months and I never heard from him again which suited me just fine because he was also never going to hear from me again , I can’t time and see who decided to blank who first haha. Sometimes you both know this is the end cos it’s so obvious and in that case no need for any “break up” convo for the sake of politeness especially as we are not even dating yet. I do think a proper conversation/text etc is only necessary where one person doesn’t seem to get it (either me or the guy) no matter how obvious it may seem the other party. A conversation may also be needed if the reason you want to stop contact is indeed not obvious /rational at all but you still do not want to continue the relationship which is your right. It will be a very unsatisfactory conversation for the other person cos you cannot make sense when the reason doesn’t make sense but you still have to be clear you want out cos there are no obvious circumstances that would make the other person click
Kookie,
Wow,that is very code red,attempting to force himself on you. Natalie has written an article (I can’t remember the name) about how ACs can be so skillfull at turning tables. One minute he has done something very shady to you,another second you are the one apologising and comforting them, while it is suppossed to be the otherway round. He attempts to force himself on you,cries and let you feel bad about it, then dissappears,not even an apology after sobering up? His behaviour is moronic. You deserve better.
Thank you Natalie. Great Post! I’ve been ghosted before in subtle ways by even Mr Unavailables. Seems there are too many people gaslighting, which today makes the word “ghosting” a common modus operandi: leading to many asking themselves “should I go or should I stay?” Nowadays I ask myself “what are my needs:?” Am I willing to wait forever to start living; wait in loneliness for the right one to come along? Sharing intimate moments, or enjoying outings with someone is important to me.
Between our periods of being ghosted, abandoned, or rejected there are options to still consider. Forgive me if I appear indifferent or perhaps too settled in my way of thinking; however women and men can ride the storm by accepting and enjoying their dates as guests, who may return and if they don’t there will be other guests coming for a visit, one of them will stay one day. Meanwhile I say to all “have a great time sweethearts, and don’t let any of it find you bitter, sad or desperate. Cat
Why that’s a good way of thinking and very helpful. I starting to find myself unfortunately becoming thirsty I try not to and I know what I should do not to be this way, but old hurts that keep resurfacing make it hard for me to adjust to this dating life. I keep wishing it was over and I can just find the person for me. Thanks, for your outlook it really gives me something to think about.
Cat- I love what you just wrote. After reading this post I wasn’t sure I agreed with Natalie (which would be very odd). But over the last day or two I am trying to let it all in and process her way of thinking. Perhaps I get too invested too quickly, or I expect too much, or think people are honest and respectful like I would be in that situation. And instead I need to not take dating too seriously and at the same time not give it my all too quickly. I end up disappointed and then I get down on myself and wonder what is wrong with me. But accepting that this is the world of dating now instead of fighting it may be easier. And you are right…treat them as guests and one day one of them will stay! Love it!
“..women and men can ride the storm by accepting and enjoying their dates as guests, who may return and if they don’t there will be other guests coming for a visit, one of them will stay one day.”
I LOVE that!!
Great insight. Thanks for sharing.
Two weeks ago, I went on a coffee date (date no.1) with a guy I met online who I’d been talking to for about 2 weeks. He was a born again Christian who was really easy to talk to and we would have long conversations most evenings – mainly about how previous girlfriends had taken advantage of his kindness and how much he wanted to settle and start a family soon (music to my ears! Haha).
We met one evening after work and everything was great – he seemed really keen and said he’d like to see me again on Sat.
Fast forward to Fri night where we’d been on the phone finalising arrangements for date number 2. By Sat afternoon (we were due to meet for lunch), he wasn’t replying to any of my calls or messages at all. At first I thought something was wrong as it was really out of character, but after I could see he had read my messages and was online, I realised he was “ghosting” me.
So I blocked and deleted his number and started forget all about him. I consider it to be a blessing when guys eliminate themselves from the competition. Saves me the hassle of having to do it myself.
Love this.
” I consider it to be a blessing when guys eliminate themselves from the competition. Saves me the hassle of having to do it myself.”
I need to remember that!
Glad it’s proved helpful JennyLyn 🙂
The way I see it, if they’re behaving like this so soon (and we haven’t even started dating properly or had sex), then you’re a colossal douche bag and you need to remain gone.
I know how bad it would’ve been if we’d been dating for several weeks or worse still had been sleeping together, so he saved me some emotional hurt by going MIA.
As Nat often says, we’re not responsible for other people’s behaviour – we’re just not that powerful!
Wow,trust BRversity on never ending knowledge it imparts…and yes Natalie I’m on “Plenty of fish” dating site. I had to laugh after reading that bit.First I’d say BR knowledge has helped me to politely decline 2nd dates propositions from 3 guys. Before BR I would have just gone along just because they have shown interest to want to “see me” again. Wow…long way.
I think with a current date,I have experienced ghosting,twice. Now on this one,I willingly rushed into the sack on second date,and I was not investing in a relationship. We have seen each other about 5 times since then,gone out etc and got more intimate sessions.It’s been only two months. Honestly I do not want to rush into a relationship and I do not see us having one for a lot of reasons. He,also not ready to commit,so we were both in the same page that let’s keep seeing each other,dating,having fun and agreed on respecting and considering each other’s feeling by communicating and let each other know when we wanted to end it. After 1st intense session,he tried to call me next day,I missed his call,but called back immediately,he didn’t pick up,I didn’t mind so I texted him. He didn’t respond. I texted him next day,he came back following day apologising how there was no reception where he was camping. Met 3 times after that,and there was no issue of communication,and we had great fun.We still acknowledged it was not arelationship as yet.Then we met about 10 days ago,spent a day and night at his place,went out etc,then made plans for a weekend. Then he went silent the whole day nxt day. I din’t sense anything so i texted 2 more different times,one saying hi,another confirming plans we’m made for weekend.He went silent 3 days,so I made other plans and texted him not to worry about weekend plans as I havve own plans. He apologises on how he is feeling shitty about himself and can’t enjoy anything even his job.He said sorry about going silent and said i should not think what he is feeling is a reflection on me or that it is my fault. That he is in bad place emotially and it will take about 3 weeks to sort himself out. That he’ll understand if I don’t want to be with him after silence treatment but he would like to continue being friends. I texted saying,”I know that what you are feeling, sudden silence and lack of enjoyment of your life and job is not a reflection of me. I just do not have those powers.” I continued to tell him a decency to communicate would have been great instead of just dissappearing and as if he thinks he matters so less that I wont notice him fading away after making plans. He apologised again acknowledging whatI was saying. He contacted me twice since then giving me status of how he is going. I initiated texting twice since then and he responded immediately and we ping ponged nicely for a while. Then he went silent (me too) since then,4 days now.He has been on the dating site several times and on fb,so clearly not too sick to communicate.I honestly assessed the situation and how I want to be treated and decided to delete him on the dating site; unfriend him on fb and go no contact,4 days now.I have not blocked his number but It is because I’m looking forward to giving him one of Natalie’s one liners when he tries to contact me as a fall back option. I’m suprised at myself why I’m not as hurting as I would have been in the past,and It is because I can see he’s a “hot and cold” type assclown. I guess what I’m wondering is why is it necessary for some people to just ghost you,even though like in this case it is understood that it is not a relationship? He evrn said he can take his profile down for the period we are seeing each other until we quit. What is he running away from,while i have expressely put it clear that I fo not feel pressure to be in a relationship even tbough we have had sex. And aftet all honest communication talk,and making plans. He id 46,i am 39,both mature enough. The pleasing part of me is telling me to contact him,just in case he is really sick,and end it amicably when I’m sure he is recovered. Am I nuts? I don’t know if I’m making sense but looking forward to some tough love from BR ladies and gentlemen.
Oh honey let that one go. He is full of bullshit excuses. Stop offering him the chance to give them to you. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you into accepting very little, keeping you on the hook until it is convenient for him to reach out. If he has time for FB and being on dating sites, he has time to contact you and even get together with you, so stop contacting him. He is not sick, he is a time waster. I have dealt with guys like this, he likes the attention, he likes the idea that you are interested, you are flattering his weak ego.
Afrok,
The bad news is that he has moved on. In the olden days, a guy used to say “Oh, we are breaking up, it is me, not you.” Today, where it is chic to have a therapist, a psychiatrist and to fabricate or even broadcast your emotional health related issues: today a guy who wants to bounce just says “I can’t get myself together, I have emotional health issues such as _____(fill in a psychosis). My ______(fill in past issues) stops me from having relationships, I need _____(fill in amount of weeks/months/years) to get myself together – I will call you when I sort myself out.”
He is saying this to everyone he meets, not just to you. He can’t be bothered to show up and invest in a relationship, so he just “chills it” when he thinks he will be expected to deliver on the promise of being a decent human being. By the way, the no cell phone reception on a camping trip thing: I go camping all the time, when you need to get an emergency rescue for yourself or someone else, trust and believe that you will “find” a signal when you need one.
I know you wanted to keep it light with intimacy, and I am not judging that as some people enjoy that, but he is done about it. He will next tell you he wants to be friends, and no need to block him as he won’t be calling. I speak 1000% from my own experience. The intimacy first never worked for me, as it rarely made for a relationship that would last more than a few months in truth. If he wants to call for more he can do so as you did not block him yet, but accept that his no calling IS closure and just try to forget about him for now. I think what he did was crappy, not a decent thing to do, not being responsible to your feelings, and his mother and father have mistaken raising their son for allowing him to treat women with disrespect. I guarantee you he is doing this to all women he meets now, and although you are worthy and also special, he is just a user, no reflection on what a good person you are. Hope this helps.
I agree that it is being used as an excuse in this case. However, I would respectfully add that a lot of people out there aren’t fabricating their mental illness issues and are struggling to get their needs taken seriously. What this guy (and others like him) is doing is a disservice to all the people out there who really are trying to getting their mental health needs addressed because his actions will make others less likely, in the future, to treat mental health/illness with the seriousness that it deserves.
should read: trying to *get* their mental health needs addressed. I apologize for the typo.
Freedom Tastes,
I agree with your argument about mental illness. People suffering from it are struggling to get help,and these ACs are casually using it to get in and out of girls vajays or brains. May be it is a mental illness to claim that you have mental illness whilst you don’t? I realised my ghoster had 80% women friends in his fb and most of the talks were around how he is feeling,hope hIs taking care of himself,thinking of him etc.He admitted a few of them were his exes.I got myself out of his museum.
”May be it is a mental illness to claim that you have mental illness whilst you don’t?”
I’m sorry I just broke down laughing out loud at this one. You could be right, some assclowns will say just about any f**king bullcrap!
trying to extract relationship type behaviour from a non relationship is how i lost my mind ; don’t do it. if you have to police the nuances of the combination of things you like that you have copy and pasted from relationships while conveniently cutting out the things you don’t like or that scare you about relationships, you will realize that it takes double or even triple the amount of energy that an actual relationship. you expend inordinate amounts of energy trying to force someone to share the exact same view as you as to what your non-relationship should be ; instilling rules of conduct, expectations for intimacy , which the other party correctly realizes is ridiculous because….you’re not in a relationship . what is tiring physical and mental labour to you, to reach a non-relationship “sweet spot” will merely be the hurdle the other person has to tolerate to get to the “pot of fringe benefits” that lies that the other end of whatever lecture or tantrum you’re throwing their way that day. exhausting! this is funny cos a lot of the times we justify these type of non-relationship to ourselves by claiming we don’t wanna give too much energy, ha.
AfroK….Kookie hit the nail on the head when she said “trying to extract relationship behavior for a non-relationship is EXHAUSTING”.
Your guy is not sick/busy/emotionally distraught. He is trying to keep you and your relationship hopes at bay, while still keeping the door open for sex and fun without strings.
Isn’t it funny that you keep telling yourself “this is not a relationship, even though we had sex”. When will we learn to be true to ourselves about what sex actually means to us. Some people can have sex with no emotional ties….most people can’t – male or female.
Your guy is trying to keep the booty call door open. If sex was indeed meaningless to you, you would not be dissecting his behavior, his lack of response to your texts. We fall back on etiquette when we are trying to pretend that someone’s lack of concern for us does not hurt – as in – “ It was only polite for you to respond to my call/text”. There’s no “sudden silence”. He blows hot when he wants company and sex, then he goes silent to prevent you from thinking he is really “in” your life. He does not want to be your man. He just wants to have fun with you when he is in the mood. And you are letting him string you along with all his BS explanations. If you really wanted no strings, you would not need explanations.
Get real with yourself. Stop showing up for a game you really don’t want to play.
Elgie R
Thanks for you honest insight as with other ladies in here. Yes Kookie is right on that one. I really agree with what you said that “we fall back on etiquette when we are trying to pretend that someone’s lack of concern for us does not hurt us…” Also on what you said about sex and emotions. I needed to hear it. I’m lying to myself that I was ok with and it doen’t hurt. At the same time I’m as you said “disecting his behaviour” by complaining about his ghosting.I actually can not have sex without emotions involved. And from when we met,it was for the purspose of dating with a possibility of a relationship. On his profile he has stated he is “actively looking for a relationship” same as I am. If he stated “casual arrangements” i would not give him time of day. After starting having sex and him backtracking on potential relationship front,that is where my pretending that I’m ok with continuing seeing each other and see how it unfolds. I think it is what Natalie call “justfying zone.” I’m busy allowing him to use me hoping he will see my worth. Easier that way than pulling my knickers up and admit to myself that I’ve been corned. Thank you Elgie for ripping apart that faced of “i knew we are not in a relationship but ok to have sex.” I’ll stop lying to myself. And if at all he comes out his AC cave and contact me for booty I’ll member what you said, “Stop showing up for a game you really don’t want to play.” Thank you. I have actually allowed to feel the hurt I’ve been avoiding to feel,and anger. Ready to move on.I havent reached out to him since 5th Feb and I won’t. Unless ofcourse to blast him with one of BR quotes when he gets out of his AC cave to ask for booty call.
I think ghosting is rude as hell. I was ghosted recently by a man I was interested I should have known he came on super strong based on some common ground we had and was very complimentary during the two dates we had. I think part of the reason ghosting can be painful is that it is so easy to make contact with somebody in a variety of modalities and requires so little effort that when somebody does not make the effort we notice instantly. And because it is so easy to text/email/FB/whatever, we have become primed to expect instant communication.
I have come to really distrust extensive texting in any kind of romantic relationship or potential relationship. I think it creates fake intimacy which then leads to confusion when somebody does the ghost or the fade. It is easy to think somebody is “into you” when they string together a bunch of sentences but for many people it is just a game and an ego boost, a way to pass a boring moment not to create any kind of bond.
The reality is the man who ghosted on me did me a favor ( at least I was not stupid enough to have sex with him, I was very attracted ) he showed me who he was early on. If he was to pop back in, I would ignore him. I am not going to lie and say my feelings were not hurt but I hope I use it as a lesson in the future on how to treat others. While I don’t think he owed me a lengthy explanation and I would not owe somebody the same, a simple, “Thanks but I don’t think we’re compatible/matched/whatever, I have enjoyed meeting you” would do. Sadly, I think ghosting is a permanent thing and probably always was we just notice it more immediately now. And it can be hard to process if you happen like me to be on the more sensitive side, that is my burden though not something I expect others to carry.
The reality is people will do anything to avoid feeling bad about themselves and online dating offers the illusion that there is always somebody available on the assembly line whether that is actually true or not. People are masters of avoidance. I was at the gym last night and realized half the people there were going through the motions of working out while glued to their phones. I know I often struggle with being “in the moment” with my life but it is absolutely certain that people who cannot be present for things are crappy dating partners and even older people ( 40/50 plus) seem to be less and less engaged in their lives and more and more distracted by the same things we claim younger people are. Once you are easily distracted, once you are numb to being present in anything, ghosting on others is so much easier.
I myself have been guilty of ghosting after 1-2 dates. They were super desperate/needy and two cases, downright frightening and did become stalkers. This was long before I got my BR smarts and just didn’t know how to handle the situation. No amount of explaining was going to fix these situations and a phone message was going to lead to demands for an explanation. I didn’t feel good about doing so but especially with the scary ones, never wanted to see/hear from them again. There’s just no kind way to say “You’re mentally ill/crazy/seem potentially violent” I too was ghosted after many months in a relationship, and numerous times on-line. I agree that extended texting without meeting right away is a huge contributor to this because you expect the person to be something they usually are not or they unfold into someone very unsuitable. The reality of the person hits hard. Since then, I make sure that I only date those that live nowhere near me so I can give them a “sorry, not interested” and not be worried about problems showing up on the doorstep. I am just too vulnerable living alone at the edge of a very small town where everyone knows where you live, work, etc.
Paula,Adele,Freedom Tastes,Kookie,Noquay and everyone:
Thank you much ladies for telling it as it is. Even reading my post again I see how ridiculous it sounds as Kookie says “trying to extract relationship behaviour from non relationship.” I agree,It is more tiring and senseless. Sorry you went through that too Kookie and are here sharing and helping.
Paula-I like what you said that he is full of bullshit excuses and that “don’t give him a chance to give them to you.” I agree and I won’t. I will remember not to “flatter his weak ego.” You said it better. He is insecure too and i have noticed a few times he has tried to put me down,thanks to BR shield I’ve pushed back a few times.
Adele-I like how you started with “the bad news is that he has moved on” ha! And “no need to block him…he won’t calling.” True,he is not and as you say he might be giving it a chil after the intensity of contacts just to pick up from where he left at. I pray to the Gods of BR to let him make contact so I can just put him in his ass clownery place. And like you saying same thing to other women hence the “It will take about 3 weeks to recover.” May be he has lined us up on 3 weeks rotation. I’ve actually evaluated that we are on different pages on values. Last time,a few hours before we parted he sounded like he really wanted to offend me. He went into a rant calling Indigenous people of Australia “barbaric” and that “we needed to civilise them…” etc. Then apologising to me going “sorry if this offends you since you are a native.” I stood up to him and we had a bit of heated exchange which he wasn’t happy about. I told him to “check your history as you sound like you have a crew of your origins.” Also that he’s got his terms “barbaric” and “civilisation” confused. Later he was obviously feeling bad and was bactracking and apologising for insensitive views. Writing it out,I also shared it with my friend,make me actually not give a shit that he is ghosting me. He should stay where ghosters belong,in te darkness.
Afrok – if you’re a woman of African origin as your name/previous post suggests (I am too), you should consider yourself lucky to be rid of this heinous individual. So he’s happy to sleep with a “native” but considers them “barbaric”? I’m glad you gave him sh*t for that cos I would’ve been livid!
He’s deceitful, bigoted and gives zero f**ks about your feelings or welfare. Anyone who can make comments like that about indigenous people to your face is not worth knowing.
Like you, I was on POF up until last week and my only advice if you’re going to continue to use this site, is to be way more selective about who you entertain and to avoid sleeping with them until you feel certain that they’re the type of guy you see yourself being in a relationship with.
I’m glad he revealed his ugliness to you! Makes the job of moving on without them so much easier. 🙂
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for your words of support. Yes I’m from African background. I’m glad someone think It’s not ok for him to use those terms on another person because a few times I have thought may be I’m being hypersensitive and I’m just projecting my anger of being ghosted. I’m so ashamed that after his references of “native” and “barbaric” I actually was going to see him again If he did not ghost me. Today he sent a text just like the other ladies here thought he will,asking “Hi K,how is life?xx”. I have not responded yet. I think he was hoping for valentine shag after he couldn’t score any from his list of harlem. I really want to respond,not to engage him, but to just put him in his assclownery place once and for all.
Oh and I agree on your Plenty of Fish views. So far this AC Is the closest thing to “sane” I have met,and as it turns out he might have been on meds in the initial dates. For how long were you on POF and how was your experience? I have actually read a few scary stuff and not so nice review which have now made me hyper alert,chatting with my hand hovering on delete key. Though I’ve just started seeing another guy from there,no pressure or intensity I’m used to which in the past I would have thought as boring but this time around I will exercise patience and see how it unfolds.
I have two friends who met on Plenty of Fish and are now married, happily so. Of course, I do think that they represent the extreme minority of online dating experiences.
Freedom,
Thanks for sharing positive outcomes from pof.I’ll tolerate and continue the search for that needle in a haystack until my subscription ends in a few months because my experience have been what i have shared,several one off because I declined second dates for compatibility issues including a particulary very scary experience. Will see how the current one unfolds as it is so far one unusual for me due to slow pace.
Sorry a few typos,doing it from my tin phone. I meant:
– like you said,he is saying the same thing to other women.
-You don’t have a crew
-Backtracking
Paula,
Sorry about your experience with that ghoster. The extensive texting thing was what I fell for too,by the time we met It felt like oh we knew each other for long time. Strange that in those 3 weeks of texting,not one time did we hear each other’s voice. Great that you didn’t have sex with him. I do agree with you that it is rude and does hurt. I mean this is a person you showed up for and he gave all the impressions that all was ok. Good ridance. You do sound strong and come acros as you are keeping your head high despite the hurt. Keep that up. I tend to agree that even though we do not owe each other explanations,It is basic decency to say something. It shows maturity, consideration of another persons feelings but also that you have selfrespect. As opposed to just dissappearing like you have been hijacked by aliens. Really…I don’t get it. As if another person will not notice that they met you yesterday and you future planned a,b,c.
Noquay,
I’m with you that if it is a scary,frightening and potentially violent experience it is safe practice not keep away from contacting them. However,that won’t be ghosting,assumming I’m getting the term clear. The ghosting we are on about is when ghoster have shown up,spend time together,gave the impression they are into you,make or give impression of future plans.. And theeen boom,they have dissappeared in thin air.No message to explain their dissappearance,leaving you wondering and confused.
Afrok
Nat described “ghosting” in an earlier post where someone spends months with you, claiming it was a relationship, then vanishing without warning. Being on the receiving end of that is pure hell. Ever since that happened to me, I have always been unable to 100% believe in a new relationship. Theres always some part of me trying to protect myself, not invest too much. There is the more common “evaporating” after a few dates which is what I did. I still felt bad about what I did but my gut was screaming “get away”. Ghosting occurs in both short and long time spans. Ghosting in any form is rude yet on many blogs, is considered acceptable behavior. I do think that folk repeatedly being ghosted right away need to take a good look at themselves, what they’re saying, how they’re behaving on first dates. Its not our job to tell folk about themselves. On line, if folk string out the texting, don’t wish to talk on the phone, meet up right away if possible, that is setting up a situation where that person will likely vanish without warning. Sometimes on line I prefer when dudes vanish. Lets me unambiguously know where I stand. My dating season is only three months long due to running a farm, fixing up a house totally solo, plus working full time in a place where winter driving is dangerous. I dont want folk wasting my time. My highly active, non- conventional lifestyle is not for the sedentary and convenience oriented. Now, I at least give an “I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work” message, then block them. Hopefully Nats next post will be on the slow fade which is more insidious.
Noquay,
Thanks for sharing your experience. Being with someone in a relatinship for several months and they vanish,is just cruel. Not to mention others experience of being ghosted after several years with ghosters. I feel lije what you said too,hard to trust and am afraid of deeping my whole feet in the relationship. Being guarded, and because I’m expecting things to fail I don’t let go and allow myself to be vulnerable to shelter myself from the hurt. Amazing how these bad relationships leave scars so that even when you have moved on from the actual AC, the deep seated remnants of their shit still come out floating and smear our way of engaging in what in some occassions we would never know if they would have turned into mutually fullfilling relationships if we fully showed up emotionally.I’ve read your previous posts about where you live and the fact that it is a small community where everyone knows everyone,so I completely second the ghostingto stay away from the psychos. All the best.
Afrok, that is correct. It’s the case where you’ve dated a man, ranging from a few dates to months, and then they disappear with no word! They just go Poof! It happens so often in the real world, it’s become a common epidemic. And like Noquay said, it’s awful when you were in contact with the guy for months, thought there was a relationship and then he just disappears into thin air with no warning or life sign, and no explanation! If it’s 1-3 dates, and the guy ghosts, then it’s not that bad. But if it’s been a few months, then it’s cowardly behavior in my opinion.
Kellia,
I agree. The behavious is cowardly. I just don’t get why it is hard to say you don’t want to continue seeing each other. Since doing internet dating I’ve met a few guys on 1 date but still felt compelled to send them a text to thank them for meeting but I did not feel we are compatible and wisgec them the best. I could not just look at their requests to meet again and ignore their texts as if they not same people i just met yesterday and for a couple of weeks we have been texting or chatting back and force. And in all cases they came back appreciating honesty and wishing me well. Well except one who had code red allover him (it was scary. I still texted him to say no thanks for me and wish him well, but his reaction was full on.I blocked him and stopped to engage. And at all times I felt bad sending those texts but I felt it was still the right thing to do,give people closure,respect and consider other people’s feelings. Why is it so hard? It must be a very sad existence to have that amount of cowrdice.
We had a guy do this to us at work a few months back. It was actually quite funny because the day before he “Houdini-ed,” I actually greeted him in the parking lot while we were on our way into the building. He was all sunshine and roses about life, saying things like, “It’s a beautiful day! Great to be alive!” and I smiled at him and nodded. Cut to the next day where he hadn’t shown up for work and no one had heard from him. A week went on like this, with no call or anything from him. Finally, my boss got him on the phone and he was all, “Oh yeah, I decided to pursue other projects.” Umm….huh? That’s fine dude, but you might run that by us at some point.
I know it shouldn’t be funny, but I cracked up at the whole situation. Especially since he was so chipper the day before. Maybe I caught him plotting his “escape”? Anyway, we were full-on ghosted. The joke among us women at the office was that (our company name) should call him up and be like, “Umm….so, like, I know we haven’t heard from you, but are we still going to that wedding together…?” You know, the shit you pull when you don’t know where you stand with a guy and you still hold out hope that he’s not a complete tool. You know, “pre-BR.” 🙂
I don’t know why I shared that stupid story. But I guess it’s just to say that these guys probably pull this shite in other aspects of their life too.
By the way, a big hello and hug to you, Miss Nat. 🙂
Revolution..girrrrl,(((hugs))))how are you ?
That guy at your work is hilarious! May be that’s his full time career. Chase and negotiate new jobs/project,shows up first day all excited,enjoying beautiful day and “great to be alive!” Then aliens swoops in.Too funny. Say something? Anything? Like “I’m sorry I know I was very excited about the project but I’ve decided to pursue new project and go poof on them again..” Itmakes you wann sing “say something I’m giving up on you”(piano sound in the background).
I think I just heard my song. Sorry, couldn’t resist 🙂
Haha @ Say Something :). Good one! I thought the only way to get you to come here is singing your name loud :).
Corrections. Sorry guys. I meant;
– “…lying to myself that I was ok with it and it doean’t hurt..”
-“that is where my pretending began…”
-“..ripping apart the facade…”
-“..Comes out of his AC cave…”
-“I have actually allowed myself to feel the hurt..”
Afrok, lol for real girl!!!! Good to hear from you too! And yeah, seriously, this guy should’ve had his own exit music! And I think you’re probably onto something about his MO. It’s like flipping houses, but it’s flipping careers instead. Lol! 😉
Well, I think I just got ghosted. I was talking to a guy for a few months and we finally decided to meet. I would’ve met him sooner but I wasn’t ready to date but said he would wait which was nice. I ended up sleeping over at his house on our second meeting (no sex) and now I’m not hearing from him. It usually takes him seconds to reply to a text and now it’s taking hours, if I even get one. We’re usually texting each other all day.
Even though I’ve only met him twice, it hurts. I’m hoping he’s just having an off day or something but I don’t think that’s the case. I refuse to ask questions because the last time I did that, I heard things I didn’t want to hear. At the same time I don’t want to hear that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. So here I am wondering why this is happening…again. It’s so disappointing,I have such bad luck. When does it end?
Jay,
Here’s a question to ask yourself:
Why are you “talking to a guy for a few months” when you say “I wasn’t ready to date”?
@saysomething, good question…at the time it was just nice to talk to someone. I think it was the same for him too. We just enjoyed talking to each other, although he wanted to actually meet and that’s when I was honest with him and he understood that. I didn’t want to completely close myself off from men or anyone for that matter. If that makes sense…
Jay,
I think that guy is doing what we would be advising you to do here if the tables were turned. He is may be being kind to himself by either slowing his role and proceed with care or letting you sort yourself out without mind effing him with your indecision? Sorry if it does sound harsh but I have been there in the past myself.
If you swapped places with that guy,I’d be saying that he’s not emotionally available and he is playing mind games with you by not really wanting you but not wanting to let you go at the same time.That he is stringing you along until when it suits him.
You need to check your emotional availability not just to this guy but if you decide to start dating someone else. I think if we are not ready to date it is best to stay away from stringing people along otherwise we become ACs ourselves even if unintentional.
@Afrok, thank you for your advice and I agree. I will say this…I did notice that he hasn’t taken me on an actual date..yet. We’ve only met at his house which is an orange flag at this point. He did finally message me so I haven’t been totally ghosted yet but like you said maybe he’s stringing me along and doesn’t want to let me go yet. Or a better way to put it…hanging on to me for his own selfish reasons.
He’s a nice guy but I don’t think he actually wants a relationship from me so I’ve decided to cut him off. I’m sure if I go to his house again he’ll expect sex from me and it will be over so why not save myself more disappointment and “flush” now. Thank you ladies.
Jay,
What I was trying to say was that It does look like in this case, It’s “you” doing the stringing along for whatever reasons (and they might be good reasons to you), and that guy Is just slowing down his role (fair enough) because may be he is realising the deal is one sided and also you are giving him mixed signals aka mind -effing.
Elgie R -Spot on @ “who’s stringing who along?” I like how you have unpacked that very well in your response to Jay. I don’t want to add anything and spoil it with my ineloquence:).
@Afrok…oops yes I did read that wrong my bad. Thank you for the input. Although I agree with some of what you and Elgie are saying, I really do like this guy and I’m not stringing him along in any way. He probably thought I was in the beginning (unintentional on my part) because I was still getting over a breakup while talking to him. Then again, I was honest with him about it and was willing to wait. Right before we met it seemed like we were on the same page, wanting to meet and have a relationship.
It seems like after we met for a second time, the texting got slower as if he was pulling away. I don’t think it’s because he felt like it was one sided, just don’t think he wanted to pursue it any further. He hasn’t said anything or even hinted at another meeting so I have no idea what he’s thinking or what his reasons are. If it is about me, I wish he would say something. Even though we’ve been talking for a few months (mainly by text) I still don’t feel like I know him that well which is strange. He does know I want a relationship though. After meeting him the second time, he didn’t seem like a “relationship” type guy.
Oh and I have to add that I didn’t hear from him all day yesterday (Valentine’s Day) so that was kind of upsetting. Maybe he had other plans…
Jay, your latest posts finally helped me see how we are blind to our own dysfunction.
Jay, you don’t want this man. Not with all your heart and soul, anyway. What you want is to feel that HE really wants YOU.
Yet, because he is being more circumspect, possibly judging this situation as “not what he’s looking for”, and he’s not leaping over tall buildings to declare his love for you, you turn any time he spends NOT responding to your text as a demonstration of your lack of worth.
He’s just living his life. He’s looking for something that feels a little more mutual than what you are offering. That is his right.
It makes sense that he would not contact you on Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day carries so much emotional weight. It’s a” wanna be a couple day”. And you made yourself feel bad…even though you don’t sound like you are that into this guy.
Question – who’s stringing who along?
Good article. I came across this term ghosting on the show “Younger”. And realized that’s what happened to me.
My story similar to Hanan’s. I was dating this guy from Chicago who I later found was a total mummy’s boy. We seemed pretty serious, he wanted to meet my parents early on the dating stage, he suggested kids, marriage after a year dating I met his mum who lived on the East coast. The trip seemed like it went well. I came back to Cali and he to Illinois, a few days later he ghosted me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the mother. And not a peep from him, so I tried to text/email/phone and a few weeks later after I emailed saying how concerned my parents were that he might have fallen ill or something, he basically emails me abt sorry for worrying but that he had too much going on and that I should move on/forward coz I deserve it.
The crazy thing is fast forward 9 months later, I get a whatsapp message at crazy hour from him commenting about a review I posted on Yelp about a Chanel bag someone got for me and “that’s nice” that he hopes I’m happy with my life. Then he sends another message saying how he loves and hates me so much. And that I could relate to that and how I’m into my new men and that he won’t contact me again, that he’s not desperate but he miss and will always love me and ends with bye.
What the heck and how dare he? Should I reply or keep it moving.
Why are ppl so complex?
Cali,
I’d say ignore him. He is just poking for some attention and ego stroke. Most likely he is trying to find his way back into your life. The “love and hate you” and checking your status with your new man, It is not him caring. It is him checking if you are still holding on waiting for him after he put you on ice all this time. Probably after telling another woman to move on. He is only thinking about he,himself and him and his needs. As Natalie would say,he doesn’t deserve a steam off your pee.
If you are unable to make any date with a girl, you can make yourself attractive so they will invite you for a date. The Obsession Formula can do it easily for you. You can check it if you believe yourself.
I think with online dating, if you haven’t met yet in person and have made a plan to meet it’s fine to ghost. If you have met up and spent the night together, then you should give each other the respect and communicate after either for a second date or not. If either person ghosts after spending a night together, they probably arn’t the kind of person you want to be with if you are looking for something more serious… because as soon as something might go wrong in a relationship, that may be the way they deal with things, avoiding it, or not directly communicating and expecting you will take a hint. Now lastly, if you have already been direct and communicated to someone you are not interested, yet they continue to contact you incessantly, it is perfectly fine to ghost.
I mean, *haven’t made a plan to meet up.