When I dated back in the day, aside from not being interested in emotionally available men (cough), one of my struggles was ending relationships. Looking back, I wish I’d had a couple of handy break-up scripts.
As someone who baulked at conflict and criticism thanks to my people-pleasing habit, ‘rejecting’ people terrified me. Aside from fearing confrontation and looking ‘mean’, I also worried about whether they’d spontaneously combust into a prince as soon as I cut them loose. The result? Staying in situations long past their sell-by-date or avoiding the guy. Or hoping that they’d take the hint from my awkward behaviour.
I’m not alone in my [old] habit, and a particularly challenging area of breakups is ending relationships that aren’t, well, relationships. Think dates and brief interactions, or quite simply letting them know that you don’t reciprocate their interest.
Calling or even messaging someone can almost seem like an overreaction when all you’ve done is go on a date or few.
It can feel as if you’re giving the involvement more credence than it deserves or that you’re going to look ‘needy’ or ‘desperate’, making it oh-so-tempting to, well, disappear aka ghost.
Here’s the thing: Outside of those extreme circumstances where we need to disappear for our safety, there’s no need for disappearing/ghosting. It doesn’t help us grow, and it creates more problems than it alleviates.
Over the last fifteen years, I’ve helped many readers and clients to articulate their need and desire to express their lack of interest. I experienced a major shift in attitude when I acknowledged that I didn’t like being messed around or cut off. Funny how I’d always had a justification for my behaviour but felt affronted by theirs! I realised that I’d literally stooped to a new low when I spotted a guy whose numerous follow-up texts I’d ignored. He was standing on the opposite platform when my tube pulled in. We caught eyes and, I, um, panicked and crouched beneath the carriage window! Mortified by my behaviour, I vowed to do better.
By facing my fear and speaking up, I discovered that the sky didn’t fall down. I also came from a place of ownership – integrity, responsibility and maturity.
Ghosting isn’t necessary. With less than 20 words, we can let somebody know where they stand. The key to ending short involvements is to go easy on the detail and to come from a place of compassion and grace.
Yes, it is awkward, and yes, they might think that receiving the [brief] explanation is not warranted, but there will be others who even though they feel a little wounded in the immediacy, they’ll respect and appreciate knowing where they stand.
Here are six short scripts to help you on your way. Obviously, tweak to suit.
- I enjoyed spending time getting to know you last night/yesterday/when we went out, but I don’t feel a connection between us.
- Hi X. I had fun _______________ {e.g. at the cinema}, but I don’t see this going anywhere romantic. It was ____________ {e.g nice/lovely/great} to meet you, and take care.
- I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m feeling more of a friends connection between us, and obviously, we’re both looking for a relationship.
- I’ve enjoyed spending time with you over these last few days/dates/weeks, but after careful reflection, I don’t think that this is going to progress into a committed/long-term relationship. All the best.
- I’ve enjoyed getting to know you over these X dates, but I don’t think we’re a match.
- Hi X. Thank you for the date, but I don’t think that we should see each other again. When you __________________ {insert 1-2 line summary of what they did}, I felt really uncomfortable and I realised that we are not a match. All the best.
Some final tips:
- It’s OK to send a text/email if that was the primary mode of contact.
- If you stick to ‘connection’ or where things aren’t headed, it makes things clear without being too personal. Connection and shared direction are critical to a fledgeling relationship.
- Brevity is best. Too much detail puts people on the defensive. Texts/emails are a breeding ground for misinterpretation. Also, if they request or even demand more info, you’ve used it all up on the first message! A good rule of thumb when considering the level of detail is to ask: Who is this really for? If it’s about your self-image, you’re likely to speak from an inauthentic place.
- But sometimes a situation warrants feedback with a little detail. See script #6 which briefly communicates where things went awry.
- You’re not hurting someone’s feelings by letting them know that you no longer want to date them. The alternative: forcing yourself to spend time with them, using them to pass the time, misleading them. These create a great deal more pain.
- Remember that most people don’t expect every date or expression of interest to proceed. They do expect to be turned down.
- Be the person you seek. You can’t receive what you don’t give. Overcoming ambiguity and fear of conflict by facing these situations raises your availability.
Want some more help with figuring out how to end relationships? Check out the How To Break Up Scripts + Guide which features lots of handy scripts and tips covering short involvements, long-distance relationships, casual relationships, incompatibility, when they don’t agree and affairs.
Add to favorites
Hi Natalie!
First of all, thank you for your blog, I started reading back in 2011 when I was going through a horrible breakup with somebody worse than an EU or AC, and you and the readers’community have helped me enourmously. So, thanks, from the bottom of my heart!
I’ve come a very long way: I am happier than ever, working my dream job, and finally emotionally availlable. I’m doing counseling. I have friends, and acquaintances, and I am working on my boundaries and on being open (but not letting everybody in).
I’ve also realised what I did wrong in past relationships, especially one where I was basically running away from him and from myself the whole time, out of dread (a state my very AC ex put me in). But I don’t blame myself for it: I was going through rough times, and I forgive myself. I also reconnected with this person and we are on good terms, we care for each other, so that’s good.
I’m going on dates atm. I am ready for a relationship, and I want to live life, and not imagine it, and run away.
After a few not so good dates, last week I met a guy I liked. We have been on 3 dates so far: the positive things are that he is direct, and that I feel like I can be myself with him; that he is respectful, asks for my opinion, doesn’t push, but still shows interest, and seems to be willing to go a bit out of his comfort zone (he’s a engineer, haha, you can imagine! I’m an engineer too, but I’ve chosen a creative career, and I can ‘suspend my disbelief’ much better than him 🙂 ). He writes, and always answers my msgs quickly and nicely.
I would like to get to know him better! Now, for the negative things, or things that worry me a bit.
Our last date lasted 6 hours: we went to the beach, we chatted, we played tennis, then he suggested we go have dinner, which we did, and he payed even though I ‘made the move’ to pay myself (he has a better job than mine, though, so it might have been him being nice), and drove me home. We only kissed while in the car, in front of my door, which felt too little, to late: but it originated from my behaviour, too. I was feeling very self-conscious the whole day, quite nervous, and I am very bad at ‘asking for things’ explicitely, something I am working on. So I was keeping a distance, physically.
I think that’s OK, but I also think it might come off as cold, or insinceere. Because I do want to touch him, hug him, hold his hand, and I know that he might feel something insincere without realising what it is. I think, if we meet again, that I need to open up a bit and say something about it.
Anyhow: another thing is that he asked whether I was busy, to which I said not really, then he said he is busy this week. When we parted I asked him wehther he wanted to meet again, because the other times he had been the one asking (and I had responded half-jokingly, instead of sincerely saying ‘Yes! I’ve had a very good time!”, which is something I do when I want to hide my real feelings). He said yes, he wanted to meet again, and that he would write, but didn’t mention a day, like we did after date 1 and 2.
During the past week we wrote to each other every day, nothing ‘big’, a couple nice msgs. Yesterday he wrote, answering to a MMS I had actually sent last week but for some reason only arrived to him yesterday. I told him that was the case, because I felt disappointed that he wasn’t ‘writing firts’, but just answering me. Today, he hasn’t written yet. I am afraid that he’s ‘busy’ because he’s meeting other women, which would be fine, should be fine (we haven’t discussed this, and he doesn’t owe me anything! Nor I him). But my insecurity is boiling.
I would write, like I did last week, something little and nice, but I’m also thinking that I should let him/have him be the one who makes the move, to let go of wanting to control the situation, and navigate the insecurity, and if he ‘ghosts’ me, then good riddance. Like you, Natalie, have said over and over, online dating (that’s how we’ve met) is not for the faint of heart.
Yet in the past I’ve also been the EU one, and while inside me there is all of this turmoil, from the outside it might look like I’m playing the game – I am an attractive young woman, opinionated and strong, and a feminist, which I mentioned to him: but from how I behave in dating, it’s like I’m somebody else. Also, my worse-than-AC ex was controlling and in fact did control the narrative while we were dating, and I made myself small, tiny for him, and I don’t like it. I wanna be bold and occupy space!
What do you think? Sorry for the messy and super long comment!!
I think that it’s a good idea to step back a bit so that you can gain some objectivity. If you put things into context, don’t you think that this is a lot of angst for a man you’ve only known of for a week? It sounds like something about this situation has triggered anxiety and analysis. This might be your habit, or it might be something specific to this situation, but you need to become aware of what it is. You seem to have also lost your way a bit, and so it’s not so much a question of what or why he’s doing something, but why you are not being Misa. What you’re doing is something I call rolling out the ‘dating self’. It’s a manifestation of your beliefs, stories, associations, habits etc around dating and relationships. When someone is being authentic, there’s not a dating self. When someone is in a pattern of thinking and behaviour, so operating unconsciously, they become less than who they really are.
Ultimately, you being “bold” and occupying space isn’t contingent on him. You need to do you.
Wow, this couldn’t be more timely. Misa, you are awesome and I say take a listen to Natalie. Play a tennis match. Men always know what to do about what they want and there is nothing you can do to change that in my opinion. Remember the old addage, if you love or like someone, let them go, if they come back they were your’s (well in dating world for that few dates) if not, they never were. Focus on yourself and put him out of mind.
Thank you Natalie. I see how I’ve got myself into my past situations. I used to go into WAY too much detail and they often reacted defensively. I reasoned then that it was best not to say anything, so I went from one extreme to the other. It turns out that there’s a middle ground!
Natalie, there are ways of how to turn someone down without making it too awkward and your article gives us great tips on how to do just that!
So helpful. I have recently gotten WAY better at not ghosting and being insecure. I met a man recently and we spent an evening talking and getting to know each other but then I found out he was the brother of a NARC I dated! The next day I realized what a drama-fest that would be and I was quite honest with him and said no thank you because of your brother. Also, I heard from a friend that he was also a player and no thank you to that! When the guy called me a week later I felt fine about not answering because I had set my boundary. So proud of me! Drama avoided and I didn’t do the feeling guilty thing. I can now run into this man in our small town and it will be fine.
Brilliant and well handled. Totally the right call. It would have been super weird! And you’re right about the not feeling guilty thing. We feel guilt because we have a conscience and are empathetic, and sometimes we are too much so. Recognising this and striving to be boundaried means that we take action and liberate ourselves in the process.
Being in my late 50s I would expect that if I start seeing someone and they didn’t wish to continue that they would in the same way I would indicate that they didn’t wish to continue. That is the adult approach to dating. However manners have gone due to online dating. Ghosting isn’t acceptable in any shape or form and is the progression from blowing hot and cold. For me if a man blows cold he is history and if he ghosts then I see no reason to explain anything as that is mirorring behaviour. There will be a very short communication to say I am out because I don’t have time for games.
If you are in what you believe is a relationship then there should be a beginning, middle and end. I once went on one date and got a text from the man saying he wanted to end things before getting further involved. I looked at my phone and thought what an idiot we went on one date and there was no involvement so wtf is all this babble about. I was feeling ambivalent about him but was willing to go on a second date to confirm my initial thoughts or not.
I am on the page that I will state clearly that I want a relationship not fwb or casual dating. If that is too direct and weeds the playas out then good. Because I have serious health problems I have no intention of having my life wasted by those of my male peers who don’t know what they want but will make do with me until they find out. Nah. My feeling is if two adults like each other, you are honest from the get go, then you get on with it and see how things progress especially when middle aged. It shouldn’t be more difficult than that but dating in this day and age is like climbing Everest. Too many people are also worried that if they commit they might be missing out on something better round the corner and there is no sense of seeing things through, just bailing when humps appear in the road.
I think ghosting has always been there in some way, shape or form, but is far more prevalent thanks to onlin dating, texting etc. I think that you can have the expectation [of being notified] but at the same time, use instances of it occurring to flush ourselves out of situations without beating ourselves up about their actions.
Hi — I want to offer that I’ve had a “script” for about as long as there has been this crazy new digital world of dating — because it’s all out of sight, out of mind from the jump these days.
I find that my “script” has shortened over the years from something good like Natalie’s to something short. Really, really brief. Ranges from “don’t call me no’ mo'” to “take this number out your phone” to “great to meet you! all the best on your journey” to — “nah–bye”
Why? Because I’ve found that if the guy is the LEAST bit crazy or controlling, he cannot take even a polite “no” which the lady controls. Some of these guys, a polite ‘splanation won’t do — it’s an invitation to unleash their issues on you. And then, guess what? You have to ghost.
For my portion, in today’s world, I find this advice a little nicey girl, a little outdated. Ghosting or the shortest thing manageable is quite okay — ‘cuz really? Chances are, he only wanted to sleep with you, anyway.
So in some ways when breaking things off or turning it from romantic to maybe something like friends or just say hi if I see you around type thing you should hedge depending on how well you know them. If for sure want to cut it off it should be firm and clear.
If he is terrible no need to as you say give much consideration or explanation but also no need to be rude/inconsiderate give them kindling to their bonfire of crazy.
I am with you on don’t give people more than they deserve, but maybe match their emotional investment level.
As someone who has issues with wondering if I ruined things and second guessing myself in the past; using repeated similar phrases and getting terrible reaction assures one it was a “them” problem not a how you worded things issue.
To thine own self be true.
If being short or ghosting works for you and is true to your character, then rock on. The aim of the post isn’t to be “nice girl” as, first of all, it’s not about women. I hear from as many men who struggle with this issue as women do. Next it’s that these scripts are suggestions for people who do not want to ghost or be short etc. They don’t desire to do different because they’re trying to be pleasers or “nice girls” and “outdated”, but because what they’ve done so far is out of alignment with their values and has caused themselves (and possibly others) pain. Next it’s also about a very specific situation – short involvements. To walk away done and dusted *without* investing any further energy into the situation, literally or figuratively. On drawing the line without the aim of trying to control the other person’s behaviour, should the person try anything else, all it does is validate the fact that cutting it off was correct. What often happens is that when nothing is said and then the person is controlling, the person focuses on nothing being said or having been rude, and then opts back into the situation. Anyway, to each their own. How you do is how you do, and it doesn’t make someone else doing otherwise pathetic etc.
Try and mirror them. I still say that I will just say I’m out with no explanation if they are messing around and leave them wondering. I still believe there needs to be an end or that you let someone down politely unless they are psychotic but if pressed I will just say we obviously want different things, wish them the best so then there is no sparking of anger and face is saved. I have done this and also been clear if I’ve realised that the timing hasn’t been right for me after one date. I am maybe too honest but I’ve had men carry torches for me when there is no hope and don’t like embarassment and then having to be rude if they don’t get it.
I agree about drawing a line. It’s not to be pleasing; it’s about your integrity and what feels good and right for you. I think that it’s ultimately about being true to your character.
Agree Nat. My character is from an age when tinternet didn’t exist and I find it hard to do anything else as my values and boundaries come from that age. My communication is traditional and in that plus how I handle saying no is about respecting people and being pleasant in an adult way. I just don’t think that ghosting is required and with my values shows poor manners. Communication for me is about speaking face to face or by phone. I don’t do relationship texting which is lazy communication. Because I don’t wish to re-marry or live with a man I will be honest if I think that he is gunning for that as I am not the right woman for him and that would come at the point when talk about defining the relationship happens. That will never change for me but companionship would be good within a committed long term relationship. For me games are for teens but so many men don’t know what qualities they want in a woman, don’t even know their own values or boundaries and don’t want to miss out on the next best thing to walk by. I’ve met too many men who talk the talk but aren’t being honest and even had a man lie by omission that there was a woman in his life. I am cynical about dating and relationships now in a way I never was and I believe that the internet has a lot to answer for in regards to manners and behaviour in dating these days.
Rejecting a guy is always hard for me. Sometimes I can’t do it face to face. I often need time to think about what I’m going to say. I try to clarify my feelings and then communicate those feelings clearly and unambiguously. I might say, “You are a wonderful guy, but I’m just not feeling a connection. I think we should continue our search.” If we’ve been dating a while I may say, “You have all the qualities I’ve been looking for, but as much as I appreciate you, I just have not fallen in love. I think you and I both deserve more.”
Generally I don’t like confronting. I just ignore you. But this guy won’t stop calling and texting me.I hate it but I told myself I can’t talk until I am calm and ready or else it won’t end well. I know i have a sharp tongue. He is emmature, has an insecurities and ego issues, thinks he is a God and every women in town wants a piece of him, keeps contact with all his exes just to make sure they dont forget him, blows hot and cold. After just a week I knew I was through
Hey I just broke up with my boyfriend. We dated 3mths. We spent a lot of time together. I met his friends and family in his hometown, & he met my friends in family where I’m from. We got along well. They’re seemed to be a lot of potential, but something was missing. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong until tonight. I realized he was talking a lot about moving in together, having a family, and getting married— but not love. It was like he was ready to jump the gun into the next chapter in our lives, but Love was not a part of it. I realized he has ghosted me on dates, ignored important things in my life, and didn’t seem to be actively getting to know ME! Even though we’ve met each other’s family and friends, I realized most of his friends were married. And all the sudden I felt like the whole thing was more about him “moving on” than me. I’ve recently had to ask if he was *happy. In particular, with ME! -I shouldn’t have to ask. If he was really that happy, I’d know. Instead he ignores texts, or didn’t say anything at all. After he ghosted me on a date, I asked him to *make an effort.” -I shouldn’t have to ask that either from someone who really cared for me. Tonight, we were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. (My treat.) He started talking marriage and moving in, as usual. I told him I didn’t wanna talk about that unless we talked Love first. He completely breezed past that and changed the subject. I broke it off with him after dinner. I told him I needed Love. He admitted he wasn’t in love either. We ended respectfully. But he made a comment like he didn’t realize there was a “timeline..” As if i ended things too abruptly. But you can’t discuss marriage and family without love. So i feel i did the right thing in the end. But I’m about to turn 33 and still be single. He was cute, and he treated me well. I realize no one is perfect. Part of me wonders, did I do the right thing?
Sounds like this guy was in it for the B&B and the side benefits so you did the right thing. Besides how can someone talk the whole deal after only 3 months without love being mentioned? The red flag is the absence of love and the fact all his friends are married so he feels under pressure to hit the same state and sadly this would be with the next woman to take him on in other words he would make do to achieve what he wanted. I don’t mean that to be disrespectful to you but you had a lucky escape. Be thankful and move on.
I’ve been guilty of ghosting; in all instances, the man in question was demonstrating bizarre, frightening or unstable behavior and in three instances, I felt physically afraid. One actually attempted rape; being a direct sort, I knocked him down and got outta there post haste. The uncomfortable gray area for me only began with OLD; guys that deliberately were dishonest about their appearance or lifestyle or some combination thereof. These kinds of scripts in this posts are along the lines of what I used and I must admit; being in the process of and having considered relocating for a long time is a good, non judgmental excuse. I realize coming back to my farm single may lead to the same sorts of problems I’ve dealt with in my current, somewhat down at heels town; men who are in no way compatible thinking they “deserve” a date. Luckily, I’ll be in an isolated, heavily wooded area and will be super careful about my trips to town, 21 miles away. Always felt like I lived in the fishbowl here; a popular viewing spot overlooks my property, everyone knew where I worked and lived.
This is timely as I think I am being ghosted right now! We met a few months ago and had a connection I’d not felt in years, but he was only four months out of his marriage and going through divorce so I said I didn’t want to get involved until he was divorced and has his head sorted, he agreed he wasn’t ready for commitment. Fast forward a few months and he gets in contact, we’ve been texting a lot, hung out and got to know each other better. We had a lovely afternoon together on Monday, I text him the next morning, no reply and nothing since. If he’s conflicted, still not ready then why can’t he just say, he’s a 35 year old man. After a few weeks of things moving forward, radio silence is really not a nice feeling? I’ve never ghosted anyone, i’m a big believer in honesty.
I’m sorry to say that men in their 40’s and 50’s are practiced ghosters, reading your posts has brought it home to me that if they are EU they are never going to grow out of it !
I started seeing someone earlier this year who lives very near me, we have a lot of friends in common, and the same age 59. He works away as a Captain for a couple of weeks at a time which was ok with me. We went to dinner a few times, he cooked a couple of times and then we slept together. He took me on a short trip abroad and we had a lovely week, he looked after me and made sure I was always ok, when he needed to do some paperwork I left him in peace, and we had some lovely evenings out with dinner and exploring the area.
I knew that he had recently ended a 7 year relationship, they didn’t live together, and he had never actually married, I divorced 5 years ago. When we returned from the trip, the ex was meant to have removed her things from his house that she had there when she came for visits, and although packed up they were still there. He messaged next day and a couple of days later to say that he was sorting it out and all would be well, he was going to send her things on to her. But then went off the radar, did not return my messages or a phone call. He is now back again and has not called me, so I messaged and said perhaps we can meet for a drink or can you return my travel bag you borrowed please, but although he replied and said he would drop it in last Friday, he did not show and did not send a message. I know that he is not back with the previous lady by the way.
This is from a man that commands a ship, sails on the seven seas and keeps a whole crew of men in order (hopefully) yet shies away from any confrontation or explanations. Maybe because he never married, or perhaps that’s why he chose not to. ..It made me feel sad and rather rejected for a while because we had such a good time together, or so I thought, and kept wondering if I had done something wrong. Reading these posts have helped me see that there is a lot of it out there, they will not change, and most importantly, I shouldn’t have invested so much of myself into what I saw as a relationship, when he obviously didn’t see it as one. Called me old -fashioned, but dinner dates and cooking for you, trips away together spell dating to me, not friends with benefits…and if it’s FWB that they want then they should state that at the get go….I would say I’m pretty modern in my dress and outlook, easy going , but if that’s how most men behave then I may be staying alone in the future, which is sad as I like having someone in my life. Dating is a minefield at any age.
“if they are EU they are never going to grow out of it !”
Agree 100%. And it’s not just older men that have this problem. No one who is EU should be expected to simply grow out of it, myself included. The only way to become more available is to make a deliberate effort to do so. I think the problem with older men is that they are less likely to seek help. I listen very carefully for signs that a potential partner has or hasn’t taken responsibility for his past relationship failures and that he is committed to growing as a person and a partner. I recently ended things after two dates because the guy said he wanted a relationship to be a partnership (good!) but went on to complain that women don’t seem to want a partnership (bad!). Either he is blaming his exes for his failures or he is a poor judge of character. Either way, he wasn’t taking responsibility and I wasn’t sticking around to find out what his issues were.
As for your guy’s ex still having her stuff at his house, my advice would be to stay far away from anyone who has an ex in their life without a damn good reason. I don’t know anyone in a healthy relationship who keeps an ex around unless kids or work is involved and then they keep a respectable distance. It sounds like these two are avoiding taking that final step of separation for some reason. They have fuzzy boundaries even if they aren’t romantically or sexually involved. Fuzzy boundaries with an ex is a huge red flag that someone is EU.