Not knowing how things are going to work out drives us crazy even though none us know the finer details of how our future is going to unfold. We want it yesterday and so we expend a lot of energy trying to control things and stressing about when and if things are going to happen. We find it hard to have faith in ourselves or in life in general.
The more fear that we put behind something is ironically the further out of reach that it becomes.
Starting Baggage Reclaim (BR), meeting Em, having kids, deciding to become self-employed, getting engaged–these are all examples of the unscheduled things in my life and they have all brought me a great deal of happiness.
For example, three days before I met Em, I finished it with the presumptuous doctor, and declared to myself that I’d rather be on my own than be with somebody who wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t my most ‘together’ when I met Em, my past was far from being resolved and when it came to boundaries, I was probably still like one of the many baby animals I’ve recently watched struggling to walk in the amazing Planet Earth II. I didn’t think I’d be able to have kids, I seized on a bad moment at work to become self-employed and pursue BR full time, and I didn’t have a set idea about when we ‘should’ get married.
All of these aspects of my life were unscheduled, causing me to have to have faith and trust, because I couldn’t be controlling. I’ll tell you what’s made me stressed, anxious and miserable: when I’ve tried to force things.
It’s where I’ve got it into my head that something should have happened already because on some level, I’ve scanned through all of my deeds, all of my past hurts, experiences, ideas, beliefs, motivations etc., and determined that based on all of these, whatever I want should happen. Yep, there’s that troublesome word that invariably spells trouble.
My inner pleaser’s effectively said, ‘I’ve been a good girl! It’s not fair that things aren’t going my way!’, even though how good I am and how life is going are unrelated.
‘Should’ is rigid. It’s ‘rules’ that aren’t actual rules, and yeah, it’s ego. We forget who we are and we forget where we’ve been, our values, needs, desires etc., and we say things about us that either feed a sense of inadequacy or falsely bolster us by making out that we’re being wronged and thwarted by others that we feel that we should be the same as or better than. This veering between inferiority and superiority effectively cuts us off from our true selves and causes us to self-sabotage.
In a world where so many of us are that much more visible to others, it’s easy to look at people’s lives from the outside and determine that they have done XYZ hence we should have it too because we think that we’ve done ‘enough’ or that we’ve done ‘everything right’. It’s all too easy to compare.
- I’m as or more attractive so there’s no reason why I should be single or struggling to be in a lasting relationship.
- I have a good job, work out, own my own home and have money in the bank.
- I’ve worked really hard so I should be further along than I am and I should have had more opportunities thrown my way.
- I’ve had X bad relationships so I’m due The One now.
- I’m X age so I should have done ABC by now.
- I won’t be happy until I am more _______ or less _________ or I’ve got _____________.
Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, ‘Who said that I should be at a different place by now?’ or ‘Who said that I have failed at life/love/work because I haven’t been/done _________ yet?’
Our answer might reveal that it’s ‘everyone’ or our family or friends, or we might land on the answer that it’s no one but ourselves who is telling us this. Sometimes it’s a mix of the two but we’re the ones driving the internal narrative that’s applying the pressure.
Sometimes we’re so close to something that we lose objectivity.
We can’t see what’s going on around us. We cling, we poke, we analyse, we struggle, and it decimates our inner peace, causing disruption even to the things that we would typically enjoy. It discolours our world.
I once asked myself, ‘What’s so wrong with me that I would be singled out to never experience real love?’ The old me brought up how I’m ‘not good enough’, my absent father, the struggles I had with my mother, being assaulted, my relationship track record, my illness, maybe my race.
When I began to face my fears and experiences around these, my feelings of inadequacy shrank and I stopped judging me by virtue of my background, experiences and appearance. There are people who have been through what I have and more, who are loving and being loved.
Being more truthful and compassionate also meant that I stopped acting as if I could only use my own strength and efforts to ‘make’ everything happen around me.
As I stopped persecuting me and feeling as if I had to do all manner of painful activities to ‘get’ love, prove my worth and to get what I want in life, I was able to breathe out and trust in me first and foremost and then in life.
Feeling stressed, anxious and miserable has become a warning sign that I have stopped trusting, that I’m standing over something too much, and that I’m trying to force it.
Your schedule is not life’s schedule.
There isn’t a timetable and sometimes, we don’t get something as we pictured it but it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen at all or that it won’t show up in some way. Of course, if we’re beating ourselves up and living in the past, we do indeed ‘miss out’. I’ve spoken with so many people who held on to toxic and unfulfilling relationships in the hope of making things go their way, only to finally let go and discover that they could enjoy love, care, trust and respect with someone else who wasn’t in ‘the plan’.
Stepping back and choosing to stop resisting the truth about you, life and others, gives you back you. You have to choose and keep re-choosing because fear shows up, a lot.
It’s about accepting that you’re not the boss of everyone, that you’re not in control of other people’s feelings and behaviour, and that life doesn’t work on a brownie points system.
The desire to control is about what you think won’t happen if you’re not in control, but that’s fear talking. You don’t always know best, or at least certainly not in anything that’s fear-based. If you attempt to micromanage your life and rest your happiness on one specific outcome with one specific person, it will feel as if you’re getting screwed by life.
Surrendering doesn’t mean giving up; it means not being twisted up in fear trying to control the uncontrollable. It means being vulnerable enough to keep being you and seeing what life has to offer. It means confronting those fears and being kind to you anyway. It means recognising that there are alternatives to the way you see things. It means having an open palm instead of clenched fist attitude to life.
Your plan isn’t necessarily the plan and sometimes, your plan represents your limitations not your highest potential for your truest, most loving self.
Your thoughts?
My latest book Love, Care, Trust & Respect is out now.
Add to favorites
Such a beautiful sentiment, and so timely for me! I have been SO happy with my wonderful, emotionally available man for the better part of this year (thanks in large part to my working hard on myself and really taking lessons seriously from BR!). The times when I get anxious are the times when I start thinking too much about a timeline – when should we go on a vacation as a family (he has 2 boys, I have 1), when should we do x, or y…and letting other people’s opinions color what I feel the right ‘timing’ should be.
The truth is that we communicate very well about where we ARE right now and what we would LIKE for the future, but we’ve both agreed to go go slowly on the integrating-the-family-front and monitor and adjust as things unfold, not set deadlines. The joy of being older, already having been married, etc., is that we HAVE no timelines – we don’t want more kids, don’t necessarily want to cohabit before the kids are in college, so we’re pretty free to design our own situation! It is amazing, though, how powerful those “shoulds” can be – and a reminder not to get caught up in that, especially during this stressful holiday season – was perfect. Thank you for all you do, Natalie.
Love it! Thank you so much for your timely reminder!
New Year
Bonjour, ceci est un commentaire. Pour effacer un commentaire, connectez-vous, et affichez les commentaires de cet article. Vous trouverez alors l’option permettant de le modifier ou l’effacer.
Hello.
Thank you for another inspiring post.
It would be nice to have one whole post some time, on different ways how veering between inferiority and superiority shows up in our lives, internally and externally and how it relates to our boundaries.
So amazing and so helpful Natalie! The man I thought I was in love with (who led me on, screwed me around, treated me like garbage and now treats me with pity and disdain) is on holiday with her.
I’ve been feeling sad about him and about everything again, and particularly angry and confused about why it didn’t work out. but I also resent so much the pity that he gives off when I see him. He put me in this situation and now feels sorry for me! Ugh.
I spent the better part of today at the office (since it is a slow week) thinking about how he did me wrong, how it was supposed to work out, what he said to me to lead me into it all and all the red flags I chose to ignore along the way.
And still I go between fury about it all and sadness that things didn’t work out. This was supposed to be my turn! Everyone else has fallen in love and ended up in great relationships. And even his wife, whom he claimed is stuck up and said thinks she’s better than everyone because she grew up very wealthy, gets to be in a great relationship? And I get to be pitied? What is wrong with me that this is my fate? Ugh. It kills me.
This post is so helpful. It reminds me that we really don’t know what the future holds. Trying to stay strong and positive and remind myself again and again that this cheater is no prize. But i find it hard to keep the faith about the future of my relationships at times. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
Now, now, now Ms. Lily, hold on here just a second! You have kicked your own ass around the block the requisite number of times so you can stop now, OK? Really.
What you and Ms. N are talking about is called the Social Clock: We’re suppose to be doing certain things at certain times as our lives unfold. We see our peers appearing to be “successful,” (how ever you want to define that) and think somehow we’ve “fallen behind.” What’s really happened is Reality: Life does not unfold in a neat chronological path. Ever. It’s messy. Meandering this way and that like a river-the Grand Canyon “started” with a natural dripping facet. It was just plain old land before it’s beauty was carved and unfolded over time. Of course, in the overall picture that process is like us only on fast forward and the dripping faucet is our Lessons Leaned. Reality is like gravity: In the end, Reality always “wins.” You can fight it, rail at it, shake and shout but it ain’t gonna change-you are: You’re doing it right now even though you don’t see it or feel it.
Grief includes all those “big feelings” you wrote about: Anger, sad, hurt etc. Annndd what appears to be a bit of, well, speculation: “…his wife gets to be in a great relationship…” If this “relationship” which you think is “great” is with him?
Woman, listen to yourself:”…(he) led me on, screwed me around, treated me like garbage…etc.”Wow, what a prize this guy is! NOT! It sure as hell is NOT a “great relationship!” The guy acted like a low life sleaze bag with you-that’s who.he.is. That’s his Character. Character is who we really are as demonstrated by our patterns of behavior. It’s pretty well fixed by adulthood which is a nice way of saying, not gonna change, hit bedrock.
“Now treats me with pity..” That is completely unacceptable. Why would you even have someone like this in your life in *any* capacity? If you have to work with them, hold your head up and be a professional. Otherwise, it’s over. No, at this stage you are not “friends.” (With his “qualities” why would you want to be?!) The only way someone can dispense “pity” is if they-or you-perceive them as superior in some way to you. He can think that all he wants but you don’t HAVE to *accept his definition of who you are.*<I believe this is exactly what you're doing.
Lily, this grief stuff is just plain hard. There is one universal language that is spoken and understood everywhere on this planet-and that is the Language of Pain. No one is exempt. No one gets a free pass. No one gets to "opt out." Butcha know what? We learn more about who we are and what it means to be a fallable human being and live in this world from pain and loss than we ever do from the good times. The Lessons are hard but their impact is lifelong-and may actually save your life, just as surely as they change your life.
So you go on and grieve. You need to do this right now. But one thing I would like to see you do is take back your Identity. Understand how you got where ya got and promise yourself you won't do that to yourself again-and don't. I'm a very practical old widow broad and imma tell you something about what happens when this kind of acceptance of Reality happens: There IS someone out there for you, probably a couple "someones" at least. The time you spent with this guy is Sunk Costs aka what I call my Dummy Tax. BUT-You learned and continue to learn from this experience. "Ouch" has a way of changing to awe when you open your mind and your heart to who *you* really are-and you are more, better, smarter, and more capable than this guy. It's not that you set your sights and expectations too high, it's that you set them too low. Life is not about comparing yourself to what is actually an artificial construct of life (the Social Clock) or buy into the pretty picture these people post all over social media-that's Image Management unbridled: It's not real, OK? And you are getting a very hard Lesson in Life.
Now, please stop kicking yourself. And remember, you "gave" what you gave to this relationship freely not because you're a failure somehow, or "should have known" blaa-blaa-blaa but because sometimes Ms. Lilly, it really isn't about us. You can be the finest person in the world but if someone else is blind to your beauty (inside and out), that doesn't change your "fineness." It simply highlights their blindness.
Please take care, Ms. L. I wish you peace and comfort now and in the new year.
And I promise, "money back guaranteed,";-) the way you feel, the way your life is today is preparing you to be ready as surely as it's preparing someone(s) else to be ready when you unexpectedly bump into each other.
And you will.
Thank you so much for your post Tundra Woman. It is amazing.. I am always blown away by the wisdom and support of the people on this blog!
I do work with him, so that’s where I keep seeing him. But I have been interviewing hard to find another position and I think something is coming about very soon. So hopefully I will be leaving this workplace in the New Year.
I love all that you have to say. It’s like the truths I have to keep going back to again and again. It’s hard when I see him and he seems happy and great and like he’s living this wonderful life that he dangled in front of me. I have made a lot of progress in the past while, but have days where I just feel like shit. Especially when I see him and like I said, he treats me with disdain or with pity.
Rationally I know it’s because he’s framed the whole situation in a way that makes him feel bigger and better than he is. He wants to absolve himself of guilt and feel like he still wins; well congratulations, you have! I have tried hard to just hold my head up high and walk with dignity and pride around here, but it’s just impossible because I can’t stop being sad. And he does objectively have this great life, but for the fact that he’s an asshole.
So hopefully I will be gone from this workplace in the New Year, but I really wish I could get my *identity* and sense of self-worth back to a good place. I have some good days and then some horrible days.. I guess that’s just grief and regret. I feel like someone’s been beating me over the head for the past number of months with a huge club, but I am the one that’s doing it now and I’m the only one with the power to stop.
Anyways, I know he’s clearly not a good man and I have to keep reminding myself that and swimming towards the shore of sanity and well-being. I have done it one other time in my life with a big heartbreak, and it took awhile but eventually I got there. I know I can do this. Thank you for your support!!
Also just wanted to say Tundra Woman that I re-read your post to me a couple times and it is so insanely helpful and true. I’m printing it out and going to carry it with me in my purse and read it anytime I’m feeling bad for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully I’ll be feeling better by then, but it is nice to have this as a touchstone for when I am feeling low. There are moments when I just feel sad and lose all perspective on everything. So I’m going to take this post as my go-to for awhile while I continue to get out of this headspace.
Thank you so so much!!
And thank you, Ms. Lily. I meant every word from the bottom of my heart and experience. That guy-Little Red Rooster? If you know anything about chickens, left to their own devices there’s inevitably a cock fight so “the sun don’t shine on the same cock every day.”
But it’s still the same sun 😉
why shouldn’t she tell on him to the wife?
merry christmas, dude!
oh, and happy new year!
😉
Natalie’s latest posts seem to be speaking directly to me…talking about unresolved hurts and such…and now, your response, Tundra Woman……..well…..I am awed by how the universe works.
Tundra Woman, I too have saved your post in my “I Love ME” folder.
So many events have fused in my life…these last few days I’ve been writing to Cody a lot (Cody is the name I gave to my codependent journal book). My issues have to do with being downplayed as a child so as not to make my sister feel “less than”…to the point that today, based on the “Social Clock”, my sister would be deemed the “winner” at life. And I feel like screaming to my parents “Are you happy NOW?!”
Events in the last week made me feel like my sister is dancing on my “you are less successful than me now” grave. But her happiness at her recent successes made me acutely aware that YES, people have a right to be happy about their successes…and that includes ME. So my successes that were invalidated by my sister and Mother and Father…..I indeed had the right to feel like celebrating those successes. My achievments…I don’t need to hide them to keep from hurting somebody’s feelings. The fact that others ask me to hide them…that is THEIR issue.
I was blindsided my sister this week, I feel she was deliberately trying to hurt me, emotionally, and it stunned me. I am the little sister who always wished to be close to the older sister, but she keeps me at arms length. This latest act seemed particularly designed to rub my face in mud. I’ve cried a bit, over accepting that she wanted to hurt me in that ‘mean girl’ way. I researched sibling relationships, and stories abound about the betrayals that happen between sisters. There is a dynamic between sisters, and because of the empathy that most women possess, sisters can deliver some very strategic hurts.
I am a little sad. And I am a little mad. I’ve made a decision to not hide my light. Although I am not quite sure what that means. But from now on, whenever I find myself tempted to do a “less than” behavior, I will challenge myself to avoid playing myself down.
Oh boy. You sure nailed the genesis of what’s up here. Anytime a parent tells me “I treat my kids just the same” I (wanna dive under my desk again) pull out the Winter Coat analogy: If one of your kids needs a winter coat, do you buy one for ALL the kids? “Fair”is NOT “equal.” Wittingly or unwittingly (doesn’t matter which) parents set up this dynamic very early by creating a Scarity Economy within the family system in which Love and Approval are doled out strategically. As a result, the kids are constantly battling for these necessities (and yes, they are essential) for their growth and development. It is not “normal sibling rivalry.” It is consistently doing the “easy” thing by greasing the squeaky wheel instead of the right thing-fostering each child’s individuality. It’s not about one “needing more” or (gawdhelpus) needing “the same.” It’s about needing “different” while recognizing each child’s most basic need for Love and Approval. No, it is not always a perfect “balance” but perfection isn’t the goal: Recognition is the goal. You cut down on a lot of conflict when you become aware and change what you’re doing as a parent. I’m sorry this dynamic appears to operate in you family. It’s very painful.
I hope you can learn to shine your own light without guilt (that’s gonna require some heavy lifting) with the expectation you are going to experience a LOT of Push Back from the family. There’s no DNA exemption for creating a climate of intense jealousy/competition between the kids and later throwing up your hands and deciding “they can work it out.” We’re now back in Roman times at the coliseum with a never-ending “demonstration” of Gladiator ruthlessness with one of them hobbled “to make it fair/equal” while the parents watch from the stands like it’s entertainment-but it has nothing to do with what them.
You didn’t create this and you can’t fix it either but you can learn to shine on despite these dynamics. Many of us come from pretty awful backgrounds, but that’s not a good enough reason to continually re-create these in our own adult lives. You absolutely can evolve/Individuate from this-you’re already half way there. Just keep pushin that boulder-Sisyphus just didn’t have enough sense to get out of the way after the first time it rolled back down over him.
Best wishes!
Dear Tundra Woman,
It seems as though you were speaking to me, and not just Miss Lily. I recorded your post into my phone with my voice and exchanged my name for Lily’s name. It is a very powerful affirmation and it is salve to a wound right now.
I just wanted you to know.
Thank you,
Ahylish
Lily, My first time on this site, but your story resonates with me completely. I have been in your shoes and a year and a half later, I’m finally stepping out of the pain you still feel. I just wanted to share a few things that are helping me recover outside of the obvious of exercise, family, etc. 1) I make some time of effort everyday. I feel like the only way I am going to get out of my depression and anger about what happened to me is by moving forward. Sounds simple, right? But by moving forward, I mean I HAVE to make an effort everyday to find a way to get my head in the right place and stop the obsessive thoughts about how I was wronged by a man who cheated on me with a number of women, as well as the women, who knew I was his girlfriend, but felt their happiness trumped mine. 2) Effort led me to Meditation. I found a Kadampa Meditation Center and I am learning the tools to meditate. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without it; it’s truly been the best discovery to happen to me out of all this… I go to a meditation class weekly and not only does it give me something to look forward to, but I leave learning something new, and the people I’ve met at this center are just really smart, welcoming and kind. I’ve also started to read some books on Buddhism (and I’m not a Buddhist nor overly religious). “Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change” by Pema Chodron has helped me open my eyes on how to handle negative (anger, jealousy, depressed, anxiety, etc) thoughts when they enter your mind and how to get rid of them in a minute and a half or less – it’s incredible how it works!. I think you might benefit from reading the 1st 1-2 chapters – it’s only 129 pages, too. And the last thing I’ve learned, is 3) practicing gratitude every night. Before I fall asleep, I remind myself of 10 things that happened to me today that made me smile. For example, the sun felt good on my shoulders or my little nephew woke up and crawled into my bed and fell asleep next to me. I try to remind myself of what is in my life and NOT what is lacking.
Anyway, I don’t want to ramble, but your story is so similar to mine, that I felt compelled to share some of the things which are helping me in hopes maybe something might help you. Lots of love to you!
Absolutely, thank you for this. I am facing a custody battle with my ex, w little funds, an avoidant and passive lawyer, a forgetful mediator, and a liar ex who’s lawyer is close family; but most of all, I can’t stop beating myself up for screwing everything up by being too emotional, and not standing up for myself in the first mediation. I want so much for justice to be served, but who t.f. ever “wins” a custody case? No one wins. My whole attitude has become more pessimistic because I feel stuck even though the arrangement is affecting the kid negatively, and my ex has no problem slandering me in court paperwork. I asked for 1 thing and gave him everything else and the mediator wrote into the papers a proposal I verbally disagreed with. I didn’t catch early when I should have, signed it, can’t file anything else for 2 yrs.
I’m already feeling defeated. Atleast defeat would allow me to move on from the thing. I’d rather it be over so I can accept final feelings instead of flip flopping. I try to step away sometimes but it lurks and hits quick and harsh. I can chose to opt out and accept things as they are and let the ex’s default behavior begin again after the threat of lawyers are off the table. But it’s difficult for me to let go of the feeling of getting fucked, and taking full responsibility and trying to win some do-over justice. I feel like the ex will use his current middle of the week long distance custodial time to screw me in court in the future. Don’t trust the man, as he said he’ll go for primary custody if I take him to court. It has been so difficult to step away from this, everything is so fear based, yet also based out of love for our kid, and love for our ego 🙁 but atleast I have other things going on. Starting school back up and about to leave my job to become self employed again.
This article was exactly the thing I needed to see. I’m glad it was more introspective rather than about a.c. behavior. Good one.
I came back on here and re-read our entire conversation seeking some type of clarity…
Looks like this was almost 2 months ago…
and I probably should have listened to your initial advice instead of seeking to deter you from it.
Not really sure why i’m in a place where I can’t seem to make a decision for myself…but this isn’t a clear cut situation. We had our first date on July 29 and we have been dating ever since. He still hasn’t made things official between us so I am still single. I cut down on a lot of things…(i.e. doing his laundry, cooking, allowing our kids to spend so much time together) but even with that… I still don’t have this title. I’ve exhausted this issue with him to death overtime and he has told me countless times that we moved too fast and we need to slow things down to figure out where he starts and where I begin and I agreed. He has said that he is unsure as to why he even wants to be with me because he is unsure of whether or not this is just a casual situation since he lives with his mom and my place might just be a convenience for him. We recently almost cut ties for good about a week ago but he convinced me and himself otherwise. Said we needed to take time to date one another, get to know one another and build from there. He keeps saying that we should allow this thing to happen naturally…but yes, he reminded me that we are both single which confused me because he spends an awful amount of time with my child, has agreed to meet my friends and so forth. I’ve yet to meet any of his friends or family. We talk for hours on the phone on a consistent daily basis and when i’m not bringing up this relationship talk…we have a good time together. We seem to argue about his lack of intimacy which he feels is on both our parts. I complained about the fact he doesn’t like to kiss me and to him it’s not really a big deal but he’s trying. He felt like it wasn’t happening naturally in the beginning because he didn’t feel for me like I do for him. But why do I feel for a man who won’t commit to me? I’m thinking of waiting this out until new years day…and if he hasn’t committed by then i should leave. I’ve already spent money on gifts for both him and his child…and i’m sure he’s doing the same…but i don’t think i can go into a new year in this state. Am i wrong for putting a time limit on this? Should i be pressed for a title when everything else seems to be going well?
Hi Cycles
This is just a gut instinct response, but for what it’s worth I don’t think you should drag this situation into a new year. The new year is an artificial boundary in one way, but it does have a psychological aspect, the fresh start mentality, and this relationship sounds like a morass. It seems like the problems you mentioned before are all still in play, the kissing issue suggests a lack of chemistry…? I know that’s not everything, but it does matter. It sounds a little bit at least like you’re dragging him along and surely you deserve better? You’re close, you get along, maybe this means he is or is meant to be your friend not your lover. Whichever way things go I wish you all best over Christmas and in the coming year.
Hey Cycles,
Good to hear from you again. 🙂
From what you’ve just told us, and the fact that the matter hasn’t improved since your last comms, I’m inclined to believe that this guys isn’t serious about you and the relationship.
Any man I’m with needs to freely show me affection, and kissing is an important part of that! How can you be with someone and not want to kiss them? Surely the two of you have a sexual relationship, so I don’t understand how kissing can be omitted? That rings all kinds of alarm bells to me, and suggests he has intimacy issues.
Also, if he doesn’t know where he stands with you after 6 months of dating, he’s wasting your time. Granted you’ve cut back on the washing, ironing, cooking for him, but he’s still benefiting from your dutiful girlfriend routine. He’s still getting ‘hubby’ treatment without having made a full commitment to you!
You’re obviously aware that the current set-up doesn’t feel right, and you’re clearly unhappy about his avoidance of labels and solidifying your relationship, so my question is, why are you still holding on to him? If he’s not giving you what you need, (and your request to be given a title/status isn’t unreasonable at this stage in the game), and it clearly bothers you, then you need to accept that this is not the right man for you and keep it moving.
You’ve tried talking to him – he doesn’t want to listen, you’ve changed how you interact with him and he’s still resistant to change! I think now would be a good time to stop trying. Just stop altogether! I also agree with Eli – you don’t want to carry this situation into 2017, it’s not going to improve and you’ll only end up resentful and hurt if you continue to invest yourself in this man.
This is what he wrote to me…what would you make out of such a response? When I keep asking about where we stand?
“I know this isn’t why you’re bringing this up and this is not the reaction you expected but Maybe I do spend too much time there. Given the fact that I still have my uncertainties, maybe I should start being in your home less. I come because I like to be with you and I don’t have my own place. I come because I know you like it when I’m around. I don’t feel like you take care of me. Because I’m constantly coming out my pocket when I’m with u. I know this because when I leave I always leave with a lot less than i came with. I’m not saying you don’t do your fair share but to say you’re taking care of me is bogus. On top of that we just had the conversation about contributing in a specific manner. I agreed. I went the store for some house needs. I gave you some money to use should you go to the store for some things. I don’t want to add another element to the confusion. If we are going to work on us we are going to work on us. It kind of feels like we can’t get past this place because everyday an idea, something someone else says or does, something you read, etc. puts you in this mode where you throw so much at me most of which we’ve already decided to work on moving forward so that one day we can be there but As of right now we are not there. It’s of like (even though it isn’t your aim) like your forcing a narrative onto me that fits your personal relationship agendas and desires. What’s ironic is that it’s these types Of conversations and the frequency of them that are (without a better way to say it) part of what’s holding me back. It’s like I’m starting to feel guilty about focusing and moving within the structure of my own feelings towards us.
One day its going to be too much.
If I’m brutally honest with you Cycles, this man is full of BS and you need to dispose of him ASAP. He’s making it very clear that your relationship needs/desires are not as important as his. He’s putting himself first, which isn’t such a bad thing, but when you’re doing so at the expense of the other party (you) then it’s just plain selfish!
“I come because I like to be with you and I don’t have my own place.” AND THERE IS THE NUGGET OF TRUTH! You are a convenient hang out for him away from his mama’s house. He’s saying and doing the bear minimum, and then has the cheek to try to quantify his contribution to your relationship! Who is he trying to kid??? I’m no love expert, but I do know that when I truly like a guy, I don’t sit there saying, “well I spent this much on groceries last week, and I do this around the house for you…” – I do these things because I want to do them and because it makes my partner happy, even if I lose out in the process. He’s giving token sums of money to you in order to continue his stay in YOUR home. Fact.
“Maybe I do spend too much time there. Given the fact that I still have my uncertainties…” – If he has uncertainties, then why the hell is he playing house with you in the first place? He should continue to date you until he knows how he feels about you, so this BS excuse of him feeling confused and uncertain is just a diversion from the truth: he won’t give you the title or the relationship you want because he clearly isn’t that into you.
Why would you welcome a man into your home who has told you in no uncertain terms that he’s only hanging around to take advantage of you, your free home and the presence of your child as a playmate for his? I don’t mean to be cruel Cycles, but he’s clearly taking you for a ride.
These are not the words or actions of a man who really likes, or dare I say, loves his woman. This man is selfish, a user at best and doesn’t deserve your time or affection. Ask yourself this: would he still be hanging around if you lost your home tomorrow and had to move in with friends/relatives? I doubt it highly.
It’s time to stop ignoring the signs Cycles. He’s told you in plain English why he’s still around and why he won’t make you his bonafide partner. For goodness sake, show him the door and stop entertaining this man’s crap.
Cheers Rachel! You nailed it exactly.
Cycles, if you stay with this “man” (who is acting like a petulant boy), you will be posting here forever with the same issues + some new ones too. Run while you can. Find a decent guy, they are out there. He is not one of them.
Cycles, I know how desperately you want this relationship to be a certain way-I admire your tenacity and love your spirit and huge heart. I’m afraid you’re in a Fantasy Relationship within your own head with a guy you’re just not able to “hear” or “see” at this time. He told you (and keeps telling you) from Day 1 he did NOT want to be in a committed relationship. Full stop. It seems you feel such an overwhelming need for him to be something that you long for and are frantically trying to create-BTDT-you are parsing each interaction like a Ivy School Law grad for the fine print that will FORCE this to proceed the way you want it to. What you’re creating with this “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” (because if you don’t no one will) is resentment. And more internal frustration and fear-For both of you.
As much as I love this technology, it has drawbacks and one of them is Immediacy~85% of human behavior is non-verbal. And that’s not available on line. Ms. Nat has many excellent books, seminars, pod casts etc. you might want to take a good slow read, listen and look through, OK? And while you’re doing that it’ll help to slow down your mind a bit from the state of high anxiety where it “likes” to reside. We get into this Rut of Rumination that forecloses any other options, Yk? Because of the lack of Immediacy and the anxiety you’re experiencing I think some face to face therapy in conjunction with Ms. N’s tools would really help kickstart you in the direction where you wanna go. Is this an option you would consider?
You are such a sweetheart I just wanna reach through the screen and hug you-and visit over some tea! (My momma-bear runs rampant around you-which is *my* “stuff.”) Anyway, how ’bout some excavation work with the tools available here and a IRL therapist? Would you be open to this?
Yes, i’m open to seeing a therapist and I will have to see if this is something my insurance covers. I’m completely lost at this point… I need help.
I got Natalies books…both of them and read them both last year and the year before when I was dealing with EUM and couldn’t find a way to let go. They helped me through… a lot. I listen to all her podcasts… I think this situation is different because this is a man that was consistent and he provides and showed that he cared…so it doesn’t make sense that he could be this available but not available for a relationship. I was used to the signs…the distance, the disrespect, the lies, hot & cold, booty calls & the inconsistencies… no grey areas. This was the complete opposite and look at where we are.
I ended things yesterday. Haven’t been able to eat yet. He wrote this to me this morning:
“Just stay true to yourself. You don’t simply have to accept things. If something isn’t for you then it isn’t for you. There’s nothing wrong with letting me know how you feel. In that same breath there’s nothing wrong with me telling you how I feel. Focus more on yourself as in knowing what you want and being to assess the situation to validate you’re receiving it. You can’t change who I am and how I feel as well as I can’t change you. Compatibility shouldn’t have to be forced. I have a lot of faults in my character, this is know. It may simply mean I have some things I need to fix on my own. I’ve carried things over from my last relationship that more make me realize that I have yet to grow as man. I need to focus on self repair. Now I can want you to stick around through but I can’t make you. And apparently it’s taking a toll on your emotions. I need for you to be in a comfortable space. And it be delusional to believe you can be comfortable in this moment with me. So I just ask that you look inwardly and decide if this is too much for you. I can’t fault you in any way if it is. But we can’t keep going on like this. It’s too draining for the both of us.”
I don’t know if it’s wrong for me to stick around as a friend…or rather just here until he figures out he’s things. I’m not interested in dating anyone else for a long time. I think i’m done with all that honestly. Maybe i’m destined to be alone. But I don’t want to lose him…though if i can’t have all of him I don’t want him at all. But to be fair, he does have things he needs to work on. I mean…nobodies perfect 🙁
Cycles,
Congratulations! That’s so strong of you. Now for the hard part, staying strong. And staying away. It won’t be possible to be friends with him. Go no contact and stay that way, no matter how hard he tries to reel you back in. Go you!
I’m glad you’ve arrived at a decision which ultimately will benefit you Cycles. I’m even more pleased to see that your ex, in spite of his faults, has some degree of awareness about his own relationship behaviours, quirks, and your subsequent need to remove yourself from the situation.
That doesn’t mean you should rush head first into being friends. You need time to heal, reflect and learn to love yourself more so that men like him can never push/break your boundaries again.
I sense your anxiety and fear about the future… You’re not destined to be alone – I don’t think anybody is, but if you continue to entertain men with dubious intentions/behaviours, then that is a possibility.
Use this experience; learn and grow from it. You admit that you’ve dealt with an EUM before, so there’s a pattern here which needs to be addressed. Continue reading Nat’s books, speak to a therapist as suggested by someone earlier, occupy yourself with the things you enjoy doing. Use the time you would’ve spent with your ex, to take up a hobby, start a short course, write a book, or paint pictures – whatever it is that brings you to a happy place and makes you feel good about yourself and about life generally.
When I read your posts, I see so much of myself in you, and I really do empathise with you. I used to be (and still am to a lesser extent) longing for a man to love me and give me the kind of stable and healthy relationship I’ve always wanted (and save me from my neverending single status), but I’ve learned through many a hard lesson that no man is worth the stress, anxiety, ill health and frustration that an EUM will bring. Hell no.
When you do decide you’re ready to start dating again (and you will eventually), allow the man to woo, pursue and court you correctly. Don’t allow him to get comfortable in your home (and around your child) until you’re both certain that you’re in a loving relationship. That means no cooking his meals, doing his laundry and other ‘wifely’ duties, without letting him earn those privileges first. When you start questioning yourself, over analysing his words/actions, reading between the lines, ignoring/making excuses for red flag behaviours – then you know that’s a sign for you to take a step back and reassess the situation.
Don’t be afraid to walk alone in life… It’s better than being unhappy with the wrong person.
Cycles, I’m a long time BR reader but have never commented before today. I have to say that your guy’s messages made me so sick to my stomach I just had to comment. This guy is an intergalactic disaster! Toooo much damage, too much games, too much lies, to much waste of your precious life, of your emotions and of your very heart! That’s totally unacceptable. Like Tundra, I want to give you a BIG giant hug sweetie!! You have done the right thing! Now I have only one word (or two): NO CONTACT! It is absolutely essential that you stick to it as much as you can. It’s going to be hard, but I guarantee that it is the absolute best you can do for yourself, and I guarantee that there is no other way! The future you will thank the present you to no end for doing it. Read all the BR material you can on this topic. It will help you tremendously. What’s even better, it will help you understand why, and you will grow out of this in a way you can’t even imagine now. You can do it! Hugs to you my dear, and ALL our support!
Thanks for this Nat, I really needed to hear this today. Closing out 2016 with yet another failed romance under my belt (have been NC for a month now), and my 33rd birthday approaching fast, I’ve been feeling anything but festive. The anxiety about my future and my inability to meet the right man have been crippling me lately. Especially the whole baby thing… I’m struggling with the prospect that I may never get to be a mum. I try to remain happy/supportive for all my friends who are having babies, but more often, I just feel sad for myself – like I’m missing out.
You’re absolutely right, I need to stop trying to force life to happen on my terms and just trust that everything will happen in good time. So hard to have faith like that when you’re used to everything going pear-shaped.
This struck me because I am facing it while dealing with family issues. I keep my very dysfunctional and abusive family at arms length. Unfortunately I feel the need to deal with them to help preserve our inheritance. We have an ongoing issue with my father’s estate that has been drawn out for years. My sister is legally responsible but is telling everyone that she is not, that my brother is. I have the legal documents that state she is, but “Dad changed it.” Ummm, no, we have the same documents. Completely crazy making if you let it!!! My brother is going along with it. Okay, normally that would not bother me so much to have someone else take it over. However, he is an alcoholic with a traumatic brain injury – not the best guy to be handling your legal affairs.
My brother stopped speaking to me years ago after I took time from my contract job and drove to another state to take care of him when he was in intensive care from a drunken fall. I stayed with him, took care of him, and helped his business stay running via phone, I brought him home after 10 days. I asked him to reimburse me for my missed wages and expenses (a drop in the bucket for him/his industry). He thought it was unreasonable despite the fact that I gave up my income for that time and ensured that his income (his business) was still coming in. He will not speak to me for asking.
So guess who’s being stonewalled? They dropped an out of left field legal document bomb on me to sign “right away”. When I had some initial basic questions, my sister responded with “I don’t know” and my brother has not answered my call.
I have a background in financial services and have worked with trust attorneys on trusts and estates.
I feel like a pretty big financial situation is in the hands of two completely irrational people and I am scrambling to make some order out of the chaos.
So I initially did a lot of tossing and turning the first night and running all sorts of scenarios in my head and ways to “get around” them or through this. I was making myself sick with anxiety and worry. Then I caught myself. I recognized that I cannot control “it” or them. All my agonizing wasn’t accomplishing anything except hurting me.
I made a list of my questions. I researched the plan they had from what I could glean from the document. I researched alternatives to their plan. I let them know I had questions and would not be signing the paperwork unless or until I was satisfied that it was the best solution (it’s a no-go without me). I pray the attorney’s are great.
The ball is in their court and I cannot control what they decide to do with it, if anything. It’s a great opportunity to practice self-control. I’m getting lots of practice!
Om, I don’t know your financial situation but frankly, if I was your sister and you asked to be reimbursed after you were taking care of me, I would feel very hurt too.. it’s not nice to say the least… even if I had more money than you do …. doesn’t make it any better..
I understand where you are coming from. I had done it before for family and did not ask for reimbursement. They were not there when I needed them, but I did it anyway. I had the financial means and wanted to do it. This time, I really needed the income but did not want to just leave him there alone. No one else would step up and go. So I went. I do understand the hurt feelings. I do not agree with the way of dealing with them…or no dealing with them.
Om,
While I really get Monika’s comment, too, I’ve oh so been in your situation (currently getting myself away from a possible inheritance squabble). I’m fervently trying to get myself decent employment so as not to rely on an inheritance (even though it’s been vocally promised to me for years). I am working toward secure employment versus fighting for an inheritance that was promised to me.
That said I will not sign anything at this point, either. You know never to be bullied into that.
My dysfunctional family will have responsibility of a large estate eventually and you know what I can do? Nothing.
Also, my father (an alcoholic) would shame and scream at me for asking for money when I was starving as a teenager when he had millions.
People can be cruel and insensitive in ways we will never understand.
Our job is to practice radical self-care and self-protection.
I get called selfish and cruel all the time by actual selfishly cruel people because I value my space, boundaries, and privacy so much.
My goal is to get financially stable on my own so I can solidify my independence from a very abusive family.
Also, I have seen the horror and craze of a family member who wasted her income and became reliant on her inheritance. All I can say to anyone, NEVER put yourselves in this position. Never allow yourself to get to this place if you can help it. Our parents’ money is not our own.
Anyhow, condolences to you. And I identity with the dissension you are having to deal with in your family.
Realize (as you are), you cannot control them, you are not responsible for their bad behavior, and above all, protect yourself.
Xox hang in there. At least you have the perspective to see how things are messed up. This is worth more than gold.
Xx
SilverCloud,
It sounds like you are in a similar place, I’m sorry you are dealing with this too. Like you, I am fighting for my emotional and financial freedom/independence.
It amazes me that the people who call me selfish are the same people who readily have their hand out but will not reciprocate. I see through their BS now.
I am learning late in life about radical self-care and self-protection. I put others first and hurt me.
Thank you for the encouragement. I send the same to you with a hug! I hope the new year brings you a new, rewarding and well paying job. XOX
I am grateful for the new perspective, I’m surprised and delighted to find how much easier it makes life. It is worth more than gold!
XX Om
Om,
Wishing you a wondrous Holiday and New Year.
And I do indeed hope I’ll get that job to lead me to sweet sweet freedom from family Drama.
Hugs to you too xx
My situation took a surprising and awesome turn for the better over the last few days and I’m incredibly grateful! I received my Christmas gift of peace of mind.
Ok sorry… if you really needed your income at that time my bad.. sorry..
Thank you, Monika, I appreciate that.
You are all so right. I put an end to this madness last night though this is what he wrote to me this morning…
“Just stay true to yourself. You don’t simply have to accept things. If something isn’t for you then it isn’t for you. There’s nothing wrong with letting me know how you feel. In that same breath there’s nothing wrong with me telling you how I feel. Focus more on yourself as in knowing what you want and being to assess the situation to validate you’re receiving it. You can’t change who I am and how I feel as well as I can’t change you. Compatibility shouldn’t have to be forced. I have a lot of faults in my character, this is know. It may simply mean I have some things I need to fix on my own. I’ve carried things over from my last relationship that more make me realize that I have yet to grow as man. I need to focus on self repair. Now I can want you to stick around through but I can’t make you. And apparently it’s taking a toll on your emotions. I need for you to be in a comfortable space. And it be delusional to believe you can be comfortable in this moment with me. So I just ask that you look inwardly and decide if this is too much for you. I can’t fault you in any way if it is. But we can’t keep going on like this. It’s too draining for the both of us.”
Is it wrong for me to stick around as a friend as I wait for him to work on himself? But still date others once i’m ready to even look at another man again?
Hey Cycles,
I don’t know that I’d label it as “wrong” but I most certainly would not stick around “as a friend” while he figures his stuff out. While he sounds sincere in his confusion, he’s also very clearly unwilling at this point to take responsibility for himself and very happy to have you continue to do all the work of this relationship. His request that “you look inwardly and decide if this is too much for you. I can’t fault you in any way if it is,” is just another way of him dodging his own part in this and putting the entire decision on you. If he were participating, he would be less concerned about your looking inward and more concerned about his own behavior and journey. He would have expressed sadness at the end of the relationship, if he even sees it as such, and respectfully let you be. You do not need to continue to do the emotional heavy lifting for him; to continue to do so in the hopes that he will one day wake up and figure out what a wonderful person you are is more fantasy. And I say that as someone who’s lived and suffered from the same thing, many times. Love yourself as much as, and, if possible, more than him. Take care of you first. If one day he grows up a bit and realizes what a great person you are he will call you up and thank you, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. Men like this, in my experience, are usually able to find another woman to prop them up in all their non-committal heartbreak and inward-looking blah blah blah when someone else tires of it. Let someone else shoulder the burden, or better still, hope his next faux-relationship partner runs quickly and he takes the chance to grow up. We do others, and ourselves, no favors by continuing to coddle their refusal to take responsibility and then blame us for it. It’s tough to love without having it returned — but that just means when someone who deserves it rolls around it’s going to feel amazing. And you won’t be confused about whether they are in or out. It will happen. Have faith, read poetry, drink wine, hang with your friends even when it feels simply horrible to do it. Someone not participating in a relationship, as Natalie points out, has nothing to do with your worth and everything to do with opportunities to prove to yourself that you matter and are valuable no matter what any man says or does. And you are. Give yourself the gift of walking away and healing; take responsibility for you and only you — once the pain subsides you will be so glad you did.
This post is exactly what I needed to hear today. I would try to plan my entire life out if I could. I have excel spreadsheets with financial plan, life goals etc that I track an update. And that is great to an extent but this year, this was a lesson I really learned the hard way that not everything is going to go according to my life plan, and its probably for the best.
Because the now EU Ex that was in my plan to marry in the next year and start a family with didn’t give a damn about me. The hard part is, that he was content with the way things were because his needs were getting met so mine weren’t, so he wasn’t putting up any opposition to the arrangement we had. If I stuck to the plan, we very well could have ended up married, with children, and I would still be dissastified, and he would still be the same.
Anyway, I have learned that I can’t control everything, and that I don’t know what my future holds as far as meeting mr right and starting a family (I’m early 30’s so its always there in the back of my mind). But, I have learned that I have a great knack for bouncing back, I am resilient AF! And, I have great friends, so I’ll enjoy the journey, and stay true to myself and my core values – even if it means ditching the plan.
First off, Nat, congrats on your new book; I can’t wait to read it. This may be my favorite post yet.
A few years ago I was convinced that I was supposed to be with a certain man (absolutely convinced, even mislead by my gut perhaps); I felt he was God and I would never love anyone else. Truth be told, he was kind of a chump.
I was also convinced entirely that I was supposed to be an indie musician, I quit my job, became very broke, and, well, failed miserably.
I am now in the process of getting qualifications for a steadier job so that I do not end up homeless again.
I don’t know that I was not supposed to be with this man that crushed me, who knows maybe I was supposed to get a broken heart so that I could learn the things calling to me?
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be anymore, I just have this reality pressing that I have no family I can trust and must learn to trust and take care of myself.
I think it’s very brave you followed your dreams to be an indie musician! Even if it didn’t work out…
Learning to love and trust yourself is an ongoing process and being homeless for a time in life would’ve been a tough time to love yourself. But you’re not anymore and you should be proud you made it through, especially without family! Keep going 🙂
Silver Cloud, I loved the bit about being an indie musician.. sorry it didn’t work out..
Monika,
Aw, thank you. I really tried. God did I try. But. Who knows what the future will bring?
Also, I am a visual artist and am completing a very decent certification process so that I may work with young adults in art. I’ll finally get to use my degree!
So we’ll see what comes (:
(I chose to get into the education system as well because I decided if I can’t get exactly what I want, then I really want to help others struggling.)
I think this is my favorite post of all of BR posts put together. I believe I’m where I am right now because I refuse to let go and let life happen. Our part is to do what we can and let the rest fall into place. I’ve been sad because I’ve been seeing the people I went to high school with who have jobs that looks amazing, their own cars, great relationships and they seem so happy. I’ve been looking at me like God has a problem with me or something. But when I read this post I look at my wonderful son who is now seven months old, he is my joy and most priced achievement in my life. He is everything I’ve always wanted.
Even though his father and I are not together, that has been an issue for me as I failed to move on and let him go. But I believe I am now at that place mentally where I’m like yes he’s the father of my son but that’s where it ends.
Natalie thank you very much for BR, you have no idea how you have helped me get my confidence and self respect back. I’m still working on me but at least I have BR to help me along the way. My younger sister is glued to your posts at night soaking up all of your teachings. Thank you very much, you are a Godsent believe me.
This is a really poignant post for me. My life is NOT going to plan at all lately. I’ve lived in England for the past 8 months (I’m from Australia) and I feel like I have been failing most of the time. From barely being able to pay my rent to moving 2 weeks ago from a bad situation to being told I have to move out now and facing homelessness. I’m terrified!
Plus I feel like I have only one close friend here. But ever since he confessed to wanting more than friendship things haven’t been the same. Even though he said we’d still be friends. I feel like he’s punishing me for not reciprocating and I keep on holding on to our friendship hoping things will get better again. Sometimes they do, and then he goes back to being resentful and mean. I guess that’s the hot ‘n cold treatment, friendship-style!
I’ve thought long and hard about going back to Australia, but I’d feel like a COMPLETE failure if I did that. Plus I love my job here and I’m not sure how long it would take me to get a job back home. Probably a long time as I’d have to move back in with my mum for a while and she lives in a tiny town with limited prospects.
I also want to stay until April at least, as my mum and sister are coming over and they want to see London and to go on a big European trip with me. So I’m feeling lot’s of pressure to stay for them too.
Now it’s Christmas Eve and I’m quite lonely. I miss my family so much! Plus my landlady, who is kicking me out, is being quite nasty to me. I suppose because she wants me gone sooner rather than later.
I don’t know what to do. I feel very stuck and fearful! It’s incredibly hard to love and trust and support myself right now. I followed my dream to live in the UK and It’s definitely not going according to plan. Christmas here is very different to Australia and I love all the markets and the cold as it feels very authentic. But still I wonder if it’s all worth it? Things are so hard here right now. And not knowing the future and whether I’ll find a new place to live is driving me crazy!
I see homeless people on the streets and I worry, could that be me soon?! I know logically my family would send me money to stay in a hotel if I was desperate. But wow, the failure I’d feel again at having to rely on them for that. Ugh the shame… This is not how I planned it, not at all. I suppose it could be worse though, I could be one of those homeless people for real.
I don’t know, when you wait for things to happen ( love, marriage, having kids, buying a home) and they don’t and you get too old to have kids and it gets more and more difficult to find love, and you only have the dream of finding love…..I don’t know, but I find it more and more challenging to trust and often wonder if there is any plan in my life, beyond longing….seems like such a waste…
Sadly, I agree. I’ve tried many different ways to MAKE – rather than WAIT FOR – such things to happen, but I feel as if I’m just beating my head against a wall.
lauren,
yes, its tough to keep waiting and to stay positive whilst waiting, that is the toughest for me, i go into a disheartened state, and the try to re-recruit mt exes and we know how tgat goes. i just sent out a merry christmas wish to a guy i dated in september for 4weeks it was going great until i asked what he wants for the future and he told me he doesn’t want marriage or living together. i was so upset i coukdnt really move forward with him and then 2 months later, now, i was obbsessing about him and maybe i should have stuck in there, maybe he’d eventually change his mind, or at least we coukd be friends. so i sent him a merry christmas, how are you doing email and he respnded politely wishing me a merry christmas too, didnt ask how i am doing, or anything to continue the conversation, so that’s it, over. i am glad i sent the email, at least i know where i stand, but it still hurts. i am scared to date now, because even whe things go great, they can end instantly. it went from great to over
whatever,
I highly doubt you were made to just marry, own a home, and have kids. I’m not knocking being a housewife either (I have friends and that’s all they do and they’re wonderful at it). But. I’m sure there are so many other things you’re good at. One of my friends wanted to spend her life baking, wearing dresses, married, and raising a child. Until that opportunity came along, she had a great career in education.
In my early twenties all I wanted was marriage and kids, in my mid-twenties I wanted to be an indie musician. What happened by my thirties? I had very little success as a musician (turns out I’m a way better visual artist and art historian) and I get a huge sense of purpose from caring for my best friend — a senior rescue dog with plenty of needs I delight in meeting not limited to hugs, cuddles, fresh water, stinky (veterinary diet senior food) meals, plenty of 90s R&B (it’s her favorite), grooming, a plethora of walks, and nightly teeth brushings.
There are a lot of opportunities to find meaning in life other than kids, hubby, buying homes. For instance, hikes, work, travel, hot springs, massages, listening intently to people, hugging people you care for, rescue dogs and cats, volunteering, education, painting, handmade jewelry, drawing, 90s R&B, and so forth…
silver cloud,
yes, i have many of those other things, and its not enough a lot of the time. i want and need a loving relationship in my life and still havent managed to find it. it csn be lonely and disheartening. why have the desire if it doesnt happen in the decades i have tried
whatever,
Your longing is perfectly normal, I’d say healthy, then.
I’m sorry you have not discovered your healthy partner, yet.
whatever,
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but maybe I spoke too fast. Obsessing romantic partners (ex or possible) is not healthy.
Romance is not a necessity for humans. Love is, but like I have said, we must start with ourselves and then work toward meeting our basic needs.
Not everyone finds romance. None is entitled to it. I recommend overcoming a feeling of needing a relationship to complete you or your life.
Nat’s resources (books too) are great.
Hi Nathalie, Thank you for this great post ! Would you have any reading recommendations to further understand how to uncover and confront fears (fears of all kinds: failing, being abandoned, being worthless etc.). I have been recently aware that I was subject to a very vague but poisoning feeling of fear and I feel it could be the key to certain patterns and self sabotage. But I confess that I am a bit struggling to go deeper and identify these fear(s). I am also considering hypnose but I don’t know whether it is useful to tackle that kind of issue.
Thank you in advance, and thanks to fellow readers who might have ideas !