I’ve discovered in recent years that life is about choices and often, when we think it’s others that hold the key to our misery or happiness, it’s actually us. Often, and usually it’s when sh*tty things are happening to us or taking place around us, we don’t realise that we are constantly making choices. Instead, we avoid the responsibility of what realising this would involve and focus on the other party, often placing the blame on them.
As I have said many a time, I used to think I was having an extended run of bad luck with men and relationships, that I had a sign on my forehead that said ‘assclowns and Mr Unavailables welcome’ and that I was being and doing the best that I could be and do, so undoubtedly, I would be rewarded.
I had to face up to some harsh realities, not only when I realised that I was the only recurring character in my soap opera, but that I chased, invited, welcomed, enabled, and massaged these situations with my own mentality and behaviour, and that I was far from being and doing the best that I could. In fact…, I was sabotaging my own outcome, engaging in repeated patterns of relationship behaviour that ensured that I hadn’t a cats hope in hell of happiness, personal or otherwise, or relationship success.
Now if I look back on my past and the people I have been involved with, I can say without a doubt that they were Mr Unavailables and assclowns. If I hadn’t changed, I would still be right in describing them as such, but absolutely nothing would have changed about me and I would still be miserable, probably still be ill, and peeing my life away on jackass after jackass.
For me, it is far more important for me to be happy, alone, with someone or otherwise, than it is for me to be right, or spend my time fannying it away pining for guy’s, obsessing about the who, what, why’s and when’s, and subscribing to a negative mentality that says all men are sh*t, everything is them, I’ve got so much to give, and yada, yada, yada.
If you’re chasing assclowns and Mr Unavailables, you have poor emotional habits, poor relationship habits, and don’t really understand what having a healthy emotional connection is. Much like when we can think attention is attention, we can start thinking that as long as we tag our actions with ‘love’ and ‘care’, that makes it quality love and care.
Ultimately, if you want to spend your life being a responsibility dodger or ‘But Girl’ you can be damn sure that you will not progress. It’s very easy to have all the answers to everyone else’s problems – we can be very quick to list a litany of his faults or even tell girlfriends what their relationship issues are, because it’s easy to feel righteous and right in these situations, but can you be so introspective with yourself?
How willing are you to accept that you may never be able to ‘prove’ what you think and believe about him and extract the right answers, reaction etc from him? How willing are you to realise that being ‘right’ about men who yield poor relationships is a subjective thing? How willing are you to recognise that we choose men that reflect the negative beliefs that we have about ourselves, love, and relationships, which means that whilst we’re analysing the crap out of them and pinning the tail on the blame donkey that is them, the fact that we give these men the time of day is indicative of larger issues with ourselves?
But most importantly, do you want to be happy? Or do you want to be ‘right’? And if you do want to be happy, are you going to lie back and wait for someone else to sort that out for you, or are you actually going to get up and do something about it?
It’s all very well talking, and thinking, but that’s no substitute for being and doing.
Ultimately, if I say to you ‘Yes you’re right. He’s assclown, he doesn’t deserve you, and everything you say about him is correct’, what actual difference does that make? You may feel good for a day or a week, but what then?
Your thoughts?
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Booo I hate it that the media has created this image of the misserable, single spinster who are ‘frigid’ and ‘push away men’. Hello backlash to feminism!!
My little cousin just recently got in touch with after 4 years of no contact, to profess to me that she has finally met a boyfriend. I was surprised to hear that the only good things she was saying about him was that he buys her stuff and takes her to places … No talk about respect or kindness .. I am sure he treats her right, (I hope) but I feel her priorities are somewhat mixed up. They infact only see each other once a month because yet she is still happy … EH?? When she asked my ‘relationship status’, to which I replied single – and happy to be so – I don’t think she could fully understand that a single woman can be happy.
I remember when I used to crave the attention of a man. Seeking happiness in them. Chase men who were not interested in me. I have indeed accepted these past ACs into my life, and actively chosen to spend my time with them and thinking about them. Those were unhappy times, now that I look back, and that was only 1-2 years ago! Eugh.
Recent ACs have made me WANT to be single, so yes I am indeed happier as a singleton at this moment in time, a man is not on my priority list. 🙂
I can honestly say in the past I was one of those women who thought the very same: I’d just had bad luck meeting great guys, but after my last EUM which was my eye opening relationship I’ve realized it was indeed me who was the problem. I’m single now, and while at times it’s a struggle and tough, I realize that this is far far better than the alternative. I don’t miss the old me who put up with complete crap from EUM after EUM. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with a man ever! Not even one. I’m 26 and I realize that if I really want to meet and marry a good man then I need to get myself together and put all of my energy into getting me healthy and happy. I’ll never get answers from ex-EUM, and it really doesn’t matter what they have to say since it won’t change what has happened in the past. In fact I’m ashamed when I look back and see how I willing gobbled up crumbs from these men. I’m baking a whole loaf of bread by myself for myself and when the time is right I’ll be able to share all of that good bread with someone right. Yeah for this website! It has truly changed the way I see myself. Thank you NML.
So, I have a question that is going to seem obvious, but I can’t seem to “find” the answer.
How does “one” know when one is healthy enough to venture out into relationshipland and meet and engage with a healthy man?
There is plenty of literature about what isn’t healthy, how to spot red flags, etc., but given the fact that we tend to be attracted to assclowns, and are now aware of it . . .
Given that I am aware of my old habits, have broken them, and have stayed clear of men for almost six months. . .
I don’t think I would even know how to go about meeting someone, or if I did, how I would act or feel if I was with someone who wasn’t an assclown.
Guidance?
The final push it took for me was that I went through a period of a very self-destructive phase where I was having “fun” and “hooking-up” with random men after getting completely bombed from bars. The last one, I realized I couldn’t bare un-caring intimacy any longer and decided to really work on myself. As the healing came along with me giving myself breathing room, my rational self kicked in and realized that I was very HURT and needed to heal myself, no wonder why I was never in a healthy relationship. Like the other girls (granted I did go out on real dates, not just hook-ups) just thought it was the luck of the drawer and rationalized no wonder why I just want to hook-up and not worry about the outcomes. It was some of those hook-ups where the unavailable man tried to reel me in because he seen I didn’t expect, want or need anything but when I seen the possibility of a real relationship being able to materialize, they backed off. I am not playing victim; but I was never respected as a woman growing up or as a person and, now as I see myself in a different light I have alot of compassion for putting myself in those self-destructive situations. This site is ingenious—and I love reading all the different articles because it really gives me an understanding. I want eventually (after getting a degree) counsel those and help raise self-esteem, etc… because it truly can help you to improve all areas of our lives and once we see what we were doing to ourselves, I think that is enough to make a conscious effort never to revert back there again.
Elizabeth,
I’m not an expert, nor do I know if this is a solid answer but here is my dig at it. You know that you are ready when you are so busy content, happy and bustling with your life and passions that you actually can say “I would love to meet the right man and be in love, but I have to say my life is pretty damn great and if I never meet someone, I still will have a great life”…
It’s having the strength to know what you want, deserve and need and being able to communicate and express that. When you don’t see that your needs, wants aren’t being met, you are able to pick up and go. However if you have a happy life, you naturally will walk away from any man who doesn’t add to your happiness. You will KNOW when you are fulfilled and it is your responsibility to pursue your passions — and no not men! LOL
Hope that helped.
I empathize with you Elizabeth because I am also wondering about that issue: When do you get back into meeting and dating? It can be scary. I haven’t been on a date in over six months, but I just don’t think I’m ready to date again. I’m at a place emotionally where the men I see and met are of no interest to me. I’ve dated such inappropriate AC and EUM’s that I can literally spot them a mile away, just by hearing what they say, even how they dress, their mannerisms and gestures. Once you’ve known these men (and I know them well, indeed my father is an EUM…surprise surprise 🙂 you always know them and I’m just not interested in staring in that drama anymore. I told my self that I probably won’t go back on any dating sites b/c they attract EUM’s like flies to sh*t. So, I’ve decided to embark on a journey of self-discovery, I’ve started a regimen of daily affirmations, I regularly go out with my girlfriends, I pursue my interests and do nice things for myself, little things, like go for a massage or buy myself flowers. I guess I am loving me the way I want to be loved and hopefully the universe will reflect back to me a man who will do the same. It’s sacary b/c you don’t want to attract another EUM, but you most probaly will, you just have to hold tight to your boundries and your deal-breakers that NML discusses and move on. I don’t think anything is wrong with wanting to be in a loving, respectful, monogomous relationship, but you have to be ok with you even if that doesn’t happen. Loving yourself wholly and unconditionally has to be enough.
kissie,
how you can spot EUMs a mile away. you said that by the way they dress and talk. can you give me some tips on how you do this?
Mariposa,
One thing that NML said, was they seem way too comfortable with you in the beginning. I hope I’m getting that right?
I can personally say that that was the case with my ex but I thought we were only going to be friends-not attracted at all to him physically-so I didn’t put much thought into it.
Gaynor,
Thanks. I’m just trying to figure it out. I think I’m starting to understand somewhat. I was just wondering how you can tell from the way they talk and dress. I’m starting to be friends with a guy, but I have feeling he’s EUM by the way he acts. Right now we’re just friends, but he goes hot and cold. Some weeks he’s texting me a lot and then the next week he’ll stop and start again the following week.
Mariposa,
I think we all have these concerns due to our previous inability to detect the characteristics of these individuals.
I would go back to being too familiar in the beginning as being a sign as well as any mention of the ex, and previous bad relationship behavior.
Does he want more than a friendship? Is he dependable? Have you caught him in any lies?
I agree with the being too comfortable right away. When I look at all my past relationships they started out really hot and moved way too fast. I was finding myself in the sack with these guys way sooner than I’d set out to, and they were so quick to talk commitment and meeting the parents, etc. Now when I do meet men who are pushing things so fast I wonder if they really like me, when the truth is that in a healthy relationship men don’t move super fast. It’s all a learning experience but I’m confident in my ability to move on from the ones who are EU now and that’s a big difference from the past.
Mariposa,
I’m no authority and I think NML’s post on how to spot EUMs is a good start. In my expirience, EUMs are incredibly selfish…emotionally. They don’t give of themselves, they don’t go out of their comfort zone for you, however they will talk a lot about what they can do for you, they bombard you with all the things you want to hear, they tell you how beautiful you are, how sexy, how speical you are, how they’ve never met anyone like you. EUMs talk alot, gives loads of attention and flaterry…in the very beginning. But it’s a smoke screen, it’s used to wear down your defenses, if you have any. The one’s I’ve dealt with are usually very vain, they dress well and speak wonderfully. EUMs tend to be very elusive, there is a part of them that you just will never know. At first, you can’t get rid of them, but if you ask something of them they usually disappear. If you expect something of them, they don’t deliver. They give very little of themselves, but b/c they talk a good game you think their giving you sooo much….they’re not. Watch an EUM when you go out with them. The one’s I’ve dated, tend to keep to themsleves, they didn’t socialize and sulked most of the night, that was to make me dither around them and be at their beck and call b/c it was responsibility to make them happy ensure they had a good time, at least that is what I believed then…It’s always about EUMs in their warped minds. EUMs like to be in control and they are very manipulative. I am no expert and my sentence that you refer to was really a figure of speech, but I have been burned soooo many times by these types of men that I just have a really developed sense of what they’re about when I meet them. I just need to learn to trust that feeling and see those red flags and acknowledge them for what they are and that takes time.
Kissie,
I totally agree with the early stages with all of the flattery and attention, who would have thought it was “to wear down our defenses.” Scary!
My ex did speak very well but as far as fashion sense he had very little, so I would not want fashion sense to be used as an indicator. Sorry.
My ex was also very social and comfortable in most environments, he was quite active socially and ‘seemed’ to have a large circle of friends. His easy going and positive attitude were one of the things that were most attractive , who would have thought that behind this facade was a crap load of DRAMA!!
I think personalities and styles are going to vary considerably, I believe the most important thing is to watch their actions. If they’re not consistent in their behavior, we must move on.
I totally agree with you Gaynor, personalities and styles will differ, but how they treat you reamain the same and if that treatment is crappy, inconsistent, inconsiderate and filled with unbelievably drama…run and keep running b/c it won’t get better.
Gaynor
What were the other traits of your ex? He sounds similar to mine – wide circle of acquaintances, belonged to associations and clubs, planning get togethers with groups of people. These seem conflicting with a person who is ‘unavailable’ except that these relationships are not ‘close’. Define a bit of the drama you write about (if you want to share). Was yours a user. Did he take advantage of people – finding their strengths and calling on those to aid him in his life?
Mariposa, as has been suggested, there is a whole post on ‘how to spot emotionally unavailable men’.
Guys if you are going to comment on how to spot emotionally unavailable men, please use the appropriate post for that as indicated with the commenting guidelines.
Juju,
I will try to put it together later, as there was so much nonsense.
I’ll move it over to the other post.
krissie you are so right , makes me angry reading it well probably more how I fell for it and couldn’t see it at first ..
Don’t like reading that Im a responsibility dodger either.. truth hurts.
I believe another thing to realize is that when you have spent your life going from one EUM to another, that when you do find a good man, it is hard to know how to behave, and accept that you deserve this wonderful man. You have to do more than learn how to spot them, why you have been choosing them to begin with, but you have to feel you deserve the good ones.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..Happy St. Patrick’s Day Cheers
Ladies, how to spot and EUM has nothing to do with how they dress, talk, socialize, etc. It’s how you respond to their treatment of you. I have question for all of you… do you overanalyze every part of your lives like this? As I’ve told my sister, it’s just time to stop dwelling on what happened. The past is 5 minutes ago and while it still hurts – it’s only prolonging your healing. Sure, there’s a time to wallow but then there’s a time to do something constructive. Picking apart evey man that looks in your direction is not a healthy way to go about finding a good man.
Mike! We missed you!!! Glad to see you posting! 🙂
You know– its a process. I know it has taken me a very long time to understand that its not about them– its about us. All the validation, love, understanding, change you name it…… must first come from us. But having low self esteem… and calling it “we just care and love too much” is our downfall. I know for the longest time I wanted that validation, that understanding from my xEUM (and I work with him so I see him every day!!!) ANd let me tell you– he is an extremely attractive guy but all of a sudden (after some time and reading and the advice that NML gives on this site….) I realized that I deserve better— and that I was setttling for soo little. Ladies we need to raise our standards much much higher and not feel bad about doing it. It is empowering to keep asking ourselves “what have you done for me lately” as a means to check ourselves from time to time to ensure we are getting what we deserve (without becoming arrogant of course) because WE DO DESERVE IT!!! NML is soo right… we invite and allow these types of men and behaviours into our life (whether we do it consciously or subconsciously) because we do not value ourselves all that much and have poor relationship habits. As I become stronger– I start to see and realize that I dont want my xEUM back and that to a certain extent I ask myself…what the heck was I thinking!?!?!? And I find myself being a little tougher around men….. raising the bar….. not just falling for their words……but making them accountable to follow up with some type of action! And yeah you know what I do expect them to put a little effort into it because IM WORTH IT. What we have all done (and are doing) is giving these A** clowns too much credit for their tiny little crumbs and actions- We are saying……. “thank you soo much for this little tiny piece of you” all the while blaming them for us TAKING and ACCEPTING IT!!! And wasting our time energy and efforts into trying to change them!!! That part is not up to them!! That part is up to us!!! Would you settle for a hot dog at a restaurant if you ordered the steak? And then blame the waiter for making you eat the hot dog when you were the one that said… “oh its ok” (in our nice and polite Fallback girl way???) LOL — ok maybe a corny analogy but That is what we are doing with these men!!!! And bad relationship habits is the KEY WORD…….. if we can realize that it is not the guy (yes EUM’s do suck!!!) but that the problem actually is that we keep falling for them……than we can maybe start to move into the direction of being more aware of ourselves and who we allow into our lives. I told my sister the other day about her boyfriend: He is a candidate in line to try to be your man……. does he cut it? Does he have the credentials? Because just like many of us on here we are very smart, successful in our careers etc…. we would never even think of hiring someone to come work for us if they didnt have what we wanted/needed…. try to apply that to men as well…….. they are “candidates” for your heart……does he deserve it? Does he deserve you? Size him up that way….. no its not being mean…..its being selective because We deserve the best and most importantly– we need to be able to weed out the a**clowns from the minute they show up at our door!
Karen you are so right! I feel just like this now. I raised my bar all the way up from the ground to to where it should have always been, and it’s amazing how so many men just don’t even qualify to “apply” for my heart. I just don’t want to waste my time anymore on thinking what men are doing or going to do, but I’m spending every ounce of my energy just to get myself happy and healthy and free of ass clowns. It’s so true what NML was saying about attraction. I don’t even find these men physically attractive anymore. I bumped into my ex-EUM and he just looked so ugly to me, I stared at him in amazement as though I’d just seen him for the first time in my life! He seemed unnerved by it, but it was the first time I’d really seen him and not what I’d created in my head that he was, and what I saw was not even close to attractive to me anymore! It took me seeing him to realize that I was finally free of him and the emotional bounds I held onto in the past in regards to him. I was able to send him on his way like he was a stranger after that. I still deal with all of the emotional fallout I had, but it’s been part of me recovering from the past and the things I suffered growing up. Most of all I’ve given myself permission to forgive myself and to live my best life. I now run across nice men and they are appealing to me more and more. It’s exactly how Mike said. It’s not about how they talk, walk, dress, etc, but about how you react to them. When I meet a guy that does the classic EUM moves and I find myself drawn to them I stop myself, process it and walk the other way without a look back. These men look at me like I’m crazy, but I recognize now that dead worm on a big hook.
Have you noticed this? When women talk about their husbands/boyfriends doing something nice for them like taking care of them when they are sick or fixing something, watching the kids for a weekend, or buying them something thoughtful, the other women gush about it saying wow wow wow you have a great guy, he’s a real keeper and so on.
Is it that most men are so lacking and bad in doing nice things for their woman that it really stands out when they do?
Just wondering as usual. 🙂
Jean,
Nah, there are lots of good guys. What is extraordinary is that women notice it once in a while. (rofl, sorry!)
Jean,
The reason why woman have good husbands is because they feel good about themselves. I admire one of my friends who has gone through a very traumatic event in her childhood but she always turned out to be with great guys because she expected no less. She doesn’t sit home waiting for even her “husband” to keep her entertained, she still has her own life because face it, no one can meet all of your needs… But because she is a strong woman, he respects her as such and that would probably be the reason why they have a healthy relationship… the foundation is solid, just as NML has said over and over. If we keep putting the blame on these assclowns and EUMs we are going to be very miserable for a long time.
Gina, I don’t think you understood my post.
A woman will talk about her man doing something quiet ordinary; meaning something he should be doing anyway and other women will gush what a great guy and a keeper he is.
A guy will wash the dishes and women will gush over it like it is some amazing feat and when I women does the dishes, nobody cares or notices.
Sorry I meant quite, not quiet lol
Sorry Jean, now I understand where you are coming from!
hi. i have been involved with a young EUM for nearly two years. we play music in the same ensemble so we travel together. he has a history of a taking care of a mother with psychiatric issues, his first love breaking his heart, and general fear/avoidance of committed relationships. i was the first person he really let in after three years. yes, he chased me down. i could offer fifty billion explanations for his ambivalence, and my own, but… we all have our stories.
the pattern in our relationship is we become extremely close and intimate and when it is really good, he seems to panic and cut me off. though cutting me off is more like looking through me in my presence, and literally running away at the end of plans. but he still calls every day or writes, wants to spend time together, even when pulling a disappearing act.
he definitely communicates a vibe of “can’t commit to me can’t bear to let me go.†clearly not healthy to be in that limbo. our initial conversation a year and a half ago, about “what is going on between us?†involved him articulating concerns of wanting to be a good man to me, marriage, and babies. he is younger and worried the two latter issues were my immediate priorities. they were not. someday they will be, I explained, but I was mostly concerned with/excited about enjoying each other and making this new connection as healthy and honest as it could be.
his best friend said to me, “he’s met the girl of his dreams and he is young and terrified because he doesn’t feel ready.†our push/pull dynamic endured until he went away on a trip a year ago, came back, and he seemed very distant. we had a talk where I said, “I can really handle any hard truth, awkward confession, “you want to be single†“I am older and that is intimidatingâ€, “you have been/want to see other peopleâ€, “this isn’t working†“I am not in love with you†whatever it is, it won’t shock me, i can really handle any of it. none of those possibilities are “bad†just real. but no words at all is the most hurtful most destructive course of action and will yank our friendship up at the roots.â€
we had this exact conversation three times over the past year after several “pull me super close, push back†episodes. each time he says he is just paralyzed with confusion. that there is no simple explanation and that he wishes there were. he just feels paralyzed. he tells me the only women he has ever loved and said so are his mum, his old girlfriend and me. i do believe him.
all of our friends, loved ones, family—especially the tough love pals that I count on to tell it like it is—assess that it is a truly confusing situation to observe. that there are enormous feelings and palpable affection but also palpable fear and reservation.
ok. enough background.
the cycle, whatever it is about, needs to stop. because it is exhausting, so upsetting, and confusing to me. during the “push back†phases he started becoming extremely rude and defensive. And I enabled it and did not stand up for myself.
I allowed myself to be sucked into the ambivalence. and it made me deeply unsure of myself. I felt like a phantom and of course, I was complicit in letting myself reach that impasse. which is very upsetting. as he abandoned me, I abandoned mysef.
after his last “I’m confused…but I love you, let’s talk about this another dayâ€, one week into this new year, I decided I needed to detach from the destructive cycle. I was tired of feeling so sad and fearful of him and myself. I chose to look toward actual love and life in myself. I needed to take care of myself! no words I could say, or plans we had, etc was making any difference in the day-to-day. I couldn’t fix the situation.
as I work and travel with him in a musical group, NC is not an option. my decision was to focus on me and my time and to stop half living my life. and not try and fix this situation any more. just stop focusing on him at all. Just let go. I have been good about turning off my phone, not emailing, not reaching out, very selectively responding to texts and being cordial but not heart on sleeve in my words. I am not being cold shoulder/drama queen about it. Just trying to make some positive life decisions about me. And not in response to him (though it is, in part, but telling him so is not helpful).
in response, he actually really got his act together. clearly went through the archive of our correspondence, all the gifts I ever gave him, reflected, wrote to me a bunch about it, started reaching out to me for “datesâ€, running errands for me, gave me an unbelievable birthday gift, and generally just came around.
that was January/half of February.
then he went on a recent trip with another group, and came back….looking detached again. who knows why. confused again. met other girls. doesn’t matter. what mattered was seeing we could make progress and he could retract even after that was terrifying. because yes, hope had been creeping back again.
and so i started the process of protecting myself again. not responding to texts if they were just anecdotal (not band question), not being available. and he came around again, but I cn see he is still ambivalent.
I love him a lot. but i need and deserve more. he cannot commit. but cannot let go. i want to share my heart with someone who can commit and doesn’t want to let go of me.
Next week we have to travel together for music. Including two days at my parents house. I am scared. And hope for a calm heart in a challenging environment. Sleeping arrangements each night are particularly nerve wrecking because I already feel myself thinking “I want to sleep alone, but I want him to want to sleep with me, I worry he will not want to sleep int he same bed with me, I want to sleep in the same bed with me.â€
absurd and true. I am laughing.
I guess I am not here to ask questions. Just trying to organize and breathe before intense close time together. I know it will be confusing.
And I know regardless of his confusion, I need to be sure of myself. I want more. I want a healthy, consistent relationship with a person who can’t help but be ready for it. In the meantime I want to be the best person I can be for (and to!) myself.
Love this site..after years of what I now know were EUMS and then staying single and healing.. I am in a serious relationship with a lovely guy..I have beaten myself up and ‘relationship talked’ him to the verge of comas lol as he is the kind of guy who isn’t romantic and finds it hard to verbalise his feelings..however I think I have been over talking,over analysing,over everything becuase of my past experiences with EUMs who had lots of ‘talk’ but no substance to back it up with..my bf has the substance, I know he loves me for me, he includes me in everything,he loves being with me,we are happy together..and I am learning to live without constant reassurance he is not ‘one of them’..I am learning to just ‘be’. It’s not always easy as I sometimes crave verbal reassurance and a big ‘relationship talk’ .. old habits die hard..but his subtle ways,loyalty and always being there for me are so much more meaningful than the grand gestures,’hot’ compliments and BS from EUMs..
Isn’t it ironic that we get so used to constant drama with EUMs that when we are ready for, and get, a healthy,’normal’ relationship with a ‘normal’ guy our past EUM demons can still rear their heads..am learning the trick is to monitor ourselves long after we have recognised the legacies those damned EUMs leave us,if we let them.
Stay strong everybody xx