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Sometimes, what we miss the most about someone is who we thought we were or who we became when around them. In our mind, we became someone with possibilities. We blossomed into the most attractive version of us. And now, they’re out of our life, and we feel lost or without our oxygen supply.

It’s like, Well, I was living my best life when we were together. I felt alive, interesting, vibrant, attractive, hopeful. Surely this means that who I became is a better me than who I am without them? We hate on ourselves for ‘messing up’. It’s like, Ugh, now I’m stuck with you again. 

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Needing one, though, so that you can like yourself, so that you can have mojo, a sense of purpose, hurts.

When we feel as if we were better with someone than we are without them even if we 1) hardly knew them, 2) didn’t have healthy boundaries or 3) they at best, took advantage and at worst, abused us, too much of our self-esteem hinges on romantic interest. As a result, we’re highly likely to forgo being who we uareally are in the relationship’s crucial early stages.

No boundaries equals no intimacy, so lamenting the loss of this version of ourselves is really a lament for the fantasy. There’s a whole lotta lying to ourselves that’s taken place to accommodate this notion that this person is the key to our happiness and fulfilment. In our mind, it’s easier to say that all is lost than it is to admit that we’re not being entirely truthful about this person.

It’s also about hiding and confidence. It’s like when we form a band or partner up with someone to deliver our business vision, not because they’re the best person to do that with but because we don’t believe in ourselves.

Because of what we think is missing or ‘too much’ about us, we undervalue our essence.

We don’t believe that we or our vision are possible without someone else being the driving force, the face of things, our reason for being.

If someone gave you a glimpse of who you could be, you don’t need to wait for someone else to come along. You don’t need to try to win this person back or find someone else like them. Try to tap into what it was about this interaction, this person, that brought out this side of you. Why was it possible for you to be those things when they were around, and why isn’t it now?

There are undoubtedly people in our life who are energising, who make us want to be our best, our most authentic selves.

But here’s the all-important thing if you’re feeling a little or a lot lost without that certain someone: your amazing self already exists. It will blossom, it will evolve. This person, these people, aren’t pulling puppet strings or working magic on you. They don’t hold the keys to your happiness. This relationship was a reminder that you are possible. Please don’t forget that.

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