In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the topic of minimising ourselves and other people’s asks, expectations and behaviour. When we don’t prioritise ourselves and we also tend to rationalise other people’s malarkey as ‘not that big a deal’, we wind up with big problems.
5 key topics in this episode
- Small stuff that really isn’t that gradually adds up. It’s why we begin to experience overwhelm, resentment, anxiety, shame and more. And then we try to anaethetise ourselves against not just these feelings but the side-effects of our people pleasing, conflict avoidance and dodging confronting the truth. It’s why we might be, for instance, eating our feelings or drinking way more alchohol than usual. From there, we give ourselves a hard time for struggling without acknowledging why we are in the first place.
- Rationalising something as ‘little’ in the early stages of dating is how we find ourselves knee-deep in an unhealthy relationship. Whatever you minimise or ignore always comes back to bite. And while sometimes we downplay code amber and red alerts about the other party, it can also be us minimising ourselves into continuing to date the person. I’ll be nice and just go on one date and then I can let them down gently. OK, I’ll go to one more dinner because they paid for the first one. I’ll go back to their place this one time and then I’m done. Next thing, we’re in a relationship with them because we couldn’t figure out how to say no.
- We have what I call the Urgent Phonecall Mentality. Sure, it might literally be a call or text, but whatever it is, we drop everything and treat other people’s seeming needs, expectations and wants as emergencies. It’s as if we can’t keep anyone waiting. This is us not considering ourselves, including our priorities.
- Sometimes we call something a ‘little thing’ because we’re so focused on how it’s The Right Thing To Do or being a Good Person TM that we have to rationalise it as ‘little’ to uphold our identity.
- Pay attention to whether it’s your default to minimise your needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions as well as other people’s behaviour and its impact. You’ll know if this is you if you tend to rationalise that you’re needy/too sensitive/difficult/a drama queen, etc., or you keep telling yourself that someone had ‘good intentions’.
Links mentioned in this episode
- We’re Allowed To Have Work Boundaries (ep 220)
- Are you exceeding your bandwidth? (ep 100)
- Burning out on being there for others (ep 229)
- Feeling stressed or overwhelmed isn’t an inconvenience; it’s help (ep 159)
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Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to “please” or protect yourself from others? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.