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We don’t ask questions because we want to keep living the dream, we’re afraid of what we might hear, we’re afraid of quiet truths being confirmed, we fear conflict and change, plus we hear but don’t listen and have a habit of hinting and being indirect.
A relationship with too many questions, not enough answers, and a fear of asking questions and/or a fear of getting the answers, is a very unhealthy, illusionary relationship.
One of the first things I’m always asked when I speak with people who have questions but no answers or who don’t question things anyway is ‘But how do I ask questions?’ or ‘What questions should I be asking?’ which is worrying in itself.
The reason why we get involved and stay involved with assclowns and Mr Unavailables is because we don’t ask any or enough questions or when we do receive information that should impact on our decision to stay or alter our perception of them or the relationship, we don’t do anything with the information.
You’re likely taking up one of two roles although some people straddle the fence of both:
The Ostrich – Head.In.Sand. You may not ask any questions or be someone with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much, but you just won’t hear or see information and will blatantly ignore what has been said, decide you know better, or continue to stay invested.
The Investigator – Some of you have thinking and investigative powers to rival a CSI, detective, or FBI agent. Trouble is, you’re applying your resources to the wrong areas and you don’t process your evidence and draw a conclusion. You’re like a CSI who has questioned the suspect, gathered the evidence, and put it all together…and then decides to go back out there and ask more questions because you haven’t heard the answer you want to hear.
If you actually want to know who you’re with, what you’re involved in, and actually be in reality, it is time to learn how to ask questions, probe further, but also do something with the information.
If you fear losing someone because you want to ask a question, the relationship is doomed because you are associating loss with truth. You’ll perpetuate that fear of loss by doing things that keep out ‘threats’ to the relationship and illusion, and in this case it means ignoring, shutting out, redressing and sugar coating the truth.
Just because something isn’t stated doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist and that it’s not true. You can pretend he doesn’t have a wife or that he’s not a thief or abusive or a liar, or maybe even all of these things, but he’ll still go home and shag his wife, empty your handbag, abuse you, or tell more lies.
Moving forward, before you open your mouth and ask anything, take out a contract with yourself where you agree that you will hear and listen to what they say, apply what they’re saying to the context of yourself and the relationship, and do something with any negative or grey area information that you receive. Don’t deny, make up excuses, or decide that you know better because you’re just wasting your own time.
To ensure that you ask the right questions and also apply it to the context of your relationship, make sure you have had an honest conversation with yourself and are clear on what your boundaries are, and have an understanding of your primary values.
This means that if an answer is not congruent with the values and boundaries that you profess to have and the direction in which you intend to go, you’ll register that information as a red flag – you’ve either got to ask more questions, make a judgement call on the situation, and likely opt out.
So for instance, when I had my epiphany relationship, I decided that my boundaries included not being involved with attached guys, guys with a girlfriend lurking in the background, jealous, possessive, too sexually forward, etc.
I briefly dated a guy that revealed on the third date that he was living with his ex girlfriend due to some convoluted thing to do with their mortgage… Note that he only revealed this after some questioning drew it out of him. He also became a bit of hyperactive puppy letching all over me and I generally felt uncomfortable. He made it to a 4th date as he swore up and down that him and his ex were just friends but I ended things because the information I had received didn’t stack up with my boundaries and values.
One of the things that I advise in my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is that somewhere between meeting them and the third date (or third contact), you must know the answer to this basic question:
Do you have a girlfriend/wife/separated wife?
Now I’m going to be tough here and say that I don’t care how you ask but either way, ask. If you are unwilling or hesitant to confirm that someone is actually in a position to date and potentially forge a relationship with you, it is indicative of a tendency to deny key information so you can maintain your perception.
Why wouldn’t you ask if someone is screwing you (or trying to) behind someone else’s back unless you already know that potentially you will be OK with this situation? It’s not like you’re asking him to marry you, get serious, or even what his intentions are towards you!
Do you have a girlfriend/wife/separated wife? is a question that confirms if someone is in a position to date. Period.
If they answer yes to any of these questions, you must reassess your position and in most instances opt out. Tell him to beat it and come back when he’s offloaded his baggage and isn’t creeping around behind someone’s back. The sooner that you ask this question is the less invested you can become in someone who is not in a position to give you what you need and want.
When you ignore the necessity to question, you’ve already made the decision to love and trust blindly. You’re opening yourself up to excuses.
Do not assume that because someone is talking to you, hitting on you, sleeping with you, already saying he wants to make babies with you by the third phonecall/email/text/instant message that he must be single. He must be nothing – do not assume.
If you don’t ask questions and get definitive clarification, you are making key decisions about your relationship based on assumptions that may have no basis.
Now, in my next post I’m going to putting together some more questions, but I wanted to address something that will make it easier to ask the tricky questions.
Some (or many) of you will be afraid of asking how committed someone is, whether they’re looking for a relationship and yada yada yada because you won’t want to appear needy, too eager, stalkery etc, but here are five reasons why this fear is misplaced:
1) If you’re already feeling like you have deep feelings/love him/are trusting him with the ‘silver’, you need to ask questions before you get any deeper as you may be loving and trusting blindly.
2) If they have said they love you, want to be with you, want to have babies, move in, get engaged, get married, want to open a joint bank account, and have basically been making plans with you and basically saying that they want to be in a relationship with you but there is a disconnect between their actions and words, you have duty to yourself to ask the questions now.
3) If you don’t ask questions from the outset or when flags appear, you will get into the habit of not asking questions plus the longer it goes on for, the more unusual the other person will find it and react negatively as you’ll likely ask when sh*t is hitting the proverbial fan.
4) Until you do ask the questions that do need asking, you are basing your relationship on assumptions, which especially if actions and words are not matching and your spidey senses are all a quiver, means that your relationship is based on illusions that you’re not seeking to clarify.
5) Just like you don’t sign the deeds your to property without getting a survey, you don’t make the decision to love and stay until you have done due diligence on your relationship. You are both 100% responsible and accountable for the relationship and if you get into something without doing the ‘discovery’ to make sure you’re investing in an appropriate relationship based in reality, that is a responsibility you bear. You must get uncomfortable and ask.
On this basis, bearing in mind all of these five things, this means you can ask:
Are you interested in being in a committed relationship with me? or Are you interested in being in a committed relationship?
This is a question that most will hate to ask but you should and must, especially when there are question marks hanging over your relationship. If you won’t ask, you also need to question your own commitment issues…
For a start, again, no person who actually does want to be in a committed relationship will react or answer you in a negative manner. If they shut down, dodge answering the question and go round the houses confusing the crap out of you but not answering you, won’t look at you, and are basically not prepared to answer you properly, it is a red flag that you’re around someone who is commitment resistant. They’re not even committing to an answer!
Some people over-estimate their level of interest or believe that they want commitment and then avoid intimacy. Call it sabotage. They’ll come up with umpteen obstacles and eventually you become the obstacle, or maybe already are. It’s very unhealthy behaviour as the fear of commitment is far bigger than their desire to be with you, no matter what they say to the contrary.
Being commitment resistant also means being unable to commit to an outcome – they can’t commit to be with or without you which means that the only person who can end the relationship is…you because you will have to look at the conflicting actions and words and draw your own conclusion.
While you can go through the process of trying to drag a horse to water to make it drink, it’s a painful journey of seeking validation, coping with rejection, mixed messages, blowing hot and cold, and lot more. The sooner you know, the sooner you get out. Remember – you don’t have to say ‘Are you interested in being in a committed relationship with me?’ which you can also ask if you feel you have been together long enough and their actions are conflicting with stuff that has been previously said. If someone is dodging commitment, whether you ask in the general sense or about yourself, you will come up against odd behaviour.
Watch out for future fakers and passive aggressive manoeuvres such as talking the talk when you ask and then after the conversation behaving in a way that is not consistent with what they have said.
Back in part 3.
Your thoughts? Have you been avoiding asking questions?
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This advice is good in theory, but my EUM NEVER told the truth! He said exactly what I wanted to hear at all times. Yes, he wanted a relationship, yes, he was ready for commitment. For those NPD guys, there is no truth in their words so asking ANYTHING is pointless. I started out asking so many questions. The answers were always right. After about 6 months, I started realizing how his words didn’t make sense half the time, and I was asking myself if I was crazy waaaaay too often.
I quit asking questions at that point because I didn’t want to be lied to, and I was tired of 2nd guessing myself. Of course, looking back, that was emotional abuse, and I should have WALKED. I just never ever had solid confirmation that I was right, and I could not manage to break things off on my assumptions.
But if you know he doesn’t tell the truth it means you can’t trust him which means you can’t have a relationship which means you have to opt out. This is where the whole being with someone who says what you want to hear and then does something different afterwards issue kicks in – it means that what they said was a lie. A lie in itself is solid confirmation of dishonesty – you have to ask what else you need? You can’t ask a liar to be honest with you. It’s like being harassed by your manager and then going to the manager and complaining about the harassment – waste of time.
Well while it was happening, like I said, I never had evidence or knew FOR SURE he was lying. Things just never sounded right. It was always too complicated, or too random. I had suspicions that he was lying all the time! However, until I caught a few of those, I thought maybe I was paranoid and crazy.
I suppose if actions don’t match words, some would call that lying. That depends upon the intent of the person who did not follow through. I know if I say one thing, and end up doing another, I do not feel that I lied, as I originally fully intended to do what I said.
I found it hard to discern if he was dishonest at all, or if he was ALWAYS dishonest. That is how confused I remained for quite some time.
People that lie can be honest. It’s a choice.
If you tie yourself up focusing on someones intent, you’re really screwed. If someone *never* matched their actions and words but claimed they intended to, would you keep believing their intentions? No. Likewise, yes people can be honest but the point is that he wasn’t or at least about the stuff you were asking. How are you going to measure his honesty? If he’s honest about how many eggs he bought from the supermarket but lies about the relationship, are you really going to claim he’s honest? Once someone is habitually dishonest – they can’t be trusted.
*You know what? Our society (rom coms, celebrity relationships, friends) teaches us that if we stick by a guy long enough, we don’t need to ask those questions because they will just eventually realize how much we love them, be grateful, and get over whatever fear they have and finally realize they love us.
Reality: However they show up, is how they will stay…or worse, deteriorate from.
I’m 32 and no longer naive. I’ve decided finally to put my foot down in matters of what I want and I’m very vocal in my new relationship about what is okay and what is not. It took me forever to see that asking those questions makes the ones who really like you for you….like you even more. They want the same things. And, bottom line, YOU ASK THOSE QUESTIONS BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF. It only took me years to figure that out, I was always addressing the needs of someone else first in order to be loved.
Now I know that’s not love. That’s neediness.
-Myrtle
Assclown jettisoned 12/29/09
6 months sober and 3 dress sizes lower.
: )
I feel fortunate that my recent A/C wasn’t cheating on me. I’m 100% sure of that. But, everything else Natalie talks about applied. There were inconsistencies. He would make some comment, then a week later, make another comment that was contradictory to the earlier comment. This happened constantly. When I pointed out and asked, I got accused of “dwelling” on things. And, he seemed to always say what he thought I wanted to hear. Normally I have never been afraid of asking questions. But in my last relationship, I started to feel somewhat intimidated. It wasn’t fear…… just mild intimidation. The guy had a lot of emotional baggage that he just never processed, because he wouldn’t be introspective with himself (as Natalie has stated in other posts). I would make innocent comments that had nothing to do with him, but somehow he would twist my comments into being about him. Huh? And talk about passive aggressive, if I “liked” something, he would stop doing it, or make sure he never started doing it. And the constant flip flops. Natalies statement: “Just because something isn’t stated doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist and that it’s not true.” Talk about “not stated.” The guy constantly talked in “high level,” vague statements. He knew how to do this just to the point where it would have a crumb of truth and you wouldn’t ask a question, but later on, you would process it and think, “huh?” I was constantly experiencing this. Something that, at the time sounded ok, until I processed it later. Then I would ask a question to clarify and get accused of “dwelling on problems.” And this was a guy who invited me to live with him and claimed he loved me! I tried to leave four times, and he would talk me out of it. I finally did leave. But when I did leave, I was an emotional mess and I’m still trying to work my way out of it. If a guy appears to have issues and baggage, OPT OUT! EARLY!
Those guys with their “high level” talk don’t even understand what they mean! Keep focusing on moving forward and grieving the loss of the relationship. Remember – you used your judgement in this situation, something many others wouldn’t have done. I know it hurts and I know the pain of reconciling what you thought would be with the reality is also a pain in the bum, but you will get past this. Accept him for the jackass he is.
Another excellent post when I was going through my cycle not asking questions was my main problem. As you stated in the post the main reason why I didn’t ask questions was because deep down inside I already knew the answer. I guess I figured if it was stated than it didn’t exist. I quickly found out the this just encouraged him to continue to lie and go behind my back. Sometimes I look back and wonder how did I get myself in such an awful situation. I learned my lesson about inserting boundaries and values!!!Thanks for the post
Mine told me he didn’t know if it would work and was unsure (living together) but I was really stupid, stayed and fought the battle for seven years!!
Why Didn’t I listen??
Because he was faithful and honest, loved me and I believed this equalled a commited relationship 🙁
I am such a fool and have wasted away my twenties on a man/eum who never could value all the great things about me enough to commit to living together let alone marriage or children. Have learnt a very hard lesson, now have a broken heart and am trying to pick my self-esteem up off the floor.
What does it mean if they 100% faithful fidelity wise but not commiting???
Please comment Natalie or anyone, Thanks x
Emily, I did the same thing with my last EUM. Guess we were good enuff to “pass time with” but not to commit. It is hard when they are basically okay guys and don’t do anything radically wrong…but it’s just not quite enough. Mine was a fisherman, I was hooked for 6 years!
Regina Toxicodendron
Thanks, is good to know I’m not the only one.
And Yes it’s very hard when they are basically alright people who just wont commit.
Despite knowing that it was just his excuses and time for me to opt out. I was beating myself up that my flaws were awful and he of course was blaming his inability to commit to me on them too.
I put up with it all because he was faithful and affectionate and believed that this was all that mattered, well now I’ve learnt so much from reading this site.
Maybe Natalie would do an article on these kind of very confusing men, who treat you almost right but will find something wrong with you to not commit.
I am so glad I have been in counselling and have started to pull back my self-esteem.
Of course it’s also my own fault for staying in the relationship 🙁
I hope you won’t be wasting 6,5,4,3 or even 2 years on any more Eufm (emotionally unavailable fishermen) lol
I know how hard it is when you’ve stuck with them for that long, heartbreaking..
Thanks from Emily
I think some men that don’t hate women, and are not bad men, but just don’t want that much out of a relationship. They love, they treat you well, they want a woman …but you get the feeling it does not matter much which woman or what you have together, as long as its easy for them.
Maybe they are a bit self absorbed to really put effort into the level of intimacy that many of us seem to want in a man. Maybe they really want a companion, or like JJ2 wrote somewhere lately, a roomie they can come home to.
To me this is different from sharing a life with someone.
LOL – you deserve better than someone passing time with you.
Being faithful and honest are two things that are important but 1) they’re not all of it and 2) it depends on what they’re being faithful and honest about. For a start, his fathfulness also had a using and lazy streak behind it as he enjoyed the fringe benefits of the relationship while trying you out before he bought (which he didn’t). He was never committed because he didn’t see living together as a logical next step in committing – it was a convenience and there is a difference between convenience, comfort, faithfulness etc if it represents someone passing time. Yes he was honest in that he told you how he felt but you ignored that honesty and didn’t match it with his actions – alarm bells must ring when someone says they’re not sure but still living with you. Being faithful and not committing are no mutually exclusive – in your case, he wasn’t shagging around on you but he didn’t want the relationship to progress either. Neither option is good.
So true, so true–great article as usual. When I finally ask some tough questions as I was telling him to take a run and jump, I did get some very vague, almost comical, but yet very sad (on his part) answers. What’s really sad is that there was/is some other woman (actually I think he said 2, so make that women) who is probably heartbroken, confused and completely unaware that he “thinks” he and she have “fundamental differences” that would keep him from being “with” the woman (or 2nd woman) in a relationship (he was telling me this trying to convince me that I was not in this category–yeah right). His exact words were “we are friends who enjoy each other’s company and are basically all ‘sort of’ using each other to get what we want.” I’m betting money that if the three of us women sat down in a room and discussed this I would get a completely different picture of the situation. Fortunately for me, and thanks to this website and Natalie, I’m not one of those “friends”–it makes my heart sing with joy everyday! As Marie stated, long before I asked the question, I already knew the answer; It took me having the epiphany moment to not give a rat’s tail about what questions I asked him.
This man is a tit. Thank God you ran!
Another amazing post NML!!
I never had a problem asking questions of my EUM, NML is sooo right, I could have rivaled the best detectives anywhere… I was constantly catching him in half-truths, completely bald-faced lies, or receiving the “catch phrases” (as I liked to call them) when he didn’t feel like “dealing” with the conflict of being caught lying or being honest:
1. “I don’t remember saying that”/ “I never said that”
2. “you must have misunderstood”
3. “well, things have changed since I said that. Why can’t you just ‘go with the flow’? Why are you making a big deal of this?”
God, how I hated hearing those things, because you know damn well I didn’t misunderstand anything. And I’m not stupid, and you don’t have alzheimer’s or amnesia, so WHAT GIVES?!?! Sorry, but I’m sure everyone here can relate to my frustration with *constantly* being treated this way. And you do start to ask yourself, “Am I crazy???” But it’s NOT you, it’s him!
NML had me completely pinpointed, because I definitely was not listening to what he was telling me, or paying attention to alllll the red flags he showed me, and (most importantly), USING that information to do something! I was the investigator to a “T”, but kept searching for the answer “I” wanted. So futile. I wasted nearly 3 yrs of my life repeating this pattern, and I *still* have no real relationship with him to show for it. I do, however, now have a shattered heart to mend, and a lot of soul searching to do, thanks to him. I wish I had found this website so much sooner, but…. Better late than never.
Thanks to NML, and her brilliance, I am now realizing so many many things that I was blind to before about him, our so-called “relationship”, and more importantly, about ME. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I am very proud to say it is Day 18 of No Contact! Some days it is a real struggle not to feel bad about myself, but other days, I feel like a weight has been lifted, and I’m finally starting to reclaim my life again. I know I have to do this, for me.
Some of you may be so afraid to do NC, and let me tell you it IS hell, but it is worth it. It has literally saved my sanity, after I finally hit rock bottom. I had been through so much, and my self-esteem took such a beating, that I honestly thought it would be better if I gave up on life. It’s awful when you feel like the person you love SO much, and would do anything for, hurts you so frequently and makes you feel SO bad.
After my millionth go-round with EUM/AC, I finally *felt* ‘enough’. I knew in my heart, that he was never going to change, or ever treat me right…. It was a very sad realization. No matter how much I loved him, I could not ‘fix’ him or our situation. He’s too sick in the head. I was deathly afraid of what would happen, how I would ‘lose’ this person, etc. But you have to ask yourself, as I did, is it gonna hurt any more than the hurt this guy is and has *already* put me through?? The answer is NO. I can promise you, the hurt, anger, sadness and humiliation you feel from acknowledging your ‘relationship’ is over and accepting that and processing it, will be a hell of a lot less than continuing to let him hurt you, over and over and over, as you know in your heart he will. If you think about it, you can’t lose something you never really had in the first place. Ponder that for a moment… If you really had him, you wouldn’t have so many questions, hurt feelings, and confusion. Those things are happening because they are major signs something is wrong, and you don’t have him.
And guess what? This person, who supposedly ‘loved’ me so much has not even contacted me once! Not a phone call, text, email, NOTHING. I have to admit, sometimes I’m so sad, thinking “Did I really mean so little to you?” and sometimes I still have bad days. But I was amazed to discover that half of me is RELIEVED he hasn’t contacted me, because all he would do is screw up my head all over again, and manage to destroy whatever small peace I’m trying to make for myself. And, I take it as further proof that he never meant any of the garbage he told me, since he found it so easy to let me go. So I had to ask myself, how much could he really have cared about me? And if you even have to ask that question, as NML says, you probably already know the answer and just don’t want to admit it to yourself. She’s 100% right.
Let’s all let go of the ACs. We deserve so much more. Real love does not hurt. Only lies do that.
3 Years is Long Enough,
Don’t get mad, but I actually laughed when I read
1. “I don’t remember saying that”/ “I never said that”
2. “you must have misunderstood”
After doing NC, mine called on Christmas Eve at 3am to say what a fool he had been and how we needed to spend the rest of our lives together. Did I fall for it? You bet I did! It was my Christmas miracle!
Low and behold, I should have recognized tidings of great BS, because less than 2 weeks later he was blowing colder than the January wind. And when I confronted him, what did he say? You guessed it
1. “I don’t remember saying that”/ “I never said that”
2. “you must have misunderstood”
I thought I was completely mad. How could I have misheard or misunderstood? If I had not found this site, and learned that many of EUMs pull this, I might actually have Gaslighted myself into believing him.
Phew! At least I made a clean break then. Call it a New Year’s miracle.
Thanks again NML, this was a great post for me.
And thank you and good luck to everyone who lands here.
PS — You’re not crazy, he did say it.
Over It, you are a great writer! I always love a Christmas story!
3am on Christmas Eve is when he called you? Maybe the reason he doesn’t remember saying those things is ’cause he was drunk off his monkey…
Amen! Love the last line x
“1. “I don’t remember saying that”/ “I never said that”
2. “you must have misunderstood”
3. “well, things have changed since I said that. Why can’t you just ‘go with the flow’? Why are you making a big deal of this?” ” all equals major assclown with amnesia and selective memory. Go with the flow??? Of what? Lies!?! Sure you’d never know where you stood with this fool! Keep feeling relieved – trust me when I say you DON’T need him!
Hooray, I got a response from NML 😀
Your site has given me the clarity, strength, and knowledge to move on. You are TRULY a life-saver!!! So thank you!! and YOU ROCK!!!!
NML is a FB girl’s best friend and mentor!
3Years, I got the “I don’t remember saying that” from my A/C, too! He also threw in an, “I wouldn’t usually say things like that.”
I’m still struggling with getting the guy out of my head and heart after 4 months. My guy didn’t cheat, and on the “blow hot and cold” well, he didn’t disappear or “blow cold,” instead he went from “Blowing hot” to “blowing zero” (midpoint between hot and cold) which I mentioned in another post on here.
Well. l asked my secret unavailable assclown straight the question, when he came on strong to me: Are YOU SINGLE? Do you want to be with me – he said yes. Turned out, he was married, which l found out from third party when l sensed somtehing was not quite right. When he found out l know the truth, he begged on his life that l didnt tell his wife. Im still thinking about it:)
Emily,
Are you doing no contact? It sucks, but it’s completely necessary. You have to get your thoughts straightened out, and process all of this. You need to get your power back. It sounds to me like you are on the right track, and trying to process these thoughts. You say this guy was faithful but wouldn’t commit… I have several feelings on that. How do you know he was 100% faithful? Even if you monitored him 24/7, and could guarantee that, it still doesn’t change the fact that he’s telling you that he’s not ready, for *whatever* reason. It doesn’t matter what his reason is, he’s still saying he doesn’t want to commit to you. That is what you need to hear and accept. I know it’s hard, but it is better to know the truth now. Please don’t waste any more time hurting over this guy, he is not worth it. Start working on you… Ask yourself ‘why’ you keep putting yourself through this nonsense with him. Do you have good self esteem/boundaries/etc as NML suggests? He didn’t want to commit to you after several years. That tells me he is very messed up in his own head. It’s not you, and it’s nothing you did wrong.
You are worth more this. I think you are just having a rough day. It’s ok, that is what we are all here for, to support each other in our bad moments.
I don’t even know you, but I can understand what you are feeling, and I believe in you, even if you don’t right now. You can make it through this… But the only way to get through it, IS to go through it.
I recommend you do something nice for YOU today, something you enjoy, something to get your mind off of him for at least a little while. I have replaced the occasional nice things my EUM used to do for me, with daily doing nice things for myself. I still love me, even if he’s a loser assclown fool…
It’s like recovering from a major surgery. Eat well, sleep enough, def get some exercise even if it’s just a walk around the block, and surround yourself with people who love you and make you laugh, watch a funny movie, anything you enjoy.
Hugs 🙂 and remember to take it easy on yourself.
3 years is long enough
Thanks for your kind comments, they mean a lot :0)
He just liked his own neat, tidy, clinical space.
He had issues with me from the start, he thought I suppose that he could FIX me!!
I am not the most organised person in the world and don’t maintain the same levels of tidyness as he does, and I’m a mum too.
I thought because he supposedly loved me so much that he would accept me for who I am, but I suppose the signs were always there that he couldn’t quite accept me.
I did try and change myself, but found it incredibly difficult, probably having my own issues and problems to deal with.
I just thought that what I made up for him with his lack of emotional and communication skills, he would make up for me my lack of practical skills (bit like helping each other out with each other’s weaknesses).
I have been in counselling for two years and am just now starting to believe there is nothing wrong with me etc
We are five and a half months NC, until he sent me a short mess the other day saying he was hoping I was ok and HUGS and that he very relieved I wasn’t hurt in a near miss accident he had heard I was in.
I am not a complete slob BTW lol
Thanks for your care and advice
Oh yes and his favourite reply to many a question was
I DON’T KNOW
and I honestly think he doesn’t know much about emotional stuff or what he wants or about proper love and commitment where you can accept anothers faults. Or he just couldn’t accept mine.
He has Love as this compartmentalized box and if you don’t fit exactly then there is a problem. 🙁
From Emily: Oh yes and his favourite reply to many a question was
I DON’T KNOW
EMILY! Were we dating the same guy? Ok, seriously, I doubt it. But my A/C did the same thing, everything was “I don’t know.” Except one time I did an “I don’t know” to a serious question he asked me, and he “translated” it for me, that it obviously meant “no.”
It’s nice to know that my situation has drawn similarities with/touched others on here.
It all helps, Thanks everyone x
Emily,
Don’t know if you’ll see this reply now, since it’s been a few days, but when I read this, it gave me shivers:
“He has Love as this compartmentalized box and if you don’t fit exactly then there is a problem.”
I couldn’t agree more. I repeatedly said that to my ex EUM… Kinda scary to hear my words and thoughts said by someone else aloud, but it also makes me feel more sane, and lets me know I’m on the right path now… 22 days of NC 🙂
Hi 3 years is long enough,,
Just wanted to let you know that I have read your response and Thank you
emily x
Emily, my heart hurts for you. Whatever you think you’re ‘lacking’, I doubt it is to the extent that he has made it out to be. You need to be with someone who accepts you. I’ll be honest with you – how tidy you are is the least of your concerns and unless you were one of those hoarding slobs that they talk about in that reality show, I really doubt you have anything to worry about. I think you may need to adjust your view of yourself. His anal retentiveness would make most of us look like slobs…
Great, Thanks NML.
Your response has really helped me 🙂
V grateful for you taking the time x
keep up the amazing job you are doing
Emily
Have a question….ive never been in this situation before, im almost 45 yo…i still look pretty good, work out and stuff, prolly seem much younger to alot of ppl. Anyway, but i met this man that has been working away from his town, (150 m. away) 5 mo. ago. recently we ahve seen each other more, and he said he was divorced for 10 years, which is true, but i googled him and found out he just had a baby 6 mo. ago with a woman he isnt married to…i was pissed, to be lied to, and betrayed like that. he said, he didnt think he could have children, and that his daughter is all he cares about….he admitted to loving his g/f, but doesnt have much of a relationship with her…beyond their daughter. im sooo confused, and i really like him, and i know he feels the same. he will be done working here in a month,,,I have told him I dont want any contact with him after that, since he lives 150 miles away, and has no intentions on leaving his family…I feel so bad for her and the daughter…but i still continie to see him m-thurs. of every week….he helps me out with a few things around my house…..but have other ppl that would do the same….it isnt that, we have great sex, and are very physically attracted to each other! have fun, laugh, etc. should i just end it now, instead of wait till hes not working here any longer? should i have never started this in the first place? am i a terrible person? I really need someone to talk to, since this isn’t very repectable in society! I would fell like an idiot to even talk to a friend about this,,,,maybe thats my answer right there! please give any input, appreciate it!!
Lori–
End it. NOW. He already gave you a big answer: he still loves his girlfriend! HIS FEELINGS ARE WITH HER! They are either together, will get back together, or won’t get back together–but the daughter ties him to the woman he now loves!
Once someone loves another person, they ALWAYS have a place for them in their heart. They always love them somehow. Yes, even with divorce.
This guy ain’t too respectable, either! HE IS A USER. NOT EVEN EUM, b/c he has emotions for another woman…and told you so! He thinks that this fling won’t bother you in the end, b/c he sees you as going in and/or continuing with open eyes.
Lori…Used is right, end it now you’re the one who’s going to get hurt. How could he forget to tell you he had a 6month old. Says alot right there. No you are not a terrible person, you’re both single but you deserve better.
Lori, the reason you got to end it now is simple. Like NML says you asked the question, you got the answer, it doesn’t accord with your values. Practicing the fallback girl and diminished returns is not a pattern to practice. Instead look at it as an opportunity to change a self-destructive habit and carve a new path to non-drama waters…this is for your future self sanity. Try not to focus on the guilt and shame but honesty and more important integrity that you want in a relationship. You said you felt lied and betrayed, yet then that gets put on the back burner because the attachment is strong. That is more concerning, that you have an overide button that says ok he can act like an AC and I will accept it. NOOOO Lori. End now. You can have great sex, fun and laughter with someone who is available. Maybe you just want a short term fling, but it really is best to do that with someone where no-one is getting damaged. Yourself nor some other lady and baby….
Lori, I think this man has said it all really and the writing is on the wall – this can’t last. You’ve said it’s not going to so you have to ask yourself what you’re doing. The kid isn’t going to disappear, she’s his priority (or so he says) and he kept this a secret from you, possibly thinking that his two lives wouldn’t merge together. It’s not wrong that he has a child but you do have to question why he was dishonest with you. You keep going, you’re just prolonging the inevitable. It’s clearly not just sex to you otherwise you wouldn’t be getting mad at him for having a child. You have to ask why you would start something with someone who wasn’t going to be staying? It sounds like it’s casual and fun, so you either have to keep it casual and fun or get out. The ex girlfriend is an unresolved area – he still has feelings for her which means that you have problems that go beyond him having a child. Until you sort this out, you’re wasting your time and opening yourself up to hurt.
I love this site and blogs.. so true, so true..
Can you do one called “opting out early”…. I loved that statement in an above post here and I thought, huh – if only we would have / or do – so much time wasted would have never happened…
My eum told my family and his that he was going to marry me….yet he had been separated for almost two years and hadn’t filed for divorce! What was he waiting for? Why didn’t I see that as a red flag? The way he brought up the subject was strange, too. I called my parents from his house once and he picked up the phone, introduced himself to them, and said, “This is your future son-in-law.” Then he called his family and told them that he was marrying me. And yet — the guy never said to ME: “Wendy, will you marry me?” He never gave me a ring, never mentioned a date when this marriage might happen. He used to say, “I care for you,” but never “I love you.” Looking back, I can see now that saying “I love you,” and “Will you marry me?” was just too committed for him. He always blew hot and cold and had one foot out of the relationship. The relationship broke up soon after — he accused me of being unfaithful. I had not been, and I hadn’t given him any reason to think so! I think that he had other women. He had a short attention span. He’d meet a new woman, fall madly in love with her, and then fall out just as quickly. Haven’t seen him in years, wonder if he ever did divorce his wife.
Natalies says: One of the first things I’m always asked when I speak with people who have questions but no answers or who don’t question things anyway is ‘But how do I ask questions?’ or ‘What questions should I be asking?’ which is worrying in itself.
When I read this I did not understand what you meant? I understand not asking the questions because you don’t want the answers. I have been guilty of that. What I don’t get though is not knowing what questions to ask. I guess if some of us are in relationships where we don’t even know what we should be asking then we are probably in big trouble. How can another person tell someone what questions they should be asking concerning their own well being? I am sorry I just don’t understand that.
I meant – it is worrying when someone asks ‘How do I ask questions?’
It is a red flag about our own relationship habits when we don’t know what questions to ask or how to. I shouldn’t have to be telling anyone what to ask but the fact of the matter is that some people don’t know.
Natalie, thank you for clarifying this. I agree, you should not have to tell anyone what questions to ask (the person they have decided to be intimate with), and that was really my point. (What happens if you don’t post anything for a week…then what?) I also agree it is worrysome….if we are unsure of what questions to ask that suggests that we don’t know what we want or expect in the first place. Natalie, correct, me if I am wrong, but isn’t knowing what we want and expect the key before entering any relationship?
Natalie, you have made me really think about my own patterns thank you again..
This is another good series, especially after the guy translations series. You’re on a roll Nat! I hope part three includes some not so popular but oh so necessary questions we should ask. I know I need some guidance on what to ask.
Thanks – questions will go in part 4
I have always agreed with what Nat says, see if the actions match the words. If they don’t its a big red flag waving in the breeze.
Thank you 🙂
I love this site. I read every article that appears and I cannot wait for the next one. I empathise with EVERY word as it all relates so closely to my circumstances. I know what I should be doing but still I do nothing about it. I have never taken a drug in my life but I must be like a heroine addict who knows the habit is killing them but seem to not want to do anything about it.
I am guilty of not asking quesions because I don’t want to know the answers. If I do ask questions and I get a vague flimsy answer that I know is a complete pack of lies,I smile sweetly and accept it even though I know it is so wrong.
I suspected my assclown was seeing somebody else. When I sent texts at 7pm, I wasn’t getting a reply until midnight. When he came to see me a couple of weeks ago I thought we were going to spend the day together but he stayed a couple of hours and then left (after getting me into bed). The red flags were flying as high as a kite but I asked no questions. I did ask him once if there was somebody else but he denied it flatly and even though I knew it was a lie, I chose to ignore at my peril.
I want to share with you what happened this week. On Monday, I went over to see my assclown after he finished his shift at 10.30pm Around midnight when we were in bed,there was a knock at the door. He denied hearing it but then it happened again. As he was going downstairs, he made a comment about a girl pestering him. The next 5 minutes were the worst of my life. This girl stormed upstairs and pulled the bed covers off me leaving me exposed and naked. She screamed abuse at him about being a cheating lying 2 timing b*****d amongst other things and then she left. I was paralysed. I couldn’t speak. I have been seeing him for 2 years so if anybody should have been screaming at him, it should have been me!
I climbed out of bed and put my clothes on in a complete daze. I asked him if he was having unprotected sex with her to which he replied “yes but you will be OK because I have known her for years. I went to school with her”. He showed no remorse or guilt. He let me leave the house in total shock without a word of concern. The drive home was the worst of my life.
In a way, who is the assclown here – him or me? I have no self worth, no boundaries and I stay with a man who shows more respect to his Ipod. It was my birthday last Sunday and I didn’t even get a “happy birthday” from him. I didn’t even ask the question why?
OMG Pammie. That is a TERRIBLE story! Hopefully it will make it easier to move past this dousche bag, knowing how much he didn’t care about your humiliation, and did not bother to try to apologize and grovel for your love. He didn’t care at all. What a jerk!! Start picking up the pieces. I hope you don’t dwell on this because it clearly was not personal. He treated you both like garbage, and most likely other random women sprinkled in here and there.
I would absolutely TRY to put it out of your mind because dwelling on this one is pointless. There is no mystery here. He is a selfish prick and it affected him zero percent watching 2 women lose their minds in grief.
Yes you are so right. I look for the good in people but there simply is no good in this man. I can never allow myself to be treated like this again. Thank you for your words of support.
Litttle Pammie
OMG, so sorry for your bad treatment, even if your AC isn’t.
He is the AC for sure.
Hope you have the strength to not go back to him.
Look after yourself
x
Thank you. I cannot go back this time. I have always downgraded his behaviour in the past but I cannot this time. Nobody deserves such shoddy treatment. I have no idea who the other girl was but I actually feel for her as well.
From Emily: What does it mean if they 100% faithful fidelity wise but not commiting??? Mine was faithful, and SAID he was committed (more like to an INSANE ASYLUM!). And, like Emily, I figured it was ok, since he was faithful.
Also, I have been thinking about the “blow hot and cold.” Mine didn’t blow “cold,” he blew “ZERO.” That is the exact midpoint between hot and cold. He didn’t “disappear” or anything. He just blew “zero.” No effort. Treated me like a roommate. But claiming I was important.
I will say that “blowing “zero” isn’t quite as bad as “blowing cold….” At least the guy is there PHYSICALLY, but not EMOTIONALLY. But, the same thing happens, you end up seeking “validation.”
Natailie, perhaps with this thought, you can expand on Emily’s issue of “well, the guy was faithful, but that was it.”
Emily, I feel your pain. You had the same thing I had.
From Regina: Mine was a fisherman, I was hooked for 6 years!
Mine was also a fisherman. I only stayed “hooked” for seven months. Maybe we should avoid fishermen?
JJ2 your “blowing zero” really resonates. At least I learned how to fish pretty good! Those fishermen do really like their alone time, maybe we should leave them to it huh?
From 3Years: And guess what? This person, who supposedly ‘loved’ me so much has not even contacted me once! Not a phone call, text, email, NOTHING. I have to admit, sometimes I’m so sad, thinking “Did I really mean so little to you?”
One day after I left my A/C, he said he still loved me. On Day three after I left, he said he NO LONGER loved me, nor did he miss me. Did I mean THAT LITTLE to him? 3Years, I feel your pain!
JJ2,
Re: “One day after I left my A/C, he said he still loved me. On Day three after I left, he said he NO LONGER loved me, nor did he miss me. Did I mean THAT LITTLE to him? 3Years, I feel your pain!”
What an awful, AWFULLL thing to say to you! Seriously. I know it hurt so much to hear that, but it also strikes me as seriously childish on his part. I believe he was only lashing out at you, and trying to hurt you. What an immature jerk. Isn’t is funny how we see these ‘true sides’ to them when all is said and done? Part of the reason I even had the strength to start NC 22 days ago, is because my loser EUM/AC told ME (via text, of course!), that I would ‘never be happy in a relationship’ until I ‘refocused’ myself, and stopped being ‘so demanding’! The NERVE! My only ‘demands’ were that he stop jerking me around and actually put both feet in the relationship and commit to me! Treat me like a human being, you know, like you *actually* do love me, as opposed to just saying it! I know, I’M the ‘crazy one’, right?? lol. (sarcastically)
It was when I got those texts, that were so horrendously cruel and unnecesarily hurtful (he had already pulled the ‘disappearing act’ and left me, and I was hurting so badly already from that, did he really have to add insult to injury?), that I stopped in my tracks, and thought, “What am I DOING with him?!?!?!” I didn’t even bother responding. He’s not even worth it. He has said similar things to me as your ex said to you, on several of the times we have broken up before, and they killed me each time he said things like that. And I told him how badly those things he said hurt me, and he just kept doing it anyway, in true AC form. Well, now he can go find someone else to unload all his garbage onto!
Thank god I came to my senses. My feelings are still fluctuating daily, some days happy, some sad, some angry, and some numb. But I am sticking with NC, and no matter what, I know my pain has a purpose now, since I am trying to work on myself, as opposed to being in pain because he feels like jerking me around for the millionth time!
Thanks, 3years. Yes, I feel your pain! My A/C had the nerve to say that *I* needed “counseling.” Nope, he does! Like you, all I demanded was to be treated like a lover, not a roommate.
OMG! Mine said the SAME THING! Oh, I was soooo mad when he said that. I’ll clue you in though, I actually did start going to counseling, trying to figure out if I was really crazy, but also because I had some childhood abandonment issues I was trying work on. He actually said he thought counseling was a ‘good idea’. Little did he know, it actually made me feel more like I wasn’t crazy, but he was! So it kind of had a reverse effect than he hoped for. I became stronger. I think he was hoping the therapist would tell me I was nuts, and that it would make me more submissive. Even as I type that, I shudder to recall what I put myself through for this AC.
And guess what? Despite my going to counseling, and changing some of my behaviors, he was STILL the same, overreacting the same, treating me badly still, disappearing, all the AC behavior, etc. When I asked HIM to go to counseling (since he has waaaay more issues than me!), OF COURSE he refused! So how do you like that? It’s ok for me to change, just not him! I was told by him that I was a ‘bad person’ since I couldn’t accept him as he was, and that I was ‘giving up’ on him when he couldn’t change, and that he had worked on these issues and refused to work on them anymore. Absolutely ridiculous, the one-sidedness of this ‘relationship’ (and I use that term loosely).
So, in conclusion, if any guy ever tells you that you need counseling, deeply question his intentions, or HIS sanity.
JJ2, you are awesome. Almost sounds like we were dating twins! Yuck!
Most of us could use counseling, especially in relationships, but the #1 AC weakness in this area is blaming the other person and not taking a fig of responsibility or action for troubles. Troubles come up even in healthy relationships and how they are handled is a pretty good early indicator of ability.
When I accused the AC of lying he flat out denied and made the most unbelievable excuses, then said I brought out the worst in him, then said he had only been pretending to be my friend, then threw a barrage of the meanest things anyone has ever said at me, then slinked away for a few weeks, then returned like nothing had happened, then claimed he never remembered saying any of the things he said. Whew.
It was such a prolonged dose of lunacy that I finally snapped out of laaalaa land and could take no more. And this is a man in his sixth decade on the planet. He also was quick to point out that others thought of him as reliable, honest blah blah blah, like somehow the impressions others have of him negate his lousy behavior with me.
In his head there is nothing wrong with him. In my head there sure as hell was something wrong with me for putting up with his lunacy. So, yes they are sort of right when they suggest counseling, cause we are not quite right to put up with their stuff. Course, this is not likely the reason they are suggesting it !
The only logical counseling between two people is couples counseling. This was not gonna happen with Mr I am Perfect the Way I Am so… I got to working hard on me to understand why I was involved with the likes of him and to be sure I never hang out in AC laalaa land again.
3Years, you are awesome for getting stronger!
Aphrogirl, your A/C was in his sixth decade? So was mine! And he had been married before, about 20 years ago, for five years. And, yes, he would go on and on about “taking responsibility” but would HE take responsibility? NOPE! He would get mad at me for what where his OWN flaws. SHEESH!
@ Emily.
I can completly relate. In fact it’s what had me so confused in my last relationship. He was kind, loyal, emotional and would not cheat. Because in the past I’d dater men who cheated, that felt more to me like a commitment phobic, a mr unavailable and or assclown. When my last said ” I love you but I’m unsure, I want you in my life” I believed things would be ok in the end. But as time went on he became increasingly hot and cold, inconsistant, confusing and that emotional guy I fell for was actually a big emotional unbalanced mess. I should have listened to what he was saying, took note of how unbalanced his moods were, how confused he made me feel and most of all instead if waiting for this guy to make a decision on whether I was worthy or not? I should have made my own decision and opted out. Opted out if his confused and dramatic little world. I read a quote somewhere once which went something like ” just when you think u know what evil is it changes form on you” not to say a guy not wanting to commit is evil but it’s a dysfunctional guy in another form to say a guy who cheats. I know why I stayed for 1.5 years, I’ve learnt my lessons and what part I had to play. I had abadonment issues and was trying to right a wrong from the past by getting him to validate me by staying or making me the exception. Why do you think you stayed?what was your part? Don’t be afraid to take your share, it’s empowering. Even if these guys confuse us by saying they love us but can’t completly commit at some point just feeling that confused should be a wake up call.
It’s not you it’s him, his issues, his phobias or what ever his problem is but you need to look at why you stayed that way you won’t make the same mistake.
I do understand though Emily that men like this are very confusing. They are not your standard in your face bad boy but they can be just as destructive in their own way, mainly because it catches you off gaurd.
I work with my x which at 1st was so hard that I didn’t no how I’d even make it through each day. My tummy was always upset, I was always on the verge if tears and hid out from him. Now I’m glad because 10 months later as I’ve disconnected from him, grown and changed I can see this man clearly, the glamour has been lifted and all I see is a miserable, confused, inconsistant, cynical, moody, unstable and lacking in any real confidence man. That’s his base line and it’s not a happy one. He was that way before he met me but I thought he just needed confidence. He was like in the relationship and he is still like it. His issues, his worries and his problems which ultimately led him to sabotage the relationship. It wasn’t me, as I new deep down inside, it was him BUT you must take responsabilty for your own issues and learn. That being why you picked him and why you stayed.
I hope I helped in some way? You’re not alone and it’s very confusing. Do NC it’s what saved me and aloud me to gain strength and see the truth. If it were up to him we would be friends and no doubt I’d still be confused. They dangle the carrot of hope but then don’t follow through. They don’t want to commit but don’t want you out of their lives or moving on.
Take care.
Thanks Trinity, means a lot to have others understand how I am feeling and for you to share your experience too.
Your comment has really helped X
It does make a difference knowing that others have felt similiar things or been through the same sort of issues
Take care 🙂
Dear women with assclown problems-soon to be assclown history! Thanks to this site, I have gotton rid of one emu (6months) relationship -his name is still in my phone as “assclown” ! That really helped me remember when I was practicing ” no contact” .I have also turned other women onto thus site ,including my sister.it seems we are always stuggling with these issues in our relationships(more on that later) but at least I have tools now! I am about to ask some serious questions in my currrent relationship of almost 1 year. As these posts often illlustrate , these assclowns will also snow you when you ask so please don’t rely on their answers alone! Does he walk his talk? What are your boundries and core values? We can learn to love ourselves ! Thank you so very much for this brilliant site!
Love & action !
J.doe
am just here to give my comments.As a woman and man,I understand how hards life can be.
No one is perfect.but we can changes all…if we wants to.
Nothing to lost.try to work on..but you will feel the pain before you past the trials.
Life is fear enough but we are not able to see the reality.
Because we are overwhelm”how we feel”.
We give up everything for one person,whom we love so much.
But the person you love,does he she do(does)the same things?
Two persons must play the games.(like you work on the Television).
If you lost or win…then it your turn to the next game.
Example: if you have new partner,of course,you must do the same thing.like in your former girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband!!!
But don’t repeat the same mistake and never compare the person to your new one…try to learn from the past..try to build a new start.
Forget and accept the past life…it much more easy for you to balance your life…
No one saying life easy…but thing are done after all.
Promises can be a broken and love can be fade.
*Time will tell us when the right time.
*Our eyes show us if the right person.
*Our heart to feel the situation if is right or wrong.
*Our head to think all over and to make the right decision before you acts…
*God always there for us for the good and bad times”’if you are believer”…(but do something first then he will help you to work on).
(Depends what you want/wish for)…
*Devil is Tentation to our life and make us blind not to see the reality.
*Trials to give us a strength to make our life much better
Anyway,I am still pretty young lady.but I have enough experienced in life…I trust to myself and I believe to God.I choosen him as my good friend.(even thought people thinks is crazy)..
For me: God helps me everything!!!but of course,he give me a trials..he want to see how wrong i am or how weak i am…
Sometimes im too weak..but when i call his name:-)…
Then I feel better…but that not meant:all is well..:-D
I hope will help a bit..
Best regards
God bless you
Crystalou
Right on Natalie!!!!!!! I so wish I had found the site long back. hahaha!!! and you describe the roles we take so perfectly… I used to straddle the fence once .. first i was an ostrich and I knew it… my motto was.. what i dont know won’t hurt me (It changed from power is knowledge after i met my ex-eum..sad:( i stopped asking questions which i didnt want to hear the answers too even though deep down i did know what was going down. Cause I never used to ask questions i was frustrated and suspicious all the time, such that by the time i got to ask questions, I would be at boiling point. I would burst (more like taking the lid of a boiling pot :lol) and it would come out all wrong. it wouldnt be casual asking anymore, I sounded accusatory (according to my eum) cause of all the assumptions I had made.
I remember he sometimes never picked up his phone when he was with me, i never called him on that.(talk of allowing bad behaviour!) cause I thot he was respecting me(ha!some respect!)..that was until i started calling him and he wouldnt pick up his phone !!!(it always comes back to bit u in the arse dont it?lol) So I assumed he was with some one else… and never asked.pretended it wasnt happening and when it got to a point tht i couldnt take it anymore, i confronted him…but before he could answer I told him to shut it….i was sure and afraid he was going to lie to me, or confirm he was with somebody else and that would have hurt. At that point i wasnt prepared to leave him yet u c. So i convinienety buried my head in the sand and I turned investigator.
cause i wouldnt ask questions,i went in search of answers my self!! ha!ha! …. I certainly would put CSI investigators to shame with the skills i developed. And I did gather evidence. But it was all explained away… or i explained it away myself before even confronting him. Have u ever noticed how cheats casually mention other ladies in the conversation like they are just friends they have known since college and u have no reason to suspect until you come across their skype conversation ????(by accident i swear). I picked up the name from skype,put a face onto it thanks to facebook 🙂 Then i became paranoid. I started walking around spotting every woman with similar features and then analysing her down and wondering if it could be her. I followed one lady at some point (she fit the description) cause she was driving a car similar to his so i thought OMG he gave her his car but he doent do the same with me!!!!! that was when i had my epiphany. surely how crazy could i get. i had become a total looney…………
The short and long of it is that, my ex-eum drove me crazy. literally. I became a wreck!!!! someone i didnt even recognise. i lost my confidence, my self esteem, i lost my drive, my job performance took a nosedive, i was seperated from my friends and family (I made sure noone interfered with our time together-shutting everybody out), I became needy and a nag, i was distrusting, suspicious and slowly becoming a liar to keep the illusion-i’d lie to my friends on why he never turned up for important occasions, i’d lie for him on why he was never available etc i wasnt comfortable being me anymore and all the investigations i did,never came up to much. cause i never did anything with my trunkload of evidence (guess CSI would kick me out of their team for this he!) until he dumped me. I found another woman in his flat in her lingerie(I turned up uninvited) and he had the balls to turn it on me on how i am stalking him, putting him on surviellance (i never did tht, wish i had. could have caught this BS long before then!lol), he went on how i dont trust him (duh! u have a half dressed woman in yo flat and u talk of trust…..he made me feel guilty though) etc. then i got dumped!!!!!!
But I never learnt the lesson… but thats another story…. Its true, life is a series of lessons. And a lesson will keep on repeating itself until we learn from it!!!!!!!!!! (think i picked that from this blog!) More like how you keep taking your GSCEs until you pass them if u want to graduate……I pray I graduate from EUM/Assclown/Manchild and whatever spooks r out there!!!!
Perhaps questions don’t get asked because someone “doesn’t know what they don’t know. ”
Graduate406 mentioned a “Skype” conversation. If one is unfamiliar with Skype or has never heard of SKYPE, one wouldn’t know to ask questions or what questions to ask.
I’m thinking that I should steer clear of guys that are too “gadget happy” from reading some of these comments……. Fortunately, my last guy wasn’t too technologically literate. He didn’t text, or SKYPE or do that much on the computer, except spend all his time reading fish boards.