In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about our relationship with stress. Expecting and demanding so much of ourselves or not considering what’s happened in our lives causes us to go way over our bandwidth. This is why so many of us don’t recognise how overwhelmed we are by toxic and unprocessed stress.
It’s not unusual when we’re persistently stressed to feel disconnected from our body. We don’t know how and what we feel.
When my body shook violently when faced with dealing with a tricky person, I didn’t take it as a sign that I was wrong to proceed. I recognised that it was the build-up of months of acknowledged and unacknowledged stress as well as being triggered. I had to stand up for myself.
We all have a threshold for stress. Some of us have been so far over it for so long that it’s become the new normal.
We carry on as if we’re supposed to be Teflon-coated, telling us to “Buck up!” and to “Get a grip!”. What we don’t acknowledge are our specific factors that contribute to why we respond to certain stressors in the way that we do.
Our bodies aren’t failing us when we struggle to cope.It’s unrealistic to expect that we can just pile us up with stress. We’re not designed for that.
Our coping and survival mechanisms helped us to survive our childhood, but these same habits become maladaptive if we continue to use them in adulthood. We struggle to thrive.
Why can’t I cope with running myself in the ground like I used to? Why is the smallest thing breaking me? Because you’re not supposed to keep getting away with busting your boundaries and bandwidth.
The mind doesn’t differentiate between real and imagined. If we spend a lot of time, energy, effort and emotions rehearsing for negative events, our body feels them as if they were happening. It’s like praying for what we don’t want.
The body doesn’t differentiate between size of stress — stress is stress. If we’re living our life in such a way that we don’t take care of ourselves, we don’t have great boundaries, that we don’t respect our bandwidth, the stress piles up. After this, what seems like the smallest thing tips us over the edge.
If we’ve been ignoring us, we’re supposed to feel stressed.
Discovering your ACEs (adverse childhood experience scores) helps you to acknowledge the journey you’ve travelled so that you can have more self-compassion and take better care of you.
If interacting with someone makes you feel small, inadequate, helpless and on guard like you did as a child, it’s a sign that you are in high stress.
Being braced for danger is toxic stress and toxic to our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing.
When you count your stresses, it becomes clear about why you don’t have the bandwidth to take care of you, to nurture your relationships, to tell someone to jog on.
Over your bandwidth equals you are in stress.
Tolerating the intolerable isn’t a medium to long-term plan.
What doesn’t feel harmonious? What’s draining?
Acknowledge when something is on the way to becoming unbearable.
We have to stop treating recognition of stress as something negative about us.
Stress is there to let us know that we need to take care and be aware — mind our bandwidth.
If we didn’t have stress, how would we know when something is too much?
With the benefit of hindsight, I’m very grateful to tinnitus because it’s forced me to listen to myself in a much deeper way. It’s a work in progress.
I might think that certain things are totally OK, but for some reason my body and mind doesn’t. And that’s worth paying attention to because they’re me.
Our bandwidth shifts over the course of the week.
Find things to calm down the body and be more in tune with you. Journaling, stretching, reading, meditation, massage, various practitioners — these all help in calming my nervous system and taking care of me.
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This is so timely, Natalie.
Long time BR fan. I have been struggling with guilt over having to turn down more and more invitations, or cancel plans with close friends, family and my S.O. due to overstimulation and stretching my bandwidth. My Myers Briggs personality type is INFP. I’m sociable at times, but I mostly treasure my solitude. My S.O. is ENFJ, extraverted, so it is difficult for him to understand my need to be alone when I’ve done too much socializing. I shut down when my body is dumping stress hormones into me for no apparent reason. Things like grocery shopping, driving or making a phone call causes monumental anxiety at that point and cause daily anxiety even when I’m not at that point. I know how to give myself what I need during those times, and I have mostly implemented a strong self care routine, but these days still spontaneously happen. Sometimes my closest can take this very personally, especially my S.O.
I have tried to implement boundaries around time spent together, or at least a general rule of how many days in a row is too many, before I need an alone day. Sometimes bandwidth is different depending on how much time and energy was spent earlier that week and what it was spent doing. Some of my friends and family require more energy and sensory processing than others. I feel like my best friends want to get together way too often, almost every weekend, and sometimes 3-4 invites during the school/work week; which I feel is a bit excessive when you’re a single mom with pets and commitments like music lessons, which also require daily commitment. It was even more difficult to divide my time when I was a working, full time student. I’ve only been with my S.O. a little over a year after taking a 3 year sabbatical from dating and hookups. We got to know each other over that 3 years and we were not romantically attracted to eachother by any means, initially. I chose him based on logic, and not libido. I had other choices but there were too many red flags and misaligned values. I’m happy to report that the attraction and bedroom chemistry soon followed, but I believe it’s because of the respect and platonic love established three years prior.
I’ve also had my two closest friends for over a decade. In the past when I was single with no kids and into partying and hanging out, it was all good. That was before I got to know myself better, and reprioritized my values. Also, life happens and things/people change… I have other friends and lots of family. I have things I want to accomplish. I want to refine my instrument playing. I want a clean house. I want to sleep without being disturbed by another person moving in my bed. I want a dog walk alone in the woods… it’s vital to my well-being. I’m self employed so I have to work around the clock to make things happen too. Sometimes it feels like my best friends don’t have too much else going on in their lives, or other close friends to lean on. Sometimes I feel like they just want me to keep them entertained. One is alcoholic and the other is always having some kind of drama she needs to unload about. Sometimes I change my mind when they have a negative reaction to my telling them I really need a night to myself; which I then beat myself up for not sticking to my boundaries and giving them mixed messages. I’ve read many of the boundaries blogs here on BR. This is a difficult cycle to get out of. Especially with my S.O. because there always seems to be negativity surrounding a day off from eachother. Even if we’ve spent twice the amount of time together than we agreed to…I try to be as pleasant as possible but he gets hurt and pouty, and then I feel wrong for having the need to shutdown and go inward. I then get defensive of not being able to compromise on my need for alone time as part of self care and then he’s upset that he feels like he can’t be hurt or upset by my need to be without him; then I’m upset that he’s upset with me for having this need. Ugh. I love this guy. We make a great and fluid pair 95% of the time. I do feel it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve had, by far. He shows up, he validates me, his affections and effort have not dwindled, we’re taking it slow and not moving in together right away…and now I feel unavailable/hot/cold, when it used to be the other way around, (hence the reason I found this blog.) We’re completely committed, feel completely secure and put our best effort to make eachother feel loved and appreciated and heard, every day. We just keep clashing on these inherent conflicting personality traits and I’m hoping we’ll find a better way to deal with our feelings about it and find a way to accept how eachother is. I have to be more boundaried around not letting other people’s reactions affect my decision or peace, but it can be difficult when my body is in panic mode and also, I can be really good at hiding the symptoms from my closest, as well as myself, I guess. Thank you Natalie, for validating the idea that it’s ok to say no and not stretch yourself too thin, and that you need to be the one to stand for your needs. Helps relieve some of my guilt, especially now that the holidays are right around the corner and it’s going to be a socializing extravaganza. I love this blog. Thanks for all you do!
NATALIE
on 03/12/2019 at 2:21 pm
I think that part of the tension and friction here is possibly stemming from–and obviously I don’t know if you use this terminology with him–this notion of a “day off”. This can easily be misconstrued as you wanting a day off from the relationship and checking out emotionally. Now, this might not be what you actually want and need, but sometimes the way we verbalise needs and wants alienates and the person responds from a place of feeling threatened (or that the relationship is threatened). Or… they take your needs as a withdrawal from the relationship.
You are two separate entities who have also co-created a relationship. Much as there may be plenty of common ground in terms of core values, you’re still two individuals, each with your own needs, expectations, desires, feelings, opinions, character, motivations, fears, baggage, circumstances, personality, temperaments, resources, communication style, etc.
Sometimes where the tension and friction comes from with this issue is that we inadvertently approach things in a defensive manner or are heavy-handed or we overexplain. If you live your life in a way that honours your needs, then while there will, of course, be some discussions about certain things, you won’t feel as if you almost have to ask permission, but there also won’t be so much of a clash. I need quiet time, early nights, time to myself and the like. Sometimes these are more possible than others, but I’ve led with action over chat. I do need, for example, early nights, but I don’t need one seven days a week, and if I did, I would look to how I am spending my days before I would think to curtail my intimate relationships with, for example, my husband and children.
On the flip side, your partner might want to go out a few times a week, and that’s fine for him, it’s just not realistic for him to expect that you will be able to do that. Occasionally, sure, but every week, a few times a week? No. And that doesn’t mean that either of you are wrong — you need to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes without losing sight of yourself.
So, is this really about your partner having a thing against you being of a more introverted nature, or is he, possibly in a convoluted, maybe somewhat insensitive manner, trying to communicate an unmet need? And are you doing the same?
And if your friendships are imbalanced due to some of the issues that they’re grappling with and that you’re maybe trying to act as normal with while experiencing some discomfort, you will need to create healthy boundaries there so that you have energy left for 1) you, 2) your child and 3) your partner. No is 100% OK, just get clear on what you’re really saying no to and about.
Big hugs.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
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This is so timely, Natalie.
Long time BR fan. I have been struggling with guilt over having to turn down more and more invitations, or cancel plans with close friends, family and my S.O. due to overstimulation and stretching my bandwidth. My Myers Briggs personality type is INFP. I’m sociable at times, but I mostly treasure my solitude. My S.O. is ENFJ, extraverted, so it is difficult for him to understand my need to be alone when I’ve done too much socializing. I shut down when my body is dumping stress hormones into me for no apparent reason. Things like grocery shopping, driving or making a phone call causes monumental anxiety at that point and cause daily anxiety even when I’m not at that point. I know how to give myself what I need during those times, and I have mostly implemented a strong self care routine, but these days still spontaneously happen. Sometimes my closest can take this very personally, especially my S.O.
I have tried to implement boundaries around time spent together, or at least a general rule of how many days in a row is too many, before I need an alone day. Sometimes bandwidth is different depending on how much time and energy was spent earlier that week and what it was spent doing. Some of my friends and family require more energy and sensory processing than others. I feel like my best friends want to get together way too often, almost every weekend, and sometimes 3-4 invites during the school/work week; which I feel is a bit excessive when you’re a single mom with pets and commitments like music lessons, which also require daily commitment. It was even more difficult to divide my time when I was a working, full time student. I’ve only been with my S.O. a little over a year after taking a 3 year sabbatical from dating and hookups. We got to know each other over that 3 years and we were not romantically attracted to eachother by any means, initially. I chose him based on logic, and not libido. I had other choices but there were too many red flags and misaligned values. I’m happy to report that the attraction and bedroom chemistry soon followed, but I believe it’s because of the respect and platonic love established three years prior.
I’ve also had my two closest friends for over a decade. In the past when I was single with no kids and into partying and hanging out, it was all good. That was before I got to know myself better, and reprioritized my values. Also, life happens and things/people change… I have other friends and lots of family. I have things I want to accomplish. I want to refine my instrument playing. I want a clean house. I want to sleep without being disturbed by another person moving in my bed. I want a dog walk alone in the woods… it’s vital to my well-being. I’m self employed so I have to work around the clock to make things happen too. Sometimes it feels like my best friends don’t have too much else going on in their lives, or other close friends to lean on. Sometimes I feel like they just want me to keep them entertained. One is alcoholic and the other is always having some kind of drama she needs to unload about. Sometimes I change my mind when they have a negative reaction to my telling them I really need a night to myself; which I then beat myself up for not sticking to my boundaries and giving them mixed messages. I’ve read many of the boundaries blogs here on BR. This is a difficult cycle to get out of. Especially with my S.O. because there always seems to be negativity surrounding a day off from eachother. Even if we’ve spent twice the amount of time together than we agreed to…I try to be as pleasant as possible but he gets hurt and pouty, and then I feel wrong for having the need to shutdown and go inward. I then get defensive of not being able to compromise on my need for alone time as part of self care and then he’s upset that he feels like he can’t be hurt or upset by my need to be without him; then I’m upset that he’s upset with me for having this need. Ugh. I love this guy. We make a great and fluid pair 95% of the time. I do feel it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve had, by far. He shows up, he validates me, his affections and effort have not dwindled, we’re taking it slow and not moving in together right away…and now I feel unavailable/hot/cold, when it used to be the other way around, (hence the reason I found this blog.) We’re completely committed, feel completely secure and put our best effort to make eachother feel loved and appreciated and heard, every day. We just keep clashing on these inherent conflicting personality traits and I’m hoping we’ll find a better way to deal with our feelings about it and find a way to accept how eachother is. I have to be more boundaried around not letting other people’s reactions affect my decision or peace, but it can be difficult when my body is in panic mode and also, I can be really good at hiding the symptoms from my closest, as well as myself, I guess. Thank you Natalie, for validating the idea that it’s ok to say no and not stretch yourself too thin, and that you need to be the one to stand for your needs. Helps relieve some of my guilt, especially now that the holidays are right around the corner and it’s going to be a socializing extravaganza. I love this blog. Thanks for all you do!
I think that part of the tension and friction here is possibly stemming from–and obviously I don’t know if you use this terminology with him–this notion of a “day off”. This can easily be misconstrued as you wanting a day off from the relationship and checking out emotionally. Now, this might not be what you actually want and need, but sometimes the way we verbalise needs and wants alienates and the person responds from a place of feeling threatened (or that the relationship is threatened). Or… they take your needs as a withdrawal from the relationship.
You are two separate entities who have also co-created a relationship. Much as there may be plenty of common ground in terms of core values, you’re still two individuals, each with your own needs, expectations, desires, feelings, opinions, character, motivations, fears, baggage, circumstances, personality, temperaments, resources, communication style, etc.
Sometimes where the tension and friction comes from with this issue is that we inadvertently approach things in a defensive manner or are heavy-handed or we overexplain. If you live your life in a way that honours your needs, then while there will, of course, be some discussions about certain things, you won’t feel as if you almost have to ask permission, but there also won’t be so much of a clash. I need quiet time, early nights, time to myself and the like. Sometimes these are more possible than others, but I’ve led with action over chat. I do need, for example, early nights, but I don’t need one seven days a week, and if I did, I would look to how I am spending my days before I would think to curtail my intimate relationships with, for example, my husband and children.
On the flip side, your partner might want to go out a few times a week, and that’s fine for him, it’s just not realistic for him to expect that you will be able to do that. Occasionally, sure, but every week, a few times a week? No. And that doesn’t mean that either of you are wrong — you need to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes without losing sight of yourself.
So, is this really about your partner having a thing against you being of a more introverted nature, or is he, possibly in a convoluted, maybe somewhat insensitive manner, trying to communicate an unmet need? And are you doing the same?
And if your friendships are imbalanced due to some of the issues that they’re grappling with and that you’re maybe trying to act as normal with while experiencing some discomfort, you will need to create healthy boundaries there so that you have energy left for 1) you, 2) your child and 3) your partner. No is 100% OK, just get clear on what you’re really saying no to and about.
Big hugs.