Over ten years ago, I found myself involved with someone very aggressive, mostly verbal, and then on one occasion, after I spoke for ‘too long’ with a friend, it was physical aggression. In the apartment he yelled and in turn, I played a role I’d learned long before, and yelled back, even knocking stuff off the coffee table. He continued to come up in my face and yell at me and when I reminded him of some recent lies of his, he stomped off to the bathroom. I followed and asked him to come out as I stood in the doorway and then staring right at me, he slammed the door at me, walloping my wrist. I fled and ended up walking the streets in a daze in the middle of the night and eventually went back. He told me it was my fault.
It felt like some weird confirmation of everything I’d suspected about relationships and myself up to that point.
The following day we attended a function we’d previously agreed to where he acted like nothing had happened as I winced my way around the place, and for another couple of weeks, you’d almost believe things were normal. Three weeks and some more lies and verbal abuse, and I was out. Scared, but out.
A few years later, I was doing something else I’d sworn I’d never ever do – I was involved with the guy who had a girlfriend. At first I believed there must be something wrong with her if he was straying, then I thought there must be something wrong with me if he was staying. Eighteen months and I hit some serious lows. I didn’t believe I was capable of leaving. So I’d leave and go back. The mind f*ckery was unbelievable. I talked a lot about ‘love’ ’emotions’ ‘connection’ and kept saying how nobody could understand my situation.
But of course, I did leave. Eventually.
So here’s what I know based even on just those two experiences:
When I believed that I couldn’t leave, I didn’t leave. Nobody who believes they can’t leave, leaves. Or if they do, they go back. This is simply because we find reasons to legitimise that position. If we didn’t, we’d realise we can leave which would put us in the position of leaving. I’d learned that you stay so I closed off options.
It’s that narcissist within all of us that believes our situation is wholly unique or that nobody can understand or it can only be understood if you’ve experienced exactly that. I’m not the first person to be physically/emotionally hurt by someone and sadly, I won’t be the last.
When I believed that I could leave or that I could anything else, I did leave and did those ‘anything else’. Saying I could leave, albeit with a wobbly voice, terrified mind, and shaky body, meant I found umpteen things that showed I could. Other people in far more horrendous situations leave, so why couldn’t I?
I have friends, family, acquaintances, readers that have left after 1, 5, 10, 15, 20 years and beyond. When they consistently started thinking that they could leave instead of shutting down the thoughts or feeling resigned to being a victim, they all left. In fact, I have a reader whose ex nearly killed her and left her for dead on a road, held her prisoner after she got out of hospital and she escaped. She told me all she knew was she had to get out and she found a way.
Before you commit to saying you can’t do something, make sure that you’ve answered the question of what is so fundamentally unique about your situation that it’s impossible to do so? Don’t say it’s love – that’s the bullshit excuse we tell ourselves. What’s the real reason?
Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you will take yourself down the path that fits either one.
I can and I could so I will.
You can and you could so you will.
When it’s negative, it’s: I can’t, and I wouldn’t, so I won’t.
I used many reasons and excuses back then – my logic was based on my beliefs and my wounded self-esteem – I over-intellectualised my situation in the context of how I looked at things.
My old logic doesn’t make sense now because I’ve changed and I looked at those relationships in the context of what I knew even outside of me. There were three things that pierced through my thought process:
I knew that abusing someone is fundamentally unacceptable. It’s not something I wanted in my own life. Even if I had annoyed him, I didn’t deserve that treatment. He was this way with others too – why did I need the validation of converting an assclown?
I recognised that being in so much pain wasn’t love, it was pain and if I wanted it to stop, I had to remove myself from the pain source and differentiate between pain and love.
I don’t believe in being with someone else’s partner. The answer wasn’t to persist in bulldozing him to leave her to get back to my values. The answer was to admit my mistake and get back to living by my values.
I read a comment that told me how it’s so easy to intellectualise a bad situation and that what she reads “does not make me human to it. There’s a difference between understanding and knowing why, to actually having the strength to do anything about it.”
Actually, what makes us all human to a situation, especially our own situation is us. When people ask me what the biggest barrier to No Contact or leaving a relationship is, it’s us. If we detach ourselves from the reality of a situation/normalise it and look for reasons to deny, excuse, or minimise things that have happened or to legitimise our beliefs about why we can’t go, NC/leaving fails.
We act like something doesn’t apply to us because to accept that it does pierces holes in our ‘staying strategy’.
Sometimes it’s easier to say you have no strength because you can focus on the other person and what you think they’re doing to stop you from having strength. The strength however comes from you – you all have it, you’re just not always tapping into it. Unless they’re keeping you prisoner or have threatened you, often what stops us from walking is a fear of what they might do or what we will have to do and be without them.
Sometimes, it’s literally as simple as putting one foot in front of the other and walking or not answering a call. Then you keep walking and you keep not taking the call.
I hadn’t always known whether I had the strength to leave a relationship but I realised you never know your own strength till you use it. Opting out is a strength trigger. It might not be Popeye levels but it’s often more than what you think it is and that in itself is a start and gives you something to build on.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
Add to favorites
“I knew that abusing someone is fundamentally acceptable. It’s not something I wanted in my own life. ”
Uh, I think you want to say is fundamentally UNacceptable.
One thing – when physical violence, or even verbal abuse happens early in a relationship, it’s easier to recognize and get out of Dodge. When it happens *later,* in the course of a relationship that seemed to start well, it can be insidious; it’s easy for the victim to blame herself (or himself) and wonder what s/he did to make it happen. This can lead to weeks, months, or years in a relationship that yes, you think you CAN’T leave, because is your job to rescue the wonderful person you originally fell for.
It’s also easy to turn oneself into a martyr: “I can’t leave, because only *I* see the good at the heart of this poor troubled person,” and again, “I *can’t* leave because I am financially dependent on him/her” (or “s/he is financially dependent on me.”) Yes, you CAN – and you MUST. No matter how long you’ve been in it, it is never too late to leave.
Perfectly Awful,
I am soo in tune with you. Yes and it was my narcicistic “me” that stayed because nobody understood “my situation” and nobody could see the “good in him” that “I only could see”.
Now I can only laugh at myself and think how stupid I was. Also another excuse was like “what would he think about me?” he will accuse me of abandon him! like I would be the bad person.
It took me 7 years (this is an exbf that was 14 years my senior) , and when I finally grew a backbone and stand up and said I wasn’t taking this sh$t anymore and that either he changed or i was leaving, then he found another victim, and it hurt but he made me a big favor.
NATALIE
You are always soo right!!! thanks for your openess and sincerity and to all the other posters here, thanks a lot.!!
Wow, I just wanna say that this is really powerful and I can tell how deeply personal. It must have been quite empowering to write it out even today when so much time has passed!
Wow Natalie,you have been trought pretty bad stuff.Thank God I have never beem phsicaly abused like that but I can imagine how awful it might be.Im struggling with leting go now,for more I know that I should(for my own good) Im finding very hard to do so.That guy I mentioned on my last coment just stood me up today.So besides being vague about when he will see me,asking me for money(that I doubt that he will pay) and having me paying things for him,he does that.All my friends keep asking me why I keep putting up with all that and that they would have left on the first disrectfull behaviour already.And I keep asking myself that too but cant come up with a answer.Anyway your post is timely to remind me the importance to let go,even when it is hard.
Anusha
You’re not “letting go”, you’re gonna dump his sorry ass.
Physical abuse is very dramatic and obvious. But when I was in a physically abusive relationship, it was the emotional abuse that hurt more, strangely. The lack of trust, the destruction of self-esteem, the belittling, all of that was in fact more painful than being punched etc. I’m not excusing the physical abuse but we shouldn’t run away with the idea that emotional abuse is less serious. All abuse is serious, and someone taking money from you and standing you up is using you – not in a life threatening way, true, but it’s hurtful and unacceptable.
And be careful, once you start down this path of accepting the unacceptable, one day you could find yourself in a physically abusive situation. That’s how I ended up there, just letting men over and over again get away with shite. It chips away at your beliefs until you find yourself in a terrible situation wondering how you got there.
And you don’t need an answer, you need to DO something. I’d say that to anyone, including myself.
Thanks grace.Im so hurt and angry now that I just feel like crying and hiting something.I even thought about revange to be honest(although I know isnt a good idea).How he can use me like that? Realy wich kind of person can play with somebody fellings like that? That is realy not a nice thing to do.If he doesnt like me/want to be with me he should say so instead of keep saying he does just to keep me around so he can take what he wants from me.And until now he not even bothered to call to explain why he didnt show up today.Very disrepectfull.
But I just know one thing,now I want my money back and I will make sure he pays it.
Anusha,
May I just say two things I notice here. And, believe me, I speak from my own experience at asking some of these same things of my ex-AC.
Firstly, we can drive ourself nuts trying to rationalize irrational behavior. Because it can’t be done. It’s like a trick question. Instead of asking why he behaves this way or that, I hope you will eventually ask yourself why you continue to LET him treat you that way. Just because you don’t know HIS reasons is no reason to stay.
Secondly, you have pointed out in more than one post that you KNOW he won’t pay you back. And now you have decided you will make sure he pays. I’m not saying you don’t deserve to be paid back your money, but holding on to this impossible request for your money is really a way of holding on to him. Believe me, I have been in a couple of those situations myself (not even romantically), and I came to the conclusion that the money was put towards tuition in the school of hard knocks. And that holding the grudge and holding out for the money was way more costly to my well-being than letting that particular issue go. I really believe it will cost you more in the long run, perhaps monetarily, if you hire an attorney. But it will definitely cost you even more of your mental health and well-being and self-esteem to stay connected to him in any way.
anusha
he doesn’t respect you, listen to you, pay back the money or follow through on arrangements because he doesn’t want to. WE can’t get YOU to do what you don’t want to do, even though you agree with us! what are the chances you’ll get this moron to do what HE doesn’t want to do? if you want to play along with him, by all means do so but don’t expect him to do what he doesn’t want to do. that just doesn’t happen in the adult world, and especially not in AC-ville.
I guess it was the anger talking on my last coment.I was so angry at him and just wanted some kind of revange and I guess that I used making sure that he pays me back a way to have it.Like if he was after me for the money that he wouldnt get away with it.Anyway is silly I know now that I calmed down a litle and that probably just will keep me tied to him.
ANUSHA
I was in the same situation with my ex-EUM. He owes me money but I realized that there is nothing I can do to force him to pay me back, so I have decided thay my emotional health is worth much more that the money. What I did, when ever I decided to go NC, I called him and let him a voicemail that I wasn’t calling back and that I was done with him, and I told him hat it was in “his hands” to pay me back and that I wished him the best and that I knew he will pay me one day but that I wouldn’t be calling him for that or any other matter.
I think that way I free myself and forced me to not use the money excuse to break the NC.
Thats what I did.
Here are reasons I “couldn’t” leave (not all the same person):
He’ll kill me (literally)
I’ll never have sex again (this might actually turn out to be true, ha)
We’ve bought a house together
We’ve broken up a dozen times already, there’s no point breaking up again
I’m too depressed
I’m too old
I love him (this one makes me laugh now)
I don’t know anyone else here
It’ll hurt too much
But I did leave. Not always in the best way – often launching myself into yet another crappy relationship. I do NOT recommend lining someone else up before you jump ship. That’s just a way of avoiding the pain, which will actually bring on MORE pain.
Yes we are all special and unique INDIVIDUALS. However, these SITUATIONS are not at all special or unique. They are depressingly similar. Many have trod this path before and escaped. So can you.
The only caveat is if you genuinely believe he will kill you, in which case seek the advice of a women’s shelter and the help of anybody you know who seems sympathetic – a friend, colleague, even your HR department. When I was in that situation I was out in less than 24 hours with the clothes on my back. It’s absolutely possible. You CAN do it.
Natalie, your quote: “It felt like some weird confirmation of everything I’d suspected about relationships and myself up to that point” was a thought I had one night in an earlier relationship. I was lying curled up on the floor after he’d upended that mattress with me on it and then proceeded to harangue me for over half an hour with me just lying frozen and keeping me eyes shut ’cause I couldn’t fight back anymore. I then had the fleeting thought that “This feels right. This is the way it’s supposed to be.”
I realized immediately what a scary thought that was, how beaten down I’d become when that sort of behaviour seemed like what I DESERVED. It still took another two years to actually get away but the realization of how low I’d sunk began to take root. Also I developed a good friend who got me into the world, boosted my confidence and showed me that I was a valuable and well-liked person.
After that relationship, I took three years off from men, thought I was better only to get myself in an even worse one. Not physically abusive but with an outright narcissist this time. Because while I avoided men and read self-help books, I never DID anything about changing myself. I thought I was wiser now and would never do that again.
Then came narcissist guy. Strangely enough when I first met him, I thought he was a player and respond to his overtures. Then he changed his game, pretended to admire my dog, want to go for walks with me and we’d spend hours in the park talking about ourselves and he would listen and seemed so into me. So first date was fantastic. Then came the drop. After that first date, he then made excuses not to show up on three separate occasions during that weekend. Finally at the end of the day on Sunday after I spent all of Saturday and Sunday waiting, he called to say he was coming over “now.” I told him not to bother, hung up and felt ever so proud of myself for standing up for the first time in my life. I called my sister to tell her and while doing so, he called again. She told me not to answer but I admit I was curious and answered. He then gave me such a story of how upset he was and how much he’d been looking forward to getting together, but blah blah blah. Unfortunately, I was so overwhelmed that SOMEONE actually was devastated over me that I weakened, accepted his excuses and let him back. BAD BAD MISTAKE.
He knew he had me then, knew how to play me and that I would accept his future horrible abuse, lies, cheating, taking all my money (’cause “he was just in a bad situation” I thought), ignoring and invalidating me until I froze up, became numb and went into amoeba mode, doing only what I needed to survive and nothing more. But I became so used to the drama, obsessing on the relationship, obsessing about trying not to obsess, and then trying not to obsess about the obsessing over the obsessing. No wonder I had no energy left.
Anyway, it took 12 long long years for my “operating self” or “heart” to get what my mind had realized from the beginning. He was/is a sh*t, a user, an empty nothing of a human being but I kept making excuses for him and worse for me, not wanting to go through the pain of learning to live with little old flawed me and doing the work necessary to progress. To become a human being again instead of a bank machine/caretaker/block of ice.
But thank goodness, I’ve finally “gotten” it. Still taking time to absorb that it’s over, still in a major state of numbness, but for the first time in many years started pulling out my self-help books and was able to really absorb what was written instead of escaping with computer games and escapist books.
And you, dear Natalie, and this site are to a very large part, responsible for this getting it. I’ve always intellectualized my issues, could have become a therapist what with all the knowledge I’ve absorbed, but never did anything with all that wisdom and knowledge. It’s enormously difficult allowing myself to feel, almost beyond belief since it’s been my life-long pattern to avoid bad feelings, wanting only to feel good. This, however, has ensured that I only feel bad or nothing at all, which is even worse. And I’m going way too much on, so enough already. Once one takes one’s finger out of the dike, all the buried stuff starts pouring out, LOL.
Thanks!!!
Natalie
I agree with everything you say. Its about taking ownership and knowing your own strength. I have focused my energy on him for so long I was almost scared to look at and into myself. I sit in my therapy sessions and as soon as she asks me to talk about my feelings I go all fidgety, body conscious and shy. Like you said on my earlier posts I have somewhat detached myself from my feelings, and can openly say things that would deeply shock others like I am reading a shopping list. I replace my feelings with thinking and analysing, as that is my way of coping. I have never been able to talk about my feelings at home, my mum responds with the constant ‘get over it’, so therefore I feel unimportant. My feelings are the deepest part of me, and because I dont feel secure about who I really am I bury them deep down inside of me and like you say normalise any bad behaviour as though it is perfectly run of the mill.
I can leave, I will leave and I will in time love myself. I will reach those feelings at some point, when I am ready. I am scared that they are too painful, and to have to acknowledge those feelings is to acknowledge my true self. It seemed so much easier to hide behind someone elses problems, no matter how much damage it did to me internally.
Aw Cherry
I know how you feel. It IS hard to talk about your feelings when you’ve never done it. I used to think that I didn’t have emotions, they were something other people had. Your therapist has heard it all before and worse. You’re investing the time and maybe the money to see her, so do try to open up. When you start talking you’ll learn a lot about yourself. In my first session with my counsellor I started bawling like a baby, I couldn’t get a word out. Still, it broke the ice, lol. And at least whatever denial/justification I was giving him after that, he knew that deep down I was really hurting.
And it may not be as hard as you think to dump this man. Don’t scare yourself too much. When I dumped the last guy finally (it took a couple of attempts), I was fine. I expected to feel awful and instead I just felt better and better!
One day my therapist opened my eyes to the difference between “I can’t” and “I won’t” but from a different perspective. My bf at the time who had been ready to do and try everything at the begining of our relationship (he won me over again after 13 years apart) suddenly 6 monts into it had all these engagements that were just getting in the way of us getting closer. He wrote me this long letter where he said that because of all his engagements, he “couldn’t” do this or that or the other. Can’t, can’t, can’t… then my therapist asked “he can’t or he won’t?” and it hit me like a ton of brick… “Can’t” implies some obstacle or limitation that is outside of your control. And when it comes to relationships we are in control and we make the decisions. In the end, he just didn’t want it bad enough and I had to accept that fact and walk away.
@Lesley Binnie/Thanks for wise words Nikki, I have just landed on the rocks again with a man who behaved very similarly. In the beginning I truly felt he was doing all he could to engage me in what seemed a stimulating,loving relationship,including much promises of commitment.( Much of the articles of Natalie’s on ‘Future Fakery’now resonate) However over last month or so…he literally had all sorts of ‘engagements’that prevented him being with me. Including turning up at his ex wife’s house in a big city after a night out because in his words…. ‘It was too late to get home to the town where he lives ‘ Despite trains/buses/ taxi’s running continuously!This was bit of a straw that broke my back as he’d been having lots of nights outs,weekends with’the boys’ as well.
He’d say my anger was a problem when I protested. I’d shut up and think it was my fault…
The words of love to me continued but the actions didn’t ensue. I read this article tonight and realise if I was reading another woman’s words I would say to her’ Move on’. He’s very probably a serial future faker,still wants his ex wife or is never going to be ready for a long term relationship where the pull of ‘his boys’ are so strong….
I embrace entirely what your therapist said and am glad it gave you clarity. If men love us they would not risk the relationship so many times. He could have saw me if he wanted to,he simply just didn’t want to enough.
The article has also made me quell my narcissistic ego which was telling me but we were unique and could make it work somehow… that I should believe him about how special it all was…
I have been in bad pain and I’m responsible and capable of stopping it. He didn’t treat me well repeatedly ,he won’t take responsibility for that.End of. x
Nikki…your therapist’s insight into “I can’t” and “I won’t” is eye opening . Yes there is a huge difference between the two and I like so many people take it for the same thing all the time but I won’t anymore.
I couldn’t, wouldn’t leave my ex husband.
I was pregnant at five months he told me he didn’t love me anymore and he would leave when the child was born. He left when my daughter was five months old (she’s now 20) Before he left I discovered he was having an affair with a woman who said she wouldn’t accept him with a child. I was forced to go back to work (yes forced) I was forced to beg him on my knees to put his name on his childs birth certificate.
I went back to work, I had a fling. I told him about it. He hit me. He forced his way back into the home and I stayed with him under his threat that if I didn’t accept it he would take my daughter away from me. I believed him.
We had our son the following year. When my daughter was seven he had another affair. That time I told him to FO! He left, but I got nostalgic, he came back to give it another shot. We moved house. The arguments got worse. I was made to sleep on a sofa for TEN years.
I couldn’t leave him, I didn’t know how to. I was stuck. He was an emotional rollercoaster. I honestly believed he would make my life hell and try and take my children. Even though he was wrapped my in taking cannabis, having flings, blaming me for his problems. I stayed because my self esteem was shattered.
The problems escalated, I became the ultimate bitch, really mean. He became the ultimate bastard and told me to live my life – so I did. We only ever had one family holiday together. I did everything myself, inclusive of pay bills.
Enter the MM. He saw me as a vulnerable opportunity and I played right into it with a shattered and low self esteem. I kidded myself that I just wanted company when my inner self was screaming: THIS IS WRONG!
One day my ex husband threatened me with divorce. By then I knew he had no balls so I said okay, then he relented and so did I. I went away with my GF’s to America for a holiday when I got back he said again that he wanted a divorce. My daughter begged him to stay until she finished her A levels. He left before she did finish them. He got his family to help him out of the house – power in numbers and to make me feels threatened.
As he was leaving I said: “When you walk out that door you will never walk back into my life or this house.”
I started divorce proceedings the following day. He never got a solicitor but used mine. He had been the singular most abusive and manipulative man I have ever met. The MM was second.
I stand up to him now. I go with my gut, I respect myself and my feelings. I gave up on the MM because it was WRONG. I divorced my husband because he was abusive and still is. I cringe when I hear his dominant nast voice trying to talk over me. Him and his family are a nasty bunch of individuals.
I used to feel ashamed. Now I know why it all happened to me – it stems not from my childhood, but from an accident that left me with scars that I have now had repaired.
I was a young strong woman recovering from a car accident and cancer with huge eyes, I didn’t feel worthy. I should have dumped the ex husband when we were dating and he went on holiday and said “If i sleep with someone on holiday there is nothing you can do about it”
27 years later I DUMPED him – better late than never. 🙂
YAY, for you, Leigh!!! Go, girl!!!
Feels so good when it’s FINALLY over. Yeah, lots of regret over how we SHOULD have done it earlier and the emotional effect of the abuse will be painful. But, and a big but, we have our lives back. For the first time in many many years, I feel hope starting to tug on my apron strings, saying, “Hey, Nance, welcome back!”
@Natalie: your honesty bowls me over….
the most dangerous thing that any woman can believe is that she doesn’t have options.
And regarding No Contact: i think that no contact needs to become a state of mind as well the acts of not responding, etc. its taken me a while to get to the stage where no contact is a state of mind. I suppose for it to become a state of mind, we have to be active and take the necessary steps to block the assclowns/abusers off. For me, changing my number and defriending him and blocking him on facebook has been a lot more powerful than just not responding. I think there’s a big difference between just not responding and blocking him.. When I decided to change my number, I was making a commitment to myself to fully heal from the bad relationship and I was also giving him a neon light signal that he’s not allowed to be a part of my life in any shape or form.
Ladies, if you are in the process of no contact, i recommend changing your number. Frig it! i don’t understand why I didn’t do it sooner… but if i’m honest i was not 100% ready to really kick his ass to the kerb eventhough I knew he was not good for me….
So i can understand why women really struggle to leave an abusive relationship… it’s very difficult when you’re in it because you can’t see the wood from the trees and its so hard when your mind is being messed with… BUT once i began to see that “I HAD OPTIONS” ( i dont have to put up with this bs) i was able to walk away.
I have been reading here for so long, but have never told my story. I haven’t read one like it, and it is so humiliating. Much of the advice I read here applies to my situation, but is kind of a unique situation. It started out as a regular assclown story. I had been in 2 abusive marriages, and my self esteem was a bit low. I was looking for a way to dull the pain, and thought that meeting a new man was the answer. (wrong of course) So, I decided to go on an internet dating site. Right away I met a man who seemed so wonderful. He was a principal of a local school, and I had been a teacher for many years, and I thought of principals as typically nice, trustworthy people. (wrong to assume) I emailed back and forth with him every day for a while. He seemed so sweet, and when he sent me his picture I was shocked at how good looking he was. I am not attracted to many people, and there was an instant attraction, even before seeing him in person. After a while, he gave me his number and asked if I wanted to text. I said yes, and gave him my number. He would text me once in a while from school or wherever, and I was really excited about it, and really wanting to meet him in real life. I was disappointed when the weekend came, and he didn’t suggest we meet. I was texting with him on Friday night, and I told him I was at home, and a bit bored. He asked me what I wanted to do . I told him I wanted to go for a walk. He said to go for it, but to be careful though. I asked if he wanted to meet me, and I meant walk with me. He said he would love to but he had a couple of drinks and shouldn’t drive. He asked if I wanted to come over to his house. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to go over there to walk in his neighborhood even though going to a man’s house at night to meet him for the first time is probably not such a good idea. I was a bit more trusting though, because I knew for a fact that he was a principal, and he had once taught in my district. I thought it would be okay to trust him. I drove over to his house. He opened the door, and we went into the kitchen. He offered me a drink. He asked me to sit in the livingroom. I sat by him and we talked for just a couple of minutes, and then he put his arm around me and started kissing me. Within seconds, he had his hands in my pants, up my shirt, etc. I pushed away and told him that I thought we were going to go for a walk. He started again. I stopped him and told him that I was hoping to get to know him. He told me that I was getting to know him. He started again. He kept telling me to have more of my drink. Like an idiot, I did. Still, he kept trying, and I told him at one point that I would have to leave. He said he would stop, but then he would start again after like 3 seconds. I should have figured out that this man was after one thing, but I don’t know if it was the alcohol, or the fact that I was just so attracted to him, that I finally gave in and decided to to with it. He didn’t have protection, so he asked for what I assumed was the next best thing. I did it. He then fell asleep on the sofa. I woke him up and he walked me to my car. He kissed me good by and said he would text me in the morning.
The next morning I didn’t hear from him. By late afternoon, I was starting to feel a bit concerned. I really liked him already, and didn’t want it to just be a one night stand. I texted him. He seemed happy to hear from me. He said he liked what I did. I have never had anyone say the things he said to me. At first I was slightly upset and shocked. Then, after a minute, it felt really exciting. We ended up chatting on facebook. He didn’t mention seeing me again, and I was dying to see him again. I did what any idiot would do, and offered sex to get him to see me. He was very interested in that. He had been complaining that he had so much stress at work. I told him that I knew a good way to relieve his stress. He was so excited. He asked if I could meet him at the mall parking lot in the morning. I thought this sounded insane. He wanted to have sex in a parking lot at 9am? He said it would be fine. I decided to meet him, but wondered what exactly he had in mind.
At 9am I met him, and I got into his truck. We drove out into the country while he looked for a place to park. He had his walkie talkie with him, and he had to answer questions about where he was and such. He told whoever was looking for him that he had to run home for a minute. Then he pulled over on the side of the road and said how about here? Then he kissed me for a minute and unzipped his pants. It took me a couple of seconds to realize what he had in mind. He wasn’t moving from his seat. He was just waiting for me to do it to him. Feeling a bit embarrassed, after all this wasn’t what I had in mind, I decided I better just do it, so I did. He seemed to like it so much that I felt kind of good about it. When we got back to the parking lot, he kissed me good by. I drove home feeling a bit weird about the whole thing, but there was something exciting about it, and I was already so infatuated with him.
After that, he texted me about 2 or 3 times a week to meet him. We met in parking lots mostly, and then later at his house a lot, and sometimes at the business that he owned and worked at after school. I even did it in the school parking lot, and in his office a couple of times. We also did it in his back yard. I found the whole thing really exciting. I did this for 9 months. After the first couple of times I met him, he didn’t even touch me at all anymore, except for a quick kiss to say good by. I felt so bad that he didn’t want more, and that he didn’t seem attracted to me. He never complimented me in any way except to say that I was really good at it. I felt unattractive, and anxious. My self esteem really suffered. He chatted about being with other ‘girls” as he called us. He was always asking me on facebook and in texts if I would “do it with another girl”. I would be feeling so happy about the attention from him, and then he would say that, and my heart would sink. It just reminded me that he really didn’t care for me. Still, I felt addicted to him, and though I tried many times, I couldn’t get myself to stop seeing him. We never went anywhere in public together. Apparently I was a secret. He told me that he wasn’t in a relationship, and that wasn’t going to change. Sometimes I thought maybe he was gay. Sometimes I thought he really just didn’t want a relationship like he said. It kept going until one day when he wasn’t answering me. I got upset that he was ignoring me. I decided I wouldn’t speak to him for a week. I was hoping that would help me get over him. I wanted to get away. I felt like I was in love with him, and he didn’t even seem to like me. I thought he was telling the truth when he said that he just didn’t want a relationship, but after a little over a week, he changed his facebook status to “in a relationship” and there was a picture of his girlfriend. It has been about six weeks. I texted him and sent messages, hoping for some kind of closure or explanation, but got none. I poured my heart out, and he just ignored me. I have been in absolute misery. I cry every day over this, and my heart aches like nothing I have ever felt before. I hate him for throwing me out like this, without even telling me what happened. I hate myself for being so stupid, and letting him use me until he found someone he wanted. I didn’t realize that was what was happening, but I should have. I keep thinking that time will help, but I don’t feel any better. I miss him, but I know he’s not for me. I don’t want to be with someone who treats people this way, and I know he isn’t to be trusted. I just feel so wounded. I try to stay busy and focus on other things, but it is always there in my mind, all day, making me feel sad and ill. When will this end? And please don’t tell me how stupid I have been. Believe me, I already know. I just didn’t see the forest for the trees. Now it’s all clear, but the pain isn’t going away.
major (can’t bring myself to call you “fool”)
my heart goes out to you. i’m sure many women, young and old, have had sex with men against their better judgement. i know i have.
do not pursue this person anymore or have any further contact with him. he’s just not a decent person despite his job title. it’s hard not to obssess about it when someone has hurt you this much; if it becomes impossible consider seeing a doctor/counsellor. that’s what i had to do. i expect you still have some healing to do from the abusive relationships as well.
these crappy men don’t define you, you are still a special person. they are just blips in the road to a more authentic, stronger you.
Well said Grace… One Major, this guy is a class A user….(don’t feel stupid – every woman had made a bad choice at some stage in her life, i know i have and more than once too).
The way to win in this situation is to put him out of your mind as much as possible and begin to enjoy life again. i know that’s easier said that done but it’s the only way and have absolutely no contact — block him on facebook, take him off your facebook so you’re not tempted to check up on him…
You won’t get closure, you must get closure yourself by not contacting him. Would it help you to change your number?? Personally, i think you should because he may contact you again and you might fall off the wagon and changing your number will be a new start for you.
@Major – Yes and don’t envy his girlfriend either. The woman is going out with a horrible, lying, cheating assclown. Count yourself lucky that you found out what he’s really like and have knowledge that she doesn’t.
I really feel for you. He totally took advantage of you. You did nothing wrong beyond continuing to let it happen. You need to spoil yourself, indulge you and treat yourself well. You will get closure in time and you absolutely don’t need him for that!
I don’t believe you were really in love with him either – how could you be in love with someone you don’t know and who uses you so ruthlessly? I think you were in love with the thrill and the drama.
You can do this! Everyone has made mistakes, you just have to get yourself to a point where you won’t make the same mistakes again.
I really feel for you too Major – I think A LOT of women have been in a similar situation. I know I have, to one extent or another! Don’t let it make you feel bad about yourself – how this jerk chose to treat you is no reflection on you. Decent men don’t act like that. They just don’t! I have platonic male friends that date around and hook up on occasion, but, as they are decent human beings, they just don’t behave like this. It’s deeply crappy behavior and let it be a reflection on HIM not on YOU! Hang in there, it will get better!!
Wow, I had almost erased all that stuff from my memory. My trigger point was finding my 5 yo son at the top of the stairs rocking back and forth and crying. He could hear all the yelling and smashing of stuff, and so could my 15 yo daughter. How could I put them through that? How could I think that ‘if I only loved him enough he’d stop drinking, and treating US that way’. In that moment I knew that I loved my children and myself enough to get US out of there. And it was rough for a year or two afterwards, but now it’s like it was someone else. I know I am strong enough to tackle anything now, the sense of inner strength that I gained from the experience is the gift. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.
What an amazing post. What a courageous, giving person you are Natalie to share this with your readers. You are doing a service with this blog and, as you can tell from the comments, we all deeply appreciate it!
When I was breaking things off with my AC, it was odd, because I am always one to keep my composure and I couldn’t understand why I felt frantic to get away from this person…who on the surface of things was just using me, a sadly everyday occurance in the world. When I speaking to him (or yelling if I’m being honest) I had this image in my mind of a rope that I was trying to cut as quickly as possible. I just kept thinking “What can I say to ‘turn him off’? I want this man to never come back!” All I really managed to say was that I didn’t believe anything he said and wanted nothing to do with him and refused his offers of friendship. Since then, I haven’t been able to really understand why I feel so disturbed by what happened. Like I said, how out of the ordinary is it for a man to use fancy words to get a woman into bed and keep her around as an ego boost?
Today, I had a bit of an epiphany. I realized why I was so panicked and was willing to sound like a banshee in order to turn him off enough that he would never come back. What really upset me about him was his ability to fake, with pitch perfect precision, deep feelings for me. The words and gestures were those of someone deeply in love. Obviously it made no sense that he would feel that way and I think that’s why I was so wary from the start.
I had the day off from work today and I thought that if I was ever going to let this mess go, I had to really think about why it upset me SO much. I knew in my heart of hearts that it had absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. This man was obviously not a loss in any shape or form. It’s not like I haven’t had a man lie to have sex with me before and I have always seen it for what it was, chalked it up to experience and moved on. So why did I feel sick everytime I thought of this particular one? I realized today that I’d seen it before. Three years ago I had a boyfriend that seemed perfect – kind, giving and crazy about me. All the words and gestures that say love were there. However, I hadn’t had any “real” relationships and didn’t know how to spot the red flags. This “perfect boyfriend” wound up calling me names, slapping me and choking me because I forgot to pick up his dry cleaning.
I have no idea whether the AC I broke it off with is an abuser. I sincerely hope not. What I can say is this: if your mind, your gut and your common sense are telling you something is wrong…LEAVE.
I have been out of my abusive relationship now for eight months. After reading this I tried to come up with concrete reasons why I stayed with him for 4 years. Its funny that I had lots of reasons and excuses at the time but can’t come up with one solid one now. He isn’t that attractive, he’s shallow, he’s a coward, he’s a fraud and really immature ( and his wanker is wee wee). My whole perspective has changed and I can’t understand why I stayed or tried to reason with him or myself. Why did I want him so bad. I can only think it was the gradual eroding of my self esteem and confusion. It’s scary when you feel like you have no control. I do know why I left though. A switch went off in me. I couldn’t take it anymore and was losing control of myself. I was losing my mind and became afraid more of that than losing him. He was literally driving me insane. Looking back though, I had control all along. All I had to do was leave. His actions made the illusion that he was in control. Natalie is so right. There is no “I can’t leave” . If we are honest with ourselves, what we really mean is “I won’t leave.” What a waste of 4 years on a broken man.
This is a tough post and a rough thread for me too. It brought me back to my first abusive bf (at 16) who kicked me and broke my thumb for smoking ciragettes. The thumb still acts up on cold days and I’m 51 now. But he was so amazing, he provided me with his car, an automatic, so I could get to school with my broken thumb. Oh dear god. Fast, fast forward…to 30 an then 41. Two more abusive males. If a man hits, kicks, shoves, pushes or lays a violent hand on a woman, she needs to run as fast as she can. Males are bigger, stronger, and can kill a woman with a single blow. I’m 5’2 on a good day, 106 lbs on a good day, and if a male decides to smack me there is nothing I can say or do but run. The absolute worst abuse I encountered at 41 was the verbal abuse. He was a “colleague” and just shredded me into pieces. It took five years of expensive therapy do dig out of that hole. Now, I see him in the hallway at school and I wish I could deck him. In any event, run. If they are phyically abusive, RUN. If they are verbally abusive, RUN. I’m so sorry. I have been there. It is the most awful experience. Please RUN. What they told me and it did work, pack a suitcase with your stuff, if there are children, pack their suitcase too. Find a shelter. RUN and don’t look back. It is true. You don’t need them.
As a professional social worker I have to throw my 2 cents in here. If you are being physically abused and thinking of leaving you need to have a solid plan. It’s not as easy as just deciding to go, especially if you have kids. Don’t berate yourself if it takes awhile to find the courage. Many abused women become so isolated by their abusers that it takes a long time for them to realize they don’t have to stay. Added to this are the financial and safety considerations again,particularly with kids involved. Finally, the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves. Most domestic tragedies happen at this time. By all means go, you must save yourself , but get your ducks in a row. Let people know, call your domestic abuse resources and they will help you get what you need, including restraining orders if necessary, and help you set up a plan to get out and stay safe. I don’ t mean to be an alarmist but this is the sad reality. You deserve better, you don’t have to stay and there is help out there to get you out safely and on your feet.
Ms A – I could not agree with you more. Safety Plan is a MUST HAVE! Unfortunately been there – done that. You KNOW its time to leave when you are watching the clock – they will be home soon – and you are praying for the state patrol to come and tell you they died in some horrific crash. Or you can count on both hands the number of times you have been pulled out of the car by your hair or slammed against a wall for being disobediant. I know what it is to run – back in the day when all the police would do was make him leave – for a while. Now they locken up – no question. Back then restraining order were just pieces of paper. Brusies fade and broken bones heal but the emotional scars are far worse and can last a lifetime. Get out – get help. They scariest thought I had was this… one day he IS going to kill me but at least I have a better chance of surviving if I GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Better a duck on the run than a sitting duck.
Like you, Natalie, I recently “woke up” in a relationship that ticked all the boxes I swore I would never tolerate – abusive, disrespectful, painful, pointless. It took me a while to disengage from him but I did it. At first, I beat myself up because I didn’t do it sooner, didn’t do it faster or with more certainty. Then I realized I had done it. As much as I wanted the relationship and was willing to tolerate a lot to get it, some small part of me cared about me more. Some piece of me still recognized that I deserved better, that this wasn’t right and that I needed to get away. It has cost me enormously – I have lost my job, my home and have to leave the country because of it but my well-being and sanity were worth it. I am worth it. I can always get another job, buy another house and find a new place to live. What I couldn’t do was take another moment of the abuse and the nonesense he was dishing out. As you say, when it comes down to loving them or loving yourself, pick yourself.
There was a time in the relationship when I made every excuse for him, focused solely on him and “his issues” and “his pain”. It delayed the inevitable but it can’t stop it. I am now very proud of myself that I was able to get away and that I was willing to do what it took to take care of myself first and foremost. It makes me realize that I might just care about myself more than I thought.
Ms A
True. I found this useful when I left my abusive ex:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
When you finally leave, he will pull out all the stops to guilt/manipulate you into returning. or even try to hurt you. this article by a psychologist warns you what to look out for and how to deal with it.
Grace-
Wow. Great article – thanks. It warns that if your partner has 1 of the signs, its bad. If they have three, run. Mine had – every one of the 20. Honest to god. A true abuser and I didn’t see it. No, that’s not true – I did see it and didn’t want it to be true. Every one of the signs was there and I chose (that’s the operative word) CHOSE to ignore them, to explain them away. I kept trying to make it work.
But then I stopped. I began to see the light. I saved myself and will do what I need to in order to protect myself. Last week, he threw a rock through my front window. I called the glazier, had the window repaired and refused to engage with him. Nothing good will come of it.
I wished I had read that article before I tried to get away. I just broke it clean, didn’t talk to him for 2 months and then fought with him a few times, refused to talk to him, told him he was abusive and then the real damage started. Talk about childish and vindictive.
In hindsight, I should have seen it all. I certainly do now. What I am so scared of is whether I will really see it as it is happening next time. I want to believe I will but the fear is very real. I did see so many of the red flags this time but kept going, kept convincing myself it was alright.
The only thing I know for absolute sure is that I never want to go through that again.
Great article for anyone who feels controlled, abused or confused by their relationship. Thanks.
I agree with everything Natalie says. I do have a different take on it, though. I know that in the abusive relationships I found myself in, the justification for staying came about because I was able to live in denial and in a cycle of abuse there is often a honeymoon period following the abuse. I realize too that I was living out my relationship with my parents with these men. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive but would switch from that to kind and caring. My dad was caring when I was a girl and then went pretty much emotionally AWOL when I became a teenager. I wanted the men I was with to repair the damage my parents inflicted on me.
I also think our brains can become “attached/addicted” to pain. When you don’t believe you deserve better and you’ve beaten down the part of yourself that acts in your best interest you can find yourself in a mess.
What I find sad is even with the last nightmare Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde I kept hoping I had imagined Mr. Hyde and that it was an isolated incident. Verbal and emotional abuse is never excusable and abusers don’t change. It’s hard to accept that a seemingly charming kind man can actually be a total asshole who has no regard for your feelings whatsoever.
Part of the problem in leaving assclowns and unavailables lies in the fact that we get caught in the cycle of grief. I’ve been wondering where all this anger I’ve been feeling has been coming from, and lately I’ve come to realize it’s due to the fact that both he and I haven’t been allowing me to heal properly.
Cycle of grief: Denial -> Anger -> Bargaining -> Depression -> Acceptance.
When my previous boyfriend left me for another woman, I was devastated. But he also made it clear that he wasn’t coming back, he was with her now, that he and I were over. I had no choice but to eventually get to acceptance, to try and move on and find love with someone else because he wasn’t going to be the man to give it to me.
When, after him, I encountered the guy with the “casual” girlfriend, there was no formal beginning nor any formal end to the “relationship.” He didn’t want to commit to me and be my boyfriend. But he didn’t want to call it quits and give up the “free” sex and companionship he was getting from me, either, even after I confessed to him I had feelings for him and wanted more and that if he didn’t that was okay, but I needed to move on with my life. Still, he kept coming back and wanting to hook up, talk dirty over text message, etc. This was so confusing for me, and I didn’t have the strength for a long time to tell him to stop, to go no contact, to not engage with him wanting to hook up or talk dirty over text message. But this kept me vacillating between anger, bargaining, and depression. I could never get to acceptance. I was stuck grieving. Eventually, you just get used to grieving and being depressed until you really do have to decide to have the strength to leave.
That these guys trap us in the cycle of grief is rotten; I think they know what they’re doing. But we trap ourselves in it, as well. I was already dealing with a double whammy: a big hit to my self-esteem by my ex leaving me for another woman in addition to a dysfunctional childhood background. Add on top of that that women are socialized to stay and “stand by your man” whereas men are socialized to “play the field” and sniff around for greener pastures, and there you go, I got stuck in this vicious cycle. It’s ridiculously hard to leave, especially since these guys know pretty well how to sink their hooks back into your skin. As another poster said, the honeymoon period post-abuse is real.
This is my life, though. I don’t get another one. I don’t want to spend weeks, months, years in a cycle of grief. I want to get to acceptance. I want to get to stability and happiness. I want to quit the bad-man addiction.
Learning — THANK YOU. Your sharing of your story and your pointing out how we get stuck in a cycle in the grief process by staying in contact with push/pull assclowns is just what I needed today. I really have to stop participating in my own abuse.
Yes Natalie – EXACTLY. I’ve been exactly where you were, right down to the acting-normal-afterwards, which is the creepiest bit of it all.
I couldn’t leave this abusive relationship for about 3 years until I finally was able to imagine a future without him. And then I did it, and I never looked back, and to this day (20 years later) I have precisely zero regrets.
I’ve made many poor men choices since then, but at least they haven’t been violent! (so I suppose that’s progress of a sort, isn’t it?)
Ladies, count your blessings in your single life. I’ve learned to do that, and it’s brought me a great deal of peace and joy. Roof over my head, interesting job, family who love me, good friends, my own pasta machine … I know the Passion-Pops out there might complain that this doesn’t keep you warm at night, but that, ladies, is why you buy good-quality quilts. And if you want security, get a new lock put on the door!
I loved the Valentine’s Day contributor who said she ate the chocolate at work and then went for a run in the evening – THAT’s my definition of a Valentine’s Day well spent.
‘My own pasta machine’
I love that PJM!
Thanks for sharing this with us, Natalie. Almost everything people have written in response resonates with me.
One unexpected result of leaving a bad relationship was a new sense of what I would do, and could do, for my own well being. The little voice that used to say, You should leave, now said to me, Good for you! You left!
In the same way my body negatively registered every nasty comment he delivered, I believe my body positively registered the good move I made when I left. The cells in my body began to believe that I could be trusted.
I had more energy. More clarity.
This post has stuck with me since I read it and I had a thought this morning. I don’t think that staying in the relationship is the only way my beliefs have kept me stuck. I was able to get out of the actual day to day interaction with him (I quit my job because I worked with my AC and even forced mediation couldn’t help us play well together at the end). But I realized this morning that I am still “stuck” in a way. I still think about the relationship more than I want to, although much much less than I used to. Mostly, I find myself turning it over in my head when I am trying to avoid thinking about something I don’t want to think about, namely myself . But I am also using my fear of the same relationship mistakes happening again to keep me from moving forward. I can imagine getting into another relationship right now, although I have done alot of work on myself and think I have grown immensely since the relationship ended. I would like to think I would recognize the red flags now or not invest more than I should or stay grounded in reality. I just seem too afraid to actually try and find out. I knew I had to get out of the last abusive relationship but that seems to have terrified me into the belief that all relationships are going to be problematic.
Fears and warped beliefs keep us stuck, there are no two ways about it. Even recognizing the fear isn’t enough to get unstuck. I know I need to overcome the fear and work through it. Get out of my comfort zone and try. For the first few months, I could convince myself I needed time to heal and mourn and all that. Seven months later, I am starting to think its just a way to keep hiding and stay stuck.
There’s a lot of talk about how EUM lack empathy or understanding. But what dawned on me about one of my guys was – he didn’t want to have empathy for me (he’s empathic to his friends or at work), he didn’t want to understand – or understood all right, but didn’t wan’t to hear what was said, because he didn’t really mean to fulfil any of his promises.
I tried hard to explain it to him down to details very explicitly. But then it finally got to me that he didn’t lack anything. Her had empathy and was giving love/ respect to others. He simply refused it to me (but telling me quite the opposite which confused me).
I think a lot of the denial us women are in is in the background realisation of the immense humiliation of knowing that they are capable of love/empathy to others and they hear you loud and clear, but won’t be empathic/loving to you. It clearly spells for us that this means no love, no respect, regardless of what they are saying. This however hurts us badly. So we rather lie to ourselves and believe empty words and keep trying with them and then get used to it.
People. We don’t get a prize for hurting the most and hanging on the longest. I finally figured this out, w NML’s help. I run a charity where damaged kids come to learn Native American methods of living and working with horses. This involves setting clear boundaries for safety and to establish a healthy relationship. Why I could not apply it to my relationships I do not know. But now I decided to treat everyone the way I treat my stallion, and every horse used in this therapy program- I established clear boundaries in a respectful manner. This foundation enabled us to work as a team with the child and social worker/therapist to learn the importance of boundaries and how they keep us safe. Thru these many years the horses and I have developed trusting relationships that enable us to do this work. Now I’m doing the work on myself. Thank you all so much for your insight.
Well stated. No matter how much discomfort it gives you, remember how much MORE discomfort you experience IN the relationship, and leave the assclown. That’s my life philosophy and it has saved me a lot of trouble.
Thank you so much to those who gave advice and responded to my post. I think getting some help is a good idea. I don’t think I’m going to get over this on my own. I am feeling worse, rather than better, and I can’t stop looking for him on facebook. We used to chat almost every night at the same time. I can’t get myself out of this rut of going on at that time just to see if he is there, even though I am afraid of what could happen if I start talking to him again. I needed to know what others would think if I told the whole story. I was having a hard time figuring out whether or not he actually bad, because he was so nice to me when I was with him. I was so confused. Thanks again.
one major
anyone can be nice when it suits them. what happens when he has to make sacrifices, put you first (at least occasionally), or consider your needs? what happens when what you want and what he wants are in conflict. how nice is he then?
what about integrity, honesty, reliability?
block him from facebook or deactivate your account for a week if you can’t quite bring yourself to do it.
blocking the MM from facebook was the final nail in that coffin. I resisted it for months but when I finally did it, I felt amazingly free. i kept expecting to feel crap about it but i didn’t!
Yes, it’s really important to differentiate between ‘love’ and ‘pain’ and this is becoming increasingly difficult, when so many TV programmes and pop songs uphold the idea that love IS pain: if it hurts deeply, it is even more genuine…. WRONG!!! This is what keeps so many men and women in terrible situations. Also, they are scared of being single again, because for some reason this seems to be a big taboo. Just look at the celebrities who split up with someone and next week they are dating someone new. This is held up as the norm…. but this is actually insane behaviour. People think that if celebrities are doing it, it must be right. Gosh, what are we coming to??!!! I come across many women in my career as a private investigator who will not leave until they have ‘proof’ of their partner’s infidelity. They cannot seem to find the impetus any other way, to finally make that decision. Thank god they do make the decision… it’s very brave! But for every woman who does get out of these abusive, loveless relationships, there are probably a dozen who just stay with it year in and year out. I think blogs like yours are really important in letting women know that there is another way for them…. Well done!
http://www.harrietbond.com
Though I agree “pain” is not love, love is not easy either, and I think we all get in that trap. As a man, I like to think womean tend to be more in the “fairy tale” mode, but I think men are in that mode in their own way. But we can’t put two flawed, broken, and sinful people together, and expect it to be easy. Love is dog crap on the carpet, car sick kids, and leaky hot water tanks. Love shouldn’t be painful, but I think we need to determine whether the pain comes from a dysfunctional relationship, or the failure of the relationship to meet some unrealistic goals. I do believe that the overwhelming majority of the posts here are about dysfunctional relationships, being about affairs for the most part. But I think the fairy tale myth helps lead to the affairs in the first place. I often wonder how well “Harry” and “Sally” would have gotten along in the real world. It is amazing how the “fun” girlfriend becomes the “irresponsible” wife,and the “solid” boyfriend becomes the “boring” husband.
Ok, enough of that for now. Not trying to attack anyone or any point of view.I just think having more realistic (which can still be high) expectations would avoid a lot of pain. If we think someone else will make us happy, we will always be disappointed. Most of us can barely make ourselves happy, let alone someone else.
“If we think someone else will make us happy, we will always be disappointed.”
You nailed it!
Yes, yes, yes! IF you really wanted to leave, you would leave .
I was struggling for so long, as I kept saying that I would never probably leave, but this January 2011 I finally sent him a text, saying that I was depressed and I am leaving him for good, and wish him luck.
I never received a reply, no call, no text…It was difficult in the beginning even it was my decision to leave AC, but I tried so hard to stay strong and now I feel great! I am single and happy and I can “see” clearly who is who, thanks to wonderful Natalie for giving me this knowledge! I AM FREE AT LAST!!!
I look so forward to joining you…just over one month nc…thanks so much for the feedback for the rest of us striving to be where you are…any special tips?