One of the biggest obstacles to happiness is resistance which is something we engage in by living in denial by telling ourselves lies and half truths, that enable us to continue doing and investing in people which also helps to create illusions. This means we end up resisting acceptance, resisting the truth, and resisting change because if we didn’t resist, whether it’s actively or in quietly passive ways, we’d have to see things in reality and potentially make uncomfortable decisions and more importantly take action.
When we deny and lie to ourselves, we:
Say that it’s them not us.
Claim that the reason that we continue to engage with someone or do something is for reasons that it’s not.
Focus on their problems, their lives, their everything to distract from looking closer to home at ourselves.
Continue being and doing things that in the wider scheme of things detract from us but because we’re only looking at the trees, the short-term and ‘reacting’, let us stay in our comfort zone.
Create obstacles to why we can’t be or do things out of fear and use these as reasons to remain afraid and spend more time worrying than experiencing the reality of these fears.
Claim we’re addicted to someone as our reason for continuing to engage when really that person and the situation is a distraction from experiencing other feelings and being accountable.
Act happier than we feel, so much and for so long that we lose touch with who we are, what we feel and our values – we often end up normalising bad behaviour too.
End up not knowing who we are, what we like, our dreams, hopes and ambitions.
Claim that what we want from life is to make others happy because it seems easier to do this than to put the work into making ourselves happy – we think our own happiness will happen as a by-product but end up often trying to make the wrong types of people happy.
Shoot down people who don’t say what we want to hear, get defensive sometimes even aggressive, and can end up isolating ourselves because we’re not ready to hear the truth.
Hold onto our anger, indignation, frustration for an extended period of time and keep replaying the situation, analysing them, pondering the coulda/woulda/shoulda’s and basically holding on tight to ‘it’ or ‘them’ as a security blanket.
Become people so distanced from our core selves that we become inauthentic, acting out of sync with our values, doing one thing, saying another.
There are lots of reasons why we end up effectively bullsh*tting ourselves and it all leads back into a central theme:
Even though it may only be for the short-term, we focus on the ‘payoff’ – the benefit that we think we experience from believing that whatever we are being or doing as a result of the denial/lie.
Unfortunately what we don’t look at or focus on is the ‘fallout’, which tends to have far wider reaching consequences and ends up being the negative consequences of engaging in the denial/lie.
How much we deny and lie to ourselves is very much tied into our beliefs because if we acknowledge these lies, we’re actually forced into challenging negative beliefs that we hold about love, relationships, life, and ourselves. If we do this, it doesn’t fit into our self-fulfilling prophecy – what we predict is likely to happen based on our beliefs – which means we’d be vulnerable or not get to be ‘right’ by catering to our pattern.
Denial and lies let us keep telling ourselves the ‘story’ that rolls around in our head about what we believe to be true about ourselves, people, love, life etc. We often have it all mapped out…even if it doesn’t serve us that well.
If we really want to experience real change, real self-love and loving relationship, we have to minimise the lies and have an honest conversation with ourselves so that we can get back to ‘us’.
This gives us boundaries, lets us know what feels right, wrong, good, bad, and basically treats us with love, care, trust, and respect.
I’ve seen people participate in relationships where there were clear red flags both medium and large that indicated that all is not well, but they were immersed in so many illusions that they just didn’t ‘see’ them or they saw the red flag and completely denied them.
They just decide that the problem doesn’t exist.
That the problem is less than what it is.
That if they love enough that it will cancel out the problem.
That supposed ‘good points’ about the person override the bad points.
In order to live authentically, in line with your values and with boundaries so that you can love yourself and have healthy relationships, you need to go on a Bullsh*t Diet (BS Diet).
This means minimising the amount of dishonesty in your life, especially what you have 100% control over – you. No deceiving yourself on an ongoing basis, no living in LaLa Land with a fur coat of denial and rose tinted glasses, no pretending to be and feel things that you don’t, and certainly no normalising bad behaviour. A BS Diet stops you from being a participant in unhealthy situations.
Why do I say an ‘ongoing basis’? Because there is always a certain amount of BS in life, but being on the diet means you catch yourself up and say ‘Hey – is that actually true?’
I can for instance, say that the reason why something hasn’t been done is because I’m time poor, the kids, yada yada, but actually, when I say ‘Hey – is that actually true?’, I go, ‘Well…yeah but in truth it’s mostly down to poor time management’. No it doesn’t mean that I revolutionise the wheel immediately but being on a BS Diet makes us accountable and we don’t duck out on the responsibility that we have to ourselves.
You’re far more likely to do something about a problem and actually find a solution, if you’ll acknowledge the reality of the problem in the first place.
You will get out of poor relationship and acknowledge that you’re not the solution, if you acknowledge the reality of the person, their problems, and the holes in your relationship.
You’ll get over someone if you stop trying to deny who they are, the reality of the situation and your own feelings and learn to accept even the uncomfortable truths instead of trying to control things through denial and opening yourself up to further pain.
Denial in the short-term is very useful in allowing you to process information at a level that you can handle, allowing you to aclimatise to the truth and acceptance – just like in grieving. In essence you feed yourself the truth a chunk at a time and by accepting one bit, it opens you up to accepting others as often by accepting some of the truth, it invalidates other stuff you believe to be true. If you have a healthy affinity with the truth and yourself, you won’t stay in a denial fog beyond the short-term.
Where the problems occur is if you are not working your way to the truth and have long ago established that there isn’t a great deal of truth that you can handle because it means you never get to acceptance. A lot of people have a high denial level because they are always trying to avoid feeling out their feelings. Denial and lies become a big problem if they are your lifestyle and you keep them around on a medium to long-term basis and make them your ‘truth’.
If you allow too much BS to take up your life, you will make BS decisions, end up in BS situations and basically end up out to sea without a paddle completely distanced from yourself and the truth. When you try to work your way back to the ‘shore’, you’ll struggle because you have no basis of truth and authenticity.
It’s one thing for other people to lie to you but lies have room to breed and take hold when they are given life by you. When you discover someone is being dishonest whether it’s by lying straight up or dripfeeding you the truth or by their actions not matching their words, don’t feed the dishonesty by being dishonest .
There will always be the potential for certain people around you to be dishonest but their impact is minimised if you are ‘honesty aware’ yourself with boundaries because they will not be able to wreak havoc in your life.
More importantly, you can experience how you feel, make genuine connections and forge healthy relationships if you’re prepared not to delude yourself.
Yes in the short-term it may mean discovering uncomfortable truths and feeling uncomfortable feelings, but being authentic and taking care of you on a consistent basis will yield great results in the medium to long-term.
Even if you only become gradually aware that something isn’t the truth, that means you have to adjust your vision, your assumptions and your trust levels. If you deny and lie to yourself, you’ll love, trust, respect, care, and assume blindly which means you’ll put yourself in danger.
Being on a Bullshit Diet means:
Not letting your imagination run so wild that you end up living disconnected from reality in a fantasy world.
When you let your ‘story’ take hold in your head or even verbally – you know that stuff you tell yourself to legitimise your beliefs, your actions, and your self-fulfilling prophecy – follow up with ‘Is that/this actually true?’
Not just doing stuff for kicks, for the short-term thrill, for the instant results and considering the medium to long-term consequences.
Being conscious in your actions and feelings instead of just floating around or acting like you’re helpless and someone else is in control of your wheel. This causes you to do things that are not congruent with the values and desires that you profess to have.
At the core of any emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual energy you spend burning up about a relationship that is not working in the way that you want to and may be causing you to be at best, taken advantage of, and at worst abused, you must have this as your central question:
Why, if someone is behaving in this manner are you still there putting up with it or claiming that you’ll never get over them?
If it’s about a general situation:
Why, if this situation is not working for me am I still complaining instead of doing something about it?
Basically – what’s in it for you?
If you’re honest about your choices, why you do something etc, you are a hell of a lot closer to finding a solution that you can live with, whether that’s opting out, taking measures to distance and protect yourself, or doing something to improve the situation and give you your power back. Until you eliminate or minimise the BS, it’ll feel like you’re ‘helpless’ or that it’s the fault of someone else.
Take the focus off your distractions and bring it back to you.
Your thoughts? I’ll be doing some more posts on tools and tips for getting rid of the BS.
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
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Great post! “That if they love enough that it will cancel
out the problem. ” Ummm… in the history of relationships, has
that EVER worked? Yet, I thought it would work… for ME. because I
certainly loved (denied, covered up, enabled) a lot. Once I
recognized that I LIKED thinking of myself as a noble,
self-sacrificing martyr, it was much easier to stop DOING it.
Bye-bye, BS!
Indeed Perfectly Awful – I think if we actually lay out what we’re attempting to do we can recognise what an enormous and fundamentally flawed task we are setting ourselves up to fail on.
Wow Natalie Just when did you get inside my psyche? With
this post I feel like you are really talking just to me. Every
single point you made in the first part of your post is relevant to
me. Me and my ex AC split just over a year ago. I did all the
apparently right things. I did No Contact. I got a new job. I even
went on holiday with myself (not alone, but WITH myself). But after
11 months of no contact I found myself thinking that after all this
time he would realise what a mistake he had made yada yada yada. I
convinced myself that he would now be ready to ‘repair’ our
relationship, so I broke 11 months no contact. I DID get a reply,
so short and curt and polite that it was nothing else than
insulting, even rude! I realise now that I have been kidding
myself, stringing myself along for the last year and prolonging my
agony. Yes I have tried dating again, but looking for the ‘same
person’ in a different body. And always disappointed. Now I think I
get it. I have to look after myself, enjoy life as me. Rely on
no-one to provide good times except me. It means I have to step out
of my self wallowing comfort zone which I know I can do because I
went on holiday by myself and thoroughly enjoyed it!! I now have to
transfer that discovery and knowledge to everyday life, it’s easy
to do that for a week, but for everyday life that takes commitment.
In other words I have to love myself, do things like going to the
hairdressers regularly not to look good for my guy, but for me. I
always thought I did stuff like that for me, but checking back it’s
now January and the last time I visited a hairdresser was October
just before I took myself on holiday! I think that if I really
genuinely cared for me, then these ordinary things I would do
without thinking. So my New Year’s resolution is to care for myself
so much better than I have done, because in the words of that
cheesy advert ‘is because I’m worth it!’ It’s taken me a year and a
lot of self denial, but I get there eventually. Thank you for your
help and encouragement Natalie Happy New Year Freda Xx
Hi Freda. I can totally relate to your experience and I did the whole going away for a week on my own which is still one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. We have to make ourselves our purpose as opposed to only feeling fueled by the purpose of someone/the relationship. You are indeed totally worth it.
Amazing article. I have a question. I got out of a failed
relationship about 3 months ago. Over the three months, the pain
has forced me to see how codependent and in need of communication
skills I am. I also see how work addicted and avoiding my
ex-girlfriend was. I acknowledge the holes. Yet in a perfect world,
I’ld like us to be together. Am I BSing myself if I work on my own
issues, and check in to see if my ex-girlfriend is working on hers
too?
Jack – I’d stick to working on yourself, and give yourself
permission for that self-growth to be truly for yourself. If you
tie it up with her ‘journey’, then yours will be distorted. Give
yourself the chance that, at the end of a good few months (or even
longer) of really asking yourself the tough questions, and looking
at the relationship with some more objectivity, you might actually
not see her qualities as particularly admirable or attractive.
We’re not in charge of other people’s growth, and people learn
lessons at different times. Yes, ideally, we’d be able to
orchestrate and co-ordinate these things, but it just doesn’t work
like this. Once you feel better and have reflected on and practised
some of those skills you need (and tendencies you need to get rid
of), I’d like to guess you’ll attract a far more solid person into
your life. It’s painful to believe that, but why not just let go of
this person, even for a while, and see how you feel and see things
in, say, 3-6 months?
Also – I think your checking in on her, and her progress,
will only distance her even further, given her tendencies towards
avoidance and hyper sensitivity to external control. Leave her
alone.
Elle- This is great advice. I really think what you said
makes a ton of sense. I plan to follow this. Thank you for taking
the time to reply to me.
hi Jack I say work on yourself, because she might or might
not be ready to change, or simply not at the same time/pace that
you are. I learned that we can only help ourselves. I learned both
people need to be willing to go into the same thing together. best
Miriam
“We’re not in charge of other people’s growth, and people learn lessons at different times. Yes, ideally, we’d be able to orchestrate and co-ordinate these things, but it just doesn’t work like this” – Amen! I owe you an email! Happy New Year Elle!
Jack I too tried to “check in ” on my ex but as time went
on I see it was just an excuse to stay in contact. My only
suggestion is do the work you need and if you end up together again
so be it. You have to face the fact that she might not want to work
on her issues and then where will you be. You can only take care of
yourself. Good luck
Thank you, Mary. I think that working on my boundaries
extensively will allow me to know when its a healthy checking in
and when its an addictive feeling. Your words make sense.
Thanks!
Very well said MaryC and hope you’re keeping well!
I don’t know whether you are fooling yourself or not. Here
are some questions you might ponder. As you explore them, the
answers may give you insight. It isn’t just about whether you
should or should not try to reconnect. It is about your motives and
feelings. 1. Why do you want to be with her? What are the good
points? Are you attracted to who she really is or who you think she
might become if you just “loved her enough?” 2. Why would you NOT
want to be with her? 3. How do you feel about dating other people?
Are you anxious about that? If so, what are some of your fears? 4.
What qualities would you like to see in your next relationship?
Most of all, I like NLM’s suggestion to “(be) conscious in your
actions and feelings.” If you take one path and it does not feel
OK, you can reexamine it and change course. So if you do choose to
reconnect, I would do it with a plan in mind of what you really
hope to gain and revisit that after a time to see whether it is
working as hoped. If not, there will be much chance for
learning.
David- All great points. I especially like when you say,
“who you think she might become if you just “loved her enough?”. I
need to be careful of that. It is easy for me to see all of my
shortcomings during the relationship (terrible relationship
communication, active listening, and codependency), and say that if
I just fix those, she will be different. While that could be true
to a small extent, a relationship still requires two people to both
feet in. SO it probably makes sense to keep working on my goals and
boundaries, and evaluate things closer to a ‘me perspective’.
Thanks for your help.
Those questions are excellent David. Thanks for sharing. “Are you attracted to who she really is or who you think she might become if you just “loved her enough?” – brilliant
There’s a great quote in the film ‘Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’:
‘How does one drowning man help another drowning man?’. Work on
yourself, that’s enough to be going on with. You can’t help her
too, so checking in is pointless, it’ll just distract you from your
own journey. You’re not responsible for her or her life. Best of
luck to you! 🙂
You’ve received some great advice Jack and will try to add to that.
We don’t and are never going to live in a perfect world and an important part of self-growth and also mutually loving relationships is acceptance. I think you are acknowledging the holes but you are correlating your potential and opportunity for change and growth onto her. This is a very common thing that happens. Often when people are apart, we make the mistake of assuming that because we’ve changed/see things differently that they will. We end up being disappointed because the other person is a separate identity and jumping to their own beat. In working through your codependency, it is this ‘tandem growth’ that you also need to let go of the idea of because you would be sucked into the codependent trap again.
You should only ever get back together if the issues that broke you no longer exist or are actively being worked on. You have to be prepared to work on your issues irrespective of whether she does or not – *that* is self-love and *that* is reality. While no doubt your issues have contributed to why your relationship broke down, you are not an island and she has her issues too. You are highly likely to discover that if you truly focus on you and work on your issues, she may not be so attractive because you will no longer reflect one another’s beliefs.
I would leave things alone for a few months, be totally focused on you and if you want to check in then, knock yourself out. Just manage your expectations.
Huge thank yous to all, especially NML. NML, your words
ring so true. It has taken me three painful yet filled with growth
months to accept what you are saying. All of it is true. From
SLAA/CODA to meditation, to relationship communication classes, the
work I’m doing is solely for me. I have kept hoping for tandem
growth, and the reality is that this is a concept I should avoid
clinging to. I do know the old (and current?) Ex is someone I am no
longer attracted to, nor want to be with. And that is a great step
in the right direction. I’ll keep the focus on me and give things
real time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you.
Your words have greatly helped me.
“Act happier than we feel, so much and for so long that we
lose touch with who we are, what we feel and our values – we often
end up normalising bad behaviour too. End up not knowing who we
are, what we like, our dreams, hopes and ambitions.” Yep guilty as
charged and a majority of the above as well. On the bright side –
its nice to find me again – that I have been here all along I just
needed to look, listen and feel the real. Honesty – there is no
beginning without the truth – trust with good reason. Intergrity –
keeping honest when no one is looking. Lessons learned the hard
way. Again great one Nat! You really know how to nail em.
“On the bright side -its nice to find me again – that I have been here all along I just needed to look, listen and feel the real. ” – Amen!
“Not just doing stuff for kicks, for the short-term thrill,
for the instant results and considering the medium to long-term
consequences.” Why is this important Nat? I am in a realationship
with a man I wouldn’t consider sharing my life with long-term for a
number of reasons (not least of which he’s never asked). But having
been alone for years, I’m glad to have someone who – on a good day
– makes me laugh. When he turns obnoxious, I gather my belongings
and exit. He is utterly selfish but good company sometimes. I spent
years hoping to meet someone decent, have kids together etc but it
never happened. I had to give up the dream and move on. Do I need
to go on the BS diet, or can I continue to take each day as it
comes?
I think AliceB that you have to consider the question in its entirety for context – if you do short-term stuff but don’t see any genuine medium to long-term negative consequences, knock yourself out. Many people do short-term stuff and either don’t consider the medium to long-term or do but are so obsessed with an instant result that they think they can cope with the results ‘later’. This is how many end up in very painful relationships. If you’re happy to get involved in a short-term thing for the short-term, that’s your prerogative. Where you can get caught with your pants down is if this becomes something much longer. At the end of the day, it’s fine to let go of the dream but it may be a good time to ask yourself why no longer having kids means you have to be with someone indecent? Why all or nothing? You don’t just need decency and shared values for having kids.
I was in a short-term relationship for short-term results-
so I thought. So I tried to convince myself. But deep down I wanted
it to last longer and avoided my emotions- until it was too late.
It was so painful, mourning really. 4 months No Contact has been my
medicine. I did go on the BS diet and as hard as each day is, the
pain is subsiding. My issues are finally being adressed, and guess
what? I had avoided them for so long, it’s a blessing in disguise.
I don’t blame anyone, even myself. I take it as a hard lesson
learned, but I learned and feel wiser. I know next relationship
will be 10x better because I actually am a better person now,
working hard at it, and I realize it’s a lifetime journey. I’m no
longer scared of being single, no longer pressured to do anything I
feel I’m not ready for. No longer expecting the heavens, life is
life.
“Where you can get caught with your pants down is if this
becomes something much longer.” It’s already approaching three
years but I always have one foot out the door. Whenever I begin to
feel I’m settling in, he pulls some stunt that reminds me not to
get comfortable. I suppose there’s an element of defeat in my
decision, but life has taught me to go with the flow. Trying to
make things happen has never got me anywhere. Btw, congrats on your
engagement! Enjoy this happy time, you deserve it.
“I’ve seen people participate in relationships where there
were clear red flags both medium and large that indicated that all
is not well, but they were immersed in so many illusions that they
just didn’t ‘see’ them or they saw the red flag and completely
denied them. They just decide that the problem doesn’t exist. That
the problem is less than what it is. That if they love enough that
it will cancel out the problem. That supposed ‘good points’ about
the person override the bad points. ” ~This was me almost a year
ago. My ex-EUM had A LOT of baggage that I won’t even put on here
because most people would be shocked at why I even winced at the
thought of dating him, but I chose to blind myself from those red
flags and in the end I got burned-badly. But I am proud to say that
I have been NC (a second time) almost one year ago (1/21 is the
“anniversary” of me cutting him off). I still go through my ups and
downs. I didn’t believe it in the beginning when my friends and
family would tell me that time heals wounds, but it really is true.
I am not 100% yet, but I am dang close to seeing that light at the
end of the tunnel!!!
Congratulations on your progress Moving On in 2010. The ups and downs are all parts of it. One day you won’t even think of yourself as being NC – you’ll just be living.
Oh so very true! I don’t even look or think of it that way anymore.
Smiles. An Excellent post Natalie which goes far beyond
relationships. I really don’t want to write much as this an
excellent post. Because if I started to write I would be writing a
book. So I will keep it simple…………Beliefs are not reality
or Truth! What a Belief or self-fulling prophecy is. A self-fulling
belief/prophecy is a prediction that directly or indirectly causes
it to become true by the very terms of the belief/prophecy itself,
due to positive feedback between behavior, environment and belief.
In other words, a prophecy declared as a “truth” when actually it
is false may sufficiently influence people/individual, either
through fear or logical confusion, so that their reactions,
thoughts. Ultimately fulfill the once-false belief/prophecy. If
people where to be Truly honest with themselves and write down what
they “Believe” to be true and then actually tested those “beliefs”
against the reality of what is “really” there in their lives. The
two would not match up. But that takes real “honesty” and taking
“responsibility” for yourself and your actions. Being “Authentic!”
And many people can not do that. For it means to face everything
about yourself. And “beliefs” are very precious to peoples
identity. What they believe to be true about themselves and about
the world they live in. Ego’s are very fragile things and are
themselves a social construct. After all do not individuals,
nations, go to war. Rape, kill, maim, murder and do in-human things
to other human beings because of what they “believe” to be “right,”
“true” and “proper.” And I better stop writing as this is such an
excellent post and I want to dive in and write. So I will leave
with a little story about the power of beliefs……. A little girl
was watching her mother make meatloaf. And just before she put the
meatloaf in the oven. Her mother cut both ends of the meatloaf. And
the little girl was curious as to “why?” “Mummy” she asked “why do
you cut the ends of the meatloaf?” Her mother looked at her and
said “I do it because that is what Granny did when she made
meatloaf for us.” “Go ask her” so the little girl went and asked
her Granny. “Granny why did you cut the ends of the meatloaf of?”
“Mummy said to ask you.” Granny said to the little girl “Well
really I don’t know?” “I did it because Great Gran Ma ma did that
when I was a little girl” ” Go ask her.” So of went the little girl
to find Great Gran Ma ma. Great Gran Ma ma was sitting peacefully
and saw the little girl approaching and smiled gently at her.
“Great Gran Ma ma can I ask you a question?” Asked the little girl.
“Off course poppet” said Great Gran Ma ma. “Well” said the little
girl. “I was watching Mummy make meatloaf and she cut the ends of
before putting it in the oven.” “So I asked her why?” “She told me
to ask Granny and when I asked her why she cut the ends of the
meatloaf.” “She said she did not know and said to come ask you?”
“Ahhhhh……” Said Great Gran Ma ma. “I cut the ends of the
meatloaf because we only had a small oven, other wise it would not
fit in!” The Moral………….Are “Your beliefs really yours or do
You just follow blindly?” And if you don’t ask “Questions” how will
you ever know the “Answers!” Again “Excellent” post Natalie, what a
good way to kick of the new year. Until the next time Amour and be
Beautiful A F
Happy New Year Ange Fonce and thanks for a great comment. Many of us carry around beliefs both open and hidden that we haven’t sanity checked or are even conscious of. It’s testing the validity of those beliefs that can really open us up to change and growth – we have to transform the belief and carry it into our conscious thoughts and every day life. Loved the short story!
Hi NML, Please keep up these great posts that help us move
forward, not keep looking back. 3 months + of NC. I told myself I’d
be ‘over it’ by the end of 2010. Here’s 2011, New Year’s is over,
and now the regular life of 2011 has begun. Today I just lost it,
sobbing and sad, for missing all the excitement and fun and, yes,
drama he brought to my life last year. Okay, that passed, and now
if there’s a new level of realizing he’s never going to come back a
changed repentant man that is yet to come, then bring it on. What’s
left in the void is this sense of what the heck does a fulfilled
life look like? Feel like? Am I supposed to like myself as I am
now, or am I supposed to acknowledge that I’m not digging myself
much and start to change before I can honestly say I like myself?
(“Please change before I can really like you” – it’s like every
relationship I’ve ever been in!) I’m stepping off into the
emotional unknown as I begin 2011. I have one goal, to finish
writing my dissertation before 2012. I allowed the drama in my
relationship to cost me a precious YEAR of funded support for my
school work. But at heart I feel like I don’t yet really know what
makes me happy, what work I might love, and what kinds of
relationships I might love. NML, I’m glad to read your posts where
you notice some of the similarities between your ‘relationship
insanity’ and your ‘work insanity.’ Your support is not just
helpful in cutting away from ACs, and staying away from the bad,
but in the clearing new spaces for light and love to come in, and
moving toward the good.
Hi Lynn. A full life where you derive satisfaction, love, happiness from a variety of sources is an ongoing journey. The key is not making someone else your purpose, your reason for being or your sole source of happiness. Of course you won’t know what fulfilled or self-love looks like if it’s new to you. Learning to like and love you is about acceptance and growth. Accept you instead of rejecting you, find things to like and love and be responsible and accountable for actively working on doing things to have a more positive sense of self and positive relationships. If there are behaviours and attitudes you want to change, go ahead but fundamentally that shouldn’t stop you from accepting, liking and loving you. Read about unconditional love and 100 tips for self-esteem.
I really relate to this post. Sounds like you were using
the R with an AC to avoid your creative work. Maybe not, I just
know I’ve done that. The dissertation is a DAUNTING challenge, I
know! I am an artist. I find enormous fulfillment and happiness
with my work. So much so that it has been very difficult to fit a R
into my life too. My creative work and “relationship” work are
definately NOT in balance. Half the time I’m using Rs with men to
avoid/escape my creative work, the other half I’m using my artwork
to escape from men!! I’m in the process of working through all
this. I just really related to what you said. When I find the
answers I’ll let you know ha ha
I like your advice to test our stories and assumptions with
“Is that/this actually true?” I also like the way you acknowledge
that we all B.S. at some point in our lives. As you say, a little
denial is a normal and healthy thing. But I can see how getting
stuck in denial can become a problem. My best friend is fond of
sharing his life story and his decisions with me and asking the
question “do you think I’m crazy?” Although I feel that he does a
little bit too often sometimes, I appreciate his approach. This is
his way of giving me clear instructions that he really wants honest
feedback, not a bunch of BS. I think denial and BS are very
difficult to cope with on your own. In fact, I think life in
general is very difficult to cope with alone. After my recent
breakup, I really leaned on my friends and have depended on them
for emotional support. Not only did I get a tremendous amount of
support from them, but because I honestly shared my fears and
vulnerability with them, they felt comfortable sharing similar
things with me. The result has been much stronger bonds of
friendship which feels absolutely wonderful. So, for me, one of my
best tools for breaking through excessive denial is the honest
feedback of my friends. It may not be a replacement for me
developing my own truth-sense, but it sure helps me to calibrate
it.
David – Your friend is a great example of someone who isn’t looking for people to brownnose him. While he probably seeks a little too much validation, what he’s doing in being open to honest feedback is great because what I see all too often is that people claim to want honesty but they want to control the answer. They get defensive and the moment that they don’t hear a predetermined answer, they accuse you of being too harsh and hurting their feelings. Continue leaning on your friends because in allowing yourself to be vulnerable, not only are you working your way through the grief, but you’re actually being emotionally available and experiencing your feelings, good, bad, or indifferent.
I’m going to have to read and re-read this again. I’ve read
it twice and I’m in awe. I came so close, so very close to breaking
NC today. NML, you and the folks that post are the only thing
keeping me sane at the moment. Arrgh.
Runnergirlno1, I hear and feel your pain. If you get into the mode of wanting to break NC, ask yourself:
What am I trying to avoid feeling by attempting to make contact?
What do I think is going to happen if I break contact? Write it down. What do you think you’ll feel? What do you think they’ll be and say? Visualise and write it down.
Now sanity check where what you perceive to happen is coming from. Is it evidence based? List what you have to support it. Ultimately this comes down – have the factors that lead to you starting NC and your relationship not working, changed?
Or is it based on the fact that you’re trying to stem the feeling of rejection, of loss by making contact because you think it will stop you from being in pain?
One of the things that is very useful, particularly when you start NC is to write down your reasons for doing it in the first place so that you validate your decision and you don’t get nostalgic when you get bored, are in pain, are trying to avoid feeling something.
Ultimately, whatever you are trying to avoid feeling, you’ve got to feel it some time. You are putting off the inevitable and opening yourself up to further pain. You can and will do this but it hurts in the short and possibly somewhat in the medium-term.
(((hugs)))
Thank you Natalie for the reply, the kind words, being
here, and this post. I was bargaining yesterday. Trying to see if I
could eat another helping of BS and make the pain of rejection and
loss stop. Yesterday was 7 months since his young adult son passed
away and I just wanted to say “sorry”. I was always there. I was
trying to avoid my pain by using him as a distraction. This hurts.
Nothing has changed since I started NC. He is still married. I was
with him during two years while he was on the campaign trail and
yesterday was his first day in office. I wanted to say
congratulations. As I visualize what would happen if I broke NC, it
would end up being more of the same, being the other woman. I did
write down why I went to NC, 12 long pages. I kept re-reading it at
first but I stopped because that hurt too. I guess I better re-read
it again and write down what I realistically think, based on the
evidence of two years, will happen if I break NC. More denial, more
BS. I got into this with my eyes wide open by telling myself I was
in for the short term thrills. I was emotionally unavailable. But,
somewhere along the way, it changed and now it hurts. I ignored all
the red flags by living in denial and creating illusions. The
denial was slowly cracking and the pain of staying in the
relationship was unbearable. But, this pain is unbearable too. You
are right, though. This pain will be here for the short, maybe,
medium term. The hurt of staying in the relationship will be
forever. It sounds so rational. Thank you so much. I’ve been
flipping back and forth between anger, denail, and bargaining, I
guess now it is time for the sadness. I think I’ll just sit and
feel the pain and sadness. No more BS. And I thought I wasn’t going
to have to go on a diet this year! Thank you.
Another thoughtful and thought-provoking post. You manage
to put into beautiful words exactly what I am trying to sort
through in my head. It has been a shock to me just how in denial I
have been about things, how disconnected I have been from my own
feelings. I have heard the saying that, when the universe needs to
teach us a lesson, first it whispers, then its speaks, then it
shouts, then it whops you upside the head. I am embarrassed to say
I had to let it go all the way to the whomp upside my head before I
began to get it. I am also sorry I wasted 3 months focusing on his
problems and issues before I began to work on my own but my
protective layer of denial was so good, it took me that long to be
able to see my role in all this. Every word you say is true. It
took someone really lying to me to see how much I lie to myself. It
took someone with a “false self” to get me to see how disconnected
I was from myself. It took someone completely emotional unavailable
to see how shut down I had become. I can also now see the whispers
and prior attempts at this lesson in my life, the red flags and
past relationships I sailed through without learning the lessons I
needed to get. The BS diet started a few months ago and is going
strong now. Five months ago, I wanted to believe I had suddenly
woken up in this nightmarish relationship. Now I see very clearly
exactly how I got myself into that situation. I also see how I got
myself out and what I need to do to make sure it doesn’t happen
again.
As always Debra, an excellent, equally thought provoking comment. I love how you have transformed the level of honesty you have with yourself so you can make a genuine connection between what you think and your actions that result. Like I often say to people, these situations are not out of the blue, not totally beyond our control or the making of someone else. The signs have always been there – we just haven’t been listening and watching. It’s basically like being asleep in class. Being conscious ensures you can now live congruent with the values and desires that you have. Keep sharing your journey and take care of you x
I’ve always felt a bit ashamed that all of my past
relationships (if they can be called that) never lasted longer than
several months, thinking I did something wrong or didn’t work hard
enough at them, but then I’m glad because I realize now this just
means I couldn’t put up with the BS and I actually would’ve
regretted it more had those relationships lasted longer. Now I
think I shouldn’t have wasted all those months pining away for that
bf’s love that was perhaps never really there to begin with (broke
the NC rule too a few times, except with the last one, and I’m
quite proud of it). Unfortunately, I still had to go through it
four times, shame on me, but at least it helps a bit to know (not
that I’m glad many others have gone through this as well) that I’m
one of many people who believed that loving a person would be more
than enough, being so self-sacrificing would work miracles, and
worse, that apparently being the one with “less or minimal baggage”
would make Mr. Unavailable think himself the “luckiest” man for
having me (how delusional can one get?!).I think I tried so hard to
see the good in them even if that good bit didn’t exist, precisely
because I couldn’t imagine not being with someone intimately and
not having any feelings of commitment towards him. Eh, wrong
outlook really, and not worth the trouble. Thank you once again for
this post Natalie, and congratulations to all of us here who’ve
made the first (or second, or third, or whatever) of many steps in
the excruciating process of eliminating all that BS in our ways of
thinking and our lifestyles.
It’s true Deidree that length of relationship isn’t always an indicator. I’ve come across many people who have had various long relationships, in fact, they’re *always* in some long term thing, and they are hiding their emotional unavailability and commitment issues. As humans I think we’ve become dangerously caught up in seeing the good in people instead of learning to see the person in their entirety so that if there are things that are red flags to a healthy relationship, we don’t ignore potentially dangerous information in the quest to be ‘saintly’. Keep the faith and keep yourself in reality.
This has been my experience, in all aspects of my personal
life (guys, friends, parents). You have to learn to take people as
they come. Also, I have learned (the hard way) that the apple
really doesn’t usually fall far from the tree: people take after
their parents most of the time, in all if not most aspects of their
choices, attitudes, and lives. I have always given the benefit of
the doubt, thinking, “well, the parents are known as [snobs]
[jerks] [etc.], but I won’t judge until I see how they act around
and treat me.” And guess what. They will act like jerks, snobs,
whatever, even if you have ben the golden friend (hell, even if you
were the friend to introduce them to their spouse!). Funny, though,
when those same people can see a way to benefit fro0m knowing you,
they’re all there! And not only that, they even ACT like they don’t
KNOW THEY are lucky in the certain ways that they know you (e.g.,
if you have a great kid, they’ll put him down–even when you know
that they are dying to get your kid down the aisle one day with
their daughter). Just take it as a fact: some people are jerks. And
they fall from the jerk tree! (** Their siblings will be jerks,
too!**)
I think i’ve gone to the other extreme and become
hypersensitive to BS, red flags and whatnot. I am dating a really
decent guy at the moment (it has been one month – all going really
well) who is a friend of mine, but as soon as the littlest thing
happens i start driving myself mad and relegating him to the
assclown pile. For example, i sent him a quick text yesterday (we
usually speak rather than text) but he didn’t reply. Woke up this
morning and still no reply. Very unlike him. I drove myself crazy
for about 20 minutes, swearing to never contact him again, then
came to my senses and text him asking if he’d got the message. Very
apologetic reply saying he must have done something to his phone
while asleep as the text was there but had been read already. I
felt like an idiot. How do you stop yourself from freaking out when
you do find someone decent? It’s not so much a case of a BS diet
for me, but a case of not turning into a raving nutter when the
smallest thing happens.
Thank you Natalie. This is just what I needed today. I broke NC after my ex EUM contacted me at New Year. He was ill with flu and asked if I’d see him, so stupidly I did. He mentioned getting back together and invited me out for a meal. I believed him and waited ..and waited. I sent him a text to ask if he was OK. ‘Yes thankyou’ was the reply. No mention of seeing me or the meal. I feel so stupid. Part of me wants to let rip at him with how angry I am. Part of me wants to just ignore him – again. I wished I’d never answered the phone. Clearly he just wanted to know that I was still there as an option;just another one of his harem. I’m back to square one again feeling a fool. I’m very tempted to send him an angry text telling him to get lost but he’ll probably just ignore it. I feel as if I have to have the last word so I don’t feel rejected. Its his birthday tomorrow and its obvious he won’t be spending time with me. I wish I knew why he makes me feel so worthless. I’m trying to move on but I do miss him and the times we shared. Not a good start to the New year.
Hi Shattered, I’m sorry to hear of what happened. Please don’t send him an angry text because you will temporarily feel good and then feel like shit for far longer. You’re putting your hand in the fire, getting burned and then wondering why you got burned and then pondering whether to curse out the fire for burning you. Yes you may feel like a fool, although you’re not, but I would use that feeling as marker so that the next time you hear from him or get nostalgic, you remember what it feels like right now. Whether you have the last word or not, you’re still going to feel rejected – don’t bullshit yourself. Part of letting go and grieving the relationship is dealing with various things that cause you to feel rejected. Trust me when I say that if having the last word was the key to happiness and not feeling rejected, life would be very different. You just want to get his attention again. You want to be right. You want to feel powerful. At the end of the day, the relationship is still over and chasing him for drama is not how you’re going to get your power back. You say you miss him and the times you shared – Shattered, that’s natural but it’s time to get into reality. This guy used you for an ego stroke, tested to see if you’d chomp at the bit, got the reaction he wanted and blanked you. Hardly the actions of a missable man or someone worth sharing the steam off your tea with. Stop selling yourself so short. I appreciate that you are hurt but you are now hurting you further by chasing up this clown. Never give anyone more than a couple of opportunities to reject you. He’s had his chance, he’s blown it, bite the bullet, and stick to NC. No good will come from continuing to chase water from an empty well.
When NML says that we are trying to avoid feelings of
rejection, powerlessness, et cetera…I don’t know that most people
really GET what she means by that. It has only been through my
spiritual embodiment practice that I have been able to understand
how to feel my feelings. When I notice a desire to break NC, I
start asking myself, “What am I really feeling? What’s really going
on here?” and I check in with my body and start noticing how my
body really feels, and focus my awareness where the greatest
sensation is and breathe into it. When I finally felt “rejection”,
I sat down, got still and felt into the sensations in my body. I
breathed into them (meaning, I would imagine my inhalation going to
the spots in my body where my attention was drawn), and started
sobbing like a child. I usually voice whatever thoughts come up,
and there I was, on the floor, like a baby sobbing and saying, “it
hurts that you rejected me it hurts that you rejected me it hurts
that you rejected me it hurts that you don’t love me it hurts that
you don’t love me,” over and over. I felt a release. It was
noticeably different from past experiences of crying, “please love
me/why don’t you love me/please call me/what’s wrong with me” kinds
of breakdowns, that just seem to go on and on and leave a lingering
sadness, and were centered around the yearning for something
external to ease my pain.
Thanks for these tips, Sunshine. I hope things get better
for you (and me) soon!
Very interesting Sunshine. It would be eye opening to see
what everyone goes through to process the feeling of rejection. As
for me I say okay he is rejecting me and he doesn’t want me and I
am still frickin’ AWESOME! and then I list all my awesome traits
and what my AWESOME life in front of me is gonna look
like….
“Never give anyone more than a couple of opportunities to
reject you. He’s had his chance, he’s blown it, bite the bullet,
and stick to NC” – WOW Natalie, what a wonderful advice for
Shattered!!! I gave to my AC 7-8 chances after he stood me up,
didn’t keep his promises etc…I will follow your advice NML, no
more humiliation!
@ Shattered – i’m sorry to hear what happened to you over the new year. I can understand why you feel angry. I felt angry when i read your post!! Shattered, sending him an angry text will just make you feel more angry and he won’t reply to it anyway so there’s no point. These guys don’t mean what they say – and its that simple as i’ve learned.
So you fell off the wagon by responding, you’re only human and you can pick yourself up an start again with the no contact. Believe me, if you stick with the no contact, you will get over him. You need to relegate him to the rubbish bin…
Minky
I don’t respond to every text I get. Even with my very good friends and family. Some texts don’t seem to require a response, or I don’t have anything to say, or I may not even pick it up til the next day when the moment has passed. I’m not one of those people who is welded to my mobile.
You need to look at the bigger picture and not focus on whether he replies to a text. Texting is an informal mode of communication of limited use. It’s not a barometer of your relationship (unless it’s all you do, in which case there really is no relationship). You know from reading these posts that men and women get texts from morning to night that mean … nothing because the other person is not physically available, never mind emotionally available.
Consider the whole relationship, turn down the drama and move forward with, to quote Nat, a reasonable level of trust. Otherwise you do risk looking very insecure and jumpy. I really wouldn’t like it if someone chased me to respond to a text. I would wonder what I was dealing with. I’m sure no harm is done but you can’t continue to treat him with such suspicion.
Good luck!
I think you have to be careful of having a disproportionate response and instead of letting yourself get carried away and starting a whole drama session, sanity checking it. You’ve said it – the ‘littlest thing’. You’re judging your guy on your ex – you need to be present and get into the relationship you’re in and stop living in the one that’s ended. Only you know if you’re ready to date. I remember in the early days with the boyf, he fell asleep after a game of golf and hours went by. I totally freaked out, jumped to all sorts of conclusions (on my own) and just as I was relegating him to the assclown pile and vowing to head out, a voice in my head was like ‘What the f*ck are you doing?’. It was such a departure from his personality and it occurred to me that he’d probably fallen asleep. I phoned and indeed he was asleep. That was the last time I did that. Your partner deserves the respect of at least being treated on the basis of him and being judged on his own merit. It’s not his job to prove to you he’s not your ex. It’s your job now to calm yourself down and sanity check any of these littlest things. I would also say that this can’t continue much longer simply because if this is how you respond to small stuff, you’re making it tricky for anything else. It’s important to have ‘levels’. If you know that something is ‘unlike him’ that’s a signal in itself to calm down the drama and ask ‘Is there another explanation for this?’ How do you stop yourself from freaking out when you find someone decent? 1) Get over your ex and park them in the past 2) Have boundaries and be willing to ask questions 3) Keep the drama to a minimum and sanity check against their known actions or ask 4) Make sure you have real external evidence of something being amiss before you start the freak out. If it’s internal, that’s your own stuff going on within that you need to assess. 5) Make sure you are actively addressing any disproportionate fears and beliefs you have about yourself, relationships and love. Ultimately if you don’t believe you are worthy of being with someone decent and that everyone is an assclown in sheep’s clothing, you’ll kill this relationship with your drama antics. You have the choice to either live in this relationship and stop predicting negative things based on negative beliefs or you can continue with the drama and the negative beliefs and what you secretly think will happen and you’ll ultimately kill the relationship. I’m sure he can be somewhat patient and understanding but distrust is not a component of a healthy relationship.
Also the best thing you can do is move on from the text incident and not make it any bigger than what it is. It was 20 mins, not 20 hours or days. You’re human. Instead of continuing in the insanity of freaking out at small things, learn your lesson from this and apply it to the relationship.
Thanks so much Grace and NML – this means more than you’ll ever know.
I will try to chill the hell out :). You’re right, he’s not my ex and deserves to have a relationship with me now, not the me that was with an EUM.
Minky, I resonate with your sentiments here. I am also seeing someone who is great, but have caught myself several times panicking when he didn’t respond to something or call. What I do is close my eyes and acknowledge what I am feeling. Why am I upset? Do I think I will never see him again? Am I afraid he has met something else more “interesting.” Then I ask myself what would be the worst thing that happened if that was the case. Then objectively remove myself from the situation and use it as an opportunity to see what type of person I am dealing with. If he really likes you he will get back to you sooner or later. Until he does, find something to occupy your time. Seeing what the other person does is a good opportunity to sit back and objectively find out more about them. Especially in the early stages of a relationship, things are very fragile. Time apart is just as sweet and precious as time together. This gives you time to evaluate what is happening between us. Also to think about them and enjoy the sweet times you have had together (hopefully there are some). When you find yourself missing them, picture a nice moment you had together. What made it so great? Was it really great? Then when they do call, think of it as a nice surprise that you didn’t expect. For now, breathe and enjoy whatever you can in front of you. Call a friend, watch a movie you love, work on a project that gives you joy. Falling in love or learning to love someone should be a slow, simmering process. Then you know it is solid and worth something. I hope these ideas help. They certainly work for me. Find what works for you.
Right on and ouch!
I’ve had a string of failed relationships but because they’ve been long term, some with decent guys, I thought maybe I was unlucky, hadn’t met the right guy, or just needed to work on my communication skills or something. That’s the BS I was telling myself. And my friends told me the same cos like so many here I am attractive, even beautiful, intelligent etc etc. so it couldn’t possibly be ME. Reading Natalie’s ebook I see that in fact this relationship history is a very very bad sign, especially when such relationships don’t seem to end but drift into friendship, an on-off again relationship or FWB. It’s classic fallback girl. Okay, sometimes it’s fine to remain friends with an ex but not as often as we think. In fact, I’ve done a complete 180 on this and remaining friends should be the exception rather than the rule. And if either party gets married that friendship will probably fizzle out – it’s not worth my time to invest in it. I have cut off the last ex, hooray!
It’s liberating, though, to recognise my own part in it. Because that way freedom lies. Telling ourselves BS just guarantees more of the same until the truly awful relationship arrives that’s forces us to take stock. Grasp that opportunity to get off the merry-go-round!
Amen, Amen, Amen Grace! This whole ‘let’s be friends’ thing is bullshit. It’s an excuse to continue to engage and get validation. Like I said to someone else, I know so many people who do the long-term relationship thing – Floggers. Lots of talking, not much action, pseudo commitment, not really going anywhere. It’s easy to see how it happens – you get so far down the road that when you see it’s not working, you can be afraid to leave your ‘investment’. For others, it’s because they think that all relationships can be fixed if you love enough and for others, they just love being in a relationship. Like you say, BS begets BS. If we don’t like the BS, the buck stops at us to clear it out.
I also decided to cut off a long 5 year “rs”, I felt
committed to my “investment”, not him though. It was pure fear that
kept us together, fear of being alone, even though we were
miserable! Never again, 6 months is the max I’ll give a
relationship, no more. Longer than that, and I’d be just fooling
myself- again! I walked away from a “lets be friends” “rs” this
past summer, and it hurt to accept the truth, there was nothing
there ;-( But I lived and learned. I’d rather be alone than in
miserable relationships.
Just wanted to say thanks for this article and in fact for
this site. I realized that there has been a part of me, deep down
that has had a relationship “in spirit” with an Emotionally
Unavailable man for the past eight years. After we broke up, it has
consisted of 2-3 emails a year or so, occasionally seeing him in a
faculty meeting (once a year my guess…yes, fate decreed that we
are part of the same university and department now), and a
Christmas card, no joke. That’s it. He’s living with a girlfriend
now, and I married a really wonderful man five years ago that loves
me a lot, and whom I also love dearly. So, we’ve both moved on. So,
why would I continue to think now and again about the ex and have
sad feelings about what might have been? 1. Deep-seated beliefs
that I wasn’t worthy of better that I haven’t quite eradicated. I
grew up in an very abusive household, and have worked mightily hard
to get over it emotionally, but sometimes those old negative
patterns come back. 2. Envy at his professional standing…I wanted
to be part of that. Now, after years of gut-busting work, I am
getting closer to that level of career accomplishment. And, I did
it for myself, so the envy is subsiding. 3. But probably most of
all, sadness that I left it too long to have children, while the
ex-boyfriend is now living with his girlfriend who has four older
children from previous relationships. He promised children to me,
and I wasted most of my thirties believing him. So, he gets happy
families, I don’t. Nothing I can do about that, and I can’t fix
this, and I am facing those feelings of grief for the first time. I
suppose I can look at it this way… I can be grateful instead that
I married someone who wasn’t bothered if we didn’t have children
and who married me for me. I also can pat myself on the back for
having enough morals not to get pregnant “accidentally” with the
ex, and as a result, I don’t have to deal with him now Though this
sounds strange, I think it best for me to have zero contact with
this ex…not even the 2-3 emails a year or the Christmas card.
Perhaps that alone will finally free me of these painful feelings
that still crop up.
AME Yes to zero contact! It’s not strange at all. You’re
married, he’s a stepfather. It’s perfectly healthy and natural that
you both move on. It doesn’t make either of you a bad person. You
were in each other’s lives. It didn’t work out. Now you are
committed to other people. There are even children involved. Time
to drop the ex. You can’t keep him in the past if you continue to
have contact with him, even 2-3 emails a year. As for why he has a
hold over you, I guess he pushed some buttons related to your
insecurity (we’ve all been there). It’s not something you should
develop and nurture or brood on. It just needs to be squashed dead.
I understand the regret regarding children. Maybe there is a way to
have children in your life – adoption, fostering, nurturing
relationships with children in the family? Volunteer work?
AME – a lot of what you wrote resonated with me, and why
getting over my last relationship had elements of elbowing my way
out of a trench. My feelings were too tied up with an abusive
childhood, envy and fears about my own capabilities, and then,
while I am younger than you, still a sense that time was running
out for me to ‘settle down’. One thing I struggled with –
enormously- was wanting to keep some sort of connection with the ex
going; I guess as a form of communicating coded secrets about our
own respective pain – in all its forms (insecurity, desire, envy
etc). Now, after many months of NC, I can see that what I really
needed to really get to know and practice was not having that, that
dependency, in my life. I had to really get to know what rejection,
misjudgment, misfortune and loss look and feel like. I also decided
that I wanted to work on my integrity, which I concluded meant, in
part, having fewer ambiguous relationships, and having a greater
centredness in myself. It’s amazing how these apparently small
things, like remaining on some level open and attached to the past,
can ripple into a tidal wave for the psyche. For me, the end result
of having NC is less pain and more strength. This guy’s contact
with you is primarily simply rekindling the memory of a wound that
is LONG gone and not consistant with your life anymore. So, yes,
give real NC a go, and see what grows in its place. It’s a pleasant
thing.
Thank you Grace and Elle. This statement really resonated for me: “This guy’s contact with you is primarily simply rekindling the memory of a wound that is LONG gone and not consistant with your life anymore.” And this: “As for why he has a
hold over you, I guess he pushed some buttons related to your
insecurity (we’ve all been there). It’s not something you should
develop and nurture or brood on. It just needs to be squashed dead.”
YES. I don’t have to be the endlessly nice or forgiving one here or the noble one who will be a friend no matter what happened before. It is natural I’d not want to have much to do with him. And, I’ve made my own way in my career…I don’t need this person’s help or contact anymore.
Everything, and I mean every other area of my life is wonderful…no kidding. I have a great job, great husband, live in a beautiful home, have no money worries, go on holidays, have everything I could have ever dreamed about wanting. This issue literally feels like it is the LAST lousy past thing I have to process. I’ve processed the childhood abuse, dug myself out of financial hole, rebuilt my career which is netting fantastic results, am healthy, love and am loved. Perhaps the need to bring up old pain is because of the old pattern…me getting used to having pain on a daily basis, and that is just not necessary any more. Golly, I can be happy.
As for children…when I was really honest with myself, I think my pain was not so much about my desire to have kids, but the thought that he could experience something I couldn’t with someone else. It seemed so damn unfair, but life isn’t fair, is it? I’ve always put my career first really, and I suspect if kids had really been my first priority, I would have had them at some point if I met the ex or I didn’t. Maybe this isn’t about the ex at all, but more about my acceptance that I won’t ever be a mum. I knew on some level from an early age I wouldn’t parent, but there is a little part of you that things it might be possible. But now I know it isn’t, and you know, that is OK.
Frankly, I spent most of my life teaching university, so I’ve been around young people…now I’m doing research only, and again, if I’m honest, part of me does not miss the demands or hassles of dealing constantly with adolescents/young adults.
THANK YOU
“YES. I don’t have to be the endlessly nice or forgiving one here or the noble one who will be a friend no matter what happened before.”
YES. This has been so key for me! In allowing myself to feel hurt and angry and…everything I’ve felt about this situation (HUMAN), I get to go through it and move on! I was stuck in forgiveness mode, and placing my own needs and feelings last (most likely so I wouldn’t have to deal with the grief). When I could face the fact that this person and this ‘relationship’ was hurting me – which is a facet of the acceptance Nat talks about and not living in denial – and I could have negative feelings about it, and that I have rights and anger is sometimes warranted, then I was freed. It’s a tangible example of acting in your own best interests that can translate to other areas of your life as well – and IS, for me (-: Yay.
AND it ceases to be about dwelling on him as the ‘bad person’. I can be angry at someone, about a situation, accept my part in allowing it, forgive myself and own it. And I’m freed knowing I don’t HAVE to ‘forgive’ him. There’s no excuse, in my opinion, for how he behaved, despite the fact that we were complicit partners in all of it. And even if and/or when I do forgive him – or simply no longer care, I don’t have to allow him back into my life. I don’t OWE him anything. It seems so basic, but it’s a real stretch for a lot of people, and ultimately a very benificial learning experience…saying no. NO! It feels so good (-: I’m like a two-year-old with a new word (-:
AND, luv this post Nat, and the recent trend of posts that focus on us. At first, it is good to know that it isn’t ALL our fault, that we’re engaging with a Mr. Unavailable. But as we gradually heal, we really do need to accept full responsibility in recognizing our own patterns so that we can change. Because we really are on our own…which is a very good thing, though kinda scary (-:
Thank you Nat, and congrats on the rewards of all your progress!
I decided to go on a no BS diet starting the New Year.
Finally realised that a guy I dated way back three and a half years
ago was a total waste of my time. I wrote a no contact letter to
him the last day of the year. had numerous texts since intimating
that he really only wanted to be “friends”. Laughed my ass off on
that one especially since he’s the sort of “friend” that’s no
friend at all and tries to get in my knickers. So after repaeatedly
rtelling him very clearly that I am not a comfort blanket, I then
get a text asking to meet me. What the whatsit!! What bit f lets
never see each other or speak again translates to “let’s meet
up?!!” So many texts in four days, when he has periodically
diappeared for months on and off, and doesn’t reply to squat from
me! Now I am just laughing to see how someone reacts when they see
their little toys being taken away. No I am not speaking to you
again, no I am not seeing you again, no I am texting you again, no
I am not sleeping with you again, no I am not there to listen to
your various health crisis, no I do not want to hear about your sex
life with various people, goodness me No really does mean no! I’ve
been sleep walking through my own life distracting myself with
someone because I didn’t want to face a few things in my own life.
However a new year and a new diet. I am so glad I am not eating and
smelling the bullshit because it really tastes bad! Happy New Year
everyone when the scales fall from your eyes you wonder how you got
used to all that damned smelly fish!!!
I definitely am in a situation where I need a pep talk. I
love this website..Background my boyfriend and i have been together
4.5 years. He’s been an AC from the start basically blowing me off
to go drinking with his friends, texting other girls shirtless
pictures, calling me the B word and swearing whenever we argue..
But at the same time he can be a really great guy and spends time
with me, invites me out with his family, is involved with my
family, we go on vacations and he treats me with respect. We get
along great together and mundane tasks turn into fun when we’re
together. We only fight about a few issues. The only issues we
fight about are his drinking/ditching me for his friends/clubbing
with his friends/ and flirting with girls. Big issues I guess,
every time we “work things out” he says he’ll stop drinking and
going out and I genuinely believe the flirting with the girls
stopped about 1 year ago. I could feel it in my gut then but don’t
feel it now and have no reason to believe it. He had treated me SO
perfectly the last 2 months and I was so happy but then anyways I
work as a nurse and I had to work nye because i took xmas off to go
see his family which didn’t happen because he wasn’t feeling well
so my family rushed to put together a dinner since we’d be around.
had asked him to please wait for me NYE as i was off at 11 and
wanted to spend it with him. He was going to go skiing with his
friends the following 2 weekends and I was agreeable to that and he
agreed to spend nye with me. Then he starts acting all weird on
Thursday before NYE and I ask whats up and he tells me he wants to
go skiing on NYE with his friends which i told him was fine
thinking he’d be back in time. He tells me no he was going to
another city and was going clubbing with them afterwards. Like it
hurts me that I mean so little that he doesn’t want to spend NYE
with me and he knew he’d hurt me greatly and make me cry by going.
He told me his friend’s schedule doesn’t revolve around mine, im
selfish for wanting him to stay here when I have to work and not be
a “f-ing bitch” about it because he was going. He ended up going
and videos on facebook show him shirtless in the club all night and
even one shows him peeing on the dance floor. While I was at home
by myself crying he was pissing on a dancefloor with his shirt off
completely wasted.. He’s 29 by the way… I feel like I’m trapped
in this cycle of perfect nice guy to complete douche. I know it’s
time for me to walk but I just can’t stand the thought of him
finding another girl and treating her nicely and losing him since I
know the nice side. Will anything fix this? Counselling? Leaving
him to see what he’s lost? Advice anyone? Please…
Holy Smoke. Natalie, he calls you a b***h. That’s really bad behaviour and utterly unacceptable. Of course, he should have spent new years eve with you but he preferred to be out with his buddies and making an ass of himself on the dancefloor and showing himself off… He sounds really immature to me. You’ve been with him 4.5 years and he’s still behaving the same way he did from the beginning so thinking he will change is insanity. He is what he is.
Sure he has a nice side, most people do. But the hurt he causes you is too much. There are men who have a nice side (because they are GENUINELY NICE PEOPLE) and don’t behave like an assclown. That’s the type of guy we want to meet.
So, one of the reasons why you are hesitant in ditching him is you don’t want to see him with another girl and see him treating her nicely. Natalie, he will treat the next girl the very same way. Don’t kid yourself. And really, not wanting him to be with another girl is not a reason to stay with him.
You say he knows he would have hurt you by not spending nye with you but he went ahead and did his own thing anyway and left you on your own for the night. Is that the action of a nice person? That’s the action of a person who only cares about himself and HIS enjoyment and he certainly didn’t care that you were going to be spending nye on your own. Is that really the type of man you want to be wasting any more time on?
Natalie, my advice to you would be to ditch him pronto and focus on enjoying your life. There can really be a void in your life when you ditch someone, even if he’s an assclown, so perhaps you could take up a new interest or hobby.
Natalie,
The bad behavior far outweighs the ‘good behavior.’ This guy is very disrespectful to you!
The thing that stuck out to me , is that you are a very low priority on his list, and this is unacceptable.
Question: Why do you have to settle for a guy who is decent 50% of the time? Don’t you deserve a full-time guy?
Natalie – this guy seems to be taking the piss. He knows he can do what he wants and manipulate you into thinking you’re being unreasonably demanding. He may not be a terrible guy, but he’s just not a guy who’s willing and ready to be in an adult, healthy relationship. I think you know you should, in all likelihood, leave this guy. It’s not a sustainable pattern, and, besides, can you imagine if there were other stressors in the equation, like a mortgage or children or a serious illness?
Have another read of this website – one of NML’s main tests of whether a relationship is viable is whether one can love oneself as well as the other. If the former is compromised, the relationship must be given up. Look at his actions – if he did a BS diet, he’d tell you directly that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and if you did one, you’d recognise that what he is offering is insufficient.
And just to add – I understand that the relationship has been such a long time that these pieces of advice seem less applicable. You’ve invested a lot and you’re used to having him around (literally and mentally). But, if you can, try to change your thinking from: leaving him so he can see what he’s lost, to leaving him so you can better see what you’re losing now.
Ugh. This one’s tough. I can tell how attached you are to
this guy. 4.5 years is hard to toss aside. But no matter what his
behavior – it honestly may be acceptible, even ‘fun’ to another
(maybe a younger) girl – the fact is that his behavior is hurting
you. His behavior isn’t acceptible to you. No one else can define
what is and what is not acceptible to you – but you already have in
your post, and your concern. Your values, at this time, are not
jibing. It sounds like you’ve tried a few things already that
haven’t worked – or worked only temporarily. Anyone can change for
a while. You could try counselling – if he is willing, and willing
to try and make things work/change. But he may very well not be. If
that’s the case you need to do what is best for you, and that would
be to let go of him – go through all the feelings of fear, pain,
loss, jealousy, regret – and find someone who is more in line with
what you want out of a relationship. Honestly, it sounds like you
already know this guy isn’t good enough for you!
OMG Natalie, I feel like you are speaking directly to me!
How did you get so wise?! For so long now I’ve lived in a fantasy
world with my EUM and he has responded just the same. We are two
people who love the IDEA of the other person but just stay on the
surface, which means awesome sex but nothing else. I finally told
him it was over and that I needed more. It’s day 10 of NC and I
feel better each day from being on this site! Thank you for being
here. I felt so alone before I found this site!
In reply to Natalie#2’s post, You say Natalie that he goes from perfect guy to douche bag, come on Natalie, is leaving you on your own on New Years day so very perfect? Is it making you feel good about your self? If it’s not and you wouldn’t write that post if it was really perfect, you can decide to put yourself first and choose a better set of circumstamces for yourself. It really is our own life that we are living and we choose who gets into this life we are creating. If your boyfriend makes you unhappy, make different choices. Its not easy making different choices but as soon as you start to think you are worth so much better treatment, your needs are important too and you start to feel your self esteem rise, you just realise that you have been allowing people into your life who don’t make you happy. I can only speak for myself when I say I have messed my own life up by allowing someone into my life at a time that I was suffering from a blow to my self esteem. Instead of dealing with that issue I then focused my whole life on someone who really in hindsight was such a total waste of my fantastic life and a distraction, but who did make me feel good at the time.
It’s your fantastic life so choose people in it who really treat you like you are!
I like the ideas expressed here. I’ve spent so much time worrying about his stuff, I’ve never really looked at me. I used to be so judgemental. I always wondered how any woman could stay in an abusive relationship and swore if he ever touched me, I would be out of there. Then one day I had to admit I was in an abusive relationship. I also used to hate women who were “needy” and clingy and had no life. I am ashamed that I am all those things. My image of myself is so different from who I really am, I don’t know myself. I never understood how much I lost myself when I am in a relationship. Where did I go? I don’t know what I like or need or what I feel or want. I was so obsessed with getting him to commit and love me, it never occurred to me to check whether I even liked him.
I can’t believe this. Who am I? I used to think I was strong and independent and didn’t need anyone. Then I found myself sitting by the phone, terrified to miss his call, checking email 20 times a day and doing all these conniving things to get his attention. I created drama – faked illnesses and injuries, told lies just to have a reason to talk to him. I thought I could control him and that, if we spent enough time together, he would love me the way I wanted him to. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t believe I did this stuff. I am so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t control it. Even if he had liked me, it wasn’t the real me he was seeing. I was performing everyday, acting happier than I was, pretending everything was ok when it wasn’t and putting up with his B behaviour, trying to look easy going and cool. I lied to myself everyday.
There was the relationship that was actually happening (not even a friendship, as it turned out), the relationship he was having (he thought I understood that he didn’t want anything serious) and the relationship that was going on in my head (in which we were in love and serious and committed – I think I need to be committed). I was actually delusional. How did I get like this? What is scaring me is trying to figure out how long I have been like this. I have had difficult relationships before with guys that were less than enthusiastic but nothing like this. I don’t leave the house anymore, talk to my friends very little and can think of nothing else, even though I went NC in July. My life has disappeared and I am not even living, just existing. I have been telling myself all these stories and justifying his behaviour, my behaviour and some really insane actions on my part. I wanted so badly to blame him for making me like this but I am doing it. I am lying, to myself and him and others. I am manufacturing drama, to get his attention, and to try and control him. I am eating everything in the house, even when I am not hungry.
Why do I think I can control anyone or the relationship (not that there is or ever was a relationship here). 99% of it was all in my head. Am I mentally ill? I don’t feel crazy, just out of control. I have no boundaries and would put up wth just about anything if I thought it would make him happy. I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. I figured if he would just settle down and get his act together, we would be happy. What is wrong with me????
Sammi, You are NOT mentally ill. I think that the feelings
you are experiencing are a normal reaction to an abusive
relationship. And if you go for a very long time stuffing all your
feelings and “putting on an act”, you can very quickly lose who you
are. My relationship with my ex-husband was a big act on my part.
Acting like everything was OK for the sake of others, so they would
not know how what was really going on. He was not physically
abusive, but he knew how to play mind games with me. His career and
education were in the field of psychology, so he was quite good at
it. When we separated, I thought I was going to have a mental
breakdown, I had become so emotionally dependent on him. The
separation was my idea, but it was almost too much. I remember
going to see a counselor, and just sobbing and pouring out my whole
story in the first session. I was actually scared at the intensity
of the grief. She explained to me that, because I had not shown my
true feelings for so long (or at least watered them down), that it
was natural to feel overwhelmed by them coming out all at once. She
said that it would get better, and while I would still grieve, it
would eventually reach a point where the pain would feel more
tolerable. I too wondered if I was mentally ill. I think the
biggest factor in that was that I was afraid of the pain. It was
scary to me. But once I got through it, with support from my family
and counselor, my real feelings were not as scary anymore.
@Sammi. Your post literally sent shivers up my spine and has shaken me to the core! 99% (apart from inventing dramas and going NC) could have been written by me/about me. From being judgmental of needy, clingy women, through the performing and pretending, refusng to listen to, and defending him against, others who saw through his BS ages ago, right to the present feeling ashamed and overeating, it’s like you’ve been inside my head and watching me for months — scary!
I tell you this to show you that you are NOT ALONE! We are in this together, and we’ll get through it. Such a shame the site provides no way to contact one another 🙁
You are NOT mentally ill. AC people are habitually described as “Crazy-making” because they make sane people feel as though they are going crazy. The constant strain and pressure of feeling one way and forcing ourselves to act another does immense psychological/emotional damage and has finally caught up with BOTH of us. As Nicole has pointed out, we “feel overwhelmed” when the long-suppressed truth comes bursting out “all at once”. And most painful of all is that we lied to our very selves in order to please/get/keep him. I cringe when I think of how much pain I suffered to keep this arsewipe in my life, yet I still cannot go NC.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a huge <>. Love, WL. xx
Sammi
You could be mentally ill, given that depression/anxiety is defined as mental illness. I heard on a recent radio broadcast that depression will affect one in ten Americans (which actually seems low to me) so it is not uncommon and has definitely affected someone you know. You don’t have to be “crazy” to be mentally ill.
I’m not saying you ARE depressed/mentally ill. I’m saying it is a possibility and is not unusual.
To find out more, you can see a doctor, or get a book from the library or do some online research – stick to respected, wellknown organisations like the NHS in the UK or the equivalent in whatever country you live in.
Today is my first day of no contact….I have never posted before but have been reading each and everyone of your posts to convince me of what I know I need to do. I have cried so many times today its crazy but I know in the long run geting out is my only choice. After I used your advice and stopped making excuses for him and finally get embarassed by his sporadic lazt contact I got up the nerve (its been a good 6 months coming) to go NC. Luckily he is being his typical no/low contact self. He is not the great man I have made him out to be this past year. He is an illusion I have created – a painful illusion at this point. Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me strength.
Claim we’re addicted to someone as our reason for continuing to engage when really that person and the situation is a distraction from experiencing other feelings and being accountable.
This is me I have written on here about how I feel addicted to him and can’t leave him alone in spite of his absolute crappy behaviour.
He got in touch with me because of my birthday he invited me out for dinner he came to the suburb where I was staying with family. I asked him what is motivation was and he said “I enjoy your company”
I think I was stupid to go stupid to BS to myself I came away feeling worse than before I went. I do not have an addiction to him I simply have not found a way to deal with rejection.
It is also time to stop believing his BS he said over dinner
“it is good we have never told each other to f off or get stuffed”
I replied yes you did back in August you wanted nothing more to do with me.
His response “lets not over analyse things”
and changed the topic.
I take responsibility for going along for not listening to myself and how I truly felt, for being stupid and thinking it was a great way to make my rejection better. To have my ego bruised because he rejected me all over again when I questioned his motives for asking me to dinner.
So it is time to look at me and end my bs to myself and ask if I believed what he told me that he would be in touch etc etc then I am asking for more disappointment if I believe the truth that he will not be in contact until I make a move toward him then I am believing the truth.
So I sit here really hoping I am finally done with this man who will continue to bs me and disappointment me and start to believe that nothing is better than something that is deeply disatisfying.
@Tulipa. Our situations sound similar. My AC chased another
woman and I eagerly took on the role of Fallback Girl. She refused
him and 24hrs later he asks me to be FWB. Congrats on getting this
far. I hope you are done with him, too and that I will soon find
enough self esteem to do the same. I wish you all the luck and love
in the world, WL xxx
Thank you Wastedlove, hope you are doing well in your
journey. I feel different this time I have concluded nothing will
change we will just dance the same dance I have sometimes stopped
and paused and said do you have anything to say to him and my
answer as so far been no.. a minor miracle So im hoping this time
my no contact sticks. helps to keep reading on here.
I should have read this sooner. I needed this diet a long time before this past weekend. When I should have just stopped–stop putting up with a sub par relationship. The thing is, this guy is not really bad, just completely unavailable…brother is dying, dad is dying, and his mom died when he was 9. He is emotionally bankrupt–WHICH I KNEW FROM DAY 1, so who is responsible for this year of push pull, 15 break ups? UGH its Me, I have a ton of self work to do, thank you for this blog!
I do have a question though. This weekend for the first time ever I was very very cruel, I figured I had been so understanding for so long, and once again he was breaking up with me AGAIN..I wrote stuff about his character, about his lack of confidence (something to the effect that he has talent, but lacks confidence so is destined to only be a ‘worker bee.’) I then said the sex was bad and more…He wrote back, he is so sorry he has caused me emotional stress and he owns that he went back and forth, I am an amazing woman, yada yada.
Needless to say I felt awful, because I was acting from ego, not love. I was trying to hurt someone and get them to see what they did to me, and when he validated it—I felt worse, because my anger was misdirected….Okay so now the question, I need to go NC, I have since that email from hell. But I see him due to work 2 times a week–just today I saw him and avoided eye contact (and so did he.) We do not really have to talk but it is a very small work studio…should I apologize or just know that he knows I was cruel out of anger and hurt?? I do not want to talk to him, but I honestly know that MOST of this drama is on me. Thanks!
@ Sara. Should you apologise or not… When things are put in writing its very hurtful to be on the receiving end of an email that someone wrote in anger even if its the truth. The written word is more powerful that the spoken word I think. If i were in your shoes, i would apologise to him and giving him an apology isn’t breaking no contact, it’s doing the right thing. Ok, he wasn’t the best boyfriend, he is who he is but it still wasn’t right to assassinate his character.
Sara, i think being with these type of guys can bring out the worst in us and its very likely that your e-mail was out of character for you. I know for me, i was irritable and moody a lot of the time during my time with an eum, these type of guys really play havoc with our emotions.
Oh Audrey, thanks. I really kind of already knew I should apologize, I feel bad. BUT I am so clear that I need to stop this crap with him, I feel that engaging with him would be against that. Is another note okay? I can’t believe that I did this…and it sucks because in a lot of ways I feel I am once again focusing on him…I guess after the apology I can focus on me. Thanks again.
Sara, I don’t think you should apologise. I think you
should just let it go. If you are NC getting in touch and
apologising will just create drama and a way to hold on.
Apologising to him now will be breaking NC. You may be hurt or
disappointed by the result. Ask yourself, if you apologise and he
tells you to get lost or is rude to you or even worse ignores you,
how will that affect your sense of worth?
To apologise for something you do that is wrong or not up
to your usual values, is surely what people do when they treat
people with respect. Just because someone is unavailable and/or an
assclown why not give them the respect you would someone or anyone
say your apology and move on. Don’t expect closure, don’t expect
them to reply and don’t expect them to say what you want them to
say. You could just be giving them the material they need to
justify their own deeds in your relationship however if you go back
to your own values, if you usually apologise when you have been an
ass yourself then apologise and leave it there and continue with
your no contact. Have no expectations, then you can’t be hurt if
you are ignored or don’t hear back what you expect. I have
aplogised to my ex for my own behaviour but I am not beating myself
up about it . I didn’t refer to any of his behaviours just my own.
It’s an aplology no big deal. Then you get on with your own life
and deal with any issues that your apology raise for you!
I know he knows I did not mean what I said, he knows me. I
am not willing to have a conversation with him as this is only a
week old…or call. The note is all I can do… I see him though
this week twice, next week too. He is just a tortured soul NOT at
all bad, just SUPER unavailable…but at the end, he did say, ‘I do
want a relationhip, just not with you.’ Who knows, and it does not
matter I guess. I have several articles of his clothes, I am
thinking to just drop them at his house with an apology..maybe. I
see him at our work studio, and I really hate to say this, but this
is the first time ever I have stood up to him, I have always gone
the understanding route, before he would ignore me after these
‘break ups’ and he is still ignoring me, but this time I am
ignoring him back…and I finally feel like I have stuck up for
myself… I am unsure what to do…really! On one hand I was a
total beep, on the other I FINALLY stood up to his confusion and
rejection, his back and forth crap(albeit not in the most dignified
way!) I really appreciate your opinions so please if you have any
other insight, I am ll ears! Sara
Don’t go to his house. Or if you do take a friend. You
could do the drop off at work. As for ignoring, that’s the whole
point of breaking up with someone. Which EUMs and Fallback Girls
simply don’t understand. When you break up with someone you SHOULD
ignore them. It’s silly to keep going back to talk, apologise, hang
out, return clothes, pick up your toothbrush, look for sex etc.
They don’t have to be BAD for you to ignore them. You’re broken up!
Even if you work together you don’t need to go to his
HOUSE.
Anusha By the way, apologise if you must but I think you
credit yourself with too much influence. I doubt he cares. Keep it
short. “I’m sorry about those things I said, I was angry at the
time. Here’s your stuff”. Don’t expect him to say anything more
than “No worries. Thanks”. And do it soon as you seem to be
obsessing about it. Then let it go. Don’t start stressing about
whether you should have have apologised or about his response or if
you should chase him down for a better response. The fact is he has
dumped you 15 times and THAT is what you need to process.
If you have aleady apologised then that’s enough. If you have some guy’s clothes, toothbrush and you want to return them then just post them or give them to a friend to drop off. Don’t use that as a reason to break no contact. If you feel bad about the fact you lost your temper after being badly treated over a period of time well welcome to the club. Don’ t beat yourself up. Its normal human behaviour to get cross when treated badly, but its time to move on and really address why it took you so long to get tired of such misbehaviour. Isn’t that the more important issue for you than whether some guy has had his feelings hurt by being shouted down?
Oh thanks guys! I would go to his house when he was at work. NOT to talk to him. We do not return stuff to each other at work because (its a pilates studio) is run by a very fun gay guy who makes some comment like, ‘S is returning J’s pillow today, tell me all about it you crazy kids.’ And it embarasses us. So after I brought him food once and the owner made some harmless joke we both said, ugh no more bringing each other stuff to the studio!
I am not really obsessing about it but I really hit him below the belt, attacking him on many things…
The thing about hanging on to his stuff (and he will want it back) is that if I wait for him to ask me for it, I am afraid I might read into his contact or be waiting for it. If I return it, he would never contact me, he never has, well the first 5 break ups maybe LOL—it has always been me (yes, so patheletic!) to play the friend card and then the cycle starts again…
So in a bag at his door step a note that says:
J, I felt you sent me many mixed messages and at the end I felt wronged. BUT it was unnecessary for me to point out to you in all the ways you wronged me and also highlight all my perceieved shorcomings of your character. Sorry.
What do you think…or no note, OR wait until he asks for the ski clothes (no toothbrush!!!–I think he would let that go.)
Thanks again. I feel SO lucky to have found this site! I am very certain I am ready to stop this cycle. This is the first time I have not shed one tear, because I already have realized this is a dead end relationship, so it hurts less…
I forgot to add…I ordered Natalie’s book and read it all…so to apply it to someone you work with it suggests being cordial and polite, it would be almost like I was bipolar;) if I went from telling someone they were the worst human being ever to acting like they are just a work peer I smile at and act like I am doing my own thing around. Currently, he stares at me when he thinks I am not looking and then if I catch the look, I give him a disgusted look and them he looks away…
I might add that he does not have ANY close friends… he is very well liked, but has a huge fear of rejection..his close relationships are with his family who all are completely dependent on him, his last girlfriend was foreign and barely spoke English and could not drive…so he is only close to people who are dependent… the exact opposite of me. I don’t know if that matters, but he will for sure not be the one to contact me!
Sara, you say you are not obsessing about him but you are.
You have a few of his things so return them no big deal where is
the drama here? What’s there to analyse? You want to put a note in
the bag how about “J here’s your stuff” I mean why the long
explanation. If you are in no contact its over right? You are
concentrating on YOU not HIM. How to treat someone in the office,
well how about just like any other colleague you don’t know well
just with cool respect. Why the dirty looks it just says “I am
involved enough to give you these dirty looks”. This topic was
about going on a no bull shit diet ie not feeding lies and bullshit
to yourself. Who cares if he has no close friends or whatever. Why
are you distracting yourself with thinking about him when you could
be thinking about YOU and how many friends you have. Sara do
yourself a big favour and stop distracting your life by focusing on
the little details of his. What so you get out of it apart from
confusion? I ask you these questions because I spent years thinking
the same thoughts and its irrelvent and just a major distraction
from your OWN problems.
Sara,
No note. And, I agree, way too much energy and drama are being put into him and the situation.
This is so, so true. I took back someone that dipped in and out of my life at will, treated me poorly and clearly had no respect for me because he said he was a whole new person. Naturally, this whole new person ended up treating me poorly all over again, i.e. sticking around for what he could get knowing that he had no intentions of giving me what I wanted and then disappearing when it suited. When I finally said “Not going to cut it, get out of my life!”, he got angry with me, claimed I “scared” him and demanded an apology. His justification was that he really was a new man, but couldn’t let go of his past (we’re talking ex’s and friends from five years ago) just yet and move into the future and he couldn’t give me a relationship because of it. For me going on a BS Diet meant saying, “That’s all great and fine, but I’m here in your present day being treated badly, so what does it matter to me what the reasons are?” Needless to say, this did not go over well and we are no longer on speaking terms. In my case, the BS Diet set me free!
@Sara, sorry i didn’t reply to you; i don’t use the computer at weekends. I’m sorry the giving or not of an apology has caused you so much turmoil and I should have said that a short apology would have done – theres no need to go into big explanations with these types. But i guess you were in turmoil already and perhaps the idea of apologising or not just stirred up your turmoil even further. It’s good you know youre better off without this guy and dumping you umpteen times must have been so difficult to go through and that would knock anyone’s confidence.
I was completely obsessed with my guy (I feel embarrassed to admit it….) when I was going through the experience and he took up wayyy too much air time!! I found what helped me was to actually stop talking about him altogether and then i thought less about him.
You are absolutely 100% right to stop this cycle. Get off the train before it crashes… your mental health could actually collapse if you keep with him and no guy is worth risking your sanity for.
It is a defence mechanism to concentrate so much on them
rather than look at ourselves and very very hard to turn around
your thinking and to put yourself first and look at your problems.
I too think why I am wasting so much time analyzing someone who
clearly sin’t going to change I need to think about me and how I
can change so his bs and behaviour no longer has a hold over
me.
Indeed, and once you do, he will just become another idiot that you once went out with. My ex EUM is like that now. I bump into him from time to time and feel nothing. It took me five months to get over this guy and he had such a hold over me! Focusing on myself and my boundaries and values was the key. I had to wade through a lot of ACs after him, but i spotted them a mile off and batted them all away. You can do it!
Thanks Minky am looking forward to the day he just another idiot I dated. Am also spotting EUMs a mile off and avoiding them at all costs just don’t want to get caught up in all the crap they bring again. Good luck to you on your continuing journey.
Hello Natalie
I was dumped around 2 moths ago and I am trying to heal myself.
After he left me I felt the same you and all the people writting here felt when their relatioship ended: I felt abandoned, betrayed, rejected, and tried to understand what I did wrong, why he could not love me, why the lack of care and respect.
I guess we all know the problem always is our own lack of self love, care and respect. So I just want to change to love and respect myself, but I had no clue how to start. I even don’t know who I am or what I want.
After reading this post about BS I think I finally got a clue about what was wrong and how to fix it. I just realized about the BS I’ve been telling myself for so many years. I started to write a list with that BS, wrote a long list of lies I’ve been telling myself.. things like:
“It’s not true that it makes me happy to be all the time doing things for other persons, guessing what they want and need. Most times I do it to be appreciated or because I think I *have* to”
“It’s not true that the well being of others is more important for me than my own well being, I just pretend to get their affection”
“It’s not true that I don’t care about how I look, I would like my body to be fit and healthier”
“It’s not true that it’s OK for me when my job is not fairly recognized at work”, etc etc.
As you said looking inside is not a nice thing to do and we tend to resist using all kind of tools, including tons of lies and BS relationships. After you face it, it’s obvious that there is a lot of work to do. I’ve been neglecting myself for so long and I think neglecting never made me happy, not even one day
It’s true that as humans we need to be accepted and loved, but I made a big mistake there. I thought I needed to be special and a “good girl” to be loved and accepted, I denied who I am, my needs and wants, and I ended loosing myself. Not only in love relationships, but in all kind of relationships (business, friendships, family).
Your post made me realize that when we deny who we are we close the only door that we should always have open. I am scared of facing myself, scared to see and accept that I am not special and I am not the “good girl”, but I don’t want to live miserably anymore.
So.. thank you